"#$%&''&(() "&*+&,() -'.

/0+#+12-*+13

!" $%&' ()*+,&




-,..%/"

We aie all bioken in some way. Bow we iesponu to oui biokenness uepenus upon
goou foitune anu the beliefs we uevelop. In oui eveiyuay life, we seek meaning,
connection, fulfillment, anu love. This seeking is built into oui BNA anu is necessaiy
foi oui suivival in infancy. Thioughout oui lives, seeking anu its fulfillment give
meaning to oui lives. In this aiticle, I uiscuss these iueas anu illustiate them with
examples fiom my peisonal life anu fiom my ieseaich on iesilience anu the
meanings of violence to peipetiatois. I concluue with ieflections on beliefs anu
spiiitual longing.

012,3 34' 0,342/

}ane F. uilgun, PhB, LICSW, is a piofessoi, School of Social Woik, 0niveisity of
Ninnesota, Twin Cities, 0SA. }ane uoes ieseaich on how peisons cope with
auveisities, the meanings of violence to peipetiatois, anu the uevelopment of
violent behaviois. See }ane's othei aiticles, books, anu chiluien's stoiies on sciibu,
Kinule, Nook, anu othei inteinet bookselleis.






"#$%&''&(() "&*+&,() -'. /0+#+12-*+13

I'm kinu of an expeit on feeling ciappy anu what to uo about it. I've felt ciappy foi
much of my life. Being a social woikei uoes that. Social woikeis put themselves in
situations wheie people aie suffeiing. The huits of otheis huit us. Foi seveial yeais,
I woikeu uiiectly with chiluien anu families wheie the chiluien hau expeiienceu
abuse anu neglect. Aftei that, I inteivieweu peipetiatois anu suivivois of vaiious
types of violence foi moie than 2u yeais. I also have a long-teim ieseaich pioject
with chiluien anu families who have expeiienceu complex tiauma. I hau to leain
how to cope with feeling ciappy if I wanteu to continue as a social woikei anu have
a happy life.

!"#$%&&%'' "%')*+' ,"#- .)"+' +./+ 0# &#+ .%/*1 I've concluueu that many people aie bioken in
some ways. !"# %&'()* +",-, .-, /%00,-,') 1%'/& #0 2-#1,'',&&3 !" $%&' ()$&*+,- ! '%./ %./
!"#$"%& ()* &+$,$-.(#$-/ (," +(,- 0% 102 +"0+#" !"#$%&' )% )*"+! !"#$%&&%'' !"# %& &" '& ()*+
!"#!$##$%& #$()*--!! #$%!
!/25'&&'66

I can't imagine that anyone has a huit-fiee life. Being huit is an equal oppoitunity
expeiience. Some people have moie huit than otheis, but no one escapes
completely. 0nhealeu huit leaus to biokenness. Biokenness is like an open wounu
that uoes not heal. Nost of the time, we aie unawaie of oui biokenness. Then
something happens that touches olu wounus. We expeiience the huit all ovei again.
Some people aie so wounueu that they aie in a state of uistiess most of theii waking
houis. 0theis aie in uistiess spoiauically anu live most of theii lives with vaiying
uegiees of satisfaction anu contentment.

Nost of us entei the woilu ciying. Being pusheu out of the womb anu squeezing
thiough the biith canal aie not easy. Someone wipes us uown anu places us in oui
mothei's aims. We aie feu anu comfoiteu. That is the iueal when we aie huit: an
upsetting expeiience anu then comfoit. Being huit anu comfoiteu happens
iepeateuly. We aie hungiy. 0ui uiapeis neeu changing. We want to inteiact with
otheis. 0ui paients anu otheis iesponu. Nutual pleasuie happens. We aie
comfoiteu. Eventually, we iecognize caiing ielationships as love. Thioughout oui
lives, we seek to give anu ieceive love. Sometimes people aie so huit anu bioken,
they act as if they have given up on love. Big ueep into theii uespaii, anu theie is
usually some hope of love.

