TOTRAINUPACHILD

BY MICHAEL&DEBIPEARL

PermissiontoReprint:Wereceivemanyrequeststoreprintourarticlesinotherpublications.Allofour materialiscopyrightedsothatwecanmaintaincontrol.However,wedoherebygrantpermissionforany publicationtoreprintourarticlesintheirentirety,withoutediting,ontheconditionsthat:witheachreprint, clearrecognitionbegivenastothesourceandthearticlemustincludeouraddressandanoffertoreceive ourfreenewsletter.Thispermissionisinforceunlessotherwisenotified.ThePearls TheWebsiteofMichaelandDebiPearlis NOGREATERJOY whereyoucangettheiraddressand requestafreecopyoftheirnewsletter.Wehighlyrecommendtheirwisdomintrainingchildrentoallparents wholovetheirchildren.Theirfirstbook,TOTRAINUPACHILDispresentedbelowinitsentirety.

INTRODUCTION Thisbookisnotaboutdiscipline,norproblemchildren.Theemphasisisonthetrainingofachildbeforethe needtodisciplinearises.Itisapparentthatmostparentsneverattempttotrainachildtoobey.Theywait untilthechildbecomesunbearableandthenexplode.Withpropertraining,disciplinecanbereducedto5% ofwhatmanynowpractice.Asyoucometounderstandthedifferencebetweentraininganddiscipline,you willhavearenewedvisionforyourfamilynomoreraisedvoices,nocontention,nobadattitudes,fewer spankings,acheerfulatmosphereinthehome,andtotalobediencefromyourchildren. Anyparentwithanemotionalmaturitylevelhigherthantheaveragethirteenyearoldcan,withaproper visionandknowledgeofthetechnique,havehappyobedientchildren.Thisisnotatheoryitisapractical realitywhichhasbeensuccessfullyappliedmanytimesover. Acouple,stressedoutwiththeconflictofthreeyoungchildren,afterspendingtheweekendwithusand hearingsomeoftheseprinciples,changedtheirstrategy.Oneweeklater,theyexclaimed,"Ican'tbelieveit wewenttoafriend'shouse,andwhenItoldmychildrentodosomething,theyimmediately,without question,obeyed." Thesetruthsarenotnew,deepinsightsfromtheprofessionalworldofresearch,rather,thesameprinciples theAmishusetotraintheirstubbornmules,thesametechniqueGodusestotrainhischildren.Theyare profoundlysimpleandextremelyobvious.Afterexaminingthemwithus,youwillsay,"Iknewthatallalong. WherehaveIbeen?It'ssoobvious."

question,obeyed." Thesetruthsarenotnew,deepinsightsfromtheprofessionalworldofresearch,rather,thesameprinciples theAmishusetotraintheirstubbornmules,thesametechniqueGodusestotrainhischildren.Theyare profoundlysimpleandextremelyobvious.Afterexaminingthemwithus,youwillsay,"Iknewthatallalong. WherehaveIbeen?It'ssoobvious."

CHAPTER1

ToTrainUpaChild
SWITCHYOURKIDS Whenyoutellsomeparentstheyneedtoswitchtheirchildren,theyrespond,"IwouldifIcouldfind someonewillingtotrade."Ihavehadchildreninmyhousethatwouldbeenoughtogiveanelectricwheat grinderanervousbreakdown.TheparentslooklikeescapeesfromaSecondWorldWar,Polishboxcar. Anotherhourwiththem,andIwouldhavebeensearchingtheyellowpagesfordiscountvasectomies.While wetrytositandtalk,thechildrenareconstantlyrunninginandoutofdoors,complainingofilltreatment fromtheothers,beggingtogoorstayoreat,ordemandingatoythattheotherchildrenwillnotrelinquish. Themothermustcontinuallyjumpupandrescuesomebreakableobject.Shesays,"No"sixhundredand sixtysixtimesinthespaceoftwohours.Shespankseachchildtwoorthreetimesusuallywithherhandon topofadiaper.Otherthanmisaligningthechild'sspine,itseemstohavenoeffect. Whenwespeakofconsistentlyrewardingeverytransgressionwithaswitching(notakaratechoptothe lowerbackbone),thismothercanonlyseeherselfasfurtherbrutalizingchildrenforwhomitwilldonogood. Herdisciplineisjust"layingdownafieldoffire"togiveherselfsufficientcovertogetthroughtothenext task.Shedoesn'thopetoconquertheirwills,justcreateenoughdiversiontoaccomplishherownmission. Anothermotherwalksinwithherlittleonesandsitsdowntotalk.Shesaystothem,"Gooutinthesun roomtoplayanddon'tbotherMamaunlessyouneedsomething."Forthenexttwohourswearenoteven awarethechildrenarepresentexceptwhenalittleonecomesinholdingherselfsaying,"Peepee,Mama." Theyplaytogetherwell,resolvetheirownconflictsanddon'texpectattentionwhenoneturnstherocking horseoverandgetsaknotonherhead.Theydon'tcomeinandouttheyhavebeentoldnotto.This motherneverspankedherchildrenwhileatmyhouse.Andsheneverneededtorebukethem.Shelooks rested.Whenthechildrenarecalledtogohome,onesays,"Mama,canIstayandplaywithShoshanna?" Motheranswers,"No,nottoday.Wehaveworktodoathome."Asheliftshisarms,thelittlefellowis pickedup.Hugginghismother'sneck,hesays,"IloveyouMama." Thisyoungmothersaidtome,"Mychildrenwanttopleaseme.TheytrysohardtodoeverythingIsay.We havesuchfuntogether."Sheislookingforwardtomorechildren.Theyarethejoyofherlife.Buttherewas atimewhenthiswasnotthecase. BythegraceofGodandthroughthesimple,Biblicalprinciplesfoundinthesepages,withdeterminationand anopenheartthismotherhastrainedupchildrenwhobringherjoyandhonor. OBEDIENCETRAINING Trainingdoesnotnecessarilyrequirethatthetraineebecapableofreasonevenmiceandratscanbetrained torespondtostimuli.Carefultrainingcanmakeadogperfectlyobedient.Ifaseeingeyedogcanbetrained toreliablyleadablindmanthroughtheobstaclesofacitystreet,shouldn'taparentexpectmoreoutofan intelligentchild?Adogcanbetrainednottotouchatastymorsellaidinfrontofhim.Can'tachildbetrained nottotouch?Adogcanbetrainedtocome,stay,sit,bequietorfetchuponcommand.Youmaynothave trainedyourdogthatwell,yeteverydaysomeoneaccomplishesitonthedumbestmutts.Evenaclumsy teenagercanbetrainedtobeaneffectivetrainerinadogobedienceschool. Ifyouwaituntilyourdogisdisplayingunacceptablebehaviorbeforeyourebuke(orkick)him,youwillhave afootshymuttwhoisalwayssulkingaroundseeingwhathecangetawaywithbeforebeingscreamedat. Wherethereisanabsenceoftraining,youcannomorerebukeandwhipachildintoacceptablebehavior thanyoucanthefamilydog.Noamountofdisciplinecanmakeupforlackoftraining. Propertrainingalwaysworksoneverychild.Toneglecttrainingistocreatemiserablecircumstancesfor yourselfandyourchild.Outofinnocentignorancemanyofyouhavebypassedthetrainingandexpectedthe disciplinealonetoeffectproperbehavior. "TENNNHUTT!!" Whenheadstrongyoungmenjointhemilitary,theyarefirsttaughttostandstill.Themanyhoursofclose orderdrillaresimplytoteachandreinforcesubmissionofthewill."Attention!"pronounced,"TENNN HUTT!!"isthebeginningofallmaneuvers.Justthinkofthereliefitwouldbeifbyonecommandyoucould gaintheabsolute,silent,concentratedattentionofallyourchildren.Asergeantcancallhismentoattention andthen,withoutexplanation,ignorethem,andtheywillcontinuetostandfrozeninthatpositionuntilthey falloutunconscious.Themaneuvers"Rightflank,Leftflank,CompaneeeyHalt"havenovalueinwar exceptastheyconditionthementoinstant,unquestioningobedience. Asinthemilitary,allmaneuversinthehomebeginwithacalltoattention.Threefourthsofallhome disciplineproblemswouldbeinstantlysolvedifyoucouldatanytimegainyourchild'ssilent,unmoving attention."TOTHEREARMARCH"translatedintofamilylanguagewouldbe:"Leavetheroom,"or,"Go tobed."Withoutquestiontheyturnandgo.Thisisnormalinthewelltrainedfamily. "WHOA,HORSE" Weliveinahorseandbuggycommunitywheresomeoneisalwaystraininganewhorse.Whenyougetinto

Asinthemilitary,allmaneuversinthehomebeginwithacalltoattention.Threefourthsofallhome disciplineproblemswouldbeinstantlysolvedifyoucouldatanytimegainyourchild'ssilent,unmoving attention."TOTHEREARMARCH"translatedintofamilylanguagewouldbe:"Leavetheroom,"or,"Go tobed."Withoutquestiontheyturnandgo.Thisisnormalinthewelltrainedfamily. "WHOA,HORSE" Weliveinahorseandbuggycommunitywheresomeoneisalwaystraininganewhorse.Whenyougetinto abuggytogodownanarrow,windingstatehighwayfilledwitheighteenwheelersandloggingtrucks,you musthaveatotallysubmissivehorse.Youcannotdependonwhippingitintosubmission.Onemistake,and theyoungmenareagainmakingseveralnewpineboxesanddiggingsixfootdeepholesintheorchard. Ahorseisfirsttrainedtostandstillandsubmittobeingcaught.Hemustnotfearthebridleorharness.He muststandstillwhilethethirteenchildrenstepinfrontoftheironwheelstoclimbintothebuggy.When stoppedattheendofadriveway,waitingforthetraffictoclear,hemustnotexercisehisownwilltostepout infrontofeightythousandpoundsofspeedingtruck. Youmustanticipateandtrainthehorseforallpotentialoccurrences.Thisisdoneinacontrolledenvironment wheresituationsarecreatedtotestandconditionthehorse'sresponses.Thehorseisfirstconditionedby beingtakenthroughpaces.Asyouholdthebridleandleadthehorse,yousay,"Whoa,"andthenstop.Since youhaveatightholdonthebridle,hemuststop.Afterjustafewtimes,thehorsewillstoptojustthe command. Thetrainerestablishesthetoneatwhichthehorsewillrespond.Ifyouscream"Whoa!!"theninthefuturethe horsewillnotstopunlessthecommandisscreamedathim.Onesuchfarmertrainedhishorseswithawild, franticbellow.Mostofhisneighbors,whospeakquietlytotheirhorses,finditdifficulttocontrolhishorses becauseoftheirinabilitytoraisetheirvoicesinvehemence. SPEAKTOMEONLY Iwasloggingwithafifteenhundredpoundmulethatsometimeswantedtorunawaywiththelog.In momentsofstress(actuallyIwaspanicstricken),IfoundmyselffranticallyYELLINGthecommands.The ownerwouldpatientlycautionme,"Speakquietlyandcalmly,orhewillpaynoattention."Ineverdidlearn theartofcalmlysaying,"Whoa"toarunawaymulepullingatwentyfivefootwhiteoaklogwithmyfoot hunginthetracechain.Thepointtorememberisthattheanimallearnstoidentifynotonlythesoundbutalso thetone. Ifyouraiseyourvoicewhengivingacommandtoyourchild,hewilllearntoassociateyourtoneanddecibel levelwithyourintention.Ifyouhavesotrainedhim,don'tblamehimifheignoresyourfirstthirteen "suggestions"waitingforthefeveredpitchtoreachthepointwherehemustinterpretittobeareal command. TRAINING,NOTDISCIPLINE "Trainupachildinthewayheshouldgo:andwhenheisold,hewillnotdepartfromit(Prov.22:6)."Train up,notbeatup.Trainup,notdisciplineup.Trainup,noteducateup.Trainup,not"positiveaffirmation"up. Trainingisthemostobviousmissingelementinchildrearing.Trainingisnotdiscipline.Achildwillneedmore than"obediencetraining,"butwithoutiteverythingelsewillbeinsufficient. Parentsshouldnotwaituntilthechild'sbehaviorbecomesunacceptablebeforetheycommencetrainingthat wouldbediscipline.Disciplineisapartoftrainingbutisinsufficientinitselftoeffectproperbehavior. Trainingistheconditioningofthechild'smindbeforethecrisisarisesitispreparationforfuture,instant, unquestioningobedience.Anathletetrainsbeforehecompetes.Animals,includingwildones,are conditionedtorespondtothetrainer'svoicecommand. Thefrustrationexperiencedbyparentsisoftheirownignorantmaking.Ourproblemisnot"bad"children, justbadtraining.Therearenoexceptions,the"strongwilled,"thehyperactive,thehighlyintelligentandthe easilyboredallneedtraining,andtrainingiseffectiveonall. Understand,atthispointwearenottalkingaboutproducinggodlychildren,justhappyandobedient children.TheprinciplesfortrainingchildrentoinstantlyobeycanbeequallyappliedbyChristiansandnon Christians. TRAININGNOTTOTOUCH Thereismuchsatisfactionintrainingupachild.Itiseasyandchallenging.Whenmychildrenwereableto crawl(inthecaseofone,roll)aroundtheroom,Isetuptrainingsessions. Tryityourself.Placeanappealingobjectwheretheycanreachit,maybeina"Nono"corneroronanapple juicetable(That'swherethecoffeetableoncesat).Whentheyspyitandmakeadiveforit,inacalmvoice say,"No,don'ttouchit."Theywillalreadybefamiliarwiththe"No,"sotheywillpause,lookatyouin wonderandthenturnaroundandgrabit.Switchtheirhandonceandsimultaneouslysay,"No."Remember, youarenotdisciplining,youaretraining.Onespatwithalittleswitchisenough.Theywillagainpullback theirhandandconsidertherelationshipbetweentheobject,theirdesire,thecommandandthelittle reinforcingpain.Itmaytakeseveraltimes,butifyouareconsistent,theywilllearntoconsistentlyobey,even inyourabsence. PLANTYOURTREEINTHEMIDSTOFTHEGARDEN WhenGodwantedto"train"hisfirsttwochildrennottotouch,Hedidnotplacetheforbiddenobjectoutof theirreach.Instead,Heplacedthe"treeofknowledgeofgoodandevil"inthe"midstofthegarden(Gen. 3:3)."Beinginthemiddleofthegarden,theywouldpassitcontinually.God'spurposewasnottosavethe treerather,totrainthecouple.Notethenameofthetreewasnotjust"knowledgeofevil,"but,"knowledge ofgoodandevil."Byexercisingtheirwillsnottoeat,theywouldhavelearnedthemeaningof"good"aswell as"evil."Theeatingwasashortcuttotheknowledge,butnotanecessarypath.

PLANTYOURTREEINTHEMIDSTOFTHEGARDEN WhenGodwantedto"train"hisfirsttwochildrennottotouch,Hedidnotplacetheforbiddenobjectoutof theirreach.Instead,Heplacedthe"treeofknowledgeofgoodandevil"inthe"midstofthegarden(Gen. 3:3)."Beinginthemiddleofthegarden,theywouldpassitcontinually.God'spurposewasnottosavethe treerather,totrainthecouple.Notethenameofthetreewasnotjust"knowledgeofevil,"but,"knowledge ofgoodandevil."Byexercisingtheirwillsnottoeat,theywouldhavelearnedthemeaningof"good"aswell as"evil."Theeatingwasashortcuttotheknowledge,butnotanecessarypath. Thebeautyofthisisthatthereafter,everytimethechildrenpassthe'NoNo'object(their"treeof knowledgeofgoodandevil"),theyaregainingknowledgeofgoodandevilfromthestandpointofan overcomer.AswithAdamandEveinthegarden,theobjectandthetouchingofitis,initself,ofno consequencebuttheattachmentofacommandtoitmakesitamoral"factory"wherecharacteris produced.Byyourenforcement,yourchildrenarelearningaboutmoralgovernment,duty,responsibilityand, intheeventoffailure,accountability,rewardsandpunishment.Inthehereandnow,theyarealsolearning nottotouch,whichmakesachild'ssociallifealotmorepleasant. Itjusttakesafewminutestotrainachildnottotouchagivenobject.Mostchildrencanbebroughtinto completeandjoyoussubjectioninjustthreedays.Thereafter,ifyoucontinuetobefaithful,thechildrenwill remainhappyandobedient.Byobedient,Imeanyouwillneverneedtotellthemtwice.Ifyouexpectto receiveinstantobedience,andyoutrainthemtothatend,youwillbesuccessful.Itwilltakeextratimeto train,butoncethechildrenareingeneralsubjectionthetimesavedisextraordinary.Somepeoplesay, "Childproofyourhome."Isay,"Homeproofyourchild." TOUCHYSITUATIONS Haveyoueverbeenthevictimoftinyinquisitivehands?Theveryyoungchild,notyetwalking,iskeenon wantingtograbanyobjectofinterest.Thereisnofaultinthis,butsometimesitcanbeannoying.Whenyou areholdingababyandhekeepspullingoffyourglasses,youcannotexplaintohimtheimproprietyofsuch sociallycrudebehavior.Thelittletotisnotyetmovedbyfearofrejection.So,doyoutrytoholdhimina pinneddownfashionwherehecan'tgettoyourface?No,youtrainhimnottotouch.Onceyoutrainan infanttorespondtothecommandof'No,"thenyouwillhavecontrolineveryareawhereaprohibitionisin order. Getsetfortraining.Holdhimwherehecaneasilyreachyourglasses.Lookhimrightintheeye.Hereaches out.Don'tpullback.Don'tdefendyourself.'Calmlysay,No."Ifanything,loweryourvoice,don'traiseit. Don'tsoundmoreseriousthanusual.Rememberyouareestablishingapatternofcommandtobeusedthe restofhisyouth.Whenhetouchestheglasses,againsay,"No,"andaccompanyyourcommandwithminor pain.Hewillpullhishandbackandtrytocomprehendtheassociationofgrabbingtheglassesandpain.(I usuallyjustthumpedtheirlittlehandwithmyindexfinger.Ineverknewonetocry.Theydon'tevenknow thatyoudidit.Theythinkitwastheglasses,orperhapsthe"No"itselfcausespain.)Inevitably,hewillreturn tothebaittotesthisnewtheory.Sureenough,againtheglassescausedpainandthepainisalways accompaniedbyaquietlittle"No."Itmaytakeoneortwomoretriesforhimtogiveuphiscareerasglasses snatcher,buthewill. Throughthisprocessofassociationthechildwillinvoluntarilyrecallthepaineverytimehehearstheword "No."Therecomesatimewhenyourwordaloneissufficienttogainobedience. Youcanalsostophimfromassaultinghismotherwithabottleheldbythenipple.Thesameholdstruefor hairandbeardpulling.Younameit,theinfantcanbetrainedtoobey.Doyouwanttowrestlewithhim throughhisentireyouth,nagginghimtocompliance,threatening,placingthingsoutofreach,fearingwhathe mightgetintonext?Orwoulditbebettertotakealittletimetotrain?Ifnothingelse,trainingwillresultin savingyoutime. Iknowamotherwhomustcallababysittereverytimeshetakesashower.Youshouldbeabletotakea napandexpecttofindthehouseinorderwhenyouwake. OBEDIENCETRAININGBITINGBABIES Oneparticularlypainfulexperienceofnursingmothersisthebitingbaby.Mywifedidnotwastetimefinding acure.Whenthebabybit,shepulledhair(analternativehastobesoughtforbaldheadedbabies). Understand,thebabyisnotbeingpunished,justconditioned.Ababylearnsnottostickhisfingerinhiseyes orbitehistonguethroughthenegativeassociationsaccompanyingit.Itrequiresnounderstandingor reasoning.Somewhereinthebrainthatinformationisunconsciouslystored.Aftertwoorthreetimesof biting,withtheaccompanyingheadhurting,thechildprogramsthatinformationawayforhisowncomfort. Thebitinghabitiscuredbeforeitstarts.Thisisnotdiscipline.Itisobediencetraining. OBEDIENCETRAININGBOWLSANDBABIES Themotherclumsilyholdshercerealbowlatarmslengthasshewrestlesherinfantforsupremacy.Whenshe placesthebowloutofthebaby'sreach,heistaughtitisofflimitsonlyifitisoutofreach.Totrainhim,place thebowlwithineasyreach.Whenhereachesout,say"No"andthumphishand.Hewillpullhishandback, momentarilylookalarmedandagainreachout.Repeattheprocessofsaying"No"inacalmvoiceand thumpingthehand.Afterseveraltimes,youcaneatinpeace. When"No"andathumpoccursimultaneously,severaltimes,ondifferentoccasions,thevoicecommand alonesoonbecomessufficienttomoldbehavior.Again,keepinmind,thebabyisnotbeingpunished,just conditioned.Thethumpisnotasubstituterod.Itisreinforcementtotheobediencetraining. COMEWHENICALLYOU Onefathertellsofhistrainingsessionswitheachnewtoddler.Hesetsasideaneveningfor"booty"camp, whichisabootcampfortoddlers.Thechildoftentotwelvemonthsisleftalonetobecomedeeply interestedinatoyorsomedelightfulobject.Fromacrosstheroomorjustinsidetheotherroom,thefather callsthechild.Ifheignoresthecall,thefathergoestohimandexplainsthenecessityofimmediatelycoming whencalled,andthenleadshimtothefather'schair.Thechildthusledthroughthesepacesisbeing

conditioned.Thethumpisnotasubstituterod.Itisreinforcementtotheobediencetraining. COMEWHENICALLYOU Onefathertellsofhistrainingsessionswitheachnewtoddler.Hesetsasideaneveningfor"booty"camp, whichisabootcampfortoddlers.Thechildoftentotwelvemonthsisleftalonetobecomedeeply interestedinatoyorsomedelightfulobject.Fromacrosstheroomorjustinsidetheotherroom,thefather callsthechild.Ifheignoresthecall,thefathergoestohimandexplainsthenecessityofimmediatelycoming whencalled,andthenleadshimtothefather'schair.Thechildthusledthroughthesepacesisbeing programmed. Heisreturnedtothetoyandleftalonelongenoughtoagainbecomeengrossed.Anothercall,and,ifno response,thefathergivesapatientexplanationanddemonstrationofthedesiredresponse.Theparent, havingassuredhimselfofthechild'sunderstanding,onceagainsetsupthesituationandcallsthechild.This time,ifthereisnotanimmediateresponsethechildislightlyspankedandlectured.Thefathercontinuesthis throughouttheeveninguntilthechildreadilyandimmediatelyrespondstoasummons.Thereafter,untilthe childleaveshome,heisexpectedtodropeverythingandcomeuponthefirstcall.Aslongastheparents remainconsistent,thechildwillconsistentlyobey.This"obediencetraining"iscarriedoutintheutmost patienceandconcentration.Thespankingshouldnotbeviewedaspunishment,butasreinforcementto commands. NEVERTOOYOUNGTOTRAIN Theparentswhoputofftraininguntilthechildisoldenoughtodiscussissuesorreceiveexplanationsfind theirchildaterrorlongbeforeheunderstandsthemeaningoftheword.Anewbornsoonneedstraining.The childneedsholding,lovingandlotsofattention,butthemotheroftenhasotherduties. Asthemother,holdingherchild,leansoverthecribandbeginstheswingdownward,theinfantstiffens, takesadeepbreathandbellows.Thebattleforcontrolhasbeguninearnest.Someoneisgoingtobe conditioned.Eitherthetenderheartedmotherwillcaveintothisselfcentereddemand(thustrainingthe childtogethiswaybycrying)ortheinfantisallowedtocry(learningthatcryingiscounterproductive). Cryingbecauseofgenuinephysicalneedissimplytheinfant'sonlyvoicetotheoutsideworldbutcryingin ordertomanipulatetheadultsintoconstantservitudeshouldneverberewarded.Otherwise,youwill reinforcethechild'sgrowingselfcenteredness,whichwilleventuallybecomesociallyintolerable. STEPSTOOBEDIENCE Oneofourgirlswhodevelopedmobilityearlyhadafascinationwithcrawlingupthestairs.Atfourmonths shewastoounknowingtobepunishedfordisobedience.Butforherowngood,weattemptedtotrainher nottoclimbthestairsbycoordinatingthevoicecommandof"No"withlittlespatsonthebarelegs.The switchwasatwelveinchlong,oneeighthinchdiametersprigfromawillowtree. Suchwasherfascinationwithclimbingthatfourorfivesessionshadnotmadeherstop.Thethoughtof furtherspankingswasdisconcerting,soIconceivedanalternative.Afteronemorespanking,Ilaidtheswitch onthebottomstep.Welaterobservedhercrawltothestairsandstarttheascent,onlytohaltatthefirst stepandstareattheswitch.Shebackedoffandneveragainattemptedtoclimbthestairs,evenafterthe switchwasremoved. EXCESSIVEDISCIPLINE Disciplinaryactionscanbecomeexcessiveandoppressivewhenthetooloftrainingissetasideandone dependsondisciplinealonetodothetraining.Ihaveobservedproud,sternfathers,rulingtheirhousewitha firmhandandmakingsureeveryoneknowsit.Therodisswifttofall,andespeciallyinthepresenceof company.Thechildrentrembleinhispresence,fearingtoincurhisdispleasure.Ihaveoftenwonderedwhy, ifheissofirmandfaithfultogainobedience,hehasnotachieveditbeforeenteringthepublicarena.Iam impressed,butnotinthewayhehopes. Exceptwheretheverysmallestchildrenareconcerned,trainingathomealmostentirelyeliminatestheneed fordisciplineespeciallypublicdiscipline.Yet,shouldtheneedariseinpublic,doaflankingmaneuverand administeritthengohomeandtrainsothatitneveragainhappensinpublic. TRAININGTHEORNERYAMISHBOY AsIsattalkingwithalocalAmishfellow,atypicalchildtrainingsessiondeveloped.Thefatherwasholdinga twelvemontholdboywhosuddenlydevelopedacompulsiontoslipdownontothefloor.Duetothecold floor,thefatherdirectedthechildtostayinhislap.Thechildbegantostiffensoastomakeofhimselfa missilethatwouldslipthroughtothefloor.ThefatherspoketohimintheGermanlanguage(whichIdidnot understand)andfirmlyplacedhimbackinthesittingposition.Thechildbegantomakedissentingnoisesand continuedtheresistantslide.ThefatherthenspankedthechildandspokewhatIassumedtobereproving words.Seeinghismotheracrosstheroom,thechildbegantocryandreachforher.Thiswas understandableinanylanguage. Atthispoint,Ibecamehighlyinterestedintheproceedings.Mostfatherswouldhavebeengladtogiveup thechildtocontinuetheirownconversation.Itwasobviousthechildfelttherewouldbemorelibertywithhis mother.Ifhehadbeengivenovertoher,theexperiencewouldhavebeencounterproductivetraining.He wouldhavebeentaughtthatwhenhecannotgethiswaywithone,justgoaroundthechainofcommand. Thefaithfulmother,moreconcernedforherchild'strainingthanthegratificationofbeingclungto,ignored thechild. Thefatherthenturnedthechildawayfromhismother.Thedeterminedfellowimmediatelyunderstoodthat thebattlelineshadshiftedandexpressedhisindependencebythrowinghislegbackovertotheothersideto facehismother.Thefatherspankedthelegthatthechildturnedtothemotherandagainspoketohim. Clearly,thelinesweredrawn.Thebattlewasinarray.Someonewasgoingtosubmithiswillandlearnhis lesson.Eitherthefatherwouldconfirmthatthisoneyearoldcouldrulehisparentsortheparentswould confirmtheirauthority.Everyone'shappinesswasatstake,aswellasthesoulofthechild.Thefatherwas

Thefatherthenturnedthechildawayfromhismother.Thedeterminedfellowimmediatelyunderstoodthat thebattlelineshadshiftedandexpressedhisindependencebythrowinghislegbackovertotheothersideto facehismother.Thefatherspankedthelegthatthechildturnedtothemotherandagainspoketohim. Clearly,thelinesweredrawn.Thebattlewasinarray.Someonewasgoingtosubmithiswillandlearnhis lesson.Eitherthefatherwouldconfirmthatthisoneyearoldcouldrulehisparentsortheparentswould confirmtheirauthority.Everyone'shappinesswasatstake,aswellasthesoulofthechild.Thefatherwas wiseenoughtoknowthiswasatestofauthority.Thisepisodehadcrossedoverfrom"obediencetraining"to disciplineforattitude. Forthenextwearyfortyfiveminutes,fifteentimesthechildwouldmakehislegsmove,andthedaddy wouldturnhimaroundandspankhislegs.ThefatherwasascalmasalazyporchswingonaSunday afternoon.Therewasnohastinessoranger.Hedidnottakethedisobediencepersonally.Hehadtrained manyahorseormuleandknewthevalueofpatientperseverance.Intheend,thetwelvemonthold submittedhiswilltohisfather,satashewasplaced,andbecamecontentevencheerful. Somewillsay,"ButIcouldn'ttakeitemotionally."Sometimesitisdifficultandtryingtosetasideyourplans forthesakeofchildtraining.Itdoesinvolveemotionalsacrifice.Yet,whatislove,butgiving?Whenwe knowitwillworktothetemporalandeternalgoodofthechild,itisajoyinsteadofasacrifice. Whereourmotivesarenotpure,wherewesuspectangermaybepartofourmotivation,ourpricked consciencecausesareluctancetoact.Wefearthatourdisciplineisanactoftheegotodominate.Wemust dealwithourownimpuritiesforthesakeofthechildforifthechilddoesn'treceivethiskindoftraining,he willgreatlysuffer. BEASSUREDOFTWOTHINGS: 1.Everysmallchildwillhaveoneortwotimesinhisyounglifewhenhewilldecidetotakeholdofthereins. Thestubbornnessisprofoundamazingawonderthatonesoyoungcouldbesodedicatedand perseveringinrebellion.Itisthekindofdeterminationyouwouldexpecttofindinahardenedrevolutionary facingenemyindoctrinationclasses.Parentswhoaretrainedtoexpectitandarepreparedtoperseverestill standinaweatthestrengthofthesmallchild'swill. 2.Ifyouareconsistent,thistestofauthoritywillcomeonlyone,two,or,atthemost,threetimesineach child'slife.Ifyouendure,conqueringthechild'swill,theninthelongrunthechildwins.Ifyouweakenandlet itpasstothevictoryofthechild'swill,thenbywinningitisacharacterlossforthechild.Youmustpersevere forthebothofyou.Thehouseholdcatwho,regardlessofprotest,doorbarringandfootswinging,is occasionallyallowedtostayinthehousewilltaketheoccasionalsuccessasimpetustoalwaystrytogetin. Ifheisconsistentlykeptout(100%ofthetime),hewillnotcomein,evenwhenthedoorisleftopen.The cat,allowedtooccasionallygetitsway,istrained,despiteyourprotests,tocomeintothehouse.Ifyoukick ithardenoughandoftenenough,itwillbecomesufficientlywarytoobeywhileyouremainonguardbutwill stillboltthroughthedoorwhenitseestheopportunity.Ontheotherhand,dogs,thirtyfivetimessmarter thancats,canbetrainedeithertocomeinorstayoutuponcommand.Thekeyagainisconsistency.Ifthe doglearnsthroughconditioning(consistentbehavioronthepartofthetrainer)thathewillneverbeallowed toviolatehismaster'scommand,hewillalwaysobey.Ifparentscarefullyandconsistentlytrainupachild,his orherperformancewillbeasconsistentlysatisfyingasthatrenderedbyawelltrainedseeingeyedog. NEGATIVETRAINING Howmanytimeshaveweobservedthegrocerystorearena?Adeviouslittlekidsitsupinthecommandseat oftheshoppingcartexercisinghis"childhoodrights"tounlimitedselfindulgence.Theparentfearfullybut hopelesslysteersaroundthetempting"treesofknowledgeofgoodandevil."Toolate!Thechildspiesthe objectofhisunbridledlust.Thebattleison.Thechildwilleithergetwhathewantsormaketheparent miserable.Eitherway,heconquers. Onefatherproudlytoldofhowhefearlesslyovercamebypromisingthechildicecreamifhewouldonly waituntiltheyleftthestore.Suchcompromiseswillsimplyconfirmthechild'sterroristtactics.Youarenot gainingcontrolofthechild,heisgainingcontrolofyou.Allchildrenaretrained,somecarelesslyor negligently,andsome,withvarieddegreesofforethought.Allparentalresponsesareconditioningthechild's behavior,andarethereforetraining. PURCHASEDCOMPLIANCE Parentswhopurchasecompliancethroughpromiseofrewardaremakingtheirchildaracketeerwhoispaid forprotection.ThechildbecomestheMafiaorunionboss,andyou,the"overthebarrel"businessman.If youarejustbargainingwithaterroristforonemoreday'sreprievefromanguish,youmaythenstrikea favorabledeal,butifyouaretrainingupachild,youneedtoreconsideryourmethods.Thiscompromise methodisthemakingofabitter,undisciplined,fleshlychildandeventually,adult. DIDYOUHEARWHATISAID? Iobservedafathertellhissmallboynottotouchaparticularobject.Havingbeentrainedtoignoremild commands,thechildpickeditup.Thefatherdemanded,"Giveittome."Thechildpretendednottohear. "Didyouhearme?[Ofcoursehedid]HandittoDaddy.[Withmorefirmness]Johnnnieee,giveittoDaddy, NOW!![Anotherdecibelhigherhastyangry]JOHNNY!!AmIgoingtohavetoSPANKYOU?"By thistimethefatherbecameawareofhisembarrassingtone.Hecalmedhisvoice,andinanattempttobringit toaconclusionheleanedwayoutandextendedhishand,makingiteasierforJohnnytocomply.Becauseof theangryvoiceandburningeyes,Johnnyassumedthetemporarypostureof,"Ohwell,therewillbeanother day."But,insteadofmeetingthehumbled,gropingfather,heheldtheobjectinhisgeneraldirectionbut downclosetohisbody,forcingthefathertoadvanceevenfarthertoretrieveit.Thefather,lookinglikea poorpeasantreceivinghisnecessaryfoodfromsomecondescendingroyalty,submittedtothechild's humiliationandreachedtoretrievetheobject.Andthen,inadisplayofweakness,thefatherplaceditoutof thechild'sreach.

