Is Kramer Jerry?

Psychology's not just about manipulating Kim Jong-un, selling steroes and turkey, winning over Angelina Jolie, and becoming President. It also has branches like abnormal psychology--or the study of mental disorders. I'm very interested in mental disorders. And not just the 15 disorders that I have. After all, I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder--which is the one that makes someone think, "Me. It's all about me. Who cares about others? I'm the best. Look at me. Tell me I'm the best. Otherwise there's going to be a problem. Why the hell are you talking about So and So? Talk about me! Are you saying that you think So and So is better than me? You son of a bitch! What? So and So has a Mercedes? I want a Mercedes. No--I want a Bentley." Aside from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, another disorder I don't have is bibliomania--which is book hoarding, or "the obsessive collecting of books that are useless to the owner and have no value to a real book collector." Apparently, if you have tens of thousand of books, you have a disorder--unless the books are worth a lot of money to collectors. I resent that last part. Because my books aren't worth anything on the collector's market. If someone were to hoard a few hundred thousand copies of them, would he have a disorder? No. Hoarding my books is the mark of sanity. So as far as I'm concerned, bibliomania is "the obsessive collecting of books that aren't by Rodney Ohebsion." And sanity is "the hoarding of Rodney Ohebsion's books." (Maybe I do have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.) Bibliomania is a type of OCD, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. OCD makes people do things like hoard objects, wash their hands a lot, or perform certain rituals repetitively. As in, "I have to walk around a block three times before I enter a building." "I have to knock on that drawer before I open it." "I can't play hopscotch until I've had some vanilla ice cream." Etc. About 2% of people have OCD. You can find them in almost all walks of life. Comedian and TV personality Howie Mandel has a serious case of it. And he manages to deal with it. Same goes with many other people.

If you have OCD, there are still a lot of things you can do. There are plenty of jobs you can have. Some jobs are off limits, though. Like gangster. If you have OCD, you can't a be gangster. Or maybe you can. Let's think about this one. Imagine a gangster with OCD. He's walking around in the 'hood. He gets into a confrontation with another gangster. The other gangster says something that pisses him off. And the OCD gangster flips out. "What'd you say?! What'd you say?! That's it. I'm going to beat your ass! I'm going to beat your ass! ... Um, but before I do, can you just give a minute to spin three times, touch my ear several times, and sing 'I'm a Little Teapot?' Yeah--I got to do that before I beat your ass. I have OCD, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I can't beat your ass unless I've done those three things first. If you're willing to wait for me to do them, then I'm going to beat your ass!" I guess maybe you can be a gangster with OCD. One of the most interesting disorders I've come across is Fregoli Syndrome, or the Fregoli delusion. It makes you think that two different people are actually the same person. You become convinced that person B is actually just person A in disguise. Like if you're watching Seinfeld, you might think that Kramer is actually Jerry in disguise. "There is no Kramer. Kramer is Jerry. He's Jerry pretending to be some guy named Kramer. And he's paying rent for both of their apartments." And in real life, you might think that the cashier at your local gas station is actually your mailman in disguise. What if you have Fregoli delusion, and you think that you're the one who's someone else in disguise? "Wait a second. I'm not me. There is no me. I'm Jerry Seinfeld in disguise. Which explains why I'm so fascinated by cereal. Who is this person? Not me." Or what if you have both Fregoli delusion and Narcissistic Personality Disorder? You might look at someone else, and think that he's you in disguise. "That guy isn't that guy. He's me disguised as him. I know that son of a bitch is me in disguise. I know it. I might also be a few other people. Like Bob from

accounting. Bob from accounting isn't really Bob from accounting. He's me from accounting." Has any psychologist ever treated someone with both of those disorders? He'd tell him something like, "How is that guy you? You're you. He's him. How are you Bob from accounting? Do you even know anything about accounting?" Let's move on to bipolar disorder. It makes people have extreme moods. A bipolar person might be very high for several days, and then very low for a few weeks. What would happen if we made a bipolar person our president? One day the President would start an all out war with the Taliban. And a week later, he'd say, "You know what? Let's get out of Afghanistan. Let's just get out of everywhere. And shut down the US Mint. And our entire government. And Jim--call my lawyer. I want to divorce my wife. Actually, I won't need a lawyer for that. Just file the papers and give her everything. All of our assets. She can have it all. She can even have the Presidency. My wife is now my ex-wife, and the current President of the United States. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room for the next few days." It's a good thing I don't have bipolar disorder. I'm not the President--but I'm just as powerful and influential as he is. Which brings us to our next disorder: megalomania, which is "delusional fantasies of power or relevance." Many people have suggested that I have that one. That's because they have a mental disorder. Their disorder makes them think that I have megalomania. That's the main mental disorder. The main mark of sanity is hoarding my books, and the main mark of insanity is believing that I'm a megalomaniac. If you want to know how sane you are, Don't bother going through the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Just ask yourself, "Do I hoard Rodney Ohebsion's books?" and "Do I think Rodney Ohebsion is a megalomaniac?" My psychologist is the most insane person in the world. He's unwilling to hoard my books, and he's convinced I'm a megalomaniac. I should probably point out that my psychologist doesn't actually exist. So maybe he's right for thinking I'm insane. Whenever I see him, he thinks, "This guy's insane. He's talking to me, and I don't even exist."

