Brother Bobcat Preaches on

A Sample Of My Project Under Construction:

Brother Bobcats Barf Burgers
By Patricia Backora

Wonder what the big guys gonna hit us with tonight when he
preaches? Craig grumbled to Wanda one Sunday night as they settled
their family in the pew.
Sister Mary said she knew for sure he was gonna preach about
love tonight, Wanda said. Im right. Youll see.

As Craig gnawed his knuckles wondering how hed pay the light bill
or even catch up on sleep lost to working two whole shifts, Brother
Bobcat, looking tanned and relaxed, ascended the podium.
Can ya say hallelujah? he shouted with one of his rare smiles.
Praise God, that trip to Haw-wy-yah was just what the doctor ordered.
Im all rested up and rarin to go. So next Wednesday night well be
startin our teaching series entitled The Horrors of Hell. The only way
youll escape it is if you git a job workin Wednesday nights. After we
give yall a taste of fire and brimstone well be servin hand-cranked ice
cream in the church fellowship hall, during which time well treat yall
to slides of our trip.
Brag, brag, brag! Craig whispered to Wanda. I cant even take
my kids to the zoo.
She whispered back, Jealousy is a sin. Oh, Craig
Wanda, Craig sighed, I think begging poor folks for money so he
can take a break while we cant is a bigger sin.
Mama, Petra whispered, did Daddy say the preachers a sinner?
Shush, Petra, Craig breathed, nervously scanning the area for
ushers. Everybody on earth is a sinner one way or another.
After a few grumpy gripes about non-tithers and what hed like to do
with them, Fester cracked another smile. Guess yall have heard
some rumors goin round that tonight wed be preachin on the love of
God. So thats what we intend to do. Lets crack open our Bibles to
Hebrews chapter 12, startin with verse 5.
Groans. After Fester finished reading about the chastening of the
Lord, he grinned again and said, There, you have it. God whups the
tar out of every Christian He loves, and this is backed up by Proverbs
13:24. Read it yourself and youll find out that if you love your kid
their backside will testify to it. If I drive by any of yallses homes and
I see a tree out front with all the branches stripped off, then I know
youve been crackin down on sin in your kids life and teachin em the
love of God. BUT, when little Susie or Johnny gits to be about eight or
nine, its time to bring out the BIG guns!
Fester unbuckled his 62-inch cowhide belt and whipped it off. He
banged his pulpit with it and yelled, When I was a kid my daddyd say
I sure do love you, Fester! every time his trusty ol razor strap struck
my Gluttonous Maximus. When he got done Id gotten more fatherly
love than any other reprobate brat in all of Texas! Some folks say Ive
got a fat belly, but Daddy saw to it I always had a flat bottom. It was
a patriotic backside, too, always red, white and blue. Black too!
As a rule I dont recommend other peoples books. But this
ones a blessing. Right now Im gonna tell yall about a good childrearing manual that was written way back in the 70s, when Christian

parents were a heckuva lot better at beatin kids than they are today.
Todays parents are softie liberal twinkle-toed hippie-dippie twits that
dont know how to dizpline a fly, let alone a kid. Ernest J. Whipple, a
lay preacher who took divination classes at Glory Road CemeterI
mean, seminary, was so busy raisin a houseful of kids he didnt have
time to finish his doctorhood dissertation. But he wrote all about the
trials and tribulations of parenthood and how to do a good job of it.
He taught all his kids to fear the Lord, and be afraid of him, too.
Brother Whipples belt spent far more time wrapped around
somebodys caboose than it did around his pants.
This heres his UNBEATABLE book on Christian child rearin.
Fester held up a copy for all to see.