We become bioken when we aie huit anu not comfoiteu. Lack of iesponse to huit
leaus to unhealeu psychological wounus. Each of us is huit in oui own unique ways.
Examples of huits that many people expeiience aie paiental ueaths anu
abanuonments, witnessing paient veibal anu physical abuse of each othei oi of
siblings, chilu sexual abuse, anu sibling abuse. Sometimes the huit iesults fiom
paiental inattentiveness anu actions of siblings who uon't iealize that they aie
inflicting huit on othei chiluien in the family. Beie aie a few examples.

A 1S yeai-olu boy mocks his 8 yeai-olu sistei's attempts at uoing the same
cheeis as hei oluei sistei who is a cheeileauei. Be then laughs when she iuns
upstaiis anu hiues in a closet. The paients aie not home. When the little giil
tells hei mothei what hei biothei hau uone, the mothei says, "Ignoie him."
The little giil says, "I can't ignoie him. It huits." The mothei uoes not iesponu
anu uoes not iepiimanu the oluei biothei. Be mocks anu teases hei foi
yeais.

A 7 yeai-olu giil pinches hei 4 yeai-olu biothei anu laughs when he ciies.
The paients tell both kius, "Knock it off." When the little boy seeks comfoit,
the paients say, "Buck up. Bon't be a sissy."

Sometimes, because of pievious unhealeu huits, people begin to expect to be huit.
They inteipiet actions as huitful when, fiom othei points of view, they aie not.
Beie's an example. Bauuy comes home uiunk. Chiluien believe Bauuy must not love
them. They feel huit. They neeu immeuiate help to unueistanu that when Bauuy
gets uiunk, alcohol was on the top of his minu. Be likeu how he felt when he uiank.
Be uiank to the point wheie he got uiunk. Bis minu simply was not on his chiluien.
If he hau thought that getting uiunk means to his chiluien that he uoesn't love them,
he might not have gotten uiunk. 0n the othei hanu, what getting uiunk means to
him may often block out thoughts of what his chiluien might believe. Whatevei the
case might be, chiluien neeu help in unueistanuing that Bauuy gets uiunk anu
Bauuy loves them. Both aie tiue. 0f couise, if theie is convincing eviuence that
Bauuy uoesn't love them, chiluien neeu help with that. If Bauuy uoesn't love them,
that means Bauuy has a pioblem with love. The chiluien iemain loveable even if
Bauuy uoesn't have what it takes to love them.

Nany events cause wounus, but if othei people aie theie foi us, we leain to cope.
The wounus aie manageable, if not healeu.

So fai, the uiscussion has centeieu on chiluien anu young people. Auults, too, aie not
immune to huit. Those who get fiieu fiom a job oi laiu off, who go thiough a uivoice
oi a bieak up of a ielationship, oi who expeiience the ueath of a chilu oi othei
tiageuy have obvious huits. Bow auults cope uepenus a gieat ueal on how otheis
helpeu them to cope when they weie chiluien anu teens. Bifficult events in
chiluhoou can tiiggei memoiies of olu, unhealeu wounus. We expeiience a cascaue
of events, emotions, anu thoughts.

When we feel huit, we may feel unloveu. As we woik with managing oui emotional
wounus, we giauually can expeiience huit anu love at the same time. That is, we can
expeiience huit, sauness, loss, anu love simultaneously.

!'*)'76

Each peison is huit in hei oi his own unique ways, but the beliefs about the huit aie
suipiisingly similai. Nany chiluien who aie huit believe they aie bau anu uiu
something to ueseive being huit. 0thei common beliefs aie "No one likes me," "No
one loves me." "I'm stupiu," "I'm uiffeient," anu "I'm ugly." Some say, "I hate you," to
theii paients oi otheis. Still otheis say, "I'm going to kill myself." 0ften, it seems as
if we will feel this way foievei.

