2

A Qualification, an Intention, a Dedication, an Epigram.

This story is Completely authentic: and utterly fabricated.

This book is Intended for you: if you ever want for company.

It is dedicated to Susanna: who seemed to me the amalgam of every woman I had hitherto adored.

: A literary giggle.

...and the wise man sayeth: 'Be careful they don't make you the fall guy!' I HAVE been suspended (with pay)/most definitely fired! What a journey this life is turning out to be!

:) Xxxxxxxxxx

I work for idiots.

4

Functioning Sociopaths

Or

S(h)iti Registrars: The Remora Fish of the Finance Industry

Part IContrata

Chapter One
It startedas things often dowith a female. Ok: Kym was Lenas long term friend. We lived with Lena and Malcolm in the last year of Uni; we met them through Roman who we live with now. I remember the first time I saw her. I had come down to London for Lenas birthday. Sam wasnt there. And I really didnt have that many people I talked to; normally we i.e. Sam and I, would sit in the corner, talk amongst ourselves and just throw quotes at each other, and make very small attempts to interact with people. But I essentially just wound up getting absolutely blitzed. So Lenas northern. And her friends from the north came down and we went to a bar in Dulwich of somewhere of the sort and she was there. I remember just instantly being attracted to her, like, just generally, as you normally are attracted to people. Shes very pretty. Shes very tall; Brunette. Big brown eyesthis is obviously from me recollecting it now; I am not sure whether I remembered her eyes at the time, or even noticed them. But Pete was there. And Petes always been veryPete excels in environmentsboozing. Like me hes Irish. But unlike me he has money. And he wears suites and has a job, that affords/afforded him the luxury of being able to spend money and enjoy himself, I guess. And Pete I believe had met Kym before, and I think they hooked up before. Anyway, that was the first time I saw her, and they got together and did there thing and I remember the next day when I was crashing at Romans, he came over he run away from her. And come to smoke weed we me and Roman and Romans (then) girlfriend, an Australian named Shona. And he came back to ours (Romans) and smoked, and I remember; shamefully; one of the only things I said about her to him was: What were her tits like? And he described them, and they sounded lovely. And I remember he was saying something like:

As soon as we got back to the flat, you could tell that she was ashe know what she wanted. She was a working girl And I think he was probably quite scared of her more than anything. She was quite tomboyish. I can imagine Pete liking quite feminine women. And when I say feminine I mean petit, submissive and Kym certainly wasnt that. And thats probably the reason I liked her so much The next time I saw Kym, I had come from Devon for New Years. The first time I met her I was still leaving in Eastbourne; still working nights, in The Bentham Mills having a dreadful time of it: Really unhealthy sort of living. So basically what happened is, my Dad who had worked 25 years at Siti had had a, what is known as bells palsy, which is a sort of strokish type thing, and he had that and he was off work for a great deal of time and I can imagine like any sensible person, when things start happening to your body, you start thinking about things greater than pay checks and such, and so he made plans to get out and retire, along with his wife (lovely lady) and he had made moves and decided to go Devon. I think, just a change of environment more than anything. And so the plan was to move with Annabel, and also Annabels mother, who was a Nintysomething lady. My Dad and she had lived right around the corner from Una, and Annabel looked after Una, pretty much. And so they all decided to go to Devon, and they rented this lovely idyllic house in Dartmouth; Strete more specifically, and my dad I remember I was walking through Eastbourne town. There was a roundabout that separates an area into old town with the Station; and I was walking talking to him on the phone and he invited me to go to Devon, which I thought was a fantastic idea, being that I was having a pretty bad time of it, as me and Sam spent a great deal of time working on an EP which, when finished, wasnt the ground-breaking musical achievement that we wished it was, even though we spent a great deal of time on it, but also did smoke a lot of weed which whilst doing so probably coloured or view on it, but in hindsight its not a bad EP. And after that Sam hot tailed it to London to stay with Malcolm and Hannah, and I was left working nights in Bentham Mills doing I make it sound harsher than it was: I worked twenty hours a week (two ten hour shifts), Monday and Tuesday, 9 til 7 in the morning, and did that for about a year. But anywayNights werent very good for me, being that all I did really was; I ended up just spending a great deal of time in my own head. My job basically involved working in the fresh meat isle. Basically, youd put stuff
9

out, like beef, change plinths, all that sort of drudgery; which was fine. The things that did get to you were the lack of sleep and the temperature; it got very, very, very cold. And its fine working nights if you are into the routine of it, but having two days a week doing it was almost worse than having five, cause you do two days, and it takes you another two days to get out of the nights, the sleep patterns of it, and then really you get back into a normal routine and then it ends up catching you off guard when you go back on a Monday, and it fucks you over again. And there was no one youd talk to, especially in nights in a place, a sort of small town in Sussex; its not exactly the sort of environment that youd get educated people. And I remember one of the main books I read, American Psycho, as I was working, so that didnt really colour anything and it was a very odd experience. And the people there werebackwards, flat out just backwards. Borderline retarded slash amazingly bigoted. And you know I can deal with sort of mental deficiencies; but deficiencies in morals I find very hard to deal with. Obviously you didnt express this to them but its very hard. And so I was working there, and feeling very, very low in myself and but the good thing was it afforded me a lot of time, and I downloaded a lot of audiobook, and especially lectures, from an American company that deals with lectures for university disciplines. It was quite odd so whilst you were stacking shelves in this sort of muscle memory way, I was listening to History of Literature and Introduction to Quantum Physics and Mathematics, all this stuff; and you listened to it but often it would just happens to you. Sort of fills your head whilst youre sleeping. Its almost subliminal; which in hindsight I believe to be quite, its not always the best thing. The process; all the information that I was absorbing; Im still finding it very hard to process it all; And Philosophy, lots of philosophy; lots of Nietzsche, which was not a very good thing at that point in time. And then, you know, when I wasnt working it was In my house we live on a sort of main road; on a road called Friday Street. And we live in a house called Windy Ridge. It is like a little haven. There is a big old Victorian house with an Annex on the back. And that was where I stayed, and it was a very good place to play music and to learn how to free yourself from;it was a very good place to allow you to get into the mind set of allowing whatever it is to come out of you artistically to come out and not be ashamed of that. And that was of great benefit to me: At that point.

10

But also it was a very good place to just hide away and smoke lots and lots of weed, and watch lots and lots of interesting stuff, and read lots of interesting books. But essentially be closed off from the world. And coming out of Uni and going straight back to that is a very bad thing, I think. And I am reluctant to advise it, to anyone. Because it makes you very closed off and very self-centred, I guess. And at a certain point I got the call from my Dad. He said: Look, were going to Devon. You should come. Itll be a change of environment, you know-. And I thought: thats a brilliant idea. Because since their divorce Divorce is a very, very complex thing, becauseI doubt many people are really; because its a relatively new thing. I think that there is a lot still to process, as the effects on children and stuff like that. Whilst we still saw our Dad, and he no doubt loved us very, very, very much; we didnt live with him. And especially with us growing up, it was very hard to, for him to know us. So I thought that was a very good idea. So anyway I decided to move up to Devon, and see how that was. And it was a pretty profound experience.

11

Chapter Two
The house that we stay in, my Dad had rented from a weird couple who I only met a handful of times. Whenever theyd come round I would skirt off into my room. Because of the way the house was set up. It was ayou came on to a sort of gravelled driveway. And then there was the house. As you went into the door, into the house, to the right there was a little toilet. And then as you walked through the hallway there was an open living room area, with a massive window that looked out onto the garden. And then past the garden there was a field where there was cows and sheep, depending on the time of the year. And when you were passed that there was the sea. So as you walked into this house there was this amazing view. It was just lovely. And if you turned left, and around a corner there was the kitchen. And it was all very plush; granite surfaces; connected to that there was a little utilities room with a second fridge. Almost to the right of the house, as you entered, there was a living room. The living room had a window and a sort of fresh seat that you could lie on, at that look out onto the garden. And then there was a door in the living room that went in through to a sort of annexed off not like the annex in Friday Street; this was almost like a second part of the house, where Annabels Mum stayed. And that was an almost microcosm of the house itself. I never really went in there much, but it was nice enough. So as you came into the house there was the hallway that led into the dining room. And then to the right of the dining room there was the living room. And before that there was the stairs up to the first floor of the house. On the first floor of the house there was a bathroom. There was a bathroom with a shower and a toilet in it, but then there was a secondary bathroom that just had a massive bath in it; and a bidet and a toilet. And it was just sort of a room just for a bath. And it was lovely. But the weird thing about the house it that dotted around everywhere there was these really ostentatious pictures of women; often just topless women: Everywhere. And they were the art of the man. And they were just a bit bizarre. He was a bit of a perv, I think. So there was the two bathrooms and as you carried on there was two bedrooms on the second floor.

12

One, my Dad and Annabels took to be their living quartheir bedroom. The other one was a spare room. The funny thingthe spare room always got the better light. And at the end of the stay I think theyd wished theyd gonelike always; my Dad always wishes he picked a different room to stay in. He always feels that hed lost out. So that was the second floor. And the third floor was where I was staying. And the third floor had a spare bedroom, and then it had my room, and the toiletit was a very small space, but it had a toilet; sink; and you saw out into the garden and it was a very good view. You could sit on the toilet and look out into the garden which was a bit bizarre. I often wondered if anyone saw me. Say that theymy Dad and Annabel were conversing with the couple; the landlords, as it were; if theyd ever caught a glimpse of my sitting on the toilet. Doubtful but it came into mind. My bedroom had a, there was almost like two parts to it. As you came in there was a door which you would always bang your head because it was far too small. Because obviously theyd decided to make it aI think they must have decided to convert it, or something. And then you walk through it, trying not to hit your head, even though everyone did. And then there was a little area with a computer desk, with a window looking out. And there was a sofa and a little chair. And then there was a sort of enclave; a very thin passage. And then youd lower, maybe a step down. And then there was the bedroom; Lovely bed. There was an almostif youre ever on a boat, like these sort of places that you put canoes, I know that sounds bizarre but thats what I always think about when I see it, which I basically stored all my books and stuff like that. And there was two boxes underneath this canoe place, and thats where I had my music stuff and the weed that Id brought down with me. Before I decided to move up there, I needed to save some money. Because I needed some money to livewell thats what my Dad keeps saying. And so he got me some temp work at Siti. The good thing is, since University hed managed to get me seasonal work. So Easter, and summer work in the proxy section of Siti Registrars. And that gave me enough money toand plus he worked there and I could get to stay with him and Annabel at the place they were at before they were at Devon. And it meant that you didnt spunk it all. If I was living with my mates I would have spent it all on just going out and getting pissed. Or just on drugs. But they were very good; and regimented. And you couldnt help but get taken in by that. And it was a very good way to not spend the money. So Id worked there, seasonal work for
13

about three years. And then I took six weeks work just before I went to Devon. So Id saved some money up. I was doing really, really well. And then I remember we were watching a football game and Id been drinking and I was in a pretty good mood. And then I thought: Well, fuck this! If Im going to be going to And we were talking about Devon. And I thought: Wellwhat a perfect place to Because the plan was to go there and to just do music. I thought a good place to do music. Different environment and stuff like that. So about a week before they were moving up there; cause they were moving up there maybe two weeks before Id join them. And they were packing up all their stuff. We had stuff boxed up. And so basically what I did is I got Roman to pick me up and I went and met one of my Uncles friends. Chelsea Paul. All these names are gonna be changed, by the way. And I think we lost to Tottenham, or something like that. But anyway I went to see him. And I picked up, I think, two Ounces. I cant remember. You know, the mindsits very hard to actually remember the specifics. Im pretty sure I picked up two Ounces. But it could have been one Ounce and then another Ounce. But it was pretty good. I think it was imported from Amsterdam. And because you are buying the quantity, you get more for it. So I bought two Ounces of weed. And I went to Romans. He was still really involved with Shona. But I was fine cause I had some weed. And it was around the time of the elections, I think: The Lib Demthe elections that resulted in the coalition government. So I went back and I watched a bit of that. Then beforeI took a bit of it because basically I was gonna stay at Romans for the next couple of weeks whilst I worked, because my Dad was going away. And so what I did was I went back to my Dads house and I basically I wanted to, I needed to, I couldnt take to Ounces of weed on the train with me. Because its very hard to argue that that is just for your own consumption, I guess. Ever though its prettyyou can argue it pretty well. I know a lot of people who bulk buy. Its the same standards as any sort of purchase of a product. And I had two boxes of books. And I put it in one of the boxes of books, wrapped it all up so it didnt smell, and I kept a bit for myself. And I went up there two weeks later, after Id finished work, and I had all this weed. So I found myself in the amazing position where I was in
14

Devon, without a job; but with money, with all my music equipment, and two Ounces of weed. And the good thing was, because my Dad doesnt didnt know or doesnt know I smokeits different; my Mums completely different. I am very honest with my Mum; we have a very different relationship than I have with my Dad. My Dads Ten years older than my Mum, and hesI dont knowI guess we wouldnt like it. In hindsight, I think he knows, because when I was leaving Devon I was talking to Annabel; we were having a conversation about what I was going to do and she, out of the blue really; caught me really off guardshe was like: Are you going to stop smoking weed? And I was taken aback by it, and the first thing I could say was: I assume so: because, you know, I wont really have any money. And so, I dont know whether she was wise to it. My theory is that maybe he brother smokes a bit of it; or a lot of it. I dont know. So he must have known. But the good thing was, when I was there you couldntbecause when youre smoking with people; so there is three of you or whatever; and youre all equally smoking the same amount of weed, you dont realise how stoned you arebut when youre with people who are straight, they can tell. Its pretty hard to deceive them. So basically what it meant was that the quantities that I was imbibing was just less. And it was really quite good because I always found that musically you can get to a pointweeds very, very, good artistically; theres something about the way itthere is a Norman Mailer quote that I cant really recall, but I remember agreeing with itit really brings you into the moment. And musically thats very, very good because youre concentrating on every note and every beat, and it makes for very goodyou get yourself into a very good groove, or whatever. But if you smoke too much you dont do anything; you become listless. So being there was a good, because I couldnt smoke all day every day, so you just have cigarette like rollies, and I was very productive. So Id been doing music for a long time. I was in Devon for about a year, I think. And the weed lasted for a fair amount of time. And it was all good, and I was getting intobecause the internet connection was insanely fast; in the Victorian house in Friday Street the wiring, because we bought it off this complete dell boy; he did his own wiring and stuff, and I weve got his friend now who helps out when with the electric hes a sort of handy man; and when I say that I mean he can do lots of stuff, I dont mean that hes employed by us to be a handyman; and he
15

was in almost disbelieve in the wiring of the housebut as a result we very rarely got any good connections. And Im not a massive fan of money, so I dont really have it. And therefore I cant really buy albums, and any money I did have I used to buy DVDs and stuff. Or Sam just use give me music and stuff. So the good thing about Devon was I couldup to that point in my life, musically, I was very, very, interested in just Dylan. My Dad showed me Dylan when he used to drive us up to London where he was staying after the divorce. And on the drive youd get introduced to music. Hed pick us up and the go into the music shop and be like: Oh, Im gonna buy this album! And he bought Lou Reeds Transformer, and The Best of Dylan, and he loved Van Morrison and stuff like that. And he showed me Dylan, and I was justthe guy interested me so much. More than anything I wanted to know how it worked. He was doing something and I could tell that because at the beginning of Dylans career hes a very good songwriter, and then he starts getting into abstract, surrealist, electric, and that sort of stuff affected me in a way that the other stuff didnt because I know it was good, but I didnt know why it was good. And you could tell from the earlier songs that he was a good songwriter, so I was in no doubt that it was good songwriting. I just didnt know where it was coming from. And I just became obsessed with his music. And also I didnt really like my voice, or didnt really sing. I was often very, very bunged up, and didnt really know what I sounded like or didnt really pay much attention to the way I spoke, at that point. Because, you know, youre a 15 year old kid. You sort of just bleat sort of stuff. You sound very, very irked all the time. Its just whiny. And so I was obsessed with Dylan. And then I sort of lost my way a bit. And I had found a process of making music in the Annex that freed you, and but it sort of tailed off. And I made a couple of albums, under the monarch: Thats the Wizard that Stole my Power!! because Id heard it in a thing called something Quest; it was a TV show based on some books; and I thought it was the most stupid line of dialogue Id ever heard, and it was just amazing. So I used that, and I thought that it was quite good. And I got to do some sort of cartoonish, Id describe them as cartoonish sort of demos, of these songs that were quite good. And the good thing about them was that they werent too serious, and they were very short, and you could do them relatively quickly.

16

But when I got to Devon I started downloading and listening to more different music, I realised that there was so much moreI was so impoverished, musically. There was so much more to learn. and as the weed started going andbecause the thing is, personally; I dont know how other musicians; I get to the stage where, you are writing songs and then you smoke, you end up just doing anything so that you can listen to something when youre high. And I remember, I had smoked the last joint of the two Ounces, and I was lying in bed, and I was just gripped by this horrible realisation that, whilst the stuff I was doing was ok, it was nowhere near as good as I thought it was, nor near as good as what other people were doing. And I just got absolutely panic-stricken, because Id spent the last ten years of my life doing music, and that was it. And, in all truth, I didnt know anything. Id been completely reluctant to learn anything at school, because I couldnt get over the fact that these people who I didnt respect where trying to teach me stuff, and I just refused to learn it. So I just you just study for exams and you instantly forget it, and I found myself at the age of 24/25 just, not knowing anything of the world. Not knowing anything about, really, Politics, sort of History, or anything. And just being very, very scared about the idea that Id beenthey basically tell you that school, and University, and Colleague, theyre preparing you for your life. And I realised that Id finished all of that; I was in a new place; I was very much mature, biologically mature, whatever, you know. And I realised that I hadnt prepared myself for it. And so the weed run out; and I thought: Im going to take this opportunity that Ive been given to study.

17

Chapter Three
Its surprisingly easy to stop smoking weed when youre in an environment that is actually quite enjoyable. See I think that the problem with peoplepeople addicted to weed; you always get the sort of terrible News Night sort of exposes, about the dangers of marijuana in England or anything. And you see some of these people, and reallyhow I see it; its a very good drug to, if you have nothing else to do, just a good way to pass time. Malcolm once said: In the same way that youd smoke a cigarette to pass the time whilst waiting for a bus; smoking weed, it, passes a day just as easily. I think there is quite a lot of truth in that. And I think that a lot of the problem with people who are addicted towho think; who are conceivably addicted to weedis that theyve, theyre just quite despairing. They find themselves in positions where there is literally nothing else going for them. I mean this is obviously very; vagueno not vague; its veryI mean, Im extrapolating. But theres some truth to that. And the good thing about stopping smoking weed; which Id been doing since, literally, theI mean from say the third year of Uni, which was 2007, up until 2011 maybe. 4 or 5 years of something like that. And you stopped, and I realised that Id woken up in this idyllic, sort of bucolic splendour. And there was nothing really to worry about. And the not smoking gave rise tothere was a number of factors; also the fact that Id got a job working in a Bentham Mills in Dartmouth, doing four hours a day, 6til 10 in the morning. And it was just a just a quite nice store and they were quite nice people there. And it was really sort ofit was like a Bertrand Russell working day; being that thats what he suggests in The Importance of Idleness or The Importance of Being Idle. And so I found myself working four hours a day, and it allowed me to get up relatively early; do what I had to, do my work; and youd get back and youd have some food, and then you got a good bulk, a good six hours of free time to just do whatever you felt you wanted to do.

18

And what I tended to was justI had an awful to of philosophy books, and literature that I hadnt read. Id bought it but, you know, I bought it more out of a sort of greed of stuff. Like you collect things; I collected these books because it gave the appearance of intellectualism, without actually havingyou know it was a faade. And I had all these books. And I had this little third floor cubby that I was ensconced in. And it was very quiet, because my Dads 60, or pushing 60, and him and his wife and Unas 90, of courseand so it was very tranquil, and Im a very quiet person anyway. And it was just so peaceful. And theyd bought me a computer, because I remember uponwhen I first got there I had a little strop; a sort of petulant strop, because the computer that Id brought with me wasnt working; it didnt load the music software, so I was ess entially fucked; and also Id come up with my brother a sister on the train, and Id yet to smoke, and I was very agitated. Anyways, I got sort of rebuked for that. But then they went out because at the bottom of it, my Dadhes just a very, very caring personand he bought this computer and it was absolutely brilliant; and Im still using it to this day, even though its starting to make odd sounds. And I basically, I spent the hours; the bulk of the afternoon; up to the evening, just learning. And I would read philosophy; Id watch just endless I mean, when I was at Bentham Mills working nights, Id listen to a lot ofId like to this of it as essentially, Idthe year working nights and all the lectures had given me a very good base knowledge of things; of varied, heterogeneous, topics. And I was still completely, I was very high all the time, and so when I stopped smoking, and Id had all of this built up knowledge, as if Id done very well in school; when it fact I hadnt, or university, or colleague: Id scrapped through them all. But this year of listening to lectures, and actually listening to them, gave meit was as if I had degree level qualifications. And then the yearI could hone certain specific areas, or just things that I found interesting. And I remember I didnt know much about geography; I know nothing about geography, being that I didnt see the point of it; which I think is quite an insight into the solipsistic view I had as a kid; you know, if I cant see it, it doesnt really affect me. So I took to learning geography; just in silly ways, really: playing quiz, maps quizzes on the internet. But you do them ceaselessly, until you know everything. I remember at a point I knew everyI mean its not the biggest achievement, but its ok. And I dont remember them now, to the degree; but I remember I knew every country in the world. And place

19

them on a map. And Africa, and all that: and I thought that was very, very good. And I downloaded a stupendous amount of documentaries on history: world history; World Warespecially the Vietnam War; Second World War. I read awhen I leftwhen I firstwhen I got back from Uni, and I started Basically, when I left Uni; I started getting interested in Existentialism. That sort of: Camus, Sartre, Nietzsche, Kierkegaard stuff. But I used that mainly for artistic reasons; I was trying toSam and I had made awe had this idea for doing an EP; a concept EP, which is Ludacris. The idea that youre gonna no one knew us, and the idea that we were going to break with this amazing, fantastical, rich and deep, concept EP. And I wasnt really singing at that point, just mainly sort of beat poetId bought a lot of poetry: Ginsberg, and the beat poets; I liked the way that theyd flowed. So I basically was reading Nietzsche; not understanding a word of it; or all that stuffs so vague that you it impresses on you whatever you want it to; which is why I think its quite a dangerous philosophy toand also I think thats why its so successfulfor people to read, because you dont really understand it to any sort of level of knowledge that can be understood by a group of people. So youll just get atomised people just thinking that this, these philosophers are speak to them, and just getting it all wrong. And for that you build up delusions of grandeur, and it all very sort of dangerous, in my eyes. But whilst I was reading all that stuff, whilst I was writing for this EP, and afterwards I got interested in philosophy, in general; because I think it is a very interesting topic; and I can remember exactly how I got to it but I remember watching an interview with Noam Chomsky. And I just remember for the firstthe interviewer asked him a question about his beliefs, his views; and from the first moment he espoused what his opinions were, I just felt an unbelievable affinity with someone, for the, I think probably the first timeat least the first intellectual Ive ever felt any affinity for. University was essentiallythey build; when youre at school, they say Alevels are gonna be completely different; you go up, and theyre justAlevels are exactly the same as GCSEs; and then you think Unis going to be different; because you have this idea of the America campus ingrained in your head, from years of watching television; and you go there and its exactly the same: People talking about stuff, and if I was honest, the reason I didnt go to muchand I really went to nothing!I didnt go to much because I didnt understand what they were talking about.
20

I really just didnt understand, they wereI mean some of the things that they were saying; most of the things that they were saying I simply did not understand or agree with. And I was watching this YouTube clip, just on in a computer screen, of this man, and Iintellectual man, who was wearing just generic, sort of wrangler jeans, and I completelyand the way he spoke, and what he was espousingI felt very, very comI felt: FUCK! YES! EXACTLY! Thats what I think! And its notbut its not in a way that youd be likeits not manipulative. Its not using your intellect; like I think some a lot most people, most intellectuals do: using your intellect to almost, its almost sophistry. Its a way, a clever way to trick you into agreeing with something that you, if you really think about it, dont agree with. And this was the first person who I thought, you know: This guy does nothes just talking fromI mean hes very clever and very articulate, but its justhe doesnt seemits just There was a simplicity to him that I found so comforting. It was such a profound thing to find, and So as soon as I stopped smoking, and started to think: Fuck! You knowI wanna learn And by this pointed Id really hit it, cause I thought: You know if Im not gonnamusics a dead end, this isIm not that way inclined; Im too much of a thinker to do thisso what else am I going to do?! And so I started thinking, you know: Ill be a philosopher! Obviously you go from one to the otherthat easily. But anyway I started watching and reading just adevouring everything he wrote and it coloured my Because, the best thing about Chomsky ishe explains the way that indoctrination works. The way that school works: it sort of filters out the free thinkers or the people whoand it is essentially; you are auditioning people to take place in a society, that is already sort ofcogs in motion; its going a certain way. The people who are deemed appropriately sort of suited to it will get ahead; and the ones who dont, you know, they can just fuck off, and eke out livings doing whatever. And the good thing is, because I was so reluctant toIve naturally quite a good brain; Im very good at telling people what they want to hear, and
21

thats very good when youre writing essays, and when youreso I managed to blag my way through a lot of stuff, just throughI could cram for stuff; and youd get pass through with bs and cs and stuff like that, but you didnt, you didnt excel in anything, and you never espoused any of your actual opinions, you just regurgitate stuff that youd read from textbooks. But I never really took any of it really seriously. And the good thing was, I wasnt a partId completely ostracised myself from any sort of society. I wasnt a part of anything. And so, when I did learn, I learntsee the hard thing is when you realise that a lot of stuff that people are saying may not necessarily bebasically, its very hard to find, to findyou must be aware that history is, or sort of any sort of history of, or overview or anything, is gonna be coloured by the person whose writing it; and by the people who deem that The Story. And so finding out what is actually going on in the world is very, very hard. And it requires ayou have to reallysource material; you have to get reliable source material. And so what I tended to do, is I used Noam Chomsky as a starting point for my education. And through him I found a number of very, very influential and profound thinkers: Bertrand Russell, being of course one of them, because heChomsky is amazingly influenced by Bertrand Russell; and justsort of Howard Zinnyou know these are just namestheres just, lots and lots peopleone would call them left leaning people; and, you know, if you wanna call them that: fine. Im not particularlyI dont believe it can be that it is that simple, but people will say: left leaning, sort of Marxist, Communist, Socialist sort of whatever you wannaif you wanna call it that, II pity you because its far more complex than that. But, you know, that sort of people. And thats And then And for about six months I just studied like I was at University and I wanted to be the best student thatI wanted to be top of the class. Obviously, you know, there was no one to compare with: which is, in itself, quite hard. But So I did that for a great deal of timesix months maybeand I started thinking about, you know, going to; do a Masters in something. But because I got a 2:2: because I essentially didnt go to anything, and blagged my way through the entire of Uni. Every year I got a letter saying: If you dont pass, you cant come back; because you have contried hard enough.

22

And, you know, I passed; as much as I needed to. And I retook somethings, but it didnt really matter because it wasntit was allI wasnt learning; I was just turning up and doing things that they wanted me to do. And so I leftI got a 2:2 in the end; which isnt bad considering how little I did. And but for a masters you need to its a bit harder. You know, youre limited in where you want to go. But I found an Ethics course; because I was very interested in sort of, morality and, you know, the good life, and how to live. And there was an Ethics course in Brighton that I thought: You know what; I can meet some likeminded people and, try thatand thatll be amazing. And So I applied for that, and got accepted to it. And the plan was toI believe it was toa deferred entry I believe. There as a course that was starting in a couple of months, but I decided to defer it for a year so that I could save some money up; I was earning some money from working at Bentham Mills; so I was doing that. And it was all very good. So yeah I was having a really quiteId learnt to ride a scooter; because after a couple of months of waking up at five in the morning, my Dad and Annabel didnt really want to do it anymore. The thing about Strete is its about five miles from Dartmouth; and you cant walk it; its very hilly. I thought about getting a bike and they thought that was insane, because you knowit might have been. And I basically enrolled in a scooter course and got a scooter, and my dad paid for it and I was gonna pay him back monthly and stuff like that. And so I had this scooter, and I used to just, you couldit gives you the freedom to scoot around and Dartmouth is a lovely place and I got into just, you know, Hindustani Indian classical music. I used to walk around Dartmouth just; it was almost likeOne of my favourite books that Ive read is The Age of Reason, Sartres The Age of Reason, not really;more than anything, I love the idea of the sort of the outsider, intellectual, walking around a beautiful town or city; and thats the reason I like the novel. So I used to take to just walking aroundI didnt have much money; but I didnt spend much. I never really cared for it. And I dont me that in a sort of Anti-Conformist way; I just always whenever Ive had it, Ive always had this horrible feeling that its going, its gonna go. And its better not to have it than toits an oddI alwaysit give memoney scares me. It feels me with a fear that I cant really under explain. Its justwhenever Id got it itsI dont knowI justI feel a dread that Im gonna wake up and its not gonna be there

23

and Im gonna need it, for things; cause Ive got used to having it and its not gonna be there. And Ive always felt almost you know if thats the case, its better not to have it. And just, enjoy life without having money. It, you know, infuriates all my family, because theymost of my family grew up sort of 80s Thatcher, and sort of Gecko. You know, and I think that the idea that people can have fun without money is foreign to them and therefor dangerous or scary or something, I dont know. I cant even begin to sort of get into their psychology regarding money. So I found myself just gloriously clearheaded and, and angry But not angrybut there was a way to direct the anger becauseI spent a great deal of time.Ever since I was a kid, I spent a great deal of time watching telly. I used to have a video of Masters of the Universe until my cousin stole ithe still will not admit to stealing it. But, you know honesty ishonesty is unbearably light; and deception and lies are heavy; they weight you down, so you know; hes gonna have to carry that with him: most people will . I used to watch it over and over and over again, until I got: At the centre of the Universe, At the border between the light and the dark, Stands castle Greyscull. For countless ages the Sorceress of Greyscull, Has kept this Universe in harmony; But the army of darkness do not rest, And the capture of Greyscull is ever most in the mind: For those who control Greyscull come the power The power to be complete, The power to be all mighty, The power to be: MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. See this stuff is literally; through the process of inculcation; embedded in me. Ive always found itinculcation is a very good way to learn: Certain things. Obviously its bad if youre learningif youre forced to learn stuff that is against your nature. But I find its a good way to learn; especially

24

quotes and stuff like that. But anyway I used to watch; just watch TV constantly, to be honest, andlike most people, I guess. Or most people now days do it; I feel that I was sort of ahead of the curve that way, and Ive sort of managed to see the errors of my way; whilst people are still sort of immersed in it, and they dont realise the danger of it. And so I used to watch lots and lots and lots telly. And I basically you get to the stage wherenot only was I you know bored of music and stuff, but Id literally watched most things. Most TV shows. Most Films and stuff like that. Just from, I just its a very sort of pleasure, you know itsits almost sinful; just constant gratification justlying downthe obliviation of the selfjust watch these things; just let it happen to you; and just eat; and just smoke, and stuff like that: Unbelievably sort of indulgent But anyway. I got to the stage where Id watched most things; but what I hadnt watched was documentaries. And History documentaries; and very, very good onesif you search for a good documentary series itstheyre so affective, its amazing. And so I used this constantthis want to just watch telly or anything. And I used it to my advantage. And I basically watched like I say: The Peoples History of The World; The History of The Second World War; Vietnamjust all sort of that sort of stuff. And that made me very, very angry. But its angry in a sort of righteous way, like. Its a wayI found that, that sort of stuff; when you reading actual History or Social Issues or World Current Events and stuff like that, and your angry; angered by that; thats much moretheres a sort of sense of justification for the anger. You know; whereasbecause I always get this feeling that the angers veryyou know, the angers there. Its a reaction to something. Its inside of your self. But its much more justified if your anger about things that are you know just objectively wrong. As opposed to being angry by the fact thatjust the fact that theres no milk; or the fact that it wasnt your turn to wash up but youre still gonna have to wash up, and you justand people, people have so much anger in them; about such trivial matters. And its so sad. And so basically, I found myselfwhen the New Year approached, and I decidedIm mean, I spoke to Roman, and I was like: You know what, Mate The good thing about Roman The funny thing about Roman is Roman was born on the 31st of December. And its a constant bane to his life, because he is a Muslim person, who not only cant celebrate his birthday; asbecause his parents
25

dont believe in itor they dontI wouldnt say they dont believe in it; I think its different in Muslim culture. There isnt as much importance on Birthdays and that, because obviouslymaybe theyre sensible enough and they realise that a lot of it is due to with consumerism. But anyway, he is doubly unlucky because his birthday is on the 31st of December so, not only do his parents not care about his birthday, but most of his friends dont see it as his birthday; they see it as New Years Eve. But, there is a benefit to that, being thatits like a double celebration. So we always used to celebrate New Yearsbut I wasnt going to go down that year cause for whatever reason, didnt have any holiday and stuff like that. And then I realised that it would be nice. And that I could buy some weed. And so I spoke to him, and made arrangements to go down to see him. And basically hed moved to a different place. He had broken up with Shona because she hadI mean hed been broken up with her before Id left because shed gone on a date with someone else. And hed found out because hed rifled through her bags, and found two tickets to Cirque Du Soleiland that was before I had left. And so he was single. And basically, I thought Id go down and see his new place. And then Id found out that Kym had moved into Malcolm and Lenas house. Sam hadbasically, Sam had outstayed his welcome; hed basically not got a job the entire time that hed been there, and hed had to move home, and hed, I think, got a job in Brighton, at that time. And Kym had moved down to London because she had broken up with her boyfriend who had cheated on her, and wanted a change, I guess; and had moved in with Malcolm and Lena. And Malcolm and Lena were away for the New Years; In Germany, because Malcolms German, and probably went to be with his family. And that was the second time I saw her.

26

Chapter Four
I cant really remember the actual New Year; because Id got Roman to pick up a Ounce from my Uncle who had picked up from Paul. So I was completely zonked. There are some pictures. I remember sitting downI was told I was just sitting down, pretty zonked the whole time. The day beforeId went down, I think, the day before New Years Eve. Roman picked me up from the station with Sam. And I remember just being very happy to be in London with my mates. And then we went back to his new flat, which was goodI like going to a new location; I find it interestingits exciting, and its not familiar. And it was quite an old house. And his room was very, very deep inside the house; you could be noisy and it was quite a big room, in of itself. And when we got there he mentioned that Kym was living with Malcolm and Lena, and that we were going to go and see her; maybe go out for a drink or something. And so thats what we did. Malcolm and Lena live in aever since they moved to Londonafter Uni, they lived in a flat in Peckham Rye. And its relatively quite small; but we often just stayed there: Crashing on the sofas. And they were always very nice and hospitable; we got to know them quite well at Uni. Because whilst they were Romansbasically Roman: We all went to school together. And we were in the same classes; the same year. And we went to colleague together. And we all applied for Uni at the same time, and Roman went to; me and Roman both applied for Law. And both failed at getting the grades to actually get into to any sort of place. We both applied for the University of Canterbury. But; as is the standard way for a University; they came back to us and said, you know: You havent got the grades for Law; but Politics and International Relations will accept you. And so basically Roman decided to pick that because he was just we lived in a, at that time: The school that we went to was in a town called Hailsham, and it was a place, I later discovered; that was given to Lord Hailsham, a massive Conservative. And it was a very, quite reactionary place: very white; just really quite ugly, politically. People were just very, quite narrow mindedand
27

Roman wanted to; being one of the only Asian people there, wanted to and also he had the curry house, so I can imaginehe used to work there. And I can imagine all the abuse that he suffered at the hands of just ignorant and just dangerously stupid white people, pretty much coloured his view on life, I guess. And he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible; quite rightly. And so he went to Uni of Canterbury; and me a Sam stayed; me and Sam stayed back; actually I rememberI decided to take a year out to retake some failed modules, and try and get into the Law, to do Law; because my Dad always said that: You should be a Lawyer. I did like to please my Dad. And I remember once we were at his house; wed just finished A-Levels; and he i.e. Sam was saying that he wanted to leave, and I remember saying to him something like: Ah, you cant go; without your Guitaristry; its just gonna be me babbling incomprehensibly! But anyway, he decided that to take a year out. And so Roman went to Uni a year before us. And it turned out that after the year Id managed to not even get anymore grades. And so Iso I applied for Law at the University of Kent, and then got the same letter back saying: No. You have got the grades for that, but, you know, Politics and International Relations will accept you. And I thought: Fuck it. Yeah. Thatll be good. Because I thoughtreading up on Political literature and all that sort of stuff would be very good for lyrics. And so I went to Uni a year after Hab. And Sam went to Southampton Solent; being that was one of the only ones that he could get into; he did media. And so basically Malcolm and Hannah Roman had met Malcolm through some people that he met when he went to Uni. And Lena was a friend who slowlyit was quite sweet reallyfor years Malcolm and Lena were just friends and friend and friends, and everyone knew that they were gonna get together; just from sheer persistence on Lenas part. And so basically by the third year of Uni; when Roman had leftbecause Malcolm and Lena were doing law; Lena had gone to Amsterdam for a year, her year out; and I think Malcolm had gone to Germany or, I think.

28

But by the third year Roman had left. And it becameMalcolm and Lena were doing their final year, with their friendand our friendBen; who was working in Canterbury, after finishing Uni. And because wed know each other, and wed spend quite a lot of time getting high Malcolm was a massive Stoner; but then in the third year of Uni hed quit. So anyway; events transpired, and weSam and myself found ourselves essentially living that their house in Canterbury, in Cossington Road. And so basicallyId moved; got to the stage whereId broken up with my girlfriend; my long my girlfriend who Id been with pretty much for the whole time of Uni. So the third year Id pretty muchId fobbed off my housemates, who I found just insanely naive and just irritating. And just taken to just slowly migrating my stuff from, when they werent there, from my house to Malcolm and Lenas. And so wed spent a great deal of time with Malcolm and Hannah, and become very good friends with them. And so when we all finished Uni; and we all did our separate things; we still kept in touch and came down, and we all knew each other very well; all quite good friends. And so they were living in this house in Peckham Rye. And they had this spare room, whichto begins with I believe Pete stayed there. For a whilehe was there when he hooked up with Kym, in the first instance that I met her. He was livingthat was his room. And then Sam moved in. And then he stayed there for a great deal of time, until he, like I say; got essentially sort of strong armed out by Malcolm and Lena because he hadnt really contributed anything. And he has a habit of being very, very self-pitying, andhes a lovely person, but it becomes just unbearable at times. And so Sam moved out and Kym moved in. So the day before New Years, I found myself in London with Sam and Roman. And wedand Roman had befriended Kym, because Kym had moved down from up North and hadnt; didnt really know anyoneand you know moving to a new city is daunting for anyone. And so he befriended her. And so we went and met her at the house. And when we got thereI mean like a say, its all very; in my mind its all very vague, but little things stick out. And I remember we went to the pub. And I remember being quite stoned and not really being able to speak. It wasnt for want of trying or anything. And I thoughtI think in hindsight it came off quite rudebut you know I never meant it. Its justI hadnt smoked weed in a while; and different weed has different effects on you. And this particular batch of weed made me very reticent, I guess.

29

But before wed gone to the pub, wed gone to Peckham to pick up Abby. And she was very, very excited; shes got; shes got a veryshes just got a very lovely way about her; she very, very charming. I mean shes the sort of person who is completely unaware of just how, just how lovely she is. And it just makes her completely endearing. And I always get the feeling that most people who meet her just, they sort of get enamoured of her. Im certain most of us were, I, you know, I feel that I, whilst, I articulateIm an honest person. And I was just more honest about it than most. I think most people where crushing on her something fierce I think. And so she wasand I remember being at the table, drinkingId bought red wine. I was drinking quite a lot of red wine. And she was thinking about what to wear for the New Years. And she had too outfits picked out. And one was aits was a beautiful dress; but it looked you know, its was a very flashy goey out dress. But like functionally it was, it was going to be a problem. And she had another one, which was sort of a bit more casual. And she asked what everyone thought. And Sam and Roman said: Yeah. You know, lovely. They all look lovely. And was like, I said: You know, yeah. The dress is absolutely beautiful. But, you gotta remember that youre gonna be out all night. And, you know, youre gonna haveif you wanna haveyou know, you wanna be able to move and have fun, and stuff like that. And I remember her being quiteI dont knowshe seemed to be very responsive to the honesty of it, I guess. Or the fact that it was actually quite sound advice. That she probably wasnt used to hearing. Because shes very, very pretty, and I get the feeling that, from talking to her and being around her that, often shes just objectified. And it must be an odd, an odd, odd feelingIve always thought being female; especially pretty ones, is a very strange sort of situation because especially in our culture. You really are just completely treated as this object that is there toand Im talking about everyone; not everyone thinks this way. I just mean from my experience at lot ofand from my sort of class; although Im pretty sure it goes up. Or it permeates the whole sort of class system. But just pretty women are almostas soon as you realise that someone is pretty, it becomes there thing, you know. Its very much about the body;
30

very much about theI dont want to say the flesh because it sounds pompous. But its very much about what you look like, as to what you are like. And Ive neverbeing that Im, being that I cant really get over the fact that most women to me just look utterly beautiful. Andjust by fact of them not being men. Im a man. I dontIm not attracted to men; Im attracted to women. And its, Ive always, Ive started to get this feeling that, you know, Im attracted to all of them: Just all of them; Everywhere. So I told her thisgave her my advice. And we went out for the New Yearobviously she picked the pretty constricting dress, because Pete was coming. And so we outI dont remember much of it. There are a couple of pictures; but mainly of me just looking spaced out; my head looking bizarrely shaped, as well. And on New Years Daywhich I always prefer; because I never remember New Years Eve; I often do stuff that is just mortifying. And New Years Day means that we can essentially mong out; eat junk food; and just be in another room with other people and watch films and stuff like that. And thats what we did. Weit was, I think; me, Roman, Sam, Kym and Pete. In a roomfive people in a room with one double bed. And there was a littleI think Sam had make himself a little; as always Sam has no problem getting comfortable. Hes merciless at gettingif ever there is a position for him to get comfortable, he, Sam gets comfortable. And we basically spent the New Years Day just watching films; eating KFC; and getting highat least, Sam and I did; the others just sort of just relaxed. And the only other thing I remember really of the trip wasbasically Pete and Kym hadtheyd alltheyd slept in a bedit was Roman, Pete and Kym who had slept in a bed for New Years Eve. And I remember; probably when Kym had left or something like that, Pete mentioning the fact that he was sleeping next to Abby, and hed woke up and he was poking his di-boner into her back, or back of her sort of bottom, and that was fun. And then on the New Years Day, Id happened to wrangle myself onto the bed for a bit, even thoughmuch to the rancour of Roman, and Pete sort of, it wasHaving a woman aroundhaving a female around, itI cant help but feel that it bring out this sort of, very sort of base, animal, sort of, you knoweveryones a, is competition. And its justI find it very hard because no one really talks about it.

31

And so you seeyou get these sort of piercing glares, causebasically, Id been tired of lying on the floor, next to Sam. Cause I tendId been doing it for about five years, and, you know what, Id got a bit bored of it. And so I thought: Ah. Ill get myself onto this comfy bed. And basically KymI think Kym had been on the phone of something. And she came back in the room, and sheand Roman was like: Mike. Move. Get the fuck outta the way. Let Kym get on the bed. And I was like: Well yeah like I will. But Im; you know: Im still being on the bed. I dont want to be on the floor for a bit. And I rememberso basically Pete got sweezed into the corner, Roman got into the middle, Kym got in, and I was sort of on the end. And I was next to Kym and cause I was highIve very aware of the sensations and stuff like that. And our arms were touching. And she saidI was wearingbefore Id gone down Id bought this grey sort of John Rocha sort of generic sort of fleecy thing. And it was very warm and very comfortable. And I remember just, at one point, Kym saying: That fleece seems warm. And it made me feel quitefilled me with quite a good feeling. And irregardless of the fact that I was acutely aware that she was probably saying it to make Pete jealous. But I was happy you know. I was happy to have just been quite close to someone. Because it hadnt it really hadnt happened for quite a long time.

32

Chapter Five
Id met K in the first few weeks of Uni; at the beginning of Uni. And we got together; as normal. The way I see it; the way that normally people get together, at Uni; or just generally is just: they go out; get absolutely smashed. Then they get with someone. And then you either sleep with them, and therefore youve got over the main hurdle, and the you can sort of get to know each other; now what youve both established that your functioning sexual animals. Andor you know, you do it and its a slow sort of you hook up every so often and stuff like that. Very few people I know; actually have met anyone outside of getting pissed. I mean maybe Im hanging around with the wrong peoplewell evidently! ButErm I met her and you know we hooked up. And then we started spending time together. And evidentially we were dating. And she was my first she was my first girlfriend. And she was just lovely. She was just really we were very similar. And by that I mean Id never met anyone who I got on with that well. You know, male or female. And but you know we were very young. And I think like that first loveI have a theory about it. I have a theory that if you dont stay with the person who you fell in love with, the first time youve ever fallen in love; youve somehow missedI dont know; you dont; you cant go back from it I dont think. I mean, maybe its my romantic nature or something like that: From watching too many films. But, it seems like if you go out with someone and you fall in love with them, and its your first love. And you get married and you have kids and stuff like that; and you grow up you know. Its a different kind of experience to if youyou break up with your first love, and you continue on and stuff like that: Becauseyou get hardened to everything. And from what I can understand of it What happened was, we werewe essentially lived together. Basically we were together for, I think, two years. Like I say, my memory is really not very good with dates. You know because I dont really feel that time is that well defined. I guess. I dont know. But anyway, I think we were together for two years. And we spent a great deal of time just with each other. We neither of us wentfirst year we
33

neither of us really left her dormitory. We justwe watched endless films. We had a stupendous amount of sex. And we just spend time together, doing things that couples do. Sort of, we just: we were just always together. And then what happened wasat the end of the first year, whilstIm very good at blagging my way through things; and she had done theshe had not been going to anything because, you know, wed been too busy just exploring each others bodies. And it was so amazing! Like I cant stress enough just thehow much fun we actually had. We justwe were, we were soshe was so much fun! She was justwe had our own little language. And we were all verywe playwe were very childish; and very affectionate towards each other; And just veryjust very open: At the beginning. And thenand then basically what happened is, I gotwe got to the end of the year. And we all took our exams and stuff like that. And Id managed to scrape throughCause all you need to do is pass your first year. First year is that ridiculous. It basically.It .Its like; it allows people who havent achieved, who haventsee I did Politics, and so basically the first year is for people who didnt do Politics at A-Level. It teaches basically A-level Politics. And its a really a quite stupidone of the veryone of theyou know University is justits ridiculous. But anyway I passed; and she failed. Because what shed doneshed not submitted anything. I mean Id been submitting just shamefully plagiarised work. I mean at one pointId got a couple of zeros because there was literally differentthe fonts were different, depending on where Id taken the text from. And this was before Wikipedia got so big. So you could really use Wikipedia in quite a great way; especially if youd used the original source material from Wikipedia. And so Id passed; and she failed. And she always;and I think that that was just the start of the end of it. Because she got in trouble with her parents; who took it to be a massive failure; and at one point she was gonna leave; and I was very reluctant to let her leave: because she was just too much fun. And so the second year it, you knowShe started taking it more seriously. I assume because she had to. Because you know what: she couldnt afford to fuck around. And I continued doing what I did, which was basically nothing. And plus she had to getbasically another reasonshe had to get a job to pay her way. Because her parents had sort of help her through the first year; but since she was retaking the first year

34

she wasshe had to find for herself; she had to get a job in a FUCK or something like that. And she hated it. She was.She was the most sensitive little thing. And there boss was quite a twat. Because she was obviously; K was such a, she was dainty and she was absolutely beautiful. And she was like porcelain white; brunette. And she justvery good fashion sense. And you couldI, you could.I could imagine many people resenting her. Like if you were a girl and you saw her, youd think she was a twat, I guess, because people are very jealous. And basicallyand also I started in the second year I started hanging around inRoman had gotin the second year Roman had got this massive house in Canterbury, on Downs Road. And it was like a six bedroom house. And Malcolm was over from Germany for times, and hed just pick up. And theyd play C. Manager. And our friend Ben lived there. And so did Morgan, our close friend. And basically it was a perfect placeand Luigi, our friend, and some of our otherthese were all Romans friends that you know you sort of befriended through Hab. And it was really quite a great sort of placeyou know by the end it was just an absolute pigsty. There was like black bin liners mounting the walls of the back of the house. Just because there wasit was so slovenly; And perfectly studenty. And Id started going around thereand Id stoppedbecause the first year was just very much just drinkingdrinking, drinking, drinking, drinking .I hadnt really smoked weed. And I rememberI remember the only time Id smokedthe first time Id ever smoked weed wasme and my Uncle werethis was before. My uncle was taking me on a trip to Ireland, around Ireland. As hed promised it, and;When the time came I really dont think he was really in the mood for it becauseyou know he pass probably very stressed at work and then youve got this sort of 19 year old; quite a nave just; shy; idiot kid; who youve got to take around and pay your way for because Id save some money but not nearly as much as he thought I would. And basically the first time I; and I remember that Id been drinking with my Dad. And Id got my stuffI think I wasthat wasI was working at Siti. Again, it was a summer. And I think that was.May have been even the first time I had worked there. And Id just finished a stint of working at Siti. And I went to my Uncles place in Leatherhead. And I was quite drunk and stuff like that. And I was excited about this journey of discovery that we were to go on. And my Uncle has always been a massive smoker. And he was smoking and you knowdoing his stuff. And I said something like, you know:
35

I believe this to be a journey of discovery. And with that proviso, I think its verytime I startI try weed. I try smoking. And he was like: Yeah: Thats fine. And basically what he did, is IId smoked a bit andI mean he rolls just the best, most amazing spliffsEver! I mean, he packs ththere so, there so perfectlyits makes what you smoke at Unithis sort of terribly meagre weed, just makesits laughable compared to the stuff that he smokes. And you know subsequently Ive started smoking. And so I smoked some of this. And then he said: Come in here. And I went into the back of one of his rooms. And he said: Listen to this! And I listened to Born Slippy for the first time. And justsensationsand just it was pretty affective. And it was amazing. And you just likebut the thing is Id been drinking a lot as well. And you know thats never a good sort of mixand anyway. By the end of the song I just had to run to the toilet and I just spewed everywhere. Like most peoples first you know, weed story you know: I was drunk, smoked some weed, and ended up vomiting. But anywayId taken to that was the first time Id smokedand that was just before Uni. And I done some; but not much, you know like, because Id beenthe people I was with whereI was hanging around with mainly K. And we werent reallywe didnt really do anything besides drink, and go out, and sort of, do that sort of stuff. But Roman had started getting in to smoking; and had all these smoker friends. And so when he got Downs Roadwhich was essentially just a smokers haventhat was when you started realising the benefits of just, sitting down, and getting just absolutelystoned. And youd just watch The Simpsons, and laugh your tits off. Or just anythingand theyd be playing C. Man, and me and Sam would just be watching shit telly and just laughing at stupid ignorant people, on the telly. And there was justit got. It was then that you started the switch between: Wait there, you know whatI dont really want to go out and get absolutely hammered every night andbecause Im not having a very good experience. Im justIm not really remembering any of it, butthis weed is making

36

quite a profound effect on the way that you think; on the way that you experience things. And so I was going there more and moreand anyway So the first year with us was really quite, was quite amazing. And it was carefree and stuff like that; and then the second year things started to make a shift. Because, the thing was, sheI couldnt help but think she sort of resented me forfor passing the year or; or causing her to fail. And, its justthe thing was, the longer I was with herand I was very much different from how I am now, you know. And I was very, much moreone would tend to say normal; and by that I mean like a normal sort of 20th century guy. I was dreadfully insecure. I thought I was it! And I had a lot of prejudices. And a lot of quite bad vices: in thought. I mean quite closed minded, and stuff like that. And I lied.I was a liar.I used to lie all the time. You know just to impress people. Tolike take for example, when I first got there i.e. Uni, I told people that I had one kidney. And the reason Id told people that I had one kidney is that my sister found out just before I left that she had one kidney, and I thought it was a very good story. You know it wasthere was no malice, it wasand I was trying to impress people, I think. I was just insecure and I was trying to impress people. Because I didnt think that me being truthful was enough to make me interesting to people. And at that point in time, I believe that to be the case. I think at that point in my life, I had to exaggerate the truth because the reality just wasnt interesting; I was just unbelievably ordinary. Which isnt a bad thing; but I didnt want to be ordinary; I wanted to be special. Because you grow up and youyoure told that you, you knowthe TV points at you and says: Youre special. You can do anything you want. Or your parents go: Youre special. You can do anything you want. And you sort of believe it. Andbut you; but theres always a part of you thats like: Ah. You know. If Im so special; I dont really have to try. But anyway, I used to lie; compulsively. Andand I remembera story that really stuck in to my headI was once.Cause basically Sexuality is an odd thing: especially in modern times. And she was a virgin; and I was essentially; together we were learning how to sort of
37

explore sexuality and stuff like that. And it got verywe got verygot side-tracked in to sort of thisinto sort of pleasure. And I dont knowI never spoke to her about it. Because we literally do not talk now; but I always felt that, you know, wed get caught up in doing these things. And at the time they were wonderful. But the guilt, and the sort ofand theres like a tracetheres a lasting trace of what we did, that sort of affects the way that you view this person who youyoure meant to love. I rememberwe were talking once aboutlikeIve always been sort of quite hilariously inept at being, prototypically blokey-sexual. Like, for example: Dirty Talk WhenI remember once. Basically I was talking dirty, and I kept getting pronouns wrong. So instead of saying: I want toI want you to suck my dick! I ended up saying: I want you to suck your dick! You know just stupid stuff. Because, you knowI think its because I justIm soits so alien to me. In reality likeI dont want to grab your head and sort of force you to gobble my cock. Its just fucking repulsive, you know like. If Im with a girl, I want to sort of just celebrate just them. Justtheyre so lovely, and itsit doesnt have to be that sort of grotesque, sort ofits sort of mirroring pornwhich is essentially what it was. We were watching a huge amount of pornography together. And I rememberthe thing that really stuck in my head wasonce we were having an argument, and often shed, when we were talking; and when we were sort of pleasuring each other; shed mention her friend, who, she was quite close withand she came round. Basically, K was from Bromley, and her friend came up form Bromley once; and she i.e. K was always saying how, how pretty she was and stuff like that. And I remember once, we were having an argument. And I brought up the fact thatI dont know how it happened, but I mentioned the fact that shed often bring in the idea of bringing this girl in as a you know and how she sort ofshed tell me whilst we were sort of pleasuring one another, that she had fantasies about her friend. And I remember when she was anger once, she was like It was almost like she was resentful of me. And it got to that stage; but we stillyou still perfunctorily carry on having sex with each other. And pleasuring one another; because who else is gonna do it? Youre stuck in
38

this situation with this person that youve grown to sort of detest. But you still need to gratify yourself sexually so fuck it! So anyway, I think I must have brought that in; ill-advisedly brought that in to play. And she looked at me in quite a sort oflike an awful way. And she just said: Dont say that! Or something like that. And I was like: ww-yy yy; you know. I thought you; you liked that sort of stuff? And she went: No! I only said it because thats what you wanna hear! And I thought: Oh my God! Because I was very aware that I was being dishonest with her; just in little things, but you know, the picture ofessentially I think what you do is. You project a view of yourself that is close enough so you that, that can be sort of digested by another person, so that they dont run away screaming. Because lets face it, most people really, if there, in the especially in the modernbut I assumeI keep saying in the modern age, but I assume that you know in everythingisPeople are just theyve gottheyre flawed; theyre very, very, very, flawed. And theres this sort of presupposition that people are perfect. And it ends up that you sort of project this fake person onto yourself. Or you knowthat is easy to digest for the other person so that you. Cause you know there was times when youd have conversations and you or heryoud think it or theyd say it: I dont want to be with someone who thinks that way. So you know its very, its almost exhausting. Its an exhausting experience. And I remember my Nan passed away in the Second year, and Imy Nan passed away in the second year and I had to go to Ireland to bury her. And she i.e. K rung me up and; Id gone out before, about a week before, with my friend, and she wasnt there Basically II dont know why;basically I was in the queue to this Venue that Canterbury had; it was like their own club. It was pretty disgusting actually. It was like their own perfect place to just rinse all the students of their money. And I was talking to my friend. And he mentioned that hed been on my computer because he was playing poker; online poker. And Id let him use my computer, and hed heard one of my songs; and he was impressed with it.

39

And it just made me very, very happy; and I got absolutely shit-faced. And I remember being told afterward; I dont remember it butbeing told afterwards, that I tried to;I was absolutely wasted; I tried to get with this girlI tried to get with this girl and the bouncers grabbed me from behind and Iit took three of them to get me out of the place; because I was literally wailing like a fucking animal. And they had to drag me in the back room; they band me for lifeyou know, subsequently I got that lifted. Just because when Im sober I can coherent argue and stuff like that. But I remember I was in Ireland; burying my Nan. And she i.e. K rung me up. And she was just giggling with her friends, saying how she something stupid!like shed touched this guy; this Irish guys bottom, in the Venue. And it just made me very hurt, because I was really going through a terrible time of it. And just the idea that this person wasnt really connect with me enough to know thatwhatever reason she thought it was a good thing to do to ring me up whilst I was in Ireland and tell me something that she knew would cause a reaction. And Im not saying that I was right or anything like thatits a very petulant thing to get annoyed about. But that sort of stuff, it builds up. And it got to a point, in; Id gone away with my Dad, in the summer .I think it was at the endafter the second year hand finished.Wed broken up a couple of times;shed rung me up once when Id gone home, and said that shed heard about the, me getting kick outand this was about a month afterwards; one of her friends had told her, so the story had been completely skewed by this friend. And shedshe told me that thought I had a problem; or didnt want to be with me: Something like that. And we broke up and made up; and all that shit. And I remember just being on holiday in Devon, with my Dad, and my brother and sister; and she rung me and I justI couldnt be bothered. Justto talk to her. There was just too much I had to remember. There was too much I had tothere was like atoo much I had to sort of pretend. And I just couldntbe botheredto be with her anymore. And so we sort ofwe broke upor justI didnt even break up with her; I just let itI just left her. And its just; Im veryguiltyits one of the worst things Ive ever done. ButI justshe wanted babies. And Ididnt know what I wanted.

40

Chapter Six
Memory is a trick thing. Im trying to grasp sort of timeframes and stuff; looking through old emails; and trying to gauge sort of the order that things happened. But its just all very muddled. What I can remember is that, following New Year, I went back to Devon. And Icarried on as before. And I basicallyI dont think II probablyI, II either took some weed back with me; or I didnt and I was straight. But either way it was much as before. Where I was working at Bentham Mills; four hours in the morning; scoot back; and sort of stuff like that. And I do remember thatI remember that that year several things happened: 1) I visited London two more times for certain. And another was that by the summer I was no longer in Devon. Now the first I went back to London, in the year, Id hadbasically this the plan was tobasically I had two weeks of holiday. And my Dad had booked us a holiday to Portugal, because hed made this thing ever since him and my Mum divorced wed gone away every year. Hed made it sort of like a thing to do.He said, you knowhe made, you knowit was hishe decided that regardless of anything, every year hed take us away, which is very commendable. And so we went to, the idea was to go, we often went to Portugal so; he always bought these fantastically over the top sort of Villas, that wed stay in. And wedtheyd often have a pool. And wed just basically spend a week just hanging around, swimming: I read a lot. And drinking and going and eating food and stuff like that. And it was always very relaxing. Ive alwaysas a result, always lovedit was the Algarve we used to go to, I think. And I loved that. And this was set to be the last of the, cause he was now retired,was set to be the last of the holidays, that we would do you know. He would take us away and it was like a biga big final sort of goodbye and.My brother had got to the stage where he was actually drinking; so therefore in everyones opinion you know, was valid. And so the plan was to go to Portugal. And he booked the Portugal trip. And Id made plans to spend a week with Roman. And then goand then meet up with my brother and sister: Mare and Dig. And then wed meet my Dad at Gatwick. I believe it would be Gatwickyou know
41

theor that sort of plan. And so we wentand so I went up to London; travelled up to London; and what I remember of it was that:scratch that I went up to London previous to that. And I believe that that was probably about a month after New Years; maybe a bit longer. And I went up to London. I think what happened was that Id booked time off, just after New Years; maybe February of something like that; and I wasnt going to go up for New Years. But I decided against it. And instead went up for the New Years; and decided to go twice. So basically, Id just got back from the New Years and Id probably had a bit of time to do whateverI was probably doing musicand then I went back again; up to see Roman. And And then that was the time Basically what I remember of it, we met,I met him and Kym in a barand the idea was to go to; I think Sam ;Sam was there as well. And the idea was to go and meet Malcolm, and Malcolms Germone of the GermansMalcolm has a group of German friends who at Uni we sort of, we knew; they were quite renowned; as The Germans. Because you know collectively they were German. And I think, Frinkit was Frink Frinkie, awhat I describe as a sort of quite pretty. Quite big, sort of you know, I think hes a quite attractive guy. And hes very, very nice, you know. Sort ofhes got quite soft features, I think. But anyway We metme and; we met Kym and Roman in a bar. And Kym at the time was working atI believe at Hus, or something of the sort. And I remember shed beenshed dated Pete for a time; when shed got down to London. And then he had said that he just wanted to be friends, you know, it wasit would have spoiled their friendship if theyd gone out if they continuedif theyd become Boyfriend and Girlfriend: which to me is literally the epitome of a rejection. You know like a sort of aalmostits liketiedsort ofsmileits rejection with a smile on it; or like a bow. Wrapped inits rejection wrapped in a bow. And. You know. And so she wasI think she was single, and we met in the bar. Me Roman, Sam and herand I remember just talking and chatting, and stuff like that. And I I started talking about Vanilla Ice. And I think I did the opening wrap of Vanilla Ice. And she sort of looked at me quiteimpressed; and was like: Ooh. Thats actually quite good. Which I always thought was funny: whenever I do raps and people sort of compliment me.

