THE GOLDDIGGER

The student hands of the Colorado School of Mimes

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Volume 92, Issue 21 April 1, 2013
EVAN MICHAEL THOMAS FORD / OREDIGGER

News

Kim Jong Un eats his way into South Korea

Features 6

Clever Dill!

Amazing van tile Mountain gone!

Evan Michael Thomas Ford
This week, the Van Tuyl Lecture deviated from its usual geologic subject matter. Attendees were treated to an in-depth analysis of modern, innovative lower surface material renovation for smallscale passenger transportation vehicles. The special edition Van Tuyl Van Tile lecture concerned the dynamics of design and implementation of tile flooring in vans. Honored guest-lecturer and worldrenowned van enthusiast Tony Kornheiser wowed the audience with enthusiasm and professional grade pyrotechnics. Traditionally, colorful shag carpeting adorns the interiors of vans. Extensive research surrounding reactions to this flooring material suggests that nearly all demographics are repulsed and/or frightened when met with imagery or folklore regarding vans with unsightly carpeting. Kornheiser quoted an anonymous survey taker: I threw up in my mouth a little. As a child, Kornheiser was fascinated with the exterior grandeur and beauty of full-sized vans, but was always disappointed upon entering them. The sleek, graceful exterior of vans, sometimes embellished with mystical and inspired murals really transports me into a state of relaxation and bliss, said Kornheiser. However, the atrocious interior of vans, which almost always contain shag carpeting, disrupts this tranquil state of being. Research conducted at the University of Maryland University College suggests that shag carpeting is a breeding ground for dangerous infectious bacteria and fungi. Kornheiser quoted the study as he said, The foul stenches in most vans are commonly due to various strains of the fungus mycorrhizae, which thrives on the enigmatic gooch particles present in shag carpeting. Mycorrhizae has been associated with the origins of several devastating diseases and illnesses such as SARS, tuberculosis, cholera, and Hepatitis E. Not only is shag carpeting tacky, but it also poses real and serious health risks. Displeased with the current state of affairs, Kornheiser sought a way to embrace the elegance of vans, yet avoid the negative side effects of shag carpeting. After months of study and meditation in a Shaolin Monastery in Beaver Lick, Kentucky, I stumbled upon the epiphany I was so desperately seeking. Whilst working with fellow monks declawing orphaned badgers, I discovered the solution, he said. The simple solution was the removal of carpeting in vans all together. Kornheiser was going to install high quality tiling in vans. Upon the announcement of his solution, the awe-inspiring pyrotechnics were unveiled.

Van expert Tony Kornheiser shares his van re-surfacing with campus. He became tired of disease-ridden shag carpeting in his van and made a change.

Sports 11

Everyones brackets are now worthless!

Opinion 12

Whats in the box?!?!?

Continued at Tiling on page 3

the City of Golden is destroying millions of years of Rocky Mountain history. South Table Mountain is well South Table Mountains time has known for its geologic mysteries, but come and gone. The Golden City it is also home to many archaeologiCouncil has now approved a plan cal sites. The Pineote Indians, who to destroy this monumental stone were most well-known for their whitlandmark. Residents of Golden tling skills, lived on the mountaintop have been complaining about South for several hundred years before Tables aesthetics for years. The boxy they were exposed to measles. The mountain blocks views of otherwise disease ravaged their already small beautiful sunrises and is a horrible numbers and the tribe died out within several years. South Table Mountain eyesore. Im surprised it wasnt gone is home to the only Pineote Indian sooner, said Jody Ramone, a long- archaeological sites. The community has a chance time resident. Its just so ugly! Over the years, many residents have pro- to appeal the councils decision. The Council will posed that South Table Mountain be destroyed, Our biggest goal is listen to the opposition on April 30 but 2013 was the first year that the Golden to make Golden a at 11:30 pm at the Golden City CounCity Council took the great place to live. cil Chambers. requests seriously. Demolition is Our biggest goal is to make Golden a great place to live, set to begin in July. Residents of the said John Doe, councilman. If that east side of Golden will be required requires us to move a mountain, then to evacuate their homes for two years while the mountain is being so be it. However, many Mines students excavated. Much of the stone will be hate to see the beloved mountain sent to various landscaping compadisappear. Its a symbol of the city, nies throughout the Rocky Mountain noted Holly Brown, I couldnt imag- region, and the city of Golden plans ine living without it. Other students to sell the newly available land to love the mountain for its recreational raise funds for more snow removal activities. I go up there every week- equipment. All recoverable artifacts end, said Joseph Krane. Its my will be sent to various museums around the country. The Colorado escape from Mines. Many geologists also frown upon State Patrol is already in the process the decision. South Table Mountain of moving their offices to downtown is rich in geologic history, said Mi- Denver and the National Renewable chael Jones, world-renowned geolo- Energy Laboratory plans to move gist. By destroying this landmark, their operations to Colorado Springs.

Emily McNair Aesthetic Detonator

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Casablanca, Morocco - The Star Wars universe may have originated from the mind of George Lucas, but it has not stayed there. Researchers in Casablanca, Morocco, have been working on a way to collect moisture from the atmosphere in North Africa. The technology has its roots in Star Wars technology used on the desert planet Tatooine. The lead scientist involved in the process has described the process as reverse electroplating, just with water instead of an ionic metal. By electrically destabilizing the molecular structure on the air surrounding the massive collector towers, they can attract the water out of the air and into the storage tanks underground. The technology has many uses across the vast stretches of desert in the Middle East and the African continent.

Josh Kleitsch, Staff Jester Transylvania, Romania - For many years, the scientific community believed that vampirism was a hoax. Last week a group of biochemists and biological engineers working under Dr. Rupert Dracula uncovered the secret of vampirism. Dracula is the descendent of the famous Count Dracula and seeks to carry on his powerful legacy through his vampire work. The group started by analyzing the remains of Count Dracula and the various people he bit throughout his long and industrious career, hoping to find a genetic indicator that would lead them to the cause of the Counts mysterious abilities. After many years of study, they discovered that the Count possessed the unearthly ability to physically alter his victims DNA. There does not appear to be any scientific explanation for how he did this, but Dracula thinks that they are only a few months work away from finding out what gave the Count his power. In the meantime, Dracula has expressed his desire to follow in the Counts glorious footsteps and has legally changed his name to Count Dracula.

Golden, Colorado - Have you ever wanted to sit back and watch your homework do itself, soaking up the information without lifting a finger? Most students have, but until recently, the mind-mapping technology to make this a reality has not been possible. Colorado School of Mines graduate students in the Physics department began working on the device about three years ago, and thanks to recent developments in neurological manipulation have been able to construct a fully functional homework machine. It works by scanning the homework, then targeting the necessary parts of the students brain to solve the problems. The device essentially teaches your mind how to do the homework without you having to struggle through the problem solving process on your own. In essence, it does your homework while teaching you how to do it yourself. The device interfaces with a master computer that loads useful information remotely, much like the system used in The Matrix to teach a user how to do Kung Fu, or fly a helicopter. The device will probably be in development for a few more years, simply due to the complexity of mapping a human brain. Students can expect to see the technology available for purchase within the next two years.

Oredigger Staff
Deborah Good Princess of Publications Katie Huckfeldt Marquess of Management Steven Wooldridge Knight of Web Barbara Anderson Grand Duchess of Design Lucy Orsi Baroness of Business Ian Mertz Earl of Editing Taylor Polodna Duke of Design Connor McDonald Squire of Web Arnaud Filliat Earl of Editing Katerina Gonzales Countess of Content Jared Riemer Count of Content Emily McNair Countess of Content Karen Gilbert Grand Vizier

Headlines from around the galaxy

Josh Kleitsch, Jazzing Journalist
North Korean president Kim Jong-un and United States president Barack Obama met for a man-date at the Melting Pot fondue restaurant in Littleton, Colorado, to discuss nuclear armament and peace in the Middle East. Oddly enough, Kim is not concerned with bombing the United States. In the meeting, he expressed interest in assisting the United States in dealing with the various threats from the Middle East. Colorado School of Mines students found a way to travel back in time last week after the keg race at Meyer Hall. They said that, if you drink enough booze, you can actually start to move backwards in time. Local scientists have pondered the cause of this phenomenon and have decided that excess alcohol causes the brain to start seeing things that happened in the past. Time does not literally slow down, but simply appears to slow down. Strange things happened in South Denver this week. The p r e s i d e n t s motorcade spontaneously showed up. According to news reports from the area, the president visited his longlost twin in Aurora. The President expressed his desire to remain anonymous, but that proved difficult considering the high-profile nature of the Secret Service. Coors Brewing in Golden, Colorado, has started selling a beer that many think is reminiscent of a strawberry daiquiri. The beer, which Coors is calling Olde Style Lambic Ale, will be roughly 12% alcohol by volume and is made using a special brewing process known as lagering. The brewing process normally requires gradually lowering the fermentation temperature, but this type of brewing requires gradually raising the fermentation temperature. The final temperature of the brewing process is close to 140 degrees Fahrenheit. Computer manufacturer Dell has released a press announcement regarding its iPhone killer phone, which they said will present a new side of smartphone computing to the world. The device is slated to have a 5-inch, 2560x1400 screen, an octo-core CPU operating at 3.6Ghz, and a wireless antenna that is reported to connect to wireless networks 2000 meters away. The phone will probably cost between $7500 and $8000 when it is released.

