The

Everyday Parenting
Toolkit
The Kazdin Method for Easy,
Step-by-Step, Lasting Change
for You and Your Child

Alan E. Kazdin, Ph.D.

With Carlo Rotella

Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

Boston  • New York
2013

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 Copyright © 2013 by Alan E. Kazdin and Carlo Rotella

All rights reserved

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write to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company,
215 Park Avenue South, New York, New York 10003.

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isbn 978-0-547-98554-1

Printed in the United States of America

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 1

Laying the Groundwork for Good Behavior

A for Antecedents

Antecedents are everything that happens immediately before a be-

havior ­— ­how you address your child, what the child is doing at the
time, even the look on your face. Want your child to go to bed on
time? To take a bath or do a chore? To tell you where she’s going after
school? To listen better or be more physically active? What happens
before each of these behaviors, or before the moment you want it to
happen, greatly affects the likelihood that the behavior will occur.
Temperaments and family situations do vary, and different children
will be more or less oppositional or cooperative (as any parent with
more than one child will tell you), but it’s still true that the way you
use antecedents can influence a child to do what you wish .  .  . or
adamantly refuse to do it.
Antecedents influence all kinds of behavior in everyday life.
A wave from a friend is an antecedent; when you walk over and
say hello, that’s the behavior cued by the wave; and the pleasure of
human contact is the consequence. A warning not to eat spoiled food
is an antecedent, too, and it’s intended to lead to a certain behavior:
eating only food that’s safe to eat. If you ignore that antecedent and
scarf down mold-covered lunchmeat, you’re putting yourself in line

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 2 The Everyday Parenting Toolkit

for the memorably negative consequence of painful and messy stom-

ach trouble.
When we set out to use antecedents consciously, we do it because
we’re confident that a certain antecedent has an influence on what
happens next. So, one person invited out to a fancy dinner might
starve himself all day to gear up to take maximum advantage of the
opportunity, but another might eat a snack before the dinner to im-
prove her chances of exercising moderation and not overeating when
faced with all that fabulous food. In both cases, the dinner guest
consciously does something before arriving that will have an effect
on how he or she behaves at the meal.
But the effect of antecedents is not always so obvious. Often, in
fact, that effect happens at a level well below our own conscious
sense of what we’re up to. For example, there’s a fascinating area
of research in psychology called “priming,” which mostly consists
of presenting cues to people and then having them engage in some
seemingly unrelated activity, like solving a logic problem or arrang-
ing a list of words in alphabetical order. Participants in the experi-
ments are not aware of the relationship between the priming cue
and the activity they then do, and yet there’s a measurable effect
on their behavior. Showing test participants a briefcase ­— ­seemingly
incidentally ­— ­before asking them to complete a task made them
more competitive, but a glimpse of a backpack made them more
cooperative with others. The smell of all-purpose cleaner made
them neater. Participants who were given a warm cup of coffee
to hold tended to see the personalities of people they encountered
during the study as a little more “warm,” emotionally, than did
participants who didn’t hold a cup of coffee. When asked what
made them feel more competitive or neat-minded, or why they felt
that the stranger they encountered had a warm personality, they
couldn’t identify the priming influence as a cue. The research on
priming should remind us that we’re often unaware of how ante-
cedents have a strong effect on our thoughts, feelings, and actions.
But the fact that we’re often unaware of that effect doesn’t detract
from their power.
When it comes to parenting, the first thing to bear in mind is that

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 Laying the Groundwork for Good Behavior 3

most of us rely too heavily on consequences ­— ­punishments, espe-

cially, but also rewards ­— ­when we’re trying to change a child’s be-
havior or mindset. It’s natural to fixate on the behaviors or attitudes
we don’t want and then react to them with reprimands or promises
of big rewards to try to get rid of them, neither of which works very
well. The human brain is actually hard-wired to respond to negative
stimuli, so parents seeking to change their children’s behavior have to
push back against their own human tendency to be better at noticing
and reacting to negative than to positive things.
You will have more success, and life will be easier for you and
for your children, if you take more advantage of the power of ante-
cedents. There’s a great deal you can do in advance that will make it
very likely that the behavior you want will happen when you want
it to, whether what you’re after is something very specific, like doing
homework, or something more general, like listening to you more at-
tentively or speaking respectfully or being more motivated to get off
the couch.
This means that you have to know what behaviors you would like,
and when you want them. When you have an idea of what you’re
looking for, it’s easier to use antecedents to make it happen. That also
gets you out of the habit of just noticing what you don’t want, and
unwittingly reinforcing it with your exasperated attention. I’ll have
more to say about all that in the next chapter, which concentrates on
the behavior itself. For now, let’s stick to antecedents.

Your antecedents toolkit

Let’s start with some common types of antecedents. I’ll go through

them one by one. What we’re doing here is putting some equipment
in your toolkit ­— ­ways to set up the behavior you want.