42

So we went to thisit was quite nice weather, and so we were sitting .We went and met Malcolm and Frinkie who had been drinking for the afternoon. Cause I think Frinkie was working; was at University or doing a masters of something. And we went to awe went to the place, and we just you know standardlydrunk: And done all stuff that people often do. And nothing really happened. And Ithe more I drunk just the more I realised that just ; that I was so attracted to Kym. Just like insanely. And it was more;IdId never been very confident; but the thing is once you start learning and you start doing stuff like that, you become very; basically, when you startthe more you expandthe more you forget about your own sort of interests and stuff like that. The more you think about sort of issues of importance. Like you know: class issues, social issues; all that sort of stuff; the more you realise that you know that, theres no, not really any reason to be sort of embarrassed orespecially; And also just stuff like learning about how the body works, and learning about sort of history of evolution and stuff like that. You realise that you know, most people are just essentially deviations of the same sort of thing soyoure notits not really; its quite freeing. Theres no need really to be sort of embarrassed about anything. It sort of gives you a bit of a confidence. And I: at least thats what I felt. And so I was looking at Kym, and I thoughtand.And I was just smiling at how pretty she was. And she sort of, she; and basically whatd happened waswe were all drinking. And she was the girl. And she was sort of being flattered by the attention that she was getting from these boys and stuff like that. And then Frinkie and Malcolm and stuff sort of started talking about mnage a trois' and sort of stuff like that. And it all felt very sort of petulant; and childish to me. And I was sort of embarrassed; but she seemedshe answered the questionsnice enough.And I think she sort of liked the sort of;everyone was a bit drunk;she liked that sort of, it was almost flattering. But you know to me it was a bit sort of juvenile. And it was almost likethere was something quite seedy about this sort of: men cornering a sort of defenceless little animal and sort ofit had that sort of feeling. I dont really know how to explain it, but. And so anyway I just started to realise that I really liked her, and I just wanted to sort of take her away from these horrible brutish idiots. And justand just be with her. But anyway So we carried on drinking. And I got fairly, I got a bit drunk and stuff. And I always get sort of cheeky when Im drunk. And she started sort of flirting and stuff like that. And anyway, she was meetingshe was going
43

out to meet some of her friends. And everyone else just sort of carried on, and it got to the stage where she was gonna leave; she didnt really know where to go. And so I jumped at the chance and I was like: Ill show you where to go. And we,we were both pretty drunk. And I remember, just;we were going to cross the street to go to the under;the train station; the Underground, stuff like that. AndI just took her hand And its not a big dealit was probably from just some sort of love of love of films. Or just that I thought it would be romantic. Or just the fact that I wanted to make herI wantedI didntI wanted to ensure that she cross the street safety. But But I took her hand, and it wasit just feltAhh! It was just joyous! And we cross the street. And it wasand I was leading her. And I was feeling just very confident. And we got to the train station. And I was sort ofI was saying goodbye. And I was sort ofwe were sort of dillying dilly-dallying. And she sort of kissed me. And. Andbear in mind that you knowId been in Devon for a long time. And before that Id been working nights. And I really hadnt hadnt spent any time with any people. And it was justwas like Euphoric. Andand I; anyway she.I said, you know: You should stay. We should And she was like: No Im Ive gotta go; meet my friend. And so she sort ofshe wandered off. And I went back just feeling sort of this utter state of sort of just, just joy and satisfaction and stuff like that. And I got back. And I didnt really tell anyone. And then sort we started drinkingand I got bored. I immediately got bored because there wasI wasnt interested in them: At that point. I justI was there justyou know like. I wanted to have gone with Kymto have just been with Kym: for the rest of the night. But anywayso we went tocarried on drinking. And the conversation got a biteven moresort of justugh!just dulland just, just, you knowjust uninteresting. AndAnyway I told Roman. And he was like: Oar Well done mate: Yeah.

44

And Sam, I think was just shocked. And sort oflike always you get the feeling that Sams just a bit annoyed; at how it went down. And then Lena texted Malcolm: mentioning that Id kissed Kym. And Malcolm was like: Why didnt you tell me? And I was like: Well, you know. I didnt want to say anything. And I remember Frinkie was likehe said something like: I meanthats ridiculous: look at you! And it justit sort of summed everything up really. Its justI didnt say anythingand then he laughed it off. He was like: Im only joking. But he didnthe wasnt joking. Its just the surprise often that people males display with theI dunno.Its likeonce again, go back to it. Its like the Ego of: What?! She picked you?! Im much more, sort of, Manley; or sort of Better. Which, you knowwhat Iwhat I really wanted to say was: Of course she picked me. I wasnt one trying to get her to talk dirty, to sort of, fulfil some sort of pathetic need to, you know Who know what it wasjustit irritated me. And its always irritated me. I meanitsI dont know why it irritates me butIve always been itsits, you knowIve never resented anyone really. You know getting you knowinvolved with people.You know I never resent people really. Ive not really any cause to resent people. You know, if someones done something you knowand Im not even talking about romantic success. Or whatever you want to call it. Its justit was justit was a very, very, typically deflating end to what at the time was just a very, very happy experience. And that sort of sums it up a bit really. And then So anyway that happened; and that was the first time The secondthe secondso, you know I cantlike I sayall my sort of memories of the last couple of years are related to certain things. And what I remember mostly of my trip to London was Kym. Becauseshe was the one I connect to the most. Likeyou knowI cared for her. Andyou know.And then the second instance, when Ilike I say when Iwe were gonna go on holiday. Id stayed with Roman for a week. Andthenthe plan was to go back home. So then I went back home. And; I think we were having a party; I
45

think.With my Uncle and his completely exquisite Fianc Charlotte; and perhaps Charlottes family: who we were all very close to. And my Nan my Mums Mum.We were all just, as usually, just having a Garden Party. Or just gettingjust having funjust gettinghaving The Crack as my Nan would say. And then we got a phone calland we were basically meant to go back down toyou know, the plan was to go to, to Gatwick. I think the next day or something like that. And my Dad had, I think travelled down to London. And he washe was feeling poorly or something like that. And then we got a phone call. Andyou know saying that he was too ill and he couldnt he couldnt he couldnt bare going on plane and you know it was; He felt really, really strange and stuff like that. And at first I think we thought it was a joke. Because hes oftenhe often just rings up and and, and says stuff like that you know. Hell say, you know: Chelsea games cancelled! Or you knowjust stuff that, I think is designed to sort ofgive you an emotional response, and then he can pull it back, and: its joyous isnt it?! Cause this thing that you thought was happening;and you know he does it quick enough that its notits actually quite fun: its like being scared; at the cinema. And so hebut he wasnt joking. And so my sister and my brother and I were sort ofwell my sister and my brother were very disappointed; I was absolutely euphoric: because I go to go back to Londonand try and spend more time with Kym. Becauseshes .It was very hard to nail her down because she was always doing stuff; she was always busy. And it gotit wasnt until I went there and I realisedwhen I moved there later. I realised that literally, there isnt time to think. There isnt time to sort of stop. And you know like, whilst I wasId seen her. Id seen her, perhaps five months before or something like thatyou know, a lot can change in that time. And I was justI was very, very wary. I wanted to get; I wanted to meet her and get to know her and stuff like that. But its very, very hard when I was so far away. So anywayI banded back there. And I remember playing a gig. And when I say gig I mean II played a couple of gigs butalso I rememberI went to: I decided to go busking And I went to Camden. And I busked in Camden for; I wanted to be, to do a full day; a whole day. And Id managed to do about, you know, I
46

went there. I went to Camden. I went there and had a pint. And then I managed toafter a Guinness; after a pint of Guinness I played. And I was justyou forget how different it is playing in your room and then you knowsingingcause you knowup until that point I was soft singing. I was sort of talking. And you have toyou have to compete with the crowd ofbusy sort ofyou know sort ofyou knowfashionableloud fashionable indie chaps. Andand after aboutI cant imagine it being more than 30 minutes; I just gave up. And anyway Id brought someKym wanted some music off me. And I brought my hard-drive. And I thought Id give her a text. And I said you know: Im in Victoria. Dyou wanna get a drink, and Ill give you this music? Andweand so she was like: Yeah: Thats fine And sheand she met me in Victoria. And we went up to the Victoria Spoons. And she mentioned thatshed had thisshedbasically shed had to borrow a jumper or something like that. Because sheI think shed spilt coffee or something like that down herself. And she was telling about how shed had an awful weekend. Because shed went back to her home town; or where she was living I think it was Leeds or something. Andto see her matesand shed seen her ex-boyfriend. Andyou knowin hindsight I think there wasa lot of what was to follow was a result of the meeting with him. Andanyway we had a drink. And then we got on the train back to Peckham. We got a curr-I. And we just spent the eveningjust doing stuffweird stuff. You know like looking on Facebookyou know likestuff that Im really not used to. Im used toI dont do normal things with people. I dont find myself in the situation where I just get the chance to just do what regular sort of people do. Im always on my own. Im always sort of busying myself withfucking high art or you knowyou know itsIm a massive contradiction. If you were to look at me; and then you were towere to actually know whatwhat I was about. I feelI often feel like Im just aIm a fucking 60 year old man in a 25 year olds body: even though Im 27 now. But you know at that time I was about 25. Andand so weand so we were just watching telly. And Id had a couple of drink; but nothing much. Andand it was all very, very
47

comfortable. And I sort ofI was feeling very justrelaxed. And Ishe let me lie on her feet and I waslying on her legs; sorry I should say. And I was lyingand sheand you knowI was lyingI was likeI actually asked. I was like: Dyou mind if I lie onIm gonna lie on here, ok? And she was like: Yeahyeah. Thats fine. Andand she started stroking my hair. And it was justit was just wonderful. And itit was a sort of peace to it that really sort ofI dont knowI feltlikein that moment I sort ofand you know in hindsight you could say that itsyou could say that itsunrealistic. But at the time I thought you know: This isthis is it. I could do this. This couldthis could be what I do. Im happy to just beyou know Sheshe often mentioned that shed got this dog. And I was oftenI was almostI was lying there almost like Iif you even have dogs: like dogs lie on their masters and stuff like that. And she as stroking my hair: and it was just lovely. And anyway As I was about to leaveit got late. And I had to go back to Romans; who by that time had moved to in to Brixton. Andand it was pretty late. So Iand so I gotand so I went leave; and as I was about to leave sheyou knowshe sort of jumped me again. Andand we kissed for a great deal of time. And II remember II caressed sort of her stomach. Which; because of this jumper that she was wearing; cause she spilt something on it; sort of was sort ofit was outit was on show. And I sort of caressed her stomach as she letting out sort of tendersort of groansor sighs should I sayand I sort of ventured up to her to her bra. And I didnt really want to sort of go underneath it because at the timeI didnt feel like it was a like rapturous sort of moment. In hindsight I probably should have justI think a lot of itit would ofeverything elseeverything would have been different if Id justI dont know, committed to sort of trying to lay her. As it were. But Iit was all too gentle. I was justI wasnt in the sort of place to do that. I was just sonasensitiveto justthe fact that we were kissing and andand it felt so good andand after a time I sort ofI said: You know, I should go. stuff like that
48

I dont know why I said it. I just assumedit was a sort of counter thing. And II said Id go. And thenand I remember as I was leaving she said you know: Ill probably see you in another six months. And I sort of laughed it off. And then I went back toI went back to Romans. Andand much like the time before; Id had a smoke with to myself. Andoutside; after sort ofgot the sort of jovial banter of idiot men sort of: Aiiirrr. Go on. Well in there. Get it. Yeah. Just that sort of stuffyou cant help but sort of get caught up in actually. And I was just very, very happy. And I had a smoke And I remember just feeling likejust thinking back on it. And I remember I was listening to Burial One of the Burial songs on the Street Halo EP. And remember just thinkinghowthinking back on it, it felt likeit had all happen to someone else. and it was just you know: just an amazing experience. And then I woke up in the morning; about 6. To a textand the text had red: Morning, Apologise for slightly drunken misdemeanours. I really like spending time with you. And feel that I dont want to spoil anything. I hope you understand. And you knowI just text back you know: You have nothing to apologise for. And thats when I should have known really.

49

Chapter Seven
I remember seeing a clip of Bertrand Russell. It was like, I think it was like a 50s sort of BBC interview. And ittalking about his life and stuff like that. And he recalled one of his very first memories. Which was I believe his father giving him a red card. And hehim saying: I remember the red made me happy or something of the sort. One of my first memories is climbing up a trellis: At one of myat my parents old house in Streatham. And I remember people where leaving I think theyd probably been there the whole dayand I was waving them off. Now obviously this isntthis has to me seemed for a very long time to be one of my very first memories. And I was quite old at the time. ButI been thinking about it and you know like theres something quite interesting about it being the memory because you get this feeling thator I dont know whether this is me experiencing it as the boy on the trellis or as you know like in hindsight probablyits probably looking back but you knowthe feeling that: Ok. Ive had a very good day. You people are lovely. But now youre going. And Im happy. When I got back to Devon IdI believe on the second trip up to London anderg!Like I say its all very muddled. But I remember goinggetting picked up at Totnes by Dad and Annabel. And we were driving back in the car. And Id made a plan that IdId made a decision that I didnt really want to live in Devon anymore, and I was sort ofits you know served its purpose. And I felt like Id some amazing amount of growth; but you know it was really not what I neededat that timeI needed to sort of get toI needed to move on. Becauseit was me, Dad, Annabel and Una; and we living in a very sort of closed environment; it wasnt really anyone else involved in itbecause the age of them, really wasyou know it probably wasnt the best environment for me. But anyway you know so I decided to do that and I thought about how how I was going to sort of broach the subject. And anywaywe were travelling back in the car. And I rememberI mean the whole time he was saying it I remember just smiling to myself. Because basically theyd we were in the car and my Dad had brought up the subject of you know:
50

Ohyou know weve been looking for a house. To buy Because they were renting this property, you know for a couple of years butthe idea was to buysomeplace that housedthat could house Una for theher remaining years. Andand so you know: You know we were going to look for a house: well we found one! And its really nice. The only problem is its quite small. And youre not going to be able to live with us anymore. And I thought And as alwaysI get his sort of amazing feelingthroughout my life that things happento me, at a time thatifit sort of my friend Sean describes it as: Synchronicity, I think. But you knowif Iif I had not been ready to leave that would have been quite a shock to me, I think. It was just sort of like: Yeah, weve found a new houseand justyou knowfuck off. But as it were, it was almostit almost relieved me of the burden of having to sort of disappoint them in in telling them that Im leaving. And so I was like: Ahyou knowthats fantastic!because you knowIm thinking of thinking of goingof leavingandand going to And you know my Dad was like you know: OhOkyoure gonna leavewhat you gonna do? Now I was split between two things. TheThe oneon the one hand I had this Ethics course that Idthat Id said I wanted to do. But Id started to feel that maybe that wasnt the best idea. Because the more Id watch sort of lectures andbecause the thing isregardless on anything I cant get over psychologythe psychology of people. I cant get over the reveals that people display as theyre talking. You knowso when someones talking about intellectual stuff; to me its not any different to someone talking about football. Or any sort of interest of theirsbecause its sort of its just a way to sort ofits allits a way into their sort ofpsychology. And Id started to think that you know intellectuals werent any different to sort of football fans. You know there essentially just esptheir just

51

talking their interests at youyou knowand I didnt know whether that was the best thingyou knowso Id decided So it was between this ethics course that Id already got accepted to; or agoing down to London: To live. Because basicallyBen hadBen and Sam And Romanhad decided that they were all gonna live together. Or Ben and Sam hadRoman had said that they could live with him in this new Brixton place. AndI dont know how. And I dont know whether he meant it; but he was like: Oh, you can come down and liveyou we canitll be fine pay me a bit of rent or whatever. And soIso I thought: well I could do that. And so I sort ofI sort of pinged some emails out to people I know; and the only people I knew, where the people I worked at Siti with. Becausebasically it was the only jobapart from the Bentham Mills; and T.C before thatthat I actually hadhad ever had. So I sort of sent some emails to some people at Siti. And they said theyd let me know what they could do and stuff like thatbeing that my Dad and Annabel: who my DadAnnabel had workedyou know had been my Dads bossup to a pointbefore shedshed retired because she couldnt take the stress of the work. And she sort of did some bits and bobs. And she learnt how to be an accountant and stuff like that. She was always very active. Regardless of workI dont thinklike most people she released she didnt have to work 9 to 5 to actuallyyoure not gonnastopping working a 9 to 5s not gonna make you sort of languish in sort ofjust sloth. But anywayShe So they helped me do my emailmy CV. And thenand so you know and so I thought: Oar, Ill do that. And thenso that was my plmy plan was to go toto London. Stay with Roman; get a job. Wed find a flat: me, Ben, and Sam, would find a flat wenceonce we were sort of set up. Once we had some money. So anyway that was the plan for a bit. And then nearer the time of leaving DevonI think I left in June. I meanI thinkit had been sort of a flat out yearI thinksort of circularcyclicala year. Andand then I remember I was atI was working at Bentham Mills. And the good thing about it waslike I sayit was in thisin Dartmouthand it was just very, very peaceful sort of placeevenit was nonot busy. And everyonethere was a different sort oftonally
52

people they were different: they very just happierI guessbecause there was not much to worry about. They had more space; it wasnt like London or where Id been from before: where people were just crammed together and they were all miserable and they all took it out on each other; these people were generally just happyyou knowand soand so working there for a yeaI think it was probably about Six months; Seven months; was verybit longer probablywas very comforting. And I got a chance to sort ofand also because Ever since I was a kidI dunnoI feltI remember my Dadhehe used to say stuff likewhen youd be talking he used to sayif you didnt get to the point or something like that. Or you juststrugglingif you are thinkingI think it wasyou know when you think, you have to you have disfluency and stuff like that. And I thinkand I remember being a kid and heevery so often hed goor when you werent getting to the point quick enough, he go: God youre boring arent you! And it wasit was sort of a joke. But the more I think about it, I tend to feel that my Dads humour really is justamountit boils down to sort of what hes thinking. And people are used to sort of hearing what people are thinking. And they take it as a joke. And he sort of laughs it off, or whatever. But I remember it affected me in such a great way. Because you end up having to constantly be entertaining in order to keep people interestedor keep this person who you idolise interested in you. And its probably what makes me such a nervous person. Or you know beneficially it might be what makes memy brain work quite fast or whatever. All though technically I sort of also think that has something to do with the fact that I got electrocuted by a lamp when I saw about twelve. But you know thats by the byBut anyway This job atthis job allowed me toreallyand also reading Bertrand Russell; especiallyand aloud: reading him aloud. It madeit gave you a chance to slow and sort ofand allowedbecause the thing is not onlyalso Iyou knowdiddid Iwasnt stutter but you know sort ofIII constantly inflect you knowit requires a lot ofrelike re-jigging of sentence structure and stuff like that butbut also I tend toand I think its probably to do with the fact that grew up My Mum grew up in Streatham. Just down the road from where Id been climbing trellises. She livedmy Nan owned a place called Manner Stores. And they all lived therebut across the street there was a ladya kind old lady called Margaret and her husband Fred. And my Mum and my
53

Uncles: my Uncle Joe and My Uncle Pete, used to go round there andI mean we always called her Nanny Margaret. And I think I spend quite a lot of time with her. She has this old sort of 50s house. It was very quiet and youand she was very soft spoken andand I feel that I must have picked up stuff from there because whenever I speak; or whenever I you knowI felt that I had to sort of affect the way I spoke to dowith people that I was around. So if youre hanging around with people who are a bit common: ya sort a ya nahua endup sawt a speakin abit different, ya na?! Andbut reallyI was quite soft spoken; and quite well spoken. And sort of had a bit of abit of a posh twang.I donthats equal parts to do with the fact that I was reading a lot. And Ive since learnt to read and stuff like that butI always thinkI always feel that now I speak the way that Ive actually always, should have. If that makes sense?! But Working at this place in Dartmouthpeople oftenWest Country sort ofspeak a bit. A bit more proper English: if thats even a coherent term. You know at least sort ofarticulateand stuff like that. Of at least probably to do with the opulence of the area butat least where I was andand so working there you know you got a chance to reallyI felt a lot morecause Ive always had a problem speaking aloud. And I think its to do with psycheI was embarrassed how I was presenting myself. Or the way I spoke. And that also has something to do with sort ofnot taking real effto really taking effort intointo what youre thinking aboutsaying just sort ofblabbering onbut that a different point that well be touching on later. So So I was working at this place. And I met this lovely girl called Amie. And she was 19. And she justshe was lovely actually. She wasshe has this sort ofshe has this nose that reminded me of Sarah Michelle Gellar. And I was always a massive fan ofyou know was sort of obsessed with Buffyas a kid. And it was probably to do with her nose. But anywayshe hadand she was just lovely. And she was just very kind and stuff like that. And I was talking to her andI remember oneI rememberbasically she worked a couple of days with me. And we sort ofbefriended her becauseI befriended her. And I think she like me. And stuff. I mean she added me of Facebook! And soIand when I wasI was talking to herand like always: I had these sort ofepiphonicor epiphanicorI dont know what the
54

inflection of it is; I dont even know if inflection is the term: Im pretty sure it isbutshe I rememberI think I wasI went in, and I just thoughtwe made Id made plans to move to London. Just to live with Roman; look for a job. Then I thought: I dont wanna do that: thats the stupidest idea Ive ever heard. Three peoplefour people in one bedroom is not a good idea. And so I I decided to do the Ethics course. And that was reallyand I told Amie, and she was like: Of course! I never thoughtthe idea of you going toto London to become a 9 to 5 suit isntyou knowthats not you! And she was right you know. And so Iand so I decided to do this Ethics coursesoI gotI movedI eventually moved you knowIn June I moved toback home, to Eastbourne. I had rung my Mum up the day I had decided; as always she was like: You know, Mike. You know whatI always say: theres always a place for you here. Just come home. So I came home. Andand plus what Id done is, Id manage to save up quite a lot of money. Because I thought Id need it for living in London. And now I didnt need it; which meant I could buy a good amount of weed. And you know just play music. And I had all this equipment that Id bought: I mean I got this SP-555: this sort ofits almost a, mixing, effects; sort of sampling device, that my Dad had bought for meand he bumpedhe put it on this sort of monthlyI owedyou knowI was paying off in monthsin monthlyit was quite a big amount of money: a couple of thousand I think. Or maybe a thousand.it was definitely a couple of thousand actually. And Iand so IermI got to pay that back to him. Fuck. Umyou knowlaterandand so I went home. And Id moved infrom the Annex Id moved in to because basically the way it standsthere is my brothers room: which Id stayed in when I first got home from Uni. Then I moved into the Annex. And then Ithenbasically my sister was now living in the Annex; my brother was in the room I was in before moving into the Annex; and then I was now in my sisters old room.

55

And Id never been in there before. And it was lovely. And it was quite big. And it was next to myit was next to mymy dad *tut*my Mum and her Husband Paulswe shared a wall. And my sister never liked it because she always used to hear them sort ofhaving sex. Even inup the house we used to live in, in; before Friday Street. And she hated it. And she always thought it was a weird thing; I never really had a problem with it that sort of stuff, really. Becausegoing throughmy Mummy Mum and Dads divorce you knowit sort ofit happenedand then I got to watch sort ofhow my Mum developed as a result ofof this change. And one of the things that you noticed is that sheshe hadshe all she had thisit must have been horrible for hershe had this need to be completely liberated. And once shed divorced my Dad shethisthis sort of started to come out. You knowand it wasit was a long process. And it was a sort of complex process. Butanywayso likeI see my Mum really more just as a person more than anythingandand people have sex. So I didnt reallyI didnt really care about it, you know. PlusI was often just stoned, and listing to headphones. So I dontyou dont really hear any of that, do you?! And soId Id managed to get a job. Id managed to get a transfer fromfrom one Bentham Mills backto this Bentham Mills that I used to work nights. Butbut nowthe only thing they had was Trolleys; and occasionally check-outs. So I waswhich was fineI mean likeyou could do what you wantI dont really mind doing anything. Its justI think once you get over theas long as you can fillpass the unbelievable drudger of the Eight hours; you can pretty much do anything. And I realised that what I have is the an amazing imaginationso I canand its almost suited to menial sort ofwork. So I got that. And I was doing that. And I was finding it actually quite enjoyable. Because reading all this Ethicsworkreading Tolstoy; and sort of moral philosophers and stuff. Andyou read a lot about the Will. Andyou knowthats all it is: the control of the Willtoand what I really got was an amazing ability to sort of test this. Because seasonallyyou had to walk around in the rain and the wind, and snow; you got dreadfully cold. But you know; it wasnt night work. And I was in a much better place. I wasnt really smoking. And I was a completely different person coming back from Devon. And it was a good test. It was a test of the Will. And I enjoyed it, to be honest. So Anyways

56

The course started in September. Butand Iand I was working at Bentham Mills. Another 20 hours a week. So I wasnt really getting that much money. But the course wasthe course was a certain amount of moneyeach month. Or each three monthsa termor something like that. And so I was just managing to scrape through without any moneyI meanI had toI wasit was prettypretty tight. I mean I didnt really have any money for myself; but I didnt really need any. And I had the scooter. And so I used to scoot to work. And then when I started the courseI scooted to the train stationyou knowyougoing to Brighton. And it was to begin with very good: you met some people. And the first module was introduction to philosophy really. And II knewI knew most of theat leastI had at leastit was undeniable that I had at least a degree level understanding of philosophy. Butand this wasmuch like the first year of Uni: this was literally just an introduction to philosophy. SoI didnt really need to do it. But anywayBut I thought: You know what; Ill do isIll useIll be like that student who knew all the stuff before Uni.; and he just red more specific sort ofspecific sort of texts that were appealing to him. And stuff like that And so I did that .The thing about moral philosophy is thatthe problem with moral philosophy is thatitit has the same sortit has the same problems that are related to the Philosophy ofFoucaultand the French sort of 60s intelligentsia: which isin my opinion and you knowthis is all very coloured by sort of Chomsky and stuff like that; but like I say: hes the one of the people who I thought: oh! its not like Im following him; its that Im agreeing with himand also their a book aboutcalled Fashionable Nonsense: by a couple of people that I got throughDawkins.whichand you know the problem is theretherethere talking absolute bullshityou knowor as Chomsky saysjust talking truisms just truisms sort of in lofty prose. You know thats justinun-intelligible to people who havent been aroundI meanitsas a phenomenalikeyou get this group of people. And they talk in their own little language: its quite interesting. And there tones of stuff about the sort of reasons for it. Butbutso I realised thatbeyondbasically this Ethics course was an excuse toI realised it wasntit was atake say Descarteshe wasntyou werent reading the textIve never read the text of
57

Descartes; but Im aware that in order to understand Descartes you have to read his actual words; in a decent translation. But they werent doing that; it wasit wasmore thanit was reallyit was post-modern interpretations of all this stuff. Andandand it was justI remember at one point. Someone waswe were talking about Aristotleand Iyou knowsaid to someyou know, in passing that it was funnyI couldnt really take his views on sort of women seriously: being that you knowhe was around at a time wherescienceand Im not saying that science isscience is a much more complex topic and I Im equallyI have equal problems with Science. Butnot equalbut you knowtherestheres definitely sort of fears about scientific sort of beliefsand thats what they are: beliefsthat I have a problem with. But basically you knowI was saying to this person in this lecture that you knowthe idea that Aristotle thought women werewhateveryou knowinferiororyou knowwhateverwith whatI would never want to sort of assume that he said that causelike I saymy memories very muddledI havent read a lot of the texts in a while. Butbut the idea that you read these philosophers withoutwith a reverence that is devoid ofof history. You knowIm very much for Bertrand Russells sort ofviewI thinkI saw Steven Fry sort of saying the same thing: which is cool. I like that. Because I always sort of feel that Steven Fry iswhilstwhilst he seems a bit lost, actuallyhe seemsyou knowhes just a very nice guy. And he seems very smart You know I like looking at philosophy from a historical point of view. I think its interesting. Its very interestingthe history ofthe evolution of thought. Thats what Im interested in But this course wasnt about that: It was aboutessentially it was exactly what I thought itd be about. What Id feared. And what; the reason I didnt really want to do it. It was aboutit wasand the worst thingit wasyou knowUniversity teachers and students and stuff like that; in their own little bubble. Talking about issues without any sort of regard forjustalmost the delusion of themyou knowthey werentthey werent logically The one thing I did learn; which I very mIm constantlyIm constantly going back to. And I really, really like. Was III had to do a speecha topic onI had to do a presentation on Arguments: and logical fallacies and deductive logic and inference and stuff. And I realised thatthese people were really just talking; they werent communicating in any sort of way.
58

And often people didnt understand me. And I got very, very irateat timesbecauseI remember once there was athere was awe were talking about Thought Experiments. And the idea of them is justyou know the idea that if youif you see someone in the wateryou knowwhat you gonna do?!that sort of stuffandas a way to showyou knowas a way to sort ofgetting to the roots of sort of what it is to be a moral beingand stuff like that I just thought it was just sonot the right way to approach the topics. I meanmorals are so unbelievable complex thatyou knowif you havent got specific; actualyoure not talking aboutwhatactual you knowwhat we should be actually doing; if youreits just useless. And I can remember getting veryvery irate about it. ButBut basically I And so I found myself in once again the possible where I wouldI wasyou knowI was immersed in these people. With these people who werewerent reallyII didnt really understand. Andand they werethey seemed to be talking quite a lot of nonsense. Andandand the worst thing was; it was Brighton. So it wasnt evenit wasnt even sort ofA lev*tut*Oxfordsort ofCambridge nonsense. WhichI dont even know ifI think maybe if Id done thaan Ethics courseyou knowIm pretty sureIdif Id been able to go to sort ofa prestigious school. And do something like thatI meanbut the bottom line is: what I really wanted to do was that I wanted to go to MIT and sort of justlearn with Chomsky. But you knowId looked into it andI didnt think I had the grades. Soyou knowI realised thatso anywayat the end of the first termI had to do mysome ofmy essay; and I think it was in November. And Id put it off for a while and Iand it was about logical argument; deductive logic and stuff like that. And I wanted it to be really good. And I liked the idea of doing it in a sort of dialogue. Like an almostI think Berkleyyou knowconversationThales or shit!I cant remember the name butyou knowsort of a dialogue between to peopleAndsort ofespousing your beliefs through these twolike a master and a pupil. And it was very, very sort ofheadyway to do it. II put it off for a while. Andwhen I got down to writing itI found myself in the position that I was in when Iever I wentwhenever I did stuff; like essays and stuff like thatwhere as I put it off and put it off. And I hadnt had enough time to actually do it. And then I realised that the reason I hadnt had enough time was because I didnt want to do it. Andand I rememberI think it was duethink it was due the day beforethe day after.
59

And I realised thatand I was very stressed. And then I realised that: Wait there! I dont want to do this! And I startedand I justand there was a weight lifted off of me. And it was like; I no longerI was no longer connected to that Uni; toI wasnt thinking aboutthe coursethe gradesthe masters. What I waswhat Id realised is that: in saying that I didnt want to do it, I had confronted the fact that I didnt want to do it: And I was in my room. And I was in reality. Andandand out of nowhere I just thought: Ill start a blog.

60

Chapter Eight
Ok sob(be)sot NowI cant exactly remember where the name came from. Theres justifications for it; and I canthe best I can do is sort of go about sort offinding you knowin my headwhere it came from. And so basicallyI rememberI remember alwaysthe name existed a long time before I decided to make the blog. Andand looking back atit was the 27ththe blog was made on the 28th of November 2011. Andthis is from emails that Ive found subsequently. And the day before that was the first time that I wrote anything. I mean Id wrotesee when I was in the Annex inbefore Id gone to Devon, IdCause as well aswhilst smoking and learning how to sort of, free myself creatively. To sort ofI was basically doing automatic writing: for lyrics. ImIm sure I knew the term fromI believe its Joyce, I guessor Yeats. Anyway I knowIdyou knowI sort of got interested in this idea of sort of allowing your mind to freeand then sort of. Plus; when you do that; its amazing how prolifprolific you areyou become. Becauseand then the problem becomes, getting your intelligence to a level that, the stuff thats coming out is actually of any use. ButIso II gotI got the idea of thisand so Id been doing writing apart fromas well as lyrics and music I had also started madeId done a couple of sort of, weirdbecause in the Annex; whilst Id read a few things, they were mainly to do with music; they werent really to do with anythingI hadnt really got heavy into reading until I went to Devon; and subsequently. And so they were sort ofthey were ok; but they werent anything sort ofI had nothing to compare them to. And Id started writing a couple of scripts, becausefilms are a lot easier toto imagine thanthan writing; cause inmy vocabulary; when I got back from Uni wasnt particularly good: that; once again; was developed largely in Devon. And so IdId wrote some stuff; but not really anythinganything I really wanted to show anyone. Or anything I was proud of. But Id had this name: sob(be)sot, for a while. Andmore than anything I was very aware that, the aesthetics ofthis is fromI learnt this from
61

Dylanand Woody Allen does it sort of. They do in a quite different way; but from the same sort of place: like an absurdabsurdist place The aesthetics of language is often what appealsinitially, what is appealing about it. At least for people whoI dunnoit dependsI think ititsdepends on the generation. Depends on the sort of grow up and stuff like that. But I certainly feltpost sort ofmy generationyou know like the Pulp Fiction sort ofhowthe aesthetics of Pulp Fiction, where what was good about it; it wasnt really anything to do with the depth of ityou knowits a such a post-modern sort of all of this sort of post-modern sort of stuff in my eyes tends to be justaesthetics. Theres not really much behind ityou knowits justit just looks good; it just sounds good; it does mean anything. Its justyou canits vague enough that you can develop meaning from it if you wish. But is just not reallyit doesnt have; at the core of it; any true meaning thatat least, that youd search for. Or youd wantyou knowyou knowif you got to the depth of whatif you really got to thewhat Tarantino wanted toto say in his films; especially the newer ones; youd realise thatyou knowits; much like the post-modernists; its truisms andand justits justyou knowits just trite truisms that are just displayed in a way that is digestible for the generation that you knowthat itsthat itsits appealing to But you know, one could argue; deeper than that; that thats all that really art is doing through historyyou knowbutyou knowthats a very big claim. And I dont want make that. Dont wannadont feel the need to sort ofgo that fardeep into it. But I was just aware that sob(be)sothad, with itit flowed very well. It wasthree syllable sort ofs o band thensort ofb in parentheses; and sot. Andand I liked the idea thatyou had sobyou know: to weep. Be: to Bewhich and andsotyou know: drunk. And also besotyou knowis also; originally you knowbesotted: be drunk; but alsoyou sort ofthat love aspect. And all of it sort of encapsulated something that I sort ofI wanted to get across. That was very much how I saw things you know, there wasI haveI have a stage ofyou know likethere s the ExistentialExistentialist view of it; that I very much sort ofbeing somewhatan Egotist; and by that I mean the philosophical Egotistas well asfor what I can understand of it. Andyou knowIm very emotional and sort ofthings makes me very, very sad. Andyou knowI come from a heavya family of
62

heavy drinkers. And I often fallin a romanticyou knowalmost unrealisticallynot unrealistically, but I just fall in love with people all the time. You knowitsI just loveor I become infatuated with people. And so I thought it was a very goodit was a very good nameand and so Iand so I had this sob(be)sotand also I wanted to do sob(be)sot presents: because I like the idea of sort ofyou knowNational Lampoon Presents:and sort ofits a very goodI was always very aware of the idea of using it as production. You know likeyou could use it to sort ofyou couldit was morelike a productionyyou could do anything: sob(be)sot presentssob(be)sot presentsyou know; depending on what it was. And it sort ofitit wouldsort ofencircle everything; in this littleuniverse. So anywaysothat was the name, I had. So I was alwaysI was gonna use that. And the first thing I wrote waswas a just awas Suicide Notes. And itSuicide Notes was basically just aId been readingas well as all of thiscause the music wasntI couldnt really do the music that, at that point because Id been reading so much philosophy thatthatYou cant go from high philosophy to pop music; because in the scheme of things you cant take what youre doing seriously. Especially when; that Id learnt to speak. And Id learnt to sort of, articulate and stuff like that. And it was very hard going back to this sort ofalmostit was almostcharlatancharlatan way ofofthe way that Dylan sort of does stuff. Which Iyou knowsubsequently found outI believe that, you know. He was very good athe could do this art sort of stuff; but he also thought that he was touch by, god or something stupid like that. And so, you knowand a lot of it was justobscurantism. Designed to sort ofyou knowwhatever you wanted to sort of project on it; thats what it was. And I didnt wantI couldnt do that. Musically, I didnt want to do that. I didnt want to go back to that; because thats Id been doing; and I didnt want to do that. So Iso Iso I left the music for a bit. And Ithe first thing I wrote was this Suicide Notes. Andwhilst I was at Bentham Mills and stuff like that, Id been listening to; as well as lectures and stuff like that; I listened to Bill Hicks. And I bought a Bill Hicks book. And I wassort of getting it to sort ofId got both Woody Allens Complete Prose; and Mere Anarchy had come out in Devon. And Id bought that back with me. And I was reading that. And I was very interested in sort of thethethe structure of comedy Because I think theres something very

63

Im going to now pulllike two layersIm going to now gonna pull a quote from David Foster Wallace, who was quoting Wittgenstein: who says that, you knowbigand this isthis is paraphrasingthat: Lifes biggestall lifes, you knowbiggest questions can be represented in forms of jokes. and I like that; as an idea. Because theres something veryI think, very important and relevant; especially in our culture; ofwith comedy. And how you sort ofyouI you know, how youit almost to me feels like its a reaction to; its the only way to react to a horrible situation: is just to laugh at it. And so I was getting really into comedy. And basically this Suicide Notes was a standard, set up: punch-line, justit was almost like ait was a suicide note of someone whowho wasnt that nice; always quite selfish as a person. And what I found; that was amazinglywhat I found, when I started to write. And, I meanas soon as started. I doneuntilup until a certain point, Id been doingI did things every dayId make itId do one thing a day; or two things orit gotit got more and more. But I liked the idea thatcause I had learnt all about moral philosophy. And allallethical sort of reasonings; and also logic; and deductive logic, and arguments and sort of stuff like that. I liked the ideait completelyjustsort ofcame all together, and and you foundand because Ive got quite a good imagination. And sort of Basically I liked the idea of peopleself-pitying people who, through expressing their self-pity, made you unsympathetic to them. I found that it wasits very muchits very sort of macabre; and just very good. I think itI was just veryI dont think manyI meanobviously whennow therescomedically I liked. When we were younger we watched obviously Partridge, and The Office. And before I went to Uni, I saw a couple of episodes of The Thick of It, and I liked it; but I didnt until I got back from Uni, I didnt realise how good it was. And basically, like anythingonce Id gotten back from Uni, and I literally spent days in my roomor I was constantly in my room; I found that you couldI had this unbelievable hunger for justto just immerse myself in just anything, really. Regardless ofwhatever I wanted to read. If I wanted to read philosophy; if I wanted to watch pornography; if I wantedI just want if I wanted to watch comedy: I just wanted to do whatever I wanted to do:

64

Because, Id just finished Uni. And peopleand Id finished. And I think my parents had thought that you know: Oh. You know. Hes gotta have a bit of time to establish himself. and plus Being in the situation of the fact that once weyou know 2008the you know: The Recession. Or theyou know: The Crash. Or whateverit sort ofit was an excuse. You have an excuse toespecially when you were coming out of it. EspeciallyImII meanIm not saying it wasnt a terrible time andall of thisand all the woes and stuff are funny, are anything likeof actual people who have been effected by thisyou know: shameful greed (Ill say it). But But for me, you knowId just come home. Id passed myId finished Uni. People were relatively sort of pleased. My Mum was just happy I was back: And I could do pretty much whatever I wanted. And so basically, I was smoking; andjust doingreading. And just doing anything; just being creative. And Iyou knowpeople knew that I wanted to do music; but as well as the music, there was this other stuff that was happening. That sort of it was almost sort oftaking over; from it. AndII got into Chris Morris. And he was just such ato me he wasthe stuff that he was doing a decade ago, was more relevant; and better; than any of the comedy that had come out any time since. And it was so ahead of it time; I can imagine, at the time, people just just didnt know how to take it. But I felt immediately connected with it. I loved the idea of hishis sort ofhed almosthe was playing a character; a sort of version of himself; that allowed him toand Im sure he must of; at least helped; Iannucci, and all of that; to establishyou know toto learnbecause theyre very much from this improvisation what theyre doing now: Coogan, an Iannucci, and sort of In The Thick of It; is that theyretheyre creating an environment of improvisation that makes everything so every authentic. Becausewere at the stage now; where everyone is so immersed in media; that its pretty much easypeople are pretty much talking the way that youre talking on telly. You know. You knowtheyre alltheyre all constantly needing to be entertaining andthey speak in phrases and stuff like that. ButheI found that, Morris. He has the ability to sort of almost caricature himself. And itthis freed him up. And it gave him an amazing amount of confidence to. To sort of, sway people; who he was interviewing, oryou knowthat sort of stuff. Im not talking too much
65

about the Monologues on Blue Jam; because I found out later that they were written by someone else. And he just hashe just happens to have a very good way to deliver them. And not saying that his sketches arent very, very funny; either. Im just its thisthe confrontation of people. You know, in the day to day; but more importantly in like Brass Eye, of celebrities. Youre creating a position to show offto make the person who youre interviewing, display their ignorance. And I was really, really interested in that; but no one picked up on it; noones doing it. I mean, some people are but theyre not really doing it in the way that. Like most things: someone comes along and he does something. And then people like it andbut they dont really realise why they like it. And they sort oftheyyou knowthey end up sort ofsort of horribly sort ofaskewingskewing what was good about it. Andandso basically now you get, just people making fun ofyou knowjust of anyone. You know. Or you get sort ofpeople likeohScreen Wipes chap Charlie Brookerwhos good butyou knowI can see hes heavily influenced byby Chris Morris. Or vice-versa; but I prefer Chris Morris: hes leaps and boundsyou knowhes headhesyou knowmuchhes to me, I think the best British comedian to have happened since Peter CookwhoI mean Why Bother? I remember seereadI meanlistening to that, in Devon. Why Bother is Pete Cook and Chris Morris interviewingits Chris Morris, as his caricatured self, interviewing Streeb-Greeblingor GreebStreebling, I cant remember. Which one Andandyou know, Pete Cook was very much a similarhed come from a place where he was using, whathe was using very much himself, toand he had this amazing ability totoimprovise. And improvising was what I liked! But that wasnt untilI didnt really get into that, til, til later. So Id had thisso anyway I did this Suicide Notes. And it hadand it ended with apretty muchwhat I believed to be aessentially it could have been Partridgesthe last liyou knowyoud find it on Partridgesa noteyou knowtacked onto Partridges body: Which was: With no one left to be survived by, I leave this cruel world the way I entered it: down the barrel of a Winchester hunting rifle
66

that I borrowed of a man, who lend it to me under the misapprehension that I was to use it to kill an owl that those he and I found irksome. That sort of stuffI mean I was justI wrote it and I just thought: You know: this is good; this isnt rubbish And the things is because Id been focusing so much on sort of high you knowpolphilosophy, and stuff like that; writing entertainment is a fucking joke! You knowandandId almost. I was naturally more inclined to it anyways, because Id spent my life just watching this stuff. And subsequently got quite a good educationyou knowand then I could go back to it. Butthe blogyou know And so as I say, I just cameI justyou knowI nailedevery day I got upI did, a piece every, every day. And then I started sort of expandingsowhereas the first one was: punch-linea jokesort of: setup, punch-line; the second one was, I believe Arnold Schwarzenegger sort ofwritten by someone: Eric Hogwheldon; who was someone who was under house arrest and; basically he was a person who loved Arnies films. And through Eric you gotyou got to basically insult Arnold. And it was justit was fantastic. It was like layered. And then I started getting into into that. And as well as that I started to getI started to get, intoI had this camera that mythat Sam Sam had had. And Iand I just really went. I really like went for it. And IdId learnt how toand because Id been doing music. And Id learnt how to record and stuff like that. You couldit was very easy to, adapt all that sort of stuff to thisthis blog. And justand the fun I was having was amazing. Andand the thing was that workso basically, onceI got rid of thisyou got rid of the idea of wanting to be a philosopher. Andora teacher. Cause I thoughtyou knowwhen I was doing thethe masters, I thought you know: I could become a teacher. And then when you realised that they teachers are talking nonsense, I scraped that idea. And then II managed to. I had all this free time. And I was doing 20 hours a week; and the rest of the time I could just you knowI scooted up totheres aCoopers Magic Shop, and just buy buybuy stuff to dress up in anddo monologues.

67

Because I realised that also, as well asbasically, throughthrough doing thisthis course, and having to speak, in discussions with intelligent people; or people who had the appearance of intelligence; gave you a lot of confidence. And you could articulate; and I could use that. But also Id got myId grown up sort of in awithsort of, working class people. So you hadyouI had like aa wealth ofofthings that I could draw from. Andand I had theso when I was walking around with thepushing trolleys. Just thinking of ideas; or working on voicesor just doing anything. Just anything I wanted to do. It was so it was so liberating. Andandand you know I got free software of the internet. And andjust starting making videos. Andso you had: Music, Videos, Blog entries, andandand the best thing wasjustyou knowa huge amount ofnot a huge amount but you knowweeds very good for creativecreativity. Andandso I just. So I started buyingandpluswiththe internet has the amazing ability toanything you wanna research, you can do. Likeyou just spendwhen youre not doing stuff. You know andbecause Id very much. I had been wanting to find something to do with my life. Becauselike I saysincesinceI wassawsince the when I was inin Devon and I was at a loss of what to do. And didntI run out of weed. And I didnt know what I wanted to do. And I was lost. And stuff like. Since then Ive always felt thatand the more you, read about sort of: the human body; the universe; sort of stuff like that; you think: Fucking hell thisthis isnt infinite: Ive got a certain amount of time; and I dont want to beI dont want to beyou know whatI dont want to be on my deathbed and think: fuck! What a waste of ayou know ahuman life, Ive been. Thats what I think is the impetus I have. You knowand I thinkyou knowI mean even subconsciously its always been sort of there. Ive always know that there is somethingthat I was putting off doing anything. And I should start doing something. And so I thought: This is a good thing to do. This isIm suited to this: this is very, very good. And so I was doing all this blog and stuff. And meanwhileyou know, it wasso by this time. After a month of doing ityou knowit was rolling up to New Years again. So Iand wed planned to go toCause Kym had, instigatedKym was very good at organising. And shed organised this blitz party. And so everyone had to dress up sort of World War II, sort of clobber and stuff like that; which was completely befitting my newly acquired love
68

of sort of theatrics; and so this was perfect. So I bought myself a costume. And we wentwent to this New Years. And I was in such high spirits. Becauseyou knowI was reallywhere-as before I was sort ofand when youre inyou knowId been, doing thisId beenId spent a year atI spent a year in Devon. And Id been away from people. Id been reading a lot of stuff. And Ilike anyoneI think; this is the problem with a great deal of people who educate themselves. You tend to overestimate your intelligence; or you just start looking down on people who havent read what youve read: which is sort of ridiculous when you actually think about it; because its just a mind. You knowyoure just filling your mind withwith data. Andyou knowthats why you know, I assume that John Stuart Mill you knowhad a nervous breakdownyou knowwhen he was a kid. Because his Dad had him, his head with all this, stuff. And of course, you cant process it. But anyway I was in much better spirits because I realised intelligent people where essentially idiots; and I liked the idea of making fun of them. And so I went down there. I was in great spirits. Wed all dressed up. Id dressed up like a sort of, a little cockney. And I had like a flat cap; that Id bought fromI ordered it from BrixtonHats, or something like that. And I had some boots. And I lookedI looked pretty good. I was pleased with what I looked like. And Kym had dressed up likeshed made her own dress. And she looked really elegant. And sheandit was Me, Kym, Sam, Ben, Roman, and some of Kyms friends. And some other peopleandandI believe at that point Kym had started seeing someone. Or at least Id heard about someone. Or something like thatI dont know. But I know there was someone around; but I didnt really care because the thing is I was so confident. And I was such aI was a joy to be around. I was in sososo exuberantly joyful; that I thought: Ahthats fineyou know likejust have fun: dont matter. Anyway We went there. We got there. We went to this blitz party. I pissed off all manner of peoplepretending to be sort ofgormless. Making fun of cause I wantedI liked the idea of seeing how people reacted to it. You knowlikeIm very forI dont like bullying; or ignorance; or meanness. And I sort of presented these people with thisusing my body as a sort ofbecause Iyou knowit was me; and it was easy to do it especially with booze in you; presenting people with the ability to make
69

fun of me. And them people you sort of strung along. And it was very, very good. AndandIso anyway At one pointcause it all gets very vague. The worst thing about drinkingits alits all very hazy; all these important sort of actions in my life that I cant really remember much, butI remember at one point we were sitting downRoman wasKym was looking after Roman: who had passed out; had drunk too much, or something like that. And it was New Years. And Kym was a bit annoyed. And I was like: mmm. Kiss me! And I think she was sort of taken aback by it a bit. And she was like: Well no. I cant. Im getting a cold sore. And I was like: I dont care. I wanna kiss you; kiss me. And we kissed. And it wasand it wasit wasand it was then I was you knowit was then I realisedyou knowI wantedherand I wanted to be with her.And I was gonna have to move to London.

70

Chapter Nine
FB STATUS UPDATEJANUARY 24th has just received word that a wallet - lost in equal parts to stupendous drunkenness and the karmic justice of putting on silly voices to befuddle ignorant plebeians at a prohibition party celebrating the new year - has been found amongst the detritus of Paddington by a kindly man named Nigel (a resident of Lancaster Gate), who happened upon a forgotten note folded within, that had scrawled on it the telephone number of the lads paterfamilias - and now makes its way back to the vindicated young man, who (less we forget) predicted such an outcome!...I'm the f**king tits!!!

So theId lost my wallet. Andbecause, you knowwe werewe were pretty drunk on New Years. And there was a whole gap; a great deal of it that Id completelyitsIve completely, just forgot. Andwhen we got back to, KymsMalcolm and Lenas, flatwhere Kym was stayingyou know, rentingI rememberjust being completely frustrated, when I realised that Id actually lost it. Andgoing on a massive rant; andI had a go at Sam; I sort ofI think I might have said something quite mean to Kym, or something like thatbut it was just; it wasnt anything more than just frustration; that I was taking out on people around me. I was morejust completely annoyed with myself, because, I felt that it probably was, some sort of, karmic justice. For what Id been doing in the nightyou knowRE: putting on the voices; you know, the gormless sort of voice. But anywayso it sort of coloured, a good night. It sort ofyou knowit was almostit set theitd top a dampener on the sort of, the good spirits that Id felt going down there. So when I went backyou knowit wasnt. Everyone laughed it off, and stuff like that; but II didntI felt that it wasnt a particularly good start to the year. And soId got back. And just continued what Id been doing. Which was, the writing; and blogswriting the blogandI mean Whilst Id been doing a lot of writing, before we went tobefore I went to the New Year; initially it was a great deal of it, was just writing; I started doing episode of things calledcalledI called it Moonshine. AndI like
71

the idea of Moonshine being the name of asort ofBlue Jam typeor a Jam typecause Blue Jam is the TVis theis the last night radio show that, they converted to a series, of Jam. Which waswhich was the TV show; andso I liked the idea of calling it Moonshine. I mean, my brothermyId wrote a song called Moonshine. In the Annex; before I went to Devon. I meanI always had, good namesI always, whenI thoughtat that stage I was like, you know: Song titles are good. It, caussort of gives you a hook for the song. Andand soI had Moonshine the name; but Id sort of forgot it. And I think, gotand I thinkmight have told my brother. Andbut anywayhed sort of; through some sort of process; sort of regurgitated the name back to me. And I was like: Of coursethats a perfect name. And, you knowso Im split between thinking maybe Immy sort ofmy Ego or whatever, is, is, sort ofI dont think it isI dont think it is, because I dont Im not really like that. I mean; if someones come up with an idea, I tend to think: Fuck. Thats a good idea. You knowthats justbut Im very well aware thatI think that heI gave it to him who, then he sort of gave it back to me withoutwell without realising that it was, it was my own idea. So anyway, I had this idea. So Moonshine would be what Id callthesethey were basically five minutewhat they were was; I was using the SP-555 to alter my voice. It had a sort of, transposed; a dial that basically altered the, tonalthesort of, transposed your voice; so you can go higher or lower pitched. And I used that to do monologues. And the first one I did was, ait was avideocalledoh, it had a really sort of ostentatious titleffucking hellit was like furry furry themed, fandom. Which was the end of it; but it wasI cant rememessentially it was they literal meaning of the video. Like Iits a good thing aboutI like the idea ofwhen I was reading Bertrand Russell. And when you read sort of, likeVoltaire, I remember reading Candide. And just beingjust amazed, Idcause what Id done; Id realised that my vocabulary; when I was in Devon I realised my vocabularyyou know what, I didnt know and words. Andand because, basically Id spent so little time actuallylearning at school. I realised that I was pretty much, Tabula Rasa or whatever, you
72

know. And so basicallythis is why Im very aware of where, how Ive learnt stuff; because I didnt really know much, up until that point. I mean, you knowIdId sort ofobstinately refused to learn at school. Andso I realised thatId bought all these books. And I was reading them, andand you can read them; but you don realI mean when you, actually; realisticallysort ofyou know, you say yourself: you know Im not, understanding this, when you; youre aware from everyone else; youre not sort of trying to, sort of, big yourself up, or sort of posture sort of intellect. And, I realised thata lot of that was due to the fact that I hadnt looked at a dictionary. You know, and I think that a lot of this is the similar with people. You know; people just dont, l-look up words; they dont know what words mean; they sort of, they just; they dontyou need ayou need a sort of reference point for these words otherwise they just become a phrase; they just becomesort ofwords in a phrase. And theand the, and the phrase sort of colours what the meaning of the word is. And so Idin Devon Idstarted to reallyI had a dictionary with me the whole time. And any time I saw a word that I didnt know I look it up. And Imade aand Id wrote it down. And then IdI made a documentword document. Because I, basicallyI found myself often in the position often were I knew what the word I wanted toI knew what the meaning of the word was, but I didnt know the specific name of the word. So if youtake for example justCurmudgeonto sayyou know that, itI wanted something for like a grou-grumpy, un-cooperative, surly old man or something. Butbut, if we didnt know the word, I couldnt find out, you youthere wasnt a doc, there wasnt a dictionary entry for, for that. You know it didnt, didnt do a visa-versa, or at least I didntdidnt possess on. And so what I did, I realised that on Word documents you can just do a find. You can basicallyif you write this all out, and then you put find; and you put grumpy, un-cooperative, or everything, itll come up and itll say: Curmudgeon. And youll be like: Oh. Thats what I want. And so I was reading a lotand I was reading; and I read Candide. And it was one of the best things Id ever read because; for one it was just unbelievably causticand sardonic; and sort of satirical. And also it was just the way thatit was probably to do with the translation. Or just the way that peoplethey possessed aintellectual people of the time, of

73

Enlightenment; possessed a very, good, a vocabulary very, its very built, its very built up. And basicallyin a sentence; you could just; lay these terms. And you could just unyou know, it tookit took so long to unpack them, but, you knowand soyoud have this sentence; or youd have a paragraph; and it really reads like ayou knowa chapter of most standard books. You know inbecause people are so impoverished now, vocabulary wisethatyou have to just sort ofthe process is different. You cant; they dont; they wont; theyre not willing to sort of look up words or orjust, you knowadmit to their ignorance. Having built up all this knowledge, I realised that its very good forfor getting, you knowfor titling things. In a way thats sort of, succinctly sums up what it is. And the first one I did was, a monologue about a aa man who had become addicted to dressing up like animals to s, fulfil sexualsexualto gratify himself sexually. And it was, it was, it was; very derivative of, of Brass Eyeof Blue Jam. But you know what, I was only starting; I was only learning that sort of stuff; so I didnt really mind. And, once doing itand its so funny anyway, soI knowso, so, I didnt really mind. I meanId watch a derivative Blue Jam sketch, over sort of: The Inbetweeners oranything, anything thats sort of portendsto becomedy. Cause its notits justitswhen I watch that sort of stuff; especially The Inbetweeners; I have a massive problem with it, becauseit really justcause a lot of people watch it, and, and they go: Ah-oharent theyErrJust reminds me of being at school. Andand I think its orri, just awful. Because really, all it does ; its just sort of displays just, how horrible people are. You knowand, and, how sort of petty, andand the writers of it; you can telland as you get; you leave Uni and people start basically becoming successful, who are your own age. And so theyre actuallyI feel that I was like a; its an encroachment of your own, memories of; or your ownyou know past. Its basically about people saying: Look! This is what school was likebe like this. Or you know And its justits just completely. In my view its completely sort of, wrong. So anyway, IdId hadId beenId made this video. And I got because I think it came fromwhen you had tobasically, there was the monologue. But then there was also; you had to do a visual; itbecause it wasnt just a radio show. And I wanted to do, to put it on YouTube.
74

And and I wanted to have like a wash, washed effect, likelike trippy; because IdI was smoking, and I enjoy the sort of; the blue colours of, of; and the way that this camera was washing out stuff. Because I remember; before I went to Devon; Id made aI wasits was almost like a 30 minutepilot; of Moonshine. And it wasId used the camera, and Id sort ofId done a couple of sketches. And I showed Sam. And Sam was sort ofhed lovedthere were bits where hed laughed; he LOLed. Butyou know, it wasit was essentiallyit was too long; this thing, that Id showed Sam. Andand a lot of it wasnt complete; andand, some of it wasnt very good. And so IdIdId decided to do like a five minute monologue. And but you needed things toyou needed things to, to be on the screen. You needed sort ofyou needed to beapt, you know. Andmy Mum hadmy Mum had; for HalloweenI think. My Mum hadgot this cowardly lion; I was for school actually. A cowardly liononsie And so I put that on. And I got by brother to film me or I think; whilst I talked: to him. Andgesticulating; and it sort of came across the way you did it; I wanted; it sort ofyouyou You film it. And then you re-filmthe footage: which meant that you could do zooms; and stuff like that. And it became a verysubsequently its become a very good method ofof filming. Especially when theres nocause you have to essentially be your own camera-man; when youre doing it on your own. And it sort of gives you that opportunity. Andand so I filmedI was filming these sort of things. And I didI did thisthis Furry Themed Fandom. One I did aI did aone called Release. I did one about alien abduction; calledoh it hadI looked up this Spanish; its a Portuguese term, I thinkSuadades or som, something like thatand it was li, this longing for a place that youve; you can no longer go to, or something; its like a Spanish term; I really liked it. And this one was more; a composite of different alien abduction stories. And that wasthat might be one of my favourites. And basically, what you were doingwhat, I found myself doing isId usedId been using all this music; this eclectic, ambient music stuff that Id found, like; there was Shlohmo; was a, was a, guy; who was just: I loved. And, and: The Caretakerwhoisis a, a guy from London. Whohes very interested in, sort ofhe does ambient music; but he does it to do with, people who, have Alzheimersand, andsort of, theand I was very interested in this sort offor one: he takes The Caretaker from, from The Shining; and his music has this sort of Shining feel to it; but also, it is
75

equal parts The Shining and equal partsWoody Allen, you know this sort of; throwback to Jazz Era, sort of musicor Golden Age music; whatever. And so I was using this. And it, seemed perfect. Andand I did one called Release: about aa radioa radioit was a radio show, by a guy called K.K Arnold. And he was interviewing someone from asome idiot from some, this band; and the band was called Rape Whistle. Cause I thought: What an offensive name for a band! And heand he was basicallyand this one was basically about the fact thathethis guy was in this band. And theyd released this album; but the album didnt have a title. And the monologueand because I was doing these improvised; It came of very authentic. And I realised I was very good at sort of; playing games with myself. Setting up these sort ofyou couldyou know, becausebecause I know what; morally I knew what Idwhat Id thought was wrong; I was able to sort ofin various sort of ingenious ways; and Im gonna say ingenious because I feel that it was a good way, you know Im notyou know; some people mayyou couldyou mustyou can debate whether theresthere successfully, putting across what I want them to do; but if we dont have the debate?!you, you knowIm gonna say their ingenious. Feel free to you know, sort ofargue the point with meyou know, at a later date, or whateverjust, you knowlook at it critically; and objectively. And And so this onebasically and becauseand it worked out really well becauseI was almost confusing myself; because there was two people; I was playing two characters in this one. One was KK Arnold; the other one was Isaac Mastodon, becauseWoody Allen; like Woody Allen: I just love funny names. Andthe way that they sort of flowI-zay-acKits got the sort of hardendto iti-zay-acK. And he was basically saying that the theydor the record company haddecided thatthethey were gonna auto-generate the album, title; depending onsobasicallybut you had to pay for it. Likeyou like basically, it was like the idea, that becausebasically Radiohead because In Rainbows had justhad come out with this whole new campaign, or whatever. Of distributing there music, that, people were sort of; said it was such a good marketingthing or whatever; which I thought was quite funny becausewhilst Ed seems veryEd seems very, sort of, astute, with that sort of stuff: about the way that you present art. You know more than
76

anything, it was just a way to notbecause theyd, theydEMI theydthey got out of there EMI contract; and it was just a way to sort of distribute; and it was very interesting. And so I thought that the first thing you would do; if you were a, a recorda companywas, youdyoudyoud jump on this sort of what you; what the record company; or what marketing people who think was a gimmickand youd, just sort ofand so this gimmick was, that youdyoud get ththe album would be free; but youd get to pay for the album title. Which, isI thinkone of the most stupid thingsandand this is whatI think, Its harbecause I had a real problem showpeople have a real problem sort of understanding thisor watching this sort of stuff; andbecause the only people Im showing are my friends. Or people who whove know me for a long time. And theres always this underlining; theres compespecially Roman, and Sam ; WSam is differentbut you knowRoman just generally; and Roman; Wtheresarg!Sam has reasons for beingcompetitive: because hes an artist. And he does music stuff, anBut Roman is just, generally justvery competitive, andjealous. Andand soor my friendsall my friends anyway. All my friends tend to think Im a smart-arsebecause Im intelligent. And it pisses them off. Andtheyre not that intelligent. Theyre nice people but theyre not naturallyImIve got a good brainI believe. Like a hyper-active brain. And its very good for things. And a good thing for it, is that itsit works fast, and I manage to, sort of; grasp onto quite a lot of data, and concepts and stuff like that, and its justI can imagine for them it being quite infuriating. But anywayIm showing them this sort of stuff, andand I think, becauselike I saythe idea isthe idea is, is: to create this thing that is, isyou knowacconsciously bad. You knowththe idea that someone regeneratesthe idea that someone, gives an album out for free; but you have to pay for the album title: isnt a good idea; in itself. You knowits a very, very bad idea. And I think that sometimes people get caught up withwith the idea thatits me, just, trying to be funny; and, andbut them thinking: But thats not a good idea; that would never happen. But thats the point.Cause Ive found that a lot of that shouldnt happen, happen: all the time, you know. Andand you justyou find you find yourself justjustpeople will say something to you; about, you

77

know; theylloror youor youll be at work, or something. And people, willwell thats Ive got this idea. Theyll And they say it to you; youre just incredulous. Becauseitsits the worst idea youve ever heard; and you cant, you, believe that anyone that anyone thought of it. And I like this idea of using it comedically. So I had this. And basically; these two people werethey were getting sort of stump by their own stupidity. Like, theKK Arnold was sort of trying asoyou knowhe was trying to clarify the point; andand Isaac Mastodon: he didnt reallyhe was just an idiotmusician. He didnt know what he was talking about. And I really like that one. Andplusas it comesas the sort ofas it unfolds; you get Boards of Canada: An Eagle in the/of the Mindcoming in. And itsand itsit becomesit becomes, sort of; quite dark and sits very good. I like that one. And then you had one called Deviant. And these were all done before I went to Uniwent towent to the New Year. Andand so, I didyou know, I didI did that. Andand Deviant was about a sex addict; and it was much the same; but you knowI got my brother to film me dressing up like a woman. And these were all sort of little steps intointoin progress; what I thought was progress. Andand then, when I got backso when I got back from, from New Years. And IdId decided that I wantedwanted tosort of wantedyou know I essentially wanted Abby: I just wanted her. Id also you knowId got this idea forbecause, the good thing was the trolleys. Doing the trolleys; Id started to realise that my physic was gettingas a child I was sort of fat: because I didnt do anything. And I got depressed when my parents got divorced. And then, I went to Uni; and I developed sort of an eating disorder: as you do. Andso Id lost tonesId lost tones of weight. Andthenand then when Iyou knowwhen I did all of this sort of stuffand I started smoking; and that sort of supresses your appetite. But then when I went to,when I came back from Devon; and I started doing thisyou know thisthis job at Bentham Mills. II realised thatinadvertently; pushing all these trollies around was very good for my physic. So I wanted to use that. Because Im very well aware thatI dont have any ego when it comes to looking goodI mean: its good; its a benefit to me. I like the idea of being attractive to people. But its just your body;
78

I dont really understand what the big deal isyou knowI dont understand what the, what the big deal of what you look like is. At least; anymore: I used tobeyou knowjust be horrified of the way I look; but thenI realised that; its just becauseyouritsI think people have a problem with the way they look, becausewhereas everyone else, is an objectyou knowyoure very much the subject of of your own experience. And when you have to look atyou have to sort of contemplate yourself as an object, it becomes very sort of hard to sort ofalign it withwith any sort ofI dont know. I think theres something about it, thats quiteI found that at the bottom of everything, you think: Oh god! you knowIve just treated all these people as objects; and fuck!thats what I look like. And Im an object. And Im not particularlyyou knownot good looking is ais a sort ofstupid term; because its completely subjective. But you know what I meanits that sort of confrontation, like: Oh shit! People are judging me; the way Ive been judging everyone else: .Which is sort of cosmically quite funny. So anyway; Id got this quite good physic. And I wanted to use it. And so I thought of this idea of this video: and I made a video called Feral. Andand the premise wasthatit wasa man, whoheit was a man who, found a creature at the bottom of his garden. And hed taken it in. Andand basically I did aa voice, as this, as thisas this man; who was talking about this creature, who he called Romrommel: based on Rommel was a war warSecond World War; I think he was a Nazi GeneralorI think it was thisDesert Rat, or somethingsinister like thator anythingeveryone respects him. Politically he wasrevered, I guess. Even though heprobably quite aBastardlike they all were, you know. But, you knowJudge not Andso I did this video and, and and I got tobasicallyI was trying to be asas animalistic as possible, basicallythere was aI was moving aroundandand I sort of had this sort of, glazed expression. Which IdId realised doing the gormless thing atin the New Years, thatI couldIt was all about facial expression, as ifit was almost Autistic devoidance of emotion. Which I surprisingly Im quite good at! And so
79

And so I made this video. Andbasitwhatthe problem was; itof all of them, it was the one thatI thinkit was ten minutes; most of them where five. And it was ten minutes; because there was a lot I wanted to do. And the monologue sort of went on, and I liked it. But the video didnt really sort of align. And it sort of lost its way. Because no one would help me; and I had to do three of four characterswell no: two characters. But, you know I had to do scenes; and movement and stuff. And basicallythe idea was thatRomrommel, was taken in by this man, whod lost his wife. And he took to him, and started treating him like a son; but this waswasnt: he was an animal. Thisthis guydthis thing had lived in the wild. Andandand basically, things started going missing. And theneventually a child got snatched out of a window. Andand it turned outwhat I wanted to imply, was that this, this man hadbecause hedhedhed not really liked people, and, and basicallyand hedthe only thing that hed had in his life was this sort of creatureandthat hed do anything for; he disposedand this creatured stolenhad basically started stealing chickens; and then stole this baby out of this window. He disposed of this babys body Which I thought was justboth just horribly macabre; andjust terrible sad. The idea that sort ofbecause it happens: theseyou read in the papers and all thatjust happens; these sort ofsad people sort of, meet, meet, people; get taken in by the. They do bad stuff; these people that theyve met. And because theyre attached to them; theyre lonely; they wind up being complicit, in this sort of horrible act. And I find it just unbearably sad. Andand alsosort ofif done in the right way; anythings funny. Because like I say, itsthe humour is its the defence mechanismbetween the sort of just unbelievablesadness of it all. And anyway In the process of this, IdI neededtoshow something ssort of sinister. And so what I gotI got my brother to film from myfrom my roomin the house. There was ain my room in the house, there was awindow. And heand basically I wasId bought these, mens diapers. Because I liked the idea of this man trying to domesticize this animal; and the first thing you do is put diapers on it so it dont shit everywhere andand plus, I really didI was quite physically fit, soit was good. AndImy hair was a bit sort ofIve got curlycurly hair that almost like a Dylan afrowhichif I leave it to go long enough. And it was pretty long at that time. Andand my beard was really quite
80

trimmedsoit just lookedI looked a bit grubby. Andand what I did isI rubbed myself in, all in dirt. Andthe idea was to sort oflike a monkey, sort of, skirt of to the bottom of the garden holding something. And what Id done is, Id IdId made up some bloodI found out how to make bloodbased oncorn syrup and stuff. And Id wrapand I sort ofI got a chicken carcase; I got rid of all the, of all the chicken off a chickenfresh chicken fromfrom Bentham Mills. And I put itall blood on it. I was holding itandlikecause this was the point when I was talking about how chickens started going missingI wanted to sort of reconcile the fact that, this animal was stealing these chickens; so that when theythe guy said that the baby the baby went missing; youd know it was him. This feral creature: Romrommel. Andand so I got, my brother to film it. Cause hes an arthes a film student. Digshes at Winchester. Makingdoing nothing, but you know. I filmI got him to film me, wgoing down to the bottom of the garden, andandand basically, I wouldand I just bit into this chicken carcase; and then buried it. So anyway; Yeahsoso, so I was doing all this sort of stuff. Andand thenand whilst, whilst this was happening, I was very, very well aware that I wantedwanted Kym. And I had to make conscious efforts. Because there wasI believe, a man on the scene, you know. But, ButIdId managed toshed kissed me at New Years; so, I thought you know: Theres a chanceits not completely closed. And, so I made plans to, sort ofmovemove to London. Andand, as I and, you knowand then when Iwed made all these plans. And because III was workingthethe less time. And becauseto be honestRoman, and Sam Like, RomanRoman, didnt reallyI didntI hadnt any confidence that hed, find a place; becauseI dont think hethe impetus was there tohe was gonnahe was in London; he was gonna move somewhere anyway. And I always felt thatyou knowif I didntmake the effortto, toto get himme, him and Sam in a place; cause Ben had already moved out. So it was just Sam and Sam could no longer stand living inSam could no longer stand living inin Romans bedroom, with him. Because, like I say: there was Roman, and Sam, and Ben; three people for a great deal of time; living in one bedroom. And they were paying Roman and bit of rent; which hed not been telling his housemates; how were, his brother, and this girl called Louise. And so anyway
81

Sam had moved hometo Hailsham and had started commutingto London, which was prettyI can imagine being pretty tiresome. And and it was up to meso basically, he had no time. So I was up to be basically to find this house. Find a flat for us to live in. And soI remember we were looking, and we were looking. And then I saw onein Streatham. And I thought: Well thats weird! Because I was born in Streatham. And I grew upsort of in Streatham, before I moved to Eastbourneto Hailsham; and then subsequently, to Eastbourne. And I thought: Ooh. Thats a bit weird! And it looked nice. And I rung up the guy. And itandand it was very cheap. It was 466.67 each. It was very cheap; and I thought: Fucking hell: thats cheap! Because I didntI would have been moving without really having a job. So the cheaper it was the better. And so II went downI went down, and I remember it was snowing. AndI went down forwe were gonnabasically I went down on the Fridayno, I went down on the Saturday. And weand we wentand then the idea won the Sunday, was to gotoyou knowto go to view this house. And and like I say. Im an intelligent person. Andand I think that, my subconscious or whatevermust have been building upmust have beenorI was just refusing to see somecomreal realities thatI was facing. The more I went down to London. Becausein hindsightif I reallyIf I reallytookthe time tolike I did with most thingsreally think aboutthink about whatwhat I was witnessing, and what Iwhat was happeningthere is absolutely no way I would have moved.

