Being an Influential Parent: Video Interview with Jolette Jai

It's t's Dr. Nic Lucas from the Influence Faculty and as you know, what we're aiming to do is help you maximize your influence so that you can really have a powerful positive impact on people so that you can really create a lasting legacy and also bring yourself both personal and financial rewards to do by doing the things that you love and doing them effectively. And one of the things that I'm helping you do that is interview other people who have been really influential in the particular things that the they y do so that we can get an insight into how they go about their life and their business and how they go about being influential so we can get some insights into that and see how it applies. So with me on this webinar, I've got Jolette Jai who is a parentin parenting coach. Nic Lucas: Hi Jolette! How are you doing? Jolette Jai: Hi Nic!

NL: Where exactly are you located precisely in the US? JJ: I'm in Los Angeles, California NL: Beautiful. I've been there a few times, in Sta. Monica so that's the area I'm most familiar familia with. Is that
where you are?

JJ: Yeah, we're right in Sta. Monica. NL: Right, very good very good. So we're getting straight into it. I've got a series of questions here that are
designed to probe deep into your mind and get you to reflect on what it is is. . Because people who are influential often just do what they do and they found a way to be effective on other people. I'm gonna ask some questions that you can reflect on why it is that you think you are influential so we can learn about that and --on our r own lives, our own business, and what we do. So if you could tell us a background story about your role as a parenting coach, and what you do and how you got into it?

JJ: I'd love to. How I got into it..Basically I had a son and he was 2 years old. I wa was s searching for answers but
there's no parenting manual. I really wanted to know when he was going to tantrums and really hard times what to do. So I went through my own search, my own education and I found a non non-violent violent parenting class. When I stepped foot on this class Nic - it was magical. I thought, "Oh my God, this is how you connect with your child!". It wasn't just to get him to stop crying but to have the crying be OK, and really have him to express his emotions. I learned this in a completely new w way. ay. And so I signed up there to be a parenting educator and I knew in my heart that this is what I wanted to do and this is what I really wanted to give to other parents.

NL: When you say non-violent violent parenting, that speaks for itself. But I guess to spell it out, you literally there's
no smacking, there's no hitting, there's nothing like that and it really is just a relationship building approach.

JJ: Yeah, and the word can be misconstrued because I certa certainly y wasn't hitting my child at that time and you
don't n't have to be a violent person to go and become non non-violent. So non-violent violent parenting is basically peaceful parenting and what that means is we see violence as anything that harms the body, mind, or spirit of a child or
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another living being. It's a very broad road definition. This is a word, a tone, it doesn't just include smacking, hitting.. It's also bribery, rant, punishment, consequences - there's so many things that fall under that.

NL: You're so right. It's very easy as a parent - even though you love your ur children so much, to let fly a
sentence or a word that is condescending or patronizing it leaves a mark on them for a long time, so I understand that. So, how long have you been doing it then? What's your history with it?

JJ: We've been doing this for four our years and I've been certifying along with my partner, parenting coaches, for
the past year. We've been certifying people to actually bring this work out into the world and have their own practices doing it.

NL: So what keeps you passionate doing this? JJ: So much. What keeps me passionate really is my son and looking in his eyes and the relationship that we
have now. Then I get these amazing emails, notes, and letters back from our coaches and also from the parents. Just receiving these emails and seein seeing g the results that this work were having in families everyday keeps me going. It's not like I say, "Uh, I got to do this, let me read an email". It's like an ongoing love and just seeing all that's happening in families and the connections that we had the other day. You know, we have coaches who have just saved two marriages through this work. And there's not a point ever where I'd say "Oh, I want to give this up I can't do this". It's just ongoing and I feel that the love keeps on growing.

NL: It sounds like ike from what you said now and what I have been able to read online is that you really have
found something that is bigger than you and is pulling you forward to your purpose.

JJ: Yeah, that's what it feels like. NL: So tell us, what on an average day wo would be like for you? JJ: An average day is basically - well my partner is on the East Coast, so she's in New Hampshire and I wake up
first thing and we'll talk. That's the first thing we'd do because she's been up and working already. And there's really no average day. There's so many different people we're talking to from all over the world who wanted to be parenting coaches now, so we might have on the calendar after I got my son to school - we might be talking with Nirubi, or we might be talking with som somebody ebody on Eastern Europe and basically talking with people who wanted to be parenting coaches. Having these incredible conversations that are all about what they see, what their vision is for their lives, in their children, or I'm talking with the parents w who ho wants to change shift to parenting that they're doing, they're having some problem, and or I'm speaking live or online. That's basically my day, and it's very varied.

NL: That's exciting in itself. You said that you started this curse 4 years ago. For a lot of people, you've really struck the jackpot. Because not only do you do something that you absolutely love doing, but you've actually
been successful in it in a relatively short period of time because you're talking about having what is really a global l operation, you're speaking to people all over. How did that happen? What have you done that has led to this success so quickly?

JJ: I think it's my commitment to the work. And you're saying it pulls you forward - I really felt that pulling
forward all the e time. In the first two years I would stay up, I mean the hours that I put into it were really like from that pull. You know, people needed this work and I really felt called that I need to bring it out more and
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more. So I would put my son to sleep and th then en I would work until 2 in the morning. So he would go to bed at 8pm and I would be up working. I am just so passionate about getting it out there and I think those first two years really planted the seeds that we're seeing the growth now.

NL: So you're certifying people now for a year. So the first three years you're essentially being the parent
coach yourself to other parents and then you started to spread it more further and be more influential by training other people to do the same thing.

