COPYRIGHT (2009) JOHN HUDSON & JENNY GREEMAN

THE SHAKESPEARE SHOW; A SHORT PLAY FOR 7 ACTORS

Announcer 1: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to another exciting round of History

Smackdown. Tonight's match-up -

Announcer 2: More than a match up, a melee!

Announcer 1: That's for sure. Tonight's contest is of epic proportions. It's the piece de la
resistance.

Announcer 2: The crème de la crème.

Announcer 1: The Alpha and Omega.

Announcer 2: That's right. The one you've all been waiting for: The Battle of the Bard!
(Crowd cheers).

Announcer 1: And is this crowd fired up!

Announcer 2: And with good reason. Tonight's debate will decide once and for all who
really wrote the works attributed to William Shakespeare. (Crowd noises - some cheers,
some boos. Some "we want Will, we want Will", etc.)

Announcer 1: This is a very controversial debate, causing more outcry even than who
killed JFK, who's buried in Grant's Tomb, and who really won the 2000 U.S. presidential
election.

Announcer 2: That old William Shakespeare sure has a strong fan base.

Announcer 1: But will it be enough to knock out fierce competitors like Francis Bacon
and The Earl of Oxford?

Announcer 2: And don't forget that Dark Horse herself - The Dark Lady, Amelia
Bassano. (Cheers from the Crowd). As you can hear, support for this talented newcomer
is strong.

Announcer 1: There have already been some early disqualifications. Let's check in with
our Host Apollo who's backstage with the disappointed discards now.

Host: I'm standing here with Queen Elizabeth I -

Elizabeth: They know who I am!

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Host: So your Majesty, you're suggesting that you wrote the Shakespeare canon in your
spare time, while governing the country, fighting Spain, and exploring the New World?
Not bloody likely.

Neville: Over here with that microphone, young man. I'm Sir Henry Neville. My friends
call me Falstaff and my family once owned a paper that mentioned Shakespeare.

Host: Um, thank you, sir but only legitimate candidates are allowed for the contest. Well,
people are truly desperate to be part of this contest. I've got one more young woman here
in the rejects lounge. Ma'am, your name is?

Ann: Ann Whatley.

Announcer 1: You don't even exist!

Announcer 2: You’re a spelling mistake! You're nowhere! Puff! She’s gone.

Host: I think we'd best get on with the main event. (sound of bells being run, the crowd
hushes). The rules are simple. I will ask a series of questions. Each candidate will be
scored on his or her answers on a scale of one to ten. The candidate with the highest score
will be declared winner, gain immortal fame, sit in the Poet’s Chair and be crowned with
a wreath of laurels. (Crowds cheer!) The losers will be dragged off to hell.

Announcer 1: Banished forever to a dusty microfiche, never to be researched by a grad

student ever again (gasps and grumbles from the panel).

Host: I will now introduce the candidates.

Christopher Marlowe, the author of Dr Faustus ..(he says hello), etc.
Earl of Oxford, one of the leading contenders…
Countess Mary Sidney, a well known landowner…
Sir Francis Bacon, the well known scientist and statesman…
Mr William Shagspere, the glover’s son from Stratford on Avon …
AND the rank outsider who nobody has ever heard of, the so called Dark Lady, the
feminist Jewish poet Amelia Bassano Lanier….

Host: Now, for the first question to Mr. Marlowe:

And the question is; Are you a poet. Can you prove it independently from the plays?
Marlowe. ‘Sure I’ve written several plays and long poems” (Cheers).
Host: 10 points. Now for Oxford.
Oxford. “I’ve written a few short poems. But I can’t spell very well. I think I wrote a
play as well once with some friends, maybe, but I don’t have a copy.”
Host: 6 points. Now Sir Francis Bacon.
Bacon. “I’ve written a few poems mostly translations. Nothing famous. I’m not really a
poet though I do like making up words. But I did design some of the masques that were
performed at Grays Inn”.

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Host: 7 points. And what about you William Shakespeare.