theangryvoiceandburningeyes,Johnnyassumedthetemporarypostureof,"Ohwell,therewillbeanother day."But,insteadofmeetingthehumbled,gropingfather,heheldtheobjectinhisgeneraldirectionbut downclosetohisbody,forcingthefathertoadvanceevenfarthertoretrieveit.Thefather,lookinglikea poorpeasantreceivinghisnecessaryfoodfromsomecondescendingroyalty,submittedtothechild's humiliationandreachedtoretrievetheobject.Andthen,inadisplayofweakness,thefatherplaceditoutof thechild'sreach. WhathasJohnnylearnedfromthisepisode?Hehashadhisconvictionreinforcedthatitisnevernecessary toobeyacommandthefirst,second,third,orfourthtime.Nooneexpectshimto.Hehaslearneditis permissibletograbanythingwithinreachandtocontinuepossessingituntiltheheatgetstoogreat.Hehas learnednottorespectauthority,juststrength(thedaywillcomewhenheisthestrongerone).Bythefather's example,hehaslearnedhowtouseanger.Bythefather'sadvancetotaketheobjectfromhishand,hehas learnedhowto"getinthelastshot"andmaintainhisdefiance.Thatfatherwaseffectivelytraininghissmall childtobearebel. Whathasthefatherlearned?ThatlittleJohnnyisjusta"strongwilled"childthatchildrengothrough unpleasantstagesthatitissometimesaverymiserable,embarrassingthingtobeaparentthatonehasto watchakideveryminuteandputthingsoutofhisreachthattheonlythingskidsunderstandareforceand anger?Allofwhicharefalse.Thefatherisreapingtheharvestofhis"mistraining." Afterwetakealookatthenatureofachild,muchoftherestofthisbookwilldescribemanypositive trainingtechniques. CHAPTER2 ChildishNature (Understandingachild'snaturaldevelopment) "BEHOLD,THESECONDWOE"! Justlastnightwhilesittinginameeting,Ilookedovertoseeayoungmotherstrugglingwithhersmallchild. Heseemeddeterminedtomakeherlifeasmiserableaspossibleanddestroyherreputationintheprocess. Shehadthe"Whyme?"lookonhertiredface.Hekeptdefiantlythrowinghisbottleonthefloor(assistedby herpickingitupandhandingitbacktohim)andmakingangrynoisesthatforcedthepreachertoscream louderandlouder.Withthreatsofincreasinglyembarrassingdisplays,heforcedhertoputhimdownonthe floorwhereheproceededtoauditionforcircusclownwhileinsistingonprocuringaneighbor'sproperty. Whenshetriedtopreventhisthieveryandrescuethestolengoods,hekickedhisfeetlikeaneggbeaterand screamedhisprotest. ItwasenoughtomakeyoubelievetheDevilstartedoutasaninfant.Iamjustthankfulthatoneyearolds don'tweightwohundredpounds,oralotmoremotherswouldbevictimsofhomicide.Itcausesoneto understandwheretheconceptofa"sinfulnature"originated. Themotherknowsthechildshouldn'tbeactinglikethisbutduetothechild'slimitedintellectual development,shefeelshelpless.Olderchildrenandadultshavetheiractionsconstrainedbymanymentaland socialfactors.Thischildisnotaffectedbypeerpressure,threatofembarrassmentorrejection.Hislifeis oneofunlimited,unrestrainedselfindulgence. Theparentsarewaitingforthechild'sunderstandingtodevelopsotheycancorrect"bad"behavior.They helplesslywatchwhileselfishnessandmeannessofspiritgrowbehindawallofundevelopedunderstanding. Whatisthedrivingforceinthischild,andhowcanitbeconquered?Weneedtounderstandsomethings aboutthenatureofachildinordertoinstituteappropriatetraining. GODGIVENSELFCENTEREDNESS Forthepurposeofmoraldevelopment,Godcreatedustoexistinaconstantconditionofneedand dependence.Theneedsaremostapparentinthesmallchild.Heneedsfood,warmth,companionship, entertainment,andadrydiaper.Godhasendowedhimwithstrong,involuntarycompulsionstotaste,smell, hear,witheyestosee,andadesiretotouchandfeel. Thedesiresandpassionsintheinfantarenotyetcomplete.Ashematures,hewillfindhimselfpossessedof everincreasingnaturaldesiresforthings"pleasanttotheeyes,"things"goodforfood"andforthosethings thatwill"makeonewise."Hisgrowinghumanitywillgivewaytoadesiretobuild,toknow,tobe appreciated,recognized,tosucceed,bealover,andtosurviveinasecurestate. Asinfantsgrow,theylearntomanipulatetheirsurroundingstotheirowngratification.Asmile,agrunt, kickingthefeet,rollingandshakingthehead,crying,screaming"PickmeupFeedmeJustlookatme Doesn'tanyonerealizeIhaveurgentneeds?Whatcouldbemoreimportantthan'me'?" Theinfant'sworldisnobiggerthanhisneeds.Itistheonlyrealityheknows.Hesoonlearnsthathis"wants" canbejustasreadilysatisfied.Theinfantcannotthinkintermsofduty,responsibilityormoralchoice.He hasnoprideorhumilityonlydesire.Hecomes,hesees,hetakes.Heiscreatedthatway.Bynature,heis incapableofconsideringtheneedsofothers.Thebabydoesn'tknowyouaretiredandalsoinneedof comfort. Theselfcenterednessofinfantsandsmallchildrenhasalltheappearancesofavice.Buttheyareactingon natural,Godgivenimpulsestothemeetingofnaturalneeds.They"goastrayassoonastheybeborn, speakinglies(Psalm58:3)."Yet,Goddoesnotimputethelietothemassin.Godreckonsasiftheyhadno

hasnoprideorhumilityonlydesire.Hecomes,hesees,hetakes.Heiscreatedthatway.Bynature,heis incapableofconsideringtheneedsofothers.Thebabydoesn'tknowyouaretiredandalsoinneedof comfort. Theselfcenterednessofinfantsandsmallchildrenhasalltheappearancesofavice.Buttheyareactingon natural,Godgivenimpulsestothemeetingofnaturalneeds.They"goastrayassoonastheybeborn, speakinglies(Psalm58:3)."Yet,Goddoesnotimputethelietothemassin.Godreckonsasiftheyhadno moralcharacter,andthereforenoresponsibility.Theydonotpossesstheintellectualandmoralmaturityto say"No"toappetites.Theycannotyetbedeemedblameworthy.Theybeginlifeininnocentself centeredness. TOBLAMEORNOTTOBLAME Asthechildgetsolder,sayeighttotwelvemonths,theadultsbegintopaylessattentiontohisdemands, andaweaningprocessbegins.Thechildismadetowait,told"No,"andgivenboundaries.Hemustlearn thathecannotalwaysbefirst.Ifbynowtraininghasnotalreadysubduedthemanifestationsofhis "selfishness,"thechildmaycometobewhatwecalled"spoiled." Guilty,frustratedparentsaremanipulatedbythechild'swhiningandcrying.Thesparingbegins.Thekidgets jerkedaround.Resentmentbuilds.Theadultsbegintoblamehim. Thechildfeelsthetension,butdoesnotlessenthedemands.Heconnives,calculatesandresortstoangry tantrums.Ihaveseenatwoyearoldtakeaweaponandangrilystrikehismother.Theyoungchildisnot maturedtoapointwherehecanunderstandresponsibility,weighvaluesandmakeconsciousdecisions basedonmoralorsocialworthbuthesurecanmimicthecriminalmind. TOWARDUNDERSTANDING Whatishappening?Ashorttimeago,theadultsaroundthischildwouldhavegivenhimanythinghewanted, includingtheirownlifesustainingfoodbutnowtheyarebeginningtoexpectalittlegivingonhispart.He doesn'twanttogive.Takinghasbeenhiswayoflifefromconception.Thearrangementsuitshimjustfine. Weadults,sensingthecapabilitiesofchildren,expectthemtogiveandtakeatalevelappropriatetotheir maturity.Whentheyfallbehindourexpectations,webecomeirritated.TheyNEVERmakeasmooth transitionfromtheutterlyselfcentered"giveme,giveme"mentalitytoassumingresponsibilityforsomeof theirownneeds. Wearedelightedwhenthethreemontholdgrabsfoodfromourhandandstuffsitinhismouthbutleta threeyearoldtryitanditisnotsocute.Wearedelightedwhenathreeyearoldinterruptsourconversation withataleofhisown,butanineyearoldisexpectedtosay"Excuseme"andwaitforanappropriatetime toparticipateintheconversation. Whenwebelieveachildhasmaturedtothepointofbeingcapableofresponsibleaction,weautomatically expectitofhim.Ifheisslowtoassumehisduty,webecomeirritatedwithhimfornot"actinghisage." Thebeastsoftheearth,incontrasttoman,neverneedmakeadecisiontodenynaturaldrive.Theyare withintheirintendedboundslivingtoselfgratification.Butthegrowingchild,aswellastheadult,who doesn'triseaboveselfindulgingdesiresisfallenfromGod'sintentionanddesign.Therootofallsinisfound intherunawayindulgenceofGodgivendesires.Though,duetolackofmoraldevelopment,thechildisnot heldaccountable,theunrestrainedindulgencesofhisdesireswillbetheveryrootthatwillonedayresultin hissinfulness. ASPIRITUALFETUS LifeisdesignedbyGodtobeaspiritualwomb,aplacewheretheworkofcreationcontinues.Yes,the physicalcreationiscompleteandHeisrestedfromitbutthemoralcreationgoeson.Menarenotborn wise,righteous,experienced,ordevelopedinconsciousness. AdamandEvewereneverincompletephysicallyormorally.Therestofusmustgrowthroughdifferent stagestoreachviability.Afourmonthfetus,stillinthemother'swomb,isalivingsoul.Thoughallthetiny membersappearviable,thebabyisanincompletecreationneedingfurthergrowthbeforebecomingdistinct fromitsmother.Inlikemanner,athreeyearoldchildhasallthetinyfeaturesofamorallyresponsibleadult aknowledgeofrightandwrong,asenseofjustice,accountability,conscience,duty,guilt,shame,etc.Yet, noneofthemoralfacultiesaredevelopedtothepointofbeingfullyoperative.Thechildisnotamorally viablesoul.Heisanuncompletedmoralbeing.Heisnotaccountable.Morally,thethreeyearoldisstillin thewomb.Asthechildgrows,heslowlymakesatransitionfromnomoralunderstandingtocomplete accountability.TherearevastdifferencesofopinionastowhenGoddeemsthemaccountablefortheirown actionsandthoughts.Withoutanybasis,twelveyearsoldhasbeenthetraditionalage.Biblically,itwillbe sometimebeforetwentyyearsofage(Deut.1:39withNum.14:2931). OnethingIdoknowisthatitisnotan"ageofaccountability,"buta"stateofaccountability"(James4:17 Lev.5:3).Maybeasearlyasfiveforsomechildren.Maybeaslateasfourteenforothers.Idon'tknow. THEDILEMMA Thedilemmaparentsfaceis:Howdowerelatetothechildduringthistransitionperiodfromnomoral understandingtocompleteaccountability?Whenthechildis30%morallycognizantand70%morallynaive, howdowerelatetohim?Howdoweknowtowhatdegreeheisresponsible?Weknowasfarasjudgment isconcerned,Godwillnotdeemhimblameworthyuntilallmoralfacultiesarecompletelyoperativeuntilhe becomesamorallyviablebeing.Butiftheparentwaitsuntilthechildcanunderstandtheneedtoexercise selfcontrol,bythenhehasdevelopedbothahistoryandahabitofindulginghisfleshtothefull.The problemtheparentmustaddressisthatthenaturaldrivesfunctionagreatwhilebeforethereason.The child'sfirstlearningexperiencesoccurinaparentsupported,selfindulgentenvironment.Itcouldnotbe otherwise.

howdowerelatetohim?Howdoweknowtowhatdegreeheisresponsible?Weknowasfarasjudgment isconcerned,Godwillnotdeemhimblameworthyuntilallmoralfacultiesarecompletelyoperativeuntilhe becomesamorallyviablebeing.Butiftheparentwaitsuntilthechildcanunderstandtheneedtoexercise selfcontrol,bythenhehasdevelopedbothahistoryandahabitofindulginghisfleshtothefull.The problemtheparentmustaddressisthatthenaturaldrivesfunctionagreatwhilebeforethereason.The child'sfirstlearningexperiencesoccurinaparentsupported,selfindulgentenvironment.Itcouldnotbe otherwise. Theparentdoesnotwanttodestroythechild'snaturaldrives,butwewouldliketoinstillmoderation.Yet,at anearlyagethechildisincapableofchoosingmoderation. PARENTALRESPONSIBILITY Hereiswherewecometothecruxofthiswholechapterandthebackgroundforthiswholebook.Itis importanttounderstand:PARENTSMUSTASSUMETHATPARTOFTHECHILD'SMORALDUTY WHICHISNOTYETFULLYDEVELOPED.Theparents'roleisnotthatofapoliceman,butmorelike thatoftheHolySpirit.Whenthechildhashissailsfullofwind(strongdrives),butnocompass(moral discernment),theparentsmustbethenavigator.Whentheyareasyetincapableofconviction,ourtraining andexamplewillbetheir"standards."BeforetheycanDECIDEtodogoodwemustCONDITIONthemto dogood.Therewasatimewhenthemotherbreathedforthechild,ateforthechildandhandledhiswaste. Likewise,inthemoralrealm,untilthechild'sreasonandmoralfacultiesdeveloptothepointofindependent operation,theparentmustbethevoiceofhisyetunbornconscience,hisinitiativeandhissetofvalues. Eachdayhegetsclosertohisbirthintomoralindividuality.Somedayhisspiritualheartwillfunctionwithout you.Hewillleavetheprotectionofyoursanctificationandstandaloneinthelightofhisownconscience(1 Cor.7:14).Untilmaturity,theonlymoderationthechildwillknowiswhattheparentsinstill. Theparentmustunderstandhisroleinthemoralweaningofthechild.Oneday,heorsheisgoingtobeable tochoose.Noamountoftrainingisgoingtooverridethecertaintyofsindevelopingbutthetrainingwegive canmakeiteasierforrepentancetofollowsinfulindulgence. Intheinfantandyoungchild,wedonotdealwiththeir"selfishness"assin,butweareawareofwhereitis headed.Drives,whicharenotinthemselvesevil,nonethelessformtheoccasiontoallsin.Ourtrainingmust takeintoconsiderationtheevilthataselfwilledspiritwilleventuallybring. Weparentscannotimpartrighteousnesstoourchildren,butwecandevelopinthemafirmcommitmentto righteousness.Wecannotwritethelawontheirhearts,butwecanwritethelawandgospelontheir consciences. Anticipatingthisdevelopmentanditsconsequencesplacesanurgentsenseofresponsibilityuponus.The worldisanundertowpullingourchildrentodestruction.Lookingatstatisticsalone,theprobabilityisagainst theirmoralsurvival.Thetrainingwegiveandthewisdomweimpartcanmakeallthedifferenceinthe outcome.Youholdaneternalsoulinyourhand.Youcannotaffordtogiveintoindifference,laziness,or carelessneglect.Itistheparents'responsibilitytodeterminewhatlevelofunderstandingachildhasandto holdhimaccountableatthatlevel. Thisisanalmostimpossibletaskifyoudependonyourintellectalone.Ifyouaretheprincipalcaretakerof yourchild,yourheartwillbeabletodiscerntheworldfromhisperspective.Whenthechildbelievesitis wrong,itiswrong(James4:17).Wherethereismoralunderstandingandhedisobeys,heshouldbe punishedwiththerod.Wherethereislackofunderstandingofthemoralqualityofhisactions,heshouldbe trainedandconditioned.Sometimestherodisusedintraining.Morewillbesaidaboutthislater. WHENDRIVESISSUEINSIN Whendoesthisinnocent,naturalselfishnessofachildbecomesin?Inotherwords,whenisachildtoblame? Keepinmindthatayouthwillnotcomeundercondemnationuntilhismoralfacultiesarefullyoperative. Asthechild'sreasonandmoralfacultiesdevelop,graduallythereevolvesanunderstandingofmoral responsibilityandduty.Atsomepoint(asmoralperceptiongrowstoapointwhereonecanbeheldfully accountable),everyyouthfaceshisown"treeofknowledgeofgoodandevil."(SeeDeut.1:39.)Sofar, everyone(exceptJesus)has"eaten"(personallyviolatedhisownGodgivenunderstandingofrightand wrong)resultinginpersonalcondemnation. ThoughGodwillnotcondemnachilduntilheiscompletelymaturedmorally(growsintoastateof accountability),thatdoesnotmeanthatthedevelopingchildisincapableofmoraljudgmentsandresponses. Whenachildsinsagainsthisconscience,heisguilty.Thedegreetowhichhisunderstandingisdevelopedis thedegreetowhichhisactionscanbecalledsin.Again,thesinisnotimputeduntilthechildbecomesafully functioningmoralbeing.Anunfinishedclock,stillinthemaking,mayhavemovingparts,butitwillnotkeep timeuntileverylastpieceisproperlyinstalled. WALKINGAFTERTHEFLESH ThecauseofthisconsistentfailuretoobeythelawofGodisthefleshbodyinneedofgratification.[After indulginginsin,itiscalled"sinfulflesh(Rom.8.'3),"thatis,flesh"full"ofsin.]Asthebodyoffleshwasthe occasionofEve'ssinandtheoccasionofChrist'stemptation,soitistheoccasionofyourchild's developmentintoselfishnesswhich,atmaturity,willconstitutesin. Whenthechild'sconscienceispartiallyoperative,hemustbetrainedtopracticeselfrestraint.For,ifachild isallowedtoviolatehisbuddingconscience,andcontinuestodosoasitgrowstofullmaturity,hewillfind himselfalreadyfullygivenovertohisfleshonthefirstdayofhisawakeningintoaccountability. Thatpartofthechildthatisawakenedtomoraldutyshouldbebroughtintocompletesubjectiontoparents, andthechildshouldbeledtoworshipGod(1Sam.1:283:1with3:7).Ifyouallowthefleshtorunits naturalcourse,thechildwillbepossessedofmanyunrulypassionsandlustslongbeforeheiscognizant

Whenthechild'sconscienceispartiallyoperative,hemustbetrainedtopracticeselfrestraint.For,ifachild isallowedtoviolatehisbuddingconscience,andcontinuestodosoasitgrowstofullmaturity,hewillfind himselfalreadyfullygivenovertohisfleshonthefirstdayofhisawakeningintoaccountability. Thatpartofthechildthatisawakenedtomoraldutyshouldbebroughtintocompletesubjectiontoparents, andthechildshouldbeledtoworshipGod(1Sam.1:283:1with3:7).Ifyouallowthefleshtorunits naturalcourse,thechildwillbepossessedofmanyunrulypassionsandlustslongbeforeheiscognizant enoughtoassumeresponsibility. INMYHANDS Theclayformedintoavesselofdishonorwasmarredwhileinthepotter'shand,onlytoberemadeintoa vesselofhonorfitforthemaster'stable.IfGodisthepotterandyourchildistheclay,foralittlewhileyou arethewheelonwhichtheclayisturned.AsAdamandEveweregivenagardentodressandkeep,you havebeengivenloanofalittleheartandmindtodressandkeep. Therewillcomeatimewhenyourchildrenmuststandalonebefore"thetreeofknowledgeofgoodandevil." AsthepurposeofGodhaspermitted,inevitablytheywillpartakeoftheforbiddenfruit.Now,inthe developingyears,youcanmakeadifferenceinhowtheywillrespondaftertheyhave"eaten." Alltheeventsofdailylife,coupledwithinnerdiscernment,arelayingafoundationofknowledgefromwhich yourchildwillmakejudgmentsaboutrightandwrong.Somewhereonthatroad,eachchildwillrounda bendand,withthedawning,perceivehisorherresponsibility,dutyandaccountabilitytoGod.Theywillthen be"withoutexcuse." ADIVINECALLING Withthisunderstanding,wecanbetterappreciatewhatistakingplaceinourdevelopingchild.Justasthe childJesusgrewinwisdomandknowledge,soyourchildisgoingthroughagrowthofunderstanding.The holyScripturesareabletomakehim"wiseuntosalvation(2Tim.3:15)."Youmustprepareyourchildto savehimselffromthis"untowardgeneration(Acts2:40)."Godhasaprototypeforthefinishedproduct.Itis thatwemightbe"conformedtotheimageofhisSon(Rom.8:29)."WeparentsworkwithGodtowardthe daywhenourchildrenwillbeconformedto"themeasureofthestatueofthefulnessofChrist(Eph.4:13)." ThepromiseofGodisstilloperative:"Trainupachildinthewayheshouldgo,andwhenheisold,hewill notdepartfromit."(Prov.22:6) CHAPTER3 ParentalAnger NOMORECHANCES AsIwasworkingonthisbook,ayoungmothersaidtome:"IgetsoangrysometimesItreatthechildrenso badly.Theyjustupsetme.JohnnyisalwayspickingonMaryandmakingherwhine.Ihavetojuststayon topofthemallthetimetopreventthemfromdoingsomethingtheyshouldn't.WhatcanIdotoovercomemy anger?" Previously,theparentsrewardeddisobediencebysaying,"NowJohnny,Ihavetoldyounottodothat.Iam goingtogiveyouonemorechanceandthenIwillhavetospankyou."Ashecontinuedtodisobey,her frustrationmounted. Theparentshadeffectivelytaughttheirchildthathecoulddisobeyuntiltheparent'sfrustrationreacheda certainlevel.Whenheperceivedthattheyhadhadalltheyweregoingtotake,heknewitwastimetoback offforawhile.Hecouldreturntohisdisobedienceassoonastheycooledoff.Sometimes,miscalculating,he pushedhertoofar,andshewould"gooff"beforehecouldcomply. Themother'sangercouldbeovercomeifshewouldremovethecauseofheranger.No,notthechildren,but theirdisobedience.Eventually,shealwaysgotthemtoobey.Itwasthelongdraggedout,tenseand competitivepreludetotheireventualobediencethatwasstirringherire.Thechildrenwereactually respondingquitepredictably.Shehadtrainedthemnottoobeyuntilshegotangry. IgaveheracopyofsomechildtrainingmaterialthatIhadwritten.Readingit,shedecidedtomakesome changes.Shemadeitplaintohersonthathewasnottoteasehissmallersister.ShetoldJohnnythatifhe disobeyedhewouldbespankedforthefirstoffense.ThefirstspankingwasashocktoJohnny.Motherwas notwaitinguntilshegotmad.Nowarnings,nothreatssheseemedtoexpecthimtoobeytheveryfirsttime! Aftertwodaysofconsistentlyrewardingeverytransgressionwithaspanking,Johnnyturnedtohismother andsaid,"ButMother,youarenotgivingmeanymorechances!"Themothersaid,"That'sright,youdon't getanymorechances.Fromnowonyouaretoalwaysobeythefirsttime."Hehadbeenusinghis"chances" topurchasedisobedience.Aftertwoyearshenowobeysthefirsttime,andMothernolongergetsangry. LICENSETODISOBEY WhentheStateFishandGameCommissionissuespermitsallowingyoutocatchfivetrout,butnomore, theyarenotpreventingtroutfishing,theyareadvocatingit.Theseparentshadissuedtheirchildrenalicense tobedisobedientfivetimes,butpunishedthemforthesixthoffense.Soeverydaythechildrenwentfishing fortrouble,butalwayswithaneyeonthe"warden."Theywouldtrytoanticipatewhentostopshortofthe real"lastchance." WhenMomreducedthedisobediencelimittozeroandoutlaweddisobedience,littleJohnnyhadtotestthe lawgivertoseeifitwasjustanotherpermit.Whenthe"Warden"(Mama)provedtobeserious,hedecided

WhentheStateFishandGameCommissionissuespermitsallowingyoutocatchfivetrout,butnomore, theyarenotpreventingtroutfishing,theyareadvocatingit.Theseparentshadissuedtheirchildrenalicense tobedisobedientfivetimes,butpunishedthemforthesixthoffense.Soeverydaythechildrenwentfishing fortrouble,butalwayswithaneyeonthe"warden."Theywouldtrytoanticipatewhentostopshortofthe real"lastchance." WhenMomreducedthedisobediencelimittozeroandoutlaweddisobedience,littleJohnnyhadtotestthe lawgivertoseeifitwasjustanotherpermit.Whenthe"Warden"(Mama)provedtobeserious,hedecided thathedidn'tlove"fishingfortrouble"enoughtopaythefineforwhathecaught.LittleJohnnystarted obeyingalllawsthefirsttime. IfStateTroopersceasedwritingticketsandinsteadstartednaggingandthreatening,itwouldbetantamount toabolishingthespeedlimit.Pictureatrooperpullingaspeederoverandthenexplaininghowsaditmakes himfeelforthemtobegoingsofast.Canyouseeatroopersittingonthesideoftheroadshakinghisfistand turningredinthefaceascarsspeedby?Afterthesixthtimeofmotoristsbeingtold,"NowIamnotgoingto tellyouagain,"alllawwouldbreakdowninto"andeverymandidthatwhichwasrightinhisowneyes." Parent,youcannotblameyourchildrenifyouhavecausedthemtounderstandthatdisobedienceisonly unacceptableafterseveralwarningsandthenathreattoppedoffbyanultimatum,andfinallyagestureof force. ANGER Parent,youhavetrainedyourselfnottodisciplineimmediately,buttowaituntilyourirritationbuildsinto anger.Youhaveallowedyourmotivationtobeanger."ButhowcanIstopbeingsoangry?"Simple. Disciplinethemimmediatelyupontheslightestdisobedience.Don'twaituntilitbecomesapersonalaffrontto you. Thechildrenperceiveinyourangerandfrustrationthatthedisciplineisapersonalmatter,acompetitionof interest.Youareviewedbythechildmuchastheyviewabiggerchildwhoisbullyingtheminordertoget hisownway.Theyarenotbeingmadetorespectthelawandlawgivertheyaresimplybeingmadetogive intoasuperiorforce.Theyfeelasifyouarecommittingapersonaltransgressionagainstthemviolatingtheir rights.Theyseeyouasjustprotectingyourownrightsandtramplingontheirs.Youhavelostthedignityof youroffice.Astheysay,"YouarenotPresidentialenough."Wherethereisnounwaveringruleoflawwith consistentenforcement,inthechild'smindthereisnolawatall,justcompetitionforsupremacy. Youhavetaughtyourselftobemotivatedonlybyanger.Andyouhavetaughtyourchildtorespondonlyto anger.Havingfailedtoproperlytrainyourchild,youhaveallowedtheseedsofselfindulgencetogrowto uglyproportions. IMADEACHILDTHATIDON'TLIKE Thereasonyouareangrytowardyourchildrenisthatyoudon'tlikethem."Oh!Ilovemychildrenvery much."Ididn'tsayyoudidn'tlovethem.Isaythereareoccasionswhenyoujustdon'tlikethem,forthe simplereasonthatatsuchtimestheyareveryunlikable.Itisimpossibletolikeawhining,selfish,self centered,spoiledbrat. Wecannothelpapprovingofthatwhichisgoodandlovely,anddespisingthatwhichisuglyand unwholesome.Godhimselfhassuchfeelings(Ps.11:5).Weareinvoluntarilyveryfairaboutit.Whenwe thinkweareuglyinspiritweequallydislikeourselves. Youmustfacethefactthattherearetimeswhenyoujustdonotlikeyourownchild.Ihaveobservedthe sometimesintensedislikeofamotherforherteenagedaughterorson.Youmaysay,"Butnooneelse dislikestheyouth."Iftheyhadtolivewithhimonthesametermsastheparent,theywould. Now,whyisyourchildunlikable?Youwillnotliketheanswer:Youmadehimthatwaythroughyour trainingtechniques.Youmaysay,"But,Ihavenotinstitutedanytrainingtechniques.Ijustscoldthemwhenit getstobetoomuchtobear."Precisely. Allchildrenaretrained.Theirresponsesandactionsareareflectionoftheirassociationtotheirprincipal caretakers.Toneglectcarefulnurturingandtrainingwhiletryingtokeeptheminlinethroughthreat, intimidation,nagging,anger,andanoccasionaloutburstofspankingisthemostnegativeoftrainingexercises. Mostautomobiledriversareawarethattheradarpatrolmanwillusuallyallowmotoriststogofourmiles perhouroverthespeedlimitwithoutissuingaticket.Consequently,mostmotoristswilldrivefourorfive milesperhouroverthespeedlimit.Whenyouallowyourchildrentobedisobedientfourorfivetimes beforeapplyingdiscipline,youaretrainingthemtodisobey. Thereisnothingcuteorlovableaboutawhining"brat."Toallowachildtowhineanddisobeyistomolda personalityandcharacterthatyouwilleventuallyfindhardtolike.Bytakingcontrolandteachingthemto controltheiremotionsandtoinstantlyobey,thechildwillbecheerfulandpleasant.Thenthemotherwilllike herdaughteraswellasloveher.Thechildreciprocatesthemother'sdelightbylovingandhonoringhereven more.Theycanbothenjoyeachother'scompany.Themotherisrestedandrefreshedbyspendingtimewith herchildren. THEFOURTEENYEAROLD Talkingwithamotherconcernedabouttheattitudeofherfourteenyearold,itbecameapparentshejustdid notlikeherownchild.Themother'sdisapprovalandfrequentcriticismhadcausedthedaughtertobecome morose. Actually,shewasaverygoodandobedientdaughter.Shewascheerfulwithothers,butsullenwithher

THEFOURTEENYEAROLD Talkingwithamotherconcernedabouttheattitudeofherfourteenyearold,itbecameapparentshejustdid notlikeherownchild.Themother'sdisapprovalandfrequentcriticismhadcausedthedaughtertobecome morose. Actually,shewasaverygoodandobedientdaughter.Shewascheerfulwithothers,butsullenwithher mother.Themotherwaswonderingifsheshouldusetherodtocorrectbadattitudes.Shewasafraidshe hadlostallcontrolandinfluence.Themotherhadaverystormyyouthandwasanxioustopreventher daughterfromthesamefate.Themoreirritatedthemotherbecameandthehardershepushed,themore groundshelost. Iknewthisfamilywhenthedaughterwasachild.Irecallthateventhenthemotherdidn'tlikeherdaughter. TakingherownuglyattitudetoChrist,themotherfoundcleansingandhealing.Theteenagedaughterquickly showedtremendousimprovement. Sometimesintheareasoftalentandpersonality,parentshavenarrowexpectationsfortheirchildrenandare criticalwhentheyfallshort.But,moreprominently,wheretheparentsarepoortrainers,theycometodislike thechildtheyhaveproduced.Ifyouhavepaintedapicturethatyoudon'tlike,don'tblamethecanvas.Get outthebrushesandpaintoverthemess. CHAPTER4 TyingStrings MANYSTRINGSMAKESTRONGCHORDS Thereisamysticalbondbetweencaringmembersofafamily.Icanlookateachofmychildrenandfeelthat union.Itisasifwewerejoinedbymanystringsofmutuallove,respect,honor,andallthegoodtimesthat wehavehadtogether.Themoregoodexperienceswehavetogether,themorestringsthatunite. Wheretwoormorepeoplearelivingtogether,theirinterests,opinionsandlibertiessometimesclash.The stringsthatuniteareoftencutbyselfishness,indifference,pride,selfwillandthelike.Wherethereisnota constanttyingofnewstrings,familymemberssoonfindthemselvesseparatedbysuspicion,distrustand criticism.Thegapcangrowsowidethatthetwocanbecomevirtualenemies. Whenthishappensbetweenparentandchild,itisaseriouscrisis.Unlessnewstringsaretied,thetwowill increasinglygrowapart.Whenayouthsayssomethinglike,"Myparentsdon'tunderstandme,"or"They don'tcare,"itistestimonyofacompletecuttingofallstrings. PAPERHEARTS Recently,afathertoldusofavictoryinthisarea.Hisfirstgradercamehomefromschoolandbecame preoccupieddrawingandcuttingoutpaperhearts.Thefatherandsonwerecloseandoftendidthings together.Seeingtheboy'ssmittencondition,thefatherlightlypokedfunathisactivity.Thechilddidn'tsee anythingamusing.Heturnedawayandcontinuedhislaboroflove.Overthenextseveraldays,theboy wouldconcealhisendeavorsfromthefather.Thefatherbecameawarethataconfidencecrisishad occurred.Thechildwaswithdrawnandresistedalloverturestofellowshipwithhisfather.Thestringshad beencut. If,atthispoint,thefatherhadacceptedthiswallasjusta"stage"orworse,becomeirritatedand contributedfurthertothebreachthiswouldhavebeenthebeginningofabreachthatwouldhavegrown widerwiththeyears.Butthefatherwaswiseandtookpositiveaction.Afterschooloneday,hesaidtohis son,"HeyJessie,youwanttogoouttotheshopwithme?Wewillcutoutwoodenhearts."Jessiereservedly lookedupandseemedtobecautiouslyanalyzinghisfather'sintent.Afteramoment,hisfacialexpressions changedtobelievingdelight,andhesaid,"SureDad,thatwouldbegreat."Astheyworkedtogethercreating awoodenhearttobegiventoJessie'sfriend,thewallcamedownandcamaraderiewasrestored. Itisimportantthatsonsanddaughterscantrusttheirparentswithpersonal,intimateknowledge.Ifthereisa barrierinthisarea,whenthetimecomesthattheyoungmanneedscounsel,towhomshallhego?The feelingsofachildarejustasimportantandsacredasthoseofanadult.Alwaystreatyourchildrenwith respect.Neverridicule,mockorlaughatyourchild'sideas,creationsorambitions.Thetrustyoudesireto havewhentheyareoldermustbeestablishedandmaintainedwhentheyareyoung.Ifyouhaveanolder childwithwhomyouhavefailedinthisarea,itisnottoolatetoapologizeandreestablishthattrust.Itmay takeawhiletoearntheirconfidence,sogettoit. CUTSTRINGS Iwouldsaythatmostparentshaveallowedthestringstobecutandhavenotmadearesponsibleeffortto tienewones.Itismostcriticalthatyouunderstandandtakecareinthisarea.Whenthestringsareallcut, therecanbenoeffectivedisciplineortraining.Withoutthatmutualrespectandhonor,furtherdisciplineonly angersandembittersthechild. Italkwithmanyparentswhohavelostcontactwiththeirchild.Foreveryonestringthatmighttiethem together,therearetwosituationstocutit.Notonlyistherenolongerabond,butthereisacloudbetween themthatobscuresunderstanding.Theparenttakesthechild'swithdrawalandresentmentasrebellion (whichitis)andbringsoutthewhiplashesofthetongueandrod.Likeawildanimalthechildfurther withdrawsintohisownworldofsuspicionanddistrust.Similartothecontrolofawardenoverhisprisoners, therodcanforceoutwardcompliance,butitwillnotmoldcharacterortiethestringsoffellowship.The parentfeelsthechildslippingaway,sometimesintothefellowshipofbadhabitsorundesirablecompany.