JJ: Yes exactly. ctly. And it wasn't just me deciding that, it was my partner as well. She's really skilled at training
people have a successful business and she's a business coach. So we got together and she said, well this is amazing work it's just and I really felt too that there's so many people to serve. I can't do this alone, we need to put more people out there. And so she agreed and she said, "Well, but if we're going to put this work out there we better make sure that they have successful thriving businesses. We do don't n't want people to come in and just get trained and have a certificate posted on their wall or something that they just say, 'yeah I did that'." We want this work to be out there and so her job is that she makes sure that the coaches have really great businesses nesses that are sustainable and wherever they want to bring this to.

NL: Okay, so again exploring that, essentially what it means to people who do your certification is that they have not only become different coaches themselves but they've developed a bus business iness out of it which is really
fantastic. So how many have been through the training and have a business now? And are they doing it fullfull time or is it something they do in addition to their other work.

JJ: Yeah, we have 30 people who have been through it so far. Our latest group, it's very global - it's a group of
16 people. Their businesses are amazing. Some are doing it part part-time, time, some are doing it full-time. full We have some that are actually in school teaching 200 girls about self self-esteem and their feelings, s, and using our program and integrating it with nutrition in the school. Everything from that to somebody having their coaching businesses on the phone and they're doing it from their home part part-time. time. We have another woman who has her own office. She goes and sees clients every day. So there's a variety of things that they're doing now.

NL: Let's talk about the two different kinds of people who get referred to you. Because you've got parents
who got referred to you personally as a coach and then you got ot other her people being referred to you to be certified. So if we're going to focus on parents for the moment, when they get referred to you, what are the typical things they say to you? Like what stories are being told about you by other people? You know, they say "I've been told to go to you for such and such said what"

JJ: Yeah, well I think there's two things that are happening. The first story that we hear from parents is that I
think we're getting referred by doctors and all sorts of people because we have the results and we're getting the results for parents to connect with their kids, and actually affect the behavior of the children. Not that we go after the behavior, but they're really saying, "Wow, I am so connected with my child now and my child would come ome to me with anything. They really trust me and they feel safe with me" And that's what the parents are saying about our work. Our coaches find their purpose. They find their meaning in life. And they're saying, "Wow, I was searching for something that I would be able to affect other people's lives". And we have got love notes all the time from these coaches saying, "Wow, not only am I able to find my purpose but I am able to do it. You know I'm able to bring in an income". There a lot of these families with the husband trying to get the most income and he was the bread winner, and now the women really are stepping up and saying, "This is
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amazing". So people are really coming to us because they want to make a difference and because they want to have a sustainable tainable income for their families.

NL: And this part of the reason why I wanted to interview you because you stood out and found solutions for
your own family, in your own child - and you've just become this really influential person and it's actually something that's increasing beyond childre children, n, towards actually helping adults find their meaning in their purpose in their lives. It's absolutely wonderful. So if we just focus on you as a person, what really is it that drives you right at your core? We've talked about the parenting thing pulling y your our forward, but what is it about you that drives you?

JJ: Making a difference. I want to leave the world a better place. I know that sounds corny, but I really do. And
I remember, just four years ago I asked that question. You know, I was about to be forty ty but "What is it? What am I gonna do? Really, really like just not do every day, but what do I want to leave here?". Not only for myself, but I know you must also feel this way Nic, because you're a parent. So right now, we're modeling for our kids. And they're learning. "Wow, what's dad doing? What's he living for the world right now?", and I really felt that strongly and I felt that I had the responsibility to step up on that because I have a son now and that if there is a purpose, a meaning to this lif life that's Jolette - I better find it, and you better start doing it and that's what motivated me every day to do that.

NL: And so, just really quickly then, before that time what were you doing in your prior career, or life that led
you this point?

JJ: This s is something completely unrelated. I was in the healing arts before and I became a film maker. So I was
actually directing and producing short films - so completely unrelated.

NL: You see, that's what perfect about it, you're such a great example of the flexibility and the incredible
freedom and opportunity that we have to be able to change direction and follow what it is that's true to our heart, and by doing that becoming really quite influential in what we do and the impact that we can have on people is quite dramatic. You're a great example of that I love the completely changing track. I've done some more things so maybe I just like the validation so it's good. So, if we get into the nitty nitty-gritty gritty of this approach to parenting, what is it about this approach proach that is different from other approaches that still work or still effective to trying to help children and parenting? What is it about this approach that is so unique?

JJ: Such a good question. I think a lot of approaches are very behavioral. I think that they're focusing on the
behavior of the child and what can we do to change that behavior. There's a problem here. There's a problem with this behavior. And why are our approaches so effective is because first of all, we turn the camera 180 degrees on the parent. We look at the parent and we say, "Okay, what are you doing as a parent?" We barely look at the child, and when we do look at the child we take the child into account and that's the first thing that's really different is we focus almost comple completely tely on the parent. And as we're focusing on the parent, we're recognizing that they're certain patterns were leftovers from the past in the way you were parented. So, if we look at that and we notice that parents are being triggered all the time from thei their r children. You know, the child does something that they don't like, and they're angry, they're nervous, or they're anxious and they're not looking at themselves, saying 'Wow, there's a ton of feelings." They're just jumping right into and come and hit the child, and they control them, and argue with them, or whatever it may be. But our process is so effective because we have the parents look at these difficult feelings and we offer them empathy and say, "Wow, that's gonna be really tough", "Where did you g get et that from?"And then we look at what the limiting
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beliefs are underneath that they acquired from their past. And we have a lot of meditations that we do with parents to help them really deeply bring those limiting beliefs to light and also to be able to shift those limiting beliefs now so that they have supportive beliefs now that support their parenting and who they are.