Shakespeare: ”Some people think I wrote the inscription on my tomb. Blessed be the
man who spares these stones and cursed be he that moves my bones. Rather good, no?
(expectant noises from the crowd). That’s it.” (crowd is disappointed).
Host: 1 point, (boos). Now for Mrs Lanier
Amelia. “I wrote a long 1600 line poem Salve Deus under my own name and another
3,000 line poem-play under a pseudonym” .
Host: 7 points. And now for the last contestant Countess Mary Sidney
Sidney. “I’ve written three or four poems and translated a play. I also translated the
Psalms ---with the help of my assistant”.
Host: 5 points

Host. Next question. The plays show a lot of knowledge of Italy. You have one minute
to prove to the studio audience how well you know Italian and Italy”. We will start with
you Earl
Oxford; Yes I have toured all over Italy. Didn’t like the place. But yes I speak some
Italian.
Host: 8 points . And you Sir Francis.
Bacon; I speak good Italian.
Host: 7 points. Mrs Lanier?
Amelia “ I speak excellent Italian. My family are Italian so it is my native tongue. Siamo
venuto da Venezia ed abbiamo posseduto una casa la. Èche cosa abbiamo
parlato nella nostra famiglia.
Host; Translation please?
Amelia. We came from Venice and owned a house there. Italian is what we spoke in our
family”.
Host: 10 points. Over to you Countess.
Sidney. I have learnt Italian .
Host: 7 points. Mr Marlowe?
Marlowe; Yes I speak good Italian, but I cant prove it to you.
Host: 5 points . And for you William
Shagspeare; I admit I don’t speak Italian, but I know the waiter Lucio at my local
Italian restaurant and he gives me some words. (Boos.) That's what Samuel Schoenbaum
Said, "The Italian in the plays could have been picked up at any local Italian restaurant."
(cheers)
Amelia: You clown! What about reading Cinthio, Dante, Bandello, Tasso, Di Sommi, Il
Cesare, Il Pecorone. You don't do that while ordering pasta. (Cheers)
Host: Quiet please, everyone. Mr. Shagspeare, I'm afraid that's zero points. (crowd
noises)
Announcer 1: Well, the crowd is certainly getting a show tonight.

Host. Now a tough one. Question number three. What is your familiarity with the law?
How are you able to write plays that have more technical legal terminology than
Francis Beaumont, a trained lawyer. We will start with you Sir Francis.

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Bacon. “Simple. I was England’s top lawyer. Treasurer of Gray’s Inn and Attorney
General. I knew more law than anybody” (Cheers )
Host: 10 points. Mr Marlowe?
Marlowe; Now there you’ve got me. I just have an educated man’s knowledge of law.”
Host: 1 point. And for you Mr Shagspere?
Shagspeare; “I would watch my father once a fortnight when he presided over minor
debt cases among the townsfolk in Stratford”.
Host: Hmm. 2 points. Mrs Lanier?
Amelia; “ I lived for 10 years with Lord Hunsdon who held 3 judgeships. He had his law
office in the house. I helped him out with cases all the time. That’s how I learned to
conduct my own lawsuits which went on for 10 years and went to the Privy Council”.
(cheers)
Host: That’s brilliant. That like our Supreme Court. Did you win at the Privy Council?
Amelia. Yes I won. (cheers)
Host 7 points. And for you Countess?
Sidney. “No that’s got me. I have no legal background” (boos).
Host: 0 points. Over to you Earl Oxford
Oxford; “I studied law at Gray’s Inn” (clapping from audience)
Host: 6 points

Host Now I’m really going to put one of you under the spotlight.
(drumroll, hushed crowd). Mr Marlowe, I have here evidence that some of your lines
from other plays and writing in your style appeared in King John and in Titus
Andronicus. But then the so-called Marlowe hand stopped, around 1593, though the
plays were being written until 1611. What is your explanation. Did you write these early
plays? If so why did you stop? (Silence)

Marlowe.; “Well, I admit it I helped someone write them, in fact, I trained that someone
to be a playwright. Someone with whom I was having an affair. Someone who is on this
very panel! (Gasps!)

(Sound of a screeching)

Announcer 1: Ladies and Gentlemen at home, you'll never believe this.

Announcer 2: I'm not sure I do and I just saw it.

Announcer 1: Christopher Marlowe was just dragged out by the secret police of Queen
Elizabeth the First.
Announcer 2: I understand she was rejected from the panel, but this is ridiculous!
Announcer 1: I have a feeling there was a darker reason than that.

Host: My Lords Ladies and Gentlemen, Silence, please! Panelists, are you ready to
continue? (reactions) Well, which one of you was it? Marlowe was just about to tell us.
Was it you he was working with Oxford? (reaction) Was it you, Will? (reaction) He was
bi-sexual, so he could have been sleeping with any of you? How about you Sir Francis,

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you are gay I believe. Or what about you two ladies? Which of you will admit to having
an affair with Mr Marlowe?....Nobody? Well, it appears we must go on unsatisfied.

