09/01/2013

Emotional Competency - Relationships

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Relationships
The history of interactions
A relationship is the history of interactions between two or more people. Relationships are based on reciprocitymutual exchange. Although each relationship has many features that define it, one pervasive characteristic is the level of symmetry of the exchanges. A relationship is either symmetrical and peerbased, or it is asymmetrical and power-based. In a peer based relationship each person regards the others as their equal. In a power based relationship, one person is in the one-up position, the position of power, and the other is in the one-down submissive position. This ranking may be well know and accepted, it may be disputed by the people in the relationship, the actual ranking may be inverted from the apparent or expected ranking, or it may be unknown to the people in the relationship.

Relationship Status
A relationship exists whenever two people meet or communicate. This relationship can have a wide variety of characteristics, which we call the relationship status. The tone of communication contributes to the relationship status, and of course the relationship status contributes to the tone of communication. Various possible dimensions of the relationship, and extremes establishing each pole, are listed in the following table:

Dimension

Pole (Favorable)

Blend

Pole (Difficult)

Expectations Outlook History (Time past)

None Hopeful, Optimistic First Meeting

Many Doubtful, pessimistic Long History together, many shared experiences One time only

Longevity (Time future)

A long future together.

Motivation

Voluntary (Autonomy)

Fear (Coercion)

Trust

High Trust

Distrust

Goals

Shared, compatible

Divergent

Cohesion Symmetry, power structure Common Values

Strong - we want this to work

Weak - there is nothing here for us

Symmetrical - we are peers Many core values are shared

Asymmetrical - power is apparent. Many value differences

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Common Values Agreeableness Cooperation Flexibility

Many core values are shared Friendly, helpful Cooperative Flexible, pliable, adaptable

Many value differences Unfriendly, disagreeable, antagonistic Uncooperative, rebellious, resentful stubborn, rigid, constrained

Arousal Level Deliberation and decision style Evidence Style

Calm

Agitated

Rational

Emotional

Factual, objective evidence

Speculative, faith based

Allocation Strategy

win-win

win-lose

Resources Available

Abundance Abundant, leisurely, plenty of time Low

Scarcity Scarce, hurried, our time for this meeting is short. High

Time available together

Stakes, value at risk Complexity of issues addressed. Information access

Simple

Complex

Open, sharing

Closed, secretive Disingenuous, insincere, pretentious, deceitful, avoidance. Low or unbalanced Exploitative, dishonest, manipulative, deceitful, tricky A depends heavily on B A is the expert, B is the student Chaotic, unpredictable, turbulent Discordant Distant

Authenticity Literacy, education, intelligence. Integrity, conscientiousness Dependencies (power related) Knowledge Base Organization Style Chemistry Closeness

Genuine, sincere, authentic High, similar, and balanced Honest, honorable, straight forward. Each is Self-reliant We share relevant domain knowledge Orderly, disciplined, managed Harmonious Intimate

Relationship Modes
Combinations of the various relationship states described above can occur in many recognizable patterns by stimulating limbic attractors. Popular names for these relationship modes include: frosty, in the dog house, estranged, close, antagonistic, warm, intimate, tumultuous, parent / child, teacher / student, adult, peer, healthy, strained, manipulative, platonic, dtente, poisoned, volatile, strained, abusive, and oppressive. Each of these terms informally refers to a constellation of particular relationship states. Mutual Relationships: Relationships can be primarily mutual, where the people are connected, work as peers, and benefit each other. In mutual relationships there is openness to influence, emotional availability, and a constantly

other. In mutual relationships there is openness to influence, emotional availability, and a constantly changing pattern of responding to and affecting the others state. Reciprocity is observed. Alternatively the relationship can be power-based where it serves to preserve a hierarchy, and reinforce the dominant and submissive stature of the members.

Lasting Romantic Relationships

Dr. Neil Clark Warren, clinical Psychologist and founder of eHarmony.com , believes compatibility along the following 29 dimensions are important for establishing and sustaining a romantic relationship: Character & Constitution: Good Character Dominance vs. Submissiveness, Curiosity, Industry, Vitality & Security, Intellect, Appearance, Sexual Passion, Artistic Passion, Adaptability Personality: Obstreperousness (Boisterousness), Sense of Humor, Sociability, Energy, Ambition

Emotional Makeup & Skills: Emotional Health, Anger Management, Quality of Self Conception, Mood Management, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Kindness, Autonomy vs. Closeness Family & Values: Feelings about children, Family background, Education, Spirituality, Traditionalism, Values Orientation

Quotations
We only fully trust a relation if it has survived occasional conflict ~ Frans De Waal At the heart of the difficulty in saying No is the tension between exercising your power and tending to your relationship ~ William Ury.

References:
Games People Play, by M.D. Eric Berne How to Use Power Phrases to Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say, & Get What You Want by Meryl Runion The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes , by William Ury Our Inner Ape , by Frans De Waal
Fear, Sadnes s , A nger, J oy, Surpris e, D is gus t, C ontempt, A nger, E nvy, J ealous y, Fright, A nxiety, G uilt, Shame, Relief, H ope, Sadnes s , D epres s ion, H appines s , P ride, L ove, G ratitude, C ompas s ion, A es thetic E xperienc e, J oy, D is tres s , H appy- for, Sorry- for, Res entment, G loating, P ride, Shame, A dmiration, Reproac h, L ove, H ate, H ope, Fear, Satis fac tion, Relief, Fears - c onfirmed, D is appointment, G ratific ation, G ratitude, A nger, Remors e, power, dominanc e, s tature, relations hips

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