Loving John (May pang)

Chapter 5 (During the recording of Imagine in 1971) Early on the morning after my arrival I was in the kitchen again when a group of children suddenly burst through the door. Among them was Julian Lennon, Johns son by his first wife, Cynthia. Julian was eigh years old and small for his age. He bore an uncanny resemblance to his father and had the same impish, intelligent eyes. Chapter 12 After John had had his coffee the following morning, he said to me, You know Julian is comin. Yoko told me. Im nervous. I dont know what he likes. I dont know how its goin to be. It was something he would repeat often. In reality, John dreaded the visit of Cynthia and Julian. He had not seen his son in more than two years. The very concept of fatherhood unnerved him terribly. How could he play the role of father when he felt it was essential for his survival that someone always be there to take care of him? In addition, the fact that he had ignored Julian made him feel guilty. His preference at that point was never to see Julian and, therefore, to avoid the bad feeling his own behavior conjured. He also did not want to see Cynthia, whom he had not seen in four years. She reminded him of difficult decisions he had made: to leave the Beatles, to divorce her, and to marry Yoko, as well as to abandon his son. After John had made a hard decision, he never wanted to be reminded of that decision or the fact that he had once had a choice. When something was over, it was over for good. I sat with John and talked about the visit. We discussed my childhood, and I told him again how awful it had been for me to know that my father did not want me. John, can you imagine how hard it must be for Julian to be the son of someone as famous as you and to have the world know that this famous, beloved father has chosen to stay away from him? Julian is only ten, youre thirty three. You can try to handle your feelings, Julian cant. Despite the way you feel, youve got to be as kind and as warm to Julian as you can possibly be. Its hard, Fung Yee. I dont know what to do. Im tryin to deal with it. John started to pout again. Then he snapped, I just dont want to see Cynthia. Shes going to be there, so you might as well accept it. The more we talked, the more agitated John became, despite the fact that he agreed with me in concept. Do you want to cancel the visit? I finally asked. No. Still, he was so terribly uneasy that I decided to organize the visit myself, making it go as smoothly as possible, hoping John would get caught up in the preparations once they began. He did, but he would get nervous and balk, then hed jump in again. It was decided that Cynthia and Julian would arrive right after Christmas and stay through New Years. With Johns consent I reserved a suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel for them. Come on, John, I said. Julian deserves the kick of staying in a nice place and seeing celebrities. Harold Seider suggested we take Julian to Disneyland and on tours of the movie studios. He had his office make arrangements so that we would get VIP treatment and not have to wait on line. John kept Yoko up to date on all the arrangements. After one call, he hung up

and said, You know Cynthias still in love with me. Shell do anything to get me back. John, you and Yoko havent seen Cynthia in four years. Are you mind readers? How do you know whats going on in her head? And even if its true, what can she do to get you back if you dont want to go? What are you worried about? John shrugged and tried to laugh it off, but it was quite clear to me that he was still under Yokos spell, and she had chosen, for some mysterious reason of her own, to get him agitated and upset about Cynthia. Even I, in my vulnerable position, recognized before I met her that Cynthia meant John no harm. Nevertheless Yoko kept working at it. The next day, after one of her phone calls, John repeated what he had said the day before. Again I tried to joke him out of it, but he kept repeating those ridiculous statements, and every time he repeated them he grew more anxious about the visit and more convinced that he did not want to see Cynthia. I think at that point more than any other I began to fear the power of Yokos influence over John: To turn John against Cynthia was to make sure that John would never see Julian. Meanwhile, as we continued to plan the visit of Julian and Cynthia, we had other problems to deal with. Not the least of them was Phil Spector, who was embroiled in a custody battle with his wife, Ronnie; Spector faced a hearing in January To ask him about Johns album was to be asked about the hearing; he asked those questions if you asked him the time of day. It was all John needed as Cynthia and Julians arrival neared. While we waiting for Cynthia and Julian we also continued to participate in the Los Angeles high life. As Cynthia and Julians visit neared, Yoko increased her calls. One day I counted twenty-three A day before the arrival of Cynthia and Julian, John slammed the phone down angrily. He was livid. Fung Yee, he shouted, something terrible has happened. I looked at him. His eyes flashed with anger. Whats the matter? I asked. John wouldnt respond. What did she tell you? Still, he wouldnt answer, but with Cynthia and Julian due to arrive in less than twenty-four hours, John suddenly had the look in his eye that meant a rampage might be imminent. All right, then, dont tell me. But at least listen, I said firmly. Ive never asked for very much. But Im asking you for something now. Your son hasnt seen you in years. No matter what youve heard, youve got to be nice to Julian tomorrow. John did not reply. Lost in thought, he paced back and forth until bedtime. That night I could not sleep and did not go to bed. John walked into the living room and asked me what the matter was. I cant stand the fact that you might hurt Julian. It reminds me of all the times that I was hurt as a kid and couldnt do anything about it. John suddenly switched gears. Yokos just being paranoid, he said with a laugh. Shes afraid that Ill go back with Cynthia and divorce her and shell get a small divorce settlement, just like Cynthia did.

