Copyright?2001ComedyConcepts,Inc. Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymannerwhatsoeverwithout thewrittenpermissionofthePublisher.PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica.Forinformation address:Hyperion,77W.66thStreet,NewYork,NewYork100236298. ISBN0786864133 FirsteBookedition:July2001 Napalm&SillyPutty GeorgeCarlin FewcomicsmakethetransitionfromstagetopageassmoothlyorsuccessfullyasGeorgeCarlin.Brain Droppingsspentatotalof40weeksontheNewYorkTimesbestsellerlist,andthisnewoneiscertainto tickleevenmoreribs(andrattleafewmorecages)withitscharacteristicallyironictakeonlife's annoyinguniversaltruths. InNapalm&SillyPutty,Carlindoesntsteerclearofthetoughissues,preferringinsteadtolooklife boldlyintheeyetoposethequestionsfewdaretoask: HowcanitbeaspysatelliteiftheyannounceonTVthatitsaspysatellite?

atellite? Whydotheybothersayingrawsewage?Dosomepeoplecookthatstuff? Intheexpressiontopsyturvy,whatexactlyismeantbyturvy? Andhemakessomestartlingobservations,including: Mostpeoplewithlowselfesteemhaveearnedit.

GuysdontseemtobecalledLeftyanymore. Mostpeopledontknowwhattheyredoing,andalotofthemarereallygoodatit. Carlinalsowaxeswickedlyphilosophicalonallsortsofsubjects,including: Onkids:Theyrenotallcute.Infact,ifyoulookatthemclosely,someofthemareratherunpleasant looking.Andalotofthemdontsmelltoogoodeither. Ondeathrow:Ifyourecondemnedtodietheyhavetogiveyouonelastmealofyourownrequest. Whatisthatallabout?Agroupofpeopleplantokillyou,sotheywantyoutoeatsomethingyoulike? AddtothemixTheTenMostEmbarrassingSongsofAllTime,The20thCenturyHostility Scoreboard,andPeopleICanDoWithout,andyouhaveanirresistiblyinsouciantassortmentof musings,questions,assertions,andassumptionsguaranteedtopleasethemillionsoffanswaitingfor thenextCarlincollectionandthemillionsmorewaitingtodiscoverthiscomicgenius. GEORGECARLINStelevisionbreakthroughcameinthe1960swithhisHippyDippyWeatherman character.Sincethenhehasreleased18hitcomedyalbums,wontwoGrammysandtwoCableAce awards,andstarredin10soloHBOcomedyspecials.Inaddition,hehasstarredin10movies,including Dogma,Bill&TedsExcellentAdventure,andThePrinceofTides,aswellasinhisownsitcom.Helives inLosAngelesandLasVegas,butspendsmuchoftheyearperformingtosoldoutaudiencesacrossthe country. Contents Acknowledgments Introduction CARSANDDRIVING:PARTONE EATABOXOFCOOKIESSHORTTAKESAIRLINEANNOUNCEMENTS:PARTONEAIRLINE ANNOUNCEMENTS:PARTTWOABEDROCKSOLIDALIBIRICEKRISPIESTHEMORNINGNEWSFIVE

UNEASYMOMENTSTHEBOVINEFECESTRILOGYSHORTTAKESYOURCHILDRENAREOVERRATEDCARS ANDDRIVING:PARTTWOHEIGHHO,HEIGHHO,ITSOFFTOWORKWEGOSHORTTAKESAIRPORT SECURITYFEAROFGERMSBUTFIRST,THISFUCKINMESSAGESHORTTAKESINTERVIEWWITHJESUSI WISHIHADMYMONEYBACKPunkBandsIHaveKnownACATISNOTADOGDOGMOMENTS#1SHORT TAKESDOGMOMENTS#2SOMELIKEITHOT MAYBETHEYLLADOPTTHEMISCELLANEOUSAILMENTSFOUNDATIONGOTANYMORELEAVESIN THATSTALL?DEATHROWCURRENTEVENTSTHEUNKINDESTCUTSMILE!THENOONTIMENEWSTHE PLANETISFINE,THEPEOPLEAREFUCKEDSHORTTAKESBRAVENEWWORLDOFSCIENCEITSNOTA SPORTGOLFCOURSESFORTHEHOMELESSTHEGOODBREADSHORTTAKESDYINGTOSTAYALIVE TICKETTONOWHEREDEATH:THESHOWFUNERALSJUSTFORFUNSHORTTAKESADVENTURESINTHE SUPERMARKETWELL,ATLEASTTHEPLATEWASBLUEFUSSYEATERRUNNINGHOTANDCOLDICEBOX MANDOGMOMENTS#3SHORTTAKESDOGMOMENTS#4NOTEXACTLYMARTHASTEWARTHAVEA NICEDAYHELLOGOODBYELOVEANDREGARDSEXPRESSIONSIQUESTIONSHORTTAKESHOWSOONIS INTERMISSION?HAVEAGOODTIMESHORTTAKESPEOPLEICANDOWITHOUTCANCERISGOODFOR YOUTHEHUMOROUSSIDEOFRAPETHEEVENINGNEWSDANCECALLEDBECAUSEOFRAINTHINGS THATAREPISSINGMEOFFFAMILIESWORTHLOATHINGWHEREWASISTANDINGLASTTIMEWEDID THIS?LIFESLITTLEMOMENTSSHORTTAKESORGANDONORPROGRAMSONTHEBEACH:THEMOVIE ICOULDNTCOMMITSUICIDEIFMYLIFEDEPENDEDONITEUPHEMISTICBULLSHITBEERANDPOT HIGHONTHEPLANESHORTTAKESSPORTSSHOULDBEFIXED:FIRSTHALFCAPITALPUNISHMENTFARM SYSTEM:THUGS,PERVS,NUTS,ANDDRUNKSILLBERIGHTBACKNOTEVERYEJACULATIONDESERVES ANAMEIVEGOTYOURSANCTITYOFLIFEREADYORNOT,HEREWECOME!NEVERHEARDOFHIM! SHORTTAKESSPORTSSHOULDBEFIXED:SECONDHALFDONTBLAMETHELEADERSROCKETSAND PENISESINTHEPERSIANGULFOLDANDSTINGYSHORTTAKESATLEASTEATAFUCKINLIMABEAN, WILLYA?FACETOFACEWITHTHECLOCKGODHASGOTTAGOBULLETSFORBELIEVERSTHELATE NIGHTNEWSINEVERFUCKEDA10SHORTTAKESSPORTSSHOULDBEFIXED:OVERTIMESEVENDEATH WISHES MONOPOLY ALSOBYGEORGECARLINBrainDroppings TosweetSarahJane,thekeeperofmymagic. Acknowledgments

Tobegin,IwouldliketoacknowledgethoseofyouwhoreadBrainDroppings.ItdidbetterthanI expected,andIwanttosaythanks.Bytheway,ifyouhaventreadityet,fearnot.Youcanreadthis firstandthenrushouttothestoretogetBrainDroppings.Thetwoarenotsequential. Forthosewhodidreadthefirstbook,youllfindthisisthesamesortofdrivel.Good,funny, occasionallysmart,butessentiallydrivel. Thanksalsotomyboyhoodfriendsfrom123rdStreetandAmsterdamAvenuewholistenedtomystreet cornerandhallwaymonologueswhenIwasthirteenandgladdenedmyyoungheartbysaying, Georgie,yourefuckincrazy! Mostofall,thankstomyeditor,JenniferLang,forherpatienceandsupport,andforputtingthese thoughtsofmineinorder. Manynativetraditionsheldclownsandtrickstersasessentialtoanycontactwiththesacred.People couldnotprayuntiltheyhadlaughed,becauselaughteropensandfreesfromrigidpreconception. Humanshadtohavetricksterswithinthemostsacredceremonieslesttheyforgetthesacredcomes throughupset,reversal,surprise.Thetricksterinmostnativetraditionsisessentialtocreation,tobirth. ProfessorByrdGibbens, ProfessorofEnglish, UniversityofArkansasatLittleRock. Fromalettertotheauthor. Thosewhodanceareconsideredinsanebythosewhocanthearthemusic.

Anon. Ifyoucantdanceyoufuckalotofwaitresses. Voltaire Sometimesgumlookslikeapenny. SallyWade Introduction Hi,reader.Ihopeyourefeelingwell,andIhopeyourfamilyisprosperinginthenewglobaleconomy. Atleasttotheextenttheydeserve.ForthenextfewhundredpagesIwillbeyourcontentprovider. Regardingthetitleofthisbook,Napalm&SillyPutty:SometimeagoIwasstruckbythefactthat,among manyotherwondrousthings,Manhashadtheimaginationtoinventtwosuchdistinctlydifferent products.One,aflaming,jelliedgasolineusedtocreatefire,death,anddestruction;theother,aclaylike massgoodforthrowing,bouncing,smashing,orpressingagainstacomicstripsoyoucanlookata backwardspictureofPopeye.IthinkthetitleservesasafairlygoodmetaphorforMansdualnature, whilealsoprovidinganaptdescriptionofthekindsofthoughtsthatoccupyme,bothinthisbookandin mydailylife:ontheonehand,Ikindoflikeitwhenalotofpeopledie,andontheotherIalwayswonder howmanyunusedfrequentfliermilestheyhad. Theonlydifferencebetweenliliesandturdsiswhateverdifferencehumanshaveagreedupon;andI dontalwaysagree. CARSANDDRIVING:PARTONE RidinorDrivin?

 Youwannagoforaride?Okay,letsgoforaride.Well,actually,youllgoforaride,Illgoforadrive. Theonewhodrivesthecargoesforadrive.Theotherpersongoesforaride.Mostfolksarentaware ofthat.Tellemwhentheyregettinintoyourcar.Say,Youassholesaregoinforaride,Im goinforadrive.CauseImtheonewhosmakinthepaymentsonthisshitbox. GettinintheCar Now,forpurposesofdescription,youllhavetopicturemycar:anold,poorlymaintained,dangerous collectionoffaultypartsfromthatwonderfultimebeforesafetybecamesuchabiggoddamndealinthis country.Andmycarislikeanyothersmallcarrealhardtogetinto.Thatsimportant,because,after all,yougottagetintothecarfirst.Otherwise,thewayIlookatit,youaintgoinnowhere. Andletsnotforget,withanykindofcar,justopeningthedriversdoorandgettingininvolvesa certainamountofrisk.Haveyounoticedthat?Theterrificwaytheydesignedcarssothedriversdoor opensrightoutintothemiddleofgoddamntraffic?Jesus!AbouttheonlyintelligentthingtheBritish everdidwasputtingthatdriversseatrightovertherenearthecurbwhereitbelongs.Ofcoursethen theywentandmovedthecurbtothewrongsideofthestreet. ParklikeaMan Anyway,likeIsaid,nosmallcariseasytogetinto,butespeciallyifyouparkthewayIdo:illegally,two feetoutfromthecurb,onabusy,highspeedthoroughfarerightinthemiddleofrushhour.Andthat sortofcarentryisevenriskierifyouvegotatwodoor,andyouretryintostuffacouplashopping bagsfullofgroceriesintothebackseatwhileeveryoneelseiszippinpastyou,closeenoughtosmell yourbreath. Holyshit!Lookout!!Herecomesadrunkenbusdriver!Quick!Abandongroceries!Standupstraight! Squeezeagainstthecarandpullthatdoorasclosetoyourbodyasyoucan,takingcareofcoursenotto cutoffcirculationtoyourfeet.Holyshit,thatwasclose!Goodthingyouwentintoemergencymode. Andbehonest,youdidntreallyneedthemgroceries,didya?Goddamn!Lookathowflatthatbus madeeverything;imagineaflanksteakwithtreadmarks.Andmightthatjustpossiblybepotatojuiceon theground?

