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Prefaee
Sinners, I am talking to thee. I hath observed thy sinful sinnitude for as long as the day is sinful, and I am aghast at what I see. I see couples engaging in hand-holding before sunset; I see teenagers enjoying their chocolate wafers before completing their Christian dinners; I see mothers hitting their children fewer than five times a week-and worse still, God sees what thou do. And lord, howthe Lord shalljudge thee. Repent now, sinners, or He shall zap thee with lightning. The Lord hath mighty powers-He can runneth faster than the cheetah, jumpeth higher than the kangaroo, swimmeth deeper than the sea lamprey-and He shall use everything in His disposal to smite thee as the need arises. He shall trap thee in a glass box and suffocate thee; He shall entwine thy neck with bless6d ropes and strangle thee; He shall place thee precariously near the edge of a windowsill and summon a gust of wind to defenestrate thee... if thee do not repent thyselfnow.

If thee do not abandon thy blasphemous ways at once, He shall chew thee up and spit thee out; He shall watch thee writhe on his plate as his still-warm saliva continues to digest thee; and He shall then discard thee along with the other scraps on his plate into his dog's feeding bowl. Thou shalt beggeth Him for forgiveness, yet He shall spit in thy face, serving only to accelerate thy digestion even further. The Lord's enzymes are strong.
Thou hast repulsed the Lord in every which way, but it is not too late to turn thy life around. Embrace The Book, embrace its Holy Word, and then embrace this book-arguably a lesser book than The Book, yet still a fine publication-and do everything instructed to thee therewithin. Live a better life; be a better Christian; demonstrate to the Lord why He should tolerate thy existence. Cast away thy sins like God cast Adam and Eve out of His garden, and then step on thy sins like Adam ought to have stepped on the snake, and then cover up thy sinful past like the fig leaf covering Eve's genitals.

Daily Sermon:
The True Meaning of Christmas
Every year, when man ought to celebrate the birth of our Savior, he instead celebrates the birttr of Saint Nick-a man whom is disbelieved by many to be a true saint in the frst place.
Saint Nicholas goes by many names-Kris Kringle, Jolly Old Man, Satan Claus, Red Tums, and Red Roofus, to name just a few-but the one I prefer most is "Profaner of Truth." Sinners, believe not in Santa Claus, for your parents have created him as a lie. Believe instead in the Lord Jesus Christ, who I assure you is not a lie.
Santa is alleged to fly at supersonic speeds on a sleigh pulled by magical reindeer. Is this plausible? The Holy Bible states that the power of supersonic flight belongs exclusively to the Lord. Only He can fly upwards of Mach l; only He can create the sonic boom. The myth of Santa is just that-a myth.

Believe not that Santa is keeping a list and checking it twice, for it is only up to Jesus to judge who is naughty and nice. And Jesus need not check his list twice, for the Bible states that Jesus never
makes mistakes in accounting. The Lord's mind is stronger than even Microsoft Excel.

It is Jesus, not Santa, who doth see you when you sleep, and it is Jesus, not Santa, who knows when you're awake. Our Lord Jesus Christ knows if you've been bad or good, so be good before He zaps thee with lightning.
Thou hadst better not pout, thou hadst better not cry, unless thy tears are contrition for thy countless misdeeds. Jesus Christ came to town two millennia ago.
Santa did not.

tta,,I^l-J

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Crime-Fighting Jesus
Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of man? The Lord Jesus Christ knows.
The Lord Jesus Christ can see into thy hearts with His x-ray vision. He can see thy every heartbeat, and He can see thy clogged arteries, and He begs thee to eat better and exercise more. Gluttony is only one of many deadly sins. Sinners, every time you steal a candy bar, murder somebody, or forget to return your library books on time, you are being watched by a force more deadly than any security camera or police officer: you are being watched by Jesus Christ The Crime Fighter.

Crime-Fighting Jesus doesn't have a badge or a gun, but ask yourself this: does that make Hirn /ess dangerous -- or more
dangerous?

