This guide is great!

Its an essential for any girl visiting Pakistan after 10 years Anonymous The ULTIMATE Girls Guide to Saving Yourself from the RKWA (Rishtay Karnay Wali Aunties)

Authors Note:

This book is an important guide to saving yourself from the dreaded RKWA, also known as Rishtay Karnay Wali Aunties. RWKA are found all around the world, and it is very important to save yourself from this dangerous species. If you are a Canadian citizen, you need to be especially aware of any RKWA that live in Pakistan. They have an added interest in you because they know you can sponsor their son to Canada. This puts your life in extra danger, and we hope that this guide will be useful to you in protecting your singlehood for as many years as you need to.

Best of luck.

1.

How to greet the RWKA.

First impressions ALWAYS matter. It is important to let the RKWA know that you are not interested from the very start. Because RKWAs are usually very traditional, any form of Western attitudes tends to worry them from the start. Therefore, try to greet them using all the Western slang and attitude you can think of. Here is an example:

You: Sup, auntie? Everythings aiite. Whaddup wit you, my uhh.. mother of anotha daughter? RWKA: Haaaiii tauba tauba *walks away* You: *smile.* Mission accomplished!

2.

What to wear.

Some RKWA think its nice to give the girl a second chance. This is not good. If your speaking habits cant ward them off, try changing your look a bit. Start by applying some black eyeshadow under your eyes to make yourself look really tired. DO NOT use any concealer. In fact, there are two things you should do instead. Take an extremely dark foundation and apply it all over your body. And dont forget to draw on a few extra pimples and some ugly scars for added effect. You can also try painting your nails with yellow nail polish to make it look like you have jaundice. If you know from ahead of time when the RWKA is coming, DO NOT take a shower for as many days leading up their visit. Here is an example of a typical RKWA reaction to this: RKWA: Areyyy betaaa! Meri taraf toh dekho You: *turns around* RKWA: *tries to stifle a scream* Oh Acha beta, ab ham chaltay hain Khuda Hafiz *runs away* You: *smile* Mission accomplished!

3.

Attack them personally.

Most RKWAs think very highly of themselves. This is a common misconception amongst the RKWA that can be easily cleared up with some personal attacks against them. The number one thing RKWAs take most personally is THEIR SIZE! This is because most RKWAs tend to be rather large in proportions but try to deny it by saying they are very healthy. Here is an example: RKWA: Salaam beta, wow tum kitni bari ho gaye ho! Pichli baar jab maine tumhe dekha tha, tum toh itni choti si thi kaise waqt guzar ja tha hai (Note: This is a VERY typical thing for an RKWA to say. Beware.) You: Salaam auntie! Wow aap bi kaafi moti ho thi ja rahi hain RKWA: *dirty look, and walks away* You: *shout after her* Aap darwazein se nikhal jaye gi? Zyada chota to nahin hai?? RWKA: *runs* You: *smile* Mission accomplished.

4.

Dont show any knowledge about cooking or cleaning.

Every RKWA wants to make sure that the girl knows how to cook and clean. This has a lot to do with their traditional customs, but there is also another reason for this that most RKWA dont want you to know they want their daughter-in-law to take over the kitchen so that they can invest more time in gossiping, crying over dramas on TV, and most importantly, becoming healthier (See the previous page for the RKWA definition of healthy). Its best to let them know that you dont even know the basics of cooking, because that shows them there really is no hope for you. For example, never make your roti round. Try experimenting with different shapes, and always make sure to burn it slightly. Here is another way to let the RKWA know that you cant cook:

You: *brings in chai* RKWA: *takes a sip and sprays it back out* Beta is mai kya dala hai?? Cheeni ya namak? You: Oh, namak mujhe cheeni aur namak ka farak kabhi nahi samaj atti auntie! RKWA: Oh Acha beta, ab ham chaltay hain Khuda Hafiz *runs away* You: *smile* Mission accomplished!

5.

Avoid any conversation with the RKWA

RKWAs like to engage a girl in conversation to learn more about them. This is a dangerous tool they use, and you need to be careful of falling into their trap. The best thing to do is to remain quiet and act dumb. They use this tool not only to gather information about you, but also to observe your body language and your manners. Therefore, this is also a great way for you to teach them a bit about yourself and ultimately make them lose interest in you. Here is a great example of what to do when they try to make conversation with you: RKWA: Aur beta, apne barey mein sunao. Aap kya parahi ho? You: *stares off into space* RKWA: Uhh acha toh app apna time pass karney ke liye kya karti ho? You: *keep staring off into space. For extra effect, start drooling* RKWA: *getting a little uncomfortable* Oh Acha beta, ab ham chaltay hain Khuda Hafiz *runs away* You: *smile* Mission accomplished!

6.

Never let them think their food is good.

As mentioned previously, RKWAs think very highly of themselves. They also think that they are the best cooks in the world. This is a common psychological problem with RKWAs, as they try to deny their bad cooking by boasting about it instead. If they invite you to their house, its hard to avoid eating their food. So if you have to eat it, make sure you dont tell them it was good. In fact, its best to pretend that you got really sick because of their food. The easiest way to do this is to run to the bathroom right after the first bite and pretend to throw up. Heres an example of how this would work: You: *make barfing noises from the bathroom* RKWA: Arey beta, sab teekh hai? Haaaai kya ho gaya hai?? You: Kuch nahi auntie, shahid khanay mein chooay ka baal aa gaya tha RKWA: acha?!?! Nahi aisay toh nahi ho sakta You: Hmm Well thats what it tasted like you know. RKWA: *kicks you out of the house* You: *smile* Mission accomplished!

We hope this guide will help you avoid any encounters with the RKWA in any part of the world. Although we werent able to cover all possible scenarios, we hope that this guide has inspired you to make your own decisions on how to act with the RKWA. If, however, you are unsuccessful and end up getting captured by some RKWA and have to get married, we wish you the best of luck. You can then refer to our other book, The ULTIMATE Girls Guide to Impressing the RKWA: Rishtay Karney Wali Aunties. And coming soon. The ULTIMATE Girls Guide to Coping with the Saas. ** With bonus chapter on dealing with your father in law!**