Daddys Dizpline, Fester drawled. See? Underneath the title

theres a tidbit of wisdom wise old Solomon himself couldnta thought
up: A beating a day keeps the devil away. And, Keep your kids outa
hell GODS way.
None of this leftie liberal soft-soap love and
understanding junk. Theres times to love and theres times to punish.
If some bum breaks into your house and steals your family jewels, you

gotta forgive em if you dont shoot em first, no questions asked. But

kids only learn when you teach their seat of education.
Good news! Daddys DizI mean, Discipline, is on sale in our
bookstore for a measly price of $8.37 anytime you want it. For those
watchin at home, our toll-free ministry phone number is on the
screen, and yall can just call in and order it for $9.25 postage paid.
Dont look for it online, cause it aint there yet.
In this book, Fester drawled, youll find all sorts of godly wisdom
for how to break a kid, just like when a cowboy rides a buckin horse
around the corral to break it in. Lets see. Fester opened a dog-eared
section of the book. Here. Ernest Whipple says you gotta make kids
scared of goin to hell, and the only way to do that is to give em a
little taste of it here on this earth. So if youve got a kid thats in the
habit of spillin his RC Cola at the dinner table over and over again,
even though youve warned him a trillion times to be careful, dont
listen to no more lame excuses. Even if its an awkward eleven-year
old with bony elbows and overgrown hands, that kid has failed to heed
the ammunition to precede with caution. Thats one time too many,
and since he didnt listen he gits a beatin.
Fester swayed, drummed on his pulpit and sang out of the book:
Bob bob a du wah, a biddly-bob a du wah!
Brother Whpple says here, Before the hippies came along to
blaspheme the War in Viet Nam, they used to have these weirdos
called BEAT-niks, and theyd sing something like that. Every Christian
parent ought to be a BEAT-nik, because when little Nick sins, you need
to BEAT Nick, and pound his bongo drums.
What a priceless gem from a fine Christian family man, Brother
Bobcat reflected. And hes right about one thing: If you dont
intravene fast, your kidll grow up like a brain-dead klutz on crack.
Hell be so clumsy and inconciliate toward you, hell wreck all your
knickknacks before he gits around to breakin yore heart too.
So next time Junior torpedoes another glass of milk with his
elbow, what you need to do is whisper softly and tenderly:
IVE HAD IT WITH YOU, BUSTER! NO MORE SECOND CHANCES!
THIS TIME IM GONNA BURN UP YORE BRITCHES!
Now well read some more of Brother Whipples advice. Never
threaten a punishment you dont carry out immediately or your kid will
think its all a game and just laugh. You need to teach your precious
child that God cracks down hard on each and every sin. YOU are the
priest who carries out the Paddling Ritual to pound holiness into your
kid to save his soul from hell. After you warn the kid hes about to get
his round steak tenderized, you go whip Woody Woodshed out of the

closet. If yore kid runs down the back alley to get away from you,
dont worry. Once his belly growls from hunger hell come crawling
back home to be fed. But dont feed his belly till you fan his bottom.
When you swing that paddle, it should be at least as thick as a Tbone steak. It should be made out of solid oak, none of that wimpy
plywood junk. It should have holes in it so it will make big blisters.
You should keep swinging it till your kids repent for their ornery,
cussed sins. If you use a belt, you should make it sting like a swarm
of bees. Dont be too gentle or theyll think its all just a big joke.
On the facing page youll see the Spankometer. This handy little
semi-circular chart is a nifty way to measure a kids crying to
determine whether hes exhibiting true repentance or just acting
ornery.
Fester pointed at the book. The congregation could see close-ups
of the material he displayed on the many monitors scattered
throughout the vast auditorium. Mouths dropped open in shock. People
were glad they hadnt had to raise children during the Savage
Seventies. Craigs head bobbed. This service was too darned long, but
as Festers senior manager he had to set the good example of perfect
attendance. Wanda stared with fascinated, glassy, eyes, furiously
scribbling notes. Joshua fumbled with his Farm Boy game so he could
shut the preacher out. Petra sat scrunched up in her seat with her
face buried behind her knees. Her mother poked her.
Petra
straightened up a little, but pulled her fleece jacket over her eyes. Her
daddy warned her to cut it out or people might stare at them.
See here? Fester growled, pointing at the chart. This here
areas called pain. Then you go on to fear, then anger, then finally
repentance. If yore kid screeches like a jungle wildcat, hes spittin
mad and in rebellion against God, not just you. So you gotta hit em
again and again till he sniffles softly and tenderly. That means hes
sorry and only then is he allowed to pray to ask Jesus for forgiveness.
Gathering steam Fester bellowed: Dr. Whipple says you shouldnt
let yore kid pray to the Lord for mercy till AFTER hes taken his
medicine. If you do let him pray before you swing that paddle, problem
with that is, Jesus will spring-clean that brats heart and there wont be
no sin left to punish. Youd feel like a lowdown rat if you chastened
yore childs chuck roast after the Lord forgave him and cancelled out
his sins, and he already felt like a new man on his way to Glory. We
cant have that happen, can we? So make sure you administrate ASSprin to your kids sick soul before Jesus gits a chance to make it whole.
You need to lay into that kid just as soon as you make him feel rotten
and dirty inside, so he knows he deserves the suffering thats coming
to him.

