It Is What It Is Christian Salafia 2013

ABOUT CHRISTIAN
Christian is a husband, father, theologian, engineer, and a full-blown believer in personal development. Just a couple years after being dragged by his wife to his first seminar he completely shook up his life, packed up the family, and moved from Arizona to Florida. He currently resides in Orlando, still plugs away as an engineer, and teaches those who wish to improve their lives just how to do so. In 2013 he launched Transforming Monday, the website and the podcast, to share his message that changing your life doesnt take a rocket scientist. He should know, he is one. You can reach Christian via email at Christian@transformingmonday.com Be sure to check out both Transforming Monday and subscribe to the podcast on iTunes.

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CONTENTS
About Christian ........................................................................................................................................................................ 3 Prologue...................................................................................................................................................................................... 5 So, Your Job Sucks, Eh? ................................................................................................................................................... 7 Enough Is Enough ............................................................................................................................................................... 11 Pain As Comfort ............................................................................................................................................................... 12 Pain As Motivation .......................................................................................................................................................... 14 Changing the meaning.................................................................................................................................................. 18 Letting Go................................................................................................................................................................................. 22 Letting Go Of Events ..................................................................................................................................................... 25 Dont Sweat The Small Stuff........................................................................................................................................... 28 It Is What It Is ......................................................................................................................................................................... 31

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PROLOGUE
It is what it is. My Uncle lived by these five little words. Over the last few years, Ive learned that theyre words of wisdom, of acceptance, and of peace. These words bring joy and evict stress. After many years of straining against the winds, these are now words that I live by. I can honestly tell you that these five little words will improve your life, your job, your relationships, and your marriage faster and easier than you thought possible. How do I know? Easy. Im living proof that these five words can change your life. Just a few short years ago I was miserable, angry, depressed, and stressed-out. I was a bad father and a poor husband, and the stress of my job was causing me to become more and more distant from those who needed me most. I was short-tempered with everyone, ready to jump down someones throat at a moments notice. In other words, I was not a very nice person to be around. Then my wife introduced me to personal development. She had been studying with a coach for a little over two years when she began asking me to come along to one of her seminars. I declined over and over, thinking that I was just wasting money on something I called fru-fru stuff. However, after being asked a number of times, I agreed to go if my wife could meet a challenge I laid down before her. I told her I would go if she bought me a ticket. Imagine my surprise when, just a few short weeks later, my wife said Ok honey. You need to find a sitter for the kids. Ive got your ticket! Im thankful to this day that she rose to the challenge . I honored my commitment and I went with her for a weekend seminar.

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Ive thanked her every day since then. A few years have passed since that weekend and I can honestly say that my life is exponentially better since. Ive learned a lot over the last few years and now I want to share what Ive learned, and applied, with you.

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SO, YOUR JOB SUCKS, EH?

Men only have two choices in life, work or penitentiary. My Dad I still remember my dad saying those words to me as we hung out around the grill one Sunday afternoon. I had been talking to him about some issues I was having at work and during the course of the discussion, when I mentioned I hated what I was doing, he proffered those words of wisdom and followed it up with Welcome to what we call life. For most of my adult life, I believed that, for a husband and a father, there was only one way to do things. Go to work, work hard, move up the ladder, and hopefully someday be able to retire. Living life that way would require long hours, exhausting days, and massive chunks of time away from my family. And, until the last 5 years or so, that was the way life was. For a little over 15 years, I worked for a small defense company in Arizona. I started out as a lowly laboratory technician making barely $17,000/year and eventually worked my way up and muscled my way into a Process Engineer position with a salary not nearly my worth and one that I had to fight and claw for every dollar over 15 years. When I started, I liked my job, I liked the people I worked with, and I found out I was really pretty dang good at what I did. Over the first few years I was regularly rewarded with decent raises and promotions, enough to keep me there, but not enough to be satisfied. Then, about the end of 2003, my grandmother passed away and I had to take an emergency trip back to Michigan for the funeral. The day before I left, I had finished up what I could, sent a preliminary report off to a customer with an explanation why it was preliminary and an estimated date of the final version, submitted my bereavement leave paperwork and got ready to travel.

