F.M. CHUA For Keeps We talked about our future over pizza.

She had figured it all outthis weekend, well drive away to a place where we could escape reality and just be us. Forget about them, forget about our lives here, she said. I gave her a nodin our world, it meant Ill think about it. I held her hand, she gave me a smile and sipped some iced tea. I dont want to be separated from you Braden. You are my life. I dont want to become the girl whos trapped in a stupid college dorm in Boston, she said. I kissed her, caressed her cheeks then went back to eating. The thing is, shes starting to scare me. I kept on telling myself that she is differentthat shes not like the other girls. But sometimes, her ideas and behavior are just too much to handle. One night, she climbed up my window and slept in my room when she could just knock on the front door. As always, she claims that her parents never really cared about her. Theyre currently at New York for a three-month business trip and after that, theyll be at London, then Prague, then Tokyo, and the itinerary goes on and on. A call from her father came out of nowhere, telling her that shell be attending college in the US. I asked her if thats the worst thing that could happen. Yes, she answered bluntly. Anyway, it will be simple. Well live in this house that I bought over the internet, well make pancakes every morning, well write songs well bring your guitar, she added. I dont know. Dont you think that these are all happening too fast? Well, every good thing comes fast. Right? she replied. She has a point. In fact, everything about us is fast. We met in a very unfortunate situation when my cousin had an accident. Hes OK now; but the point is, its her fast driving that got my cousin into that situation. In the hospital, she asked if she could get my numberI didnt hesitate even for a moment and I gave her my digits. When I arrived home and checked my phone, I found 14 messages from her. Shes fast at texting, alright. I asked her out and we went to the cinema. Halfway through the movie, we were making out like crazy. Now, Im in a situation I wouldve labelled as absurd a few months ago. So, Braden, what do you think? Ill think about it. Come on, whats there to think about? I mean, my parents wouldnt notice for at least a month, by then, well be long gone. Youre parents arent even alive. Yeah. But the point is, if they were, they would be very disappointed. Besides, my aunt is still alive and she wouldnt want me running away. Come on, be a man. Sarah, Ill think about it. OK? Whatever. I looked her in the eyes for as long as her stare could hold. Please dont look at me like that, she complained. Like what?

F.M. CHUA That. Like the way I want you to. I am yours to keep anyway so I dont really see the problem. Finally, she gave me a smile. Alright then, just take your time. Besides, we, I mean, you still have four days to think about it. Cool, I answered.

Its been two days since we saw each other and my decision is final. I am not running away. We are not going anywhere, at least not at the place where she wants us to be. Somehow, something is really, really wrong about the whole picture. I dont want that lifea life too confined for both of us. I know she has problems with us getting away from each other but I am pretty certain that when we take the path she thinks is right, well be heading for the same wayIll be falling out of love for her and shell be getting tired. Ive been trying to call her but she wont answer her phone. God, she really scares me.

The darkness of the night is starting to come out. I am still trying to reach her. Shes nowhere to be found she wont answer my calls, wont return my e-mails, and wont reply to my texts. I would come to her house tomorrow morning if she still hasnt responded to anything.

As I drive around the curve, I try to recall the house that she had described over and over during summer a three-story crib with a big veranda, distinguished by a very striking faade. I was driving for about half an hour when I finally saw it. I parked my car far enough so I wouldnt be noticed by anyone in the house. Sarah always told me how paranoid the maids are about boys visiting her, and the mere sight of me would drive them crazy. In her words, When the maids go crazy, then my parents will go crazy. And I dont want that. My life is already lonely as it is. Hours have passed and Sarah is still nowhere to be seen. I was about to give up when an old couple came out from the huge gate of the house. They were escorting a guy with a very serious look. They talked for a bit before hailing a cab for the man. I hesitated whether or not I should approach them. But this will be my only chance. Tomorrow is the big daywell, at least for Sarah it is. If I should let her know of what I think, then I should let her know now. The old man looks at my direction as I start approaching him and the old lady. There was a deep frown in both of their faces, as if I was the enemy and the world hates my mere existence. But as I go a little closer, I realize that the deep frown was not out of resentmentbut out of melancholy. I asked them if Sarah lives in the house. Im sorry but, who are you? the old woman asks. Im Braden, Sarahs friend. Braden? Did you say Braden? Thats me, I respond, as my confusion starts to build up.