John smiled at me, but it was short-lived. Suddenly he frowned and said nothing. I realized he was trapped between his anxieties and his sense of what was right. When he got up the next morning, he was so nervous, he began to chain-smoke and to pace incessantly. We had rented a limousine to take us to the airport. When it pulled up in front of our apartment, John told the driver to wait. He paced and smoked some more but did not take a drink. Eventually he made up his mind. Lets go, he said, and he bolted out the door. John was consumed by nervousness in the limousine and at the airport while we waited for the plane to land. Julian spotted John as soon as he and Cynthia passed through the exit gate. The child burst into a huge grin. DadDad, he called as he ran to John. John scooped his son into his arms and hugged him tightly. Then he said hello to Cynthia and gave her a polite kiss on the cheek. Hello, May, she said, extending her hand. Do you remember May from England? John asked Julian. I was pleased that Julian did remember that we had spent time together at Tittenhurst. We led them to the limousine. The ride began as a silent one; then John asked Julian about the flight. Julians excited chatter broke the ice, and we were all more at ease by the time we arrived at the hotel. When we were in their suite, John and Cynthia fell into a brief conversation about old times, and I played with Julian. John, however, quickly became restless. Weve got to go, he said. Well all have brunch tomorrow, I added. What a lovely idea, exclaimed Cynthia. John headed for the door, and I followed. John had spent less than half an hour with his son; it was all John could handle on the first day. The next day John proved capable of spending two hours with Cynthia and Julian before his nervousness overwhelmed him. The following day, during which we planned to take Julian to Disneyland, would be the real test. John wanted to leave Cynthia behind. Julian, however, hid behind a couch and would not go unless his mother could go along, and John finally relented. During the drive Julian alternated between shyness and ease with his father. He said to John, I cant believe I can talk to you whenever I want to now. John was puzzled. Do you remember in England when I used to come visit you? I was allowed to speak to you only once or twice a day. Otherwise I couldnt speak to you at all, Julian told him. John started to relax. He asked Julian about school and his friends; he asked him about the music he liked and whether he was studying any musical instruments. Cynthia had a natural English reserve about her, yet she was friendly and perfectly cordial to me. It was obvious that she had a real affection for John. It was equally obvious that she had not traveled to the United States to steal him from Yoko. Cynthia believed that because they had once spent so much time together, they should be able to have an easy conversation. Her entire demeanor made it clear that she expected nothing from John, and John responded to her cordiality. Everything was going a lot better than I had hoped. Before we got to Disneyland, John said firmly, We have to watch out for photographers. I dont believe in having a kids picture taken just because he has a famous dad. I hate all those stars using their families to get free publicity by having themselves photographed with their children. If I see a photographer, Ill break his f**kin camera.

Once we got inside, Julian became very excited. He dashed from attraction to attraction, urging John to keep after him. John trotted after his son, and they both appeared to be having a merry time. Cynthia turned to me as John and Julian ran ahead. When I found out about you and John, I was so happy. I knew Julian could see his father again. Really, she said in her English fashion, whatever happened between John and me, he shouldnt want to divorce his son. Cynthia smiled warmly to me, and we fell into a conversation about our childhoods. I knew that the meeting between Johns first wife and his mistress was peculiar, but Cynthia had no feelings of jealousy. I told Cynthia that we were happy- that we had problems only when John drank. John has always drunk when he feels insecure, she replied. When he was nineteen, he desperately wanted to make it as a musician and he was afraid he wouldnt. Hed drink, wed go to a dance, and hed always find something to pick a fight with. When he was drunk, someone always got beat up. John was pleased with the excursion and he adored Julian. Hes like a little man, he kept telling me. Hes about to have conversations. He can think, he can discuss things. He amazes me. Two days later we joined Cynthia at Mal Evanss house for dinner. Everyone had a few drinks, and after dinner we all sat on the floor, listening as Cynthia and John had a long, funny talk about the good old days. They regaled us with stories about their stay at the Maharishi Mahesh Yogis ashram in India. Toward the end of the conversation Cynthia remarked, You know, John, I always wanted to have another child. With whom? John asked, glaring at her. Cynthia paused. With you, she replied offhandedly. I cant have another child, Im sterile. I dont understand, Cynthia replied. I have proof I cant have another child. Ive been checked out medically and I have a low sperm count because of the drugs Ive taken. Soon afterward John decided to leave. On the way home he brooded about Cynthias comment that she wanted another child. As soon as we returned to the apartment he phoned Yoko. You were right, Yoko, he said. She still loves me and shell do anything to get me back. (John and May went to the Troubadour where John put a sanitary pad on his forehead and got drunk, making a scene- they were asked to leave the club) [the next day] I got up and made coffee. Then Yoko called. She gave John three explanations for the nights events and John repeated them to me: John had exploded because I had not done my job, because Cynthia wanted him back, and because he had seen Julian despite the fact that it hurt her because she could not see her daughter, Kyoko, who Yoko insisted had been kidnapped by the childs father, Yokos second husband, Tony Cox. Then we phoned Julian and had a pleasant chat; neither he nor Cynthia seemed to have any knowledge of what had happened, and John was very relieved [John did not want Julian to know anything about that night] The next day we saw Cynthia and Julian. Even though they had read about it in the newspapers, they never mentioned the Kotex incident and neither did we. Julians visit was almost over, and John endeavored to make those last few days as pleasant as he could for his son. Because Julian liked it so much, we even went back to Disneyland two more times.

