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PATRICK VAZ Presented at The Counseling Group

Assertiveness
(From Wikipedia, other sources and personal experiences) Assertiveness is a particular mode of communication. It means how you express your thoughts and feelings and how you respond. In fact it describes, who you are; your Personality. Here is an example: Construction worker John, a very successful developer in California took his wife to show her his grandest project. While they were touring the site a construction worker recognized his wife and yelled, Hey Emily! Remember me? We used to date at one time! On the way back home, John looked at Emily while driving and said sarcastically, Arent you lucky you married me or you would have been the wife of that construction worker? (How would you feel if you were Emily? Hurt? Insulted? Belittled? Any other feelings? And most important, how would you respond? Would you swallow the insult? Internalize it? Emotionally distance yourself? Become gloomy and stop talking to him? Never go back to another site with him? Get even with him in the bedroom? Become Passive Aggressive in other ways?)

This is how Emily asserted. She shot back with a smile, You should appreciate John that I married you or he would have been the millionaire and not you. John gave a hearty laugh. Dorland's Medical Dictionary defines Assertiveness as: A form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person's rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one's rights or point of view. Assertiveness is often linked to self-esteem. Sometimes you may choose to assert yourself in writing. Letter from John Grays wife Bonnie. (Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus): Johns practice was growing. He was spending more and more time at work. He brought home big money. He would come home late and tired and had little time for his wife. She wrote him this short letter: Dear John: Im writing you this letter to share with you my feelings. I dont mean to tell you what to do. I just want you to understand my feelings. I am angry that you spend so much time at work. I am angry that you come home with nothing left for me. I want to spend more time with you. It hurts to feel like you care more about your clients than me. I feel sad that you are so tired. I miss you.

Im afraid you dont want to spend time with me. I am afraid of being another burden in your life. I am afraid of sounding like a nag. I am afraid my feelings are not important to you. I am sorry if this is hard to hear. I know you are doing your best. I appreciate how hard you work. I love you. Bonnie The letter touched John. She was not blaming him. She was not telling him what to do. She was not calling him names. She simply expressed her feelings. He started coming home at least an hour earlier. That brought balance in his life. He felt happier and that reflected in his practice and brought greater success. The goals of assertiveness include:

Increased awareness of personal rights Differentiation between non-assertiveness and Assertiveness Differentiation between passive-aggressiveness and aggressiveness Learning both verbal and non-verbal Assertiveness Skills.

Passiveaggressive behavior, is passive. It is sometimes obstructionist resistance to cooperation in interpersonal or occupational situations. It is a personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes, usually disavowed (I dont know response) resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, (let it happen, I dont care), procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or

deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is responsible (failing to wash his shirt or failing to bring her dress from the cleaners, in spite of repeated requests ). Below are some responses of passive-aggressive behavior: ( May not all show in any one person) Ambiguity (May be may be not) or speaking cryptically (unclear or with double meaning): a means of engendering (creating) a feeling of insecurity in others 2) Chronically being late and forgetting things: another way to exert control or to punish. 3) Fear of competition 4) Fear of dependency 5) For fear of intimacy to act out in anger: The passiveaggressive often cannot trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. 6) Making chaotic (disorganized, confused) situations 7) Making excuses for non-performance 8) Obstructionism (making things difficult) 9) Procrastination 10) Sulking (moody, silent and irritable) 11) Victimization response: instead of recognizing one's own weaknesses, tendency to blame others for own failures. Blaming others for them not being happy. 12) Complaining of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others 13) Sullen (gloomy) and argumentative 14) Unreasonably critical and scorning authority 15) Express envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate or more successful
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exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune 17) Alternating between being hostile, defiant and contrition (regret) These people are very difficult to deal with and they are even more difficult to confront because the ill-will is masterfully disguised. Passive-aggressive (P/A) people are generally pretty angry inside. You must learn to address it and confront it. If you don't, YOU will be a part of the problem and perpetuate this manipulative nightmare into even greater deterioration of relationship. This behavior could have started as a child by being brought up in an oppressive and overly authoritative atmosphere at home or in a boarding school. A P/A spouses usually makes life difficult for their partner and if prolonged over many years could fall prey to their own behavior. It surely makes married life unhappy and painful. P/A people are essentially unhappy and insecure with poor people skills. They become Cold War Warriors. The most difficult aspect of dealing with them is to pin point what they said or did. If asked, Are you angry? or Is anything wrong? they may reply with a simple, No! P/A behavior could frustrate their partner. Getting the other person frustrated and confused may give them a sense of victory; a sense of control. Such behavior should be identified and confronted tactfully and with patience. It needs people skills and assertiveness to deal with it. Rewarding or punishing such behavior only makes it