Picture Jesus as the loose-cannon detective who got fired from the force for his any-means-necessary approach. He was the only one who could bring down the drug czar, sure, but did he have to blow up half the city block along the way? Those kinds of methods may have been tolerated where he came from, but unless he wants to spend the rest of his career writing parking tickets he had better play this next one by the book. "I'm a damn good cop and you know it," growls Jesus. "Nobody but me has got what it takes to catch Lopez-not Tommy, not Tito-nobody." He slams his badge and his gun on the desk and storms out of the room.

After leaving the force, Jesus has become sharper and more focused than ever. And just because He is now stuck sitting on a cloud for etemity, it does not mean He can't still punish thy misdeeds by zappngthee with lightning. On the contrary, it gives Him the perfect vantage point.

If there is one thing that

Jesus hates the same amount as sin, it is

crime, because crime is a type of sin.

Drily Prayer.:
Dear God, Be a Vengeful God
Dear God, be a vengeful God. Find the strength to be ever merciless in your wrath; find the vigor to be ever vigilant in your watch; find the time to be ever present in our lives as you rain furious hails of arrows and sulfi.u upon those of us who have sinned. Father in Heaven, be a vengeful Father. Impale those who have sinned upon a many-pronged fork; leave the fork out in the rain for several days first to ensure its rustiness prior to impalement; coat the fork with something highly acidic to maximize the pain upon receipt of its thrust.

Crime-Fighting Jesus, be a vengeful Crime-Fighting Jesus. Send Mack truck barreling towards a sinner's house at speeds upwards of fifty miles per hour with its breaks cut while shooting at its gas tank so it explodes moments before plowing into their house and obliterating all in a flaming inferno the likes of which they will not see again until mere seconds later when they descend into hell.
a

Satan, although I do not pray to you often, be a vengeful satan you prod the sinners' bottoms with your pitchfork.

as

Learning fi:orn R,eal Life:

The Man Who Renounced the Bible
Mark had it all: a pleasant Christian home, a lovely Christian wife, and six adoring Christian children. He had a humble job baking bread, he went to church twice a week-donating very
generously, rnight I once in his life.

add-,

and he had never smoked cigarettes

One day, his friend Donald offered him a cigarette.

"I don't know," Mark did

sayeth, "doesn't the Lord Jesus Christ declare the smoke from tobacco to be sinful?"

"Ease up," Donald said. "I don't believe Jesus would etemally damn you for having just one cigarette. Doesn't that seem excessive to you?"

"No!" Mark did howl as he knocked the cigarettes out of Donald's hands. "I believe in Jesus Christ and I love Him more than anything and I shall have this conversation with you no longer!" Mark stormed off into the distance, leaving Donald
behind.

Many years later, after Mark had died, he was sent to hell-he never did have that cigarette, but God was angry at him for socializing with a nonbeliever like Donald. Mark cried over his misdeeds as Satan whipped him, and he apologized for having renounced the Bible so, but it was too late: he was in hell, where
he belonged. be like Mark. Repent now, while you're able. (If you do not tell this story to 20 people, verbatim, the Lord shall zap thee with lightning.)

Don'tyou

An Enlightened Essay:
Can Science and Religion Coexist?
The devout Christians among us know that science is both evil and a sin. It exists solely to undermine God's glorious Word and tempt all those who have wavering faiths. But is there anything that can be said in favor of this comrptible institution? Actually, yes-for although science is to be distrusted and denounced when it contradicts the Bible's teachings, the Lord pennits thee to embrace it on the rare instances when it does not. One such instance: both science and religion agree that it would hurt to get
zapped with lightning.

Scientists have used their equipment and laboratories to deduce that lightning travels at 186,000 miles per second-a full onetenth as fast as the Lord himself travels-so just imagine how much it would hurt for something that fast to run into you. It makes you want to start pleasing God right now, doesn't it, so perhaps He won't have a reason to'send any lightning your way? Scientists also tell us that lightning can split trees in halfand rrake them catch fire. Indeed, even ifyou are not a tree, you should still be wary of such a fate. One never knows. Scientists tell us that lightning travels faster than does thunder, which Christianity has not yet come to consensus on.

