VOLUME ONE

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME! Somehow or other, it came just the same!

Dr Seuss

12 . 2 7 . 1 2

ISSUE TWELVE

Police Locomotive | 7 Day Live Music Guide | Christmas Dodges Bullet

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1st Word
Himmel, Ink

Get out of jail, free!

Our in-house Jew denies the War-on-Christmas.

STAFF / CONTACT Publisher/Editor-in-Chief Mike Reynolds Director of Distribution Chase Cochran Art Director Kayla Wallace Sales Reps Chant Mazy Editorial: news@txcitizen.com Advertising: sales@txcitizen.com Distribution: distribution@txcitizen.com

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First of all, I want to thank New Braunfels Police Chief Tom Wibert for putting me on his Christmas card list. Its an especially nice gesture considering the wringer weve put him through, in this very column, over the last year. The tank, the tear gas, the tow-

MIKE the bat: A free pass for every get pulled over REYNOLDS time IBraunfels cop. by a New
I carry it with me everywhere now. Any time I find myself about to pay the price for a lapse in good judgment, Im just going to whip it out and show the attending officer that Tom and I are tight, and assure them that they can go back to arresting real, inner-tube-floating-in/beerand-soda-can-drinking-from/potato-chipbag-eating-out-of criminals while I finish my gas station robbery. Or whatever. So far I havent had the opportunity to test the pass, but, lets face it, sooner or later Im going to punch a Golden Tee machine and itll come in handy as heck. \m/ Mike Reynolds Publisher/Editor-in-Chief

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There is not, and Never Has Been, a War on Christmas

HIMMEL, INK.
by Dad because we were fighting like brothers do. Then wed head to Moms parents house for an afternoon with my grandparents, four aunts, uncles and seven cousins. I remember cold cuts for lunch. Dinner was at Dads parents house. We would have more presents with two aunts, uncles and four cousins. I remember brisket for dinner. It was a wonderful, wonderful day filled with laughter, food and presents. Some would categorize my childhood Christmases as being too commercialized. And theyd be wrong. Yes. We gave and got presents. But we hugged and kissed and enjoyed our family. And thats important to do on Christmas. There was no religion at all during the day. But I always knew that Christmas was the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, who many considered to be the Son of God and the Messiahincluding one full side of my family. I always knew, even as a Jewish kid playing the Nintendo game Santa gave me, that if it werent for Jesus, there would be no Christmas. And that would mean no Mike Tysons Punch Out. Everyone knows that Jesus is the reason for the season. Amazon.coms CEO is a guy named Jeff Bezos. Hes not a Jew, not a Muslim and most likely went to church to pray to, and about, Jesus. I bet he knows that if Jesus wasnt around, his company would not be the success it is today. Thank you, Jesus, he might even say every Black Friday. Calling a pine tree decorated with lights and ornaments a holiday tree is ridiculous. Its a Christmas tree. Its origins are German. The first of these trees were set up in the town squares where men and women would meet to dance and probably hook up, then set the tree on fire. So, if you want to talk about sticking with traditions, lets head to Rockefeller Center to get laid and burn things. Santa Claus is not the bad guy. I believe in Santathe spirit of what he stands for anyway. Just like I believe in many of the teachings of Jesus. But I also believe in the teachings of my grandfather Pete McGreehin, a Christian who

America is becoming more secular. But the religious are fighting tooth and nail for what they think is their rightful place at the top of the American heap. For years they have been claiming theres a war on Christmas and that non-believers are trying to take the religion out of CHRISTmas, as many of them write it. But there is no war. There never was a war on Christmas. When I was a kid, I looked forward to Christmas all year long. Though I was raised a reformed Jew, Christmas was where it was at. The songs, the decorations, the parties, the presents. My mother converted to Judaism, so her side of the family was Christian and obviously celebrated Christmas as most families do, with a tree, presents and a big gathering. My father, though Jewish, also celebrated Christmas with a tree, presents and a big gathering. His mother loved the season for the same reasons most of us do. Its pretty, she told me when I asked why they did Christmas in a Jewish household. I would go to get a tree and give the man one dollar. Id take whatever tree hed give me for that dollar. Usually, it was missing an entire side, but what did it matter? We put it in the corner anyway. I loved how pretty everything was and how happy people were. Christmastime is just so much fun! We had a Christmas tree in our house. We decorated it as a family. We had lots of ornaments. Each year, my brothers and I would get a new one to add to the tree. Christmas morning, wed run downstairs and tear open the gifts from Santa Claus. Wed check to see that he ate all the snacks we put out for him and the reindeer. Mom would make a big breakfast. Wed get dressed, play with our new toys and get one of the toys taken away TXCITIZEN.COM

was born of Israeli decent and grew up getting teased and picked on by kids who called him a no-good, filthy, rotten Jew. I just laughed at them. They didnt know the difference between a religion and a nationality. Theyd call me a no-good, filthy, rotten Jew then get on their knees to pray to one. Ha! No one is trying to make Jesus to go away. No matter how secular this country becomes, believers still attended midnight mass on Christmas Eve. Even an atheist has to recognize that Christmas is only a result of Jesus Christ. This war, its all in your heads. Many doth protest too much, me thinks. What is it that Jesus said in Matt, chapter seven? Something about not pointing blame or faulting others without recalling your own faults and the blame that may belong to you. I think He was saying, Dont show your ass and start trouble. No, there is no war on Christmas. Enjoy the peace time. Jesus would. Hed also say thank you for the gift you got Him from Amazon. I bet hed even help me decorate my treeeven if His goal was to convert me to Christianity.