I'm not even here. Nowadays, a lot of psychology comes down to this: there few hundred types of disorders, and there are psychologists who tell patients, psychologists telling patients, "Based on what you've said about yourself and what I've observed, you have this disorder. And I recommend this treatment." But some people are saying that pretty soon, patients will be diagnosed with just brain scans, blood tests, etc., and then be given the right treatment. It'll be easier than going to McDonald's--and almost as quick. "Welcome to McPsychiatrist's. Let us borrow your brain and blood for a few minutes, and we'll figure out what to put in your Happy Meal. For instance if you're moderately depressed, yoo have type O blood, and your body doesn't absorb calcium well, then we'll give you 50 grams of Prozac, 10 milligrams of zinc, 500 milligrams of Effexor, a small order of fries, and a Shrek promotional toy. All of that will equal McSanity for you." Other people think that brain scans and blood tests can't tell us that much about a person. Some people also think that psychology's system of disorders and treatments is misleading, and that it goes too far in telling us we should have normal values, ideals, emotions, thoughts, personalities, and goals. That's an idea worth looking into. Nowadays, normal people eat at McDonald's, watch American Idol, and read People Magazine and Fifty Shades of Grey. If you do all of that, you don't have a disorder. But if you don't do those things and you eat books, you're insane. I'm not so sure I'm fully on board with that system. It's OK--but I think it needs some changes. In fact, just to protest it, I'm going to stand outside a McDonald's and eat a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. And then I'll call my non-existent psychologist, and have a nice chat with him. I'll tell him, "I'm outside of a McDonald's eating Fifty Shades of Grey, and you're probably watching American Idol. Who's insane now, asshole?!"

Who's Neurotic?

For me, going to a real psychologist isn't an option. I wouldn't be able to take the potential rejection. At some point during one of those sessions, I'll think, "Wait a second. I'm paying this guy $100 an hour, and he's still not interested in what I'm saying. Am I really that boring? Even with the $100, I'm not interesting. Without the $100, I probably make people feel suicidal. You know what? Now I feel suicidal. How could I not? My $100 an hour psychologist can't even pretend that he's interested in me." I also think psychologists are too negative. They're always talking about how you have flaws, and how you you need to change. If a psychologist takes that approach with me, I'll tell him, "What--you think you're perfect? You think you're Mahatma Gandhi or something? Who the hell do you think you are to talk to me like that? You're the one who needs therapy. Not me. After all, I'm not the one who spends eight hours a day telling people how they need to change. That's what you do, you freaking lunatic. That's a clear cut sign of insanity. Here's my impression of you: 'Sit on my couch, tell me about yourself--and then I'll use my superior judgment to tell you how you should change. And I'll bill you a $100 an hour.' If that's not a mental disorder, I don't know what is." If I were to see a psychologist, I'd insist on having a positive one. One who'd say something like, "You know what? You're awesome. I wish I were more like you, and less like that piece of shit Freud. I want you to come in here every week so I can tell you how amazing you are. You're a superior human being. I especially like how you yelled at that guy with 15 items in the 12 items or less lane. The next time that happens, I want you to videotape the whole thing so I can watch it." Or at the bare minimum, I'd want psychologist who'd tell me, "Well, you get a litte too angry at times. But so what? It's OK. Don't worry about it." As opposed to some son of a bitch telling me every week, "You're this, but you should be that. You think this way, but you should think that way." What happens when a stand up comedian sees a psychologist? The comedian probably feels like he's performing. He has to turn a few things into jokes. And if he doesn't get the psychologist to laugh at least a few times per hour, he'll discuss that during his next session. [Psychologist:] "So what's on your mind?" [Comedian:] "Oh, well, I'm a little upset about our last session." [Psychologist:] "Our last session? What happened?" [Comedian:] "Well, I kind

of bombed with you. I compared my mood to Kim Kardashian's marriage--and you didn't seem very amused. And what about my Freud-and-Jung Abbottand-Costello routine? Remember? 'Who's neurotic?' 'What's the name of the guy ironing his socks?'"