Finally, scientists tell us that rain, which often occurs simultaneously with lightning, represents God crying; if this is the case, then lightning represents God smiting sinful heathens. Every time you see lightning flash across the sky, picture some unlucky person or tree who has recently sinned. Be thankful that it was not you-and start readjusting your life to make sure it
s/ays not you.

No longer is science good for nothing. Now it is good for one

thing.

Ileecling Good lMords:

A Wholesome Christian Interview with Biblical Scholar Dr. T. H.
Jameston
This interview was conducted by Lewis Hinner, an intern at Holy Zines Publications.

Lewis Hinner: First of all, Dr. Jameston, thank you so much for
blessing us with your presence.

Dr. T. H. Jameston: I think you have me confused with I am a biblical scholar. Only priests can bless things.

a priest;

LH: I'm sorry, Dr. Jameston; please forgive me. THJ: The Bible does tell us that only the Lord can forgive
people.

LH: Dr. Jameston, please do not forgive me, then, and instead hold a lifelong grudge against me-a grudge so severe, so irreversible, that not even a lobotomy could undo it. THJ: Gladly, my pupil. Now, what are we here to talk about
today?

LH: Well there are a number of topics: first off, what doTHJ: Excuse me, Mr. Hinner, but the Bible does also declare it

sin to slouch in one's chair. apologies, Dr. Jameston----our first topic is: What does LH: -mysay about the matter of, how shall I put this, pre-marital, the Bible erm... that is to saY, um... THJ: Pre-marital pleasantries? LH: Yes, Dr. Jameston. THJ: Pre-marital pleasantries are, like all other pleasantries, forbidden by the Holy Word of God. He does state that we must sing of our love often, but that we must derive no pleasure from

our doing so. Our song must be performed for the sake of spreading His glory, not of making ourselves happy. We must live ajoyless existence of servitude to the Lord. LH: I see. And how does this change after the marriage occurs? THJ: The blessed bonds of matrimony are a glorious thing. The song of our love is infinitely stronger when it is sung as a duet. Just make sure that, during the duet, you are still not deriving any pleasure. You must refrain from such salacious feats as

harmonizing with each other or providing instrumental

accompaniment.

LH:

So my wife and I are to be completely discordant if we are to live healthy Christian lives?

THJ: Oh yes, absolutely. LH: Now, can you explain to our readers

at home exactly what

you're refening to when you say "instrumental accompaniment"?

THJ: Tambourines, cymbals, harpsichords, and so on. LH: And these are rnetaphors for...? THJ: I'm afraid I don't understand the question. LH: Aren't we using this whole music thing as a metaphor for,
please pardon my bluntness, romantic relations? THJ: We are not. does hold metaphors to be a dreadful abomination. They are described in Leviticus l5:22 as a dark plague-cloud against the white sky ofjustice. Metaphors are a burglar lurking in the shadows, a tiger crouching in the brush. They are a communicable disease, if you will, one that atrophies both rnind and body irreversibly, and we must wash our hands clean of them before we are infected with their poisons. LH: I am so confused.

LH: We were speaking literally? THJ: Very much. For you see, the Bible

Dr.

T. H. Jameston's book, Keep That Frown Right-side Down: The Rewards of Joyless Servitude to the Lord, will be available in boolrstores everywhere this spring.

Daily Prayer:
I Am No Good
Lord, please hear me when I say, please believe ,o" please pity me when I say: I am no good.

*h.n Luy,
I

I am lousy; I am contemptible; I am trash. I am utter trash and am gutter trash.

I have seen good before, and I know that I am not it. I am something else entirely. Not necessarily its opposite, but certainly
its absence.

My soul is tainted with sin. My mind is tainted with filmic

depictions of violence and pomography and various other forms of smut. My bed is tainted with unholy unions in unholy positions. Every day that I live is a day that I sin. I claim to be a good Christian, but both you and I know such a claim to be unfounded in truth. It is as foul an untruth as an untruth sent from satan's own lips-lips which, might I add, I have heeded the call of far too oft.

