PORTIA

The Smartest Dog In The World!

Written and Illustrated by David Alan Smith

Chapter 1
Con Artist

As house pets go, Portia was not your usual Toy Poodle. In fact, as Toy Poodles go, Portia was probably the most unusual dog in its breed. Of course, every dog owner claims to have the most special dog of its kind anyway, but in Portias case I think it would be good to see exactly what I mean. For example, when we were looking for a puppy, Pamela and I researched all the different kinds of dogs and what their dispositions based on breeds. Because it was a number of years since Zoe died, we didnt want to get another Boxer even though she was one of the best dogs we ever had. Pamela decided on a small breed, and off we went to the Puppy Store to see what they had. The Puppy Store was set up with a play area, so if you wanted to experience how your prospective pet and you interacted, this was one way to do it, and it seemed to work well. There were about four or five such areas, all about four foot square with a bench on one side to sit, all sides were about three foot high with a door to enter.

Pamela liked the Yorky and the Toy Poodle of all the dogs available that day. The salesgirl brought the two dogs out of their cages and handed them to Pamela who was waiting in the play area. This is the first time we noticed something was different about Portia. Pamela placed both puppies down on the floor to see how they would react to each other and to her. The little Yorky jumped up and down, and ran circles all over the place, while Portia just curled up at Pamelas feet and hardly moved. Because Pamela and I no longer have children around, we were really looking for a more docile pet and werent interested in a hyperactive dog. So it was an easy choice to see just which puppy would be coming home with us right there and then. I said we noticed something different about her, well you may find this hard to believe, but Portia actually knew we wanted a calmer, less active dog and had convinced the Yorky, who really wanted out of the Puppy Store having been there for almost a month without being adopted, so Portia convinced him that we wanted a puppy that was full of vigor and playfulness, and clinched the deal for herself Portia was no bigger than one of Pamelas shoes so taking her for a walk was a bit like walking flea on the end of a rope. It wasnt long however that we soon found that it was Portia taking us for a walk rather than the other way around. When we brought her home, we set up her collapsible wire kennel which became Portias House from then on. The door is hinged and locks with a latch that slides and then secures with a downward press on the lever. It seems unbelievable, but within a few months, Portia pulled a Houdini and escapes on day and made it to the bathroom only to empty the waste paper basket for us, something I guess she thought we wanted. I couldnt believe she actually learned how to open the latch by herself, so I put her in her in the kennel and left the room closing the door partially. I waited for not more than a few minutes, watching as she thrust her nose at the down-positon of the latch until it popped out a little. Then, as if she had read the instruction manual on the kennel, she flipped the latch back with her front paw and thrust the door open with her nose! I should have made a You Tube video of this, I couldnt imagine any puppy doing this without being taught how to buy a human. I had to add a tiny magnet to the metal latch to prevent her from freeing herself in the future. Thankfully it worked. Now she expects to be let in and out at our discretion, rather than her own.

Chapter 2

Peddle To The Metal

It became readily apparent to us that we had a very intelligent little dog on our hands within a very short time. Unfortunately for us, Portia had no intention of putting this to good use, as far as we could tell. She loved to experiment and play, which is a nice way of saying she got bored very easily and would get into everything! Pamela has more than the occasional allergy, so that means lots of Kleenex. I mean, LOTS of Kleenex! We both have little waste paper baskets on each side of our bed, mine is usually empty, hers is always full of used Kleenex tissues, one of Portias favorite playthings! Coming into a bedroom littered from one end to the other with snow-like clutter of shredded Kleenex tissues is not something you really like to see. But to Portia it was just another way to deal with the boredom suffered when we would go off and leave her alone in the house. Portia is not a mean spirited dog; she just is self-motivated and loves to learn. But to live with her means we had to make adjustments. Like the waste basket. We got rid of them and replaced them with two shiny new ones with a peddle on the bottom that opens the lid, thinking she could never get into these! Wrong! We came back to the usual snow storm in the bedroom, tissues all over the carpet, right in front of the closed lid on the shiny new trash containers. You guessed it. Portia had found that by pressing down on the foot peddle, the top opened, snagged the plastic liner, pulled and VOILA!... a virtual buffet! When I think of how much we taxpayers spent on training monkeys to go into space back in the 50s, we could have saved millions of dollars if NASA just used Portia instead. It would take more training to keep our house neat from Portias craftiness, but the training usually fell on us learning new means of coping and not on Portia unlearned what she had already mastered. So it went, each day a new discovery about this tiny little Toy Poodle with an over abundant bundle of neurons. Our adapting to her remarkable way of finding out how to get whatever it is she wants has managed to challenge our wits just to stay one up on her. Having to change waste paper baskets to metal trash containers with closing lids with bricks on top to keep Portia out is just an everyday occurrence for us now.

