First Published in Great Britain in 2008 by The Relationship Gym Ltd.

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Disclaimer
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A Word From The Author

Over my years of coaching its become clear that some people experience much more heartache and pain than others. There are people who just get up and carry on with their lives, following a break up, and there are those that just cant. I know through personal experience that in the worst cases people take their own lives and I really hate that, its such a waste. I know that it is possible to get so lost in grief that you may forget how good life can be. It doesnt matter if you were abandoned by your love or ended a painful relationship yourself, your pain is real! I see it as my mission to get your head back above water as soon as possible as I do not want you to be one of those lost souls that die of a broken heart. Ive been where you are, I know your pain and Im truly sorry youre stuck in it right now. I know that words cannot capture the misery that is your life at the moment, but please let me reassure you from the bottom of my heart - one day youll look back on this, shake your head and wonder what all the fuss was about. Im going to ask you to dare to believe that no matter how real the end of your life is feeling now, you will come around. Please trust that you will be feeling better very soon. I can teach you how to become one of those people who just gets up, dusts themselves off and gets on with living again. As you read through this programme, please be reassured that all the names and some of the details of their stories have been changed to protect confidentiality. I wrote this program because its been screaming at me to write it for years. The heartbreak section on our website is one of the smallest parts but it gets the most traffic by far. Writing isnt the easiest thing in the world for me to do. This is born out of a desire in me to ease suffering in the world and I sincerely hope that youll do the work I outline here so you can be free of your pain. My wish for you is that by the end of this program the following blessing will be true for you. May you be happy, may you be well and may you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease.

A Word From The Author

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Contents
Disclaimer ................................................................................................................. 3 A Word From The Author .......................................................................................... 4 Contents ....................................................................................................................... 5 Step One ...................................................................................................................... 6 Remembering You Are Not Alone! ............................................................................ 6 A gentle reminder .................................................................................................... 12

The Rest of the Book

Step Two - Getting The Support You Need! ............................................................ 13 Step Three - Making Time To Say Goodbye............................................................ 26 Step Four - Feeling Those Feelings ........................................................................ 36 Step Five - Removing The Painful Reminders ......................................................... 49 Step Six - Moving Out Of Misery ............................................................................. 56 Step Seven - Turning Defeat Into Victory ................................................................ 61 Step Eight - Building Bombproof Boundaries ........................................................... 73 Step Nine - Raising The Titanic ............................................................................... 79 Step Ten - Celebrating Your Changes ..................................................................... 86

Contents

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Step One
Remembering You Are Not Alone!
Hello, let me say right up front that Im sorry youre in so much pain right now. Whatever words we use about whats going on for you right now, its very unlikely well begin to even touch the reality of how bad you feel. Im writing this for you because I want you to feel better as fast as possible. I really dont want you to feel so low a moment longer than absolutely necessary. The great news is that you dont have to feel bad for very much longer, as youve started the process of getting yourself back to full strength by purchasing this programme.

Karens Story
Karen called me having been referred by a therapist friend of mine; she was having a hard time getting her words out as she was sobbing so hard. Through the tears she told me that she was very scared and felt more alone that shed ever felt. Her marriage had just come to an end. Her life felt very dark and she didnt recognise herself. She couldnt eat and was having a hard time sleeping. It was worse because she really couldnt see an end to it; shed been in pain like this for a couple of weeks now and as far as she was convinced she wasnt going to make it through another day. Karen felt like she could no longer talk to her friends about her pain, fearing shed burned up all her credit with them having the same sad conversations for the past two weeks. Shed tried drinking herself to sleep on the worst nights but even that didnt work because her dreams would torture her. There was just no escape: I hear you fix broken hearts, please can you fix mine, its been smashed into a million pieces? she sobbed.

I work with heartbreak

Karens story is not unusual for me; I work with heartbreak, and yes, I did fix her broken heart. By the end of our first session, she was feeling much better about how bad she felt. The pain didnt instantly disappear, thats just not possible, but she at least knew why it hurt so much and how she could start recovering her sunnier side again.

