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Tools for the Upcoming Return to School

Over the school holidays its likely that your children have had a many opportunities to engage in free play, to sleep in, to not have to get dressed at a set time, to say up late and, for many, to have much more relaxed time with you. Many children will have experienced, and enjoyed, more flexibility in their lives. If theyve been in a school holiday program, they may have had to be places on time, but have enjoyed a lot of fun activities, with fun adults. Whether or not they are looking forward to their return to school (or, for some, the start of school) many children will also feel disappointment, or experience tension about the upcoming separation from you, about having a new teacher or about embarking on a whole new experience. If theyve had lots of connection time with you, a return or a start to school may well restimulate tensions that will threaten their sense of connection. It may be that they are not looking forward to adults parents and teachers having a lot more control over their lives in terms of time lines and activities. Feelings about any, or all, of this may manifest in behaviours like dawdling when its time to get ready for school, not listening to you say that its time to stop playing and get ready. Your child may find numerous pretexts on which to hang feelings of disappointment or fear. You may find they their behaviour going off-track, or that they are very sensitive they may have an upset about such things as you telling them that the third bedtime story is the last one. Firstly, it makes good sense to remember that children are not trying to be difficult, or ungrateful, or unreasonable. Its likely that the We are here to help! When frustrations, or time lines, or other pressures weigh on us, we are often pulled in the direction of trying to control children, rather than helping them to reconnect. At these times, we are likely to resort to the ways in which the adults in our lives, when we where children, acted when they felt under the pump. What children need at these emotional moments is connection not control. Children thrive on connection. So, instead of meeting their emotions and their off-track behaviour with the control that they may well, consciously or unconsciously, be unsettled about, meet it with connection! Heres how. Implement Special Time in the days before the return to school and, on the morning of the return. In the latter case, this may mean setting the alarm 15 minutes early, but it will be worth it. Special Time is a defined amount of one-onone parent-child time an hour, 30 minutes, 15 minutes even 5 or 10 minutes in which the parent allows and encourages the child to take the lead (within the bounds of safety and reason) and in which the parent doesnt pay attention to other things (like answering the phone) and doesnt manipulate or direct the play.

emotional safety that all the good times have bestowed have drawn to the surface old stored disappointments and fears. To add to this, there is a transition from holidays to school, and the tensions that accompany that. Children are not bad for having these feelings. This is simply the working of the brain its meant to be this way. If parents had the support, the tools and the recognition that you deserve, handling these emotional times would not feel so confusing and, at times, downright frustrating. Its not your children who are frustrating you. And, its not your bad parenting, either you are a good parent. Its the way our society treats (or mistreats) parents thats the culprit. The incredibly important job you do is not recognised as work! There is little financial recompense, no holiday pay, no long service leave and not enough relaxed time out.

Special Time puts the child in charge of proceedings. This is a wonderful antidote to fears of not being in control, or to feelings about the upcoming separation from you. It gives children the opportunity to guide you in how they want to work on, and offload, the tensions they have. If you dont have a situation in which you can give a child, or children, one-on-one Special Time on the return to school morning, try Playlistening. This is not necessarily one-on-one time (but, can be) and isnt for a set time. As with Special Time, enable the child to take the lead. You may want to initiate something, and see if its going to work to elicit laughter, then follow the childs lead and, their laughs. You could start by hamming it up in the victim role that your child, or children, have to go back to school Oh, no! Its school this morning. What will I do without you? Ill be without you all day. Its not fair. I need an extra big snuggle this morning. Or, when their behaviour goes off-track, you could say, Oh, you dont want to get out of bed? Here, let me help you! You need a snuggle to help you while jumping on the bed, threatening to snuggle, snuggling, and, if they jump out of bed to escape you, chasing them but, at least at first, being unable to catch them. Or, you catch them, but they escape. When your child has upsets - spontaneously bursting into tears or a tantrum - try Staylistening. This means, if you can, be at the childs level and be empathetic. You may need to be a safety manager, making sure they dont hurt themselves, or anyone else, or anything. Dont try to solve the problem, fix the problem, get harsh on a child, or

stop them from releasing tension. Tension release is the way back for them to feeling connected with you. Saying understanding things such as, I know sweetie, you want me to read one more story. But, its time for sleep with clarity but, at the same time, with a warm tone, will help them to cry, or tantrum, harder. The more tension they release, while you keep them physically safe, and while you stay connected with them, loving them well, the more connected they will be when they are finished. The article by one of our Parenting by Connection mums, Ill Never Leave You - The Sunshine after the Storm articulates Staylistening well. On the morning of the school return, or the first day, there may be tears before leaving home, in the car, at the school gate, at the classroom door. Children will benefit greatly if you aim to not distract them or help them get past it. This is not what emotional resilience is. Instead, if you can find a way to Staylisten, they can release their emotional tension through crying, tantrums, shaking, sweating. The result will be that, rather than of going through their day trying to function over the top of these tensions, their minds will be ready for learning, their disposition will be sunny, theyll be able to be open to workable social relationships, to new situations and people, and more. Setting Limits is the fourth Listening Tool that works well when your childs behaviour has gone off-track behaviour they havent yet been able to release the tension they need to, and its driving the off-track behaviour. So, on the return to school morning, when a child is unable to get his mind around the fact its time to leave for school and is dawdling. Instead of cajoling, bribing or threat-

ening consequences, try getting close to your child, and set the limit (Its time to go, honey), hold the limit, (I know, but no more dawdling, its time to go); if necessary, bring the limit by thoughtfully, but physically, moving the child in the direction of the door, for example. Then, Listen as the child releases emotion in crying or storming. Setting Limits will work much more smoothly and effectively if you have warmed up the relationship with Special Time and Playlistening in the days preceding, and again first thing that morning. Warming up the relationship means that, when you set a clear, firm limit in a gentle way, your limit setting will more easily lead to the emotional release and, that will clear the emotional debris away, so that your child can feel connected, and will be able to carry that connection through their day at school. Organising Listening Time for you, using either a Listening Partnership or a Skillbuilding Group is key, so that you can also offload tension and have a refill of connection. Listening to Children is immensely rewarding a very empowering experience. But, its also a challenge. In order to be able to provide a reliable, easy, loving connection with a child, parents need and deserve their own time to be listened to. A Listening Partnership is an equal exchange of time in which two people take turns to talk and respectfully listen. The Listener gives no advice, does not interrupt with their own story, does not problem solve, or bring the focus back onto themselves. They listen empathetically, and trust the talkers mind to explore areas of confusion or upset. The Listener provides attention so that the Talker can offload tension in just the same ways that children do (so efficiently) in order to clear their minds and their path. Written by Ann Hefferan Director of Community Transformations

Note: If you want a fuller explanation of these Listening Tools, please visit the Store at our website for a set of 9 Listening to Children booklets for $33 including postage within Australia. www.parentingbyconnection.org.au