For a Happy Family Life

Fr Joe Mannath SDB To say that a family is happy is like saying that trees are green. Trees look green from far, say, from an airplane. But, as you get closer to a tree, you will see that a tree that looked so green from far is actually grey and brown and black and red and many shades of green. There will be broken branches, fresh and dead leaves, luscious and rotten fruit. So it is with families. No family is as it appears from far. Even in the so-called happy families there are many heartaches and hurts, deep pain and a host of unresolved issues. The question, therefore, is not about aiming at something magical called happy family life, nor giving up on it, because of problems. What can we realistically expect of family life? What can we do to make our families happier, a place where real love is experienced, and healing can take place? Here are some tips I have given to parents in seminars and counselling sessions. For the sake of clarity and simplicity, I shall reduce them to a few dos and donts for parents, since that is easier to remember. My suggestions are for parents, since the main responsibility for the family lies with them. Things to Do: 1. Encourage and affirm. A word of genuine appreciation from the parents means the world for the child. A college lecturer, a woman in her forties, told me: I have grown up with a positive self-image and great confidence, because my father really helped me to believe in myself. Shoba, a young accountant, once told me: My two sisters are prettier than I am. This has never been a problem for me, since my mother made me feel good about myself. 2. Spend time with your children: Alister, a man with three children, shared this experience with me. I bought a toy for my son, showed him how to use it, and left him with his friend. Then, I was about to go to my room to do some work. But the little fellow objected. He said: Daddy, if you go away, who will watch me play? This was an eye-opener for me. My children need not only food and toys from me; they need my time. He decided to make time for them, however busy he was. 3. Pray for and with your children: This has a much more lasting effect than exhorting them to pray. My father died when I was in my teens. He never lectured me on prayer. But I can still see his face as he prayed. It was a look of utter concentration. He seemed to be totally focused on what he was doing. None of us can provide our children everything they need, or all that we dream. And we do not know what problems they will face in future. One of the best gifts we can make them is the ability to face life and solve problems. This they learn from our example. The strength and serenity we get in prayer is something they will breathe in. They will learn from our example to seek and find courage and peace through a life of faith.

4. Teach them gratitude: One day, I was invited for dinner in a Catholic family. Before we started our meal, the mother turned to the eldest son and said, Tommy, you start today. I was wondering what Tommy was supposed to do. Tommy then told the family something nice he had experienced that day. This mother has trained the family to recall and thank God for something good they had experienced that day. Each member of the family did this everyday at supper. What a lovely way to conclude the day, instead of sitting down to grumble or gossip! 5. Teach them to share and to make sacrifices : One of the negative influences of todays smaller family is that children tend to become more selfcentred. As a rule, they are less willing to share, and less capable of adjusting to other people. Both these things were taken for granted in larger families. So today, we need to make a more conscious effort to teach children to share (time, things, space, etc) with others, and to make sacrifices. One of the finest persons I know is a very generous and upright Catholic gentleman whose life inspired many others. When he was seven years old and preparing for his First Holy Communion, his mother told him to help his aged uncle who was staying with them. She taught him to help this elderly relative in many small ways. This sense of service, picked up at home at such a tender age, stayed with him all his life. 6. Correct them (but do not be cruel): Children are not perfect and need to be corrected. We should teach right behaviour mostly through example, yes. But we also need to correct them when they go wrong. Children themselves will be shocked if were to give into all their demands, or silently approve of what they know is wrong. In a much-publicized American drug trial, a teenager drugaddict told the court: I was hoping that my mother would step in and say, Stop it! but she didnt. 7. Respect Your Spouse: If the spouses do not respect each other, their children will not respect either of them. It would be most foolish to curry favour with ones children by speaking ill of ones spouse, or by putting the spouse down in front of the children. If you want your children to respect you, you must respect your spouse. Things to Avoid: 1. Do not be partial: Partiality is one of the quickest ways of losing the childrens confidence and respect. Once a sixty-year-old married woman told me: When I was growing up, my elder sister was always preferred to me. People do not forget it all their life. Each of your children must be precious for you; you must show love and warmth to all of them, and meet their needs in a fair and just way, without having favourites. 2. Do not Abuse: Abuse is of three typesphysical, psychological and sexual. All three do serious harm. There is more abuse of children in homes than we would imagine. Most families tend to cover it up, for various reasons. Examples of abuse: a man coming home drunk and beating his wife and children, or abusing them verbally; calling children offensive names or humiliating them in