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FLASHBACK INTERVIEW: Dave Jorgenson has never eaten dog. Probably.

Back in September, Mike Reynolds had the Austin, for a long time. I moved here in 1997, pleasure of sitting down with Dave Jorgenson and Ive been playing ever since. before his gig at Tavern in the Gruene, and Mike: You live in New Braunfels now? the ensuing interview took an immediate turn Dave: I live in Kyle. that qualified it as First Word material. We Mike: So youre Austin adjacent. think its good enough to rerun. Enjoy. Dave: Yeah. I like to be close to Austin, Mike Reynolds: Where you from? but not in Austin. I like Kyle, its a small Dave Jorgenson: Im from Kansas. town. I grew up in a small town. So it makes Mike: Really? What part? me feel like Im home more, not in the city. I Dave: North, north eastern. Like around lived in Austin for a while, and I needed to Topeka and Lawrence. get out of there. Mike: You ever been to Cawker City to Mike: So what have you been doing? see the Worlds Largest Ball of Twine? Oh You play just around here? man, its so cool. Dave: Ill play pretty much whereever Dave: No, I never have. I should go there, someone calls me up to. I went to China in though. I did see the Worlds Biggest Swimming 2008 to play. I went to Australia that year, Pool in Coffeyville. Well, they said it was, they too. Im going to Spain to play next month. were probably screwing with me, though. So, I go play anywhere. Mike: Been to the Worlds Largest Mike: How does a country music guy McDonalds on the Will Rogers Turnpike? get booked into going to play in Spain and Dave: No, but Id like to go there. China? I mean, China? Really? China? How Mike: Its pretty alright, except when you do you get booked into going to China? get inside, its a McDonalds. So what brought Dave: Its crazy. People, they go to the you to Texas, then? website. I get a lot of hits on the website, Dave: To play music. Its supposed to be and theyll call me up. Actually, I represented the live music capital of the world - well, Austin Houston, they were sister cities, and they just is. It was either here or Nashville. At the time picked us out of a bunch of people, I guess. when I moved, a couple of guys in the band, They gave me a call, and I got picked to the girls we were dating, their jobs could do that. That was really cool. We were like transfer down here. So we were like, Lets royalty over there. It was a bunch of acts from go down there. I played in the area, around all over the world. Like, they had Aborigines 6 from Australia. There were opera singers from Russia, dancers from Greece. Mike: Youre a cultural oddity to them. Like a two-headed calf. Dave: Well, they made sure we wore our cowboy hats. We had to have cowboy hats. They wanted the yee-haw and all of that. But, hey, it was a free trip to China! We did two shows, and played a total of six songs, the whole time, that was it. Mike: Did you eat dog? Dave: Not that Im aware of. I hope I didnt. I did go to some pretty scary restaurants, though. The last day I was there, they had taken us to all these nice places, we had our own guide and our own bus that took us around and everything. The last day we were there, we could do anything we wanted to do. So I told her I wanted her to take me to, like, her little hamburger joint in my hometown, you know, where she would go. So, she took us to this place, and it was pretty scary. Walking in, there were all kinds of cages with like dogs and cats and snakes and everything you could think of around the bottom of this place. We went up there and ate. It was a trip. I tried to approach it open-minded. Before I went, I said, I dont know what Ill be eating half the time, but Im going to try it. There were only a couple of things I didnt try. I could tell what they were. I was like, Naw. Nope. Not gonna do it. I didnt want to offend anybody, but no. It was cool, though, it was. Mike: Whats the vile thing youve eaten while out of the country? Dave: Probably, uh, what is that meat pie or whatever down in Australia? Mike: Vegemite? Dave: Yeah. Mike: Oh, Vegemites horrible. What is that? Its like rancid meat. Like peanut butter thats been left out too long. Dave: Yeah, its bad. Its like rotten hamburger in a potpie. Its funny, when I went over there, the people I stayed with, I told them I wanted to try some Vegemite. And they told me, No, you dont. And I was like yeah I do, Im over here, I want to try it. They were right. I didnt want to try it. Mike: What kind of crimes have you been a victim of while on tour? Dave: You know, nothing really. Everywhere Ive gone, everybodys been really nice. Especially China. They rolled out the red carpet over there. Mike: Well, of course they rolled out the RED carpet. Dave: Exactly. But it was kind of cool being at the beer joint and having people watch you. Theyd stand up there and watch you. They had them on the street corners, they were everywhere. TX CITIZEN