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By the time I got back, all hell had broken loose. Everyone from the Program Manager on down to my boss was in my office and in my face. The customer was unhappy and instead of standing up for his guys, my boss sold me down the river and personally set fire to the raft. Heres the kicker. While I was away, nobody called me. Instead of calling me to get the information they needed, they decided I was irresponsible and sacrificed me on the altar. Its something that I never forgot. Even my boss wouldnt forget. A couple of years passed and, sensing I was still in the doghouse, I wrote up a memo laying out my case why I believed I was overdue for a raise and promotion. I knew the conversation wasnt going to go well when he started with Well, you screwed up big time when you took that vacation. Vacation? I asked. It wasnt a vacation, it was bereavement leave! My grandmother died for crying out loud! He replied Whatever! The reputation I had worked nearly 8 years to build was utterly destroyed by being gone one week in December. The next seven and a half years would be a downward spiral of frustration, suspicion, and resentment. Until the day my boss retired, every annual review, every gift of feedback, was tainted with his addled memory of what happened that December. Even when my job was being put up for competition, a job that I had been doing for at least 3 years, he told me flat out that he didnt think I was qualified and doubted I would get it.

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For the next seven years, I slogged along, going through cyclic bouts of resentment, despair, and resigned acceptance. You see, I had a family to support and thats what men were supposed to do. Us men really only have two choices, remember? God bless my wife. Truly. She managed to put up with me during this time,

encouraging me, listening to me, and sometimes telling me to shut up. It was also during this time when she dragged me, kicking and screaming, to my first personal development seminar. That weekend turned my life around, and I was able to apply the skills I learned to make work at least bearable. I also was able to use these skills to interview and win my job, the one my boss said I wouldnt get. As I continued on the personal development journey, I refined my skills, learned new ones, and started to become a more confident, more self-assured version of myself. In short, I started to believe in me. This made work difficult, as the more decisive I learned to be, the more frustrating it became to work with people who couldnt make a decision if their lives literally depended on it. This frustration built up until one day, my wife and I were talking, and I looked at her and said Enough is enough. Im done. Its time to start writing a new chapter in our lives. She looked at me and asked What are you going to do? I had no idea. I just knew it was time to move on. I knew I was meant for something greater than I was doing. I knew I had more to contribute. First, though, I had a lot of hard work ahead of me. I had to change my beliefs, my selftalk, and my mindset. What follows is a brief story of the path I took, the things I learned, and how you, too, can apply them in your own life.
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At the beginning of 2012, I laid out three outcomes for myself to be achieved by the time I turned 40. 1. Be out of my job at the defense firm. 2. Be living near the beach. 3. Be driving a Ford Mustang As I write this, I have a new job in Orlando, Florida and, yes, I drive a Mustang. If this engineery, analytical, get stuck in my head type of guy can make that massive of a change in 9 months, anyone can. I can tell you it wont be quick, easy, or painless. Itll involve killing off those parts of you that constantly get in your own way. You may even lose friends and your relationships with family members may change. They may not understand whats happening to you and dismiss all the work youre doing as you simply going through a phase. My family did. They swore I was going through a mid-life crisis. That may be true, but I was determined and focused to come out victorious on the other side of this battle with myself. I did. Im living proof that this shit works.

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ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
"There is a great deal of pain in life and perhaps the only pain that can be avoided is the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain. -R.D. Laing
You know that point, right? Where everything is piling up and your stress level and blood pressure are rising to dangerously high levels. You feel that if just one more thing happens, one more thing goes wrong, youll absolutely lose your mind or, worse, your temper. Its that point where you think to yourself Enough is enough! Weve all been there, and if you are there now, congratulations. Congratulations on reaching that point where the pain of keeping the status quo has finally eclipsed the pain of changing. This is the point where your new life begins. You see, most people are motivated by pain. Not necessarily just physical pain, but emotional, psychological, and financial pain as well. For some, pain is security, for others, it is the match that lights the fuse. You simply have to decide what pain is to you. Is pain a source of comfort, a way for you to feel control over your life? Or is pain a sign for you that something, anything, has to change to make it go away? If youre at the enough is enough point, odds are youre person number two. Something in your life, or your life in general, is so painful that its sucking the happiness, the joy, and in some cases, the will to live right out of you. Before we move into how to use this pain as motivation, lets gain a brief understanding of pain and its influence in our lives.

Pain

doesnt

just

show

up

in

our

lives

for

no

reason.