Step 1 Remembering You Are Not Alone

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So youre heartbroken, its a powerful word, but

its just a Word

At its worst, heartbreak feels literally as if your tender, beating heart has been broken, shattered or maybe even ripped from your chest. It can feel like a very lonely place, but Im here to tell you youre not alone and youre going to get through this intact so long as you can avoid doing anything stupid. Heartbreak is a horrible kind of pain; its a lot like a really bad toothache. If youve got a toothache, its all you can think of. Its in your head and eats at you, but no one else can see it. To the rest of the world, you can easily appear normal, but right now a little love and sympathy wouldnt go amiss. If it was a broken arm or leg in plaster, it would probably hurt a whole lot less and people would make a much bigger fuss of you. Hardly seems fair, does it? In my experience, heartbreak only gets really overwhelming when you feel alone with it. You are not alone. Im going to teach you how to reach out for the kind of help you need, and Im going to teach you how to soothe your heart in a way that is healthy. This programme contains all the tools which I have successfully used with many clients to fast-track their recovery, and to help them get over heartbreak. The solution is in sight, and hopefully, you can breathe a little easier knowing its about to get better.

You are not alone!

Truthfully, the world is full of heartbreak, literally full of it. Pretty much everyone is loved by someone at some point. We are human beings and humans are relationshipseeking animals. Our need to be loved is only surpassed by our need to love. So your heart is broken, but let me put that into perspective for you. According to the World Health Organisation, some 56 Million deaths occur each year around the world. That works out at about 153,400 deaths per day or a little over 100 every minute. Take a moment to think about that, lets say that 50% of those dying have been lucky enough to have had the love youve had. Thats a huge amount of hurt and pain going on, every minute of every day all over the world. You are not alone! I've worked with people that felt that surviving their heart break was impossible. They were unable to foresee a time when the pain would disappear. The truth is that it doesn't just disappear. The pain leaves you a little day by day, week by week and at its worst, month by month. But one day, you will wake up and realise you're having more good days than bad days, and you know you're on the way to healing your broken heart.

Step 1 Remembering You Are Not Alone

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Ive had a few pages about surviving heartbreak up on my website for many years now, and they are without question the most popular and well read pages Ive written. I get emails from very grateful people who say that it got them through one particularly nasty night, and I know exactly what they mean, as do you. I wrote those pages right after I survived a hugely painful breakup with someone I was totally convinced would be the love of my life. Whilst it may be difficult to find the good in what you are experiencing right now I think that were lucky if weve experienced heartbreak. I say lucky because at least you know how to love deeply, meaning that you can do it again. Just not right now, and hopefully with someone who will value your love at the depth you deserve. Let me share a story I tell my clients, it comes from a show called The West Wing, a very popular political drama in its time, which was written by Aaron Sorkin. Leo, who is one of my favourite characters ever, is talking to Josh whos got himself into a bit of trouble.

A Special Story
This guy is walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep that he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up: 'Hey, can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a Priest comes along and the guy shouts up 'Father! I'm down in his hole. Can you help me out? The Priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. 'Hey Joe! It's me. Can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here. The friend says 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.

You may have noticed that a lot of self-help books begin with several chapters telling you that youve got a problem and how the author is qualified to help you. Well, Ill take it as a given that you understand youve got a problem, and hopefully, Ill resist banging on about how brilliant I am at what I do. Right now, your only concern is feeling better fast. Ive edited this right down to the bare bones of what you must know in order for this process to work as quickly as possible. You dont really want to know about me; you need to know about you! Im going to assume youve checked out my website and testimonials and know youre in safe hands, or you wouldnt have invested so much in this solution. I designed this as a workbook to get you out of the hole youve fallen into

Step 1 Remembering You Are Not Alone

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just as fast as possible. So lets just get right down to the business of getting you out of the misery youre feeling right now. None of my writing is ever theoretical. If Im willing to put it down on paper and put my name to it, you can be sure Ive experienced it and thoroughly explored it. I think heartbreak is an almost universal experience. If youve ever dared to love anyone, then the chances are that youre going to get heartbroken at some point. Loving someone and being loved back is the one thing we all crave. Its imprinted deep into our nature. Its also a risk because you may well lose them. Lets face it, it happens. Its certainly happened to me, and heres the brief version of my biggest heartbreak. I share this piece of my history only so you know Ive been there, too.