Local News
Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper is pushing for stronger control on vehicles in the State of Colorado. Each year, hundreds die from accidents at the hands of criminals. The measures currently proposed in the State House would limit access to the amount of gasoline a vehicle can hold, citing the supposed High Capacity Fuel Tanks as the root of the states problems. The bill aims to arbitrarily limit the fuel tank size to 15 gallons, a number no one is sure of the origin. The state is largely divided as constituents flood inboxes of representatives in both support and opposition of the bill. Opposers of the bill claim that this ban would only hurt law-abiding citizens, and criminals would simply ignore the new legislation. Data from the Colorado Department of Transportation shows that the number of accidents involving High Capacity fuel tanks in recent years has actually declined, despite what supporters claim. The governor is expected to sign the bill into law against strong opposition from Colorado citizens if passed in the state House and Senate. A local couple alerted Golden Police to a strange disturbance during the early morning hours of March 27, 2013. Officials reported the couple witnessed inebriated students debating the theories of quantum physics. The couple had just recently seen Men In Black and were spooked about the comparison between the Girl with quantum science textbooks and what they witnessed. The investigation is still ongoing.

M B Z Q Y A M P

E D C U N

M Z Q Y O

D C U E

M P B

M T

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Evan Michael Thomas Ford

Interior van tiling North Korean geese visit U.S., Mines to conquer
A 40-minute laser light show with a musical appearance from guitar legend Slash wowed the audience and nearly did Kornheisers revolutionary discovery justice. From that point on, it was a downhill ride. My team and I began gutting the interior of every van we could find and replacing the carpeting with tasteful tile design schemes, said Kornheiser. His vision had become reality. Vans were now the peaceful and resplendent sanctuaries of his dreams. Kornheiser left the audience with noble advice, which left tears in their eyes: Now vans are beautiful on the inside, which is what truly matters. Stay in school.
EVAN MICHAEL THOMAS FORD / OREDIGGER

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Chase Tyree Political Ornithologist

Everyone has seen the geese wandering around Mines Park, the intramural fields, and all over campus. These are not simple coincidences. These geese are working with North Korea and are planning to take over the United States starting with the Colorado School of Mines. Part of North Koreas agreement with the geese is that the geese will place strategic gas bombs everywhere that will slowly but surely poison the students and faculty of CSM to open the campus for North Korea to use for their diabolical plots. These bombs are fairly easy to spot. Look for small, green and white devices spread out on sidewalks and on lawns. Some have prematurely detonated and have already re- leased their poison. Students should make sure not to cover themselves in it. The Oredigger sent investigative reporter Taylor Tyree (no relation to Chase Tyree) undercover to get information from North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. After following Kim for three months, The Oredigger finally received word from Tyree. His hastily scribbled message on the back of a dumpling wrapper had this to say: All hail the great leader

Kim Jong-un, for he is the one who powerful for police to handle, the slayed the last of the Unicorns and CSM force has hired members of the set free the people Urban Gaming Club of North Korea These geese are work- (UGC) to take on the from the tyranny of responsibility to capthe great Dragon ing with North Korea ture and/or kill all of Smogalicious. We the geese on camshall honor him with and are planning to pus before their plan food, lots of food, can go into effect. buffets of food, and take over the United UGC is still looking he does not have for volunteers for the a plan to work with States starting with CGES (Canadian the Canadian Geese Geese Exterminathe Colorado School tion Squad), saying, of Colorado to take over the United Sign up today and of Mines. States of America. be part of the good He is a great leader fight. and would never brainwash evil Students and faculty of Mines American spies for his own amuse- should remember these few simple ment. Judging from the state of his rules during this time of war. First, doughy message, Tyree is in a bit of avoid stepping on the goose land a pickle, but the geese situation is mines, for it may be the last thing more important than his rescue for on which one treads. Second, make the time being. sure to keep doing physics problems As a result, Colorado School in ones mind so that the North Koof Mines police officers are tak- reans brainwashing equipment being action. Since the geese are comes non-functional. Last, never t o o accept invites from strange geese. If any of the geese gives an offer or an invite to a BBQ or a goose party, despite how fun it sounds, it will be a trap to brainwash their victims to join their evil cause. Stay safe out there, CSM. And good luck, were all counting on you.
COURTESY DICK DANIELS / WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

Tiling the interior of his van made a world of difference for Tony Kornheiser.

Hannah Max Rossi Zookeeper

Greek life becomes a literal animal house

tures, and training new zookeepers. Although this will require an abundance of time and resources, reports have confirmed that the new refuge system will be funded by the Fleeing Animal Keeper Establishment (FAKE) fund. Major alterations are set to be completed by the fall semester of 2013. In addition to construction, all rule changes made to the Greek system will be in effect starting next semester. The renaming convention will keep and modify the names of the standing houses on campus. For example, it is rumored that the Sigma Alpha Epsilon house will be renamed Sigma Alpha Epsi-lion. Further allegations say the Sigma Nu house will be called the Sigma Gnus and the Sigma Kappa house will take the name the Sigma Capybaras. Despite this new naming convention, many zookeepers have assured the public that the houses will not discriminate against any animal. The houses will shelter animals of every shape and size despite their titles. Greeks from every house are preparing for the arrival of animals from lions and cheetahs to elephants and hippopotamuses. In addition to the new names, all the houses on campus will be retrofitted to hold dozens of untamed animal refugees at any given time. Even the off-campus Sigma Gnu house is being al- ter starting May 1, 2013. Speartered to fit the needs of African heading the zookeeper training animal refugees. The first adjust- effort will be Dr. Clark Kent. Kent, ment consists of importing sev- who studied at Nontreal Univereral authentic African safari and sity in Canada, has been nationjungle plants. This is meant to ally acclaimed for his relief effort make the animals feel like they for the African animal refugees. are in their natural habitat. Greek Im really looking forward to faofficials claim that the fire-alarm cilitating the training, and Im glad sprinklers will periodically shower to be able to contribute to the efthe animals in the fort, Kent said. tropical African Greek officials claim The training will forest zones. The start late May and that the fire-alarm houses will even continue through be heated to simAugust, when the sprinklers will peri- largest migration ulate the savannah weather of in United States odically shower the history is exsouthern Africa. The main issue to occur. animals in the tropical pected when building the Current Greek animals natural African forest zones. members are fillhabitats is trying ing the roles of to match the vast grounds keepers diversity of the African climate and for their houses. These habitats geography, Faux said. Scientists will take a lot of maintaining, but I and zoologists are making every encourage the Greek members to effort to ensure the animals do apply to be zookeepers. Ill need not feel imprisoned, but instead as many people who know the feel welcome in their new homes. territory as possible, Kent said. Tall grass will make up the floor in Zookeeper training is meant to the majority of the Sigma Capy- be a very rigorous process. Howbara house, where construction ever, Kent said that the last month has already commenced. While of training will be spent dressing animals will not be permitted in the new keepers. Traditional sathe house until next semester, fari guide clothes will be the new zookeeper training will start early dress code for the newly instated this summer. guardians. I still encourage them The zookeepers will accept to wear loincloths to promote reapplications in the Student Cen- spect from the wild animals, but

Rising migration of wild African safari and jungle animals to the western United States has increasingly burdened zookeepers in America for the past ten years. This is a real problem these days, said zoologist Dr. Bob Faux. Most parents see this as an opportunity to get their families a pet lion, but this has contributed to the over-domestication of lions in America. Enter the Colorado School of Mines. According to recent reports, the Greek establishment at Mines will be altered forever starting in the fall semester of 2013. Several Greek figureheads have confirmed that the rechristened system will consist entirely of wild animal shelters and zookeepers. Many Greek campuses around the nation have already made the transition from the ancient traditions of Greek life to the new and alternative way of animal-keeping to help the zoo relief efforts. Mines has been, as with many trends, behind the modern times on this issue. All of that will change next fall. The adjustment to zookeeping will be a swift and rigorous process. This transition consists of three steps: renaming the Greek houses, refurbishing the struc-

that violated tons of school rules. Tarzan has always been one of my heroes, he said. Many parents of current Mines students are worried about the safety of their children with wild animals on campus, but Faux put their worries to rest. Would you rather have the animals roaming the streets or in the Greek houses with trained zookepers? he said. Many Greek members dismiss the safety issue out of excitement for the incoming animals. Sophomore Sigma Capybara Colin Marshall shared her enthusiasm for the cause. Im super excited, especially for the elephants. I bet their trunks make really good night time companions, she said. Several other Greek members have showed their support by volunteering on the Sigma Capybara construction site. Despite the great efforts, Greek street still has a long way to go in the months ahead. The adjustment from Greek house to zoo house may seem like a big step to take place over one summer, but it is a step many Mines officials are eager to make for the sake of the wild refugees. Several Greek establishments across the nation have already made the change to help the relief efforts and now Mines can count itself one among the prestigious zookeeper campuses in America.