NL: Yeah, so it's interesting because the word influence which is why I have been spending so much of my
time working on doing is often ten described as or affect the change in something else. And one of the things that I have talked about is that to maximize your influence, you first have to influence yourself and very often the best influence is people that have the greatest amount of in influence fluence on themselves. And so that does sound like what you're trying to do yourself is instead of trying to focus on the child, it's all about focusing on yourself first and getting control of yourself. It is funny isn't it? because when you do see a parent, pare or you accidentally lose your temper with your child about them losing their temper, it's just so hypocritical, right? And you wonder then where did they learn that from. We know that children have emotions that rush out of them but still they look to ask for their behavior sometimes. What would be the typical problems that people really come to you? They don't come along to you and say, "I need to know about non non-violent violent parenting". They come along to you with the problem that they're experiencing paren parenting. ting. Tension is one for yourself and that would be common for a lot of people. What other types of things do people come to you as their major problem?

JJ: Such a great question. They come with so many different problems. They're frustrated with their child, ch they
can't connect with their child, their child isn't listening, their child is not cooperating with them, they're finding their child being disobedient or rebellious. They just don't know what to do and they're very frustrated. They have no way reaching hing their child. They also come if honest enough to admit this - they say they're hitting their child and I hate myself. I don't want to do this anymore. My head hits the pillow every night and I don't feel good about this. I know that it's working on som some e level, because the child is listening now but yet there's a deeper thing that's happening that they're feeling awful about it and they know that it doesn't feel good. We also get a lot of people saying that the husband or wife, or the co co-parents are parenting nting differently and it's causing a lot of confusion in their relationship and it's also causing confusion within the family and how they influence their children - so we also get that too.

NL: I think the thing to bring up there is it's got nothing to do with how much the parent loves their child.
Because there's a lot of parents who love their children incredibly, but still find it that for whatever reason, they're finding some or all the children dren difficult to deal with. And so, you know it's just a question of optimizing our behavior and our way of thinking so that we can optimize and have the best possible relationship with our child, and love is what drives them to come and make the change i in the first place.

JJ: Yes, absolutely. NL: And so, tell me, what kinds of age groups is most common? Is it mostly toddlers or is it right through the
teenage years that need help?

JJ: We help everybody. There's really no age group. We even have grandpar grandparents ents coming to us, saying we
want to have a better relationship with our children. Because now that we're grandparents we really want to be able to have that closeness not only with our grandchildren but with our children.

NL: That's really wonderful, because ause I did made an assumption that it was aimed more at parents with
younger children, but of course we've got children our whole lives and what I was looking for my kids - I mean,
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I don't want to keep them small. I can't wait until they're adults and have an adult relationship with them. You know, as much as I enjoy them right now it's just a natural process I think to enjoy every moment of it , and I think it's so important if you want that adult relationship with your kids it has to start now - it just has to. Well, a while back when I was still in practice as a healthcare professional myself, it was a Saturday morning and there's this gentleman coming in for treatment with two teenage girls with him. They're both holding hands and I said in murmur while he entered the treatment (it was about 40 minutes) and I thought it was odd because it wasn't something that typically happen. You know, a parent and especially teenage girls sat and just happily wait with him in the waiting room. And so I brought it up w with ith him. And he just said, "Look, they just love coming everywhere with us. We go out for dinner, they'd rather come with us than with their friends a lot of the time". And he said, "I'm at a choice when I was in my late 20's not to keep buying fancy cars or the next fancy house. We decided to stay in a 3-bedroom bedroom townhouse so I didn't have to work so hard so I can invest my life in my daughters. So that's how I got the relationship that I have with them now whereas, a lot of their friends doesn't spend a lot t of time with their parents at all." That was something that I aspired to already. I didn't have kids at that time but that one moment really stuck in my mind as a great example. So he had an influence on me. You know, so many people had been talking abo about ut the teenage years as such dread. Can you give me an example of a parent with a teenage child issue and what kind of solution they might have from your approach with them?

JJ: I want to say that I really love that example you just gave. It's so beautiful 'coz I really think that "the
greatest gift you can give your child is your presence". And hearing over and over again just about how children really thrive on that presence - it's all they want. They don't want the fancy stuff. I mean, they say they do, but really if you just spend some quality time with your child - that's just gold. I can see this too, because we're coaching adults. Every adult is deeply affected by the relationship that they have with their mom or dad. All these patterns are carried on to generations. So, if they felt abandoned or neglected in any way, then definitely they're carrying that in them and not feeling loved and they're reacting from that. It's such an amazing relationship that we have and an opportunity to create that relati relationship onship with their own children.

NL: Just give an example of one that gives us an insight into how does this works for teenagers. Because
again, the typical thing you hear is you know in Australia this weekend's newspaper there's news about teenage binge drinking rinking has doubled over the last 10 years in terms of teenagers being brought to the hospital for binge drinking. There's increased shooting in Australia, which something really foreign to us because we are an anti-gun gun country and it's interesting for us to experience that and a lot of the time it's teenagers involved. So what's the kind of example that you've got about how this works?