82

Chapter Ten
The first time I met OliveOliviawasI cant really remember thewhen it was; but it was I was somewhere in betweenI think it was probablyProbablylate 2011. Sort of justmaybe just before I started doing the blogbut I dont knowthat sounds about right. Andbasicallynormally what would happen is; Id go down and see Romanon the weekend; because he was working, andI was doing the ethics course, at the time. And I rememberhe oftenused to go to bars; student bars. Cause he worked atUCL. And so heI think it was Birkbeck, actuallystudent bar that used toit was almost despyou know; amazingly cheapbooze, andyou know; just studentsyoung students, who wereI thinkyou know You tend to over think things, butyoud think its something to do with the, you knowdesperate grasping ator this maybe me at my more bittersort ofsort of thoughtsyou knowdesperate trying you knowdesperate attempt to try and hang on to the Uni experience once wed left Uni. And I remembermeeting herI remember meeting her, and Elizabeth; on the same evening. Andwe were, outside on athere was a sort of open aired, outside bit. AndI remembermeeting her, andthe first, myyou know my first thoughts wereI hated her. I justyou know, but To classify it Id beenas I say before; Id been reading a lot ofespecially doing the ethics course, youwhen you spend your, whole daysreading about Ethics, you know: whatishow, you know: how best to live. And metaethics, you know: does to you knowgood mean, and stuff like that. You tend toit tends to sort ofyou become very critical of people. Of people whoand its not a very good thing, becausethis is what I disliked about the course. Because you havepeople in a room, sort of saying whats right? And judging these sort ofand what, what, what are these terms: whats good and bad mean? You know. And: whats the best way to live and life? And stuff like that. Andyou do itvery closed; in very sort of closed environment: And all that.
83

SoI was probably being overly harsh. ButI didnt like her. Andone of the main reasons I didnt like her is because sheshe was racist. She wasshe was from Sheffield I think. AndI donno; I think there something about the north. I apologise if, you knowthat isnt technically the North; Im sure it is butEnglish geography; whilstId learntin Devon; whilst Id learnt, sort of, gigoggeography to some degree; I, justI could never sort of get the North-South dividein, in, inin England. Especially regionally, and stuff like that. Because; essentiallythe thethe reason IdIyou know; even to this day, Imnot the best with geographyisis, to be honest especially in England; I just dontjust dont see it mattering that much, you know likeoftenKym andandBenand, and andand, and, and people, would talk about you in a sort of, North Vs. South, and stuff like that. And Id often you knowfacetiously, sort of say, you know like: Im a child of the Universe. Or somethingyou knowsomething like that. Because I justyou know, at the root of it, you know: I dont care where anyones from. Its interesting; I likeI like the difference ininjustyou knowits justthe idea thatdifferent places, you grow up. And you sort of, experiences different things. And depending on the sort of landscapes; and sort ofcountry; and city, and all thatbut I dont really care. Butbut the fact is, she was from the north. And from what I can tell: the north is a quite racist place. Andand the fact that Roman was friends with her. And she wasshe was saying stuff to him, thatI thought waswas really quitewas quitejustjust ignorant. Andand stuff like that. Buthe assured me that she was nice, as anythingand anyways, so weso that was fine You knowI donIm not ayou know, I, II subsequently learnt to like her. And alsososoyeah I metmet her on this evening. Andand One of the reasons I had started coming down a lot waswas to see Kym: I just wanted to try andand see if there something that we could get going. But she waswe never sort ofit was hard because sheshe oftenwasnt with RomanAt least when I was aroundandand so I met Olivethenand also I met Elizabeth. NowElizabeth waswasone ofRomansmateswho, from workNic; who used to work to work with him, andand Nic had Niceveryoneeveryone was interested in Nic; because Nic had gone to prison. Formansassault. Ororor GHB, or something
84

like that. And hed wrote a Guardian Article; and everyone sort of talking about sort of howespousing how theyou know, thethe benefits of of, of British correctional facilities or something; I didnt read it becauseI though the guy was an absolute cunt mmmbutand let me just; before anyone gets annoyed. When I use the word cunt; I dont use it in the sort of 70sIm not signifying 70s connotations; Im not saying a womanIm not using it in, the term, that most memost peoplefrom that era did: which was a woman who, waswas, which wasa woman who wasbasically just used; just seen as, as a sex objectyou know, justjust a hole; just a Cunt. Im using itto counter that. Im using itI never use it for woman; Ive only ever used it once. And that was to K. AndandIIand I was very angry. And Imand I was, justdrunk. And I was saying things, just to try and hurt people. Butbut all that happened, was I managed to just, just embarrass myself; and make myself mortified. So reallyyou knowno-one was suffering but me Im using the term, toto counter this sort oflet me classify: When I say Cunt, I mean awretched; prototypically male personwhoalmostha! itthis makes it easier To me, a cunt is anyis a person, who would ever say cuntto a woman. Which I knowgranted that would makeme one; But Ive neversaid anything otherwise. So so now that weve got that cleared up Nic was a cunt. Id met him a couple of times. He supported Chelsea. Hefrom what I can understandhadsomesevere issuesthatI hopeand assumeprevent him from ever having any meaningful relationships in his life and Elizabeth wasmarriedto him. Nowthey wereit was a green card marriage. BecauseElizabeth waseveryone called her Liz; and Idont. She wasaAmerican. And she needed a visa; and so they got married. And they lived together. And
85

they hadwhat was describedwhen I first met Liz; as an opening relationship. Now, you know; shed saidId met her because shelike I say, she was at the same place; with Roman, and Olive; and maybe Sam; I cant remember. I dont kno!Sam was there; because I remember, asking him if hed hooked up with Kym; at one point. And he justbecause I wasI wI was just interested to know, whatwhatwhat was happening. BecauseI remember once, I camecame downand andandId invited Kym out for a drink. And it was justwhen she came back fromshed gone away toshe travelledtoto Turkey. And this was why she needed the music; that Id given her. And shed come back. And I went to meet her. And she bought Sam along. Andand it was a bit odd. Because you know; Id met her before. And shed managed to almost resist my charm; I didnt know why Sam was there. Buton the way back from this Pub wedshedshe started telling me about this TV show, you know, that her and Sam had watched. And it was exactly the same show that wed watched whenon the night thatshed jumped me, in in the flat. Andand it was all a bit weird So I was just interested inyou know, said to Sam; at this place. This Birkbeck student bar, you know: DyouDid youDyouHave you ever hooked up with Abby? And he just sort of went: Mmphyou knowcourse not. Me? Hooking up? You know?! And so that was fine. Sobut her was there. But But Elizabeth. So itit was, essentiallyme, Sam; Roman with his Uniwith hishis friends, from work; andand Olive, had just started work. Soand Elizabeth has just come along. And so I was talking to Liz because I waId mentioned that Iwanted to bewanted tothis was before the blogand I wantedliked the idea of do, doing Charity work; working for a charity: whichin hindsight, waswas completely nave. And shed mentioned that, shed shedshed worked in the chain, you knowin charity. And she said thatto be wary of it. And, anyway; we started talking. And I was veryI was very, serious at that point; and sort ofknew what I wanted to do and stuff. And I assume, you knowfor someoneitit would have been quite
86

attractive, to, to people and anywayshe mentioned she had an open relationship. Andandandand we had a conversation. And we got to the stage whereyou knowIshe had this open relationship. And I was like: Well, you knowthats okthats fine. And thenit got ontoitbasically out ofnowbasicallyall I can remember is thatfromfrom recalling it; she said something likeand there was obviously precursor conversation to this, but, like: Oh so theres no chance that me and you could, could get together? AndLiz has this lovely little, sort of. She has these lovely eyes. And and she really is quite pretty. AndIm actually getting a slight erection just thinking about her. Which was always the sort of way that or relationship was, becausesheI always thought that she was quite special. Very, you knowvery singular. And I of course said: No. Because morally you knowId didnt like the idea ofI didnt think that open relationships really werewere about what they pyou know, portendenowhat they pretended to be. Ortheywhat they sort of said they were. I didnt think that open relationships really existed. I think it was just a sort of delusionthatyou know, one person in the couple was just sort of, placating the other. And so anywayshedseseso Id met Liz and Olive then And And so I went down toI went down on the Saturdaytoand it was alreadyand it was snowing. But I got down there. Andwith the idea that wed go outbecause basicallyRoman had mentioned something li, like Pete might beI might even have gone down on the Friday night. And sort ofgot stoned; and then watched some Arrested Development or some sort of show: and passed out. In Romans bedroom inin Brixtonyou knowwhich waswhich was pretty grim. Because, you knowitd suffered from thebarelyit looked like, it hadnt been cleaned since the three of them had all lived there.ever. And soand so I went down; andandwhat I though was gonna happen was we were gonna meet Pete. Andwhat instead happened was that we metKym andandand Malcolmand, and Hab; in a bar.
87

Andand Kym was a bit off. Like shed gotshed become increasingly off. She used toshe wasshe was much morelike, and the thing is shes very shy, and she doesnt really say whats on her mind. Andits very hard totalk to her; because she sort of closes off; and you always get the feeling thatshes got these wonderful eyes. Shes a lot smarter thanshtheres a lot more happening then what shes actually projecting; or inat least in speech. Andits very hard to get at, her. I think. So anywaywed met them on the Friday. Andat this pub, and we were playingand Sam, came down. And we were playing; this game. Sort ofcant remember this game, but anyway. Andshedshe was tired. And shed been at work. Andwewe talked a bit about the blog; and she mentioned that sheshe like it. And she, that you know thatI was essentially an arta visual artsor you know like aa media student; without the media degree. Which wasI likedyou knowbecause that was essentially what it was. And she was the only one that sort of go that. Roman is very much from this, idea; that if you dont, study in it, and you dont have a degree in it; you arent it. You knowhesvery, simple minded when it comes to sort of that sort of stuff: and patronisingly so. You know likehehe will puty you knowitits amazinghe has madehe makes, tomanages to makehis ignorance a benefit to him. Its, its, quite spectacular actuallyand I think its quitemust be sort oftheres a thing about self-deception. TriviersRobert Trivers, mentions something about it; its quite interesting. And, sowewe leave this place. And shes walking ahead; and shes really hungry and stuff like that. Andand anyway, I was justI justI mentioned to heryou know: Ah. Just go home. And come out tomorrow. And just be in a better mood. Andand itll be good. And, you knowshe was a bitI donno. She, she wandered off. And anywaythe next day, we went to this pub. It wasit was set for a sort ofI think that the rugby was on, or somethinginsufferable, like that. Andand it was me, Ben; Pete wasnt thereit was me, Benand Sam; and KymKym was coming. Andand weas we were going to this pubII gotit was just oddRomanROMAN IS A FUCKING LIAR!inat the bottom of
88

it. I dont know really howelse to describe it. Heshe doesnt tell the truth.but, heshe doesntits not in aits almost like heshell just not talk about things.which I think isisis, you knowequates to being a liar.you knowto not do somethingyou knowto not do something is still an action. I meanyou knowif someonesto go back: If someonesfallen in the river; and you choose not to do something; youve chose not to do something: its a choice. And he chose not to speak about things. And and so anyway Were going to thiswe went to this pub, andbasically out of nowhere, justKym comes in; with thisfuckingmaffgigantic man.you knowandand it wasit was literally like someone had sucker-punched me. Andandwhat, wasmoreannoyyou knowand, like I sayI cant express enough, likeIm notI dont mindthat, peopleit wasits not reallythe whole timeId mention that I like her. And Id constantly mentioned that Id liked her to a lot of people. Andto her, you know. Butand it wasntthe fact thatand you knowIm, ImIm not I dontI didnt seem tobeyou know, going to Devon. Andand reading, all this stuff. Andand learningall this, justimmense, just wealthof knowledge and stuff, like that. It put things into perspective, you know.as we speak, nowthere is there is people in the world, who are sufferingimmense injustices, andjustthere is pain, and suffering going on everywhere. It is undeniable, you knowand I sit here, in a very comfortable Annex bottom of the Annex. Looking at ayou knowchair, or Dermalogica, stufftheres people dying. And peopleyou know, losingkidsor you know, justthese this isitsits, almostwhats the word?itsthings like this are happening in the world.you know, certain thingsnot, maybe not thisjust something else, you knowssthings are happening alwaysbad things; good things, but you knowin the scheme of things, usin Englandhave it pretty fucking good. what annoyed mewhat really, toit didnt even annoy me; it just made me very veryvery, very sad. And upset; becausewhat had happened is; is Id not been told about this thing. Because; I assume that people thought that I, IdId be sad; or Idnot want to go, and stuff like that.

89

WhichI wouldnt have wanted to go. Just because I wouldnt have wanted to go; just because I would have found it uncomfortableso there was either, thethe idea that they didntI went there becauseI wasnt told. Because they didnt want me not to go; which is unbelievably selfish on their part: Or, that they didnt want to confront it, or they didnt give a shit: either way. It wasit was, pretty gruelling; and pretty, horrible to endure, andAnd Ben wastalking at the bar and said: We should go out on the pull.and stuff like that. And and just all this sort of stuff; was very. It made it apparentyou knowthat, that it was just shit. it was just a shit day.and then anyw we spend the whole day drinking, at thiswith Kym and herand herthisthis guywhose name was Ryan. And Ryan seemed really nice. AndIve never had anythingwrong withyou knownever had any problem with Ryanhe seemsa very, simpleand I dont mean that in a pejorative way. He just seems like a simple, good natured guy. You know; seems nice enough. butbutit was little stuff likelike When I was talking to Kym; I was veryI spentyou knowthere waswewe were at the tableand I saidand she mentioned the fact that, she said: YeahMe and Ryan have beentogethersincesince November. or something like that: Which to mewas literally just aa way of saying: Ive kissed you since. and it was almost a coaxing ofa coaxing ofof me to sort ofyou knowtry and win her over. Orsomething like that which I really didnt like because; it hurt my feelings a lot, to be honest: Just the whole thing. Andand I rememberRoman and Olivia where there. Andand they were getting quite chummy. Like Roman had always said that they were just friends; and stuff like that. But; he often says that before he sort of heyou know, hehe becomesahe goes into a couple. And I remember, at one pointRyan leftand I instantly felt really good. AndI just said something like:

90

Oh. You know what. I was having the worst time; and now Im having the best time. And Ive decided thatlife is essentially, justthe chemistry of the body. or something like that. And people didnt know what I was talking about; and I didnt really knowall that I knew was that I was, trying to grasp at something, thatin a way to treatto cheer myself up, becauseand then we carried on drinkingyou knowwe all went out. And thenIthen I gotthen we went to this club. Andsort of barand everyone was drinking massive cocktailsandand I was in a very, very bad mood, andandIand II sort of justI feltI hadnt felt like that in years. I neverI hadnt been outhadnt been sounsodisconnected from everythingI felt literally like I was the lasoujust completely in, myin my own head. There was nowasnt wayanyone was gonnagonna touch me. Its almostit mustI must have been a defence mechanism, I think. And I remember at one point, Kymwas like: OhMichaelMikeget in a picture with us. And I sort ofcurtly said you know: Kymtheres no way I wanna remember this night. and she sort ofshe often does this thing where she willI think its to do withnot blushingor something like thatlike, shell instantly just whip her had around. And not look at you.and anyway, so Everyone got quite drunk, and Benand BenBen had to leave I think. Cause he washed drunk two of these, massivethese massive things. And he washe was like any good friend: trying to make Ryan really welcomebecause Ryan was lovely. And nice enough; and he didnt know anything about what was going on. Asit turns outneither did I. But Heso Ben left. Basically we leftme, Sam; Olivia, and Roman: And they were getting very friendly. Andand, Ryan and Kym sort of carried on, and they were like: Come; Come on; lets go: Well carry on drinking. And stuff like that. AndI sort ofI didnt want toto show her how hurt I was: Sam knew how hurt I was, but. And I just said: No. No. were gonna go back and listen to these two have sex.

91

And everyone laughed. And we got back and basicallyRoman hadas soon as we got back; Roman and Olive went into Romans bedroom. Andand I remember; me and Sam were smoking. And at one point II walkedbecause basically Roman hadId found out Roman had been trying to have sex with Olivia. And by that I meanhe was literally failing in his attempts to have sex with herwhen they were trying to have sex.he couldnt achieve an erection. Or maintain on or whatever. Andand he wasit was almost like he was desperately trying to prove himselfto someI mean, regardless of whether he cared for herhe just justyou knowhe had failed to do something; he wanted to do it. And soIanywayI knocked on the door, because it was getting really late; and we reallyand it was snowing. It was fucking freezing. Andand I walked inandjust caught a glimpse of sort ofbrown skin and white skin and sort ofthere wasRomans buttocks sort of, sort of terribly, undue to, sorry alcoholoror just whateverunsort of verythere was no flowit was very sort ofrigid sort of movementand it was justah, ergand this was all instant; that was an instant thingand I just had to get out. And so me and SamSam went on the couch, becauselike I say: whenever there be comfort: Sam seeks it. Andand I slept on a chair in a coat. Andand woke upand it was freezingand I barelyI was one of them night: I barely slept. Because I was just too cold.I felt like I was sleeping outside I felt essentially homeless. and Although you know thats hyperbolic. Then the next morningit took all the effort tofor, to get Roman to even go to see this house, that wethat Id come down to see. Andwe went there and I met the LandlordIa lovely man called Richard: who was a bespoke shoe-salesman; sold his own shoes. And he was lovely. And I was having a chat with him. Andsort of, managed tosort of mentionId managed to avoid theId managed to sort of side-step the fact that I hadnt had a job; by sort of, posturing that it wouldnt be anyyou know he said: Have you got a job. And I was like: Oh No, no, no.
92

And hes like: Would youyou knowhow are youhow will youhow will you pay rent? And I was like: It shouldit shouldnt be a problem. I wanted to sort of imply that I was wealthy; when I am anything but. And I remember Roman said something thatthat sort of stuck with me at the time. And he saidas we were leaving, he said: I find it hard todistinguish you from your characters. which waswhich is a bit disconcerting. And, anyway So anywaythis Richardguyhe saidhe liked us; and he said hed let us know; cause he had some other people viewing the house. But I thought we wereit was a nice place. And it was exactly what we needed. And it was justI neededmore than anything it was justit wasit was a good thing, in adreadfully bad trip. And we gotwent back and Roman immediately went into his room. Andbefore emerging again and saying: Go. Please.could you leave the house. Ill ring you when I have finished. Or something, as grotesque as thatso me and Sam had to wander the snowy streets. Freezing: Completely miserable. I meanwe got a Panini which wasnt too bad. Andwe ended up back at Malcolm and Lenas. Andand then asand you knowwe sort ofMalcolm and Lena were there; I hadnt seen them in a while. And it was nice. And it was just; nice to get into the warm. And then Roman eventually arrived, andand as we were about to leave; we crossed Kym as she came in from what I assumewhat was for her: a perfectly you know agreeable evening.

93

94

Suicide Notes On the 17th of November of this year, whilst following up on a call received from a Mrs A. Butterworth of 21 Nork Rise, Surrey, police officers found the body of Mr Barney Kink (31). Beside Mr Kinks mangled form lay a piece of paper with notes of a various sort scrawled upon it in incomprehensible handwriting. What could be understood from this page of notes is transcribed below (what has been left out was impossible to discern due to lack of eloquence on Mr Kinks part) It does not appear that these apparent suicide notes were address to anyone. I couldnt tell you the exact date that I decided that I would kill myself, but the moment in which I decided is still quite clear in my mind. It was a weekday; as one would assume. I had just eaten a blueberry muffin brought from the women who sells sandwiches and various confectionaries in the break room on the second floor of my office buildingno the fourth floor It was two floors below the floor I work. I remember being particularly disappointed with it. Do not think ill of me. I did try (not with the muffin, with existence; the muffin was awful). When I was walking the dog the other day I let him off the lead in the park and he went and began playing with a family who were having a picnic and it took me 4 hours to get him back on the lead. I was stood motionless calling for him until it got dark. When he finally came back and we went home he spent the rest of the evening regurgitating cake and eating it. I did not get any cake. Please see that he is given a good home. I shant tell you his name, as that way the new owners can feel it a newer dog. He does not have any dietary requirement and is good at stuff, in general. I had a cat that now resides across the street at 26. We never saw eye to eye.
95

I remember being at my most joyful at school, where I used to be able to be told what to do. Now I feel much older than when I was at school and people mainly listen to music at me. Im ever so lonely. For the last seven Saturdays I have watched other peoples children play under 14s football and each time I picked a child at random and pretended he was the son of a friend. This required me to, in turn, and again at random, pick one of the childrens fathers to be my friend of whom they were the child of. Once it was a woman. I named her Edith after Edith Bowmen. The children I picked rarely scored and I often left halfway through. I have never fitted in anywhere, even as a teenager. I used to have fantasies of getting married to a beautiful women and living in a mansion but the only people that ever wanted to marry me were not even that good-looking- a bunch of fours. Life never plans out the way youd hoped. I was never given the opportunities that kids now days have and as a result wound up desperately lonely and unhappy and in a not inconsiderable amount of debt. I had always planned for the debt but have found no one to share it with. I wouldnt even say I have had an awful life. It started off great. But then I had to do stuff. The day I decided to kill myself was one of the happiest days I have ever had. The thought that everything I was doing I was doing for the last time made even the most mundane task divine: I smiled at the Asian who I bought me my photocopies; I held the door for an unattractive colleague; I let the guy across from me continue to call me by the wrong name Each act somehow transmogrified by the fact that I was doing these things for the very last time. It made people wonderfully bearable. This will be my first successful attempt to take my own life. I will not be missed, but who is these days? I guess some people still miss Diana. With no family left alive to be to be survived by, I leave this cruel world the way I entered it: down the barrel of a Winchester hunting rifle that I borrowed off of a man who lent it to me under the misapprehension that I was to use it to kill an owl that both he, and I, found irksome.

96

Precocious Letter to Santa Clause Dear Father Christmas/Santa/Saint Nick (delete were applicable), Mr Name is Nathan Green (9). My mummy and daddy own a house (I assume you know where). I own no property myself, but theyve been kind enough to let me live with them until I get myself sorted. How are you? [Rhetoric-NG] I have, of late, been wrestling with problems pertaining to the veracity of your existence. Though I would never be one to call my mummy an outright liar (my daddy is a different matter entirely [1]), over the last few weeks I have begun to become aware of minor discrepancies within their stories concerning certain logistical aspects with regards when you give all the presents to all the children. When asked how, given that our house has no open fireplaces, you deliver the presents to me and sister, Victoria (8), both answers that I was given were different, and if I am to be honest, equally crud. Mummy said that you are magic; fine - Its an answer, of sorts; and was sufficiently evasive, as it allowed for no follow up question that did not concern metaphysics, which she knows I find abhorrent. This portentous exchange was worsened when I cornered daddy while he was watching loose women and asked him a similar question. He said he gave you a spare key (though, I must say, it is possible he was giving me an answer to a question; it may not necessarily have been the question I was asking). If one would allow me a digression, Kris: Daddy may have been distracted by Carol, of whom I once heard him refer to as the loosest of all the women (Daddy has no male friends, and one feels he forgets who he is talking to, at times). When I asked him certain follow up questions i.e. wasnt it a tad irresponsible to trust a man with whom no offence intended he
97

must of met, at the most, a handful of times, with the keys to the home where you wife and children sleep. But, he just told me to do one! People at school say that of course theres a Santa, and if there wasnt how do we account for the presents on Christmas day. This seems to me juvenile, but I cannot express such concerns at school as Mrs Lace says that children who ask too many questions are doing so to making up for other shortcomings: I am almost certain of this statements implication (Mrs Lace is in possession of a demeanour no wholly unlike that of a Ripper victim!). As such, with no one left to turn to for answers, one has decided to go directly to the source. I know that this is not the kind of letter that one is accustomed to receiving at this, your busiest time of the year, and the last thing I want to do is interrupt your busy schedule; though you must have elves, or the like, vetting the letters you receive, as it would be both tedious, and impossible, to read all the letters that you receive from children all around privileged parts of the, mostly western, world, and if you were to have to engage in the mammoth task of reading yourself one would assume; ad nauseum- It not unlikely that, after centuries of reading the plethora of depressingly similar letters that you receive from children toiling under the pernicious misapprehension that they are anything but walking; talking; and occasionally gurning, dollar signs for the moguls invested in the lucrative business of manufacturing fashionable consumption, that you would be frightfully close to taking an authentically designed jump rope from your Elvin workshops and hanging yourself in your reindeer paddock (or stable, if paddocks have no suitable place to dangle), and I would not want, for the life of me, to be the one bring about this bleak outcome. If you have no answers for me, the only way left for me to approach this epistemic quandary is by the method espoused by Henry James concern the proof of god existence. The eminent philosopher who had similar problems with regards the existence of God (who, perhaps you may know), came to the conclusion that: We cannot reject any hypothesis if consequences useful to life flow from it and, as such, if the hypothesis of God works satisfactorily in the widest sense of the word, it is true. On this account any belief is true, if wed do well to believe it; which, though not an ideal answer, at least would allow for presents.
98

So, Santa, in answer to your question (thought I forget whether you even asked one?) I would like a remote control slave robot to do my chores and bring beverages to my study. Lots of warm affection, Nathaniel P.S. do remember the batteries; the last time you did not and I got so mad that I punted my sisters care bear over the garden fence and she would not stop crying. (Daddy did eventually get it back; just before Boxing Day. But by then it was too late, as it had a tear across its abdomen causing all the stuffing to fall out like candyfloss guts and smelt of the territorial markings of a feral animal, and as a result she almost never plays with it).

[1] I find no trouble in disbelieving daddy: a person caught furtively devouring your last remaining frube, only to deny it when confronted, is a person of whose truth-statements one should approach with nothing but utter incredulity.

99

F.O.A: Arnie - Two Treatments Dear Mr Schwarzenegger, It has been hard for those of us, not in diabetic comas, to help but notice that your planned return to the medium of film was somewhat hampered by the slanderous facts of your personal life. Having been an avid fan of the art-form in which you once some prominently dwelt I cannot help but feel utter consternation in this regard. As such, and given the security tag that I have on my ankle prevents me from other activities, I have been giving a great deal of thought to your situation, and I feel I may have some ideas as to ways to proceed. The problem, certainly to my mind, is one of image; and what is needed, in my view, for you to reclaim your place amongst the eminent thespians of your tradition is a project that completely reinvigorates your portfolio. Below are two treatments with regards possible scripts that, given your approval, can be dashed off in under a week and sold to your fine self for not unreasonable amounts of mullah (or, if capital is not as liquid as one would hope - not knowing how such scandals bear, with regards your wad an allinclusive excursion to the Planet Hollywood in Rio de Janeiro, if, and when, it eventually opens. Kind regard to you and your families, Eric Hogwheldon (38) Love in the Time of Mutants This film will be likened to the Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel in name only (along with a small amount of, unavoidable, plagiarism): Thematic variation is a must.

100

I first got the idea when watching your 1990 masterpiece Total Recall. I remember coming out of it almost completely satisfied. My only wish was that Verhoeven would have developed - no doubt dealt in more depth in the Dick novel (thought I cant say I have read it) - on themes related to the mutated anatomy of the Martian, vis--vis, the three-titted whore the coloured taxi driver gropes. Love will possess the good humour, romance, and social commentary of a Forster novel. Your character: a shy mute with a stutter named Reginald (he will have either a stutter or be a mute, depending on your preference, thought I would suggest mute as this would make for better dialogue). The first half of the film will be set on the estate where Reginald resides with his overbearing mother and nurturing younger sister (his sisters name will be rhea, after the Greek titanees known as mother of the gods; his mothers name is unimportant as she will be exploded before the second act and is largely irrelevant. I only add her into the story so the audience does not get confused as to where Reginald came from). After establishing such themes as the loneliness of a puritanical society and Reginalds struggle to connect with a beautiful socialite that hems his sisters dress in preparation for cotillion an asteroid hits the Sussex countryside and everyone is turned into mutants, who, for all intents and purposes are zombies, just much better. The only ones not affected are: Reginald; his sister Rhea; the socialite (named Foxy Glacier?); Reginalds and Rheas long lost brother Liam (who turns out to be a spy working for the US government); a couple of wise talking, and largely inconsequential, coloured guys; and a vicar with a bad attitude. The rest of the film centres on the various relationships that arise amongst the band of survivors as they wander the countryside in search of the ancient tomb of someoneorother, killing sexy mutants. The films climax will be set at the aforementioned cotillion, where many mutants are engaged in a bizarre (ceremonial?) orgy. The mutants try to persuade the remaining members of the group (the coloured guys will have, by this time, snuffed it) to join them, and Reginald wrestles (metaphorically) with this decision, as the rest of the group fall prey to the mutant orgies appeal. In the pivotal moment of the scene, a mutant Rhea tries to suicide Reginald to join them, and is largely successful, but at the last minute Reginald comes to his senses and goes Edwardian on the
101

entire cotillion. The film ends with Reginald (thats you) cutting mutants to shreds with the .303 calibre Bren gun (apologies for the anachronism) whilst lamenting the woes of cosmic loneliness. Possible Tag line: No Medicine Cures What semtex does not. Al You play Albert Einstein, the eminent theoretical physicist known for his development of the theory of relativity. Or did you? I got this idea when I saw the delightfully thought provoking political thriller Anonymous by that guy who made a shit load of money making disaster films. If you have yet to see it I wont spoil it for you, but, suffices to say, it will make you question all your preconceptions regarding the veracity of Shakespeares authorship of those films he made. The open scene will be set in The Federal Office of Intellectual Property (patent office) in which Einstein famously worked. (Note: this role my require of you a methodological approach, as, if handled right, is Oscar bait!). The film will have to plod along like all Oscars winners do, so the opening scenes should see you engaged in mundane tasks around the office: making tea for Susan - your myopic colleague; filling out patent forms for disgruntled customers basically it should all be very bleak. Sometimes, you could just sigh. This establishes that the real Einstein is anything but the happy man seen poking his tongue out in the picture on the internet that I saw the other day. (Note: the movie should declare, from the outset, that the story told is nothing but speculation, as this would help in alleviating certain hostilities the scientific community, and communities in general, would have toward the picture). (Arnold) Einsteins drudgery is interrupted when he meets a young man named Lewis Zimmerman, who has come into the patent office to patent his ideas of theoretical physics. Zimmerman is the antithesis of Einstein young; confident; strapping; dashing: Just loads of adjectives. Einstein is immediately threatened by this brash young physicist and concocts a plan to murder Zimmerman and steal, then successfully patent, his ideas.
102

The scene in which this grisly murder occurs will be juxtaposed by the famously beautiful canals of Bern, Germany. It should have tones of the Gothic, from the romantic period of literature, and as such I am thinking of giving Einstein a deformed, or just far too obsequious, servant named Hectorb (original it was to be hector, but if he is deformed the b will make the name more appropriate- I do not think this method that of onomatopoeia, but not wholly unlike it either). Once Einstein has executed Zimmerman with a nail gun (this anachronism might be more problematic then the previous one as it could hamper our chances at Oscar glory; you would assume they would frown upon them at the Academy) his body is sold off to grave diggers, who in turn sell him off to medical scientists (which you would assume Zimmerman would have wanted, had he actually existed) and Einstein and Hectorb go home to Mrs Einstein (played by whomever takes your fancy at the time of filming) and have a quiche. The rest of the film will examine Einsteins struggle with what he has done, as he is shot to stardom; indulging in all the luxuries that would of course come from this major breakthrough in scientific investigation. Along the way his wife finds out his terrible secret and, unable to cope with the shame, kills herself out of a window (I added this plot point in case the actress is flapping her mouth too much and you just want her gone). The climax of the film will be when Bertrand Russell, that philosopher, shows up at your mansion and announces that, through the powers of deductive logic, he has uncovered your secret. He tells you to sign the famous Russell-Einstein Manifesto of 1955 and you do so, whilst weeping. He then spits of your blazer and calls you a rotten sod. He leaves you to lament- not the woes of cosmic loneliness this time, but how come you had to get caught. This scene should be, for you, a cinch! Possible Tag line (obviously): the truthis relative.

103

The Obituary of Liza Scrunch by Lorenzo Mifkin On March 18th, the tarpaulin-cocooned corpse of Liza Scrunch was discovered decomposing behind a bin in one of the seedier parts of whichever city you happen to be living in. The apparent suicide seemed an appropriate end to the widely successful popstars troubled career in the media spotlight. Liza, known for such hits as Mrs Bubalishious; Know You Dont Know Me; Dont Get No Sleep When My Man Is One it and Cock t, Rock t, shot to fame as part of the Girl Group Sexy Legs alongside Lucy left leg Louonsa - now famed presented of TVs Vet-Shack - and Donna Mullet, who was just in Sexy Legs. The Groups first, and only hit Womens troubles became an overnight sensation when it broke in the mid 90s, and stayed at the top of the UK charts for 82 week Roger Screwjar; manger of the group, in his widely controversial tell all memoir, famously commented upon the singles staying power on the radio show News and Weather with Hymlick Hesslebottom, stating: he was just glad not all Womens troubles last this long! Possible referring to menstruation. The groups follow up FHaPPo: the 7 minute postmodernist scrap-pop medley was received with mix reviews. However, very few were bought by consumers, or fans whatever your preferred term- and the Group soon disbanded and Liza released the duet, with future husband: British underground producer Jay-Jay, Ho!, that would shoot both to stardom. Lip locked wasnt just a huge commercial success, it also signalled the beginning of the publics obsession with the couple. The reality TV show lip locked: living like Liza gave audiences a rare glimpse into the couples entire life, and after 6 series that saw: proposals; marriages; terminations; pregnancies; and finally, financially crippling dissolution, Liza had become a National treasure (Jay-Jay, Ho! could be taken or left). Naturally, it was not long before film producers began calling, and in 2000 Liza Scrunch starred in the box office flop G speed: the true story of the hallucinated second life of Eric Hooger that he had lived whilst a patient at St Gibbons hospital for the terminally tired, in which he was the no.2 high-charged galactic speedster in the galaxy. The film; the failure of which, Director Amg Rizzoli equated to Hoogers lack of imagination, is best remembered for the
104

nude scenes Miss Scrunch (nee Ho!) petitioned to have removed from the film (and the success of which, Rizzoli also thought stopped people going to see it. After her disappointing venture into film, Liza released a string of mediocre singles as well as an album of covers (which included her universally despised release Window-lean that featured American badboy rapper Juice Boxx as he waxed profanity whilst shirtless on a bed watching the X rated scenes cut from G speed, whilst Liza, for the entirety of music videos 12 minutes, engages in a tryst with an unknown youth, whilst the pair take turns inhaling on what appears to be a crack pipe. (In the famous Tonight: with Tommy Pant interview, Liza maintains that her role in the music video was method, leading to the, now infamous Meth-Acting headline that the tabloid Tit! ran, along with the picture of the singer - that undercover journalist Kenny Fop, having gained entrance into Lizas inner circle, surreptitiously acquired - in which Scrunch appears to be smoking up with 3 of the 5 members of the boy band Just so you know (Croxton, Marc, and P funk all later publicly apologised for the incident; stating stress as reason for their brief lapse in judgement, and accusing Liza of providing the pipe, and Kenny of provided the Meth) However, Steven Frugali of whom tit! had at that time on retainer, argued that just so you know were a legal entity, and as such, 3/5ths had no legal right to speak for the whole; destroying the stories credibility. Liza appeared to have hit rock bottom when, in her first television appearance in 2 year, she appeared on a December 18th Perse Donahue seasonal special with her then love interest: lean, 62 year old speed freak Johnny Pinkis, who spoke at great lengths about nothing in particular for 45 minutes whilst a strung out Liza spoke, in sotto, equal amounts of nonsensical verbiage; whilst making matters worse by inadvertently displaying her vulva throughout. Liza returned 1 year later, sober and coherent; admonishing the celebrity system that had shanghaied her into a life of unnecessary and damaging excess. But by that time the public had grown tired of looking at her face and were, for the most part, unimpressed by her insights. She is survived by no one.

105

Passenger Action ATTENTION. THE 9:07 TO LONDON VICTORIA IS DELAYED DUE TO A FATALITY AT HAYWARDS HEATH. PLEASE LISTEN FOR ALTERATIONS TO YOUR JOURNEY. Why did I even bother getting up this morning? Oh, thats right; that terrifying nightmare. Fuck off! you aint even got any tits. God, I hate it. I absolutely fucking hate it. A fucking briefcase. I own a fucking briefcase. (money) What was uni? Shes pretty. Have I always been this alone? I know I feel it now, but was I always alone and only now realised that it is a bad thing? I shouldnt masturbate a much a I do. This guys guaranteed a seat. Probably deserves it, to be fair. Is there no end to existence? I guess just the one. But noIve got stuff. That thing next week. But that wont be any good and I dont think Ive technically been invited. Plus, shed probably be there. Look at this guy: I bet he had sex last night; look at his smug chiselled features. Sit on my dick you handsome simpleton! I want a bounty. I havent stole enough. The next time I go out Im going to steal something. I need vacuum bags. How long? I seem to spend all my free time thinking about work and all my work time in a state of mind numbing monotony. Nipslip! She saw me. Stop looking disapprovingly at me, its intolerable.
106

My feet are a funny shape. I cant wear shoes properly. It is highly improbable that at this exact moment in time anyone is thinking of me. Whats the point. What the effing point! I never cry anymore. I do not count this as an achievement. I feel numb; probably the weather. I wish I was that guy. Ive never fired a gun. Ive never fired an employee. I could fire Kate. Shes guaranteed to beg. Might even An erection on a train platform - how pathetic. That women probably thinks its because of her little girl. Stop thinking those kinds of thoughts, brain. I wish Dad hadnt of found out. He never looked at me the same; I saw the malignant thought lurking behind his eyes every time I spoke to him; right til the end. Roam the city streets in a drunken haze tonight? My bedroom scares me. How silly. I could push someone. But theyd blame me for it. Theyd all look at me and pointlike when you were at school and you wet yourself and teacher told you to be a big boy but you couldnt be a big boy and you pissed yourself like a fucking animal and everyone laughed and pointed and teacher was so very disappointed and you had to wear shorts the rest of the day and Billy Bunt slapped your pink legs red raw with a ruler and kept squirting your crotch with his water bottle that he was allowed to have by order of the doctor and claimed you kept wetting yourself and no one believed him but laughed just as well because it reminded everyone at youd been stupid enough to wet yourself in the first place. Well, fuck you! Enjoy your day, you cruel beasts. I hope a number of you are fired for persistent tardiness.

107

The Hirsute Canaps of Eleanor Spududnik Eleanor loathed the word Ellie, and as such, refused to answer to when someone mistakenly called her by the name. Even when she was very young, and grown-ups would truncate the appellation either deeming Ellie a more appropriate name to refer to a little girl sporting a leotard and a, then, undiagnosed case of IBS, or, more realistically, for the sake of brevity; she would ignore their summons and continue to dance about on the small rug in front of the television waving her arms about to the sound of a little known children television show; the video of which, her parent shad found at a car boot-sale in Putney. The television show, which Eleanor had played every day since receive it, was anathema to her parents, along with every guest whose visits were frequent enough to be bothered. In an attempt for at least some variety in his home life, Mr Spududnik tried to obtain for his child a different episode of the little-know show, but after literally months of searching he found out, from a 37-year old enthusiast, that the show had only a handful of episodes; as the host a jolly man with a mop of, slightly disconcerting, orange hair had been accused (though later vindicated) of the statutory rape of a boy playing a deciduous tree (It turned out that the boy had lied about his age to get the gig, and that the act was for the most part consensual. Mr Spududnik tried to obtain the remaining shows from the enthusiast, but as soon as he offered money the recluse folded his arms, and began shaking his head whilst slowly wept: saying: not for friends, not for friends over and over. Eleanor still hated being called Ellie but was no longer enamoured of the show: of which, having now a child of her own and having gradually come to the realisation as to the adverse effects of television on a young minds conception of reality, she deemed pernicious. Furthermore, watching the show often left her in a state of insatiable arousal and far too coquettish for her usually stoic
108

demeanour a fact her husband often took advantage of; engaging in persistent innuendo often resulting in her deferring to violation, after which; the couple were in agreement; left them both loathing one another far more than is appropriate for the successful running of a household. Timothy Spududnik-Guff attempted such a manoeuvre as the couple prepared for one of their celebrated dinner parties: this manoeuvre, from the outset, was a guaranteed failure, as in a moment of temporary insanity brought on by lust, he referred to his wife by the signifier she so despised. Get off you fool; youre making me cock up the presentation! said Eleanor, curtly; As the intricate task she was performing that required a great deal of concentration on her partwas made all the more complicated by the nascent erection demanding attention up and around her gluteal cleft. Thats the point, babe. I mean to get off. Timothy whispered in his wifes ear in -what seems to him a timbre of seduction. That sound is not sexy, Timothy, especially when it rides on a wave of bean sprouts that I told you not to eat in the first place. Go see if your equally inept spawn has dressed the table and, more importantly, himself: You know Mrs Hyth dislikes the male form. Having failed in his attempt to blow his beans, Timothy shuffled off dejected; muttering words of indignation. He would have to see to the problem himself: before the guests arrive. And if you are going to do that dont think I dont know how your wretched mind works be quick about it. I dont want you all flustered when they arrive! Eleanor bellowed as she put the finishing touches to the aperitifs. The guest arrived in a manner perfectly befitting a SpududnikGuff dinner party i.e. incrementally. First to arrive were Mrs and Mr (always in that order) SmythBarry: Mr Smyth-Barry; an accountant with the firm Wallace & Wallace, was a short corpulent fellow who blamed all of life woes on his appearance; never taking into account the fact that he was a dullard. He spent his evenings investigating his genealogy in a vain attempt to prove the claim made by his uncle Edward that he was a

109

descendent of apes, but to his dismay could get no further than 1808. Mrs Smyth-Barry was so uninteresting that even her closest friends had trouble remembering her. Next, the Pidgins: Hilary and John. Hilary was a highly successful recording artist specialising in radio jingles. She disliked all contemporary artists except herself. John was a professional babysitter who had monopolised the local market and driven prices up exponentially; causing him to be ostracised by the community. As a result, the couple very rarely had caused for a babysitter themselves, and due to a boycott by the competition, had to resort to taking M. Pidgins mother out of her retirement home for the evening to look after their own wretched children, who she was appalled by and would often make cry. The spinsters Farrow arrived shortly after the Ulsters. Eleanor had a theory that the spinsters were not, in fact, spinsters, but lesbians. This was one of the only reasons that she ever invited them; for as puritanical as she often postured, she always had time for a bit of innocuous gossip. Timothy had constantly retorted, whenever the matter came up, that even if they werent spinsters they were still sisters, but Eleanor brushed aside his comments, as she often did; with a tirade of emasculation. The Final guest to arrive was Mrs Hyth, who as usual, had arrived late and was unaware of the offence that it caused. Punctuality is acquired by the process of rote, Timothy: Its just my timing has always been slightly off. She unsuccessfully explained as she was shuffled into the dining room to join her fellow guests by flustered Timothy, who had been constantly interrupted by the arrival of guests and had yet to finish the task he started in the upstairs wardrobe. Timothy slotted Mrs Hyth into her seat and reinserted himself at the head of the table as Eleanor glided into the room, with the grace of a cartoon character, easily managing a large serving tray of bisque. Oh, Eleanor I forgot to mention said Mr Pidgin, who hadnt forgotten. I ran into Doctor Cutlipp at the farmers market the other day- why were you at a farmers market, Jeffery? interrupted the inquisitive Mrs Hyth.
110

I thought there a chance I could see some swine being slaughtered. Answered Mr Pidgin. I dont think they do that kind of thing in that kind of public forum said Mr Smyth-Barry incredulously. Was there a slaughter, Mr Ulster? asked one of the Spinsters. Well if there was I must have missed it replied Mr Pidgin, who was beginning to forget what he had to tell Eleanor. A lull in the conversation - of the exact kind that Mr Pidgin had taken advantage of forced the table onto a new topic. So how are things, Mrs Hyth? asked one of the Spinsters. Perfectly agreeable, Spinsters retorted Mrs Hyth. I should say a far sight more agreeable than poor Mrs Goodge. Whats wrong with Betty? inquired Timothy, who had finished his soup and was bored. Dreadful business that the Spinsters affirmed. Well, Mr Goodge was cleaning the guttering out and plunk! summarised Mrs Hyth. He landed on their boy Steven, who was raking the garden unnecessarily; broke the boys leg and killed the Husband. Thats absolutely awful! exclaimed Mrs Pidgin. The poor little chap probably on suicide watch sympathised Mr Smyth-Barry.

111

Hes only 6 years-old Barry said Mr Pidgin: who wasnt particularly fond the podgy creature sitting opposite him. For the last time, my name is not Barry said Mr Smyth-Barry, trying not to rise to such obvious goading. It isnt. I thought it was: Mr Smyth, Barry. My name is not Barry fucking Smyth. You bloody-well know its not! hissed Mr Smyth-Barry, to the sardonic Pidgin. Now now, boys, you mustnt bicker; its bad for the colon said Eleanor, taking charge of the situation. ITS NOT A FUCKING COLON; ITS NOT A FUCKING COMMA; ITS A FUCKINGHYPHEN!!! Mr Smyth-Barry erupted. Stop it, Barry youre making everyone uncomfortable said Mrs Smyth-Barry. Everyone laughed, including Mr Smyth-Barry. However, in future recollections, the joke was not attributed to her. No dear assured Eleanor, colon cancer. Its confusing because its a homophone said Pidgin in an attempt to alleviate tensions. YOURE THE ONLY HOMOPHONE AROUND HERE, FELLA! spat Mr Smyth-Barry and left the house, never to be heard from again. Mrs Smyth-Barry was assimilated into the Pidgins family, and people often sat on her accidentally. The rest of the meal was relatively uneventful.

112

The Adventures of Errol: The Obstinate Naturalist Errol had taken, one day, to the idea of living amongst the animals. He had just finished Henry David Thoreaus Walden in his comfortably furnished bedroom when he was surprised by the notion. Over the course of his twenty years on earth he had tried co-existing with his fellow human beings, but after much meditation had decided that he was simply unimpressed with the intelligence that they possessed. So, with his few person effects and savings acquired inadvertently through a mugging, he set off for the wild forests of Trestlewell, traversing winding country lanes whilst whistling various jaunty television theme tunes. Upon entering the wild forests, he met a reticent faun. Why will you not talk to me oh, rustic god of the forest I am beyond man, as are you. We have much in common, and I do not know in what direction I must go: I seek your guidance. Errol said in gentle tones, to a faun. The faun will speak to no man. A snake interjected, making his presence known. Why, pray tell? requested Errol, who grew immediately suspicious of this second guy. The snake confessed that he did not know the faun well, and that his previous statement was one of pure hyperbole; introducing himself as Eric. Eric the snake was about to begin a journey to the depth of the wild forest to collect some money he was owed by a possum. In an attempt to dodge the payment, the possum had absconded, and Eric figured him holding up with a relative. Errol asked if he could travel with the snake. The snake agreed, and Errol set about the task of being swallowed for the long journey ahead. Halfway through the process, Errol decided against the idea, and the snake left muttering a trail of expletives.
113

Being semi-digested by the snake had taken it out of Errol, and as it had been a pretty long day already, he decided to postpone going into the depth of the wild forest, and instead ventured back into town to get some chips, before returning to the wild forests opening and reposing beneath the stars. The next-day Errol again set off for the depths of the wild forest. Along the way, he met a number of animals, who journeyed also. At the journeys midpoint when morale had become dangerously low a faction of the group kidnapped Errol: The factions leader a crowhad gotten it into his head that Errol came from money, and they all hid out in a cave whilst crow decided their next move. what we gonna do crow? asked the runt of a piglet litter. Let me think! squawked the crow. If he is from money they gonna be all over this cave by the morning, crow, whatever were gonna do we got to do it now! barked a duck. I know a rivulet nearby where we can lay-low Once Errol realised how disorganised a faction lacking opposable thumbs were he easily escaped, and was again in the solitude of the wild wood. It is with nature I relate. He soliloquised. With not the many, but with the whole he enunciated. There is only I and thee, mother of all! he wailed. He then fell into a bog and was drowned.

114

How did I arrive at this awful predicament? Wilfred Pickle had lived a fast and unimportant life; the success of which he had often attributed to a successful repression of scruples. However, as he approached his 50th year Wilfred had begun to notice thatalong with a gradual diminution of reproductive urges he had begun to ponder questions regarding conduct unto others, and mused as to the decisions he had made throughout his eventful life. When Wilfred was a young boy, he would sneak into his mother and fathers bedroom of an evening and secrete beneath their bed. When he eventually emerged from this hiding place his parents were in such a bother as to his whereabouts that they would lavish upon him hugs and adoration. Wilfred a child of undisciplined mental faculties give up this rouse when his hiding place was final discovered by his father when being unaware that puberty had hit Wilfred failed to take into account a recent growth spurt, and Mr Pickle spotted his sons size 9 plimsolls poking out from under their four poster bed As a teenager Wilfred was cripplingly shy. His first contact with a member of the opposite sex occurred when Molly Updike the daughter of one of his fathers second cousinscaressed his taint whilst the two babysat for the immediate familys children: who were too young to appreciate the sophisticated cuisine their parents obtained at various carveries. At the age of 19 Wilfred had honed his complete lack of sympathy with anyone besides himself, and was famed with such prestige as to be entered into the pantheon of modern economics: Making a breakthrough in rational choice modelling with his influential criticism of current theories. Wilfreds thesis: Rapacious need for trinkets: Homo sapiens, neo-burdens, and rational choice modelling in an increasingly simplifying world was not only an across-the-field academic achievement, but also highly influential amongst the up-and-coming political elites.

115

After this bombastic success, Wilfred decided to ride the wave of adoration he was receiving from the intelligentsia by procuring himself extremely well respected employment with an unknown conglomerate. Wilfred was spat out by the public relations industry at the age of 45 with little memory of 26 years interim and chronic melancholia. In an attempt to find answers Wilfred Pickle went to a psychiatrist: Dr Sconce: and when did you first start feeling this way? Wilfred Pickle: I guess I first had the thought when I was still a child: I remember a friend of mine, Clevin Gorge, had a brand-new Man of Action doll that I desperately coveted. I reasoned he could not possibly want it as much as I wanted it- as I was incapable of experiencing his feelings myself -and stole the figure. When Clevin reported the thief to the school authorities, I disposed of my spoils in the locker of one of my fellow classmates. Martin Upins was subsequently expelled for the charge he was innocent of, as Clevins father was an influential figure within the school; he, being the only member of staff that knew how to correctly bleed the radiators. And I escaped unpunished and having learnt a valuable lesson. Dr Sconce: which was? Wilfred Pickle: How to correctly bleed a radiator of course! Have you heard nothing, doctor? The doctor had not. After a series of fevered dreams that reveal to him the cause of his debilitating sadness, Wilfred Pickle reconnected with religion and confessed his sickened sins to Father Krkdouglous: who in his new release Beneath the Robe, offers us his insight. the man was an obvious wretch. Clearly unabsolvable, but I listened out of curiosity and schadenfreude. What the man could remember was terrible muddled, and he spoke slowly: frightened and childlike.
116

As the stranger told me his story, I was shocked not by their details though, they themselves did make one question ones chastity, on a later occasionbut the manner in which they were divulged he spoke as if he were speaking about someone other than himself

117

The Dream Journal of Humbert Bicker Replete after excessive consumption of an assortment of continental soft cheeses which I had ruefully quaffed whilst sprawled insensible watching the television regurgitate entertainment: the outcome of which, I was already privy to I encountered a soporificalso understood as a 10 oclock news story concerning some inconsequential third world tyrants excessive violation of human rights that pulled me unwillingly into the recesses of my subconscious. What followed was a series of stupefying apparitions that were interconnect but non-linear in nature, thatwhen awoken some hours later weeping and choking on the nasal build-up that had accumulated thence made me know guilt that, of the like, I had never experienced prior to or since. My first conscious understanding of the dream involved a man not dissimilar in appearance to that of American actor J. Anderson. As we discussed the appropriate levels of enjoyment that one should strive for in life, I was taken with how similar our outlooks were, and I felt an amazing affinity with the dwarf. The conversation took a turn for the worst when I made a comment that Anderson deemed politically incorrect and it was all extremely awkward. At that point his mouth fell of his face and began tutting in tones of disapproval at me from across the room, but before the mouth had chance to cease me the metronomic tisk it emanated had transported me into a new situation entirely. Globules of gravy now puddled a pool of the sauce from a wooden bus-shelter overhang: I was waiting for a bus to an unknown location with an old woman muttering cryptic phrasings to no one in particular. As I was the only other person in the bus stop I assumed that if the old woman was speaking to anyone it would have been to me. Terrible weather we are having. But on the upside everyone is looking very tasty, the old women said with a disconcerting grin, and for a while thereafter salivated pensively.
118

My reply was one of agreement, but I did not share the strange womans ways and thought it best to continue to the unknown destination by mammalian methods, and made my way on trusted gams. At first the insipid torrent irked me something fierce, but and soon as I was sufficiently drenched and had subsequently accepted and forgotten about the nuisance the weather brightened up and I entered a strangely familiar wooded campus as the evening began to darken. As I began walking through the wood groups of people began appearing, first in small collectives, then the deeper I ventured in larger groups of familiar faces. Everyone was swigging from bottles and laughing in merriment. It was a very peaceful experiences walking through their enjoyment. People asked me to stay and drink with them and recall memories past, but I was eager to reach my destination and declined. Then I spotted a gloriously enchanting female and I was distracted by conversation. Im so glad everyone is here together again. Its just like old times. Spoke the enchantress as if recollecting an old lullaby: Its bliss. As she spoke this last utterance everything began to get very dim and her voice was slowed to such a rate that the hiss of the morpheme was elongated to what seemed infinity, and the sounds focus pulled me yet again to a new location. The hiss hung in the wind now, in a breath-like sigh of the tidal pull. The beach was desolate and it was early morning. There was a single solitary figure on the distant shore, staring out toward the mechanical movements of the sea. I walked toward the figure and as I did so became increasingly anxious that he would divulge so abhorrent a secret that my heart would explode in my chest and I began to weep and sulk towards the figure, who still stared out to sea. When I arrive next to the figure he did not speak but only pointed out to sea in the direction he had been gazing: What I saw is hard to explain. But upon waking I hastened to find a pad and pencil and, in an attempt to remember the creatures features, drew the below sketch:

119

The creature hovered above the sea, bellowing: Humbert Bicker: who stands accused by mankind of being a dawdler; an unctuous dawdler; an unctuous pusillanimous dawdler; an unctuous pusillanimous slovenly dawdler; an unctuous pusillanimous slovenly jejune dawdling cad This tirade of accusation continued, ad infinitum; words being entered in regardless of sequence; and I, being able to take no more, fainted to prostrate at the weight of the creatures skilled recollection of synonyms. When I awoke from the dream it was early in the morning and it took me a moment to recall who I was; and although cheese has never repeated on me in the way it had that evening, I will forever have to live with the gnawing feeling that there was a whole section of the dream I could not recollect; and from the details of which, I could have fashioned a script for an independently financed surrealist film of minimum merit.

