It Was Only Just A Dream

~ A PROLOGUE ~ Ayoko ng buksan ang panaginip na iyon Yung masamang panaginip na iyon Tapos na yung kabanata na yun AYOKO NG BALIKAN So there I was, sitting before them, looking straight into their very eyes but seeing things which they cannot see. At first, I was uncertain not knowing what to do or what to say, but when I looked into their eyes, I felt their sense of longing on that matter in which I thought I could conceal and will never be revealed. And I guess I could no longer keep my lips sealed and forever be haunted by this vivid dream. Looking back, I found that I had only scattered memories of what had happened. It was as though I had been through too much to take in anymore, and it felt like it just happened yesterday. The recollections I had, was just very painful My name is Susan and this is my story

Chapter I Who Am I?
Im already in my 50s. Im from Roxas City and now currently residing at Sta. Rita, Olongapo City with my husband Ricky and children Risan, 19 and Rius, 14. Were just living a simple life. I am a plain housewife and works as a technical assistant as well, at the Girls Scout of the Philippines Office, Olongapo Branch. Meanwhile, my husband takes care of our jeepney business. Other than that, we also own a small sari-sari store in our house where we get our resources. In a typical day, I welcome each morning even before the sun rises. I usually wake up at 5:30 in the morning and usually start my day by doing different chores in the house. I would also go to the market to buy my family a food to cook and prepare for breakfast and to buy other necessary stuffs to sell in our store. My family and I rarely eat meat and food cooked in oil which is why I would usually buy inexpensive yet healthy ones such as vegetables, fruits, and fish. When Im done doing chores, I head off next to the office and work there five days a week. Then, I usually go home late at night, cook dinner for the family and look after our sarisari store. Thats why at night, I go to bed very late and feels so tired and weary that I dont have the time for exercise and leisure. If you were to ask my perception of whether I am healthy or not, my answer would be Yes, I am and no, I am not. Kind of ironic, isnt it? The thing is, and to tell you the truth, I am uncertain of my perception. To simplify it, physically I feel healthy but somehow; psychologically speaking, I think Im not because I wasnt living my life for the Lord.

Chapter II The Unexpected Guest

Lord, tanggap ko to! Five years ago, there was something strange happening inside my body. It was something I havent felt before, as if my body wasnt mine at all. There was this small, hard yet palpable mass that I had felt inside my breast on the right breast to be exact. And I was thinking, What is this? Where did I got this?... How could this small thing got inside my body?. Then I thought, Is it or is it just? I didnt know I was confused Then that was the time, I started to palpate and felt a sudden chill on my whole body. Then there I was standing, left with unanswered clouds of questions inside my mind It was the year 2004, when I went to my doctor for an ultrasound. It was the time that I really wanted clear answers to my questions; to know the reason for the presence of this small thing or cyst that I call. It was that time the doctor said that I need not to worry about this thing. Somehow I felt relieved yet on the back of my mind, I was thinking, is this just a small nothing or a BIG something? On the year 2007, I went back to my doctor for another ultrasound as well as mammography regarding the cyst that is still living inside my body. Apparently, I was given

the same answer for the same question. Not until the year 2011 when I could no longer bear the pain that I am going through. As I recall, on my previous visit, the doctor advised me to undergo chemotherapy before doing a biopsy. According to this doctor, going through a biopsy could aggravate the growth of this cyst and could lead to metastasis. Upon hearing that statement, I was quite shocked and yet I respected his recommendation. However, I had my personal doubts. And so, I decided for a second opinion from another specialist. On the contrary, this doctor, advised me to undergo first for a biopsy and request for a further test to verify the result. Yet I was experiencing a profound pain and the agony that I felt was unbearable. And so, this pushed me to undergo further examinations that the doctor mentioned particularly the biopsy, together with mammography and ultrasound. And the longer I wait for the result, the more anguish was been inflicted in me. Neither could I raise my right arm nor fasten my brassiere. My right breast was starting to swell and hardens as well. I couldnt hide the tears anymore as it slowly stream down my cheeks. Along this journey I am going through, Merlie, my friend is my companion all throughout from the beginning. Somewhere in November 2011 , we went to the hospital together to get the results of the said tests. Upon stepping inside that very place, I felt that same feeling I had when I first encountered this unexpected guest. And there we were, meeting face to face with the doctor. My palms were sweating, my heart was pounding, and my chest was like starting to grasp for air. Then his mouth started to open and form words I could barely comprehend because of these reactions Im having. I closed my eyes for a moment and prayed to God that whatever the outcome may be, I would willingly accept the challenge. Then I opened my eyes and looked straight in the doctors eyes while my feelings intensified. When his next words came to me, I breathe deeply as he declared those final words thus the moment of truth: STAGE II CANCER: MALIGNANT.

