Alex Barlow Ms.

Caruso English 1103 14 October 2012 Society, Facebook, and Marriage

Barlow 1

Krystle 10/22/12 11:37 AM

Comment [1]: Reviewed by Krystle Cline

In a world full of corruption and bad influences, its becoming harder and harder to find the middle ground to stand on. Couples today are facing challenges that their grandparents would have been shunned over fifty years ago. Cheating, lying, and divorce are at all time highs in relationships and its making it tough for couples to stay loyal to each other (Borchard). As a member of todays society, most people feel the need to always be in contact with someone. Consequently, some couples can reconnect with exs or start a new relationship when they are currently in a relationship. This can cause tension and start problems in a relationship. By understanding how Facebook originated and changed, societys views on marriage, and how couples are dealing with Facebook as a whole, one can understand how Facebook is effecting couples today. Mark Zuckerberg started Facebook as a sophomore at Harvard University in February of 2004. In the beginning, his site was only available to Harvard students, but within a few months Facebook was moving its headquarters to California and making its site available to high school students across the nation. As Facebook continues to expand, it has become easier for society to stay connected and make new friends and a few enemies. (Bertolucci). Facebook introduced the Wall, which allowed users to write comments and messages for other people to view. Next, Facebook introduced the news feed which allowed users to keep a close watch on what other users were doing. In the beginning this posed many questions regarding user privacy
Krystle 10/22/12 3:10 PM
Comment [2]: I like where you are going with these two sentences. This makes me want to know more about what youre going to do with the paper. But not sure if shunned would be the best word to use here since you are talking about challenges, rather than their actions. Did you maybe mean to say stunned by?

Krystle 10/22/12 12:10 PM

Comment [3]: How so? Are you speaking in regards to our high use of technology in general today?

Krystle 10/22/12 11:44 AM

Comment [4]: How is this specific to Facebook? Is Facebook the dominate method for partners to reconnect with old flames or new ones?

Krystle 10/22/12 3:19 PM

Comment [5]: This seems to be your thesis statement. It tells me that you will discuss marriage, Facebook, and some connection between the two, but not what type of connection. I would suggest rewording this sentence and be more specific with what your goal is and what questions you will try to answer.

Barlow 2

and the intent Facebook was trying to achieve. After introducing the news feed and getting away with it, Facebook introduced Facebook chat and the Like button. However, the one addition that made Facebook so public was the introduction of the timeline. This feature allowed users to post where, who, and what was going on in their life, and allowing the public to view it. After huge privacy concerns, Facebook implemented privacy settings for its timeline and allowed users to pick and choose who is allowed to see what is posted before being published onto the timeline (Milestones). With concerns over privacy, Facebook has also made things a little too private. By allowing users to use private messages, IMs, and disclose certain information to certain people, its becoming less about what goes on in public, and more about what goes on behind the computer screen.
Krystle 10/22/12 12:02 PM
Comment [6]: Is this something that you plan to bring up later when discussing how those who cheat through Facebook can hide their activity from their spouse?

Krystle 10/22/12 12:02 PM

Comment [7]: Not sure what type of source this section is from, but remember to enter page or paragraph number if called for.

Krystle 10/22/12 3:23 PM

Comment [8]: This comment is for the paragraph as a whole and to reply to the question you posed when you uploaded. I dont think that the history of Facebook is necessarily boring, but maybe going into such detail isnt totally needed. I think that most of the audience of this paper will be pretty familiar with it and the changes and features available. My suggestion would be to scale this part back and perhaps talk more about how people are using the features in relation to your topic of marriage. For instance, explain how spouses who cheat use these features to do so. This may be something you plan to do in later paragraphs. If so, just a more condensed version of the history may work better. Also, have you considered mentioning the movie The Social Network?

***Additional Feedback*** To answer your question about needing more quotes: *At this stage of your work, you really havent gotten to a point where quotes are necessary. To answer your question about the next paragraph: *That sounds like a good way to go. At that point you would have the introductory info about Facebook and societies view on marriage. That seems like it would make it easy to combine the two in the following paragraphs and talk about how they relate. I think there would need to be some transition sentences added to the end of paragraph two to lead readers into that description.

Barlow 3 * I understand that this is an early version of your work and you will most likely revise several times. I would suggest paying attention to the flow from sentence to sentence when you revise. I think you did a good job on varying sentence structures.