Clock Hour Requirements for Psychology Certification Written by Jason Hunter

COLD OPEN INT. HISTORY CLASS - DAY We join a lecture in progress with PROFESSOR CORNWALLIS. The study group and other students seem engaged. Superimposed over the image is 9:03 A.M. PROF -and Calvin Crocodile Coolidge, as he was known at the time, flaked on the bet; therefore forever immortalizing the term being a croc. CLASS (together, interested) Ohh! PROF So. Your next assignment, due tomorrowCLASS (together, disappointed) Ohh PROF -will be to tell the class about some lesser known facts of a president of your choosing. You will team up in groups of two(the study groups hands go up) -or in your very codependent case, seven. The study group smile in self satisfaction, as their classmates roll their eyes. PROF (CONTD) Most importantly visual aids are required and it will count for 10% of your grade. Class dismissed. Everyone starts to shuffle out of class. INT. STUDY ROOM - DAY

Annie, BRITTA, TROY, ABED, SHIRLEY and PIERCE begin filing into the study room to make their way to their normal seats. JEFF can be seen slowly following his friends while texting. Superimposed over the image is 9:09 A.M. ANNIE So, who should our president be? TROY Jimmy Carter. Dudes a badass. Did you know he invented the peanut? PIERCE Troy Fredrick Douglas invented the peanut. Jimmy Carter invented drug trafficking. BRITTA How about Gerald Ford? Everyone groans. The group is now seated. PIERCE Hes the Britta of presidents. BRITTA Pierce! SHIRLEY (course correcting) Meaning hes the best. BRITTA Oh! Ok, Pierce and I are in. (Pierce cuts Shirley a mean look) Anyone else? Abed? ABED No, hes the Britta of presidents. (Britta smiles hopefully) Meaning hes the worst. (her smile fades) ANNIE Britta, why do you like Gerald Ford? BRITTA

Duh doy! Gay marriage? ABED Ford was a republican. BRITTA (perplexed) Then who am I thinking of? ABED I think we should seriously consider doing a Lincoln parody. Jeff would make a great Daniel Day Lewis. The group turns to Jeff, who has been texting and not paying attention. He looks up, realizing hes now the center of attention. JEFF I could go for a soy milkshake. The group looks confused and annoyed. JEFF Ok what were we talking about? SHIRLEY We were just trying to choose a president to do for our presentation. JEFF Well in that case, it doesnt matter. All presidents are the same, pointless. BRITTA Amen! ANNIE Figures. Do you ever get tired of being the smarmy pessimist of the group? JEFF Smarmy? Annie shrugs, satisfied with herself. JEFF

Your misuse of adjectives aside, this is one subject Im an expert in. Every president in history has been a rich scam artist whos known how to say what people want to hear just enough to get elected and then bam; its an easy street paved with book deals and Golden Globe appearances. PIERCE (said like amen) Obama! The group stares down Pierce. PIERCE What?? It was fine when Britta said it! ANNIE (to Jeff) Well in those terms, I guess that makes you the president of this group. TROY OH! Someone just got burned like a Jimmy Carter peanut! Now the group looks in confusion at Troy. Troy leans towards Abed, yet whispers loud enough for everyone else to hear him. TROY I only know like three presidents. JEFF You guys are missing the point. Its a presentation on lesser known facts of scam artists. And if theres one thing I know its scam artists. So Ill just get up there and toss around some random facts that could apply to any president slash lawyer, Winger it up, and Bam, A plus. ANNIE Well thats ironic. Scamming a teacher about scammers?

PIERCE (half a beat late) I get it! Its a paradox! Pierce looks to Abed for confirmation, but Abed shakes his head. The character Paradox can be seen walking by in the far background behind Pierce, but the show does not draw attention to it. BRITTA Shes got a point. For someone trying desperately to convince us hes New Jeff, it sounds like you would handle this situation much like Old Jeff. You know, regression is the first sign of addiction. JEFF No, thats the definition of addiction, Dr. Katz. Annie and Shirley share a confused glance, being both too young and out of touch to get the pun. JEFF Look, I am New Jeff. But its not an overnight transformation. There may be some lingering traits of Old Jeff, and this is one of them we can actually use. Shirley (in realization to Annie) Because she likes cats! They share a moment of joy, thinking they have cracked the pun. JEFF Why are you guys fighting this? ANNIE Because OLD Jeff, maybe the rest of us dont feel like coasting through life, scamming people to get ahead. (suddenly and proudly)