Host. My next question is about music. The author of the plays had immense musical
knowledge more than any other playwright. So tell me about your musical background.
Countess you go first.
Sidney, “I organized an arts and culture center in my home and I had a set of virginals at
home and I played the violin”
Host: 4 points. Earl of Oxford how about you?
Oxford; “I also organized an arts and culture centre in my home and I was well known
for my interest in three point harmony. John Farmer said that whereas some make music
their recreation, I made it my profession”.
Host: 5 points. Mrs. Lanier?
Amelia; “I grew up with expert musicians all around. My family were the court recorder
troupe and our relatives were the court violin troupe. Music was the family business.”
(cheers)
Host: 10 points. And how about you, Sir Francis?
Bacon; “I have written about music. Dancing to song, is a thing of great state and
pleasure. I understand it, that the song be in choir, placed aloft, and accompanied with
some broken music; and the ditty fitted to the device. Acting in song, especially in
dialogues, has an extreme good grace. Several choirs, placed one over against another, and
taking the voice by catches, anthem-wise, give great pleasure.” (sound of crickets, if
possible)
Host: Hmm. That’s a bit theoretical. Very well, 2 points. And now for you William, you
are trailing in last place, so this had better be good. Tell the audience how you were able
to write plays that were more musical than any others in the country.
Shagspeare; “I was too busy making money to have the luxury to learn music. But God
inspired me. It is my natural genius.” (boos)
Host: 0 points. Take him away.

SD Bell noise, goes dark. Figures come in and take Mr Shagspeare away.

Host : So we are now down to only four serious contestants. My next question is about
falconry. In The Taming of the Shrew, the woman Kate is treated like a falcon. The
plays show unusual interest in falconry, not only from the point of view of a lord who
goes out hunting, but from the technical viewpoint of the falconers who look after the
birds. You have one minute. We will start with you Sir Francis.

Bacon. “As Lord of St Albans I had country estates and went hunting with falcons. So
did everyone in the nobility”
Host: 6 points. Countess?
Sidney. “As Countess of Pembroke and owner of a 22,000 acre estate in Wiltshire I agree.
Everyone practiced falconry”.
Host; 6 points. Oxford?

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Oxford. “As the Earl of Oxford I agree with my esteemed colleagues. We all went out
hunting.”
Host: 6 points. And last for you Mrs. Lanier. Unlike some of the other panelists you
were not born into a noble family.
Amelia. “ No, although I was adopted by a countess at age 7. But that is not how I
learnt about falcons. As I stated earlier, I lived with Lord Hunsdon in Somerset House,
next door to the Queen’s falconries in Charing Cross mews. He was the Royal Falconer
for 30 years. Then I married a man, of French ancestry, called Lanier -
Announcer 1: The French for falcon.
Amelia: Yes, and literally became Mrs Falcon. So that is what falcons mean to me.”
Host: 10 points

Host. Well we are making progress. My next question is about the Bible. The plays use
14 different translations of and 3000 quotations from the Bible. So tell me about your
expertise in the Bible. Mary Sidney you go first.
Sidney; “I am known for being a very religious Christian. I produced a translation of the
Psalms”.
Host. Very good 10 points. Oxford?
Oxford. My copy of the Bible is quite well known as someone did a doctoral thesis on it.
It is a 1570 Geneva Bible decorated with my coat of arms. In it I marked 1000 passages
and about 200 of them appear again in the plays…
Sidney (interrupts) “That still means that out of the 2000 passages used in the plays you
mention only 10%. And you can barely spell. You know nothing about Biblical
translation”
Host. Quiet please Countess. Stop harassing the other candidates. 7 points to you Earl .
Now you Sir Francis.
Bacon; I may be one of the first modern scientists who developed the experimental
method but I still believe in the Bible. The volume of the Scriptures, is laid before us to
reveal the will of God. No man upon a weak conceit of sobriety or an ill-applied
moderation think or maintain, that a man can search too far, or be too well studied in the
Book of God's Word. (cheers)
Host; That is lawyer speak. Do you have any expertise in the Bible Sir Francis? No?
Bacon: No. (gasps from the crowd).
Host: 0 points. Mrs. Lanier, back to you.
Amelia; “I was brought up by the Willoughbies who had been educated by Coverdale,
the Bible translator, and my book Salve Deus is the first feminist critique of the Gospels.
Host. OK. 9 points.

Host Now another difficult question, but we have to face it. The plays kept being
produced up to around 1611 and then in 1622 for the First Folio very substantial
revisions were made to many of the plays, like 163 extra lines added to Othello.
Announcer 2: (whispers) This is the question we've all been waiting for.
Host: If you are the real author you have to be alive around 1622 to make those
changes. So tell me. When did you die?