Mike: What do the next six months look like for you? Dave: For the last year and a half, Ive been playing with a band out of Austin pretty regularly. I got to where I wasnt playing a whole lot on my own, and I kind of backed off. Theyve been playing in Austin since 1976, theyre called Peoples Choice. Its mostly cover stuff. They play almost every weekend. Their singer got really ill, and eventually passed away with cancer. So I went in and started helping them out. And it turned out, I do about 90 percent of their shows now and about 10 percent of mine. I still like to play at least four or five shows a month of my own. Theres like four or five places that I still play at a lot. I play here at Tavern In the Gruene a lot. I play at Bos Barn in Salado. I play the Thirsty Horse in San Antonio quite a bit. And the Stetson Bar and a place called The Stockyards, both in San Antonio. Those are the ones I keep regularly, but, like I said, its just whoever calls. Ill go play whereever. It dont bother me any. Mike: Whats communist beer like? Dave: It was pretty good. Tsingtao. If you get a chance, try it. Tsingtao, not Chingao. Thats something totally different. Mike: You got records? A website? Dave: You can always see where Im playing at the website, davejorgenson.com. I have two albums. The first ones called Then & Now. I made it quite a while ago. Most people like that one more than the other one it seems like. And I think its because they heard it first. Like, anybody who knows me from the first one, they love it, and then theyre like, I dont know about the second one. And anyone whos got the second one first is like, Oh, that old albums no good. Mike: If you listen to the White Album first, then go pick up Rubber Soul, youre not going to be happy with The Beatles Dave: People evolve, you know, what they do. I like to think thats a good thing. When I did my first one, I didnt know what I was doing, and I learned a lot. I knew more of what I wanted to do on the second one, so I believe the second one is a little bit more like me, but I think theyre both good. Theyre all my own songs. I didnt use any song writers on them. I had all these songs I was sitting on, and I was going to pay to make an album, I didnt want to do somebody elses junk, you know. I might as well get my own stuff done. TXCITIZEN.COM

And in hind sight, I think people want to hear something they recognize. When Im doing a show, and I tell people Im going to do one of my own songs before I do it, nobody gets up, they look at me like they dont know what the hells going to go on. But if I just do a song, the whole dance floors full, people are having a good time, and they dont even know. Then, after Im done, Ill tell them that that was a song off my album, theyre over here for sale, and its different. Oh, and my second albums called We Have a Winner, I forgot about that one. Mike: Do you play all the instruments? Dave: I play acoustic and I sing. Ive messed around with other instruments, but thats what I do when I play. I almost always have a guitar player, a bass player, a drummer and a steel player with me when I play. On occasion Ill get someone else, like a keyboard or a fiddle, but pretty much always have my five-piece. Mike: Does your guitar have a name? Dave: No, not really, but its been all over the world. It looks like its been beat to hell. The guitar that I made the leather pick guard for got stolen. (Dave is also a leather worker, and made a pick guard and shoulder strap for his guitar.) Ive been to China and everywhere, and everything was fine, but I got ripped off in South Austin. And it makes me sick, because I put a lot of work into that thing. But, I did make the strap for this one, my Tak (Takamine). This guitar that I use all the time, I bought it in 1992 when I first started playing. Its got a hole in it where I play it. Its kind of cool. Mike: Youre rockin a pretty sweet mic and stand. Dave: I had a friend of mine make the mic stand for me. I have barbed wire in my little logo, and I told him I wanted a big, gigantic piece of barbed wire for a mic stand. At first, it was just metal, and I was like, Thats not nearly white trash enough, I want it to be chromed. So, I took it down the road from where I work at and had them put some chrome on it. The feet are actually railroad spikes. I used to have an old-time microphone, and I tried, unsuccessfully, to put LEDs in it to make it light up. Im not very good at that, I guess. So, I was just looking online at cool mics, and I found this one.

I wanted to get it, even though I thought it would probably sound awful, but it actually sounds really good. Its made by a pretty reputable company. Its a Heil Fin. They had blue and red and white, so I got the white one. I thought I could play in a beer joint with it, but also play a wedding, and it would look good. Im not so sure red would look so good at a wedding. Mike: Kiss has Beth. Bon Jovi has Wanted Dead or Alive. Bob Segers got Turn the Page. Clearly the rigors of touring turns some musicians into whiney babies. Do you have a road song? Dave: No, but I have a song about my job, (Rat Race on the album We Have a Winner). Honestly, Id love to be on the road. For a while, six or seven years, when we first started playing when I was in Kansas, we used to play a lot like in Wyoming, Nebraska and New Mexico. We traveled a lot. And thats what Id really love to do. Mike: You ever been to Douglas, Wyoming? Home of the Jackalope? Dave: I dont think so. But Ive played in Rock Springs, Wyoming, the Home of 10,000 Nationalities, at least thats what it says on the sign going into town. It was crazy. That place was a little scary, playing up there, but a lot of fun. Good times. Mike: What else you up to? Dave: Id like to get another album going in the near future. Ive got a ton of songs Ive done. Im thinking about recording it in a different way than my other two, so Im kind of taking my time on that, looking around for a place to do it. I want to do a little bit more of what I want to do. Not that the other two werent done well. But, I cant put one of my albums in and listen and not cringe when I hear certain things. My goal would to be able to listen to my album, the whole thing through, and think that its all good, not have to cringe at all. Nobody else hears it, its just me. Mike: Whats your favorite beer? Dave: I drink a lot of Dos Equis. Im not really much of a beer guy. I drink Southern Comfort pretty religiously. Mike: And were on the record that you did not eat dog, to the best of your knowledge? Dave: No, I did not. And I dont condone it. I wouldnt have done it if I would have known I was doing it. But, over there, you just kind of go with the flow.