The Winger way! TROY Dang! That was a JimmyJeff cuts a look across the table, cutting Troy off. Troy bows his head in embarrassment. JEFF Fine. You guys work hard and earn a B, and Ill do my own project and Wing it. (looks to Troy, who shrugs) Really? ANNIE Fine with us. Ive already got some great ideas. Well work hard and still be done with time to spare. Abed, we could even do a Lincoln quote. That would be kinda meta, right? Abed nods, now interested in the project. PIERCE Now I get it! Its meta. Abed contemplates it and gives Pierce a half obliging look of confirmation. PIERCE (excited) Eat it, Andy Kaufman. END OF COLD OPEN

ACT ONE INT. STUDY ROOM DAY The group (sans Troy and Jeff), stand around the diorama from Paradigms of Human Memory, instead this time its sans Jeff and features the rest of the dolls dressed in Civil War attire. 1:13 P.M. is superimposed. ANNIE You guys! This is coming out great! SHIRLEY Yes. Who knew recycling could be so academic? BRITTA (disappointed) I did last year, when I invited you to that global warming seminar. Troy enters, holding an old looking suit and top hat. He hands them to Abed. Abed puts the hat on and sets the suit to the side. ANNIE Troy! What took you so long? TROY Sorry. I got locked in the theater department. I had to wait for the Dean to come pick an outfit for pizza day. ABED Were having pizza today? ANNIE Okay. So after we all state our facts, Shirley will hand out Lincolns favorite cookieShirley raises a tray of the plainest looking cookies ever on a Shirleys Sandwiches platter. SHIRLEY (pleased) White.

ANNIE - and then Abed will close with a quote from the Lincoln movie. Just to add some flash. ABED (done in his best Lincoln voice) It should be noted, in the midst of our sorrow, this death takes place in the shadow of new lifeJEFF (O.S.) Thats Wrath of Khan. The gang all yelp in surprise. WHIP PAN to reveal Jeff sitting at the other study table. JEFF Abed, have you seen Lincoln? ABED Not entirely. ANNIE Jeff! What are you(in realization) Uh, Abed! (back to Jeff) What are you doing here? Its not enough to mess up your own project, now youre trying to mess up ours? JEFF (defensive) Unlike the rest of you, Im studying for a class you actually need a textbook for. PIERCE Not gonna snake your way through that one, Scamela Anderson? Everyone laughs at Jeffs expense, and Pierce delights in a high five with Annie. JEFF

What in the Freaky Friday is happening? BRITTA Jeff, its clear whats happening. Youre so addicted to the thought of being a sarcastic knob, your body is actually rejecting the notion of New Jeff. SHIRLEY Like a body rejecting a heart transplant? BRITTA Exactly like that! (back to Jeff) And its subconsciously manifesting in you sticking around to make snarky comments at your friends expense to ruin their project. The symptoms are getting worse. JEFF (in retort) Or maybe Ive been sitting here for literally three hours, and you guys walked in on my study session. Not the other way around. BRITTA Okay Shyamalan. But heres a twist for you! The doctor is in, and Im gonna get to the root of these Signs. JEFF (sarcastic) You mean it! Well in that case Jeff gets up, grabs his books, and pushes past Britta to walk out of the study room. TROY I cannot tell a lie, that guys a drag. (to Abed) Thanks buddy. Troy and Abed do their handshake.