My Story
I got into a relationship with a woman Ill call Maria. She really was the full package as far as I was concerned. I was wild about her, and she appeared to be wild about me. The truth is that my time with Maria was a total nightmare from beginning to end and for a lot of reasons, that there isnt time to explain. I fell for her with wild abandon. I basically handed her my heart and proclaimed that it was hers forever, and Id do whatever it took to make our love work. Maria was an actress and model, she was also a good deal younger than me, and I really should have known better. One of the first things she ever said to me was that she was terrible at relationships, and they never lasted. I, being a fledgling relationship coach, thought I had the necessary tools and skills for both of us. Lets just say that this was a serious error of judgement, and it all went horribly wrong. When Id eventually had enough of her ambivalence and decided to end it, I really came undone. Suddenly, I became one of those poor wretches that counted the minutes, wondering if the pain would ever pass. I would look at the sofa where we used cuddle and see a great big hole that mirrored the emptiness in my guts. I couldnt get to sleep because I was so miserable, and when I did sleep, I dreamt of Maria. For a while, it felt absolutely relentless. Id wake up at 4 a.m. in the morning to begin a long day of obsessive thinking about what Maria might be doing or how I could have behaved better, so I wouldnt have lost her. Id had relationships end before and thought I was heartbroken when they failed to work out, but this was grief on a wholly different scale. It seemed never-ending. Given youve bought this programme; I think its important that you know I really do understand how you feel right now. Ive been where you are now.

Step 1 Remembering You Are Not Alone

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As a result of this experience, I promised myself that Id become an expert on getting people over that kind of pain as fast as possible. I know people regularly kill themselves due to heartbreak. Some even go as far as killing whole families due to their pain. This programme is the result of my desire to make a contribution and ease suffering in the world. Im going to help you get your perspective back because even in the depths of your misery, I suspect you understand that youre not being entirely rational right now.

You will love again

Ive worked with clients and had enough of my own experiences to know the symptoms can vary widely, but generally there is a deep sense of suffering. You may find yourself lying face down on the carpet, crying uncontrollably - unable to see how youre going to carry on. You could find yourself struggling to take the next breath, having brief fantasies about how death or even murder would be preferable to suffering this pain a moment longer. Or you may feel that the bottomless feeling of emptiness and loneliness or even living in fear of going places you used to go together because that would only make it feel worse. I absolutely know how convincing the pain you are in is truly I do. But, Im going to ask you to dig deep and understand that no matter how real the end of your life feels right now, you will come around, and dare I say it you will love again. I know that hurts to even think about right now, but Im serious. As a result of losing your love, youre suddenly missing some very important hormones in your system and it leaves you a little (or in some cases) very crazy. This hormonal imbalance, which Ill explain in step two is a physical reality, there is a solid reason youre feeling so terrible right now. I hate to say it, but the only way out is through, and Im going to work with you in such a way that you dont get mired in your grief for any extended periods. Were going to maintain an intelligent balance between grieving what youve lost and beginning to think about how youre going to get on with your life whilst going through the process of letting go of your loved one. Youve experienced a death here; your pain isnt necessarily all about you and your Ex. Theres a third entity that we could call your relationship or your dreams. That piece of your life has died, and its painful. This is why it can be just as painful for the one doing the leaving. All those dreams you dreamed of together have died. Of course, youre in pain. If you werent, Id wonder about your emotional health. Without being overly dramatic, I want to address the potential for suicidal thoughts outright. If you really are feeling like you want to kill yourself, then you need to get professional help right now. That is not tomorrow or next week, that is right now! Im serious. If youre thinking about killing yourself, you need serious support, and you need it now.