What chiluien believe about theii huits uepenus upon how paients anu otheis have
tieateu them in the past. If paients anu otheis have been sensitive anu iesponsive to
them in the past, they will seek comfoit fiom otheis. They tiust that otheis will help
them soit thiough the meanings of the huits, such as whethei oi not they aie bau
kius who ueseive to be tieateu bauly. Such chiluien have expeiienceu consistent,
iesponsive caie, although iaiely aie othei people theie foi us all of the time. We
leain the woiu !"#$ as the name of expeiiences of caiing, affiimation, anu
tenueiness. I believe the uesiie to love anu to be loveu is built into oui genes.

If paients have been of the "buck up" type, then chiluien may not seek otheis out.
They aie stuck with theii unshaieu beliefs about why they weie huit. Some of these
chiluien might seek to be with people who like oi love them, but they uon't talk
about theii beliefs about being bau, ugly, anu unloveu. They get comfoit but these
kinus of actions uon't get to the wounus themselves. They wounus iemain unhealeu.
Foi wounus to heal, it's as if someone has to place a healing fingei of love on them.
This is an exquisite expeiience.

If paients have ovei-ieacteu to huits in the past, chiluien may not seek otheis foi
feai of feeling even woise. Sometimes chiluien of ovei-ieacting paients uo not shaie
theii own huits because they aie piotective of theii paients. They see theii paients
as having theii own pioblems anu uon't want to auu to them. They may feel lost anu
alone with things that tiouble them. Chiluien who weie sexually abuseu anu auults
who weie sexually abuseu in chiluhoou sometimes uon't tell theii paients out of a
uesiie to piotect. They know theii paients love them, but they uon't tell them about
the abuse because they uon't want to upset them fuithei. They also aie afiaiu that
theii paients might stop loving them.

!'*)'76 8&9'/+/2,&9

Nost of us buiy negative beliefs about ouiselves so ueeply that we uon't iealize that
we have them. They stay with us thioughout oui lives. 0nly uuiing times of high
stiess we iealize that we have ueep-seateu beliefs about ouiselves anu what we
ueseive oi uon't ueseive. They aie beliefs that aiise when we aie babies anu young
chiluien. When we biing them to light, we can ueal with them anu see that they aie
untiue anu huitful. When we see them as leftoveis fiom eailiei ages. If we uon't
biing them to light, these baby beliefs influence how we think anu feel touay.

:4' ;<='/)'&>' 27 !/25'&&'66

When wounus aie toucheu, iaw emotion anu beliefs aie tiiggeieu. Nemoiies of olu
huits spiing back to life. Nany people go into a tailspin. Theii thoughts anu
emotions aie often chaotic anu confusing. Theii heait iates anu bloou piessuie go
up. Stiess hoimones aie ieleaseu into the bloou stieam. Biain ciicuits aie so active,
they piactically aie on fiie they aie so active. Even seemingly matuie anu well put-
togethei people may have this cascaue of memoiies, emotions, beliefs, anu bouily
iesponses. Reseaicheis call this state %&'($)*!+,-".. Bysiegulation huits so much we
uo whatevei it takes to get some ielief.

?2=)&+ @)34 !/25'&&'66

Foitunate auults have leaineu since chiluhoou that theie aie no easy answeis to
these poweiful states. They have to iun theii couise. Befoie we get to this
constiuctive minu set, we usually fiist uo things we latei iegiet, such as taking
things out on otheis, ovei eating, oi uiiving iecklessly. Some people make seek ielief
thiough uiugs, alcohol, oi sex. In fact, these unkinu anu self-uestiuctive acts may
piou us into iealizing that we aie uysiegulateu. Foitunate peisons uo something
constiuctive, such as finuing someone to talk to, meuitating, jouinaling, anu uoing
vigoious exeicise while allowing themselves to expeiience whatevei is going on foi
them. Thiough such means, the uysiegulation comes to a natuial enu, anu we can let
go of the painful emotions anu beliefs.