ANNIE Well, I guess we still need a closer. Movie night? Movie night? Movie night? INT. GREENDALE HALLWAY Jeff walks through the hall in annoyance. 2:30 P.M. is superimposed. He passes by the Deans office, which seems to cause the door to fly open. The Dean pops out in the midst of a costume change. Hes dressed in a skimpy pizza boy outfit. DEAN Jeffrey! There you are! Jeff spins around. JEFF (surprise) What the Corporal Klinger? DEAN Oh! (summoning enthusiasm) Special Dean-livery! Its pizza- forget it. I read your email. JEFF Ugh. Id be upset, but at this point I really should have just closed that account. DEAN (evasive) I wouldnt worry about it. Jeff shakes his head and turns to leave but the Dean grabs his shoulder. DEAN I read the email from Alan. Jeff closes his eyes in anticipation of the lesson hes about to receive. DEAN

You cant go back to work there! Its not who you are anymore. You have to resist the addiction. JEFF Have you been talking to Britta? DEAN Im following her prognosis at #DrCats. JEFF Shes using that?? DEAN Youre New Jeff nowJEFF Why does everyone insist on telling me how to evolve? Im not reverting back to my old self! No one has anything to worry about, and Im not addicted to anything (admittedly) but binging on episodes of Cougartown. DEAN Oh, you watch that to? JEFF It doesnt matter, and that doesnt leave this hallway! Whats important is why you think I need you to remind me that the guy screwed me over, and essentially fired me for being morally upstanding? DEAN The new car he had delivered here, for one JEFF Right, so the next time(curious) What new car? The Dean sheepishly hands Jeff car keys. Jeffs eyes go wide.

INT. STUDY ROOM Troy and Abed stand in front of their friends who are sitting on the study room couches. Abeds laptop is set up to play Lincoln. TROY Rules for movie night. PIERCE Its 3pm. And why are there rules? 3:00 P.M. becomes superimposed after Pierce reveals the time. ABED First rule of movie night, dont talk about movie night. PIERCE (to girls) When does this stop being cute? Britta and Annie shush Pierce. TROY Rule two, only snack foods are permitted. Shirley rolls her eyes and looks at a tray of Shirleys Sandwiches she brought. ABED And most importantly, rule three. No bathroom breaks or interruptions of any kind. Otherwise enjoy. Troy and Abed take a seat on the floor. Annie starts the movie. PIERCE Rule four, come out to your parents on Thanksgiving. This time everyone shushes Pierce.

EXT. GREENDALE PARKING LOT DAY 3:10 P.M. is superimposed as the Dean, now dressed as himself, leads Jeff to a specific parking space. Jeffs eyes go even wider, before we reveal a sky blue Mercedes SLK. JEFF (slightly concerned) Remind me how to evolve again. END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Jeff sits at a table, nervously playing with the keys to the Mercedes, and staring at Alan's name in his phone contacts. 7:13 P.M. is superimposed. He looks very disheveled and exhausted. The rest of the study group (sans Abed) walk up with their pizza and begin to sit. ANNIE That was horrible. How do you mess up renting a movie? SHIRLEY I told you we should have gone to Blockbuster. ANNIE And I told you those dont exist anymore. TROY Look. I typed Lincoln into Redbox and it was the first thing that popped up. BRITTA Yeah, but I don't think we're gonna get a usable quote from Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter. SHIRLEY Does anyone else feel like getting quotes from a movie at all is cheating? ANNIE We just need a closer that's got some flash. We did the actual legwork on the rest of the project, so it isn't really cheating. We're not Winging it at any rate. Everyone laughs but Jeff who doesn't seem to be paying attention. Now everyone begins to notice how disheveled Jeff looks.

ANNIE Jeff? TROY He looks like a Ke$ha song sounds. Jeff suddenly snaps out of it. JEFF (blurting) Nice, how about a reference from 2012, Aaron Dorkin? Or do you not have enough room to cram anything else into that internet message board you call a brain? Everyone looks shocked, even Jeff, who seems to not believe the words came out of his own mouth. TROY Dude! JEFF I am so sorry, I don't know what happened. I gotta get going. Jeff leaves, and Britta starts comforting Troy. BRITTA It's just the addiction talking, he didn't mean it. (to everyone) He's getting worse you guys! We have to do something. Intervention? InterPIERCE He probably just needs some alone time. Most likely from you. (Britta's mouth pops open) ANNIE Pierce is probably right. (Britta's mouth pops open wider) We did kick him off the project. He's probably just upset. SHIRLEY