worse. It needs to be identified and the resentment from where it arises discussed and resolved. The greatest difficulty is their denials and unwillingness to discuss arising out of their inner insecurities. . Example: When the wife starts talking and the husband walks away, she should walk behind him and assertively say, I need to talk to you! It hurts me and makes me angry when you do that? Are you angry with me? Can we talk about it? Maybe there is some misunderstanding! If it is my fault, I will try to correct it! Please listen to me! I am willing to listen to you! If he still refuses to listen, It worries me that we should set a bad good example for our children that they could start acting like this with us or it could spoil their own marriage.....and so on without raising voice, getting angry or being sarcastic. One should not expect just one or few attempts to suddenly change long held behavior. Your new Assertiveness may not be welcome in the beginning. Being persistently assertive with proper people skills is probably the best approach. ROBERTO AND HIS WIFE Thirty-three year old Roberto had promised his wife Tina that he would be home after work in time for her to attend her weekly "Women's Group Meeting at her church. Having only one car, Tina was completely at the mercy of Roberto's promise. Roberto did not show up until 8:45 PM, way too late for Tina to attend her meeting. Rather than being apologetic, however, Roberto explained to Tina (who was outraged at this point) that he "couldn't help it" because, "I had to help a friend. His car had broken down." He lamented "How could I let Michael down? He was best man at our wedding!"

Was Tina being unreasonable in her anger? After all, Roberto was helping out a mutual friend. Yet, looking deeper into this situation turns out that Roberto really didn't want Tina to attend those meetings because it was "putting ideas into her head and she was beginning to get assertive". Yet, he couldn't just forbid Tina from attending, so he handled the situation in an underhanded way-sabotaging her attendance in a way that would still make him look good. After all, he could argue, what reasonable person would get mad at someone who was late because he was helping out a friend? The Anatomy of Passive Aggression Passive-Aggression is a psychological mechanism for handling hostility or anger in an underhanded or devious way that is hard for others to prove. Sometimes the passive-aggressive is aware of what he or she is doing, and other times not because it has become part of ones nature. Yet, the result is the same; things are sabotaged by the passiveaggressive and it somehow is never their fault. A really good passive aggressive is very slippery with excuses, justifications, or alternative reasons for why things go awry. Passive-Aggression is not always expressed directly in behavior but sometimes in words or humor. Sarcasm which communicates hostility is often a tool of the passiveaggressive person, as are jokes made at others expense. Some common examples of passive- aggressive behavior: 1) When conversing with someone who is angry at you, they leave out important information which gives you the wrong impression. 2) Talking behind the back of someone in a harmful waygossiping.

3) Exaggerating the faults of your spouse (behind his or her back) to your parents while maintaining "sweetness" toward your spouse. 4) Playing dumb or inadequate to frustrate someone or gain advantage. . 5) Upset with your wife's weight, you "affectionately" call her "pork chop" in public in a way that appears playful on the surface. HOW TO DEAL WITH PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior is extremely challenging because a really good passive aggressive is very slippery. Often you may not be sure if you have been the victim of passive aggressive behavior or not. You may be feeling angry and upset, but not sure why or if it is justified. It's like having a fight with an invisible enemy, because the passive aggressive dont use tangible tools. There is no screaming and yelling, no throwing of pots and pans, no name-calling. That is because they need to maintain for themselves their ideal of being perfect. How do you tell? One way to identify it is to look for patterns in someone's behavior - not just isolated incidents. For instance, if Roberto generally is dependable and is home on time for Tina to attend her meetings, the one "miss" may not be motivated by passive-aggression. However, if he often sabotages Tina's attendance or in other ways while denying he is doing so, a behavior pattern is evident. What should you do to deal with passiveaggression once you have identified it? Tips to cope with passive aggressive behavior:

Tip #1- Directly confront the behavior and ask if the person is angry at you. For instance, ask "You called me pork chop tonight. Do you have issues with my weight?" or You were getting late and did not inform me, You dont like my going to the Womens Group Meetings? Tip #2. Be on guard and don't trust what the person says or commits to. Develop a Plan B. For instance, Tina could have arranged for someone else to pick her up for the meeting in case Roberto didn't make it home on time. This makes his sabotage ineffective. Tip #3. Use assertive communication skills to let a person know how what they do affects you and how it makes you feel. Try something like "I heard you repeat something that I told you in confidence. That really hurt me; please don't do it again because I would like to trust you." In Summary: Passive aggressive behavior is a way to sabotage or attack in hidden manner. It is a result of pent up anger and resentment. Identify and point out the sabotaging behavior. Try to find out the reasons behind it and find solutions to pacify it. Once exposed it is less likely to be repeated. The way to do that is not through anger or aggression but through reasoned and balanced assertiveness. The real solution is to patiently help and encourage the Passive Aggressive become Assertive. Being a role model may help. HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is thus distinguished from both aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries, their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate them through fear. Passive communicators are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive behavior of one can also result in the other adopting a Passive Aggressive behavior.