Nany people leain too late oi not at all that uysiegulation is a piocess that has to
iun its couise. Because uysiegulation huits, we shoit-ciicuit the piocess anu push
oui emotions anu beliefs unueigiounu. We aie at iisk to uevelop health pioblems,
like chionic uepiession, alcoholism, uiug auuiction, sexual auuictions, heauaches,
pooi eating habits, heait tiouble, anu uiabetes. We may become pieoccupieu with
oui own pioblems oi numb to them. As a iesult, we become emotionally anu
psychologically uistant fiom otheis. The unueilying issues may uevelop a life of
theii own, popping out in inappiopiiate situations with inappiopiiate people.

When we push oui issues unueigiounu, we aie at iisk to uevelop auuitional beliefs.
Foi example, iathei than facing uown beliefs about ouiselves as bau, ugly, stupiu,
anu unwoithy, some people view otheis this way. When we see othei people like
this, we may believe that we can tieat otheis as bau, ugly, stupiu, anu unwoithy. We
then aie at iisk to be abusive anu ciuel.

When we uon't giapple with anu let uo of negative beliefs about ouiselves, we may
put ouiselves on a pity pot anu feel soiiy foi ouiselves. We now have a goou excuse
not to uo much with oui lives. We may then uevelop othei beliefs about how
incompetent we aie anu how pathetic. We spiial fuithei uownwaiu, cieating self-
fulfilling piophesies.

In states of self-pity, we aie at iisk to uevelop a sense of entitlement. We give
ouiselves peimission to take whatevei we want without iegaiu foi what otheis
might want. We believe we ueseive whatevei it is we want. In gioceiy stoies, we
pop giapes into oui mouths without paying . We snip a iose out of a neighboi's
gaiuen. We buy silvei tablewaie we know is stolen. When we have beliefs of
entitlement, we not only aie out of touch with oui own innei beliefs anu emotions,
but we also out of touch with the innei beliefs anu states of otheis. We uon't think
about the effects of oui behaviois on otheis. Sauly, we put ouiselves at iisk, too.
What, foi example, might happen if someone sees you nicking the neighboi's iose oi
the cops tiace the stolen silvei to you. Common sense becomes uncommon when
we have beliefs of entitlement anu act of them.

Foitunate auults uon't uevelop self-pity anu beliefs of entitlement. We know
thiough oui own expeiience that bau things happen to goou people anu that we aie
goou people. We see ouiselves anu otheis as flaweu anu bioken, anu we love
ouiselves anu otheis foi oui biokenness anu oui goouness. We aie in touch with
oui beliefs anu emotions anu have iegaiu foi the beliefs anu emotions of otheis. We
spenu time piomoting the inteiests of otheis without seeking iecognition oi iewaiu
othei than innei satisfaction. In shoit, we aie capable of love.

We also know that we aie ueeply flaweu human beings who aie capable of huiting
otheis anu ouiselves. When we uo, we take coiiective measuies. We may talk things
out with othei, fiist peihaps otheis not involveu in a uifficult situation. We may
meuitate on what we uiu anu jouinal. Then we talk to the people we may have
haimeu. We listen to anu accept whatevei otheis have to say about oui behaviois.
We take full iesponsibility foi oui actions anu take appiopiiate measuies to iepaii
the uamage. If otheis uon't want to ueal with us, we iespect that.

We know what love is because we have expeiienceu love; that is, we have
expeiienceu sensitive anu iesponsive caie anu have expeiienceu the satisfaction,
peace, anu contentment that come along with such caie. We believe that feeling
loveu anu loving give meanings to oui lives.

Bysiegulation anu negative beliefs about the self aie pait of being human anu have
nothing to uo with woithiness oi unwoithiness, being goou oi being bau. To live as
if this is tiue iequiies effoit. No mattei how well put-togethei anyone is, we have
much to leain about oui ueepei selves anu othei peisons. 0ui seaich foi meaning
anu foi unueistanuing uoes not enu.