Italkwithmanyparentswhohavelostcontactwiththeirchild.Foreveryonestringthatmighttiethem together,therearetwosituationstocutit.Notonlyistherenolongerabond,butthereisacloudbetween themthatobscuresunderstanding.Theparenttakesthechild'swithdrawalandresentmentasrebellion (whichitis)andbringsoutthewhiplashesofthetongueandrod.Likeawildanimalthechildfurther withdrawsintohisownworldofsuspicionanddistrust.Similartothecontrolofawardenoverhisprisoners, therodcanforceoutwardcompliance,butitwillnotmoldcharacterortiethestringsoffellowship.The parentfeelsthechildslippingaway,sometimesintothefellowshipofbadhabitsorundesirablecompany. Theparent'sangerorbrokenheartwillneverstitchupthebreach. Theparentwhoresortstosympathytactics:"Ifyoulovedme,"or"Youhurtmesomuch,"or"Whydoyou dothistome?"mayelicittokencompliance,butwillonlycausetheyouthtoyearnforthedaywhenheor shecangetawayandbefree.Manyparentshavethusdriventheiryoungdaughterintothearmsofan unwholesomelover. Thesmallchildisoftenneglectedandmishandledwithlittleconcernonthepartoftheparentbecausethe childdoesn'tpossessthemeanstomanifesthishurt.Bythetimetheparentisforcedtoadmitthereisa problem,thereisawarzoneofobstaclesbetweenthem.Whatachildisatfourhewillbeatfourteen,only manytimesmagnified.Yourtwoyearoldwhinerwillbeatwelveyearoldwhiner.Theintemperatefive yearoldwillbeanintemperatefifteenyearold. STRINGSLEFTUNTIED Amothercametousconcernedforherfourteenyearolddaughter.Shehadbeenrearedinavery protectedenvironmentandwasoutwardlyobedient,buttheparentsfeltthattherewasabreachinthefamily ties.Whengivenachore,thegirlwouldobey,butwithasullenattitude.Itseemedtothismotherthather daughterwastoleratingthefamilyandwasnotatallpleasedwiththecompany.Therewereperiodsof withdrawal.Sheseemedtohaveherownlittleworld.Withnooutwarddisobedience,therewasnothingfor whichtoreprimandtheteenager.Thismotherhadlostfellowshipwithherdaughter.Thestringshadlongago beencut.Rebukeordisciplinewouldbefruitless,evenharmful,untilthestringsofmutualrespectandtrust weretied. THETHREEYEAROLDTRUCKER Asmywifesattalking,analtercationdevelopedbetweentheyoungmother'stwosons,oneandthreeyears old.Theybothbegantoscreamwhiletuggingatoppositeendsofthesametoytruck.Themotherhollered, "Whatiswrongwithyoutwo?""Heistryingtotakemytruck,"criedtheolderofthetwo."Billy,giveJohnny backhistruck,"sheyelled.Afterfurtherpeaceshatteringthreatsandscreamsofprotest,hereluctantly handedoverthetruck. Theyoungerchildthendefeatedlylefttheyardandstumbledintothehousetostandbesidehismotherthus punishingtheotherbrotherbythelossofhiscompany.(Itisanadultformofretribution,butchildrenmust learnitsometime.) Afterthechastisementoflonelinesshaddoneitswork,theolderbrotherbecamerepentant.Pickinguphis truckfromthesandpile,hemadehiswayintothehousewherehefoundtheoffendedyoungerbrothernow sittinginhismother'slapbeingconsoledforhislossesonthebattlefield.Withasmileofreconciliation,he heldhistruckouttotheyoungerbrother.Astheyoungerbrotherwasabouttoacceptthesacrificialpeace offering,themotherturnedtoseethegrinningchilddribblingsandfromhistruckontothefloor."Getthat thingoutofhere!"shecommanded. Beingengrossedinhercompany,shewasnotthinkingofherchildrenashumanbeingswithcomplex feelings.Shejustsawanothercleaningjobtofurtheraddtoherburden. Atthispointapsychologicaltransformationoccurredinthechild.Hehadjustexperienceda"repentance" thathadcleansedhimofangerandselfishness.Weighinghisrighttopossessthetruckagainsthisbrother's company,hehadfoundthathevaluedhisbrothermore.Hewaslearningimportantsociallessonsabout giveandtake.Hewaslearningtoshareandhowtocontrolhispossessiveness.Hisheartwassurrendered andvulnerable.Hehadgonethesecondmileandwhenhegottotheendofit,hewasshockedtofindthat noonecared.Itreallydidn'tmatter.Hehadlaiddownhisguns,andnowhewasbeingfiredupon.Ifhewas notgoingtobeallowedtosurrender,iftheydidn'tcareenoughtoaccepthisoffering,hewasnotgoingto standthereexposed,grinninglikeafool,whilebeingunjustlyblasted. Hedidn'tunderstandwhatalltherowwasabout.Whocouldbeupsetaboutalittlesandonthefloor?After all,hehadbeenplayinginsandallmorninghelovedit.Ashestudiedthethreateningfacebeforehim,you couldseethelittlementalwheelsturning. Immediatelythesmileleftandwasreplacedbywonder,thenpuzzlement,finallydefiance.Suddenly,anidea cametohim.Itnowbeingclearshewasmadaboutthesandbeingdribbledonthefloor,heraisedhistruck toexamineit,thendefiantlydumpedthefullcontentsontothefloor.Tohissatisfactionitworked.Shecame apart.Shehadhurthimandhehadsuccessfullyretaliated."Justlookatherredface.Thatwillteachherto attackme.Boy,Iwonthisround." Thismotherhadmissedtheopportunitytoacceptthesurrenderofthisrebelleader.Insteadshehaddriven himbackintothecountrysidetopracticehiscivildissentindefianceoftheestablishedauthority.Likemany rebels,hehadnoalternateplansforthefuture.Helivedtobearebelbecauseofhishatredfortheauthority thathehopedtopunishforperceivedinjustices. Now,youmaythinkthatIamoverdramatizingthechild'sfeelings.Itistruethathecouldnottellyouwhat hewasthinking.Norwillhebeabletounderstandthesesamefeelingswhenatfourteenitbecomesapparent hehasseriousproblems.But,atthreeyearsold,thechild'sactionsalldemonstratetherootbitternessofa rebel.

thathehopedtopunishforperceivedinjustices. Now,youmaythinkthatIamoverdramatizingthechild'sfeelings.Itistruethathecouldnottellyouwhat hewasthinking.Norwillhebeabletounderstandthesesamefeelingswhenatfourteenitbecomesapparent hehasseriousproblems.But,atthreeyearsold,thechild'sactionsalldemonstratetherootbitternessofa rebel. Iftheparentsdon'tchange,whentheboybecomesateenagertheywillthrowuptheirhandsandsay,"I don'tunderstandthatboy.Wehaveraisedhimright,taughthimrightfromwrong,takenhimtochurchand heactslikewearetheenemy.Wehavedoneourbest.ItisuptotheGoodLordnow." Thismotherisfailingtotiestringsofcommonrespect.Theseedssownattwoyearsofagecomeupat fourteen. PROBLEMPARENTS Parent,ifyouarehavingproblemswithyourchildren,justknowthatyouarenotalone.Theyarealsohaving problemswiththeirparents.Onepartyisgoingtohavetoadjustinordertohelptheother.Sinceyouare readingthisbook,andnotthechild,andsinceyouarethemoreexperiencedofthetwo,andsinceGod didn'tsay,"Children,trainupyourparents,"theresponsibilityiscompletelyonyou. CUTTINGSTRINGS Irememberlookingintothefaceofoneofmyboysandknowingthatthestringshadbeencut.Itwasasad thingtoseehimslipfromthemooringanddriftaway.AtthetimeIhadnotformulatedtheterminology,nor evenrecognizedtheprinciplebutIcouldseethattherewasabreach.Afaultlinewaswideningthegap.The faultwasmine.Ihadpushedhimtoohard,demandedtoomuch,andthenbeencriticalwhenhehadnot performedtomyexpectations.When,likeaturtle,hewithdrewintohisshell,Icouldseethathehad dismissedme.Hehaddecidedtolivewithoutme.Therewastoomuchpaininassociationwithhisfather. Ididn'tknowhowtodefineit,butbeingfullyresponsibleforthetraining,Iknewthatitwasmy responsibility.Iimmediatelyapologized,lightenedup,revisedmycriticism,foundthegoodinwhathehad done,andsuggestedanexcitingouting.Ittookseveraldaysofmebeingsensible,fair,just,andkindto restorethestringsoffellowshipbutchildrenforgivequicklyandarerestoredifwewillletthembe. GODHELPTHEFATHERS "And,yefathers,provokenotyourchildrentowrath:butbringthemupinthenurtureandadmonitionofthe Lord(Eph.6:4)."Afatherwhoteaseshischildrentoangercanexpectthemtodothesametootherssmaller thanthemselves.Onmorethanoneoccasion,whenscufflingwithmyboys,Ihavefoundmyselfhavingfunat theirexpense(ThatwaswhenIwasbiggerthanthey).Theyremindmetoplaybythesamerulestowhich theyarebound. Don'tlaughthisoff,fathers.Ifyoumakeyourlittleboymadwhileyouarehavingfun,youhavecreateda bully.Afterall,weren'tyoubullyinghim?Thewrathyouprovokedinhimwillbestoredupuntilhecan releaseitononeweakerthanhimself.Thatwrathcanonlybeputawaybyhisforgivingyou.Hecannot forgiveuntilheseesyourrepentance. Ifthechildisrootedinbitterness,youhaveahealingandrestorationministryaheadofyou.Yourheartand lifemustbefullysurrenderedtoGodoryouarewastingyourtime.Youwilljusthavetotrytostayoutofhis way.Hewillberearinghimself.Hischancesarenotgood,butdon'tincreasehisbitternessbyplayingthe hypocrite.Itishardenoughtomakeitinthisgodlessworldwhenyouhavegoodsupportbutforakidfilled withbitterness,facingitalone,thereisnotmuchhope.Maybethemothercanmakeadifference.Oftena boyjustshutsoutafatherforwhomheonlyhasdisdainandrelatestohismotherinamannerthatmaybring himalonginanaverageway. Father,ifyoucareforyourchild'ssoulmorethanyourpride,thenhumbleyourself,askhisforgiveness(even ifheisjusttwoyearsold).Thenbecomeapatientfatherandhusband.Spendtimewithyourchildrendoing thingsthatarecreativethatgivethemasenseofgreatadventureoraccomplishment.Youcan'tleadyour childclosertoGodthanyouareyourself. WHATCANIDONOW? Tiesomestrings.Youmustbeknittogetherwithyourchildbeforeyoucantrainhim.Confessyourfailureto Godandtoyourchild.Askyourchildtoforgiveyouforangerandindifference.Atfirsttheywillsuspectitis justamanipulativeployonyourpartandwillkeeptheirdistancesoyoumustbeginrebuilding. Don'tbargeinandoverpowerthemwithemotionoranewphilosophy.Beafriend.Dowiththemthethings theyenjoydoing.Becaring.Bemorereadywithyourearthanyouarewithyourmouth.Beverysensitiveto theirconcerns.Tiestringsuntilyouhaveearnedtheirrespectandhonor.Iftheysensethatyoulikeandenjoy them,theywillrespondinkind.Whentheylikeyou,theywillwanttopleaseyouandwillbeopentoyour discipline. Thestrongestchordofdisciplineisnotfoundinthewhiprather,itistheweavingtogetherofthestringsof mutuallove,respect,honor,loyalty,admiration,andcaring.Itisthedifferenceinbeing"ledbythespirit"and being"undertheworksofthelaw."Thelawgivesusdirection,butonlythespiritofgracegivesuspower.If youwillcultivatefellowshipwithyourchild,youwillhavesuchcooperativecompliancethatyouwillforget whereyoulastlefttherod. WALKINGINTHEFATHER'SLIGHT IcanrememberanincidentthatoccurredwhenIwasonlyfouryearsold.Severalofus,aboutthesameage, werewalkingalongbehindarowofhouseswhenoneofthemsuggestedthatwethrowrocksatabasement window. Icanstillremembermythoughtprocesses.AsIconsidereddoingit,IsawmyDaddy'sface.Henevertold

whereyoulastlefttherod. WALKINGINTHEFATHER'SLIGHT IcanrememberanincidentthatoccurredwhenIwasonlyfouryearsold.Severalofus,aboutthesameage, werewalkingalongbehindarowofhouseswhenoneofthemsuggestedthatwethrowrocksatabasement window. Icanstillremembermythoughtprocesses.AsIconsidereddoingit,IsawmyDaddy'sface.Henevertold menottobreakwindows,butIknewhewouldnotbepleased.Ihadnolawtogoby,butIhadmyfather's presencetoguideme.Itwasnotfearofpunishmentorscoldingthatmotivatedme.Itwasmyfellowshipwith myfatherthatIdarednotjeopardize.Topleasehimandenjoyhisfavorwasmystrongestimpulse.I withdrewfromthewindowbreakingpartyandwalkedinmyfather'slight. Myfatherwasnotperfect.Hewasn'teventhebestofChristians,butIwasnotyetawareofthatatfouror eventenyearsofage.Tome,hewaslawandgrace.AsIgrewolder,Islowly(sometimewithajolt)came toseehimasjustanotherstrugglingmemberofthehumanrace.Still,Ineveroutgrewthatdesiretoplease him. But,asmyconfidenceinhimwaned,myconfidenceinGodgrew.Withtheeventualtransferofmyfaithto God(asitshouldbe),Ifoundmyselfstillmotivatednotbythelawandafearofhell,butbythefaceofmy HeavenlyFather.Today,Ihaveadoublelightedpath. Parent,aboveall,youmustcultivatethatkindofarelationshipwithyourchild.Itisapainfulthingtosin againstyourbestbuddy.Ifyoucanmaintainthisbondwithyourchildyouwillneverhaveaproblemchild. SEEINGGODINDADDYANDMAMMA Whenthechildisyoung,theparentsaretheonly"god"heknows.AsheawakenstoDivinerealities,itis throughhisearthlyfatherthatheunderstandshisheavenlyFather.Fathers(andmothersalso),youarethe windowthroughwhichyouryoungchildunderstandsGod.AchildlearnsofthecharacterofGodthrough observingtheparents.Theparentsdonothavetobeperfect,justaminicaricaturerepresentingabalanceof God'spersonality.AllthatGodisininfiniteness,theparentsshoulddisplayinthefinite.Theparentsneednot beallpowerful,justthechild'ssourceofstrength.Theparentsdonothavetobeallwise,justwiseenough toguidethechildandwarrantadmiration.Theparentsneednotbesinless,justdemonstrateacommitment tothegoodandholy.Asthechildseestheparents'humbledependenceonandloveforGod,becausehe lovesandrespectshisparents,hewillloveandhonortheonetheparentslove. Asthechildrelatestothefigureheadofauthority(hisparents),inlikemannerhewilllaterbepronetorelate toGod.If,whentheparentssay,"No,"theydonotmean'"No,"thenthe"thoushaltnot"ofGodwillnotbe takenseriouslyeither.ChildrenwithcruelfathersusuallymaturewithaforebodingoftheirheavenlyFather. ThosedisciplinedtolovinglyobeytheirearthlyfathersaremorereadytoobeytheirheavenlyFather. YOUCANTIESTRINGS Ifyoufeelthestringsarecut,youwillwanttotienewones.Herearejustafewsuggestionsontyingstrings: *Firstandforemost,lookatyourchildwithpleasureandsmile. *Enjoytheircompanyanddemonstrateitbyinvitingthemtogowithyouwhenthereisnoreasonbuttheir presence.Fortheyoung,lookatpicturesorreadabooktogether. *Sitonthefloorandplay.Tumbleandroll,laughandtickle. *Takethemonoutingsofadventure,excitementand"danger." *Atenminutetriptothetreehousetoseetheircreations. *Letthemleadyououttotheswingtoshowofftheirlateststunt. *Makeakiteorbuildabirdhousetogether. *Mother,teachyourchildrentodoeverythingthatmustbedoneinthehouse.Makeitallafunexperience. Don'tusetheveryyoungasslavelabor,theywillexperienceburnout.Letthembakecookiesatthreeyears old.Whenyouaresewing,lettheyoungonessitonthefloorandcutoutdollclothes.Whenyouare painting,letthemmakeafewswipes. *Fathers,bytheirparticipation,lettheboysfeeltheyaretheprotectorsandprovidersofthehouse.Ifthey canwalk,theycancarryingroceriesorbringinfirewood.Bragontheirachievements. Theideaisforthemtofeelthattheyareveryspecialtoyou,andtoknowthatyoufindgreatsatisfactionand delightinsharingwiththem.Ifyouorderyourlifesoyourchildrenfeelneeded,theywilldesiretowalkin harmonywithyou. CHAPTER5 TheRod "ILOVEMYBABYTOOMUCHTOSPANKHIM" Iobservedachildpossessedofcontinualdiscontent.Hismotherwasvainlytryingtoelicitobediencetoa simplecommand.Hewasmiserable,constantlycomplaining,whiningandangry.Themother,made

 CHAPTER5 TheRod "ILOVEMYBABYTOOMUCHTOSPANKHIM" Iobservedachildpossessedofcontinualdiscontent.Hismotherwasvainlytryingtoelicitobediencetoa simplecommand.Hewasmiserable,constantlycomplaining,whiningandangry.Themother,made miserablebythelittletyrant'srebelliousantics,wasilltemperedtowardhim.Butshecontinuedtopleadwith himasifsheweretryingtorememberwhatitwassheheardabout"positiveaffirmation"andnot"stiflinghis personalexpression." Asanobjectiveobserver,concernedforthechild'shappinessandwellbeing,Isaidtothemother,"Why don'tyougivehimaspankingandmakehimhappy?"Theshockedmother,replied,"Oh,hewillgrowoutof it.It'sjustastageheisgoingthrough." Ifshetrulybelievesthisisaninevitable,naturalstage(aconditionforwhichlittleJohnnyisnotresponsible), whydoesshesometimesbecomeenraged,demandingadifferentconductorattitude?Themother,while excusinghimandmaintaininga"patient"vigilforthe"stage"torunitscourse,andinspiteofherverbalized philosophy,doesblamethechild.Downinside,sheknowsheshouldbecouldbedecidedlydifferent.His attitudeproblemisheightenedbythecriticismandrejectionhefeelsfromadisapprovingmotherandfrom thepublic. Wehaveprogressedtotheplacewhereadiscussionoftheuseoftherodisinorder.Let'stalkabout spankingssometimescalled"whippings.""Hethatsparethhisrodhatethhisson:buthethatlovethhim chastenethhimbetimes(Prov.13:24)."Thisseemstogoexactlyoppositetothefeelingsofmanyparents andeducators.Thepassageclearlystatesthatafailuretoapplytherodisduetotheparents'hatingthechild. "No!"criesthemother,"Ilovemychildtoomuchtospankhim."Theparentwhorespondsthusdoesnot understand:1)theauthorityofGod'sword,2)thenatureoflove,3)his(orher)ownfeelings,4)the characterofGod,or,5)theneedsofthechild. 1.UNDERSTANDINGTHEAUTHORITYOFGOD'SWORD ThewiseGodwhosaid:"Sufferthelittlechildrentocomeuntome,andforbidthemnot...(Mark10:14)," alsosaid: *"Chastenthysonwhilethereishope,andletnotthysoulspareforhiscrying."(Prov.19:18) *"Hethatsparethhisrodhatethhisson:buthethatlovethhimchastenethhimbetimes."(Prov.13:24) *"Foolishnessisboundintheheartofachild,buttherodofcorrectionshalldriveitfarfromhim."(Prov. 22:15) *"Withholdnotcorrectionfromthechild,forifthoubeatesthimwiththerod,heshallnotdie,Thoushalt beathimwiththerod,andshaltdeliverhissoulfromhell(Prov.23:1314)." *"Therodandreproofgivewisdom:butachildlefttohimselfbringethhismothertoshame."(Prov.29:15) *"Correctthyson,andheshallgivetheerestyea,heshahgivedelightuntothysoul."(Prov.29:17) 2.UNDERSTANDINGTHENATUREOFLOVE Youmayhavestrongfeelingsthatpreventyoufromspankingyourchild,butitisnotlove.TheGodwho madelittlechildren,andthereforeknowswhatisbestforthem,hastoldparentstoemploytherodintraining upachild.Torefrainfromdoingso,basedonaclaimoflove,isanindictmentonGodhimself.Youractions assumeeitherGoddoesnotdesirewhatisbestforyourchildoryouknowbetterthanHe. Parent,youneedtoknowthedifferencebetweentrueloveandsentiment.Naturalhumansentimentoften takentobelovecanbeharmfulifnotsubmittedtowisdom.Loveisnotsentiment.Thatis,loveisnotthe deepfeelingsweoftenhaveinassociationwiththoseclosetous.Suchfeelingscan,andoftenare,self serving. Loveisnotanemotionatall.Love,inthepurestsense,isgoodwilltowardandgooddoingforyour fellowman.Trueloveisdisinterested.Thatis,thereisnothoughtofpersonalreturnnorofpersonallossin theactofloving. 3.UNDERSTANDINGONE'SOWNFEELINGS Anemotionallyweakmotheroftenlookstoherchild'sclingingdependenceforherownselffulfillment.She findsadeepneedmetwithinherselfassheconstantlydotesovertheinfant'severywant.Herconsuming passionforthechild,whichshetakestobelove,istoosacredtojeopardize.Herinsecuritycausesherto consideronlywhatsheperceivestobeherlossintheactofspanking.Sheisafraidtodoanythingthatmight causethechildrentorejecther.Ifsuchisthecase,sheisnotlovingthechild,sheislovingherself.Herown feelingstakeprecedenceoverthechild'sneeds. Thepitifullookofbetrayalinhispoorlittleeyesjustbreakshersufferingheart.Itwouldhurthertoomuchto obeyGodintrainingupherchild.Becauseofherfearofpersonalemotionalsuffering,sheneglectstherod. "Hethatsparethhisrodhatethhisson:buthethatlovethhimchastenethhimbetimes(Prov.13:24)." Inherownneed,sheissonaiveastobelievethather"sweet"childwillgrowoutofitandbeawonderful person.Shethinks,"Justgivehimalittlemoretimehedoesn'tunderstandyet." Tosetasideone'sownfeelingsforthepurposeofobjectivelyregardingthegoodofthechildistheonlytrue

obeyGodintrainingupherchild.Becauseofherfearofpersonalemotionalsuffering,sheneglectstherod. "Hethatsparethhisrodhatethhisson:buthethatlovethhimchastenethhimbetimes(Prov.13:24)." Inherownneed,sheissonaiveastobelievethather"sweet"childwillgrowoutofitandbeawonderful person.Shethinks,"Justgivehimalittlemoretimehedoesn'tunderstandyet." Tosetasideone'sownfeelingsforthepurposeofobjectivelyregardingthegoodofthechildistheonlytrue love.Ifamothershouldsmotherherbabywhilekissinghim,shehasnotlovedhim. Herownangermaycausehernottotrusthermotivesincorporalpunishment.Seechapter3,PARENTAL ANGER.Thenagain,thisdistrustoftherodmaygobacktothememoryofatyrannical,unreasonable father.Shemayhavevowed,"Iwillneverbelikemyfather.Iwilllovemychildren.Theywillnotfearmethe wayIfearedmyfather."Thefathernotonlyhurther,heisnowhurtingherchildrenbycausinghertoreactin theoppositeextreme. Sometimesimagesfromthepastcauseamothertohavedeepforebodingeverytimethefatherspanksthe children.Motherswhohavebeenconditionedtoassociateangerwithdisciplineimputeamotiveofangerto anyonewhoisspankingachild.Thechildperceivestheprotectivenessofthemotherandwillwhineforher whenthefatherattemptstodiscipline.Herlackofcommitmenttothefather'sdisciplinepreventsitfrom beingeffectiveandcausesdeviousnessinthechild.Itistimetostopreactingtothepastandstartactingas Godandsoundreasondictate. Someparentsfailtousetherodbecauseofpeerpressure.Theymaybeindisagreementwiththeirown parentsaboutchildtraining.Themodernparentisbombardedwithpropaganda,supposedlybasedonthe latestpsychologicalresearch,whichvillainizesBiblicallybasedchildrearing.Theparentsareshamedand causedtolookovertheirshoulderbeforeapplyingdiscipline. 4.UNDERSTANDINGTHECHARACTEROFGOD Theparentwhoexcuseshimselffromusingtherodbasedonanexcuseoflovingthechildtoomuchdoesnot wellunderstandthecharacterandmethodsofGodtowardHisownpeople. ThereisacurrentthoughtpatternthathasedgedintotheChristian'sthinking.Itgoessomethinglikethis: "SinceGodislove,Heisnotdiscriminating,demanding,vindictive,orvengeful."Essentially,theyviewthe loveofGodasincompatiblewiththejusticeofGod.ItseemstothemthatHemustbeeitheroneorthe other.Thereisavague,undefinedsensethatGodwasoncevengeful,butisnowpassive,tolerantand ecumenicaltheUniversalFather.GodisstrippedofHisbalancedpersonalityanddefinedinanon threateningway.Heaveniswellreceivedhellissuspect."Judgenot,"themostpopularverseintheBible,is quotedasifGodHimselfcouldnolongerdiscriminatebetweenrightandwrong.AsmuchasGodislove,so muchisheholy,just,judgmentandtruth.ItisoutofHisloveofrighteousnessthatHeiscomingin"flaming firetakingvengeanceonthemthatknownotGod,andthatobeynotthegospelofourLordJesusChrist(2 Thes.1:8)."TochooseonesideofGod'scharacterasamodelforouractions,whilerejectingtheother,can hardlybecalledvirtue. GODSPANKSHISCHILDREN Thosewhooutofamagnanimoussenseofrighteousnesschoosenottousetherodare,byinference, condemningGod."ForwhomtheLordlovethhechasteneth,andscourgetheverysonwhomhereceiveth.If yeendurechastening,Goddealethwithyouaswithsonsforwhatsonishewhomthefatherchastenethnot? Butifyebewithoutchastisement,whereofallarepartakers,thenareyebastards,andnotsons(Heb.12:6 8)." ThenitsaysHechastensus"forourownprofit,thatwemightbepartakersofhisholiness(Heb.12:10)."A mostprofoundstatement!Goddoesnothaveanysonswhoescapechastisement"allarepartakers."And, didHestoplovingthosewhomhechastened?Quitethecontrary,lovewasHismotivationforthe "spanking."Onlythroughchastisement,couldHissonsfullypartakeofHisholiness.Hedoesit"forourown profit." "Nochasteningforthepresentseemethtobejoyous,butgrievous...(Heb.12:11)."God'schastisementisa painful"whipping."Our"fathersoftheflesh...chastenedusaftertheirownpleasure...(12:9,10)."The Scripturenotonlycondonesphysical"scourging,"butpromotesitasameanstoholinesswhenministered fortheson's"profit." Thechastisementisrepresentedasasuresignoflove:"forwhomtheLordloveth,hechasteneth."Ifthereis nochastisement,itisnotonlyanindicationofnotbeingloved,butofbeinga"bastard"Soweseethatoutof theveryloveofGodspringschastisement.Thus,ouroriginalpassageinProv.13:24,"Hethatsparethhis rodhatethhisson:buthethatlovethhimchastenethhimbetimes." IfGod'sloveisexpressedbythe"whippings"Hegives,thencanwenotloveourchildrenenoughtochasten themuntoholiness?Ihaveheardarebelliousteenagersay,"Iftheyonlylovedmeenoughtowhipme." Recently,amothertoldusthataftercrackingdownonherchildrenwithaconsistentuseoftherod,one childthankedGodformakinghisMamasweeter.Theincreasedspankingshadreduceddisobedience, causingthechildtobemoreinharmonywithhismother.Heinterpretedthistobeasweetermother. 5.UNDERSTANDINGTHENEEDSOFTHECHILD Theverynatureofthechildmakestherodanindispensableelementinchildtraininganddiscipline.Wewill summarizethepreviouscommentsonthenatureofachild(chapter2)andthendrawsomeimportant practicalapplications. SUMMARY:"Theygoastrayassoonastheybeborn,speakinglies(Psalm58:3)."Theinfant,through naturaldrivesforfood,cuddlingandbodilycomfort,soonlearnsthatbyfalselyrepresentinghisneedhecan

