Chapter 3: I hate myself My history with God But then, God was always there for me!

How great this vision of hindsight is: It allows us to look over that shanty we call our pastand where we ended up. Do we ever consider how we managed to limp across those broken bridges, crawled through shattered-glass tunnels where eyes of unrest, fear, deceit, anything negative, harmful or debase lurks? (Job 10:12 ESV) You have granted me life and steadfast love, and your care has preserved my spirit. (Job 33:4 ESV) The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life. (Joh 6:63 ESV) It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is of no avail. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. (Rom 8:6 ESV) To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. (Rom 8:11 ESV) If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. (1Co 15:45 ESV) Thus it is written, "The first man Adam became a living being"; the last Adam became a life-giving spirit. The Word of God makes two things very clear: 1. Our spirits receives life from Jesus who became a life-giving spirit, through our believing in our heart and confession of our mount and 2. He has made us, and His breath gives us life. It would be very wrong of us to presume God is talking here exclusively of His children those who are saved by the blood of Jesus, for how can we exclude anyone from the Kingdom of God on our opinion of their current spiritual situation? For God says: (1Sa 16:7 ESV) But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart." I believe we are all alive because of the Grace of God. Our bodies are alive because He is the Giver of life physical and spiritual. It is thus that I can build my faith upon this, one-of-many rocks: Holy Spirit, you are with me, for there is still breath in my lungs. I can praise God from this point of view.

I can raise solace that He is still with me, when His word seems vague, my prayers seem powerless, the eyes of my heart have grown dim, my emotions are raw and empty, hope departed from me and all are bleak, I can still draw a breath and sigh Life is still within me and we must take this further If life is still within me, then God did not withdrew from me, and if God did not withdrew from me, then there is a future, a hope and a plan in God for my life! Then, there will be salvation for me, from my current situation and from my sinful ways! Ever since I can remember, my mother used to read me bible stories, my favorite being Sampson! I loved pondering on the word of God, thinking about it, analyzing it, taking it apart and rebuilding it into my current situation. Trying to understand from Gods view, what He was teaching me, why things were happening to me as they did. Honestly, as a child I was filled with whys, trying to understand my situation and Gods word. My mother was very diligent in this, and I am very thankful towards her for pointing me to God! Even at my weakest moments: When I hated myself because I wanted to commit suicide but didnt have the guts to do it, causing me to hate myself even more, there was always a thin thread from God connected with me. There was still breath in me, God didnt forsake me: (Heb 13:5 ESV) Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Again, reading this scripture, a light goes on: yeah, I dont live for money, I believe I am free of the love of money, but am I content with all I have? Ah, I almost missed it, did you miss it? be content with what you have we are so focused on our possessions that we dont stop to think: Am I content with me, who God made me, how God made me, my looks, my emotions, my wit, wisdom everything I am that which I love and hate about me, bar sin? This is new; I have to add it to my rock collection! Father, help me be content with all I have or dont have, all I am and all I am not!