120

A Libidinous Pubescent The cars accumulated weight had been such thatin conjunction with a series of grievous error in directionMaeve and Tony had neared the end of their journey about the same time as Tony had been scheduled to give a speech. The toast would have been a jovial salute to all the latecomers of the gathering which had been in full swing since the previous nightsuggesting; through the delicate charm he was noted for; that they should have gotten their shit together in a more roundabout way. But given that he had not arrived, as planned, on the previous evening, and as such had not yet attained the sufficient amount of exuberance needed for such orationwhich he had hoped to accumulate through the powers of festivity and copious amounts of inappropriately located copulationhe was in no mood to give a speech, and doubted as to whether anyone would have cared to listen. I told you. Maeve needlessly repeated, as the car containing the two rounded a street corner and clumsily mounted a curb. Youve told me, now shut up! barked Tony, as the two fell out of their respective doors; a thin sheet of snow that covered the ground softening their falls. Cmon, were nearly there! Yelled Maevewho giddily slid towards the door of a beautifully decorated home; that pulsated with sound and was awash with deep coloured movement in its many windows. Waitits too icy! I have heels on! pleaded Tony, who was balanced precariously in the car proximity, holding on to a nearby lamppost that had been decorated with a wreath. Having had no response to this request, Tony began to consider taking a few tentative steps. However, as if being punished such a chimera, the wreath that he now clung to give way and, owing to a momentary balance panic,
121

along with the age of the heel, his feet went from under him, and his head was whipped against his own cars boot, causing the alarm to go off. Tony lay stunned on the pavement as a passing showing of hailstones pelted his face. Maevelong enough in the warmth of the house to begin feeling guilt returned to fetch Tony, and assisted by dragging him over on a large snow shovel as he sulked and moaned as to the effects the temperatures would have on any potential progeny the couple might or might not be thinking about having. The house was an ostentatious celebration of the wonder, and economic necessity, of the season. It was sated with all manner of tinsels that coiled around every cylindrical object on display. In every conceivably appropriate nook or enclave, there was a suitably sized Christmas tree: The house scintillated in such a way that one might experience similar visual sensation if housed in a champagne flute for the seasons interval. We missed you last night, buddy! We were playing a festive game, and I remember saying, at one point, toI think it was Neil Joan, who was on our team last night? Was it Neil?It must have been Neil, because I remember making a joke about his exs weight loss, and it did not go down very well Brian?? Joan, who is Brian? Do you know who Brian is? I could have sworn it was NeilI dont think I even know a Brian. Harold Buick was loquacious gumbert that, upon speaking, made one aware of every thought that went through his head, and, as a result, had very few friends of the female persuasion, which his wife Joan took to be one of his better qualities. It was definitely Brian, because when that question about Brian Ferry came up, I remember thinking thats Brians name and when I told Brian about it, he smiled, and I remember thinking what a lovely smile and I told you about to, do you not rememberhes getting awfully forgetful in his, Erm, later seasons, Maeve; I bet your finding that with your one Er? But Maeve had tired of the couples whittling and had already absconded to flirt with a man eating some cracker-jacks; and Tony was insulted by the assumption. My memory is perfectly fine thanking you very much Joan. I actually feel like my memory is more astute the older I get Tony said as he sipped on eggnog.
122

-Thats probably because you do less, so you dont have to remember as much. Immediately, Tony felt an overwhelming attraction to the nubile: she entered the conversation coiling her head around a nearby wall, staring up with big brown eyes that starred out beyond tightly cut bobs. Tony was never made aware of the age of the nymphet, but reasoned her to be at least 15-year old which, in this age of civilized debasement, is not so loathsome a concept. Ah, there she isTony; this is our niece, Suet. Harold said. Say hello to Uncle Tony, Suet Joan said. Im not your uncle, darling. Im just an acquaintance of family. Tony hastened to add, fighting back a bashful rouge, and for the rest of the short-lived conversation displayed an unwavering grin that malevolent thought, notwithstanding anyone with 20/20 would deem paedophilic. Due to their late arrival, Maeve and Tony found themselves surviving the majority of the party-goers, who; due to an early start and a competitive nature; had drunk themselves into various stupors, and by the early hours of the morning giving that Maeve had failed in her attempt to revitalize the occasion by starting a party-train that never made it beyond one carriage before being derailed by a ubiquitous Christmas treeTony found himself surreptitiously crumbling block (that he had found in an upstairs draw and assumed was complimentary) into a Rollie on an outside stoop, whenquite out of nowherea tipsy Suet sneaked up and frightened him into almost scuffing the cone. Tony smoked, listening attentively as Suet divulged the secrets of her adolescent life: She disliked boys of her own age as she was more cerebral that they were, and had taken a keen interest in erotic audio books. As she spoke of her young hearts flutterings, she deftly walked a small wall back and forth, gripping the brick with paws, in a manner befitting a gymnast. Tony was transfixed by the movements of the creature and began to wrestle with impure thoughts related to the child. Are we to bed? she coyly asked Tony, as he finished the last of his smoke and flicked the dog-end at a neighbours scrounging cat. Only, I am not sleepy
123

Having finished the hash off, Tony couldnt really think of anything besides sleep at this point and decided against the idea of playing out his seduction of the nymphet, as, he could just get to bed with his wife and wake up tomorrow morning and knock a quick one out before breakfast. Good night, Suet. Tony said as he walked to the door in a controlled manner. Wait Uncle TonyMy feet are really cold, can you carry me inside?. Suet pleaded, shivering boldly atop the wall. Reluctant, and after a great deal of persuasion, Tony allowed Suet to cling to him long enough for her to be knocked unconscious by a misapprehended doorway. When Maeve awoke from her semi-self-induced slumber next to a collapsed Christmas tree, she ventured to the kitchen to feast on the scrapings of the day. But, what was left of the food had been rendered inedible by a couple who were at it on the table, so Maeve went back to the Christmas tree and fell asleep.

124

Let us be serious for a moment Behind the sardonic absurdity that masks the largely nonsensical mutterings of a mind predisposed to the chimeras embedded by a television upbringing; lay a deeply sincere and unapologetic belief that there must be something of value to be taken from this infuriatingly complex life. The longer I live in this world and I can honestly say, without hyperbole, that it feels a considerably longer amount of time than the 25 years that I have officially existed (although one hastens to speak of how long one feels it has been, since time is, itself, such a fucker of a topic!)whilst my intelligence in certain areas is expanding in ways that I find most satisfactory, I still remain completely perplexed by the one thing that I believe to be of most importance: that of human connection. The older I get, and the more time I spend in the comfortable seclusion of my imagination, the further I find myself drifting from others people, and I fear that unless a stroke of luck so spectacularas to only exist in perfectly agreeable art, of one form or another happens upon my wretched form, I will soon approach an event horizon of sorts, and wind up as another delusionary fool who, through the process of inculcation, has made himself believe that the good life is to be understood as nothing more than making sure the body that houses his consciousness is sufficiently watered and fed for as long as luck would have him exist! To feel a deep, overwhelming affection for someone, not based on projection or fantasy, but slowly gained through companionship regardless of, or mayhap because of, specific idiosyncrasies and imperfectionsis, in my opinion, a very real goal to aim for. And in a life in which delusions brought about by elevated ideas as to what can be realistically achieved by a species who vastly overestimates its intelligence and stature leads to, more often than not, unfathomable amounts of pain and suffering, one feels it not such a ridiculous proposal .
125

In short: I feel awfully alone this evening, and should like; before I am ended, to try my hand at living for another. I am fortunate enough to know people who do so: This comparatively simple act appears to me a fundamental necessity to human happiness. One finds it utterly extraordinary to witness, and will remain forever in awe of those who are committed to its practice. Most sincerely, s(b)s

126

The Confessions of Thorpe Pogrom - A Campus Serial (For Dig) I Next to being beaten senseless by an ex alcoholic-unclestill very much an alcoholic but no longer an uncle; my mothers sister having divorced the brute shortly after the incidentUna breaking my heart was the most painful thing I had hitherto experienced. And for the two university terms that followed (along with a terribly melancholic Christmas period that saw me walking around a half emptied campus baying, whilst whipping seasonal latte foam at infuriately happy Asian couples) I had been held up in my digs in frenzied contemplation as to what course of action had precipitated this wonderful person leaving me alone with my wretched self. I had reposed the entire period away: my legs, a set of sinewy staves that I often forget were in my possession. And I spent a great deal of time weeping over the loss of my love, whilst simultaneously trying to masturbate myself to death a task which I believed I could accomplish, if only I had sufficient energy to do so (I had watched a documentary around the same time and was convinced the problem related to a possible undiagnosed bipolarity disorder). My isolation was interrupted on the occasions that my affable dealer, Herman, would have a delivery for me. Herman, a fellow student of the University[1] , paid his way by selling class b and c substances to respectable students (I myself had a standing order with him, under the title services rendered) and was awfully good company, as he was of good pedigree, and often doped up to the eyeballs; his short term memory being so damaged that one could divulge all manner of intimate personal details without the nuisance of having him remember them. It was one of Hermans deliveries that, in hindsight, was to be the cause my current predicaments predicaments which would make
127

the pain inflicted by both Una and ex-uncle Mort along with every accumulated pain I had hitherto felt (such as the time that I had become so excited by the thought of England winning the Rugby world cup, that I clambered onto the bar of the Rugby society my parents were, up to that point, distinguished members of, and slurring fortifying words of Brittany, before slipping on a succession of beer mates, suffering vertigo, and shitting myself in bemusement as I knocked myself unconscious) that would make all such instances but minor footnotes in a treatise entitled: Either Losing an overdeveloped left testicle because you were doltish enough to believe it capable of defeating a prizewinning conker: the Thorpe Pogrom Adventures Or The trouncing of a gonad by the prizewinning conkering of Nawthrap Jop[2]: The Thorpe Pogrom Adventures.[3] It was the final term of my 3rd and final year of University: I know it was the final term because I had just received a letter from the dean that elucidated the fact that, due to constant neglect on my part, with regards study, if I did not successful pass my summer examinations I would be unable to retake failed modules and be kicked out: I know it was my final year because it had been the 3rd letter of the sort that I had received pertaining to such threats. However, this did not faze me in the slightest, as my mother was a University professor herself, and as such I was fully aware of how desperate the Universities of England were to pass students, regardless of how dangerously incompetent they happened to be at their specific subjects. But it was always nice to be aware of what the elements were up to, without having to condescend to the hassle of looking out the window or, heaven forbid, engaging them. Herman had just got back from the break, and (mayhap due to the watchful scrutiny of an ex-corporal father) looked far less unhealthy than usual though he did assure me that, whilst his vacation period had mainly consisted of fishing on Lake Ontario with the corporal, he had been completely off his tits on a fantastic concoction of Canadian psychotropics, and at one point of the expedition, he swore blind to hearing the word of god emanation from oily lips of a bass. When I asked him what exactly the aquatic deity had proclaimed, he was lost in reverie for a disconcerting amount of time, and I

128

an ardent disciple of the Twainian aphorism, tried pressing him on the matter: Well?! Said I, gumming the paper that held the product the tranced vendor peddled. Well what? Herman replied lackadaisically, having become once again absorbed in whether the rotund lady would deal or not deal. What did he say to you? I pressed, passing him the peace in a vain attempt to jog his memory. Who? Herman enquired, as the rotund women on the television dealt on 5,000. The god in the corporeal form of a fish?! I said curtly. ohsorry man! Herman chortled, I have the attention span of aof a- -of a fish?! I said, unable to contain the pleasure taken from such an acute witticism. And a human fish at that Herman concurred, why is she cryingId take a loss of 245,000 to get 5,000, right?! he continued, posing the question as he returned me my peace. WHAT DID THE FUCKING FISH SAY, HERMAN! I mewled in annoyance. Oh shit(cough)sorry man Herman said, in earnest loosening the phlegm-build up that he had accumulated over the 3 hours since he entered my digs. He was pensive for a few moments, then, having relocated his mind, began beaming in his childishly simplistic way: wellhe spoke with more eloquence than I can at least at this precise moment in time replicatebut the gist of it was that I shouldnt worry about things so much, and that I should just be happyyou knowhappy with my lot in lifethe bass was pretty profound.I was especially impressed that he managed to espouse these words of wisdom whilst out of his natural habitatwith a hook in his beak to boot. Herman said, nodding his head accordingly. I was silent for a moment in contemplation: for I wanted to be certain about how I was to play it: Soyou were highcaught a bassand the bass told you not to worry, and to be happy? I enquired.
129

Yuppretty far out, huh. Herman concurred. It said dont worry, be happy! I queried. Yep Herman confirmed. Herman I uttered, delicately. yup Herman muttered inaudibly he being preoccupied by something happening on the screen that, due to a change in the suns position in the sky, I could not quite make out. Im going to say some words now, and much like word associationyouve done a bit of psychology, right? I said. Enough replied Herman, becoming ever more engrossed in the commotion on the screen, but not yet lost to my inquisitions. GoodSo, Im going to say some words, and I want you to let me know what these words conjure up in your mind , ok I said, acutely aware that I was becoming more interested in what I thought I might have been seeing on the television screen, than what I wanted to prove to my drug dealer/friend. K Herman replied, barely listening. Bigmouthbilly- .But I didnt get around to uttering the last word, as with each of the previous utterances I had moved closer to Herman, as I could no longer resist seeing if what I thought I saw on the television was actually happening; and by the time I got the fourth and final word the sight of a hysterical, rotund and maniacal women ripping tufts of facial hair from the sobbing face of a television presenter had rendered me speechless. Herman left my digs the following morning about 4.30as the television had given up trying to entertaining us, and it was too early to watch cartoons without us feeling like paedophilesand having relaxed into the sensations of my first solitary peace, I turned to the TV sex lines I had been comforting myself with since Unas departure, as I had become infatuated with one of the presenters: a tiny little creature going by theone assumes pseudonym: Ulia Praxis. What most impressed me about Miss Praxis was the manner in which she comforted the callers who through haste, or just the sheer excitement of being on televisionspunked the call too early. More often than not, the less delicate members of the TV
130

show would often berate such callers, inadvertently causing their demeanours to turn to that of giggling schoolgirls. Which I found abhorrent; for when the models began displaying the traits of children, I found the whole enterprise became dreadfully seedy, and would be pulled back into reality: sitting in my darkened room, illuminated by the deep colours of pornography, whilst my ever softening cock scraping the teeth of my open fly in an attempt to return to the comforting warmth of my public mound. But Ulia was different: whenever a caller precipitously coughed up a pearl drop she would delicately offer succour to the embarrassed beast, and had become such a dab hand at making her callers feel at ease that often after theyd finished she could relax them to such a state that they would drop off whilst still footing the bill. It had gotten to the stage, from what I could discern, whereby those working behind the scenes [4] would see how long a caller could be kept on the air before he awoke. The longest periodcertainly to my mindwould have been, in total, about 2 hours. The man who held the record was eventually made aware that the show was taking pleasure out of lampooning him when his step-son had come home, to what he thought was an empty house (his mothers husband being on a work trip; his mother deterioration forcing her into an infirmary). And, finding his stepdad asleep on the sofa with the house phone locked into the crevice of his neck; the television echoing the snore he omitted, along with the static cackle of those in the studio; and, picking up an addition cordless telephone unit located on the upstairs landing, the irked youth made his way back down and preceded to tell the voice on the other line (No longer Ulia, but the more stern, waspish voice, of Frulein Balearix: An elderly dominatrix) the intricacies of what he had seen upon entering the house. Before allowing himself to become caught up in the seductive timbre of the Frauleins authoritative voice, and shanking himself whilst the Madame castigated him with equal fury, until, finally no doubt flushed, and evidently panting he spew onto his hand a specimen of seed and creamed the sample atop the sleeping mans baldy head with such a force that he was torn from his slumber, and the befuddled man spent another hour on the phone line trying to unsuccessfully claim his money back.

131

I awoke the following afternoon to the terribly familiar realisation that I had fallen asleep talking to Ulia, this time demanding to call her Una throughouta request she eventually acquiesced to, and quickly tired ofand I had no way of knowing how long I had been left on the line; once satisfied, satiated, and somnolent; and left my digs in the hope that new surroundings would distract by mind from such anxieties: deciding to wander the campus, musing whilst doing so, as to the methods my own father would employ in an attempt to recompensed himself for the dead air the sex-line was having him pay for: I being a mouth breather, at the time. To Be Furthered [1] I am reluctant to divulge the name of the institution, as I believe Herman now holds a job working as a researcher there, and would not want to get the poor fellow fired, as I have yet to find a more reliable dealer and it is often worth the two hour journey to know you are not getting schnickelfritz from some plebeian who has the audacity to believe you not sufficiently learned in the ways of a drug-deal to know when you are getting cunted off! [2] Nawthrap was the name of the victor. [3] Either/or: Depending on publisher preference. [4] Mostly men, as I sometimes saw them run on camera and jocularly flick the tits of the various host of the show - when the phone lines had gone down, and all concerned were coasting.

132

Cupids Shaft through the Scull of Ben Guffin Ben pulled up on the street of Scurt Lapalcos domicile so prematurely that she herself had not yet the chance to arrive home. He had shirked his, largely inconsequential, Tuesday afternoon responsibilities so he may have sufficient time to spruce his corpulent frame for the rendezvous that the two had agreed upon: When, wandering the 5th floor of the office block that the two both worked in; in search of a workable vending machine that still dispensed the sparse granary bars that were agreeable to his delicate innards; Ben noticed a sobbing sound coming from a disabled toilet opposite the machinethat had, by that point gluttonously devoured the majority of his small change; having failed to dispense a single item. When Ben investigated as to the source of the whimpering; hesitantly opening the dooralready ajarhe found Scurt: a delicate, willowy colleen who worked out of the office opposite Bens own (and who Ben had oftenwhen the small amount of work he was required to do, so as to remain unnoticed around the office, had been finished, and his fantasy football team had been successfully amended for the next scheduled game week constructed elaborate fantasies about). Are you ok, Miss Lapalco? Ben asked Scurt bashfully, after a few moments, in which he stood at the doors opening, unnoticed, as the girl continued to weep: sitting on the disabled toilet; her now ruined make up leaking onto her blouse and piny (having been unsuccessfully absorbed by the single sheet of toilet paper that remained in the unfrequented, and therefore unmaintained disabled facility). Oh said Scurt, somewhat surprised, breaking into a small fit of laugher Im fineErm BenBen Guffin, I work in the office opposite, Ben quickly interjected so as to leave unconfirmed the theory that Scurt did not know his name, or the fact of his existence.

133

Benof courseI am fine Benjust being silly really she continued: Perhaps she did know him after all, Ben surmised. Would you like to talk about it? Ben asked delicately, as he moved from the doors entrance and awkwardly sat on the sink, until he could maintain the stance no longer and returned the doorway. Not really replied Scurt. And a silence fell upon the conversation. In an attempt to alleviate the awkwardness of such a silence, Ben asked Scurt if she had any plans for the evening; being Valentines Day and all; and upon asking, witnessed her lips slowly begin to quiver. Before, after a few moments, she erupted in hysterical sobs and incoherent high-pitched laments. Once Ben had calmed her downby rushing the vending machine at as fast a speed as his pudgy frame could muster; causing all manner of confectionary to spew out of the, now thoroughly dented dispensary; and comforting her with a Twix and a Vimto he took another lull in the conversation to ask Scurt out for Valentines Day. After a few moments, and a walnut whip, Scurt conceded to his request. When Scurt eventually arrived at her housesome 2 hours after Ben had arrivedshe was escorted by a burly, tattoo-cladded mod, in a ford escort, whofrom what Ben could discernstuck his tongue down her throat for about four minutes before she hopped out of the car. Whereby he stuck a blow to her gluteus of such intensity that the sound emanating echoed above the thumping chart music that blared out of the vehicles sonorous bass system. Having reasoned that the gent was a friend, after a few minutes Ben approached Scurts home and rang the doorbell. After a few moments with no answer, Ben took the doorbell to be broken and began knocking upon the door, first sporadically, then after about 10 minutes, continuously. Eventually Ben saw a figure approach the door and swept the parting of his hair, whichdue to sweat accreted through exertionhad become dishevelled. Scurt opened the door looking utterly divine: her crimped hair totally befitting the elegant dress that clung to her lascivious form; the only aspect of her appearance that seems contradictory was the look of utter discomforted that permeated every aspect of her countenance: Ohits you, Scurt eventually said, as her rubicund face turned from a healthy to a feverish glow.

134

It is mesorry, I am a bit earlybut I have been waiting for a while and my legs had begun to fall asleep, said Ben as he revealed the bouquet of roses that he surreptitiously concealed in his blue blazer; losing a button whilst doing so. Sorry theyre a bit squashedI lent on them in the car trying to find an A to Z map in the glove compartmentbut I think they were a bad bunch to begin with. Ben continued, smiling sheepishly. Oh, Ben sighed Scurt desperately, did you not get my email? What email? Ben asked, as his gut began to churn familiarly. I sent you an email this afternoondid you not read your emails? asked Scurt, who began speaking to Ben in the pitying tones that one might towards a child. I left work early this afternoonI wanted to look the part, replied Ben, becoming slightly angry, and hiding it terribly. Oh, Ben sighed Scurt againthis time even more patronisingly, making Ben become himself florid. Whats the problem? Do you need more time to get ready?Cause I can wait in the car for a little longerI have an A to Z I could peruse I mean- But before Ben had a chance to continue his inquiry he was interrupted by the sound of a ford escort; music blaring; that pulled up near the house and began honking incessantly, before its driver rolled down the window and bellowed the following: Lapalco, stop fuckin about an urry along, ya dozy mare!If we miss this fuckin bookin Im goin out on the lash with Busby, like I wantd ta do anyways, an you can fuckin trot ome!! And with that, Scurts countenance re-aligned with the rest of her delightful appearance and she quickly rushed out of the door, into the escort, which sped off down the road, leaving Ben standing at the door of the house that remained opened holding the unrequited bouquet. And as he slowly made his way back to his mothers car, having shut the door himself, Ben could have sworn that he heard, trailing from the escort, Scurts delicate voice saying: See you at work! And Ben smiled, and said to himself: I think she likes me!

135

Part IIOppidum

136

Chapter Eleven
OkI thinkI think the shift in, inin whatever ititit was, that changed in themstartedwith Pete. Now Pete had beenPete was at Uni, with Roman.He wasI reckonHeyou know, likeI tend to feel that Roman; thought him his best friend, or whateverit was, you know.AndandAnd there were at Uni together; andRomanRomanyou got the feeling that Roman sort I idolised him a bit, actually.And He was always the nicest guyHe was, sort ofHe was Irish. And he he was good looking, andhe was sort of goodphysicand he was just more than anything, he was just a very nice guy; and he was fun. Andand so anywayand like I say; him andhim and Kym had hooked upthe first time I met Kym. And then, subsequently; I believe thatthat when Kym moved to London, sheused toshe likeshe worked on the same road as him so they used to go to lunch together a stuff like that. And theythey subsequently sort ofthey were, they werehooking up anduntil the point where I think she wasI think she wanted to sort of pin him down. And that was when he told themher, told her thathe just wanted to be friends. And Pete had lived with Malcolm and Lena forthethe you knowin the spare room, before, when Sam had moved out, and then before, you knowand then after that Kym. Andand basically; the way that hed leftPeckhamhe left, the flatis thathim, Sam , and Roman, had beenhad been mugged. Theydtheyd been walking frombecause Roman; to begin with; lived in NunheadNunsheador Nunhead, sorry. And it was only a short walk, t-to Peckhamto the Peckham flatof Malcolm and Lena. And and theyd been walking home, I thinkandor doing something; and they gotsort ofsomesome black, I think teenagers of something asked them, you know, for ththe, the time; or something like that. AndSee;I tend to feel thatif Id been thereit would have been a bit different. OrbecauseIve always; this is a, this is a thing. Iyou knowIve never had a good phone.For the simple reason that 1)I lose them; and 2)thatandgenerallyin, you knowpossession-wise; Ive never had that much stuff. BecauseI just feel thatyoure safer without
137

all this stuff.You know, itsits almost; if youve got a flashy new phone; or youve got andanything; with that breads resentment; from people. And youre more likely tototo be mugged; Or to be robbed. Or to beyou know just.It makes people more aggressive towards you, if theycovet what youve got. You know, looklike at the riots, I mean.they wereyou knowyou get all these sort of angry people in these, shitty situations. And loweryou knowlow income houses, and stuff like that. And the bottom line is: All they want is stuff. They justtheyvethey covet what, what; essentially the culture has, sort of engrained in you: thatthe key is having things: Have things. And they wanted things. And so when, thethe looting started; they just startedgetting phones; and gettingtrainers and stuff like that. Because thats what, exactly whatthethe economy works in that wayits itit works in a way thatit feeds of peoplesneed, to consume; constantly just consume. Andget the newfashionand stuff like that..And so I wasIm always against that sort of stuff. So And as a result;and also Im very goodIthroughout my life, Ive met alot of different people. And befriended, different; types andand as long as youre nice to people; they tend to sort of, let youand you sort of prove that youre not a threat. Or that you get them; or that you you are interested in them. Or, thatyou knowor you dontyou dontbred contempt within them: they tend to be ok with you. Because, like: I cant get over this fact thatwe are animals. You knowwe arethere is no, you knowis one of my favourite favourite, sort oftruisms.In the sense that, whenone wouldnt say its a truism, but you knowtoto sort of. If you believe in, evolution;or if you, think its got any legs to stand on, and stuff like thatand the natural progression isis this:if you, if youif you believe thatthatthat there is any weight behind itthe logically conclusion is this: There is no great chain of being. You know, we arewe are as evolved asanything else. And with that, you assume thatyou know, werewe have to deal with the same sort of constraints and stuff like that. Andlanguage is a trickytricky fellow, becauseI believe what it does is itsort of tricks
138

you intointoand, you knowweve been able to structure our societies. And become the dominant species on the planet,at theyou know to the detriment of the rest of them.including the planet itself. You knowandyou knowWe tend towe tend to think were better than we are, you know like that we, weknow thats going on and stuff like that, and; because weits all so very, very complex and as alwaysbut essentially were, you knowanimals, Andand theres this sort ofI, I get this horrible sort of, feeling; whenever Im sort of, talking to people thatyou know theresat theres these conditions whereby thatthat animal will become hostile to you. And so I try not to do that. Because its, notbeneficial to me, I d I like, living. You know, I dont particularly want to end it; any time soon. Becausecause its, itsits not completely disagreeable to me. So anyway So if I was thereI think it would have gone down a bit differently. Because I would have been able to placate them, and justbut anyway Theytheyd obviouslybecause you can tell. Becausethey dont mean it, buttheyre all sobigoted towards, sort ofyou know they live in Peckham. And the contempt that they have forwhen theyd livedyou know, when they lived in Peckham; or just generally, you know. The contempt that you have for sort oflow income, black peopleis really hard to.you know they: of themand I mean most, people, I see. I see sort ofyou know theres a natural, visceralfear of them, or sort of, just hate of them; or contempt of them; its horrible. And no wonderyou know, and ifyou your, projecting that to people; their obviously gonna:rob you blind. You knowand so, basically Theyd stoppedthese, these, black kids had stopped them; to ask them what the time was. And none of them hadnow; you could say that the reason they asked them what the time was; so that they could check their phones. Butyou knowand even if you are getting mugged; theres a, you knowtheres a dignified way to, to do it. You just, give them your phone; say, you know: Im not if someone comes up to me and mugs me; Im gonna be like: Look. Youre obviously going to, take what you want. Which is fine; Im notIm pretty scarred at this point; Im not going to,
139

to deny that. I dont want a confrontationIm not a very confrontational person. Just take it; but just know that, you know, theres not resentment, or anything like that But Which, you know; you could argue that, could end undoubtedlyI could get stabbed for that. Butat least you go down, in a sort of dignified manner. But as it wasTheyyou know; they asked them what their phone wastheythey asked that what the time was, sorry.Theythey said they didnt know. And then they basically, said: Give us you phones. And I dont know whether there was a knife, or anything. And they said: Weve got a knife. Or something like that: and they may have. And I can imagine it being quite scarescary.But, you know But, Theres things in life that are scary. Andits how you deal with it, I guess.And so basically, What had happened, isI think thatRoman hadbolted. Or hed drop to the ground and bolted, or something like that.LikeI remember once; we when in Prague, for New Year; and he did much a similar thing. We had run away from aa place because we didnt want to pay; cause the service was really bad; and we thought: We can get away with this. Andand wed ranwe thought that hedwed lost him to we had to pay for it. And it turned out, hed, hed completely left the group, and just run away. Soyou know, he washes a selfish, little thing. Andhes he will always be fine; even if its at, to theand so hehe scarpered; and Sam followed. And I think Pete was left, last of all. And I, it must have shock him up. But anywayPetes parents are sort oftheyre catholic. And theyre, theyre veryBut basically what had happened, isor what Pete had said, isPete had said thathis parents wouldnt let him live in Peckham any more. And were gonna give him the money for a flat. I think he was from Essex, or something. And he basically left: And left in sort of, quite stale. You know he just sort of went; and got his stuff and just left. Andyou know, someI tend to think that, you know, ifif youif you get
140

your mate run away from you. And leave you, just. On your own with against a gang of peopleyou knowthere is an argument that theyre not your mates. And so anyway, he leftthe flat. Andand he told Kymthat that thisand, you know Side-note: he was heyou knowhedhed, sort ofleft things with Kym. He didnt really wannabe with her. And, I dont know that situation, butyou knowto judge it. Andand anyway Before Id moved down, wed gone to meet himlike, I didwe went to meet him Every so often, you know; hed justhe wouldnt be around; hehe tended to do his own thing; and, then then, and stuff like thatpeople always moaned that he wasnt around; and I waspeople are always veryI never understand thementality of people who want topossess people. Or just: feel need for them to be around all the time. You know; if he wasnt, didnt wannaseesee me, or them; you knowwho, who are we or themwho are we or they toto sort of, get annoyed about it; I dont really understand it. And so we met him in this pub, inyou know, in London: central London. Andhedthere was Me, Ben, Morgan, and Roman; and Pete. And Id just come down.I was probably looking for flats, I think.and he mentionedI think, and so we got to this pub, and he was like: ; Got some news. And hed startedhed met the girl on theon the underground; an Irish girl.and he like her.and he was like: ; Gonna be a Dad. Andand everyone waseveryone was, was was shocked; and was like: Oh my God! Oh my God!. And I wasI was sort ofcause at that time, IdI was struggling for what I wanted to do. And I was very much interested in the idea of beinga fatherof starting a family, I think. Becauseyouget to the stage; you grow up and, andreallywere in ain a quite interesting position wherenormally, you know. I mean my Mum was 201 I think, when she had me.

141

And I was already 24 or 25 at that time. And most people, you know; they havethey met someone; and then they start a family, and then your life becomes aboutraising these, these children.Theres a phrase in, politicsin Japan; there was this thing called the, Parasitic SinglesIt was people whowho basically had it too good. And they just lived at home; with their parents. And so Iand so in the same sort of way, its that: You knowjust like; idiot, men-children; and women-children, you know. Justyou know, not; really knowing what to do: Because they didnt have any responsibilities. And, sowhen he told us that, I thought: Thatsthats good. Because he was saying thatyou know, they found out. And he, he talked about getting rid of it; but he was catholic. And he really just couldnt, justify it with himself; and I think thats commendable. You knowplus it thinkthere was also thethe idea that, and he also mentioned the fact that; what was he gonna do? Because he worked inhe got a job in London; quite a good Job: He he had an economics degree. And his sister got him ahe basically was also, almost like a Relationship Managerfor this company, you know. So hed take people out; and hedand he was very social; and anyway andand he was saying, he was meeting all these people; and that there was these sort of 40 year old; 50 year old men who were still going around getting pissedand he just didnt want to be with them. And he thought, you knowthis chance had presented itself and, you knowhe was gonna take it. And everyone was sort of: Well yeahyou know. .Everyone.Everyonewas sort of: YeahIm shocked, butbut, yeah thatswhatever, you wantwhatever you wanna do. And then they started talking about, you know: I wanna be theGodyou knowGodfather. .Or whatever. And they sort ofmade him feel comfortable.II was just sort ofI talked to him the way thatI talk to most people. And theycant reallyyou know, they justI was just saying that, you knowthat II wasit was commendable, what he was doing. And, andI wasII was at the same position, really. And, andI thought: You know what: go for it. Fuck it. You have my complete respect.
142

Andand we went to the bar: Me and Roman and Morgan. And Morgan went, to Roman; or something like that; its like: So did you know? And Roman was like: Oh; Yeah! And I wasI was like: What??How didHow did you know?? And it turned out Kym hadPete had told Kym: and Kym had told everyone. And I thought, you knowand that another think I thought: God! Why didnt you just say that you knew?! I mean, whyoure lying to his face, sort ofyouveyouve thought of all these things to say. And youve sort of It was almost like rehearsed: and I was the only one who didnt know. Andand I was a sort of bitI mean, Imwhy didnt I? Why wasnt I informed?I guess; in hindsight, you know. There was reasons.and so anyway and so that was when it shifted. Andand you got thisI remember once talking to Kym. And Kym had saidwe were inthis is when we were in the pub. Before Id met Ryanand this was the night before Id met Ryan.and I like throwing these sorts of questions at people. Cause people just talk a lot of guff. And I like sort of just throwing inand I was like: Whats your biggest fear? And, and, when you throw something like that; people often justthey athey just reflectively answer. And she said: Being single when Im forty And I thought:and Id drunk and I was in a sort of, bit of a, contrary mood. Because I tended to think that she was sort of distancing herself from meI was getting sort of passively aggressivelyyou know fighting back, or whatever. And I was like: Dont be sillyyou shouldnt be thinking thatyou should only think of death.youre only fear should be death.

143

Which II believe.oryou know, I thought I believed, butbut really no. And sheand thenand basically From that point onpeople startedacting very strange.They They They started talkingwhereas before they were having fun. And they were sort of beingjust doing whatever an, an, sort ofthat they were just: fun.and then they started thinkingI think they must have thought: Fuck!If Petesyou know Its almost this competition thing again.its the: Well if Petes got a kid?! .And I remember Roman actually, saying something like that.It was like: I cant believe Petes gonna have a Kid before me. Andand that was when they sort of.there was a shift. In everyone. Not so much Malcolm and Hannahbecause they were on their own sort of journeytheydtheyd beenMalcolms from a veryMalcolm and Lena are adoing their own thing. Andand I can sort of, almost deal with them a lot more. Becausefor one, I lived with them for a while; and I know themI know them pretty well. And theyre gonna do what they do. And were gonna obviously part, company. At one point.Because what they want to do is so very different from what I wanna do; hopefully it wont be a hopefully it will be an amicable split. Butyou knowI tend to feel that its gonna be.its gonna bejustyou know, harsherBut, anyway this shift. And Roman had stared, you knowtheyd all started regurgitating the same things. Sort of like: OhI really got to start sortingsorting ourselves out. Gettingourselves Side note: Morganwho we went to Uni withhes a lawyer. Andhes one of the people who I dont think. Heshes, very much of, in and of himself. And hes fine. And Ive never had any problems with Morgan. Being that, hehe does what most people do.

144

Hehe postures this, sort ofquitearrogant, and sort ofcocky, sort ofsarcastic; constantlysardonic person who; at the root of it; is just a very, very gentle and nice, andI think, you knowjust a nice guy. And hes different; and he gothes a lawyer. So he has to deal with hishis own shit, daily. I cant really imagine that being a particularly good situation to be in. I mean, like a one point; he was talking abouthe went to a BP sort of, thing. Andjustifying sort ofsomething likeputting people out of their houses, or something like that; for thisand then at one point he was like: You know whatand thats when I start realising, that; you knowmaybe Im notmaybeyou knowwere doing bad things. Which isas long asas long as youre honest with yourself, that ok; I can deal with that, you know; Its theits the hypocrisy of, ofdelusion. ItsI cant deal with it.So anyway They all started talking about, you know: Gotta get themselves sorted. And time to grow up; and stuff like that. Andandthis; thisthis is how we entered the house. Adare Walk. 105 Adare Walk is where we livedStreatham Hill. Andthe first thing that happened; on the day we moved in.we had to be there to getMy parentmy Mum had drove me down; my brother and sister was there. SamsMum and his Step-dad were there. And Romanhad been withRoman basically came in to just, put histo just sign his things, and then hefucked off: to see Olive, again.which was to be a,a theme. And straight away, I got in there. Andand, there isthe waythe house; the layout of the house is You go in: Theres a thin; a corridor. And then there isas you go into the house there isa small bedroom. Then you go left and down a corridor. And then to the left of that, there is a kitchen going on to a sort of balcony. And thenalmost adjacent to the kitchen, there is a second; quite large; room. Then next to that second, quite large room; connected to a wall, there is a living room. And then connect to the wall of the living room, and straight on down the corridor; if you were to, come into the house and turn left and go straight down; there is a huge room, which is the third bedroom. Andas soon as we got thereI got there a Roman said:

145

Ok. Ive taken the big bedroom. Because youveyouve been crashing on my floor for so long. And I think I deserve it. Whicheven thoughyou knowwhat is weird about it, isI feel that; looking back; I feel that hehe thought that Id been living with him. You knowwith, thewhen Ben and Sam had been living with him: whichwhich I hadnt, obviously. Butit was just a bityou tendedI tended to. I feel that people often tended to get me and Sam people often got me and Sam confused. Which was weird because we look nothing alike; and we arent alike. Apart from we like music; and we smoke weed. But people often got us confused. And we were always together; just because were the only onesSam was mainly one of the only people I could botherbear to be around. Because, you knowhewe hadhe was very much sort of into the same things I was. And wed grown up obviously, watching all this stuff; smoking. And we done the EPand we were veryclwed spend a lot of time together; We werentwe were closewe werent that close yet.BecauseI realised that the difference in spending time with people; and being close; is quite extraordinary. And so, basically Richard hadthe Landlord. Hedfirst of all he wanI dont know whywhen he found outthere waso Roman had taken the biggest room. And then there was a choice between this very small room, and the second biggest room. And RomSam was like: I dont really mind what I wanna dowhat you wanna do. You knowIll take either. And Id found the flat; butit wI was almost, in contrary toBecause Roman had beendone this sort of thing; I was like: You know what. It doesnt matter what size room you have; because, I donIm not like that. So I was like: Ill take the small room. Its further away. From, fromthe living room; it might be betterthink Ive got the best deal I sort ofjokingly said: You know whatyou knowIll take the small roomyou know what: Im pretty sure Im getting the better deal. And Richard was liketook me, you knowwas like: Ahso youre taking the small room. Thats a bit odd. Cause youyou knowyou sort ofyou brokered this deal.
146

And I was like: Oh, it doesnt matter. It really doesnt really matter; where you stay. And Im very much like that, you know. Im very muchyou know Wittgenstein wroteTractatusPhilosophicus, or whateverin prison: In a prisoner of war camp; on like sheets of paper. AndIts a testament to sort ofand Bertrand Russell; when he went to prison, for conscientious objection; in the First World War. He was talking very much abouthowitsyou knowits the mind, isnt it. Its likewherever you arewherever your external environment is; youre still very much in yourself. Its about how you deal with that. SoI liked that idea. And it sort ofand also; what more thanyou know basically, I was like: Well fuck you, Roman! If youre gonna have the biggest room; Im gonna have the smallest room: And as far away from you as possible. And And soyeahand so; wedwe got all our stuff in. And it was sort of exciting. And then Roman lefthe rushed off as soon as hed signed the deed and stuff; back toOlivia.Andand it was leftMy and Sam were left in this houseAndwe. We had a smoke. And we hadSam had taken some of his stuff intoto this flat. Andit wasthere was thisRoman wasnt there. And no one was thereit was just me and Sam. And it was likefor the first time. Wed been talking about this for so long. And it was so nice. And we had this. We had thisit was almost unreal. We had this flat! We had thiswe had our own place. And it was all new.and I had yet toI had to find work and stuff like that.soIthere was these opportunitiesthere was thisendless possibilitiesand, we got highin the living room, wewatched some stuff. And thenand straight away, Idsorted my room out. So it was allit was allit was all designedand so, it was quite a small room. But it looked good. You knowand, itand it looked like a room. And it wasnt sort of abox, it wasnt sort of like youd justI, it had, sort of my personalityattached to it, straightaway. Andand it was a quite exciting time.andit was completely new. And I was very excited about what Because I basically, whenI thought:

147

The blogs doing really, really well: You knowIm doing such really good things. I wanna get this out there. I wanna sort ofgo to London, sort of mix it up to be completelyun-profound. And I was justvery excited, about the whole idea. I thought thatyou knowme and Sam and Roman: we were mates; and we were gonna have the best time. And it was just gonna bebecause every time I came down, to London. Iand I sawhow much fun they were having. And I was just so glad to be finally a part of it. Becauseand, you knowbecause; regardless of anything; I was quite the reason I moved down; becauseI was lonely, really.whilst whilsttheartistic stuff was going really, really well; I didnt really have anyone to share it with. And I wanted to sort ofdo stuff with, Roman and Sam. Because Romans very, very funny; I thought we couldhes, you knowI thought we could: he was always the funny one. He was always justI just had so much fun. He was justhe was just so very, very funny. And, and, andand me and Sam could do music andand I thought, justwe couldit was just the perfectit would all come together. And it was all perfect. Andand so yeah, I remember justa strange sort ofsensations of being; high, in this new room andjustmy imagination running wild with all the things that was gonna happen. And howhowfinally I justI knew what I wasId started my lifemy life was about toto just really kickinto gear. You know but first I needed a job.

148

Chapter Twelve
Ok Now Ive never, reallyseen the point, of jobs. Andand I know that sounds, sort of.Cause whenever Iyou says something like that, and people sort of, go: Youve gotta have a job, youve gotta have a job.you know dont be sodont be so fucking stupid. Butbut reallyIve always felt Id a mate, when I was 16sorry, Id a, Id a mate; and when he 16; and when I was 16; he got a job, andAnd, I remember the first he, bought withhe got his job at this sort of farm. And the first thing he bought with, some money that hed earntwas a Chinese takeaway; for both of us. Which is fine, you know; butI could have done without it.and and I,So basically we used to live in, Hailsham. And, when we moved to Eastbourne, andand I was in sixthI was in; I think I was I was just about to startstart, Sixth form. Andmy Mum, all of a sudden, got very annoyed at me. BecauseI wasnt working; and never had a job. And sheshe got very angry once, andand I remember, ourher friendher friend, who used to clean our house. And she was a sort ofsort of a, drug addict, andshe shad had sort of a rough life.Andshe was here, she was thereand, my Mummade me march up to, ashe got really very angry with me, this one point you know. And she was likeand she made me march up to, thisthis book shop; its aa place calledGardners Booksin Eastbourne. Which, basically I think it made and distributed booksor something like that. And I hand my noticemy CV in; and, andand also I went, down tocause we, we; and Friday Street is a, isin a place called, st stStones X which is sort of, in betweenHailsham and Eastbourne. Andand justand just up the road theres a place called Langley.and theres a shopping centre in Langley, andwhich had, subsequentlyit was a desperate old, old thing andI mean I workedthere, there was a T.C in there; and I worked in the T.C forquite a time. Andandit had asbestos in the ceiling; this T.C And it had to sort ofsoafter Id
149

finished working there; I went back there andand it, it sort, it felt all allalmostalmost sort of moreI came back from Uni; I went in there, and I thought: Oh my god! This place is, seems even more constricting then when I, left. And It turned out that there was asbestos in the ceiling. Andtheyd actually had to, lower the ceiling. Andand anyway; a couple ofa couple of months agothethe ceiling of the shopping centrethe sfyou know had caved in, onon; right in the middle theres atheres a sort of restaurant areathat; people eat.and it caved in. Andso and so anyway, I never really saw the point of jobs. And I always felt that I was force into them; but I guess everyone was force into them. I assume my Mum was; and thats whyyou know, thats whyd sheshedshed obviously seen, her sort of 18 year son, or whatever. And sort of thought: You know what. Ive got to kick his arse into gear. Because, otherwise hes not gonna do anything. And it was probably out of love, butbut anywayandand all the moneyand, you know. And I rememberlikejust little things .Like, the first bank account Id ever opened, was a checking account in Barclays. And the only reason Id open it is because Id been given a cheque. You knowId never; I never would ofI wasfrom that point, you know that; I was about9 or 10, or something like that.And I always thoughtyou know, much like thisI was opening this Chequing Account, for; to cash someone elses cheque. So I could have some money, thatup to that point, Id done completely well, and fine without:obviously because my parents had been, paying my way. You knowmuch like they always have, but. Ive always at the bottom of it feltso the money Id earnt at T.C, in my first job. It just used to go on boozeandand; not really anything else. I justit just sort ofjust was, justthere, you know. I spent, I spent a lot on, on tDVDs and. Because; you get a job, and thenits almost likeI didnt know what to do with it. Ive never, never been sort of shIm alwaysImI; and all my family, are terrible with money. Andit, Ive never been shown how, to todeal with it. Andmore than that, II have thisI always have this feeling that, IveI have this feeling that Ive gotI have this money,
150

and thenespecially, you knowthe older you get, andyou, youdo your best to sort ofyou got in, you knowoutgoings and you know ingo; youve got an incomeand you do your best toto, toyou know; not squander it But then; every so oftenyou just get gripped with this sort of: Well you know: what the fuckyou knowjust screw it: dont think about tomorrow. And justjust live for today. And thats when you get fucked over. Because you wake up, and the next morningespecially; when boozeis, is, involved. You knowcause ititityou knowits renowned for, forI think, it sort of brings you quite into the actually present. You knowit doesntyou dont think about theyou dont sort of, abstract into the future. Ju, shhyou know andyou justyou know: spunk all your money away.. So, Ive neverIve never really likedthe idea of working; because it sort of distracted me from what I wanted to do; Which waswell; up to a point: to be a completecomplete consumer of entertainment.But then; when I was about sixteenout of nowhereI needed a birthday present idea; cause you know, I didnt reallythis is the same thingI didnt really know what I wanted; ever. And we were walking past this, thisthis place in Eastbourne; this Cash Converters. Andand this is when I started, sort ofId only just started getting really into music. I was very late at, into music. I mean it must have been about fifteen. And I got into sort of, Punky-Pop-Rock; you know, sort of: The Offspring, Blink-182, Nofx, and all that.andand I remember thinkingI was just, you knowit was near my birthday; I didntmy Mum didnt know what to get me, and I thoughtI walked past the shop, and I thought: Ah!: Get me a guitar. Thatll besomethingI couldI could learn to do that, you know. And and then once, I got thatI realised thatI meanfirst of all I didnt reallyit took me a guitar deal of time, to realise it was out of tune.I, mean; this is how sort of, inept I was at justmost thingsat the time. But when you got it into tuningyou startedrealising: Oh! This is fun. And, andyou know. I can make a little song.and, andfigure out just, little stuff, you know I rememberI remember once when I was inSummerheath Road; which was the house that we lived in before Friday Street. And
151

Summerheath Road was in HailshamI remember once, being very, very impressed. And alsofelt that it sounded quite good; much better than; really; anything else Id done. You know; Id been doingand, you knowplaying or whatever. I remember learning Like a Rolling Stone. Or at least the chorus.andsoft of ushering my Mum in, and made my mu; and PaulId be like: Ooh. Look at this! And they sort of go: Oh. Wow!thats You know, sort ofI assume it, probably sounded shit. Butand they were just being nice, but .Either way. Soso anyway, Id I was in London. And I needed.Now I needed work; not sort of a pocket change sort of a thing. I needed towhich was fine, because I, you knowapart fromI was at the stage there, where I was justlike: Get any job. I dont need that much money it was 466.67; a month. Andplus bills and stuff like that; so I didnt really need that much work, so.. I just sort of when about lookingf, for workAndbefore Id leftFriday Street; before we moved down to London. Idhad a telephone interview for arecruitment agency. Called Hydro, or something like that. And because mybecause Ben is a recruitment consultant, I rung him up; andand he sort of prepped me. Andand, you know the conversation was sort ofand I remember that was the point, when I was likeII sort of pinged him my CV. And he looked at it, and thoughtand he came back to meand he sort of, saidgave me sort of criticisms, and he said: Please. Cause Bens perfcause Benssuch a nice guybut as a recruitment consultant, he has to sort ofsort of; have this sort of, projection of sternsort ofrecruitment guy, you knowno bullshit and stuff. So he sort of, gived me some criticisms; andbut he was, but you knowhed sort of made thehe was like, saying: Oh. Please dont construe this as me being a dick. Which I think hehe; it was probably projectionfrom him, you know. He probably thinks that recruitment people are dicks.Cause I didntI didnt mind; I meanthat was his job. And, and, andand,
152

you know. The fact that he wasIve veryI dont get insulted personally. Icause you knowI argue with people; but I argue in a sort ofacademic wayyou know, Im not arguingIm arguing points; Im not arguing the man, you know. Andand so hed prepped me for somes, s, stuff, andyou knowand, and, and, I wasand heyou know, give me a couple of we disort of, mock interphone interviews.Andyou know, I wasquite good at it. Because naturally Im quite good at, picking up whatlike he was saying: You need topush pointsand stuff like that. And so I was doing that.But, anyway IdIhad the phone interview, with Hydro. And the woman whobecause Id put Siti on, my. My CV had basically had:T.C; Bentham Mills nights; Bentham Mills Devon, andand I put Siti at the top. Because Siti; I had worked seasonally. And it was just more impressive. And shed got confused. And shed thought that was the last place Id worked; and that Id worked there for four years. But, anyway, she sort of went through the interview, andwhilst she wasbasicallyshe was saying, you know: What are your motivations? And II was like: You know, well Im justreally Im just looking for a job. Not really anythingIm notIm, Im quite artsy, and stuff like that. Andshe wentand she was lovely. Because, sheshe could tellyou could tellshe was a recruitmentperson; who, wasyou knowjust tryingthought she found someone quite, good; that she could offer this job: this Hydro company.And she was like: Oh.Thats not really what they wanna hear, in recruitment. Recruitment is basically to do with money. And I was like: Oh! WeI need money, as well. Butyou knowit transpired thatthere was no way I was gonna go into recruitment. BecauseIm completelyits completelyits my antithesis, I guess.And SoSo II gotI went toI, Iyou knowI gave some sort of. I got up every dayyou know, Roman and Sam hadgone to work, and

153

stuff like that; Id hammeredto send these CVs out. Andputting them on, sort ofWebsites and stuff like that. AndI remember there was one job that I really wanted to get. Which was ait wasI think it wasit w, what it turned out to be;They wanted someone to stand outsidethe Sherlock Holmes Museum.AndI very much like that idea of doing that, butI sent a picture in, and it, you knowwas from the New Year; with my flat-cap and stuff like that. And I think they might have thought I was taking the piss; but I wasnt.I justI really wanted theI really wanted the job; I thought it would be hilarious. Because I liked the idea of beingartisticand beingactoryand having a roll; and that would have done that..But anyway. I got thisI got this interview for this charity job; which is great. It wascharity fundraising. For a place called Ears. And it wasit was think South London. The first wasit was South London. So I went to it. went to this.Sorry, it was Brixton. It was a place in Brixton that had just opened. And I thought: Brilliant: Its right up the road. And so I went there. Anddone the interview; and the interview sort of.it wereit was odd. you know they had all these people in there. Andthere was all these sort of exercises; they did. And theyd be like: Were gonna get you up. And gonna get you to debatedifferent types of k. basicallyyou and so they get you in the room. And they introduce you; theyd talk to you..And I remember the guy, the main, the guy who was heading it, wasthis bald guy, who I found, immediately disagreeable. But I sort ofquelled thequelled the impulse to sort of, tell him. CauseI guessed that he was gonna be the one giving me the job. So I I did stuff sort of likeyoud getthey were sort of like: Ok nowwhat were gonna do. Iswere gonna do another exercise here. Andwere going to give you a topic. And theyll be three of you Theyd pick names at, randomly.and therepicktheyd betheyd pick you, andand youand likeask you to argue youryour points, but also listen to each otherand andand stuff like that.and sort of:

154

dontstep on each-others lines. And stuff like that. Essentially an acting.it was like I was in an acting class. Andthe topic I got wasThe Beatlesi thi, yeah.and Id got Lennon. Andand everyone debated, sort ofand so; there was four of us I guess.and theyd all said their stuff. And when it came to me, I wasI was almostit was ridiculous; becauseI d been given thisand, I know thatthe task wasnt to, sort ofto win the argument, butbut I thought, you knowI got Lennon. Its ridiculous, to,to even debate; debate it, really. So I sort oftalked for a few moments about.About Lennon; and about Strawberry Fields. Andand about just, how, howsort ofhow much of a drip McCartney was, and stuff like that.and anyway. Because at that point; I didnt really know what thepoint of the because Id got the job through I had to go to a recruitment; it was like a company in London. In like central Londonand I went in there, and, and; the first thing I realised was, that Londonhasbasicallytheres offices in London thatreally are just for show. Theres like, small groups ofof people; who hire like a little bit of, of an office.and it sort of projects, sort ofsuccess; Doesnt it?! So anyway, thisthis guy basically prepped me for this interview. But I didnt really know what, what, what the interview;I had to do a phone interview, to even get thethe get the;to get into the door.And, you know Im pretty good at;and basically you had to read from aa script.And, you know;the script was sort of like: Oh. Good morningI just wanted to talk to you, for a moment, aboutthe plight of some third world Country or whatever; I saw the script and I was pretty good at reading then. Andyou know. Andso.So I didnt really know what, what the, the interview was sort of, trying to do. And then, right at the endthere was a task, where theydtheyd asked us a question. And then theyd behostile towards us. And they sort of keep coming back at us withthere was a group of about 20 of us in the room.and theyd come back at us, with sort ofit was almost like they were, beingcontrary on purpose, you know.So

155

theyso say theyso say Idso say, just take for example; Id said that Lennon was, was the best Beatle. And then theyd say: Well I dont; I disagree. I think youre wrong. I think youre, youre lying. I think youre and so that sort of stuff. And and theydand No.Scratch that Sorrytheyd given ustasks; saying: what was the most important there was 20 sort of points;what was the most important, pointsfor Ears, as a company. Sort of likeso there was stuff, likeEarsand there wasCharity Fundraisingand, sort ofListen, and all that sort of stuff, sort ofquite differentheterogeneous sort ofbuzz words. And youd sort of had to assess, you had to put them in order of what you thought were of importance. Andand then; at, these these, two; this bald guy, and this lovely woman: Who I had a massive crush on, actually.They sort of gotheyd debtheyd debate, what you did. You know theydand theyd be very veryaggressive.And anyway, mythe person I was with; this girl that I was withshe was, she wasI let her talk; because I didnt want toI didnt want to step on her toes. WhichwhichI dont think was the rightit wasnt the point of the exercise. And sheand sheand this guy kept, sort of hammering at her; at the choices wed madeand, Isort of; this girl sort ofwas getting a bit uncomfortable; and it looked like she was about to cry, so.And I was likeyou knowand I sort of:I lost it. And I was like: You know whatwe all know; were all very well aware of what youre trying to do. Youre trying tothesethese points are equally valid, and what you are doing is you are trying to test how were react to; what I assume would behostile, telephone calls.Andyou knowit allits understandable; but I think you should stop it, because thisthis girl, you knowisyou know; youre gonna make her cry. and I was a bit loud. and had emphasis, in it; and I was probably irked; so it probably came out sounding a bitirritable. Andthe guy was like: Yeahfine. Andand anywaywe leftand I got a phone calla couple of hours later, just saying: Noyou didnt get the job. And so I thought:
156

Ahfuck it. and I was starting to panic; because I knew I needed some money. I had about a month rent saved; but I really did need some money. Andand soso I kept looking again and again. And thenI got offered aa job interview at this charity called Ears.hawhich was the same charity I had just been rejected from; but it was a different store. It as in north LondonHolloway Ro; the Holloway Road, I think.I think thats north London.And soI found myself in an amazing position; where I knewexactly what they wanted from, the interview; and Iand I essentially justI just went there. And contrived to be, the exact opposite of what Id been before. And it, and itand it was surprisingly good. BecauseI got in there and, and I was confident. And I, I was letting; I wasnt lettingbasically the key was to be remember, like memorable. AndIve never that that problem. Ive always had, the problem of trying to quell, and sort of not letting my own personality sort ofoverride other peoples. Because Im aware that Its very rude. And it makes people hostile towards you.But anyway, I sort ofjust let myself; I freed myself of that. And I remember they were really impressed of me. Andand I remember, at the same point; Id just been contacted by a Siti recruitmentguynamed Robert. Who, said that there was a job in Siti. In a Sharesaves, department.which I didnt really know; didnt know what Sharesaves where.Or sh, you know; Shareplans were. Butcause Id worked in Proxies; and I hadnt really paid much attention there. But anywaythe interview was set to beMonday. Andbasicallyat the end of this interview; I went up to these two guys, who had headed it up. And I said: You knowI dont want to be rude or anything. ButI I remember one of them being very impressed with me. The other one was sort of; I thinkdidnt like me forfor probably the s, similar reasons. and I remember I was like: I dont wanna be rude, and stuff. But Ive got this job interview, inthis place called Siti on Monday. And Iandwhat are the chances that I can get; youre gonna offer me this job? And they said: Wellwere gonna offer it you.But you gotta; if you accept itwere gonna start training Monday. Andandso they said:

157

So basically youve got a decision. And I was like: You know whatId like nothing more, reallythan to tell this corporatemachine to fuck off. And come work for your charity organisation. So Iit was agreed. And Monday I did the training.And the trainingsort of, was ok. And you gotyou knowI wasntbecause a lot of it was to do with reading scripts. And I realised it was essentially just athere was so many actors and stuff there. Because, all you did was you read this scriptOn a screen .And you just. You essentially just manipulated, these phone; these people on the phone. Into thinking you were having a conversation with them. But really, you were sort ofmanipulating them, to, toto bleed money off them.So anywayI gotthisWe went through training. And that was all fine; because Im very good at reading, andand stuff like that.Andand it was two or three days, andand, the thing about the training is that you didnt get paid the training unless you stayed there for about; at least three weeks. Andit was like; for the first; if you stayed there for the first week. And thenyou get half the training. And then the second; if you stayed for another three weeks, you get the second half of the training, so. It was all becoming a bit suspicious, like. There was a lot of incentives to stay there: Which iswhen theres incentives to stay at a place, its obviously because that place isnt, particularly nice; or enjoyable. So anywayIdone all the training, andand we got on the phones. And from the moment; from the first moment it was, it was just awful. It wasI was having a real problem with the idea thatfor one. depending on my mood; my mindand I speak, sort of, almost hyperactively. My brai, it sort ofit depends on, onhow my brains working.I canwhen I slow myself, and when Im in the mood; I can read very v e r y s l o w l y.and very, very well, and add emphasis, but moyou know, if Im stressed; or if Ive had a lot of caffeine, I justit ends up coming out like Imlike Im, Im like insane. You know.Becausea lot of it is to do with the fact that I didnt I spent a great deal of time. My Mum, my Mum said thatwhen I was young, when I was a kid; she said I was really, really quite; I didnt say much. And she says that it; at one point it got to the stage where she said
158

it was a bit worrying.AndIve alwaysIve always when Ive not beenwith people, which is often; not really spoke. And, I thinkcause basically, I rememberwhen I was, aboutwhen I was learning to read at school. I remember, it was very hardtoto read in my head. You know, how they teach you to read in your head; I keep telling people thisbut none of them remember. I remember leaning to read in my head. And I remember itit took me a great deal of time; to get the muscles, of my mouth to stop moving. A, which makes me believe thatwith William James, thatreallyyour thought process; at least some of it; at least some part, aspects of it; is literally just youyou speaking, in sotyou know. Butbutlike, theres, theres this thing that they say; that if you; you can measureif you put like, measif you put like aif you can measure, the movement of your muscles when youre thinking, it, you know; its the same as if your reading in your head, or or; or talking. Its just that, the muscles arent moving as much.and I think thats; theres something to that. I guess. And soyou knowI spent a lot of time on you own; and therefor no speaking. And as a result, II thinkI think when you; you think, in your head; what youre doingand, you know I could be wrong; but this is what; Im just, sort ofthis is guess workI think what you do is; you have the ability to; youre brain; doesnt have toit works at a sort of lower level of syntax.if thats the right word.So basically, you dont have tolikeJ, you knowyou knowboil it down to it, you know A.J Ayers: Murder is wrong. Murder bad (Boo! Murder) you know, so you get toits quicker. You, get toyou get to think a lot; you get to, sort of; youre brain operates Cause language is veryimpairing; if you have to communicate it to someone else. Butyoure, youreaware of your own concepts, soso anyway I get to the stagesometimes; where Im justtalking like an insane man.you know; really, really fast andand sort of jumping; and peopleits, become; become very unintelligible. Because people arent used; people arent, arent, aware of of, the processIm going through .
159

And they dont knowthey dont know what Im talking about; they think Im talking nonsense but Im not.At least; I dont think I am. Andbutthe problem is, you know: If you think youre talking sense: and the whole rest of the world is think, thinks youre talking nonsense; youve got to have an immen, amaz, amazing strong sense ofof the, of Will, and that youre right; to not go completely insane you knowyoud assume. So anyway, I wasnt doing very well at this, charity, fundraising thing. And then it*click*all of a sudden, it sort of: I got it.Because, what, whata lot of what they did was they, they sort of; they scared you into thinking that they were gonna fire you, at any point; and I needed the money. And that s what, when I started to panic. But then I started to, slow down, and, and realise thatbasically, that; theyd pretended that is was anything to do withsome people are better than others. And it wasnt; it was an average; it was an average, averages game. Some days youd do shit; some days youd do well. And it was; just depends on who you rang, and; causecause basically everyone knows that; these are like phone chuggers. Everyone, you know. Andand so it, basically. Its was, its was, just a fucking; it was just complete luck.And, I think they were; I think more than anything; they knew that. And they were manipulating these sort of; a lot of them were students. Or just people whoand the stress of the place. People; even the top; people who were likeyou get to put your; your namethey put your name on a board. Any every time youd got some money, youd put it up. And theyd make you hig; theyd make you high-five everyone. And there was athere were basically circular groups of banks everywhere. With computers; and it was very loud, and it; it had thisyou went in there and everyone was wearing their own clothes. And there was a guitarist. And it had this sort of: Oh its very, casual; were very cool; we let you do what you want; But it was all just a faade. . And you had these people on these banks of desks, who were basically just motivating you. And I remember my one had aa stubby thumb. Andhe was nice enough; but that was the first, you know the first I noticed. It looked like itd been cut off or something.And none of them ever had any money. And they all though they were doing, good; doing well. Working for, likethey didnt; they basicallywhat, what theyd seemwhat it appeared to me they did, is that; theydit was a f; it was a fucking scam. It was, it was a waybasically youd go:
160

Look Youd go up to the Red Cross or whatever. And you went. Lookwere gonna do this for you. But if we make a certain amount of money; were gonna get this certain amount of, of youre gonna give us a certain amount of it.You know. So basically, youre like a free-lance; youre almost likeit felt like you were sort of.a spiv; putting on a; sort of a charity shirt; like a Red Cross shirt; and going knocking on peoples doors, and going: Awhit Govnor yeah nah, Im aIma collectin for Red X yeh nah?! And you sort of, swindle these people. And then you give most of it to the Red Cross. And it was sort of like: You knowthese people in Africa need it. But the more I did it; I couldnt.Morally, Im very much for: Youre only responsible for what you can do. You know; youre not responsible for what anyone else can do. And I think thats athats like a truism.. Thats a truism I took from Chomsky. And Im pretty much quoting him verbatim there. And. And I felt that; morally it was unjustifiable. Because I was ringing up these people andand I; and I remember, I remember what really got me once was thethis guy; who hadI think his name was Ben or something (Sam). This guy, who had; he was an actor. This guy who hadhe trained me and; he took me off to one side. And he said: Lookyoure not doing very well here. You havent, made any; any sales .Cause it was a sa, it was a; I was basically in, sales. Im gonna; Listen, listen to it; yourselfon this call. And tell me what, what the problem is. What you think the problem is; I know what the problem is. Tell me what you think the problem is. . And I listened to the call; about a couple of minutes earlier, Id received. Andit was. And it was really quite extraordinary. Because; the call had concerned this, this man whohad basically; the way that you do
161

it; there was three. You ask forbasically depending on, on the person; how much they normally, the were; cause you were ringing up people who were already, paying money. And youre asking them for more money. So I wasnt even; you werent cold calling people. Whichyou werent asking people who hadnt paid: these people had standing orders. Or one of payments and stuff like that.And; Id rung this person and; had gone through the call. And Id asked him once, asked him twice, and I remember the last ask, he; he just went: You know whatIm ever so sorry; I feel dreadfully guilty. But my wifes just died. And until I pay for her headstoneyou know; I cant really afford anything else. And And Iyou know; what can you say to that?! And so I was like: Oh, yeahthank you for your time. .And so h i.e. Samand so he. He said: Well, you knowwhat, what; the problem was, you didnt pushon the third on. Youre not making a demand. Youre not, you knowyoure not giving ayoure not giving ayoure not giving a sort of directive. Youre asking; youre not saying: Thats something you could do; One pound. you know.. Youre making it like: Is that something you can do? Youre being too polite. And thats when I realised that I needed to get out of there. And so. Basically I wentto an interview with Siti. Andmet Tracey and, andKappa. Andand they interviewed me. And I was; you know whatI was nice enough. Because I really; I really needed to get out of, of, of Ears. AndI thought, you know: office work is fine; fuck, fuck trying to work with artists and stuff like that. Cause I thought; more than another; Ears would give me a chance to sort of meet people, and I could stuff with the blog. And I thought: Fuck that! I need to get out of this. This is making me; making me ill. and Id only being doing it for about a week. Andand basically I got a phone call. As soon as I got a phone call saying:

162

Youve offered you the Temp Job. Cause this Shareplans job was a Temp job. II thought: Fucking Excellent! So I immediately went in; and was just like: You know what. I dont find thisthis is, morally unjustifiable. Andand they couldnt really say anything. So theyso they sort of said: Well. Dyou feel like you can work for the rest of the day? I mean, if you dont want to; we can still pay you. AndI was like: NoIm gonna leave. And so I left. And it was And I remember before I; there was a girl, girl called Josie, who worked onshe was this receptionist. And I went; and I said before I left; I was like: So, yesIm leaving. I just want to say, that youre wonderfully pretty. And she was like: AhhThank you! And she was like: Are you leaving forever? And I was like: Alas! And I sort of wandered out; and I feltand it was very, very sunny. And I went straight there; went to Greenwich; and picked up some weed. I went home; and I wroteInterview: The blog entry; which I was very pleased with. Because it sort of summed up sort of; the insane nature of the whole thingand And the thing is, Ears still owe mefora great deal of the work that I actually did.

