Emily Hazelton Womens Studies Final Paper 6 May 2012

Women In Abusive Relationships: Why They Stay

When most people enter a serious relationship, true love is a focus point. You think about having someone who will always be there to love and support you unconditionally. Maybe you think about children, and the life you will share later on. Most individuals in a loving relationship just dont think that something damaging could happen in their relationship. Relationships and marriage are great; but what about when they go wrong? On the night of Thursday April 26th, 2012, Natalie Perriello was shot to death by her husband in the quiet town of Grantham, NH. They had four children together, all of whom were present at the time of the murder. Natalie was a teacher, who managed to find good in every one of her students. She was always smiling, her laugh was contagious, and she was an amazing mother. So why would anybody want to cause her harm? Her hometown knew her husband as controlling, jealous, and borderline crazy. So why was Natalie still with him? The Centre of Disease Control surveys that one in every four women in the United States are violently attacked by their husbands or boyfriends. Twenty-nine million of them have been choked, beaten, shot, stabbed or shot while another thirty-six million have been slapped, pushed, or shoved (Daily Mail Reporter). This is a ridiculously high number. Many ask why women dont just leave these situations. It seems logical, to just run away from a dangerous situation and never give a thought to it again. But there are many things that deter battered women from leaving abusive relationships; fear, religion, and having children only name a few. Our society tends to blame women for domestic abuse, accusing them of not getting out fast

enough. The sexism in this idea is clear. Women are trained to think that staying with their husband is the right thing to do, for her husband and children. Society even goes as far as to make excuses for the males who are abusive. Our culture today manages to oppress women who are abused, whether they leave their significant others or not. Its a problem with the gender roles that still plague our society, that males will be the dominant sex and women are weaker, and need to be faithful to the home, their husbands, and their children. Although support for battered women has come far, the mindset that domestic abuse is still in part the womans fault is far too evident at this time. There is the notion that women in abusive relationships are doing something wrong that gives their husband or boyfriend a reason to mistreat. Its a double-edged sword: if the woman stays in the relationship, she is weak and if she leaves, she is labeled a bad wife and mother. Even today, theres the myth that domestic violence is the womans fault. A woman can prevent abuse by obeying her husband or trying harder to please him. The reality is that many battered women make numerous attempts to change their behavior, hoping that will stop the abuse. Ironically, this approach may only fuel the abusers control. Only the abuser can change his or her own behavior (NYAWC). The sexism of this idea is outrageous, and proves that women are still not of equal standing with men. Women as well as men often share this belief. In many cultures, women are still not allowed to make choices about whom they will marry and whether or not they will stay in a relationship. There are many understandable reasons as to why women do not leave abusive relationships, many of which are at the fault of our society. Leaving a relationship may not be a realistic option in a culture that condemns women who leave, and does not offer resources such as food and shelter. The United

States has been working to provide more for these women for many years, but the help for battered women is still not nearly as available as it should be. Some women may have a realistic fear of leaving a man who has threatened to kill her, or her children if she does. Maybe she really loves her partner, and hopes that he will change. Maybe her self-esteem is low, and she feels like a failure. No having anywhere to go for support can be a huge influence on a woman staying. She may be isolated from any source of support, of unaware that help is available. Beyond those, there are many reasons why women stay. The may rely on their significant other for insurance or financial support. Having children alters the situation completely. Many women dont know if depriving her children of their father will be better or worse. The reality is that abusive husbands and boyfriends use all of these things as a source of power and control. They use children to make her feel guilty about the children, use the children to relay messages, or threaten to take the children away (Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships). For most women, their children are their main concerns, and their existence can have a major effect on how the woman feels about leaving the relationship. All of these reasons should be enough to give women in these places a break; they need to stop being blamed for the problems of their attackers, who dont always get punished for abuse in the first place. Women should be able to get married and have children with someone without worrying about them becoming abusive. Women try their best to make it work out because of how theyve been brought up as females. From a young age, girls are given dolls to play with, which they nurture. They are taught to be respectful and kind, and are conditioned to be loving toward children and friends. Boys, on the other hand, are given plastic guns and violent video games. Men are much more likely to abuse their significant others than women are.

The gender roles of our society that are drilled into our children from the beginning have a major affect on the safety of our society, and it really needs to be fixed. Eliminate the violence taught to males, and there will be less problems down the road. Abuse, namely the murders of women by their husbands are boyfriends, is sometimes called a crime of passion, with the claim that the abuse only took place because of the abusers overwhelming love of the victim. This is a ridiculous excuse to cover for a really awful occurrence. Kristin Lardner was gunned down by her exboyfriend Michael Cartier in 1992. This was after she broke up with him after the first time he hit her. Even though Kristin did the right thing by leaving, her life was still at risk. After she was murdered, however, Lardners roommate and best friend still bough the romantic view of Michael Cartiers violence. She told reporters that Larder had cared about Cartier, and she was the only one who ever did. Thats what pushed him over the edgewhen he lost her (Jones 485). Even when something as horrific as a murder happens within a relationship, we still try to find a way to make it okay. Cartier told an ex-girlfriend that he always hit people that [he loved] (Jones 485). In actuality, you dont harm or kill someone that you really love. Our society tries to make these incidents okay by using the excuse that it was over love, instead of making a change in the way men are conditioned. Although our society has made several strides in protecting women from abuse, it still takes place far too often. If something doesnt change, women will continue to get hurt. They will continue to get abused and killed by their husbands are boyfriends who supposedly love them. Women will continue to be blamed for the abuse inflicted upon them. Its common sense that a victim should not receive blame for an attackers actions.

Who knows what had been going on in Natalie Perriellos house and who knows for how long. I wonder if more help centers in the area could have helped her. I wonder what made her husband think that morbidly. I hope that her death prompts others to make a change in the expectations of both men and women, and reevaluate the inequality that still plaques the female gender today.

Works Cited Daily Mail Reporter. "A Quarter of U.S. Women Suffer Violent Attacks by Their Partners - and One in FIVE Is Raped, Shocking New Figures Reveal." Mail Online. Web. 02 May 2012. <http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2074239/Domesticviolence-Study-reveals-1-4-women-violently-attacked-significant-others.html>. Jones, Ann. Battering: Whos Going to Stop It? Kesselman, Amy. Women: Images and Realities: A Multicultural Anthology. Mountain View, CA: Mayfield Pub., 1995. Print. "NYAWC." NYAWC. Web. 02 May 2012. <http://www.nyawc.org/info/what-isdv.html>. Van Der Zander, Irene. "Personal Safety to Help Stop Domestic Violence." Stop Domestic Violence : Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower : Personal Safety and SelfDefense. Web. 02 May 2012. <http://www.kidpower.org/resources/articles/stopdomestic-violence.html>. "Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships." Power and Control. Web. 02 May 2012. <http://www.mchenrycountyturningpoint.org/powerandcontrol.html>.