Prompts are antecedents that directly instruct a specific behavior, such

as “Please pick up the clothes on your floor now.” They can be verbal
instructions, written or physical cues (a note on the refrigerator door,
a list of things to do, colored strips of tape on the fingerboard of a

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 4 The Everyday Parenting Toolkit

child’s violin to guide the placement of his fingers), gestures (waving

to someone to come in or go out), physical guidance (putting a child’s
hands in the proper position on a musical instrument or a tool), or
modeling (demonstrating how to hold a fork or jump rope). Each
type of prompt can be used alone or in combination, and each is di-
rected toward promoting a desired response by conveying what it is
and, sometimes, how to do it.
It’s natural to favor one type of prompt. Typical family life, for in-
stance, seems to feature a great deal of verbal instruction in the form
of shouting from room to room, which doesn’t produce much in the
way of desired behaviors. (The content of the shouted statement is
equivalent to a prompt ­— ­“Come in here and clean up this mess you
made!” ­— ­but the delivery in the form of a shout from a distance will
undermine the request and is more likely to lead to noncompliance.)
But combining different kinds of prompts is much more effective. If
you tell your child to clean her room, that might work, but it will be
more effective, especially when you’re just beginning to try to estab-
lish the behavior as a habit, if you tell her what you want and then
say, “Let’s go start it together,” and then go to her room with her and
model the behavior (pick up one piece of clothing off the floor and
put it in the laundry bag). Or you could try taking turns as a prompt:
I do one, you do one.
Many parents have an almost instinctive resistance to “I do one,
you do one” and other such strategies. Understandably, they want
their child to be independent, and they fear that helping him do every
little task will not teach him to do things on his own. But that’s a mis-
placed worry. It’s efficient and effective to be close by at first and to
help a lot early in training, because initiating behavior and getting the
early steps going are the most difficult part. Firming up the habit later
on is relatively easy. As more of the behavior occurs (more cleaning
up on her own, more homework time), it works well for a parent to
stop offering prompts and back off.
Fading refers to the gradual removal of a prompt. If you abruptly
remove a prompt too early in training, you may be interfering with
the establishing of a habit. But if your child is consistently doing the

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 Laying the Groundwork for Good Behavior 5

behavior when you prompt her to, you can begin to reduce and fi-
nally omit the prompt. For example, teaching someone how to serve
in tennis or how to play the piano may include reminders (prompts)
regarding how to hold the racket or how to place fingers on the keys.
As the beginner learns, the nature of the prompt may change ­— ­from
“Hold your fingers like this” (with the teacher modeling the posi-
tion) to just saying the word fingers without any other statement or
modeling. Also, you can provide prompts less frequently. The correct
behaviors are reinforced without reminders, and soon these behav-
iors do not need to be prompted at all, or only very rarely. Finally, the
behavior is reinforced without prompts.
If you are going to use just a verbal prompt, it helps to remember
that the more concrete and specific the statement, the better. “Please
bring me the phone” is much better than “Could you bring me the
phone?” (an open-ended question that naturally leads a child to think,
“Yes, I am capable of bringing you the phone,” but not necessarily to
bring you the phone right now) or just “Bring me the phone,” a com-
mand that eliminates all possibility of choice, with bad effects I will
get to in a minute. Both the open-ended question and the imperious
command are less effective than making a polite and specific request.
Similarly, “Fix your shoes! You’re nine years old!” is very unclear
and open-ended; “Please tie your shoelaces” is much more likely to
produce the results you want.
As you can probably tell, the “please” matters a great deal ­— ­both
because it conveys a sense of choice to a child and because it serves
to control your own tone. It’s harder to yell and speak harshly when
you begin with “please.” Choice, a warm tone, and politeness all help
to produce the results you want, as I’ll explain when I tell you about
other sorts of antecedents.
First, though, one story about the importance of tone and “please”
as antecedents. One of the mothers who came to the Yale Parenting
Center for help complained that her nine-year-old daughter, Rena,
never listened to her when she asked her to start homework, prac-
tice her flute, or help with setting or clearing the table. I asked the
mother to pretend I was the child to see how she asked Rena to do

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 6 The Everyday Parenting Toolkit

something. The mother made very clear statements about what to

do: “Go to your room and start practicing your flute.” The content of
the prompt was perfect in clarity. But the tone was a little harsh and
she made no effort to soften the request, which therefore felt more
like an order. The mother’s natural tone of voice sounded harsh to
begin with, even when she was just talking about something with me
or with the staff at the Parenting Center, and when she spoke to her
daughter, it was even a bit harsher.
There is more to getting compliance from a child than tone of
voice and presentation, but a harsh tone can all by itself lead to non-
compliance. We had the mother practice putting “please” in front
of her requests. We asked her to smile a little, too. The “please” and
the smile helped make the request much less harsh ­— ­they at once
controlled how the mother made the statement (more sweetly) and
in the process raised the likelihood that the child would comply. (Try
it yourself. Even if the content of a command is stern, it sounds gen-
tler if you smile and say “please” while issuing it.) We also had the
mother practice going over to her daughter and speaking more softly.
So the full package was to say “please,” smile, and go closer to the
child so Rena’s mother could speak more softly and still be heard.
Rena almost instantly began to comply more often with her mother’s
requests and virtually stopped arguing and talking back, which had
been a problem before.
Note that we didn’t ask Rena’s mother to be any more lenient
or to change her policies at all. We just helped her make a couple of
slight changes in the tone of her antecedents.

