An American poet once said that what matters is not what you look at but what you see.

But what will you see if you wake up in that one moment of your life looking at your dreams being stolen from you? How do you take them back, let alone begin with new ones?

My name is Cleyton John Balinas. I am 29 years old, I have Glaucoma and this is my story.

I grew up in a copper-mining town called Mina in Sipalay City, which is located in the southwestern part of Negros Island, Philippines. My mother is a homemaker. Being the eldest of five siblings, she has found help in me with my sister and younger brothers, as well as with the household chores. My father worked in the mine until he went to Saudi Arabia to work as an Auto (Light/Heavy Equipment) Mechanic when I was in elementary (1993), up to present. He comes home every two years.

Even though I came from a small town, I have huge dreams and plans. I took an Associates Degree in Information Technology at STI-Bacolod (Systems Technology Institute) and graduated in 2004. Growing up wanting to create a name for myself, I made use of my talent and my looks. I joined singing contests wherein I was always one of the semi-finalists. I was an active civic and cultural leader and a student rights advocate. I joined different personality searches and bagged titles. I was Mr. STIBacolod First Runner-up in 2002 and was Mr. STI-Bacolod in 2003. I was full of ambitions and I had my whole life ahead of me. Everything was going well according to my plan. I was at the top of my game. I was popular. Everybody knows my name, and everyone wants to be my friend. Then, something happened.

It all started when I was still in college. I was twenty years old back then. I noticed that there was something wrong with my eyesight. I started to have a smoky vision every afternoon when the heat of the sun was at its peak, or whenever after I do the laundry during weekends. I took it as a sign of stress. Unaware that there are kinds of eye doctors- Ophthalmologist, Optometrist, and Optician, I went to see an Optician and I

was advised to get eyeglasses. If I knew then that my condition was far more serious than just getting a pair of prescribed glasses, I would have paid more attention to it. But since I took it lightly, I went on with getting the prescribed glasses.

After college, I right away went to Manila to look for a job. I thought to myself that I will be able to finally help my family. My first job was an office clerk in a real estate company in Parang, Marikina. However, after only two months of working, I started experiencing tremendous pain in my right temple. At first I thought it was migraine, but the recurring pain was so severe that it became an everyday struggle. The attacks came with smoky and blurry vision whenever my eyes were tired, or whenever the suns heat was at its peak. The headache was excruciatingly unbearable. The pain felt like nails being drilled in the head and my eyes felt like being squeezed out of their sockets. The pain was extremely intolerable that I thought I had tumor. Knowing that I cannot properly work because of these attacks, I decided to go back to my province to have a check-up done. If in case it was indeed a tumor, at least I will be with my family.

This time, I went to see an Ophthalmologist. I did not have tumor. It was something else. I was diagnosed with Neo-Vascular Glaucoma. His prognosis: I will lose my right eyes vision within a month. He wanted me to have a surgery later in that afternoon but I have to come up with PHP 50,000 (USD 1,250) to pay for the operation.

Where and how can I get that kind of money on such a short notice, not to mention, how can I even come up with that kind of amount? For a working class family, such amount is almost close to impossible. In the Philippines, two out of three Filipinos do not go to specialists because of either poverty or ignorance, or both. What can the patient expect knowing that he will be asked to pay for a medical bill that is more than his monthly or annual income?

Because of the very limited funds, I was not able to have the operation. I completely lost my right eyes vision a month later. That was in 2005.

It was such a hard fall that it broke me. I was shattered. Devastation is an understatement for what I went through. I was young. I was supposed to have a good life ahead of me. That reality was one hell of a nightmare and the worst of all is that Im awake. My life was already over with me still in it. What did I ever do to deserve this? How do I even continue to breathe when I was robbed of my future? How do I move back up when for twenty-one years of my life, I was seeing the world with a pair of good eyes, only to wake up and find out that the darkness that has covered my sight is permanent? The blindness is irreversible. So how do I recover from such robbery? How do I continue to find the reason why it had to happen and why it had to happen to me? Do I just accept my fate?

It was tremendously difficult to start again during the first few years. I tried so hard to live like Im ok and that nothing happened. I pretended that nothing changed, yet I know Im not fooling myself. It was already very different. It was like learning how to walk again with only one leg and no crutch. My dreams, my goals, my ambitions they are mere fantasies now. Knowing that I will only hurt myself all the more for thinking on the what could have beens, I decided to stop dreaming. I started to breathe for just the sake of existing. If I had been given a choice, I would have ended such hollow existence. However, I am well aware that such decision is not mine. I dont know what kind of a sick joke fate is playing on me, but by some means, my left eyes vision has been slowly degrading. My right eye is now completely blind. There is no more hope for that, unless God grants me a miracle. My left eye is whats left of me but Glaucoma is very treacherous. Its been slowly stealing whats left of my eyesight. When I went to see an eye specialist, I was advised that I need to maintain certain medications for my condition. Eyedrops for Glaucoma were prescribed to me. I have no source of income and my parents dont always have the money to buy my medication because they still need to send my brothers and sister to school. Whenever they have something to spare, then thats the only time I can buy my medication.