HandlewithCare Now,onemorethingaboutcarentry:mycarhasgotoneofthemtrickykindadoorhandlesthatre recessedalittlebitintothedooritself.YouknowtheonesImean?Whereyourfingersactuallygoina littlebit,pastthesurfaceofthecar,tillyougrabaholdofthehandle?Dontyalikethem?Ido.Thats whytheydontmakeemanymore.TheyfoundoutIlikeem.Thatsthewayitiswitheverything. TheyfindoutIlikeit,theystopmakinit. OpenandShutCase Anyway,backtomycar.Ialsogotmeoneofthemdoorsthatwhenyouopenit,itswingsaaaallthe wayopen.YouknowthekindImean?AAAAllthewayopen;perpendiculartothecar.Iaintgotone ofthemfancydoorsthathangsouttherehalfwayandstayswhereyouwantitto.Withmydoor,wegot twothings,openandshut.Pickone. AndifIshouldbetryintodosomethinreallytricky,likegetintothecar?Well,inacaselikethatI gottapropthedooropenwithabroomhandle.Causeotherwise,sureashell,soonasImhalfwayin, thatdoorsgonnaswingbackhardasitcanandsevermylegjustbelowtheknee. Eeeeeyyyyaaaaaaaiiiiiaaaahhhhoooooooo! God!Thatshithurtsforaboutayearandahalf,dontit?Andthemhuge,purpleblotches?Seemslike theynevergoaway. AnUpFrontGuy Now,IwannamentiononeadditionalproblemIhavewhenImgettinintomycar.LikeItoldya,its kindaold,andupkeephasbeenminimal,sotheresanotherthingIgottadealwith.Alongtimeago,my driversseatgotpushedwayupforwardontherunnersaboutasfarasitgoes,andapparentlyitaint nevercominback.

Yousee,whathappenedwas,yearsago,aboutthirtyorfortyofthemlittlepoptopbeercanringsgot wedgedintotheseattracks,andnowtheyreallfusedintoonesolidpieceofmetal,andthatfuckin seataintnevergonnamoveagain.Unless,ofcourse,theresanatomicattack,inwhichcaseit probablyaintgonnabudgemorethananinchortwo. So,becauseofallthisunintentionalseatredesign,whenIgetintofulldrivinmode,Imprettymuch hanginoutrightbehindtheradiator.Infact,ifIwannacheckmyspeedo,Igottalookstraightdown intomycrotch.But,hey!AtleastIminthecar. TightSqueeze Butmaybeyourenot!MaybeIoughtamentiononemorecommoncarreentryproblem:Iknowthat someofyoufaintheartedfolksliketoplayitsafebyparkinrightinthemallparkinglot.And,ofcourse whenyouparkthecar,youdosoinsuchamannerthatleavesyoufullaccesstothedoor.Butwhile youreinthemallcharginallthatworthlessmerchandise,someassholeparksrightnexttoyou, leavesaboutsixinchesbetweencars,andnowyoucantgetyourdooropenmorethanthreeorfour degreesatbest. So,inordertogainaccess,yougottatrytowedgeyourselfthroughatinylittlecrack,whilebalancingsix giftwrappedpackages,allthetimemaintainingtheintegrityofalitcigarettehanginoffyourlip. Besideswhich,yourownparticularlumbarspineisnotthebestoneGodeverputtogether,and everybodyknowsthatevenaproperbackisnotmadeforgettinintoacarundercircumstancessuchas these. And,bytheway,asmostmenknow,tryintosqueezeintoacarinthatmanneralsocreatesapotential forseriousballinjuryfromthesteeringwheel.Manysthefamilyplanningprogramthatsgoneout thewindowduetopoorparking.Solution:Alwaysparkwaydownatthefarendofthelot,wherethe homelesspeoplelive.Yourbackandyourballswillthankyou.Andthewalklldoyagood. Door#4 Anyway,atthispointIthinkwereallinthecar,sonowIlljustreachoverhereand...Illjustreach overhereand...awww,shit!Goddamndoorisstillwideopen.Well,maybeifIleanwaaayout,and

stretchmyarmasfarasitllgo;maybewithoutactuallygettingup,Icanjustreachoutand... uuuuuhhhnnggh!Fuckit!Itappears,folks,thattodayweregonnabedrivingwiththedoorwideopen. Whattheheck,itsalovelyday,andtheysayanopendriversdooractuallyhelpsyoualittlebiton lefthandturns.Actslikearudder,increasingthedragfactorontheportside. IdiotsandManiacs Okay,nowweregonnabetakinourlittledriveinjustaminuteortwo,butfirstaphilosophical question:Haveyouevernoticedthatwhenyouredrivin,anyonegoinslowerthanyouisanidiot? Andanyonegoinfasterthanyouisamaniac? Willyoulookatthisidiot![pointsright]Lookathim!Justcreepinalong![swingsheadleft] Holyshit!!Lookatthatmaniacgo! Why,Itellya,folks,itsawonderweevergetanywhereatallthesedays,whatwithalltheidiotsand maniacsoutthere.Becausenooneeverdrivesatmyspeed. Actually,Idontletpeopledriveatmyspeed.IfIseesomeguyinthenextlanekeepinpacewithme,I slowdown.Iletthatassholegetalittlebitahead,soIcankeepaneyeonhim.IliketoknowwhoIm drivinnear.Infact,quiteoftenataredlightIllaskforpersonalreferences.Youcanneverbetoo careful. GettingStarted Okay.Now,afewbasicpointsaboutdriving.OneofthefirstthingstheyteachyouinDriversEdis wheretoputyourhandsonthesteeringwheel.Theytellyouputemattenoclockandtwooclock. Nevermindthat.Iputmineat9:45and2:17.GivesmeanextrahalfhourtogetwhereImgoin. SomeThingsBreakEasy

Now,mostdriversknowthatsomethingsthathappeninthecarcancausegreatembarrassment.Ive neverdoneanyofthesethingsmyself,ofcourse,butImsureyoullrecognizeafewofthem.Heres agoodexample:youeverbeendrivingsomeoneelsescar,andforsomereasontheyreinthecar, too?YouknowwhatImean?Letssaytheygotpushedoffthebalconyofacrackhouseandbrokeboth theirankles,andtheycantdrive,soyouretakinthemouttobuysomecrack?Youredrivintheir car?Butyoureusedtodrivingyourcar.Andtheirgearshifthandleismountedontheoppositeside fromwhereyoursis,andsuddenlyyougotoshiftgearsand[CRACK!]breaktheirfuckinturnsignaloff! Justbreakitcleanoffthesteeringcolumn! Holyshit,camerightoff,didntit?Goddamn!Youllhavetogetanewoneofthem!Here,throwthis oldoneoutthewindow!Itaintnogoodtoyanow.Shit,thatbrokeeasy,didntit? Somethingsbreakeasy.Justbreakrightoff.Likeradiodials.Theoldkind,theknobkind.Damn,those thingswerefragile.Youdbedrivinalongjusttryintotuneinsomethinontheradio.Tryinto findsomekindamusicyoucouldactuallytolerate.Andyoudjustkeepturninandturninand turninthatdial,untilfinallyyougotwayoverontotherighthandsideofthedashboardandranclean outtaradiostations,andthen...CRACK!!! Holyshit,camerightoff,didntit?Goddamn!Gottathrowthatmotheraway!Gimmeafreshone outtathatlittlebag,wouldya?Igotaboutfiftyofthosemotherfuckers.Damn,theybreakeasy! Soyoustickanewknobontotheradioandkeepturninandturninandturnin,untilfinallyyouwind uppasttheglovecompartmentlistenintosomeradiostationlocatedoverneartherighthandmirror. Damn.Somethingsbreakeasy. ItsYourCar,HaveaLittleFun! Imagreatbelieverinusingeverypieceofequipmentonthecar.Everyfeature,everyoption,evenif youdontneedit.Fuckit,youpaidforthecar,useeverything! Usethesunvisor.Evenonacloudyday.Flipitup,flipitdown;flipitovertothesideliketheFrench peopledo.Lowerthepassengersvisor,evenifnooneissittingthere.Opentheashtray,pushinthe

lighter;whocaresifyoudontsmoke?Turnalltheknobs,pressallthebuttons.Havealotoffun. Changethemirrorsallaround.Pressthetrunkrelease.Popthehoodopen.Putyourseatinaridiculous position.Lowerallthewindows.Stickoutyourhand.Telltheotherdriverstoslowdown.Youhave power.Usehandsignals.Tellthemtoslowdown.Andthentellthemtostop. Stop!Stop! Thenletoneguygo.Onlyone. Okay,youcango.Go!Go!Go!No,notyou!Justhim!Okay,nowyou!Go!Go! Youhavepower.Useit.Fuckit.Youremakinthecarpayments,havealittlefun. EATABOXOFCOOKIES Didyouevereatawholeboxofcookiesrightinarow?Didyoueverdothat?Idontmeantakethem intoyourbedroomorsomething.Imeanopenthemrightupinthekitchenassoonasyougethome fromthestoreandeatemwhileyourestandingthere?Juststareatthetoasterwhileyoureeatin awholegoddamnboxofcookies?Didyoueverdothat?Isntitgreat? Anddidyouevernoticethatprintedrightonthecookieboxitsays,Openhere?Well,whatdidthey thinkIwasgonnado?MovetoHongKongtoopenuptheirfuckincookies?OfcourseImgonnaopen emhere.Imgonnaeatemhere,Idalmosthavetoopenemhere.ThankGoditdoesntsay, Opensomewhereelse.Idbeupallnighttryintofigureoutanappropriatelocation. SHORTTAKES Ah,tobeabird.Toflytheskies,singmysong,andbestofalloccasionallypecksomeoneseyesout. Whenhegotloaded,thehumancannonballknewtherewerenotmanymenofhiscaliber.