He does look like a mess. Abed walks up holding a Redbox DVD. ABED I got it. Everyone cheers but Troy. TROY (forcing it) Yeah, no vampires. Hooray. INT. JEFF'S MERCEDES - NIGHT 8:45 P.M. Jeff sits in the drivers side, smiling at freshman girls that walk by. The Dean pops his head into the passenger side window. DEAN What are you doing?! JEFF (yells) 'The hell?? The Dean gets in. DEAN Why haven't you given this car back yet? Don't tell me you're seriously considering this! JEFF What if I am? Ive got it all figured out. I can just take the job, get the car, and then I can quit anytime I want. DEAN Oh Jeffrey... I think you need professional help. But its pretty short notice so let me see if Britta's available. The Dean starts to dial Britta, but Jeff slaps the phone out of his hand and into the backseat.

CHANG (O.S.) Ow! The Dean yells as CHANG sits up in the backseat. DEAN What is he doing here?? JEFF Were going to a club. Chang starts giving Jeff a shoulder rub, and Jeff doesn't seem to mind in the least. CHANG Dont listen to him, bestie. DEAN This is ridiculous. Look at yourself! The Dean turns the rearview mirror so Jeff can see Chang behind him. Jeff notices the ick factor. JEFF Ugh (to Chang) Get out. CHANG (to Dean) This was the best thing thats happened to me since my Changnesia and you ruined it! Chang gets out and runs away. Jeff looks in the mirror and sees how disheveled he looks. He sighs and starts the car. DEAN What are you doing now? JEFF Theres someone I need to talk to. DEAN Oh goodie, road trip.

The Dean pulls out a CD and puts it in. He and Jeff share some uncomfortable eye contact as Gravity comes on. Jeff cuts it off. JEFF Nope. INT. STUDY ROOM NIGHT 10:00 P.M. The study group are sitting around the laptop. We join mid movie. ANNIE Abed, this is The Lincoln Lawyer. ABED It was the second thing that popped up when I typed Lincoln into Redbox. TROY So no vampires or corsets? Britta grabs the remote and cuts the movie off. TROY Or any movie apparently. BRITTA You guys, Im worried about Jeff. He hasnt returned any of my texts since dinner. ANNIE Im sure its nothing. I know we gave him a hard time, but its not like hes off picking up coeds at American Apparel. BRITTA I dont know, I think he may be going through something traumatic. Hes trying too hard not to be Old Jeff. In psychiatry we call itANNIE Britta no offense, but you are not a psychiatrist. Youre barely a psych

major. Jeff just needs some time to cool down because we teased him too hard. BRITTA (offended) Really? Because I thought if there was anyone here who would understand what its like to fight addiction it would be you. ANNIE How dare you! BRITTA How do you spell that? D.A.R.E.? SHIRLEY Okay! How about we call it a night and all take some time to cool off? BRITTA We get it Shirley. You dont want to hang out. Youd rather be at the sandwich shop. SHIRLEY Well Im sorry if we cant all be slackers forever, because some of us are actually moving on with our lives. ANNIE Yeah, dont be mad at us because were growing. SHIRLEY Please, is that why you changed your major to forensics after three years? BRITTA Give it a rest, Sara Lee. SHIRLEY I beg your pardon, Daria? All three girls begin yelling at each other. The guys start to back away.

TROY What do we do? ABED We need an outside force to rally against to bring us back together as a group. (excited) Like a bizzaro study group! (settling) Ill call Todd. TROY Ill grab the moon shoes. Pierce stares at Troy and Abed in exasperation. INT. JEFFS MERCEDES 11:28 P.M. The car pulls into a parking space and Jeff cuts it off. DEAN Where are we? JEFF My old condo. Where I lived before the state bar (trails off) Before Greendale. DEAN Who do you need to talk to here? CUT TO: INT. JEFFS CONDO 11:38 P.M. The lights cut on in Jeffs old bedroom. He looks across the room at himself in the mirrored doors. JEFF Hey, its been a while. Jeff talks to his reflection as if it is the old him.