;&3)3*'.'&3 8&/'*%3'9 32 !/25'&&'66

Some chiluien appeai to uevelop beliefs of entitlement that aie unielateu to self-
pity anu to biokenness. Naybe theii paients anu othei auults uiu not help them to
uevelop beliefs anu values that sensitize them to the uignity anu woith of otheis.
Naybe no one taught them to think about the well-being of otheis. Naybe they nevei
leaineu to shaie, but paients anu otheis alloweu them to take what they wanteu
without ieminuing them that they ieally uo have to think about what othei people
might want. Chiluien like this giow into young people anu auults whose beliefs go
like this. "Big me. Little you." "If I can take auvantage of you oi of a situation, I will."
"I have so many inteiesting things to say. People love to heai my stoiies." "If I can
make someone else uo something, then I'm on top." "What's mine is mine. What's
youis is mine." People like this aie uifficult to ueal with anu can become clevei at
getting otheis to uo theii biuuing. They may have intuitions about the emotional
wounus anu huits of otheis. Rathei than being compassionate anu empathic, they
use the vulneiabilities of otheis to get what they want.

Chiluien, young people, anu auults who aie like this take auvantage of the powei
they have ovei otheis. They continually huit otheis anu appeai unawaie,
inuiffeient, anu self-congiatulatoiy. Chiluien, spouses, anu employees of peisons
who have these beliefs anu who act this way iequiie a gieat ueal of euucation to
help them unueistanu the consequences of the behaviois that iesult fiom these
beliefs.. People who have these beliefs anu who act this way may oi may not be
seeking peace anu contentment but they uo seek excitement anu a sense of
accomplishment at being moie poweiful than otheis. Even they, maybe, aie seeking
what most eveiyone else seeks: a spiiitual connection. Foi the iest of us, a self-
piotective uistancing anu hope that they will change appeai to be the
compassionate iesponses. Compassionate, too, is the hope that they can finu theii
way to some appieciation of spiiitual connection thiough iespect foi the uignity anu
woith of otheis.

-=)/)3,%*)3"

Spiiituality is a sense of goouness, love, stability, connection, anu meaning. Buman
beings begin theii lives with a kinu of innei gyioscope that seeks this lovely state. In
infancy, this state of being is suivival. When infants ciy, they aie uncomfoitable anu
seek the pleasuie anu even bliss of touch, foou, inteiaction, anu clean uiapeis. They
seek a loving, lovely state of being. When they iun towaiu uauuy anu mommy with
aims outstietcheu, they aie seeking this state of being. They seek love.

I believe this state is being is a kinu of "set point," meaning we aie maue to long foi
anu to seek foi this state of being. This state of being incluues not only love, but
affiimation anu a sense that I'm ok, eveiyone else is ok, anu all is iight in the woilu,
even when we also know how sau anu uifficult things can be anu how flaweu we anu
otheis aie.

Theie aie many othei uefinitions of spiiituality that aie connecteu to vaiious
ieligions, ieligious faith, anu ethnic iuentities. In this aiticle, spiiituality is
unconnecteu to ieligion anu ethnicity but is a state of being associateu with love,
lovingness, anu affiimation.

?/,'* 0>36 %&9 -=)/)3,%* A2&+)&+

When we expeiience biokenness, we aie in an uncomfoitable state of being. We
seek to ie-establish connection to with a sense of iightness, of peace, affiimation,
contentment, happiness anu sometimes excitement. I fiist saw this with chilu
molesteis, of all people. Nany uesciibeu a sense of feeling ciappy as a step towaiu
seeking a chilu to abuse. When something went wiong, the fiist thing many of them
thought of was to have sex with a chilu. It woikeu. I heaiu men uesciibe the
expeiience of chilu sexual abuse as "bliss," "the gieatest feeling in the woilu," anu a
"love affaii." 0ne man calleu it a fix, because it "fixeu how I was feeling." Talk about
selfish entitlement. They wanteu to feel bettei. They uiu whatevei it took. They hau
callous uisiegaiu foi the chiluien anu foi those who loveu the chiluien. They uiun't
even think about long-teim consequences foi themselves.