On the day of their departure we took Cynthia and Julian to the airport. I want to come back again to see you on my next holiday, Julian told John before he got on the plane. When we returned to the car, John leaned back and breathed a long sigh of relief. Youve got to make me a promise, I said on the way home. What is it? I want you to call Julian once a week. It would be terrible for him after this time with you if you disappointed him by disappearing again. Youre a real person to him now and youve got to keep in touch. John hemmed and hawed. Then he said, It is the right thing to do. I promise you, Fung Yee. He was silent for a while, then John said suddenly, I really would like to keep in touch with me son. Chapter 17 (John and May went to New York City with their brand new apartment with a room for Julian) Then, when our apartment was nearly decorated and we were almost ready to move in, we heard from Tony King, who told us that he was coming back to the United States. He was planning to said in mid-July on the S.S. France with Elton John. John was very excited. I cant wait to see Tony and Elton! he exclaimed. A little later he had a brainstorm. Itll be a good idea when Julian comes over for him to go with them. They can look after him on the boat. I called Tony back, and he loved the idea of escorting Julian to the United States. Then I called Cynthia and told her of Johns plan. Its a wonderful idea, she told me. She asked to speak to John, and I gave the phone to him. When John spoke to Cynthia, he was extremely curt. Okayfinegood, he said, wanting to get off the phone as quickly as possible. The next time John spoke to Julian, Julian told him that Cynthia was planning to go with him. John was furious. He was counting on Julian to travel alone. It took all of my powers of persuasion to convince him to allow Cynthia to accompany her son. After a few phone calls, it was arranged that when Cynthia and Julian arrived in New York, Julian would stay with us, and Cynthia would stay with friends. Three days later we moved into the Pierre and were getting ready to leave it, Cynthia, Julian, Elton, and Tony arrived. When John saw Cynthia, he said quietly, Hi, Cyn. When he saw Julian, he gave him a big hug. Then he embraced Elton and Tony. They had all had a marvelous crossing. Julian was a dream, Elton told John. He waited for us outside our staterooms, escorted us to the dining room, always made sure we had good seats at all the events on board. Well, folks, we have a new apartment and we have a new album. He put his arm around my shoulder. Weve been a very little busy couple since last you saw us. He turned to Julian. And youve got your own room. When are you moving? asked Cynthia. Tomorrow. She laughed. Cynthia knew what life with John was like. Things always happened at a moments notice. (Paul and Linda visited John, Julian, and May; Julian played drums on Ya Ya)

John continued to refuse to speak to Cynthia, so I kept in touch with her. As it turned out she was alone, her friends having been called away. I could sense that she was lonely, yet she was always very cheerful with me and made no demands. She was delighted by Johns sudden interest in Julian, and she was determined not to do anything to provoke his temper. Whenever Yoko called, John was cordial but distant. From their brief conversations Yoko learned that everything was going splendidly: The album was being completed in record time and everyone who heard it loved it; John loved the new apartment; he was delighted with Julian; Cynthia had done nothing to upset him; and John and I had never been happier with each other We worked it out so that we could go to Los Angeles for three days, then fly to Caribou for another two or three, then come back to New York. I was pleased when John agreed that Cynthia and Julian would accompany us to L.A. After three days, true to Johns word, we got ready to leave for the Caribou Ranch in Colorado to work with Elton. When John told Julian that we were leaving, Julian refused to go with us. It appeared that Julian did not like the idea of leaving Cynthia behind. John and I both tried to persuade him to go, but he wouldnt budge. I felt that Julian really needed a breather- all the flying around and all those superstars seemed a bit too much for him- and he wanted the familiarity of his mother for a while. When Julian and Cynthia returned from Los Angeles, Cynthia went back to the hotel, and Julian rejoined us. We had a week with Julian, and once again we resumed our city routine with him. Then it was time for Julian and Cynthia to return to England. Julian, youre goin to see me again this Christmas, John told his son before the child left, and this time youre really old enough to come by yourself.