Act 1 Scene 1

Essie My goodness that Kitchen is hot. Penny Whats that dear? Essie I said that kitchen is so hot. I had to have Rheba open one of the windows. Penny Well why are you making candy today anyway? Essie I was able to get a bunch of new orders this last week. Penny If this keeps up, youll be opening your own store soon. Essie Thats what Mr. Kolenkhov was saying last night. But I said no, I want to be a dancer. Penny - The problem with dancing is it takes so long. Youve been taking lessons for about eight years right? Essie Yes, Ive been doing it as long as youve been writing. Penny Now you cant count my first two years because I was learning to type. [Rheba enters from kitchen] Rheba You candies are hardening Miss Essie. [Essie takes the plate of candy from Rheba and pops a candy in her mouth] Essie O mother, you have to try these. Penny - A bit busy dear. Essie Finished with the second act yet mother? Penny O no, I just have Cynthia entering the monastery. [Essie reaches over the desk and pops one of the candies into her mothers mouth.] [Paul enters from the cellar] Paul Ill be right back down De Pinna, I want to show my wife these new firecrackers we made. Look Penny, we could make up a whole lot of these before the fourth of July and sell them for ten cents a stick. [Paul lights a match and sticks the fire crackers on a plate and lights them] watch Penny.

[Fire crackers go off. Penny continues to type.] Paul Nice huh. Penny Yes dear. Paul I tell you the kids will go for those like hot cakes. [De Pinna enters from the cellar holding a large firework] De Pinna Mr. Sycamore, Im afraid we have the powder chamber to near the balloon. Paul Hmmm, lets go down to the cellar and try it. [De Pinna and Paul exit.] [Rheba enters and starts setting the kitchen table] Rheba Hows your play coming along Mrs. Sycamore? Penny Alright I guess. Rheba, were you ever in the monastery? Rheba [chuckles] No maam. I cant say that I was. Penny Thats a shame. I really wish I knew what to have Cynthia do next at the monastery. Rheba Maybe you should start write your war play again. I like that one best. Penny You know Rheba, I think I might do that. Rheba Is Miss Alice going to be home for dinner tonight maam? Penny O, Im not sure. Set a plate for her just in case. Rheba Lets see.Miss Alice makes six, and.Kolenkhov will probably be home soon, so that makes seven doesnt it? [Suddenly a whistling sound of a rocket followed by a series of expositions comes from the cellar.] Rheba I better set for seven. [exits to kitchen] [Essie comes out dancing, holding napkins and setting the table.] Penny Im going back to the war play Essie. Essie O really mother? Penny Yes. I got myself into the monastery and I cant seem to find my way out of it.

Essie O mother, I need to practice my dancing. Mind if I turn on the radio. Penny Not at all dear. [Essie turns the radio on and starts dancing. Penny continues to type on her type writer. Grandpa enters through the front door.] Grandpa Well, sir you should have been there. Yes sir, you should all have been there. Essie How are you grandpa? Grandpa How are you? Is that all I get. [Essie dances across the room, embracing grandpa and takes his hat off. Essie then dances across the room and sets the hat down on the coat rack.] [Paul comes up from the cellar] Paul O grandpa your home. [Shouting down into the cellar] De Pinna, show grandpa the new rocket we made. So grandpa how was the Commencement. Grandpa Wonderful they get better every year. [Chuckles] the speeches were a lot funnier too. [Grandpa sits in his chair and props his feet up.] Paul You want to hear a good speech you should hear Father Divine. Grandpa Ill wait - theyll have him there yet. [The loud whistle of a firework fills the room, soon followed by a series of explosions.] [De Pinna comes up from the cellar] De Pinna How did that sound grandpa? Grandpa Not too bad. De Pinna It still needs a little work. We got the balloon a little too close to the powder chamber. Paul Come on boy, lets head down there and work on it before dinner. [Paul and De Pinna exit.] [Grandpa pulls a newspaper off the side table and opens it up to read it.] Grandpa Which play are you working on now Penny. Still on that one with Cynthia?