 Idontlikepornomovies.Theypissmeoff.Firsttheyshowagreatlookingnakedwomanwhostarts playingwithherself.AndwhileImwatching,shesortofbecomesmygirlfriend.Andthen,suddenly,in walksaguywithabigdick,andhestartsfuckingmygirlfriend.Itpissesmeoff. Mostpeoplewithlowselfesteemhaveearnedit. Haventwegonefarenoughwithcoloredribbonsfordifferentcauses?Everycausehasitsowncolor. RedforAIDS,blueforchildabuse,pinkforbreastcancer,greenfortherainforest.Ivegotabrown one.Youknowwhatitmeans?Eatshit,motherfucker! Ienjoyyoungpeoplebecausetheyrereallyfuckedupanddontknowwhattheyredoing.Ilikethat. Isupportallfuckeduppeopleregardlessofage. InthatbookTuesdayswithMorrie,MorrieSchwartzhadLouGehrigsdisease.Butwhatisntgenerally knownisthatbecauseofamixupatthehospital,LouGehrighadHodgkinsdisease,Hodgkinhad Parkinsonsdisease,andParkinsonhadAlzheimersdisease.Unfortunately,Alzheimercouldnt rememberwhosediseasehehad.HethinksitmighthavebeenWallyPipp. Wheneveryouseemorethantwomensittinginaparkedcarafterdarkyoucanbesuredrugsare involved. Youknowwhatwehaventhadinquiteawhile?Areallybigfireinacrowdednightclub.Whatsgoing on? WhenIdieIdontwanttobeburied,butIdontwanttobecrematedeither.Iwanttobeblownup. Putmeonapileofexplosivesandblowmeup.Orthrowmybodyfromahelicopter.Thatwouldbefun. Onestipulation:whereverIland,youhavetoleavemethere.Evenifitsthemayorslawn.Justletme liethere.Butkeepthedogsaway. Isntitnicethatonceyourparentsaredeadtheycantcomebackandstartfuckingwithyouagain? Thetroublewithasitcomisthateveryweekitsthesameirritatinggroupofassholes.

Peoplewhosaytheydontcarewhatpeoplethinkareusuallydesperatetohavepeoplethinkthey dont carewhatpeoplethink. Ineverseeanyblacktwins.Whatsthedealhere? Youknowwhatwouldbegreat?Tobeinacoma.Yourestillalive,butyouhavenoresponsibilities. Heowesmesixthousanddollars. Hesinacoma. Oh,okay.Nevermind. IfIhadmychoiceofhowtodieIwouldliketobesittingonthecrosstownbusandsuddenlyburstinto flames. Haveyounoticedfluorescentlightsseemafraidtocomeon?Whenyouturnonafluorescentlightit flickersandhesitatesandissortofunsureofitself.Thenafterseveralsecondsitseemstogain confidence andlightupatfullstrength.Whatsthatallabout?Cainttheselampsreceivesomesortof counseling? Youknowwhatwouldbefun?Tofuckagriefstrickenwoman. THECHRISTIANSARECOMINGTOGETYOU,ANDTHEYARENOTPLEASANT PEOPLE. Irecentlyboughtabookoffreeverse.Fortwelvedollars. OneofmyfavoritethingstodoatapartyissmokeabunchofPCPandstarttakingpeoplesrectal temperatureswithoutpermission.

Ifthepoliceneverfindit,isitstillaclue? Youknowanoddfeeling?Sittingonthetoileteatingachocolatecandybar. Haveyoueverstartedapath?Nooneseemswillingtodothis.Wedontmindusingexistingpaths,but werarelystartnewones.Doittoday.Startapath.Evenifitdoesntleadanywhere. Youcantarguewithagoodblowjob. TrueFact:ThereisnowaninteractivefoodcalledSNOTSuperNauseatingObnoxiousTreat.It squirtsoutofaplasticdispenserthatlookslikeamansnose.GodblessAmerica. Ivethoughtitover,andIvedecidedpusisokay. Everysixtyseconds,thirtyacresofrainforestaredestroyedinordertoraisebeefforfastfood restaurantsthatsellittopeople,givingthemstrokesandheartattacks,whichraisemedicalcostsand insurancerates,providinginsurancecompanieswithmoremoneytoinvestinlargecorporationsthat branchoutfurtherintotheThirdWorldsotheycandestroymorerainforests. WhenIwasakid,ifaguygotkilledinawesternmovieIalwayswonderedwhogothishorse. Ihavenosympathyforsingledads.Mostoftheseguysgotmarriedbecausetheywantedsteady pussy.Well,steadypussyleadstosteadybabies,andsteadybabiestendtocutdownthepussy.So,once thenoveltywearsoff,themarriagedisappears.Singledads.Bigfuckindeal. AIRLINEANNOUNCEMENTS:PARTONE Heressomethingweallhaveincommon:flyingonbigairplanesandlisteningtotheannouncements. AndtryingtopretendthelanguagetheyreusingisEnglish.Doesntalwayssoundlikeittome.

 Preflight Itstartsatthegate:Wedliketobegintheboardingprocess.Extraword.Process.Not necessary.Boardingissufficient.Wedliketobegintheboarding.Simple.Tellsthestory.People addextrawordswhentheywantthingstosoundmoreimportantthantheyreallyare.Boarding processsoundsimportant.Itisnt.Itsjustagroupofpeoplegettingonanairplane. Tobegintheirboardingprocess,theairlineannouncestheywillpreboardcertainpassengers.AndI wonder,Howcanthatbe?Howcanpeopleboardbeforetheyboard?ThisIgottasee.Butbefore anythinginterestingcanhappenImtoldtogetontheplane.Sir,youcangetontheplanenow.And Ithinkforamoment.Ontheplane?No,myfriends,notme.Imnotgettingontheplane;Im gettingintheplane!LetEvelKnievelgetontheplane,Illbesittinginsideinoneofthoselittlechairs.It seemslesswindyinthere. Thentheymentionthatitsanonstopflight.Well,ImustsayIdontcareforthatsortofthing.Callme oldfashioned,butIinsistthatmyflightstop.Preferablyatanairport.Somehowthosesuddencornfield stopsinterferewiththeflowofmyday.Andjustaboutatthispoint,theytellmetheflighthasbeen delayedbecauseofachangeofequipment.AnddeepdownImthinking,brokenplane! Speakingofpotentialmishaps,heresaphrasethatapparentlytheairlinessimplymadeup:nearmiss. Theysaythatiftwoplanesalmostcollideitsanearmiss.Bullshit,myfriend.Itsanearhit!Acollision isanearmiss. [WHAM!CRUNCH!] Look,theynearlymissed! Yes,butnotquite.

Backtotheflight:Aspartofallthecontinuingfolderol,Imaskedtoputmyseatbackforward.Well, unfortunatelyfortheothersinthecabin,Idontbendthatway.IfIcouldputmyseatbackforwardId beinpornomovies. Theresalsoamentionofcarryonluggage.ThefirsttimeIheardthistermIthoughttheysaid carrion,andthattheywerebringingadeaddeeronboard.AndIwondered,Whatthehellwould theywantwiththat?DonttheyhavethoselittleTVdinnersanymore?AndthenIthought,Carryon? Carryon!Ofcourse!Peoplearegoingtobecarryingon!Itsaparty!Well,Idontmuchcarefor that.Personally,Ipreferaseriousattitudeontheplane. Especiallyontheflightdeck,whichisthelatesteuphemismforcockpit.Icantimaginewhytheyd wanttoavoidacolorfulwordlikecockpit,canyou?Especiallywithallthoselovelystewardesses goinginandoutofitallthetime. Bytheway,theresawordthatschanged:stewardess.Firstitwashostess,thenstewardess,nowits flightattendant.YouknowwhatIcallher?Theladyontheplane.Thesedays,sometimesitsa manontheplane.Thatsgood.Equality.Imallinfavorofthat. Theflightattendantsarealsosometimesreferredtoasuniformedcrewmembers.Oh,good.Uniformed. AsopposedtothisguynexttomeintheGratefulDeadTshirtandtheFUCKYOUhat,whoscurrently workingonhisninthlittlebottleofKahla. SafetyFirst.Mine! Assoonastheyclosethedoortotheaircrafttheybeginthesafetylecture.Ilovethesafetylecture.Its myfavoritepartoftheflight.Ilistenverycarefully.Especiallytothepartwheretheyteachushowto usetheseatbelt.Imaginethat:aplanefullofgrownhumansmanyofthempartiallyeducatedand someoneisactuallytakingthetimetodescribetheintricateworkingsofabeltbuckle.Placethesmall metalflapintothebuckle.Well,atthatpointIraisemyhandandaskforclarification. Overhere,please,overhere.Yes.Thankyouverymuch.DidIhearyoucorrectly?Didyousayplace thesmallmetalflapintothebuckle,ordidyousayplacethebuckleoverandaroundthesmallmetal flap?Imasimpleman,Idonotpossessanengineeringdegree,noramImechanicallyinclined.Sorry

tohavetakenupsomuchofyourtime.Pleasecontinuewithyourwonderfulsafetylecture.Seatbelt. Hightechshit! Thelecturecontinues.Thenextthingtheyadvisemetodoislocatemynearestemergencyexit.Well,I dosoimmediately.Ilocatemynearestemergencyexit,andIplanmyescaperoute.Youhavetoplan yourescaperoute.Itsnotalwaysastraightline,isit?No.Sometimestheresareallybig,fatfuck sittingrightinfrontofyou. Well,IknowIllneverbeabletoclimboverhim,soIlookaroundforwomenandchildren,midgetsand dwarfs,cripples,elderlywidows,paralyzedveterans,andpeoplewithbrokenlegs.Anyonewholooks liketheydontmovetoowell.Theemotionallydisturbedcomeinveryhandyatatimelikethis.Its trueImayhavetogooutofmywaytofindsomeofthesepeople,butIllgetoutoftheplaneawhole lotquicker,believeyoume. Mystrategyisclear:Illgoaroundthefatfuck,steponthewidowshead,pushthosechildrenaside, knockdowntheparalyzedmidget,andescapefromtheplane.Inorder,ofcourse,toassisttheother passengerswhoarestilltrappedinsidetheburningwreckage.Afterall,Icanbeofnohelptoanyoneif Imlyingintheaisle,unconscious,withsomebigcocksuckerstandingonmyneck.Imustgetoutofthe plane,makemywaytoanearbyfarmhouse,haveaDrPepper,andcallthepolice. Thesafetylecturecontinues:Intheunlikelyevent...Thisisaverysuspectphrase,especiallycoming asitdoesfromanindustrythatiswillingtolieaboutarrivalanddeparturetimes.Intheunlikelyevent ofasuddenchangeincabinpressure...rooffliesoff!!...anoxygenmaskwilldropdowninfrontof you.Placethemaskoveryourfaceandbreathenormally.Well,noproblemthere.Ialwaysbreathe normallywhenIminanuncontrolled,600mileanhourverticaldive.Ialsoshitnormally.Directlyinto mypants. Thentheytellmetoadjustmyoxygenmaskbeforehelpingmychildwithhis.Well,thatsonethingI didntneedtobetold.Infact,Improbablygoingtobetoobusyscreamingtohelpmychildatall.This willbeagoodtimeforhimtolearnselfreliance.IfhecansurfthefuckingInternet,hecangoddamn, jollywelllearntoadjustanoxygenmask.Itsafairlysimplething:justalittleelasticbandintheback. Notnearlyascomplicatedas,say,aseatbelt. Thesafetylecturecontinues:Intheunlikelyeventofawaterlanding...Awaterlanding!AmI mistaken,ordoesthissoundsomewhatsimilartocrashingintotheocean?...yourseatcushion