Chapter 2
Speed Trials

Like just how fast can a little Toy Poodle go anyway? Well, I can only tell you what I say when we took Portia to the Doggie Park. If youve never been to the Doggie Park, you dont know what youre missing. It is a big play pen for dogs, one section for large dogs and another for smaller dogs. Scattered around the play area are obstacle courses for jumping, climbing and running through to challenge the dogs and just plain have fun. This day Portia got treated to the small play area for dogs. Being that this was her first experience as well as ours with other dogs, we were mindful of how she would react to the other dogs, especially the ones a bit larger than she, at this time about one and a half pounds and a bit larger than my hand. We unclipped the leash and off she ran. Greeting her were a medium sized terrier, a Deskbound, and a Whippet, which I have been told is a very fast dog. Well, Portia wasnt too excited to see the other dogs at first and ran and hid under a park bench, the other dogs sniffing at her to check her out. I guess she got her fill of that and saw us across the park and made a dash to get to us. The other dogs took chase after her, but she easily outran the lot of them, including the Whippet. Ive never seen a dog so small run that fast. If Id had a speed gun, I bet she would have been clocked at over thirty miles an hour! Every other time we would take her to the park she loved to run and run and run some more. Now she is about two years old and none of the other dogs can touch her for speed.

Chapter 3
Food Critic

Im sure it is important to have your dog eat well and health. Today, with dozens of brands of food on the market, we thought we would have a problem with finding a particular brand that Portia would like to eat. Some dogs are really finicky about this. Without mentioning the brand, we settled on a popular one, specifically designed for puppies and a very good quality. She took to it straight away. But within a week, we noticed that she was not eating the entire amount, which was about two ounces in the bottom of her dish. So to make it more palatable, I added some shredded cheddar cheese sprinkles. That hit the spot. Now we broke our original desire to give her just a diet of dog food and had now started down the road to making her a food critic. We now noticed that the cheddar cheese would be totally gone and the dog food remained mostly untouched. Portia was definitely quick on the uptake. Whenever we were in the kitchen opening a plastic bag, shed be there, whining like she hadnt eaten anything in a week, prompting us to let her try a sample. Whod have thought a dog would like broccoli, onions, radishes, lettuce, carrots and most other vegetables. Fruits of all varieties are her favorite treats, theres hardly a food she wont try. She does have an aversion to beer though, something you really dont want your pet developing a passion for. The only problem with having a connoisseur for a pet is that they look down on you when you want to go out for a pizza, instead of sharing a fine three course meal at home with them. However, left over pizza on top of her dog food never seemed to go untouched. Im sure Im going to catch hell from the Humane Society for my bending the rules on what a dog shouldnt eat, but theyre just going to have it out with Portia, because she just isnt going to stop her dietary habits for the sake of conventional wisdom.

Chapter 4
Neighborhood Goodwill Ambassador

Ever since we house-trained Portia, going out for a walk is one of Portias favorite things to do. Not just for the pooping but for the socialization she has with all the neighbors. While on the leash, she likes to walk ahead of me, I really think she takes me for a walk and not the other way around. But whenever we see a neighbor, she digs into low gear and thrusts herself forward like a sled dog on the Iditarod, her tail wagging like a propeller until shes reached her neighbors side. Her outpouring of emotion to whomever she runs up to has made her a favorite goodwill ambassador on our street. Her walk without running into neighbors takes about ten minutes. When we meet anyone at all, its usually twenty to forty minutes before I get back. I say ambassador because most of my neighbors arent fluent in English. Most speak only Spanish, and my fluency in their language leaves much to be desired. But with Portia around, she breaks the language barriers and we all just hang out together and laugh over how sweet Portia makes everyone feel. I have lived on my street for many years and never knew too many people down the street; even my next door neighbors were not more than acquaintances. The people who have met Portia now feel like I am included in their lives by extension, it seems that any friend of Portias is a friend of mine. It really is quite amazing how a little four legged puppy could actually make such a real difference in human relationships, and if I hadnt experienced it myself, I never would have believed it possible. Now since we got Portia, everything in the neighborhood has changed, I know my neighbors and my neighbors know me. And they especially know Portia.