Penny No, I switched over to the war play. Im stumped on the one with Cynthia, I dont know what to do about her and the monastery. Grandpa Well, why dont you write a play about Isa mania? Penny Isa mania? Grandpa Yah sure, you know, communism, fascism, voodooism. Everybodys got an ism these days. Penny O [slight chuckle] I thought it was an itch or something. Grandpa Well its just as catching. When things go a little bad nowadays, you go out and get yourself an ism, and youre in business. Penny I got it, it might help Cynthia to have an ism in the monastery. Grandpa [gives a chuckle] It might that. Only giver her Americanism. Let her know something about Americans. John Paul Jones, Patrick Henry, Samuel Adams, Washington, Jefferson, Monroe, Lincoln, Grant, Lee, Edison.and Mark Twain. When things got tough with those boys they didnt run around looking for isms. Lincoln said, With malice toward none, with charity for all. Nowadays they say, Think the way I do or ill bomb the daylights out of you. Essie O, Grandpa did you see that letter that came for you? Grandpa Pardon? A letter for me? Must be some mistake. Essie Had you name on it. Grandpa Well where is it? Essie Im not sure. Wheres grandpas letter mother? Penny Pardon dear? Essie I said wheres that letter that came for grandpa last week. [Essie turns off the music and throws one of her legs up on her mothers desk and begins to stretch. Grandpa Last week. Well, who was it from? Did you notice? Penny The United States government. Essie There was one before that too. Grandpa Hmm I wonder what they want. I cant imagine what theyd be writing me for.

[Kolenkhov enters through the front door.] Kolenkhov Hellow Everybody. Where is my Pavlova? Essie Right here Mr. Kolenkhov. Kolenkhov Ahhh, lets see if youve gotten down the lift. Alright now, on three run and leap, and Ill hoiste you into the air like we practiced, ready, one, two. [Essie runs and leaps before three. Kolenkhov isnt completely set and they both fall to the floor.] Kolenkhov Well, [as they rise from the floor] It needs a little more work. Essie Sorry Mr. Kolenkhov. Kolenkhov Do not worry my sweet little butterfly. Soon you will be as graceful as a tiger stalking its prey. A grandpa, Im in time for dinner, no? Grandpa Your in time for dinner, yes. Kolenkhov Ahhhhh, there it is, I can smell the sweet fumes of Rhebas cooking screaming from the kitchen like a little girl now. [De Pinna and Paul come up from the basement] Paul Im telling you De Pinna it would boost sales like nothing else. Mr. Kolenkhov, how are you doing these evening? Kolenkhov Fantastic Mr. Sycamore. Umm, what was it you and De Pinna here were discussing as you came upstairs? Paul Well we thought wed start making some Russian Revolution fireworks for the fourth of July to make things a little more interesting. Just imagine, the clash of the colors, the reds and the whites. Kolenkhov Such fantastic moments in my countries history. De Pinna Yes, were also going to print some advertisements about the fireworks and put them in the candy boxes. Paul We thought we put in there, Watch for the Revolution its coming soon, how do you like that? Kolenkhov Well Ive never heard a more magnificent idea in all my days. I have a number a red flags that you can write about as well.

Paul Say, thats not a bad idea, how about, The Red Flag will sweep the country, get your Red Flag from Sycamore. Essie Why thats a wonderful idea. After all its only three months to the fourth of July. It better start warming up thought or you boys are going to be in real trouble. Kolenkhov Im sorry, my nose cant take it any longer, I must go and see what Rheba is fixing for dinner. [Kolenkhov and Essie go into the kitchen. Paul and De Pinna head down to the cellar. Alice enters through the front door. Takes off her coat, hangs it up, gaily humming tune.] Grandpa Well if it isnt my Alice return from another day at the office walking on air. Alice [Walks over and kisses her mother, then starts walking towards grandpa] Hello grandpa, anything interesting happen today. [Hugs grandpa] Grandpa Interesting? In this house? Well, Alice theres always something interesting happening in this house. If there wasnt, wed probably all go insane. Alice I wouldnt expect anything less. Grandpa Say whats that you got there? Another one of those fancy dresses? Alice Yes, my boss gave it to me. Were going out tonight and he wants me to look my best. Grandpa Look your best? Hasnt he seen your face? [Essie enters from kitchen] Essie O mother, can you come help us in the kitchen for a moment? Penny - Yes Im coming dear. [Penny and Essie go into the kitchen] Grandpa So, whats all the fuss being made about him taking you out to dinner? What so formal and exciting about that? Alice A proposal is exciting. Grandpa A proposal! O, well thats something very different. Here, have a seat darling and let me talk to you. Stop messing with that dress there and lets get down to cases. So, you two in love than huh? Alice O, Well, well, I..