Although I have done nothing yet in my life to please you, I shall try with all of my might to do better tomorrow. Please be patient with me, Lord, for I am no good.
(Ihese words represent what you are supposed to say, not what the author of this publication would say himself. -Ed.)

-LEAP-[O THE
SAN,{E PN.ACE.".

Daily Sermon:
Hollywood Shall Be Among the First Zapped
The Lord and I know that Hollywood is the devil. And although the devil is too far underground to be zapped with God's lightning, Hollywood is at just the right height.

Every great civilization has been brought to its demise as a direct result of violence being used as a form of entertainment. Consider the fall of ancient Rome, for Example, which was caused by the colosseum and the way it comrpted people's morals. I have just provided irrefutable proof.
But just as bad as these directors are the people who reward them. Not long ago, a "film" titled Pulp Fiction was awarded the Palme D'Or. And for what? Its glamorization of tobacco and firearms. I venture that if I were to make a film glarnorizing wholesome Christian values, it would never win a Palme D'Or. And I'm just
as

talented a director as Mr. Quentin Tarantino.

In fact, I am more talented, for I have God as rny script editor.

ON]E:

accepting Jesus

Christ as your

Lord and
personal Savior

F et Enlightened Dssay:
How To React To Non-Christia_ns
It has happened to all of us: we are walking our family to a bible
study meeting, when whom do we pass on the sidewalk but a group of non-Christians! What is one to do? Our instinct is to pull our loved ones closer to us, lest they fall under the sweet, seductive spell ofour aberrant passersby, but such a sudden action might only startle our enemies into striking us. Remember: we mustn't provoke them in any way, as they are jealous of our loving family and will likely try to kidnap one of its mernbers.

Fortunately, ifyou perform one ofthe below suggestions, you can keep both yourself and your family safe and untainted. These should work well no matter what type of non-Christians you are dealing with-satanists, punk rockers, sodomites, jews, et cetera.

l. Swiftly drop into genuflection and perform a prayer that will bring God's attention to these heathens, thus accelerating their eventual fate of being zapped with lightning. For added efficiency, encourage your family to join in. 2.
Grasp your crucifix while howling at the heathens, "My family neither adheres to nor endorses your sinful ways, and we

will absolutely not succumb to them! This leaves you little recourse but to prey on some other family, for example that one across the street, who is less likely than we to be concealing vampire-proof collars beneath their coats!" Then spit at them.
Feigning politeness, invite them to the bible study meeting as they arrive, dunk their heads in the baptismal font and watch them dissolve. Make sure not to inhale

3.

with you. As soon

the fumes.

Look them dead in the eye and tell them you're giving them one chance, and only one chance, to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and personal Savior. When they invariably say no, kill them.

4.

5.

If all else fails, offer thern your smallest child as a peace offering. Hopefully they will be placated and not demand your
next=smallest child as well. When you return home after the bible study meeting, be fruitful and multiply a replacement for the tyke.

Chr.istian Media Guide

Wholesome, Christian Films Exist

After AII
We all know that Hollywood is run by the "Old Deluder" himself (satan), but did you know that occasionally, by some miraculous

windfall of fortune, he accidentally lets a wholesome, Christian film slip through his sulfury cracks? Blessdd are these occasions, for they provide our families with something to do while they are
recovering from sunstroke (but as soon as the credits roll, it is back into the fields with them!). Note; Our VCR is not yet back from the repair shop, so as of publication time we were unable to actually view the below films. We are recommending them based on their titles and what we imagine their premises to be.

Jimmy Has Two Fathers (1955), 22 minutes. We praise this film's mission, which is presumably to uphold the sanctity of traditional familial values. In this film, a young Jimmy honors
both of his fathers: his biological father, and the Lord. Required

viewing for anybody who wishes to help preserve the rapidly

crumbing nuclear family. Five stars.

Sorority Girls Find Ecstasy (1971),54 minutes. This delightful film follows a group of learn6d college students who for the first
time in their lives experience true ecstasy, when they accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Their joy is limitless as they spread His divine teachings to their fellow students. Five stars.