Its a sign that something in our lives needs to change. Mandy Hale
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PAIN AS COMFORT

Accept who you are, but not where you are. Sam Crowley
Sounds crazy, I know. Yet Im willing to bet that you know at least one person that lives by this credo. Pain is their comfort, and theyll do just about anything, including se lfsabotage, in order to have it. Its the woman you know that keeps dating the same loser guys and wonders why shes never happy. Its the guy who complains about being broke, yet doesnt do anything to change his financial situation. Its the married couple who constantly fight and make-up only to fight again a short time later. For these people, pain is comfort. Its a source of consistency in their lives and,

mankind being a creature of habit; we seek consistency because it brings us comfort. You may ask, How does this make sense? Well, it does and it doesnt. It doesnt make any sense to sabotage your own life and prevent yourself from creating the life you desire. It makes sense once you start to learn what you truly believe about yourself. For the woman that dates loser guys, she believes she doesnt deserve love. So, she chooses men that will treat her horribly because those choices reinforce her own selfimage. For the man who always complains about being broke, he believes that he doesnt deserve to be successful. So, he continues on the same financial path, with the same financial results, therefore reinforcing his belief about himself.

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For the couples that cycle between fight/make-up/fight, its the same dynamic as the woman who dates loser guys. Neither of them believes they are deserving of love, so they intentionally sabotage their marriage, reinforcing their beliefs. Whats the common denominator here? These people all make choices that reinforce their beliefs about themselves, which gives them the impression that theyre right. Thats where the comfort comes from. How twisted is that? If youve reached the enough is enough point in your life, take a quick second to realize that you have been living your life just like the examples above. You have been subconsciously seeking to sabotage your own life because the pain it caused reinforced your view about yourself, bringing you comfort that you were right, so why change? Let that sink in for a minute. Once you realize that only you are present at every disaster in your life, only then can you begin to work on changing the you that is a walking disaster into a you that is a resounding success. The choice, as always, is up to you. Heres where it is what it is begins your transformation. Until you accept who you currently are and what you believe about yourself, youll never have a solid foundation to build the new you upon. You keep dating losers? Say it is what it is and understand those are the choices youve been making. Youre always broke? Say it is what it is and realize you make poor financial choices.

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Your marriage is in shambles? Say it is what it is and take responsibility for your own destructive words and actions. It is what it is is accepting who you currently are. It is what it is here is the first step in taking responsibility for your life. It is what it is is not admitting that this is what your entire life can and will ever be. That will all change later in the story. Patience, my padawan, I promise you the wait will be more than worth it.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. Gloria Steinem

PAIN AS MOTIVATION

Pain doesn't tell you when you ought to stop. Pain is the little voice in your head that tries to hold you back because it knows if you continue you will change. Don't let it stop you from being who you can be. Unknown
Congratulations on being pissed off enough by the truth about you to keep on going. Once youve decided that pain will no longer be a source of comfort in your life, it becomes a source of motivation. If youve reached this point, then youve come to the realization that the pain of staying where you are is worse than the pain of changing. Thats the first step towards your new life. Youve also learned to apply it is what it is and accept who you currently are and take responsibility for the mess youve made of your life. You know the old saying about when you have a problem admitting it is the first step? Well, congratulations on admitting you have a problem. However, from now on were
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not going to call them problems. overwhelming at times.

Problem has a negative connotation that can be

From now on, theyre challenges. Challenges are made to be overcome. Its not a real pleasant place to be. The most difficult thing for people to do is to take responsibility for the disasters in their life. We live in a society where victimhood is all the rage and where a substantial portion of the population in the US believes that life, and society, owes them something. holding you back. The problem with that is, as long as you blame your current ills on something like a screwed-up past, it becomes readily apparent that your future wont be anything different. The first step in turning pain into motivation is to realize that the events in your life are simply things that happened. They do not control you, nor do they define you. Conversely, if they dont have everything they want, then the typical reaction is to blame others, seen or unseen, real or imaginary, for

Its hard to accept, but you cant change the past. You cant go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. Life would be meaningless and boring and just not worth living. But you can change the future and thats a b eautiful thing about life. Unknown
No matter how awful, how tragic, how traumatic events in your past may have been, they are permanent and you can never change what happened. What you can change, though, is the meaning you give those events. Every single event in your life has led you to be the person that you are today. Nothing truly happens by chance, and past regrets will only serve to poison your future. Its often been said that inside every dark cloud, there is a silver lining. While it sounds like hokum, there is a bit of truth to that.

