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My Testimony Prozac and medication had not stopped the sucidial thoughts.

The feeling of uselessness and darkness was overwhelming. I had no hope of ever feeling any better and the doctors were of no help. Pain and depression had all but stolen my family, and I really did not seem to care. I was enclosed in my own self-pity and had built a solid wall around me.....or, so I thought. Morbid thoughts of death and the release it would give occupied my mind. A feeling of total hatred for others would often consume me and I had no compassion for the situtations of those around me....they just could not understand my own misery, why should I try to understand theirs? Withdrawn and angry , I spent most of my time trying to drink it all away...or
trying to find a drug that would releive the hurt and pain I completely involved myself in my horses and raising them...spending many hours in the barn, telling them how unfair this life was and setting all night in the quietness and security of my aloneness with only the animals to complain. My security was in the knowledge that they did not care how I looked or even how I smelled as long as I fed them, and they never tried to "talk some sense" into me. I was content to remain there in the barn alone with only the horses and dogs and felt secure with them and did not want any people around me if possible.. This could only fulfill me for so long....people kept crashing into my daughter became pregrant and my son into drugs. My husband came into the barn late one night to tell me he wanted a divorce and I did not care, I expected it. Why not? We had no marriage, no relationship and who cared anyway?? I certainly didn't, and I was sure he didn't ....he only wanted the cheaper way out....the least expensive way, I thought that was all he cared about anyway , his money... cont. next page...

During all this time , I had a new acquiance, Kim, that was

insistant that we were friends, I didn't feel friendly, but she never let up...she got saved at a small county church in my home town....and she would not shut up about it.She begged me to attend with her, she would call and come by and never would get the message, that I just wanted to be left alone!! I had been through all that , I told her and years ago... Saved in 1964, at the age of 13...I felt as tho I had been much to sinful to ever be accepted by the Lord again and the relationship , I had known as a child was betrayed my me....He would never forgive me , for the things I had done....any way she did not really know me at all.....I felt like the church would be struck by lightning if I stepped foot inside...and I told her so...I told her I knew hoh the preacher would look at me and make me cry ( I hated that ) and how the people would talk....I wanted no part of it...but she never shut up...she worn me out with her insistance and finally , just to shut her up, I agreed to go along with her one time. With many conditions, if the preacher preached at me, or if I cried , or if anyone looked at me crosseyed....I was outta there....and don't even look for me..she agreed and I

went....for just the one time, I reasoned. Maybe she would give it up , at last...when she saw that I really did know what I was talking about, besides I knew these people, she was the new one in town...she would finally understand what I meant and leave me alone....I thought. Struggling with the knowledge that I was the one who had broken the promise made years ago to God...I was just to sinful to ever be accepted in His house..I knew that He did not forgive divorce and I had been divorced twice, I also knew He would not forgive my years of involvement in the occult and drugs....You see , I thought I knew it all...and she would finally understand that some can not be forgiven.... Boy, was I in for a surprise. God must have heard all my excuses, because when I got to the church with her , everyone seemed so full of love and actually glad to see me....the preacher had the children line up and march around the room to a cute little song....that I actually laughed and felt so light-hearted ,I forgot that I had figured on crying. The preacher actually taugh on the very things I believed and explained that God looks upon the heart of a man and not his outward

appearance, hummm!! He only took up one offering and explained that sometimes the greatest offering is the one of praise or prayer and not always if you do not have the money for the offering, give a silent prayer for a neighbor or raise a word of praise to God, as your offering.... By this time , I am thinking, "Wow, where am I , is this church?" Then to top it all off , he forgot to give an alter call and I had to ask to rededicate myself to the Lord and even asked if it was right to do so...... God works in mysterious Ways and He worked a miracle that day in me.... He had beat me to the church and every condition I had placed on my friend was dealt with in Love and Forgiveness..I was breathless and awe struck....I had forgotten that God is Love and this little country church and my new friend had to gently remind me... I can not begin to tell of all the blessings and miracles that have occured

since that day, in 1996 when a new journey began in my life. Hope, and Faith, Peace and Love ...a family reunited and a marriage restored, by God Himself.... The story continues on the next on to find out just how GREAT our LORD about an

impossible near dath experience....and the wondrful ways that God can and does heal families, emotions, health concerns and so much more than we can know or even understand...God is Love....He is unchanging and the same yesterday , today and tomorrow......He wants to love you and guide you into life in in this earth as well as in eternal life with Him....Life is wonderful when we surrender ourselves to god....let Him lead and guide you as His child...He is you'r Father and He loves you , more than we can even know..... I was diagonsed with an aneurysm on the main brain stem, and by God's Hand was led to the only surgen in the country that would even attempt to perform the surgery. The peace that I felt before the surgery is hard to explain, but I just KNEW THAT GOD MEANT IT TO BE DONE , and it was a win-win sitution anyway....if I died on the table, I would be with God, and if not I would live for God...either way was acceptable to me..and I was thankful to know that there was indeed a reason for all the pain and discomfort I had know...thankful for an aneurysm , you think....YES, because it meant the prozac and medicationsfor nerves and depression were all just a mis-diagonsis and what ever the outcome, I was in the Loving and forgiving and merciful Hand of God... I wish that

there was room enought to tell of the near death experience on the operating table and the many times of the presence of God and His gifts, since that time... I will only say that ...God is Love and He is full of mercy and goodness. Each day my life changes, from precept to precept, from Glory to Glory.... A new journey and more wonderful each I grow in the knowledge of the Lord, I continue to move into a place of peace and I have seen God work miracles and wonders before my very eyes....Eyes that have been opened and ears that can finally hear the Truth. I realize that things of this world are temporary and only the things of God are eternal..this has changed the way I feel about everything and everybody.... My horses are nearly wild now, and the people I meet are all so important....I rarely go to the barn, for I spend most of my time seeking God in scripture and prayer...(altho, I have taught them all the gospel of Jesus and the Kingdon of God, after all He does say "every creature", so I practiced first on the horses and dogs and it seems they understand after all.) I want everyone to know the Truth and to recongize the deception that has

trapped so many. The deception that trapped me... I have been witnessing at the local jail, for about three years now. I have completed one year of Bible college and feel like I have been annointed to pray for the needs of others... I am daily growing and renewing my mind, and as I do , I find so much more to learn. I am motivated to love and to bless others, as I never have before...I am forgiving and I pray to show mercy to others , as God has to me... Everything looks differently now and I am not surrounded in the wall of "self" that had nearly consumed me... I am learning to be a worshipper and to just praise God because He IS and because He is ABLE....and because He alone is worthy of praise... I am thankful for the affliction and I pray to be a servant to God here on this earth. I pray.....