Why Mel Gibson is Racist

What makes us what we are? What makes a person what he or she is? A couple of days ago, I talked about that with my neighbor in 7G. He's a psychologist. And he said, "Our environment and our experiences shape us and make us what we are. For instance, Mickey Mouse was born and raised in Disneyland--so he's all happy and shit. He's like, 'Oh--I'm all happy and shit.' Mel Gibson, on the other hand, was raised really far from Disneyland. In Australia. And he was exposed to racist ideas at a young age. So he's all like, 'Damn Jews and blacks.' And not with a Mickey Mouse voice." So according to the psychologist, that's what makes us what we are. Our environment. Our experiences. But then yesterday, I was talking to my neighbor in 4F. He's a geneticist. And he said, "We are what we are due to our natures. We're pretty much born to be a certain person, and that's it. Our environment usually doesn't do much. "Mickey Mouse wasn't even born in Disneyland. He's from New York City. But he chose to move to Disneyland. He was all like, 'I'm all happy and shit.' And he moved to Disneyland, to be around happiness and shit. "And Mel Gibson was born to be racist. When most of us were kids, we were all like, 'Daddy--can you tell me the story about The Three Little Pigs, or Goldilocks and the Three Bears?' But Mel Gibson was all like, 'Daddy--can you tell me the story about The Three Covetous Jews, or Goldilocks and the Three Black Guys Who Tried to Rape Her?' Because that's just the way he was. "Or even if he wasn't racist as a kid, he was going to become racist. There was no avoiding it. Even if he had grown up in Disneyland, he would've befriended

all the racist characters. Like maybe Cruella De Vil or something. He would've found some racists in Disneyland, hung around them, and started some sort of extremist group. And he would've gotten drunk during a Disneyland parade, and yelled, 'The Jews will never take our freedom!'" So according to the geneticist, it's all in our nature. But the thing is, both of my neighbors--the psychologist and the geneticist-make a lot of money, and they're both respected and whatever. But they have completely different views when it comes to this. And this is their specialty. So I just ultimately came to the conclusion that... Or no. Wait a second. I didn't come to any conclusion. I'll probably have to ask a third neighbor as a tiebreaker. Like Lao Tzu--my neighbor in 7G. He's a famous ancient Chinese philosopher. Maybe he can shed some light on the topic. But I'll tell you what. My other famous ancient Chinese philosopher neighbor Confucius--he lives in 3C--will probably disagree with Lao Tzu. So here's what I really learned. You can learn a lot by talking to your neighbors--but at the end of the day, there's still going to be a lot that you're not going to know. That's just the way things are.

Revising Freud
One of the best known is Freudian psychology Some of the best known ideas in psychology come from It's based on the ideas of Sigmund Freud--my neighbor in 4F. According to Freud, the mind contains three main parts: the id, ego, and superego. The id is very impulsive and selfish, and doesn't look at the big picture. It just thinks, "Now! I want it now! Mine!" The superego's much different. It's very concerned with what's proper, appropriate, ethical, etc. And then the ego is in charge of managing the id and superego. "The id wants one thing, the superego wants something else. I have to deal with that and strike a compromise."

The thing is, my mind doesn't work that way. I don't have an id, ego, and superego. Here's the way my mind works. It's like a TV network. It has programs, a TV audience, and a network executive. Those are the three parts. My thoughts are like the network's programs. For instance, a few days ago during lunch, I thought about how earlier that day, I waited in a bank line for 17 minutes. That was the thought, or the network's program. The 17 minute wait in a bank line. And then my TV audience watched that program and said, "What is this? This is garbage! Bank line? Why the hell would we watch this?" And then my network executive said, "What is this shit! No one's watching this! Our ratings are in the toilet!" And then he got on the phone, called someone up, and told him, "Who the hell greenlit this? No one wants to watch a show about some guy waiting in line at a bank for 17 minutes! You know what? Make a list of everyone involved in this show. And then fire all of them. I'll make sure they never work in this town again! Those sons of bitches!" And then my network executive replaced the bank line thoughts with a new Kelsey Grammer sitcom. So that's how my mind works. There's no id, ego, or superego. I think Freud needs to revise his book. I'll pay him a visit later and let him know. I'll also tell him to stop letting cocaine dealers into our building.