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In every disaster in your past, there has been one shiny glimmer of hope that came out of it. Good can come from even the most senseless tragedies. Natural disasters such as Hurricane Katrina brought about the good in humanity and showed us where the flaws in systems were so we can work to fix them so it never happens again. Humanitarian disasters, such as genocide, open our eyes to cultures, abuse, and injustice around the globe so we can take steps to remedy it. Personal tragedies, such as the death of a loved one, teach us to remember all the joy that person brought into our lives. Thats not to say that the pain of these events isnt real. It damn sure is. These events hurt, and hurt deeply. The difference lies in grieving these events and reliving these events. One leads to healing, the other leads down a seriously unhealthy spiral. When these events happen, grieve. Grieve at your own pace and heal in your own time. Nobody can fault you for this, and if they do, theyre not worth keeping in your life. Its perfectly natural to cry, to feel anger, to seek solitude or the company of friends and family. There is no one way and no strict timeline for the grieving process. Its even expected that during this transition from the person you currently are to the person you can be, youll experience loss. Youll lose friends, family may alienate you, and you may even lose your job during this transformation. Grieve these events. Its the only way to ensure a healthy you emerges on the other side. But for heavens sake, do not live there. Do not set up camp in the midst of these tragic events. Do not invite the pain in and then forget to tell it to leave when it has worn out its welcome.

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As you transform into the new you, it is inevitable that youll encounter things that trigger memories of these tragic events. This is where pain begins to become motivation. As you remember how you felt during these tragedies, sturdy your resolve and tell yourself that there is no way youre going back there. You can use that pain to propel yourself forward, especially when roadblocks appear. It is inevitable that they will show up. Usually soon after you make a life-altering

decision. Its the universes way of asking you Are you sure you really want this? These roadblocks will cause you to doubt yourself. You may be tempted to slide back into your own ways, saying this is just too hard. If you truly want to change your circumstances, I only have one word of advice for you. Dont.

Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things, distinguishes the strong soul from the weak. Thomas Carlyle
Theres an old saying that applies here, the burned hand learns. Learning from the pain your choices have brought you serves as a better reminder of why you dont want to go back that way than anything else ever could. Now that youve learned to extract the good out of tragic events, learned to repurpose the pain from those events into a reminder of where you dont want to go, and how to use that pain as fuel to power through the inevitable roadblocks on the road to transformation, the power of it is what it is begins to manifest.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Charles Swindoll
It is what it is is looking at events simply for what they are: things that happen in your life. Once you begin to look at life this way, it becomes easier and easier to extract the good and discount the bad from events.
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It is what it is is you resolving yourself to the belief that the things that happen in your life do not define who you are. If you fail an exam, that doesnt define you as a failure. If you fall into debt, that doesnt mean youre financially irresponsible. If your relationship sours, that doesnt mean youre a failure in love. If you have a fight with your kids or spouse, that doesnt make you a bad parent or bad husband/wife. Theyre simply things that happened and, hopefully, you learn from them and apply what you learned so you dont make the same choice in the future.

Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future. Deepak Chopra

CHANGING THE MEANING

Ok, so as I said, every single event thats happened in your past is permanent. Theyve all happened for a reason, and theyve all contributed to the person you are today. So, you may be asking yourself Why would I want to change the meaning? Its simple, really. You change the meaning of the events in your past, particularly those that have been painful, in order to discover the good that was both inside of them and was born from them. You know the old saying everything happens for a reason? You know how most of us think thats utter bull?

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We often say that because when were in the midst of living through those events, or even reliving those events, its difficult, if not impossible, to step outside the event and gain another perspective. Its that other perspective that often reveals the hidden reason for even the most tragic events in our lives. Now, Im not saying that gaining another perspective will magically make all the hurt go away. It wont. Theres almost nothing in this life that can do that. What I am telling you is that by shifting your perspective, shifting how you think about things that have happened to you, you can lessen the pain and in doing so learn the lesson life and the universe were attempting to teach you. Lets do an example of shifting your thinkingand lets go with one that Ive gone through in my own life. My divorce. In 1994, I married my first wife. Looking back now, I was 21, in the Navy, and, well, it was a bit of an impulsive decision. However, not being one to quit easily, I made the decision that I was in for the long haul. You see, my family didnt believe in divorce. It was treated as a dirty word and,