JJ: Well I can give you one example. We have a client that I've been working for over a year with her teenage
son. And at some point, hes got a lot of anger just like what other teenagers do and he was even taking knives out of the kitchen. You know, hes cutting himself with the knife. So, in working with her we really want to have the child feel safe in a safe environment environment. . It really matters how the parents feel about their feelings and how they can express their feelings to deal with their own feelings, and then offering that kind of empathy to the child. And it sounds very simple, but theres a lot in that. Theres actual actually ly a lot to have the parent see that kind of behavior and be able to calm the child down enough that they feel safe and theyll share their feelings. They think that theres so much defensive feelings especially with teenagers, that were not providing the t space all the time. Were really trying to control the behavior and try to get them do certain things and not do certain things. And so were missing a whole step with empathy. This is going to sound very broad, but we
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open the doors to having an empathetic etic conversation and having chosen to feel okay, feeling the way that theyre feeling, giving them the space and let them know that whatever theyre feeling is okay.

NL: In any type of situation that youre trying to influence someone whether its a parent pa trying to influence
the child, manager trying to influence his staff member, a salesperson trying to influence his potential customer. As soon as the person realizes that were trying to influence them then all the critical thinking comes up and the emotion motion comes up to push that and insist against that. And one of the things that we say is that tactic is not working anymore. And so parents or anyone whos trying to influence someone else, and theyre aware of what youre trying to do what youre doing g is becoming completely ineffective. And so, I can really see that if you are just trying to manipulate someone and you are doing it on a daily basis, they get to know all your ways and they just so if the parent actually stops to try and manipulate the child and the child witnesses that, and sees the parent trying to work on themselves instead, its almost like poor marketing. Instead of pushing away the whole thing around, the child stops feeling that someones trying to process them. Is that a reasonable ble description at the surface level?

JJ: Yeah, the child starts to see the parent as human, and the parent has feelings. And, you know, from that
humanity, it feels safer to express their feelings and be connected with each other. Once they feel that safety, safe then its ok. Its like, Look, Ive felt like that before. I felt miserable. I felt like, pissed and being bullied. Theyve felt those feelings before and I totally get where youre coming from and what its like for you. So yeah, they really get bonded with that.

NL: So, what do you think is wrong and ineffective with the other specific parenting approaches? JJ: I think the most ineffective is that theyre looking for behavior as Ive mentioned before. And this is the
most painful question, this is the most painful thing I see for parents is that they are saying in their minds it should be a certain way, it should be this way, and it should not be this way, and then theyre causing a lot of pain for themselves and theyre acting from that pain. T Thats hats the number one thing that I see, My child should not be doing that thing right now. My child should be doing something else., or My child should be doing this right now and theyre not doing it. So theyre looking at the behavior and theyre putting putt some kind of a qualifier. Things like, It should be a certain way and its not. And I dont understand why its not. Lets do something about this behavior, right now. So then we get into this whole cycle of Okay, were going to change this behavior. . What can we do to affect the behavior? when really, theres a more deeper thing that is going on and we need to look into that deeper thing, And I think what people are not doing when they are just looking for the behavior is that theyre not looking at the deeper issue. Theyre not looking, and maybe they dont want to look. They want to avoid it. They dont want to really see whats there. And I think its a very enlightening thing for us as a parent to actually look at what does the child need? Why is this happening? You know, we say that every behavior is just the childs attempt to get a need met. So what is the need? Why is the child doing those things? What is he really needing? So, to turn it around and look at it like this then we have empathy. Wow, now I get it. Now we can really open up and communicate with that child. Instead of just, You better do something about that behavior of yours! Change it!

NL: And so do you find that parents actually have to learn new skills when they come and see s you that in
order for them to actually do what you recommend. Did they have to actually learn new skills?

JJ: I think more than learning new skills, they have to learn a new way of being with their child. And I dont
know if its per se we do have skill l training and we do train certain skills that before that its just the complete
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shift of mindset so that youre not controlling over your child anymore youre just having a relationship with your child. And its very different for parents.

NL: Yeah ok. So when a parent and Ive got trouble with a child and Im going to Google because Im looking
for a solution or I go for instance to Amazon because I figure Im gonna buy a book and read about the solution and also the book stand that theyre gonna come a across cross related to trying to change the childs behavior is that again a common thing thats in the books that they going to read?

JJ: Yeah depending on what youre talking about but yes it is a very..Yes NL: Yeah and its still so behavior focus which makes sense because you want to try and mold the behavior
of someone else but the whole key thing is inserting a deep look at yourself and what you are doing to contribute at the situation at first

JJ: Yes NL: So, what are the kinds of objections or things tha that t people come up with, if they come across what youre
doing what would be a typical reason for why they dont and go ahead and do the training or take on board what youre suggesting, what do you see as a bit of a pattern there?

JJ: We hear one very funny question or one statement normally if somebody is opposed to the training or
opposed to this way of parenting they will say, You know I was hit as a child and Im fine. Whats the problem here I came out fine like why would I need to shift this? and we say well and then we really talk about the brain we talk about a lot of our training is based on brain research and brain science and whats happening in the brain and where we seeing where we could see now in older children adults and where their brain pattern pa is and what happened from the way they were parented so we talk about the brain and you know we share some of that with them and if they want to continue on with that kind of parenting then ok but thats you know thats what they say if they are opposed.

NL: And so that would be one of the most common ones, is around the hitting? JJ: Yes one of the most common ones is around the hitting. Its funny Nic, and I dont say in a boastful way.
People dont come to us opposing the parenting theyre coming to us really like everyone that comes really is on their last someone like their last like ike they really need to know what to do theyre really strained, theyre stressed out and they really want to know what to do as a parent. And theyve done some of this other approaches.

