My first blog post in a long time.

I recently tried to start a new blog; then I realized I still had this one! I suppose the only problem is that Im missing my old posts. Not sure what happened there. Anyway, I just wanted to talk about things that have been simmering in my heart and mind for a while. Namely, singleness and celibacy. Did you do a facepalm in reaction to my statement? I hope not. I can speak authoritatively on this! I have at times felt sorry for myself for the years seemingly lost to singleness the children who have not been born, the memories that have not been made with my husband. But Ive been growing and stretching. I feel it. I feel the Lord teaching me. About a month ago I had a meeting with the director of the Global Studies Department at Liberty University. It was more like a coffee date, and I was SO excited! Here was a woman who, at age 39, was the head of a major department at a major university, had been to thirty countries, had two degrees and I had her attention for an hour. She listened to me describe the dilemma I had over finishing an MSW degree. But at some point our conversation veered to singleness. I mentioned that Id soon be turning thirty. I sighed. She told me a little about her own struggle with singleness. Shed once been engaged to a man who lost his memory in an accident, making their relationship impossible. She spoke as if it was a distant memoryand a distant pain lingered, if only for a moment. I admired her as I listenedbecause she kept going. She traveled, she studied. She served the Lord. She told me about a friend of hers who had only known marriage and raising children and how limited her independence was. In other words, she was SO TIED to her husband that there werent many things she did by herself. In this day and age, she remarked, the independent woman is the norm. I know this. I guess I just never figured I would be her. That hyper-independent woman. Truthfully, Im not so good on my own; I love people and attach to them easily. But I dont think she was talking about independence as I refer to it. She told me to count it a privilege that Ive gotten to serve the Lord as much as I havein as many contexts as I have. Its true that Ive done different things, but I cant say that Ive always been grateful for them. But probably one of the highlights of our conversation was when she stopped, looked down and said, I dont know if this will mean anything to you, but I just feel like I should say You are not broken. I let her words sink in. I let them begin to rearrange the narrative that I have told myself that probably does include brokennessor incompletenessbecause of my singleness. Although I am in love with the Lord, I have marveled a lot recently at my own journey of celibacy. Ive followed Jesus since childhood, but I dont often look around and see others who have taken this hard road.

Now, Im not extolling myself here. Im drawing your attention to the remarkable ability of the Holy Spirit to give a believer self-control. It isnt that I havent been confronted with opportunities to sin, or even that Ive been blameless in areas of physical intimacy. But this is to say that I have waited for my husband all of this timeexpecting God to bring me into a divine union. As I face turning thirty this summer, I am not complaining about being single. I do sometimes mourn the young motherhood that Id imagined, and the silly things I could have done with a very young husband, but I have to look at these things in a new way. I have to remember that it was the Lords good pleasure to have me to Himself all of these years. The countless hours of prayer. And worship. How many thousands of songs have I sung? How many precious people have I prayed for and with? How many hundreds of miles have I traveled to serve Him because I loved Him? My friends, hold me accountable. I have been so many places alone, but not really alone. Let me not feel sorry for myself now. Not when I have seen Him do so much.