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OUR QUEER ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Well begin with box; the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of mouse is not ever meese. You may find a lone mouse, or a whole nest of mice, But the plural of house is still never hice. If the plural of man is always men Why shouldnt the plural of pan be pen? If I speak of a foot and you show me two feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth, and a whole set are teeth Why shouldnt the plural of booth be beeth? If a singular this is a plural these Should the plural of kiss ever be keese? We speak of a brother and also of brethren, And though we say mother we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim! Na wa for dis English sef.

OUR QUEER ENGLISH LANGUAGE (PART 2)


Is English really a queer language or the people that invented the language? Lets face it: English is a queer language. There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger, and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not even invented in England! French fries were not first made in France or by the French.

We sometimes take English for granted. But if we carefully examine its paradoxes, we find out that Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and the Guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If the past tense of take is took, shouldnt the past tense of make be mook? If writers write, how come fingers dont fing? If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldnt the plural of phone booth be phone beeth? If teacher taught, why didnt the preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat? Humans? Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital? Why do people park at driveways and drive on parkways? You certainly have to marvel at the lunacy of a language where a house burns up as it burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out. People not computers invented English and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course does not race against anybody). That is why when the stars are out they are still visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible. And why is it that when I wind up my watch it starts but when I wind up a story it ends? And there are more. . . Why is the man who invests your money is called a broker? Why is a person who plays the piano is called a pianist but a man who drives a race car is not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isnt 11 pronounced onety-one, since 22 is pronounced twenty-two? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree cutters debarked and dry cleaners depressed? Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? If you take an oriental lady and spin her around several times, does she become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles why arent people from Holland called Holes?