5.UNDERSTANDINGTHENEEDSOFTHECHILD Theverynatureofthechildmakestherodanindispensableelementinchildtraininganddiscipline.Wewill summarizethepreviouscommentsonthenatureofachild(chapter2)andthendrawsomeimportant practicalapplications. SUMMARY:"Theygoastrayassoonastheybeborn,speakinglies(Psalm58:3)."Theinfant,through naturaldrivesforfood,cuddlingandbodilycomfort,soonlearnsthatbyfalselyrepresentinghisneedhecan gainexcessiveindulgences.Butduetohisimmaturereasoningfaculties,Goddoesnotcountthelieassin. "Thereforetohimthatknowethtodogood,anddoethitnot,tohimitissin.(James4:17).Sinisnotimputed wherethereisnolaw.(Rom.5:13)."Theinfant,notknowing"goodandevil(Deut.1:39),"isnotheld responsibleforhislackofconformitytothelaw.Nevertheless,infantsdolie.And,childrenissueforthwitha multitudeofotherselfishlymotivatedthoughtsandactsthatwill,upontheircomingtothe"knowledgeof goodandevil,"constitutea"bodyofsin." Thoughtheyarenotnowtoblame,therewillcomeatimewhen,throughthedevelopmentofthe understanding,theconsciencewillbeawakened,andforthesethingstheywillbecountedblameworthy. Yourchildisinabodyofinfirmflesh.TheGodgivendrivestowardthefulfillmentofbodilyneedsand appetitesformaconstantandincessantoccasiontolusts.Thedriveitselfisnotsin.Lustofthefleshisnatural (Deut12.'15).Butwhenoneis"drawnawayofhisownlust,andenticed,"andthelustconceiveswith opportunity,"...itbringethforthsin(James1:14,15)." Youcannotpreventyourchildrenfromthelifeoftestingthatthisbodyofflesh(skin,bloodandbones,with allitspassionsandneeds)willbring.Butyoucantraintheminthedisciplinesnecessarytonotbegivenover toaselfishlyindulgentlife.Therodisyourdivineenforcer."Therodandreproofgivewisdom...(Prov. 29.'15)." Understand,wearenotsuggestingthatachildcanbetrainedintotheChristianexperience,onlythatthe mindandbodyshouldbedevelopedtoitshighestpossiblenaturaldiscipline.Thiscannotdootherthanaid theSpiritinconvictingthemofsin,causingthemtorealizetheirneedforaSavior.Wearetalkingaboutthe lawfuluseofthelaw. NEGATIVEFEELINGS Understandingthedevelopmentofachildhelpsustounderstandhisneeds. Selfindulgenceandanunruledspiritwillproduceemotionaldissatisfaction.Anundisciplinedchildwillbe insecure.Lackofselfcontrolproducesanger.Afailuretogetone'sownwaycausesselfpity.Unfulfilled lustresultsinrestlessagitation.Feelingsofbeingtreatedunfairlyprecipitatebitterness.Becauseofthis,both thechildandtheadulthaveaninnateneedtobegoverned.Otherwise,purposelessnessandlackofidentity result."Achildlefttohimselfbringethhismothertoshame(Prov.9:15)." Asachilddevelopsinhissenseof"oughtness,"anyviolationofhisownstandardsproducesguilt.Guiltis involuntaryselfaccusation.Itisthesoulknowingitselfandnotlikingwhatitsees.Thesmallestchildwho knowshehasfailedindoingwhatheoughtsuffersguilt.Althoughthechild'ssoulishfacultiesarenotyet completelyoperative,nonetheless,achildwhoviolateshisbuddingconsciencebecomesburdenedwithguilt andselfloathing. Achildwhoissoburdenedwillonlybecomesmorevilewhenlectured,shamed,ridiculed,deprivedofsome privilege,madetogotohisroom,madetositinthecorner,givenapainlesswhippingorajerkingaround accompaniedbythreats.Thisactuallyprovokesthechildtoanger.Theparent,bytheseresponses,has magnifiedtheproblem.Thechildmaybeinducedthroughoneofthesemeasurestoyieldtemporary compliance,buthisheartofuncleannessisconfirmedinitsevil. SELFLOATHINGCLARIFIED Forclarification,Iwillgivemydefinitionof"selfloathing."Intheextraordinaryignoranceofmodern psychology,thereexiststheassumptionthatman'smajorproblemis"notlovinghimself."Thiscomesfroma failuretounderstandtheassociationoftheemotionofselfloathing,whichcomesfromguilt,withthe suprememotivationofselflove. Bycreation,wenaturallyloveourselves.Wethinkintermsofwhatwillbenefitus."Fornomaneveryet hatethhisfleshbutnourishethandcherishethit(Eph.5:29)." Bynature,everyhumanvaluesrighteousnessandexpectsitofhimself.Tonotliveuptoyourownstandards istoexperienceselfcondemnation(conscience)andtosufferthepainsofguilt.Thehumanspirit,givenby God,comesequippedwithapermanent,resident,divinejudge(theconscience). Thehigheronevalueshisowngood(loveshimself)thegreaterhisowndespising(whichisguilt)whenhe failstoachievehisgoalsofrightdoing.Thesubsequentselfloathingisnothingbutselfrebukeforfailureto benefitthepersonhelovesthemostHIMSELF. Achildoradultwhoisselfloathingis,duetohisselfaccusingconscience,hatinghisownparticularstateor lotpreciselybecauseofselflove.Themoreoneloveshimself,thedeepertheselfloathing.Ifonetruly hatedhimself,hewouldfindgreatsatisfactioninthenegativethingsthatcomeuponhim.Whenachildisself loathing,heisdamninghimselfforknownviolationsofconscienceandfailuretoliveuptohisownstandards. Again,theguiltdemonstratesthatbynaturethechildinnatelyknowshedeservespunishmentforhismoral failure. GUILT Therefore,towardunderstandingthenatureofachild,aknowledgeofthepresenceofguiltisessentialinthe

loathing,heisdamninghimselfforknownviolationsofconscienceandfailuretoliveuptohisownstandards. Again,theguiltdemonstratesthatbynaturethechildinnatelyknowshedeservespunishmentforhismoral failure. GUILT Therefore,towardunderstandingthenatureofachild,aknowledgeofthepresenceofguiltisessentialinthe applicationofchastisement.Aspanking(whipping,paddling,switching,belting)isindispensabletothe removalofguiltinyourchild.Hisveryconscience(nature)demandspunishment. Mostpsychologicalproblemsarerootedinguilt.Guiltonlyoccurswhereonehonestlyjudgeshimselftobe worthyofblame.Onemayinappropriatelybeconvincedofblame,buttheguiltisnonethelessself incrimination. Parentswhotrytoshameorhumiliatetheirchildrenintorightbehaviorwillseethepowerofaguilty consciencetocurbsomeactions.Butobediencethusrenderedwillonlydeepenthefalseguilt,puttingthe childfurtheroutoftouchwithtruerepentanceandhealing. Guiltisnever,initself,restorative.Thatis,itdoesnottendtowardlessblameworthyactions.Onthe contrary,theguiltysoulisaslavetoeverytemptation.Guiltputsoneoutoftouchwiththenormalrestraining factors.Thedespairofguiltabolishesmotivationtowardrightdoing.Theanguishoffailurelowers expectations.Guiltlowersselfesteemtothepointwhereonedoesnotexpecttodootherthanfail.This realityhascausedthemodempsychologiststoviewguiltitselfastheculprit.Toaddresstheguiltislike dealingwiththepainofatoothache,butnotthetooth. Thosewhosuffertheconsequentialguiltoftheirmisdeedsareoftenseeninflictingpainorsufferingupon themselves.Thisselfabuseisanunconsciousattemptto"paythefiddler."Theunwrittencommonlawof retributionpervadesallofman'sthinking.Regardlessoftheage,religionorlackthereof,education,or philosophy,allintuitivelyknowthatwrongdoingdeservesandcanexpectpunishment.Thislawisassumed evenbythosewhogivetheirlifetodenyingit.Withthefirstawakeningsofconsciousness,achild understandsthistobethecase.Itremainsabasicpresuppositionoflife. Theguiltburdenedsoulcriesoutforthelashesandnailsofjustice.Yourchildcannotyetunderstandthatthe Creatorhasbeenlashedandnailedinhisplace.Onlytherodofcorrectioncanpreservehissouluntiltheday ofmoraldawning.Thatiswhythesoulofmanneverrestsuntiltheconsciencehasbeenpacifiedbya believinglookatthebleeding,crucified,substituteoftheLambofGod.Guiltisthelaw'schiefwitnessagainst thesinner.Guiltisthebarsthatenclosethedamnedintheeternalsufferingoftheirsins.Likeazealous prosecutingattorney,theconsciencewillnotdropitscaseuntilitissurethatjusticehasbeendone. Iobservedasmallchildwho,uponbeingcaughtinamisdeed,turnedherbacksidetotheparent,pulledher diaperdown,andgaveherselfthreeslapsonthebarebottom.Theoffering,thoughcute,wasnotaccepted. THECANE,NOTTHECORNER Oneyoungboyisnotspankedwhenhethrowsatantrumordisobeys.Itseemsthathedelightsindoing whatheiscommandednottodo.Themoreherebels,themeanerandguiltierhegets.Forpunishment,heis pinchedormadetositinthecomer,orsometimesputinadarkcloset.Whenhecomesoutheismadder thanever.Hecouldintimidateafireeatingdragon. Sittinginacomer,hewasheardtosay,"Nobodylikesme.I'masbadastheDevil.Ineverdoanything right."Thislittlefellowisbeingrearedtotakehisplaceinajailcell.Darkcornersanddarkclosetsbreed darknessinthesoul.Anemptyroomandapoutingchildincubatesguiltandanger.Onlytherodandreproof bringcorrection.Somehowchildrenknowtherodistheirjustdue. BLESSEDGUILT Guiltisanessentialpartofournatural,moralself.Withoutitwewouldbelikeasmokedetectorwithno alarm.But,guiltisonlyameanstoanend,atemporarycondition.It'sthesoul'spain,aswhenwetouch somethinghot,designedtogiveuswarning,tochangeouractions.Itisagreatblessingtofeelguilt,asignof life,ahealthyresponse.Donotfollowthemodemphilosophybytryingtoeliminateguiltthroughfudgingon thestandards.KeepthestandardshighashighasthepersonofChrist.Lettheguiltcome,andthen,while theyareyettooyoungtounderstand,absolveitbymeansoftherod.Whentheirtimecomes,theprinciples ofthecrosswillbeeasytograsp. THEPOWEROF"ABSOLUTION." Theparentholdsinhishand(intheformofalittleswitch)thepowertoabsolvethechildofguilt,cleansehis soul,instructhisspirit,strengthenhisresolve,andgivehimafreshstartthroughaconfidencethatall indebtednessispaid."Thebluenessofawoundcleansethawayevil:sodostripestheinwardpartsofthe belly(Prov.20:30).""Inwardpartsofthebelly"isadescriptionofthephysicalsensationsassociatedwith guilt. Stripes("scourgeth"Heb.12:6)aresaidtobetothesoulwhatthehealingbloodflowistoawound.Achild properlyandtimelyspankedishealedinthesoulandrestoredtowholenessofspirit.Achildcanbeturned backfromtheroadtohellthroughproperspankings."Withholdnotcorrectionfromthechildforifthou beatesthimwiththerod,heshallnotdie.Thoushaltbeathimwiththerod,andshaltdeliverhissoulfromhell (Prov.23:13,14)." Father,ashighpriestofthefamilyyoucanreconcileyourchildtonewnessoflife.GuiltgivesSatanajust callingcardandadoorofaccesstoyourchild.Inaccompanimentwithteaching,theproperlyadministered spankingisrestorativeasnothingelsecanbe. COMFORTINGROD Doyoucomfortyourchildrenwitharod?Ifyouhavenotseentherodasacomforttoyourchild,youhave

(Prov.23:13,14)." Father,ashighpriestofthefamilyyoucanreconcileyourchildtonewnessoflife.GuiltgivesSatanajust callingcardandadoorofaccesstoyourchild.Inaccompanimentwithteaching,theproperlyadministered spankingisrestorativeasnothingelsecanbe. COMFORTINGROD Doyoucomfortyourchildrenwitharod?Ifyouhavenotseentherodasacomforttoyourchild,youhave misseditspurpose."Thyrodandthystafftheycomfortme(Psalm23:4).Iwillchastenhimwiththerod...(2 Sam.7:14).ThenwillIvisittheirtransgressionwiththerod,andtheiriniquitieswithstripes(Psalm89:32)." David,whoexperiencedtherodofGod'scorrectionandwaschastenedfortransgression,foundcomfortin theDivinediscipline.Hewascomfortedbytherod.ItassuredhimofGod'scontrol,concern,love,and commitment.Childrenneedtoknowthatsomeoneisincontrol. "Chastenthysonwhilethereishope,andletnotthysoulspareforhiscrying(Prov.19:18)."Properuseof therodgivesnewhopetoarebelliouschild.Theexhortationistonotlettheircryingcauseyoutolightenup ontheintensityordurationofthespanking.Aparent'semotionscanstandinthewayofathorough cleansing. Anunchastenedchildisnotonlyrestlessandirritableinhisownspirit,butcausesthewholehousetobein turmoil."Correctthyson,andheshallgivetheerestyea,heshallgivedelightuntothysoul(Prov.29:17)." THEREWASAMIRACLEHERETONIGHT Recently,ayoungcouplewithfivechildrencametousforadvice.Thewifehadbecomeunresponsivetoher husbandandirritablewiththeirthreechildrenunderfive."IsometimesfeellikeIamgoingcrazy.Idon'twant tohaveanymorechildren,"sheblurtedout. Theystayedinourhomeforacoupleofdayssubmittingtoscrutiny.Afteralittleinstruction,theywenthome andgaveitatry.TwoweekslatertheywereinachurchmeetingwhereIwasspeaking.Theirchildrenallsat onthebenchwiththem,nevermakingastir.Afterward,thefather,eyesfilledwithwonder,exclaimed, "Therewasamiracleheretonightandnooneseemedtonotice."AsIwaslookingaroundfordiscarded crutches,hecontinued,"Awholeserviceandnotapeep!Ican'tbelieveit!"Alittletrainingandalittle discipline,andthechildrengavethem"rest"and"delight."Furthermore,thechildrenwereobviouslyhappier. TheMotherlatersaid,"Now,IthinkIwouldliketohavemorechildren." THEMAGICWAND Don'tthinkoftherodasaweaponofdefenseorashowofforcethinkoftherodasa"magicwand."The firsttimeparentsseeitsrestorativepowerstheyareamazed.Pictureachildofanyagewhoismiserable, complaining,abullytotheotherkids.Whenyoulookathim,allyoucanseeistheinsideofabottomlip. Everydevicehasfailedtobringrelief.Thekidfeelsthatheislivinginforeign,occupiedterritory.Heis obviouslyplottingthedayofthrowingofftheyoke.Bribed,threatenedorswatted,heonlygetsworse.Fail tousetherodonthischild,andyouarecreatinga'"Nazi."Istillmarvelatthepowerofthelittlerod.Aftera shortexplanationaboutbadattitudesandtheneedtolove,patientlyandcalmlyapplytherodtohisback side.Somehow,aftereightortenlicks,thepoisonistransformedintogushingloveandcontentment.The worldbecomesabeautifulplace.Abrandnewchildemerges.Itmakesanadultstareattherodinwonder, tryingtoseewhatmagiciscontainedtherein. CHAPTER6 ApplyingTheRod TODOMYDUTY Whenthetimecomestoapplytherod,takeadeepbreath,relax,andpray,"Lord,makethisavaluable learningsession.Cleansemychildofilltemperandrebellion.MayIproperlyrepresentyourcauseinthis matter."Nojerkingaround.Noraisedvoice.Thechildshouldbeabletoanticipatethecomingrodbyyour utterlycalmandcontrolledspirit. Atthispoint,inutterpanic,hewillrushtodemonstrateobedience.Neverrewarddelayedobedienceby reversingthesentence.And,unlessallelsefails,don'tdraghimtotheplaceofcleansing.Partofhistraining istocomesubmissively.However,ifyouarejustbeginningtoinstitutetrainingonanalreadyrebelliouschild, whorunsfromdisciplineandistooincoherenttolisten,thenusewhateverforceisnecessarytobringhimto bay.Ifyouhavetositonhimtospankhimthendonothesitate.Andholdhimthereuntilheissurrendered. Provethatyouarebigger,tougher,morepatientlyenduringandareunmovedbyhiswailing.Defeathim totally.Acceptnoconditionsforsurrender.Nocompromise.Youaretoruleoverhimasabenevolent sovereign.Yourwordisfinal. Otherwise,tellhimtobendoveronthebedorcouchandwhileheisinthispositiongivesomechoice admonition.Youhavehisundividedattention.Slowlybegintospank.Ifyougotoofast,youmaynotallow timeenoughfortheinnertransformationtooccur. Useyourownjudgmentastowhatiseffective.Ifoundfivetotenlicksusuallysufficient.Sometimes,with olderchildren,usuallywhenthelicksarenotforcefulenough,thechildmaystillberebellious.Ifthisoccurs, taketimetoinstructandthencontinuethespanking.Ageneralruleistocontinuethedisciplinaryactionuntil

Otherwise,tellhimtobendoveronthebedorcouchandwhileheisinthispositiongivesomechoice admonition.Youhavehisundividedattention.Slowlybegintospank.Ifyougotoofast,youmaynotallow timeenoughfortheinnertransformationtooccur. Useyourownjudgmentastowhatiseffective.Ifoundfivetotenlicksusuallysufficient.Sometimes,with olderchildren,usuallywhenthelicksarenotforcefulenough,thechildmaystillberebellious.Ifthisoccurs, taketimetoinstructandthencontinuethespanking.Ageneralruleistocontinuethedisciplinaryactionuntil thechildissurrendered.Aspankingismadeeffective,notbyitsseverity,butbyitscertainty.Spankings don'thavetobeashardwheretheyareconsistentlyapplied.Yourcalmdignitywillsetthestagetomakeit moreeffective. Ifanolderchildperceivesaselfdefensive,competitivepostureintheparent,hewillreacttothespanking muchashewouldifwhippedbyanolder,biggerboydowntheroad.Hewillbecomesubduedandcautious butnothonoring.Itwillcontrolhisactionsbutnotchangehisattitude. INSTRUMENTSOFLOVE Makeitapointnevertouseyourhandforspanking.Exceptionsshouldbehighlyjustified.Itisusuallythe impatient,personallyoffendedparentwhosehandcontinuallydartsoutlikeasnake.Theparent,toobusyto takethetimeneededfortraining,blurtsout,"Justgetoffmyback,leavemealone,stopbotheringme."The handswattingisareleaseoftheparent'sownfrustration. Furthermore,wherethechildisconcerned,thehandisforloving,notmartialarts.Thehandonadiapered bottomisuselessasaspanking,buteffectiveincausingpermanentdamagetothespine.Thereisnosurface paintothechildthuswhipped.Anypainwouldbedeepinside,similartoafalloracarwreck.Any spanking,toeffectivelyreinforceinstruction,mustcausepain,butthemostpainisonthesurfaceofbareskin wherethenervesarelocated.Asurfacestingwillcausesufficientpain,withnoinjuryorbruising.Selectyour instrumentaccordingtothechild'ssize.Fortheunderoneyearold,alittle,tentotwelveinchlong,willowy branch(stripedofanyknotsthatmightbreaktheskin)aboutoneeighthinchdiameterissufficient. Sometimesalternativeshavetobesought.Aonefootruler,oritsequivalentinapaddle,isasufficient alternative.Forthelargerchild,abeltorlargertreebranchiseffective. ACAUTIONTORECIPIENTSOFTHEMILLSTONEAWARD Therearealwayssomewhoactintheextreme.Suchcouldusewhathasbeensaidaboutthelegitimateuse oftherodtojustifyongoingbrutalitytotheirchildren.Icanthinkofseveralrightnow.Theseabusersoftheir childrenwouldnotintheleastviewthemselvesassuch.Theywouldcallthemselves"strongdisciplinarians." "Butwhososhalloffendoneoftheselittleoneswhichbelieveinme,itwerebetterforhimthatamillstone werehangedabouthisneckandthatheweredrownedinthedepthofthesea(Matt.18:6)." FORMSOFABUSE Onlyafewparentsarecategoricallyabusive.But,manyparentssometimesgiveintoanabusivemanneror employabusivemethods.Thechildisrebellious.Theparentsuddenlylosesitandscreamsout.Likea whirlwind,thechildissnatchedupbythearmandgivenseveralbangsonthebottom.Theparent'seyes burn.Thebrowhardens.Thepulseratesoars.Angeristhebestwordtodescribethefeelings.Smash! Subdue!"YouwilldowhatIsay.Youarenotgoingtodothistomelittlegirl."Redfaced,musclestensed. Anyonelookingonthefaceoftheparentwouldthinktherewasawaron. Therodshouldnotbeaventfortheparent'sanger.Inthedailyrunoflife,manypeoplegenerallyexperience angerandfeeltheneedtostrikeout.Thereisnoplaceforthatselfishvindictivestreakinthedisciplineof children.Wherethechild'sgoodisnotthesuprememotivation,therewillbeproblems. Iamashamedtosaythat,inmostcases,therodisadministeredattheendofanintolerancecurve.The averageparents(Averageparentsendupwithaveragechildrenthewrongendofthescale)arequite predictableintheir"discipline"reactions.Theygothroughseveral"warmup"exercisestobecome sufficientlyangrytogenerateretaliationagainstthechild. COMMONSCENARIO "Johnny,stopclimbingonthestool.Youcouldbreaksomething.DidyouhearwhatIsaid?Iamnotgoingto tellyouagain.Whatdoyoumean,'No?'NowyoudowhatItellyoutorightnow.DOYOUHEAR ME?!!GEEETTDOWNNN!!!IhavehadaboutallIamgoingtotakefromyou.Whyareyoualwaysso hardheaded?Youaredrivingmecrazy!ThisisabsolutelythelasttimeIamgoingtotellyou... "GETDOWN!!!"Thenshetellhimseveralmoretimes. Atthispointitisacompetitionbetweentheemotionallydisturbedmotherandthelittleboy.Acauldronof angerandresentmenthasbuiltupinthismotherthatismomentarilyatanearkillingrage.Itistheexact feelingsthat,ingreaterproportions,andinthelessrestrained,leadtomurderdozensoftimeseveryday.Her hostilitygushesforth.Likeastrikingsnakeherarmbecomesabunglecordyankingthechildfromthestool, swinginghimscreamingthroughtheair.Withtheotherbarehandshestrikesoutathisbottominawildspray offlathandedkaratechops.Thegyratingchild,hislittleshouldernearlydislocated,screamshisprotestof defiance.Themotherhasventedherangerandisreadytoresumeherroutine.Thechildgoesofftoplothis nextescapade.Thishasnomoreresemblancetodisciplinethanaplaygroundfight. Oncetheparent'sfeelingsofpersonalinjuryareexpelledthroughthisactofviolence(that'swhatitisinthe casedescribed)andthekidfleesfromsight,orappearssufficientlysubduednottocausetheparentmore trouble,theparentissatisfied."Forgetthekid.HewillnotcauseMEanymoretroubleforawhile."Atruly concernedparentisgoingtopatientlyinstructthechildforhisowngood.Therodmustbeaccompaniedby reproofinordertogivewisdom.Byreproof,wedon'tmeanrantingandraving. Itisthisveryknowledgeoftheirownlackofselfcontrolthatconstrainssomeparentsfromeverusingthe rod.Theirownlifeissooutofcontrolandfilledwithguiltthattheyrecognizetheirinabilitytobeobjective

casedescribed)andthekidfleesfromsight,orappearssufficientlysubduednottocausetheparentmore trouble,theparentissatisfied."Forgetthekid.HewillnotcauseMEanymoretroubleforawhile."Atruly concernedparentisgoingtopatientlyinstructthechildforhisowngood.Therodmustbeaccompaniedby reproofinordertogivewisdom.Byreproof,wedon'tmeanrantingandraving. Itisthisveryknowledgeoftheirownlackofselfcontrolthatconstrainssomeparentsfromeverusingthe rod.Theirownlifeissooutofcontrolandfilledwithguiltthattheyrecognizetheirinabilitytobeobjective andfairindiscipline.Theirunwillingnesstorepentandbringtheirownlifeintobalancewillcausethechildren tosufferfromalackoftheproperadministrationoftherod. Oneofthemarksoftheunbalanceduseoftherodisthelackofaccompanyinginstruction."Therodand reproofgivewisdom(Prov.29:15)."Wherethereisjustaventingoftheparent'sanger,therewillbeno careful,patient,concernedreproof.Therodshouldbeviewedasanaidtoinstruction,inthatitreinforces reproof,notasthelastresortofafrustratedsuperiorforce.Reproofwithouttherodisequallyunbalanced. CHAPTER7 PhilosophyoftheRod THETEACHINGROD ThegrowthofachildunderthetutorshipoftheparentsistimespentinGod'smoralworkshopbeingfitted forheavenlycitizenship.Asthechilddevelops,theparentsshouldaccuratelyrecapitulatethemoral governmentofourHolyGod.Therodistheparents'maintangibleaidtobringthechildtounderstandthe judgmentofGodandeventuallythegraceofGod. Tothesmallchild,thefatherandmotheraretheguardiansofalllaw,theprotectorsoftruthandthe dispensersofpunishmentandreward.Theparentsareawindowthroughwhichthechildgetshisfirst impressionsofthefoundationprinciplesofDivinegovernment.Ifyoumakerulesanddonotrespectthem enoughtoenforcethem,youwillbemakingastatementaboutlawingeneral.Yourresponsesto transgressionsarestageplayingtheresponsesofGod.Byapplicationoftherodtheywillunderstandtheir accountabilitytoGod.Unlessalltransgression,rebellionandmeannessofspiritbetreatedasGodtreatssin, thechild'sworldviewwillbefalse. Themilitaryusesrealbulletsintrainingthementoavoidenemyfire.Replacingtherodwithhollowthreats wouldbetoyourchildrenlikereplacinglivebulletswithfirecrackers.Itwouldgetthemenkilledlateron. Therefore,theproperuseoftherodisindispensabletoacompleteworldview,fortherodcompletesthe conceptoflawandaccountability.Iftemporalauthoritiesdonothonorthelawenoughtoenforceitwith punishments,howcouldthechildbelievethegreateternalauthoritywillbeanydifferent? THEFEAROFGOD Achildmusttakeseriouslythemorallaw."ThefearoftheLORDisthebeginningofwisdom(Prov.9:10)." Indefiningtherootofsin,Paulsaid,"ThereisnofearofGodbeforetheireyes(Rom.3:18)."Theproper useoftherodteachesawholesomefear.Donotfallvictimtothemodernrewritingof"fear"as"respect." ForJesussaid,"ButIwillforewarnyouwhomyeshallfear.'Fearhim,whichafterhehathkilledhathpower tocastintohell,'yea,Isayuntoyou,Fearhim(Luke12:5)."TheScripturemakesadistinctionbetween honor,love,andfear:"Honourallmen.Lovethebrotherhood.FearGod.Honourtheking."(1Pet.2:17) Thoughwedon'thave"thespiritoffear,"wewhounderstandeternityfeartobeinoppositiontothe "Avenger"ofallevil.Remember,youarepreparingyourchildforreallivinginarealworldandtofaceareal Godinarealjudgmentofrealaccountabilitytoarewardinarealeternity.Thisisnogametherewardsare great,thelosstoohorribleforaparentnottomakethistoppriority. UNDERSTANDINGGRACE TheendaChristianhasinviewisnotjustsubmissiontotheruleoflaw,butthatthechildshouldunderstand thegraceofGod.Onlythroughthenakedswordofthelawdoweunderstandgrace.Whiteisinvisibleuntil itisplacedagainstadarkbackdrop.Thelawis"ourschoolmastertobringusuntoChrist(Gal.3:24)."God couldnotshowHimselfonMountCalvaryuntilHefirstshowedHimselfonMountSinai. Bystrictlyenforcingtherulesofthehouseholdthroughlegislation,accountabilityandpunishment,younot onlyteachthemtofearandrespecttheLawgiver,butyoucreateopportunitiestodemonstrategrace.What asacredresponsibility! Havingclarifiedsomeimportantissuesontheapplicationandphilosophyoftherod,letusreturntoour discussionontraining. CHAPTER8 SelectiveSubjection IDON'THAVETOOBEYYOU Oneveryirritatinghabitofsomechildrenistheirtendencytowardselectivesubjection.Haveyouever attemptedtocorrectachild,onlytobeimpudentlytold,"YouarenotmyMother,youcan'ttellmewhatto do?"(Mostlikely,themothercan'ttellhimwhattodoeither.)Thatresponsedemonstratesthatregardlessof

CHAPTER8 SelectiveSubjection IDON'THAVETOOBEYYOU Oneveryirritatinghabitofsomechildrenistheirtendencytowardselectivesubjection.Haveyouever attemptedtocorrectachild,onlytobeimpudentlytold,"YouarenotmyMother,youcan'ttellmewhatto do?"(Mostlikely,themothercan'ttellhimwhattodoeither.)Thatresponsedemonstratesthatregardlessof thechild'sobediencetohisparents,downinsideheistotallyrebellious.Heisnotunderauthority. Ifthechildperceivedsomedeviousintentonthepartoftheadultandwasresistingabductionorsomething akintoit,suchboldnesswouldbeinorder.Butdon'tdeludeyourselfintobeingproudofyourchild'sactions asifitwasloyaltyorcaution.Itisrebellion,whichisasthe"sinofwitchcraft."Evenwhenanotherchild,out ofregardfortheright,cautionshisfellowmate,thereshouldbesubjection. Thereisbynatureineverychildaninnateawarenessofcommondutytothe"goodofbeing"ingeneral.This unwrittencodeisexpressedwhenonesmallchildsaystoanother,"Yououghtnotdothat."Theconscience thatisnotyetsearedisconstantlyappealingforconformitytothisinnatestandard.Whenachildrebels againstthejustrebukesofhispeers,heisnotjustrebellingagainsthispeers,butagainstthe"ruleoflaw"in general.No,thechildisnotconscious(neitheraremostadults)ofa"ruleoflaw."Hemaynotevenknow whattheword"rebellion"means,butheisnonethelessfunctioningexactlyasanadultfunctionswhenina stateofrebellion.Thechildisviolatinghisownconscience.Heissufferingguilt.Heisbuildingabarrierof pride,selflove,andwillbecomeselfloathing.Achildencouragedorpermittedtothuscontinueisdestined tomoraldestruction. THEOLDERSISTER Mytwoyoungestdaughters,whennineandelevenyearsold,wereentertainingsomechildrenwewere keeping.Atwoyearoldgirlpickedupanitemthatwasofflimits.Heroldersister,fourteen,toldhershe couldn'tplaywithitandproceededtotakeitaway.Thechildthrewascreamingfit.(Thatwashernormal approachinpayingbackherparentstheyconsideredsuchbehaviornormal). Mynineyearold,amazedatthisbizarrebehavior,cameandtoldhermother.Deb,uponinvestigating, foundthelittlegirlwasmadatherbigsisterwhomsheconsideredtohavenojurisdictionoverherbehavior. Thefourteenyearoldadmittedshewasnotallowedtodisciplineherlittlesister.Mywifeimmediatelysetup atrainingsession.Shetooktheforbiddenobjectandplaceditbackonthefloorinfrontofthechild.You maysay,"Butthatistemptingthechild!"DidnotGoddothesameforAdamandEve? Thechildimmediatelystoppedcrying,intriumphlookedathersisterandreachedfortheobject.Debsaid, "No,youcan'thaveit."Whenthechildgrabbeditanyway,Deb,saying'"No,"spattedherhandwithalittle switchandlefttheobjectwithininchesofthechild'sgrasp.Withtheobjectnotbeingplacedoutofher reach,sheassumeditwasstillwithinlimits.Whensheagainreached,shereceivedaspatandacalm command.Afteroneortwomoretimesthechildlearnedherlesson. Debthenhandedtheobjecttotheoldersisterandtoldhertoplaceitinfrontofthechildandtellher"No." Asthefourteenyearoldextendedtheobjecttothechild,shereachedout,onlytojerkherhandbackwhen told"No."Theforbiddenobjectwasthenleftonthefloorinthemiddleoftheplayroomwhere,without touchingit,sheplayedaroundittherestoftheday.Thelittlegirlwhohadpreviouslymadeeveryone miserablebyherdemandswascheerfulandcongenialtherestoftheday. KEEPINGREBELLIONALIVE Toallowyourchildatimeofrebellionandselfwill,whetheritbearoundtheotherparent,grandparents, olderbrotherorsister,babysitterorpeers,istoallowrebellionandselfwilltostayalive.Theseedsof rebellionwillalwaysbetheretocometofruitionwhentheexternalpressuresarelessened.Youmaybe controllingtheiroutwardactions,butyouarenotbuildingcharacter. InafamilysubmittedtothelightofGod,thechildrenshouldbeinsuchgeneralsubmissiontotheunderstood principleofconductthattheyaresubmissivetogiveandreceiverebukefromoneanother.Inthechurch,we areallaccountabletooneanother.Itshouldbesointhehome. Furthermore,theolderchildrenwillbemoreresponsiblewhengivenresponsibilitywiththeyoungerchildren. Andwhataloadittakesoffthemother!Theyoungerchildrenarealwaysallowedacourtofappeal.Ifthe olderchildabuseshisorherauthority,itisagraveoffense.Theyoungerchildrensoonlearnthattomakean unfoundedclaimagainsttheolderchild'sdisciplineistoreceivedoublediscipline.Theresponsibilitygivento theolderchildisvaluabletraining.Italsolessenstensions,sincetheolderchildisnotlefthelplessinthe presenceofanunrestrainedlittlebrotherorsister. BLESSEDMOTHER,HAVEMERCY AnumberoftimesIhaveobservedthedifficultsituationwhereoneparent(usuallythelesssentimental father)isfirmintrainingforobedience,buttheother(usuallythemother)givesintosympathyandisslackto demandinstantobedience.Duringthedaywhilethefatherisaway,themotherbegs,nags,threatens,and afterawhilebecomessufficientlyangrytoimpressuponthechildrentheneedtoyieldtemporary compliance. Thefathercomeshomefromworkandissoonconfrontedwiththerebellionanddisobedienceofhis children.Whenhespanksthechildren,theywailcriesofinjustice.Theemotionallyweakmothersosuffers fromseeingherbabies"abused"bythis"stranger"invadingtheirdomainthat,infrontofthechildren,she stepsintochallengehisjudgments.Thechildrensoonlearnhowtoplaythemother'semotionsagainstthe father's"justice."Asthemotherbecomesmoreandmorecriticalofthefatherandprotectiveofthechildren, thechildrenbecomeliarsandlearntomanipulatethecontentiousadults. Thefatherseesthatheislosingcontrolandbearsdownharderonthechildren.Themother,attemptingto

