CONFLICT:

The Second Person of the Unholy Trinity

The Unholy Trinity : Part 2 by David Miles
I hate conflict. I hate the inner tension I feel when someone says or does something that offends me or tweaks my sensibilities. Simply put, conflict is an uncomfortable reality in a world that seeks to live independent from God. If you do any sort of regular ministry in churches as an intentional interim, conflict may be a constant companion. How do you handle it? Here are a couple thoughts when considering this unwelcome guest.

First, what the conflicts about is probably not what its about. Much conflict has its roots deep in family systems that neither you, nor the church you pastor, are aware of. This is in line with what Moses says in Exodus 20:4-6. The sins of the fathers are passed down to the third and fourth generation. What seems to precipitate the conflict then, is often not the real issue. Thats why conflict, to be resolved, must be resolved at all levels, and especially at its root level, or it will remain a part of a life, a family, or a church. Secondly, the simplest way to address conflict is to get curious about what created it in the first place. Lean into the conflict! Most of us do one of three things when faced with a relational skirmish: We run away, take a stand and fight, or just pretend things are okay. None of these address the problem in a way that leads to its resolution. Only when we choose to lean into it, get curious about it, or seek to understand why it is happening in the first place does conflict move towards a productive conclusion. Ive found that a simple question put in one or two different ways will resolve most conflicts: Help me to understand the reason you.... or Im puzzled as to why you.... If you teach a congregation to get curious and genuinely ask those simple questions of others when they find themselves upset over something, many of their conflicts will just disappear. Third, dont be afraid to disrupt the false peace. God is a peacemaker and those who follow him should be peacemakers as well (Isa 52:7, Matt 5:9). But there is a difference between making peace and keeping the peace. Good interim pastors are not peacekeepers. They are peacemakers. Jesus is called the Prince of Peace but when we consider his life and ministry he was constantly in conflict. Thats because true peacemaking will not allow false peace. Only when the false peace is confronted will the real peace, brought about by the work of Christ, actually become a reality. But believe me. In the mean time, making peace will feel very much like conflict. Finally, apply the gospel to the conflict. This may be the most powerful long-term method for conflict resolution. We must help our churches understand that since Christ willingly died for our sin, and gives us peace with God based on no merit of our own, we should have no problem humbly admitting our part in a conflict. At the same time, since the cross teaches us that we are more loved than we can imagine, we can graciously, courageously, and boldly confront or address others who need confronting in a conflict without fear of what they think or do. And because of the grace of God we can show grace to others and address conflicts without being condescending, patronizing, arrogant or obnoxious. The gospel gives us the ability to address the most egregious conflicts with tact and truth.

Dave Miles is the director of ReTurn-Creating Pathways of Hope and Reconciliation crmreturn.org