canbeusedasaflotationdevice.Well,imaginethat.Myseatcushion!JustwhatIneed:tofloat aroundtheNorthAtlanticforseveraldays,clingingtoapillowfullofbeerfarts. Theannouncementssuddenlycease.Wereabouttotakeoff.Timeformetodriftofftosleep,sothe captaincanlaterawakenmerepeatedlywiththemanyvaluablesightseeingannouncementshewillbe makingalongtheway.ImalwaysamazedatthebroadknowledgethesemenhaveoftheUnited States.Andsomeofthemapparentlyhavereallygoodeyesight: Foryoufolksseatedontheleftsideoftheplane,thatsoldBenHubbardsplacedownthere.And whaddeyaknow,theresBencominoutontohisporchrightnow.Whatshedoin?ByGod,hes pickinhisnose.Wow!Lookatthatone!Thatisoneprizebooger.Andlook,hesthrowinitintoa bush.AintthatjustlikeoldBen?Overontheright... Zzzzzzzz. AIRLINEANNOUNCEMENTS:PARTTWO SuddenlyImawake.Theflightisalmostover,andsomehow,alongtheway,thecaptainhasbecome politicized.Hislatestoffering: Ladiesandgentlemen,wehavejustbegunourgradualdescentintotheLosAngelesarea,similarin manywaystothegradualdescentofthisoncegreatnationfromaproudparagonofGodfearingvirtue toathirdratepowerawashinviolence,sexualexcess,andpersonalgreed... Idriftoffagainandawakenjustastheendofflightannouncementsarebeingmade:Thecaptainhas turnedontheFastenSeatBeltsign.Herewegoagain.Whogivesashitwhoturnedonthesign?What doesthathavetodowithanything?Itson,isntit?Andbytheway,isntitabouttimewefoundout whomadethismanacaptain?DidIsleepthroughsomesortofarmedforcesswearinginceremony? Captain,myass,themanisafuckingpilot,andheshouldbehappywiththat.Ifthosesightseeing announcementsareanymarkofhisintelligence,themansluckytobeworkingatall.

Havingenduredenoughnonsensefromthissocalledcaptain,Ifinallyraisemyvoice:Tellthecaptain, AirMarshalCarlinsaysheshouldgofuckhimself! ThenextsentenceIhearisfilledwithlanguagethatpissesmeoff:Beforeleavingtheaircraft,please checkaroundyourimmediateseatingareaforanypersonalbelongingsyoumighthavebroughton board.Well,letsstartwithimmediateseatingarea.Seat!Itsagoddamnseat!Forany personalbelongings...Well,whatotherkindsofbelongingsdotheythinkIhave?Public?Dothey honestlythinkIbroughtalongafountainIstolefromthepark?...youmighthavebroughton board.Well,ImighthavebroughtmyShoshonearrowheadcollection.Ididnt.SoImnotgoingto lookforit. Thentheysaywellbelandingshortly.Doesntthatsoundlikeweregoingtomisstherunway? Finalapproachisnottoopromisingeither.Finalisnotagoodwordtobeusingonanairplane. Sometimesthepilotwillspeakupandsay,Wellbeonthegroundinfifteenminutes.Well,that seemsalittlevague.Onthegroundcouldmeananynumberofthings.Mostofthemnotverygood. Bythistimeweretaxiingin,andtheflightattendantissaying,WelcometoLosAngelesInternational Airport...Well,howcansomeonewhoisjustarrivingherselfpossiblywelcomemetoaplaceshe hasntgottentoyet?Doesntthisviolatesomelawofphysics?Wevebeenonthegroundbarelyfour seconds,andshescominonlikethemayorswife....wherethelocaltime...Well,ofcourse itsthelocaltime.WhatdidtheythinkIwasexpecting?ThetimeinNorway? EnjoyyourstayinLosAngelesorwhereveryourfinaldestinationmightbe.Someoneshouldreally telltheseairlinepeoplethatalldestinationsarefinal.Thatswhatdestinationmeans.Destiny.Its final.Thinkofitthisway:ifyouhaventgottenwhereyouregoing,youprobablyarentthereyet. Thecaptainhasasked...Moreshitfromtheboguscaptain.Youknow,forsomeonewhos supposedtobeflyinganairplane,hestakingamightybiginterestinwhatImdoingbackhere.... thatyouremainseateduntilhehasbroughttheaircrafttoacompletestop.Acompletestop.Nota partialstop.No.Becauseduringapartialstop,Ipartiallygetup,partiallygetmybags,andpartiallyleave theplane. PleasecontinuetoobservetheNoSmokingsignuntilwellinsidetheterminal.Folks,Ivetriedthis. LetmetellyouitisphysicallyimpossibletoobservetheNoSmokingsign,evenfromjustoutsidethe

airplane,muchlessfromwellinsidetheterminal.Infact,youcantevenseetheairplanesfromwell insidetheterminal. Whichbringsustoterminal.Anotherunfortunatewordtobeusinginassociationwithairtravel.And theyuseitallovertheairport,dontthey?Somehow,IcantgethungryataplacecalledtheTerminal Restaurant.Thenagain,ifyouveevereatenthere,youknowthenameisquiteappropriate. ABEDROCKSOLIDALIBI Mostvitaminpillsdonthavenamesortrademarksonthem;theyrejustplainlookingunmarkedpills. Andifyouretravelingwithalotofvitamins,andinordertosavespaceyouveputthemallinonebig jar,youhavenowayofprovingwhattheyare.If,forinstance,thepoliceshouldsearchyoursuitcase,all theyregoingtoknowisthatyouhaveabigjarofunmarkedpills.Andshouldtheybeinthemoodto breakyourballs,theycanholdyoufortwentyfourhourswhiletheysendtheselittlethingsdownto thelabandseewhatwevegothere.Andyouwindupinjailovernightfornoreasonatall. ThatswhyIalwaystravelwithFlintstonevitamins.NotonlydoFlintstonevitaminscontainallthevital nutrientskidsneedeachday,theyalsokeepgrownupsoutofjail. Honest,Officer,theyreFlintstonevitamins.Look,theresWilmaandBarney. ByGod,Ben,hesright.Lookatthis.ItsDino!ItsalittlepurpleDino! Suddenly,youreafreeman.Andahealthyone,too! RICEKRISPIES Ihadaninterestingmorning;IgotintoanargumentwithmyRiceKrispies.Idistinctlyheard,Snap, crackle,fuckyou!Imnotsurewhichoneofthemsaidit;Iwasreachingfortheartificialsweetenerat thetimeandnotlookingdirectlyintothebowl.ButIhearditandIsaid,Well,youcanalljustsitright thereinthemilkasfarasImconcerneduntilIfindoutwhichoneofyousaidit.Masspunishment. Theideaistoturnthemagainstoneanother.

 Sillyme.Bigpunishment!ThatswhatRiceKrispiesdo.Sitinthemilk.Thatstheirjob.Youveseen them.Delicate,beigeblistersofair,floatingproudlyinthemilk.Andyoucantsinkthem.Theyrefuse tosink.ThenavyoughttouseRiceKrispiesinlifepreservers.Thatswheretheyrereallyneeded. AnddoyouknowhowRiceKrispiesmanagetofloatforsuchalongtime?Byclingingtooneanother; theybuddyup.Theygatherinlittlegroupsofeight,ten,orsometimestwelve,butifyouvenoticed, itsalwaysanevennumber.ThatsbecausetheelectromagneticpolarityoftheKrispiesattractsthem tooneanother.Itbindsthemintopairs,likesubatomicparticles.Theyformlittlecolonies,andyou cantsinkthem,notevenwithaspoon.Theyjustcomebobbingupoverthesidesofthespoon, laughingatyouandrevelingintheirbuoyancy.Hardtosink. Thatswhatthefruitisfor.Notforaddedtaste;notfornutrition;itsforsinkingtheRiceKrispies. Believeme,agoodsizedpeach,hurledatthebowlfullforcefromastepladder,cantakedowneightyor ninetyofthelittlebuggersinoneglorioussplash. AndIhaveabsolutelynomercy.IfImreallypissed,Illclimbuptotheupstairsbalconyanddropa watermelononthem.Thatllteachthemtosassmeatbreakfast. THEMORNINGNEWS Haveyoueverbeenatareallyloudpartywherethemusicisdeafening,andinordertobeheardyou havetoscreamatthetopofyourlungs?Evenifyouretalkingtothepersonrightnexttoyou?Butthen often,themusicstopssuddenlyandeveryonequietsdownatthesametime.Andonlyyourvoicecanbe heard,ringingacrosstheroom: CHARLIE,IMGONNAGETMYTESTICLESLAMINATED!! AndeveryoneturnstolookatCharliesinterestingfriend. Moment#3 Haveyoueverbeentalkingtoabunchofguys,andyoulaughthroughyournoseandblowasnoton yourshirt?Andthenyouhavetojustkeeptalkingandhopetheyllthinkitspartofthedesign?It works

allrightifyourewearingaHawaiianshirt.Butotherwise,theyregonnanotice.Hey,Ed,checkit out!Davesgotabigsnotonhisshirt!Howie,look!Phil,cmere!Davejustblewabigsnotallover himself. Guysaresuchfun. Moment#4 Didyouevermeetaguy,andasyoureshakinghishandyourealizehedoesnthaveacompletehand? Itfeelslikesomethingismissing?Andyourestandingthereholdingahandfulofdeformed,knoblike flesh?Itsunnerving,isntit?Butyoucantreact;youcantevenlookdownathishand.Youhaveto makebelieveitfeelsgreat. Youcantgo,Eeeaauuu!Howcreepy!Wheresyourotherfingers? Youcantsaythat.Itsnotevenanoption.Youhavetohangin,smilebig,andsay,Hey,swellhand! Gimmethree!Okay!Ahighthree!Yo!Okay! Moment#5 Haveyoueverbeentalkingtoyourselfwhensomeonesuddenlycomesintheroom?Andyouhaveto makebelieveyouweresinging?AndyouhopetoGodtheotherpersonreallybelievestheresasong calledFuckHer?TheAmericanBu$ine$$mansTenStepstoProductDevelopment 1.CanIcutcornersinthedesign?2.Canitbeshoddilybuilt?3.CanIusecheapmaterials?4.Willitcreate hazardsformyworkers? 5.Willitharmtheenvironment? 6.CanIevadethesafetylaws? 7.Willchildrendiefromit? 8.CanIoverpriceit? 9.Canitbefalselyadvertised?

 10.Willitforcesmallercompetitorsoutofbusiness? Excellent.Letsgetbusy. THEBOVINEFECESTRILOGY EPluribusBullshit EverytimeyoureexposedtoadvertisinginAmericayoureremindedthatthiscountrysmost profitablebusinessisstillthemanufacture,packaging,distribution,andmarketingofbullshit.High quality,gradeA,primecut,pureAmericanbullshit. Andthesadpartisthatmostpeopleseemtobelievebullshitonlycomesfromcertainpredictable sources:advertising,politics,salesmen,andlawyers.Nottrue.Bullshitiseverywhere.Bullshitis rampant.Parentsarefullofshit,teachersarefullofshit,clergymenarefullofshit,andlawenforcement isfullofshit.Thisentirecountryiscompletelyfullofshitandalwayshasbeen.FromtheDeclarationof IndependencetotheConstitutiontotheStarSpangledBanner,itsnothingmorethanonebig, steamingpileofredwhiteandblue,allAmericanbullshit. Thinkofhowitallstarted:Americawasfoundedbyslaveownerswhoinformedus,Allmenare createdequal.Allmen,exceptIndians,niggers,andwomen.Remember,thefounderswereasmall groupofunelected,white,male,landholdingslaveownerswhoalso,bytheway,suggestedtheirclass betheonlyoneallowedtovote.Tomymind,thatiswhatsknownasbeingstunninglyand embarrassinglyfullofshit.Andeverybodyboughtit.AllAmericansboughtit. AndthosesameAmericanscontinuetoshowtheirignorancewithallthisnonsenseaboutwantingtheir politicianstobehonest.Whatarethesecretinsthinking?Dotheyrealizewhattheyrewishingfor?If honestyweresuddenlyintroducedintoAmericanlife,everythingwouldcollapse.Itwoulddestroythis country,becauseoursystemisbasedonanintricateanddelicatelybalancedsystemoflies.