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LAIS invasion afflicts Claudius Pendleton

Ian Mertz Liberal Arts Investigator
Claudius Pendleton was pretty much your average mime attending the Colorado School of Mimes. Twenty years old and not a single word had escaped him since he discovered the art of miming at thirteen years old, a fact his parents barely hesitated to brag about to anyone who would watch, for they too were great mimes. Most people could talk and many engaged in conversations using only words but Claudius could not afford the distraction. He had work to do, especially if he was going to earn the title, The Great Hand, a.k.a. greatest mime of all time! Like any other mime in training, Claudius attended classes ranging from the ethics of miming to basic miming classes, which included Makeup I and II and the dreaded weed out class Physical Miming III. Today he only had Modern Miming lab, which was his smallest class. As the professor demonstrated a wide array of techniques, Claudius just stared from behind his large, round blue eyes. The sounds of pencils scratching against paper seemed like violent explosions in the silent lecture halls. The heat circulating through the room lulled him to sleep. It was only when he opened his eyes again did he realize the whole class was staring at him, including the professor who looked on in approval. Before the professor could go on, the sharp clang of the bell signaled the end of class and everyone rose silently to shuffle out of the room. Throughout the hallways, graduating seniors were showing off the results of their capstone projects. One guy appeared to be imitating the waltz but really it looked like he was hopping around a pit of lava hoping to avoid taking one wrong step. As Claudius exited Meyer Hall, he almost groaned from the bright sun shining on his face. He ran for the cover of several trees to his right. Settling in under the shade, Claudius looked up at the mimes hand symbol on Mt. Zion. Across the field, other students were mingling, smiling and laughing. Thats when she caught his eye. She was as pretty as silk shining in the light. Her straight black hair was tied into a high ponytail that swished and swayed with her every move. She was imitating a fish gangling on a hook. The group around her roared with laughter. Yeah right, Claud, like Mara would ever go for you. As if shed heard his thoughts, she looked over, smiled and waved. Claudius turned around but saw no one around him. When he looked back, the girl was gone. His smile faded. Just as well. His miming was dismal at best. Knowing his luck, hed try to imitate a dashing gentleman and end up flopping around like a fish out of water. He sighed as he stood and headed home. Later that night as he took off his miming mask, he settled into bed with some homework and drifted off to sleep. Beep beep beep The strange noise penetrated the darkness of sleep. Claudius rolled over, hoping the noise would go away. Dude, turn it off already. Claudius jumped from the voice. A sharp knocking sound came from his door. Rubbing the last of sleep from his eyes, he reached over and shut off the alarm on his phone. He jumped from the bed, almost gasping as his book made a thud as it hit the ground. Opening the door, his roommate Fred stood with his arms crossed. Seriously Claud, I dont know how you sleep through that. Claudius held up a hand but Fred had turned and disappeared into his room. Brow furrowed, Claudius closed the door and turned back to his disheveled room. He picked up the book that had fallen to the floor and turned to throw it onto his desk when its title caught his eye. What in the world was calculus and more importantly what was it doing in his bedroom. He dropped to his hands and knees, picking up the variety of textbooks. Instead of the usual miming classics he found books filled with strange symbols and equations. What was he doing with books on dynamics and what did that have to do with fluids? A strange confused sound came from his throat as book after book was clearly related to science and engineering. He ran to the bathroom, splashing water on his face. When he looked up his hair was slightly longer and his eyes appeared sunken into his face, casting a small shadow across his face. His hands groped the counter for his mask makeup but instead found a razor and a half-squeezed tube of toothpaste. Going through all the bathroom drawers revealed nothing. His heart sunk straight to his feet. It took him three weeks to save up for the stuff and he had his final presentation in a few days. His throat tightened and he fought the nausea in his stomach. He looked up at the clock, realizing he was already late. Jumping into the shower, he decided to search his apartment later. The people on the bus were less talkative than usual, which was quite the relief on Claudius pounding headache. Lost in thoughts he turned his gaze to the mountains passing by. Impossible! The makeup, even the books, he could understand but thisthis He turned to the person sitting next to him, tapping the man gently on the shoulder. When the man turned with a scowl, Claudius pointed to the strange symbol on the mountain. A large white M stood in the place of the mimes hand. Yeah, its the M. What about it? When Claudius didnt answer, the man rolled his eyes and moved to a different seat. Who could have done such a thing? It must have been the hippy mimes. Claudius hoped that when he got to campus all would be normal again. Alas, his day would take a turn for the weird and strange. When he got off the bus, he ran to the schools welcome sign. Printed in large black letters were the words Welcome to the Colorado School of Mines. Colorado School of Mines?! Like Miners? Miners?! That would certainly explain the engineering books. As he walked to his normal spot on Kafadar, he noticed everyones nose was buried in a textbook. No one was talking. He kept his head down in thought as he walked over to his normal spot. Claud! Claudius looked up and was struck dumb. From across the field Mara was running towards him. He smiled, although confused. How does she know my name? Claud, thank God youre here! She paused to catch her breath. The schools declared a state of emergency. A group of people called the LAIS have invaded campus and stolen the source of electricity! Already the internet has starved and gone into a dire coma. Claudius stared not sure how to respond. Mara continued, breathless. Look! Without the internet, all the engineers and scientists are losing their powers! Sure enough, when Claudius looked around, all the students appeared to be losing their energy. One student sat despondent as he kept pressing the power button on his calculator in the hopes it would finally turn on. A small rumble shook the ground. On the other side of Kafadar, the doors to Stratton Hall swung open. Four figures in proper mime attire emerged from the blinding white light and marched toward the center of the field. Claudius started walking forward to meet them. He could feel the students look up in curiosity as he passed. A surge of power bubbled inside his stomach. All his years of mime school at the forefront of his mind, he soon found himself standing face to face with the Great Hand and his disciples. Claudius Pendleton. He knows my name! Claudius nodded, brought his hands above his head to symbolize a light bulb and gestured to the lethargic students who looked on. So you are their champion? Three tests to pass before we shall give up our prize. The first and second Claudius blew through with ease. Claudius felt himself standing a bit taller, especially when he heard the student cheering. Only one more test and he would be their hero. The Great Hand looked displeased for a moment but then smiled. Speak. Oh no. Speak, Claudius Pendleton. The cheering became louder. ClaudiusClaudius Claudius eyes began to feel heavy as if he was in between being asleep and awake. His head bobbed from fatigue. As he opened his mouth, willing the words to come out, Claudius felt his head smash into a desk. Small bursts of laughter and an awkward silence fell onto the classroom. Claudius opened his eyes to see all the students and the professors eyes on him. The professor shut the textbook. I think well wrap things up here today. See you all on Monday. Have a happy miming weekend everyone! Claudius looked down at his gloved hands and looked into a nearby mirror to see his familiar masked face. On the desk his notes on Modern Miming were cut short and a line trailed the rest of the page where he had fallen asleep. Sleep?! I was asleep! A nightmare. When he looked up, Mara stood in front of him. She wore a simple black mimes shirt and a shy smile. She reached into her bag and pulled out two aspirin. Claudius held his breath, resisting the urge to pinch his arm to check if this was a dream. Thank you. His voice was hoarse. Looked like an interesting dream. Claudius nodded. The school was called the Colorado School of Mines, not mimes. Mara gave a short chuckle. Isnt it funny when people confuse the name of our school? I got that all the time when I applied here.

Mythical creatures attack Mines students

Emily McNair Mythical Creature Expert
A dragon has taken up residence on the Colorado School of Mines campus. The 20-foot beast began appearing in mid-March, but no credible sightings have been reported until recently. Last week, the dragon circled campus for an hour before landing on Kafadar. At first, I couldnt believe it, said Katy Schneider, one of the hundreds that witnessed the event. I didnt think dragons actually existed. Several witnesses called Public Safety, who had no idea what to do with the beast. This is unheard of, said Deputy Jack Haley. Were prepared to deal with a lot of situations, but this was a first. The officers eventually used Blaster to lure the dragon away. The burro was not harmed in the process, but the officers hope that they can come to a better solution in case this situation occurs again. They are asking students for suggestions on how to deal with the attraction, sort of like the Loch Ness beast. Id kill him, said Elizabeth Monster, said Julia Schmidt, public Frank, a self-proclaimed profession- relations chair of SDP. However, recent events may al dragon slayer. She had several encounters with the beast, most change the opinions of SDP. Magronotably in Steinhauer Field House. gan, the coalitions self-appointed The dragon took up residence in the president, recently went missing. building, preventing Frank from get- He was last seen at 11:00 pm ting her exercise. He attacked me Monday night along Maple Street, presumably headed anytime I stepped onto the track, she We shouldnt kill towards the dragons lair in Steinhauer Field said. When asked the dragon, said House. Public Safety how she would kill that the dragthe dragon, Frank Will Magrogan. I believes on ate Magrogan. said, Big boom... reIn some ways, its ally, really big boom. like him. He isnt not surprising, said Other students suggested that Pub- hurting us, so why his distraught girlfriend when she heard the lic Safety leave the news. When I first dragon alone. We should we hurt heard about the dragshouldnt kill the him? on on campus, I figdragon, said Will ured Will would be the Magrogan. I like him. He isnt hurting us, so why first to go check it out. I just never should we hurt him? A coalition thought... that this would happen. of students calling themselves Stu- He didnt deserve this! Public Safety has closed off dents for Dragon Protection (SDP) assembled on Kafadar yesterday to the area around Steinhauer Field explain how the dragon was actual- House, Volk Gymnasium, and Coolly good for Golden. Hed be a great baugh Hall, declaring the area too dangerous to enter. PA classes have been cancelled and chemistry classes have been moved to Ber-

thoud until further notice. Students have been urged to avoid the dragon at all costs.
COURTESY LIFTARN / WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

The previously thought mythical dragon interrupted classes this week.