(*Writers Note The diagnosis of the patient is written according to the patients statement and not from the physicians statement.)

Chapter V More than a Lottery Winner

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened Matthew 7:7-8 A shiver ran down once again on my spine. But this time it was different. Not like the ones I felt this past month. At this moment, it was from that cold, gentle breeze that blew pass by. I glanced around and delighted to see these bright lights and colorful lanters. As I inhaled the December air of the same year, a thought crossed my mind saying, Wow! How fast time flies. On one particular night, as people were getting ready for the Yuletide Season, that was the also the time that they started to speculate. Wondering and thinking, What got into them? What could be the reason for their joyful noise? What is it really happening inside the Ebagats residence? Did they win the lottery?Well, that was the time that an unexpected news came to our family. A news that changed everything. It was the time that my doctor revealed the result of my second biopsy BENIGN. What a sweet feeling it was the sensation of tears streaming down our faces not from sorrow but from the happiness it brought us. Never could I imagine that the whole household could be filled with loud and joyful shouts of praises unto the Lord. The experience that my family was feeling was like we won a jackpot on the lottery. But really, it was more than that. It was far beyond the cloud-nine frenzy that we were feeling. And truly, I cant just stop thanking God for His goodness in me and for my love ones that lastly all of my doubts and worries were finally be put into rest. Then I remembered that He said in His Words, Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened Matthew 7:7-8. And from that moment on, I

sincerely believed that He is the reason for my healing. That He is the best doctor Ill ever had. Proven and tested! Time passed by Days MonthsWe strive to turn a single day into a manifold one as we raced through time; trying to get back the time that were taken away from us, little by little. And then, Ive decided. Ive decided to suppress all the things that had happened all the memories will soon come to an end. These were all just a part of a dream NO! It was a nightmare! I disposed all the stuffs that will remind me of the dreadful memoirs of yesterday As of now, my doctor advised to undergo a surgery in order to remove the breast tumor and yet, Im not ready. I strongly believed that there is always a right time for everything; that I want to put my trust in Him. By keeping the faith that Hell reveal to me the proper time of such decision. Seven months had already passed, and I must daresay, that this is truly a BLESSING IN DISGUISE! With this trial that weve been through, it brought us closer together and strengthened the bond not only within our family but also our relationship with God. How deeply it affects our intimacy with Him that made us more spiritually mature. I then, fully entrust my endeavors in life. There are times that I can still palpate the tumor on my breast. In such I would just put a towel soaked in lukewarm water and close my eyes to pray. I didnt have another ultrasound or mammography ever since because of the strong faith I have for the Lord. I believed that if it is really my time to die, then it is really Gods time and will for me. Now, I find myself in the midst of ordinary people living like them with no glimpse of the past only stronger and wiser I am now a woman of strength!

Chapter III Shattered Dreams and Broken Hearts

Hindi ko kaya! Baka isang araw, magulat ka na lang, nagpakamatay na ko The doctors words still lingers in my ears. Speechless I was out my senses... My mind was in a trance-like state I could barely touch the food that is front of me while I was with my friend in a fancy restaurant where we would meet her husband. When he came, the three of us were in the midst of silence in which neither one of us could break. Then I sigh deeply, a deafening sound that ruined that silence. I told them that no one aside from us would know the truth about my condition; that neither my family nor friends would know what I am going through. Days passed by and Ive been doing my best to smile in front of my family as I try to hide the pain and misery Ive been feeling inside. Sometimes, when Im alone I cant help but ask myself, Why did this happen to me? Despite of the countless prayers I offered to Him still the pain wont subside. But out of the abundance of my heart I hoped that this was just all a part of bad dream a very, very bad dream. And yet I failed. Im tired of just smiling, pretending, and hiding Im falling apart. And I cant stop myself but to weep as if it was the only solution to ease this feeling. However, I remember what my friends advised me and that is to be honest with my family. And Ive finally come to realize that they were right. One time, Ive decided to tell my husband about my real condition but the only thing Ive said to him was, Hindi magandaHuwag mo ng alamin kung anong stage. Basta hindi ito maganda. Then I asked him a big favor not to tell the kids but the feeling was too much for him to take the weight on his shoulder was so heavy that he eventually revealed the truth to our