NL: So I guess with this one, they come to you looking for help definitely but then when they come to you they
discovered that your gonna talk about them and not their kid and thats the point where they have to go and actually am I prepared to admit my role in this and do you get objections in that particular point or resistance

JJ: Never NL: Because again no one wants to be wrong JJ: No one likes to be wrong but this is why I dont think we get objection because everyone has a hurt child
within them and everyone eryone has their story of what happened in their childhood. And it doesnt mean that something terrible happened. But it does mean that you have some feelings still left over from the way you were parented and everyone wants to talk about it. And when you provide when we provide the safe environment we say, Its ok its just what happened. Then they feel very safe and they feel nurtured and for now they want to talk about themselves and they want to really explore ok whats happening with me and thats
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really ally we explain to them naturally the first step. And so we dont really get any opposition during that time and we never hear about it.

NL: And so how do people find that more about what you do and from a parenting point of view. So theyre
parent with a child and theyre like to learn a little bit of relationship with you first of all and if theyre also interested in finding about the coaching that you offer how do they find about those things?

JJ: Yes they could go to our website which is transformatio transformationalparenting.org nalparenting.org and they could find both of these
programs there, there are audios they can listen to, to find out more about our coach training program and they could fill out an application if they do want to apply and they could also find out about our parenting program there as well.

NL: And so how does it work? Is it like do you have to be local, is it a face to face thing or is it coaching that
you provide, this is the parents by the way, and not people who want to be coaches, the parents is it something some you can do over the internet or by phone is that the way it works?

JJ: Yes what weve done is we develop a program thats a 40 day program and this program is all online so once you purchase it, you download it. And you get a download everyday for forty rty days. And the reason why I
created that program is I was really curious Nic if we could affect transformation in families without me being there. Because so I thought ok how can we deliver this program to people in Australia actually we have a lot of o people in Australia, New Zealand and all over wanting it so we develop this program so when people purchase it they get those 40 day download of the program and they go to 8 parenting classes and 40 days of meditations.

NL: I relate to that so much because use as a health professional youre very often working with one person at a
time in a constrained environment and as much as you can be very transformative to people I became so aware of the greater need and how much leverage the internet gives us to be ab able le to help far more people one at a time and so for those of us who actually do wanna break out and help more than one person at a time the internet provides a really obvious way to be able to do that and to go ahead. I mean, you know some people listing to it - its not something you can just click a thing and you got a forty day program you develop that means that Jolette has spent a lot of time and effort and thought to put into creating something that actually goes in 40 days and to begin grab results f from rom it. Its a really fantastic thing and it takes a certain type of person to have the guts really to go ahead and put that investment to create that program. So again you only do things at this because youre so pulled forward and passionate about what y you ou wanna achieve in peoples lives and living this whole place a better place. So I think thats fantastic youve done that. And so with the coaching program as well - again is that a similar thing or is that an online program that people can do?

JJ: Yes the he coaching program is a little bit different because its a 9 9-month month program and they are getting a lot of their material online but were with them. So were with them every 2 weeks we do a lot of role playing, a lot
of modeling of the coaching and then so o were really walking them to the process because we wanna make sure that theyre able to not only get the process but be able to coach it for others. So thats a very big part of our community we call them our family. And theyre in our family as coaches and were really dive deep with our coaches. So we have a lot of fun together.

NL: And you need to as well I really like the fact that youre business partner is there to help them actually to
have a successful business because its easy to train people l like ike you say its another thing entirely to help them have successful coaching practices. What some examples of coaches that you have trained, you have become certified, do they now doing this as a fulltime thing, how have they gone about establishing theyre they business, how do they go about finding parents who need their help and so that they can help them?

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JJ: Yah we actually have one coach Linda shes great and she couple of days ago she contracted with, so we
have our coaches being out in their communitie communities. s. So their talking with yoga studios, their talking with birthing places, their talking with you know different places in the community that would really need their service, would really need parents coaching. And she just contracted with the midwife thing. . Its in Portland Oregon where shes gonna be leading classes every week for 10 months. To lead these parenting classes for new moms, for people. This community is really exciting because I believe that if we can affect the doula and midwifing communities s then we can really help parents before theyre a parent. You know and they can have all of this information so that they dont need to go through this what I wanna do...you know when your child is already two or older. So shes just working with the stud studio io now and shes gonna be out there teaching this process and then she also have private clients of her own.

NL: Fantastic, well done I mean we havent known each other that long but everything that Ive seen about
you just oozes authenticity and such a c care are and desire to help people and especially parents and as I think I said to you on facebook once Im slightly jealous because and I never thought Id say that because I remember you know, I was married for 10 years before we have children and I was very ambitious and I was like I like going out and I did hear other dads who was saying things like I work late at the office now so I dont have to get home for the crying all those sort of stuff and I remember that having impact on me and thinking now Im not ot sure I want kids and of course its just the hell thing, I had a transformation as soon as they get born and you know Im such a better person now myself because of being a parent and thats not to say that people who dont have a children dont become fantastic people, I just know that by having a child Ive been put in circumstances were I have to really dig deep and change my behavior and take the call and look at myself.

JJ: Yeah NL: And I love it so fantastic. I think youre doing an absolutely wo wonderful nderful job Im so pleased to admit you in
here and what you doing and anything I can do to help spread your message and help anyone else at all who would like to become involved with you I will do it so thanks for your time.