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CITIZEN SOUNDCHECK
Thu 12.27
Adobe Verde
Garrett Heinrichs 8pm Rock & Roll Sing Along Piano Bar Show 9pm Mario Flores & The Soda Creek Band 8pm Blues Buzzards 9pm

Uptown Piano Bar

Ashley Stone 8pm

Tavern in the Gruene

Monty Guitar Tyler 8pm

Oma Gruenes Secret Garten

Lesti Huff 1pm Backwater Boulevard 6pm

Fri 12.28
Adobe Verde
Colt Landon Baker 8pm Rock & Roll Sing Along Piano Bar Show 9pm Matt Begley 9pm

Triple Crown

AJs Ale House

Billys Ice House

AJs Ale House

Joel Hofmann Band 6pm Are You Crazy?, Those Nights, T-Bone & The Bluetones, Ghosts of Dixie 9pm, $5 Barry Adams 8pm

Phoenix Saloon

End of Year Rockabilly Dance Party The Georges 8pm, $5 Amanda Jo Cevallos 9pm Kyle Reed Band w/ Hunter McKithan & The Offenders 9pm TBA 9pm

Uptown Piano Bar Vino en Verde

Rileys Tavern

Black Whale Pub Cheatham Street Warehouse

Dry River religion 9:30pm

Billys Ice House Black & Tan Pub

River Road Ice House

Marty & the Must Haves 8pm

Vlad the Impaler, Dealan Lloyd Boules 8pm TBA 9pm

Sat 12.29
Adobe Verde
Brandon Bolin 8pm

Tavern in the Gruene Triple Crown

Gruene Hall

Black Whale Pub Cheatham Street Warehouse

Jordan Minor & Friends 9pm

John Arthur Martinez 1pm Cody Canada & The Departed 8pm, $20 Jam Night w/ The Kinfolk 6pm Junior Nash 9pm

AJs Ale House

Izzy Cox, The Death Dodgers, AC & The Bad Billys, The Flametrick Subs 8pm, $5 John Maclean 8pm Isis the Voice 9pm

Oma Gruenes Secret Garten On The Half Shell Oyster Bar Phoenix Saloon
Lucas Taylor 5pm

Gruene Hall

Rock & Roll Sing Along Piano Bar Show 9pm The Crooks 8pm

Uptown Piano Bar Vino en Verde

Bo Porter Trio 1pm Reckless Kelly w/ William Clark Green 8pm, $22 Peppers Blues 6pm 3 Man Front 9pm

Billys Ice House Black & Tan Pub

Oma Gruenes Secret Garten On The Half Shell Oyster Bar Phoenix Saloon Rileys Tavern

Marty & the Must Haves 8pm T-Bone & The Blue Tones 9pm Adam Johnson Band 9pm Flat Top Jones 1pm Roger Creager w/ Jason Cassidy 9pm, $25 Jackson Parton 8pm

Sun 12.30
Adobe Verde
Arielle Nicole 8pm

Black Whale Pub

Rileys Tavern
Peppers Blues 9pm

Cheatham Street Warehouse Gruene Hall

Gruene Hall

River Road Ice House

Big Red Drum Showcase 8pm Scott Wiggins 8pm

Tavern in the Gruene Triple Crown

Steven Vee & Kori Free & Friends 5pm Ratliff Dean Thiebaud 9pm The Damn Quails w/ Horseshoes & Hand Grenades 8pm

Seth Walker w/ The Peterson Brothers 12pm Casey Donahew Band 8pm, $20 Kim Meeks & Her Bad Habits 2pm The Al Barlow Show 2pm TBA 7pm

Oma Gruenes Secret Garten Phoenix Saloon

Erickson 6pm Carlton Pride & Mighty Zion 8:30pm, $5

River Road Ice House

The Happy Cow

TX CITIZEN

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

SOUND TOWN
OUT OF
Fri 12.28
Antones
Cowboy Mouth w/ The Preservation, Miggs 8pm, $15-$100

Mon 12.31
Billys Ice House
Wes Nickson 8pm

Triple Crown

Peppers Blues 6pm Lesser Antilles, Chasca, Buzz n Bangs 10pm, $5 Matt Pfannstiel 9pm

Sat 12.29
Antones
Hayes Carll w/ Corb Lund, John Evans 8pm, $20-$160

Black & Tan Pub

Steven Roloff 8pm

Vino en Verde

The Continental Club

Club Lineup: The Blues Specialists, 6:30pm Two Tons of Steel, 10pm, $10 Two Hoots & a Holler, 12am Gallery Lineup: The Robert Kraft Trio, 8:30pm The Mike Flanigin Trio, 10:30pm, $5

The Continental Club

Club Lineup: Redd Volkart, 3:30pm Jones Family Singers, 9:30pm, $15 The Relatives, 11pm Peterson Brothers Band, 12:30am Gallery Lineup: Scarlett Olson, 8:30pm The Mike Flanigin Trio, 10:30, $5

Black Whale Pub

TBA 8pm

Tues 1.1
Billys Ice House
Steven Roloff & Kyle Reed 8:00pm First Tuesday Blues Jam 9pm