although it was never spoken aloud, members of my family who had been divorced were always looked at and treated a little differently. After three years, I came home from work one day and my now ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce. No counseling would change things; she came flat out and told me she didnt love me anymore and that it was over. I was devastated. So, four days before Christmas 1997, I moved out of our apartment and back in with my parents.
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Oh, did I tell you she told me You can take your presents with you? Yeah, she did. Oh, did I also tell you that I moved back home on my Mothers birthday? Yeah, I did. Between the divorce, the holidays, and moving back in with my parents, I didnt just sink into depression. I took the bullet train. All I did was sleep, eat, cry, and drink. A lot. What made it worse was that my family had absolutely no idea how to interact with me. For years after the split, the same negative thoughts dominated my self-image. Im a failure as a husband. Im a failure as a father. As a single Dad, Im damaged goods. Nobody will want me. This led to years of bad choices, bad girlfriends, and bad relationships. I kid you not when I say that at one point I seriously considered the whole foreign bride thing. Then one day, I looked in the mirror and saw what a mess I, and my life, had become and I told myself two words. No more. What I didnt realize until a few years later was at that moment, I made the decision to change how I looked at myself and my past. I realized that I was allowing my past to dictate my horrible dating choices. So I took a year off.

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I began rethinking all my bad choices and instead of letting them define me, I redefined them. I redefined as this is not what I want in a relationship. I took responsibility for my bad decisions and then began chronicling all of the negative things in every relationshipevery bad choice, every bad characteristic, every negative experience those now became what I was meant to learn. When I realized what I didnt want, and started focusing on what I DID want in a relationship, thats when the person I was meant to be with came into my life. Yep, just about 1 year after I began redefining all of the negative aspects in my past relationships, my now wife Charlotte walked right into my life. The lesson here is that as long as you stay trapped in the negative mindset, youll keep making the same bad decisions and repeating the same horrible cycles. When you redefine those negative events as learning experiences or begin to extract the bits of wisdom inherent in any experience, the universe then allows you to move forward, content you have learned the lesson you needed to learn.

Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. Rules For Being Human
Once I was able to redefine those events surrounding my divorce, the emotion that was attached to them changed as well. No longer was I a prisoner to the depression and anger that a divorce brings. I was free to begin healing, begin transforming, begin letting go of all that baggage simply because I chose to redefine my divorce from being a failure to learning this is what I dont want in a relationship.

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LETTING GO
Without pain, there would be no change. But pain, just like everything in life, is meant to be learned from and then released. Mandy Hale You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well. Lewis B Smedes
Control. We all desire it. Whether we seek it in a life that is neat and orderly or a life that is chaotic, we all seek to control our lives. Control gives us our sense of purpose, it reinforces our validity, and its a way to make sense of the insanity that is our lives. Its also the surest way to earn a one-way ticket to stress induced health problems like ulcers, heart attacks, and the most permanent health problem, the dirt nap.