F.M. CHUA So youre real, the old man reacts with disbelief. Im sorry sir, but I dont understand. Never mind. Im Simon Teasdale. Im Sarahs father, he says. Nice to meet you, sir. So... I guess that youre finally back from your business trip? I ask. Business trip? Yeah, Sarah told me that her parents I mean, you, are in New York for business New York? Ive never been to New York, son. he reacts. My husband and I never left the country since we had Sarah, the old woman adds. I looked at themquestions swarming in my mind as I try to process the things Ive just heard. Theres a long silence, I dont know what to say next. I have no idea how to react. Son, Sarah has a problem. Mr Teasdale asserts, breaking the silence. Lets put it this way, our daughter is fond of lying, Mrs Teasdale adds. I really want to ask them what they mean when they said Sarah is fond of lying; but my mouth betrays my thought as I couldnt utter a single word. Shes diagnosed with mythomania, Mr Teasdale says, as if to reply to my unspoken question. But, I just talked to her three days ago. She seemed fine, I finally speak. Son, I understand that all of these might be unbelievable. But were afraid that her condition has gotten out of hand. Now, shes missing, he stops to hold Mrs Teasdales hand as tears start to build up in her eyes. Two days ago we tried to talk her into finally getting some help, in a mental facility on a nearby city. She immediately agreed, only to find her room empty yesterday morning, he continues. So, Sarah You mean Yes Braden, most likely, everything that she said to you is a lie, Mr Teasdale interrupts. We just talked to an investigator just now, to find Sarah, Mrs Teasdale says, as she regain her composure. Braden, dear, do you have any idea where Sarah might be? she asks. No maam. Ive been trying to call her but she wont answer her phone. I may not know her location now but I do know where shes going to be tomorrow. Its just that, Im not sure if I should say it. I mean, I know that its the right thing to do but Im too weak to lose Sarah to an asylum an hour and a half away from here. As I look at the face of Mrs Teasdale, I couldnt help but to feel a pang in my chest. There she is, a mother completely opposite as to how Sarah described her to bea mother who tries to find her missing child. But if I tell them where Sarahs going to be, then Ill be blowing off my chance of speaking to her as the person that Ive known for the past two months. If I tell them, theyd lock her down and theres the possibility of never seeing her again. Maybe, I should give her a chance. A chance to make me understand why she had acted this waywhy she wants us to run away. Telling them Sarahs plan is the rational thing to do, but Im taking my shot.

F.M. CHUA

Well son, thank you for dropping by. Im really glad that our daughter finally has a real friend, Mr Teasdale utters. It is nice knowing you. Im sorry that I havent been able to help. But I have your landline, Ill call if I get any news from Sarah, I answer. Thank you Braden. You take care now.

Hey Sarah, look, Ive made a decision. Ill see you tomorrow. B

I didnt get much sleep last night. I hardly closed my eyes at all. Its 8 a.m. Ill be seeing Sarah in our meeting place in an hour. She told me to just bring the car and myself shell take care of everything else. She hasnt replied to my text, but knowing her, my Sarah, shell be there. I cant help but be lonely of the news that Ive heard. Every word that she utteredevery I-love-yous was all created from her imaginary world while shes with me. But nevertheless, real or fake, I know that my love for her is genuine. And even if I have to deal with many versions of Sarah, I will accept her with all of her flaws. Now, all I have to do is show up and hear her out.

And there she ismy Sarah. The version that I have known, the most beautiful version of her, I assume. As I pull over, she gives a smilea smile of excitement, a fearless smile, as if everything in the world comes into place. In her face is an expression of contentment, like she has planned all of these, and everything is going perfectly well. Hey, she greets, as I come out of the car. I responded by giving her a tight hug. A meaningful hug which screams I love you and I dont want to let you go. And if this is what you believe is right, then Id like to hear you out. After loading the suitcases in the trunk, I opened the door of the car. She insisted on sitting on the front seat. So, were really doing this, huh? You made the right choice, Braden. Well be very happy well forget all about this town, forget about our lives here, she says, as I start the car. Sarah, let me ask you, what is it about this place you hate so much that you want to run away this badly? Come on, you heard this story over and over again. My parents are never around, they never cared about me. People here are all bitches, they only look at me as the pathetic loser who has lots of money because her parents are too damn rich. Blah, blah, blah. To cut it short, for the nth time, I hate this place. After hearing her story for the umpteenth time, I finally saw Sarahthe psyches within the Sarah that Ive been seeing. Its been a good performance, but there she is, the soul that has been hiding in a fog of