Cheatham Street Warehouse

New Years Eve Party Pot Luck Supper Doctor G & The Mudcats 9pm

Cheatham Street Warehouse Gruene Hall

Gruene Hall
Danny Brooks Band 1pm Stoney LaRue w/ Brandon Jenkins 8pm, $65

Floores Country Store

Bob Schneider & Whiskey Myers 8pm, $20

South Austin Moonlighters 12pm Walt Wilkins & the Mystiqueros 4pm Guy Forsyth 8pm Manzy Lowry 9pm

Floores Country Store

Jason Boland & The Dirty River Boys 8pm, $20

Red Eyed Fly

Federation of Horsepower w/ Chris Gates & Gatesville, The Heroine, ESE 9:30pm, Outside

Red Eyed Fly

Peter Reed & the Back Road Kings w/ Hey, Girl 9pm, Inside Holy Ka-Kow w/ Pocari Shred, Descendants of Erdrick, Deserts of Mars, Ethereal Architect 8:30pm, Outside

The Happy Cow

Hill Country Gentlemen 8pm

Rileys Tavern Tavern in the Gruene

Phoenix Saloon
Big New Years Eve Extravaganza Javi Garcia 8pm

Sams Burger Joint

Band of Heathens w/ Drew Kennedy 8pm, $15

Rileys Tavern
The Beaumonts w/ Shakey Jake 9pm

Roots & Branches of Americana 7pm The Blooms 9:30pm

Cheatham Street Warehouse

Kent Finlays Songwriters Circle 9:30pm Bo Porter 1pm The Georges 6pm

Wed 1.2

Stetson Bar
Texas Thunder 9:30pm

Sams Burger Joint

Del Castillo w/ Ruben V 8pm, $20

River Road Ice House

Kyle Reed Band 8pm

Thirsty Horse Saloon

Small Town Habit 8pm

Stetson Bar
Chris Saucedo & New Age Outlawz 9:30pm

Gruene Hall

Tavern in the Gruene

Midnight River Choir 8pm

Stubbs BBQ
Black Bone Child w/ Megabig 9pm, Inside, $8

Rileys Tavern
Tyler Cannon 9pm

Texas Music Theater

Ray Wylie Hubbard w/ Uncle Lucius 8pm, $40 for Reserved Seating

Uptown Piano Bar

John Maclean 8pm

Thirsty Horse Saloon

Nick Lawrence Band 8pm

TXCITIZEN.COM

MOST WANTED
-A RR ES TE D ARMENDARIZ, MARISSA NATALIA
Female 502 185 lbs DOB: 04/21/1994 CHARGE: Credit card or debit card abuse Male 511 190 lbs DOB: 03/29/1975 CHARGE: Motion to revoke for theft of property over $1500 under $20,000

COMAL COUNTYS

ASK A MEXICAN!
SPECIAL YEAR-END EDITION
By Gustavo Arellano Dear Hoser: You say youre not

HODGES, DOUGLAS

BENDER, MEDINA, ANTONIO PEREZ JR SHERI MICHELLE

Female 504 180 lbs DOB: 10/22/1976 CHARGE: Failure to appear for motion to revoke for theft of firearm Male 510 135 lbs DOB: 01/06/1993 CHARGE: Theft of property over $1500 under $20,000

DEVINE, WAYNE LELAND

Male 510 145 lbs DOB: 01/13/1955 CHARGE: Driving while intoxicated 3rd or more

MORALES, MARCOS RIVAS

Male 508 170 lbs DOB: 01/22/1962 CHARGE: Theft of property under $1500 with two or more previous convictions

GARCIA, ESTELLA GUADALUPE

Female 502 170 lbs DOB: 07/02/1990 CHARGE: Credit card or debit card abuse

MARTINEZ, BENITO III

Male 510 270 lbs DOB: 01/10/1984 CHARGE: Motion to revoke probation for burglary of habitation

GONZALES, FLORENTINO RICHARD

NINES, DEBORAH LYNN

Female 507 180 lbs DOB: 02/25/1965 CHARGE: Burglary of habitation

Male 509 160 lbs DOB: 05/03/1952 CHARGE: Four counts of indecency with a child and four counts of aggravated sexual assault of a child

$200 REWARD
10

FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO THE ARREST OF COMAL COUNTYS MOST WANTED. Callers will remain anonymous.

830.620.3400 - 24-Hour 830.620.3411 - Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm

The names listed have been released in accordance with the Texas Public Information Act Code 552.001 st.seq.annotated Public Record and Information disclosure statues. This is a true and accurate account as of Monday, December 17, 2012 at 11:00 am and may not be current by the time it is read. Do not try to apprehend anyone. For anonymous tips and rewards, please contact Crime Stoppers at: 24-Hour Phone number 830.620.3400; Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm 830.620.3411. These are listings of criminal warrants with the Sheriffs Office and are not indicative of guilt or innocence. Officers are to verify the status of each warrant prior to making an arrest. Any person is innocent of wrongdoing unless proven guilty in a court of law.

