Beruflich Dokumente
Kultur Dokumente
Finding Fault
by Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D., MFT Have you ever found yourself thinking negative thoughts about someone? How does it feel? Just about everyone, sooner or later, finds themselves ruminating about the faults and flaws of another, whether it is a friend, relative, business contact or anything for that matter. Perhaps, you find flaws and faults with what someone else has done, produced or created. Do you find yourself being overly critical of the performance of a boss, an employee, a movie, a television show or even a book? The situations that are open for fault finding seem endless.
Second Thoughts
Have you ever had second thoughts about your first fault finding thoughts? What was the nature of these second thoughts? Did you regret having the fault finding thoughts and wish to reverse or change the effects of your fault finding? Did you wish to change your fault finding thoughts because they were harmful to you?
Self-Serving Thoughts
During that time, did your fault finding thoughts serve you in some way? In what way and why was that? Perhaps, you found fault in order to ward off uncomfortable, painful, unwanted feelings. After your discomfort, anger and pain subsided, did you notice that you were more willing to change your first thoughts to more positive thoughts? Second thoughts also serve a need and a purpose inside of you. All thoughts - whether negative, positive, fault finding and second reparative thoughts - seem to be in the service of your ego, dependent on your needs at any given moment.
The Consequences
Fault finding distances you from the person or source of your fault finding. Distancing may relieve pain and discomfort but, in the long run, can cost you vital relationships and possibly much needed resources and information. For example, one wife continually keeps searching and finding fault with her husband. The distance builds and eventually there's a divorce and the dissolution of a family. A son is having difficulty with his father's excessive fault finding. The distancing creates a chasm and the father/son relationship is characterized by avoidance. The son reaches full adulthood and has a full blown Avoidant Personality Disorder. His whole life is influenced by his primal hurts accumulated at the feet of his father's chronic fault finding. Relationships are never fully consummated and job opportunities are missed. What has developed is an internalized fault finding parent who continues to influence the son by imprinting automatic, avoidant behavior. So, as you can see, fault finding thinking can cause pain and harm to one's own psyche and to relationships. If you have fault finding as an enduring trait, take stock as to how this kind of thinking affects or even harms you and others. Like everyone else, being maximally effective and successful depends on your thinking and how you get along with others. If you are unable to make and keep friends and business contacts to the satisfaction of your goals, you may find some sort of fault finding at the root of the problem. This also means finding fault with yourself. If you change your thinking, you can change your life.