In 2010, I created a blog in the hopes of getting help from anybody who reads it. I created an account on social networks and started to meet friends. Through one social account, I met an Australian member who became my friend. He asked me about my story so I gave him the link to my blog. He read all about my situation and right away sent some funds that I can use to buy my medication. He offered to help me with my blog so that it will reach a wider audience. It was in the same year that I met once again the girl I hold very special in my heart.

I first met her in college. It was in 2000. We were boardmates, we went to the same school, we took the same course (Computer Engineering), we fell in love but we did not work out. She stayed for only a semester and went back to her town when the big city turned out too much for her. I stayed. Ive had my fair share of relationships over the course of time, but somehow, I think of her whenever my world has calmed down. I wanted to see her again and ask for forgiveness. I did her wrong. Sadly, we did not communicate. I didnt know where to find her. When social networking sites became a fad, I would look her up, but Id end up with nothing. I didnt want to give up though. I told myself that Ill look for her even when I become famous.

Ten years after I last saw her, I was checking my Facebook account when I received a message from her. I was surprised and happy. Turns out, she too, was looking for me. I guess, we were just looking for each other in the wrong place thats why a decade was wasted with nothing. She had read my blog. Her friend happened to organize a medical mission in Cebu and asked me to join, with the hope of getting something good.

In the medical mission, I met an EENT doctor who was very compassionate and offered to help me with my condition. She operated on my eyes on charity. She performed Laser Iridotomy on my left eye. It was just a first aid so that itll buy me time to find a benefactor for the major surgery -- Trabeculectomy. I still need to have the surgery otherwise, Ill lose my vision. The good doctor was hesitant to perform Trabeculectomy on me as its risky and advised me to consult my Ophthalmologist.

As my lovelife was blossoming, I can see my left eyes sight gradually degrading.

I went back to my doctor in Bacolod. His advice was to get the surgery -Trabeculectomy. The surgery needs to be done as soon as possible in order to not lose whatever vision I have left. As an Outpatient with PhilHealth insurance, the surgery costs PHP 10,000 (ten thousand pesos); while without the insurance, it runs to PHP 20,000 (twenty thousand pesos). I do not have insurance. I approached local government units in my city for help. Unfortunately, the hypocrites and the stonehearted officials did not care to help. My girlfriend and my parents had to come up with the amount for the surgery.

I had my surgery in March 2011. My left eyes pressure lowered to 11 mm HG from 40 mm HG. Normal eye pressure ranges from 12-22 mm HG. That was good news.

Few hours after the surgery, while I was resting and my left eye was covered with gauze, I felt this strong urge to scratch my eye. It felt like a tiny prick that I needed to scratch it. Knowing that I cant do that because my eye was still very sensitive just few hours from the operation I instead attempted to just take out the gauze. I then saw a faint light. All of a sudden, I was shivering and I was in panic. The realization dawned on me that other than my being claustrophobic, if the disease completely steals whats left of my vision, I will not even see even the faintest light. What will happen to me when my vision is completely lost? Today is year 2013. My left eyes pressure has gone up to 18 mm HG. Few days ago, I noticed that my right eye, the blind one, has deformed. Its clotting. On the outside, it looks like a heavy eyebag, but its a lump in my eyeball. With my left eye, I can see something is definitely wrong with my eyesight. I can see my sight closing in. My Ophthalmologist advised me to have a visual-field scan. He gave me prescriptions for my eye. But being unemployed and without any source of income, I cant afford to pay for the visual-field scan nor for the maintenance of my prescriptions.

I now have a 9-month old daughter with the girl I dearly love. I have stopped dreaming for myself but I have started dreaming for my baby. I want to see those dreams come true, but I am not sure for how long will I live in fear.

Each day, I live with great fear and great uncertainty. I fear that I might lose my battle against Glaucoma. A greater part of me has died when I lost my right eye to this disease. But I am strong and I refuse to lose this fight.

I am writing because I want to share my story and at the same time implore your help. I knock on your kind hearts to help me win my battle against Glaucoma and save whatever is left of my eyesight. I want to see my daughter grow up and be able to always see her sweet smile. My heart is dying but I am hoping. I am hoping that a miracle will happen, and that someone will help me win this battle. Please help me save my eyesight.

Very sincerely yours,

Cleyton John Balinas Purok Jesusito, Brgy. San Jose Sipalay City, Negros Occidental 6113 Philippines cleytopia@yahoo.com.ph (+63) 906-517-1495/ (+63) 918-785-9044