JJ: Thank you Nic NL: And cant t wait to hear and see how all it all progresses. JJ: Thank you so much its such a pleasure being with you and such an affinity for Australia so we talk a lot of
Australia now those going on so its wonderful actually talking with you and being here with you so thank you.

NL: There we go. Alright good well done. Thats excellent I think what youre doing is fantastic I mean not just
saying it I really do and so good

JJ: Thank you NL: I was gonna share one of the little story with you. Its just an example, my son was about in grade 3 in
primary school so last year he was 9 and he was sitting in the big school assembly and I was leaving right with my wife waiting for me somewhere around the corner he signaled me he wanted me t to o stay to tell me something and so I said ok and because thats exactly what I do I want to be a kind of parent who can take my kids to school so I decided to stay. And then the assembly kept going longer and longer and you could see he was getting visibly concerned about that fact he now got me to stay and he was worried and Im actually getting concerned because the time is going on but I keep saying no, Im the kind of parent who stays. So when the assembly finally finished he came up to me and I smiled and I said what is it mate and I just made the biggest blunder and I said better be important and I saw his face just gulp as he realized Im not sure if what Im about to say is important and as soon those words come out of my mouth I just felt like smacking smack myself in the burrow because it was such a dumb ass thing to say and he said to me I just wanted to check and see if youre gonna be around later on this afternoon that was all it was. And I said I will be and I walked
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away just feeling bad about myself f because I thought Im the one who chose to stay, he asked me to stay, but it was my choice what do I have to make him feel bad about it. And about 2 days later, we had another moment and I just asked remember two days ago and this is what happened and he goes and he remembered and I asked him to forgive me and I said it was totally my fault and he hadnt done anything wrong and then I was really sorry and we have a hug but the whole point is he remembered that and its only a little tiny thing in your life e but he remembered that from the 2 days before and it had affected him and its one of these things Ive noticed with our parents and myself is how we feel like we have permission to be rude to our children, I wouldnt say that to a staff member or I woul wouldnt dnt say that to someone else I was trying to impress but I feel it was ok and I think you know thats my constant effort really is working on what I do If I wanna have a good level of communication in 10 years time, how am I gonna have that if Ive been r rude ude and never ask for forgiveness or acknowledge that you know so.

JJ: Yah so good and its so good what you did with him because we called that like repairing a rupture. In his
age hell remember that longer but when the kids are younger you do it quicker like if you just have that happen you would say some sorry quicker like right away because the brain doesnt remember that really but at his age you know he does. Thats beautiful that you went back to him because it repairs the rupture it really does so you might remember that but hes gonna remember that forgiveness, hes gonna remember the apology hes gonna remember that Im good with my dad now.

NL: He does and thats its just absolutely so wonderful and then whats distressing given that I this is the way
I wanna do it because were not perfect were gonna make this mistakes. Whats distressing is when you see other kids and the parents who just they love them theres no question about that you see them so theyre not violent with their hands but they y are so quick to be violent with their words.

Main Interview Ended 1:05:30 ########## Other topic:

NL: So literally how would I what can I do besides this, will air it, put in a podcast, some brought a blog and it
will be publicized that sort of thing but t I just wonder how else I can help because I think its such an important thing.

JJ: Thank you so much, I think were really getting the word out from people to apply to be parent coaches.
So I dont know if that something that interesting for your community or not. Thats really you know we just have a big mailing list with somebody else we did yahoo just put it out there and the application is just flying in from all over the place so its really awesome. But thats really our focus so you know I dont d know if that something that. Your community is about your teaching people how to influence, right? Youre teaching people.

NL: Yeah and at the moment thats gonna have a broad of appeal because it has application to so many
areas and initially Im starting ting because my background is in health and medical research that sort of thing. The people who have an affinity with me first of all are going to be other health professionals but you see whats interesting with health professionals is 10 years into it th they ey have bored out of their brains. Theyre being in a room one on one consulting and some health professionals dont really have a lot of room for expanding or increasing their scope. So for example, physiotherapist or chiropractors once they become that theres t like specializing one area of the body but again its still the same thing and a lot of them are looking for other things that they can do. And because they come armed with such a great background, knowledge and experience and consulting people and all that sort of thing you know I think Id be interested to know whether there would be any of them that would be interested in fact now Im talking about of this one person in particular. Through this might be a great interest too and I ran past her sinc since e we get off to school. Shes an osteopath. But shes got an autoimmune disorder which actually prevents her from being out to physically tiresome work but being able to work with parents in this kind of way could actually be something fulfilling.
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JJ: Oh that could be really good, yeah and also what I could offer you is that we have people integrating this
into their businesses. So professionals you dont have to just be a parenting coach but now you have tools to work with parents. If youre out there, if youre having trouble or communicating with parents so you just wanna spread this a little bit more. You know they can have their own businesses we are fine with them having their own businesses or interpreting this like the one that Ive mentioned who wo works rks from the school now with 200 girls. They have their nutrition program for the girls how to be better with their bodies. And their incorporating the emotional piece into it that she launched. So it can really be more into a lot of different it doesnt have h to truly just parent coaching, thats what Im saying.

NL: Ok the seeds have been sown so lets just see how it goes and thats the whole beautiful thing about the
internet you never know whats gonna happen and whos gonna hear and what gonna do.