Brother Whipple cant be beat! Fester cackled.

Heres more
pearls of wisdom on Page 59: You, the father of the family, are Gods
anointed priest. It is up to you and you alone to detect sin in the life
of your child. You must monitor the ebb and flow of life in your childs
heart to make sure those spiritual streams stay pure. Like radar
detects a Communist invasion you must instantly discern any early
signs of rebellion in the heart of your child and nip them in the bud
before this rebellion spreads like a cancer throughout his soul. Once
sin sinks its ugly, twisted roots in the life of a child, it is nearly
impossible to pull it out. Thats why you must get to the BOTTOM of sin
in your childs life and attack it mercilessly, lest your child end up in a
worse hell than hes already in.
Well start readin on Page 60 and go through the whole chapter,
Fester said. Just bear with me. Well be off the air before we finish
tonight, but at least the folks here at Woodshed Worship Center can
receive this precious spiritual food. Here goes: Jesus may be the Way
to the Father, but you, the priest of your family, are your childs ONLY
way back to the love of Jesus. Without you, your child has no viable
relationship with God. Unless you, his father, leads him there, he
cannot find his way to the Father. Just like Jesus died on an old
wooden cross, the ONLY way back to the Fathers love after your child
sins is The Way of the Woodshed. God created trees not just for fruit,
but to enable people to punish sin. Trees provide twigs for toddlers and
holey paddles for Southern school teachers to use on gum-chewers.
Just like Jesus could not bypass the Cross, neither can your child skip
his spanking and still get his relationship with God restored to what it
was before he sinned. Jesus did forgive the Thief on the Cross. But
that thief still had to suffer all the brutal punishments the Roman
soldiers dished out.
Suppose a prison convict is sentenced to die for his crime. He has
a conversion experience and comes to know Christ as Savior the day
before his execution. The criminal has been transformed by the power
of God. All his sins have been washed away as far as east is from
west. He is a new man. God declares this man to be blameless and
just in His sight. But the penalty for his sin must still be enforced
because thats the law of the land. The same principle applies to the
law of your home. Even if God did manage to satisfy HIS standard of
justice and wash your childs sins away BEFORE the paddling is carried
out, your child still owes a debt of pain and suffering to pay for his bad
behavior. He must still satisfy your criteria for justice. The parable of
the poor servant who could not pay his debt and begged the Merciless
Servant for mercy does not apply in this case. The Merciless Servant
only asked for money to satisfy the debt. All youre asking for is pain,
and everybody can provide plenty of pain, whether theyre rich or poor.