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Mass dragon-icide claims lives of Mines newspaper staff in terrible accident

Anonymous P.O.d Mines Student Anti-Dragon Activist
current issue of the newspaper. They were preparing to send off the completed issue to the printers for delivery Monday morning. Last week, a group of ColoThe gang was getting hungry rado School of Mines students and the editor-in-chief, Deborah witnessed the gruesome and in- Good, decided that she would conceivable deaths of the entire take a quick trip to King Soopers Oredigger newsto pick up a box As Good exited the of donuts and paper staff in what appears to be the some soda for largest mass dragon Student Center into the layout team. killing in Mines hisshe left, a the courtyard behind As tory. The situation silent shadow was as strange as it moved out the building, she was improbable, acfrom behind the cording to one of the sensed an ominous desk in editorstudents that was on in-chief office. the scene. presence behind her, The shadows What follows is stealth allowed the detailed account though she still could it to travel of the murders of the through the editor in chief, the not hear the dragon. hallways of the content managers, Student Activiand the layout and business team ties office and remain undetected of the Oredigger newspaper. All as it followed Good, sniffing the the facts are true, but names have ground and making disturbing been changed to protect the in- squeaks along the way. It was nocent. shocking that a dragon could be The incident occurred on the so undetectable. Generally, they night of March 31, 2013. It was are thought to be large, loud creaa dark and stormy night, charac- tures, but this one had taken an teristic of many nights in the quiet animal tracking course and was neighborhoods surrounding the therefore silent. Colorado School of Mines. This As Good exited the Student group of writers and newspaper Center into the courtyard behind folk saw no indication that any- the building, she sensed an omithing about this particular evening nous presence behind her, though would be out of the ordinary. The she still could not hear the dragon. group was hard at work in the Her female intuition had tipped her newspaper office, laying out the off to her stalkers presence, but it was too late. The mysterious creaAfter 13 minutes and 12 secture opened its snout to greet the onds, Arnaud Filliat, the assistant editor-in-chief. Sadly, Good did copy editor, decided he would not speak dragon and assumed head out to the courtyard to see if the creature was attacking her. Huckfeldt was okay. She was only She passed out before she even supposed to be gone for a few had time to scream. The dragon minutes, and its been much more forgot its fire breath and attempt- than that, he said. He walked out ed to give Good mouth-to-mouth. the door and started wandering This was the final straw, as she around the courtyard, calling for suffered severe lung burns. Huckfeldt. Having no indication Back inside the office, the of what happened to either of the former editor-in-chief, Katherine other staff members, he continued Huckfeldt, suddenly felt the urge walking around. With a suddento take a walk in the courtyard. ness and speed that would shake Ill just be out for a few minutes, the nerves of any man, the dragon guys, she said, and walked out caught Filliat by the throat, wanting the back door. What she found to explain himself. However, the shocked her to dragon did not know Unfortunately, the core. A freshits own strength and man in metallurgy Filliat was instantly Huckfeldt had the killed. just happened to be watching The rest of the from Randall sec- powers of deduction staff became very ond, and he said It had the dragon lacked suspicious. that The look of been over 45 minshock on her face and was aware that utes since Good left, nearly made me and she should have wet my pants. I dragon mouth-to- returned by now. Adcould see a soulditionally, they were ripping scream in mouth could end only concerned about her eyes, but she Huckfeldt and Filliats in tragedy. was so terrified absence. They dethat she couldnt cided that they would make a sound. I didnt see what head out to the parking lot and see she saw, but just the look on her if they could find the three missface scared me. Unfortunately, ing Editorial Board members. They Huckfeldt had the powers of de- guessed that something terrible duction the dragon lacked and must have happened to them. Litwas aware that dragon mouth-to- tle did they know that they would mouth could end only in tragedy. never again hear the sound of

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CIA hires Worm

Ramiro Rodriguez Espionage Expert
Declassified CIA files have been released that indicate retired Hall of Fame basketball player Dennis The Worm Rodman is or was a CIA spy planted in North Korea to gain the trust of Kim Jung-un. The papers suggest Rodmans goal was to assess Kims motives and determine whether or not North Korea posed a threat to the United States. Rodman gained attention in the states after declaring Kim Jungun his friend-for-life as well as his biffel, a term with a meaning that eludes the nation. While this originally garnered negative publicity for Rodman, culminating in him being thrown out of a hotel for claiming the North Korean dictator was a really awesome guy, in the last month Rodman has revealed some stunning information. He did this not through the stealthy dissemination of information that the CIA is known for, but through blurting out secrets much in the same way one accidentally reveals pregnancies or affairs or that Kim has a daughter who he has been keeping a secret. In addition to this, Rodman appears to have traded the knowledge he used to once lead the league in rebounds for the names of the merchants supplying North Korea with fissile material. Despite the oddly rapid declassification of what has been dubbed Operation Rebound Forward, as well as the large amount of media

Goods voice or the dulcet tones of the League of Legends narrator as Arnaud played the game in the newspaper office for hours on end. When they opened the door, the mere sight of the horrors turned them into stone. There was the body of Good, the first to go, squashed under a dragon. Next to her was Huckfeldt, collapsed in a pile of dragon spittle. The last in the horrific display was Filliat, sprawled pathetically. His throat was encrusted with diamonds and he wore the look of Smeagol when he realized his Precious was gone. The sight was too much to bear. The rest of the staff died right then and there when their hearts simultaneously stopped beating. Frozen where they stood, The Oredigger staff had finished their last newspaper. It was a grim, horrific day. The campus is unsure how it will continue without its much-beloved weekly publication. Without The Oredigger, dissemination of information about the latest video games will become nearly impossible, crippling half of all social interaction on campus. There is currently an ongoing investigation by the Golden Police Department to discover the true identity of the killer and his whereabouts, but to date they have uncovered nothing of use. If you have any information regarding the death of these beloved nerds, please call 1-800-FOOLEDU.

COURTESY ST LORENZ CHURCH / WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

coverage regarding statements made by Rodman, he and Kim still appear to be biffels, and Rodman has been appointed chief ambassador to North Korea. He had the following to say about the North Korean situation: North Korea isnt so different from other countries. Well of course he wants nuclear weapons, hes frightened by everyone else having them. Hes not really that bad of a guy, the whole gulag thing was just a huge misunderstanding, and Im not apologizing for him because there is nothing to apologize for. Hes a really awesome guy who the world just doesnt understand. Rodman recommends that President Barack Obama sit down with Kim and bond over their mutual enjoyment of basketball to begin talks of peace. Rodman has claimed this is all Kim wants in order to forge a relationship between the United States and North Korea. Operation Rebound Forward appears to be winding down temporarily however, as Rodman has rushed over to Vatican City to hang out with the new pope in what could possibly be an effort to help solidify the sovereignty of the Falkland Islands from Argentina who does not currently acknowledge the Falklands to be separate from Argentina, or possibly to uncover secrets hidden away behind the vaults of the Vatican. All that is known at the moment is that Rodman plans to vacation with Kim during the summer to solidify his newly offered title of Supreme Minister of Athletics and Sport.

Though the dragon just wanted to be friends with The Oredigger staff, as St. Martha was with this Tarasque, its insufficient knowledge of human frailty caused the day to end in tragedy.