JJ: I know, I really appreciate it so youre collecting interviews from everybody now is that . NL: Yeah look thats one of the things I wanna do is find other people who are being influencers which you
clearly are and find out what it is because the way that we gonna have greater impact on the world is by learning how to be more influential and so my core program actually analyzes a whole other things because I work with people who are in pain a lot and the solution to a lot of that is self empowerment not coming co along have passive treatments applied all the time. So for instance you know I have someone could have been to chiropractor 240 times and never really felt any better.

JJ: OMG NL: You know that type of thing in it you know they are 5 grand into treatm treatments ents and theyre no better and it
was a simple problem that got fixed by one deprogramming all the stuff that been told by the chiropractor about how unstable and weak they are and getting them back to being more active and moving and doing exercise. And so a lot of what I did earlier was all about behavior change and a lot of health professionals find it very frustrating because what they do is typically they say well you need to exercise more heres a shade of exercises go do them knowing full well that th the e persons not gonna do the exercises. And that they gonna keep on coming to having passive treatment which in a way serves the practitioner because thats how they earn their money by having this person become dependent on having a passive treatment done. And so a lot of practitioners keep their patients more and dependent on them and concerned when I just couldnt abide by them and I have to try and liberate people and help them actually take control of their own lives. And so I just immediately have to try ry and find ways and I know I failed and failed and failed that people change in their behavior which is why then I begin to really dig deep into behavior medicine. And to try and understand how do you actually get people change. Why do people change. And discover that essentially I was trying to use 3 things that the least effective. I was trying to use verbal persuasion, in my own enthusiasm which would last then for 2 to 3 days and then it go. Or I try threats about whats gonna happen to them if they dont do change which again gets them some kind of you know motivation but not enough and that was about it you know. So people use verbal persuasion, threats or if they can they try using incentives but incentives can really backfire as well and they are the 3 of most ineffective ways to influence people. So

JJ: Thats so funny, thats exactly our work, thats exactly what were getting people off of, of parents. Thats
exactly like we want you know the threads and the consequences and I say it will work for about same thing like a day or 2 days its gonna work but the behavior wont change and its not just that they start to feel really bad about themselves, their children do.

NL: In the same with incentives, because sometimes you incentivize the behavior that they dont wanna do
your moving incentive the behavior stops or the incentive actually loses its appeal once then the behavior stops. Or you incentivize something that already doing coz you wanted to do more of it and now they only do it because theyre getting incentive when the incentive stops they stop doing the thing that they would doing naturally.
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JJ: Yes its the external that motivate. NL: So the program I have the thing called Me, We, and Space. And its really saying that there are 3 ways 3
massive sources of influence. Theres ourselves, our own internal motivation, and theres more effective effectiv ways to get them to become motivated rather than trying to affect with their own enthusiasm, coz it helps he them develop of their own. And the other thing two is they got to develop skills to be able to change. So an example would be someone who likes to go out and drink all the time coz he cant say no to his mates. He may actually need a benefit from doing an assertiveness course to actually get some skills on being assertive because he needs those skills to actually stand up against the pressure. So without those skills hes not going to succeed overtime. So theres skills and internal motivation. And the WE part of it is all of the social influence that we could bring to them ourselves. So thats all about having a coach, being part of a team, identifying who in your life is actually opposing your change and either trying to convert into a team member or limit l like instance to avoid them if you wanna change. Because using those reciprocity, using authority, using consensus and social proof like on purpose using all of those things so that there all working in your favor as opposed to not even noticing them because they can be working against you and you dont know. And the other big thing is Space so that things around us you know like from a very simple thing you gonna do more exercises with treadmills next to the computer if its down in the basement. If e every very time you drive, you walk to work, you walk past McDonalds, you more like going to McDonalds, you know then if your walk on different way. You know what I try to do is help people setup a plan for change that actually has all of those 3 major things all al working toward the change. They got far more chances of succeeding then if they all have try, if all have try and go is like will power, yes Im gonna do it then thats why it doesnt work.

JJ: Yes, Im so curious how is it been for you in Kevins progr program am because in terms of cause it seems like we
were all doing if were becoming bigger influencers in his program I mean were really but through this is what I gotten is through really allowing somebody just to step up in their games like not I really feel like l in our conversations and all of our strategy sessions were not telling them and I know you said this a lot were not telling them how great we are were really just listening and asking them questions like where do you wanna be. You know but it really it feels like that which shift for you as well like just in learning his whole strategy. How was it then?

NL: Big time. Youll see again my background is in pain medicine and Im also an osteopath and Im the editor
of the largest international journal for osteopaths in the world. Its published by Elsevier. And so Ive got this profile and Ive really had this internal struggle with my own perception with my own profiles so everything Ive done has either been like completely change and done a lot of traini training ng in internet marketing stuff. But whenever Ive done anything thats more public Ive always made it fit within teaching people about pain or teaching people about statistics to do with pain or research and really Im not interested in that. I mean Ive dug so deep into that for 10 years and Im over it Ive done that. And what I really wanna do is this and its only because Kevins gotten me permission to do it.

JJ: Thats awesome. So great. NL: You know what I mean. I was step up to do it. Ive gone No, I can do this and so for the first time
probably in 10 years I felt like instead of being constrained by my professional affiliations Ive gone screw that, Im Nic Lucas this is who I am, Ive got a range of skills and passion and this what Im passionate passion about. Helping people become much more effective and influencing themselves and others in a positive way because if everybody is actually more influential better of doing that then everyones gonna be far better at getting more they want and what other people want. So again its a similar other thing to what youre doing but refocusing probably not its more focusing on adults and their individual skills for change thats really what it is.