Grandpa Well I my foot. Either you are or you arent. Let me look at your eyes. [Picks up her chin and looks her in the eyes] O, yes of course. Now come on, tell me all about it. What kind of a boy is he? Do you have fun together? Alice Ahuh. Grandpa Well thats no answer to any question. Is he nice? Alice Ahummm. Grandpa Ahummm, cant even talk about him, can you? Alice Not rationally. Grandpa Whos asking you to be rational? Listen, when I was courting your grandmother, it took me two years to propose. You know why? The moment shed walk into a room my knees buckled. The blood would rise up into my head and the walls would start to dance. Well, twice I keeled over in a dead faint. Alice [light chuckle] Why, Grandpa! Grandpa Yeah, she finally dragged it out of me when I was in bed with a 104 fever and in a state of hysteria. The moment when she accepted, the fever returned to normal and I hopped right out of bed. Why, the case was written up in the medical journals as the phenomenon of the times. Well there was nothing phenomenal about it. I just had it bad, thats all. And I never got over it either. No sir. Right up to the very last, she couldnt walk into a room without my heart going thump, thump, thump, [hits his heart with his fist as he says thump] Alice Oh, you darling. [Embraces grandpa] I wish I had known her. What was she like? Grandpa Go look over there. [points to the mirror across the room.] Alice [Walks across the room, glances in the mirror, turns around with a huge smile on her face and goes and hugs grandpa] Oh, you darling. Grandpa You ever notice a peculiar fragrance roaming about this house? Alice Yes, but I never knew what it was. Grandpa Its hers. Its never left here. She hasnt either. I can still hear the tinkle of her thin little voice and see her eyes laughing. Thats the reason Ive lived in this house so many years and could never move out. It be like moving out on Grandma. [A pause follows as he sits thinking] Now, what was the boys name again? Alice Tony Kirby

Grandpa [Whistles] Thats a pretty sharp outfit. Well what time is he taking you out to dinner? Alice At seven. Grandpa Thats in about thirty minutes. You better get you beautiful little self-up those stairs darling and get all prettied up for this boy. Alice Alright. O that reminds me. I got something for you. Grandpa For me? Alice Yes. [pull a harmonica out of her pocket.] Here you are Grandpa [grandpa take harmonica] Why bless my soul, its a new harmonica. Alice Its for your birthday. Grandpa How do you know when my birthday is, I dont even know myself. Alice - Whenever I get the impulse to buy you a present thats your birthday. Grandpa Well, [chuckles] thanks darling. Alice Now, you just sit there and play with your new toy while I round up the rest of the family. [Grabs a bell of the kitchen table and starts rining it.] gather around everyone its the town crier. [Everybody starts pouring into the living from the kitchen, and down stairs in the cellar.] Alice Gather around everybody. I have an anouncment to make. Penny Well what is it? Alice A young gentleman is calling for me this evening. Penny O, is that all Alice? Essie Hold on a minute mother, maybe his a special gentleman. Alice You may go to the head of the class Essie. Kolenkhov Whats so special about him, does he have horns or something? Alice No he doesnt have horns. De Pinna, I better put a tie on. Paul Where did you meet him?

Penny Rheba set another plate please. Alice No mother, were going out. I thought hed better take you in easy doses. And a, mother, please dont read any of your plays to him the first time he comes. Because well, I like him, and um, Essie, I wouldnt dance for him if I were you, because, well, that might just creep him out. Kolenkhov Nonsense, dancing never creeps people out. It is an attractive art that draws people in. [under his breath] creeps people out. Alice I have to get ready, hell be here soon. And um, incidentally, the young mans name is Tony Kirby. Let me know the minute he comes. [Alice exits] Essie Tony Kirby, say thats the bosses son. Penny Really? Essie Yes and they told me theyve just made him vice president. Penny Isnt that wonderful, we could have the wedding right here in this room. Paul Now, wait a minute Penny, this is the first time hes call for the girl. Penny You called for me once. Paul I know but young people are different now a days. Essie Well, Rheba come on, we better get dinner finished. [Essie, Rheba and Kolenkhov head to the kitchen. Depinna and Paul go down to the cellar, and Penny goes to her type write. ]