AndIthinkthatsomehow,deepdown,Americansunderstandthis.Thatswhytheyelectedand reelectedBillClinton.Becausegivenachoice,Americansprefertheirbullshitrightoutfront,where theycangetagood,strongwhiffofit.Clintonmayhavebeenfullofshit,butatleastheletyouknowit. Andpeoplelikethat. In96,Doletriedtohidehisbullshit,andhelost.Hekeptsaying,Imaplainandhonestman. Peopledontbelievethat.WhatdidClintonsay?Hesaid,Hifolks!Imcompletelyfullofshit,and howdoyoulikethat?Andthepeoplesaid,Youknowwhat?Atleastheshonest.Atleasthes honestaboutbeingcompletelyfullofshit. WillTheyBuythisBullshit? Itsthesameinthebusinessworld.Everyoneknowsbynowallbusinessmenarecompletelyfullofshit; theworstkindoflowlife,criminalcocksuckersyoucanexpecttomeet.Andtheproofis,theydont eventrusteachother! Whenabusinessmansitsdowntonegotiatewithanotherbusinessman,thefirstthinghedoesisassume theotherguyisacompletelyingprickwhostryingtofuckhimoutofhismoney.Sohedoeseverything hecantofucktheotherguyalittlebitfasterandalittlebitharder.Andhedoesitwithabigsmileonhis face.Thatbig,bullshitbusinessmanssmile. Andifyoureacustomer,thatswhentheygiveyouthereallybigsmile!Thecustomeralwaysgetsthat reallybigsmileasthebusinessmancarefullypositionshimselfdirectlybehindthecustomer,unzipshis pants,andproceedstoservicetheaccount. Imservicingthisaccount... [pelvicthrust!] Thiscustomer... [thrust]

 needs [thrust!] service! [thrust,thrust,thrust!] Nowyouknowwhattheymeanwhentheysay,Wespecializeincustomerservice.Whoeverfirst said,Letthebuyerbewarewasprobablybleedingfromtheasshole.Butthatsbusiness.Thats business,andbusinessisokay. BullshitfromtheSky Butfolks,Ihavetotellyou,inthebullshitdepartmentabusinessmancantholdacandletoa clergyman.Becausewhenitcomestobullshit.Bigtime,majorleaguebullshit.Youhavetostandin aweinawe!ofthealltimechampionoffalsepromisesandexaggeratedclaims:religion.Nocontest. ReligioneasilyhastheGreatestBullshitStoryEverTold!Thinkaboutit:religionhasactuallyconvinced peoplemanyofthemadultsthattheresaninvisiblemanwholivesintheskyandwatches everythingyoudo,everyminuteofeveryday.Andwhohasaspeciallistoftenthingshedoesnotwant youtodo. Andifyoudoanyofthesetenthings,hehasaspecialplace,fulloffireandsmokeandburningand tortureandanguish,wherehewillsendyoutoremainandsufferandburnandchokeandscreamand cry,foreverandever,tilltheendoftime.Buthelovesyou! Helovesyou,andheneedsmoney!Healwaysneedsmoney.Hesallpowerful,allperfect,allknowing, andallwise,butsomehow...hejustcanthandlemoney.Religiontakesinbillionsofdollars,paysno taxes,andsomehowalwaysneedsalittlemore.Now,youtalkaboutagoodbullshitstory.Holyshit!

 SHORTTAKES Doyouevergetthatstrangefeelingofvujade?Notdja`vu;vujade.Itsthedistinctsensethat, somehow,somethingthatjusthappenedhasneverhappenedbefore.Nothingseemsfamiliar.Andthen suddenlythefeelingisgone.Vujade. Spirituality:thelastrefugeofafailedhuman.Justanotherwayofdistractingyourselffromwhoyou reallyare. Ihaveaproblemwithmarriedpeoplewhocarrytheirbabiesinbackpacksorfrontpacksorslings,or whateverthosedevicesarecalled.Thosebabycarryingdevicesthatseemdesignedtoleavethe parentshandsfreetosortthroughmerchandise.Hey,Mr.andMrs.NaturalFibers,isittoomuch troubletoaskyoutoholdthefuckinkid?Areyousobusypickingoutconsumergoodsandreachingfor yourcreditcardthatyoucantholdthebaby?Itsnotanaccessoryorasmallappliance.Itsababy. Mostofthetimepeoplefeelokay.Probablyitsbecauseatthatmomenttheyrenotactuallydying. YouknowwhatIlikeabouttheAmericanformofgovernment?Theyveworkedthingsoutsothat youreneverfarfroma7Eleven. Youknowwhatyouneverhearabout?AbunchofJewsbeinghitbyatornado. Dontyouhateitwhenpeoplesendyouunsolicitedpicturesoftheirkids?Whatsthatallabout?It bothersme.Ihatetokeepthrowingawayperfectlygoodpictures. WhenIseeaguywithhaironhisbackIimmediatelyrelegatehimtotheanimalkingdom.

Everysixminutestheresarapeinthiscountry,andboy,ismydicksore.Imtellinya,everyday, housetohouse,theresnoletup.Itsafuckinhassle. Ihaventeatenanicecreamsandwichinfortysevenyears. NexttimeyouseeBingCrosbyplayingapriestinamovie,picturehimbeatinghischildreninreallife. Iveneverbeenquarantined.ButthemoreIlookaroundthemoreIthinkitmightnotbeabadidea. Heressomefun:Runintoabakeryandaskiftheycanbakeacakeintheshapeofapenis.Theyre neverquitesure;theyalwayshavetohaveameeting. Well,Idontknow.Waitjustamoment. Whiletheyretalking,pulloutyourschwanzandwaveitallaround. GoodLord,Helen!Quick!Orderextraflour! Idontthinkweshouldbegoverningourselves.Whatweneedisaking,andeverynowandthenifthe kingsnotdoingagoodjob,wekillhim. Sofar,thisistheoldestIvebeen. IthinksomeonecouldmakealotofmoneyiftheysetupalittlestandattheGrandCanyonandsold YoYoswith500footstrings. Roadrage,airrage.WhyshouldIbeforcedtodividemyrageintoseparatecategories?Tome,itsjust onebig,allaround,everydayrage.Idonthavetimeforfinedistinctions.Imbusyscreamingat people. TheressomethingIlikeabouttheclitoris,butIcantquiteputmyfingeronit. Drivingisfun.Didyoueverrunoveraguy?Andthenyoupanic?Soyoubackupandrunoverhim

again?Youevernoticethesecondcrunchisnotasloudasthefirst?Ithinkitsbecausetheguyalready hastreadmarksonhim.Butthereheis,lyinrightinfrontofyourcar.Mightaswellrunoverhim again.Whatreyougonnadothistime,drivearoundhim? WhenRonaldReagangotAlzheimersdisease,howcouldtheytell?Sometimestheysaythewindsare calm.Well,iftheyrecalm,theyrenotreallywinds,arethey?Ithinkagoodtitleforatravelbook wouldbeDoorwaytoNorway.Nexttimetheygiveyouallthatcivicbullshitaboutvoting,keepinmind thatHitlerwaselectedinafull, freedemocraticelection. WouldsomebodypleasetellmewhatissosacredabouttheLincolnBedroom?IfitweretheUlyssesS. GrantBedroom,doyouthinkpeoplewouldvebeenasannoyedthatClintonrenteditouttocampaign donors?No.ItsjustthebullshitLincolnmyththatcausedtheuproar.Whydotheykeeptrottingout thisBillyGrahamcharacter?Hehasnothingtosay,andbasicallynoone givesafuck.Murderinvestigatorssaythatinmostcaseshusbandskillwives,wiveskillhusbands, childrenkill parents,andparentskillchildren.ThankGodforalittlesanityintheworld.RegardingtheBoyScouts, Imverysuspiciousofanyorganizationthathasahandbook.Iftherereallyaremultipleuniverses,what dotheycallthethingtheyreallapartof?Wheredidthisideacomefromthatifyoureacelebrity, andsomethingbadhappenstoyou,youhaveto devoteyourlifetoeliminatingthesameproblemforeveryoneelse?MichaelJ.Fox,ChristopherReeve, MaryTylerMoore;theyallworkoncuringtheirownafflictions.Whydoesntacelebritywithmilkleg everdosomethingaboutdandyfever?Howaboutanactorwithwoolsortersdiseaseraisingmoneyfor thevictimsofswimmingpoolgranuloma?ThatsthetroublewithHollywood,noimagination. Insteadofwarningpregnantwomennottodrink,Ithinkfemalealcoholicsoughttobetoldnottofuck. YOURCHILDRENAREOVERRATED SomethingelseImgettingtiredofinthiscountryisallthisstupidbullshitIhavetolistentoabout children.Thatsallyouhearanymore,children:Helpthechildren,savethechildren,protectthe children.YouknowwhatIsay?Fuckthechildren!Fuckem!Fuckkids;theyregettingentirelytoo muchattention.