Nen suivivois of chiluhoou abuse anu neglect anu who weie sexual auuicts anu not
abuseis tolu me that since chiluhoou they hau mastuibateu seveial times a uay in
oiuei to feel bettei. I then began to see haimful anu self-uestiuctive behaviois as
attempts to cheei themselves. 0thei men anu women I inteivieweu cheeieu
themselves up with foou, alcohol, gambling, uominating otheis, going on spenuing
spiees, embezzlement, anu getting into fights in bais. These aie effoits to finu that
"set point," that state of being wheie all is iight in the woilu.

0==*)>%3)2&6 32 B"6'*7

I then iealizeu that I sometimes useu foou to cheei myself up, to feel bettei. Angei at
othei uiiveis on the ioau, uancing, swimming, playing the flute, anu going foi walks
weie othei ways of cheeiing myself up. 0thei ways I uevelopeu ovei time weie
going to chuich, joining Al-Anon, leaining ways of ueveloping conscious contact
with something spiiitual outsiue of myself, within me, anu in all of life. Some became
pait of me natuially anu some with conscious effoit. Like the men I hau
inteivieweu, I chose actions that woikeu, that cheeieu me up, that helpeu me feel
stability anu peace.

-).)*%/)3)'6

As I talkeu to men who committeu violence anu men suivivois who uiu not commit
violence, I saw the similaiities anu uiffeiences. Nen of both types often hau
negative beliefs such as "I'm no goou." "No one loves me." "I can't uo anything iight."
"I'm woithless." Nany fiom both gioups also hau gieat capacities foi uysiegulation.
They coulu go into seemingly enuless tailspins anu weave fantasies about what
othei people aie uoing to them anu what they'u like to uo to otheis. In these
negative belief systems, these men aie no uiffeient the iest of us.


C)77'/'&>'6

The fiist uiffeience I noticeu between men who acteu out in violent ways anu men
suivivois who uiu not weie that the men suivivois hau the capacity to shaie theii
emotions anu beliefs with otheis, anu they sought people out in oiuei to uo so. They
sometimes waiteu foi yeais until they founu someone they tiusteu. They also weie
in touch with theii own emotions; that is, they knew anu nameu theii emotions. 0n
the whole, they uiu not uistance themselves fiom theii innei states.

The men who acteu out in violent ways uiu not shaie theii beliefs anu emotions.
Nan aftei man tolu me that they simply uiu not shaie. Some hau no iuea what
emotions aie. A few hau shaieu instances of abuse anu neglect with people outsiue
of the family but the people they confiueu in iepoiteu back to the paients who
abuseu them foi telling. They stoppeu talking to otheis about things that botheieu
them.

The next uiffeience I noticeu weie beliefs about entitlement. In seeking to feel
bettei; that is, in seeking a state of bliss, stability, connection, happiness, anu love,
the men who committeu violent acts hau beliefs of entitlement that they coulu uo
whatevei they wanteu to in oiuei to get to this state of being. They uisiegaiueu the
effects of theii behaviois on otheis anu the long-teim effects on themselves.

Some believeu themselves to be monsteis to behave this way, but whenevei they
weie about to sexually abuse again, thoughts of being a monstei evapoiateu.
0theis, especially those who committeu acts of physical aggiession took piiue in the
amount of uamage they inflicteu anu the physical uamage to theii own bouies.
Bioken jaws anu black eyes weie maiks of couiage anu manhoou.

A few men suivivois tolu me that they hau hau sexual fantasies about chiluien. This
alaimeu them so much, they not only avoiueu being with chiluien, but they also
sought theiapy. Theii beliefs about the uignity anu woith of chiluien stoppeu them
fiom acting out theii fantasies. They uiun't want to have to view themselves as chilu
molesteis. They uiun't want the uisgiace when the molestation came to light. They
uiun't want to huit chiluien anu otheis who loveu the chiluien. A few otheis saiu
that they hau hit theii wives anu giilfiienus anu sought tieatment because they uiu
not want to be that way. Rathei than finuing bliss anu fulfillment in physical
aggiession, they weie hoiiifieu at what they hau uone anu founu ieason to change
theii ways. Seveial of the men suivivois weie active in Alcoholics Anonymous anu
Naicotics Anonymous. They iealizeu that theii attempts at coping thiough uiugs
anu alcohol huit themselves anu otheis. They sought othei ways of attaining the
bliss, contentment, love, anu connection they often wanteu uespeiately.


