The Two-factor theory. Its a common theory used in business management situations and studies across the world.

The theory discusses how the powerful motivator in our careers is not compensation, but yet the opportunities to learn, grow in responsibilities, contribute to others, and be recognized for our achievements. I truly believe that I can relate to theory in many instances in my three year career since I have graduated university. With work experience in the Energy industry, where majority of the work force is above the age of forty, I have encountered situations where I have been required to take many leadership initiatives in the development of me and my peers. ****** *******, which is the North American subsidiary of UK-based ******** ***, has grown tenfold in the past decade providing energy and energy related services across the continent. With such rapid growth, many employees were suddenly forced to understand and solve problems regarding our custom built software with no formal training program. When I first started with the company, I struggled with how to extract reports and automate metric reporting. Soon, I discovered that many of my colleagues faced the same challenge. In response to this challenge, I was determined to organize a training session with a manager who was a subject matter expert on the software. I quickly came to realize that to receive attention from senior management about this challenge, I would have to collaborate with my colleagues to draft a proposal for this training. As a result, senior management agreed for a one day training session. In the meantime, I developed a list of areas that my peers and I were having problems with and what we would like to learn further about the software. Senior Management repeatedly cancelled the training sessions due to financial reporting needs of the business and the availability of the internal trainer. After several cancellations, it was evident that this was a low priority on managements short term agenda. Once again, I gathered with my colleagues and we came to the conclusion to pitch a proposal to management where a solid date would be selected for an offsite training led by the chief enterprise architect of this software. Though this would be more costly than having an internal expert train employees in the office, the offsite would allow for a comprehensive session with no interruptions from the office environment. Senior Management agreed to the offsite allowing about sixty finance personnel to attend the offsite training. As a result of the training, attendees agreed that the training would help reduce their time in generating reports, creating time for more value added activities. In taking lead on organizing this training session, I learned that leadership and contribution within an organization is more than just identifying challenges. Leadership encompasses working together with colleagues to create and implement solutions regardless of organizational resistance. At the age of 16, on a summer trip to Karachi, Pakistan visiting my grandparents and uncles, I would have never thought before that it would be a transforming experience. The sweltering heat rising from the Arabian Sea and incessant electricity blackouts were not always the best of times. Often throughout my visit there, I visited my uncles printing shop located in a crowded market. This market was only accessible to pedestrians and from above looked like a continuous sea of people. Day after day, I noticed how business was transacted with customers in the open air market and huge deliveries were made by people on foot and not vehicles. This was definitely an unconventional way of doing business with the American ways that I had grown up. I had always thought that major deal making was done in an office with boardrooms and proper appointments. From that summer experience, I realized at a very young age that transacting business in an unconventional way does not mean it cannot be successful. What truly mattered was the uniqueness of the product, the quality of service provided, and most of all the integrity of the business relationship.

Comment [H1]: The most powerful Comment [H2]: Remove this word Comment [H3]: Specify which University. Itll show them that you give credit to where it is due. Also, if you decide to keep this the way it is, at least insert the word from between these two words. Comment [H4]: Since you already use the word situations, there is no need to specify multiple leadership initiatives. Its redundant. Just change this to to take initiative for

Comment [H5]: Dont just jump to as a result. You had to submit the proposal first. Comment [H6]: Change this to in Comment [H7]: I would clarify this a little bit more by rephrasing it. How exactly did the financial reporting needs of the business become impacted by these training sessions? Comment [H8]: Collaborated would be a more effective word here

Comment [H9]: Instead of saying that these employees agreed that it would help, tell us if it actually did help. If you can quantify it, all the more better.

Comment [H10]: This would be more effective if you were to clarify that these trips to Pakistan are usually routine.

My long term goal in life is to drive sustainable international economic development in areas that are poverty stricken. I truly believe that economic development begins with opportunities in technology, education, innovation, and entrepreneurship. International economic development encompasses a deep understanding of different cultures and ideas. It is evident that to take humanity to the highest level of achievement, we must understand one another and break any pre-conceived notions. Investment in human capital provides the largest returns that drive a nation or community to success. Through skills I can learn from the investment banking industry, I can help countries and major conglomerates identify competitive advantages that provide for sustainable, global economic development. To achieve my long term goal, it would be wise to consider working in private sector closely with the World Bank or United Nations to gain exposure on the current platform of international economic development. Being a part of The **** Fellowship Program will immensely help me achieve my long term goal. Working in London with a major banking and securities firm will provide priceless experience and a unique atmosphere of insight and diversity in the financial realm. London is one of the three global financial command centers of the world where majority of all global currency transactions occur. I believe that embarking upon a journey of experience abroad will provide an exceptional opportunity to engage, contribute, and be challenged by global perspectives. Skills and knowledge that I can gain from this fellowship will help me in the future to help increase my impact of organizations to further international economic development. It is often said that to hear is to forget, to see is to remember, but to experience is to understand. It is simply that understanding of global finance and perspectives that I truly believe will help me reach my long term goal. Ideas: Overall, your message and goals are clear. Your use of examples to illustrate your points was also well done. Organization: Overall the organization of your paper is really well done! Each paragraph is clear and deals with a single train of thought. Voice: Through the use of your example that detailed where you travelled to, you were able to distinguish yourself. Try to elaborate more on your time overseas and how it spurred your passion for sustainable economic development that you mentioned in the paragraph below it. By linking the two, your case becomes stronger. Word Choice: Your word choice does a good job of reflecting your professional background without becoming overly complex, which helps your personal statement to be easily relatable. Good job! Sentence Fluency: Most of your sentences do a good job of getting your point across, smoothly and effectively. Some of your longer sentences start to get a little convoluted, but they can be fixed by reading them aloud to see if they flow properly. Mechanics: For the most part there are no issues, and the few places there are grammar mistakes can be fixed if you read the paper aloud to find any issues. Nothing to drastic, though it would be a good idea to look over your longer sentences just to be sure.

Comment [H11]: Change to succeed Comment [H12]: If youre already working in the Investment Banking Industry, change the tense here to I have learned

Comment [H13]: Where the majority Comment [H14]: By different global Comment [H15]: acquire Comment [H16]: This is very convoluted. Try changing it to will help me impact organizations to further their international economic development initiatives