After a hard enough spanking, the foul air will be cleared and the
accounts between you and your child will be settled. And by the way,
dont ever let your childs Spanking Account get in arrears, or hell
never learn to respect law and order.
Why cant we show more mercy and grace to small children who
cant discern their right hand from their left? you might ask. There is a
time for all things. First we had the Old Testament, which was filled
with plagues, stonings, burnings, and fearful judgments on sin. The
New Testament, where God displayed His grace and mercy, only came
later, after the Nation of Israel matured enough to receive those
things. First youre a child, then an adult, with all the honors and
privileges of being one. Grace and mercy are part of the solid meat of
the Word spoken of in Hebrews chapter 5. Verse 14 states that this
solid food belongs to mature believers, not small children. However, I
could make a strong case for the fact that chastisement is the greatest
possible mercy you could show a rebellious child, although it is a
severe mercy.
Many Christian disciplinarians fear that one day theyll reap the
same severe mercy they sow into their little childrens lives. Theyre
afraid their children will grow up and turn on them in a vengeful spirit,
and ditch them in a substandard nursing home where they, like the
children they whipped, will be at the mercy of people more powerful
than themselves. Never fear. By the time youve crushed the will of
your young child like a pearl under the heel of an elephant, theyll do
only what you command till you go home to glory. Your children wont
even have enough willpower left to make their own decisions in later
life. Youll be the one to choose their marriage partner, or even decide
whether they get married or not. You will choose their career for them.
If you want them to flip burgers all their lives, they wont mind if you
wont contribute to a college education. And even if they decide to
move out by the time theyre 35, theyll be at your beck and call night
and day. And if they dare cross you, remind them that you might be
getting old and feeble, but Woody Woodshed is hand-crafted to last
long after youre six feet under.
At the end of this book youll find a perforated order form for my
Patented Woody Woodshed Spanking System. Included in our basic
package is my devotional booklet, Prayers for the Paddled Child, a care
and usage manual, and also a 2-foot long, 1-1/2 thick, 5 wide, solid
oak paddle with an EZ Grip handle, the Woody Woodshed. The Woody
Woodshed is varnished with Duralast Amazon Rain Forest Resin, to
ensure it will last a lifetime. The Woody Woodshed is the only paddle
you will ever need to purchase. It works on rug rats aged seven on
up, dogs and cats too. Your pets will never again get in your favorite
chair and refuse to move.

The Woody Woodsheds sleek, aerodynamic design enables it to

cut through the air in one fluid motion, delivering harder blows with a
minimum of wrist strain. The Woody Woodshed glances off your childs
backside, after focusing all the force of your blow on the target area.
This state-of-the-art paddle comes with one dozen rubberized holes,
each inch in diameter. It inflicts the maximum pain with minimum
exertion by the parent. As you swing the Woody Woodshed, youll hear
it whistle like a songbird as air rushes through the holes. Spanking
your child will never again feel the same. No more achy wrists or
calloused hands from hard handles.
If youre ready to start disciplining your colicky baby, order our
low-impact Diaper Drummer, an oscillating rubber Impact Disk on a
motorized handle. It runs on 2 size D batteries (not included). The
Impact Disk is detachable for use as a teething ring. Your baby will
love it! The Diaper Drummer makes the perfect Baby Shower Gift,
especially if youre tired of being invited to Gimme parties and dont
particularly like the freeloader who invited you. The Diaper Drummer is
available for a mere $22.00, plus P&H.
Once your infant starts toddling, you can progress to the Toddler
Trainer, a flexible slab of perforated plastic on a wire handle. The
Toddler Trainer also works on pesky flies. You can order it for a
suggested donation of $13.00, plus P&H.
The Wee Woody Woodshed is a blessing for smaller kids who are
too mature for the Toddler Trainer but arent sturdy enough to absorb
the full benefit of the full-sized Woody Woodshed. This paddle is handcrafted of polished pine instead of heavier oak. It comes with fewer
holes, which are not reinforced with rubber. It is 1-1/2 feet long, 1
thick, and 4 wide, with EZ Grip handles to minimize parental wrist
strain. It is the ideal training tool for small children under the Age of
Accountability. Order now and get it for a suggested donation of only
$43.00 plus P&H.
The Woody Woodshed Spanking System can be yours for a
ministry donation of only $67.00 plus P&H. Details on how to order all
the above-mentioned products are included on the ad/order form at
the rear of this book. If you order at least one Woody Woodshed or
one Wee Woody Woodshed, or two Diaper Drummers, or three Toddler
Trainers now, youll receive our Deluxe Discipline Deal, which includes
a wide range of extra accessories to enhance your Christian spanking
experience.
One item included in The Deluxe Discipline Deal is a Punitive Priest
Wardrobe of ceremonial Spanking Vestments. This outfit includes a tall
Correction Cap, similar to the gold-embroidered miter worn by Roman
Catholic popes (Please specify hat size). The Punitive Priest Robe is a
seamless, full-length, one-size-fits-all flowing vestment of white silk,

