"Bane vs.

Batman" (title subject to change) a Jesterbate short

2012

EXT. GOTHAM CITY - DAY The Gotham City Police Department and Banes Underground Army have waged war upon one another -- fighting in a brutal guerrilla warfare style. They are using their hands, melee weapons for close combat, and their guns. It is an unorganized fight, and amongst the crowd are Bane and Batman, searching for each other to end this ruthless battle. After a few short moments, BATMAN finally finds BANE and they face each other, ready to fight. When Bane speaks, he uses his withered, weakened but alarmingly frightening voice. He has both his thumbs tucked under the collar edges of his vest. BANE So, you came back to die with your city. Batman uses his usual deep, scratchy voice when he responds. BATMAN No. I came back to stop you. Beat. Batmans dull delivery of the lackluster line leaves the two enemies staring at each other awkwardly. BANE Really? Thats it? BATMAN What? BANE Thats... thats all youve got to say? Beat. Batman looks down and scratches the back of his head. BATMAN I dont know. BANE I mean, "I came back to stop you"? You couldnt think of anything... better? No bat puns? How am I even supposed to respond to that? Batman looks slightly embarrassed. BATMAN Uh, I guess I didnt really think it through...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

BANE Well, yeah. No shit, Captain Obvious. Batman glares at his nemesis. BATMAN Im not Captain Obvious, Im Batman. Beat. BANE Jesus, man, youre just full of clever rebuttals today, arent you? Beat. Batman stammers as he thinks of a decent comeback. However, all that comes out is... BATMAN How bout this? Youre bald. Bane rubs his bald head. BANE Yes. Yes I am. Very observant. Batman looks frustrated. BATMAN What? What more do you want? BANE Look, I mean, I broke your back, I put you in an inescapable prison thousands of miles away. And then you come back a couple months later, with your airplane thing and your fists held high, and all you have to say is "Ive come back to stop you." Im just saying... dialogue isnt your strong suit. Batman faces Bane, offended. BATMAN Thats funny coming from the guy who sounds like Darth Vader and Sean Connerys abortion. Bane appears amused.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

BANE Oh! Theres one I havent heard before. Comparing me to Darth Vader, thats really clever. Did you come up with that on your own or did your dead parents help you out, you raspy-sounding bitch? BATMAN Fuck you! BANE Youre the one who sounds like youve smoked a thousand packs of cigarettes. Is that how youve been spending your time over the past few months? Guess how Ive been spending mine? By destroying your stupid city. Batman mocks Banes ridiculous British accent. BATMAN "Your shhhtupid shhhity." Its not even funny how much you sound like Sean Connery in his death bed. BANE Well youre right, its not funny. The Sean Connery jokes stopped being funny after the first five hundred times. BATMAN Im hilarious. BANE Ha! Youre about as funny as a retarded bat. Beat. BATMAN Thats as offensive as it is confusing. How could you possibly tell if a bat is retarded? BANE Good point; they all seem that way, dont they? A deeply offended Batman screams impatiently.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

BATMAN YOURE BALD! BANE Well, yeah, we already established that, remember? Or did you forget because youre too distracted by my stunning biceps? Bane flexes. Batman cringes. BATMAN Youre not that strong. BANE No? Hmmm, I vaguely recall breaking you. That was you, wasnt it? BATMAN Well Im back, arent I? BANE Yes, you are, back with a resounding "Im back to stop you." Riveting delivery, really, just riveting. Bane claps his hands sarcastically. Batman sighs impatiently, flailing his arms about in frustration. BATMAN Youre still on that? Really? You have a one-track mind, you know that? Bane continues flexing like a tool. BANE Stunning biceps! Batman does a facepalm. BATMAN I hate you so much. Youre like a thousand times worse than the Joker. Bane stops flexing and stares at his bat-themed opponent. Bane is clearly offended and taken aback by Batmans comment.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

BANE Dude. He shakes his head, disapprovingly. BANE (CONTD) Not cool. Batman is a tad confused. BATMAN What? BANE Thats messed up, man. Heath Ledger is dead. BATMAN I... I know, but thats not what Im trying to say-BANE Oh, I know what youre trying to say. Believe me, I get it. Its fucked up, man. Really fucked up. BATMAN I didnt mean anything by it! BANE Yeah, oh, sure. You know what? I dont even wanna fight you, okay? You can have your stupid city back. Bane looks into the crowd and calls out: BANE Talia! Talia, lets wrap it up, were going home. A young woman, TALIA AL GHUL, appears by Banes side. BATMAN Who the hell is Talia? TALIA Thats me, Bruce. Yeah, Im the daughter of Ras al Ghul. And youre a fucking asshole. Batman tries desperately to defend himself.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: BATMAN Come on! All I said was I hate Heath Ledger. Bane and Talia gasp. BANE Woah my god, did he seriously just say that? Talia shakes her head. TALIA What a piece of shit. BANE Disgusting. He glares at Batman. BANE (CONTD) What a jerk.

6.

Batman is speechless. He doesnt know how to defend himself. TALIA Come on, Bane. Lets go to Applebees or something. The two turn to walk away, and the war crowd disperses. BANE I could use a Grand Slam at Dennys right now. TALIA Fine, well go to Dennys. Their voices fade as they walk off-screen. Batman is left alone, calling out to them. BATMAN Guys! Dont be like that! Bane! Bane, remember when you broke me? Bane? Nobody responds. Beat. COMMISSIONER GORDON appears by Batmans side, frowning. Neither looks at the other. BATMAN Well I guess theyre gone. Gordon shakes his head, disappointed.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: GORDON Too soon, Batman. Batman raises his voice, once again frustrated. BATMAN He died in like 2008, when does it stop being "too soon"? Gordon doesnt face the Batman, but instead continues shaking his head and speaking softly to himself. GORDON Too soon.

7.

He walks off-screen. As he does, Batman continues flipping out in a misguided bout of self-defense. BATMAN Gimme a break. Its not like he was that great of an actor anyway! I mean, have you seen Brokeback Mountain? Kinda gay. From off-camera, some Gothamites "boo!" Batman. GOTHAMITES (OFF-CAM) Boooo! Batman faces them and throws his arms out in defense. BATMAN Oh, come on. One Gothamite screams: GOTHAMITE (OFF-CAM) YOU SUCK, BATMAN! Batman flashes his middle fingers at the city. BATMAN Fuck all of you! My parents are dead! He turns his back on us and walks away, moving off-camera. He whimpers to himself reassuringly. BATMAN Im the goddamn Batman... CUT TO BLACK THE END.