AndIknowwhatsomeofyouarethinking:Jesus,hesnotgoingtoattackchildren,ishe?Yesheis! Hesgoingtoattackchildren.Andremember,thisisMr.Conductortalking;IknowwhatImtalking about. AndIalsoknowthatallyouboringsingledadsandworkingmoms,whothinkyouresuchfuckin heroes,arentgonnalikethis,butsomebodysgottatellyouforyourowngood:yourchildrenare overratedandovervalued,andyouveturnedthemintolittlecultobjects.Youhaveachildfetish,and itsnothealthy.Anddontgivemeallthatweakshit,Well,Ilovemychildren.Fuckyou!Everybody lovestheirchildren;itdoesntmakeyouspecial. JohnWayneGacylovedhischildren.Yes,hedid.Hekeptemallrightoutintheyard,nearthegarage. ThatsnotwhatImtalkingabout.WhatImtalkingaboutisthisconstant,mindlessyammeringinthe media,thisneuroticfixationthatsuggestssomehoweverythingeverythinghastorevolvearoundthe livesofchildren.Itscompletelyoutofbalance. LetsGetReal Listen,thereareacoupleofthingsaboutkidsyouhavetoremember.Firstofall,theyrenotallcute.In fact,ifyoulookatemrealclose,mostofthemareratherunpleasantlooking.Andalotofthemdont smelltoogoodeither.Thelittleonesinparticularseemtohaveakindofurineandsourmilk combinationthatIdontcareforatall.Staywithmeonthisfolks,thesooneryoufaceitthebetteroff youregonnabe. Secondpremise:notallchildrenaresmartandclever.Gotthat?Kidsarelikeanyothergroupofpeople: afewwinners,awholelotoflosers!Thiscountryisfilledwithloserkidswhosimply...arent...going anywhere!Andtheresnothingyoucandoaboutit,folks.Nothing!Youcantsaveemall.Youcant doit.Yougottaletemgo;yougottacutemloose;yougottastopoverprotectingthem,because youremakingemtoosoft.Todayskidsarewaytoosoft. SafeandSorry Foronething,therestoomuchemphasisonsafetyandsafetyequipment:childproofmedicinebottles, fireproofpajamas,childrestraints,carseats.Andhelmets!Bicycle,baseball,skateboard,scooter

helmets.Kidshavetowearhelmetsnowforeverythingbutjerkingoff.Grownupshavetakenallthefun outofbeingakid,justtosaveafewthousandlives.Itspathetic. Whatshappenedis,thesebabyboomers,thesesoft,fruitybabyboomers,haveraisedanentire generationofsoft,fruitykidswhoarentevenallowedtohavehazardoustoys,forChrissakes! Hazardoustoys,shit!Whateverhappenedtonaturalselection?Survivalofthefittest?Thekidwho swallowstoomanymarblesdoesntgrowuptohavekidsofhisown.Simplestuff.Natureknowsbest! Weresavingentirelytoomanylivesinthiscountryofallages!Natureshouldbepermittedtodoits jobweedingoutandkillingofftheweakandsicklyandignorantpeople,withoutinterferencefrom airbagsandbattinghelmets.Wereloweringthehumangenepool!Iftheseideasbotheryou,justthink ofthemaspassiveeugenics. NewMath Heresanotherexampleofoverprotectionforthesekids,andyouveseenthisoneonthenews.Did youevernoticethateverytimesomeguywithanAK47strollsintotheschoolyardandkillsthreeor fourofthesefuckinkidsandacoupleofteachers,thenextdaytheschoolisoverrunwith psychologistsandpsychiatristsandgriefcounselorsandtraumatherapists,tryingtohelpthechildren cope? Shit!WhenIwasakid,andsomeguycametoourschoolandkilledthreeorfourofus,wewentrighton withourarithmetic:Thirtyfiveclassmatesminusfourequalsthirtyone.Weweretough!Isayifakid canhandletheviolenceathome,heoughtabeabletohandletheviolenceatschool. OutofUniform Anotherbunchofignorantbullshitaboutyourchildren:schooluniforms.Badtheory!Theideathatif kidswearuniformstoschool,ithelpskeeporder.Hey!Donttheseschoolsdoenoughdamagemakin allthesechildrenthinkalike?Nowtheyregonnagetemtolookalike,too? Anditsnotevenanewidea;Ifirstsawitinoldnewsreelsfromthe1930s,butitwashardto understand,becausethenarrationwasinGerman!Buttheuniformslookedbeautiful.Andthechildren

dideverythingtheyweretoldandneverquestionedauthority.Gee,Iwonderwhysomeonewouldwant toputourchildreninuniforms.Cantimagine. Andonemoreitemaboutchildren:thissuperstitiousnonsenseofblamingtobaccocompaniesforkids whosmoke.Listen!Kidsdontsmokebecauseacamelinsunglassestellsthemto.Theysmokeforthe samereasonsadultsdo,becauseitsanenjoyableactivitythatrelievesanxietyanddepression. Andyoudbeanxiousanddepressedtooifyouhadtoputupwithpathetic,insecure,yuppieparents whoenrollyouincollegebeforeyouveevenfiguredoutwhichsideoftheplaypensmellstheworst andthenfillyoufullofRitalintogetyouinamoodtheyapproveof,anddragyouallovertowninsearch ofempty,meaninglessstructure:LittleLeague,CubScouts,swimming,soccer,karate,piano,bagpipes, watercolors,witchcraft,glassblowing,anddildopractice.Itsabsurd. Theyevenhaveplaydates,forChristssake!Playingisnowdonebyappointment!Whatever happenedtoYoushowmeyourweewee,andIllshowyoumine?Youneverhearthatanymore. Butitstrue.Alotofthesestriving,analparentsareburningtheirkidsoutonstructure.Ithinkwhat everychildneedsandoughttohaveeverydayistwohoursofdaydreaming.Plainolddaydreaming. TurnofftheInternet,theCDROMs,andthecomputergamesandletthemstareatatreeforacoupleof hours.Itsgoodforthem.Andyouknowsomething?Everynowandthentheyactuallycomeupwith oneoftheirownideas.Youwanttoknowhowyoucanhelpyourkids?Leavethemthefuckalone! CARSANDDRIVING:PARTTWO ReverseLogic Heresanembarrassingdrivingsituation,thekindofthingthatcanhauntyouforseveralhundred miles.Oneofthoseincidentsyoucantjustshakeoff.Likethetimeyoualmostgotkilledbythebig tractortrailer,andhadtopullofftheroadforabouttwentyminutesandlistentoyourheartslamming upagainstyourribcage?BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!Well,thisnextthingisjustlikethat,but thisisoneyoudoallbyyourself.

Didyoueverpulluptoaredlight,andgoalittlebittoofarintotheintersection?Justafewextrafeet? So,youputthecarinreverseandbackupjuuuustalittlebit.Andthenyouforgetthecarisin reverse?Andsoyousitthere,innocently,waitingforthelighttochange.Lookingaround.Eagertoget movinagain.Dontwannakeeptheproctologistwaiting.Dadum,dadum,deedee,dadum. Atthispoint,folks,youaretrulyanaccidentwaitingtohappen.Aninsuranceclaiminprogress.So,you sitsomemore,andyousitsomemore,andyouwait,andyouwait,andyouwait.Andyoustareatthe redlight,andyoulookoveratthewomanontherightadjustinhertits,andyoulookattheguyonthe leftpickinhisnose,andthenfinallyfinallythelightchangesandoffyougo!CRASH!CRUNCH! CRUMPLE!TINKLE!DirectlybackwardintothegrilleofwhatwasformerlyacutelittleredYugo. Holyshit!HowdIgetbackhere?ThisiswhereIwasacouplaminutesago! Apparently,youhavetopayattentionevenattheredlights.Ithoughtsurelytheywereforresting.You know,drivealittle,restalittle,drivealittle,restalittle.Seemedthatwaytome.Guessnot. Oh,Brother! Heresalittleredlightstorysomebodytoldmealongtimeago.Thisguysdrivinalong,hesgot someonesittinrightnexttohiminthepassengerseat,andhegoesstraightthrougharedlight. ZOOOOM! Passengersays,Whaddayadoin? Driversays,Nevermind!Mybrotherdriveslikethis. Theygoalittlefarther,andcometoanotherredlight.ZOOM!Guygoesrightthroughit! Whaddayadoin?

 Willyoustop?Itoldya,mybrotherdriveslikethis. Hekeepsongoin,andnowhecomestoagreenlight.Heslamsonthebrakes. Whaddayadoin? Well,youneverknow.Mybrothermightbecomintheotherway! Turn,Turn,Turn Now,acoupleofthingstorememberwhenyoureoutintraffic.Firstofall,nevergetbehindanybody weird.Yevergetstuckbehindaguywhoseturnsignalhasbeenonforabouteightymiles?Andyoure thinkintoyourself,Well,maybehesjustareallycautiousman.Imnotgonnapasshimnow,he mayturnatanymoment. Andlateryoudiscoverhewasdrivingaroundtheworldtotheleft! SlowDancinintheFastLane Anotherpainintheassyoudontwanttogetbehindisanyonewhodrivesrealsssllloooww.Boy, thatsgoodforyourarteries,isntit?Someonereally...really...sssllloooww! Therearetwoclassesofdriversinthiscategory.ThefirstisanyfourfootwomaninaCadillacwhose headyoucannotsee.Thisiscertaindeath.Atfirstyouthink,Well,maybeitsaremotecontrolled, experimentalrobotcar.No,Icanseetinyknucklesonthewheelandasmallpatchofbluehair.Atthis pointItakenochances;Ipulloverimmediatelyandtakepublictransportation.Imnotabouttofuck withaghostcar;letsomeoneelseflagdowntheFlyingDutchman,itsnotmyjob.

Anotherdriveryoudontwanttogetbehindisanymanoverseventywearingaflannelcapwith earflaps.InAugust.Keepyourdistance!Because,folks,youknowhowpissedyoucanget.Eventhough youthinkyoureamightycoolcustomer,youdogetmightypissedoutthere. GettinEven Dontyouoccasionallywishthatinsteadofhavingheadlightsyouhadacoupleof50calibermachine gunsonthefrontofyourcar?Soyoucouldsendseveralhundredroundsofburningleadintothatslow movingasguzzlerupahead?Justincineratethemotherfuckerandgethisassofftheroad permanently? Ordontyouwishyouweredrivingarentedcar,soyoucouldbashtheassholeintherearend,paythe deductible,andbedonewiththewholegoddamnthing?BAM!BAM!BAM! Dontmindme,folks.Imjusttryintoeasehimintosecondgear.BAM!BAM!BAM! God,itwoulddomyheartgood. Oriftheoffenderisdirectlybehindyou,wouldntitbenicetohaveanelectronicmessageboardthat wouldriseupoutofthetrunkofyourcarandletyoutypeinanymessageyoulike?ATTENTION, ASSHOLE!YOUDRIVELIKEOLDPEOPLEFUCK.SLOWANDSLOPPY! YouLightUpMylife Speakinofbehindyou,dontyoujustloveitwhentheresoneofthoseguysonyourtail whosebrightsareon?Isntthatatreat?Someshitstainwhojusthadhisheadlightsaimedandwants youtoseewhatawonderfuljobhismechanicdid?Youknowhowyouhandleaguylikethat?Slamon yourbrakesandlethimplowrightintoyou.Itmightcostyoualittlemoney,butitsureputsthem fuckinlightsoutinahurry.Lethimfindhiswayhomeinthedark. VolumeControl

 Doesthiseverhappentoyou?Youredrivingthroughheavydowntowntraffic,blocktoblock,streetto street.Busyarea.Peoplehurryinhomeatfiveoclock.Maybeitswinter,anditsalreadydark, rainingalittlebit.Yougotthewindowopen,andyoucanheartherainandthetrafficnoise.People honkinateachother.Gottheradioon.Gotthewindshieldwipersgoing.Everythingshappeningat once:radio,rain,wipers,horns,trafficlotsofnoise.Andyourejusttryingtogetacrosstowntorun anerrand.Andthen,afterallkindsofhassles,yougetoverthereandparkthecar,turnoffthekey,go inside,andtakecareofbusiness.Andthenwhenyoucomebackouttothecarandturnonthekey,THE GODDAMNRADIOISTHISLOUD!!! Andyousitthere,stunned,thinkingtoyourself,CouldI...possibly...havebeen...listeningto that? WhatsMyLane? Heresoneofthosethingsyouhavetodoeverytimeyoudrive,especiallyifyoureinahurry.It happensasyouapproacharedlight,andfindseverallanesofcarsaheadofyou.Asyourolluptothe pack,youhavetodecidewhichlanetogetinto.Youhavetoguesswhichcarlookslikeagoodbetto takeoffquickly,soyoucanmoveoutfastwhenthelightturnsgreen.Withhalfablocktogoyouhaveto decidewhosthereallyfastassholeinthisgroupupahead. ForgettheVolvo,sheslisteningtopublicradio,anddrivesthewaysheliveswithfearandcaution. YoullalsowanttoavoidthatToyotawiththefishsymbol;ChristiansdriveasthoughJesushimselfwas atrafficcop.And,byallmeans,ignoretheLexuswiththeheavilymadeup,bejeweledpigwoman.She hasthereflexesofanagingpanda. Ahhhhh!Heresthecorrectmachinetogetbehind:aCamarowithfourdifferentshadesofprimerpaint andabumperstickerthatsaysIDATEMYSISTER.Thisguysarealrisktaker;fullofcrank,andonhis waytoanAC/DCconcert.Youllbehomebeforeyouknowit. GoinHome

