The Modern Man: 2 A question of digital fun.

dampcardigan

16/02/2013 21:52

dampcardigan
The Modern Man: 2 A question of digital fun.
Posted by Damp Cardigan on January 8, 2013 Leave a Comment Hello again. I am modern man. My life is more exciting than yours and Im going to tell you about it. Im a digital diarist with a legion of eager followers whose lives are enhanced by reading about my adventurous exploits. My life can be viewed pictorially as well as in the literary sense. My fingers, charged with the latest acronyms, bring important issues to the attention of the uneducated on this important and vital platform. I have a social life that easily outshines most celebrities and validated evidence to prove it. I am popular. 09:15 am Whats on your mind? TFI Friday peeps!!! Out with the crew tonight, gonna be MENTAL This is a good way to begin the weekend. Right now, Im sat behind my desk in work pretending to be busy. In all honesty my mind couldnt be further from work. This status implies that my mind is fixed firmly on the inevitable night out ahead. This is not true. What really concerns me is evidencing how fun I am to my minions tomorrow. This week, after a pretty dull week previously where there just werent enough likes and comments to justify the money I spent, Im starting early. Now, I couldve gone for an attention seeking, emo status. Something like not sure if I want to go out tonight and wait for the pleas to plug my attention starved soul. This has backfired in the past though. 09:18 am 4 friends like your status Comment Gullible 1 - woop woop!!! Gonna be sick mate Four Klingons and an associate diarist in three minutes! Result. It should be explained that the use of the word sick actually translates as good as opposed to the archaic, dictionary definition. Ill leave my own comment to distract the audience from this clever use of slang whilst keeping my status at the top of the news feed.
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The Modern Man: 2 A question of digital fun. dampcardigan

16/02/2013 21:52

09:20 am Comment Me - Fully sick! Hope its as good as a few weeks ago Regurgitating his slang is an easy distraction method but take a look at what Ive done here. Ive alluded to a specific, previous night out that was so good it warranted another reference. I go out almost every weekend with this fool at least twice and this reference is vague enough to divert questions around the details. Putting faith in my friends mirrored quest for gratification is dangerous, but ultimately rewarding. 09:22 am Comment Gullible 1 - Deffo! Still getting flashbacks now!!! Despite the overuse of punctuation this unspoken, but shared need for people to think a certain way about us has been successful here. Best pretend Im working in case the boss catches me. Thankfully, in the modern day, I can easily switch from the office computer to my Smartphone, carefully hidden underneath the paperwork Im not doing. Best set it to vibrate. Missing a new notification would be like missing a meal. Oh no, it wouldnt, it would be worse! My phones buzzed three times but thankfully Im well practiced at pretending to ignore it. Ill save them for my cigarette break in a minute. 10:30am 6 friends like your status Comment Gullible 2 - Not gonna make it, dead skint L Im not interested in those who cant, theyre easily ignored and this guy used an emoticon for fucks sake. What a dick. Just have a quick look through the news feed to see what the rest of them are up to. 10:35am Whats on their minds? Annoying try-hard 1 dont think I can be arsed going out tonight, I mean, whats the point????? Someone doesnt listen do they? I believe I have already pointed out that this is dangerous
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The Modern Man: 2 A question of digital fun. dampcardigan

16/02/2013 21:52

ground to tread. This person is definitely going out tonight and I will definitely see them. The problem is if nobody acknowledges this cry for help it will be too obvious that its just an exercise an attention seeking. I may save this person later. More pressingly, just spotted a cat. Best take an Instagram of it before I finish my ciggy, could come in handy later. The boss is out for the rest of the morning. This is a perfect opportunity to search for a relevant song to post alluding not only to my super cool taste in music and retro leanings but to the coming nights carnage. The Beastie Boys (You Gotta) Fight For your Right (To Party) should satisfy all of the above. Wont post it yet though as Ive got an amateur emo and a cat to deal with first. 11:03am Comment Me Hey! Dont be such a big girls blouse. Get a grip of yourself and get out. Wouldnt be the same without you!!! I gave him a spoon full of sugar here whilst saving him from his dangerous ploy. In all honesty I couldnt care if he does come out especially if hes gonna mope around ruining my carefully thought through pictures. The rest of the afternoon will pass by in a haze of hurriedly finished work and stealth blogging. Once at home, I can lament how hard my working day has been as a moral justification for how the night will unfold. Yes, I will be drunk tonight but so much that the overall theme is forgotten about. Once ready to leave theres just enough time to upload a picture of me posing in the mirror, making sure the logo on my super twatty Smartphone is visible. Ill tag myself and the people Im going out with cause, you know, they all secretly want to be me. Then theres the small job of posting the song, and the picture of that cat with some sort of vague caption. Dear God Im cool. 20:30pm

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The Modern Man: 2 A question of digital fun. dampcardigan

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Linking it with the song gives me extra twat points. Ive got nothing to tell you about the night out. Well, nothing that you cant see for yourselves anyway. My hangover will be pushed aside the following morning to quickly upload, crop and tag all the photos in which Im displaying the right mix of fun, seriousness and cool. There might even be one with the guy who said he wasnt coming out. Ill keep my best knowing expression for that one. Its best to treat photos like a celebrity would. Dont look directly at the camera all the time, even the ones where its you holding the damn thing at arms length. Pretend like youre too busy being awesome to pose while still being aware of which is your best side. There are a couple of stumbling blocks to consider. I obviously wasnt the only person with a camera so time must be spent un-tagging myself from pictures that dont fit my carefully considered persona. After leaving it for an hour or so, to clock up all the comments and likes, Ill hit everyone with an update on my not as bad as Im gonna make it sound hangover. 11:26am Whats on your mind? Me What a night!!!! Seriously cant remember anything past 12. Time for a bacon butty then..? Ill leave it five minutes to build the suspense. Honestly, I wouldnt do it if people werent so gullible. A couple of friends will even comment requesting an end to the sentence sometimes with just a question mark, the lazy fuckers. 11:31am

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The Modern Man: 2 A question of digital fun. dampcardigan

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Comment Me ..straight back on it!!! Whos in? Hello again. Im a modern man. My life isnt exciting at all and Ill be devastated when you realise it. I exist on a strict diet of validation and attention sought through an almost anonymous medium devoid of the possibility of real evidence. I keep my personal journal in public and my carefully thought through opinions are formed on the basis of dogmatic trend setting. I secretly admire people who achieve fame without having any discernable talent and use social networking to fool myself into thinking that Im in some way similar. I am lonely.

Filed under Blogging, Digital Media, Facebook, Funny, Humour, Journalism, Social Networking , Writing Tagged with social networking, Facebook, Internet, Funny, Humour, Twitter, Blogging, Smoking, Journalism, Short Story, Micro Blogging, work, Writing, Instagram, Cats, The Beastie Boys, (You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party), Smartphone, iPhone, Technology , Partying, Night Out, Popularity, Notifications, Obsessions, Obsessive Behaviour, Acronyms, LOL, Office Work, Working

dampcardigan These, are the facts. Blog at WordPress.com. Theme: Structure by Organic Themes.

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