Step 1 Remembering You Are Not Alone

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In the UK, we have the Samaritans and they can be very good at being your friend in a pinch (you need to figure out what you have available in your own country). The best news is that they are always there. Those tricky hours when it feels like the rest of the world is asleep, theres someone waiting for your call thats a much better choice than your Ex. If you manage to get someone who seems unhelpful, just put the phone down and call up again, youll get someone different. There is absolutely no shame in admitting youre not coping. Im friends with several of their counsellors and they are brilliant at listening without judgement. Wherever in the world you are, Id encourage you to look into finding the support you need, just as fast as you can get it. Ill talk more about this later, but let me say that Im a huge fan of better living through pharmacology. We have come a long way when it comes to prescribing antidepressants that actually do the trick and dont leave you drooling, acting stoned or addicted. This phase of withdrawing and grieving the loss of your love will only last so long. It doesnt have to be agony. If life is feeling unliveable even after youve done the feeling reduction work in Step Five, then getting some meds is an excellent choice. I recently had a root canal done. Later that day it really started to ache. There was a time when I would have stoically suffered my way through and had a bad nights sleep, but not anymore. I took a couple of sensibly priced pain killers, and my life was perfect again. But dont throw this book away and start demanding a refund quite yet - I didnt say you had to go on medication. There are other fantastic options too of course, mood can also be managed with exercise and nutrition which Ill talk about later. I would just like you to know its no longer such a bad choice. Just work your way through this programme, and lets see how you feel in a day or two. Lets get to work So, thats my introduction! Its time to get on with putting you to work. As I said, I know youre looking for solutions that break this cycle of feeling bad, not just stuff to read to make the book a little thicker. Skim through the steps first to give you an overview of the process ahead of you in dealing with your relationship break-up. Then youll have a sense of exactly where you want to begin. You need to decide whether to get on with reading from the beginning, or get straight into some of the feeling reduction type exercises in Step Five, or get on with the grieving in Step Four. Let me take you through the same programme that Ive taken hundreds of people through. I might not be able to work with you in person, but well be doing exactly the same exercises and so long as you do the work, you will get the results. Feeling better is just around the corner. I cant force you to do the exercises, but if its in the programme, its because its brilliant. I wouldnt waste your time or mine with anything less. I really wish I could be there for you in person, and I hope youve got someone great holding your hand through this time. Worst case scenario, there are some video clips which are linked to this programme so Ill see you there. You are not alone! Step 1 Remembering You Are Not Alone page 11

A gentle reminder
I just want to repeat that Im sorry youre in so much pain right now. Time and again in my work with clients its clear to me that whatever words we use about whats going on for you right now, its very unlikely well even begin to touch on the reality of how bad you really feel. The great news is that you dont have to feel bad for very much longer. Youve started the process of getting yourself back to full strength by reading this first step. Im sad to say that there is no magic wand I can wave to heal your heart. I can only show you how to do it. There are some things you have to know and some things you really must do. I can guarantee to ease your pain because Ive seen it happen time and time again over the years. All my heartbroken clients who faithfully do their part feel better fast. However, if you approach this right there is so much more on offer than feeling better. Handled properly this heartbreak is going to allow you to understand where you went wrong and youll come back better and stronger. From that place you can then make a healthy decision about what to do with your ex. Remember you can get and read How To Get Over A Break Up! without risking a cent. If youre not absolutely convinced that putting the knowledge and exercises into practice will help you, I will refund every cent of your purchase. No questions asked, no quibbling. I hope you feel better soon, I know the place youre in; I know it can feel unbearable and Id like to dig you out of that hole as fast as possible. Take good care of yourself; you dont deserve the pain youre in. As I said at the beginning, if you do this right, you will be OK.

A gentle reminder

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