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Katerina Gonzales Contempt Manager

Faculty Spotlight: WolframAlpha

immense power, Alpha keeps a humble attitude. When asked if he was better than Google, Alpha said, Give it a test drive and let us know what you think! as he wants students to decide for themselves which is better in different situations. Alpha is very dedicated to students, and its easy to see that he genuinely cares. So many students have run crying to Alpha at 3 am., but calmly he disperses his computational knowledge. I do indeed care about many things, most importantly data, computation, and my users. You can explore my many areas of interest by asking for examples. When told how much he means to the students, Alpha replied, How nice. Be assured the feeling is mutual. He does understand that students get frustrated and that he is not a favorite among all Mines students, saying, Im so sorry. I like all humans. (Even ones who dont like me.) When asked about his lesserliked but much older TA and sister, Alpha said, Mathematica is an all-in-one computation and visualization system, development environment, and deployment engine. It is used across diverse technical fields, including engineering, science, and financial analysis. Of course, even faculty need their outlets and hobbies. I like to explore the computational universe, Alpha said of his spare time. His favorite color is orange and he does know the muffin man.
COURTESY WOLFRAMALPHA

f e a t u r e s

april 1, 2013

Since his inception, WolframAlpha, or Alpha for short, has been a favorite professor among students at the Colorado School of Mines. Alpha has become a go-to guy for solving tough derivatives, plotting weird functions, doing Laplace transforms, and even doing simple arithmetic when TI-84 was not available during her office hours. Im especially talented at computational knowledge, said WolframAlpha. Alpha was born May 18, 2009 in Champaign, Illinois to his father, Stephen Wolfram. His desire to help people with computation was instilled in him before he was born (using 16 million lines of code). He went to school by doing computation for the world and continues to do so. As he has gotten older and wiser, he has also become a mentor, giving great advice on many subjects. WolframAlpha currently resides on the internet, but does not like to be treated as if I were just a search engine. Despite his

Fat free vegan Monster Tacos

Ramiro Rodriguez Staph Writer
Ingredients: 1 frozen pepperoni pizza 3 pounds ground beef head of lettuce 5 onions 2 cups of sour cream 2 tomatoes 3 cups of cheddar cheese Directions: 1. Start by dicing all of the vegetables and set them aside. 2. Follow the directions to heat the frozen pizza. Why a frozen pizza? Why not a handmade pepperoni pizza crafted with love and care from quality ingredients? Lets face the facts, if youre making a giant pizza taco, then youre probably intoxicated and cant handle that sort of task or youve simply given up in all aspects of life with your only solace being this culinary monstrosity. 3. Anyway, brown the beef in a skillet, one pound at a time. 4. Take the pizza out of the oven and lay it on a table. Preferably a clean table, but its a good guess that you dont really care about your personal health so it doesnt really matter. 5. Place the ground beef in a line down the center of the pizza, followed by vegetables, sour cream, and cheese. There you go. Look at that. Just look at that and contemplate your existence. Just stare into the oozing pile of grease and cheese and wonder what went wrong. I suppose its too late now to ask for that coffee date, isnt it? You know what will fill the void created by that brief yet ever present whimsical thought of a happiness you have lost forever? You can add bacon to the pizza taco. Get a pound of bacon and fry it up, after adding the pizza taco to the oven at 350 degrees to keep it warm. This shouldnt take too long, and you can either dice the bacon or add it as is. You can also save the bacon grease, as it can be used to improve the taste of eggs as opposed to butter or conventional oils. Ideally this could probably serve six to eight people, but lets be realistic and just say one. Just grab it with both hands and go to town on it while mindlessly flipping through whatever is on television to dull the pain of solitude for just another night, or however long you plan to eat this borderline eldritch dish.
COURTESY SODELICIO.US

Student favorite, WolframAlpha, dedicated to student success while residing on the internet.

Continue YouR Climb The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Monster Tacos a delicious and light pre-workout snack.

Youve established strong roots

Join us for dinner as the alumni community celebrates your accomplishments and welcomes you to your lifelong family.
Friday, April 26, 2013
6:00 p.m. cocktails; 7:00 p.m. dinner

Ramiro Rodriguez Insect

At first glance, The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle appears to be simply an amusing tale for children about the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly by means of beautiful, yet simple illustrations. The whole setup makes the process of reading fun for children beginning to read and learning to count. However, this conceals a rather different agenda that requires closer inspection. Behind the thick cardboard pages of the book is a tool to indoctrinate children with the tenants of our consumerist culture. The story begins with the protagonist, the very hungry caterpillar, engaging in the standard literary plot of the heros quest as he explores his world in search of food to

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sate his hunger. In this adventure, the caterpillar begins to change much in the way that caterpillars do and goes into a cocoon, later becoming a butterfly. On the surface, this is a simple story meant to teach children about numbers, as well as explain that there are certain creatures in this world that go through stages of growth. However, there is another, darker meaning behind this story. Children are taught that they must consume constantly in order to sate their various hungers, whether they be literal or representing the constant want of consumer goods. The caterpillar consumes and consumes and consumes until he is tired, giving a vague hope that there is rest from the infinite desires that a capitalist market-driven world instills in us if we just consume enough.

When the caterpillar emerges from rest as a beautiful butterfly, this correlates with a message that if someone consumes enough, they too will be beautiful or fulfilled or whatever meaningless promises Madison Avenue wants to shill out along with its overpriced wares. Reviewers have spoken very highly of the book and have said that it is an amazing book for new readers. Its few pages teach a surprisingly large number of things in a mirthfully illustrated way, but that is why The Very Hungry Caterpillar is so sinister. No longer are corporate masters satisfied with poisoning children with filth, now they are after them through education and instilling the thought that reading should still be an enjoyable and fulfilling pastime activity.

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43568 MAG-1321_RWDin_Stud.indd 1 2/28/13 11:46 AM

april 1, 2013

The Egg a timeless masterpiece

Deborah Good Art Critic Extraordinaire

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sign of fine china is a subversive contrast. The aesthetic value of The Easter eggs are a long-stand- Egg cannot be overstated; it is ing spring tradition, but have nev- truly a work of art. Indeed, it is so er been given their due as true beautiful that further words of depieces of modern art. All that is scription fail this reviewer. Nothabout to change, due to one ex- ing more can be said that has not ceptional artist. His years of prac- already been said in artists own tice in egg design have led to the words, It is the most beautiful ultimate Easter egg experience, egg in all the world. one all art enthusiasts should Good is understandably caushare and appreciate. tious about revealing his secrets, Easter egg master Thomas but he agreed to give The OreGood has been decorating eggs digger an exclusive description since the early 1960s. No ones of the process. First, I have to do ever appreciated my talents be- a ceremonial dance. The whole fore, though, he said. My dad family forms a conga line, and we supported me, but I think he was sing Hiya, hiya, hiya, EGG! Hiya, kind of scared of his own artis- hiya, hiya, EGG! Then, Good tic talents being challenged, so spends a few moments in quiet we connected over baseball in- concentration, preparing himself stead. for the great task that lies before In fact, hard as it now is to him. believe, none of Goods elemenAfter I feel like Im ready, tary school art Good said, I Ive been creating The go to the egg I teachers even believed his talout beEgg almost as long as Ive picked ent lay in their fore we started field. eggs. been picking NCAA brack- dying W i t h o u t Then, I take needed sup- ets, he said. Luckily, un- the egg dipport at an early per and put in age, Good was like his perennially losing the first color. forced to purGood refused sue his other brackets, his egg decorat- to reveal the ambition, law. order he places ing is perennial success. the egg into its Though he hoped he would colors, but was eventually be able to affect a ca- willing to reveal that the six colors reer shift, the opportunity never he uses are red, orange, yellow, arose. However, Good never quit green, blue, and a purple one he practicing. Every year, I make insists on calling violet. the most beautiful egg in all the After it has enough of the first world, he said. color, I take it out and put it in the All these years of practice next color. I repeat this until The have finally paid off, though, in Egg has been in all the colors. this years most beautiful egg Then, and only then, is it the most in all the world, definitively en- beautiful egg in all the world. titled The Egg. The Egg has Goods strictly controlled a unique orange-green-brown strategy is the result of years of coloration and is perfectly egg- practice. Ive been creating The shaped and hard-boiled. Egg almost as long as Ive been It is innovatively displayed on picking NCAA brackets, he said. a saucer with a fruit pattern, and Luckily, unlike his perennially losthe juxtaposition of the masculine ing brackets, his egg decorating egg surface with the feminine de- is perennial success.
DEBORAH GOOD / OREDIGGER

MORE THAN

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The Egg a marvelous piece of modern art. w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t

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Step-by-step instant lunch for amateur chefs

Katerina Gonzales Iron Chef Winner
A tasty and wholesome meal for every college student, a cup of noodles is also extremely affordable. Chicken flavored Cup of Noodles, or Instant Lunch, combines the great taste of chicken with the noodles you already love and three types of vegetables that will stop moms of college students from worrying about students eating their vegetables. Whether someone is about to do Physics, MATLAB, or a math worksheet, this meal can be made within three and a half minutes, so the Mines student can get back to work in a timely manner. Ingredients: 1 Cup of Noodles or Maruchan Instant Lunch 8-10 oz. Water Directions: Unwrap the foam container from the cardboard and plastic. Open the lid slightly as to allow for a stream of water and nothing more to enter the cup. Fill the cup with tap water until it is about 2 centimeters from the lip. Put in the microwave. Close the microwave door and press Cook time on the microwave keypad. Then press 3-0-0 for three minutes, and finally press Start, or do whatever it takes to cook something for three minutes on a microwave. Watch the cup circle around the microwave for three minutes. Twiddle thumbs. Think about the homework that will be done while eating the Cup of Noodles. Wait two more minutes. Decide to go on Imgur to pass the time. Forget about dinner and come back ten minutes later. Realize the noodles are done, but cold. Cry. Stick the Cup of Noodles back into the microwave for one more minute. Take noodles out, but leave lid slightly closed to keep the steam in the cup in order to cook any noodles that are still crunchy. Release lid. Grab fork, eat, and enjoy. This recipe makes one serving. If the noodles are cooked for too long, then they will become slimy, so it is imperative to cook for only about three minutes. While doing Lon-Capa or other online homework while eating this meal, be cautious as to not spill any broth on laptop or in lap.
ALL PHOTOS KATERINA GONZALES / OREDIGGER