children.Whenhespanksthechildren,theywailcriesofinjustice.Theemotionallyweakmothersosuffers fromseeingherbabies"abused"bythis"stranger"invadingtheirdomainthat,infrontofthechildren,she stepsintochallengehisjudgments.Thechildrensoonlearnhowtoplaythemother'semotionsagainstthe father's"justice."Asthemotherbecomesmoreandmorecriticalofthefatherandprotectiveofthechildren, thechildrenbecomeliarsandlearntomanipulatethecontentiousadults. Thefatherseesthatheislosingcontrolandbearsdownharderonthechildren.Themother,attemptingto provideabalance,becomesevenmoreslackandthegulfbetweenthemwidens.Thechildrenarethebig losers. OneparentshouldNEVERcorrectorquestiontheother'sjudgmentinthepresenceofthechildren.Itis betterforyourchildifyousupportanoccasionalinjusticethantodestroytheauthoritybasethroughyour opendivision.Weseethismanifestedwhenachildthatisbeingdisciplinedbythefatherbeginstopleadfor hismother.Whenachildrunstothemother,themothershouldtakeupthedisciplineasforcefullyasthe father.Ifafatherisattemptingtomakeachildeathisoats,andthechildcriesforhismother,thenthemother shouldrespondbyspankinghimforwhiningforherandfornoteatinghisoats.Hewillthenbegladtobe dealingonlywiththefather. Webrokethistendencytoselectivesubjectionearly.Whenoneofuswouldbespankingachildandhe criedfortheother,thentheotherparentwouldcomeoverandcontributetothespanking.Twoorthree timesofthatandachilddecidesthatoneisenough. Afterachildhasbeenspanked,heshouldnotbeallowedtofleetotheotherparentforsympathy.Itis importantthathefindhissolaceintheonewhodidthespanking.WhenGodchastensus,itistodrawusto himself,nottocauseustoturntoanother. Mother,ifyouthinkthefatheristooforcefulinhisdiscipline,thereissomethingyoucando.Whileheis awaydemand,expect,trainforanddisciplinetoreceiveinstantandcompleteobediencefromyourchildren. Whenthefathercomeshomethehousewillbepeacefulandwellordered.Thechildrenwillalwaysobey theirfather,givinghimnoneedtodisciplinethem. CHAPTER9 TrainingExamples STRIKINGOUT Asmywifewascounselingwithayoungmother,Iwatchedamostamazingsceneunfold.Thefirstoftwo children(atwoyearold),uponfailingtogetattention,pickedupaplastictoywrenchandbegantopound hismother'sarm.Occasionally,hewouldreachupandpokeherintheface.Thiswasnotnewbehavior.We hadpreviouslyobservedthese"wayofCain"actsofviolenceperpetratedonthelittlebrotheraswellason themother.Onapreviousdaymywifeobservedhimtakingatricyclewheelandslammingitdownonhis mother'sfoot.Shewouldcryout,"Johnny(Thenamehasbeenchangedtoprotecttheguiltymother),that hurtsMother."And,inawhiningvoice,"Don'thurtyourMother."Wham!!Downgoesthetricyclewheelon herfootagain."Stopit,thathurts!"I'lltellyouwhathurts.Ithurtstoseeamotherabuseherchildbydoing nothingwhileherresponsesaremakingacriminaloutoflittleJohnny. Well,onthisoccasionitwouldturnoutdifferently.Asthetalkcontinued,littleJohnnygottiredofassaulting hismotherandturnedonmywife.Afterthefirstblow,almostwithoutdivertinghereyesfromthemother, andwithnochangeofexpression,shepickedupamatchingplastictoy.Thiswasnottofightback,butto train.Themotheristheonewhowouldmostbenefitfromwhatwasabouttooccur.AslittleJohnnydrove homethenextblow,swiftlyandwithmorethanmatchingforce,mywifestruck.Suchsurprise!Whatisthis littleJohnnyfeelscomingfromhisarm?Pain!Andsomehowitisassociatedwiththestrikingofthistoy. Again,Johnnystrikes.Again,swift,retribution(trainingreally).Johnnyisverytoughso,thoughhedidn'tcry, hepulledbackhispainedarmandexamineditcarefully.Youcouldseethelittlementalcomputerworking. Asiftotesthisnewtheory,again,butwithlessforce,hestruck.Theimmediatelyreturnedblowwasnot diminishedinstrength.Thistime,Ithoughthewouldcry.No,afterlookingathismother,asiftosay,"What isthisnewthing?"heagain,andwithevenlessforce,struckmywifeonthearm.Iwasthinking,"Shewill lightenupthistimeandmatchhisdiminishedintensity."Again,mywifestruck,seemingly,withalltheforce shecouldpossiblymusterwithoutstandingforawindup. Nowyoumaywonderwhatthemotherwasdoingallthistime.Believeitornot,thetwowomenhad continuedtotalk,mywife,asifallwasnormal,themother,withafacialexpressiondividedbetweenwonder andmildalarm.Johnny,toughenoughforspecialforces,didoneofthosepained,cryingfacescoveredbya forcedsmile.Tomyamazement,withonefourththeoriginalforce,heagainsmackmywife.Thistime,her bottomcameoffthecouchasshedrewbacktoreturntheblowandIheardalittlekaratelikewheezecome fromsomewheredeepinside.IwashopingthatJohnnywasgettingclosetolearninghislesson.The conversationhadaboutdiedinanticipationoftheoutcome.JohnnymusthavehadaVikinglineage,forhe continuedtotradeblowsabouttentimes.OnJohnny'spart,theblowsgotlighterandlighteruntil,aftera shortcontemplativedelay,hegavealittletapthatwasreturnedwithaswift,forcefulblow.Heletthetoy wrenchlaylimpinhishandwhilehestudiedmywife'sface.Ithinkhewaspuzzledbytherelaxednon threateninglook.Hewasaccustomedtobeingarguedwithandthreatened.Hehadbeentrainedtoexpect buildingantagonismtoprecedeconfrontation.Mywifeneverevenspoketohim,hardlylookedathim,and gaveafriendlysmilewhenshedid. Well,hewasalotsmarterthanthecatwholearnedtokeephistailoutfromundertherocker.Heturned awayfrommywife,shruggedhisshoulders,bouncedhislegs,smiled,examinedhisarmandlookedatthe wrenchstillinhishand.Icouldseeanideacomeintohisexperimentallittlehead.Heturnedtohismother andpoundedheronthearm.Assherubbedherarmandcried,"Johnneeeee,thathurrrrt!"mywifehanded

threateninglook.Hewasaccustomedtobeingarguedwithandthreatened.Hehadbeentrainedtoexpect buildingantagonismtoprecedeconfrontation.Mywifeneverevenspoketohim,hardlylookedathim,and gaveafriendlysmilewhenshedid. Well,hewasalotsmarterthanthecatwholearnedtokeephistailoutfromundertherocker.Heturned awayfrommywife,shruggedhisshoulders,bouncedhislegs,smiled,examinedhisarmandlookedatthe wrenchstillinhishand.Icouldseeanideacomeintohisexperimentallittlehead.Heturnedtohismother andpoundedheronthearm.Assherubbedherarmandcried,"Johnneeeee,thathurrrrt!"mywifehanded thewrenchtoher.ThenexttimeJohnnysmack,theyoungmothercourageouslyreturnedtheblow.Itonly tooktwoorthreetimestolearnhislessonforgood.Themotherwastheonebeingtaught.Ifsheremained consistent,Johnnywouldbeforeverbrokenofatendencytobeabully. Understand,theadults'useofthetoywrenchwasnotasubstitutefortherod.Thiswasnotdiscipline,but training.Thechildwascheerfullystrikingwiththetoy.Thoughfrustrated,hewasnotangryormean.Had thatbeenthecase,hismedicinewouldhavebeentherod.Thereturnedblowswereteachinghimthatwhat hewasdoingwaspainfulandundesirable.Hewasalsobeingtaughtthattherewereotherswhocouldgiveit outbetterthanhe.Mostlittlebulliesarecuredbymeetingabiggerbully.Childrenlearnnottopickupwasps bypickingupone. WhatishardforsometobelieveisthattheresultsofthatencounterendearedmywifetolittleJohnny.He seemstoloveherdearlyanddemandstobepickedupwhensheisnear.Childrenarecomfortablearound someonewhohascontroloftheirownemotions,andwithwhomtheyknowtheirlimitations.Sincethis experienceandfurthercounseling,themotherandthechildareshowinggreatimprovement. THELITTLEFOXESSPOILTHEVINES Wejustreturnedfromhavingsupperwithsomegoodneighbors.Theyareafineyoungcouplewhoarejust beginningtheirfamily.Theyarekindparents,concernedtoreartheirchildrenproperly.Theywouldneverbe guiltyofabuseorneglect.Theirchildrenaretheirpriority.But,aswesattalking,Iwasonceagainreminded thatitisthelittle"insignificant"thingsthatdetermineachild'scharacter. Thelittlethreeyearoldboywasbetweenusplayingwithalittlerubberbathtubtypeanimal.Heapparently discoveredtherewasstillsomewaterinit,soheheldtherubbergoatoverthetableandbegantosqueeze. Tothedelightofeveryone,andespeciallytheboy,thegoatbegantorelieveitselfonthecoffeetable.Aftera goodlaugh,themotherwenttothekitchenforatowel. Whensheattemptedtowipeitup,thelittlefellowsaid,"No,"andtriedtopreventherfromremovinghis waterpuddle.Sheeasilybrushedhimasideandwipedthepuddleaway.Hegaspedanangryandfrustrated protest,threwhimselfonthecouchandcried.Thecrywasnotloudanddidnotlastfivesecondsbeforehe jerkedaroundwithprotrudedliptoseewhatotherentertainmentwasavailable.Itwasalloverinten seconds. Theconversationresumedasheperformedthefirstofaseriesofdeliberatetransgressions.Heclimbedonto thecoffeetablewhichisalwaysofflimitsandthensoughtoutotherexpressionsofdefiance.Afterabout thefifthcommand,hewouldceaseandgotothenexttransgression.Theconversationcontinuedwithonlyan occasionallapsewhilehewasbeingrebuked.Thisisexactlythekindofissuethatdemandsconcentrated traininganddiscipline.Toignoreit,astheydid,istowasteyourchild. Whatdidthechildlearn?Helearnedthathismotherisbiggerthanheandcanforceherwilluponhim.This willresultinhisenforcinghiswilluponhisyoungerbrother.Helearnedthathedoesnothavetoexercise selfcontrol.Anythingthatheisbigenoughtoaccomplishisfairgame.Theangerthatwasallowedtoseethe inhisheartledtorebellion.Thoughtheparentswereunawareofit,hissubsequentactionsweretheproduct ofhisdefiledheart. THEPROPERRESPONSE Theproperresponsewouldhavegonesomethinglikethis:"Johnny,hereisarag,cleanupyourmess.""No, Idon't'wanna'."Andhecontinuestodabbleinthewater,sortofrockingbackandforthwithoneshoulder andthechindown,nottooearnestlyinvolvedinthewater,yetwaitingtoseeifthemotherisgoingtolethim be.Rebellionisinhisheartbuthefacesasuperiorpower,sohehesitates.Sheagainsays,"Johnny,clean thewaterupnow."(Withmychildren,onecommandisalltheywouldget.)Ifheagainhesitates,shegoesfor herswitch.Ifhehurriedlyattemptstoavertaswitchingbycleaningthewater,itwillmakenodifference.She returnswiththeswitch,andsittinginfrontofhim,says,"Johnny,Itoldyoutowipeupthewater,andyou hesitated,thereforeIamgoingtohavetospankyousoyouwillnothesitatethenexttimeMamawantsher boytogrowuptobewiselikeDaddy,soIamgoingtohelpyoutoremembertoobey.Leanoverthe couch.Putyouhandsdown.Now,don'tmoveorIwillhavetogiveyoumorelicks." Shethenadministersabouttenslow,patientlicksonhisbarelegs.Hecriesinpain.Ifhecontinuestoshow defiancebyjerkingaroundanddefendinghimself,orbyexpressinganger,thenshewillwaitamomentand againlecturehimandagainspankhim.Whenitisobviousheistotallybroken,shewillhandhimtheragand verycalmlysay,"Johnny,cleanupyourmess."Heshouldverycontritelywipeupthewater.Totestand reinforcethismomentofsurrender,givehimanothercommand."Johnny,gooverandputyourtoysallback inthebox."Or,"Johnny,pickupallthedirtyclothesandputtheminthebasket."Afterthreeorfourfaithfully performedactsofobedience,bragonhow"smart"ahelperheis.Fortherestoftheday,hewillbehappy andcompliant.Thetransformationisunbelievable. Youhavejustwitnessedthepotentialmakingofapeacefulhomeandofanemotionallystableandobedient child.Ifyouarefaithfultoguardagainstandrewardeveryinfraction,whetherinattitudeoraction,injusta fewdaysyouwillhaveaperfectlyobedientandcheerfulchild. IDON'THAVETHETIME Now,Iknowexactlywhatsomeofyouarethinking."But,Iampushedtothelimitnow.Idon'thavethe timetowatchandguardagainsteverytransgression."Ifyouhavedutiesoutsidethehomethatpreventyou

Youhavejustwitnessedthepotentialmakingofapeacefulhomeandofanemotionallystableandobedient child.Ifyouarefaithfultoguardagainstandrewardeveryinfraction,whetherinattitudeoraction,injusta fewdaysyouwillhaveaperfectlyobedientandcheerfulchild. IDON'THAVETHETIME Now,Iknowexactlywhatsomeofyouarethinking."But,Iampushedtothelimitnow.Idon'thavethe timetowatchandguardagainsteverytransgression."Ifyouhavedutiesoutsidethehomethatpreventyou fromproperlyrearingyourchildren,givethembacktotheDevil.Imeanthat,eveniftheyarechurch activities.Ifyouhavechildrenyourfirstcallingisthatofaparent.If,ontheotherhand,youareover extendedbecauseofachaotichousehold,thenyoucannotaffordtodootherthanbefaithfulindiscipline,for youneedtherestitwillbring. Justyesterday,ayoungmotherofsmallchildrencametothehouseandtoldmywifethisstory: "Thismorning,asIwassittingatthesewingmachine,myson[fouryearsold]cametomeandsaid,'Mother, Iloveyousomuch.'Istoppedsewing,lookedattheearnestexpressiononhisface,andsaid,'I'mgladyou loveme,forIloveyoutoo.Youaresuchafineboy.'AsIattemptedtoturnbacktothesewing,hesaid, 'DoyouknowwhyIloveyousomuch?''No,whydoyoulovemeso?''Because,youmakemebringin firewoodanddowhatyousay." Thismotheralwayslooksfreshandrested.Iknowthissoundspretentious,butitistheabsolutetruth.Evena fouryearoldcancomparehimselfwithotherchildrenandappreciatehisparents'guidance. ASWITCHATNAPTIMESAVESMINE Whenyourbabyistiredandsleepyenoughtobecomeirritable,don'treinforceirritabilitybyallowingthe causeandeffecttocontinue.Putthelittleonetosleep.Butwhatofthegrouchwhowouldrathercomplain thansleep?Gettough.Befirmwithhim.Neverputhimdownandthenallowhimtogetup.If,afterputting himdown,yourememberhejustwokeup,donotrewardhiscomplainingbyallowinghimtogetup.Forthe sakeofconsistencyintraining,youmustfollowthrough.Hemaynotbeabletosleep,buthecanbetrained tolietherequietly.Hewillveryquicklycometoknowthatanytimeheislaiddownthereisnoalternative buttostayput.Togetupistobeonthefiringlineandgetswitchedbackdown.Itwillbecomeaseasyas puttingaragdolltobed.ThosewhoareMOSTLYconsistentmustusetheswitchtoooften.Thosewhoare ALWAYSconsistentcometoalmostneverneedtheswitch. Theinfantisnotreasoningandreflectingonthebestwaytogethiswill.Thefirsttimehefindsdissatisfaction inbeinglaiddown,thewhimperingcomesnaturally.Ifthechild'sresponseisrewarded,youcanexpecta repeatofthewhimpering.Ifthechildisagainrewarded,theresponseofwhiningisfurtherreinforced.The parent'scavingintothechild'sdemandistrainingthechildtoacttheroleof"brat."Sincethiswhiningand cryingtogethiswayiseventuallygoingtoleadtothemotherbeingannoyedwiththechild,itisbetter, regardlessofthemother'sfeelings,tobreakthistendencybeforeitgetsrootedandbecomesapersonality habit. Justthink!Achildwhoneverbegs,whinesorcriesforanything!Wehaveraisedfivewhinelesschildren. Thinkoftheconvenienceofbeingabletolayyourchildrendownandsay,"Naptime,"andthenliedown yourself,knowingthattheywillallstillbequietlyinbedwhenyouwake. OBEDIENCE Onemother,whilereadinganearlymanuscriptofthisbook,wasbeingpulledonbyherwhiningtwelve montholddaughter.Whenthemothercametothepart(above)aboutnotallowingachildtowhine("Ifthey aretiredputthemtobed."),shedecidedtoapplywhatshewasreading.Sheputherdaughterdownand toldhertogotosleep.Thesleepychildrespondedbycryinginprotest.Followingthebook'sinstructions, shespankedthechildandtoldhertostopcryingandgotosleep.Thechildhadpreviouslybeentrainedto spendanhourintermittentlycryingandgettingup,onlytobefussedatandlaidbackdown.Nevertheless, thespankingsubduedthecryingandcausedhertoliestill.Themothercontinuedherreading,andaftera whileshelookeduptoseethatthechildhadveryquietlyslippedtothefloortobrowsethroughabook.The mothersmiledathowsweetandquietthechildwas.Withoutinterruption,shecontinuedherreading. Readingfurther,shecontemplatedthefactthatthechildhadnotobeyed."Butsheisbeingsogoodandis notbotheringme,"themotherthought.Shethenrealizedtheissuewasnotwhetherthechildwasbothering her,butwhetherornotshewaslearningtoobey.Sherightlyconcludedthatbyallowingthechildtoquietly sitontheflooratthefootofherbed,whereshewouldeventuallygotosleep,shewaseffectivelytrainingthe childtobeinrebelliontotheruleoflaw.Outofloveforherchild,themotherinconveniencedherselfand shatteredthequietsolitudebyspankingthechildandagaintellinghertostayinthebedandgotosleep.An hourlaterthewakingchildwascheerful. THREEYEAROLDMOTHER Theotherdayatourhouse,athreeyearoldlittlegirlwasplayingwithdolls.(Letmeinterject:Allchildren's dollsshouldbeBABYdolls,not"Barbie"dolls.Thefantasyarisingfromplayingwithbabydollscausesthe childtoroleplaymother.ThefantasyarisingfromBarbiedollscausesachildtoroleplayasexgoddess. "Asa[child]thinkethinhisheartsoishe(Prov.23:7)."Thislittlegirlwasroleplayingmother.Upuntil aboutayearago,shewasdisobedientandspoiled.Aftersomecounseling,theparentsstraightenedupon theirtraininganddiscipline.Todaysheisanideallittlegirl,alwaysobedientandcheerful.Whatwas interestingistherolesheassumedwithherbaby.Inherimaginationthebabystartedcryingafterbeinggiven acommand.Shescoldedherbaby,turnedheroverandspankedher.Shethenspokecomforting,reassuring wordsandpraisedherbabyforbeinggood.Sheperfectlymimickedtheloving,patienttoneandfirmnessof herownmother. Aswesneakedapeekattheproceedings,shecontinuedher"motherpractice"session.Severalsituations arosewithherragbabywhichshepromptlyandfirmlydealtwithlikeanoldpro.Infact,Icouldnothave handledthemakebelievesituationsanybetter.Shetoldthescreamingchild(aragdoll)."No!That'snot

acommand.Shescoldedherbaby,turnedheroverandspankedher.Shethenspokecomforting,reassuring wordsandpraisedherbabyforbeinggood.Sheperfectlymimickedtheloving,patienttoneandfirmnessof herownmother. Aswesneakedapeekattheproceedings,shecontinuedher"motherpractice"session.Severalsituations arosewithherragbabywhichshepromptlyandfirmlydealtwithlikeanoldpro.Infact,Icouldnothave handledthemakebelievesituationsanybetter.Shetoldthescreamingchild(aragdoll)."No!That'snot nice.Youcan'thaveitnow.Stopyourcrying.SWITCH,SWITCH.Ifyoudon'tstopcrying,Mamawill havetospankyouagain.SWITCH,SWITCH,SWITCH.OK,stopcryingnow.That'sbetter.Nowseeif youcanplayhappily." Hereisathreeyearold"mother"alreadypreparedtorearhappyobedientchildren.Sheknowsexactly whattoexpectfromhermother.And,whatisfurtheramazing,sheknowsexactlywhathermotherexpects fromher.Shedisciplinedherbabydollforattitudes,notactions.Thisthreeyearoldlittlegirlisanear finishedproduct.Thebattleiswon.Aslongastheparentsconsistentlymaintainwhattheyhavealready instilled,thechildwillneverbeanythingbutablessingandhelp. BEGGARSCAN'TBECHOOSERS AchildshouldNEVERwhineandbeg.Thisisaneasyhabittobreak.Neverrewardabeggar,andthe beggarwillgoaway.Inourhouse,theonesurewayofnotgettingyourdesirewastobegorwhine.We wentoutofourwaytonotrewardabeggingchild.Ifwehadpurchasedatreatforthechildren,andoneof thembecameimpatientandwhinedforitoraskedtwice,hewascertaintobeexcluded,evenifitmeant watchingtheotherchildreneattheicecreamhehadbeggedfor.IfIwaspreparingtopickupasmallchild andhewhinedtobepickedup,thenIdidnotpickhimupuntilhebecamedistractedeventhoughitmeant inconvenienceforme. Youmayenvisionsucharulebeingenforcedinyourhousetothetuneofconstantwailingsofinjustice.The verythoughtofitmaymakeyoufeellikeatyrant.Ifyougaveita99%consistenttry,youwouldnotbe satisfiedwiththeresults.Ifachildevergetshiswaythroughbeggingorwhining,hewilltryittentimesuntilit worksagain.Iftheexperienceprovestobecounterproductive,hewillsoonstopwastinghisenergyin fruitlesswhining.Whenbeggarscan'tchoose,theychoosenottobeg. THEHARDWAY Fortwoyearsafterourfirstchild,mywifewasunabletoconceivewhenshefinallydid,shehada miscarriage.Afterthreeyears,thelittlefellowwhosenamewehadpickedoutfiveyearsearlierwasfinally born.Ourfirstson!Mywifewaseversopossessive.Bytheageofone,hewassoattachedtoherthatIhad tosubmitarequestwellinadvanceifIwantedtospendsometimewithher.Wewereinnodangerofhaving anymorechildren.Hecouldnotbeleftwithababysitterunlessshewasblessedwithdeafness.Ididn't knowmuchaboutchildren,andthoughtthiswasjustastagethatwouldrunitscourse.Afriendwhohad moreexperienceasafatherwastheonetoshowusdifferent. Iguessthemenjusthadalltheycouldtakeofthistwoyearoldwiththeumbilicalcordstillattached.My wifewasthechild'swillingslaveuntilthatfatefuldayinApril.Icanstillseemyfriendwalkinguptothecar wherewewereunloadingatachurchouting.Withtheotherconspiratorsshadowedinthebackground,he cameuptomywife,reachedout,sweptGabrielawayandsaid,"I'lltakehim,"andwasgone. Icouldn'tunderstandwhathewantedwiththatbucking,screaming,desperatekidwhowasreachingback overhisshoulderpleadingwithhismothertorescuehim.Hisaccomplicesclosedinbehindhimasifto preventanyrescue.Isupposedthemisguidedfellowswouldsoonwanttoreturnhimlikeonewouldwantto returnacoldtoitsdonor. Tomywifeitwastheoppositeofgivingbirth.Shewasbeingweaned.Afteracoupleofhoursthe"trainer" camebackaroundwithanewGabriel,laughingandenjoyingthemen'scompany.Hedidn'truntohis motherorresumehiscrying. Toouramazement,fromthatmomentontheumbilicalcordwasdriedup,andwehadalittleboywhose worldwaslargerthanhismother'sarms.Ha!AndIhadmywifeback!Thenextboywassoonontheway, anddidnotcometobeanextensionofhismother'sselfimage. ASTHEWHEELTURNS Whenmywifebabysitsforthesaints,itisalwaysunderstoodtobeontheconditionwehavefulllibertyto disciplineandtrain.Wetrytoberealisticandusediscretionindeterminingwhatcanbeeffectively accomplishedinthetimeallotted.Weconsiderthechild'strustinus,hisorheracquaintancewithour technique,theparent'ssensitivityandthechild'semotionalstate. Ononeoccasion,Debwaskeepingamixedgroupofabouttenchildrenandbabies,allfromfourdifferent familiesattendingaseminar.Acouple'sfirstchild,aboutfifteenmonthsold,washighlyoverindulgedand showedit.Hehadbeentrainedtoexpectconstantcateringandpacifying.Asaresult,hewasamost demandingindividual.Hewasmissinghis"motherservant,"andwas"complainey"notjustthe:"I'msadand lonesome,won'tsomeoneloveme?"Hiscryingsaid:"I'mmadasallgetout.Thingsarenotgoingmyway. WhereismyMamaanyway?I'mgoingtomakeeveryonepayforthistreatment.Thiswillbeanighttheywill notwanttorepeat.I'llseetoit." Thechildrenwereallplacedatthetableforasnack.Afteracoupleofminutes,thelittlefellowbeganto pout.Hedidn'tliketheentreeorthecompany.Hegotdownandbegantocomplain.Givinghimmore leewaythanwewouldhaveoneofourown,mywifehandedhimapotatochipinwhichhehadpreviously showndelight.Truetohisattitude,hedefiantlythrewitonthefloor. Myeverpatientwife,whowasalsoquitebusy,pickedhimupandplacedhiminabig,softchair,handingto himabrightlycoloredrollerskate.Shetookamomenttoshowhimwhatfunitwastoholditupsidedown

Thechildrenwereallplacedatthetableforasnack.Afteracoupleofminutes,thelittlefellowbeganto pout.Hedidn'tliketheentreeorthecompany.Hegotdownandbegantocomplain.Givinghimmore leewaythanwewouldhaveoneofourown,mywifehandedhimapotatochipinwhichhehadpreviously showndelight.Truetohisattitude,hedefiantlythrewitonthefloor. Myeverpatientwife,whowasalsoquitebusy,pickedhimupandplacedhiminabig,softchair,handingto himabrightlycoloredrollerskate.Shetookamomenttoshowhimwhatfunitwastoholditupsidedown andturnthewheels."See,turnthewheels,"shesaid.Withdefiance,heturnedhisfaceaway.Thisotherwise sweetchildhaddeveloped(rathertheparentshaddeveloped)aselfishandrebelliousspirit.Iflefttohimself, hewill"bringhismothertoshame."Mywifealwayshadaspecialfondnessforthischild,andithurtherto seehimdevelopingsuchanastyattitude. Shedecideditwasshowdowntime.Sheignoredtheotherchildren,whowerehappilyinvestigatingand rearrangingeverythingonthetable,andquicklyobtainedherswitch(twelveincheslongandaboutthe diameterofasmallnoodle).Sheagainplacedtheskateinfrontofhimandgentlyandplayfullysaid,"Turn thewheel."Again,hedefiantlyturnedhisheadawaywhimpering.Sheagaindemonstratedthefunofrolling thewheelandrepeatedthecommand.Again,defiance. Thistime,beingassuredhefullyunderstoodittobeacommand,sheplacedhishandonthewheels, repeatedthecommand,andwhennoobediencefollowed,sheswitchedhisleg.Again,inamildbutfirm voiceshecommandedhimtoturnthewheel.Selfwilldieshard.Mywifebroughtotherchildrenoverto demonstratethefunofwheelturning.Pullinghishandasfarfromtheskateaspossible,hecoveredhisright handwithhisleftapparentlytoreinforcehisresolve,ortodemonstrateit. Afterabouttenactsofstubborndefiance,followedbytenswitchings,hesurrenderedhiswilltoonehigher thanhimself.Inrollingthewheel,hedidwhateveryaccountablehumanbeingmustdohehumbledhimself beforethe"highest"andadmittedthathisinterestsarenotparamount.Afteronebegrudgedroll,mywife turnedtootherchores. Afewminuteslatershenoticedhewasturningthewheelsandlaughingwiththeotherchildrenwithwhom hehadpreviouslyshownonlydisdain.Thesurlyattitudewasallgone.Initsplacewascontentment, thankfulnessandafellowshipwithhispeers.The"rod"hadliveduptoitsBiblicalpromise.Whentheparents wereinformedofthetransformation,theyintensifiedtheirtrainingprogram. CHAPTER10 SafetyTraining Sometraininghasnothingtodowithcharacterbuilding.Itjustkeepsyourchildaliveandhealthy.These illustrationsmaysoundharshtosome,butIhaveproven,alongwithmanyothers,thatthisapproachisboth effectiveandsafe. GUNSAFETY Beingahuntingfamily,wehavealwayshadgunsaroundthehouse.Withlittleones,wemadesuretokeep thegunsoutofreach.But,withthepossibilityoftheirsoonerorlatercomingincontactwithaloadedgun, wetrainedthemforsafety. Withourfirsttoddler,Iplacedanold,unusedandempty,singleshotshotguninthelivingroomcorner. Aftertakingthetoddlerthroughthe"No"saying,handswitchingsessions,theyknewgunswerealwaysoff limits.Everydaytheyplayedaroundthegunwithouttouchingit.Ineverhadtobeconcernedwiththeirgoing intosomeoneelse'shouseandtouchingagun.Ididn'tgunproofmyhouse,Igunproofedmychildren. HOTSTOVE Wehavealwayshadawoodburningstoveforcookingandheating.Toddlerscanbeseriouslyburnedbya redhotstove.Ihaveseensomeawfulscars.But,wehadnofear,knowingtheeffectivenessoftraining. Whenthefirstfiresoffallwerelit,Iwouldcoaxthetoddlerovertoseethefascinatingflames.Ofcourse, theyalwayswantedtotouch,soIheldthemoffuntilthestovegothotenoughtoinflictpainwithoutdeep burningtestingitwithmyownhand.Whentheheatwasjustright,Iwouldopenthedoorlongenoughfor themtobeattractedbytheflames.Ithenmoveaway.Thechildwouldinevitablyruntothestoveandtouch it.Justashishandtouchedthestove,Iwouldsay,"Hot!"Itusuallytooktwice,sometimesthreetimes,but theyalllearnedtheirlesson.Otherthanthetrainingsession,whereweneverevenraisedablister,wenever hadachildgetburned.Itwassoeffectivethat,thereafter,ifIwantedtoseethemdoabackflip,allIhadto dowassay,"Hot!!"Theywouldturnlooseofaglassoficedtea. SINKINGFEELING Whenourchildrenwerecomingalong,welivedinahousewithapondintheimmediateyard.Astheygrew tobetoddlerswanderingaroundoutside,wealwayswatchedthemclosely.Yet,knowingthepossibilityof onegettingoutofsight,wecrankedupthetraining.OnawarmspringdayIfollowedthefirstsetofwobbly legstotheinvitingwater.Sheplayedaroundtheedgeuntilshefoundawaytogetdownthebanktothe water.Istoodclosebyasshebentoverreachingintothemirrorofshiningcolor.Splash!Inshewent. Girl,itwascold.Irestrainedmyanxietylongenoughforhertorightherselfinthewaterandshowsome recognitionofherinabilitytobreathe.Whenpanicsetin(mineaswellashersnottomentionhermother's), Ipulledheroutandscoldedherforgettingclosetothepond.Shedidn'tswallowanywater,andtherewas noneedforresuscitationexceptonmywifewhotookseveralhourstobeginbreathingnormally.We repeatedthesameprocesswithallthechildren.Ittookonlyonetimeforeachofthemtolearnrespectfor thewater.Anditgoteasieronus.