163

Chapter Thirteen
OkSiti. Siti was.Now Ive got, Ive gotta be very; cause sort; Ive gonna be a vague as possible so as not toinvocate any sort of law suits, shouldLaw suits, you know in correlation withwith success. . So Siti was; essentially, as I knew it; it was a, it was just a grey five story building; in a place on the outskirts of London.Andand yeah of course you know, Id, Id. Id worked there a long timeId Idyou know, my Dad had taken me there. Andheyou know.And first; it was, I connect; with him, andwith it, if that makes sense..Hecause basically him; he myself and Annabeland my brother Digworked there atvarious points. But my Dad worked there from 25 years, previousto him retirement. And heyou know hehehe always hated it; butbut you know, he hated it: Everyone hated work. So I assumed it wasit was just, you know; justor or, you know; people often just say: Ah. You know: its just work; its just a job. So.So I didnt really. You know, so that was that. Now; the first thing I saw, when I, went into my first day of Siti.was was workin, when. When I firststarted there when my Dad wasnt there, and it was just literally just me, going into this place that IdAnd I knew if very well. And I spose that that was something that was quite quite a comfort; the fact that I knew the layout; and I didnt have to go into this place and be like: Awe, God! And it was all new; I wasnt new to me, to me; it was very much Id; in my mind IdId started on the fifth floor; when, I first startedtemping atwhilst at Uni. Then, I believed I moved sort a, you knowdown to the third, and second and stuff. And I knew where the sandwich Lady was, and stuff like that so.so I knew that the layout of the place, which was, was of benefit; an immediate benefit. And as I; when I first went in thereI, I, you know sort of. Because; what had happened; because IdI very much wanted to get out of Ears, as fast as I could. II had to resort towhat I do find, what I do find aan unbelievablepain in the arse: I had to cut my hair and trim my beard.
164

Im naturally, just quite fuzzhirsute. Just cause I, I, I like the look of it;especially on, on film. It looks;it just looks better if theres lots of hair and mess and stuff like that. It looks; its funnier.but I was short I had a sort of standardtightI, I had short hair and, and, andand sort of trimmed; very, very sort of, almost stubble. And Ive got a very young face once you get past all of the, you; hedge back all thesheer back all the, all of the; the hair.you know, so I; I look relatively younger than, you know. Relatively young.And so the first thing II sawwas. So basically I went in there; I waited in the lobby.and. And they said: Yeah, someone will come down an meet you. And And the first, andand that was when I met Harrison.Now; my first impressions of Harrison where; two things: 1) He look a very much like, aa sort of an office workeryou know, in the finance industry. But he lookedhe looked. And also he was just; I remember just thinking: God hes; thats a good looking man! and. And he was my age andI rememberhe asked me if I went to Uni; or something like that.I think. In hindsight I think; Im pretty sure that they make Harrison go down stairs, to pick up people: New people;because hes quite affable. And he was talking about Uni and stuff like that, and I said I went to, to; to, Canterbury. And, and he said: Oh is that good? And I said: Ooh, yeah it was lovely. Cause its a lovely campus. And then I think he said; mention something like: Oh, yeah: campuses, campuses are wonderful. . Andand I I was like: You know, well, you know. Itsits something to do with withgrowing up watching American TV shows. And I remember he laughedvery, sort ofit wasntit were just, it was just a honest laugh. And, and I; it made me feel immediately comfortable. I thought: Ooh. Maybe this is; this wont be too bad. Because sort of

165

. Because coming out of Ears, I just thought; I was veryI approached it with trepidation.and so anyway He took me up to, thesecond floor. The Sharesave;second floor is where Sharesave was. And as we, as we entered the. So we entered;he introduced me to people. And this like bank of, banks of desks, withone two th f; six, six computers on them. And he introduced me toto, it would have beenAsh, andand, Mary J.; and then, and Wii; andTracey; and I dont knowLeah probably wasnt there. And there was Lane andKappa, and; and and Vince, and, and Sean. And I remember when he introduced me tocause the, theres different banks. And you knowon the first one; one the first bank there, there i, there would have beenMary J., na-Ashlie,Harrison;who wasntat his desk his desk to be introduced, to me; because he was introducing me to everyone.And Willis; and Tracey; And Leah who ispart time. They were on the first bank of desks. Then on the second bank of desks there is;there was;Lane KappaVince, andand Sean.And they had a, bank, of four.There desk had a bank offour computers on it. And. And I remember the first thing that they;Harrison introduced me to Lane; and Lane, like bolted up and came, ran around and sort of shook my hand. And Vince immediately said: What you fuckin getting up for? And I just thought that was very, very funny. . And then. And then Harrison introduced me to where I was to sit. . And the first thing, that he said was: This is Reno. And this is Julian. AndJulian was a bear; With an Hawaiian shirt on. Andand, ye and he always says you know, how embarrassed he was about it doing it;but Is just, I; it was commonplace. People, you know; theres weird things you sort of; Im constantly amazed by thethings that happen; just, daily sort of to me: Just the bizarre little things. So, I wasnt toto bothered, about it but anyway. Renowas a sort ofI think she must have been; without wanting to soundsee Im not very good a judging age; but I reckon she was probably about 50(?). Maybe a bit older. Andand on this bank, anyway, there was: Reno; Skeeter who satnext to her; andHani. Andand then he showed me where I was gonna sit. And it was sort of sitting on the;I was on a computer that would ha;
166

was sitting oppose Reno but you sort of connect, and you know theres a sort of, partition. So you dont really;you have to get up to sort of talk to her; really. So, it was just;to begin with it was just me and Hani. Now;Im pretty sure that Hani thought I was an idiot. Or an imbecile.becausebecause basically the, whatthe way that you, Id basically what, what What the job entailed; from my first day.From sort ofwhat youd what I gleaned from the first day was just, basic admin. It was, literally just very, very simplebasicallyonce Id got thecomputer, set up; which was a task in itself.that might have taken a whole day actually. What I was doing was, was inputtinginputting Step 1s and Step 2s.Now that is as, as, as, as clear as Im gonna be, because thats as clear as I; as they would; as Hani was to me you know: Youre gonna be inputting Step 1s and Step 2s And I had no idea what Step 1s and Step 2s were; I didnt really know what shareplans were. You know Id justthe interview; Kappa and Tracey hadTracey was thethe manager of the team. And Kappa was, I think the second sort ofor at least thats what I had assumed she, he was. And the time of the meeting, andand same as meetings; therethe interviews; theyre veryjust nice. Basically the say: We just want to, bring you in and check that youd be suited to the team: Because, some people arent. And I thought that that was a bit weird. Because its, you know; its just an admin job in the end and the end of the day, and. And Id, Id worked there for, four years seasonally. So.you know. And I was, I was, I was relatively smart. Butjustand the interview took about. It must have been about five minutes. So. So I was inputting Step 1s and Step 2s. NowStep 1sand Step 2s; I mean. Essentially what I was doing is; what I was doing is I was. I was following a check list. I was printing out a check list, and I was following it. And I was; basically justand then, Hani would check, my work. Andand it was very, there was; there was a lot of. There was, it was just a bit, odd. She wouldId do something, you know like Id, Id do a batch of these things. And then shed check them, and shed be like: Erm, Michael.This is wrong; this address should be; see, they should besee that, that address has got a space. Its got an extra space; you should have a space there because,.
167

And there was no real reasons for; it was literally just what was done. So, so there was; and I was in, I was in no mood; I wasnt really at that time thinking more than anything, just: Ah! I dont have to be on the phones. This is nice. I get to sort of sit down. And just, let my mind wander. I meanwhat Id, Id.When I got a bit more comfortable, after a couple of weeks, I startedId, Id made up a work document of, blog entries. And I was just editing the blog entries. Because I thought; I had this idea of making a book formy parentsnot that theyd want to read it but, you know just; it was something to do, something you know; kept me active whilst I was. Because the thing about work is:God! Its the whole fucking day! Youyou know, thats the one thing I found. Id been working; when I worked for about, the two weeks or something like that. Justit was so tiring. I meanand you werent doing anything. It wasnt, active; it wasnt engaging stuff. I meanwhen Id at least been pushing trolleys around I couldthink about characters; and work on Busby or something like that.and Busby was a character I did. It was a nationalistic; jingoisticcunt. And at least you could do that. But heretheyd give youwork. And I was very reluctant; I didnt know at the speed, and what speed to do the work. So Id sort of; Id be like: Ive finished. Im done. And theyd be sort of annoyed that theyd have to; that Hani would have to find me more work. And thenI remember at one point. And she was like: Just go see Ashes. Go see what Ashwants you to do. And I went up to Ash, and I sort of like: Erm, Ash. Ive done, all my work; I was wondering if youve got anything else; I dont want to be a bother. I know youprobably busy butI could do with some more work. And she was like: Oh. Dont ever worry abouttheres always work for you. Dont worry about it.

168

And also she liked. Her and Mary J. liked; cause I was helping Mary J. at lot, withSitis ownshareplans administration. And she was like: Oh. Yeah donttheres always work for you, Michael: dont you worry about that. And they were always. There was always quite nice. . And I got the feeling that, they were having all the fun up there. And I wasI was, sort of three fourbanks of desks back. Andsitting next to Hani: who was lovely; but she was. Her, Skeeter and Reno used to talk about stuff and;like TV soaps andjust quite petty stuff. And itit made me verysort of uncomfortable; I wasnt speaking at that point. I wasnt; cause I, I didnt want to get fired; couldnt afford to get fired because now; Id, reallyId started paying rent. Like this wasit wasnt you know; I hadnt. I really need this money, it was getting. Becausegetting it coming through on a weekly basis. And I really really needed the money. AndI didnt want to say anything, that; cause I have a habit of saying stuff that. Basicallyoften I stay stuff and and, and everyone thinks Im really nice. And then Ill say something and it will be in the same vein and then; and people will just go: Oh. God: thats horrible! Or: Ahyou cant say that! Or, or something like that. And itsit becomes very hard to know when to speak. Or when to, whens the right, when the right thought: When youve got the right thought, you know. When,when have I. Is what Im about to say, what you wanna hear.so. So I was basically, I, I, I was very, very; it wasnt shyness; it was fear. It was fear that they, theyd fire me out of; because Id say something that would offend them. Oror theyd say something that was against their sort of beliefs, or anything like that; and I really needed the job; so I was very, very quiet. I mean; I used to be shy. I used to be very, very shy. But I think its the exactly the same thing. Its this: I dont know whether what Im gonna say isorI dont know whether youre gonna like me. Not that Im a not a nice person. But really I dont think I was listening to them. And I was like:

169

I really dont think youre gonna wanna hear what I have to say on the matter, becauseits gonna make you, angry and hostile toward me and I need this job. So So they all thought I was very polite and veryand not; and Im a principally a polite, you know. I am always, very, very polite. Because: its nice, I like; Ive always felt that. I had an UncleI have an uncle; who is a quite hard, man. I mean; or to his own kids hes sort of, quite, you know strict and stuff like that. Hes my Mums eldest brother. And hes very; you know hes very sort of stern with, with people. But he was always so nice to me. And it was almost like itand, and, and my family, my Nanmy dads Mum: My Nanny Mac. ; But he would. My brother and sister say that Im the favourite. And; Im probably, its probably quite true. Because the things is;people just likepeople who dont make them feelyou know stupid. Or feel;Im very honest and I like people, theyre lovely. And, and I think that. And Ive got quite a gental, sort of; I happily talk about most things. And Im, Im really regardless of anything; Annabel always says, you know: You can talk about anything, Michael. Its really quite

You know what, I dont think she actuallyqualified it, butshe said; she sort of laugh to herself like: You can talk about I think we were talking about butter or something like that.. Because I think that thats the thing; its the, talking to people; it doesnt matter what youre talking about. Its about sort of, having conversation.and so that. And so I was polite. And people tend to though to think: Heres this sort ofheres this sort of: super polite, nave, posh twat Or something like that. Which I find very funny; that anyone thinks I am posh; just because Ive got, to the stage now where I can articulate; doesnt mean Im not as common as muck. Im essentially a pikey; and proudly..
170

Andso I was sitting at these bank of desks andpeople where teaching me stuff. But it was; I was very much just in my own head. And it was sort ofmuch like I found with the whole of Siti; ever since I worked there. It was just, its just; eight hours of, in your own head, just get through work and stuff like that. And. And then I; on day I sat next to Skeeter. Who was; she mentioned that she was getting married. Andand I knew her daughter Dee. Fromfrom when I was up in Proxies. Icause she used to, she had been working there for a long time; I really liked Dee; had a crush on her.. And Skeeter mentioned that. And I mentioned that I was looking for full time jobwork. And as soon as Skeeter heard that: Oohoh theres. I think there looking forI think, were looking for full time positions on the team. Ill go and ask Tracey. Andso it transpired that they were looking for asomeone to work for a new;there was a couple of jobs, available. AndandTracey said: Just.Give me your CV. and stuff like that. And fill out thisfill out this form; and, and that. And, I got I got a job interview. And it was with Ash; with Kappa. Andand it was set fora certain time; I cant remember what; when. Andand I remember they had to comewed set it, onyour. Through Outlook used to set sort of meetings, and stuff like that. So I had the meeting at 11o clock or whatever it was; I think it was later. I think it was an afternoon. And I remember that they had to come and get me. Because I was just, I was waiting for them to, to come and get me. And I think they were a bit sort of: Oh. Is this guy an idiot?? And. And I had the meeting. .Now In the second floor there a twoon our. Its a long sort ofroom. Essentially its like a;and there a banks of desks darted everywhere. And it connected by a, sort ofsecurity; securitisedhallway. That, sort of, is tacked onto it. And I am very bad at describing it. Because Im aware that theres time constraints.
171

;and on our end. We were sort of to the left;as you came through theyou came up the stairs. You came through the doors. And then there was the hallway. And then then you could go right; But you go left. And. And then there was thethere was this corridor. And you could go right, to the security doors. And theyd come out on our end. Or youd go left and come out on the stationary end;near another team. Cause, there was lots of different teams. And we were shareplans. And theres discretionary. And there wasSIP. Andyou had, the sort of and other stuff like that, you know. Im very, very bad with sort of technical beings; being that Iit was all nonsense to me. And. And anyway; if you came through the doors through our end; and you went right. There was thethe manager of the whole of the floors;well the whole of the Shareplans. I say, you know Ilets just do it from my, my point of view. The manager of the floor: he would manage the floor, you know. There was his office. And then next to that, there was like a meeting room. And we went into the meeting room and, and Ash sort ofand Kappa were there. And, and, and they interviewed me in sort of standard sort of way. Its like: tell me. Hello Michael. Come in. And I didnt know them really, at all at this point. So it was just: it was standard. It was just like: Tell me about yourself. Tell me what youve been doing. And tell me why you think youd be good for this job. And like, like always. Im justI was quite honest and. Apart from the one thing I did lie about. And I feel guilty about it now, actually. Is; Kappa asked me: Where do you see yourself in five years? And stuff like that. And I, I knew that; I really wanted this job; I needed this job. And so I thought: If I if I pretendif I, Yeah it was something like, Yeah if I pretend that I I wanna be here quite a while; Which at the time I sort of did, but you know; He said: Where do you see yourself in five years? And I was like:
172

PfffI dont know? I dont know; I like the idea of Accountancy (?). Which was just: ridiculous.but anyway I I got. I got through it and. And then I remember, that as; I came back out and then I came back in.Erm no I think; I think what had happened is; this is what happened. .II left. Then, I came; and then Kappa summoned me back in. No! They, they, they took me back into the room. And then they were like: Lookwed like to offer you the job.and its for a, new client thats coming in; and its quite a, its quite a good thing that youd; youre a smart guy; and I think that thisll be very good for you, your career if you. We want you to run with this client. And. And yeah were happy to accept, give, offer you the job. And I was like: Oh. T-that is amazing. Cause, I really Basically theyd hired me on the premise; when Tracey and Kappa had, had brought, hadsort of, interview me. For the premise of; basically they were the in the midst of changingsystems, and theyd had this system thattheyd. Theyd had this system thattheyd been making, that that the team; that Siti had been designing for; for a number of years. And it was coming in. it was being implemented. And shareplans was the first thing, to do it. And they needed people to cross oversort of migrate the data. And stuff like that. Andand they said, so; so it was a rolling; so basically the contract, they didnt know how long the, they would keep me. But, its was about, three months. And I needed l, longer than three months. So, thats why I went for this , just; because it was an actual fixed position. Andthis was for a; you had your own specific client and it was quite a big client. And so I thought: Yeah thats fine. I mean it couldnt be that hard. And anyway, they offered me the job. And so: Congratulations! You know, we do checks and stuff like that. But essentially were offering you the job-position. Andand and what were gonna do is move you

173

because N-Ashlie; the, It was Ashlies client; she said: Im gonna move you. Mary J. is. Mary J. and Ashlie sat opposite one another; on this first bank of desks. And she said: Im gonna move you. Mary J.s moving because shes got a new job: shes heading upSitis administrating; shessort of in, you knowin team. In-house sort of, administrating sort of thing. And she is moving the end of the office.. So Im gonna move you opposite me. And I thought: Ooh! Thats a change! Because to be honest Id got a bit; theyre lovely, but I got a bit.I could do withsitting; I was sort of interested in this Harrison chap. Because I remember he sent a, he sent an email once; aboutabout something or other. And it was quite; and the email was funny. And, I remember a one point, I went up to; or it was written well, and. And I went up to him. And, andbecause I had to hand him some work. And I was like: I like your prose. Which we probably thought was weird, butbut you know. Coming from me; I thought it was a complement.. And I did like them. And I thought he must have done English literature. But you know; he did American Studies;which is probably why we laughed so heartily when I , when I first met him. . Andso they offered me this job. And then Kappa came. Kappa, took me back in the room. And he was like: Look I just wanted to give you somefeedback, on the meeting.the interview. And what Id been doing in the interview is; because I, I have a habit of doodling on pads to help my brain think. You know; and it comes out, weird stuff comes out.while Im; just something to prevent me from, gesticulating too much. Or just: its just; the pad was there. And I just started free associating sort of, just words and stuff like that. And he was like: Nowfirst of all you, you; you come of very scatty in the interview.. And it was very, very distracting. And you were doodling on this pad. And I become; at some points, some points it was very, very, very distracting. And now . And itI thought it was an odd thing to say,. And he was like:
174

Now I dont want you to take this the wrong way. And I; I just said to: Kappa. Theres nothing you can say that will offend me.. Im not like that, you just; I realise that I have to iron out some kinks in my sort of character. But. Dont think thatanything you say is gonna hurt me or wound me or anything like that. And he was like: Oh. Good. Because. You know Im just, Im just trying to help you. And so. And so that was, when Imoved banks. . And learn at bit more about the Client.

175

Chapter Fourteen
Ok . How share plans work. Is, youre given awell basically from my understanding of it. Youre given a a client. So there was, say there was10, 15 people on the team.each member of the team would have;there was an admin, administratorsyou know, deputy. Sorry; administrators then there was team leads. Then there was senior administrators: there was different hierarchies, but anyway;youd often have your own client. People would often have their own clients, and clients varied in size and sort of,and that. And basically what a sharea share save is, or a share plan: It sort of; either/or I guess. Basically when youre; when youre a company, and you haveyou; they offer some sort of; sometimes they offer share incentive or something like that, to, their employees. So say youyou work for. I know: so say you work of sob(be)sot. Andand, and it gets to a level wherethey start trading on the, thestock exchange, or something like that. theres an option to. Basically how it works, isyou, opt to save a certain amount of money; per month; for a period of time. So say three or five years or sort of, possibly seven but. And from that you get reserved a certain amount of shares. So say. So say you, you saved100 a month, and you got say something like 838 shares or something like that, you know; all these numbers are sort of coming out, of thin air. Ive never been good with numbers. So I can really; it was always on the screen so I didnt really have to retain it but, that sounds about right.or 50; yeah so. About 50 and you get 838 shares; reserved at a certain price. Which would be the pr; would be a sort of; depending on; it would be a price, agreed before the invitation period.and. And basically youah! Its all so fucking confusing!. Youd. You get these shares, at a lower rate than, than would be normal. Like would norm, like; basically if the share price was 5 you would; theyd probably design it to give it; theyd grant the shares, or reserve your shares; maybe you know 4.50 or something like that. Now;over the three year period, if you continued to save; at the end of the period you get the chance toto exercise the shares that youve reserved.

176

And you basically; exercise the shares at the4.50; and depending on the price of the market, you get the chance to sell them. So theres a, theres, so you know; if, if it did pretty well. So if you, you reserve the shares;you save 50 for 3 years; the shares were reserved at 4.50, and then the price went up to 10 or something ridiculous like that; you, you know; theyd buy the sharesat the price, at the 4.50 and then sell them at the price of the market. So you, youd make a tidy bit of money. So thats how they worked.. And then there was various, there lots of different other, you know; other things, and. Basically youre only allowed to make a certain amount of missed payments before you, youre options lapsed. And there various, and there were lots of ways that your options lapsed. And, and; like anything. Andand so; basicallythe job of the administrator was to administrate the, the schemes; for the client.. Andthe specific clients you got. And so like some of my;some of the people I, I worked with had a handful of small clients. There was a team that look afteraquite big client. That was. Basically; as well as, you know their own little clients. Lane andVince, and Seanand Kappa looked after a, a quite big client together. They sort ofhelped each other out and, and, and it; and the way that the, it was, was that sometimes there was nothing to do, and sometimes; depending on whether there was a maturity period coming up, or a a, you know an invitation, or you know applications coming through. Sometimes there wasnt, a great deal of work; other times there was justquite a lot of it. So you sort of, portioned it out depending on who had; or you, you know; that was the theory; you portioned it out depending on who had the work. And. Sothe client that I wasemployed; once Id got the job and I wasfully employed. Basically Ash; Id movedId moved onto the first bank of desks with ; Ash was opposite me. Andto my right there wasW-Wii. Willis; and to his right there was, that was Tracey. And then opposite Willis was Harrison. And then to Harrisons left, opposite Tracey, wasLeah. But Leah worked on like Tuesdays and Wednesdays. So she was oftennot there.. And. And so basically, Id been offered this job. AndI had a couple of months before the invitation period for this client. So, basically I was just learning bits and bobs. And essentially I was just helping out. I was just helping out Ash, basically, with; cause.

177

Cause basically Ash had; after a couple of weeks of me being, sitting there, I realised; cause I wasnt on theon the group emails; People were congratulating her for something. And it turned out that shed been; shed been giventhe job of. Essentially shed gotten a managers job; for, for Sharesave. And basicallyshe then; so then it becameTracey and Ashlie: jointmanagers; really. Which I thought was good because, she seemed to like me and, I; I sit opposite her and. And she was; she was a manager and you know it was just. It was best to. You know she was lovely. And, and it was best to sort of, be as close to her as possible. Because she was obviously gonna go quite far. Andalso like I say she was just. She was really, really, really nice.. She reminded me alot, so much; she didnt look anything like her; but she was so much like my sister. And it was very, very comforting because I was, at that point. I mean As soon as wehad moved in; and Roman had signed the documents and then gone off. That was pretty much as much as we saw him. I mean, he was; he was spending a great deal of time with Olivia: like he always had. Hes always spent time, basically ever since hed got a girlfriend; ever since Uni he, he seemed to justspend, you know hed. He was almost like a. I remember when my mate who, when he was 15 or 16 whatever, bought me the Chinese.Jim his name was. I remember when he started getting girlfriends. He just completelyjust, fobbed off his mates. And like; and, and like I say. When I was with K I was the same you know. You just. You get wrapped up in this person but. I think as you, get older and you realise thats not the best thing to doyou And now I have to stop. Because my mothers coming in.and instead of stopping Im going to justcarry on; but Ill have to move out of the room. And Yeah so basically he.He didnt reallyshow any interest in wanting to be at the house. And; whilst youd assume thatthe Im now in the garden. And its very, very cold; and my feet are cold. He was.He wasnt really, interested in; as far as I could tell; he seemed constantly, not; He was, when he was in the house sort of rushing through the house. He wasnt really, paying any attention to anything; and. And. And he just was very vacant all the time. So I was veryand Sam, was. Sam has a very long stream of depression,that sort of permeates him. And its, its; so hell be moping around the house. And hed barely; hes pretty much; hes pretty laconic anyways so, or reticent you know.
178

He doesnt really, say what hes always feeling. And, Im used to being; basically, Im the quite one in the family. Most of my family just wont just stop talking. Andwhilst I find it irritatingI, its; being in this house was, was pretty hard for me, so. Soso being at work; with this person sitting opposite me that looked; happened be a great deal like mymy sister; was, was, was really comforting actually. And soshe, basically and Im back. She basically.Was a manager now, sothat was. So And. So I thought: What perfect person to, to sort of train me up on this, this client. And basically, she had another client. Because: how it worked was that; I started, that was when I started hearing the term At Risk. Now, At Risk is a, sort of; its a big thing in, in Siti. Basically; when a client isnt happy with the way the shareplans; they are being administrated. The; not the client: Siti; put the client At Risk. And that means that, basically certain cares and attentions have to be taken into account; that werent taken into account before. Maybe certain letters and stuff like that will have to be put,double checked or you know just stupid stuff like that reallyThat are just, was quite alien to me. But.So he.So I .So basically I was learning just, just basically what I would have to do for the, this job;sitting opposite Ash. And sort of gettingat that time, no no, at that time I was still very much sort of learning the job. Butevery so often youd hear Willis and, and Harrison talking, and stuff like that. But,I was still very much, you know itit didnt really feel like I was part of the team. And I didnt really feel; that I could. Because basically, I was on Three months probation; which at any point that they could say: Look. Wewere not happy with what youre doing. And were going to, let you go. And I was a bit worried about that. Because I really didnt want to, look for another; now Id found this job. I mean, it was mass; its really quite a massive hassle, itsvery laborious looking for, for work: especially in London. And I didnt want to; and this seemed ok, and I didnt want to go back to doing something that was worse. I mean; cause it was doubtful that I was going to find anything better. Because the problem was: I didnt have anything on my CV: I only had the Bentham Mills jobs. Andespecially when a lot of people; London is
179

so financialised. That, you know. They dont want retail workers or just shelf stackers, you know. No matter how theyre dressed up like you know. Cause, you know. I can talk to you and stuff but, on my CV, its just CVs, they; they dont really. You know they just look through them and see Bentham Mills and think: Ah. Screw that! Im not hiring this guy. And so I was trying to be on my best behaviour. And. And so I was doing an awful lot of work. And, and it was; it was really quite gruelling: On my brain and on my mind. Because, basically it was; you do repetitive tasks. Say likeIdmake. So when a client leaves, when aemployee leaves thethe company. Andand depending on, on how they left; so if they were redundant or. If they were made redundant they were known as Good Leaver; this is also the case if they died. If they died they were a Good Leaver. Which I always thought was a very, very, just: sinister. And if theyresigned, you know: they were a Bad Leaver; and depending on. And a Bad Leaver: youre options lapsed. Good Leaver: you had chance to exercise your options after 6, for 6 months you know..So you still had a chance to make a bit of money. .If not, you know; If you were a Bad Leaver; you just ended up getting your money back. Which isnt a bad thing, I guess. But, depending ondepending on, you know, how you feel about the matter. So ISo I, you know; you do these leaver letters. But you do; every month you get a maintenance file through. And you; so you, maybe youve got, you know; depending on what client; you know, 50, 20, 200: whatever; leaver letters that youve gotta do. Andyou just work through them. And you work through the; everything had a checklist. And so you just work through the checklist. And. And because I was doing lots of work because I didnt want to get fired, and I wanted to impress Ash, who was sitting opposite me; II just.. Your brain just became mush. And. And I remember once. She; I.I had been doing lots of letters for an At Risk client. And. And she was being really lovely to me. She was sort of you know just, having, talking to me and stuff like that. And then .And then she was like: Oh. Michael. Could I have a word with you? And she said:

180

Oh. The meeting room is: being used. So lets just go up the end of the office. And; basically behind me the was a whole load ofof office, that hadnt been used yet. But it was gonna be full of people. And Mary J. was gonna be right at the end of it. But, so at the moment it was just empty. And it was just empty desks. So, we went over there and. And. And we sat down. And I remember. She basically; because Ashs quite; the way it worked is. I found out that she, she started. She was from up north. And she started. She was from; she was a bru, from Birmingham.. And she startedin a factory; and she had little jobs. And then started in the call centre in Siti and then she made her way up. So she was progressing; and it was, it was. It was really good to hear causeyou know I like when people do that. And Im much; Im quite class conscious. And Im very for theworking class.very for them. . And. So she, so she; we went to the end of this office. And she, she went; and I remember her sort of whole demeanour changed. And it: it was very disconcerting. And she was, and she said: Because shed been checking all my work. So basically; an administrator does the work; and then the, theperson higher up; sort of theTeam Lead or the; they changed it to Team Lead. I think it used to be Senior Administrator: I find itsort of; appellations I find very funny.. And. So shed been checking my work. And she must have found a couple of mistakes, and she was just like; and her, you know she looked at me, and her whole demeanour changed. And she was like: Nowtheres been a number of mistakes. And Im, Im concerned. She said: Im concerned. And, it was really ominous. You know, it was like: Oh f-God! What does that mean?! You know. Sounds like: Im concerned. About thisthis spot on youron your scan. Or .On yourX-ray.

181

You know, its like: Oh God! What is it?! . And she said: you know And I cant remember what else she said because you know; after that Often; Cause it was such a shock to me. And often you forget after the; all the specifics of it. Because just the initial shock of just: Oh my god! Am I in trouble?? I thought, Ive been working my balls off. And. And II said: Well. You know, is it? Dyou, Dyou judge in correlation to, to how much; how many Leaver Letters you do? And she was like: Sorry. Er. I dont understand. And I was like: Well. All right: if I do2 Leaver Letters and I get 1 wrong: thats a 50% error rating. But if I do 100 Leaver Letters and I get 3 wrong. Whilst Ive done 3 wrong letters; the error rates far lower. And she was like: Im justIm just concerned. And, and, you know. And I remember the sort of, the implication that you know. Sort of still on probation; and, and this client was a risk. And, and, and, the client that Id been hired toadministrate was an important client. And, and just: She was just concerned. So I remember going back towork. And not saying anything the rest of the day: Because I was just so angry. I was just; and often, when I get; when I get angry. And I cant express it. It becomes unbearable. And. And whilst; and it just interner: I internalised it all. And I mean literarily. I have a monologue of justvitriol against everything and everyone. And it becomes; it starts off with the. You know with: I cant believeyoure having a go at me after Im doing all these letters for you! These are, this is your client! This isnt my client. Ive only just started. And then it becomes bigger. And it becomes sort of almost sort of: AND THIS IS ENDEMIC OF THIS DIGUSTING CULTURE!! And all that sort of stuff

182

Just because, obviously Id: shes just upset me probably. Shed just: Im just trying to, to prove myself to her. And she, she sort ofrebuked me, for, for; it was like she didnt. You never got; up to that point; you never gotappreciated. You got, sort of, reprimanded; for things you didnt do. As opposed to; appreciated for things you did do.. Andand yeah so that was. And it was pretty; and what, was really peculiar about it was. That, the faade that shed put up. When she was; cause obviouslythinking back. She had to. Because she was now a manager; she had to do managerial things. Which whereyou know, confrontation and, and sort of; pulling people up on what they thought, she thought waswas sloppiness or, something of the sort. And. And I just remember it was very sort of. It made; it was; it was you know it was. Id been reading Kafka and stuff like that, and it was. You know, it wassomething very sinister about this. And when we went back to the desks; it was as if nothing had happened. But you; but everyone knows, that when you get taken aside, youre getting; youre getting sort of, your knuckles sort of; youre getting you know. Youre getting in trouble..And its just odd. And Im very open, Im very for openness and; even to the stage of like talking about what my bodies doing. Talking about sort of how Iphysically feel towards things..And .Because I feel thatgrowing, listening toBertrand Russell speak and stuff like that, is just. He said once that; theres a very good story. And he was like. They were talking aboutsmoking. Andhe was like: Well. You know.. Smoking saved my life once. I wasgoing on a; I was travelling on an aeroplane. And. And I said to the person seating me: If I cant smoke; I shall die. So theyput him in the, in the, I believe, the front of the plane. . And. And, the plane crashed. And the, and all the people in the nonsmoking section were drowned. . And. Ive always thought that was such a good story, in itself. .But; as being a smoker, Its is a very good thing that you can pull out;. But. But basically a reported had rung him up after, after he had, after he had got back. And they said. And basically what had happened is he had had to swim to, to shore. Or he had to swim to wherever. And they were saying: Well. You know. What; as you were swimming, did anything, any sort of philosophic things go through you head?
183

And, and. Russell responded; curtly: No! I thought that the water was cold! . Which is exactly the way that you should react to things: Because. I mean: the way that you should recall the experience if it is the case. You know theres no point in saying: Oh yes. II was thinking about the nature of the Universe. And, and, and stuff like that. If you were; thats fine. And its you know a great story if you were. If you were immersed in this water, and you managed to be; muster the sort ofabstraction to think about; to forget you, the fact that youre in cold water. Or the fact that you near almost died. Or the fact that, you know: youre luggage, you know; your luggage is down there at the bottom of the, of the deep with tones of corpses. You know .And Im very much for that: For expressing yourself openly. Because if you dont do that. You know: what are we. Why be with anyone. You know; if youre gonna be. If youre not gonna be yourself, when youre around other people.. And youre only yourself when youre on your own. Thendont, dont go, dont be around people. But I guess you know, people dont have that choice. So.So anyway The client.The client was big. And. As with.As with Siti; theres no point into going into specifics. Because: Because the clients big. And they.You know, theyre not. They dont play nice. So.So Ill just go off; Ill just call it The Client. Or The Company: you know like. Like in the scheme rules, it was like: So and So and So: you knowafter this regarded as The Company. Or you know. Something like that. So The Company or The Client were big. AndSiti wanted the, the; Wanted to keep them sweet. Because, you could see that if they did this job right; it was almost like a; if they did this job right, then they might get more work from them. Because; outsourcing works. Basically Siti was; it did a number of things. Basically, it goes. Outsourcing works like this: It goes to aa company. And ititll say: Oh. Who does yourSharesave? Or Who does your cleaning? Stuff like that. And theyll say:

184

Oh. We do ours in, in-house. Andthis is how much it costs. And then And then Siti say: Wellwell do it for cheaper. And And then And then I guess its just about how they. And then the clever thing is how they manage to make profit off of this. Because. Youre doing a service for a reduced price. And you have to claw back some money somehow. Andand as I; the more I spent time working there. And I worked there for a, a year. It was a whole year; pretty much. You started seeing; you found out what a spectacular business model it was. But also what, utterly reprehensible It was such a brilliant business model: but it was also just, very, very shady.

185

Chapter Fifteen
Ok, the first thing I remember is, waking up in somebody elses shed. Wed. Basically; Id. Id avoided sort ofsocialising with a lot of people. And, and also I was generally quite shy. Because as I say, I was quite fearful that if anyone sort of got to know me, theyd; that it wouldnt bode well for sort of, passing my probation of whatever. And so I was just sort of keeping myself to myself; and being genuinely nice..And Id.And Id taken toto making; basically when I wassitting next to Hani Basically the way it works is, theres this; people are very reluctant to actually make drinks in the office. And this isnt just on ouron Shareplans, but just anywhere. Its a massive hassle. It seems to be one of the biggest hassles that you can perform.Thenwhen I realised that; I. I thought: Ooh. Thats a good way to sort of make; get myself in with a lot of people.Ill make them all drinks. So I, you know. I was making drinks for everyone. And, and so basically; thats all the really knew of me; people knew of me for, up to that point. Just, like: Oh, its Michael. The nice guy who makes everyone drinks all the time. And also it meant that I could get a lot of drinks. Cause I was; Ive got a very addictive personality. And I was, I was getting throughabout ten cups of tea a day:maybe more; maybe less..And. And so thats all that people knew of me. And basically; what had happened is. Wed, all decided to go out for a teamnight out. And, they were; they were purported to bejust absolute carnage. And so I was quite excited. Just becauseI; since Id got down I hadnt been out much: Or you know; I didnt really enjoy it that much. ButI mean. Ok Basically, thethe first, the first time we, I went out with anyone. I went outwithHarrison and Vince. And we went and watched the England, an England game;at a pub.. Andand that was; you know

186

I, I stayed for a couple of pints. But then I, then I went off to to see Liz. Because we had, we he had started seei, well we hadnt started seeing each other; I dont think shed have liked to call it that. But you know, I definitely was looking at her.. And so that was the first time. And. And then the second time we went out. Basically Id; wed just been paid. Andand I was really sort ofNo. Basically, we went out for a team curry. And it was on a Tuesday. And. And it was. It was me, Harrison, Ash; I think Jon, Renee: Jon and Renee; basically. Jon and Renee, and Gwen and Anna would have been sitting behind me: On this bank of desks. Basically what had happened is. They used to sit, like a; they were basically in betweenSean, Vince, Lane and, and Kappa; and Me, Hani, Skeeter, and Reno. There was this whole bank that Id missed out when; initially;just explain, just describing the place. Just because, theyd moved; my brain didnt sort of register it: because theyd; to me they were behind me and I must have missed the off, or something like that. .But. They were. It was Jon, Renee; EvanEvan, and Gwen. Now Evan had got a jobat someother Shareplans place. And shed left. Basically, they; but there team had been moved up tothe first free bank of desks behind me. So.So they were; essentially you could turn around, you could swivel around in your chair, and theyd, theyd be there. AndRenee, Jon, Harrison, Vince; Toph who worked on a different team but used to work with them, I believe Lane and s-Sean: we all, we all went for a curry. And. And Id taken to befriending Sean; we sort of, he drove me to the curry-house. And he was very very: he was very sensitive.And. And. Hed just hadtwins. And. And he was, he was lovely. And we talked about books and stuff like that; one of the first thingsI remember about Sean is that; He. I was sitting at my desk and, and he sort of came up to me and was like: Oh. Is that Voltaire? And; Cause I was re-reading Candide. And I was like: Oh. Yeah. Hes like:
187

Oh. Are you a student? And I was like: No, no.no So he was like: So youre just reading that f, for fun? And I was like: Yep. Yeah. And he was like: . Youre intimidating. And II always thought it was, a sort of a compliment So. . But he was lovely, and. And. He; he, he played drums and.. And. And he just; the more I got to know him, the more I really, really had an affinity with him. But anyway; wedhed drove us to this curry house. Andweve have, we had a couple of; and Tracey was there as well. Tracey had come for, for.Tracey had come for the, for the: for the meal. And. Basically we went to a pub beforehand to; just round the corner. Andwe had a couple of pints. And. And by this point Id, really; cause Id really; from the age of sort of15, to; toyou know, when Id left Uni: so 20-; even you know up, up until about 23 or something. Id, Id been a pretty, you know; heavy drinker. Id; like, daily. Like; used to come back fromEastbourne,; used to come back from, from T.C, like; working. And just, just drink Buds, just, until I went to sleep. And just; pretty constant. Cause, as I say: I have an addictive personality. So I.But since Idgone to Devon and, and sort of. And, started smoking weed.And then stopped, but you know. Id basically, if I; if I was gonna do anything: I was gonna be smoking weed: I was really gonna be drinking. Because, I just; I didnt like the way it made me. It sort of makes you, listless. Or, or; it makes my brain not work the way that I want it to work, you know. I can, sit down and watch telly. I can watch telly, and; and endless shit like that: But; cant really do any of my own thinking. Its. Its quite an interesting drug if you think about it.. You know. That fact that its got a grip on so many people is; its quite; its quite: Worrying.. So I hadnt really. My tolerance, for alcohol was really quite low, and. And I was a lot thinner and; basically since Id moved down to London, I
188

hadnt been eating anything. Because, you have to basically force; its not through, it; I dont. Its not throughanything other than: 1) I forget to eat because I am doing stuff. LikeIll be writing or, or something like that. And also, you know;tobacco supresses your appetite anyway. And. And also: I dont; whilst I get enjoyment out of food; I dont: I cant get over the fact that its essentially justsustenance; You know. And so when I have to pay for it myself; and Ive got a limited budget; I tend to just, really just get the, the limitthe; get, get enough to sort of get throughwhatever day, or anything. And so.Which is fine but if you dont eat a lot and you start drinking, thats when the problem is. And alsoif you had a; I think that; if you. I think that my brain had been active the whole dayat work. So when you go out after work, and you drink; it sort of affects you in a different way than if you, you know approach it; and plus youre getting up early and stuff like that. But anyway .We.We got to the curry house. And we started drinking. Andand that was fine. And then we went for the curry. Sorry; we went for the curry. And we; andI was sitting next to Sean; opposite Sean and so we were just chatting about stuff. And. And then Renee came over and she started sort of; wanted to get to know me. And shed drunk a bit of wine. And you could tell that she was a massive flirt. And I always liked that. Because, you know she seemed a bit nice and. Its always nice to be flirted with. Or at; whatever.. And. And I remember pulling out a sort of Busby sort of, cockney drawl for one thing: which everyone found hilarious. .And I And Lane was sitting next to me. And we were sort of getting on. And I was getting a bit pissed; and I didnt eat anything. Because as soon as I start eatingsoon as I started drinking I just dont want to eat, you know. I just get enjoyment; I enjoy the, the experience of, of drinking. I like the, I like theI just like it: Once again, probably because Im just a, have an addictive personality. And once I start on one track, train of; once I sort of start on one track, I just go to the end of it. To its like logical conclusion, so. So anyway I; so after the m, that we went back to the; went back to thethe pub. Just forlike a couple of more drinks. And we; there were shots being c; shotsflying around. You know, sort of being bought by people..And thenI just dont, and then .Nothing.
189

Then; I dont remember anything. UntilIn fact; basically I remember .Just walking. Justwalking; and I remember. You know, initially I remember sort of; cause obviously you fill in the gaps. But, I remember: actually as the; in the, in the night. I remember walking. I remember having a limp. And I rememberjust seeing a lot of sort of: I had no idea where I was. I was just sort of stumbling. Just walking; just trying to find, best; find my way home. And. And. And basically, I got home. And I cant; there was lots of different, sort of fractured images and stuff like that. But theres no point in sort of, trying to conjure them up now; time constraints and all. And then I remember ; Getting home and going to sleep. And then getting, and, and being completely; still completely sort ofshit-faced. Andsort of, getting my clothes on, and going to work. And I realised Id sprained my ankle. In quite a big way.. And.And I got. And I got to work. And.And.And I think Harrison; Harrison must have sort of said something like: Oh, my God, I cant believe youre here! .And. And I was like: Oh yeah; Im here. I cant remember what happened though. .Because this is a usual occurrence for me. I mean: I get absolutely blind drunk, and I mean blind drunk; or, you know, memory blind..Just like blocks of it just gone. And I know a lot of people say it to. To sort ofto pretend. Often people pretend that they dont remember because it makes it a lot easier. And maybe my brains doing that; I dont know; I dont think its the case. I think that, when you get that drunk you get to a stage where youre not really retaining, youre surroundings. Or; theres no; youve very, you know. Im very much in my own head; as it is you know. So I think that when you get that drunk you just dont; the external environment isnt registering; dont sort of, doesnt make aan impression on you.: Or something of the sort. And basically Harrison told me what had happened. And, you know, he told the whole team.. Which is good because I do like a good story.. And he basically said that Hed gone home. And then hed got a phone call from Renee. And Renee had said:

190

Look Cause Renee had said that I could stay at her house, I think. Thats what she said to, to the people. And; later on shed mentioned that I was trying to sort of get with her, and stuff like that; on the way home. Because she was probably sort of flirting. And I probably assumed that, you know: if you flirt with someone, you want to have sex with them. And thats fine. Im happy with that. But I cant imagine me being very attractive at that point.. And Harrison said he got a phone call from Renee. And she said, he said: You have, Im putting Michael in a cab. You have, he has to stay at yours: he cant stay here anymore! And it had turned out that Id. Renee had; Renee lives with her Mum. And Id. Shed given me her bedroom to sleep in; while she was gonna sleep on the couch. And I must have gotten up to go to the toilet. And Id gone into the wrong room. AndId basically woken up her mother. Who; who I think got very angry; or very scared. Becausewhen some, you know some guy, drunken sort of; Im not small: Im quite, very lean, but Im quite tall; sort of someweirdo; completelycompletely drunk; comes in and sort of stumbles in: you assume youre probably gonna get raped. Or, or, or at least sort of, you know; at least your annoyed by the imposition of it all. So anyway.I had to go. So I got bundled in a cab and, and. And then.Basically; I vaguely remember being at Harrisons. Like I rem, as soon as he said something like this I sort of, it j, it rem, it reminded me, of the fact that: I was in a kitchen. And Harrison was shirtless and just sort of in boxers. And I remember being quite scared. Because I couldnt remember how I got there. And. And. And I think I remember at one point, I m, I might have literally passed out: mid; sort of, I was sort of teetering on the edge. And I think I might have passed out against a cupboard of something. But anyway And I remember Jonesy: whos his. Jonesy, who is Harrisons housemate, said something to me. And it was quite sarcastic. And because I was drunk; and probably super sensitive; I remember just immediately being like: oh. No. I need to get out of here. This is a. The way that they were; I couldnt; I didnt really remember. I was basic; I was really impaired. I was really, like my brain was working: it was it was struggling to sort of. My consciousness was struggling to sort of, get a
191

hold of how much Alcohol Id got in my system. And I remember: these guys werent helping anything. Cause they were being sort of sneery. And I thought: Oh. God I dont need this.. And so.Basically Harrison said he had set me up a bed. And it was all, and I was all set to, to lie on the floor and go to bed. And then, all of a sudden, I bolted out the door. Screaming: RAPE!!! . And. And then he sort of chased after me. And he said I stopped for a minute. And then I just. Sort of.stuck my two fingers, you know both, you know like a V.. I like: to give it the Aristotelian V. So I gave a couple of Aristotelian Vs to, to Harrison: And then ran away. And he ran after me; but couldnt find me. And. And he basically said; he went in, went into a. Some girls basically; He was walking down the street, shirtless and stuff like that. And hes got quite a good physic and stuff.. And. And he was in boxers. And sort of, some girls were sort of, went: Way-ay!! Or something like that. And he said: Oh. Have you seen any.Have you seen a sort of very drunk person in a white shirtand a, a thinyou know in a white shirt and thin tie? And they were like: Oh yeah! Hes just gone into Tesco. Hes the drunkest person Ive ever seen. He was taking photos of us. And.And I remember sort of; people were just very, very shocked. Because they; I was this little, I was this polite guy that used to get drinks, and. And they were sort of. I dont know, I mean. I always think when you hear something like that: some, some people are gonna be like: Oh God: Its disgusting! Or

192

Ah, Yeah. Hes aHes a I mean most of them are just like: Oh. Thats a good story. . You know. It makes the day a bit more interesting..And I remember Harrison was just. I apologised to him, but he was like: Mate.It was. And I remember Jon; he said that Jonesy had tweeted a message that said Just seen, seen the drunkest man alive run out of my door. Mike: come back anytime. . So.So you know like. And, and I dont get embarrassed about that sort of stuff. Cause you can justify it. Alcohol; you know, alcohol is: it changes you. I mean. I mean, I guess. Ive, Ive never tried anything but weed and, and alcohol. Cause Ive realised that you can get pretty fucked up with just them.. And. And whilst, you know; and weed must change, change your thoughts and stuff like that. But you know people dont; alcohol does in exactly the same way. It makes you numb to sort of. It makes you hardened to emotions. Its; Im starting to believe that its, its a very bad drug. Like, just real.And the fact that its; especially in this country; it sort of: permeates the culture. And everyone; everyone just gets absolutely shit-faced. And. And you get that sort of: Ah when you get drunk its; Ah. Youre real nature comes out! And, I tend to feel the same about. You know when people say: Oh. You know The sort of stuff when: Ah. If you getyou know. If you were on an island and we had to, it was Survival of the Fittest. Or you know, or you know: We had to fend for ourselves, like Lord of the Flies. Thats when you realise what the, true Human Nature is. I just think thats; both of them; are just ridiculous: Ridiculous arguments. Because. The, the, youre, youre. Youre pretty much affecting someone; its almo, behaviourally. You sort of; putting these conditions in, behaviourally onto someone. And its gonna change their nature. And I, I use nature in a very rough term. Because. You know, like Chomsky like says, you know:
193

You assume humans have a nature. By that; you that; you know. That they dont turn into sort of like a, a bumble-bee. Or something like that.. No. Or, sort of you know. From an egg; they dont turn into something else. Because theres a nature that we sort of But. But using nature in a sort of: Oh. Thats what people are like; at the bottom of it. Its very.Its veryReductionist. Isnt it?! . Its, its not really. Its not really sensible. Theres too, theres too many,myriadcomplexities that you have to take into account with humans: Especially when, youre making such shamefully bold assertions. Which I sort of forgo; because its much easier and much more, its much; you get a relief when you realise you dont have to answer all these silly questions that; you know. People spend years of their lives just. Or they; people spend their entire lives doing that sort of stuff. And they dont come out, with anything, partic; or you know they come out with stuff, and people are like: Yeah, thats a good idea. And then in like 50 years its completely refuted..Which is hilarious .: its a waste of human life; I suppose people dont think it is. But I tend to sort of think, theres better things that you can do: Maybe you can make; maybe you be nicer to people; or maybe you knowcloth, cloth some homeless, people or something like that. . But you know: thats just me. And so.This sort of a; and this became a regular occurrence. I mean. I went out. I mean: poor Anna.. Anna was alovely; shes absolutely lovely! Shes so pretty and. She wasa, a graduate student. Who had to; basically they had to jump around on different teams. She spent like 6 months on certain teams. And. And shed moved toanother team. Andno, no.. She had. I think she hadyeah!. She had moved to another team. And. She had been with us for a while. And. And I saw her once when I went out drinking. This was. I think this wasprobably afterwards.. Or it might have been before. I cant remember.. Anyway I got absolutely blind drunk. And I came in the next.I think it was a Friday; and I came in on the Monday; shed been out to this place. Basically; me and Harrison and Vince had gone for a couple of pints. And
194

then; theyd gone off. And Id sort of wandered on. Because Id seen some people I knew when I was working in Proxies. AndI got: Desperados or Desperadoes. Whatever the fuck theyre called?! .Genius drink. But, you know; they fuck me over no end. .And Id. Id came in the, the day, the w; the Monday after. And shed. She told me that Id. I come up to her, and, and said: Come back to mine. I wanna stick my th, finger up your bum. .And she was like: Well nah, Cause she doesnt drink so; which is the hilarious thing. So, I dont feel that; I think she was completely straight; I think she would have realised I was a complete mess..And it was from; affectionate. And; I know that people will tend to think: Ewwthats disgusting! Youre horrible. But. You know. IfI wouldnt have done; and also a lot of; a lot of times when I get drunk, I tend to. Problem is: I tend to go into character a lot. I just; thats the only way that I can enjoy it. Because I dont really enjoy peoples company after a certain point; because they become very, sort of; it becomes sort of, sort of sleazy and, and sort of, the way that. Because there all aff; see basically. Whenever you get; you are the most drunk person. People tend to forget that they were drunk as well. So theyre like: Ah. You were so drunk. We were all laughing at how drunk you were. But.Which is very, very dangerous. Because when you get someone at that level; I think that people at that level of drunkness, pretty much revert back to a sort of state of being like a sort of infant. And. And if you, if you react the wrong way to an infant. Or you do something thats gonna make them angry. They can retaliate. They can get really, really angry. And. Thats why I dont like getting drunk, that drunk. Because, I dont trust people not to do something that will make me lose it. And thats when you get in trouble. I mean; as it is, all I do is sort of just, try and get with girls. Like.Anna said that: But it was fine Cause once she said: ButIm sober. And Ive got a boyfriend. I just went:
195

Oh. And walked off. But you know. There was. There was. There was a girl. A girl called Ari. WhoI really like. .And she was there. And she was being really patronising, I think..And I said that Id push her in the, I threatened to punch her in the face..But. I only say that stuff to get a react, or, or. Basically when you say: Ill, Ill punch you in the face. People tend to sort of get scared. And not do anything. Not; its just a way to manipulate them into, leaving me alone I guess. But. The problem is, whenever youre the most drunk; People tend to think that themselves are not drunk. And, and. They is why Im very, very, fearful of sort of, the state of everything. Because. You get all these people. Like there was a.In Eastbourne there was this club. And it had just come under new management. And. There was some kids in there. And one kidgot into a fight with another kid: And punched him; and killed him. And that kid went to prison. And they were all; and they were all of them just completely drunk, and. And. And whilst, this kid died; and everyone was like: Good! This guy should be You know, people tend to sort of think: Ah. That guy should; they should kil; ah. They should hang him up. They should kill him. Its; Im Im equally sort of. Not even equally sorry. Im. Basically, if youre dead: theres no guilt; theres no. Theres nothing. You cease to exist. You know, theres nothing. I tend, I; if youre dead I dont tend to feel that much sympathy for you, because you; you cant or empathy, you know: Because you cantreceive it. Because you no longer, you know, sentient. Youre just. Youre dead. Youre not there. Youre no longer; cease to be a factor. .But this; this poor kid who; I dont know. Maybe he was a wanker; maybe he was, having a shit day; maybe he was just defending his mate; maybe he washad a bad upbringing; maybe he wasyou know abused. Or maybe he was just an absolute cunt. But. He..You know; he had to sober up and then think:
196

Fucking hell! Ive killed a man. You know, and.. And thats why I think its quite damaging. This Its just because: At the bottom of it. When you get back to being who you are; youyou have to You have to live with.Basically the actions of, of really, someone else.

197

Chapter Sixteen
Now;the thing is. When youve spend a great deal of timein, in solitary; or seclusion. And you, and you enter a place that is, just, teeming with people.Fucking Hell!. As soon as I got down to London, I couldnt. It really, it really was affecting me, like.. Like: viscerally. The sort of, my body was just: Oh my god: All this stuff, all these people; all this noise. It was really sort of; it was quite. I was almost manically energy energetic. And. And also like, I was excited. So.I mean, first of all; when I got there, I didnt have a job, so I was very much. And I was used to doing things every day. Like, Id be doing; before I moved down there Id been doing, Id been getting up and Id been doing blogs; every day, and, andbeen busy. And. And every time Id come down to see them; and I know this is sort of nave or almost, delusional. But, wed always been doing stuff, so; when I got down there I assumed, every night thered be stuff that was happening.. But. But, but Roman was sort of doing his own thing; and Sam didnt really do much. I wasnt really sort of; hes never really sort of go, go out and sort of socialise and stuff like that. And, I mean I havent up to a point but, Id just moved down. And; and I really wanted to, to sort of go out and meet people. Because I needed people to; I needed to make friends and stuff that I wanted to use in the blog. I think that, basicallyI wanted to do that, basically. I wanted to (see you later, love you!).I wanted tomeet people so theyd, theyd; wed sort of collaborate. And stuff like that..And the.But I didnt know anyone. And I didnt have any sort of; unless I went out on my own. Which I; you know I didnt mind the idea of it. But; but basically. But then I realised, you know. I had the sort; the sort of initial sort of mania, that really was; had gripped me; it sort of calmed down. And I realised that, you know. All these people had been working all day. You know. So.And once Id started working myself, I realised that thats the reason that theyd: you know it was just exhausting, to do it. And. So I.And basically; so when I.And so when I got the job at Siti.. That all sort of calmed down a bit. And.And I sort of; got more in
198

tuned with everyone else: Sort of 9 to 5 work and stuff. And so: there was the weekend. And stuff like that. And basically because Id.. Because doing all this, writing and, and, and basically creativity; opens yourself, opens your sort of mind up to sort of, a lot more: youre a lot freer, than, than you. You know, theres a freedom in it. Theres. And. And when you get drunk and stuff like that. Thats when, you get a bit, mischievous. And sort of impish.. And basically; I remember. The first time .Wed gone out to. Wed met Morgan: me and Roman had met Morgan. And. And I was in. I was in work clobber.. And wed gone to a place, in in central. Might have been Tottenham Court Road, or something like that. And. And Im. And I was standing there in a bar. In a, just; just you know: just drinking; as, as normal, and. And a couple of girls.Like looked over, like; they were sort of gawking at me. Which is a bit weird; because Ive never really had that.. And it was obviously because I was; had short hair and I looked like a City boy: which is completely ridiculous.And Roman was like: Oh, God, you know. You should talk to them. . But, they were, they looked about 17. It was rid; it was almost: it was all wrong; It completely wrong.. No one seemed to care about that, that aspect of It...And Hab, you know. Thats the other thing about Hab. Theres only. He keeps repeating the same sort of things to me. Like.. Like hell make stock sort of, almost patronising things like. Later on, you know; was: Oh. Cmon. Ohyou know. But, youre a good looking lad. Or, you know; literally like hes your Nan, or your Aunty or something.. Like really patronising.. And. One of the things was he said: You remember that time that we went to the pub, and them girls were looking at you?! As a reason for you know I, that I; I wasnt ugly or anything like that, and, and. Because, I think he thinks that. Hes very simple. His, his view I think is that like: if you dont socialise with people; it has nothing to do with anything but the fact that youre shy, or youre, you have low self-esteem; or youre depressed or something like that; Which really isnt the case: I mean; I wasnt socialising withHim and everyone else in the end, because just Id; Id realised that they werent, bearable, to be honest.. But anyway.