front of others; exploiting children sexually. Most sexual abuse takes place in homes, at the hands of relatives. 3. Do not gossip: In some families, as soon as the guests leave, the family starts gossiping about them. Children then pick up this habit, too. In one very different kind of family, as soon as one of the children started speaking ill of someone, the mother intervened: We come together to be happy together. We can talk, laugh, listen, have fun, pray, play, and make each other happy. We do not gossip about others. This is what families should teach, both by example and in words. 4. Do not rate relatives and friends by money: Suppose you welcome the rich cousin, but do not want to see the poorer auntie, your children learn this sad lesson from you. They learn that what matters is not affection or family ties, but money. Tomorrow, they will discriminate among themselves, according to the money each of them has. 5. Do not imitate your children: While parents (and educators) should be familiar, and take an interest in all the activities of their children, it would be a mistake to try to dress or act or talk like children or teenagers. A fifty-year-oldman or a forty-year-old-woman trying to dress and behave like a fifteen-year-old would become a laughing stock. Your children need you as people they can look up to, not as other confused children who can are no wiser than they are. 6. Do not compare one child with another : Children (and adults) differ in gifts, abilities, self-confidence. It would be cruel and discouraging to be saying often: Why cant you be like your elder sister? or Your brother got into such a good school. Why are you so lazy? A certain amount of comparison is unavoidable. This is OK and even helpful (since all of us learn from those who perform better), but we have no right to expect that that a less gifted child measure up to the standards set by the brighter sibling. 7. Do not cultivate destructive habits: Avoid especially alcoholism, smoking and drugs. Parents are the people who influence us most. Our children have a right to expect good example from us. Any addiction damages not only our physical health, but also our peace of heart and our family atmosphere. This does not need any proof. It is enough to look at families we know. Families Then and Now: There are major social, economic and cultural changes affecting families, both abroad and in India. Let me mention four of these changes. Todays families are generally: (1) Smaller. This leads to greater opportunities for each child, and a higher standard of living. One flip side is great egoism in children and a diminished readiness to adjust to people. This can affect their marriage and career negatively. (2) Less authoritarian: Most younger parents tend to be friends of their children than strict disciplinarians or feared authority figures, as often was the case earlier. This can be a good thing, provided the more relaxed atmosphere contains also sufficient discipline, and children know that there are boundaries which must be respected.

(3) Stressed out by many demands: Work, school, rushing for appointments, two jobs to see to, extra-curricular activities of childrenMany parents are stressed out. There are cases where the father sees the children only on the weekend. On other days, he leaves for work before they get up, and gets back home after they are in bed. (4) Pressurized to buy things: Advertisements, the affluent life style of the rich, the gadgets seen in the hands of class matesall this makes todays young want to have more and more things. This puts tremendous pressure on parents, most of whom cannot afford the things their children dream of. Conclusion Whatever the limitations and pains of being a family, it is still the most influential factor in a persons life. Dealing with formation issues of religious and priests, I often say: Our first and most influential formation house is our family. Research, too, supports this view. Hardly any other influence can match the impact of mother and father on a person. So, all things considered, if there is one social institution worth taking trouble for, it is the family. It can make or break people. It can build up, heal and sustain, or destroy and poison peoples lives. In this year of the family, we Salesians could do at least two special things: (1) Deepen and nourish our family spirit, which many of us feel has gone down very much; (2) Organize seminars and talks for the parents of our schools and parishes on the topics I have mentioned above. The experience of having given such seminars convinces me of their usefulness, and of the readiness of parents to listen and learn. Many spouses and parents today are looking for help. We are among those who are in a position to offer that help.
Fr. Joe Mannath SDB, currently on the staff of Don Bosco Renewal Centre, Bangalore, is a doctoral guide at Madras University and a visiting professor in Chicago. His experience includes formation work, university teaching in different countries, and seminars for different categories of people. He is the author of bestselling books and many articles. For details, see: www. joemannath.org