Now,onelastreminderbeforeItowthistrustylittleshitboxofmineintotheshopforitsbimonthly overhaul.Andthisshouldgowithoutsaying.ThatswhyImgoingtosayit:Drinkinganddrivingdont mix.Doyourdrinkingearlyinthemorningandgetitoutoftheway.Thengodrivingwhilethevisibilityis stillgood. HEIGHHO,HEIGHHO,ITSOFFTOWORKWEGO WhatwinegoeswithCapnCrunch?Ihavetroubleselectingawineinthemorning.SometimesIgive up,smokeabongfullofFrootLoops,andjustgobacktobed.Trythatsometime.Smokeabongfullof FrootLoops,gobacktobed,andwatchthemidmorningmovie.Callyourbossandtellhimyousmoked someFrootLoops,yourewatchingamovie,andyoullbeinaround2:30.Thatis,ifyoufeellikeit. Thatsthewayyouhandleaboss.Youcanttakeshitfromsomeonejustbecauseyouworkforhim. Lethimknowwhotherealbossis.Tellhimitsyourjob,andyoulldoityourway.Thatswhatbosses likepeoplewithspunk.Actthesamewaywhenyougoinforajobinterview.Letemknowwhatkind ofpersonyouare.Haveabeeropenerandsomeswizzlesticksstickingoutofyourbreastpocket.Puta littleconfettiinyourhair.Tellthemyourprimarycareerispartyingandworkiskindofasideline. Telltheintervieweryoullneedanofficenearthefrontdoorsoyoucanleaveinahurryatfiveoclock. Iaintstickinaroundthisfuckinplaceafterhours,Illtellyouthatrightnow. Lethimknowwhatshappening.Tellhimyouhopeitsnotoneofthosechickenshitplaceswhere theydockyourpayjustfortakingoffMondaysandFridays. Then,ifyoustilldonthavethejob,pointtothepictureonhisdeskandsay,Whosthecunt? Thatllclinchit.Youllprobablyhaveanicelongcareerwiththatfirm.Onceallyourmedical procedureshavebeencompleted. SHORTTAKES Intheexpressiontopsyturvy,whatexactlyismeantbyturvy?

 Idliketopassalongapieceofwisdommyfirstgradeteachersharedwithuskids.Shesaid,Youshow meatropicalfruit,andIllshowyouacocksuckerfromGuatemala.Illalwaysrememberthat. Imcurious,whatpreciselyisZsaZsaGaborsjobtitle? IffreetradecanreallyturnalltheseThirdWorldcountriesintothrivingeconomiesfullofentrepreneurs andinvestors,whosgonnacleanthefuckintoiletsaroundhere? Youknowwhatsfun?GotoaGermanrestaurantandinsistonusingchopsticks. Imhappytosaythatduringthe2000OlympicsImissedeverysingleeventwithoutexception, managingeventoavoidalltheclipsshownonnewscasts.AndalthoughIsometimeswatchNBCand MSNBCforotherreasons,thistime,wheneverIventuredintothosetwolocationsitwaswiththe remotecontrolfirmlyinhand,readytochangechannelsinstantly,intheeventthatdepressingOlympic thememusicorthoserepulsivefiveringssuddenlyshowedup. Ifitrequiresauniformitsaworthlessendeavor. TrueStuffThereisactuallyaTVcommercialinLasVegasthatadvertisesaservicecalledDiscount Bankruptcy. ThereisnowaStarbucksinmypants. Aslongasyouvedecidedtodrinkalldaytheresnothingwrongwithstartingearlyinthemorning. OddFactWhentwowomenwithdifferentcoloredhairwalktogetheronasidewalk,theonewiththe darkerhairwillalwaysbepositionedclosesttothecurb.

Ihopewerenotjusthumangarbagedriftingtowardabigsewer.ButIthinkso.Ilikethefactthatrap musiciansaremurderingeachother.Idonthaveaproblemwithrapmusic,itsjustthatIliketheidea ofcelebritieskillingeachother.WouldntitbegreatifDanRathersnuckuponTomBrokawduringthe newsandstabbedhiminthehead?OrimagineJulieAndrewsputtingratpoisoninLizaMinnellistriple vodkawhenshegetsuptotakeashitatSardis.Heresagreatone:Richard SimmonsandLouieAndersongrabRosieODonnellandchokehertodeath.Itsjustfuntothink about,isntit?TennistipYougetabetterreturnofserveifyoulettheballbouncetwicebeforehitting it.Peopleonadietshouldhaveasaladdressingcalled250Islands.Cananyoneexplaintomethe needforonehourphotofinishing?Youjustsawthefuckinthing!How canyoupossiblybenostalgicaboutaconceptlikealittlewhileago?Itriedtogiveupheroin,butmy effortswereallinvein.WhenIwasaboy,onGoodFridayinmyparish,inordertodramatizetheextent ofJesussuffering,a groupofthepriestsusedtogettogetherandcrucifyoneofthechildren.IfthereasonforclimbingMt. Everestisthatitshardtodo,whydoeseveryonegouptheeasyside?Byandlarge,languageisatool forconcealingthetruth.WhatisallthisshitaboutDickClarknotlookinghisage?Takeacloserlook.You knowmyfavoriteplayinbaseball?Thebeanball.Itsgreat,isntit?Itsdramatic.Especiallyifthe guyisreallyhurt.Sometimestheballhitsthehelmet,andyoufeelkindofdisappointed.Eventhoughit makesagoodloudnoise. Doyoueveropenthedictionaryrighttothepageyouwant?Doesntthatfeelgood? HeresmyideaforanotheroneofthoserealitybasedTVshows:NoSurvivors!Onebyone,a psychopathicserialkillertracksdownandkillsalloftheSurvivorsurvivors.Thinkofitasapublic service. AsfarasImconcerned,humanshavenotyetcomeupwithabeliefthatsworthbelieving. Peoplegetallupsetabouttorture,butwhenyougetrightdowntoit,itsreallyaprettygoodwayof findingoutsomethingapersondoesntwantyoutoknow. HowsooncanwebegintoexecutetheseyuppiehalfwitswhonametheirgoldenretrieversJakeand put redbandannasaroundtheirnecks?Apparently,thisisviewedasamusingorironicorsomeotherquality yuppiesvaluehighly.Itisntamusing;itsprecious,halfwitbullshit. Theysayonly10percentofthebrainsfunctionisknown.Apparently,thefunctionoftheremaining90

percentistokeepusfromdiscoveringitsfunction.Ethnicwise,Illtellyouthis:ifIhadntturnedout tobeIrish,Iwouldvereallylikedtobeaguinea. YouknowthegoodpartaboutallthoseexecutionsinTexas?FewerTexans. Imtiredofhearingaboutinnocentvictims.Itsfiction.Ifyouliveonthisplanetyoureguilty,period, fuckyou,nextcase,endofreport.Yourbirthcertificateisproofofguilt. IenjoywatchingrerunsofSaturdayNightLiveandcountingallthedeadpeople. AIRPORTSECURITY Imgettingtiredofallthissecurityattheairport.Therestoomuchofit.Imtiredofsomefatchick withadoubledigitIQandatripledigitincomerootinaroundinsidemybagfornoreasonandnever findinganything.Haventfoundanythingyet.Haventfoundonebombinonebag.Anddonttellme, Well,theterroristsknowtheirbagsaregoingtobesearched,sonowtheyreleavingtheirbombsat home.Therearenobombs!Thewholethingisfuckinpointless. Anditscompletelywithoutlogic.Theresnologicatall.Theylltakeawayagun,butletyoukeepa knife!Well,whatthefuckisthat?Infact,theresawholelistoflethalobjectstheywillallowyouto takeonboard.Theoretically,youcouldtakeaknife,anicepick,ahatchet,astraightrazor,apairof scissors,achainsaw,sixknittingneedles,andabrokenwhiskeybottle,andtheonlythingtheydsayto youis,Thatbaghastofitallthewayundertheseatinfrontofyou. Andifyoudidnttakeaweapononboard,relax.Afteryouvebeenflyingforaboutanhour,theyre gonnabringyouaknifeandfork!Theyactuallygiveyouafuckingknife!Itsonlyatableknifebutyou couldkillapilotwithatableknife.Itmighttakeyouacoupleofminutes.Especiallyifheshefty.But youcouldgetthejobdone.Ifyoureallywantedtokilltheprick. Shit,therearealotofthingsyoucouldusetokillaguywith.Youcouldprobablybeataguytodeath withtheSundayNewYorkTimes.Orsupposeyoujusthadreallybighands,couldntyoustranglea flightattendant?Shit,youcouldprobablystrangletwoofthem,onewitheachhand.Thatis,ifyouwere

luckyenoughtocatcheminthatlittlekitchenarea.Justbeforetheybreakoutthefuckinpeanuts. Butyoucouldgetthejobdone.Ifyoureallycaredenough. So,whyisittheyallowamanwithbig,powerfulhandstogetonboardanairplane?Illtellyouwhy. Theyknowhesnotasecurityrisk,becausehesalreadyansweredthethreebigquestions.Question numberone: Didyoupackyourbagsyourself? No,CarrotToppackedmybags.HeandMarthaStewartandFlorenceHendersoncameovertothe houselastnight,fixedmealovelylobsterNewburg,gavemeafullbodymassagewithsacredoilsfrom India,performedafourwayaroundtheworld,andthentheypackedmybags.Nextquestion. Haveyourbagsbeeninyourpossessionthewholetime? No.UsuallythenightbeforeItraveljustasthemoonisrisingIplacemysuitcasesoutonthestreet cornerandleavethemthere,unattended,forseveralhours.Justforgoodluck.Nextquestion. Hasanyunknownpersonaskedyoutotakeanythingonboard? Well,whatexactlyisanunknownperson?Surelyeveryoneisknowntosomeone.Infact,justthis morning,KareemandYoussefAlibenGabbaseemedtoknoweachotherquitewell.Theykeptjoking aboutwhichoneofmysuitcaseswastheheaviest. Andthatsanotherthingtheydontlikeattheairport.Jokes.Youcantjokeaboutabomb.Well,why isitjustjokes?Whataboutariddle?Howaboutalimerick?Howaboutabombanecdote?Youknow,no punchline,justareallycutestory.Or,supposeyouintendedtheremarknotasajokebutasanironic musing?Aretheypreparedtomakethatdistinction?Ithinknot!Andbesides,whostosaywhats funny? Airportsecurityisastupididea,itsawasteofmoney,anditsthereforonlyonereason:tomake whitepeoplefeelsafe!Thatsallitsfor.Toprovideafeeling,anillusion,ofsafetyinordertoplacate