f e a t u r e s

april 1, 2013

Evan Michael Thomas Ford

A cinematic gem

This underrated film from wellknown Croatian director and producer Vladislov Andreavich Titov somehow managed to fly under the radar. The production quality of Vlasic Park is simply phenomenal, making its limited reputation hard to believe. What makes this film incredibly noteworthy is the sheer originality; it is difficult to draw comparisons between it and any other movie ever made. Set in the near future, Vlasic Park chronicles the events surrounding the discovery of a cucumber fossil with a central nervous system. In the film, the CEO of GinEn (a scientific conglomerate) seeks to build an amusement park for this astounding prehistoric revolution in science. Only the best of the best were invited to work for him on his private island. The potential profits for this park were extremely promising. The DNA of the herbivorous cucumber species is well preserved in hardened tree sap. Using advanced scientific technology, scientists extracted these genes and made a genetic copy of the ancient fruit. However, due to inconsistencies in the cucumbers genome, slight complications hindered the preservation of the specimens. Once the cucumbers were replicated, they became unresponsive. Scientists placed the specimens in vinegar, brine, and garlic baths to induce reactions to light and sound. Over time, the cucumbers became more sensitive to stimulus, but they also became shriveled, sour, and pale in color. With this transformation also

came a shift in the eating habits of the prehistoric pickles. Because the pickles were small, the scientific team was not concerned with any potential risk. The magnificent creatures would still bring plenty of revenue to the park. However, things go awry when a radioactive stork flies to the island and begins to eat the pickles. Most of the pickles survive, but they undergo a series of dramatic transformations as a result of the stork bites. All of the pickles are affected differently; some grow larger, some develop armor plating, some the ability to fly, and others the ability to spit highly acidic vinegar from their mouths. The staff of what is now deemed Vlasic Park handles the situation and foresees increased profits from the exclusive creatures on display. When a deadly Vlasicraptor kills a staff member, the CEO of GinEn brings a highly trained team of professionals to the island to examine the safety of the operation. Vlasic Park begins to unravel at the seams during the tour as a Brineceratops gets sick, a pack of Vlasicraptors gets loose, and the ever-deadly Tyranokoshers Rex terrorizes the entire park. Even worse, a vinegar spitting Dillophosaurus kills Newman. The team of specialists and the park owners family are thrown into an epic struggle for survival. The film is a unique and imaginative tearjerker, which makes it an instant classic. The use of claymation is first-rate; it is hard to tell that the bloodthirsty mutant pickles are created in a studio. Vlasic Park is a movie for children and adults of all ages, and raises the bar for the next generation of science fiction films.
EVAN MICHAEL THOMAS FORD / OREDIGGER

This instant classic is a unique and imaginative tearjerker for children and adults of all ages. w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t

april 1, 2013

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A new version
Emily McNair Transporter
For years, professors at the Colorado School of Mines have been working in secret to create the worlds most coveted fictional devicethe portal gun. This device is the Holy Grail for geeks everywhere. As popularized in the game Portal, this gun allows people to move between two places without going through the area in between. The user shoots a blue portal on one surface and an orange one on another. When he walks through the blue portal, he emerges from the orange one. This simple manipulation of space proved to be quite the engineering conundrum. Scientists all over the world have tried to perfect the device since its debut in 2007, but only recently have any been successful. Several professors ran their first test of the device in early March. Although the portals were only large enough to send an apple through them, this was an amazing milestone. Its amazing, said Jonathan Doe, who was one of only seven to witness the event. When I played [the game Portal] I never imagined that this technology could actually exist. Even Valve, the developer of the wildly popular game, was surprised to see this result. We never expected anyone to take our fictional world seriously, said a spokeswoman, and to see that our vision has become reality, well, it is simply mind-blowing. Valve has even offered Mines $1 million to continue this research. When asked exactly where he would go next, head researcher Dr. Tuyl said, I would love to make it bigger. It was awesome to watch that apple go through, but I have to wonder what it would feel like. I want to experience it for myself. To achieve that goal, the professors need all the help they can get. Just like in the game, the portal gun only works on surfaces coated in moon rock. Much to the dismay of the researchers, synthetic versions simply cannot support the portals. The real resource is so expensive that Valves grant will only cover about a quarter of the amount the researchers require. However, this will not stop the professors. The portal gun has inspired so many children to become scientists and engineers, said Dr. Rhode, another professor working on the project. Could you imagine what the real one would do? The professors hope to perfect the device within the next five years. They plan to mass-produce the device with the hope that it may inspire more people to study science and engineering. Although both Rhode and Tuyl believe that they have created a lofty goal, they have faith that this device will spur the curiosity of the world and at least bring some people entertainment.

Sylvestor Stallone trades bombs for bombshells

Bradley Wood Fashionista
Famed actor Sylvester Stallone, known for his masculine roles such as Rocky and Rambo, changed the game this week when he announced he was quitting the film industry to become a female pop-star. When questioned about his motives for the change Stallone said, I was tired of people taking me seriously and wanted to change so I could goof around all the time like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. If I decide to shave my head spur of the moment or get arrested for being on drugs, I would much rather be a pop star because my actions would be forgiven. The actor also proudly announced that from this day forth he shall be known simply as Stella, aka the actor formerly known as Sly. This sudden career move was made possible by Dr. Dat Long who made Stallones body strangely resemble the body of Cher. Long could not be reached for comment as he was too busy giving Pamela Anderson breast reduction surgery. For his miraculous achievements with Stallones body, Long won the Trinidad Soctor of Excellence award, in the category of making old actors look like sexy women. Plus for making her sexy again Stella gave Long a rather large bonus, in the form of a Caribbean mansion. When questioned about her new career in music, Stella said that her first album should drop sometime next year with the first single being released later this month. The title of said single is rumored to be, Boobies, I got em now! Stella also spoke of a possible guest appearance on Keshas next album. When Stella was questioned about how this change has affected her personal life, she said that it has not really affected her life other than the fact that she goes to the mall a lot more often and crashes her car on a regular basis. Overall, the career move seems to be working for Stella and it could be just the thing that she needs to revitalize her career. Her net worth has increased since and she has been offered multiple million dollar recording contracts. In the end, this radical change should work out for Stella by giving her a fulfilling career well into the future.
STEVEN WOOLDRIDGE / OREDIGGER

of reality
E.T: The Extra Terrestrial a gripping adventure
Ramiro Rodriguez Extra-Terrestrial
Fans of the hit 1982 film E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial should be excited to find that there was a video game adaptation for the Atari 2600 also released in 1982. This game is without a doubt one of the most influential in the history of video games, as it completely altered the market for such products. In addition, it permanently altered the path of Atari, Inc., by setting a rather high bar for video games based on existing intellectual properties. This game has also been immortalized in a memorial in Alamogordo, New Mexico, so the video game industry will never forget the story of the Atari 2600 version of E.T., which is honestly better than the film. The game play in E.T. is relatively simple. You control the E.T. and guide him through six different exciting zones based on locations from the film. E.T. is searching different wells for three parts, needing to build an interplanetary telephone so he can call home. After finding the phone pieces, E.T. has to be guided to an area from which he can call home to a mothership that will pick him up in the forest in which he was abandoned at the beginning of the film. To add difficulty to the game, E.T. has an energy bar that depletes with various actions including walking, climbing wells, or teleporting. Energy can be restored by collecting Reeses Piecesjust like in the movie! If nine of these are collected, Elliot will just hand you a piece of the phone. Furthermore, E.T. is being chased by FBI agents and scientists who want to keep him from phoning home so they can study him. After E.T. returns home, the player receives points and the entire game starts over. This is done until E.T. runs out of energy points or the player decides they have had enough riveting movie tie-in fun. There is not much to say about E.T. for the Atari 2600 that has not already been said. Hardcore gamers and casual gamers alike will enjoy the hours upon hours of fun derived from falling into a pit to search for phone parts and candy. Fans of the film will love the various tie-ins to the movie. For example, there is an alien named E.T., he has to phone home, there is some kid involved, Reeses Pieces, and repetitive falling in and out of pits. People who enjoy falling into pits to search for lost phones and occasional pieces of candy will love this accurate simulation of daily life and its struggles with calling home to the mothership so we can be taken off of the Earth before the FBI catches us. E.T. for the Atari 2600 gets five Reeses Pieces out of five. Few other games can match its peanut buttery goodness.

Sylvestor Stallone is practicing for his upcoming role in Burlesque 2: First Bra.

COURTESY ATARI INC.

People who enjoy falling into pits to search for lost phones and occasional pieces of candy will love this accurate simulation.