Chapter 5
Tell Tale Signs of Relief

One of the main concerns I think most people face in owning a house pet is house training, or to put it bluntly poop training. Pamela and I would never have invested in another dog unless we could have a pet that did their business outside and not in the house. So when we brought Portia home, this was a big priority. It really is a matter of people training more than it is potty training when you get down to it. Knowing the dynamics of when your dog is ready to poop is then followed up with taking them outside to complete the process. After a short while, they really are pleased with your assistance in their pooping habits and wont even consider doing it in the house, unless of course, you dont do your part! There will always be a few accidents in the beginning, but this is a biological issue as well as a habitual one, so it pays to have patience and understanding in this department. Fortunately for us, due to the trim cut of Portias derriere, when she is in need of relieving herself with a big poop, a little bulge in her butt is a clear sign that she needs out! Its a shame it wasnt as easy with babies! So if you have a short haired dog, now you know the secret to keeping your home safe from the occasional present your puppy, just keep an eye out for the pop out and youll never miss the opportunity to help your dog do what a dog needs to do when a dog needs to do it! But when it comes right down to it, Portia knows when she has to go and that by not going until she gets outside is the real accomplishment in our family. This takes a smart puppy, and we are really fortunate to have one in Portia.

Chapter 6
Pit Bull in Pajamas

The one thing about having a small dog that Portia never understood is that she is one. It always amazes me just how a brave, dreadnaught and incredibly fearless attitude can be wrapped up in such a fuzzy little puppy in pajama-like exterior. Portias favorite spot in the entire house is on the back of our living room leather couch. In spite of the fact that she has her own designated chair by the old grandfathers clock, she prefers the traditional militaristic advantage of the high ground, and therefore the sofa back provides this for her. To keep our fine leather couch in good condition, we have a large fleece throw covering the back so her little claws dont scratch or tear the leather. Once we did that, Portia must have thought that was particularly nice of us to feather her nest on her most favorite spot. From this position she can easily see just who is coming up to the front door or anyone walking down the sidewalk. Satisfied that this is really her house and property, not just ours, she defends her castle with the fiercest of Toy Poodle barks that would send any would-be intruder into a state of abject fear, and turn and run lest they face the teeth that are waiting to meet them should they step inside her domain. Is there any doubt that such a tiny little puppy is not imbued with special talents and superior qualities? Its nice to know that Portia had the intelligence and cunning to play into our hands back in the Puppy Store when we might have chosen a little Yorky instead of her, but she knew what she was doing. She had the foresight to know just what we needed in a friend, an entertainer, and an alarm system all wrapped up into one.

Chapter 7
On The Road Again

Taking a vacation without Portia was something we just couldnt do when it was only a few months since we brought her home to stay with us. So we decided on a road trip, to a destination which would accept pets, just to make it easier on us all. Never having done this before, we were uncertain how Portia would handle a long drive in the car. We put her collapsible cottage in the back seat with a few of her toys, and all her necessities and headed up to North Georgias mountains and a weeks vacation in a chalet on a lake. For the first three hours Pamela and I thought we made the worst decision of our lives. Portia whined the entire time, crying and jumping all over the place. After several comfort stops for all three of us, things started to improve and we were glad to be on our way north instead of turning around back to Miami. Portia seemed to find her element after experiencing many different environments. I believe this is due just how smart a dog she really is. Once she has gotten the sense of her bearings under her belt, she is at home, no matter where she is. Although she hasnt really mastered certain things in the car, like the GPS, voice commands, and reaching the accelerator and brakes, she is quite at home on my lap, pads on the steering wheel and enjoys every second of it.