"The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers. Princess Leia
Its true. The more we try to control things, the less control we actually have over our lives. While on the surface this seems counterintuitive, theres actually a good reason for it. Have you ever noticed that when youre having a bad day, you typically see things in your surroundings that reinforce that perception? Likewise, when youre having a great day, the sun shines a little brighter, the birds sing a little louder, the coffee is a little more coffee-er, and rush hour traffic isnt quite so bad. This is because what you focus on tends to become your reality.
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You may have heard this theory discussed in books like The Secret or any of Napoleon Hills volumes. The common name for this theory is the Law of Attraction. I know, giggle all you want about this new age hokum. I did. When I first heard it, I thought it was the most ridiculous thing Ive ever heard. Being an engineer, and a scientist, the theory that one could manifest the reality they wanted just by thinking and focusing on it was ridiculous. To be perfectly honest, it sort of is. There is something that The Secret left out that actually makes the secret work, but well discuss that later in the book. It wasnt until I heard it explained in a semi-scientific way, why one tends to see what theyre focused on, and it has to do with vibrations and energy. Long story short, everything in the universe vibrates at certain frequencies, even people. The things we tend to notice vibrate at similar or the same frequencies as we do, hence the term in sync. Similarly, when we get good vibes or bad vibes from certain people or situations, its just your subconscious responding to the synchronicity or dissonance of our vibration with what were experiencing. Our vibration changes depending on our moods, so when were in a bad, or negative, mood we tend to vibrate with other negative things. Same goes for when were in a good, or positive, mood. The best part about this is that you really dont have to believe it to n otice it working in your own life. How does this relate to control? Well, thats where the second half of the equation comes in. Our brains tend to work in, and repeat subconsciously, the reverse of whatever were thinking. For example, if were thinking I need to make more money, our subconscious repeats I dont have any money. The subconscious tends to give off stronger vibrations because it is always working, always thinking, always processing. Now lets put this together.
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Say you desire greater control over your finances. You keep telling yourself I need to make more money, which your brain flips around and constantly repeats I dont have any money. This gives off a poverty vibration, which matches other things with a poverty vibration, therefore you notice more poverty related things, causing you to keep thinking I need to make more money. The cycle then repeats and intensifies, generating feelings of being out of control, the need for greater control, until despair and hopelessness kicks in. This is especially true when the initial thought is generated out of fear, which is a heightened emotional state, further intensifying the cycle of self-sabotage. I challenge you to test this out for yourself. Pay attention to what your emotional state is and consciously notice your surroundings. Youll find, more often than not, that the people, the things, and the general mood of your surroundings will match your own emotional state. Now there are things you can do to change the tape recorder in your head, ways of rewording your thoughts, and Ill share that with you in a little bit. First, though, before you can replace your dominant thoughts, you have to be able to let go of the ones you have. Youll find, paradoxically, that letting go will br ing you the control you were seeking in the first place.

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LETTING GO OF EVENTS

Do not dwell in the past; do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Buddhist Proverb
Earlier we talked about reframing the pain of past events, looking for the proverbial silver lining within the dark cloud. Here, were talking about letting go of your control over every detail in every circumstance. Remember, the more you try to control things, the less control you end up having. This is the primary use for It is what it is. We often exaggerate events, whether past, present, or future, and create anticipated storylines for how things are going to go. Weve all done this. We imagine what that woman will say when we ask her out. We imagine what our bosses will say when we ask for a raise. We imagine how events will play out if everything doesnt go exactly to plan. The problem with imagining these things is that were inducing stress within ourselves by playing movies in our head that havent even be written yet. The technical term for this is creating presuppositions. Bob Proctor calls it the prison of perception. What is a Prison of Perception? It is the private cell we build in our minds, made up of both genetic and environmental assumptions and ideas accumulated over a lifetime. These assumptions materialize mostly as our fears, and it is our fears that sit in the directors chair for the movies in our heads. Theres an acronym that I heard for the word fear. FEAR means (F)alse (E)vidence (A)ppearing (R)eal. Its exactly this FEAR that prevents us from moving forward in our lives. If we cannot guarantee that everything will turn out exactly as we want it to, most people then ask Why bother?

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Over the last few years, I have learned to simply look at this area in my life and tell myself It is what it is. Doing so has pushed me to greater heights, allowed me to achieve my dreams, and has brought me more peace than Ive ever known. Does this mean I just let things happen to me? Absolutely not. What it does mean is that I surrender control of the things I cannot control so that my energy and intention can be focused more on the things that will bring me towards my goal, my vision, or my desired outcome. In short, letting go of the desire to control every single event in your life makes you fearless. Not a reckless fearless, but a determined fearless and a freedom like any other.

The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me? Psalm 118:6
Our desire to control events is natural. Nobody likes chaos, so to eliminate chaos; we often attempt to control every single minutia of our lives. Unfortunately this often expands to attempting to control not only our lives, but the others in our lives. We try to control the way they talk, the way they perform tasks, even sometimes control what they say and how they say it. Weve all known these people. managers. Theyre known as control freaks and micro -

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Controlling and micromanaging everything and everyone in our lives is unhealthy. It leads to our devaluing the worth of others and the things they contribute to our lives. More importantly, it often leads to feelings of depression, hopelessness, anger, and resentment. Micromanagers often base their own self-worth on whether or not people do exactly what they say and exactly how they say to do it. In short, their self-worth is tied to the amount of control they have. Its a dangerous and ridiculously asinine way of going through life. When life feels its beginning to get out of control, these people freeze. They become sedentary because they lack the ability to: a) accept that events are just events; and b) adapt to things that are out of their control. Ever notice that when youre feeling overwhelmed, and you re facing significant challenges, you lose your ability to make even the simplest decisions? I know Ive been there. Its because youve locked yourself in your own prison of perception and made perfection into the key that will unlock it. Like I said earlier, its that being stuck at the intersection because youre not sure everything will work out exactly the way you want or need to. It all comes back to control. Large, life-altering decisions and circumstances often reinforce our need for perfect control. Its exactly at those times when we feel the most out of control, paralyzed, and helpless. Heres the trick. You arent. Nobody ever said that the decision you make in those circumstances is 100% final.