199

At the end of this night, wed. Wed; got on the underground and we were heading back to Brixton. So that wed get the trainbus back up to Streatham, and. And. And I was feeling a bit; I was drunk. And I was feeling sort of; and Id seen Shame, recently. And I liked this idea of. Of, you know: underground meetings. And stuff like that. And. So I was always on the look-out; whenever I got drunk I was always on the lock-out for sort of. Basically; the underground is mostly full of completely; people who are completelydisconnected from their environment; And completely unaware of really their surroundings: But every so often you get a glimpse of someone thats actually present. And. Id looked over to; I was sitting down, and I looked over to my right. And there was a, there was a sort of short girl.woman. Who looked: she had a pretty little face. And. And she was smiling. She was laughing, I think. I must have been making her laugh. And. And as I sort of locked her gaze, and sort of; and she sort of tried to look away. But I woul, I was sort oftrying to engage her. And then, she got off; and we both got off at Brixton. She went up the stairs and. And she sort of kept looking back, and. And I sort of: I basically engaged her. And. She was giggling and she was like: This is so weird. And I was like: Don; well whys it weird? Just you know, just to people meeting. . And. And then Id. And then I was like. I kissed her. And she was a bit drunk. And. And the Roman and; I think Roman, Sam and Morgan were there. Yeah I think so. No wait! You know what. I think this was the night that. Pete had. No it wasnt! No it was Streatham. .Yeah Sam and. Morgan was coming back to smoke with me and Sam. And. And maybe Ben was there as well; and Roman. And Olivia was there as well.. So wed gone out somewhere.. And. And they were like: Mike. Cmon. Lets go! And I was like: Go away! Im busy; go away. Ill, Ill meet you at home. And. I met. I took.Basically this girl took me out; cause I was broke; so we when to Brixton to to a pub. Andwe had a drink. And. And I; I think I had some Vodka. I mean I l, I love Vodka: Neat Vodka. Its. When I was, inworking nights and stuff like that I, I wanted to learn how to, to drink neat vodka.
200

Because I thought it was good, handy to, to do. Cause as first it was very, very hard to endure. But, neat Vodka and ice and lime, is just now my, stock, favourite drink. You know whenever; whenever I got too, too much beer, and stuff like that. Its a very good. You dont have to. Its strong; you dont have to sort of. Its not like watered down like beer. You dont have to sort of, constantly drink it.. Its nice to have. And I like the way it makes me feel.. And then we; then we had this drink. And then, she invited me back to her house. And, we went back there. And she lived in a house of seven people. And. And I remember seeing one of her housemates. And then, we went into the living room. And we had another drink. And she was telling me that she was a. She worked with robots. She was a, engineer of something. She gave me her card but I. I havent got it with me here to, to find out her, all of her details. And. And I kissed her some more. And then I started sort ofcaressing her leg. And. She got a bit, bit shy. And. And then at one point she was like: I just dont; why would someone like you like me? Which was.Which was odd because; Im pretty sure this was the same night that theytwo girls had seen me; which was weird. Because. I was just wearing these clothes, you know. They didnt mean anything. They were just. They were just: cheap. You know: polyester. You know, thats like: black trousers and white shirt and a thin tie. Just, I could look; you know I looked like a, a smart waiter. Or a, or just a general just, office drone: I didnt really think; but I guess it was all slim fitting, and stuff like that. And she probably had low self-esteem, and. And then anyway; so I was sort of caressing her leg. And she got sort of a bit; A bit rigid. And she was like: I think you should leave. And. And to be honest, I cant really remember how I left.. I dont remember much about. I just remember she said: I think you should leave. And then I sort of: That was it sort of. Im; I assume I just left. . And. Oh you know. But I was, I was kissing her and stuff like that. And I was like: But I wanna have sex. Youre so lovely. I wanna have sex with you.
201

. And she was like: No I think you should leave. And so I assume I just left. . And. And thenyou know. Basically.Ever since I got down there. Roman was desperate to try and hook; basically he was trying to. As soon as I got down there; before Id left; when Id. Basically when Id got back from the, the night where Id met Ryan. Andhad to sleep on the floor; and witness Roman having sex with Olivia..I was desperately trying to make; basically I wrote Kym a song. And the song was called Shut Up and Kiss Me. And the; but I wrote it in; and it was a country song; and I wrote it; you know as, as a, I wrote it; it was written by a guy called Herman Cashew. I liked, I like that. It got; Herman and like Cash. But Cashew: like the sneeze. I thought that was really funny: Cashew! . I like the idea that someonedoesnt, is not aware of the Cashew nut. You know, is not aware of the fact that its: like the Cashew nut. Its, no: its like the sneeze. But anyway; I wrote the song: it as a very good song. And. See the problem is. Multi-media: sorry not Multi-media. The problem is: Fb. Its this stupid thing, that makes it unbelievable hard to have proper conversations with people. You know, you cant have a conversation with someone when there, thecontext of the text; basically when Im; Im saying all of thisto this Dictaphone. But you, if youre reading this youre not getting the context that Im saying it. Which is very, very beneficial to, to the tone that I wanna bring to the book, which is: however creepy you want it to be, its gonna be like that. Which I tend to think: youre gonna think its creepy.. But really, you know; like if you listen to the audio: none of its creepy; its just me talking.. And. And without, context; and withoutstuff like that; text becomes too ambiguous. And you can read too much into it. And basically Id been, only contact; Id been only talking to Kym through Fb. And. And basically; and shed been hot and cold. I assumed depending on her day. Or how much Ryan has annoyed her, and stuff like that. Which is; its sort of in itself quite, horrible; if you think about it. I think; I feel like I was almost leveraged to get her in the door with Ryan. I mean, I think, she was trying to get him to commit. And she was. Like there was a time we; I went down and.But nah, Im not even gonna; cause its just not even worth talking about it anymore. Because. By this point Id; I was fully aware that Kym wasnt really that interested in me.
202

But I didnt know why. Because I was pretty sure that I was, sort of; I could, she could: I think shed like me. .. And I, later on I realised that she wouldnt have liked me at all. But. At that point I thought: You know look. Look i. I dont. I need to be clear. And I need to make it clear. That. Look. Im interested in you. I think that we could work as whatever we, it would be. And I, you know. And I know that youre looking to commit to people. And you know. Im up for it. This is cool. This is. Me too... And I sent her a really long text. And shedidnt respond. Or she did respond with; and then she didnt respond. And then she said something, pretty snidey on Fb. Which, in hindsight; wasnt really snidey at all. And, and. Its because, this problem with communication with her, had become ridiculous. And, and; and. You sort of: you could read anything into anything, on Fb. This is the damaging thing about it, you know like.. Thats why I try to emoticon the shit out of everything. Just so; I put smiley faces everywhere; you realise that Im not being fucking serious: Im being facetious; Im being you knowjocular; Im being affable. I, I dont; you know: Im not. Because every time I seem to say something to people, they seem to get amazingly offended. And. And its maybe because: I often say things that people dont want to hear. But, I dont say it in a horrible way. Im never mean; Im not a mean natured person. Im just; Im not that; you know, I dont: Im not envious; Im not sort of jealous. I dont understand, you know; none of its coming out of from a sort of: angry; sort of, place. Its just. Im just saying what I think.. And so.So anyway When I got down toLon.When I got down to London.. Kym had stopped spending time with Roman. And; one assumes that it might have been to do with the fact that she didnt want to do sort of, lead me on. Because; this is the thing that I get very angry about: As soon as you mention that youre interested in someone; and this is exactly; basically, Woody Allen: completely right. You know; its the. You know, the Groucho Marx paraphrased: I would never want to belong to a club that would have someone like me as a member. Its the. As soon as someone who; and theyve all got so low; you know, theyre all so neurotic. And self-obsessed; and sort of, narcissistic.. As soon assomeones inter; realises that someones. Or; see; its hard, because I use terms; so when I say like: I like you.
203

And Im interested in you. I mean that, in the sort of quite obvious way. I mean. You know: Im physically attracted to you; I think I said; Ive said this to her, a million times: I am physically attracted to you: But Im physically attracted to most people. But I like you as a person. And, and I, you know. Id be up for giving, it a shot; If you would. . And as soon as someone hears that; they start to think: Ahh.But hes so nice. But hes not my cuppa, hes not my type. I like, you know. .Lena always says that Kym never like anyone who not.if theyre interested in her. Which is, you know psychologically quite interesting; in itself. Because, you assume it would be; youd never. Basically if someones interested, you know; like I say: If someone wants you, why, you wouldnt; you dont want them. Because why; you know, because you dont want anyone who would want someone like you.. Yeah its like. Its like a. I dunno. Its like a sort of. Its, its sort of crazy. But, its, its; you see it everywhere. You see it, you know. Basically, and also; she always used to say: Whenever she was sort of espousing wisdom, to, to people; often Sam. Because Sam was in love with this girl calledEgg. And. And. And hes like. She, she had a boyfriend. And. And they hooked up once. Until he; I think he threw up.. At her house or something, like that. Bless him!. And. And Kym always used to say that: You know what. People want what they cant have. And I think thats what she always thought with me. I just, I just wanted her because I couldnt have her. And, and I think. Or anyone, you know. And shed been so; shed been; come to London after being completely fucked over by one guy; and then got fucked over by Pete. And I guess she was pretty hardened. And, and sort of miserable. And. And; plus Ryan seemed nice. AndRyan didnt you know. Hes just; a pretty face. And she could dictate him what to do and stuff like that. I dont really let people tell me what to do. I, always have arguments with her. Because I thought; I always think that; I mean coming from. I mean my Mum and my dad always; my Mum always say you know like; my dad never argued with; maybe if theyd had discussions and debates it
204

would have turned out differently, but. And so Ive always; I always think that. And I think healthy, arguments are healthy; you shouldnt agree with everything. You shouldnt let things slide. I hate this sort of: Ah. You know. Women, you know: Women are different; women are different. Just let her let her think shes right. But really That sort of stuff makes me very, very angry. And its, its converse as well, you know, its like: Ah. Men; you know. They always wantwhat they cant have. .. Its nonsense. Its sort ofits, its sort of. People think its true. And; and that its the case. But it; it just shows the ignorance of people. And; just: I dont really want to be involved with anyone who thinks that, you know: That Boys are from Venus and girls are from Mars. Or whatever the fuck it is. . Because. I dont want to spend my life; Im looking for someone who I: Im looking for a companion who I: am attracted to; who I completely respect; who Iadore, and grow to love; and who, challenges me and makes me a better person; makes me grow, and, and. And, and, sort of can; knows me well enough to pull me up on things, and stuff like that. Im not gonna find that from people who think that: Girls are from Venus and Boys are from Mars. Or mores and bores: Whatever it is. I dont even know what it is! . And. And basically Roman had been trying to set me up, with, people. Well basically he tried to set me up. He.He was under the assumption; everyone was under the assumption that I loved Kym.I mean. Maybe.Ok; I once said that: I think Im in love with her. But I said that in a sort of jokey: I: as inthe pronoun meaning Michael.Or whatever it is; my brain thinks that I love her. Im having these sorts ofthought of love. I didnt. You know, Im very well aware that they were delusionary. Because. Because loves far more complex than that. And if anyone had fucking listen; if anyone had read anything that I had been writing. Or .Actually bothered to talk to be about anything. Theyd, theyd understand
205

this. I would, I would happily talk to people about, what I mean when I stay stuff. But the thing is, they dont want to listen. And Im tempted to think that the thing, the reason that they dont want to listen is because; I just had my; I was just having a conversation with my mother in thekitchen about this. Because; they dont like the fact that Im right, or; and Im not saying that Im always right, Im just saying; and often Im wrong. And when; and as soon as I; people often say to me stuff, and Im like: Oohooh, your right actually. Im completely being an idiot. .But until you have the conversation; this is why I think people; a lot of peopleat the root of it: stupid people, dont have arguments. And dont debate or anything like that. Because: it shows there ignorance. And this is another thing that I like; this is why basically, I essentially like the writing. And I like the, the. This is what I go for when Im doing it. Its the; I think that if you. If you let someone talk enough: all they do is just display their ignorance. You know. And. . And thats what; I felt that no one want to talk to me. And no one wants to, to actually engage in stuff; its better to call me a weirdo. Its just like: Ah. Youre weird, Michael. Because the thing is; I sort of. I go into these places. And I sort of; its almost like Im; and then I hear what. People dont like me; now; people dont like me going around with them. Because they dont feel like they can be themselves. Because, they; as themselves; are just sort of ridiculous. Theyre sort of. Theyre just like; I cant see it being more than that, there just; I dont think any of these people have actually matured. I feel that theyve; theyre still sort of sixteen year old mentalities. Who, have to put the mask of an adult on their face. And Im talking about most people. These p; they dont know what is happening. They dont; they just they seem to just be: Just following the gaggle. You know. They seem to be.Just putting on a mask or a show or something. Its, its: its a bit odd. Because. Regardless of what you think of me; Im, you know. Im relatively truthful. And. And. I remember once, Lena said to me.When we were in, in; the last year of Uni. And, in Cossington. She said: Michael, I dont know whether youre a genius or an absolute idiot. . And, I think that; at the time I was very insulted. Just because I had low self-esteem at the time; and I thought; I didnt think of:
206

Oh. Someone thinks Im really clever. Or a genius or, whatever the fuck that means. I just thought: Oh. You think Im an idiot sometimes. But. You know, it doesnt; now I just think; that statement is itself is just..It sort of sums it all up. Its more a sort of a statement on; a sort ofstatement on their own: Their own mentality. Because; essentially what its saying is: Sometimes I think you say stuff thats very, very smart. And by that I mean: Sometimes you say stuff that I really agree with. And Other times you say stuff; and I disagree with it. And by that I mean: That: youre an idiot. Because I tend to think that; this is the problem. This is what I started to realise was the main problem when I was. When Id moved to London: Id got; Id thought; you know: Id learned a lot in Devon. And I really knew what I wanted to do. And I got this, drive. And I thought that; Now that Id, been able to; now that I was smart. And I knew what I wanted. And I could help; you know. And I was sort of educated. I thought: Ah. I could go to London. And help people. Help people sort of.We could do stuff together. Sort of get them out of there sort of, sort of: rut. But then I realised that. Really thats a very nave view. Because. The main thing I realised is that people were: fucking hostile. At me; like towards me. And. And it really.All my friends there really were sort of; they got angry: they got very, very, angry. And they sort of: Whos this guy think he fucking is; to; to tell me stuff. Because. All theyd known me as before. Was this sort of; stoner. Who.Who didnt say much; and just watched stuff; and laughed his tits off. Because a lot of what I was experiencing; It wasnt sort of; vocalised to anyone.. And I realised; I really just spend quite a lot of time just with people, who didnt really know me at all. They just sort of, assumed that I was like; they assumed that I was like: Mike and Sam: musician stoners.

207

You know. Nice guy. But sort of, a bit; a bit doey.A bit doey in the, through like, you know, between the ears.. And I realised that a lot of that has to do with the fact that: People. When, like; I dont know whether its always been the case. Or its just people Ive met. Or its just the culture: Or whatever. But. People, have this amazing.They have the amazing ability to self-deceive; of self-deception. And. And often; basically: when you say something that is contradictory. Or is, you know, is different to what theretheir views are. Often they dont accept them. Because. Because really, what their, their mind-set is sort of like. I found this a lot with the blog; when I showed people stuff.. Its like: Yeah I dont. Its. And I you know; all; everyone, pretty; everyone. Like. I dont get it; so, if I dont get it: it mustnt be good. . And it sort of.Its ridiculous. Because I found myself, knowing quite; I was doing all this stuff that I really, really liked. And. And I was really proud of. And then you show it to people. And theyre; and I think they tended to think: Ah. Poor Mike. Hes doing this stuff; and its not very good. And it made me realise that. That I dont think there was a way you could touch these people. You know; there wasnt a way that you could .you know. And it was a very There wasnt a way that you could : I just couldnt communicate with them.

208

Chapter Seventeen
Ok.Liz was a linguist. And.. She; as I say she was alsoan American. Who.Who; I dont know how long had been over here. But she really didnt seem thatway.. And I think that she as running away fromsomethingquite horrible. Or just running away: I dont know. . And. Roman had. Basically Roman had saidthat she mentioned to me that she. Basically; her and Nic had broken up, because Nic. Cause Nic was a Cunt. And Nic.Basically, they had an open relationship; she had a green card marriage; but they had an open relationship. And they lived together. But Nic had been, essentially cheating on her with one of his students. He was a teacher... And she was a teacher. Or she was, basically she had two jobs. Basically she worked as a teacher, and also she worked asat a University; as ashe administrated certainresearch things.. Something to do with Science; or; the human body. Or something like that. But. Nic hadcheated on her.; or had decided that he didnt wanna; be with her anymore. He wanted to be with this, his student. And so.And so basically she.Basically I think that she; she mentioned something like; to Roman she mentioned something like: I havent been touched for ages. .And basically. As soon as Id got down, Roman was like: You should.You shouldgo. You should go out on a date with Liz. I sort of put it off and put it off. Because.I dont know; their whole thing seemed to be weird. And I didnt want to sort of get involved in it.. But I remember. Basically, I remember that; regardless of; I knew that Kym was with Ryan. But I didnt; I still wanted to be her friend. Because I thought she was lovely and stuff like that.. And so I text her, a couple of times and; just friendly stuff. And. And I got; and once I said: Oh. What are you doing tonight? Romans with Olive; And Sams depressed and I dont want to go back on my own. . Andshe was like:
209

Oh. Ive got to rearrange Ryans. Ive got to throw; you know Ive got to. Basically Im just gonna. She was gonnabin a lot of Ryans clothes.. And I was like: Ok. Thats fine, you know: Be sensitive. Cause some people like; old clothes areaway back in to the, to the past. So dont be too harsh. Cause shes really into fashion: she works in the industry; I guess. .And. And then I text her in the morning once: just a sort of nice text. Im just generally flirty anyway. Just because I love women; I love them. There: Lovely.. And. And she was likeshe text me back: As nice as it is to receive texts such as yours; more often than not I am, waking up next to Ryan. Ive managed to . Something like; shed manage toexplain away one of the text; but anymore would be a bit of a problem. Which basically meant: Look When she said that she wanted to be friends No! Were not friends. We.Ive got a boyfriend now. Just fuck off! So you know I was like: Jesus Christ! They keep. Who am I gonna spend time with?! So anyway.I emailed Liz; one day, at work. And I basically said: Hi. Do you fancy going out for a drink? Sometime? I think we were; basically we hadarranged to go to aBlitz Party. .Exactly the same; basically: the people who made the Blitz Party for the New Years that we went to, had made one again; had put one on again. AndI basically; Liz was coming. And it was on a Friday. And basically the week before; I mentioned; said: Do you wanna go for a drink? Before we go to the Blitz?.I must. I must make you aware; alcohol makes me lascivious. I make no apologies. And. And she seemed to like that. And.When went out; in Brixton we met. And. And at the time Liz had blonde hair. And shed just got these lovely eyes.. I know the whole: Eyes are the window to the soul

210

thing is a bit trite. But; you know. I think. I tend to like eyes, you know. If I see things; you know. If someones got something going on; then its you know; shown in the eyes. And basically we started talking. And. And we had a drink. And she mentioned; I remember one; I remember one of the; we were outside the Ritzy. We were having a drink outside the Ritzy. And I remember one of the thingsshe said. And it was just sort of; she sort ofhopeless said it. She was like: I just. I just dont know why everyone cant just get on?! And I just thought: YES! I like you a lot! .And. And basically I think she was readingJane Austin. Whilst I was waiting for her; whilst she was waiting for me: Which I liked. And then we went to a. We went to look for some food. And we went down to a; A Japanese restaurant. And, we order food. And I didnt really, I didnt really eat much; because I never do. And. And she talked a lot. And I listened. And. And she.And she was surprised because I was like: Im a very serious person. At one point. And she; you know. And, and I guess; cause I mask it a lot.. And. And I almost made her pay. . And then I realised that that wasnt probably the best thing to do. I was gonna get the money back out for her, but; I just didnt know that they accepted card. And. And thenwe went to. Basically we had a couple more drinks, and then we went to a pub. And. And I started talking to her. And she mentioned something about that she used to have a coke problem.. Andhow; she said something like: Yeah.I used to know a lot of dealers. Cause you know they were nice. And I mentioned; you know; and I sort of retorted: Yeah: most dealers are. .And. And then I kissed her. And, it was; and we were basically in this pub. And there was barely; there one was no one in it. And we were, sort ofensconced in a sort of, little; almost second room, away from the bar. And so no one could see us. And. And. And I kissed her and. And she said she like the way I kissed. And Liz isBi-sexual. Andshe really likes woman I think. And. I took that to meaning I was quite famine, which was; which I always like. Cause I
211

like the idea of, of; I like being a good kisses. And I like being a good love maker and stuff like that. Because: I wanna please people..And. And I kissed her. And. And I basically you know. I said: You know. I have to see your; I have to see your breast. . And I sort ofcupped her breast and then sort of, took it out of her top. And it was, it was lovely and. And I went: oh! And she went: Oh yeah: What?! And I went: Whatd you mean? And she was like: What? I know there small. And I was like: No. theyre lovely. And. And I got a massive; Like I am now! Its really early in the morning; and Im getting one; already. And Ive just masturbated. . And I got an absolute stonkinghard on. And I was like: Look! I cant; Ive gotta go to the toilet and, sort of re-arrange myself and And. Because I; like I say. It was this sort of; spending so much time on your own. And then; going around and seeing people. I just found them all so fucking arousing. And. And I.And so anyway we left. And. . And basically I went back to the flat. And we text some sort of inap, you know; crass dirty talk: which I am a massive fan of. Because Im a very; I like language and, and sound. And; and combining the two, in a sexual way is, very; it, it: I like it. I am affected by it; very much. And. And I text, you know. And we ended the text with: I do like you! .And she was like: Yeah I like you too.

212

. And. And then on the; on the Friday when we were going to this Blitz party; Id Id sort of rehashed my, my old costume, and.And, made it a bit better.. And shed came. And she had this sort of, little flowery dress on. And she, just lovely; and. And I kissed her. And she was like: No; dont, wait. No. . And we went up. And we met everyone. And Kym and Ryan where there; and, and Drew and Ben: DrewDrew was Bens. Basically Drew went to New Year with us, andand had started dating Ben, as a result.. Theydtheyd fucked inin Malcolm and Lenas room; when they werent there.; and; and Roman and Olivia; and Sam and, and Tara: she was. Tara wasOlivias friend; who Sam sort ofhad hooked up with; before, I think.. Or at least you know he did then. And we.And weyou know. Then we went to this Blitz Party, and. And I got very drunk..And I was just happy. And I; and there was bits of the night that I dont remember. And: Later on, Roman was talking to Liz. And Liz was like. And he was like: How was the night? And she was like: Yeah it was fine; Michael tried to finger me on the dance floor. . Which.I probably did: To be honest.. And. And it was all a bit of a blur. And I remember a one point: Kym had dressed up as a nurse. And as one point, wed. Cause it had got, it was very, very busy; it was much busier than the time before. And wed all lost each-other, and. And I, I often have to the toilet.So. So Id lost everyone. And then I saw her, in the crowd. And, and she was very drunk: she, she gets absolutely shitfaced.. And..And I remember; she took my hand and lead me through the crowd.. I remember...I remember at the time; it was. It was like we were two little kids, I guess.. And I was just happy.. And then . There is a picture of; they take pictures for the, for the night. And there was pictures; of. Of us: of me a Liz.. And I just; was kissing Liz. And it was; its a nice, picture. And. And then we went back; to the flat. And. And I got a bit high. And, and Liz had some weed. And she had a debate with Ben aboutOpen Relationships. And then, and the she; shed brought he stuff. Cause she was. Shes, shes very open about all this stuff. We were both. You know, there was no sort of: Erm.Are we gonna or not

213

You know. This was gonna end with her, us; having sex. And I was very; I was very much looking forward to it.. As I hope she was; I guess.. Because she; like she, she hasnt. She hadnt had sex in a long time. And . And. And then at one point, she was like: Look. Imreally, really sleepy. Im gonna go to bed. And so.We went to bed. And. And my bed.My rooms quite small. But my bed is absolutely fucking horrible. Its like a bed. Its a double bed. But its exactly the sort of double bed that you get at Uni. And that, and by that I mean; its very shitthin wood: Very, very cheap wood. And a horrible mattress; and Im used to. Ive a really; in Devon and at home and stuff; I really had quality mattresses. And theyre lovely. And. And this one was just; pales in comparison. And. And so basically I.We.I assumed that we were gonna, cause I assumed that she was tired. But anyway; as we; we got into bed. And. And she started sort of; gyrating against my crutch.. .So I assumed: Oh! You know Were gonna have sex. And I.And I sort of.I got on top of her. And I went down her body. And I kissed her stomach. And I .Like removed. Remove her knickers. And .Cause the thing is. I have really been. I hadnt really been with someone.Id been with, a couple of people. But notyou know .Compared to what; with K; honestly.All the time. We; it would be. That was, that was pretty much all we did. And I think that the problem was that once we. Once we stopped doing that, that much. And we sort of had toNo! That wasnt it, at all!. Basically, for; you know I just mean that we had a lot of very; we were both very sexual. And. And so I know. Know my way around the female body, I guess: Without being arrogant. And I sort of know; sort of, the erogenous zones, and. And all that.. And basically Id. Id missed it. Id missed. I love them so much. And I was drunk. And I was ripped. And. And I was turned on. And it was just: Awesome. And. And I.And I kissed her pussy. And. And.. And then.I took my trousers off. And she sort of gave me head.. And then; I sort of entered her. And. See now..Ben was sleeping in the. Ben was sleeping in the front room, and. And he said that he heard lots of sounds.. And I remember there was, you know, I think there was; she was pleasured. ButI
214

remember more than anything.The bed was. The bed was fucking squeaking! It was rubbish! It was. It was coming to the stage where it was; you sort of get any sort of momentum going, it was. And youd lose it. Because of this fucking squeaking.. And. But anyway probably; you know: I think she orgasmed. And. And. But I didnt..And I sort of just.And then she was just. And then she sort of apologised for some reason. She was like: Im sorry. Im, really, really tired. . I was like. Well, dont.There nothing to apologise for. That was lovely. .And we went to sleep... And in the morning I got up; and I put some music on; and had a spliff. A.And I went back to bed. And she; Oh and before I went to bed. Basically I was like: Cmon ere. And I cuddle her. And it was. And. And she was accepting; that was the only time that she accepted cuddles; I think it was because she was, blind drunk; I dont know. . And Im starting to think that I was mean to her, I guess. . But anyway So I.So she got up the next day. And she was like: Look. Im gonna go home. Im very tired. .And. And then the next time I saw her Id. Id been out for the drink with Vince and Harrison. And I went to. And I went to. And I was texting her. And I was like: I wanna see you. And she was like: But Im, you know. Im drinking wine on my own. And I was like: I dont care. I wanna go; I wanna come and see you. I wanna see you. And I went up. I went; met. I went to her Brixton flat. Where; the flat that she shared with Nic. And. And we.And we sort of. Shed
215

drunk some wine. And her cat was there. And her cat was dying. And. And she mentioned something very; that I found very, very odd.. We talkedabout Nic, and that. And she said: . Nic said to me once that hed He had a cat as well. And his cat died.. And he said, she said: And, and Nic said to me once; he would never love anyone, like he loved his cat. Which I thought was very: creepy.. Im creeped out by that sort of thing..Not, you know.. The idea that: you never love; I dont know, I just thats weirded me out. And. And Id been drinking so I was a bit. I mentioned that I didnt like Nic. And. And the one thing Id noticed was that. I mean, maybe its just cause she was drunk, but. She.She basically started talking to me like I knew stuff that I didnt. Like she. Like. Almost like, I was, not; I dont know; like maybe I was Nic. I dont know.. She basically said.. Stuff like: Oh. Ive told you about this; A thousand times! . Maybe not that; maybe thats a bit hyperbolic; but you know: that sort of tone. I was like: No. youve not told me anything like that. . And. And basically; and also she, she.She went on like this sort of rant. About how the fact that, the reason she liked open relationships was because it was delusional to think that, people could be. That, you know; that people couldbe committed to one person and just, not wander, or not get bored and stuff like that..And then she was like: Because I, I. You know. I never cheated on Nic. I, I; I did it because. You know, Im. .And. And it made me. I really liked her. And. And I really wanted to, be with her..But she was, quite. She was different from the time before, I guess. I think shed. I think something; see the thing is.. You gotta remember. All the time; unless youre spending every day: all day every day; with someone; theyre having completely different experiences. And they are being completely, shaped by other things that are happening in their life. And you sort of, you go off; you meet them once. And then you go back away. And then you meet them again. And they are completely different people.. And. And basically.And I was like: Ok. Im gonna have another smoke. And she was like:
216

Well Im gonna go to bed; and brush my teeth. So I was like: Oh. OK. Ill do the same. And so and then, and the same happened again. She; we went to be and she started gyrating on me.. Much like a cat, sort of. If youve ever seen the way a cat sort of, brushes up against a sort of male..And anyway.she had a nice bed, so.. And we had. I think I, made her cum twice I think.. Oh, I didnt come again! But just because; and, but; and she basically said: Oh! I was like: What? And she was like: Oh. Youre quiet, you. Youre one of the ones: You orgasm quiet. And I was like: No, no. I havent come. And she was like: Are you sure? And I was like: Im pretty sure. And she was like: It feels like you cum. And I think its; when people say stuff like that; because. Shh she was very very.moist. She, she was; she had cum twice. There was like, a discharge of; like a.Whatever. And I was like: No, no. You know.. You know. Ill, Ill let you know when Ive: When Ive cum. . And. She was like: You weir; you are weird. .Which. You know. And the problem is. Its because I was so used to; I think its this thing. You know. I was so used to; K knew exactly; it got to the stage where you
217

were like perfunctorily. You could; you knew each other so well that you could psychologically just, get each other off; very, very quickly. You know, it had become like: Oh. I really dont. Im not into this. Just make it quick; Ill make her cum quickly. Its quite funny actually.. And so.I.And so when Im with a new partner; andalso K was. Yeah like, she knew what, what affected me. And with a new partner, you just have to get used to it. And I dont feel comfortable so.. It takes me a whileto, to orgasm. Basically I like; the way I go, I like pleasuring them as much as I can at the beginning. And then I sort of, ease in; gradually ease inmy own orgasms. Because I like given pleasure; you know I like orgasms: orgasms are amazing; but you know, I can have them, on my own. You know, I dont need another person with, with me to do them. You know, to have them.. But when Im with someone else, I like to be giving to them. I like to, make them cum: it turns me on.. Anyway We went to bed. And then.She wouldnt cuddle me.. And then .And the she woke up again and started gyrating against me.. And at the time I didnt think; I thought that maybe she was asleep or something. Because K used to.When she was asleep she used to have these; I think they were sort of sexy dreams.. You know sort of erotic dreams..And she. She used to gyrate and moan and stuff: Which I found very sexy. I like the idea that someone is asleep and having these fantasies and stuff. . I often shed wake up and be, sort of, super aroused.. Anyway .Afterwards I was like: Oh. You know you gyratein your sleep: Where you having a dream or something? And she was like: Er. No. You know. .Because. When we woke up; and gyrated. And I started kissing her.. She said something which I thought was odd. She was like: Oh. You like me now. Which was, I; you know. It was a bit weird: because; I never didnt. This is the thing. I probably come off a lot harsher when Im drunk.. And. And. And I made her cum. And she was like:

218

Ooh. Thanks for that! . And then, we got up and got dressed. And I have this image of her just, getting up and going to the kitchen. And she just: her body; and, just her behind: And everything; and the curves. It was just lovely..And. And she had a shower. And I got up. And, my; her cat had slept on my trousers. Which; Id come straight from work. So, my trousers; I pretty much had to work in the same clothes.. And my trousershadgot cat her all over them. So I was still standing there with a pair of trousers in my hand. Naked: completely naked. And when she came out of the bathroom, I sort of turned; I probably looked like a frightened animal.. And. And I got dress. And I think she was a bit.; When I; you know, with what I looked like: this; like. Like I say, cause its: white shirt, black trousers, and thin tie. And I think she; she was a bit. She was a bit concerned. With.Because she; she works in the. Shes ideological. And I think the fact that I worked in an evil, corporate, private place wasnt, wasnt good.. Which is very closed minded. Thinking that, you know, you could; cause: people are just people. They get jobs and; they have very little control over anything. Especially there.Especially you know theforeseeable consequence. Or you know the. How it all goes. How it allrolls over.. How, how everyone.How everyones affected by the, the, the little things that you do. I dont think people, many people think about that.. So that make, that means that there quite nice, people. Its just that theyre doing horrible stuff. Theyre doing sort of immoral things.. Unjustifiable things .And.And I basically I, I was gonna leave.Id left her place..Well basically I was like: Shall we walk to the station together? And she was like: Ah. No. Im gonna wait. I.Im gonna. ImI need to do my make-up. And then I sort ofaffably sort of; or sort of; I was like: mmm. But I dont know which way to go!? . And she.And she just froze. And sort of; her eyes darted around: like she was looking for; like searching her brain for an excuse not to go with me. And she was like: But. You know, I. I told you. I need to do my make-up. And I was like:
219

Oh: Ok. This isnt; this isnt good. And it all And it all sort of.The last. Then; I sort of then.. There was a big break. And then I saw her again. And she.I was like: Come round. Were gonna watchwere gonna chill out. And we were watching a film with Roman and Olivia. And me and her watchedand film. I think it was21 Jump Street. And. And I was; I was high. And. She; which was probably not good. You know, I probably shouldnt have been high, like. I realise now that its very: I shouldnt be high all the time., But, basically, She mentioned something about football. And I sort of pull her up on it, and she got annoyed: just at the comment. And Im not saying that women dont like football or all that shit. My sister is one of the biggest football fans, you know, In the World: She knows far more than me.. And. And she got annoyed at that. And then; but what, what I found; more than anything was just that; there was this passive aggressive thing, about. We were watching the film. And Roman; and Roman had been drinking with Olivia. And Roman; Roman started mentioning sort of. Because hed always said; the only thing he said about Liz was like: Oh yeah youll like Liz: Nice arse! . You know.. So.And he started, sort of; saying; sort of insinuating like stuff; and flirtystuff. About; and, and. And Liz had always; basically Liz had, and Nic had tried to get Olivia to go back with her: Because they wanted to have a threesome with her. And so; Liz was always attracted to Olivia..And basically; but I was just sitting there and we were watching this film. And. Basically Olivia and Roman, and Liz were flirting and. And I dont care about it; its just the fact that they were doing it so shamelessly; like. I dont know; I dont why, see I dont think people are; actually in hindsight; people know that I am aware of this stuff. Because I dont really pull them up on it.. Anyway.That was a bit; that sort of, made; put me off. Hanging around with her with; basically I didnt want to spend time with her around Roman and Olivia. Because, I didnt think Roman thought sort of; you know. I dont know; it was just. I got the feeling that, Roman wanted to just, violate her of something.. And. And. And so.And then she was like:
220

I gotta go. Cause Ive got work tomorrow. . And. I was like: Ill walk you to the. Ill walk you to the bus stop. She was like: You dont have to! And I was like: No, No. I want to. And then.And then she said something. And I responded as we were walking out the door. And she was like: Oh. Forget it! And she, like; sort of; walked off sulky. And I was like: What are?youre being very unreasonable. .Obviously because Id been stoned; and shed been drunk. So that, you know; I was calm and sanguine: and she wasjust you know sort of, probably just a bit annoyed at me. And. And we were walking to the bus stop. And the one last thing that I remember really her saying, was: Ah! You think Im an idiot! And I was like: No. I really dont, and. And if I, If I ever made you feel that way I apologise. And. And she.And she basically walked; and walked her to the bus stop. And she was talking about that she had to meet a friend. Cause her friend was suicidal, or something like that. And. And she kissed me. And. And then she got on the bus, and she went home. And I. and I went home. And.And went. I went home and just; had a smoke and went to bed. And. And I got a text from her saying: . Thanks for walking me to the bus-stop. X

221

Chapter Eighteen
I met. I met Brookeabout the same time that I metLiz. Or at least, the same time that I started.About the same time that I started seeing Liz. Or.Or not seeing her or whatever..And basically; what had happened is..It was my, it was my Uncle Jos wife; who we call the Aunty Charlotte. Because there; Sorry there not; theyre not married yet..Fianc. But, you know: shes Aunty Charlotte. So it was Aunty Charlottes. It was Charlottesbirthday. And she had plans to, go to. I think it was Hastings, I think; maybe Bexhill. I dunno. I think it was Hastings. To a pub; tostay. We.Theyd found a pub. Thatwas also; was also sort of a bed and breakfast, but. This pub was. There was a band playing. And they were called: The Lucky Ones. And they were. They were Charlottes friends brothers band. And. And we, they were playing at this pub. And it was also a sort of bed and breakfast. Or there was, there was; basically there was rooms; they offered bed, and breakfast across the street.. And. Charlotte and, and Uncle Jo. Charlotte and Jo got the. The rooms..Got there room. And me, my Mum,, and . Me and my.My Mum and Paul got a room. And then me and my brother and sister; Mare and Dig; had got a room. And basically.We hadnt seen each other in a while and we thought that it was a good way to catch up. So.We went. I went home and we drove there..Or I might have met them at Polegate, or Eastbourne; or something. We drove. We drove to the place. And; It was nice to catch up with everyone. Because I had, Id been, Id been in London for a while. And. And my family are Amazing! . We just. This is the problem: I find. I find people, relatively dull: Because my family are so much fun. Theyre just. Theyre all just very, very fun. And. And energetic and we have. Growing up we have this sort of. We always used to have parties. And when we met Charlotte; we used to go round her Mums. And they were very similar. Just very family orientated. And you used to get absolutely shitted. And. And it was just. You know: Have The Crack. And it was just good. It was just good: it was just good fun. Andwhen.And when we got there.

222

We checked into the rooms. And the rooms were decent.. Mum and, Mum and Paul got there room. And Me, Mare and Dig; and theyd set up this sort ofbed on the floor. For; you know me and Dig could sleep in it. And Mare could sleep in the bed.. And; you had a little bathroom on the; on suite bathroom.. And. And. And basically whatd we done was. Charlotte had. It was Charlottes birthday. And theyd organised a.A meal, so we; across the street. So; I think it wasnice. And so we went there. It was almost Mexican themed. But I think they did steak and other stuff. And we went there. And. And wed. And Charlottes friends and family had come. For the meal: though they werent you know staying in the hotel. And. And Brooke was there: Because Brooke is Charlottes very good friend; from.Long time. And. And we.And basically what had happened is that. Charlotte and my Uncle had tried to set me and Brooke up. Because Id spent a lot of time when I came back from, from Devon; and also before; just hanging out with; and smoking, and, and chilling out with Charlotte and Unc, Jo..And. And basically wed. Theyd. Itd come about that shed. That Brooke had come back into the country. She was. Shed gone. She was in sort of British. I dont; its not Barbados but somewhere like that: BritishsomethingIsles. And. And actually shed, shed been married. And shed come back. And shed got divorced. And it was very, very; theyd, theyd gone away to see; to the holiday, you know. Theyd gone away.. Over there.: The British Cayman Islands, maybe.. They; Charlotte and Joe had gone over there; for the; to; to see the wedding and stuff. But it, you know, hadnt lasted very long. Not long at all; a couple of months. And. And basically; Brooke had moved back. And she moved to London. And she was living in, in Brockley: Which is just up the road from me. And she was working in Victoria: not the station; the, just around there. And. And basically we.We got to. We were at this meal. And; and my sister. And basically Id met; I had met Brooke before; once before. When we went to; Joe and Charlotte had invited us to thispub in Eastbourne; where The Lucky Ones where playing. And I watched them. And I was really impressed with there. Because, it was; Lenas brother and his brothers wife. And this other guy calledI cant remember his name, but hes; at this moment I cant recall it. But it will come back to me.. He was an American. Or a Canadian or I think it was an American: Boston, or something like that. . And; Brad. I think his name was Brad. And he was good. And they did stuff like.. I Wanna Be Like You, from The Jungle Book. And just stuff like that. And it was the first time I
223

went to a place; Cause often you go to these places, and the music, the music they place is so boring. But this was so energetic and lively and good: and fun. And. And it was a good crack. And. And I met Brooke then. Because Id asked; Brad had been sort of flirting with her; and I was like: Oh. Are you.Are you seeing him? And she was like: Oh. No, No. Hes, hes got a girlfriend. And I was like: Oh. Is it? And she was like: Oh. Brads a bit of a flirt. And I was like: Yeah, I know. I can see. . But anyway we.I.Anyway, we were sitting at this table. And Id sort of.I said hello to her. And, I just. She; I recognised her; you know. Sort of.Not her look; just her way; and just her sort of; the way her eyes were, were sort of. There were sort of very, unsure of herself. Or whatever it was. And I sort of; I was attracted to her.. And anyway we, we had the meal. And Charlotte opened her presents. And we had a couple of drinks. And then we went over to the, the pub. And. and the band set up. And they started playing. And it was all very good. I saw this; I believe she was a German or a Russian girl who was filming them. And I, you know; I was interested in; I basically got her, her onto the stage: this Russian. Slash German; I cant remember. I know that when I said one of them, Brookes Mum said: Oh. No: shes It was the other.. Cause I couldnt really hear her that well: Because it was very loud. And I got her; I thought shed, shed like it. She was filming the band. And I thought shed like it if theyd got onto the stage; if shed got onto the stage. And anyway.So after that we.We carried on drinking. And there was loads; were all, very heavy drinkers so. Well, you know; I dont as much now but. But when I want to I can, I can get drunk. . When I want to I can get drunk.. And. And basically; it transpired that I was outside, in the, on the patio having a cigarette with Brooke. And we were just talking, a bit.Then I swapped numbers..And. And then we sort of kissed. And it was. It
224

was. It was weird, actually. We sort of started talking; and then we sort of kissed. But we were both drunk; so it didnt really matter. And. And then I.And then I basically went. And then she, she and her friend; she was set to go. And stay with her friend. So, she had gone. And then.I went back in; basically we, there was a sort of private bar that wedsort of hired out. And we were in there. And. I remember. I think I was drinking; basically, at one point Charlotte was like: What dyou want? And I was like: Ooh. Get me some tequila! she was like: Youre crazy! . And. And we drunk a lot more. And; basically the bar was closing. And so what we had to do was; we had to buya shit load of wine and stuff from them; from the bar; before it had closed: So that we could carry on drinking. And, by that time there wasMe, my Uncle, Charlotte, Mare, Dig, Mum, Paul, and also; Brooke and her friend had come back: Becausethey decided against going. You know. I dont know why. I think; some reason. But. And I.And I.And it all gets very sort of hazy, from there. Basically we went; we went back; we went up to our room. We all bundled into our room.. And I remember at one point I was on the floor. On thesort of cot, that theyd set up. And then.And then Im just, then its just: blank.. And then. And then I start sort of, becoming more lucid. I remember; Entering Brooke. And.And then as we.And then; and then basically, Im pretty sure that we fell asleep. But. When we woke up; we were. She was in her Jean; but I was completely naked.. And. And basically Id. I had to go to; straight away I had to go to the toilet. And I vomited sort of this bile; bilious sort of fluid. And . And brushed my teeth; and sort of rinsed my mouth out and stuff. And then went back to bed. And I was reading. My brother had got a book: the Marquis de Sadesort of writings. And I was just interested to see what they were like. Because I realised that he was. He was a loon. But. But you know; and I read100 day of Sodom or whatever. But I was sort of interested to sort of see what sort of LibertineLibertarian; his liberation thought was like. So anyway I was reading it and. And she woke and thought I was pretentious. . I think she thought; basically she said something like:
225

Oh. Are you reading that to try and impress me?! Waking up, so; reading that so. So you know. They.I wake up to this sort of literary figure: In my, in bed. And I was like: No, No. just; trying to read something. And then, anyway. We sort of; we started kissing. And. And. Because we were both pretty drunk; we; I was pretty uninhibited; Again. And. And, I went down on her, and; and other stuff, and. And we had sex. And. And she.She; I laid down. And she sort of straddled me; and she orgasmed. And; on top of me. And. And I didnt cum. But. But. It was really nice; and really good. And; it was because she was. Because basically. Because Brooke was turning 40 at the, at the end ofof the month; maybe; in a month or so; she was, you know August like me..Or July: One of them..And.And I think it was that. It was the sort of; I remember..Just. Anyway, she.She orgasmed; and she said it was unfair: Because she hadnt been with someone in ages. And of course, she was; I was gonna make her orgasm.. But anyway; we started chatting. And we were having a crack of it. And then; My Uncle came in. And. And he said something like: You fuckin nutter! . And anyway; wed. Wed sort of, got; went down for breakfast with everyone. And. And I sort of heard what had happened in between the sort of black out. And. And basically what had happened is: Wed all bundled into the room. We were all pissed. And then me and; I got onto the bed with Brooke. And I started stroking her knee. And basically we started going at it pretty full on. And; to the stage where we were pretty much; you know; everyone had to leave the room: my Mum, Paul, Uncle and Charlotte, and Mare and Dig; who were meant to be staying in there. They had to leave the room. Because I think we were gonna have sex in front of them. And. And then my brother caught his finger in the door. And, and. And anyway, I was apologising to everyone. And Charlotte was like: Dont worry about it: it was hilarious! . So you know. The thing is that. We all get so drunk. And we all have so much; theres always such bizarre things happening. That its not really. When Im with my family; its like the only time that Im ever really; dont ever feel, embarrassed about anything. Because just; weve all done stuff; so much stuff that. That, you know; would mortify normal people. But you get so used to it. Its just like:
226

Oh. Dont worry; you were drunk! I cant really remember much of it. And. And my Uncle and Charlotte are very good at that. They sort of.They sort of.They justify sort of. They justify sort of; the night away. Because when youre drunk; youre completely different, then you know, when youre sober, so. And theyre very, very used to. To doing it; so.to;.And my Uncles very, very good at that. Hes very. Cause he smoke a lot; And he done a lot of drugs, and stuff like that. He, he can; he knowsbiological; you know. He knows physiologically what is happening with you. And he can sort of.. You know hes, hes very smart in that sort of sense; in that way. Andthats why I like spending time with themso much.. And anyway; so Wed arranged tosee each other in London..And. And. Basically, once Id started seeing Liz. And.Or; and Id seen Liz. That night after Id seenLiz; in the Brixton flat.. Brooke texted me; or Id texted her. And. And. Wed arranged to meet. And. And I remember that the funny thing was; cause Liz. When; that night; the night that the Brixton flat; the; when I was likeyou know; I said something like: Dont worry. When Im with someone And. And she got very, very, very defensive. And she.And she basically.She started sort of; and she done the eye thing again. And . And she.She said: Oh.r, you know, r, Im not in the sort of. r. I dont. You know, i. I dont really want to see anyone at the moment. And I was like: No. No. No, you miss understand me. I mean that Im with you. You know now. Im mean, Im with you; at, in this moment. .I dont think she did understand me; But anyway.. So; but shed said that to me. And then when Id mentioned; I was like: Oh. I was walking up to the station.. I was talking to Liz about her moving, house. And I was like: You know what. I know its hard .Because basically, she had to move. Out of the Brixton, place. Because she. She didnt: she couldnt afford it on her own. So.And also probably because there are bad memories; and shit like that.. But. So basically.I was walking up to the station. And I was having a phone-call,
227

conversation with her. And she.And she..Went; I sort of; she asked me what I was; and I sort of said: I know its hard; but you gotta suck it up. And she was like: Did you just tell me to suck it up?! And I was like: .Yeah. .And.And.Basically. She.She asked me what I was doing. And I said: Oh. Im just gonna meet a a friend of my Uncleand Aun .Of my Uncle and Charlotte. she was like: Who!? And I was like: Just a friend. And she was like: Who are you meeting?! And I was like: Just a friend. .Because. She didnt want to have a relationship, so..You know; in my mind. You know. She, she was.. I didnt feel like I was doing anything wrong. But she got annoyed about it. Im pretty sure that was another reason that she; she got very angry at me all the time..And . And also, sorry; just: SIDENOTE: .And also. I said; once again, that she misjudged: As other people did. When we were; I was; The night that I was at the Brixton flat. I happened to mention that; there was a time that I thought; I thought that I was in love with Abby.. But anyway .So I met, Brooke. And. We went out. And we had a drink. And we sort of, got comfortable. And I went back to. I think I went back to hers that first nice. But anyway I; started; technically seeing her. And we used to, go out and, sort of walk the WesttheSouth Bank. And stuff like that. And. And then.

228

You know; for her birthday I didnt have any money. And so I wrote her a song. And she was really, really happy with it. And. And then we .And one day we.We decided to spend the day together. And we .Basically it was a really long day. Wewent to the Tate Modern. Or the national gallery or something like that. We had some pizza on South Bank. We had a couple of drinks. WeNo, sorry.No, sorry; we went to; it was really sunny. And we walked from Brockley to Nunhead. No, to Peckham; we walked from Brockley to Peckham. We went toThe Rye. The newly refurbished Rye: which looks awesome.. And we went out, outside. And we.We had wine. And it was very, very sunny. And we, and II talked to her aboutideas for films..Cause Ive got a lot of ideas for films. Like: Just generally. And she, shewas sort of interested in them.. And she talked about getting a production company. And sort of, just stuff like; whenever people get drunk and they, and you know there first seeing each other; theres always just nonsense being sort of gushed. And. And then we walked. We walked from; I think before that we went to; we had breakfast in Peckham: In Peckham Park. Andred the newspapers; and had breakfast. I think the night before wed got quite drunk. And. Of course she was paying for everything. Because I had no money; literally no money; and; I could barely afford rent.; or drugs. And. And we.And the after the Rye; we walk, we walked up to. We walked back to Nunhead. And we went to The Nuns Head. And we watched. Cause the Olympics; it was in the heat of the Olympics. And we.We walked up to. The: The Nuns Head. And wehad a couple more drinks. And. We had a debate about Obama. Cause she was saying how happyhappy she was. You know, how nice; and she said: And you just feel overcome with joy. Abouthow; what Obama; when Obama was elected. And I like: Noooo. I was very very You know. Im very; you know; I would have been more overcome with joy if hed stopped; if he, he hadnt escalated drone attacks. . And how; aboutwhat I though the problems were with political systems were. And stuff like that.. And, you know, she got angry. And as one point she was like: You know, I just loveI just love debating with you.

229

And. And then.And then basically.We walked.There was a pub that was; in Brockley there was a pub, just around the corner. Basically.That was,that was a good day. Now.A lot of the days that we spent; we got drunk. And. And Id made note of this. And. And she said that she was just a social drinker. And.And.And vice-versa and stuff like that. But. We went to a. We went out, for; we went out to Greenwich; once. We wentwe went to look at the. The Olympics thing in Greenwich; and it was a lovely day. And then we went back toThe Nuns Head and we had some food. And then we walk round the corner toBrockley; there was this really cool bar. And I; where before I had engraved LENA & MICHAEL 4EVA On a; I like doing that. I did it once atManchester Uniteds stadium. Just cause its funny; cause I like the idea that someones looking at it and thinking thats it was some petulant kid: but in fact its just me.... .And. And. And we.I mean, wed basically drunk a lot of red wine. And we were outside this place. And it was getting later and later. And it was dark. And it was Sunday evening. And. And all of a sudden, the shift, we got into a debate about something silly. Like.Id said that I didnt like Mock the Week; I thought that the comedy was too easy, and stuff like that. And sheput me on the spot. And she was like: Well, you know. What would you do on Mock the Week if you, if you had a chance. And I starteddoing it. And I realised immediately that I, I couldnt do it. I couldnt instantly come up with punch line gags; my brain does work like that. And so I got a bit annoyed. And. Id made a joke to these idiot kids, that wed seen a couple of times; there was this ginger kid with an afro, or something. And. I used the term gazebo instead of. Basically the problem with Lena was that she; the more I spent time with her; i realised that she. The age thing must have been a problem for her. Because; she kept; basically I remember once; I haveI have this pad where I write down words that; its like, to add to theword pad, you know; of words so that I can look them up. Andwhen she saw that she was like: Oh. Test me! .In her kitchen; we were in her kitchen.. And I was like: .Ok.
230

And I sort of did. And she got, quite a lot of them right. But just the idea that she wanted to be tested; was a bit weird.. Anyway; we were in this pub; in Brockley. And basically, this started over Ian Hislop. And we; and, but. And Id spent; at one point I was; I basically said: Look. I dont want. I wasnt. Theres nothing you can do or say that will offend me: Im not like that. And. I think she took that; and I said this early on. And I think; and we, we dated for a while. And. And, I took; and I think she took this as a sort ofchallenge. Because, whenever she got drunk she got very, very, very agonistic. And. And. And Id drunk a lot of wine. And I must have been quite irritable. And we started talking about Ian Hislop and stuff like that. But; and then I started talking about, Chris Morris. And how whilst he was good; he wasnt Amazing; you know; there were things that. Because; hes just not; hes very, very, very, funny; and a very, very talented artist. But I can imagine that he would ever say that he was the most; he was the amazing; you know, that he we would never be bettered: he wasnt like thesuperlative of.comedians. You know. .But. He.But anyway At one point; and then it all gets a bit blurry. And then at one point.. I was like: This is why I dont show myself to people! Because, you know And I was really, really quite really angry; I was like: I justyou know, because. I dont know, who it is, you, you; exactly you want me to be! . And she just looked at me, sort of; tilted her head; and really condescending said: Oh. Thats so sad! And I was just like: No.Just I was like: I have to leave. And so I got up and I was like: Sorry. I have to leave this place. And just left her.
231

And walked away. And then after about two minutes up the road I realised that; once the anger had subsided; I was, I was sort of; I realised that my bag was at her house. And it was rude. And I felt really, really guilty. And so.And I didnt know where the fuck I was. And so I walked. I sort of wandered the streets for a bit. And then I happened to see her, talking. And. And I went up to her. And I was like: Im sorry. And she was crying. And. And we.And I was like: Im sorry. And she was like: Dont wanna. Just dont. And. And we went back to her house. And.And And we were at the dinner table. And she was weeping. And she was. And I was sort of like: This is good. Just sort of; tell me what youre feeling. And stuff like that. And. And.And she was like: Its just not fair. I dont understand. Why, this keeps happening to me. And. A.You know. And she; sort of; Talked a lot about her, her husband; and. And just stuff like that. And. . We just talked about how; how hard it was just to live; and how lonely everything was. And It was quite nice really. Because I thought we were finally talking about; finally I was talking about something, with someone; that meant something. And. And then we had a bit more wine.. And then we; shes smoked a lot. She; I always rolled her cigarettes. And she always smoked a lot when I was with her. And. We went; we went to bed. And she.And she gave me head. And then we had sex. And. And. And we fell asleep. And. And in the morning I woke up. And she was very, very cold. And. And it was horrible actually.. It was really. She, she of; she was embarrassed. Or she was annoyed at me, and; whereas I thought wed; wed,

232

continued and resolved it. She hadnt got passed the fact that Id left her. And she was saying: Its just rude. You left me to pay for everything. .And. And it was really sort of. I felt that she was; she was embarrassed that shed shown something to me that she didnt want to show: Which is silly. Cause: you should never be embarrassed about being honest. And. Anyway I saw her a couple of more times. And. I went back to hers that night. And I was. Causes I really, really felt; I wanted to sort of straighten things out with her. And. But she.She was really cold; and distant. And we were; we were planning to go away for my birthday. We were playing to go to sort of, to the West Country. And sort of; she was like: You can write. And I can cook. And itll be lovely. But.She decided against that.. And. And. I just got annoyed; and I spent .And then that night we watched a film. And I spent very; I felt very disconnected. And I went to bed early. And. And I was lying in bed with her. And. And I hadnt; I really havent felt as lonely, in a long time. You know like; even on my own Id felt less lonely. It just being with another body.. Cause the thing is. What Ive found is. This is why I find it very hard. Intellect is one thing. But when youre with someone; it doesnt matter who it is. There this very much this, physical presence with you. And its; much like I assume with like mating, and animals and stuff like that. And; its just like: youre mate. Shes youre mate. And. And a lot of it isnt; I dont think its; a lot of it, you, you cant intellectualise. I think the problem; the problem with this species is the f: is consciousness. You know; well be happily; wed be fine if, if we didnt have to think about stuff. Because its when you, intellect; its when intelligence comes into the f, into the fold, that; you know, comes into the picture; that, that things really start becoming difficult. Because more than anything, whenever Im with anyone.I just; and I remember: Her body was so lovely. And. And skin and stuff; it was so, she was so; mature. And I loved it, and like. I felt; very.You know, I had; I felt an affinity with her. I felt like Id met someone who; maybe. I thought: Well maybe Im like a forty year old trapped inside a Twenty-Seven year old body. .Cause I dont feel this young..I dont feel this new.. You know; and, she was. She was, sort of; aged, and sort of weathered. And. And it was just. And I.And I used to, she used to cuddle. And I love cu.And we
233

were close and just like entwined. And we were: a mesh; a mesh of flesh. And she had a lovely smell. And. And when I was lying there like; and I was next to her but just completely alone. And it was the most horrible thing. And I just; I realised that I couldnt. I had to; as soon as I left; I couldnt got back. And I had to just. I couldnt. I couldnt really do it. And. And so he had a little break. .And I went home. And I had my birthday. And I was Twenty-Seven. Twenty Six; sorry. Im Twenty-six. .And.And basically wed planned; shed planned to take me for a meal, for my birthday. And she emailed me at work; when I had got back. And.Basically; me and Sam; Id had this idea that I wanted to do with Sam; that day. Id wrote it; I had this idea and I wrote it. Its called: Whats the Difference; about two people sitting in a flat. And one of them decides that they want to quit their job; the other one sort ofasks him questions that he doesnt really know the answers to. And.And I really wanted to film it. Because it needed to be quick; otherwise it wouldnt get done. And I just said to her: Look.can we re-arrange? Because:I really want to do this filming with Sam. And.And she.And she knew that I was; I wanted to do this stuff; and my blog. And stuff like that. And shed seen it. And. And anyway; she just responded; she came back with: Sure. I think this thing has run its course anyway. Ta, Ta.

234

235

Interview Ok. Im going to go into the next room now. If youd like to wait a few moments and then dial the extension on the top of the sheet of paper, and once I answer, you can begin reading from the scriptI myself will be in character.What we are looking for is energy, enthusiasm; and, above all, a confident telephone manner. The interviewer had told me his name at the beginning of the interview but I hadnt bothered to remember it, which was good, as he would be in character when I spoke to him next, and the idea of having to remember two names for the same person was a dreadful daunting prospect especially considering I had failed at the comparatively simple task of remembering one name. But as luck would have it, the name I would refer to the interviewer by was written on the sheet of paper that lay on the table -similar in size to a school desk, sans inkwell - next to a telephone unit that was so dull, and common place amongst the offices I had frequented in recent weeks, that I am stultified in recollecting it. After about 7 moments, I lifted the prosaic receiver and punched the numbers 5,7,3,8 into the telephone unit, as my eyes readied themselves on the first line of the script sheet. (H)ello. The voice on the other end said the greetings initial being unarticulated by the interviewer seemingly chomping on a toffee of some sort (I had taken note of the breast pocket of his shirt being disfigured by a goodly amount of the confectionary at the first stage of the interview, having deemed absurd the idea that the pocket contained a vast amount of imperials mints). Hi I said, reading from the script, and taking a moment before realising it was the first time I had ever used the abbreviation as a greeting though I had used its homophone a number of time with regards my state of mind (irrelevant s(b)s) before continuing. May I speak to Mr Baines plea-?
236

-can, the interviewer (who I shall from this moment refer to as Baines[1]) interrupted. Excuse me? I replied. The line is: can I speak to Mr/Miss Baines please. Baines clarified though it did take me a while to discern what it was he had actually said. OhI didnt realiseI justI always choose to say may I, over ca- -just start again and stick to the script. And with that Baines hung up. After a somewhat anxious few moments I dialled the extension again, and proceeded. Hello. Baines answered. Hi, can I speak to Mr/Miss Baines plea- -either/or Baines interjected. Excuse me? I replied. Either Mr or Miss, depending on who answers. Baines replied, whilst in the background I could clearly hear him opening another toffee, wondering to myself what specific brand of toffee he was enjoying. But I thought you told me to f-follow the script exactly, exactlybut you have to pick when it come words divided by strokes, else the calling will know you are reading from a script. Baines said, before hanging up. I dialled the extension for a third time. Hello. Baines answered. Hi, can I speak to Mr Bain- Mrs Baines, Baines interrupted. huh? I said, by now completely bemused. I was a woman that time, you should be more perceptiveMy characters voice was slightly rais- -With all respect Mr Bain- Miss Baines interjected.

237

With all due respect Mrs Baines.It is hard to discern from you speech your exact gender, due to the fact that are quite clearly chewing a toffee sweet of some kind, thought I cannot be sure of the specific bra- Please try not to break character Baines interjected. You broke character first I mewled. If I broke character, why continue to call me Baines? Baines enquired. I had no answer to this, and hung up. [1] Due in equal parts to the facts that it was a) the interviewers characters actual name, and b) because it brings forth, certainly to my mind, the image of Thomas Hardy - which I find most agreeable.

238

Infernal Recurrence: Life Cycles of the 21st Century You are gestated; birthed; developed through education until your government can discern how much you are to earn; your credit is amended depending upon the economic conditions of the time; and you spend your lives busied by fashionable consumption, until your molecular constituents begin to revert to their natural state of disorder, and you are slowly extinguished enjoy :)

239

Romance Tell me something youve never told anyone before The couple laid entwining in fatigued, lackadaisically repose; their countenances flushed with a rouge hue. She rested on his chest; her head rising and falling in unison with his regulated breathing. He kissed the top of her head and waited for her to respond. After a few moment of tranquillity she rose from his chest and look at up him coyly. You first she replied, as she softly looked upon her lover in timid expectation. He flashed a grin and became pensive for a moment as she continued to look on tenderly. Ok he gently said, repositioned himself on the bed, bringing himself down to her level, and resting his head on his arched arm. I love you he uttered soft and confidently, brushing the few dampened strands of hair that clung to her forehead which scintillated with beads of perspiration. She blushed and looked away as a smile spread across her delicate, piqued features, and he loved her even more. Your turn he said, as he moved his head, locking onto her gaze, and pulling her magnetically back to his own. I cant she said solemnly, averting her gaze once more. Why not? he urbanely enquired, as he stroked the small of her back lightly, sending a tremor of pleasure down her spine and making her arch forward in reaction; her lungs full; her chest momentarily burly; before exhaling mellifluously. I told you he playfully mewled, and in a single slow soft fluid motion, retraced his steps up her spin, curving over her shoulder blades and down her chest, stopping just past her navel. Cut it outthat tickles. She giggled.

240

Do you not love me? he inquired, studying her countenance acutely for signals that she would unconsciously divulge. Her demeanour immediately changed, and she smiled demurely; exuding gentility as she spoke: Of course I do. He blushed, and they embraced. He kissed her gently on the mouth and caressed her stomach whilst she let out a tender sigh. Then why cant you say it? he pressed, as their embrace gathered momentum, and he began kissing her neck - tracing the line his fingers had etched on her body with his mouth. She relaxed onto the bed, as he ventured towards her naval, incrementally planting kisses on her responsive skin. You she began her utterance quelled by the spasmodic pleasure that has seized her body: she let out unabashed groan. You told me to tell you something I had never told anyone before, she exhaled, before her body gave in fully to the pleasure that was beginning to stir within her. She began to utter sporadic carnal lamentations whilst softly stroking his hair, and he loved her even more.