Curtin Drops

Act 1 Scene 2

[Scene opens with grandpa playing his harmonic in his chair, and Penny typing on her typewriter and Essie dancing while she puts napkins on the table. Scene happens twenty minutes after the end of the last scene.] [Doorbell suddenly rings.] Essie Isnt that the doorbell? Rheba [Rheba enters from kitchen with Kolenkhov following her] Door bells ringing. Paul [Paul comes up from the cellar putting on his suit coat.] Get the doorbell somebody. Kolenkhov Want me to go? [Starts to make his way towards the door and pulls a revolver from his trousers] Penny [Comes flying down the stairs.] Never mind, I got it. Kolenkhov, put that gun away. You should be ashamed! Kolenkhov Im sorry madme, but when youve lived in Russia as long as I have, you learn that you can never, ever, be too careful. Penny Grandpa, put your feet down, Alices young man is here. Now remember what she said. Everybody be nice to him. [Family starts lining up a little ways from the door. Grandpa stays in his seat.] Grandpa Thats the first time that doorbells rung since Halloween. Penny Paul, pipe, pipe. [Paul puts his pipe in his pocket.] Penny [Penny opens the door.] Welcome to our little home. Government Guy [In a rather bored voice] How do you do? Penny Im Alices mother. Come right in. Everybodys dying to know you. [Leads him in a little ways] Now, here we are. Thats grandpa, and thats Alices father, her sister and her dancing instructor Mr. Kolenkhov and are house keeper Rheba. Let me take your hat and coat, and make yourself right at home. GG Im afraid theres been a mistake. [Reaches into pocket] Penny Hows that?

GG- My card. Penny Wilbur G. Henderson, Internal Revenue Department. Well for heavens sake. Henderson Im looking for a Martin Vanderhof. Grandpa Right here sir. Henderson Mind if I sit down. [ Hendrson grabs a chair and sits it in front of grandpa] Paul Excuse me. Ive got some work to do. Rheba I better check on dinner. Henderson Mr. Vanderhof, the government wants to talk you about a matter of income tax. Grandpa Income tax? Alice [From upstairs] Is that Toby mother? Penny No, its an internal something or another. [walks between where grandpa and Henderson are talking. Hands Henderson back his card.] Pardon me. Henderson Mr. van derhof, weve written many letters about this, but weve received no reply. Grandpa [Starts chuckling] O, thats what those letters were. Did you hear that, Penny? This is the party thats been writing me. Henderson Well, its not me, Mr. Vanderhof. You see the internal Revenue office [Door bell rings.] Rheba [ Enters from kitchen.] Its the door bell again. Paul Enters from cellar putting on his coat again.] I heard the door bell. Penny [Penny gets up from her chair.] Im on it. Paul, pipe, pipe. [Family lines up again] Penny Hello Mr. Kirby, come right in. Tony Thank you. Penny Weve been expecting you. You are Mr. Kirby arent you? Tony Oh, yes.

Penny Well thank heavens. Here he is. This is really Mr. Kirby. This is Alices Father, her grandfather, her sister Essie and our house keeper Rheba. Tony How do you do. Grandpa Wont you sit down Mr. Kirby? Penny Yes. [Penny and Essie slide a chair up for Tony to sit in. tony sits.] Alice Mother, is that Tony? Penny Yes dear. Hes lovely. Alice Ill be right down. Penny Shell be right down. Tony Well, thank you very much. [Starts to rise, but Penny gestures for him to sit back down.] Penny Well. Paul Do you play football? Tony A little, yeah. [Brief silence] Essie Gosh, youre awful young to be a vice president. Tony Well you know what that means, vice president. All I have is an office with my name on the door. [Family chuckles] Penny Is that all? Tony Well I have a secretary. A very lovely secretary too. [Chuckles again] Penny How about salary? Dont you get any salary? Tony A, a little. More than im worth, Im afraid. Henderson [to grandpa] I beg your pardon. Penny I suppose youre ready to settle down and get married now? Paul Come now, Penny. Im sure Mr. Kirby knows his own mind.

Essie You mustnt rush him mother. Penny All I meant was, hes bound to get married, and suppose the wrong girl gets him. Henderson Mr. Vanderhof, Ive got to be going. Grandpa Oh, too bad. Im soory you cant stay for dinner. Drop in again. [Puts his hand out to shake Hendersons] Henderson If you dont min Id like to settle my business before I go. Penny [to Tony] Hes selling something for the government. Grandpa [What can I do for you. Henderson Mr. Vanderhof our records show.that youve never paid an income tax. Grandpa Thats right. Henderson Why not? Grandpa I dont believe in it. [Tony lets out a quick laugh] Henderson [Shocked] You dont believe in it. [De Pinna enters from the cellar with a big firecracker in his hand.] De Pina Mr. Sycamore, I cant seam to get these to go off. Watch. [lights a match] Grandpa Not now De Pinna. Paul No, not now. Grandpas busy. Lets take it down to the cellar. [To Tony] Tony, if you excuse me please. [Paul and De Pinna exit to cellar.] Henderson Now see her Mr. Vanderhof. Whether you believe it or not, you owe the government 22 years back income taxes. Now, thats a very serious thing not filing a n income tax return. Grandpa Now, suppose I do pay you this money. Mind you, I dont say that Im going to, but just for the sake of argument. Whats the government going to do with it? Henderson What do you mean?