Hot Sauce Psychology

According to most psychologists, people have a major desire for at least some sort of approval. That's a major part of who we are, and a major theme in our lives. Like others, I sometimes come across people with personalities I don't like. And when that happens, When I come across someone with a personality I don't like, it occasionally makes me really realize how people have a similar attitude towards me. I think, "You see that guy right there? I find him really annoying and unpleasant. And the way I feel about him is a lot like the way

plenty of people feel about me. And some people dislike me even more than that. If I were to get to know all of the world's seven billion people, hundreds of millions of them would hate me. Hundreds of millions of rejections of who I am. Let me imagine all of them at once. They're thinking, 'Ughh. I can't stand this son of a bitch, He's so annoying.' Hundreds of millions of people would have that attitude towards me if they knew me. What should I do? Should I change? Should I blow my brains out? I'm not sure." Even if you change, it probably won't matter. Because even though some people will go from finding you intolerable to tolerable, others will go in the opposite direction. They were fine with the previous you, but they can't stand the new one. So whatever you do, some people aren't going to go for who you are. I guess that's just part of being a human being. I still kind of want to blow my brains out. On the other hand, when you think about it, even when you hate someone, there are certain things about him that you might like. So I guess I don't have to kill myself. Even though a few hundred million people can't stand me. Aside from wanting approval, another drive most of us have is the drive to feel like a good person. In our quest to be a good person, some of us focus on being a good friend, husband, wife, father, mother, son, daughter, sister, brother, coworker, neighbor, etc. But I'm such a good person that I go beyond that. I also try to be a good stranger. In fact, that's the main one for me. I want people to say, "You know what? That guy's a good stranger. I couldn't ask for more out of a stranger. He's probably one of the best strangers I've every come across in my life." On my tombstone, I want it to mention that--and only that. "Rodney Ohebsion. Birth Year-Death Year. Stranger." Aside from wanting approval and wanting to feel like a good person, another related, strong drive we have is a drive to feel superior to others. According to many psychologists, a lot of what we do and what we are is rooted in that. We want to be extraordinary--to stand out for something. Sometimes it hardly

matters what that something is. We just want to stand out. We'll settle for just about anything. No matter how ridiculous it is. In my own case, it's my ability to eat spicy foods. I can eat half a bottle of hot sauce and hardly even feel it. And I'm very eager to let people know about that. It's something I think about a lot. I'm just waiting for the day when some people I know are all eating, and there's a bottle of hot sauce on the table. And everyone puts a little on their food. And no one can take more than a few drops. And they're all saying, "This sauce is freaking hot! Holy crap! It's too hot. One drop is enough. A few drops are more than enough. We can't eat any more hot sauce. No one can eat any more hot sauce." And then I enter the scene, like some sort of superhero. "I'll save the day!" And I take a bottle of hot sauce, and put a quarter of it on my dish. And everyone there thinks, "Rodney's out of his mind. He doesn't know what he's in for. I can't wait to see the expression on his face when he tries eating his food with all of that hot sauce on it. I can't wait to see him burning his mouth, and rushing for a gallon of water. I can't wait to see him trying to spoon all of that hot sauce off of his food so he can finish it. Maybe he won't be able to get it off at all. And he'll have to throw the food away." So they're very looking forward to that. And then I eat a little of my hot sauce drenched food. And I pretend it's too hot for me. As if to say, "This is crazy. I can't take this. What was I thinking? What was I thinking by putting all that hot sauce on my food? I thought I was a superhero. But I guess I'm not. I won't be able to save the day." I do that in order to put on a grand production, and set the stage for my feature performance. And then, without saying anything else, I take the rest of the hot sauce, pour it on my food, and start eating it as if it's nothing. And then everyone's all like, "This guy is freaking crazy! I can't believe it. He went through all of that hot sauce like it was water!" And then they let everyone know about my hot sauce superhero ability. And of course, Jack Nicholson finds out about it. And he calls me up and says, "I heard about the hot sauce. You want to hang out?" And I say yeah. And we hang out, and he introduces me to Angelina Jolie. And she says, "You know

what? I want you. Not Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt is OK--but I prefer you. After all, Brad can't eat as much hot sauce as you can. You own me. And you can see other women on the side, too. It's OK. I'll give you permission." So that's what I think about four or five times a day. Hot sauce, Jack Nicholson, Angelina Jolie, etc. But every once in a while, I think about how I think about that. And then I think, "What the hell is wrong with me? Hot sauce?" That's a very humbling thought. It's like a meditative practice. You think to yourself, "I'm the hot sauce guy. Five times a day I think about how I want others to notice I can eat spicy foods. That's me. That's a deep chunk of who I am." Again, there's a part of us that's really into feeling superior and extraordinary. Sometimes it's really annoying. Sometimes I confront it. I say, "Can you just stop for a second? I'm trying to watch a cartoon--and you want me to point out how watching this cartoon makes me superior to others. You want me to think, 'I watch Road Runner Coyote cartoons. That makes me better than people who watch Power Rangers.' Why do you have to make it about that? I just want to watch a cartoon. I just want to watch a cartoon without making it part of a quest to feel superior. Leave me alone." But most of the time, I'm on my quest to feel superior. And I'll use anything-whether it's tabasco sauce or Looney Tunes. And Id dont wait for people to use hot sauce. I go out there and let them know I'm superior.