Chainsaw-Wielding Sociopaths, Part IV (1974),80 minutes. In this film, the sinners who killed Jesus are made to look like the demonic, soulless, raving sociopaths that they are. We do not appreciate the anachronism of giving them chainsaws, but this concession was likely a ploy to draw in today's jaded youth. We are pleased to finally have an effective way to bring His message to young people. Perhaps this could be shown in Sunday Schools? Five stars.

l4 (1979),40 minutes. We are also pleased to this film's title on our shelves, for its producers must have a very strong commitment towards improving our nation's vocabulary levels. As soon as we can find where we put our
F''ecalfreaks, Vol.
see

dictionary, we will look this word up ourselves, but in the meantime we admire the endeavor all the same. Five stars.

Blood Drinkers Are Ready to Feast, The (1975, Italy), 131 minutes. Finally, a film about Communion. We look forward to a sequel one day-perhaps it could be titled "Eating Christ's Body"? "Devouring Christ Whole"?
Deep Throat (1972),61 minutes. {AU: is tlris filnr supposed to be listed on here? Find out before rve send this to the typesetter.)

Unwholesome, Anti-Christian Films are as Abundant as Ever

Of course, you should not let the above list fool you into thinking that your local video rental store is anything other than a den of moral depravity. Please beware the following films, which we most certainly have seen-multiple times, so as to notice their every flaw.
Snow White And The Seven Dwarves (1937), 83 minutes. In the titular role is a provocatively dressed heroine who enables the vagrancy of her otherworldly beast-friends, of whom there are (not coincidentally) seven. What else are there seven of? That's right-deadly sins. (Sleepy represents Sloth, Sneezy represents Wrath, and so on.) Worse still, whom does Snow White battle but an "evil queen," a crude and insulting characterization of

Christianity itself. Zero stars.

Mr. Rogers'Neighborhood (1968). Satan takes many forms. Do not be fooled simply because he is smiling and wearing a nice sweater. We will certainly nol be satan's neighbor. Zero stars.
Every film that has won an Academy Award. The Academy Awards are distributed by the same company who owns a printing press who once printed a magazine featuring the same managing editor who once oversaw the publication ofa pornographic book (Hamlet). Also, their syrnbol is a golden, naked man. Disgusting. Every film on AFI's Top 100 Films list. Some of the films on this list contain such anti-Christian elements as nudity and/or cursing. The other films on this list are guilty by association.

Daily Prayer:
Lord, Let Me Live Another Day
Lord, I know the pains ofhell are great, and Lord, I know I can do nothing to revoke your decision to damn me. But please, Lord, before you cast me into the incendiary bowels of hell, let me live
another day.

Even if for only a single day, Lord, I ask you to forestall my death, Each day I am allowed to enjoy the glories of earth is one day fewer I must spend getting whipped by Satan's minions while boiling sulfur is poured upon me. I would muchiather bask in your sun and lie in your grass than walk on barbed wire and get stabbed with a pitchfork. I've felt stabs from a one-pronged instrument, and they're painful enough; those from a threepronged instrument could only be worse.

It's really very nice here on earth. I have complained about it before, and I have squandered your gift oflife by spending it sinning, but as I take a mornent to reflect I realize that things here actually compare quite favorably to things down below. For one, there is no lake offire up here. For another, there are no hundredpound bricks I must carry uphill to build Satan's palace with.
Lord, before
yotJ zap me

with lightning, before you crisp me like

a potato chip, before you slice me and dice me, please wait, because sulfur smells gross, and because boiling things hurt.

Stin not convinced?

Consider the following

odvontoges of eorlh over hello

compiled by our expert research staff: {F fewer whips, chains

{F less

sulfur

of actual water not all animals attempt to gore us {F bouts of suffering feature brief pauses of relief in between {l greater Bingo opportunities

{F lakes made

LIIoly Zines feature:

Empfying the Bless6d Mailbag
just started college, and pleas, despile my and my wife's earnest he refuses to major in religious studies. He has instead chosen to major in graphic design. He claims that it's what he "loves to do" and is "his one true passion," yet I am uncorwinced. Surely we can change his L., Missouri mind?
has

