Terrorist Training Camps Open MBA

Programs
(from Banana News (www.bananaws.com))

Recently obtained internal documents from the

Department of State's Intelligence Service have
indicated that various “terrorist” camps throughout
Eastern Afghanistan and North Pakistan, and well
as “emerging” camps in Somali and Indonesia has
expanded the training offered to young jihadist
recruits.

In training camps scattered among the rugged

mountains and valleys of Afghan-Pakistan border
terrorists traditionally have recruited enthusiastic
jihadists from around the world and taught them
the art of bomb making, surveillance techniques,
and how to clean and fire weapons such as rocket
launched grenades. Several years ago Jihad camps
began teaching recruits how to carry and handle
the emerging class of “Bio-bombs” which, in a
worst case scenario, could be used to infect a large
Western city with deadly bacteria or viruses. Now
however, according to the State Intelligence
Agency and British Intelligence sources, these very
same Jihad camps have opened up MBA programs.
According to internal documents across various
U.S. government agencies, the discovery that MBA,
or Masters of Business Administration, programs
are now offered by most terrorist training
organizations has led to a deep rift among the
various intelligence agencies.

According CIA one source: “It appears the radical

Jihad movement has lost its punch. Just like our
young people in the 1970’s eventually got tired of
being poor and gradually developed the skills to
move them back into the mainstream, so are the
young Muslim radicals.”

The State Intelligence service however views the

matter differently. “Our sources tell us that two
thirds of the MBA classes at EL-LADI camp in North
West Pakistan have a focus on the class of financial
instruments called “derivatives": how to make
them, how to trade them, how to sell them. We
think these guys are up to something. We don’t
know, but this is a MBA program that is thousands
of feet up in the high mountain deserts, miles away
from any ocean, and yet despite all that, the
program’s focus on financial derivatives smells
fishy.” said a Department of State spokesperson.

The CIA disputed the State intelligence view and

also noted that technology is not yet developed
which would allow intelligence agencies to “smell
indirect” or even “direct” odors from 12 thousand
miles away or from a satellite 140 thousand feet
up.

A CIA spokeperson all but snapped:

“As usual the State Intelligence interpretation

stinks. The Jihadist are going straight. That’s all it
is. And that’s the slam dunk end of talking about
the MBA Jihad report.”

The State Department refused to answer the CIA

taunt. Rather they referred to a recent report from
the highly secretive British Intelligence agency MIA
which intercepted nine young British citizens of
Pakistani descent at London’s Heathrow airport;
young men who appeared to be returning to
England after spending several months in Northern
Pakistan.
Parents of the nine college aged men had reported
their disappearance three months earlier from an
immigrant neighborhood in Bristol England where
the men had grown up and attended school. When
last seen the nine young men had taken to wearing
traditional Pakistani mountain clothing and
turbans, sported growing beards, and carried with
them copies of the Koran in both Arabic and Urdu
(the language of Pakistan). After their
“disappearance” British intelligence had obtained
evidence that the nine men had “vanished” to the
notorious terrorist training camp “Ulali- mate” high
in mountains along Afghan border.

At the airport, the seized men said they were only

“coming home” to England. Worrying to
intelligence officials was that the returning men
had shaved their beards, were suspiciously dressed
in a suits and ties, and each carried a brief case of
financial reports from several of the worlds banks.
British security agents also found in the young
men’s possession notebooks full of complex
financial equations, graphs, and containing
alarming phrases such as “net profits”, “present
value”, and “price earnings” ratios. Most alarming
was a notebook full of examples of “derivative
financial products”.

“We don’t have enough information to make an

arrest but it appears that these young “British”
men have been to the camps. We will be watching
each of these nine young ji-hooli-jads wherever
they, their terror notebooks, and their fish smelling
briefcases, go.”
The CIA stated they remained unconvinced by the
British MIA report. Unconvinced themselves,
reporters tracked down and found the head of the
CIA anti terrorist unit, Ralph Lieterf working out
next to his Mclean Virginia home, dunking balls into
an eight foot high basket stuck to the wall of his
garage. Taking a break from his workout the CIA
chief was quoted as saying:

“Sure we know Jihad training camps now offer MBA

programs. We were onto that 18 months ago. But
this hostile State Intelligence interpretation of
those programs is proving to be a headache. We
got to quit wasting our resources. There are
reports, reports from just today, coming from our
terrorist-chatter-network monitors, that the Jihad
groups believe that have developed a brand new
highly dangerous weapon of destruction, one that
could bring down the West. They believe they have
found something. We don’t yet know what it is. And
until we do we have got to stay focused in finding
what has got these Ji-had chatterboxes to talking
up such a firestorm.”
The CIA Chief then added:

“ It is just like State Intelligence to get bogged

down in trivia and miss the picture.”

The CIA anti-terrorist Chief then offered any

reporter to contest him to a dunking match. When
every reporter refused to take the challenge, the
CIA Chief turned and screamed to the reporters
who were present.

“And keep tell State to keep their mouths shut

about the olfactory satellite system.”

When questioned by reporters the head of State

Department Intelligence answered:

“We have no idea what Mr. Lieterf is talking about”