Girl,itwascold.Irestrainedmyanxietylongenoughforhertorightherselfinthewaterandshowsome recognitionofherinabilitytobreathe.Whenpanicsetin(mineaswellashersnottomentionhermother's), Ipulledheroutandscoldedherforgettingclosetothepond.Shedidn'tswallowanywater,andtherewas noneedforresuscitationexceptonmywifewhotookseveralhourstobeginbreathingnormally.We repeatedthesameprocesswithallthechildren.Ittookonlyonetimeforeachofthemtolearnrespectfor thewater.Anditgoteasieronus. Wedidhavetroublewithoneofthem.Sheistheonewhobecamemobileearly,crawlingatfourmonthsand walkingatseven.Shealwayshadmarvelouscoordination.Shejustwouldn'tfallin.Igotwearytakingwalks tothepond.So,tobringtheclasstograduation,Ipushed.Oh,shedidn'tknowit.Asshewasbalanced overthewater,Ijustnudgedherwithmyfoot.Tothisday,IstillbelievethatifIhadleftheraloneshewould haveswumout.But,itdistressedherenoughtomakehernotwanttoplayaroundthepond. No,theydidn'tstaydistressedofthewater.Mychildrenwereallswimmingbythetimetheywerefour.We stillcloselywatchedthem,andweneverhadaclosecall.Thetrainingworked.Donottrythisunlessyouare surethatyoucanmaintainfullcontrolofallthecircumstances. GETOUTFAST Lastwinter,mytwogirls,nineandeleven,wereridingwithmeintheold4x4Armytruck.Thegravelroad wasbumpyandrough.WhenImadeastopatanintersection,Iheardthetwo,twelvevoltbatteries,which arelocatedrightbehindtheseats,shortoutandbegintoarc.Anexplosionofsprayingbatteryacidwas potentiallyimminent.Thegirlsunderstoodnoneofthis.However,whenIsaid(thistimeinaraisedvoice), "Getoutfast!"theydidn'task,"Why?"Iimmediatelygotoutonmysidetorunaroundandopentheirusually jammeddoor.AssoonasIclearedthedooronmyside,Ilookedovermyshouldertoseehowtheywere doing.Theyweregone.Thedoorwasstillclosed,andthewindow,whichalsosticks,wasonlyopenabout halfway.But,theywerenowhereinsight.WhenIgotaroundtotheotherside,theretheywerepiledupin thegravelroadrubbingsorehandsandknees."Howdidyougetout?"Iasked."Throughthewindow,"they chokedout."Headfirst?"Iasked."Yousaidgetoutfast,"wastheiraccusingreply. Myson,whowasdrivinganothertruckbehindme,said,"Ididn'tknowwhatwashappening.Suddenlythey bothcameflyingoutthewindowheadfirstandlandedintheroad."Ihadtrainedthemtojumpupon command.Theydid.Theremaycomeatimewhentheirsafetyorsurvivalwilldependoninstantobedience. "Duck!"or"Hitthedeck!"hassavedmorethanonelife. TRAINFORREALITY Theworldissometimesahostileplace.Achildmustlearnearlytotakeprecautions.Don'tgiveyourchilda modifiedsenseofreality.Teachthemaboutheightsandfalling,aboutguns,thedangerofknivesand scissors,thecautionofsharpsticksandcoathangerwires,theterroroffire,andthedangerofpoisonsand electricity.Schoolthem.Drillthem.Showthemexamples.Exposethemtodeaththedeathofapet,oran accidentvictim.Thismustbedonewithcalm,confidentreverence,notwithfear.Don'tbeexcessive.Oneor twoexamplestoathreeyearoldisenough.Controltheirenvironment,butdon'tshutoutreality.Expose themtoitataleveltheycancomprehendandataratesuitabletotheirmaturity.Thegoalistokeepthe trainingaheadoftheexternalassaultsandtohavethemworldlywisebythetimetheymustfaceitontheir own. SNAPTOIT! IamtheGeneral.MywifeismyaidandadviserthefirstincommandwhenIamabsent.Irule benevolently.Loveandrespectaremyprimarytoolsofpersuasion.Ilead,notcommandfromadistant bunker.MineknowthatIwilllaydownmylifeforthemconsequently,theywilllaydowntheirsforme. Theyfindjoyandprideinbeingpartoftheteam.Toinstantlyobeyacommandistheirpartoftheteam work.Indoingso,thehometeamrunssmoothlyandourcommonobjectivesaremet. Ihavetaughtthechildrentoobeyfirstandaskquestionslater.WhentheyweresmallandIputthemthrough paces,theylearnedtoimmediatelydowhatIsaid.Iftheyeverfailedtoinstantlyobeyacommand,Iwould "drill"them."Sitdown.Don'tspeakuntilItellyouto."Understand,Iwasnottakingoutfrustrations.Itwas alldoneintheutmostpleasantnessandusuallyevenfun."Standup,"Iwouldsay."Nowcomehere.Go touchthedoor."And,beforetheycouldgetthere,"Sit."Plop,downtheywouldgo."Now,gotoyour roomsandcleanthemup."Justlikelittle,proudsoldiers,offtheywouldgotothetask. Ifoneofthemshouldfailinhisattitude,hewouldbespankedwithouthasteorhostility,mindyou. Negligenceorclumsinesswasatimeforpatienceandgrace,butlazyrebellionwaspunishedwiththerod. Thismaysoundallcoldandharsh.Ihopeitdoesn'tforitwaswarm,friendly,loving,andproduced confident,calm,hardworking,loyalchildrenandadults.Inactuality,becauseofourconsistency,thechildren wereseldomspanked.Theysoonlearnedthateverytransgressionreceiveda"Justrecompenseofreward." Theyknew,withoutadoubt,thattoevendelayobediencemeantameetingwiththerod.Delayedobedience wasdealtwithasdisobedience.Suchfirmnesswithconsistencymakesforasenseofsecurity. Eventoday,withoutlookingatthechildren,Icansnapmyfinger,pointingtothefloor,andtheyall(including theonesoversixfeet)immediatelysit.Icanpointtothedoor,andtheyalltakeit.Whenavisitdevelops intoacounselingsession,Ihavegiventhegestureforthechildrentovacatetheroomandthecompanynever knewwhatpromptedeveryonetoleave.Teachyourchildrento"snaptoit."Theywillbebetterforit,andit willmakethemmorelovablewhichmakesformoreloving. CHAPTER11 PottyUntraining

willmakethemmorelovablewhichmakesformoreloving. CHAPTER11 PottyUntraining NOMOREDIAPERS OnamissionarytriptoCentralAmerica,wewereamazedbythepracticeoftheprimitiveMayaIndiansin notdiaperingtheirbabiespriortostuffingthemintoacarryingpouch.Theinfantsareallpottytrained.After experimentingonourownandafterfurtherobservation,wediscoveredthataninfantisbornwithan aversiontogoingintheir"nests."Theparents"untrain"thembyforcingthemtobecomeaccustomedtogoing intheirpants.Itisinstinctiveinachildtoprotestabowelmovement.Hekicks,stiffensandcomplains.Being sensitivetothewarningsigns(afterhavingchanged17,316diaperswiththefirstthree),mywifetriediton ournewarrivals.Whenshesensedthatthechildwasaboutto"go,"shewouldgotothetoiletandplacethe bareinfantagainstherbarelegsinaspreadlegsittingposition.Atfirst,alittlestreamofwarmwaterwould provokethestartofanimpending"tinkle."Asthechildbeganurinating,shewouldsay,"PeePee."Onother occasions,ifshemissedthesignsandabowelmovementwasinprogress,shewouldrushthechildtothe bathroomtofinishonthetoilet,whileoccasionallysaying,"DoDo."Evenifthechildwasthroughwithhis elimination,shestillsethimonthepotinordertoreinforcethetraining.Hecametoidentifythesoundwith themusclefunction.Theybecomesowelltrainedtothevoicecommandthatyoumustbecarefulnottosay thewordsatthewrongtime. Now,somedisbelievingmothershavesaid,"Youaretheonewhoispottytrained,notthebaby."Justasa motherknowsherbabyishungryorsleepy,shecantellifhewantstogopotty.Athreeweekoldbabyis doingallhecantocommunicate. Mymotherinlawwasequallyskepticaluntilthedaymywifesaidtoher,"Stopatthenextstation,thebaby wantstogopotty."Inaminute,whenDebcameoutwithathoroughlyrelievedthreemonthold,mymother inlawwasconvinced. Forawhile,ourbathroombecametheendofapilgrimageforthoseseekingfaithininfantpottytraining. Manyatimeourredfaced,infantgirlslookeduptoseeagreatcloudofamazedwitnessesexpectantly hoveringinourlargebathroom. Understand,thechildisnotmadetositforlongperiodsoftimewaitingtopotty.Thereisnodiscomfortfor thechild.Aninfantsoonbecomesaccustomedtobeingregulatedtoabouteverytwohours,oraccordingto sleepingandeatingintervals.Manyothershavealsobeensuccessfulintrainingtheirinfants. AHOSEWHENHEGOES Agoodfriendandneighborhadabigthreeyearoldboywhowouldsitoutsidedrivingnailswithahammer anddumpinginhisdiaper.Isuggesteditwastimetohaveamantomantalkwiththekidaboutthe environmentalimplicationsofmakingsuchlargecontributionsofplastictothecitydump.Thefather explainedthathedidnotwanttocauseguiltorstifletheyoungman'spersonality.Iwellunderstoodhis concerns,forIhaveseendistraught,impatientparentsdoingemotionaldamagetotheirchildrenthrough verbalabuse.So,Isuggestedatrainingexercise. First,Ipointedoutthattheboy'smother,busywiththeotherchildren,would,severaltimesaday,pickup thisbigkid,talksweettohim,layhimonabed,takeoffthedirtydiaper,wipehimwithawarmrag,ruba littlelotiononthechaffedspotsandthenputafresh,smoothdiaperonhim.Dumpinginhispantswasan opportunitytogethismother'sundividedattention.Now,weunderstandthatthereisnoguiltorblameinthis matter,especiallyonthechild'spart,butthereissomethingquiteinconvenientexceptforthekidwholoved theexperienceandmusthavefounditthehighlightofhisday. So,mysuggestionwasthatthefatherexplaintotheboythat,nowthathewasaman,hewouldnolongerbe washedinthehouse.Hewastoobigandtoostinkytobecleanedbythebabywipes.Fromnowon,he wouldbewashedoutsidewithagardenhose.Thechildwasnottobeblamed.Thiswastobeunderstood asjustaprogressivechangeinmethods.Thenextdump,thefathertookhimoutandmerrily,andmightI say,carelessly,washedhimoff.Whatwiththeautumnchillandthecoldwellwater,Idon'trememberifit tookasecondwashingornot,but,aweeklater,thefathertoldmehissonwasnowtakinghimselftothe pot.Thechildweighedthealternativesandoptedtochangehislifestyle.Sincethen,severalothershavebeen therecipientsofmymeddling,anditusuallytakesnomorethanthreecheerfulwashings. MANYSWEETRETURNS Onelittlethreeyearolddiaperdumper,whenwatereddownwithahose,lookedrathershocked,grittedhis teeth,andthenadjustedtotheinconvenience.Whenitbecamecleartotheparentsthattheyhadatough, resolutemartyrontheirhands,andunderstandingtheprinciples,theysoughtanothersolution.While continuingthehosings,themotherrealizedthat,partlyduetoherattitudetowardwhatsheknewtobeher lastchild,thelittlefellowjustdidn'twanttogrowup.Heenjoyedbeingthebabyasmuchassheenjoyedit. Theseparents,consciousoftheirchildren'snutritionalneeds,donotprovidethemwithmanysweets.The rareoccasionwhentheydoisarealtreat.ThislittlefellowwasaSpartanwhenitcametobodily discomforts,buthesuredidlovethesweets.Thewisemothercheerfullysaidtotheboy,"Son,Motherhas decidedthatyouarejustnotoldenoughtobeeatingsweets,sountilyougetalittlebiggerandstoppottying inyourclothes,youwillnotbeallowedanythingsweet."Foraweekheseemedtobeasmonkishaboutthe sweetsashewasthehose.ThenthedayforFrenchtoastcamearound.Noteatingsyrup,theywere allowedoneteaspoonofpowderedsugarpertoast.Afterwatchingtheotherchildrenreceivetheir powderedsugar,theforlornfellowsaidtomama,"IsuredolikepowderedsugaronmyFrenchtoast.""I knowyoudo,"shesaid,"butyouarenotoldenoughyet."AfterhisdeprivedbreakfastofplainFrenchtoast, heclimbeddown,walkedaroundtohismother,andwithallthesobernessofonemakingarevolutionary, lifetimedecision,heannounced,"Mother,Iamreadytostopwearingadiaper.Takeitoff."Thatwasit.

decidedthatyouarejustnotoldenoughtobeeatingsweets,sountilyougetalittlebiggerandstoppottying inyourclothes,youwillnotbeallowedanythingsweet."Foraweekheseemedtobeasmonkishaboutthe sweetsashewasthehose.ThenthedayforFrenchtoastcamearound.Noteatingsyrup,theywere allowedoneteaspoonofpowderedsugarpertoast.Afterwatchingtheotherchildrenreceivetheir powderedsugar,theforlornfellowsaidtomama,"IsuredolikepowderedsugaronmyFrenchtoast.""I knowyoudo,"shesaid,"butyouarenotoldenoughyet."AfterhisdeprivedbreakfastofplainFrenchtoast, heclimbeddown,walkedaroundtohismother,andwithallthesobernessofonemakingarevolutionary, lifetimedecision,heannounced,"Mother,Iamreadytostopwearingadiaper.Takeitoff."Thatwasit. Fromthatmomenton,hetookhimselftothetoilet.Aweeklater,thelittleman,nowpossessedofamore disciplinedcharacter,climbeduptothetable,satdownonhisdrypantsandhadhisFrenchtoastcrowned withaspoonofpowderedsugar. ANOTEOFWARNING Bedwettingordiaperdumpingisnotamoralorcharacterissue.Itisanaturalphysicalfunction.Don'tlet yourpridedodamagetoyourchild.Nomatterhowashamedorembarrassedyouare,don'tapply emotionalpressure.Heisaproductofyourtrainingandconditioning.Ifyouhaveanolderchildwhowets thebedinhissleep,understanditisnotaconsciousactthatcanbecorrectedbytheabovementioned methods,norisitanattitudeproblemthatcanbedealtwithbydiscipline.Theproblemmaybephysicalor emotional.Regardless,buyyourselfasetofplasticsheetsandteachthekidtochangehisownbedcovers. Don'teverembarrasshimorcausehimtofeelblame. Ifyoususpectitcouldbeemotional,lookwithinyourselffortheproblemandgetyourselfadjusted.The childwillgrowandmatureinanatmosphereofloveandsecurity. CHAPTER12 ChildLabor WORKDETAIL "It'seasierformetodoit,"isacommonreply.Anothermothersays,"ButIfeelguiltymakingthemwork, that'smyjob."Oneareainwhichourfamilywasweakwastheworkdetail.Thechildrenweregivenjobs hereandthere,butlittletrainedinaroutine.IfIweredoingitoveragain,thisareawouldgetmuchmore attention.Intheearlyyears,themotherwillbeprimarilyresponsibleforthistraining.Whenachildisold enoughtotakeatoyoutofabox,heisoldenoughtoputitback. Mother,letyourtimeofinteractionalwaysbetraining.Itisnaturalandfun.Insteadofjustplaying,"I'mgoing togetchue,"play,"Here'showweputourtoysup.""See,Iputoneup,nowyouputoneup.That'sgood. You'reasmartboy,andyouhelpMamasomuch."Keepthechoreswithinthescopeoftheirconcentration. Toomuchwillwearythem,toolittlewillpreventitfrombeingmeaningful. Whentheyareunderfive,ittakesmoretimetobetheir"employer"thantobetheirservant.But,thebest timetoestablishlifelonghabitsisbeforefive.Bythetimetheyarefourorfivetheyshouldfeelnotjust wantedbutneeded.MyAmishneighborssaythatbeforeseventhechildrenareadrainonthefamily. Betweensevenandfourteen,theypaytheirway.Afterfourteen,theybecomeanassetbringinginprofit.By thetimeachildreachesseven,heshouldbemakingyourlifeeasier.Ahousefullofsevenyearoldsoughtto beselfsustaining. Itisessentialtotheselfimageofachildtofeelthevalueofhiscontribution.Thoughhemaydraginhis work,heishappierwhenhisparticipationissignificant.Mother,ifyoutakealittletimetotrainwhentheyare young,youwillbeabletorestwhentheyareolder. Teachthemtocleanupalltheirownmesses,andtheywillmakefewermesses.Dividethehouseholdchores betweenthemaccordingtotheirsizeandability.Achildworkingbelowhisabilitywillbeboredand discontent.Achildchallengedwillbecheerful.Don'tpayorbribeachildintoworking.Now,anexception shouldbemadewheretheworkisnotroutinehouseholdchores.Whenanoutsidejobistakenonas income,theycanshareintheprofitsinrealisticproportiontotheirwork. Themothershouldalwayskeepinmindthatsheismoldingafuturewifeandmother.Challengethemwith sewing,cooking,cleaning,learningabouteverything.Letthemgettheirhandsinthedough(unlessthechild trainingteacheriscomingfordinner).Fromthetimetheyarebigenoughtotellatale,theyshouldbetalking aboutwhat"MamaandIdidtoday." Fathers,bythetimetheboyscanfollowyouaround,theyshouldbe"helping"youwork.Myboyswere climbingthroughsawdustandstumblingoverbriarsbeforetheycouldseeoverthetopsofmyboots.They werebringingfirewoodinwhentheyhadtoteamupandrollitthroughthedoor.Ifyouleaveyoursonsfor thewomentorear,don'tbesurprisedifatsixteentheyactmorelikedaughters. Recently,passinganeighbor'shouse,weobservedaninterestingscene.Thefatherwaspatientlystanding overhistwoboys(oneandtwoyearsold)instructingthemastheyfoldedatarp.Thelittleoneyearold's wobblyfatlegswereheldapartbyasaggingdiaperthatobviouslyneededchanging.Buthewasonhisway tobeingDaddy'sman. Whenfamilieswerepartofalargerfamilyunit,orevenwhentheboyswereinpublicschool,theabsenceof afatherrolemodelwaslesssignificant.Whereaworkingfatherleaveshisboyswithaflockofgirlstobe homeschooledbytheirmother,theyoftenlackmasculinity. Genderroledistinctionisdemeanedinmoderneducation.Don'tletacovenofSodomitesandsocialists, hidingbehindthebadgeofprofessionalpsychologists,reprogramyournaturalfeelingsonmaleandfemale distinctiveness.Aboyneedsaman'sexampleifheisexpectedtogrowuptobeaman.

afatherrolemodelwaslesssignificant.Whereaworkingfatherleaveshisboyswithaflockofgirlstobe homeschooledbytheirmother,theyoftenlackmasculinity. Genderroledistinctionisdemeanedinmoderneducation.Don'tletacovenofSodomitesandsocialists, hidingbehindthebadgeofprofessionalpsychologists,reprogramyournaturalfeelingsonmaleandfemale distinctiveness.Aboyneedsaman'sexampleifheisexpectedtogrowuptobeaman. WIFE,WOULDYOUSAYAWORD?(ByDebiPearl) Oneofthemostimportantaspectsofchildtrainingislettingachildtakeonrealresponsibilities.Children needtoseethattheircontributiontotherunningofthehouseholdisvital.Trainingalongtheselineseliminates thefightingandfussingoverchoreswhenthechildrengetolder.Spendafewminuteswitheachchildevery daygoingoverdifferentchoresstepbystep.Ouryounger,sevenyearolddaughterneededajobthat wouldrequirediligence.Shewasdelegatedtheresponsibilityofkeepingupthemainbathroom.Shenotonly keepsitclean,sheisalsoresponsibleforseeingthatitissuppliedwithallthenecessarytoiletries. WhenthetimecameforouroldestdaughtertogoofftoBibleCollege,shecalledher9and11yearold sistersinandpassedontothemtheirresponsibilities.AsIwatchedhertraintheminthevariouschores, whichincludedlaundry,cookingandkitchencleanup,IknewIhaddonesomethingright.Itwasachangeof command,averysoberandthrillingoccasionfortheyoungergirls.Totheolder,departingsister,itwasa dayofgreatpridetobeabletoentrusttheyoungergirlswithherresponsibilities.Overthenextyear,I watchedasthetwoyoungersisters,withgreatdignity,assumedalloftheirhouseholdduties. AlthoughIamstilltheMom,theyaremynextincommand.Ihaveoftencomehometiredfromastressful counselingsessiontofinddinnercooked,thehouseclean,theclotheswashed,andtwogrinninggirlsdoinga sillybowasIwalkthroughthedoor.Manyatime,afterspendingalongmorningencouragingan overworked,overextended,exhaustedmother,whenlunchtimecame,wewouldhearacheerfulcall.The tablewouldbelinedwithsmallchildrenalreadyeating,andagoodlunchwouldbesetforusmoms.An occasionlikethatdoesmoretopersuadeamotherthanalltheteachingIcouldevergive.Foreveryminute youspendintrainingyourchild,youarerewardedahundredfold. LivinginanAmishcommunity,youseethisoverandover.Oursonslearnedseveraltradesbeforetheywere fourteen.Theycouldfarm,workinconstruction,log,huntherbs,andcuthickory.Theyloveworking.The disciplineinworktranslatesintodisciplineinstudies.And,therealworldexperiencepointsoutthe practicalityofacompleteeducation.Thereisacertainconfidencethatcannotbeobtainedotherthanthrough seeingthefinishedproductofyourownhands. Recently,therewasadeathamongoneoftheAmishfamiliesinourcommunity.Severalofthegrown brothersandsisterscamebacktoburytheirbelovedbrother.Allofthesesiblingswereraisedwiththesame hardwork,carefuldiscipline,andonlyaneighthgradeAmisheducation.Inthepinewoodbox,underthe appletree,outsidetheoldchurchhouse,layafarmerwhoprobablynevermademorethantwoorthree thousanddollarsayear. Thefivebrotherslookingonseemedoutofplaceinthisprimitivesetting.Oneisaneurosurgeon,anotherisa lawyer,oneacityplanner,andanother,acomputerscientist.Thefifthonehasgoneontobesuccessfulin lifeheisahappilymarriedMennonitefarmer.Ifyouconsiderthefirstfoursuccessful,knowthatitwasnot earlyeducationalopportunitiesthatadvantagedthem.Itwastheconfidenceandambitionthatcomesfrom hardworkandcarefuldisciplineinafamilysetting. CHAPTER13 AttitudeTraining KEEPINGLITTLEHEARTS Theattitudeofyourchildrenisfarmoreimportantthantheiractions.Iftheirpowersofconcentration, facultiesofdiscernmentandbodilydisciplineswereequaltotheirintentions,theycouldalwaysbejudged solelybyactions.However,theinfirmityofthefleshbeingwhatitis,theintentionsbetterexpressthe characterofachild.Whenachildhasaninnocentheart,clumsinessormisjudgmentcanbeacceptedas perfection. Forinstance,onemotherleftherlittlegirldoingminorhouseworkandreturnedtofindthelittlegirlhad expandedherroletobringintheclothesfromofftheline,foldandputthemaway.Theonlyproblemwas thatsomeoftheclotheswerestilldamp.Thismother,seeingtheproudglowinherlittlegirl'seyes,accepted theofferingasperfect.Itwasnotuntilafterthelittlehelperhadgoneouttoplaythatthemotherremovedthe dampclothesandreturnedthemtotheline.Shelatertrainedherlittledaughtertoknowthedifference betweenwetanddryclothes.Trainingmustconsidertheactions,butdisciplineshouldbeconcernedonly withthechild'sattitude.Itisembarrassingtoseeaparentupsetatachildforspillingmilkoractingtheir normal,clumsyself.JudgethemasGodjudgesusbytheheart. Ontheotherhand,therearetimeswhenthereisnodisobedience,buttheattitudeiscompletelyrotten.A parentmustbeonguardtodiscernattitudes.Ifwewaituntilactionsbecomeannoyingtoinitiatediscipline, weonlydealwiththesurfacesymptoms.Therootofallsinisintheheart.Knowyourchild'sheartandguard it."Keepthyheartwithalldiligenceforoutofitaretheissuesoflife(Prov.4:23)."Itwillbeseveralyears beforeyourchildcan"keep"hisorherownheartuntilthenitisentrustedtoyou.Letusobservesomereal lifeexamples. SURLYTEEN Averyfrazzledmotherofseveralchildren,whosometimesappearsasemotionallywornoutasanold

weonlydealwiththesurfacesymptoms.Therootofallsinisintheheart.Knowyourchild'sheartandguard it."Keepthyheartwithalldiligenceforoutofitaretheissuesoflife(Prov.4:23)."Itwillbeseveralyears beforeyourchildcan"keep"hisorherownheartuntilthenitisentrustedtoyou.Letusobservesomereal lifeexamples. SURLYTEEN Averyfrazzledmotherofseveralchildren,whosometimesappearsasemotionallywornoutasanold Confederateflag,commentedonherfailureswithherthirteenyearolddaughter.Thedaughter,whenasked tochangeadiaperononeofthesmallchildren,curledherlipinasurlymannerandlookedathermotheras iftosay,"Whydoyoudothistome?"Themotherreceivedtheresponseasaddedweight.Afterthe daughterwasoutofhearing,themotherresignedlysaid,"MydaughterisgoingtohavetoanswertoGodfor herself.ForawhileIfeltguilty,likemysinswerebeingreflectedinmydaughterbut(andhervoicetrailing offforlackofcertainty),shewillhavetofindGodforherself." Thismotherhasseveralyoungchildrenandadreadofseveralmoreontheway.Withalltheresponsibilities ofhomeschoolingandnaturalliving,sheistooemotionallytaxedtomaintainresponsibilityforoneasoldas thirteen.Itwasasifsheweregivinguponthisonetopourwhatstrengthshehadleftintotheonescoming on. Hardworkisneverasdrainingasistension.Onewhoisemotionallydiscouragedwakesuptired.The thirteenyearolddaughter,whoshouldbeablessingandencouragementtohermother,isanaddedburden. Ifthisolderdaughterhadbeengivenproperattitudetraining,themotherwouldnotnowbesovexed.Itis notimpossible,butmuchmoredifficult,toaltertheattitudeofolderchildren.Theyreachapointwherethey mustbeappealedtoandreasonedwithmuchasonewouldanotheradult.Whenachildgetsoldenoughto possessthereignsofhisownheart,hemustbewooedasasinneriswooedbytheHolySpirit. STARTINGOVER Thoseofyouwhohavestairstepkidsinadismalstateofdisrepairmaybediscouragedwiththeseeming impossibilityofthetaskofretrainingthewholelot.Startwiththeonesstillwithinanagerangetoshowquick improvement.Beabsolutelyconsistent,anddon'tlettheolderonesdiscourageyou.Theirtimeiscoming! Thereisawonderfulpsychologicalprincipleworkingforyou.Whenthemilitarymovesintoanareaof generalanarchy,restoringordertoonedistrict,theotherdistrictstakenoticeandinvoluntarilyquietdown. Confesstoyourolderchildrenthatyoufailedtoproperlytrainthemaccepttheblame.Butnowthatyou knowbetter,youaregoingtododifferentlywiththeyoungerchildren.Theolder,spoiledkidswillsitback andwatch.Whentheyseetheleastimprovementintheirspoiledlittlebrotherorsister,theywillbeonyour sidethoughtheymaynotsayso.Whentheybecomeconvincedofanabsolutelypositivetransformationin theyoungersiblings,theywillwanttogetonthereclamationlist.Aslongasyouremaincompassionate,sane andbenevolent,theywillsubmittoyourdiscipline,believingittobefortheirgood. Thetimeswhen,duetolazinessorpassion,rebellionrises,yourdisciplinewillcarrythemthroughtotheir morerationalself.Whenyouconquerone,theotherswillknowwhereyouareheadedandbeconfidentthat youmeanbusiness.Whenyoupenupadog,hewillrunaroundsearchinguntilheissurethereisnowayout, andthenhewillsettledown.Onceyouconvinceachildthatthereisnoalternative,hewillsubmit. Yourchildren'snaturalselflovecausesthemtoassumetheeasieststanceinanygivencircumstance.Your childrenlovethemselvestoomuchtobucktheinevitable.Butremember,theyknowyouasavacillating weakling,neverstickingbyyourprinciples,ignoringthemwhenitwouldbeinconvenienttodootherwise. Theywilltrytomakeitinconvenient.Startwiththeyoungestandworkyourwayup.Letthemknowwhatis coming.Grin,youhavesecretweapons:*Aplan*Love*Patience*Reproof*THERODOF CORRECTION*Endurance. THROWINGAFITTEMPERTANTRUMS Mynineandelevenyearolddaughterscameinfromaneighbor'shousecomplainingofayoungmother's failuretotrainherchild.Asevenmontholdboyhad,uponfailingtogethisway,stiffened,clenchedhisfists, baredhistoothlessgumsandcalleddowndamnationonthewholeplace.Atatimelikethat,theangry expressiononababy'sfacecanresemblethatofoneinstigatingariot.Theyoungmother,wantingtodothe rightthing,stoodthereinhelplessconsternation,apologeticallyshruggedhershouldersandsaid,"WhatcanI do?"Myincredulousnineyearoldwhippedback,"Switchhim."Themotherresponded,"Ican't,he'stoo little."Withthewisdomofaveteranwhohadbeenonthelittleendoftheswitch,mydaughteranswered,"If heisoldenoughtopitchafit,heisoldenoughtobespanked." PERSISTENCE Somehaveasked,"Butwhatifthechildonlyscreamslouder,getsmadder?"Knowthatifheisaccustomed togettinghisunrestrictedway,youcanexpectjustsucharesponse.Hewilljustcontinuetodowhathehas alwaysdonetogethisway.Itishispurposetointimidateyouandmakeyoufeellikeacrudpile.Don'tbe bullied.Givehimmoreofthesame.Onthebarelegsorbottom,switchhimeightortenlicksthen,while waitingforthepaintosubside,speakcalmwordsofrebuke.Ifthecryingturnstoatrue,wounded, submissivewhimper,youhaveconqueredhehassubmittedhiswill.Ifthecryingisstilldefiant,protesting andotherthanaresponsetopain,spankhimagain.Ifthisisthefirsttimehehascomeupagainstsomeone tougherthanhe,itmaytakeawhile.Hemustbeconvincedthatyouhavetrulyalteredyourexpectations. Thereisnojustificationforthistobedoneinanger.Ifyouaretheleastangry,waituntilanothertime.Most parentsaresoguiltladenandparanoidthattheyareunabletocarrythisthroughtotheend. Ifyoustopbeforeheisvoluntarilysubmissive,youhaveconfirmedtohimthevalueandeffectivenessofa screamingprotest. Thenexttime,itwilltaketwiceaslongtoconvincehimofyourcommitmenttohisobedience,becausehe haslearnedtheultimatetriumphofenduranceinthisepisodeinwhichhehasprevailed.Oncehelearnsthat

parentsaresoguiltladenandparanoidthattheyareunabletocarrythisthroughtotheend. Ifyoustopbeforeheisvoluntarilysubmissive,youhaveconfirmedtohimthevalueandeffectivenessofa screamingprotest. Thenexttime,itwilltaketwiceaslongtoconvincehimofyourcommitmenttohisobedience,becausehe haslearnedtheultimatetriumphofenduranceinthisepisodeinwhichhehasprevailed.Oncehelearnsthat therewardofatantrumisaswiftforcefulspanking,hewillNEVERthrowanotherfit.Ifyouenforcetherule threetimesandthenfailonthefourth,hewillkeeplookingforthatloopholeuntilyouhaveconvincedhimit willnotworkagain. Ifaparentstartsatinfancydiscouragingthefirstcryingdemands,thechildwillneverdevelopahabit.Inour homeafitwastotallyunknownbecausethefirsttimeitwastrieditprovedcounterproductive. PARENTALPROTOTYPES Neverexpectmoreofyourchildreninthewayofattitudethanyouareyourself.Happy,wellbalanced parentswhoneglecttherodandreproofwillhavegrouchy,complaining,tantrumorientedchildren.But,ina situationwhereoneorbothoftheparentsareanemotionalwreck,notmuchcanbeexpectedfromthechild. ACHILDISGOINGTOBETHEHARVESTOFTHEPARENTS'TEMPERAMENT.Ifthemotheris sulky,criticalorselfish,thechildrenwillhaveatendencytobethesame.Ifthefatherisabullyorfullof angerandimpatience,hissonswillbealso.Ifthefatherisrude,demandinganddisrespectfulofthemother, themotherwillnotgetmuchmoreoutoftheboys.Ifafatherisintemperateorlustful,thechildrenwilllikely beworse.Godsays,Iwillvisit"theiniquities[notguilt,andnotblame]ofthefathersuponthechildrenunto thethirdandfourthgeneration...(Exodus20:5)."Childrengrowupintotheirfather'sandmother'slikeness. Ihaveseenmany,despisingtheirparents'sin,growuptobejustlikethem. Thelessoninthisis:YOUMUSTBEwhatyouwantyourchildtobeinattitudeaswellasactions.Don't tryto"beattheugly"outofachildwhoisjustadisplaywindowofyourownattitudes. THEYBETTERNOTMISTREATMYBABY Analltoocommonproblem,muchmoreoftenfoundinmothers,isthe"Theybetternotmistreatmybaby" syndrome.Icanstillrememberasayouthsomecocky,swaggeringbratsneeringoutofonesideofhis mouth,gloweringlythreateningtotellhismother.Howdidparentsproducesuchugliness? It'seasy.Justbeveryprotectiveofyourchildandalwaysgetemotionallyinvolvedinhisdisputeswithother children.Lethimseeyourangerathisbeingmistreatedbyhispeers,babysitters,teachersorotheradults. Lethimknowyoubelieveheisalwaysintherightandpeopleareouttomistreathim,butyouarethereto seehegetshisdue. Andtocapitoff,whensomeonewhoisthechild'sseniorcomestoyouwithanaccusationagainstyour child,accusethatpersonoflying.Whenyourchildknowsthatinsocialrelationshipshecanactselfishlyand youwillnotbelievetheaccusationagainsthim,youarebreedingpersonalityugliness. Itisnotgoingtoharmyourchildforhimtobefalselyaccusedafewtimes(that'slife).Hewillhavetolearn todealwithitsoonerorlater.Whenaccused,ifyouhavedoubtsabouthisguilt,patientlysearchoutthe matter.Ifyoudeterminethatheisfalselyaccused,tellhimandthenquietlydropthematter.Don'tlethimsee yourdefensivenessonhisbehalf. Ifheisroughedupbyhispeers,rejoiceheislearningearlyabouttherealworld.Don'tmakeasissyoutof him.Ifyoujumptohisdefenseeverytimeanotherchildtakesawayatoy,pushesyourchilddown,oreven popshiminthenose,youwillrearasocialcrybaby. Whenyoudemandthatyourchildbetreatedfairly,youareprotectinghimfromreality.Theyoungerthey are,thebettertolearnthattheydeservenoequality.Yourreactionsarenotgoingtomakelifeanylessunfair foryourchildbutyoucanmoldafeelsorryformyselfattitude.Ifyouaretoughtheywillbetough. WHYISEVERYBODYALWAYSPICKINGONME? WhileIteachaBibleclass,mytwodaughtershelpbabysitahousefullofchildrenunderfive(fivechildren underfiveisahousefull).Oneofthemothersreturnedtofindherthreeyearolddaughterwhiningofbeing mistreatedbyalittlefellowundertwo.Theyallconfirmedthatthestumblingtoddlerhadinfactprovokeda classAaltercationwithoutsufficientprovocation.Theolderandphysicallysuperiorlittlegirljustsatonthe floorand"turnedtheothercheek"onlytohaveitwallopedalso.Inherpresence,themotherpitiedthelittle girlandspokecriticallyofthelittleboy. Mydaughterswatchedthesituationcarefully,andonseveraloccasionsobservedhimassaultingher.But,as thenurseryworkerscrackeddownontheassailant,heceasedhismisdemeanors.[Mostattackswerethe resultofhisstumblingwhilepracticinghiswalking.] Thebrightandotherwisesweetlittlegirlisveryobedient,butshehasdevelopedahabitofpracticing emotionalweaknessinordertogetherway.Shewhinesabouteverythingandseemstosufferoutof proportiontoherhappylotinlife.Theyoungmotherhasculturedthistendency. Duringthesucceedingweeks,themotherwouldgreetherdaughterwithasympatheticinquiryastoher sufferingatthehandsofthetwentyfourinchnurserystalker.Thenurseryworkersbecameawarethatthe "victim"alwaysgaveanevilreport.Theymadeitapointtowatchclosely,andweresurethatonthe occasionswhentherewasnoconflictwiththeallegedassailant,thelittlegirlstillgaveareportofbeing attacked.Theyobservedherplayinghappilyuntilthemotherarrived,atwhichtimeshewouldjumpupand runintothearmsofhersympatheticmotherwithwhiningtalesofabuse. Asthetalkescalatedandthestumblingtot'sinfamygrew,themothermorecarefullyquestionedher

