4-MAT REVIEW: HAWKINS Strengthening Marital Intimacy

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A Paper Presented to Dr. Eric Scalise Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary

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In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Course PACO 603 Premarital and Marital Counseling

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by Peter Heikkinen February 3, 2013

Summery Ronald Hawkins book Strengthening Marital Intimacy is based on God having a design and purpose for marriage as we see in the creation account. A man and a woman are made for companionship and oneness with individuality (Hawkins 1991, 12). The fall of man and Satans reign then has set out to place a divide between Gods plans for marriage and build a rift between the marriage relationship that only in Christ, commitment to unity and individuality can bring back into alignment with Gods design (Hawkins, 15-16). This ultimate design has a three-aspect approach of individuality and unity, God, man and woman. Man and woman in their unique individuality and unity to each other and God with his authority, care, and love allow the marriage relationship to strive for what God intended it be (15). The intent of the book to show how to regain the intimacy and uniqueness of marriage as God intended it to be. The first part in cutting Satans wedge from marriages is in intimacy. Intimacy requires a couple to be spiritually connected in worship and devotion to God. Intimacy in spirituality will pray together read together seek God together for the purpose of growth and strength. Couples need emotional intellectual sharing in intimacy. Intellectually sharing ideas or communicating is intimacy to know someone requires listening, questioning, finding out who they are by hearing what they say believe and respond. Physical intimacy is the final aspect of intimacy needed to return to a God given marriage ideal. Physically sex and fidelity are the beautiful pleasure of true covenant intimacy (24-25. Intimacy and returning to a God given marriage ideal ultimately requires commitment. Unconditional commitment to each others needs, growth, and the covenant of marriage, with God a central part brings marriage back to its original intention. This commitment through is

intentional, for the spouses well-being. It involves fidelity physically, mentally and emotionally to your spouse Commitment to each other is displayed best in the communication couples have. To know the wants, desires, and needs of your spouse shows the commitment you have in listening to them to understand and be there for them. This commitment in turn shows love forgiveness and repentance the ability to admit wrong or forgive wrong that has been done to you is a healthy marriage (34-41). To be united as a couple in seeking after wisdom from God is key for a healthy marriage. God reveals wisdom from above that if sought out decisions and reactions to each other and life gives a true happiness and success. Wisdom is found in Christ and being his disciples in marriage gives freedom to and true joy to marriage (51). Marriage is also about companionship just as God created Eve to be a companion and helpmate for him if we as couples are not seeking after being companions then marriage is not going to be successful. Companion means we must share our life our work our passion with our spouse this means time. Time and effort in being together in life as it comes at you in good or bad that is companionship and that is a vital ingredient in healthy marriages (123). There is pitfalls and sidetracks to intimacy commitment that are there to keep marriages from becoming as God intended them to be. Indifference to your spouses needs, desires, and growth is a way Satan stops marriages. This can come from a wrong image of your spouse or an inaccurate image of yourself but not seeing your spouse in the right image causes the lack of ability to see how you can help them and nourish them (15-16). Not having clear roles and expectations are damaging to marriages as well. To know what your spouse expects of you in situations or act, from his or her experiences and life examples can cause great rifts in hurt feelings without even knowing that something has happened (41;112). A lack of trust is a big
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issue in intimacy one cannot move past accusing and really feel secure then Satan has put a decisive wedge in the marriage (26). Satan can find a wedge that divides marriages anywhere but being intimate, and having companionship that is seeking God and is committed to each other is the best way to fight off being divided (124). God intends a marriage to be two individuals coming together in all their uniqueness that they have and becoming one. With intimacy, wisdom, commitment and God at the center Dr. Hawkins suggests that a healthy marriage is possible. Concrete Response Hawkins mentions the devastation of not having clear expectations and roles can have on a marriage (41). This has been true in my marriage. My wife expects to receive love in actions of service to her and spontaneous romance. To do the dishes for her or to bring home flowers to surprise her is love to her. My expectation of love was modeled quite differently, for me love was providing stability, giving of myself in working towards financial, and future stability. This was tempered with taking time each day to be with and talk with each other. For me showing love was having a good job and working hard at providing a future, stability, and spending time together talking and having quality time. This difference led to quarrels (and still do at times) that sound like this: (Wife) You do not really care about me if you did you would do more around here to help me, or you would buy me flowers but you never do, you just want to talk and be together. (Me) Well you do not care either because you never want to spend time together and talk or figure stuff out. You think that I do not care, I am busting my butt trying to provide a future and have some security for us by working. We both love each other, both are trying to show the other that we care but it is not

easy to break the mold that was taught us, even now after nine years of marriage there are difficulties in our expectations for showing love. Reflection Within the section on commitment, three aspects seem to be in need of more research and development in my marriage. First, being committed to fulfilling one anothers needs second, commitment to the personal growth of your partner, and third, clarify roles and expectations (41). The ability to fulfill what we think each others needs are great but we do not always actually figure out the real need just what we think it is. Communication and opening up would help in this but ultimately I need to really look listen and hear what she needs from me better. As I am in school and working full time my personal growth is always a matter of discussion in our marriage but at times my wife has been the glue that binds the family together but is overlooked in her personal growth. To figure out and learn more on how to grow my wifes gifts and talents is something that needs to be return to her for sacrificing for our family. As mentioned earlier our parents modeled to us each very different ways of showing love and therefore our expectations of each others roles are in need of better understanding. Breaking those learned traits is not easy we can consciously move in the right direction but when stress hits we fall back to what we know. Our needs, growth, and expectations are what would seem when life gets busy is what lacks the attention and what we need to devote more attention and research too. Application The area in most need of my addressing is in supporting and encouraging my wifes personal growth. My career and my education have taken center stage for too long while my wife has taken the supporting role to the kids and me. Her talents and abilities for leadership and her
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heart for service must be an important for me to help her build. The first step in doing this is to devote more opportunities for her lead and serve others in her current context. This requires me to give help her with the kids more on her meeting days so she can stay later and help the women she is with. To give the ability to have more studies and meetings at our house despite my school and work schedule. To free up my daily schedule to allow her the ability to daily do more for the ladies in her groups rather than my schedule dictate her availability. I need to by valuing her abilities and giving her more opportunities to serve and lead let her develop her amazing gifts.