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Amelia; 1645.
Host; 10 points
Bacon; 1626.
Host; 10 points to Sir Francis. How about you Countess?
Sidney. 25 September 1621. I could have just done it.
Host; Not quite. You died a year too early. Oh very well, 10 points. And for you Earl of
Oxford. When did you die?
Oxford; I hate to say it but…..1604

(screeching as figures come and remove the Earl of Oxford)

Host. So now we are down to three contestants. I want to go back to something that
happened earlier. Did you have sex with Christopher Marlowe? Did he teach you the
craft of playwrighting? Countess?
Sidney; “Oh, all right. I admit it. Marlowe was my lover when we were very young. He
wrote a dedication to me and I was the blonde Venus in his poem Venus and Adonis.”
Host; 10 points. And you Sir Francis? (silence) Well, Sir Francis?
Bacon; “I, um, take the 5th Amendment. I refuse to answer in case it may tend to
incriminate me, homosexuality being illegal and all that." (Chorus of ooos.)
Host; 5 points. And that leaves you Amelia Lanier. Did you have an affair with Mr
Marlowe?
Amelia; “I….. admit it also. We met when he was a theology student and he taught me
the playwright’s craft. But he was very problematic and we broke up. I was devastated; I
cried for years. I wrote about it in A Lover’s Complaint.”

Host; 10 points. Well we are now down to only 3 contestants and have to separate them
out somehow.

Host; So let me ask another hard question. The plays contain some passages written in
Hebrew and others in which the sentences are written to have one meaning in English
and another in Hebrew. So tell me, did you speak Hebrew and how did you learn it? Sir
Francis?
Bacon; “I learnt some Hebrew at University”.
Host; OK 9 points. Amelia?
Amelia;”That is just book learning. My family were Marranos, hidden Jews. We spoke
Hebrew at home, and I use several Hebrew words in my book Salve Deus which refers to
the God of the Jews.”
Host; 10 points. Countess how about you?
Sidney. “ Well I don’t actually speak Hebrew, but my Psalm translations were made in
part direct from the Hebrew by my assistant.”
Host: That’s interesting. These are the same Psalm translations that a few minutes ago
earned you 10 points for your knowledge of the Bible. Now you are admitting you
didn’t do them. So who did? Who was your assistant?
Amelia: (clears throat)
Sidney: (quietly) It was Amelia.
Host: What was that?

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Sidney: (louder) I said, it was Amelia! She did it. (crowd goes wild)
Announcer 2: Well, this is an exciting turn of events! Mary Sidney's fans must be
crushed.
Host: So it was you Mrs. Lanier. That is how you knew each other. You were the person
who wrote those rare words in the Psalm translations that later appeared only in the plays
of Shakespeare. OK, 10 points deducted from Mary Sidney go to Amelia, Bassano,
Lanier. (crowd cheers).

(Darkness and a loud harsh noise as figures come and remove Mary Sidney)

Host. So we now just have two contestants left in the game. How are we going to find
out which one of them wrote the works of Shakespeare? Who is going to win the
priceless wreath of laurels, the poets crown? In the lead we have Amelia Bassano with
93 points, followed by Sir Francis who still has a sporting chance with 56 points. There
are many people out there supporting you Sir Francis. Up to now you have been the
leading alternative candidate---but now overtaken by this new dark horse, the Dark
Lady. All will hang on our last question. Are you ready?

Now for our last question. Listen carefully. The author of the plays somehow learnt
skills in sonnet writing. They also had a deep knowledge of silkweaving, that is referred
to in several plays---even though it was extremely rare. And the playwright also had
some knowledge of Welsh, for instance in Henry IVth. The simplest explanation of
how the author learnt this knowledge is through knowing a family of Welsh Puritans
called the Vaughans, who had a silk-weaving workshop. Their daughter Anne was the
inventor of the sonnet sequence and one of the four most educated women in the
country. Her son Henry wrote the longest sonnet sequence in English. So, for the final
question, tell the audience how did you know the Vaughans?

Amelia; “Very simple. They were my next door neighbours when I was growing up in
Spitalfields and best friends with my parents. Stephen Vaughan was even the Overseer
of my mother’s will.” (Cheers)
Host; 10 points. Can you beat that Sir Francis?
Bacon; “ Sorry. You got me on this one. I didn’t know the Vaughans and I know nothing
of silk weaving…”
Host: O points (screeching noise, boos)

Host; “Amelia Bassano you have 103 points you are our winner.” (Clapping, cheers)
“ I now crown you with the Poets crown so that you will be recognized for the rest of
history as the true Author of the plays of William Shakespeare”.

Two large swans appear in the air and circle around her head. The audience throw
flower petals onto the stage. The other candidates begin dancing a jig around her.
Cheers.

The parts were played as follows……