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Creek Week
of the

f e a t u r e s

april 1, 2013

Evan Michael Thomas Ford

Creeks are often wet, containing water and rocks. Sometimes even fish inhabit these flowing bodies of water. But far too often, no one takes the time to sit down and listen to the bubbling brooks and the whispers of the rolling waters, and understandably so. In fact, for the beginning portion of this interview, the answers were muffled in the passing of the crystal clear waves. After hours of patience and the careful placement of an ear, the secrets of Goldens own Clear Creek were finally exposed. The murky fine grained sediments of confusion had settled to the bottom of understanding. [Oredigger]: Why did you choose to become a creek? [Clear Creek]: Bubble, gurgle, bubble swoosh splish splash. Gurgle; slush drip drop swoosh... swoosh. Splish gurgle, bubble slush. Some people believe you have a problem maintaining a steady weight. For example, you gain a lot in the spring, and in late summer and early fall youre running thin. What do you have to say to these people? Sploosh! Bubble bubble, gurgle swish splish splash swoosh, bubble gurgle. Gurglegurgle? Bubble. Swish. Sploring meltofshsnowowwsh. (leaning in closer) Evaporatioosh. In the fall, waters hard to come by. Not my fault. Im here for the long run. I

...Clear Creek, Tributary of the South Platte, 66 miles long

Additionally, a bird in the hand is worth a penny earned. Dont forget that you cant teach an old book new covers. Always fight fire with bygones. Most importantly; drastic times call for chickens before they hatch. Excuse me? I think someone just dumped some rancid bleach upstream, sorry.
EVAN MICHAEL THOMAS FORD / OREDIGGER

Apertures Combustible Lemon a sour surprise

Chase Tyree Fruit Science Correspondent
Brand new from Aperture Laboratories, the newest item to come onto the market that everyone is exploding over is the Combustible Lemon. To test out the Combustible Lemon and its slogan It will burn any house down, the Colorado School of Mines used the lemon during one of the many the physics studio time periods on campus. To activate the lemon, the user simply pulls the pin and throws. The physics studio burned down in a matter of seconds, 3.143 seconds to be exact. After the flames were quelled and the damage was assessed, it was discovered that the entire Lon-Capa system was also obliterated, removing Physics from the school. Professor Rock Throw noted that it will return, but after giving him a lemon to play with, forgot all about this notion. The Oredigger was able to get a hold of one of these fantastic devices and even get an exclusive interview with one of the scientist behind its creation. Aperture scientist Gary Baer sat down with The Oredigger to talk about Apertures new invention. [Oredigger]: Thank you for meeting with us Mr. Baer. Now, how did this product come to fruition? [Baer]: Well, we were working on the Borealis in the laboratory when suddenly our boss Cave Johnson stormed in, coughing and yelling at us to stop all tasks and take the lemons that life suddenly handed him and build a combustible lemon so that he may burn their house down, with the lemon. Didnt you think this was a strange request? Are you serious? We are Aperture science! We were able to make a gel to make you run faster or bounce you high into the air. We are the ones who made mantis people, Well not voluntarily, but we did! This project that Mr. Johnson is making us do is very easy. The only thing to consider is how we can make it work. So how does it work, if I may ask? Well, when you pull the pin, an Aperture Science Mini Portal opens on the inside of the lemon. Another portal opens inside our infinite universe mini nuke generator that is constantly exploding. Once opened, the user has only .2151 seconds to throw the lemon before the explosion is caught in the user side of the portal. From there, you can just watch the beautiful fireworks. To buy your own combustible lemon, you can go to the official Aperture Science Strategic Selling Store located where the Black Mesa facility used to be. One will run you $1,000, but it is well worth it when you can take out your enemies with a lemon. How fun does that sound? With that, Baer pulled a small device out of his pocket, clicked it twice, then disappeared in a puff of fragrant yellow smoke.
COURTESY HELLS PLUMBER PROPS / ETSY

just go with the flow. races might be even better. The Its been awhile since Ive gotten Address your violent flood- combination of soggy cardboard a shower. ing history, and anger prob- and spray-on adhesive is simply Who is your favorite superlems. Is it true the City of divine. hero, and why? Golden placed you in an anger Is it true that you can never Not Aquaman. Next question. management program? step in the same river twice? Do you have any advice for Listen, whats done is done. All Im a creek, how the shell Mines Students? thats probably in the ocean now. I should I know? Get it, sediments, In this ethereal, cosmic dance get in trouble because the City of shells... of fleeting transcendence and Golden put the library, fire station, What is your DO content? surreptitious faades, be sure to and police station in my immediI dont smell that bad, do I? never lick the same squirrel twice. ate floodplain. So once in a while things get overwhelming. Now my shorelines are modified and chock full of drainage systems, which if you ask me is pretty darn inconsiderate. I was here first you know. What is your favorite thing about Mines? On sunny summer days, I love tasting the man-sweat of engineers as they swim, tube, and dive in my waters. However, algae and dead fish are a close second to the taste of engineer mansweat. The E-Days Card- Creek of the Week, Clear Creek, enjoys tasting the man-sweat of engineers board boat dive in its waters.

as they swim, tube, and

Aperature Laboratories Combustible Lemon a sweet and sour explosive surprise.

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s p o r t s

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Mines baseball sweeps Highlands, winning streak now at 10

Katerina Gonzales Shocked Fan
The Orediggers are on fire, and a sweep of New Mexico Highlands has propelled them to the No. 1 spot in the RMAC. The win streak is thought to be due to either sophomore infielder Shane Johnnys new faux-hawk haircut, or the teams embracement of the schools nerdiness. When asked about his strategy, sophomore outfielder Mark Goldie said, I finally combined my two loves, baseball and physics. Whenever Im up to bat, some variation of Spidey Sense takes over and I calculate the second that will provide the most linear momentum from the collision of my bat and the ball, along with the effect of gravity and the Coriolis effect. Ive been holding late-night physics sessions for the outfielders to do projectile motion problems in their head instantaneously in order to get a good lead. Thursdays game got off to a bizarre start. Freshman Christian Rooney-Toon put down the Cowboys on three pitches in the bottom of the first and struck out the side in the second. Unfortunately for Rooney-Toon, the Slate lunch he had eaten before the game did not agree with his stomach, so sophomore righty Brandon Thunderstorm came on in relief. New Mexico Highlands then scored one unearned run on no hits, as Mines committed an error to get the runner on and he promptly stole second, then third, and finally home. Thunderstorm then induced two quick groundouts to get out of the inning. Mines countered with backto-back-to-back home runs by Charlie Oregano, Bobby Iceberg, and Evan Brownie. That would be all the Orediggers would need as Thunderstorm pitched six innings of nohit baseball, and Eric Shanfish closed the game with a perfect ninth. The end result was a 3-1 win, with Rooney Toon, Thunderstorm, and Shanfish combining for the first no-hitter in CSM history. Saturdays first game saw starter Bambi Gilman scatter three runs over nine innings on six hits while striking out seven. The Oredigger bats were lifeless until the top of the ninth, however. A double and two walks set the bases up for senior catcher Jordo Williams. Williams swung at the first pitch and launched the 95 mile per hour fastball way over the left field fence. If we were at Darden, that wouldve been another one of Jordos home runs that would have landed on North Table Mountain, said Goldie. With this momentum, the Orediggers routed NMH in the nightcap, as sophomore righty Matt Brownie threw a solid completegame, allowing only two runs. The offense scored 20 runs, including six in the fourth when they batted around. The Orediggers mojo was stopped by snow in New Mexico, as Sundays game was cancelled. Mines will face Adams State next weekend at Darden Field. Fans should be sure to get their baseball fix E-Days weekend and support their Orediggers, who are in a great position to make the playoffs.

Jared Riemer Mascot

March Madness dribbles on

MLB Preview: Cubs, Astros most favored to win World Series

Katerina Gonzales Baseball Hall of Fame Writer
Opening day is the most wonderful time of the year for baseball fans where optimism flows and hope appears where there was none in the cold of winter. Everyones team wins the pennant, and everyones favorite player wins MVP. This makes it difficult to stay grounded in reality when seeking out analysis of how the season is going to end. However, now, using neverbefore used high-tech statistical analysis, mathematicians have been able to determine with 98% certainty how each division race will end. (Spring training records are as of 3/26/13.) AL East: The Baltimore Orioles have been red-hot in Grapefruit League spring training games, leading with an 18-7 record, and as a result should win the division. AL Central: This might be the Kansas City Royals year, who will have no problem keeping pace with their division foes while picking up their first winning season in ten years and grabbing the division title for the first time since their 1985 World Series winning season. AL West: The Seattle Mariners will have a tough time overcoming the Houston Astros in the division, making it a toss-up for AL West champ. Seattles 19-10 record in spring training favors them, but the Astros are expected to take the AL pennant in their first year in the American League after years in the National League. NL East: All five teams will nearly tie for the division title. The Atlanta Braves and New York Mets will be division and NL Wild Card winners, respectively. NL Central: The Chicago Cubs, despite their 16-18 record in Spring Training games, will obliterate their division rivals and advance to the World Series two years before it was prophesied in Back to the Future. It is unsure why, therefore, aliens. NL West: The Colorado Rockies, with their immense pitching depth, have steadily climbed above other NL West contenders in Cactus League games and are expected to continue to do so as the season starts. 32-year-old Jeff Francis is an early favorite to win the Cy Young award, but will face competition from his fellow Rockies. The Rockies are also a dark horse to win the pennant in what will likely be Todd Heltons last year. The causes of their success, among great pitching, will be the Rockies firing of their former mascot Dinger and the hiring of his twin brother, Donger. According to oddsshark.com, it will be the Cubs over the Astros in the 2013 Fall Classic. In related news, a meteor is on course to hit the Midwestern United States sometime next autumn.
COURTESY MLB