Dear Mexican: Long time reader, first time writer. I need some advice. My wife, (whos a half-Mexican L.A. native, just so you dont think were a couple of white hipster dickheads), and myself, (whos white, but an immigrant, so I hope that lowers my dickhead factor a little), have had it up to our orejas with our Hispanic neighbors music. He plays it so loud, being in our living room is like being in a bass bin filled with tubas. I have asked him directly (at 11 p.m. on a Sunday) to turn it down, which he did, but now every time he sees us come home, he either starts it up, or cranks it up if its already playing. The thing is, hes not having a fiesta. Ever. Hes a sad little man sitting all alone in his garage, getting drunk and scrolling through his iTunes. I dont want to hate this sad, little man, but its getting out of hand. Our Mexican friend informed us that the music he was playing was El Salvadorian, and really ghetto. Im not sure of the genre or origin myself, but it sounds like banda and cumbia made with a cheap Casio, packaged with low-res artwork and possibly sold at truck stops. See how depressing this is getting? If I were to blare the traditional music of my homeland at earsplitting volume every night, people would be burning effigies of Rush on my doorstep without blinking an eye. I dont want or need silence. I love music. Im a musician myself. I just want to be able to have a drink and a smoke with my wife in our yard without having to yell over top of his music. Can you suggest a good approach to get him to turn it down? Call the cops? Id rather not. Fight fire with fire? I have access to a PA system that could bury the whole block, but Im not that guy. Hes that guy. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Not that guy

a pendejo hipster, but then you prove yourself otherwise. Trotting out your halfMexi wife as proof that youre not racist is the first indicator, (dont you know that Mexicans are the biggest racists against Mexicans?), then you say your tormenter listens to El Salvadorian music, a genre that must exist alongside Britishtarian at your local record store. Despite being a musician, you cant distinguish between banda and cumbia, even though the former is a genre while the latter is a rhythm, and then speculate that the music is pirateraas if thats somehow shameful. Then you top it off by name-dropping Rush pinche pendejo gentrifying hipster! Despite all these sins, I do feel for you. Your vecino is a pendejo, especially after youve asked him politely before to turn the volume down and he now cranks it up as a chinga tu madre to ustedes. Calling the cops is a waste of everyones tiempo, and Im tempted to tell you to learn how to conduct conversations at ear-splitting volumes like any good Mexican (ask your wife). But, still: you asked nicely, and the neighbors a jerk. So do what any Mexican once spurned would do: call la migra.

Dear Readers: As usual, gracias again for a wonderful 2012. Without your eternal love, hate, and purchases of my books, Id be just another Mexican working in an industry thats going the way of the Olmecs. Feliz Ao Year, and to a chingn 2013!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @ gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!
TX CITIZEN

Uncle Esel, My kids think you look a little like Saint Nicholas. While they are still young, theyve kind of figured out that the mall Santa may not be the real thing. Being smart little buggers, they also figured out that the mail to Santa may not be what mom originally sold it to be, so they asked me to ask you what happens to all the letters to Santa that get mailed each year? Thanks, Staci

UNCLE ESEL

ADVICE FROM

nickname will remain the Rebels and the school song is still, ahemmm Dixie. So now, in addition to banning God, they have decided to no longer honor those old turncoats that once dared to secede from the union and fight the North. R.I.P old flag, R.I.P.

Uncle Esel, I got some presents from family that I will never use. I got a few gift sets with soaps and bath stuff in it as well as a food basket with little boxes of crackers and little tins of meats that I will never eat. I hate to throw them Dear Staci, away so I wanted to ask you what you Well, though my German ancestors thought I should do with this stuff? hijacked Saint Nick and made him their own, Thanks, Nicholas was actually a Greek so I dont think Joey
we would count him in our ancestral lineage. So each year tens of thousands of letters get sent to Santa in American mailboxes. For some time a few have actually been used as part of a project in around 20 cities where local charities find opportunities to serve under-privileged kids. Sadly though, most of the letters take the route of requests for records at City Hall; set aside and ignored until Christmas is forgotten and then put in the round file where they will eventually be collected and taken to a landfill. Of course the mail still gets handled and that costs the USPS money, and with the economic condition of the USPS, it wouldnt be a surprise to see someone get around to blaming the kids for the demise of weekend mail delivery one day. There is an actual Santa Claus House in Alaska that will mail letters to kids. A very basic form letter starts at around ten dollars and packages then run into the fifty-dollar range. Bah humbug. Love, K AN UNCLE ESEL UPDATE: Some months ago Uncle Esel mentioned the controversy around school mascots and nicknames. In the column the controversy in Nearby Hays High School was highlighted and this past week, Hays ISD went and did it. In a moment of utter political correctness, the Rebel flag was nixed, even though the TXCITIZEN.COM Dear Joey, You have a few options for food products. Local food banks are always looking for donations for those less fortunate who need help with a few meals. You can also donate non-food products to a thrift store. Uncle Esel recommends non-profit thrifts that are local in nature and not just dropping it off at Goodwill. In the old German tradition, (hey, I didnt say cheapskate), you can recycle a gift, or as we more commonly call it, re-gift it. Uncle Esel has a few friends who for years as a gag would re-gift an old cable TV box every time they visited each other. Uncle Esel read about two brothers-in-law who traded a pair of pants for 25 years, each time trying to outdo the other in creativity. Might be interesting to try this with a food item for 25 years. Uncle Esel knows exactly what youre going through. I have enough cheap flashlights to light up the Alamodome for a football game. Cmon, enough with the flashlights! Love, K