241

An Other Modest Proposal by Benot Pronto With the ban on foie gras coming into effect in the state of California, one feels as one would hope anyone with a predisposition for culinary delights would feel that if something is not done by the sensible reactionaries of this world, we will be forced to concede all manner of opulence acquired over centuries of toil that has made us the wonderfully noble species waddling atop this planet; riddled with diabetes, acid reflux, Irritable bowel syndrome, colon cancer, heart disease, strokes, congestive heart failures, enlarged hearts, cor pulmonales[1], and (most deliciously (he, he)) fatty liver disease. With this in mind, one feels that a change is needed. (I understand that change is not a word reactionaries much care for, but please bear with me; the C word should not be understand as anything other than if one would follow me down this metaphorical digression a diversion in a journey that a passenger may be aware, but takes no notice, of; not paying attention to the route travelled, but simply indulges in revelry until reaching the destination.) This change or digression, if you will (he, he) will involve a confrontation as to the problems relating to the preparation of said foie gras (translated fat liver one is constantly amazed as how the French language can make even the most matter of fact appellation sound most romantic! this maybe why they are so successful with the ladies even the name Bernard sounds better in French!). As the reader is no doubt aware being that my articles are often reblogged on a number of the prestigious appiphilic sites across the web (such as: TFI Foodday; Eat it, Bitch!; Sati-8-me; and (most notably) Ten Weekly Ways to Prevent Wasting Away: A Bic Blunder Blog) gavage[2] based foie gras is a somewhat controversial subject amongst the left (or as I, along with a number of my simpaticos like to jest, the wrong! (he, he)); due, in my opinion, in the equal parts to, misinformation as to how delicious
242

it actual is (no doubt because their taste-buds have been irreversible damaged by reefer), and the extreme pleasure that they no doubt take from complaining about the various plights of the world. This is duefrom what I could discern from the limited amount of reading I did on Carl Fraud (I once dated a girl who had a number of his books on the shelf above her bed, and would often find myself skimming blurbs and content when I was throatfucking her and wanted to quell the burgeoning organism her gags were producing); this is due to the fact that they had been weaned off breast feeding far too early). The left seem to have a problem with the way in which we go about created the foie gras they seem not to have a problem with the gras, or the foie, but the gavage (see picture below).

Now, regardless of what I believe to be the propaganda of such pictures (I myself have seen a number of pictures portraying quite humane gavage; with happy and aesthetically pleasing ducks. (Even the most sceptical of people who have to concede that the above duck isnt a particular looker if fact, he was probably one of the ducklings that made fun of the ugly duckling and is now, rightfully, getting his comeuppance (he, he)). No, regardless of this shamefully propaganda (I mean, even I find myself sympathising with the animal), one forgets what this necessary procedure produces (see below)

243

Looks like gold, doesnt it! With the ban in California coming into effect, I have been inundated with emails by fellow bon vivants (thats good living in French, if you wanted to know! Actually it would be good livings its plural form which, I think youd agree, perfectly sums up our demographic, and, in fact, I suppose the one follows from the other, or, should I say, the other follows from the one our good livings affords our good living (he, he). These sensible, caring souls (And they do care I can assure you. The charge by those who deem them uncaring is fallacious. They care a great deal they care about fine cuisine and good company. And one feels that a charge of uncaring could be brought against those who do not care about these things: One mustnt judge unless one is judging viands). These emailic lamentations, send to myself by the Amethyst Bamboo salts of the earth, fear that now California has joined the likes of the Czech Republic, Denmark, Finland, Germany, Italy, Luxembourg, Norway, Poland, Ireland, Switzerland, The Netherlands (Holland), and the United Kingdom, in banning the preparation of this most delicious of gras, that it will not be long before it is all together banned and those of us who wish to taste this most ambrosial of foods will have to resort to a clandestine and surreptitious acquisition of said food in a manner of illegally befitting a Negroed or Mexican! They are right to be concerned. So my proposal is this: if, as I have been made to believe, the problem with the preparation of foie gras has to do with the way in
244

which these poor animals (for the do not possess wherewithal nor any mean to acquire such) are fed a controlled amount of feed, typically administered using a funnel fitting with a long tube, that is 20-30cm in length, which forces the feed into the animals oesophagus, incrementally increasing the amount of feed from a dry weight of 250 grams (9 Oz) per day, to up to 1,000 grams (35 Oz) by the end of a procedure that takes 12 to 15 days for ducks (15 to 18 days for geese). If this is the problem that the pot smoking, Obama-loving (is he not currently collateral damaging afghan civilians with drone attacks?!) hipster-hippy merdes (that is French for-) have, that would prevent us enjoying this most delectable of delicacies, then my suggestion; my modest proposal; is this Let us simply transfer the process of fattening the liver of these poor, defenceless animals; let us take his process that the left (and anyone who owns a pet and projects onto them a misguided anthropomorphism believing them to possess feelings like the feelings that you and I most definitely DO possess); let us take this process, this process of gavage; let us (to conjure up, once again the metaphorically digression) divert our route, only a little, sos we may reach our destination (the destination of opulent satiety) in a manner that would render all the complaints of those who believe we are needlessly harming innocent animal to satisfy our own insatiable greed and gluttony, void. Let us, with noble heart; in the name of progress; do what needs to be done. Let us, without compunction, do what is the only logical conclusion to this whole needless complex topic: gavage the criminals: the rapists; paedophiles; embezzlers; traitors to the crown; the tax evaders; filicides; sodomites; pederasts; the homosexuals (who do not cook); the philistines; and the mentally retarded all of whom are in possession of the opposable thumbs and dexterity needed to sign consent forms. Problem solved.

[1] The failure of the right side of the heart brought on by longterm high blood pressure in the pulmonary arteries and right ventricle of the heart. [2] Introduction of nutritive material into the stomach by means of a tube
245

Clarence

I Clarence slides in the club as the bouncer is dealing with a fellow missing all but a few of his shirt buttons who is sicking into a friends coat. He sees a redhead who stands without a chaperone at the end of the bar. He approaches her: Whats a young thing like you doing out this late? Clarence asks the redhead. I see no reason to leave, the redhead responds. Youve just seen one, Clarence replies. II The redhead is called Molly but Clarence calls her Red. Red is an actress who works as an administrator she is extremely depressed. After a time the two leave the bar. III Clarence lives alone and is well prepared to receive guests: What do you do? Red asks, as Clarence dims the lights and spins a smooth jazz no. I motivate people to achieve their full potential Clarence says, kissing Red firmly on the mouth as the two fall upon the bed.

246

IV The intercourse is a tremendous success. Afterwards the two lay entwined and discuss their respective lives: Im just so very bored says Clarence. So am I Red concurs. I gotta go says Clarence. Why? Red asks. I cant get too attached; it will hurt too much when you leave says Clarence. Youre leaving me Red notes. Then you understand replies Clarence. V Red sits alone in Clarences apartment pondering his depth. Fin

247

Lecky I journeyed to see a friend the other day, and on route an event transpired that I cannot cease thinking about. My friend and I have made plans to spend a Sunday afternoon together, and as the Wimbledon final was on the television, and the British summer was in full swing and by that I mean it was pissing rain we decide to hold up in her apartment drinking sparklingly rose. I had bought the wine from a metro and crammed into a shoulder bag that was bursting with superfluous books, along with a new little oxford dictionary that my mother has purchased from a car boot sale and was thus no longer deserving of the adjective new. I caught a train from Streatham Hill changing at Crystal Palace with Brockley as my destination. I waited in an overground train carriage at Palace with a number of heterogeneous passengers. Amongst the variety sat a Black Vicenarian and a white Quadriagenarian. The Black Vicenarian sat to my right and spoke verbiage in thick Jamaican slang at his mobile telephone. From what I could discern from the conversation he was conversing on the topic of relationships. I had nothing in common with him, but he seemed nice enough, and from what I could understand of his argument on the matter, he seemed a genuine fellow and I wished him no ill. The white Quadriagenarian was typically disagreeable. She sat opposite me emitting sporadically tisks and tutts; trying all the while to catch my eye in a desperate attempt to validate her disapproval. After a few moments, I folded back the page of the book that I had been failing to read, due in part to the noise of the Vicenarian, along with my interest in his sonorous and incomprehensible dialogue calmly asked the Quadriagenarian if she would mind kindly ceasing her alveolar clucking as it was impairing my understanding of Heller.

248

Upon arriving at Brockley I crossed a bridge and narrowly avoided some vomit: This was I would later find out to be a portent of things to come. About midway through my journey up a long stretch of road that connected vomit to tennis and rose I approached a dinky little roundabout. In the centre of the roundabout stood a woman who was trying her best to flag down a car as it approach. She was unsuccessful in her attempt to do so, and as it slowly pulled away from her and heading towards my direction, the woman turn along with it and as it sped off she caught my gaze. She was sobbing. I continued on course for even though my initial reaction when seeing anything out of the ordinary is one of atavistic fear, I felt no need to contradict Newton second law; and remained in uniform motion toward the bourgeoning force that was soon to act upon me The force being, in this instance, a crack addict. She tearfully apologised if she had seen me before; which she believed she had, but in fact had not and I, not, in fact, believing that she actually believed she had seen me before, but rather believed that she believe there a possibility of it being the case and, quite rightly, did not want to get off on the wrong foot if it was the case, which is wasnt and held out her hand which I remember quite vividly had in the palm a single pound coin that stood out from the shrapnel that surrounded it, and told me of her woes. She had no money, she said. She had not money, and I believed that she was telling the truth. She needed money for the gas and electric as she had a child at home that had turned blue and believed gas and electric would do it some good. I believed she had a child at home because, open making the claim she took out her lactating breast in the middle of the street and showed it to me. I looked away as I was afraid it would arouse some carnal desire to take advantage of her wretchedness. She spoke all the time sobbing a foam from out of the side of her mouth that I was afraid would get into my blood stream and infect me with the pity that seemed to permeate her being. She said that lost a child a couple of weeks ago and spoke of suicidal thoughts. She asked me if I had any money to give her. I told her that I could only spare change. She asked me if I could pay by card, and invited my back to her house to confirm the stories veracity. I grew fearful. I thought there a chance she might use my good nature to take advantage of me; that is to say, that she might
249

take advantage of my good nature. I did not want to be raped by a crack addict that lay in hiding in a dilapidated council house. I often perfunctory and dipped into my bag, passed the bottles of rose, into an inner compartment that held my loose change. She glance inside, and when I pulled out the money that I was to give her she spotting the small black book: And you call yourself a Christian. You, with your bible she lamented, before turning away and running down the street sobbing. The only thing I could think to say was that it wasnt a bible; it was a dictionary.

250

The Gay Dog I have until very recently been suffering from an intense bout of depression that only differed from the usually ebb and flow of the bipolar chemical imbalance of the chic modern artist in that I can no longer afford the sufficient amount of inebriants needed to make each moment of such resolute sadness spellbinding. As a result I found myself simply a tad more productive within the workplace and less inclined to attempting eye contact with colleagues , which no one seemed to mind; least of all my superiors who took me to be simply getting my head down. This introverted spell lasted for no more than a week but did unfortunately eat unto a weekend, in which on the back of a week engrossed in Korean cinema I failed in an attempt to watch Chan Wook Parks Thirst (being that he has a tendency to make wonderful but overlong and essentially flawed pictures), and instead opted to screen Charles Fergusons Inside Job for the second time, causing a state of one would assume subconsciously desired apoplectic rage to be obtained, whilst dossing on the sofa in my family home in, what I now believe to be an act of misguided, petulant and somewhat anachronistic teenage rebellion (being that I am nearing 30!). I eventual change in temperament occurred, as is often the case, when I successfully created something that made me once again feel that I had at least some control in at least some facet of my life namely the artistic control that only failed artist possess; or artist in possession of what I believe to be or at least what I would define as true genius: That is to say the control of undiluted vision. (I do not want to dwell too much on this point, as the idea it has only this moment began to ferment within my mind and I would not do it justice if indeed there is any truth for to be justified). Regardless of this digression, what is important is that I wrote a song, though it pleasant (it was written for a friend in lieu of a gift being at I am perpetually poor; and growing somewhat
251

accustomed to it (to spin a line of Audens); and it is listen to this song with this aforementioned friend as I stroked her hair and gazed out of her window that frame an august evening that had crept in throughout the day and made itself apparent at that particular timeAt that particular point in time. It was at this time that I began to feel the maniacal energy that often succeeds an episode of depression begin to relent and a tranquil peace come over me. (I was, incidentally, one my second beer of the evening, which, one could concede, had helped matters somewhat; but that would be simple conjecture.) And, happy both she and Iwith the gift that I had given, we meandered up to a park that was of close proximity, with a cool bag full of ice and cider, to sit and watch the freakswe were not disappointed. The park we sat in was atop a hill and, as such, overlooked a view of London that, I was told, was Elephant and Castle though it could have been any area around London, being that wherever one looks, agnate monolithic monstrosities seem to erupt from the ground like a plethora of strap-on armoured bull-dykes laid supine; all alike in there modernistic hedonism. I dont like the city; everything moves to fast, and people are, I think, less reflective that is warranted; and I missed the country and nature and long for the sound of birds chirping in unison with my own song; and now am forced to hear intellectually impoverished children express their acrimony by dully thudding their heads against the brick wall of my building which causes my unsealed window to rattle; disturbing me in my attempt to lead an atomised existence! Anyway, I was happy enough in the park in which I sat with my friend as we drank cider and discussed in a somewhat blissed fatigue the possibility going away together to the country and engaging in all manner of bucolic splendour as I rolled her cigarettes; when the picnic bench to which we sat was all of a sudden infested with a pack of heterogeneous and somewhat mangy dogs, followed by two quite similarly shabby owners. One of the ownersan old man who story seemed far too sad for me even begin elaborating on; who sat down on the bench opposite our own and listened to jazz from a portable radio seemed to be responsible for all but one of the dogs in questions. The other owner was an elderly looking women, clad in pink; seemingly a punk; with a partly shaven head (similar in appearance to someone in the midst of a severe case of alopeciaif not
252

somewhat more contrived); saddled up next to our own bench; placing one of her doc martins on the benches seat whilst resting her elbow on her own knee in the manner befitting that of futuristic cyberpunk rancher; making my friend immediately anxious and immediately alert. The Aging pink punk muttered something to no one in particular and I discerned from her inflection that of a bastardised Irish accent: A pike I thought. The Pink pikes dog was a sight to behold! If Mike Leigh was seeking a grubby pikey mutt for six months of improvised rehearsal then his eyes would have lit up at the sight of this bastard. Whilst the other dogs fanned out about the vicinity of their owner, sitting dangly his legs off the end of the picnic table listening to his portable radio like a child, I spotted the mutt attempt to mount one of the large dogs of the pack, who quickly brushed off this advances. The sex of the recipient of the mount I, at first, assumed to be female, and as such there was nothing particularly novel about the action I have grown up around dogs and am not unfamiliar with the fact lipstick is inclined to pop out every now and then. However, what happened next was novel at least from my experience. The pikey mutt, having had his advances spurned; attempted a manoeuvre whereby he did giddily band into the coy dog whilst cheekily lapping at the tip of, what I could now see was the male dog, penis; before banding back before the bemused dog had a chance to recoil. The pikey dog then turned in circles in what seems a state of utter euphoria whilst a liquid discharged out of his own member like a revolving sprinkler system you might see moistening an American lawn. After a short time the sad old jazz man rounded up his filial pups and not long after the pink pike and her own horny hound ventured further afield, leaving my friend and I along once more, to ponder what we had just witnessed. After much meditation of the matter I come to the below conclusion: The phenomena that my friend and I witnessed in the park that day can be explained in one of two ways: Firstly, the dogs actions can be understood in terms of evolutionary biologys theory of reciprocitywhereby, cooperative or altruistic behaviour may be favoured by the probability of future interactions; that is to say, the pike mutt was simply performing an act that he himself wished to receive.
253

Secondly; the dogs actions could be understood in simpler atavistic terms of pleasure maximisationwhereby, he strived to achieve the maximum amount of pleasure at that given time; simply taking into account the means in which to achieving such pleasure it this instance, the pleasure to be received was, incidentally, from a member of the same sex. In much the same way Michael Fassbender did in the movie Shame. I do not believe the character Fassbender portrayed in that movie to be gay; nor do I believe the pike dog was gay just because he sucked another dog off. I guess both are just horny Irish mutts. I dunno.

254

Annual Leave I just dont like how much fun theyre all having Its just because everything is still really new to them You mean theyre slow learners Exactly! . And off I go! Platform An Empty to depot scrolling message impairs my view of a poster on the opposing platform. It reads: His Little Girl is Being Murdered: One birthday at a time. This seems to me, when coupled, a very stupid set of statements. It is the new novel from the no.1 bestselling author Stuart MacBride. I have never heard of him. The book is called Birthdays for the Dead and the front cover holds a little girl with her back to us as she walks further into the wilderness. I am reminded of Dont Look Now. What would be the point of reading a book like this, I wonder? A train approaches five minutes later. It is three minutes late, but it doesnt matter. I do not have a connecting train to catch; there is no where I am supposed to be. As the train approaches I am reminded that it is a weekday; the train is brimming with drudgers. A conversation I had with myself just a minute ago.

255

Train I stand hunched next to one of the doors. A youth exclaims: That is Mad! It was stupid!! He shouldnt have wore it to Lewisham!!! It is three minutes to ten. A woman across from me speaks to her doctor. She can do any day other than Thursday. She gets off of the train at Balham. We are now approaching Wandsworth Common is automated across the Public Address System. The sun comes out. I wonder if the window fitter who I left in the house has stolen anything yet? Or worse, found the weed! A seat! There is a shortlist magazine left on the chair next to me Bruce Willis points a gun at my thigh. FIGHT YOUR PAST. Friday I agree. If it came down to it I would face my future and fight my past, as Im pretty sure I could beat the shit out of my past and resign myself to the fact that I would get my ass kicked by the future. If I was a villain I would take Battersea Power Station as my fortress. I need tea! Victoria SERIES THE BRAND NEW SMEGGING FACE THE FUTURE. I n Cinemas

Starts Thursday 4th October 9pm exclusively on DAVE Red Dwarf X: So very tired again with the Smegma!
256

The Bread Box does the best tea, but they always look inconvenienced when I pay by card like a bus driver; perpetually inconvenienced. Hard currency is an outdated concept Id say. But theyre always foreign or dont care. Success! The woman oystered the transaction. Now I dont even have to remember a pin number. Im going underground. Underground A husband mops up hot chocolate spilt on his wifes burka he appears apologetic. Victoria-St. James ParkWestminster Charing X -The Kiosk at Embankment seems to me to be particularly dystopian. Embankment I walk out to Embankment place to a conversation that the pink pansy flower lady is having with a customer: It was the English that was the worst. I can only assume she means grammatically A UNICEF chugger informs me that I could save a child with a phone; I told him that I didnt own a phone. A homeless man scuttles past like the fisher king, selling big issues. I really need a piss! I trouser the peace in case my bag is searched. The National Gallery Urinate.
257

Left at the stairs died 1534) Correggio (active 1494;

Christ presented to the people [Ecco Homo] 1525-30 swoons. The virgin

I am a massive fan of breasts on canvas. I find them deeply erotic. A Muslim man with a stylized goatee it languished in a chair in an empty hall. I can imagine the gallery has, for him, lost all of it novelty. A prosaic telephone sits on a table atop three red binders, reminding me of an old British Telecom advertisement. 1540) 1518 Rosso Fiorentino (1494Portrait of a young man holding a letter

The young man could well be Aaron Taylor-Johnson, or at a pinch, Lennon himself. There are schoolgirls about, although I am not aroused. I suppose it is because they are missing the prosthetic breasts and vacuous holes of the ones I am used to seeing. I have never seen a porno shot in a museum. Idea for series: Porno scenes in Places of Pensivitiy. Dirty talk to include: Quiet down bitch, this is a place of learning! Blowjob Library Scene. Could I become a transsexual just to bag a sugar-daddy? I do find the idea of not working very arousing, but could I convert that energy into gob-jobs? I just dont know. Meindert Hobbema (1638-1709) The usual composition with its emphasis on the receding roads flanked by slender trees There is a woman waiting up the road, shouldering a hunting rifle, with a hunting hound at her side. I am reminded of Julie Christie.
258

An Allegory of Prudence: Three faces representing past, present and future coupled with a triple headed wolf, lion dog. Latin inscription reads: [Learning] from yesterday, todays acts prudently, lest by his actions he spoils tomorrow. Looking at the plethora of paintings concerning Your Lord Jesus Christ, I am left with the niggling feeling that something simply does not add up his beard is never portrayed with any consistency. In some he has a thickset Grizzly Adams, but in another one he has a ginger Jihad beard Christ wasnt an Arab, was he?! National Gallery Gift Shop Oh, the tat! A giant erasure with a London bus on it: 3.75. I wonder if any of this was made by Hasbro (I read that they took a hit on the stock exchange. Good!) Steal like an artist New York Times Bestseller. Isnt that a contraction? If it really was that inspirational it wouldnt have been bought by anyone: they would have just stolen it. Thornback & Peel Hand printed tea towels. Literally a pigeon on a bowler hat: 12.50. Conclusion: the only thing this place sells that is of any practical use is umbrellas 20.00. I exit the National Gallery as sunlight breaks through the clouds, and sit atop a wall to bask in the tranquillity of the congested road the sound of passers-bys engines vibrate sonorously; badly maintained break-pads gentle squeak and realise that I have just sat on the J that I had trousered, and wonder where to spark up the now pancaked peace. I head down

259

Pall Mall East. Perhaps I should ask the Big Bus tour guide if he knows of a good place to spark a J? I want caffeine! Theatre Royal Haymarket: One Man, Two Governors ***** The funniest show in the Western World Daily Mail I wonder what, according to the Daily Mail, that funniest show in the Eastern World would be. SPAR OFFER: 1 Diet Coke 1.65, 2 Diet Coke 1:50 I am not certain, but Im pretty sure Im getting a good deal here. Alan Ayckbournes A Chorus Of Disapproval Directed by Trevor Nunn is playing at the Harold Pinter Theatre. At first I thought A Chorus of Disapproval was a quote from the review of the play by Trevor Nunn. No doubt the play deals with such themes. Rob Brydon grew a beard for the role; Nigel Harman grew mediocre as well, so I am being overall harsh I dont like plays; I dont particularly like Brydon either. Leicester Square There is a ping pong table in the centre of Leicester Square with a single paddle and no ball. I think it is an installation it is funded by the national lottery that represents the modern atomisation of the individual. Albert Grant Esq Memorial has its back to the installation. There is no darkness only ignorance Hes dead now seems he was ignorant of that darkness. Zing! People who walk on walls along with any and all elevation surfaces are awesome. I include myself in this prestigious category. It is 12 noon. Teddy-bears picnic chimes from the giant novelty clock that is sandwiched between Angus Steak House and M&M world it really is quite shrill!
260

There is a guy wearing brown boots, black shredded skinnys; green boxer shorts that have black silhouetted sunglasses on them collect in a bunch around his midriff; and what looks like Muppet skin under a sleeveless denim jacket. He smokes a cigarette and wears pink sunglasses and stands listening to the clock drone the tune of What Shall We Do with a Drunken Sailor. I hope he gets mugged or clipped by a Big-Bus does that make me a misanthrope? La Reve Cabaret Grande Spectacular: Grazia A carnival of jazz aged splendour

I feel a sudden overwhelming urge to look at toys.

London Trocadero Having a penny pressed sounds like an old school euphemism for a sex act of some kind: Press your penny, Govnr? Before Fifty Shades of Grey, there wasStory of O by Pauline Reuge Before Fifty Shades of Grey, there wasonly a medical need for forceps. Garrarufaspa.com 15 minutes 10; 30 minutes 18. The assistant sits talking on her phone. There are no customers. I wonder if her clientele have been made aware of the fact that the removal of dead skin by means of gnawing fish in a communal forum carries with it an increased risk of infection and disease. Perhaps they are all at work. The HMV game-station has in it a single person surfing the internet as the attendant does the same behind her booth. It has the tone and lighting of the Galactic Cantina but lacks the vivacity. Time to leave, I think. This place has the nostalgic properties of a childhood memory and is as open to interpretation: I dont think it has aged well.

261

Green-Peace: reminds me that I have yet to smoke. All Chuggers have the same demeanour: happy feckless idiots, one and all. I want to see a surly chugger yelling apocalyptic charges at people who ignore them:
YOU THINK I WANT TO STAND HERE DAY? I DO IT FOR POSTERITY! AND F YOU KEEP BLOWING SMOKE INTO MY FACE ILL CHIN YA, MY BODYS A TEMPLE AND YOURE TRESPASSING, YOU CUNT!

A surly apocalyptic cockney chugger Busby F Humblebee: Cockney Chugger! I still think Taken 2 should have been called Taken 2: Took I wonder how long until we see a heroine riding a Boris bike in an English rom-com? I wander back up to the National Gallery, passing the Big Bus tour guide and see for the first time his face. A bunch of studded shite: he looks like a German raver I bet he would know a good place to spark up this J but I do not want to have the stereotype unconfirmed so I wander onwards. I smoke the peace in Trafalgar Square whilst trying to get into the background of other peoples photos, as the sun break through the clouds once more; and I once more regret wearing a coat. A sign reads: PIDGENS DO NOT FEED THE

And hungry tourists wander about the square in search of food. A police officer sits atop a motorcycle, mirroring the pose of a statued admiral. As the drug kicks in I realise I am still a tourist in this city. I pass a horse. Next to the horse there is a sign. The sign reads: kick or bite BEWARE: Horses may

The sign thanks me for inferring that the person the horses may be kicking and biting might be my person.
262

I steer clear of the horse. I meander. You stay there.

263

Waiting As for back as I can recall, I have always been waiting. I was at first unaware that I was waiting and, as such, was not. Then and I cannot recall how I came upon it became aware that I was to wait. It was not the first instance; but I remember waiting to make tea. I could not make tea at this point and had to wait. I had to wait to be deemed responsible enough to make tea, and waited to be deemed responsible; waiting covetously to make tea (not even for myself, as I had yet developed the taste for it; I waited for the opportunity to make others tea; I waited to serve). Once I was deem the appropriate age to deal with the trapping associated with boiled water, I quickly tired of the task; and diverted my imaginings to the plethora of tasks that I still yet waited for. When I was at school I often waited for the end of the day, then the end of the week, the end of the term, the end of the year. Then I began waiting for the end of school; Then the end of sixth form; Then the end of University. I must confess that I have often been so fond of waiting that I missed most other activities. Once University had ended, and I had finished my preparation, I had nothing to wait for but continued to wait regardless It is a strange feeling: waiting. At the optimistic end of my thought spectrum, I often think that I am waiting for my life to begin. When I am feeling low (as I now so feel low) I realise (or think) that I am not waiting for my life to begin as my life has already begun (it begun some 26 years ago) and that if I am waiting for anything then the only that I could be waiting for is my death (as

264

death has yet to happen and, as such, is something, by logical necessity, I am still waiting for). I keep having a recurring dream that I believe must be a portent of some kind: I am walking at towards the sea. The tide is out. My feet feel water. I continue to walk. I continue to walk until I am immersed in water and I feel a force pushing back against me at an ever greater intensity. I tread water as it become harder to keep my feet on the sea bed. My clothes become heavier as I continue to walk. At the point where the decision whether to continue to walk on the sea bad or allow the natural inclination to keep my head above water approaches I make no decision. Sometimes I succeed in keeping my feet on the sea bed; sometimes I am forced to the surface by the pockets of air that are trapped in my clothes. I dont know where I am going in the dream, but I feel safer suffocating on the sea bed as I march forward: I feel in control of the situation. Whenever I float to the surface I hear a voice that I believe is my own but scares me nonetheless the voice is slow and mocking and feels me with a nightmarish fear that last several hours afterwards. If I was that way inclined I would tend towards the belief that the voice was a daemon of some kind. If the daemon could be seen I would be less inclined towards fear. I only fear what I do not see. I only fear what I hear but do not see. I think I am capable of terrible things. I think maybe that is what I am waiting for. There is death regardless.

265

Anhedonia: A Place in Indonesia? My soul is sick. Or at least it would be if I believed in the concept. I was at my desk this morning. I was eating coco pops at my desk whilst a colleague insisted that TOWIE had affected the consciousness of a generation, when I suddenly lost the will to masticate. Everything just sort of slipped out of my face. It has happened before. Jonathan took me into the goldfish bowl, away from all of the outraged pregnant people and sardonic parentheticals. He said that I had to take a leave of absence in the New Year (as the office was in the midst of a rather busy period with the migration that I was still very much an important part of). I asked if I could maybe not do that, but he was adamant and I thought best not to press. I would broach the topic again in the New Year; after I had given him his Christmas present (I would have to raid his draws and see what kind of stuff he liked.) Ive been feelingactually I havent been feeling at all; that is the problem. I have been failing to feel. I have feel failure. I think I m broken. I think that I incidentally grown out of step with my entire generation. I think Ive never really related to other people. I think Im an oddity. I think everyone is taking about me behind my back. I think and think and think and just keep thinking. I am tired. I am tired of being so very wide awake. I am tired of thinking, of being with myself. (Dont get me wrong, Im fantastic! But every day? All day; every day?!) Everyone at the office says to me. Horman they say. (Horman is my name.) Horman, youre a real hoot! You always on! You always bring the badinage! (Badinage is another word for banter ((I read that in a book (((though, I forget which one))))) and theyre right. I am. I am always entertaining! I am the most entertaining person I have met (though I havent met Will Farrellyet!). I cant help it.

266

I guess I was just programmed this way. Like a working ant is like programmed to ant around on the ground with all this buddies, I am programmed to appeal to the delectable humour gland of the human species (I think it is like connected to sex and that, because every laugh I laugh I get a weird tingling in my own various glandsand by glands I mean a real specific penetrating tingle and lighting fast shooting pain up and out of my cock.) Bettie wants nothing to do with me now: Which is pretty cool. I never really liked spending time with her and only really hung around for as long as I did because she knew someone with an Xbox that I thought I could borrow. She was pretty average as a human: Never really got the hang of it, walking and talking and all that. (I think she was a spaz to tell the truth!) Her mum always told me to hold her hand when crossing roads I believe now there was actually cause for concern.) She thought I was a snob. Everyone thinks Im a snob; but I just like good stuff, unlike everyone else. Dont get me wrong, its not their (your) fault; their (your) parents grew up worshiping Jimll Fix it (who atrocities aside was an insipid entertainer!) They (you) never had a chance, and we (I) never had a chance, and our (your) kids will never have a chance to have kids because by then the earth would have started coughing up bloody metaphorical mucus and they will have to fly to Keplar 22 B. No one in my life understands me and I dont know if I mind. Betty says that I have this condition (or whatever; like shed know!) called bipedalism or something (I looked it up I think everyone has it! So that cant be it. I dont know what else it could be?!) Im thinking of talking to my mother; shes one of those. One of those brainumacallits: Thinks about you whilst youre taking at a cushion. She used to listen to me all the time; drive me up the wall with her thinking. How does this make you feel? What dyou think about this, what dyou think about that. I spend so much time thinking about what I was thinking about that I stopped thinking about anything but thinking about things. It is an affliction that burdens me to this day. An affliction that is now causing me to no doubt receive a three on my yearly appraisal as opposed to what I believe to be a much earn two. I will have to hasten the raid on Jonathans draws.

267

I am in the fish bowl again. I found drugs in Jonathans draw and asked Drew if he could get me some so I could give them to Jonathan as a present at Christmas to prevent having to take mental leave in the New Year, and Drew told Ed and Ed told Steven Procter who walks around the office humming golden oldies, and who I am pretty sure is running the whole thing (he has a wife with one boob who used to let me hide up her shirt at Christmas parties because I got so embarrassed by karaoke) who fired Jonathan for malfeasance. I have now taken charge of the Migration project and have booked a well-earned holiday in the New Year (giving that the Migration is a success checks have to be carried out etc.). They have given me a promotion and as I was receiving it (thinking when I was going in about if I would even have a job and whether or not that would be a bad thing) final began to understand: Finally understood the reason that I was unable to feel anything. Before the promotion I had neither money, nor the prospect of any money in the forcible future (only debtendless debt), and now that I was given this fantastical promotion with the prospect of more promotions in the future, along with a ladder of some kind (I believe) everything was gravy (meaning good). Money was what I was looking for all along. I just took a little longer to get there then the rest of the generation. A generation bred to consume: Potbellied plebs Ive heard them be called. I felt a vivacity that I had never experiences before. I spoke candidly about the experience with my mother, who said something like: The modern world teaches from a very young age that money makes you happy. No matter how smart or unwilling to be manipulated by this ceaseless propaganda one is, it is such a deeply entrenched idea that all it takes is a little weakness and you are cause up within its trappings. You have held out for as long as you can. Now just succumb to it. Let it take hold for a few decades in which you will be afforded the luxury of building a little castle for yourself to hide away in. Dismiss the outside world and its grim and burdensome realities and enjoy yourself. Feel the completeness of selfish joy. When you wake up for your somnambulismwhen your body begins to tear your back to realityyou will have many memories to cherish. Perhaps you will have a family of your own. Perhaps you too would have brought life into this world268

Then she starting crying and feeling sorry for herself so I left her to brood. I dont know what my mums deal is but I have been thinking about money since my promotion. I think money is good. Money allows you to buy things that you want and prevents you from being bored and also from being boring, as no one is boring if they have money that they are willing to spend on you. I was never bored when my ex-girlfriend used to pay my way. I was never bored when I had money to spend. Money is not boring; money is interesting! If it wasnt for money there would be no economy and no one would be able to eat and people in less prosperous countries then us would starve to death and it would be like you were killing them if you dont like money cause money makes the word go around and there has been money (in one form or another) since the beginning of the species so why dont you go back to communist Russia if you dont like money and see if you last your first brutal winter (I bet you dont!). Im going to Indonesia in the New Year as I feel that I have earnt it with all the hard work Ive been putting in and the new job is quite stressful and I dont really know what Im doing and I feel that everyone is talking about me behind my back and have started following people home after work to see if they are going to clandestine and seditious meetings (that concern myself, Drew or Ed Proctor himself). Indonesia will be cool. (I bet if its illegal in Indonesia its really wrong and good). I bet I can feel something in Indonesia.

269

A Turing Test: Nazis and Homosexuals. Streatham Hill to Battersea Park; up Chelsea Bridge Road, Left Chelsea Embankment, Right Oakley Street, passed Royal Brompton & Harefield NHS Trust, across Fulham Road, past South Kensington tube, by way of Kings Road (traversing Phat Phuck Vietnamese Noodle Bar). I have taken wrong turns and gone back on myself a number of times; I do not care. It is a beautiful autumn day in October, in November, and it is nice to expel energy. An ice-rink has been erected aside the National History Museum. People attempt precarious movements and manoeuvres on the ice whilst Dancing Queen plays over the public address system. Children and motionally retarded adults are stabilised by plastic penguins. There is very little grace on display. It is disorder. And theres a merry-go-round! a child exclaims. A father helps his child to her feet, but it does not take: shes all arms and legs balance panic. She expels a plangent of irked frustration; her brother laughs from the side lines. The scene is familiarly benign. Science Museum It is free to come in, but we are asking for small donations says the Admissions guy at me. The toilets of the Science Museum sound like a swimming pool changing room as I approach them. Children bellow atavistically (with a freedom that comes from sporting very little clothing). I peek into the cloak room and see a cloak room attendant slouched on a chair, doing very little. I am constantly reminded that
270

London (and most places) is populated by people who do not enjoy nor perform the jobs that they are paid for. (If one more person tells me that no one likes work and you just have to get on with it, I am going to erupt; saying something along the lines of: You are a fucking moron! The idea that I have to deal with interacting with people like you on a daily basis makes me want to kill myself in the most grossly offensive way available to me. I only do not so I can tell you, and people like you, that I HATE you as a concept, ideology and individual. I hope that when you are on your deathbed, in your last lucid moments of conscious being, the epiphanic fact that you have been a complete waste of time and space is realised, and your last breath is a gasp of tragic horror! (This makes me feel better.) Code Breaking: Alan Turings life and legacy How one pioneering mathematician helped shape our modern world. (Free admission) Visitor Information: Please do not eat or drink in this gallery. And please be aware that there is an exhibit in this gallery with flashing lights. (I use the bulk of Infinite Jest to support the notepad I jot in.) The second world war was not just fought with bombs and shells. It was a war of electronic whispers and secret radio signals scratched from the ether[1]. At Bletchley Park, Buckinghamshire, thousands of men & women laboured night & day to crack (cute redhead) these coded radio messages which held Germanys most secret plans. One of these code breakers was Alan Turing: one of Churchills geese that laid golden eggs but never cackled. But Turing was not just a code breaker. Born 100 years ago, this British Mathematician was also a philosopher and computer pioneer who grappled with some of the fundamental problems of life itself; yet his own life was cut tragically short. In 1954 he was found dead, poisoned by cyanide. He was 41.

271

Throughout his life, Turing broke the codes of science and society (?). His ideas helped shape the modern world but it was a world he did not live to see. This is his story. (FUCK THE SCIENCE MUSEUM!) In 1948, Turing moved to Manchester University to work on a ground-breaking stored program computer. He used subsequent versions (blah-blah-blah) Four years later, following a relationship with (staff announcement: could John Cadish VE please contact-) a local man, Arnold Murray. Turing was arrested under anti-homosexuality (a women walks passed pulling her child behind hershe is attractive stating that they will find something more interesting) legislation and convicted of gross indecencyAt this time doctors were experimenting with ways of treating gay people. Given a choice of imprisonment or a one year course of female hormones (chemical castration), Turing opted for the latter. In unexplained circumstances, he was found dead in this bed on Monday 7th June, 1954. The official verdict was suicide. (At the time he had been advising the government on secret code breaking projects, but his security clearance was revoked and he was later places under surveillance.) Bottle of Oestrogen Female Hormone Pills, C. 1950 In 1949 neuroscientist Fredric Golla published the first British results of experiments on the use of the female hormone Oestrogen to reduce the libido of sexual offenders. Three years later, Alan Turing was sentenced to Oestrogen treatment as an alternative to imprisonment for gross indecency, following a sexual relationship. He had to fight to keep his job at Manchester University. Tabloid What is needed is a new establishment for them like Broadmoor. It should be a clinic rather than a prison, and these men should be sent there and kept there until they are cured.

272

POST MORTEM EXAMINATION REPORT (Alan Turing was out walking on Monday June 7th and spoke to a neighbour on his walk.) Name of Deceased: Alan Matheson Turing Observers present at examination: Chief Inspector Hudson, Sargent Cottrell, no 128. Date & Time: 8pm, Tuesday 8th June 1954 Place where performed: The public mortuary, Wilmslow. Estimated time of death: More than 24 hours previously, in my opinion/ on 7thJune or during the night of 6th or 7th, June 1954. There was slight residual warmth of the abdomen. Apparent age: 40 Height: 5ft 10 inches. External Examination Rigor Mortis: Very strong spasm of all the muscles of the body, the left arm was flexed at 90 degrees across the body, the right was extended, the body lying to the left, but also he was on his back. Marks of Violence or identification marks, tattoo marks etc: None. But there [Incomprehensible] frothing of the mouth and this froth smelled of almonds. CRANIAL CAVITY Internal Examination Skull: Normal Brain: Congested, showed acute oedema and red cyanosis which of cutting was very obvious. The brain smelled of bitter almonds. Thoracic Cavity: Mouth, tongue, larynx filled with froth, otherwise normal. The jaw was in powerful spasm. Trachea, Lung & Pleura: showed acute oedema, thin watery fluid filled the bronchi and the lungs and this smelled strongly of bitter almonds. Pericardium, Heart & Blood Vessels: Normal anatomically, but the blood of the whole body was red, and not blue & de273

oxygenated. With the characteristic smell of bitter almonds this was typical of cyanide poisoning. ABDOMINAL CAVITY Oesophagus: Contained froth. Stomach & Contents: contains four ounces of fluid which smelled very strongly of bitter almonds, as does the solution of cyanide. Peritoneum, Intestines & Mesenteric Glands: Normal. Liver & Gall bladder: Normal, but pale in colour as the blood in it was redder than normal. Pancreas: Normal. Spleen: Again was red, and smelled of bitter almonds. Kidneys & Ureters: Similar Bladder & Urine: Normal Generative Organs: Normal Are all other organs healthy: Yes, with the exception of the colour of the organs, which were all redder than normal. The cause of death as shown by examination appears to be: Asphyxia due to cyanide poison; Death appears to be due to violence. I was present at the house of the deceased when a solution of cyanide (identified by characteristic smell) and a bottle of potassium cyanide in solid form was [sic] found. The smell of the solid was identified with the smell of the organs, and no other chemical smells the same. Signature and Qualification: [Signature] D.R.C.P. M.R. C.S., D. Path On 7 June 1954, Alan Turing died. The pathologist carried out an examination two days later. A pan of solution has been found bubbling on a stove and by Turings bed was an apple. The pathologist concluded that Turing had died from cyanide poisoning, the apple being use to take way some of the taste. The coroner recorded the death a suicide.
274

Turings mother never believed her son killed himself. For the rest of her life she held that his death was an accident. -------Alan Turing left no suicide note; there is no post-mortem examination of his mother in the exhibit. Alan Turings War In the Second World War armed forces communicated using encrypted radio messages. Britain was desperate to understand the German messages, so a code breaking institution was set up at Bletchley Park to crack them. It was a race against the clock (sigh!). Alan Turing worked at Bletchley on a type of encryption machine known as Enigma after the machine used to create it. He developed sophisticated decryption processes, and, with colleague Gordon Welchman, devised machines called bombes that could break the code on an industrial scale (?). Some 200 bombs were built at a secret facility nearby. They operated around the clock at several sites including Bletchley Park itself, tended by the Womans Royal Naval Service. The intelligence gained from the Enigma messages was vital to Britains success in the war. The Nature of Spirit In 1950, Alan Turing published a scientific paper which began: can machines think? In it he described what has since become known as the Turing Test, in which a machine is said to be intelligent, if it can successfully imitate the intellectual capabilities of a human in a guessing game. Alan Turing was fundamental in shaping the practice we now call programming; in his day, there existed just a handful of computers in the world. Today there are billions, embedded into every aspect of our daily lives, and each one needs to be programmed.
275

I feel sick and want to leave. (All the people I feel an affinity with are either dead or dying.) The world is too big a place; the mind too expansive a muscle. Standing looking over the balcony, people walk in all directions in droves. There is disorder. There are patterns of disorder.

[1] A postulated substance that, due to progress in scientific investigation, is no longer useful. It now serves as a trite figurative literary tool; obscuring peoples understanding.

276

Epiphany Death had never really concerned him. And by that I mean he had never thought to be concerned by it. If being honest, his thoughts hadnt really deviated much from basic BoP low-end physiological needs (as defined by Haslows hierarchy). I mean, he tried not to meddle too much in the homeostasis aspects, which he didnt really feel he was consciously contributing much anyways; and was essentially preoccupied, more or less, with the uncomfortable interim between the cause and effects of eating and excreting various forms of waste. That pretty much filled all of his time. That was; before Steve the Hottie (as he and a number of office harpies like to call him [1]) took him into his office to discuss implementation of a sharing of workload between the ever increasing members of a department in the midst of an economic recession more specifically, with him: But why should I need to do you work for you, Steve; youre always here. I think you might live here. Dont be ridiculous, I live in a house; on a street. And youre not getting out of taking some of this work off me through sophistry thats right, I looked it up. You said I wouldnt but I did!I never said you wouldnt look it up, I said you werent using the word to communicate correctly. See, sophistry! This office is about transparency, Ken. How are we supposed to see through you if you keep not being see through, you understand?! O course. You want me to be more see through Exactly I dont see how me being more see through has anything to do with you unburdening yourselves of burden by burdening me. I dont even get paid to skive!
277

The point is to be see through enough to take the initiative to know when people around you have work, and to help them by doing their work for them. But I dont come here to work! No-one comes here to work! That is the whole point! But why should I do your work? .Because you have no work of your own. Its not my fault I dont have any work You dont have any work because you refuse the work that is offered to you, Ken! .Because its not my work! Thats because you refuse to accept it! .Because it isnt mine! Thats!thats neither here nor there!! Listen, Ken. The fact of the matter is; Im going to be honest and open and transparent with you for a moment. Enough of the bull hog, right. Facts are Facts. Fact is, youre right, I do enjoy my job. I like the power that it brings. I like the fear that I can instil at will. I smell the fear coming from you, and yes, I admit it, I love it. It arises in me quite carnal excitement that- I eat a clove of garlic on break, thats probably what you smell No the smell is more metaphoricalwhy did you eat a clove of garlic? Do you have an ailment?? Im trying to get Little Bs corner desk before she goes on maternity leave, and I think the baby is rejecting species of onion genusthe Allium. The Allium Sati- Shut up, Ken. Now! Youre doing it again Doing what? Youre sophistrizing! Youre not using it correctly No! Thats what youre not doing!

278

I dont understand what you are talking about, Steve. I think your cracking under the pressure. Then help me! Its not my pressure Ken do you realise that at any point, god forbid, I could get hit by the big bus of doom There isnt a bus in Doom, not that I can recollect A bus! A big bus could clip me, knocking me to the ground my scull crushed by the impact of the concrete. Then what would this department do? Youd be screwed. Then Id be laughing! Waitwhat do you mean? Well without my knowledge of the systems that were using, there would be mayhem. What you gonna do, phone Gemma? She can barely operate her purse. I mean- -no, what do you mean: at any point you could get clipped by a bus? I mean just that. I could get killed by a bus, or a cab, or any manner of vehicle come to think about itmaybe I could even get hit by a Porsche- Why would you say that? Because its trueyou could get killed going to get a drink from the vending machine How?! You could fall prey to a colleague in the midst of an Office killing spree; or to myocardial infarction, or diabetes Why have you gone all white? You didnt eat that cake did you? Because you know she wants to poison Martha, and Im inclined to let her have at it Ken Ken, if youre not going to engage me then you might as well sod off. I have a meeting in five minutes with Brian, and he
279

hates subordinatesI soTBC. Good talk.

mean,

viscerally

abhors

them,

He didnt really speak for the rest of the day. He just kept thinking the thought: At any point, it could all be over. How had he not seen it before? Where had his head been? I mean, Jesus, he was nearing 30: he was already nearly dead. How has it taking him so long to figure out that he had been dying. Why hadnt anyone told him? He blamed his mother. Or at least he would have blamed his mother had she been alive to receive blame. Didnt think he could blame a copse. Didnt think the blame would stick. Probably bounce right back. Bitch! She raised him too well, he reckoned. One of TVs stock Aesops is that suffering is good for the soul, and if this is true then it can be said that he lived a truly soulless childhood. All he remembered was greenery: Horrible countryside; Disgusting nature; Happiness. What a little twat he had been. Maybe if they would have told him the truth, as opposed to what he now saw as the outright lying to a child. Told him that whiskers (yes named after the cat food! Fuck you, its a good name.) had gone to live on Mr Helleps farm with the cows and chickens and sheep and reindeer. Whiskers most probably got run over by a provisional driver. Maybe if he found out about the grim realities of death early on he could be more prepared to deal with it when it came. Now it was too late. He was going to die; having only just now realised that he was supposed to live it up whilst he had the chance because it was by no stretch of the imagination an open ended ticket. It had a destination NO return; No refund And now that he realised he was actually going somewhere, he couldnt help but think that maybe he should have picked a different route getting there.

[1] Along with Steve himself.

280

F.A.O: Posterity RE: Entertainment A scrolling display displays various movies and television shows that are recommended to me based on correlative database type things that the website stores on my well a friends N account. B; C; I G, T M; S; SNL: the 2; G W; 5/5; A b of F a L; and C S scroll in a loop towards the right of the screen. These are things that they recommend I watch in my room when I am not at work on an ok sized monitor that sits atop a desk that is cluttered with remnants of a life I choose to forget when I watch the things on the screen they recommend that are scrolling toward the right. The services of the scrolling is provided by an Internet (an internet is something that is probably still about but you might call it a different name depending on when you are reading this) and our Internet is relatively ok because we pay a bit of the money we earn at the places we work when we are not not working and instead sitting in our rooms looking at our monitors that scroll loops towards the right of our screens resulting in good speeds that is to say connection to the Internet. The things that we watch on this website (like a virtual place to go and spend time it is) are I believe brought into the virtual place i.e. the website by the same means that allow us to view it. There are lots of intricate mechanisms at work in the machines that we have in our rooms. No doubt yours are similar though aesthetically very different or perhaps not so much but we need to do very little ourselves. Things happen in the machine and we remain largely ignorant of them and it is pretty easy to just sit there and watch it all pan out and converge and together and out comes this scene of a film or music atop of visual imagery in infinite variety and just the pleasure of diminished self-awareness (this bit probably wont translate) is kind of addictive and its not really even that bad I mean its not as
281

bad as some other addictions that actually effect the people around you Im not saying that the passivity of the life Im leading isnt bad it most definitely is bad what Im saying is that its not as bad. Not as bad as some other stuff that people are doing. Im not actively doing bad stuff in the world. Im just letting it go on all around me which sounds bad I know but its a complex situation that I think you might be quick to judge but you know put in my shoes you might be thinking phew fuck get me out of that horrible world of murder and death and endless miscommunication and suffering and insufferable highs because in the back of your mind your thinking how this amazing feeling is only a feeling and when you stop feeling it your back to the familiar feeling of empty fearful Im sure I was supposed to do something only I cant really remember what it is but I know it was important and the more you lay there thinking about what it is you were supposed to do but had as usual forgotten to remember to do it you become fearful that at any point you are going to remember what it was that you were supposed to do but had forgot to remember to do and it will be so important and you will be so horrified that you have forgot such an important thing and now it was too late and you just lay there all night unable to sleep because you just want it to be morning so you can go about rectifying this monumental mistake that you have made in not remember something so important that you just lay there and nothing happens for ever and you just are stuck in silence with only the your own brutal and crushing self-loathing thoughts that you try your best not to let bring you down or change your mood because who wants to be with someone who is sad all the time that requires attention and thought and who has complex emotional needs when there is so much fun stuff that you can do with all the technological advancements and the gadgets and the cool mind-numbing complexity and depth and richness fantasy games and three dimensional movies that come out of the screen at you and immerse you in an entire experience that is completely new and everyone is excited about and you can talk about it with your friends at work even if you dont like it you can laugh with all the other cool people who dont like it and that itself turns into like a thing and you watch now because you have to continue to have fresh new sources for your vitriol and it becomes like a game in your head and you give over hours of your days and weeks and years dissecting these things that you dont like in the most elaborate and engaging and esoteric ways and you become the ultimate connoisseur of consuming this weak entertainment because by the time you get to viewing it with an intelligent adult
282

brain the people who are piping it into your home have lowered the standards so low because if you get the kiddies on the good stuff early enough they will form a relationship in much the same way that people do to cats and dogs and other such animals and you will pretty much show them anything and they wont even if they dont like the they will still engage with it constantly and its become this like form of communication of conversational thought thing that effects the way that you view the world and it is shaping completely shaping your desire and stuff because how could being bombarded with this much imagery not fuck up the way you view the world and when youre not watching this stuff you take a look at the people that this thing or these things or the whole thing is producing and they seem to you at odds with everything that is human about interaction theres just nothing everyone is watching the screen. I hope it is not like that where you are.

283

Gull (30 MPH) The sea is unsatisfied and laps hungrily at stones and mud and seagulls scavenge barren scenery And It is Christmas is over and we are in the limbo before New Year and Resolution and New Goals and Ambition and all is statis now. And a couple, a man and woman, walk contended by the sea. Both Joyful smiles and seems, Happy in rain and wind and empty seafront out of season not even old people on shuttle runs. Perhaps happy with their lot: no work, busy period to come, stop and smell the roses in the rain with wind and the gulls: merciless wind drift, Portentous Omens set to collide against equal parts inanimate and sentient. The couple are a joyous stasis now A pale euphoria. We penetrate the experience, splinter the instance and prism.
284

Wit The film played in the background as I spoke to my Ma about a friend of the family. We had known Wit for bout a decade and Ma liked the atmosphere that he brought to the place and so he kind of lived with us for a while before we moved him to the place hes at now. He was weird and we were kinda scared of him tell Ma told us not to worry about it because he had this like thing where he couldnt really see right so what was he good to do right if he had trouble like walking through doors you know basic stuff right. So he lived with us for like 8 or 9 years and we got used to him you know let me show you around and where everything is friend like a kind from school or something this is the living room this and this is the kitchen help your selves to water man me casa and all that an this is with it Wit and Wits pretty much like living here now I guess and that goes on for like years and years and then Wit starts getting depressed right about how he couldnt see so good and starts moping bout the house and Mum starts thinking the moods hes bring to the place wasnt all that good any-more and so we have to put him in a home and sell his house and its a massive thing for ages cause first there was a buyer and then he pulled out and we had to get someone else and there was possibility of renting the property and we thought well my Ma thought that maybe if we did rent it out we could maybe make some money because Wit got all the money if we sold the house and he didnt really do that much and anyways soon he was going to be blind and what can a blind man really spent his money on other than spend it on trying to see and thats wouldnt work and hed go broke trying this way we could earn a bit ourselves as a reward for all the hard work that wed been put through. Wit didnt care much for the Home that we put him in and he said he felt better in himself when he was at ours but Mum met Reg and Reg says fuck that no way and Im sort of with him cause the rent

285

thing is near happening and I think that if I get the equipment the ideas will come later. So this film is playing all the while Im on the phone to my Ma whose prattling on like about how Wit keeps calling her and she hasnt spoken to him in a while and its gonna like be awkward the next time that she speaks to him so right and the longer she puts it off the worst the awkwardness of the next time the speak is gonna be and anyways all he does is moan her ear of about how he hates the Home and if she wouldnt let care for her like she said to Martha that she would then he just wanted to go home to his house but shes already taken a deposit off a couple who were expecting a baby and they were bringing new life into the world and Wit could barely see now and hes face has changed and Ma feels bad because Wit was her friend and used to make her smile and cheer her up and now she didnt want to talk to him and the film chapter is stepped backed and the paused and I talk to my Ma and cheer her up.

286

Gifts for Susanna (An Ulysses) I Awake in the foetal positionok that is not entirely accurate I masturbate my self out of unconsciousness and into the foetal position (With/Too) thoughts of Susanna. Susanna is a wonderful pixie that floats around the office and has enchanted me I am fascinated by her. Gifts to celebrate her being!!!! You are what you love is a term that I was originally made aware of through the eponymous Jenny Lewis song; however I believe the term itself originated in Charlie Kaufmans Adaptation. I cant find it anywhere previous to this, but no doubt it is from existentialist literature. (As one always feels that watching a Kaufman film especially now he can do what he wants, to a degreeis like having a neurotic and petulant Sartre squealing at you!) Whilst I am certainly not deluded enough to believe the emotion I am experiencing is love or whatever (Im not a nut-job [? s(B)s)], I do believe that when you meet someone who you share a connection with, it should be celebrated! And people love fucking stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Production! Yay!!). And I just want to shower you with gifts! All the time! For ever! :) [N.B. Take about her; not to her] It is snowing. 8:35 to Victoria Poster for Side Effect from the makers of Contagion and Magic Mike. It annoys me that it isnt: from the maker of Out of Sight and Oceans Eleven.

287

Victoria scrolling display Taken 2: Extended Harder Cut Due to process in brain and movement read as: Taken 2: Extended Haircut Idea for a band name: Extended Haircut! Camden Town There is something sinister about this place! T SHIRT: STARBUCKS Buy or coffee or well break your legs! I feel as those this place is just hawking conformity (I blame Lennon J) FUCK YOU MORRISEY (you misanthrope!) Rouge Art Stall Camden The girl is feverishly writing in pad. She is writing a story that she has had in her head for a while but finally decide to get down on the page. She makes t-shirts and commutes to London ever so often to sell them at the stall that she passed the audition to sit at. They are wonderfully unique. I want the bob Dylan one. It costs 10. 10 is my budget for the exercise. I shake her hand and I leave to buy gifts for Susanna. GIFT 1 (5.00) It is perfect. It has flowing blond locks. It has a dress that starts off all Peter Pan acrylic fibre and flows into a Rose petal dress. A set of delicate wings attached to a little pixie with flexile appendages. It is at once utterly beautiful and hideously macabre: I think she will like it. I barter with the stalls owner. He has already approached me but I stated it was too expensive and did a circle of the stalls before returning with the note in my hand and telling him how much he was going to accept for it I have been to India, dont you know! And happy with my progress I Leicester Square Escalator The word Datum is painted onto one of the escalators steps. I remind myself to remind myself of what the word actually means. So that I know what it means, and have not just deluded myself into thinking that I know what it means. TEXT FROM WILL: 40 transferred babe xx
288

I see outside Wyndhams Theatre (Rowan Atkinson Quartermasters terms! Sigh!); a person who I believe to be famous. I want to say: Are you famous? Yes! Do you have lots of money? Yes! You should give some of the lots of money you have to that Homeless man (who sits huddled in the alley on the side road of the theatre) The alley looks like the alley in which Bruce Bains parents were killed in the live action adaption of a cartoon. I do not, myself, give the homeless man any money. I have a limited amount. And would like to use what little I have to buy gifts for Susanna. It is snowing National Portrait Gallery Tracey Emin Self Portrait Filthy animal! Aroused by such debasement!! Maybe its not even base nature what is attracted to it (horrible thought). Get away from it. There is nothing here. Go outside and let the pretty snowflakes fall on your face. National Gallery There are two people standing outside the National Gallery with a sign. The sign reads: Talk to a Philosopher! I try not to but cannot resist I engage them: They ask I tell them that I am a philosopher

289

They seem elated Come talk to us! they say. money. I say that I cannot because I have to go and spend my

We all laugh; we all get it. The National Gallery is a dead end. Starbucks I enter Starbucks (apologies morals) to get a shit load of tea and remove my headphones in time to hear a generically attractive intellectual pontificate at her foreign exchange student in matters concerning spirituality. I blow my nose. There really is quite a lot of snot! Embankment Bridge There is a child posing for a father. She is wearing an adorable blue cotton hooded shawl. I want a baby I can dress up! A homeless woman quickly empties her cup. I think it is to make it seem that she is poorer than she is. I think she is probably poor enough; doesnt have to contrive to be poorer. though, I guess she does. Its all so tragic. I get scarred by a pigeon as it takes off toward my face; close my eyes and panic. Tea spills over my hand and coat. A mother exclaims: Oooh ITS GETTIN TO THE STAGE WHERE I DONT REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU, YOU FUCKIN STUPID MAP! Melody = indiscernible/Free form Jazz melody I cram the crumpled map into my bag.

290

Real Foods Festival South Bank GIFT 2 (0.00) Cheese samples! Inspired! I wander around the stalls and engage the owners whilst surreptitiously taking the samples and wrapping them in the surplus foil from my packed lunch that I made at home (because it costs money to eat, and price is inflated in accordance with demand) whilst the cranberries play over a PA system. GIFT 3 (1.00) Cabcou Unpasteurised Goat/Aged Fresh The name Cabcou comes from the language of South West of France and means small goat. Enjoy it fresh, pliant and creamy or more mature with a taste permeated with the flavour of hazelnut. [Medoc]. GIFT 4 (1.00) I walk past a homeless who ask me if I could spare any change. I say no. I walk. I feel guilt. I feel that there is an argument in favour of gifting Susanna with the gift of gifting this homeless man. I go back to the man. Sorry, that was a flat out fuckin lie! I put the pound into his bemused outstretched hand. He does not know what I am talking about. God Bless you, Sir I feel happy in the thought that you/she/Susanna is the reason that this man has a pound to do whatever the fuck he pleased with. I do not need it. He seemed to needed it more. I move on. 1 left. (I have spent 2 on beverages: one tea, one coffee philanthropy makes for thirsty work.)

291

I pass adult children doing Parkour. I ask them if theyd ever done themselves damage. [Northern accent] A couple of skips [sic] and scrapes; nothin major. Then he jumps away like a stupid superhero: Because of the movement, not the accent.) I shout to him that he looks cool. I think he sort of does. Southbank I stop at a bench to re-arrange my bag. The pixies cute little wing has been damaged. Immediately my brain recalls the melody: My love, Shes like some raven at my window with a broken wing Love Minus Zero/No Limit I walk down Southbank. I realise

snowing. For how long? I wonder.

It is no longer

I walk past a woman in the midst of conversation: Its just chaos! Southbank Blackfriars Bridge As I approach: a joyous cacophony of woody Allen jazz. I walk on a wall with the descending melody whistling in my head. Tate Modern (My hands are so cold that I can no longer write discernibly.) Tate Gift Shop #1 The gift shop is small and crowded and inconveniently designed/arranged. There are alarms at either entrance of the shop. I approach the counter, populated by two appropriate smug modernists: You know these things here

292

 You know, they go off when you walk through them. Alarms? one says. Yes! Alarms. Thats the badger. Well this alarmsthey make is become dreadfully hard to steal dont you know. (Blank stares) Thats why theyre there sorry, Im dreadfully cold. I thought humour might warm me. I leave the shop: Nothing but icy stares. People who profess to love art should have a better sense of humour; I guess they are at work. Tate Gift Shop #2 GIFT SUGGESTION: Montaignes on Friendship? Two expensive plus I must get out of the habit of buying Montaigne and not completely reading him. There is a The Films of Michael Haneke box set (49.99) that has on it a sticker that says: ASK FOR ASSISTANCE THIS CASE IS EMPTY, PLEASE

I ask the assistant, who is to assist the assistance, whether it is actually empty or whether they state that to detract from theft. He smiles, and tells me it should be empty; he likes the question, though. I begin shivering; part cold, part caffeine caffeine is a marvellous drug. I itch my scrotum. It is not here either: I wish I had a better brain. (Susanna and I had discussed favourite paintings mine being Joseph Wright of Derbys An Experiment on a Bird in the Air Pump she had shown me her favour but I cannot remember the name of it to ask. It was not in the National Gallery or nor Portrait. The painting immediately bought to mind the Beatles. I liked it very much and wished that I could find it in postcard form to give to her. Alas!) I apologise to a pretty little woman. The sound I make is famine; almost childish.
293

There is a man sitting on the floor outside the gift shop. I am tempted to throw him some change; but I only have 1 left, and I would like to use it to buy a gift for Susanna. I look at myself in a mirrored window as I masticate my last remaining sandwich. I then go back into the Tate to make use of the facilities for, I believe the third time, and move on. GIFT 4 (free) I walk past a fashionable lad handing out winter arts guides. Love your headphones, man he says. Thank you, I love your hat I reciprocate. Another gift! And 1 left! Bankside Clint Street A Man takes photo of homeless man. A man takes a photo of a man taking a photo of a homeless man. I wish I had a camera. A man wishing he had a camera makes note of a man taking a photo of a man taking a photo of a homeless man. I mention it to a woman who stands next to the man who takes a photo of a man taking photo of a homeless man. She laughs. I laugh. It is not funny! Borough Market PEOPLE! EVERWHERE PEOPLE! (this would be a good place let off a bomb if you were that way inclined is something I think but do not write down). A husband walks past me, trailed by her wife: whats wrong with your hearing she says. GIFT 2 (revisited) I procure more cheese samples. I can believe the size of vegetables- a girl says to her friend. -they are huge! Some of them the friend replies after a time. I see a child with multiple sclerosis; fizzing with energy in a wheelchair with a balaclava completely covering his face. I am filled with feelings; equal parts joy and sadness. I do not know which of these two the more appropriate response is. It begins to snow again

294

This place is huge. I have come back on myself and am now lost in the vegetable section. There is so much food! EUREKA! I know where I will spend the last 1: it is not this place. As I venture outside the radius of the market, I feel less like a member of a collective. The crowd thins. FUCK! An Asian man and I exchange exaggerated glances. I have been almost hit by too many buses. Excuse me! she says. do you know where Tally Street is? She has a child with her. ohsorrysorryno sorry..imrubbishjust generallyerr.. Rubbish person a

The mother drags her kid away from me; I have not been helpful; I require not courtesy. Fellon House London Bridge A homeless man rummages through a black bin liner outside of a shop. He picks out two batons of bread. He moves on: walking in front of me. He tapers off emptying the remnants of a bottle of something down his gullet. I cannot tell whether it is alcohol; I hope for his sake it is. Two blonde women in fur coats walk out of the station chatting jovially: Ive just been really lucky. [PLATFORM 11 FOR THE 14 15 TO RIGATE] My testicles are so cold that I feel as though I am a Eunuch: I should have worn tighter briefs. PROBLEM (RE: WILL) it has not been possible to connect your call, please try again later TEXT MESSAGE TO L.CASH: Lou bear. Its micky D. You got Charles no? My dealer isnt picking up. Probably been killed by Somalias LOL
295

14:21 (via Greenwich for DLR) I am staring at a poster. The poster reads: ANYWHERE IN LIFE I CANT SEE ME GETTING

I dislike the idea of being market to so that I might care about a blind man! (I blame LennonJ) Greenwich Station A sign reads: DUE TO VANDALS SORRY BUT THIS TOILET IS CLOSED DUE TO SYNTAX I BELIEVE THIS TO BE WRITTEN BY A LOW WAGED MIGRANT TEXT MESSAGE FROM WILL: did you try their new no, btw? Halcyon Books Greenwich BOOKS SALE! ALL BOOKS 1 GIFT 5 (1.00) Shit! We never talked about books only the Tao of Pooh. That she has already read. Andre Gide: The Immoralist? I have it, and have not read beyond the first page. Ghostbuster II: A novelisation? Hardly as deep as the original?! Jeremy Clarksons Motorworld? LOLTRAIN (what a c*nt!) Russell: By A.J. Ayer? Shit! I really want this book.I will hide it and come back for it later. (This is not about you!) 2 shelves in; 6 shelves up; behind the book of John Travolta (that includes more than 100 pictures!)