JEFF We used to be something else, you know? (beat) Now we are something else. But thats a good thing, right? Jeff notices something in the closet. He slides the door open and sees a closet full of his old sports coats. JEFF Theyre still here. This is a parody of the minibar scene in Flight. Jeff contemplates then removes the nearest sports coat. He fights the temptation to throw it on, as he slowly examines the lining. He smells the interior and then the Dean walks in, cutting the tension. DEAN There arent any faucets in there. Good dean I brought some hand sani. (sees the sports coat) Jeffrey? Are you okay? Jeff snaps out of it. JEFF Yeah. He closes the closet door and hangs the sports coat on the knob. JEFF And Im all closured up. Lets go. The Dean and Jeff walk out of frame, but the shot focuses on the sports coat ala Flight. We slowly pan before Jeffs hand flies into frame and snatches the coat off the knob. END Of ACT TWO

ACT THREE AGAINST BLACK, TITLE CARD: 7:00 A.M. EXT. IN FRONT OF L STREET - DAY Jeff exits a red door, dressed as he was in the pilot. We can hear Sympathy for the Devil playing in the background ala Flight. He still looks disheveled, but now in a rugged way and puts on a pair of aviators as he smirks. The song now scores Jeffs spiral. INT. JEFFS MERCEDES 7:30 A.M. is superimposed as Jeff speeds through the streets, and starts laughing out loud. INT. GREENDALE HALLWAY 8:00 A.M. Jeff walks through the halls. He passes a coed. JEFF Hey sweet thing. The girl swoons a little. He passes FAT NEIL JEFF Neil! Your pants called. They said your fat. He passes the Dean who is horrified at Jeffs transformation. JEFF Dean Dangerous. DEAN Oh my God. Youre Kanye-ing! JEFF Maybe. If Kanye-ing is to be living the Good Life, and not carring about whack people. DEAN

Listen to yourself! You just used whack in a sentence! JEFF You Cant Tell Me Nothing, Otis. Jeff walks away, and the music cuts out. INT. HISTORY CLASS 8:11 A.M. Lukas and Karl are doing their presentation, while the study group sits uncomfortably, having to go next. They have all their visual aids, and Abed is dressed as Lincoln. PROF Excellent. So next we have our expert historians, (air quotes) the study group. The Germans sit down as Annie turns to her friends. ANNIE Ok. I know were all still mad. But we need to pull together and do this presentation. (everyone nods) CUT TO: 8:12 A.M. The class boos Britta, who holds up the diorama to block incoming paper balls. The rest of the group stand behind her looking worried. BRITTA You people cant take the truth! He was a narcissist, who was addicted to his own personality! Shirley turns to her friends. SHIRLEY (resolved) Ill handle this. CUT TO:

8:13 A.M. The class all gag on Shirleys plain cookies. SHIRLEY Oh please! Theres nothing wrong with those cookies! (beat) The recipe didnt call for sugar! Abed turns to his friends. ABED Ill handle this. ANNIE Abed! We never saw Lincoln! ABED Ill handle this. Abed turns to the class and opens his mouth to speak. CUT TO: 8:14 A.M. is superimposed. LEONARD Thats Wrath of Khan! The class begins booing again. PROF Ive heard enough. Im sorry, but you get an JEFF (O.S.) My turn. Jeff walks in. His friends all gasp in fear, as he pulls off his aviators, before tossing them at a classmate. JEFF Youre welcome. PROF Mr. Winger! Youre fifteen minutes late for class.

JEFF Yup. But trust me, professor. When you hear what Ive got lined up in the chamber, you are going to thank me for showing up. (turning to the class) President Lincoln. Not only was he a great president. Not only was he a great man. He was a shark. (the study group roll their eyes) While other old people of that time were locked up in their log cabins, Lincoln was roaming the waters of social intolerance, changing the world. These days, we award mediocrity. We give kids participation ribbons, we make Two and A Half Men the biggest comedy on television, and we give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for Best Picture. Everyone nods and murmurs agreement. JEFF (CONTD) But Lincoln was different. Lincoln actually cared about quality, about making things better. If we all come to realize what Ive come to realize, that Abraham Lincoln was a sterling example of living life to the fullest, this world may just end up being a better place. The class is actually buying into this. Jeff snatches the Lincoln hat off of Abeds head and puts it on. JEFF I could spout off all the four scores and John Wilkes Booth conspiracies you want, but when it comes down to it that wasnt who Lincoln was. Lincoln was a shark. Lincoln was a president. (beat) Lincoln was an American hero.

