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And I cry. So much beauty, it hurts. So intense and so beautiful.

Some months that are minutes and millennia ago, I foresaw and submitted to a week long dying and birthing process. A week of my body being overcome as it allowed the descent of so much energy that I convulsed and cried and shuddered as each beam of light entered me as I entered it. I cried as I watched the self die even more knowing that it would simply surrender to the Gods that choose to awaken in empty spaces. A week of not sleeping and bathing and barely speaking and eating and in allowance of all that chose to manifest in me, as I chose to manifest in it. I walked in the stars as I stood here on this planet. I circled the Earth as I lay upon her. I heard all her voices as my own became softer and softer . And I cried. The pain of bringing into reality the multi-dimensions of time and space without going completely crazy yet being the most crazy for even allowing ones mind to perceive that which transcends perception. I cried as my body received that which my body was giving as the light entered each cell, each strand of DNA dancing through it, as it danced through all the memories of the many lives and deaths that remembered itself in me. I cried as I asked myself, as I asked IT, of all the formless forms that awaken in my eyes, my body, my words, my heart and the breath, which one am I to be? Which one Am I here to serve? How can I be all of them at the same time and still be here, in this body that is mostly dead, mostly a satellite that is watching the Earth seeing all as ONE.

I cried as I asked myself, as I asked it, what makes me more worthy of this task that I did not ask for, yet always surrendered to in my nonasking. I cried as I watched Juanita, giving herself away to all those that do not even ask to receive, giving herself to all those who take and do not take, giving herself to herself, whether seen or not, it mattered not. What is received freely like the sunlight and the air is to be given freely too. Yet I still cried. Seeing how much I judged myself for all the choices I had made in my non-choosing. I cried as I allowed myself to feel the beauty that is in me, the beauty that is me, the beauty that is all I see and in all I see and everything I look at. How it hurts to love that much. To love without even caring about being loved. To love without needing to be loved. To love, simply because everything that is seen is so utterly beautiful, how could I not love it, how could I not love you? And in that love, I vanish. Into the silence of the infinite space wherein all time and all realities exist. Where my eyes are HIS eyes and HIS eyes see through it all. Seeing through the illusion of suffering, as the suffering transforms into the most magical dream of Oneness. I cried as I allowed HIM that is HER in ONE, in Union to take me, take her that is Juanita into the deepest darkest darkness, into the longest nonbreath in which life is immortal and it is simply a choice to be here, manifest in any form, for any illusory moment that is an endless moment in the true reality of time and space wherein everything is, as it always was, ONE. And I cried as I saw how easy it was to give her away, to give her away without asking for anything in return and I cried for her non-asking and non-needing and non-wanting which just increased the capacity to receive.

I cried as my heart accepted, and allowed and expanded more and more, each expansion allowing another being to live inside my observation of the Universe. Each observation of a beautiful face, body, life, song that is just one song in the infinite song of Oneness. And I cried as I asked still, Who Am I? Of all these formless forms that awaken as easily as water flows, which one am I and I cried as I laughed. I am all of them in their formlessness. Yet I am the darkness that births it all. The darkness that dreams of it all. The trees and the stars, the people and the planets. The darkness that allows itself to be perceived as fearful only to hide the most loving, the most beautiful. The darkness that birthed the beginning, when the space was the space of nothingness and still is. So I closed my eyes then and allowed that darkness to be here, in me, in the Earth that is awakening in every heartbeat, in every inhale and every exhale. As I allow it now. As I walk here, as I crawl her, as I fly here, as I surrender here, in Africas red womb. Allowing my eyes to close and to look into the darkness as it looks into me, as it seeps into the redness of her womb. I came home to my mother, to Africa to die as she re-births. As SHE closes her eyes and sees the HE is always within her, always in Union, always in love. And as I cry, I watch my tears fall into the soil, awakening the seeds that in their sleep, have always been the most awake.