Uncle K. Esel is a lifetime resident of our fair city, and is well known for his sage advice on a wide range of topics. If you find yourself perplexed with no one to turn to, send your question to Uncle Esel at: askesel@ TXCITIZEN.COM. Be sure to write Question for Uncle Esel in the subject line of your email.
11

MEGATORIAL

According to the front page of the HeraldZietung last Thursday, NBU had stolen Christmas just another inaccuracy from the Houston-owned paper, as Christmas went off without a hitch this Tuesday. There was stuffing and everything. The story that followed that headline was about the Knights of Columbus Keep Christ in Christmas banner debacle, and the protest it spawned the day prior to the article. NBU had removed the two signs from City property, as they didnt conform to the utilitys standard for the use of those spaces namely that they be used to promote fundraising events for local nonprofit organizations and friends of fans of Jesus filled the downtown plaza to make their dissatisfaction known. The fact is, there are no takebacks when it comes to the highlypopular deity, and once the word Christ is printed, it cannot be removed or relocated for any reason without being considered an outright act of war against the baby Jesus. Heres what everyones missing here: The signs werent taken down because of what they said they were taken down for what they didnt say. They didnt say Come to the Keep Christ in Christmas Fundraiser at the K.O.C. Hall this Friday Night at 7. That would have almost certainly passed muster (youve got to be creative when dealing with this stuff). Despite what youre hearing, this is not the City, or NBU, coming down against local Catholics out of some kind of long-held 12

German Protestant prejudice, or punishing the Catholic Church in general for its loyal support of President Obama for two straight election cycles. The idea that NBU would have allowed the signage had it been placed there by Oakwood Baptist is nothing short of preposterous, (probably), so lets put that one to rest as well. NBU was also accused of actually taking Christ out of Christmas, which, while the utility does wield significant power around town, is impossible. You cant take the Christ out of Christmas anymore than you could remove the X from Xmas. Or City Manager Michael Morrison from City Hall. Cant be done. This stuff is permanent. Both banners were moved to private property immediately following their removal from NBUs overhead cables across Landa Street and Seguin Avenue, but the fact that they were taken from one place and reset at another, (in the case of Landa Street about 100 feet away), apparently put the holiday itself in grave jeopardy. Religious statements hung on private property are not nearly as potent as ones displayed on public property. It makes a difference. And frankly, we cant argue the logic put forth by the protesters. Per the Herald, heres what they had to say: Were tired of every other source of spirituality being condoned while Christians have literally been crucified Patricia Jones well reasoned argument comes in response to the Citys insistence that Buddhist, Muslim, Hebrew, Hindu and

Scientologist clergy be allowed to lead prayer in Council Chambers prior to every City Council meeting, and then carry out the crucifixion of a Christian as part of the consent agenda. Pastor Chuck Huckaby of First Protestant Church added this cogent analysis of the situation when asked about the organizers of the event, which was well-publicized in local media for days ahead of time: This is spontaneous. No one knows who the leaders are so it must be the Holy Spirit. Indeed it must. No question about it. From now on thats going to be our stock answer to readers who ask questions we dont feel like researching and theyd better not press us on it, because, hey, who are they to question the Holy Spirit? Nobody, thats who. So watch it, buddy. Here are a few nuggets of reason from our Facebook coverage of the story at facebook.com/txcitizen: the (people) that go through the motions of CHRISTmas and dont believe in what the holiday stands for really bug the poo out of me! Who cares what you want, (name withheld). CHRISTmas predates you and the folks on here who are anti-Christ The MAJORITY of people in this town, whose wagons were here first, brought Christianity with them. NBU needs to listen to the MAJORITY. (Name withheld), something tells me that I am living a FAR more blessed and charmed life than you. In fact, with my little Google

tools and what not, I already know that to be true. The difference in me and you......I give ALL of the honor and glory to Jesus Christ!!! I am sure the Angels are rejoicing that Heaven is receiving little innocent souls from the recent tragedy. That is a glory-filled moment that an atheist will never understand. December is a time to rejoice. Lets not cast our pearls before swine. Merry Christmas!! We have to back our reader up on the above statement. We interviewed several atheists for this piece and couldnt find any that understood the glory of rejoicing in the wake of a mass child murder. Shockingly, not one of them was willing to acknowledge any of the obvious good that immediately follows a kid shooting, and seemed insistent on focusing only on the evil of the act and the grief of the families affected. We were stunned by their moral blindness, to say the least. Well close with this one, which unfortunately sums up the entire problem with this community, which is being plundered by a few elite individuals: If only all of the energy spent by folks commenting on this thread could be focused on the mess at City Hall, you might have a chance to save your City. On a related note, NBU is expected to soundly reject next years proposed Its 2013 - Keep Satan in Santa banners, a decision that should provide cold comfort to those whose 2012 holiday was destroyed by NBUs ham-handed, yet ultimately futile, attempt to remove Christ from Christmas. TX CITIZEN