Dear Holy Zines, My little Silas, bless his heart,

-Nathaniel

Nathaniel, this may not be what you wanted to hear, but it sounds like you cannot change your son's mind. It would be far better if you listened to him, and believed that it's what he loves to do, and then disowned him. Presumably you have several other children who are younger than he and who can succeed where he has failed in life. Dear Holy Zines, My little Abraham, bless his heart, is getting to that age where he starts to ask questions about his faith. Dfficult questions-ones that my husband and I are sometimes uncertain how to answer. How can we help our son to love the Bible and see its beauty, the way we do, without doubting its teachings? R., -Candace Kentucky In fact, Candace, such curiosity is a natural stage in a child's development. Fortunately, a child is never too old-or too young-to have such devilish curiosity stamped out. Simply tell Abraham that "faith is called faith for a reason," and that if he's going to ask questions it's clear he doesn't have any faith. Also remind him that not having faith will result in his eternal damnation. Also, hit him with a rod. Dear Holy Zines, My liltle Abigail, bless her heart,

has just had her first period. My husband and I are uncertain how to react, as we on one hand want to celebrate our daughter's passage into adulthood, but on the other hand are told by Leviticus that menstruation is uncleanly. Are we really required by Biblical law to exile our

our own daughter for an entire weelc, and to wash every surface H., Kansas she's touched before leaving?

-Sharon

Sharon, it is regrettable to hear that your daughter has chosen to begin this life of sin. Encourage her to take her Biblical studies more seriously in the future (but not until the entire week has elapsed).

Dear Holy Zines,

I, bless my heart, am e woman in modern-day America who

struggles to be successful and career-oriented while at the same

juggling my Christian beliefs, which is increasingly dfficult to

The Bible tells me

do.

I'm inferior to ruen, and that I shouldn't seek to advance myself in society, but I know in my heart that I'm sntart I reconcile my career and my beliefs?
and capable and deserving ofthe success I've achieved. How do N., Nevada

-Miriam

It upsets me to hear you talk about the Bible that way. The Bible is supposed to be something that you love-something that helps
you through life-not something that you view as an obstacle! Frankly, you can't give the Bible the love it requires when your career is getting in the way, and for this reason you should quit, marry, and become a stay-at-home mother of six, immediately. Tramp.

(The above letlers were received between one andfive years ago.)

Daily Sermon:
Be a Better Christian Than Your

Neighbors
Do you really think that heaven awaits you? How can it, when your neighbor has just purchased a new lawn mower, whereas yours is a decade old? The only way to impress God is by being a better Christian than your neighbors. You must dress nicer; you must act nicer; you must pray harder. You must donate more to charity.
Each April, as tax season comes, casually ask your neighbor how much he has donated to charity during the previous fiscal year. It is now your responsibility to donate twice that amount, and before you file your return. God is watching, and the IRS is watching too.

f
$

If you

you-if
lie.

sense that your neighbor is trying to use that same ploy on he ever asks you how much you've donated to charity-

The Bible doesn't ordinarily condone lying, but you mustn't let him get the upper hand.

You must impress God at all costs. You must also excel beyond your neighbor in the category of lingual ability. Does your neighbor end sentences with prepositions? Does he split his infinitives? Perhaps he fails to
distinguish between restrictive and nonrestrictive clauses? In any

ofthese cases, point out his error, loudly enough so that the entire supermarket can hear, and then criticize his groceries'health content. End by quoting a well-selected passage from the Bible.
When the time comes to pay for your groceries, ensure that your coupons are as neatly folded and ironed as they were when you

left the house.

Ileeding Good \Yortls:

A Wholesome Christian lntervicw with Christian Potitical Analyst Dr. C. R. Mercer

This interview was conducted by Lewis llinner, who, dul lo hb strong Christian work ethic, was recenlly promoledlrom lnlsrn al Holy Zines Publications to senior intern al Holy Zlnet Publications.

Lewis Hinner: Dr. Mercer, thank you so much for rlttlng down with us today.