JJ: Its fantastic, I love it, I think its so great. You know when I was in Vegas it reminds me I hurt my back or I
drew my back out so I dont know, Ive never done this before I do a lot of Yoga and I was sleeping. One morning I woke and I couldnt like youll hurt to walk it was really weird. And I remember being in the room and
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I thought I got to go in that room, theres Kevin in there and everybody - like how am I gonna do this. So those really uncomfortable one day and this is actually the next day. The next morning I lay down on the floor and I felt like from what youre saying I became the influencer of my body instead of this pain overtaking me and Im really relax it was a wild experience like Im really relaxed and I kind with talking to the pain but I started doing a little bit of exercise with it. And I felt elt like from that moment forward like those shift in my mind its like Im gonna be bigger than this right now and it changed. Like my experience in the mastermind that day, like oh I could sit for long and it wasnt that much pain. It was just fascinatin fascinating g like Im fascinated by people who could actually change you know in their bodies change medically whats going on like if their having.

NL: For 10 years my whole year here of specialization was pain and just this one example It was a yoga
master some type pe who could put himself into a trance and feel no pain and of course the way he could test it objectively is to put him in a functional MRI and actually measure the parts of their brain that signal pain and if he truly was not feeling pain those areas wou wouldnt ldnt light up if subjected to pain. And so they basically put him in the MRI, he went into a trance they injected him with a type of tonic saline and those areas in his brains didnt light up. So he wasnt feeling the pain he was able to shut it off. And this is someone who practices this for years and years. So then a bunch of researches what they did was they use by feedback which is you know youre familiar with by feedback its just becoming aware of your own bodily function represented on a screen. And d so they used MRI by a feedback and they represented activity in that area with the brain as a flame on a screen and people could sit there and look at the flame and they could learn very quickly how to make the flame grow or how to make the flame dwindle right down to verge anything

JJ: Oh thats so awesome yes NL: And so they could learn this within 20 minutes right? So then once theyd learnt that they then basically
could reduce the pain to quite as not as much as this other guy but like a huge amoun amount t a significant amount of pain reduction and they could learn to do it in 20 minutes just by the feedback session. And the flame dominated no which part of the brain know where shutting down or they knew was that they will making the flame where would you scan

JJ: Right because its simpler they just sought to do that. Now thats fascinating NL: Because you know to try and say right, Im wanna make the gyros on my temporal lobe stop firing I mean
this gonna do. But if they can with the flame and so like I always used to say to people Id say that my back hurts Im taking for a bit of physiology and so you dont smell with your nose and you dont see with your eyes and you dont hear with your ears. Its all in the brain and you dont feel with your body either its just literally just when you experience pain its the brain saying theres threat. And that pain has to be conscious or its just exists in the brain. And so the fact is that essentially what youve done is youve lied and youve lie down you began to exercise and youve taken control and not let fear have the high ground ground. . And as soon as you do that your brain goes ok theres not as much threat because this person is actually not that scared and so then goes the dial of the pain not that doesnt mean this soon not gonna be so one but its fascinating

JJ: Yes, thats amazing ng and Alison had said to I think it was Alison in the mastermind she said when youre
going through like a leap in your finances or youre shifting your finances some the back associated with that or somebody said so I thought ok you know were really gett getting pushed here so my backs s gonna go out

NL: But I mean isnt it he just by simply puts the hurdle there and says jump and ok JJ: Ive never come yah just really like in a very like no bullshit way like this is were gonna do this and you
can do this then n were just doing it you know and Ive never seen our business go I mean its never been like this so you know and I feel like its just the beginning but it is its like being in a whole another world. It really is

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NL: It really is. I mean he Kevin, Ive actually done coaching with quite a few people and then you can
imagine through my academic career I just met some incredible people but he just messes with my mind in a way no one else has because he reverses thats the thing I mean just having constant reversals r of what I was thinking and but as soon as he reverses I see the reverse and I go yeah and I just accept it. Yeah and it just changes everything. It does.

JJ: It does. And I think for people like us and for everybody but when youre sensitive and youre working with
the mind and peoples minds its really just to me its just mind blowing. Like to be in the room with 10 those 3 days I was just Dec and I talking about it, It was so, it was very expensive experience

NL: Well Ill be having mine in March arch which isnt far isnt far way so Im really looking forward to it. JJ: Yah I think well be there on March Kiv and I. NL: Oh good JJ: I think well be there Yah Im hoping well be and Jacqueline I got to hangout with Jacqueline in Los
Angeles a little bit too. So that was really fun and we went to a caf

NL: Its good, ok look well Im gonna head off and spend the rest of the day with the family. What time is it for
you over there?

JJ: Oh Im gonna go and pick my son and its 5:15 NL: There you go. JJ: Yah NL: Ok look so good to talk with you and I will see and well be talking with you again I do hope you can make
it in March because it would be great to catch up in person then.

JJ: Yeah I know it will be its so much I really enjoy this thank you for doing in yah exciting NL: Ok so what Ill do Ill get the recording this and then Ill get it transcribe and then it will be transcribed on the blog. I havent decide whether Ill use an optin to get the whole video yet but anyway Ill give you a copy of it because I want you to be use this in any way that you need to what do you need chop it up a little bit so whatever well give you a copy of this what else you can do JJ: Ok great and when you give us the copy of it however you want to promote yourself like whatever your
website or whatever let us know so we can put it out there

NL: Yes absolutely JJ: Ok good NL: Alright JJ: Ok Bye Take Care NL: See you later
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JJ: Ok bye bye NL: Bye bye

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