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DONT SWEAT THE SMAL L STUFF

As discussed earlier, when you make the decision to change your life, your job, or your situation, the universe conspires to make it happen. The universe also tests you. When you let go of your control of current events, these roadblocks, which at one time appeared to be insurmountable, now appear to be nothing more than a speed bump. Even those roadblocks that prevent you from moving forward on your current path are emptied of their power. Learning to let go of control allows you to meet these roadblocks, say to yourself Ok , that isnt going to work, and then decide to alter your path.

We often look at successful people and wonder how they made look so easy. Successful people are people who learned that the road to success isnt a straightaway. They learned to let go of current events and allowed themselves to change and adapt as circumstances change.
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Theyve mastered the art of not allowing events to define them. Theyre determined. Theyre risk takers. Theyre fearless. When we focus on events that we cannot control, or on things that are not that important, we often lose sight of the big picture. About a year ago, I hit the enough is enough point in my life. I hated my job and all the chaos that went with it. The constant changes and lack of any true vision or leadership, along with the back-biting, political maneuvering, and ingrained territorialism, made my working life hell. It was putting a strain on my health, mental, physical, and emotional, and it was negatively impacting my marriage and family life. I finally had enough. I made the decision to begin working towards being in business for myself. The product was great, the team was phenomenal, and I was ready for a change. Six months later, the entire company I bought into had changed. I could have let this event permanently sidetrack me from the goals I had laid out. I could have let these changes permanently define me as someone who wasnt supposed to have what they wanted. I didnt. I wont tell you it was easy, as that would be a lie. We had invested much time, and even more money, into a venture we believed in; only to have what felt like the rug pulled out from under us. Things were happening to us that were out of our control and I didnt like it.

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After the initial shock wore off, my wife and I refocused our efforts on the goals that we had set out for us and our family. We decided to stick with the business, at least temporarily, and the people and trust that they knew what they were doing. Not long after, it was becoming apparent to my wife and I that the new business focus was not going to be a good match for us. So, we put that on the back burner for a bit and decided to see if there was another way for us to reach our outcome. As part of the original business, I got to take my family to Hawaii for a week. It was there that I met Sam Crowley of Everyday Is Saturday. Sam is a great guy and if you havent had the pleasure of listening to his podcast, youre doing yourself a disservice. His story challenged me to fight through all the changes and uncertainty facing the new business and continue moving forward towards the life that I really wanted to create. Those few hours inspired me to launch Transforming Monday, launch the Transforming Monday podcast, and create this book youre now reading. Everything Ive done, everything Ive changed, all the growth Ive experienced in the last few years has led me to this moment. Had I not learned to shift my thinking, redefine my past, and jettison the baggage I was carrying around, none of this would be possible. Good things are going to happen to you. Bad things are going to happen to you. Thats simply the way life goes. Sometimes you can foresee these events and do things to either make them happen or prevent them from happening. Sometimes you cannot.
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Sometimes you can only say to yourself ..It is what it is.

IT IS WHAT IT IS
It is what it is is a way of life for me. It allows me to quickly reframe and redefine negative events, it enables me to let go of the things I cannot control, and it makes it easier to forgive others who may have wronged me. It also clarifies the baseline from which I can plan, execute, and measure my own personal growth. You cant know how far youve gone or where youre headed if you dont know where youve come from. The best part of it is what it is is that it has made it so much easier to dump all the baggage that was preventing me from moving forward. Whether it was relationship baggage, self-image baggage, financial baggage, or spiritual baggage, my load is exponentially lighter than it was just five short years ago. It is what it is removes those barriers and obstacles that prevent you from becoming the person you wish to be. It demythologizes them and removes their power over your life. Once you begin to adapt the it is what it is philosophy into your own life, youll begin to see how much power you truly have. No longer will your negative self-image talk you into defeat. No longer will your life be ruled by circumstances. No longer will all that bullshit in your head stop you from pursuing your passion.

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