State Department Envoy

Announces U.S. Trade Sanctions

against North Korea
June 6, 2009
State Department T.V. Interview Creates two
Tense Response
In response to North Korea’s continued nuclear
tests, missile launches, and production of
weapons grade plutonium, the United States has
imposed immediate and complete trade sanctions
against the hermit kingdom. In announcing the
sanctions, on prime time television, the U.S. State
department sent a clear cut message of confusion
which has reverted across more time zones than
originally expected by both U.S. officials and T.V.
broadcasters.
“The more we have tried to work with them, the
ever more defiant and dangerous North Korea’s
behavior has become. We hated to do this but we
had no choice but to impose trade sanctions” said
the State Department’s envoy of East Asia affairs,
Carleton Purvéy, in his opening interview remark
with prime time T.V. reporter Hines Macdonald.
Mr. Macdonald then asked what particular goods
the average North Korean might now have to do
without. Envoy Purvéy answered by carefully
reading from a prepared text:
“Florida oranges, Michigan Chevys, and putt putt
golf”
When Mr. Macdonald pointed out that there was no
evidence that any North Korean had ever
purchased one of the listed items, nor any
American made product, Mr. Purvéy answered with
silken diplomatic ease:
“I know, that you know that, in today’s e-speed
world, sanctions can be imposed in micro
seconds.”
The State Envoy’s answer was captured by several
alert viewers with cell phones , immediately e-
mailed around the world, and labeled, by the
foreign press, as: “ a horse-mouth condensation of
America’s double know trade standard.”
Viewer feedback monitors then led television
executives to initiate a controversial exchange of
views between the State Department envoy and
reporter Hines Macdonald. Picked up, and
translated into seventeen languages, and
rebroadcast over T.V. and radio stations, websites,
and cell phones in every country around the world,
except North Korea and North-East Texas, the
televised exchange has led many viewers to
wonder whether America’s Korea policy has been
moving forward or backward in time.
Reporter Macdonald: “Are you saying the lack of
trade with North Korea in the past has to do with
the sanctions the United States is imposing on
North Korea today?”
Envoy Purvéy: “Yes, we have grandfather sanction
rights.”
Reporter: “So North Korea’s isolation for the past
fifty years is a result of the sanctions the U.S.
government imposed, today, in response to
yesterday’s nuclear missile test, which is a defiant
response to the past isolation of North Korea by the
world?”
Envoy Purvéy: “Are you accusing the trade
sanctions of creating the trade sanctions?”
Reporter Macdonald “I’m accusing-“
Envoy : “That is what I thought. You are supposed
to be reporting.”
Reporter Macdonald” Are you claiming that State
Department has the ability to manipulate the past
with the future?”
Envoy Purvéy: “North Korea isolated its past self
through self manipulation.”
Reporter: “But that was done in the present tense.”
Envoy: “In the past it was.”
Reporter: “You are saying in the past North Korea’s
leaders manipulated that past because they were
present in that past?”
Envoy: “That is how we believe the leaders of North
Korea did it in the past. We know North Korea self
isolates today and, we are predicting, they will
continue to do so in the future. Of course,
predictions of the future, from the past, do not
always correlate well with the present. But our
present plan is to change that in the future.”
Reporter Macdonald: “So you are admitting that
North Korea’s isolation was self imposed and is not
the result of today’s grandfather sanction clause.
That is, the U.S. State Department did not
manipulate or create the past.”
Envoy Purvéy: “Only Communist textbooks create
the past.”
Reporter: “So what good are trade sanctions
against a country which has never traded anything
but insults and bullets with the rest of the world?”
Envoy Purvéy: ”I suggest you ask Castro.”
World reaction to the much publicized T.V. interview
and U.S. trade sanctions against North Korea has
been mixed:
Japanese viewers and reporters, after seeing the
interview on Japanese television, appear convinced
that they and their nation are “lost in translation”
and expressed confidence that, in the end,
American diplomacy will manage to confuse other
Asian Nations, including North Korea, to the point
of inaction.
The Chinese government press heaped scorn on
envoy Purvéy’s comment about Communist
manipulation of school textbooks, denied that the
Chinese government has manipulated the U.S.-
China currency exchange rate, and announced that
the China would suspend efforts to police
smuggling of pirated Britney Spears CD’s into
North Korea.
The Arab Al’ Gazeer network followed up the
televised interview with reports of frenzied rumors,
sweeping the Mideast, that the Israel and the
Pentagon have jointly created a new weapon,
named “the Einstein”, that can warp, bend, and
manipulate time.
Spanish speaking countries and Russia blamed the
lifting of trade barriers as the ruination of their own
glorious past and said in the future America will
come to regret its past choices.
Castro sent congratulations to North Korea and
invited the North Koreans to place missiles at old
Russian bases in Northern Cuba.
The British have asked geographers at Oxford to
“aggressively” back-check the micro-
measurements of Greenwich Mean Time and asked
Oxford’s scientists to investigate whether planetary
rotation can entangle the longitudinal time lines on
the earth’ s surface.
South Korea’s Hyundai corporation canceled plans
for its production of a new “cheap-&-speed” car
named “the “missile” and called off a test runs
along the DMZ.
The State Department expressed confidence in
Envoy Carleton Purvéy and presented him with a
silver watch engraved with the words “we know,
you actually know” as a reward for his “e- speed”
prime time interview performance.
The CIA said North Korea broadcasts, have recently
denounced U.S. propaganda spy Britney Spears
and said anyone caught with her singing-sex disks
would be isolated and forced to consume
“imported U.S. goods”.
The CIA also claims North Korea’s leaders are
compiling a list of questions to be sent to the
Cuban government, and have asked their scientist
to “read up” on Einstein’s theory of trade.
Reporter J. Hines Macdonald is currently in North-
East Texas where neither he, nor anyone else, can
be reached for comment. However his relatives say
that after his highly rated “double know horse-
mouth” interview, Mr. Macdonald left New York and
has managed to successfully travel backward in
time.