Dr. C. R. Mercer: Please, call me by my full

namo,

LH: Absolutely, Doctor Colby-Tobias Ronaldo'Lukas Morccr, it

would be my pleasure. CRM: I am giateful to Jesus for providing you with this opportunity for pleasure. LH: I am as well. CRM: Praise be unto Him. LH: Let us praise Him with our Thanksgiving. CRM: Deai Lord, who art great; dear Lord, who arlfar beller thanwe; Dear Lord, who doth know that we are but a rancid bacterial growth despoiling your leftovers, which you had hoped

would lqst the entire weekend.'. LH: ...Dear Lord, who hath already been through enough trouble

simply finding the right-sized leftover dish, and does not need this grii| cintpoirding your preexisting ones, like for example the

Sriiffro*

the timeyou gaveyour only begottenson, or,for arothrr front the time Adam created original sin"" CRM: ...Deir Lord, who doth hate original sin almost as much as you hate modern day sin, for example the time I coveted my neighbor's wtfe, for which I am deeply repentant." LH: ...or the time I coveted my neighbor's new laptop, for which I anx even more deePlY rePentant.-. CRM: ...but not as repentant as I was the time I borefalse witness against mY neighbor'.' LH: You did that? CRM: I said I was repentant. LHt ...Dear Lord, wi thank theefor blessing us with this life and this earlh...
example,

CRM: ...because each day o/'this life held on this earth is a chance to sing thy holy praise, to spread thy holy word...

LIJ: ...and to repentfor our many sins, CRM: What's that supposed to mean? LH: Moving along, Dr. Mercer, youCRM: Full name, please.

LIf: Doctor Colby-Tobias

Ronaldo-Lukas Mercer, you're actually here notjust as a blessed fellow Christian and servant to

GodCRM: Praise be unto Him. LH: be unto Him-but specifically as a Christian -praise political analyst, is that correct? CRM: Correct: I have been studying Christian political analysis
with my Christian brethren for over two decades now. LH: Wow! So, what can you tell our readers about politics? How ought our Christian beliefs to impact our political affiliation? What political party should a good Christian be?

CRM: Republican.
Dr. C.R. Mercer has been studying Christian political
over two decades.
analysis

for

ffi Republicans

christians

In Surnmation:
A Terrible World Awaits You
You weren't even listening for the last l8 pages, were you? course not; you were too busy sinning.

Of

You might not realize it, but you are in fact sinning right now. Even as you read this holiest ofpublications, you are having impure thoughts. Thoughts about jungle-rhythm music and packets of artificial sweetener and automobiles with flame decals on them. But as you wallow in filth and laugh all the while, satan is laughing as well, and concurrent to both of these events God is
weeping.

It

is time that you joined God's side and started weeping as well.

Weeping because you are flawed and disgusting. Weeping because you are squandering your life. Weeping because you have no hope for the futue. Weeping because, after you die,
a terrible world awaits you (hell).
Perhaps you are wondering if preaching a doctrine of fear is the best way of communicating a message of morality and peace. Perhaps you are wondering if telling people they are inherently evil and have little hope for redemption is a good idea. Perhaps you are wondering if demanding strict obedience to our rules makes any sense when these rules were designed over nineteenhundred and sixty years ago, when man's social morays and scientific knowledge and medicinal abilities and philosophical backgrounds and economic systems and technological capacities and intercultural awareness were vastly different than they are today.

The answer is yes. Start praying.

About
the

AUthOf
For over a year now, author

Wallid H. Fielding
has been editing and uploading

unspeakably vulgar videos onto

see them at www.youtube.com/waldfi eld. They have very little to do with this publication.

YouTube. You can

Wallid's hobbies include attaching fake

spiders to long poles and dangling them inconspicuously. He is an amazing chef and his favorite food is soup in a can. He once was able to drink an entire glass of water-a feat which has since been repeated.

wald field@ grnail. corn

All writing is @2009 by Waldfield. All design layout and copyediting are by Waldfield as well, so if you see a typo, it is his fault (and he would
actually like to hear about it).

All clipart is takenfrom

copyright-free.

the Dover CIip

Art Series, whose designs are

ng

of these men

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to

ryerur
(Can you guess which?)