TXCITIZEN.COM

13

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Dear Capricorn, The new year is nearly upon you and I. Another year older, more withered, aged, and alone. But don't feel down! Take my advice: just pierce the pineal gland of someone society won't miss and mix it into your favorite cocktail. You will feel and look younger. This doesn't have anything to do with astrology at all. This is just something I actually do every year to stay alive, and now, you can too! Hey kind Capricorns! The stars tell me 2012 was a bad bag of skunk barely worth flushing down the toilet as the cops ran up the stairs and kicked in your bathroom door. However, those same stars say for 2013: Papa's got a brand new bag of good fortune! I see a new illegal enterprise on the horizon, like the show Breaking Bad, only without the bad stuff. I'm not saying you should start selling drugs. But if you did, the stars say it would work pretty well. Happy New Year! TX CITIZEN

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14

830-626-9464(WING)

Last Word
With Kelly Colby
Power Grab Not surprisingly, the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School has ignited a heated discussion about gun control and the security of our children. Though its early, and emotions are still running high, for many people an important part of the healing process will be trying to do somethinganythingthat might help to make sense of the tragedy, or offer hope or a greater meaning to it all. This is the same reason we often see trite religious platitudes passed about; they offer some limited salve to the psyche. None of this will really make the loss any less devastating for those who suffered it, but it offers a form of social contact that is welcomed even when it is not helpful. Politicking and activism will not bring one child back to the arms of a parent, and barring that, any other action will be cold comfort to be sure. Still we try. Even the president is getting into the act. In his address to the vigil in Newtown, President Obama began by offering his sympathies. As a father himself, it was easy to see that Obama was affected deeply as he stood at the podium. Ending at that would have been appropriate, but it wouldnt have been politically prudent. After a calamity such as this, people want answers. They want solutions. They want to be sure that this will never happen again. And, when you cant give them any of that, youd better come up with something. For Obama, this something was a vague and generalized call to action. He suggested that we are failing our children and that we have to do more, that we cant tolerate this anymore and that although the problem is a complex one that will not be solved easily, we have an obligation to try. My greatest concerns were the following two quotes: I will use whatever power my office holds and If there is even one step that we can take to save another child I know from past experience that whatever power means whatever overreach I can get away with, and I know that when we talk about saving just one child, that critical thinking skills have been shelved in favor of emotive expediency. TXCITIZEN.COM Let us assume for a moment that whatever power the president has is essentially unlimited. (I have no doubt that he will.) What could he do to make sure this doesnt happen again? I can think of about a half dozen things almost immediately. What if we were to relocate all elementary schools classrooms to bank vaults? They would likely be safe there. How about a SEAL team for each and every school or retrofitting all schools so that they are impenetrable underground bunkers? Think of how this will improve the unemployment rate and stimulate the economy. Perhaps we should just do away

I cant say this isnt true, but I can say In that vein, Id like to correct just a few of the fallacies I have heard bandied around that there isnt any real evidence to support it. I would like to think that God could offer for the last week: some more inventive and spectacular forms This tragedy could have been avoided of smiting if he really wanted to, and there if the assault weapons ban of the 90s doesnt seem to be a real uptick of violence had not been repealed. in recent years that can be tied to culture. This Im afraid that just isnt so. First of all, nicely debunks the notion that we currently the weapon used in the Newton massacre face a crisis as well. Look at homicide rates wasnt part of the assault weapon ban of for the United States compared to other the 90s. Secondly, there is no evidence that countries. Its actually quite scary. We are, suggests that this crime couldnt have been and have been consistently, a violent country. committed with any number of weapons The graph over long stretches of time is nearly or no traditional weapon at all. Timothy flat; at best it might be lowering a bit. Mcveigh managed to kill quite a few more

Welcome to kindergarten! Therell be coffee and free pens at recess.

with elementary schooling altogether; there certainly wouldnt be any more elementary school shootings if we did that. Of course, the president isnt talking about any of this; hes talking about gun control. There isnt anything wrong with that, at least not as far as he has gone so far. I do hope, though, that he will choose good leadership and careful debate over demagoguery when it comes time to do something. I dont want the president to do whatever is in his power or do whatever it takes to save just one child. I want him to make good policy decisions, preferably based on constitutional limitations and verifiable facts.

people without firing a shot. The truth is that perfect safety is a fantasy. We might limit the number of these types of events, but we will never end them completely. These events (school shootings) are becoming all too common. Uh, no. These events have always been rare, and they are still rare. School violence has, in fact, been down over recent years. The latest few may represent a spike, but there is no evidence to suggest this is a trend. Our culture is where the problem lies. We have either spent too much time watching TV and playing video games or too little time praying to God.

Many countries in Europe and other areas of the world dont have this problem because they have stricter gun control laws. As I mentioned in the last correction, it is certainly true that we have more violence than most developed countries around the world. The reason why is questionable at best. While gun ownership rates are lower there, they have been for quite some time. There are also distinct cultural differences to consider. Add to this that the United States is more diverse than just about any country in the world (racially, economically, ideologically), and it becomes very hard to say what factors account for our tendency toward violence. Guns are a convenient target, but there is good evidence to suggest that they are not the actual culprit. The Swiss, for example, have lots of guns, but dont seem as predisposed to violent action as we are. I have run out of space, but there are a lot more fallacies to clear up. I will work on some more next week. As always, if you have a point to make of your own, the TX Citizen Facebook page at facebook.com/ txcitizen is a great place to do it. You can also send me a Facebook message if youd like to address me directly.

You can read more from Kelly Colby at yourfirstshrug. blogspot.com.

15

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