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The rich man and his beautiful wife: He was super rich and she was extraordinarily beautiful. She married for his wealth and he for her beauty and expected obedience. He was a self made millionaire in Delhi, a figure of authority and dictatorial. His word was law at work and at home. He brooked no opposition. They had two sons now in their twenties both driving BMWs. He pampered and spoiled them. He was grooming them to join his business. My acquaintance was a friend of one of the sons. He explained, Uncle, she is in her 40s but looks much older. Every time I visit their home, I see her sitting alone and silent in an overstuffed sofa in a corner. She does not even lift her head to see who has come. She looks depressed and has many health problems. She is in and out of five star hospitals. My comment: She is crushed and very unhappy. It is affecting her health. This was her involuntary way of being Passive Aggressive. That is the only time she feels in control, getting kind attention from others, especially her husband besides punishing him by making him spend. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by overcoming fear of speaking his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. Assertive people are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive people. Assertiveness needs communication and people skills. Assertive Communication Assertive communication consists of sharing wants and needs honestly in a safe manner. This presumes respect for the boundaries of one's self and others. Such boundaries include guarding ones own and respecting others a) physical self b) possessions, and c) relationships. It also

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presumes an interest in the fulfillment of your needs and wants and that of the other through cooperation. Such communication "emphasizes expressing feelings forthrightly, respectfully and without being sarcastic, in a way that will not spiral into aggression which could lead to an unpleasant argument". If others' actions threaten one's boundaries, one communicates calmly and firmly, I feel insulted. I think you may like to reword what you said. If the other person persists, I dont think this conversation is helping. We should discuss it some other time when we are in better frame of minds. In contrast, "aggressive communication" judges, threatens, lies, breaks confidences, stonewalls, and violates others' boundaries. At the opposite end of the dialectic is "passive communication". Victims may passively permit others to violate their boundaries. At a later time, with pent up anger they may come back and attack with a sense of impunity (careless license) or righteous indignation. Assertive communication attempts to transcend these extremes by appealing to the shared interest of all parties; it is worth noting that it "focuses on the immediate issue at hand and not attack the person". Aggressive and/or passive communication, on the other hand, may mark a relationship's end, and reduce self-respect of the aggressor or of the victim or both. Assertive people Assertive people have the following characteristics: 1) They feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires. 2) They are "also able to initiate and maintain comfortable relationships with other people

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3) They know their rights and respect the rights of others. 4) They have control over their anger. This does not mean that they repress this feeling; it means that they control anger and talk about it in a reasoning manner. 5) "Assertive people ... are willing to compromise with others, rather than always wanting their own way ... and tend to have good self-esteem". 6) They consider compromise a win-win solution and not a defeat. 7) "Assertive people enter friendships from an 'I count my needs. I count your needs' position".
How to assertively say NO from Stephen Coveys, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: My wife was invited to serve as chairman for a committee in a community endeavor. She had a number of truly important things she was trying to work on and she really didnt want to do it. But she felt pressured and finally agreed. Then she called one of her dear friends to ask if she would serve on her committee. Her friend listened for a long time and then said, Sandra, that sounds like a wonderful project, a really worthy undertaking. I appreciate so much you inviting me to be a part of it. I feel honored by it. For a number of reasons, I wont be participating myself but I want you to know how much I appreciate your invitation. Sandra was ready for anything but a pleasant NO. She turned to Stephen and sighed, I wish I had said that.

Assertive Techniques Techniques of assertiveness can vary widely. Manuel Smith, in his 1975 book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, offered some of the following behaviors:

Broken record
The "broken record" technique consists of simply repeating your requests or your refusals every time you are met with resistance. "As

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with a broken record, the key to this approach is repetition ... where your partner will not take no for an answer" A disadvantage with this technique is that when resistance continues, your requests may lose power every time you have to repeat them. If the requests are repeated too often it can backfire on the authority of your words.

Fogging
Fogging consists of finding some limited truth to agree with what an antagonist is saying. More specifically, one can agree in part or agree in principle, I agree in part (state that part) but not everything you said or I agree in principle but not the way you put it. . Negative inquiry Negative inquiry consists of requesting further, more specific criticism, Can you please be more specific or make it clearer?

Negative assertion Negative assertion disagreement with criticism without letting up demand, I am afraid I dont agree with what you said. I still think we need a new washing machine. I statements
I statements can be used to voice one's feelings and wishes from a personal position without expressing a judgment about the other person or blaming one's feelings on them, I feel uncomfortable at my in-laws place. I wish I had better people skills to interact with them!

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Applications Several research studies have identified assertiveness training as a useful tool in prevention of alcohol-and-drug-use disorders. An aggressive or passive individual unable to assert suitably could try to cope with the pain from relationship/s by pacifying it with some form of addiction. Lack of proper Assertiveness and Social Skills can result in variety of disorders. Assertiveness to work should be balanced with sensitivity. One problem with the concept of assertiveness is that it is both complex and situation-specific.... Behaviors that are assertive in one circumstance may not be so in another. While unassertiveness courts one set of problems, over-assertiveness creates another. Some people, when trying out assertive behavior may go too far and become aggressive. Divorced from respect for the rights of others, assertiveness techniques could be abused: The line between repeatedly demanding ("broken record") versus coercive nagging, emotional blackmail, or bullying, could be a fine one.
Read Dr. Alis book, BECOME ASSERTIVE. It is a great guide. He provides definite guidance and clear methods for becoming Assertive. Read and practice it. An hour of reading and a few weeks of practice could make you more effective and you life happier.