gemshot with rare rhinestones and embroidered with gold designs on

the 32 pleated sleeves, which symbolize the Long Arm of the Law.
This garment fits every disciplinarian up to 500 pounds. To enhance
the glory of this garment youll receive a golden Correction
Cummerbund, embroidered with silken threads of many colors. And a
white Correction Cape similar to the cape worn by Popes. Included in
this Punitive Priest Wardrobe is an ornamental jeweled Paddle Pendant,
crafted of black ebony set with real rubies (believe that by faith). Red
satin slippers are also included in your priestly wardrobe (Please
specify size).
Also included in our Deluxe Discipline Deal is our Paddle Prayer
Shrine, which you can install on any shelf. Its carved out of petrified
soapstone and inscribed with the words: The Way to Heaven is a
Paddleboat.. The Paddle Prayer Shrine includes a golden rack to
proudly display your paddle. Along its length are eight niches for
sulfur-scented Correction Candles, which are also included. This will
enhance the worship aspect of your childs woodshed experience.
Also included in your bonus package is our patented Misery
Monitor, a digital sensor which picks up pain vibes in the room and
measures the intensity of that pain, so youll know if youre hitting
hard enough.
To help comfort your child after the spanking, well throw in a few
Speedy Spankster Adventure Comics for older children, and Woody
Woodshed coloring books for smaller kids.
Also included in our Deluxe Discipline Deal is a free box of Tough
Love Tissues, a Daddys Discipline Diary, and a digital 5-minute
Tantrum Timer. When your kid starts crying, hand him the Tough Love
Tissues. Each tissue has a spanking Proverb printed on it to remind
him that real religion hurts. After the spanking, immediately start the
Tantrum Timer. If hes still blubbering, or even whimpering, when the
timer goes off, wear him out all over again till he quits. Record each
spanking in Daddys Discipline Diary, then proudly hang your paddle on
your Paddle Prayer Shrine to show all your church pals that youre
saving your sons soul from hell harder than anybody else.
Once the pain is past, dont forget to recite a selection from
Prayers for the Paddled Child. These inspirational, poetic prayers will
help you instill in your child a healthy sense of his or her own
sinfulness and worthlessness in the sight of Almighty God. The less
your children think theyre worth, the less often theyll voice an
annoying opinion or have much to say about anything. That helps
keep the atmosphere of your home peaceful. Children should be seen
and not heard.

What pride your child will take in carving his initials in this splendid
paddle, to testify to the whole world how lovingly you chasten him to
reform his bad behavior.
So why are we supposed to be so severe with our children even if
we go easy on ourselves? I have already established that childhood is
to the Old Testament what adulthood is to the New. So it follows that
childhood is the time for judgment to rejoice over mercy. Every mama
cat cuffs her kittens when theyre little so she wont have to scratch
them when theyre full grown. Spanking teaches children that ALL
debts must be paid in full, and it hurts to pay. Instill this attitude in
your kids and theyll blossom into mature, responsible adults who
wont run up big credit card bills because youve made them too
scared to owe anyone anything.
Sometimes money is involved in satisfying your demand for justice
for the sin your child has committed against you, not just the
mandatory spanking which is to be inflicted for all transgressions great
or small. Just like a criminal might do jail time PLUS pay a hefty fine.
If your kid helps wash the dishes and smashes a plate, EVEN IF ITS
ACCIDENTAL, you are to whip off your belt or bring Woody Woodshed
out of the closet. First perform the spanking ritual, where you first
explain what the spankings for, then inflict the pain, then lead the
child in a prayer to ask Jesus to forgive them for breaking the butter
dish, or whatever the item was. Then once the tears are over and you
make the child hug you and say they love you, go back into the
kitchen. Order the kid to clean up his mess. If the child is too little to
handle broken glass, you might have to order an older kid to do that
for him. Finally, you need to appraise the value of the broken item.
Multiply its value by seven, because Proverbs 6:31 states that a thief
has to pay back seven times the value of a stolen item, plus all the
stuff in his house. Some might argue that an accident is not the same
as a theft. But when your child acts careless with your stuff, hes
stealing it from you!
His punishment? First, in keeping with Proverbs 6:31, take all the
unneeded luxuries out of his bedroom and sell them at a yard sale or
EBay to compensate you for the broken dish. If it was a very costly
item, also withhold his allowance until the debt is satisfied. And
incidentally, you should never pay an allowance to any child who hasnt
earned it first. Assign the child the dirtiest drudgery duties around the
house, according to his age and ability. Even if hes eighty years old
before the debt is paid, dont go easy on him. If your child doesnt get
an allowance, and selling all his toys isnt enough to clear his debt,
assign extra chores around the home to perform unpaid till hes all
paid up. Even if that takes a few years. Sorry, but forgive us our
debts a la Matthew 6:12 is not applicable to kids. Only adults merit