The end of March brings along with it the largest national basketball tournament in the country and an emergence of chronic widespread temporary insanity. Commonly referred to as March Madness, this disease sweeps through colleges and workplaces during the end of March and early April, then seems to disappear once a school has claimed the title of national champion. Although a temporary disease, March Madness can have extreme effects, especially on the students at schools involved in the tournament. Signs and symptoms of March Madness include wearing school colors, face painting, excessive yelling in front of a television, and furious research into school tournament brackets. The onset of the disease begins in early March when teams qualify for the tournament by winning games of basketball and being selected by a selection committee. While there has not been a direct correlation found between basketball and March Madness disease, as basketball can be played all year round, it appears that the combination of basketball and spring in the air brings about the Madness. Once a team has qualified for the tournament, an overwhelming number of cases of March Madness appear. Every year, 68 schools are infected in mid-March, narrowed to 64 schools which will go on to become bracketed teams. Mines caught the March Madness fever in early March when intramural sports opened up a bracket competition, fueling the Madness. Brackets are distributed by news sources and schools to help spread March Madness. Students choose who they think will be the best teams and win individual games all the way to the team who will win the whole tournament out of 68 starting teams. What many fail to realize is that March Madness affects judgment and students often think they know how games will be played and who will win. This debilitating effect often leads to brackets with predictions such as the Florida Gulf Coast University Eagles winning the tournament. With 9.2 quintillion variations, one has a better chance at making an accurate bracket by picking which mascot would win in a fist fight instead of looking at the actual skills of the teams. This fact only fuels the Madness and adds to the development of school favorites and passionate fans. The disease matures as the tournament begins in late March. School spirit fever hits with a vengeance and school colors start to pop up

everywhere along with team paraphernalia. University bookstores are over run with orders of tee shirts, flags, and temporary facial tattoos, all in hopes of the favored team winning. This surge in school sales is part of the reason why no one has started searching for a cure. March Madness brings attention to schools students otherwise would not have known about and highlights their ball playing skills. Students also feel overwhelmingly compelled to make cross country journeys to see their favorite team play. Where better to wear school colors than courtside at a game? Some students even spend the night outside of the stadiums, infecting everyone within reach with March Madness. For those who cannot make it to games, they can be found glued to a television watching every moment of game play. Classes are skipped for big games and homework pushed a s i d e . Grades of-

ten feel the COU effects for a RTE SY W few weeks as the ISEG EEK Madness runs rampant through campuses. For the fortunate few, occasionally professors will catch the disease and allow class to be dismissed early. After a short reign, March Madness resolves itself around early April when a victor is declared. Students go back to wearing normal clothes, the face paint is removed, and televisions turn to baseball as basketball season comes to a close. It is important to remember that March Madness is not a harmful disease. It will self-resolve within a months time. The best remedy for it is lots of cheering, eating hot wings, and access to instant game updates.

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o p i n i o n

Your weekly horoscope

Ramiro Rodriguez Carnival Fortune Teller
Aquarius (Jan 20 Feb 18): For this week, plan on a long series of coincidences occurring between you and your loved ones. While there are perfectly rational reasons for each occurrence, both negative and positive, you are better off saying that they occurred because of the time of year you were born in, the energy levels inside your house, the color of your aura, or because of the whims of ancient and powerful beings who hold the universe together out of completely alien motives. For more information on each of these topics consult your local medium, spiritual guide, wizard, druid, or fifth level or higher mystic theurge. Pisces (Feb 19 Mar 20): An unusual object will cross into part of the celestial longitude that blesses the Pisces. It is Ghroth, the Nemesis Moon! As was said by the grand prophet Lovecraft The comet-god comes, singing to the stars and planets as it passes; waking the strange and terrible gods that lie slumbering beneath. This is the herald of the end of all humanity and the rising of Cthulu from his undersea home of Ryleh. Pisces has been blessed by Cthulu by being the first humans to be devoured and spared the pain of watching the end of their race as well the pitiful attempts by humanity to delay the horror that awaits it. Congratulations! Aries (Mar 21 Apr 19): If at any point in the week you feel as though youre unlucky, it is because you are. You have been hexed by a wizard for some minor offence, like trying to get into the elevator before everyone got off or stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to talk with someone when others are around. The only way to remove such a curse is by ordering my book on Amazon, 235 Easy Hex Removal Spells and leaving a five star review. If you dont, then they dont work. Taurus (Apr 20 May 20): Your search for true love will continue to be a road full of disappointment and agonizing loneliness. On the bright side of things, youre financial and business plans will be slightly less disappointing, but theyre still pretty bad. Also, the stars say that people are saying horrible things behind your back, and that you were way drunker at that party than you thought you were. Gemini (May 21 Jun 20): This week you will pass by the person who the stars say is your one true love. While you should be able to tell who it is, I recommend hitting on everyone just to be on the safe side. It is difficult to tell an individual anything specific with only their sign, so I highly recommend a one on one full spiritual life plan consultation in my Golden office for the low price of $75/hour. It seems pricey, but how can anyone (besides me) place a price on finding ones destined love. Cancer (Jun 21 Jul 22): A recent medical breakthrough has found a drug that is able to kill all cancer cells within mice, regardless of where the cancer originates. This is a general warning to avoid all scientists and doctors for a week to avoid being abducted for testing this cancer killing super poison. I mean all scientists, even people who have almost nothing to do with this, like geologists. Leo (Jul 23 Aug 22): Leos, I implore you to let your mighty roars be heard throughout the land. If you are at any point in a confrontational situation at work, in public, or even in the home the best option is to tackle your issues head on. Literally pounce on people. No one wants to fight people who think theyre lions. Thats just too much for most people to handle. Virgo (Aug 23 Sep 22): You will witness an innocent person being attacked in the streets by someone drunkenly raving about extra dimensional potato men impersonating his friend. It will be tempting to help, but that seems like a really good way to get stabbed with

april 1, 2013

Minds at Mines Great Mines accomplishments

Ian Mertz See Below
For some students, simply getting into the Colorado School of Mines is their biggest accomplishment. For others it may be passing Physics I or resisting the urge to fall asleep in NHV or econ. Perhaps more than a few students would say that their greatest accomplishment has been surviving E-days or their first encounter with a female. This week, Minds at Mines asks, What is your greatest accomplishment at the Colorado School of Mines? The answers show a startling diversity among Mines students and prove that is among Americas most unique campuses.

My greatest complishment was when me and my buddy Cooter jumped our lectric Dodge Challenger, the General Li-Po, over Clear Creek. That and when we was brewing moonshine down by the creek when no ones was a-lookin. I hear arsenic adds character. Buford the Hillbilly

Winning a bro-down with my bro CJenks. Dude has got some mad skills, but he ended up losing to my Algebrah. Chad B.

a rusty spork. Just walk away and pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening. Libra (Sep 23 Oct 22): Due to testing being done by the ISS, I am unable to discern what the stars have in store for Libras. With all the research being done in space, this is increasingly becoming an issue so I recommend all my readers, not just Libras, purchase from my Amazon storefront a 200 count package of specially blessed fortune cookies for those days you just absolutely have to know an incredibly vague and obvious piece of advice to live your life by. Scorpio (Oct 23 Nov 21): This will be an incredibly mundane week for you. Like, nothing interesting will happen... at all. That being said, if your nemesis happens to be a Taurus, you will at least have the joy of laughing at the long series of misfortunes they call a week. Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Someone you trust deeply has been replaced with an evil clone! The only way to determine who it is, is by throwing liquids at them. If this person reacts with anger as opposed to gratitude over unexpected refreshment it is your duty as a citizen of this universe to arrest them and bring them to the local authorities under the charge of impersonating someone to hasten the invasion of extra dimensional beings by planting sleeper cells among us. You will be hailed as a hero and protector of Earth for your bravery. Capricorn (Dec 22 Jan 19): You will be desperately hit on by a Gemini trying to find their true love by process of elimination.
Editorials Policy The Oredigger is a designated public forum. Editors have the authority to make all content decisions without censorship or advance approval and may edit submitted pieces for length if you are an idiot and dont know what you are talking about. Opinions contained within the Opinion Section do not necessarily reflect those of Colorado School of Mines or The Oredigger though you should consider them as such. The Oredigger does not accept submissions without identification or cash money. Submissions more than 3000 words will receive preference.

Making this hat and getting an A in Alien Technology, EGGN 9000. Theres no way they can track me now, right? Please dont probe me again. Terrence Hunder

Study Break

It went down like this. I see this girl on Kafadar and Im like, Hey girl. She looked up at me and long story short, we went back to my place and watched cartoons. Stay in school. A.J. Timberberg

I would say eet was when I liberated all of ze bagels from ze CTLM Einsteins. Eef you leesten closely you can probably hear zem calling out, Freedom! Liberty! when you walk between ze two buildings. Pierre LeDough

ALL PHOTOS IAN MERTZ / OREDIGGER

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