Setting events influence a behavior without offering a direct, nar-

rowly focused prompt. They set the stage for a behavior. For instance,
reading to a young child to help him wind down before bedtime will
increase the chances of a smooth transition to sleep. Setting events
can be broad in scope or very specific, and they’re used throughout
everyday life. The cinnamon cookie smell wafting through the house
on display by a realtor or the soft music one hears when boarding an
airplane are setting events for desired outcomes: making an offer on

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 Laying the Groundwork for Good Behavior 7

a house, taking your seat calmly. Parents arguing before school can
be a setting event for their child being noncompliant at school and
getting into trouble. We can break down setting events further into
whether they make a behavior more or less likely to occur.
Dress codes in schools are a classic setting event intended to pro-
mote disciplined and orderly behavior. Dress codes in restaurants,
similarly, don’t just give the proprietors an excuse to exclude some
people; they’re also intended to increase the likelihood that dressed-
up customers will behave courteously. Giving a child a good-natured
challenge (“I bet you can’t do this”) is often an effective setting event,
because it helps motivate the child to try a behavior, increasing the
likelihood that it will happen. I know of no generally accepted sci-
entific explanation for exactly why challenges work so well, but the
research does suggest some possibilities. It shows us that competition
is a terrific motivator, and it’s possible that a challenge sets up an im-
plied competition with some standard, like a runner testing himself
against the clock, or with a peer group. That’s why it can help if you
add to the challenge something like “It’s OK if you can’t do it now,
because it’s really hard for a kid your age. But maybe when you’re
older . . .”
A setting event can also make a behavior less likely to happen.
Eating a big meal before you go to the supermarket decreases the
chances that you’ll buy a lot of food there. Some convenience store
owners pipe classical music out to the parking lot to decrease the
likelihood that teenagers will choose to loiter near the store. And,
as Rena’s mother learned, ordering a child to do something with a
drill sergeant tone makes it less likely that the child will do it. “You
get over here right this second!” is a prompt, but the harsh tone and
stern facial expression with which a parent delivers that prompt also
constitute a setting event that makes it less likely that the child will,
in fact, get over there right then.
If there’s even a whiff of coercion in a command ­— ­and in this
example there’s much more than a whiff, since the child is given no
glimmer of choice in the matter ­— ­the child is less likely to comply.
One interpretation of why that’s so is that being coerced even a little

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 8 The Everyday Parenting Toolkit

leads a child to anticipate consequences he’s likely to regret. That is,

the “or else” in the implied “do it, or else” is a consequence, and that
shades the child’s reaction to the “do it” part. People in general are
risk-averse, and the child responds to someone trying to force him
to do X with the conviction that X is not something the child would
otherwise do and therefore might have some undesirable effects for
him. A second interpretation is that being told to do something is
mildly aversive and leads to escape behavior. One escape behavior is
not to do what you’re being told to do; another is leaving the situa-
tion. Force, or the threat of it, is aversive and invokes a reaction.
With almost any message, how it’s delivered can dictate whether
you increase or decrease the chances of a certain behavior. For exam-
ple, hotels want guests to reuse their towels, which conserves energy
and saves money. The usual request is something like “Help save the
environment and reuse your towels.” That purely rational approach,
based on a belief that everyone would reuse towels if they just under-
stood how important it is, doesn’t work very well. Understanding is
a pretty poor motivator to comply with a request: people who smoke
understand that it’s bad for them, but they do it anyway. But if the
hotel adds to the message some statement about other guests reus-
ing their towels, it creates the impression that reusing towels is a so-
cial norm, which is a stronger motivator for compliance and thereby
makes conservation much more likely to occur. So the message should
say something like “Three out of every four people who stay in this
room have reused their towels” and then make the request. The infor-
mation that others are doing it is a setting event that greatly increases
the likelihood of the guest engaging in the desired behavior.
As a parent, saying to your four-year-old, “Hey, 75 percent of other
four-year-olds brush their teeth” isn’t going to work. But you can say
something like “You don’t have to brush your teeth now” ­— ­or, dur-
ing toilet training, “You don’t have to use the toilet now” ­— ­“because
you’ll be able to do it when you are a bigger boy.” Invoking the “big-
ger boy” is a way of saying that all big boys brush their teeth, so
you’re offering a social norm by saying that many people do it, and
phrasing it as a challenge, and you’re offering choice, all of which
increase the chances of success.

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