sufferingatthehandsofthetwentyfourinchnurserystalker.Thenurseryworkersbecameawarethatthe "victim"alwaysgaveanevilreport.Theymadeitapointtowatchclosely,andweresurethatonthe occasionswhentherewasnoconflictwiththeallegedassailant,thelittlegirlstillgaveareportofbeing attacked.Theyobservedherplayinghappilyuntilthemotherarrived,atwhichtimeshewouldjumpupand runintothearmsofhersympatheticmotherwithwhiningtalesofabuse. Asthetalkescalatedandthestumblingtot'sinfamygrew,themothermorecarefullyquestionedher daughter.Itwasbecomingclearthattheemotionallyweakgirlthrivedonplayingtheroleoftheabused. Onenightthebabysittersobservedthelittlegirltellingtheboy,"Hitme.Goon,hitme."Whenshefinally persuadedhimtoreachoutandstrikeheronthehead,shewouldgototheworkerscryingofbeingstruck. Thiswasrepeatedonseveraloccasions.Thenwhentheprotectivemotherarrived,thelittlegirlhadataleof abusetoagainmakeherthecenterofhermother'ssympathy. Ononeoccasion,whenthelittlefellowwasintheotherroom,thegirlfelldowncryingofbeingstruckby him.Whenthemotherarrivedandthoseinchargetoldherthatherdaughterliedaboutbeingabused,she againtookupforthechildanddeniedthatherdaughtercouldlie. IrejoicetosaythatthismotherhasoneofthebestlearningattitudesofanyoneIhaveevermet.When confronted,themotherrealizedshewasmakingprovisionforherdaughtertogrowupbreakingtheninth commandment:("Thoushaltnotbearfalsewitnessagainstthyneighbor."Exodus20:16).Shealsorealized shewascultivatingasourdispositioninherlittlegirl.Sherepentedandimmediatelybeganworkingonit.The child'sattitudeshowedquickimprovement. BADATTITUDE Badattitudeispurebad.Forasachild"thinkethinhisheart,soishe(Prov.23:7).""Keepthyheartwithall diligenceforoutofitaretheissuesoflife(Prov.4:23)."Ifachildshowstheleastdispleasureinresponseto acommandorduty,itshouldbeaddressedasdisobedience.Ifachildsticksouthislip,youshouldfocus yourtrainingonhisbadattitude.Thewrongslantoftheshouldersrevealsabadframeofmind.Considerthis asigntoinstruct,trainordiscipline.Acheerful,compliantspiritisthenorm.Anythingelseisasignoftrouble. Tothosewhosefamilieshavealwaysbeenoutofcontrol,thesegoalsseemridiculous.Tosomewho contemplatesuchdesignsontheirfamily,thisseemslikeanoverbearing,unrealisticgoal.Granted,ifsome familiessimplyraisedtheirstandardstodemandoftheirchildrenthisqualityofobedience,itwouldbe overbearing.But,whenapproachedasarevampingoftheentirefamily,itnolongerseemsunreasonable. Sulking,pouting,whining,complaining,beggingandthelike,shouldbecomeaneradicateddisease. Thisisnotjustanidealisticgoalforwhichwegenerallyaim,whilesecretlyentertainingawillingnesstosettle forfarlessitisthedailyexperienceofmanyfamilies,includingourown.Likeawellcaredforgarden, weedsdocomeupthatmustbedealtwithbuttheyarenevergivenachancetoseed.Problemsdoarise butthetrainingbasewehavedescribedprovidesthecertaintyofathrivinggardenofchildren. CHAPTER14 EmotionalControl THEAMISHFAMILY WhenanAmishfamilywiththeirtwelvechildrencomesovertovisit,youwouldthinkitwasaJapanese delegation,foralltheselfcontrolandorderpresent.Thechildrenaretaughttomaintaincontroloftheir emotions.Theyareallrespectfulofyourpropertyandpresence.Wheninthepresenceofadults,thechildren don'ttalkorplayloudly.Ifhurt,theydon'tcryexcessively.Thechildrenlearntogiveoverwhentheirrights aretrampledonbyanotherchild.Thisisconsistentlyaccomplishedthroughconsistenttraininganddiscipline. SCREAMINGTEEN Wewereatasaints'"dinneronthegrounds"[Thisisnoteatingofftheground.Itiseatingtogether outdoors.]whenatwelveyearoldgirlwhohadbeenswingingonaswingsetcommencedtoscreamthecry oftheimminentlyperishing.Ifoneofmykidshadscreamedlikethat,Iwouldhaveexpectedhertohave beencaughtinapeopleeatingmachineslowlybeingdraggedtodestruction.Weallthrewourpaperplates offoodonthegroundandrantotherescue.Sheappearedtohavefallenoutoftheswing,withno perceptibledamage.(Welaterdiscovershehadreceivedonebeesting.)Whenthefathertriedtoexamine herforwhathethoughtwasabrokenarm,sherolledandthrashed,kickedandsqualled.Shesoundedmuch likesomeonetiedtoahilloffireants. Forthenexttenminuteshetriedtogetherattention,demandingtoknowwhatwaswrong.Shewouldn'tlet himexamineit,butcontinuedthescreaming.Tensecondsofthat,andIsaidtomywife,"Sheisn'thurt,she's mad." AsIreturnedtofindmypaperplate,Icouldoccasionallyhearthefather'sbellowoverhers,"What'swrong honey?Tellmewhereithurts."Iknewshewasn'tbadlyhurt,fornoonewhowashurtingcouldmusterthat muchenergy.Furthermore,thescreaminghadthesoundofaprotestanassaultcry. Afterthemenhadsharedacouplemorefishingtales,wesawthemcarryherpastusintothehousewhere herarmwaseventuallypronouncedjustfine.Iwasgladwhentheygotherindoors.Withthebackground noise,themenwerestartingtotellwarstories.Becarefulnottomakeemotionalliarsoutofyourchildrenby yourownemotionalweaknesses. POORTHING,WHEREDOESITHURT? Foryourchildrens'owngood,teachthemtomaintaincontroloftheiremotions.Ifyoudonotwantto

Afterthemenhadsharedacouplemorefishingtales,wesawthemcarryherpastusintothehousewhere herarmwaseventuallypronouncedjustfine.Iwasgladwhentheygotherindoors.Withthebackground noise,themenwerestartingtotellwarstories.Becarefulnottomakeemotionalliarsoutofyourchildrenby yourownemotionalweaknesses. POORTHING,WHEREDOESITHURT? Foryourchildrens'owngood,teachthemtomaintaincontroloftheiremotions.Ifyoudonotwantto produceasissywhousesadversityasachancetogetattention,thendon'tprogramthemthatway.When yourtoddlerfallsoveronthefloor,don'trunandpickhimup,speakinginanalarmedsympatheticvoice. Irememberastuntperformed,whenIwasonlyabouteightyearsold,fortheentertainmentofalltheadults present.Mylittletoddlercousinwassittingonthefloorplayinghappily,whenmyoldercousinsaid,"Watch this."Speakingtotheinfantinapitiful,compassionatevoice,hesaid,"Oh!isthebabyhurt?Poorthing. Whatdidyoudo?Doesithurt?ShowittoMama."Sureenough,myhappylittlecousinpuckeredup, startedcryingandmadehiswaytohismotherforemotionalsupport.Totheroaroftheadults,shepicked himup,toldhimitwouldbeallright,brushedofftheimaginarydirt,andsathimbackonthefloortocontinue happilyplaying.Iinstantlyprogrammedthatawayforfutureuse.Overtheyears,Iobservedthatsame phenomenonmanytimes.Onlyonceortwicewasitdonedeliberatelyforentertainment.Theothertimesa motherwasrushingtoherchild'srealorimagineddistresses. TOUGHTEENS WhenIwasyetyoungIdeterminedthatIwouldrearnosissies.Whenaninfantfelloverfromasitting positiontothefloorandbumpedhishead,wepretendedtoignoreit.Whenatoddlertookaspill,welethim lie,whimperasecondandthenclimbbackupforanothertry.Whenatoddlerfelloutofthewagonor stumbledintothedirt,welethimdealwithit.Whentheyoungoneswreckedtheirbicycleandskinnedtheir knee,wepaidnoattentionexcepttosaysomethinglike,"Youshouldn'tgosofastuntilyoulearntoride better."Theywouldcomeintodinnerandwewouldseebloodykneesorskinnedhandsandask,"What happenedtoyou,tiger?""Oh,nothing.Justslidoutonthecurveintheloosegravel.IthinkIcanmakeitnext time.""Takeiteasy.Don'tbreaksomething." Nowourresponses,orlackof,werenotunconcernquitethecontrary.Thereweretimeswhenwehadto holdeachotherbackinorderforourchildtolearnthelessonsoflife.Thetimeswhenmedicalattentionwas necessary,weadministereditcalmlyandefficiently,returningthemtotheirplay. Yourresponseisimportanttothedevelopmentofcharacter.Youdonotwanttoproduceateenager,and ultimatelyanadult,whohurtshimselfwhenheneedsattention. Whenstillayouth,Isawateenagegirl,jiltedbyaboyfriend,feignbeinghurt.Iknowanadultwhohurts herselfeverytimeshegetsemotionallydisturbed.If,inyourfamily,theseextremesneveroccur,itis nonethelessmorepleasanttolivewithachildorteenagerwhoisnota"crybaby."Also,yourdaughter's futurehusbandwillappreciateyourhavingtrainedher.Andyoursonswillbebettermen. HOLDSTILL Whenourfirstdaughterwasayounggirl,maybesevenoreight,Ilookeduptoseeabrownreclusespider crawlingalongherneck.Theirbiteisverycruelindeed.Apoundoffleshmayrotoutwhereonebites.My daughterhadbeentaughttotrustandobey.Isaid,"Don'tmove."Shefroze.Notamuscletwitched.Fear paledhereyesasshefollowedourintensestareandfeltthecreaturecreepingupherneck.Icouldseethe risingcompulsiontoslapatit,tofleescreaming.ShestoodperfectlyrigidasIslowlyapproached,reached out,andcarefullyflickedthespideraway.Iwasthankfulwehadtrainedhertomaintaincontrolofher emotions. THETUMBLINGTOT Iwasdrivingmytrucksomedistancebehindahorsedrawnhaywagonwhenalittlefellowaboutfouror fiveyearsoldfelloffthebackofthewagonintothegravelroad.Noonehadnoticedhim,andthewagon continuedtorattlealong.IthoughtImightgototherescue,whenhejumpedupandrantocatchthewagon. Afteracoupleoffailedattemptstojumpon,someonesawhimand,grabbingahand,swunghimbackon thewagon.Afterbeingseated,herubbedhissorespotsandcontinuedontothefield.Hedidnotexpectthe worldtostopsimplybecausehewaslyinginadirtroadskinnedup.Icanimaginethefussifthathad happenedtothemodern,overindulged,undertrainedchild. CRYINGBABIES,ORCRYBABIES When'crawlers'or'scooters'cry,thereshouldbealegitimatereason.Iftheyarehungry,feedthem.Ifthey aresleepy,putthemdownforanap.Iftheyaretrulyhurt,givetimeforthepaintosubside.Iftheyare physicallyuncomfortable,adjusttheenvironment.Iftheyarewet,changethem.Iftheyareafraid,holdthem close.Iftheyaregrouching,disciplinethemtogetcontroloftheirselfcenteredness.Iftheyaremad,switch them.Don'tletyourchildstayunhappy.Meettherealneedsandmaketheirselfishcryinganunrewarding experience.Themothershouldbecarefultoanticipatetheinfant'srealneedsandmeetthematappropriate timesandlevels.However,whentheinfantisallowedtogaincontrolofhisenvironmentthroughwhining,he istrainingyou. CHAPTER15 TraininginSelfIndulgence HISWIFE,SHEATENOLEAN Earlyhabitsarelifelonghabits.Whyisitthatsomefatpeoplefindthemselvescompelledtoeatwhenthey becomeemotionallydisturbed?Theygetangryordepressedandthengototherefrigeratorasawayof

CHAPTER15 TraininginSelfIndulgence HISWIFE,SHEATENOLEAN Earlyhabitsarelifelonghabits.Whyisitthatsomefatpeoplefindthemselvescompelledtoeatwhenthey becomeemotionallydisturbed?Theygetangryordepressedandthengototherefrigeratorasawayof coping.Ihavebeentoldbygrotesquelyobesewomenthattheywouldn'tbefatifitwerenotfortheir compulsiontoburytheirdisappointmentunderastuffedbelly. Now,Iamnotattemptingtodefinethecauseofallfatness,noreventhesolecauseofsomebutitisatleast acontributingfactorinsomecases.Howdidthisconnectionoccur?Thehuman/animaltendencytoaccept conditioningisextraordinary.EverytimeIthinkofanorangeandimagineeatingit,Ihaveamuscular reactioninthebackofmyjaws.IexperiencesournesswhentheorangeisstillinOrlando.Throughrepeated experiences,Ihavebeenconditionedthatway.Itisnotvoluntary.Icannothelptheprogrammedresponse. Whenababyisbreastfed,therearephysicallimitationstohowoftenandwhenhecannurse.Withabottle fedbabyevenwhenthebottleisgivenafterayearofbreastfeedingthebottlebecomesamighty convenientbabysitter.Anemotionallydisturbedchildcanbequietedbysimplypokingasyntheticnipplein hismouth.Asthefoodgoesin,thetensionandanxietygoout.Anangrychildcanbepacifiedbya"pacifier" orbottle.Achildcanbeputtosleepwithfood.Youcanpurchaseforyourselfareprievefromalmost anythingthroughabottleorpacifier.Whatareyoudoingtoyourchild?Notonlyishefailingtolearnself control,HEISLEARNINGTOCOPEBYPUTTINGSOMETHINGINHISMOUTH. Theaddictiontocigarettesisnotallnicotine.Haveyouevernoticedhowapersonwhoquitssmokingwill oftenkeepsomethinginhismouth?Manyatreehasbeeneatenonematchstickatatime. Manyfatpeoplehavenodesireforfoodearlyintheday.Notuntiltheday'sresponsibilitiesmountup,does theirnervousnessdrivethemtotherefrigerator.Lateatnight,whentheproblemsofthedayarebackedup, therefrigeratorbecomestheiremotionalsupport. Iamconvincedthatparentswhoprovideemotionalconsolationthroughfoodorthesuckingsensationare trainingtheirchildrentobeselfgratifyingandindulgent."Temperance"isoneofthefruitsoftheSpirit(Gal. 5:23).Parent,ifyounotonlycatertoyourchild'sappetite,butactuallyemployitasameansofpurchasing compliance,whatareyouinstilling?Remember,thefirsthumansininvolvedeating.TheDevil'sfirst temptationtotheSonofGodinvolvedeating."Andputaknifetothythroat,ifthoubeamangivento appetite(Prov.23:2)."Thereisaspiritualprincipleinvolvedherethatgoesfardeeper.Toallowmuch more,encouragelackofselfcontrolinanyareaistoconditionthechildtobegenerallyintemperate. INHERITEDINTEMPERANCE Aparent'sexampleofintemperanceinoneareamaybemanifestthroughthechildinlackofselfcontrolin anotherarea.Somechildrensodespisetheirparents'weaknessthattheirreactionpropelsthemfarfromit. Yet,theparentalexampleofintemperancewillmanifestitselfinanotherareawheretheirguardisnotup. Parentswhoareintemperateinfoodmayhaveskinnychildrenwhobecomeintemperateinsex.Parentswho areintemperateinpossessionsmayhavereactionarychildrenwhoareintemperateindrugs.Intemperancein anyareaisagrave,destructivesin.Yourchildrenwillreapwhatyousow."BenotdeceivedGodisnot mocked:forwhatsoeveramansoweth,thatshallhealsoreap.Forhethatsowethtothefleshshallofthe fleshreapcorruption(Gal.6:7,8).Manshallnotlivebybreadalone...(Matt.4:4)." Ifasanadultyourealizethatyourparentspassedonthisintemperancetoyou,youcaneitherblamethem andcontinuelettingyourbellybeyourgodoryoucanthrowoffthecurseforyoursakeaswellasyour children's. Ihavesadlyobservedmanychildrenbeingtrainedintheartofselfishindulgencebytheexampleofparents gatheringtothemselvesandtheirchildrenthethingsofthisworld.Thechildraisedwithcommercialgadgets heapeduponhislustsismuchmorepronetobeenviousandcovetousthanthepoorchildwhofinds satisfactioninthesimplethingsoflife.Thechildwhogrowsupdeprivedofnothingisgreatlyhandicappedin reallife.Neverconsideryouraffluencetobeanadvantagetoyourchildren.Itisahandicapforwhichyou mustcompensate.ExamineJesus'wordsregardingthedisadvantagesoftherich:(Mark4:19Luke12:15I Tim.6:619James5:15). CHAPTER16 Bullies ISEVERYONEHAVINGFUN? Oneoftherulesmoreofaprincipleinourhomeis:"Ifitisnotfunforall,itisnotfunatall."Wherethereis morethanonechild,goodhonestsparringsometimesdegeneratesintobullying.Wekepthandsoffasmuch aspossible.Ifthekidswerehavingasocialconflict,wetriedtoletthemworkthroughit.Apeckingorderis inevitable,butifitgotoutofhandortheycametous,thenwewouldstepintoarbitrate. BLOWINGUP Let'screatealikelyscenario:Oneofthegirlsistryingtoblowupaballoonwhilethebrother,severalyears older(whoisnormallyverycongenialwithhissisters),ispreventingherfromaccomplishinghertaskand laughingatherhelplessprotests.Itstartsoutwithherinvolvedinthegame,butshesoontiresandstartsto earnestlyresist.Heishavingsuchfunthathecontinueswithincreasedvigortothwartherefforts.Sheis gettingaggravatedandcomplaining.Helaughslouder.Shestartsphysicallyresisting,jerkingaway,swinging herelbowsandyelling,"Stopit!"Hedoggedlypursueshisgoalofprovinghisprowessaschiefballoon deflator."OK,What'stheproblem?"Fatherasks."Ohnothing,we'rejustplaying,"hesays.Sheprotests,

Let'screatealikelyscenario:Oneofthegirlsistryingtoblowupaballoonwhilethebrother,severalyears older(whoisnormallyverycongenialwithhissisters),ispreventingherfromaccomplishinghertaskand laughingatherhelplessprotests.Itstartsoutwithherinvolvedinthegame,butshesoontiresandstartsto earnestlyresist.Heishavingsuchfunthathecontinueswithincreasedvigortothwartherefforts.Sheis gettingaggravatedandcomplaining.Helaughslouder.Shestartsphysicallyresisting,jerkingaway,swinging herelbowsandyelling,"Stopit!"Hedoggedlypursueshisgoalofprovinghisprowessaschiefballoon deflator."OK,What'stheproblem?"Fatherasks."Ohnothing,we'rejustplaying,"hesays.Sheprotests, "Hewon'tletmeblowupmyballoon."So,itistimeforalittletrainingandreproof. THEWRONGAPPROACH Thewrongwaytohandlethiswouldbetoimpatientlyyell,"Givehertheballoonsoshewillshutupandget outofhereIcan'thearmyselfthink!"Hewouldtossitoverwithan"Ibeatyou"sneerandshewouldtryto blowitupinhispresencetoprovehervictory.Theywouldcontinuetosilentlycompeteuntilanother opportunityformischiefarose.Thiswouldhappenbetweenthemaboutthirtytimesaday.Youmightswitch themtwoorthreetimes,tonoeffect.Shewouldbecomeawhiningtattletale,andhewouldbecomea sulkingbully.Youarefunctioninglikearefereewhocameexpectingafightandistheretokeepitfair, insteadoffunctioningasateacherofrighteousness. THERIGHTAPPROACH Trythisapproach.Calmlysay,"What'sgoingonhere?"Heresponds,"Ohnothingwe'rejustplaying." Daddysays,"Sister,areyouhavingfun?"Shesays,"No,hewon'tletmeblowupmyballoon."Daddysays totheboy,"Areyouhavingfun?"Helooksabashedandsays,"Well,wewerejustplaying."Daddyasks, "Brother,wassisterhavingfun?""No,Iguessnot.""Couldyoutellthatshewasn'thavingfun?""Well,I guessso.""Whatdoyoumean,youguessso?Didyouordidyounotthinkshewashavingfun?""Well,I knewshewasn'thavingfun.""Wereyouhavingfunwhenyoursisterwassuffering?"Silence."Canyouhave funbymakingsomeoneelseunhappy?"Silence.Helooksatthefloor."Lookatme.Howwouldyoulikeitif someonebiggerthanyoutreatedyoulikethat?""Iwouldn't,"heanswers.ThenIwouldsaymyfamouslines, "Ifeveryoneisnothavingfunthenitisnotfun.""Son,youknowHitlerandhismenhadfunwhenothers weresuffering.Theylaughedwhileboysandgirlscriedinpain.DoyouwanttogrowuptobelikeHitler?" Incompletebrokenness,hesays,"NoDaddy,Idon'twanttobelikeHitler.Ididn'tmeantomakehersad. Sister,Iamsorry."Whatgreattraining!Thebrotherandsisterwillgoawaybondedandsympathetic.The sisterforgivesbecauseshehasseenhisrepentanceandfeelssorryforhisgrief.Sheisdrawntohim.Hewill bemoreprotectiveofher.Theybothhavebeenrestored. Yourreproofwillonlyproducerepentanceiftheboyseesagenuinenessinyou.Ifhedetectsinyouanylack ofthebenevolenceyouadvocate,hewillnotrepentonlybecomeharder,morebitter. IfhehastakenoffenseatthewayyouhavetalkedtoMother,hewillnotexperiencerepentanceuntilyou expressthesame.Iftheboydoesnotshowrepentanceafteritisclearheunderstandstheissues,aspanking wouldbeinorder,thenfurtherreproofandreasoning.Ifthereisstillnorepentanceissuinginforgivenessand lovetohissister,thenitbecomesclearhehasadeeper,morelongtermproblem. CHAPTER17 ReligiousWhips HATERSOFGOD IhavecringedwhilewatchingaproudparentuseGodforarodofdiscipline.Achildhasbeen"bad,"and themotherwarns,"Youshouldn'tdothat,Goddoesn'tlikeit."Or,"Godisgoingtogetyouforthat."Again, "MamamightnotseeitbutGoddoes."Talkingaboutnegative,counterproductivetraining!Theproductof this"discipline"willbeaGodhaterwhosefearofGodwillbedespising.Never,Isay,"NEVERuseGodto threatenorintimidateyourchildintocompliance."Ifyouconstrainhimthroughdivinethreats,hewillthrow offreligionattheearliestpossibledate.IhaveseenChristianparentswhosechildrenbecomerebelliousand bitteragainstreligionforthisveryreason. Theprincipleisoneofconditioningthroughassociation.Whentwothings,thoughunrelated,occuratthe sametime,theymergeinthesubconscious.Whentheconsciousnesscallsupone,theotherisattachedtoit. AteenagegirlonaremoteMississippifarm,lonelyforcompanionship,wouldlieinherbedlisteningtothe distanttrainwhistleswhilefeelingisolatedandsorryforherself.Yearslaterwhenshewasfaraway,happily marriedwithseverallovelychildren,andsheheardatrainwhistle,alonelymelancholyfeelingwouldcome overher.Itcouldtotallychangehermood,andshedidn'tknowwhy. WhenIwasayoungteenageratsummercamp,therewereseveralboyswhowererowdylateatnight.The directors,afterbecomingfrustratedandthenirate,disciplinedthembymakingthemsitandreadtheBible. About2AM,Igotupto"easemyselfabroad(Deut.23:13)"andsawthemsittingtherewithopenBiblesin theirlaps,wearingsurlyexpressions.Atthatyoungage,yetlovingtheScripturemyself,andwhileknowing nothingofpsychology,IdistinctlywasgrievedforwhatIknewwasgoingtobetheresultofthis"discipline." ThestaffwasconditioningtheseyoungmentohatetheBible.Withaburningresentmentintheirhearts, everytimetheylookeddownatitspagestheywerefilingawaytogethertheopenBibleandabitterspirit. ThreeorfourhoursofthiscouldleaveanaversionforScripturethat,withfurtherreinforcement,could continuethroughouttherestoftheirlives. IknowamotherwhomakesherchildrenlookupBibleversesforpunishment.Theexerciseitselfcouldbe goodtrainingexceptwhenitoccursasawayofdealingwithrebellion.Therebellionshouldberesolvedby therodandcorrection.

ThreeorfourhoursofthiscouldleaveanaversionforScripturethat,withfurtherreinforcement,could continuethroughouttherestoftheirlives. IknowamotherwhomakesherchildrenlookupBibleversesforpunishment.Theexerciseitselfcouldbe goodtrainingexceptwhenitoccursasawayofdealingwithrebellion.Therebellionshouldberesolvedby therodandcorrection. GOODMEMORIESAREWELCOMED Don'tuseyourDevotionaltimeasaclearinghouseforsettlinggrievances.Thefamilyworshiptimeshould neverbeatimeto"callsomeoneonthecarpet."Noonehasgoodfeelingsaboutbeingcalledtothe Principal'soffice.TheschoolPrincipaldidthereallyseriouspaddlingwhenIwasinschool.Ihavelived nearlyahalfcenturyandstillfeelapprehensivegoingintotheofficeatapublicschool.HeandIhadacouple ofseriousencounters.OneofthesedaysIamgoingtomakeaneffigyofaschoolprincipalandthentellhim tobendoverandgrabhisankles. Ontheotherhand,whenIseepastelchalk,IrememberoldMrs.Johnson,myartteacher,smilingand settingupastilllifeforustodraw.Iwouldgobackthereandspendhours,ifIcould. Whatmemoriesandassociationsareyoufilingawayinyourchild'ssubconscious?TeachtheBibleinyour home.Givethemexercisesoflookingupversesonpatience,love,faithfulnessandsoforthbutdon'tdoitas aresponsetotheirfailureinsomearea.Iftheyshouldhaveaweaknesswhichneedsinstruction,waituntil thepressureandcondemnationisoffbeforegivingthemastudythatinvolvestheirweakness.Ifthereare guiltfeelingspresent,thelessonwillonlybringfurthercondemnationandisolationthattherodcannot absolve.WhentheinstructionaboutGodisseparatefromyourdiscipline,theyarefreetomakean associationwithoutfeelingwatchedandgraded.Otherwise,youwillendupwithchildrenworkingforGod's approval,aswellasyours.AllowtheSpiritofGodtoapplytruthstoyourchild'sconsciousness.Theadult's senseofdiscernmentismorehighlydeveloped.Don'tcausethemtohaveaforebodingofGodbeforethey arematureenoughtoseeeverythinginperspective. CHAPTER18 Imitations CHRISTIANPARENTS'PARROTS Onewaytodullyourchildren'ssensitivitytoGodistomakethemreligiousshowoffs.Parentswhovaluethe outwarddisplaysofdevotionoftenfallintothePhariseesyndrome.Don'ttrainthemintheskillsofpretense. Don'ttrainthemtobe"asthehypocritesare:fortheylovetopraystandinginthesynagoguesandinthe comersofthestreets,thattheymaybeseenofmen.VerilyIsayuntoyou,theyhavetheirreward(Matt. 6:5)." Theotherday,Iinvitedmyfamilyouttoseeourdogdoanewtrick.Igavethecommand,buthewastoo distractedbythemtoregardme.Ihadinterruptedtheirscheduleonpromiseofatrick,andheactedasifhe hadneverseenmebefore,muchlessknewwhatIwassaying.Ibecameanxiousandstartedpushinghimto perform.Hewasmakingmelooksilly."Whatrightdoeshehavetodothistome?Me,ofallpeople.My familywouldhavethoughtIwassosmart,andnowIlookdumb.Stupiddog.Mustbeinbred."Sensingmy disapproval,hestartedtoshyawayfromme.Togetmyapproval,hemustmakemelookgoodinpublic. Afterall,whatisadoggoodfor,buttoelevatehismaster? Ihavehadparentsbringtheirlittlechildin,standhiminfrontofmeandsay,"Say'praisetheLord'for BrotherMike."Whenhehasfinishedhisperformance,everyonesmilesandpraiseshim.Theparentsgrinas iftheyjustheardtheannouncementthattheirdoghadwontheannualFrisbeecatchingcontest.Whenlittle childrenarecuteintheirprayersorreligiousimitationstheyshouldbetotallyignored.Otherwiseyou encouragehypocrisy.Nevergivethema'formofgodliness."Itisacheaptraptofallpreytoschoolingyour childrentoappearaheadoftheirpeersinreligiousdevotion.Youandyourchildrenarerewardedhereand nowandthatisalltherewardsuchstageplayingevergets."VerilyIsayuntoyou,theyhavetheirreward (Matt.6:5)." Onewellmeaningfatherhastwochildrenwhosingfairlywell.Everychancehegets,hecaptivatesan audiencetolistentotheirsinging.Theirgospelsongs,sungbyanother,wouldbeablessingbutwhensungin exhibitionbyselfcenteredchildren,itisapaintoendure.Theirsingingissocute.Astheyparadebackto theirseats,hepraisesthem,smilinglikeIwouldhavebeenifmydoghadonlyperformedforme. Onetimewhenthetwosinging"parrots"forgotthewordsandshowedalittleindifferencetoperforming,the audiencebecamerestless,andthefatherbecameanxious.Hisactwasfallingapart.Hecoaxedand encourageduntilIsawinhimthesamefeelingsIhadtowardmynonperformingdog.Nowthedogisnot goingtosufferfrombeingparaded,butthesechildrenalreadyare.Thefather'sambitionforhimselfandhis childrenoverrideshisconcernfortheirspiritualwellbeing.Or,maybehedoesn'thavethewisdomto discernthedifference.RuincomeseasilyinthisSatanicallycontrolledworld.