296

There is a man listening to Miles Davis insufferable loud. He sounds deaf as he purchases some vinyl. He ushers himself out of the shop; a blare of deafening trumpets trailing in his wake; then peace. and Dusty I Just Dont Know What to do With Myself plays from the store room: Apt. NOTE: DO NOT SHOW OFF! MAKE IT SOMETHING THAT SHE WILL LIKE! There was a pile of books that crowded the floor before; they have cleaned the pile; there is a greater selection than there has ever been: the last gift is here. Just keep looking. It will present itself to you. Alice in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass? Likely already had/devoured right track, though! Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Gate Keeper Trilogy & Sons of Entropy? Dont make it about you I said! A Dictionary of Geography? (???) (WTF!) There is a couple picking out book for one another: GIRL: Oh War and Peace? Oh wait; Im not allowed to read that, right? Oh Simone De Beauvoirthis is a good book shop. I realise the importance of company; I feel alone for the first time today. And EUREKA! She may not like it; I have not read it; I know not why, but This is the one. (Be confident!) Though brilliantly sunny, Saturday morning was overcoat weather again, not just topcoat weather, as it had been all week and as everyone had hoped it would stay for the big weekend the weekend of the Yale game I got to the counter.
297

A man is putting two books by; to purchase later. Both books are 1 each. I interrupt the cashier and he; I say that I will give her double the price for the books now. Now one laughs. Not even I. I grow tired of myself. I talk incomprehensibly to the cashier about the bookstore; my brain is fried. It is time to go. (It is 15:33) I will leave you here; with all this appropriate and inappropriate affection J I must pick up: perfunctory exercise. FOOTNOTES Datum a piece of data thought as much J This gift unfortunately melted in transit L The man is bemused; his hand cannot be. (This is a days work, Pap: I got paid nought!) A far less romantic; far more

298

Functioning Sociopaths [INTERVIEW]Yeah, but I think its not just a problem in the US, because everything, you know, that happens here somehow is, is copied by, you know, people in [Germany]. And there is always, this also this impulse that you only have to do what makes you happy and fogot a forget about all the others and you dont want a to be with boring people; people who need you: thats not practical and all that so it you know more all less the same thing of cour [DAVID FOSTER WALLACE] And it works very well as a system for.running an economy and keeping goods produced and sold and it works wonderfully(breath) there, the ways in which it doesnt work are much more difficult to talk about. N.B. Take your time. It isnt going anywhere. It is hard to collect concrete facts about an object especially when that object is a person.

1. i. Hi you look awful. Did you find out anything more? I think hes a dick no he is! Hes a selfish fucking lad! He should have told you. He should have. He should have found out! I dont care what he told you hes a fuckin liar I bet he did he did know he had to have there are symptoms for that shit! Sorry, sorry I didnt mean. All I meant was that hes must have known and is a dick for not telling you. I know. I know. Im sorry. I didnt mean to make you feel bad. I know he. I know its not nice to refer to it. Pejorative I know. I know. Sorry. Its a disease. I know. I know listen are you staying for a bit. I have nothing to do. Excuse the mess Ive been busy and no ones been home and how did you leave it with him?

299

ii. He told me that he loved me and was really sorry and I kinda believed him but Im still really hurt. And more than anything really pissed off because Ive been thinking about it for a bit and Im starting to feel like Im more mad than anything. Cause he it when it comes down to it and its like choosing between love and something thats going to like physically harm me and I mean like infect me that fuck infected me. And I feel like violated and Im not really sure I wanna see his face ever again its like fucking creeping me out. I mean. And hes like talking to me explaining himself like theres this divvy girl right and he kinda felt sorry for her and she always hanging around him and he starts to get really stupidly flattered by it and hes in to them Kitschy films and loves nerdy looking girls and those films that I keep fucking telling him arent real right and she keeps hanging around and one night he comes home after a social and Im like actually doing work and cant piss around with him any and hes absolutely wasted and trying to be all sexy and its like cringe. So I kick him out of my room and tell him to go sleep it off and thats the last I see him til the next day where hes hung over but otherwise his usual sweet and its all good. And now I find out he sees this slut on the way back and ended up doing bareback this cunt with who turns out fucking foaming and now I have to wait and see if this mistake Ive been wasting my time with has infected me with his and all the time hes apologising and crying and begging me not to leave him and telling me he wants to be with me for ever and all Im thinking is that I hope he fucking dies and now I have to tell me mum so she can take me because theres no way Im going on my own I cant I aint. And all is happening to me. And why does is have to happen now. And everything is fuckin ruined. 2. Homeless man and his polystyrene cup wait train stations and streets lots of them. I see them all the time and do not give. They always catch my eye. And pity is there in my eyes and theirs and something is shared and it is a sad something. And it only lasts for a split and then off past him who still sits there with his polystyrene cup that does not have enough in it to sustain a life I dont think. It is winter and it is getting very cold, and everyone knows more homeless people die in cold than warm because in the television theres lots. And sometimes you see it on internet and news and everyone knows. And lots of people are doing little things to help the homeless man but lots of people do
300

not do much and I not do anything and I feel sad a lot of time. And think about them when am warm house and cosy. And fire warms things differently than radiator. And homeless man and polystyrene cup wait train stations streets lots of them. 3. .I like the way they smell. The smell is what I like. I am mainly draw to them by the smell. Its the smell, I think. I come from a very clean family. Everything is very clean. There is a special kind of smell that comes with cleanliness and I am not entirely comfortable with it. The smell makes me uncomfortable. I dont feel that I can really be myself. When everything is clean I feel like an imposition. I am permeating the clean room with my odour and the thing is I dont have any control over it. It just happens. By body is not maintained by a housewife. Endlessly cleaning and maintaining cleanliness. I am a busy human. Not an inanimate mass devoid of any sentience. But when I am in a clean house I feel that I am dirtying it by just being there all unmaintained like. And its a weird thing now that I keep thinking about it and all I starting thinking are people thinking that I am messing up this clean place by just occupying space in it. Are they pissed off that I am ruining all this cleanliness and decorum and there all trying to be so grown up but it just like I aint even buying it at all. Everything is too clean. Everything is too neat. You know what I see when I walk into a room and its pristine and nothings like out of place or anything. You know what I think when I see that walk into a place that hasnt out of place and everything is the same as it is always and there is no variety in it and its dull same boring place that they occupy and host and eat and drink and watch TV and entertain and have fight and make up and laugh and cry at old film and advertisement and thing that you shouldnt cry about but do anyways and wind up sort of half laughing and half crying cause in between being actually moved by something and feeling that feeling and cynically giggling that someone can be that stupid as to cry at something so stupid and the thing that are cynically crying about and know what I think when I walk into a place like that and see nothing but order?
301

I think what the fuck. You have nothing better to do with your lives than fucking clean?! 4. .It dont mind the house they moved It into. It feels quite homely. Everyone is nice and Jane said that if It is good It will be able to get its own key and be given the responsibility to do things with the other children when they arrive. At the moment it is just It and Jane and Janes friend. Janes friend is a big man with kind eyes and a moustache that looks like it has been alive as long as It has. It likes him. He is good to It when Jane has to do work and It is left alone with him. When Its daddy was alive he wasnt very good to It. He and mommy would be bad to It and not let It eat sometimes and when It told them that It was hungry they would laugh and tell It that life was hard and that if It was hungry enough It would eat anything but It didnt like the taste of the stuff they gave It because it tasted gone off. Daddy looked different to Janes friend. He was tall and bony and had saggy pictures all over his body and mommy had them to. It love mummy. Mummy used to be good to It when daddy was bad bad. Sometimes Daddy would be bad to Mummy and when he was Mummy was good to It and It loved Mummy. Once Daddy did something bad bad bad bad bad and Mummy loved It good good good and then Daddy loved Mummy and Mummy was sad and wouldnt play and Daddy helped her sometimes but she never played no more and Daddy left and It was own for long time and lots of time. Then Jane came and let It out and took It to a white place and the white place was strange and everyone was really shh and It felt big and everyone was scared when it talked and It felt mmm. It stayed at the white place and learnt to be big. It played game in garden with people who lived at the white place too and they were small and scarred and never look up
302

and were good to It all the time even when It was bad to them and It liked them and forgot about Mummy and Daddy. The white place there Man who you did what you were told and Man wasnt very good to It or Its friends and he told It to learn and he looked It in the eye and It was scared of him. It sometimes like the games It played at the white place and sometimes It not. It was anger once and hurt some friends. It dont really remember what happened. It just do. They tell It if do good or bad after. 5. . He has this friend right. Who was always has always to be looked after and you know everyone has those types of friend right. So anyways this friend got in trouble right. Got in trouble with the wrong sort of people to be getting into trouble with right. And he gets all beat up and goes bitchin to this guy about how he was being got or whatever by these local kiddies who thought they were tough guys right. And this guy goes to his friend who is tired of having to fight this guys battles for him cause why didnt he just be a man and fight for himself right. And anyways this guy goes at these kids you know hard and you know really does a number on them and you know its all over and done with. Turns out the kids that this guy messed up for this no good friend werent the kind of people youd be messin up and getting aways with it right. So anyway this guy comes to me like he always does and I gotta clean up his mess like I always do. 6. . You hum. You have this constant emitting of thought going thing in the back of your head all the while. Humming away in the back ground, And so thats going all the while and depending on what you like mood is its sort of splicing with the constant hum in the back of your head. And this mood takes hold of you and the bad ones are really bad because you thought get all gloom. And theyre just constantly going and in the end just ride them. They become silly. Theyre hell but when they go is like well no theres this and if you look at it

303

that and you think why so dark and you cheer yourself up and stupid stuff. You hum. 7. .I love you, babe. Know what lets go away. Yeah. A break. Something nice and relaxing. Like Greece. Nah that shit now. Economy an all that. Anwheres. But somewheres foreign. Dont matter bout money. Dont you worry bout the money Ed. Its none of your concern where I get the money just think about where you wanna go to get a fucking tan Jesus Eddie stop going on about it.[pause] Dont matter bout the new law theirs ways around. Ah. come ere. Dont be silly. Stop being worried everything is absolutely fine. Is this what you been getting in a twist about. Cmon. [f.giggle] silly little girl. Cmere. Where you wanna go? 8. . Ok stop me if this sounds pretensions. Im very aware that this could come of sounding pretentious. Ok. My thought is this. A person has. Over however many years developed a conception of reality. And when that reality. You know. Encounters things that cause it difficultly to like tie in with the conception of reality that they have for over however many years developed. Then that person must. Like. Reconfigure there conception of reality to encompass this problem right. Now. It seems to me that people who suffer from depression do so because they have encountered things that have made them question their concept of reality. And in order to get through this depression you search for a different conception of social reality. (It has become social reality now). That will help you go on living. Thats the healthy ones. The ones who dont have physical symptoms like cancer. I dont know what those guys do. 9.
.WHAT THE FUCK! THERES FUCKING KETCHUP FUCKING EVERYWHERE YOU FUCKING MONGALOIDS! YOU WELL FUCK YOU TOO YOU PIECE OF SHIT WAIT UNTIL YOUR MOM GETS HOME! SURE! YEAH FUCKING RIGHT YOU PIECE OF SHIT LIKE SHES GONNA BELIEVE A PIECE OF SHI T LIKE YOU OVER ME ANY DAY? RIGHT? FUCK YOU YOU NEEDLE DICK PIECE OF SHIT GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH YOU GAY ASS FAGGOT FRIEND THERE WHY DONT YOU BOTH GOT FUCKING BEEJ OR HOWEVER YOU DO IT IN YOUR FUCKING GAY

304

ASS ROOM WITH ALL YOUR GAY ASS FAGGOT FUCKING! FUCK YOU FAGGOT WHOS SHE GONNA BELIEVE THIS HER GAY ASS FAGGOT NEEDLE DICK PIECE OF SHIT OVER HER FUCKING BEEFCAKE HUSBAND MAN YOU TRIPPING. FUCK YOU FAGGOT. MAN YOU COULD DO IT RIGHT HERE IN THIS HERE LIVING ROOM THAT DONT PROVE YOU A MAN BOY. YOU JUST A NO GOOD GAY ASS FAGGOT NEEDLE DICK PIECE OF SHIT THAT SOON AS HE GETS SOME PUBS ON THAT NEEDLE DICK OF HIS CAN GO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE AND GO FUCK HIMSELF TO NEEDLE DICK DEATH AND I CAN GET SOME GOD DAMN PIECE AND QUIET AND SOME FUCKIN ORDER UP IN M Y HERE ABODE!

10. .The last film I really liked was the skin I live in. I think. Though that might be boring. Most people have not heard of it. Or at least of the people that I see not a lot of them really know the movie. They usually say to me that they havent heard of it and ask me if it is good and I say yes. I dont really carry on any serious conversation with those types of people. We mostly talk about work. I save the really good stuff RE: Convo for my bro. My bro is my best friend. Sometime when were at parties because I am so shy he will find pretty girls for me to talk to. He is very good at getting pretty girls to talk to us. He is good at that. He has a nice face and is charming and is not shy and they come over and we talk and someone they flirt and I get to flirt back. Me and my bro have been best friends since we were seven and we got lost in the forest behind the school and met a man and the man played with us and we were scared. Sometimes we go home with the girls and they let us do stuff and sometimes we just sit and talk for ever and listen to music and eat pizza. Once we met some girls who looked like a movie actress like we both liked and my bro let me have her even though she liked him and didnt like it very much. My bro is my hero. Once when dad was losing it and started saying mean things all the time my bro told him to gobble his pole and he did the gobble sound and he ran around the house sounding like a goose. He always cheers me up when I am sad. He doesnt talk much and I talk a lot. He always tells me to shut and keep it down and quit it. He still lets me sleep in the
305

room even though Tracey gets annoyed at me sometimes. But she has been moody lately and she tells me I get in the way all the time and that I am just there. She tells me I watch too many movies and that Ive got my head in the clouds and I tell her that she sounds like a prude and my bro tells me to shut my mouth and respect his wife and she makes everything awkward. Sometime she goes away for a while and my bro says that she is away at work but hes sad and I think that maybe she isnt away at work but even so he is still sad about her going. I am much the same. When my bro is sad I get sad and once I asked my bro if he and he said that things just happen and then theyre over and the best things to do with bad things is just try your best to forget about them. And I smile because he learned that from me and we watch a movie. 11. Dont do it dont fall asleep. The films only just started and if we dont watch it now we never will and I really want to watch it and I cant watch it if you fall asleep so dont fall asleep, k.

306

307

Chapter Nineteen
Okhe.she.cum. By the end of JanuaryI was approachinga year; a year in London. And. And I really felt ill. I mean. Not; I wasnt in bad spirits or anything like that; but I was physically just exhausted..And. And I had stomach pains. And. And I didnt, wasnt sleeping. And I was. Basically.What had happened was, that; after Brooke and I had sepebroken up; or you know; just stopping seeing each other.. I spend a lot of time just. Just being creative; and; just smoking, weed; in my room. And just. And also there was a very long bout of depression. Which; its weird: when depression sort of, grips you; No, its only; when youre in the midst of it, it; its only when youre out of it, that you realise: Oh Jesus! I was depressed for a, great deal of time there. .And I spend a great deal of time watching stuff. I think I watched the entire Walking Dead..; A lot of films. I watched the..Most of Mike Leighs films.: Naked being the, the favourite; by far..And .And Mumblecore films.. Funny Ha! Ha!,Mutual Appreciating,you know; all the Duplass films; brother films: As many as I could find. Basically just lying down; and just, smoking. And, and, and.But also being very creative. And very; see the thing is. Im always quite, got quite a lot of output, you know; theres quite a lot of.. I mean I did an album: A; Curmudgeon; album. And then I did. I made Sean.An EP of stuff; cause we were become; we were gonna be in a band..Cause wed become very, very close. And. And. And I wanted to, the band to be calledBeta Mail.. Cause I thought it was; the idea of; it was gonna be me, Sam and him. And the idea of the threesort of; I like the idea of beta males being in a band. And just, you know. Losers in a band.. And. And I done a handful ofwriting. I meanbasically I. I did avideo: Porn Admin. About a guy whoaccidentally bought too many minutes from, from a porn website. And had to ring them up and go aboutgetting his money back. Becausewell; the idea came to me because basicallya similar thing had happened to me when I was at Uni. IId been paying
308

for this website. And. And I had to; and I accidentally bought too maybe minutes. And I had to. I had to email the, the. I had to email the website. And just you know say: Look. If you look on my history, you can; you can clearly see that I do not spend this much money onon your website. And I got the money back. Which is cool..And And then I did a lot of writing. And I started. Id taken to doingthis thing where; I really liked it. I basically started going round London; and taking a pad. And just writing down everything I saw..And. And it was sort ofstream-of-conscioussort ofnarration. And. And you do it for the whole day. And it gets to the stage where, you. Youre basically: just observing. You know youre; your actual normal thought process; like: Oh. I should take this down. Or: Oh. I wonder if that would be good to write about?! .It, sort of; slowly sort of dissolves away. And you just literally just write down, what you see. And; it very nice; its very sort of. Its almost like; almost give you some sort of; a Nirvana quality. Or something.. And. And I just did stuff. Like I did a satirical: An Other Modest Proposal, thing.. But; or that might have been before. No that was before. Sorry..Im, Im. You know.. And also the writing was starting to get really dark. And lesshumorous, and more; all; there was still, there was still humour in it; a lot of it. But it was almost. It was almost nihilistically bleak; or, or. Something about it was. . You know it was. You could tell; my mind set was, in such a way. And anyway; and, and the house was, wasgetting unbearable. We .Basically what had happened is that went out on the, on the New Years with. With Roman, Sam Olivia, Kym and RyanBen; Drew couldnt come. And hehad a spare ticket. Cause, I didnt want to go. Cause I thought Id; Id end up getting too drunk. Because the thing is I really dont have anything I common with them. AndI get too drunk. And I end up doing stuff thats really sort of, inappropriate. And And wed got news from, from our close friend; from home; who lived in, in Greece; that, that hes suffered bereavement: A really sort of, nasty bereavement.. And it was just, all; bring all things sort of.And I started thinking about death again, I guess; a lot. And.And basicallywe went out to this New Years. And I got absolutely. You know I dont remember a lot; I was just so; blacked out. And I did lots of things thatI shouldnt have. And. I basically; what didnt help matters in the house.

309

And Roman.And Roman and Olive had started tobecome very hostile to me and Sam. And. And basically, they started the; having really loud obnoxious sex. And.And.And basically.And at one point.Basically they just startedsaying really;Roman, Roman especially; had started saying really, really weird, weird stuff to me. And. So started.I dont know. I was basically the. What had happened is: All this stuff had happened; over the year. Andjust, I spend most of my time in my room. Because I was doing stuff: I was actually fucking working!, as well as working a crap job in admin..At a Shiti company. .They called; subsequently; they calledSitiS(h)iti; most people had called it Shiti because of its terriblereputation for service..And. And basically.But, you know. Creative; like musically; it was working pretty well; Id got pretty; Id started to get a pretty good sound. And. Because; Idbeen taking to.Cause my money had got to the stage; Id got; I was so poor now.. I was basically living; as soon as I got my money in for the month; I was, I was; it was going out people; on, on debt. And. And I was ; I had about 100, to live off.. That was, that was sort of the standard thing, for the year. But then it started getting to the stage where it was like 50. So I realised that I couldnt afford travel anymore. So I changed my route; to. And basically I went; I walked from Streatham to Brixton: every morning. Which was nice; cause it gived me a chance to; basically I started: I just stared singing. I started singing. Because, the road is surprisingly empty. You know the buses are completely choca, full, but; cause it was probably bad weather. But no one was actually. You know, no one was. You know, no one was; was walking. You know; no one was on the streets. And. I was taken to, basicallyputting on In Rainbows; andjust singing Thom Yorkes, CauseI liked Thom Yorkes; the way that Thom Yorke sings; he very much sings very much like a singer. You know; projects a lot. And I sort of started taking to; and it makes; taking to sort of competing with him; and it makes you very uninhibited. And as a result; and I wanted to do this band with Sean, and. And hes very into sort of into that, our music. The same sort of; it sort of, very eclectic: Good taste.. Sort of; he loves Pavement which I love.; about him. You know, he loves Pavement; and Radiohead; and just; he, he. Music is his thing. He loves music. And also, he happens to be a very sort of good reader; and stuff. And also, hed you know: hed introduced me to David Foster Wallace. Which; which I just. Basically, we were; we had taken to talking
310

a lot. In our, work. Because, we both, we both hated it. And we both.Hes essentially a Socialist: As am I..And.And..And it; Ive always; find it weird about; when you say Socialist, people sort of go: Ooh. Red, eh?! Or something, equally as sort of, retarded.. Cause its just another way of forming sort of; its essentially an economic; the economy. I think.. And its a very broad term. And, its just. Essentially I just would rather havethe resources of, the fucking Country, in the hands of, of you know the population; as opposed to sort of small pockets of, wealth.. Yeah, you know; excuse me! Apologies!. Being that Im not, one of the small pockets of wealth that, has control over everything. I dont particularly like the; how the, how society has; as a result of all this; hashas managed; theres a quote by Adam Smith that, I cant; you know, Im not gonna quote it verbatim. But, Ill paraphrase it. And it was a warning, and it said thatyou know, with the: Capitalism had thepotential to create, you know, some of the stupidest humans, to have ever existed. .You know; and: just look around: Just; really impoverished people. Just really sort of, you know, theyre going; theyre wants and just completely manufactured, byby power. You know, they sort of just consume. Theyre just consumers. And theyre told what to think; and theyre told what to feel; and theyre not: Theyre, theyre broken. They sort of; some; from beinga lovelylittle baby, withall this potential; theyve managed tothrough, manipulation and, through a horrendous amount of propaganda.. And I know that this sounds preachy and stuff like that. But its just fucking true. If you read the literature: its fucking true.. Theyve; and theyre malleable; humans are very malleable; thats the thing about; thats what Chomsky; Chomsky was saying that: Thats why B.F. Skinners Behaviourism waswassuch a hit, in the 50s. Because: if people had no; if people were a Tabula Rasa, they were a blank slate, you know, you, you can , sort of justifymaking them do whatever you want them to do..Even though, you know I still dont think you can.. And perhaps Im just reading that a bit wrong, but. Sean basically; we had talked about books. And, and hed; hed been, taking to picking me up at the station sometimes. And dropping me off; wed go shopping sometime together. And used to talk about stuff.. And he was very nice. And he was. And he was, you know, he was; I dont want to bring age into things, but just to gauge: he was forty, as
311

well.. And he was decent; well he wasnt forty; he wasturning; he was thirty; late thirties. And he looked amazing you. He looked: mid-twenties. And it was cause; I think it was cause of his youth; he had a sort of youthful attitude towards life, and. Or maybe his, you know; his youthful face and appearance sort of, made him feeling younger, I dunno. Like people; I dont know whether its the; whenever I think, you know: ugly people. Some ugly people are veryhorrible; and very mean. And theres a tendency I think, to think that is just that ugly people, you know: Ugly inside: Ugly out. .But, I think a lot; some ones. Someones physical appearance, if; if there; cause they cant; even when theyre a baby; they cant see themselves; see it. But if you get reactions from people who think youre ugly. You know, it might shape your personality, to some extent. You know, and they get bullied and stuff like that. Thats why; from my experience; most good looking; really good looking people are just, the nicest people. Theyre a bit, bit dim. But, you know theyre just nice. And, and sort of; in the same veinRich people, are very; theyre lovely. You know, they; its the sort of very poor people that are really sort of, quite ugly; have ugly characteristic. Because: Rich people dont have to do much. You know, they get; they have a pretty sweet life. They get, they sort of; they have a different level; they have a different type of stupidity.. I remember the. You know. The, the, the quite wealthy people that Ive met; just completely like; almost hapless; and sort of completely oblivious to, to suff, you know, to stuff.. They do like spending money as well. Ive always noticed that. Theyre taught; you know to spend money. And like money. Andhave been given enough money to, get them to a point in their lives when theyre like: Ooh. You know what: I need money to live. Which is; I guess, you know; how the; how it happens. How the circle continues; or the cycle goes on.. . You know. The Eternal Recurrence, to be; that just sprung to mind you know; dont want to be pretentious or anything, but.: Alpha and Omega: Death and rebirth. See that is a quote from the end of The Masters of the Universe. So: See; not pretentious.

312

.And.Me and Sean. He showed me David Foster Wallace. And I was just; I was really impressed with him. To the stage where I was just sort of almost depressed; I was like: Oh. This guy is so good. But then I sort of read a bit more. And I.And I watched a lot of his interviews. And you know, that made me really like him; made me really want to talk to him; if he was still around. But. But as you, you no doubt know. He.He, he hung himself after. Or you know he killed himself, in some form; Im not sure of the actual specifics. But. After ; and left The Pale, The Pale King manuscript on his desk. And I like how he writes: For a feminine audience. But, once I got over the initial depression. I realised that the one thing that he didnt do. He didnt laugh about it all. I mean. I remember actually; the one time that Id seen; I saw an interview with him.On, by this; there was this German; I used a quote from it in one of my, blog entries .This Germanshow. And basically, he said something; we wentalong a line of thought; a lot of the times he; so this was, I think this was early 2000. He was like: .Look. .He; he was very; he didnt think any of it was gonna make it into the; into the, into the show; god, god bless the internet, you can just literally do whatever you want.. There is so much media now; I suppose it was a bit different at the time. He was going through a line of thought; and; because he you know; a Wittgensteinian; a logician; he had a very, logical thought, and stuff like that. Sort of: he always carried it through. And he said something like: You know. At the end of the day; theres this thing that, you know: You, you have to work to stay alive.. And thats why, I reckon, so many people kill themselves. .Which I just thought was one of the funniest things. And he just; and he laughed about it. And I thought: God! Thats Funny! Its very fucking funny! I dont know why youd be And he was like: Dont put it in. Please dont put that in.

313

And I dont know why you wouldnt. Its; its so good. Its so.Its so true. And its so funny. And thats the one thing thats missing from his; you know Infinite Jest and; the things he didnt like in Infinite Jest, he was. You know. People said how funny it was. But he, he didnt write it as that; it was meant to be very, very serious, and. And thats the one thing, you know.: The humour aspect. You know; people are; like I say: People are Funny. All of em: no matter how intelligent. And.And if you write long enough; youre gonna say stuff thats funny to people. Or that its just generally funny. And Infinite Jest was long. You know: I didnt get through it. I I readBrief Interviews with Hideous Men.; So far. And. And I liked that, aspect of it. It reminded me a lot of what I was trying to do; But a different way. Not. Not, you know; a completely different way. Andnot; Im not even gonna compare how good, or how intelligent, or how sort of subtle, or the context ofall this: Of his fiction. But, my, my you know; Im not really doing that..But it was very similar. And I, I wished Id got a chance to see what hed, carry on doing. I wish he didnt. You know, I wish. I wish hed. See See my thing is that. Im very much; at the stage now in my life where Im like: You know what: FUCK YOU WORLD! Youre not gonna break me. You know: life. You know; Life isnt gonna break me. Its not gonna; I meanIm gonna, this is, Im gonna: This is gonna end. This is; thats the one guarantee. This is definitely ending..And I dont know when it will be. And hopefully it will be at the end of my life. When Ive, lived a full life; and Im happy; and accepting of it. And. I dont know, you know; maybe like G. Harrison; I sort of, maybe get into sort of mediation. But I doubt that; I dont like that idea. Sort of; its a bit, I would; I like the idea of sort of; the romantic sort of; Just being aware of my bodily functions as they all fault; its all just slowly sort of, stopping. And. And basically.And I want to; and Im not gonna; ITS GONNA END! And Im not gonna; Im fucking. I am not ending it myself: fuck that! If they want to get rid of me; someones gotta kill me! Or; natures just got to sort of; my bodies just got; is gonna revert back to

314

disorder.. Because; something happened; twenty-something years ago .I was thinking about this the other day actually. I dont know whether this is me; dreams or stuff like that. But Ive; Ive been having these recollections of sort of; really fearful initial consciousness. I know that sounds weird like. Baby cribs: in a baby crib: Just confusion. And I dont know whether its just a dream. Or. I, I like the idea of; thinking that it was, its; theres glimpses of my; of initial, when you; you, you, you become self-aware. Or you become aware of something. You know. I think thats; because thats the thing; thats what I feel. I feel; Im aware of all these things. Im so aware of it.. You know: this room; of the fact that Im travelling through space; of, of air; and ofof like movement; and cause and effect; and sound: Im very, very aware of sound. And. . And always aware that I am travelling through this thing; and we dont know what the fuck it is. And. And the fact is: Really. Were; I like this idea; this is what the, the; this is my; you know: thoughts; and I dont what the fuck it means. And I dont know what; but I, this is what I cant stop thinking about. The idea that: By the very fact that we have eyes; and they are biologically; you know theyre made. Theyre, theyre sort of grown. And. All humans have eyes. And; but theyre not the same eyes as other animals or anything like that. The fact that we; and it; basically we; the world that were living in now. Like our reality. Is, is, seen..Through a process, thats in our head. And so really; with that premise: there is, for certain; we are not experiencing reality in any sort of; not even if you could. You know, I dont know. Its debatable if you could; maybe with is nonsense; maybe this is an absolute nonsense statement. This is why I cant really do philosophy..Because; I think philosophers have sort of; or scoff at this; or. I dont know. I dont know whether its even; I dont know whether its; like a said: I dont know whether its fucking genius or sheer utter imbecilic stupidity. But the idea that; but the very notion that were seeing things, or experiencing things through our head, means that: theres no way. That it is the Truth. Its just not. However, you know. But then you think whatever; you know: maybe there isnt any. There isnt any; but just what, you yourself; in this very short time that you have to live; sort of glean from, from it all. From; you; like, to quote like W.James, you know I think its: The booming, buzzing confusion
315

Or The blooming, buzzing confusion . I just. Im not, fucking. There is; the way its gonna go; and, and if; and Im gonna march forward. And onwards: always onwards. And. And if they want toshut me up. Or they want to stop it. Theyre gonna have to kill me. Or; you know; whatever. Life is gonna have to; because its a fucking struggle. It is a constant daily fight. For the absolute, horrendous sort of state of affairs that you have to endure.. On a minute by minute basis: of bodily function; of rogue thought; of insanepeople who control a lot more than they should; and this cycle of, really just endlessnonsense.. You know: g,g,government ministers , adopt beliefs to get power. And they dont really; you know, thats the thing, you know; when; when like, Aristotle was talking about; not AristotleyeahNo, whenYeah, Aristotle was talking about Democracy. He envisioned; or Plato was talking about. I think it was Aristotle; Im pretty sure it was Aristotle. He was talking about, how the; it would be led by Guardians, of, of, of; these sort of philosophic Guardians who would work for the good of the all. And that was the only way that it would work. And. And thats very nave isnt it. Because; more than not;. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! Its; and the idea that were; were in a society. And were sort of; this place. And. You know: Ah. Manufacturing is good. And Ooh. Plastics! And. you know. .You know, you gotta ashort term growth. And Youve got to think of the Economy! And. And all this stuff; its just, I: its just bleats. Theyre just sounds: Coming from a mammal. Who; has, you know, unrealistic ideas of what is achievable. And what can be achieved. And what; and you dont really know; and dont stop; and reflect enough, to realise the damage that its causing: On everything.. I mean. If you really. If you really sort of reflected; and you really sort of; thought about what, you know; youre actions actually did. You know, how they rippled on, how
316

they caused you know countless other sort of reactions. Youd youd be very, youd be urbane. And youd be quite. And youd still for a great deal of time. Because; and thats the sad thing. That, you know; not only have we; we completely, taken over the world. You know, from, from, from that; natural; you know, from Nature. Weve also just; weve started attacking it, in a quite horrible way. And. And without any sort of; without any thought for, really what the, what the .Basically you know, they dont, you know: no one gives a fuck about the future: They care about the Now. Because; there is a very, very, very clever way that; or just, not even; theres, I wanna say clever; the thing is: none of this is conscious. This isnt; theres not evil sort of Puppet Masters in the, in the wings. Its just: things are happening. And, and occasional people reflect on them. And when you do reflect on them.You realise that.You know. It; theres no abstraction. Theres no thought. Theres no reflection behind it all. And its just people doing stuff; without, you know; just doing whatever they; day to day, whatever they want to do. To sort of get them through this; the fact that.And thats why people, you know; go and lock themselves away; and, and start fantasizing about stuff. And sort of, get gripped with, computer game: online games. And all this sort of stuff.. Or just endless films; or whatever sort offetishes. And sex addiction: And all this addiction. Its just.Its a way to sort of.. Its a way to. Its a self-deception of; involved in it. I think its just; to save you from really: just despair. At.At what, you know; what can be achieved. At what is achievable; and what is actually happening. And. Its all just very sad.

317

Chapter Twenty
Id developed a portentous cough. ThatI think was irritating people at work.: Because it was quiteshrill. Or it, sort of; it made a tone. My dog at home does this; this bark. And it very, very, very irritating and; I think its almost designed to be irritating. And; I think people get annoyed when a sound is, is harsh. People get annoyed with sound. And so I was very aware that I shouldnt; I tried, I tried to supress this cough. But you know. Id been feeling really ill. Thered been a sort of bug going around; like an illness going around. And I got it. And, like I say: I hadnt been sleeping..And. And the situation at home was really, really bad. And me and Roman and Sam had a falling out. And Roman said he was, he was gonna move out. But then, what had happened was hed. Hed not.; He wasnt talking to us. But what he did was he invited; Olivia: and Im pretty sure Olivia had instigated it. Being that sheswed started to really, really started to feel that she was somewhat Lady Macbething it. And that Roman was, really just haplessly sort of fallen in love. And he was our friend still. But what had happened is; she was you know getting annoyed with him. Because stuff like; he used to be the messiest person in the world. I mean he was a filth bag; he was absolutely filthy. And then; things started happening like, wed get text saying: New rule: everyone does their own washing up. And.At one point; I heard him, him saying something like; he was in the kitchen. And she was like: Roman! Come in; the films about to start! And he was like: Yeah, yeah; two seconds, babe: Just finishing the washing up; someones gotta do it. And. And it made me very, very sad. And very angry: Because that wasnt; I just felt that, something had happened: And changed everyone. And the City was sort of manipulating them; their personalities. And it was very, very weird. And. And as one point I, I got very, very angry at Sam. And. Just for something stupid like: hed took my last two pieces of my bread. Andhe didnt tell me. And I was like:
318

Why didnt you just tell me? And he said: I just did. And I got very, very angry; I had to go into my room. Andhe knocked on my door. Because I couldnt afford weed; and he had been like supplying me with weed. Which I sort of thought; actually it was the reason he had started to be hostile toward me. Because he thought that he had the; this thing over me. But I didnt really care. I was just trying to be sociable. Because he; it was very hard to actually touch him. And. And. And then I yelled through the. I yelled through the wall: I dont want any of your drugs: You coward! And he came in. And he was physically sort of, fizzing. And he looked very, very angry. And he looked nervous, and sort of. And he.And it is very, very hard to communicate when youre that angry. And I was like: Just go away. I cant talk to you. I cant talk to you. Go away. . But wed resolved it. But, but; eventually. And then Roman.And the Roman had, sent us this; sent Sam some E-mails about his depression. And saying thathe needs to get; and if he wasnt man enough, or wasnt strong enough to seek help; then, you know; Roman felt sorry for him. And it was very, very condescending. I felt; I felt it was tantamount to bullying. And so I sent him an email. And he came back. And he said: Well fuck you both: Im moving out! . And. And he had a problem with his asthma..Because the house stunk of weed. And. And it did; it really did, stink of weed. And. And basically.He hadnt talked to us, for two days. And then he invited all of his friends: Olivia, and Olivias sister. And a couple of other; and a friend from work. And, they all went into the front room; and started watching stuff. And. And they werent talking to me or Sam. And it was all very, very sinister. And. And at one; and I really, really felt that; basically wed been there when he was really, really pissed off with Louise. And I felt like he; it was literally like we just like housemates. We werent friends; we were just his annoying, nuisance housemates. And he was trying to, just be with his girlfriend. And we were in the way. And I was fucking angry at him. Cause hes a selfish fucker! And he doesnt think! And. And him and Olivia had started saying stuff to me that was really disturbing. Like every so often I was talking to them and. And she, she always mentioned stuff like. I was like:

319

Oh yeah.A funny thing happened. We went to; I was hanging out with my mum And she was like: Oh. You didnt have sex with her did you!? AndAnd Roman sort of mentioned stuff about how. All this; basically I like the, I like the aesthetic of Kubrick. And, and sort of, that that sort of stuff. You know, quite sort of weird, bizarre; but sort of quite beautiful framed, and stuff. And he was like; he commented and stuff: Oh. I Since the he.she.cum video Basically the he.she.cum video was. Id saw this androgynous, model. And I thought; I was really attracted to him. And it was his manliness that I was attracted to; which has never happened to me. And I thought that I wanted to explore that. And so I wrote this song. And it had sort of; it wasyou know: facetious, and didnt take itself too seriously. And it was really good. And I liked it. And. It was the closest Id come to; in music, what Id been doing in writing that I liked so much. And I did a video for it: Cause I thought it was a perfect video. Where I was dancing, very weird; I basically wanted it to look like sort of Warhol eramovies. These deluded sort of, addicts who; and it was really low-fi. And sort of, it made it all very seedy. And I was, was; I had a camera set up. And I was singing the song into a mirror. And then; I was wearing a Kimono. And then, as the songended, Iremoved the Kimono. And I, track out; sort of pull back out. And revealed that I; use know, Id basically; Id tucked mymy penis and you know, my testicles under. Basically like..Buffalo Bill or whatever, in, inin The Silence of the Lambs..Because it was funny; and. And ever since then; they really started; everyone really started sort of; just not knowing any; you know, they were weirded out by me. And. And it was really depressing. Because it was one of the most proud; proudest things Id done. Because it was hilarious; and it was good. And it was relevant. And; aesthetically brilliant. And. And Roman started saying stuff, like; about rape. And sort of; how; you know; when he saw pictures like that; of me..Or, or..you know. He sort of, saw a picture of me. And; the one thats on the front cover; in the mirror..Looking out with aZebra mask on; and.He was like: Oh. That just reminds me of. Whenever I see that; I just imagine you sort of just about to rape someone. .And I was like:
320

. Does, does everything, that you; every sort of thing that you think of, with me; involve what: rape? And he was like: Yep! Pretty much! And it was probably a tad my fault. Because; on the New Year; Id got very, very drunk. And.And started basically sort of hitting on everyone: Including Olivia. And Id done it a number of times. Just because Olivia is a massive flirt; and I assume that. I mean before Roman and Olivia got together. I mean; shes got with Sam; and Im pretty sure Id kissed her. But I cant remember because I was bland drunk: and everyone gets fucking blind drunk! And does stupid stuff.. And I was; I was still thinking about my friends Dad. And; who killed himself. And I; because he was; he was in too much pain. That was the thing that got me. It was just: completely justifiable, I think..And. And I got too drunk. And I didnt want to be around these people. Because they were vacuous; and I didnt like them. And they made me feel like I was an idiot. And that.And they didnt get me. And everything I said to them they sort of; it went through a filter in their head. And it was almost like I was; I dont want to be around people where the projection of; Im; that they have of me is so; I can see that theyre not seeing me. Theyre not; theyre not: they dont know me! And anyway.All this was happening. And I was at work. And. And the Client had really, really; it had fallen fucking apart! Cause; the Shiti systems.And the workload was so big. And basically all of the; all of the responsibility of it all, the way; the sale of the shares was onmy head. Basically; I had to send over the spreadsheet. And if the spreadsheet was wrong; I was culpable. And you had basically just people; upper management and stuff just; it was; and me and Ash basically. Because Ash was; Ash was even worse. The job; she got this job. And the job; and basically she was still doing all her old jobs. And they were just: it was just a fucking scam! Its a s cam to; make more money in, Recession. And they gave her a job. Because she was really accepting; and shed work her balls off. And she could be controlled. And. And it was me Jon, and Ash. And; and Fred. And Fred had been hired to sort of help with the administration. Because Cath had been fired; once, we released that she was rubbish. She was just taking into a room and just fired..She left; becauseshe was basically on.. She was, had a yellow badge. And they had these yellow badges. .That basically mean you are on probation. And theres blue
321

badges which mean youre not. And its, like fucking. Its like, its like Nazi occupied Poland. Its, its fucking grotesque. And. And Fred.And Fred had been hired. And Fred was a neurotic. And he was an anthropologist. And he was lovely. But he was, just a kid. And they; and. And at one point; and we were doing all this work; and at one point Ash. Ash and Jon, I walked over and I heard Jon saying: What should I say? .And Ash saying: Just say that due to unforeseen circumstances And is sort of; and then they stopped. And. And I was pretty sure they were gonna fired Fred. They were gonna make Fred be blamed. Because; theyd seen the Client; and the Client was not happy. And problem with the Client was that; the Client had outsourced a lot of their internal stuff, as well. Like; not just to us: to everyone. Because its the way to; like I say its the way to claw back money in a recession. And: no one knew what the fuck was going on! And I was really, really stressed. And I had this cough. And I had constant stomach cramps; and pains. And.And I had barely eaten. And I had lost about a stone, since Id moved down there. And I was already very, very thin; I was about, I was pushing eleven stone then. And.And I was gaunt; and exhausted. And.And I was in good-spirits. But I just mean physically: my; the drain on; I didnt want to let it get, get the better of me. But the drain was just. And basically; what had happened is; the first allotment; wherewhere people were about to make a lot of money. And, and basically the system that we, downloaded all the request from; from the Clients website had, crashed: Because it was rubbish. And everyone knew it was rubbish. But noone wanted to tell anyone. .And so wed missed off, I think it was 70 People. Out of about1,500 People; whod put their requests in: maybe a bit more; maybe a bit less. And. And I was just.And we rushed about; and I told Ash. And we rushed about, sort of putting it through. And. And we found acouple more. I think it was 150 in total; or something like that. And we had to; you have to sort of, talk to the previous administrators: cause they hold all the money. And, theres all this sort of. You know there all this sort of hostility: underline hostility; underneath the veneer of just this; smiley faces and stuff like that.

322

And. Its just grotesque. And, and; the manager of the floorcame out, of his room. And was like rushing about. Cause hed got it from higher up that they need to put these through, things through. And I was saying to Ash: You shouldnt put them through. Because, the market could, could you know rise. And.And.And the thing is; doing this is just gonna ensure that theres gonna be more mistakes. And she was like: Just. You know; just do it. Just do what youre told. And. Basically we put it through. And.And basically what had happened is; something silly like: someone had got sold twice. Put on two spreadsheets. Because we were working from a number of complains. We had to handle all these complaints. And people were just ringing up; saying: Wheres my money?! Wheres my free money that, you know, I didnt really earn. And; that doesnt really exist: Where is it?! And I could no longer talk to people on the phone. And Id really started losing it. And. And were as; when Id started the job, Id got short hair; and you know unshaved; Id not just got, you know: thick unkept beard, and long hair cause I was growing my hair into a ponytail: Out of protest. And I started wearing Pokmon necklaces, in sort of passive aggressive; not even passive aggressive, aggressive sort of, ways. Because, you know; basically; at one point; Jon had; Jon was basically Ashssubordinate; Ashs second-charge. And he took me into; he took me into; he took me upstairs. And; I remember Kerr was there. And, and I love Kerr. She was, my friend. And.Wed been talking a lot. She was a Socialist. And. And I just. Id fallen sort of in love with her. Again; and trying to tell my brain that it was stupid. But I had. And. And she had a boyfriend: obviously. And. And basically I got; I got this; I went up-stairs. And Kerr was there; she was ttraining up this; she was basically having a meeting on the fifth floor. They go upstairs when they were sort of rebuking people; or training them. And she was there with this new girl. Becauseshed had to; Kerr had to fire some. Becausehe was, he has inept. And he was being mean to her..And. And basically Jon was, saying: Youre standards are slipping, Michael. And I was like: Well of course they are..Im really, really not happy.
323

And I had the most candid conversation with him. And I talked about, everything; even death. And how the fact that you know; all Im really concerned about is what, you know; the short amount of time that Ive got left. And I dont want to be working in a place that; and he was like: But you realise that; you know; Offices, you know: theyre all like this. And I was like: Yeah but, you dont, you: people shouldnt have to be living like this. This is all fucking bullshit. And. And he sort of; he liked the candour. And, but I think he was; started to worry. I mean managerially; it was a, it was a worry. And. And basically what had happened is: I talked to Ash. Ash had taken me into a room. She was like; a sort of a catch up. Because wed become very close friends. And she was absolutely lovely. And, lots of people on the team I just, just adored. Like; you know: Harrison, Willis, and Vince, and Sean. And Tracey: Tracey was just like this sixteen year old girl; you could see it in her eyes: Just; obstinate girl; just fucking hating the fact that she had to take orders from people. And we really connect because of that. And Renee was crazy. And she; and I loved her. And she.And she was really super-sexual; and she was bi-sexual. And she wrote Erotica. And just. Kerr; And More. And all these people that were lovely. And And all the managers You know, not on my team. But you know the seedy horrible managers. Like Kerr and More; they worked on discretionary, and;with, with Toph. And they got a new manager. And this manager: He told one of the guys on the team; when they were at the Christmas party. He was like.. Oh. You. Er. He was silver haired. And he was; and. And he was; he was like a manager robot. And he was like: Oh. You ever.You ever had a blowjob from a man? And. The guy was like; Tom he was. He was like: Erm. No.Er. No, cant say I have. And he was like:
324

You know: dont knock it til youve tried it. And he; they were at this place. Over there. You know; one of my mates gave me a blow-job. You know; thats all Im saying. And; this stuff; these people are giving orders to people. And how; you know; how can you look at someone; and be scarred of them. Or be; respectful of them. When theyre like that: At the route of it. And Harrison was saying some of the disgusting stuff he was saying about his wife. And. And Harrison was really like me. And really sort of: sensitive. And he was lost. And he, he was a sot. And.And it was all just getting too much for me. And.And Ash took me into thethe meeting room; Next to the manager of the floors from. And, next to; right next to Kerr; Kerr sits outside it. And shes lovely. And; shes a blond little pixie. And.And, and; and Im so attracted to her. And. And I did; I went out for a day. And I brought her tones of presents. Cause I wanted to just; I wanted to buy her stuff. And she got annoyed with it. But you know, were still; friends now..But.I just love her. And I want her..And. And we went into this room. And Ash was like: . Jon told me that youre unhappy. And.And I said: I said: Yeah.Yeah I am unhappy. And she was like: Do you want to talk about it? And.And I sort; much the similar stuff. I was saying; we had a really long chat actually. And I was saying about; about everything. And I started to talk about death again. But just because, you know; thats naturally where I got. And; and you know if you want just; if people want to talk to me about stuff; its not about: Oh. This; I dont like the work load. And shit like that: Its just work. I dont really mind about that sort of stuff. Its not; its all the other stuff that. Its the psychology of, of them all. Of all these people that just.You knowmasquerade as, as something theyre not. And.And you know it got; it gets to the stage where; you do these jobs.

325

And you; youre like spat out, by business afterwards. And. And you dont know what to do with your life. And my Dad.It took my Dad a great deal of time to; just know what to do with his time. Now that he had so much of it..Hes better now though. You know: people, you know; quickly adapt. And. And anyway so; and at one point she was like: Do you think.Do you think every, you know She was very sympathetic. She was saying, how; at times she, how she fucking hated the job. And how she, she thought she was gonna kill someone. Or lose her mind. And. She was: I like Ash; a lot. And. And basically.She said: Dou think, youd benefit from seeing someone? Like a shrink or something. Siti offer aa service. Or something like that. And I was like: .Well to be honest, Ash. You know. I; Ive read a lot of stuff that thy, would have read you know. And advise. And so I know what, you know. And that was a bit sort of, facetious and hyperbolic. But; to be honest, thats a; you know. These; you get these sort of, Business sort of shrinks who; read sort of text books; modern textbooks. And dont even read the original sort of; you can read sort of psychoanalyst; analytic; or sort of analytic-psychology of something like that. Or anything: you know W.James or Sociology or Psychology: read the source material. Read the fucking texts! Do not read a re-hashed modern interpretation of the text. That is easy to digest. Because it; if you dont read what they actually said; you dont know what they actually meant. And its, its all in the context of it. And all the nuisances; you know. FuckingAdam SmithsInvisible Hand quote is completely out of context. Its; but its almost; antonymous; its almost, the polar-opposite of what it actually is; he actually meant by it. And. And she was very interest in this conversation. And, and she was like: Ok. Well. And I started talking about, you know; how weve only got a limited amount of time. And I dont want to be wasting it. And.And all of it, you know. And it sort of brought around; she. And she asked me; basically. We basically we got to, you know: What made you start, really; Thinking this way? And stuff like that. And. And I basically said to her, you know:

326

All .Because its true. It all stems from: my Nan.

.Now my Nanny Mac. Weve heard like, that shed had a horrible life. But we only knew her as Nanny Mac. She was decrepit. And shed had arthritis. And she could barely walk; and move around. And she was lovely. And she was. She always laughed at, sort of. All her kids thought she was stupid. But she was always just laughed, and stuff. She was.She was; like she would say something. She said to. She said something like: Oh I dont like that David Blunkett. And my Dad was like: Why.Whats wrong with him!? And she was like: Oh: I dont trust his eyes. And she was just joyous. And then when my Dad was like: Hes blind, you idiot!! She was like: Ooh! Is heooh! Is he?! And she was; just this this lovely Irish lady; who still retained her Irish accent. And she you to.She used to. And she knew my Nanny Margaret. Before my, my Dad and my Mum had got together. And.She used to be a teacher. And she used to teach us Maths, and English. And . And she got ill. You know. I mean the first.One of the first.When I was; the secondyear of Uni.. It was actually; it was the end of the first year. It was the summer after the first year of Uni..And.And we. And she got ill. And she got taken into hospital: Because she had aa sort of cancerous growthor a tumour on her brain. And she.And basically we.

327

And me and my Dad had taken time off to watch this Argentina game: Because it was meant to be a really good one..Because the.The Euros or The World Cup were on. And basically we.We.We took this time of; we were just about to have a beer. And then; I think we maybe, maybe we did have a beer. I dont know. And then we got a phone-call. And it was the doctor. And he said, you know: Its really bad. You should come and; say your goodbyes, and stuff. And. And MeDad and Annabel went to the hospital. And.And .And we went in there. And hospitals are just: sterile; and there so much. And theyre so sort of. Theyre all: I dont like them. Like most people. Theyre weird. And theyre all clean. And. And theyre full of people. This London hospital was just full of people. It might have been the; I think it was the place where I was born. And. And.And she .We walked.We went to see her. And. And normally; we.A number of times shed been in hospital. And youd go and see her. And shes just like: Ooh. Hello. Ahh; youve bought me some stuff: Aww. How are you doing? And stuff like that..Andyou know; so I was used to seeing her in hospitals. And so we went there.And we.Basically got. We got there. And shed; she. Later in her life; basically cause she had to do therapy, or chemotherapy or whatever; she lost her hair. So she had a wig. And the wig was off. And. And she was frantic. And. And we just sort of stood there whilst she was; the nurse was helping her or; I cant really, you know I cant really remember. I cant remember anything more than me, my Dad; and my Nan..And her wig was off. And she was frantically muttering gibberish: Because the tumour had, had pushed on her brain; or, or; on, on the speech part of her brain. And she was just talking nonsense. And..And I cant remember what my Dad was doing. But. All I remember feeling was just; the, the horrible feeling that, you know: Is she trying to tell me something? . You know, is there, is she; cause: it wasnt just ceaseless nonsense. It was short bursts of it. It was like; the tumour had pushed on something. And, she was trying to say something; but the words were coming out wrong. And. And I remember just saying like: .Sorry Nan: I just dont understand you..I dont understand what youre saying.
328

And. There was; there was a horrible feeling that she wasnt really there. And it was just me projecting this sort of stuff. And. Then.And I just; and also; I remember the whole time: There was no. There was no .There was no emotion. LikeI wasnt, I wasnt feeling sort of: heartbroken, or, oror scared; or frightened; or you know, like in films: where youd have this speech. And like: Dont worry Nan. IllIll make sure that Dads ok. And All that sort of stuff: it was just. I just felt; very there: in the room, and; while this old lady was; just, sort of: short bursts of nonsense at me. And. And it was just. It was really real. And I didnt know how to take it, And so I was telling Ash this. And.Andshe was like: Well, you know And, and we talked. And we talked; like I say we talked for about an hour and a half. And then she.And she was like: Well. You know. You seem to. You seem to know what you want; what you want to do.. I wish I could leave. I wish I wasnt And she was just. And she was saying: But arent you scared? And I saw like: .You knowNo: Im not scared of anything; Apart from wasting it, all. You know. And. So anyway; so I; I said Id give; Id hand my notice in. And. We had another meeting, and; with Jon and her. And she; and it was managerial; more managerial than the other one. You know, she was; she wasnt. She was very open in this one. And in the next on with Jon; she was not as open. And sort of; and basically.We; she was like: Have you changed your mind? And I was like: No, no. And she was like: Well. Ok. If you; if you hand; the sooner you give us your notice; the soon we can. The easier it will be to, to find your replacement. You know; you dont have to give; as long as you give a month, it doesnt matter; you can give six weeks; whatever.

329

.And. So I had.I basically, Id; they set up a catch up meeting. For like a; in a couple of days; She set up a catch up meeting for a Friday. So.IId done up the, the notice; cause I, I was planning to basically; I realised that; you know: I didnt like London. And I was gonna go move home. And.And start again. And see, which way Id go now. And, and find; you know: strive towards happiness. And.And I really wanted to do the blog. And be creative. Cause I thought that I was good at it. And it was all I enjoyed. And, you know; and Id shown people at work. And theyd actually; cause the thing about people at work. And Sean, and stuff like that, is: That they actually were, responsive to it. And they liked it. And; there was no; there was just: Oh this is really good; youre so talented, and And Ive never heard that before really. And it was just quite an incentive to; I sort of realised that: Wait there. I think my mistake is that Ive been spending time with the wrong people. And So I thought, you know: Im gonna get out of this, place. And .And basically I. The meeting was for the end of the day: At 5o clock. And I went in there. And basically; the day before I had a really shit day. And I thought that, Id throw the letter on Ashs desks. And then I thought: This is childish! And sort of So I took it off and put it in my draw. And. And. And basically I.I got; went into the room. And I remember I had three pens with me; I dont know why; And Ash and Jon where there. And she was like: Why have you got 3 pens with you? And I was like: Pfff: I dont know; One for each of us. And then she was like: And then.The tone changed..And she started talking. And she became very, very; she; she almost like: shivering. And she was like: .Ok. Youre aware that I had the meeting with the Client. Now.. Theyre not happy. And.And as a result.Ive talked toReese & Dove

330

And Dove wasthe new manager of, of Sharesave.. I remember the first time I met him. He was like: Oh. I knew youre Dad; yeah; used to work with your Dad. Bit of a legend he was. And. And they said: Weve talked to Dove; And Reese. And weve come to the conclusion that. Were gonna suspend you; with pay; for two weeks. While, whilst we investigate; what we done wrong on our end. And. And I was just shocked. Not; I just mean physically shocked. I dont retain much of it; of the event. Because: it was justit was like a sucker-punch; Again. And. And I was like: Well. And I tried my best to sort of maintain my composure, and stuff. And I was like: Well And I started sort of: This is; I mean: youre aware that: Are they aware that Im leaving?? And Ash said: Well. Weve mentioned it. And I was like: But; you know: Are you aware that Ive got my notice in my draw? And that Im gonna give it to you; I was gonna give it to you today. But I didnt that to bring it in the meeting. And she was like: Oh, no. no; I didnt notice that. And. And basically; I was like: Well can I speak to Dove? And I brought Dove in; and she was like: Well, yeah; yeah. Ill got get him. She brought Dove in; and. And.And he basically said:

331

Well you know, Michael. You know, whilst; whilst there has been a number of issues And I was like: But you know its been a disaster, Dove. .You know, there have been a number of mistakes on your part, and. And I was like: Did I mention; did Ash mention and, did Ash and Jon mention that, you know. Im; I was leaving?? And he was like: Well; theres been; theyve mentioned something. And I was like: But, you know Ive got my leaver letter with me? And he was like: No. No I didnt know that. . I was like: Its my draw. . And I was like: Is there a possibility that I will get fired? And he was like: I cant comment on that at this moment. .And he was like: Well; you know; and you know, its with pay. And I was like: But; you know I; I completely understand, you know, where youre coming from: Business wise. Its a very good business decision. But, I just want you to know; youre aware that I know that you; I am being essentially.. You know sort of. This is happening to placate a client. I know this. I know that this is happening. This is the reason that this is happening. And he was like:
332

Well, you know. Theres lots of different; theres myriad factors. And. And And he was very; you could tell that he was very. He was almost embarrassed by it all. And he couldnt really hold my gaze. And. And I didnt really; I wasnt really angry at any of them. Because it was; it was just bizarre. It was just. And I; you know, one of the things that I thought was: God! What a good ending it will make for a book. .You know, and. And.You know; I just; I just. And.And anyway Dove left. And he.And Ash and Jon were still in there. And they were like; and before Ash had; Sort of; Ash went to get Dove. And I was like: How long have you; how long have you know this? Basically I said: How long have you had to carry this around? And he was like: .We found out yesterday. And.And I remember the day before; that Jon had, had just got up and left. You know. At 5:30 you know, hes normally very nice. And sort of: See you later, everyone. He just left. And I thought at first he was pissed off with someone. Turned out; I reckon it was probably the fact that, this injustice was happening. And; because Jon liked me; and I liked Jon. And. And we were all; we all worked together through it. And. And basically Ash .Ash and Jon basically said: You know that you dont have to give your notice in.You know; you can put your notice in now. You can be; put it in now? And I knew that they were trying to tell me something. Because basically they said: You this is; this is all beingrecorded for; you know; record: on record And I was like: Well. Ok.Dyou think; Ok dyou think thats a good idea? And Ash gestured to me; like frantically with her eyes. That it was.
333

And. And. And I was like: Ok?! And. And they; and then basically they said: Look, well. Well get; but; well, well be in touch with you in the next week or so. But what Im gonna have to do now. Is Im gonna have to; escort you out of the building. So youre gonna have to clear your desk. And Im gonna have to escort you out of the building. And I was like: Ok?! And it was like 5:15. And. So I went to my desk. And got.And I got, you know; just some stuff; from my desk. And everyone was sort of just; going about their business. And I looked at Harrison; and looked around at everyone; and Harrison sort of, looked at me. And; I dont know whether; and he.He gave me a look like; you know like: .What can you do?! And. And so I dont know whether he knew. And.Basically I.I walked; and Ash; and then Ash was like: Ill take you down! And Ash took me down. And she was; she was literally seething with anger. And she was like: Fucking And then she was like: There worst thing is; Ive had to do this four times since Ive started here! And. And she was like: But no! No! Im not gonna fucking let them!.Even if; even if it means I have toput you; you know; you have; you get on Garden Leave and work youre notice you know And I was like: Ash dont worry about it. Justlook after yourself: Ill be absolutely fine. And. And I gave her a hug. And, you know; left the building. I had to hand in my note; my pass in. And.And I left the building. And. And I walked up the road. And I got on the train. And Ibut.I bunked the train to Brixton. And then
334

I was walking from Brixton to, up to Streatham Hill: good walk. And and like Every so often I just, just kept: laughing; just, just literally joyously laughing: at, at it all. Because . Because its, its really only after you put it down on the page that you realise how grotesque it all is: you know; before that it just seems funny.

335

This book was distributed courtesy of:

For your own Unlimited Reading and FREE eBooks today, visit: http://www.Free-eBooks.net

Share this eBook with anyone and everyone automatically by selecting any of the options below:

To show your appreciation to the author and help others have wonderful reading experiences and find helpful information too, we'd be very grateful if you'd kindly post your comments for this book here.

COPYRIGHT INFORMATION
Free-eBooks.net respects the intellectual property of others. When a book's copyright owner submits their work to Free-eBooks.net, they are granting us permission to distribute such material. Unless otherwise stated in this book, this permission is not passed onto others. As such, redistributing this book without the copyright owner's permission can constitute copyright infringement. If you believe that your work has been used in a manner that constitutes copyright infringement, please follow our Notice and Procedure for Making Claims of Copyright Infringement as seen in our Terms of Service here:

http://www.free-ebooks.net/tos.html