Grandpa What do I get for my money? For instance, if I go into a department store and buy something, well there it is; I can see it. But what are they going to give me? Henderson Well, the government gives you everything. It protects you. Grandpa From what? Henderson Well..invasion. How do you think the government will keep up the Army and Navy with all those battleships? Grandpa Battleships? We have used battleships since the Spanish American war, and what did we get out of that. Cuba. And we gave that back. Well I wouldnt mind paying for something sensible. Henderson Something sensible! What about congress and the Supreme Court and the President? We got to pay them dont we? Grandpa Not with my money, no sir. Henderson [Trying to keep himself calm] Now, now wait a minute. I didnt come here to argue with you. [Alice enters from the stairs.] Alice Hello everybody. [Crosses to Tony] Tony Hello Alice. [The two of them stand by each other holding hands.] Alice- Is everybody acquainted with everybody? Penny Yes indeed. Weve had a most delightful talk about love and marriage. Alice [To Tony] Im sorry I tried to hurry. [She tries to pull him to the door. Tony Hold on a inute here. [Points toward grandpa] Henderson Look Mr. Vanderhof, all I know is you havent paid an income tax, and youve got to pay it. Grandpa [Distracted watching Tony and Alice] Huh, what was that? Henderson I said youve got to pay it! Grandpa [Tapping the side table] Well youve got to show me.

Henderson [Starting to lose it] We dont have to show you. I just told you. Whos going to pay for all those buildings in Washington and interstate commerce? And the Constitution? Grandpa The constitution was paid for years ago. [Kolenkhov enters from kitchen rubbing his hands together.] Kolenkhov Hello everybody. Dinner is ready. Grandpa Hold on a minute Kolenkhov. [To Henderson] And as to interstate commerce..What is interstate commerce anyway? Henderson There are fourty eight states see? And without interstate commerce, nothing could go from one state to another, see? [Kolenkhov starts making his way to the exolxiphone] Grandpa Why, they got fences? Henderson- [About to blow his top.] Nooo, they havent got fences, theyve got laws. Holy smokes! I never run across anything like this before [Says as he starts walking away, and smacks his forehead with the palm of his hand. Grandpa Well, I might pay you about $75, but it isnt worth a cent more. Henderson Youll pay every cent just like anybody else. Now listen to me. [Kolenkhov starts beating on the and Essie starts dancing] Henderson Youll go to jail if you dont pay. You here that. Thats the law. If you think youre bigger than that, youve got another thing coming. Youre just the same as anybody else and the sooner you get that through your head, the better. [Fireworks start going off in the basement as well as firecrackers.] Henderson Holy Smokes [Grabs his brief case and makes a break for the door. As soon as he exits, Kolenkhov stops playing the ] Alice Uhh, my father makes fireworks in the cellar. [Paul comes up from cellar] Paul How did that sound to you? Grandpa Pretty good. Paul Thanks. [Paul exits to cellar]

Alice Well I suppose we better get going Tony. [Start making their way towards the door.] Grandpa Say, he was pretty mad wasnt he? Tony You kknow Mr. Vanderhof that could get you into a lot of trouble. Grandpa No, not me. I was only having fun with him. I dont owe the government a cent. Alice Well, were going, goodnight everybody. [Every exchanges goodnights.] Kolenkhov Ahh, where are you going out for dinner? Alice Were going to the Monte Carlo Ballet. Kolenkhov [In shocked voice] The Monte Carlo Ballet..It Stinks. Alice O, well goodnight. [Tony and Alice exit.] Rheba [Enters from kitchen, and starts ringing bell] Dinners ready. Everybody gather around. [Family starts gathering around the table chattering as they sit down to eat, making random conversation.] Kolenkhov The Monte Carlo Ballet! Sergei Diaghilev. Then you have a ballet. Grandpa [Starts hitting one of the glass with a spoon] Quite please, Quite. [All bow their heads to pray] Grandpa Well sir. Here we are again. Weve been getting on a good for a while, and were certainly much obliged. Looks like Alice is soon to get married, and I think shell be very happy, because we just met the boy you sent her and he looks fine. Remember all we ask is just to go along the way we are and keep our health and as far as anything else is concerned we leave that up to you. Thank you. [Grandpa takes his seat as the chatter starts back up. Rheba enters from kitchen with some bowls of food.] Grandpa Well Kolenkhov did you bring me any Russian stamps? Kolenkhov No, nobody write to me. Theyre all dead. [Chatter continues as the curtain closes.]