Onetimewhenthetwosinging"parrots"forgotthewordsandshowedalittleindifferencetoperforming,the audiencebecamerestless,andthefatherbecameanxious.Hisactwasfallingapart.Hecoaxedand encourageduntilIsawinhimthesamefeelingsIhadtowardmynonperformingdog.Nowthedogisnot goingtosufferfrombeingparaded,butthesechildrenalreadyare.Thefather'sambitionforhimselfandhis childrenoverrideshisconcernfortheirspiritualwellbeing.Or,maybehedoesn'thavethewisdomto discernthedifference.RuincomeseasilyinthisSatanicallycontrolledworld. CHAPTER19 HomeschoolMakesNoFools THESYSTEM OnejudgeinNebraskasaidthatthepubliceducationalsystemispreparingthechildrenofAmericaforthe year2000whenwewillallmergeintothenewworldorder.HewentontosaythatthechildrenofChristian homeschoolfamilieswouldnotfitintothatplannedsystem. NeverevenconsidersendingyourchildrentoprivateChristianschools,muchlessthepublicautomaton factory.WhetheraclassroomisbasedcompletelyonChristianeducationorsecularisnottheissue (although,wewouldbyfarprefertheChristian).Goddidn'tmaketeenageboysandgirlstosittogetherina classroomeverydayusingtheirbrainwhilereallifepassesthemby.Theworld'ssystemdigsapitandthen createsamyriadofindustriestoreclaimthetragiclivesthatfallintoit.Classroomeducationfortheyoungis apit.Thepsychiatrists,counselors,socialworkers,PlannedParenthood,policemen,socialmanipulators, juvenilecourts,drugdealers,penalinstitutions,andmedicaldoctorsstandontheedgeofthepitcompeting forthebusinessgeneratedbytheshovelsoftheNationalEducationalAssociation. Onewarning:Thereexistsafundamentalfaultthatistellinginthediscouragementexperiencedbymany homeschoolfamilies.Thepubliceducationalsystemisbasedonfalsepremises.Therefore,bothits curriculumanditsformatareinerror.Thehomeschoolisnotestablishedtoduplicatethepublicschoolina privateenvironmentyetmosthomeschoolersareattemptingtodothatverything.Thestressonthefamily attemptingtoperformforthesakeofpublicimage,aswellasstaterequiredtesting,isdestructivetoa wholesomegrowthenvironment. Askyourselfandanswerthequestion,"IfIdidnothavetoanswertoanyone,andIwerenotcontrolledby publicopinion,whatwouldIdesireformychildrentolearnintheirearlyyears?"Keepinmindthatspecialty disciplinesthatarenecessaryforprofessionalemploymentneednotbetaughtbyeithertheclassroomorthe homeschool. Parents,youarewearingyourselfouttryingtokeepupwiththeJudges.Teachfromyourheart,notfromthe JohnDewyperspective.Childrenneedamotherwhoteachesthem,notateacherwhodoesn'thavethe emotionalenergytomotherthem.Youngmenneedafatherwhoteachesthemtowork,notafathertoo busyworkingtoteachthem. Thebestschoolingforchildrenisagoodhomelife,notahomethatisallschool.Itisastrangeperversionto removeachildfromthatwhichisnaturaltolifeandmakeofhimaprofessionalstudent.Suchacceptsthe falsepremisethatacademicandbehavioraleducationisthefoundationoflifeandsociety.Orderyourown lifeaccordingtoGod'sperspective.Yourchildrenaretoovaluableforyoutocompromise. Afterhomeschoolingforoversixteenyears,wehaveseenthefruitofour"philosophy"ofchildrearing.Our oldestjustfinishedherfirstyearincollegewitha4.average. Ifyoufearyourchildrenaretooisolatedfromtheworldandneedwhatthesocialistscall"socializing,"then getyourselfaTVandsitthemdowninfrontofHollywoodabouttwohourseveryday.Theywillsoonbea duplicateofthepublicschool,parkinglot,backalleymorality.PutyourchildrentothebreastofHollywood andtheywillneverbenurturedonthe"milkoftheword."Hollywoodisafarmoreeffectiveteacherthan youwilleverbe,andtheyhaveanaggressive,appealingagenda. IfyouwantachildwhowillintegrateintotheNewWorldOrderandwaithisturninlineforcondoms,a governmentfundedabortion,sexuallytransmitteddiseasetreatment,psychologicalevaluationandamarkon theforehead,thenfollowthepopularguidelinesineducation,entertainmentanddiscipline,butifyouwanta sonordaughterofGod,youwillhavetodoitGod'sway. Iamfortyeightyearsold.Myoldestsonisseventeen,andmyyoungestisfifteen.Thereisalwaysthe possibilitythatIcouldbegonebythetimetheyhavechildrenoftheirown.WhenIthinkaboutthemgetting marriedandrearingchildren,thereissomuchIwouldliketoseethemkeepinmind.So,insummary,Iwill addressalettertomytwosons. CHAPTER20 Personal LETTERTOMYSONS GabrielandNathanPearl,

 CHAPTER20 Personal LETTERTOMYSONS GabrielandNathanPearl, Icannotimaginethekindofworldtomorrowwillbring,butunlessitistheMillenniumitwillbeevenmore hostiletothefamily.IftheLordshouldtarrylongenoughforyoutomarryandbeginrearingchildren,your Daddyhasafewwordsofadvice. First,knowthatthewomanyoumarrywillbethelifelongmotherofyourchildren.Allthatsheisinthe accumulationofpastexperienceswillbepresentasthemotherofyourchildren.Thereisnotamoremajor decisionaffectingthefutureofyourchildrenthanthechoiceofyourlife'spartner.Therelationshipbetweena manandhiswifehasmoreeffectonthechildrenthananyotherfactor.Acouplemayexpresstheir differencesonlyinprivate,buttheycannothidetheeffectsfromtheirchildren.Remember,yourfamilywillbe nobetterthantherelationshipyouhavewithyourwifetheirmother. Besuretocultivateyourrelationshipwithyourwife.Meetherneeds.Makeherhappy.Herstateofmindis goingtobe50%ofyourchildren'sexample,100%whenyouarenotthere.Ifyouwillloveandcherishyour wife,thechildrenwillloveandcherishheralso.Ifyouareaservanttoher,theexamplewilltranslatetotheir experience. Whenyoulookforawife,andmotherforyourchildren,thefirstqualificationisthatshelovetheLordand beHisdisciple.Nothingelsewillkeepherfortheduration.Shewillneedtoknowhowtopray.Agirlwho takesChristforgrantedwilldothesamewithherfamily.Amanandhiswifeare"heirstogetherofthegrace oflife(1Pet.3:7)."Ittakestwo,equallyyoked,topullthefamilywagonsafelythroughthehostiledesertsof thislife. Thesecondthingtolookforinaprospectivewifeischeerfulness.Now,somemightignorethisqualification altogetherbutIcan'temphasizetooforcefullythevalueandpracticalityofthisquality.Agirlwhoisunhappy anddiscontentbeforemarriageisNOTsuddenlychangedafterward.Everyonehastrialsandadversities. Thehappy,cheerfulgirlhaslearnedtodealwiththemandstillenjoyslife.Nomancanmakeadiscontented womanhappy.Awomanwhodoesnotfindjoyfromawellspringwithinwillnotfinditinthedifficultiesand trialsofmarriageandmotherhood. CourtshipisagardeninSpringeverybody'slookspromisingbutmarriageisagardeninAugust,whenthe qualityofthesoilandseedandthecaretoguardagainstpestilence,blightandweedsbeginstomanifest itself.Thefruitofthewombcanbespoiledbeforegermination.Giveprayerfulcaretothechoiceofawife andmother.Agirlwhogetsherfeelingshurtandcriesinordertomanipulateyouwillbeaballandchain afteryouaremarried.Cheerfulnessshowsupbestwhenthingsarenotexactlythewayshelikesthem. Thenextqualitytotookforisthankfulness.Whenayounggirlisunthankfultowardherfamilyorher circumstances,achangeofenvironmentandrelationshipsisnotgoingtomakeherthankful.Thankfulnessis notaresponsetoone'senvironment,rather,anexpressionoftheheart.Avoidamoody,unthankful,unhappy girl.Ifsheisnotfullofthejoyoflivingbeforemarriage,shesurelywillnotbeafterwards.Ayoungladywho hadbeenmarriedlessthanamonthsaidtoDeb,"Ihaveneverinmylifebeenonetohavemyfeelingshurt. But,sinceIgotmarried,Iseemtogoaroundwithachiponmyshoulder.IguessitisjustthatIcaremore thanIoncedid."Debtoldher,"Noyoudon'tcaremoreyoujustfeelthatyouhavemorerights,and thereforeexpectmore."Thethingtorememberisthatpersonalitiesandtemperamentsdonotimproveafter marriage.Whenthesocialrestraintsarelifted,thefreedomthatcomesfromasecureunionpermitsoneto expresstruefeelings. Boys,takenoteofagirl'sattitudetowardherfather.Itdoesn'tmatterwhatkindoflousehemaybe,ifsheis rebellioustohim,shewillbetwiceasrebellioustoyou.Ifshespeaksdisrespectfullyofortoherfather,she willdolikewisetowardyou. Thenextqualitytolookforisacreativehardworker.Don'tmarryalazy,slothfulgirl.Lookscangetmighty oldlyingupinbedframedinadisheveled,griping,slothfulpout.Whateveryoudo,avoidalazygirl.Ifshe expectstobewaitedon,lethermarryawaiter.Youwillhaveafulljobrearingthechildrenwithouthavingto rearawife. Nevermarryagirlwhofeelssheisnotgettingthebestmanintheworldwhenshegetsyou.Agirlwho entersmarriagethinkingshecouldhavedonebetterwillneverbesatisfiedforwonderingwhatitmighthave beenlikeif.... Avoidthegirlwhoisenamoredwithherownlooks.Bettertomarryahomelygirlwhoiscontenttoloveand belovedthanonewhoisgoingtospendheryearstryingtomaintainherfadingbeauty.Lifeistoobigandfull tobespentwaitingonadisappointedwomanwhoisregretfullylookinginthemirror. Avoidliketheplaguethegirlwhowouldpursueherowncareeroutsidethehome.Awifemustbeyour "Helpmeet." Thelastqualificationisaloveforchildren.Agirlwhodoesn'twantherlifeencumberedwithchildrenis sufferingadeephurtandiswalkingaroadtomisery.Oneday,theLordwilling,youaregoingtohave childrenofyourown. Now,Iwanttospeaktoyouaboutbeinggoodfathers.Whileyouarestillyoungandunmarried,withno children,dowhatallofGod'screaturesdopreparethenestfortheirarrival.DON'TPUTYOURSELFIN

"Helpmeet." Thelastqualificationisaloveforchildren.Agirlwhodoesn'twantherlifeencumberedwithchildrenis sufferingadeephurtandiswalkingaroadtomisery.Oneday,theLordwilling,youaregoingtohave childrenofyourown. Now,Iwanttospeaktoyouaboutbeinggoodfathers.Whileyouarestillyoungandunmarried,withno children,dowhatallofGod'screaturesdopreparethenestfortheirarrival.DON'TPUTYOURSELFIN ANOCCUPATIONALPOSITIONTHATWILLLEAVEYOUOUTOFPOSITIONTOBEA GOODFATHER.Planyourlife'stradesoastomaximizeyourroleasfather.Fatherswhobecome absorbedintheirsuccessinbusinesswillmakelousyfathers.Ifyougainthewholeworldandloseyour child'ssoul,whatprofitisit?Someworkaholicswillsaytheyaredoingitfortheirchildrenproviding security,agoodeducation,etc.Whyisitthatthechildrenofhardworking,absentfathersneverappreciate theirsacrificeandevenshowdisdainandcontemptfortheirfather'ssuccess?Thereasonisthatthechildren arenotfooled.Theyunderstandthefather'sabsencetobelackofinterest.Theybelievehiscareertobe selfishlymotivated.Theyseethefathergettingmoresatisfactionfromhisjobthanfromtheirpresence. Whetherthisbetrueornot,theresultsarethesame.Businesssuccessalwayspassesaway.Thechildrenare eternal.Theeducationyourchildwillneedcannotbepurchasedatauniversity.Itispurchasedbythefather inthemanyhoursspentdoingthingswiththechildren. Theconceptof"quality"timeasopposedto"quantity"isasalvefortheconscienceofmodernparents wrappedupinworldlypursuits.Ascheduledhourofclinicallikeattentionmakesyour"qualitytime"nothing morethanthefulfillmentofabusinessappointmentatherapysession.Itcanbeunrealandpretentious. Insincereattentiontoinconsequentialmatterscheapensfellowship.Notimespenttogethercancompareto thatwhichisspentinrealstrugglestoachievecommongoals.Achildwillbuildselfworth,notbybeingthe centerofattentioninidlechatter,butbyactuallyconqueringarealworldneedputtingupamailbox,a clothesline,cuttingthegrass,bringinginfirewood,washingwindows,buildingadoghouse,goingonthe father'sjobandbeingarealhelper. DoyourememberwhenDonMadillwouldcometoworkinourcabinetshopwithhislittletwoorthree yearoldsonhangingaroundcleaningupsawdustorhammeringanail?Therewasnopretenseorhastein thatfathersonrelationship.Today,hissonsarelittlemen,secureintheirrole. Withyourfirstchild,startyourfatherroleimmediately.Relieveyourtiredwifeforacoupleofhoursby takingtheinfantandattendingtoallhisneeds.Whenyouarereadingorresting,laythechildonyourlap. WhenyouboyswereonlyafewdaysoldIwouldlayyouonmychesttosleepoutarestlessnight.Igotto whereIcouldsleepsoundlywithyourlittlepuddleonmychest.Yourexhaustedmotherneededalittle break. WhenIwasnewlymarried,Iexpectedmywifetobeasuperwoman.Isoonlearnedthatifsheweregoing tolastthroughseveralmorechildbirths,andthatingoodspirits,shewasgoingtoneedalotofsupport. Treatyourwifeasadelicateflowerandshewillhavetheenergytobeamoregivingmother. Iamawareyouboysdon'tneedmuchsleep.However,ifeverytwotothreeyearsyouexperiencedamajor operation,havingatwentypoundtumorremoved,youwouldneedmorerestalso.Allowyourwifetosleep alittlelongerthanyoudo,andshewillbemoreefficient. ThoughIspentalotoftimewiththechildrenwhentheywereyoung,Ialwaystoldyourmother,"Theyare yoursuntiltheycanfollowmeoutside,andthentheyaremine."Takeyourlittleonesalongonmany adventures.Exploreanddiscovertheworldalloveragainwitheachone.Iwouldtakeyourabbithuntingin abackpack.Myrabbitdogsgotsoconditionedthatwhentheysawabackpacktheythoughtwewere hunting.IthinkRebekahwasgladwhenGabrielcamealonganddisplacedherfromtherumbleseat. Providelotsofjunkforyourchildrentobecreativecardboardboxes,woodenblocks,sawdust,sand, sticks,hammersandnails.Avoidstoreboughtplaythingsthatcanstiflecreativitybylimitingimagination. Animportantprincipletorememberisthatthemoretimeyouspenddoingthingstogetherthefewer disciplineproblemsyouwillhave.Achildwhoadoreshisfatherwillwanttoaboveallpleasehimin everything.Achildcan'trebelagainsthisbestbuddy.Whentheyarebigenoughtolookatpicturesina book,spendtimeturningpageswiththem.Whentheyareoldenoughtounderstand,beginreadingortelling Biblestories.Throughouttheday,asitisnatural,tellthemofourheavenlyFather.Together,examinenature asthewisecreationofamagnificentGod. Don'tputoffspendingtimebeingadaddy.Eachdaytheygrowwithoutyouislikeatomatoplantgrowing withoutbeingstaked.Itspreadswithoutdirection.Theweedscomeupinsidewheretheycannotbe removed.Thefruitwillbebroughtforthonthegroundwhereitwillrot. Afatherwhois"there,"alwaysinvolvedinthechild'slife,willknowtheheartbeatofhischildren.Ifyouwill praiseandrewardthedesiredbehavior,therewillbeverylittleundesirablebehavior.Youwillbespeaking fiftytimestheencouragingwordforeveryrebuke. But,don'tfallpreytothemodernpsychologicalsubstituteofneglectingachildandthenrunninginsaying somethingpositive.Itisartificial,andisflattery.Positivestatementsthatarenotwarrantedbylegitimate worksaredestructive.Achildshouldknowthathehasearnedeverypraise.Praisenotbasedondeserving worksisasunjustaspunishmentwithoutprovocation.Itwillteachalie,inthatitreversesreality.Thereisno substituteforreallifepresence.Ifyourchildisnotdoinganythingpraiseworthy,thentakehishandtowalk besideyouuntilhedoesdosomethingworthy.Neglectedchildrenbecomerejectedchildren.Achildmust havehisfatherasaplantmusthavelighttogrowhealthy.Aflashbulbapproachisnotsufficient.Aslow steadyshiningofthefather'spresenceiswhatisneeded. Don'teverleavethespiritualtrainingtothemother,nomatterhowgoodajobshedoes,orthechildrenwill

worksisasunjustaspunishmentwithoutprovocation.Itwillteachalie,inthatitreversesreality.Thereisno substituteforreallifepresence.Ifyourchildisnotdoinganythingpraiseworthy,thentakehishandtowalk besideyouuntilhedoesdosomethingworthy.Neglectedchildrenbecomerejectedchildren.Achildmust havehisfatherasaplantmusthavelighttogrowhealthy.Aflashbulbapproachisnotsufficient.Aslow steadyshiningofthefather'spresenceiswhatisneeded. Don'teverleavethespiritualtrainingtothemother,nomatterhowgoodajobshedoes,orthechildrenwill growupthinkingreligionisforwomen.Youputthechildrentobedintheeveningandreadandpraywith them. Astheboysgetolder,makesuretheyarenottoomuchconfinedtostudies.Bythetimetheyaretwelveor thirteen,theyshouldbeprettywellthroughwithschoolandinvolvedinanoccupationwithyou.Continueto exposethemtoconceptsandideasbut,aboveall,providereallifeproblemsthattheymustsolvebicycle, smallengine,orappliancerepair.Allformsofbuildingandmaintenanceareessentialtraining. Theconceptyouareseekingtoconveyisoneofindependenceandconfidence.Achildwhocandoit,fixit, makeit,willtrynewthingsandexpecttosucceed.Theconfidenceinworkwilltranslatetosuccessin education. RememberthetwentysevenyearoldAmishfellow,withhisfirstcar,goingofftocollegeinafarawaycity, leavingallthethingsthatwerefamiliar,facingchallengesneverbeforeconsidered.Iwasapprehensiveabout hisabilitytosucceedinthisnewenvironment.Hehadnoneofthenecessaryskills.Hiseducationalability wasaboutequaltoasixthgrader. WhenItriedtowarnhimofthedifficultiesahead,hesaid,"IhavealwaysbeenabletodoeverythingItried todo,Icandothisalso."Itwashardonhim,buthegota"B"averagethefirstsemester.Whetheritwasthe productofhishandsorhishead,hehadlearnedtosucceed. Ifyoutakeayoungchildandburdenhimwithstudiestothepointofmakinghimfeelinadequate,youare buildingaprincipleoffailureintohim.Teachyourchildrentoworkwiththeirhandsfirst,andtheeducation ofthemindwillcomemorereadily.Don'tleaveyourboysathomewithMotherandthegirlsinaclassroom setting.Theyshouldbeoutwiththemen. Boys,guideyourwivesinunderstandingtraininganddiscipline.Don'ttakeforgrantedthattheyare automaticallypreparedtobemothers.Somemothersdon'thavethecouragetodisciplineandwilltellthe children,"Justwaituntilyourdaddygetshome,hewillspankyou."Whenyouwalkthroughthedoor,you willwantthekidstoallcomeclimbingyourlegsandpullingonyourarms,notcoweringinacorner.Three hoursofdreadingDaddy'scominghomecanbedevastatingprogramming.Causeyourwifetodoherown discipline. Checkyourselfforbalancebyaskingthequestion,"Domychildrenviewmeasasternandsevere disciplinarianorasacheerfulandwonderfulcompanionandguide?"Yourjudgmentsandpunishments shouldbelostinthemanyhoursofhappycommunion. Lastly,asyourchildrendevelop,letthemfeelapartofthestrugglesoflife.Don'tbecomeso"successful" thatyoucanprovideeverythingtheyneedorwant.Ifyoufindeverythingiscomingtooeasy,giveitallaway andstartoverundermoredifficultcircumstances. Lifewithoutstrugglehasnoachievement.Iftheylosetheirshoes,letthemgowithoutuntiltheycanmakethe moneytobuymore.Makesureyoudonothaveavailableallthegoodthingstoeat.Letthemlearntobe contentdoingwithout.Keepthesugarandjunkfoodoutofthehouse.Iftheyneverhaveit,theywillnot wantit.Ifeatingbetweenmealspreventsthemfromeatingtherealfood(meat,potatoes,vegetables,salads, etc.),thendon'tletthemeatexceptatmealtime. Now,therearesomeflavorsortexturesthatwejusthaveanaversionfor.Alloweachchildoneortwo dislikes,justdon'tlettheirpreferencesbetoolimited.Ifachilddoesn'tlikewhatisonthetable,lethimdo withoutuntilthenextmeal.Alittlefastingisgoodtraining.Ifyougetachildwhoisparticularlyfinickyand onlyeatsalimiteddiet,thenfeedhimmainlywhathedoesn'tlikeuntilhelikesit. Forgetaboutbuyingthemtoys.Somefunctionaltoysaredesirable,likeametaltruckforthelittleboys,ora tricycleorbicyclefortheolderones.Littlegirlscanprofitfromplaydishesandbabydolls(whichresemble realbabies).Justdon'tcultivatetheircovetousinclinationsbyteachingthemtoexpecttohavetheirlusts indulged. Neveryieldtothefads.ChristiansshouldhavetoomuchdignitytobecarriedalongbytheMadisonAvenue promoters.Theirshoes,clothesandcerealshouldbechosenforserviceability,notstyle. HollywoodisnotforGod'schildren.Don'tallowthebrainless,subversiveSesameStreettypepropaganda tocomeintoyourhouse.Yourchildren'sthinkingshouldbemoldedbythewordofGodandChristian example,notbysexpervertsandsocialists.IfyouwanttodestroyyourfamilythengetyourselfagoodTV andVCRtokeepthekidscompany. TheChristianfamilyisamotherandfatherwithchildren,allliving,laughing,loving,working,playing, struggling,andachievingtogetherforthegloryofGod. Youmusthaveavisionbiggerthanthehereandnow.Youarenotpreparingyourchildfortime,butfor eternity.Adambegatasoninhisownlikeness.Youwillbegetsonsanddaughtersinyourimage.Allearthly pursuitsshouldbewithaneyetoheaven.Thatwhichisfirstisearthly,carnal,temporal.Thatwhichislastis heavenly,spiritual,eternal.Asyourchildbearstheimageoftheearthly,hemustbeartheimageofthe heavenly.Borninyourimage,hemustbebornagainintoChrist'simage.Tobeconformedtotheimageof

struggling,andachievingtogetherforthegloryofGod. Youmusthaveavisionbiggerthanthehereandnow.Youarenotpreparingyourchildfortime,butfor eternity.Adambegatasoninhisownlikeness.Youwillbegetsonsanddaughtersinyourimage.Allearthly pursuitsshouldbewithaneyetoheaven.Thatwhichisfirstisearthly,carnal,temporal.Thatwhichislastis heavenly,spiritual,eternal.Asyourchildbearstheimageoftheearthly,hemustbeartheimageofthe heavenly.Borninyourimage,hemustbebornagainintoChrist'simage.Tobeconformedtotheimageof God'ssonisourexpectationandhope.Itisacolossalambition,butwehavetheresourcesofheavenatour disposal. Wisdomisgivenuponrequest.Loveistheonlycommandment,selfourgreatestenemy,theBibleouronly educationalresource,theHolySpiritourcomforter,thebloodofChristouronlyhope.Letusruntherace thatissetbeforeus'forasmuchasyouknowthatyourlaborintheLordisnotinvain(1Cor.15:58)." CHAPTER21 ByDebiPearl LETTERFROMMOMTOTHEGIRLS Rebekah,ShalomandShoshanna, Lifeisfullofchoices.Therearechoicesyouwillmakewhileyouarestillyoungthatwillhelpfashionyourlife aswellasthatofyourchildren.Preparingyoutomakewisedecisionshasbeenourgoal. GodsaidofAbraham,"ForIknowhim,thathewillcommandhischildrenandhishouseholdafterhim,and theyshallkeepthewayoftheLORD,todojusticeandjudgmentthattheLORDmaybringuponAbraham thatwhichhehathspokenofhim(Gen.18:19)."PreachershaveoftenponderedwhyGodchoseAbraham tobethefatheroftheJewishnation.GodknewAbrahamwould"commandhischildren(teachthemtowalk uprightly)." Whenthetimecomesforyoutoconsidermarriage,thinkaboutthis.Canthisyoungmanbetrustedwith God'sheritage?Itisnotonlyyourlifehewilltouch,butthelivesofyourchildrenandyourchildren's children.Abraham,throughhisexampleandteaching,causedhisteenagesonIsaactohavesuchconfidence inhisfatherastosubmittobecomingthesacrifice.Again,Isaachadconfidenceinhisfather'sjudgmentwhen Abrahamsentaservanttohiskindredtochooseawifeforhim.Abrahamknewittookachosenwomanfor thechosenmantocontinuethelineage. Remembertobea"hiddenwoman."Standbehindyourmanwithprayer,encouragementandtrust.Honor him,blesshim,andservehimasuntotheLord.HewillthrivebeforeGodinthisenvironment.Ashegrows, yourchildrenwillgrowandyourcupwillbesofullitwilloverflowintothelivesofothers. Whenyouarepeevedwithhimforsomesillyoffense,rememberyouarecuttingofftheprayerline.Don't allowhurtfeelingstofesteranddiseaseyou.Becheerful,thankfulandreadytoforgive.Yourchildrenwill watchyou.Ifyoushowdisregard,disapproval,anger,irritationordishonortoyourhusband,itwillopenthe doorforthemtodothesamenotonlytotheirfather,but,inagreaterdegree,toyou.InProverbsitspeaks ofthisverything:"Everywisewomanbuildethherhouse:butthefoolishpluckethitdownwithherhands (Prov.14:1)." Begintrainingyourchildrenearlydon'twaituntilthereisaproblem.Aoneyearoldbabywhohesitates beforeobeyingisdevelopingahabitthatwillbringgriefashegetsolder.Whatthatchildisattwo,hewillbe atthirteen,onlymagnifiedmanytimesover."Evenachildisknownbyhisdoings,whetherhisworkbepure, andwhetheritberight(Prov.20:11)."Don'texpectyourchildtosuddenlygrowintoaGodfearingadult. Theadultwillbewhatthechildis. Don'tletthecaresofthefamily,thechurchandtheworldstealthetimeneededtomaintainholymatrimony. Thetimespentbeingahusbandandwifeisthedeeprootthatnourishesthewholeplant.Haveasanctuary wherenochildisallowed.Thereistimewhenbeingagoodmothermeansteachingthechildrenthat,"Thisis OURtime,andyouhadbetterfindsomethingtooccupyyouelsewhere." CONCLUSIONBYDEBIPEARL Allthatyouhavereadiswhatwehaveputtopracticeinrearingourchildren.Itisalsowhatwehaveseen someoftheAmishfamiliesdo.SomeoftheAmishfamiliesknowtheLordinasweetway.Yet,someare lost,tryingdesperatelytogainfavorwithGodthroughtheirsimplelifestyle.Nearlyallofthem,lostorsaved, havebeenabletorearmoral,obedientandrespectfulchildren.Youcanrearhappy,obedient,temperate, evenGodfearingchildrenthatarestilllostandundonebeforeGod.ThereismoretoknowingGodthan techniquesandprinciples.Therehastobethatliving,breathinglifethatonlytheHolySpiritofGodcangive. ChildrenbroughtupinahomewithparentsthatareactiveinknowingandservingarisenSaviorareaware ofthislife.Ifyourendisyourselves(whichincludesallthingscleanandwholesome),thenyourendisthe sameasthelostAmishfamilies.Theyhavealwayshomebirthed,homeschooled,andeatennatural, wholesomefoods.Theyhaveformanygenerationslivedasimplelife,withthefatherhavingacentralrolein thechildrearing.TheyhavealwayscherishedGod'shandiworkinnatureandworkedtomaintainit.But,do theyknowtheSavior?Donotgetcaughtupinpouringyourlifeintoagoodcauseeventherearingofa largefamily.PouryourlifeintoknowingandservingtheSaviorandseekingthateverylifeyoutouchbe touchedwiththeknowledgeofforgivenessintheshedbloodofJesus.

sameasthelostAmishfamilies.Theyhavealwayshomebirthed,homeschooled,andeatennatural, wholesomefoods.Theyhaveformanygenerationslivedasimplelife,withthefatherhavingacentralrolein thechildrearing.TheyhavealwayscherishedGod'shandiworkinnatureandworkedtomaintainit.But,do theyknowtheSavior?Donotgetcaughtupinpouringyourlifeintoagoodcauseeventherearingofa largefamily.PouryourlifeintoknowingandservingtheSaviorandseekingthateverylifeyoutouchbe touchedwiththeknowledgeofforgivenessintheshedbloodofJesus. WearecalledtobesoldiersinthearmyofthelivingGod.Raisingupyoung,newrecruitsofourchildrenis anexcitingsideline.ChildrenraisedupseeingGodinaction,savingsoulsandchanginglives,areseeing somethingreal,somethingeternal.Theyarehardlyawarethattheyarehomeschooleditisjustanearthly meanstoaheavenlyend. WhenourdaughtercamebackfromamissionarytriptoCentralAmerica,Iaskedheraboutthe missionaries'children.Herreplystartledme."Themissionaries'kidshaveavisiontobetheonetoreachthe nexttribe.Theyareawareofthelostanddyingtribewithnoonetogounlesstheyfillthegap.Theyspend theiryouthpreparingandplanningforthattribe.Theyknowwhattheywanttobewhentheygrowup.They wanttobetheonewhobreaksthelanguageandtellsthattribethestoryofGod.Theygrowupwith purpose,thepurposethatthosewhohaveneverheardmighthear." Themissionaryfamilydoesnotseetheirfamilyasthe"purpose."Thefamilyisablessingalongtheway.The childrendonotgrowupthinkingtheyarethe"end."Goingintoalltheworldpreachingthegospelisthe purposeofaChristian'slife.ManyAmish,aswellasmanyofus"backtothebasics"folks,havestopped withreceivingtheblessinganddonotpassiton.Itisawonderfulbutselfishlife.Childrenactivelyinvolvedin afamilythatisservingGodbecomeservantsofGod. Conclusion (ByMichaelPearl) Ihavehadmanyparentslookdespondentandsay,"Ihavewaitedtoolong.Theyaretoooldtotrain."Itis truethattheolderachildgetstheharderitistomoldthem.Yet,nohumanbeingevergetstoooldtohave hisactionsconditionedasmilitarybootcampdemonstrates.But,onlyinacontrolledenvironmentwhere thethreatofforceisreal,canonethatoldbebroughttobay.Whenachildgetsoldenoughtoseriously contemplateleaving,thepowerdisciplinewillloseitseffectiveness.Youmaynotbeabletorecover everythingwithafourteenyearold,butyoucanseesuchimprovementastomakeitseemamiracle.The tenyearoldisstillquitemoldable.Theearlieryoustartthebetter,butaslongastheylive,itisnevertoo late. Itislikelyoneparentisgoingtoreadthisbookandrevampthetraininganddiscipline,whiletheothermay becontenttocontinuewiththestatusquo.Mother,ifyoudecidetostopgivingthechildren"chances"while thehusbandcontinuestoplaythethreateninggame,youwilllikelydevelopcriticalfeelings.Thatwillbeyour pridemanifestingitself.Yourbitternessatyourhusbandandthedivisionthatthechildrendetectwillmake mattersworse.Yourhusband'spridewillcausehimtobeevenmoreresistant,lesthebethediscipleofhis criticalwifeandsomeunknownauthor. Mother,allthatyouneedtodoismakeyourhusbandenvious.First,whileyourhusbandisaway,beso consistentandthoroughthatyougainperfectinstantobediencefromyourchildren.Theywilllearnthatno matterhowcarelessDaddyis,Mamaisthe"lawofGodHimself."Whenyouseehimfailingtogain obedience,atanappropriatetime,inhispresence,quietlycommandthechildren,andtheywillrunto obedience.Afterseveraldaysofthis,hewillask,"Howdoyoudoittheydon'tobeymethatway?"Just humblysmileasyouholduptheswitchandsay,"Therodandreproofgivewisdom(Prov.29:15)."Then demurelyturnandwalkaway.Hewillbecomejealous. Ifyouarenotcriticalandonlyifyouarenotcriticalwillhewanttoknowmoreofyoursecret.Thechange inyourattitudetowardthechildren(nomoreanger,noarguments,moreloving)willgethisattention. However,iftheonlychangeheseesisthatyouarespankingthechildrenmoreandinequalproportionsare angrywithhim,hewillthinkthatitisjustahormonalimbalancethatwillhopefullyrunitscourse. Readingbackoverthetext,itseemsthatIhavegivenalotofnegativeswhatnottodo,andwhatiswrong. IfIweresimplygivinginstructionforlayingoutaflowergarden,itcouldallbequitepositivebutifasurgeon isinstructingstudentdoctorsonheartsurgery,therewillbealotofnegatives.Aproceduresoinvasive requirescautious,narrowlimitationswithneedfulwarnings.Thatwhichissuccessfullyaccomplishedevery daycanendintragedyifdonenegligently.Childrearingisaninvasiveprocedure.Youinvadethesoulofa developinghumanbeing,aneternallivingsoul.Itisnotaninconsequentialprocedure.Thewholeheavens standinthewaitingroominanticipationoftheoutcome. Ifafterreadingthisyoufeelfrustratedanddiscouraged,don'tattempttoimplementthetechniquestaught herein.ThisisnotsomethingthatcanbeTRIEDorappliedalittleatatime.Ittakesinsightandconfidenceto endure.Ifthisisallnewtoyouandyouhavesomedoubts,youwillnotmakeitthroughthetrials.You shouldreaditagainandturntoadditionalsourcesofcounsel. Ontheotherhand,ifitisasifIhaveputintowordsthethingsyouhaveknownallalongbutneverbeenable toarticulate,andtheseconceptsareinyourheart,andyouaretotallyconvincedoftherightofwhatwehave said,thenbyGod'sgraceyouwillseeresults. Letmeclosewiththewordsofafouryearold.Afamilywhohadbeenapplyingthesetruthsforonlya weekwasvisitingusinourfrontyard.Preparingtoleave,thefathercalledtheirnewdog.Theexciteddog teasedthemanbyrunningoffjustashegotwithinreach.Thefatherbecameirritableandstartedspeaking criticallyofthedog'sintelligence.Pleadingonbehalfofthedog,thefouryearoldsonsaid,"ButDaddy,you haven'ttrainedhimyet!"

Letmeclosewiththewordsofafouryearold.Afamilywhohadbeenapplyingthesetruthsforonlya weekwasvisitingusinourfrontyard.Preparingtoleave,thefathercalledtheirnewdog.Theexciteddog teasedthemanbyrunningoffjustashegotwithinreach.Thefatherbecameirritableandstartedspeaking criticallyofthedog'sintelligence.Pleadingonbehalfofthedog,thefouryearoldsonsaid,"ButDaddy,you haven'ttrainedhimyet!"

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