The class stands up and applauses. Jeffs friends are horrified and intrigued. PROF F. The class sits back down. JEFF (confused) What? PROF Mr. Winger, as I was saying. You are too late for your portion of your groups presentation to count. But even if you werent that nonsense you dribbled out had nothing to do with the assignment! Jeff begins to process this, as his front starts to crumble. JEFF No. No, no no. PROF Mr. Winger? JEFF NO! Everyone is taken aback. JEFF Listen, Thatcher! That speech was golden! That was a hard A! PROF Im afraid not, now if your group would be so kindJEFF How about if Im so kind as to tell you to kiss my butt! LEONARD

Calm down, Spector. JEFF Shut up Leonard! Ill kill you! Jeff lunges at Leonard as his classmates hop up and restrain him. The rest of the study group starts to back out of class in horror. JEFF Lin (said like Khan) COLN!!! INT. STUDY ROOM 8:45 A.M. The gang (sans Jeff), sit around the study room table in silence. Theyre all upset. BRITTA Well, I said this would happen. ANNIE He wasnt really Old Jeff or New Jeff. Its like he wasABED Nega Jeff. Annie points to Abed and nods. SHIRLEY That boy was fine, before we all started toying with his head. Everyone sits in silence again. Pierce sits up in realization. PIERCE Weve all been fighting with each other this week about change. I think Jeff was fighting with himself. Were all moving on with our lives and change is hard. But well all be okay. Everyone is embarrassed by the truth in Pierces words.

SHIRLEY Pierce is right. PIERCE Thank god. I was taking a shot in the dark. BRITTA Shirley, Im glad youre finally doing what you actually came to Greendale to do. And Annie youve grown so much since we met. I kinda admire you. Sorry about what I said. ANNIE No Britta, Im sorry. Youre an awesome psych major. Youve already helped each of us deal with overcoming something. BRITTA You mean it? Annie nods as everyone starts to get emotional. The girls get up and hug. The guys get up and join in. We reveal Jeff has been listening in. He enters the room and everyone gets on edge. JEFF Alan offered me my old job back. (everyone is concerned) I turned him down. But I started thinking that my life has changed so much since coming to Greendale- Ive lost my condo, my job, my car- I thought that if I could just be the old me one more time if I could just act like stupid, selfish old me Id somehow be happy. It was dumb. And now what Pierce said makes me realize Ive gained so much more. And thats you guys. (Shirley and Annie ahh) Can you guys ever forgive me for being me? The rest of the group affirms they will and hug Jeff.

BRITTA Weve all been pretty crazy this week. I say we just move on. SHIRLEY Agreed. TROY I guess we hadnt really faced the fact that this is it. Our last year together at Greendale. The gang walks towards the door, but Jeff holds back and reflects on Troys words. CUT TO: INT. DEANS OFFICE 9:03 A.M. 24 hours since weve begun. The Dean sits at his desk. There is a knock on the door. DEAN Come in. Jeff enters. JEFF Hey. DEAN Hey. JEFF I just wanted to say thanks for all your help. And sorry for the way I acted. DEAN Dont mention it. Jeff acts like hes about to leave then turns around. JEFF And I was wondering. I have to head out of town this weekend. Road trip?

Jeff tosses the Sara Bareilles CD to the Dean, whose eyes go bright. Jeff exits. The Dean picks up the phone and dials. DEAN Hello, mom? Tell Dad Im not going to make it to his sugery. END OF ACT THREE

TAG INT. STUDY ROOM DAY A time corresponding to the episode production order is superimposed. Troy, Abed and Annie sit on the couch watching Cougartown on Abeds laptop and laughing. Jeff enters the room with his books. He stares at the three on the couch, appearing that he has a snarky comment lined up. Instead we CUT TO: Jeff is now sitting on the couch next to the laughing. Britta, Shirley and Pierce walk in the four on the couch. They seem to be ready Jeffs total submission to the show. Instead other three, and stare at to comment on we CUT TO: All seven friends are gathered around Abeds laptop, watching the show. Abed, Troy and Britta sit on the floor. The rest sit on the couch. JEFF So weve all been secretly watching this show? END OF SHOW