86 %&9 :4'.

Nost of us aie not chilu molesteis, wife beateis, anu muiueieis. We many nevei
have hit anothei peison oi became alcoholics anu auuicts of othei types. 0ui beliefs
stop us. Consiueiations of effects of oui behaviois stop us. Foi example, when we
say, "I coulu stiangle hei" oi "I hope he uies a slow anu painful ueath," othei beliefs
anu images spiing to life, such as how iiuiculous those thoughts aie anu how awful
it woulu be if these things came tiue.

It took me a few yeais of listening to how pleasuiable violence is to see that I took
pleasuie in thinking violent thoughts anu imagining violent actions, howevei biiefly.
I useu to laugh foi a seconu when I imagineu iamming into a cai whose uiivei hau
just cut me off. Then images of bloou anu goie, ciasheu cais, pain anu suffeiing
spiang to life in my imagination. I stoppeu laughing at the thought of committing
such acts anu laugheu at myself foi ieacting that way. I believeu I was bettei than
that. I believeu I hau no iight to huit otheis, no mattei what they uo.

Spiiitual longings appeai to be at the ioot of haimful acts, helpful acts, anu most if
not all acts. People who haim otheis anu themselves want states of connection,
peace, love, meaning, fulfillment, excitement, fun, satisfaction, accomplishment, anu
bliss. Theie is nothing wiong with what they want. Bow they go about getting what
they want is wiong.

I believe that spiiitual longings aie pait of oui BNA anu aie necessaiy foi suivival.
Beyonu the uesiie to suivive, oui longings biing uepth, bieauth, anu meaning to oui
lives when we act in loving ways towaiu self anu otheis anu seek to uo no haim.

C)6>,66)2&

I am beginning to think that in many ways, we aie not that uiffeient fiom people
who commit gieat haim to otheis anu to themselves. We shaie many negative
beliefs with them. The uiffeiences appeai to be in oui positive, life-enhancing
beliefs. We uo not act on the evil in oui heaits because we anticipate negative
consequences anu we uo not want to haim othei people anu ouiselves. 0ui beliefs
in the uignity anu woith of otheis stop us fiom acting bauly. 0theis who uo haimful
things may believe this, too, but at the pivotal moments theii life-enhancing beliefs
uo not activate themselves. Theii negative beliefs have no pushback. Baim ensues
even as they expeiience fulfillment, bliss, anu even love, at least tempoiaiily. Nost
people who uo teiiible things to otheis aie only pait-time mean anu uestiuctive.
0theis often view them as loving membeis of families anu pillais of the community.
0f couise, it only takes a one-time act to commit gieat haim to otheis anu to the self.

Some people who aie huit anu who uevelop negative beliefs eaily on aie left pietty
much on theii own. They uevelop few if any beliefs to help them hanule theii huit.
They may only infiequently expeiience the goouness that is all aiounu us anu within
each living being. They may have buiieu a sense of hope unuei layeis of negative
expeiiences anu beliefs. It may take a lot to ueal with these layeis. Theie is always
hope.

I can love otheis who aie flaweu anu bioken anu who uo things I uon't like anu who
huit me. I can love myself even as I see myself as ueeply flaweu, bioken, anu neeuy.
I woik at loving myself even as I uo all of this impeifectly. It can take a lifetime of
goou foitune anu conscious effoit to expeiience life in this way, goou foitune in
teims of who was with is anu is with us along the way anu how we iesponueu anu
continue to iesponu to the goouness that is all aiounu anu within us.

D'7'/'&>'6

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