children. And from that moment on, it was the start of our calvary. A day would not come to pass without us crying a river. Consequently, my husband stunned me one night as he suddenly blurted out, Hindi ko kaya! Baka isang araw, magulat ka na lang, nagpakamatay na ko. I was gravely affected worried alarmed by that sudden outburst. I couldnt believe that the effect was greater on him than mine. Right then, the only thing that you can hear in the four corners of our home was a sound of woe and despair.

Chapter IV Leap of Faith

Cancer - a single word that echoes on in harsh refrain. Death a synonym for it. What catastrophic effect my condition has brought us. Doubts, fears, sorrow, anxiety, and pain a chaos of emotion flooded into each others minds. Somehow, I couldnt help but to think negative things about my situation. Of how it could simply take my life in a snap like a thief in the night. In spite of these, I tried to be strong and be optimistic about the things I am uncertain of. I told myself not to show any signs of weakness particularly hopelessness. My husband and I went to the hospital for consultation and the doctor advised me to undergo chemotherapy and we immediately agreed. Then we went to Manila to have my therapy but before hand, we intercede together. As I waited in line for my turn, I noticed that most of the patients undergoing therapy experience nausea, vomiting, and weakness. I inhaled deeply and set my mind that I will not let myself be affected on the things that are happening in my environment. Then the time came for my turn. As my heart started to pound faster, I closed my eyes and prayed. I felt the needle as it penetrates into my skin but most of all the medication that slowly creep inside my vein. Fortunately, that was the only dilemma that Ive encountered during that session. And I couldnt help but wonder why didnt I feel nauseated that time whereas everywhere I look, the other patients were vomiting left and right. Aside from that weekly chemo session at Manila, I am also drinking several oral medications which I am not familiar of such as Tegafur, Sulfate, LC, Tamoxifen, Endoxan, and Vitamin E. I felt weaker every time I took those medicines. Ikaw ba naman magtake ng ganung

karame na gamot, araw-araw, mula umaga hanggang gabi!. I cannot eat and always vomits after ingesting foods. In order for me to eat, my family and I would always go to Maxxs Restaurant to dine. The food they served was the only things that I can ingest. While in our house, my husband would always prepare me certain fruits and vegetables that I can only tolerate to eat. Aside from the changes on my diet, my physical appearance changed as well. My hair started to fall and my husband would buy different hats for me to wear. Then one day, I asked him, Hindi na ba ako maganda sa paningin mo?. Then he answered, Ano ka ba, asawa kita! Kahit anuman ang mangyaring pagbabago sayo, kalbo man ikaw walang mangyayari! Mahal na mahal pa rin kita! Mas lalo at patuloy kitang minahal at mamahalin... Mananatili pagmamahal ko sayo Lalo pang nadaragdagan. Those words really made me cry and then I sweetly replied, HUWAAHW! Ang sweet naman!. Then I realized how much I mean to him. One day, my husband opened up something regarding the selling of our properties including our jeepneys. He wants us to settle at our province permanently. On the other hand, I also realized that we already spent lots of money for my treatment. I can feel the pain and suffering of my husband. I started to cry for I cannot take it anymore. I felt useless at everything. I sympathize for my husband. On the contrary I feel so blessed that he was there all along for me. I was never left nor forsaken. I can feel how much he loves and that he will do everything for me. As for my children, they were also with on the battle I am in. Risan and Rius, my children, would sometimes come to me and cry out, Ma, hindi po namin kaya! Hindi po talaga! Hindi kami mabubuhay kung mawawala ka!. But I told them to be strong in the name of the Lord and keep their faith alive. Months had passed by; I had four chemo sessions before the therapy stopped. Before having that second Biopsy, I just continued to pray. I also attended different churches asking God for his divine healing. And never did I stop believing in Him and by his almighty power I will be healed.