F.M. CHUA complications. As I look at her, I saw a young childin an ensemble that screams Im confused all over her facewith her shaking smile and lonely eyes. I love her and I could put up with the confused child in the front seat of my car. But it is the soul within her that scares me, I want to give it a chance, to live a life the way its meant to be. I pulled over after driving a kilometer and a half. Sarah, I know. OK? Know what? The lies. Theres a long silence. College in the US, youre parents business trip to New York, your love for me I just, I know. I know theyre all lies. I know, OK? I know that you lie. She looks at me for a moment, a look of disappointmenta look of disbelief. Look, Sarah, I met them I met your parents. How is that possible? I just received an e-mail from my moms assistant this morning, telling me that they might extend their stay in New York for another month, she asserts. If I havent seen how truthful her parents faces were then I couldve believed her. But I refuse to be fooled. Her lies are no stronger than the way I care for her. Sarah, cut it out. Please. I know that its hard, but just this once, try to get out of mythomania and tell me the truth. I cant believe this I want to be out of this car, now, she shouts. Sarah, please dont do this. Do what? What I only want is for us, for meto have a happy lifewithout all the crap that this town expects of me. All that you have to do is be the guy beside me and here you are, fucking it all up. I tried to grab her in my arms yet she refuses to give in. Why are you doing this? Tears begin to swell in her eyes as she struggle to keep them from falling. There she isthe girl that I love, breaking down. I really want to hold her hand, but Im afraid that if I do, shell freak out and never talk to me again. I begin to see the big selfish jerk that I am. I shouldve told her parents where she is, I shouldve helped them find their child. But its not too late to fix this. I know that theres still hope for Sarahmaybe her life isnt destined to be spent with mine. The child caged in her lies deserves her chance. I start the car again and turn around.

F.M. CHUA Its been a quiet 10 minutes. As I try to find the house with the big veranda and striking faade, Sarah sits beside me, staring blankly in my cars radio. I tried to talk to her but she just wont answer back. Tears keep falling on her cheeks. I dont know if they were for me or for her. Either way, it pains me to see her crushed. Sarah, I have to do this. She looks at me at last. Her stare is blank, her eyes puffy. She looks really, really hurt. I just cant deal with this. My parents trying to decide everything for mepiano lessons, ballet lessons, advanced math, summer camps this life freaks me out. Thats why I prefer them to not exist, she finally speaks. I didnt know what to say. Braden, when I said that I love you, I wasnt lying. Youre the only one that keeps me from from going completely crazy. I need you, she says as she struggle for air while crying. In a strange way, I believe her. By the time I parked in front of her house, I can feel her left hand shaking. I held it. I looked at her, and kissed her. I can feel her tears on my cheeks. I let them fall, I let her use me as her medium for transference. Its painful but somehow, I know that I have to leave her. We get out of the car. I can imagine her parents worried to death, lying awake in their bed, they need Sarah and I know for sure that Sarah needs them. I figured that I am not needed here anymore. I embraced her for what felt like the most painful minute of my life. I told Sarah that I love her. She didnt say anything back. As I set off, I try to keep my eyes in the rear-view mirror. I dont want her running away I want her to give this life a shot. In the way home, I kept telling myself that shes going to be fine. Shes a smart and brave girl, Sarahany version of her.

We talked about our future over pizza. I figured it all outthis weekend, shell be picked up by a car which will take her to the church, well exchange our vows and shell be with me forever. Well, that took you long enough, she saidhalf amused, half curious. Hey, cut me some slack here. Weve only known each other for a month if you know what I mean. She laughed. But I got to say, youre even more attractive without the. the lies? I was going to say the lousy escape plan but if you want to put it that way . She gave me a smile, looking at me for as long as my stare could hold. I smiled back, giving her the victory on our little starring contest. I kissed her, caressed her cheeks then went back to eating.