such mercy because theyve earned it just by enduring so many years

on this miserable planet.
Thats the reason you wouldnt paddle a pastor who got caught in
bed with the deacons wife, or got caught buying a boat with loose
change from the church missionary fund. By reason of his highly
exalted office, a church leader benefits from I Tim.5:1, which
commands Christians to condone the sins of their superiors. Even if he
ends up being a preacher, your child wont earn a Get Out of Jail Free
Card till he gets his rump roasted a few thousand times in the
Woodshed.
As you administer the Spanking Sacrament, dont worry about
what Christ said about how only the merciful would be shown mercy.
Christ was speaking to full-grown men when He said that. Youre
protected by your priestly office as head of your home. Eli the high
priest may have been a sleazebag who stole Gods offerings, but he
was primarily punished by God because he didnt crack down hard
enough on his sons for their sins.
Because God knows your motives are pure, He will still be merciful
to YOU even if you fall short of His expectations. The Golden Rule of
Do Unto Others as Youd Have Them Do Unto You only applies to
your own peer group, not to children who owe their very existence to
you because you, the parent, work like a mule to provide for them so
they dont starve to death. Love thy neighbor as thyself. But your
children are NOT your neighbors. So you do NOT have to cut your kids
the same slack as youd do for yourself when making allowances for
your own petty peccadilloes. Your kids are subordinates subject to your
will, for you are Gods earthly representative in their lives. FOR ALL
PRACTICAL PURPOSES, YOU ARE GOD TO THEM! Just like a Marine drill
sergeant is the ONLY god in the life of raw recruits.
God knows that you, as a full-grown adult, deserve more dignified
treatment and leeway in making mistakes than your child, who ranks
lower on the totem pole in your home. Especially if youre a male
parent, God has conferred a priestly prestige upon you which grants
you the same immunity to cruel and unusual punishment as the
President of the United States. For the duration of his term in office,
our President is immune from prosecution in a court of law. All other
U.S. citizens must answer for any crimes they commit, especially poor
folks who lack status in society and cant buy their way out of a jam.
It is a fearful responsibility to be a small child in a fundamentalist
family, and woe unto any child who does not measure up to it!
Some wonder why I emphasize that it is the father of the family
who is crowned with honor and prestige as priest of the home, rather
than the mother. Eve was the first sinner on earth, so the woman is
subject to the husband. The mother of the family derives her limited

authority from her husband. If the father isnt home to beat the kids,
she can dig her wooden spoon out of the kitchen drawer so she can fan
their fannies before Daddy gets home. That way, the kids wont flee
from their dad like Frankenstein when he calls Honey, Im home!
The wife herself is under subjection to her husbands priestly
authority. Even to the extent of being love-tapped herself if she
doesnt show him the proper reverence. The husbands judgments on
all matters should NEVER be questioned. His decision is final. If the
womans spiritual head turns out to be a spiritual headache, tough
luck. She chose that dude, so shell have to live with whatever he
decides to dish out. God may be no respecter of persons, but even He
is bound to respect authority and uphold it in heaven and on earth.
Brother Bobcat grinned. Donelle knows whos got the right to
order her around. If I tell her to git outa the sack at 5 a.m. and hop on
her exercise bike, shell yell Yes, sir! and pedal it 20 miles. Then
shell do a hundred reps on her ab cruncher machine before she swims
forty laps in our Olympic pool. She dont eat her Fitness Flakes
without burnin em off first. That woman has to earn the diamonds I
buy her, cause she saw what happened to the last woman who let me
down.
Bathroom break! Bobcat barked. Be back here in ten minutes.
GO!