ART SCHOOL AND AFTER

M o ther did her best to f in d a n d e n c o u ra g e wh a t s h e b e lie v e d

to b e my life's work. It wa s t o b e f o r the p u rp o s e of e a rn in g

a livin g "just in case". Ma rria g e t o a ma n o f me a n s a n d s o c ia l

stan d in g was'her true amb it io n for me . S h e c o u ld not c o n c e iv e

o f m y not marrying at all a n d t ru t h f u lly , I hated L o t h in k of

tha t p ossibiiity. S he w a s rig h t to b e lie v e o n e s h o u ld Iove

on e 's occupation. B ut she wa s wro n g t o t h in k of it a s s imp ly

a stop - gap to support myse lf ju s t in c a s e t h e ma rria g e d id n ' t

w or k.

So I was shipped off to a rt school in Ric h mo n d , V irg in ia ,

il1 pr e pared to face bein g o n my o wn a n d t o f u n c t io n wit h o u t

m o the r telling me how to liv e my lif e .

Th e r e were ups and dow n s . I h a d n o f o rma l mo ra l b o u n d a rie s

a ltho u g h mother had told me t h e re we re c e rt a in t h in g rs n ic e

g ir ls didn't do. This, h o we v e r, had never stopped R€ , nor

wo u ld the shame I felt for b re a k in g t h e ru le s . My ma in c o n c e rn

w as th at people like me a n d that I be accepted and I o v ed

witho u t any conditions atta c h e d . I d id n ' t know then that g u ilt

wo u ld a ffect my forming ne w re la t io n s h ip s or that f e e lin g lik e

a "n o thing" would attract n o t h in g of re a l substance in t o my

life; that a lack of self- re s p e c t d id not b rin g re s p e c t ; that

I wa s a target for abus e because I d id n ' t know that abuse

e xisted . I accepted what lo v e a n d a t t e n t io n my g o o d lo o k s and

m i1 d , c onforming manner b ro u g h t me . I we lc o me d t h e shoddy

atte n ti on s of a few lovers wh o u s e d me a s s u c h . Un f u lf ilin g

 r e la ti on ships of no substa n c e a p p e a re d t o b e my 1 o t . I s imp ly

wa ited for someone to inv it e me in t o t h e ir I if e .

D ur inq this year at a rt school I re c e iv e d f la t t e rin g

e n co u r agement from my teac h e r in L if e Cla s s .

I was told I had great p ro mis e . S h o rt ly a f t e r, my p o rt f o lio

co n tain ing the work of almo s t one fuI1 y e a r r^ ra ss t o le n . It was

as tho u gh my future had b e e n t a k e n f ro m me . It wa s a s t h o u g h

I h a d sabotaged my whole 1 if e . I took f u l1 re s p o n s ib ilit y f or

the in cident. We had been t o ld to be a wa re of t h is

p o ssib ility. I had left my wo rk o v e rn ig h t in a n u n lo c k e d

I o cke r .

I w as embarrassed and a n g ry a t my s e lf for a llo win g t h is to

occu r . I never told any o n e a b o u t it . I f e lt too g u ilt y and

n e r vo u s at being found out . T HA T I CO UL DHA V E B E E N S O S T UP I D!

On e whole year wasted!

After my sad experience wit h a rt school I f e lt lik e a total

fa ilu r e . Mother had rente d a h o u s e in t o wn b e c a u s e s h e k n ew

da d lo ved the neighborhood he g re w up in , and she found a

si m i l ar type home in a simila r type n e ig h b o rh o o d , t h in k in g he

m i gh t be happier living th e re . S h e a lwa y s h a d in the b a c k of

her m i nd that she could ma k e h im h a p p ie r so h e wo u ld stop

d r in kin g . Of course it d id n ' t do any good.

It was during the time we liv e d in t h is house that a taxi

o r a fr iend would bring him h o me , d e p o s it h im o n t h e d o o r-s t e p

a n d le a ve him there and mo t h e r a n d I wo u ld h a v e t o g e t h im in t o

the h o u se and carry him up s t a irs . He wa s a d e a d we ig h t in t h is

 co n d iti on. His room was rig h t next t o min e . He wo u ld re g a i n

co n scio usness in the mid d le of the n ig h t , and the d e liriu m

tr em e n s would start. one n ig h t he thought the " n ig g e rs " we r e

a fte r him. His doctor h a d a d v is e d h im to stop d rin k in g so

m o the r wouldn't let him h a v e a n y mo re . He wa s t o t a lly out of

h is m ind and so frantic on o n e o c c a s io n that h e d ra n k a b o t t le

of in k. His yelling in the next ro o m wa s n e rv e wra c k in g . I

wo u ld have done anything to le a v e h o me , b u t r h a d n o p la c e to
g o an d felt utterly incap a b le to le a v e o n my o wn .

rt was during this time that t wo o f t h e b o y f rie n d s r h a d at

ar t school came out, separa t e ly , to v is it me . Ha d e it h e r one
of th e m asked me to run a wa y wit h them I t h in k r wo u ld have
gone.

Th is same year mother wa s in the p ro c e s s of h a v in g two

ho u se s built on the River Ro a d a t t h e o t h e r e n d o f t h e p ro p e rry

w he r e we lived when r was s ma l1 . T h e y we re p re f a b ric a t e d , t he

ki nd they put up a wall at a t ime . T h e y we re c e s ig n e d to h er
own specifications. she re n t e d one out a n d we mo v e in t o t he

othe r . I guess she may h a v e t h o u g rh t d a d wo u ld be h a p p ie r

th e r e . It was a beautiful lit . t le h o u s e wit h t h re e b e d ro o ms a n d

two b a ths , al 1 e1 ectric.

By this time my brother h a d e lo p e d a n d ma rrie d a g irl f ro m

Westche ster, New Y ork, who m h e h a d me t a t a p re p s c h o o l on the

Cornel 1 campus. They we re liv in g in a re n t e d house in
Per r ysb urg. Little did I know that I t o o wa s s o o n t o re a p t h e

be n e fi ts of connubial bliss .
 I was feeling very guilt y liv in g a t h o me a t a g e 2 2 wit h o u t

a jo b and no way to contr ib u t e a n y mo n e y t o t h e h o u s e h o ld . I

secu r e d a part time job a s a d e p a rt me n t s t o re c le rk wh ic h I

spa sm o dically worked at. T h e n I wa s c a lle d in t o wo rk in t h e ir

d in in g room as a hostess d u rin g the n o o n h o u rs and that is

w he r e George again walked in t o my lif e . After an absence of

o ve r two years here he wa s a g a in . L it t le d id I k n o w t h at

w i th in the next week my lif e wo u ld b e c h a n g e d f o re v e r.