themiddleclass.Becausetheauthoritiesknowtheycantmakeairplanessafe;toomanypeoplehave access.Youllnoticethedrugsmugglersdontseemtohavealotoftroublegettingtheirlittle packagesonboard,dothey?No.AndGodblessthem,too. Andbytheway,anairplaneflightshouldntbecompletelysafe.Youneedalittledangerinyourlife. Takeafuckinchance,willya?Whatareyougonnado,playwithyourprickforanotherthirtyyears? What,areyougonnareadPeoplemagazineandeatatWendystilltheendoftime?Takeafuckin chance! Besides,eveniftheymadealloftheairplanescompletelysafe,theterroristswouldsimplystart bombingotherplacesthatarecrowded:pornshops,crackhouses,tittybars,andgangbangs.Youknow, entertainmentvenues.Theoddsofyoubeingkilledbyaterroristarepracticallyzero.SoIsay,relaxand enjoytheshow. Youhavetoberealisticaboutterrorism.CertaingroupsofpeopleMuslimfundamentalists,Christian fundamentalists,Jewishfundamentalists,andjustplainguysfromMontanaaregoingtocontinueto makelifeinthiscountryveryinterestingforalong,longtime.Thatsthereality.Angrymenincombat fatiguestalkintoGodonatwowayradioandmutteringincoherentslogansaboutfreedomare eventuallygonnaprovideuswithagreatdealofentertainment. Especiallyafteryourstupidfuckineconomycollapsesallaroundyou,andtheterroristscomeoutof thewoodwork.Andyoullhaveanthraxinthewatersupplyandsaringasintheairconditioners; therellbechemicalandbiologicalsuitcasebombsineverycity,andIsay,Relax.Enjoytheshow!Take afuckinchance.Putalittlefuninyourlife. Tome,terrorismisexciting.IthinktheveryideathatyoucansetoffabombinMacysandkillseveral hundredpeopleisexcitingandstimulating,andIseeitasaformofentertainment. ButIalsoknowmostAmericansaresoft,frightened,unimaginativepeople,whohavenoideatheres suchathingasdangerousfun.Andtheycertainlydontrecognizegoodentertainmentwhentheysee it.Ihavealwaysbeenwillingtoputmyselfatgreatpersonalriskforthesakeofentertainment.AndIve alwaysbeenwillingtoputyouatgreatpersonalriskforthesamereason.

AsfarasImconcerned,allofthisairportsecuritythecameras,thequestions,thescreenings,the searchesisjustonemorewayofreducingyourlibertyandremindingyouthattheycanfuckwithyou anytimetheywantaslongasyourewillingtoputupwithit.Whichmeans,ofcourse,anytimethey want.BecausethatsthewayAmericansarenow.Theyrealwayswillingtotradeawayalittleoftheir freedominexchangeforthefeelingtheillusionofsecurity. Whatwenowhaveisacompletelyneuroticpopulationobsessedwithsecurity,safety,crime,drugs, cleanliness,hygiene,andgerms!Theresanotherthing.Fearofgerms. FEAROFGERMS Wheredidthissuddenfearofgermscomefrominthiscountry?Haveyounoticedthis?Themedia constantlydoingstoriesaboutthelatestinfections?Salmonella,E.coli,hantavirus,WestNilefever?And Americanspaniceasily,sonoweverybodysrunningaround,scrubbingthis,sprayingthat,overcooking theirfood,andrepeatedlywashingtheirhands;tryingtoavoidallcontactwithgerms. Itsridiculous,anditgoestoridiculouslengths.Inprisonsandthisistrueinprisons,beforetheygive youalethalinjection,theyswabyourarmwithalcohol.Itstrue!Well,theydontwantyoutogetan infection.Andyoucanseetheirpoint:wouldntwantsomeguytogotohellandbesick!Itwouldtakea lotofthesportoutofthewholeexecution. Fearofgerms.Bunchafuckinpussies.Youcantevengetadecenthamburgeranymore;theycookthe shitoutofeverything,becauseeveryonesafraidoffoodpoisoning.Hey,wheresyoursenseof adventure?Takeafuckinchance!Youknowhowmanypeoplediefromfoodpoisoninginthiscountry everyyear?Ninethousand!Thatsall!Itsaminorrisk.Takeafuckinchance.Bunchagoddamn pussies! Besides,whatdoyouthinkyouhaveanimmunesystemfor?Itsforkillinggerms.Butitneedspractice. Itneedsgermstopracticeon.Soifyoukillallthegermsaroundyouandliveacompletelysterilelife, thenwhengermsdocomealong,yourenotgoingtobeprepared. Andnevermindordinarygerms,whatareyougonnadowhensomesuperviruscomesalongthatturns yourvitalorgansintoliquidshit?Illtellyouwhatyouregonnado.Youregonnagetsick,youre

gonnadie,andyouregonnadeserveit,becauseyourefuckinweak,andyouvegotafuckin weakimmunesystem. Letmetellyouatruestoryaboutimmunization.WhenIwasalittleboyinNewYorkCityinthe1940s, weswamintheHudsonRiver.Anditwasfilledwithrawsewage.Okay?Weswaminrawsewage!You know,tocooloff. Atthattimethebigfearwaspolio;thousandsofkidsdiedfrompolioeveryyear.Butyouknow somethin?Inmyneighborhoodnooneevergotpolio.Noone.Ever!Youknowwhy?Becausewe swaminrawsewage!Itstrengthenedourimmunesystems.Thepolioneverhadaprayer;wewere temperedinrawshit! So,personally,Inevertakeanyspecialprecautionsagainstgerms.Idontshyawayfrompeoplewho sneezeandcough,Idontwipeoffthetelephone,Idontcoverthetoiletseat,andifIdropfoodon thefloor,Ipickitupandeatit.EvenifImatasidewalkcaf.InCalcutta.Thepoorsection.OnNew Yearsmorningduringasoccerriot. Andyouknowsomething?Inspiteofallofthatsocalledriskybehavior,Inevergetinfections.Ijust dontgetem,folks.Idontgetcolds,Idontgetflu,andIdontgetfoodpoisoning.Andyouknow why?BecauseIhaveagood,strongimmunesystem,anditgetsalotofpractice. Myimmunesystemisequippedwiththebiologicalequivalentoffullyautomatic,militaryassaultrifles withnightvisionandlaserscopes.Andwehaverecentlyacquiredphosphorousgrenades,cluster bombs,andantipersonnelfragmentationmines. So,whenmywhitebloodcellsareonpatrol,reconnoiteringmybloodstream,seekingoutstrangersand otherundesirables,iftheyseeanyanysuspiciouslookinggermsofanykind,theydontfuckaround. Theywhipouttheweapons,waxthemotherfucker,anddeposittheunluckyfellowdirectlyintomy colon!Directlyintomycolon!Theresnononsense.TheresnoMirandawarning,theresnoneof thatthreestrikesandyoureoutshit.Firstoffense,BAM!Intothecolonyougo. Andspeakingofmycolon,IwantyoutoknowIdontautomaticallywashmyhandseverytimeIgoto thebathroom.Canyoudealwiththat?SometimesIdo,sometimesIdont.YouknowwhenIwashmy

hands?WhenIshitonthem!Thatstheonlytime.Andyouknowhowoftenthathappens? Topstopstwo,threetimesaweek.Tops!Maybealittlemorefrequentlyovertheholidays.Youknow whatImean? AndIlltellyousomethingelse,mywellscrubbedfriends.Youdontalwaysneedashowereveryday. Didyouknowthat?Itsoverkill!Unlessyouworkout,orworkoutdoors,orforsomereasoncomein intimatecontactwithhugeamountsoffilthandgarbageeveryday,youdontalwaysneedashower. Allyoureallyneedistowashthefourkeyareas:armpits,asshole,crotch,andteeth!Gotthat?The hookersbath.Armpits,asshole,crotch,andteeth.Infact,youcansaveyourselfawholelotoftimeif yousimplyusethesamebrushonallfourareas! BUTFIRST,THISFUCKINMESSAGE Commercialsusesextosellthings;whycanttheyuseviolenceandbadlanguagetoo?Notallfamilies areasfunctionalastheonestheyshowyouonTV. MOM:Eatyourfuckincornflakes,yacocksucker! SON:Fuckyou,Ma. MOM:Whyyoulittlecreep!SLAM!SMACK!POW! DAD:Here,Son,trythis.ItsnewfromKelloggs. SON:Holyshit,raisins! MOM:Hey,asshole!Whatreyatryintodo,spoilthekid?

 DAD:Listen,cunt,Imtiredofyourmeddlin!BLAM!POW!CRACK! SON:Hey,Dad,whenyougetfinishedpunchinMom,gimmesomemoreofthatshitwiththeraisinsin it,willya? AdvertisingLullabye Quality,value,style, service,selection,convenience, economy,savings,performance, experience,hospitality, lowrates,friendlyservice, namebrands,easyterms, affordableprices,moneybackguarantee, freeinstallation. Freeadmission,freeappraisal,freealterations, freedelivery,freeestimates, freehometrialandfreeparking. Nocash?Noproblem.Nokidding! Nofuss,nomuss,norisk,noobligation, noredtape,nodownpayment, noentryfee,nohiddencharges, nopurchasenecessary, noonewillcallonyou, nopaymentsorinteresttillSeptember.

 Limitedtimeonly,though, soactnow, ordertoday, sendnomoney, offergoodwhilesupplieslast, twotoacustomer, eachitemsoldseparately, batteriesnotincluded, mileagemayvary, allsalesarefinal, allowsixweeksfordelivery, someitemsnotavailable, someassemblyrequired, somerestrictionsmayapply. Socomeoninforafreedemonstrationandafreeconsultationwithourfriendly,professionalstaff.Our experiencedandknowledgeablesalesrepresentativeswillhelpyoumakeaselectionthatsjustright for youandjustrightforyourbudget.Anddontforgettopickupyourfreegift:Aclassic,deluxe,custom, designer,luxury,prestige,highquality,premium,select,gourmetpocketpencilsharpener.Yoursforthe asking,nopurchasenecessary.Itsourwayofsayingthankyou. Andifyouactnow,wellincludeanextra,added,free,complimentarybonusgift,atnocosttoyou.A classic,deluxe,custom,designer,luxury,prestige,highquality,premium,select,gourmetcombination keyring,magnifyingglass,andgardenhose.Inagenuine,imitationleatherstylecarryingcasewith authenticvinyltrim.Yoursfortheasking,nopurchasenecessary.Itsourwayofsayingthankyou.

Actually,itsourwayofsaying,Bendoverjustalittlefarther,sowecanstickthisbigadvertisingdick upyourassalittlebitdeeper[pelvicthrust!].Alittlebitdeeper[thrust!],alittlebitdeeper[thrust!],you miserable,nogood,dumbass,fuckingconsumer! SHORTTAKES Heressomefun:Standonlineatthebankforareallylongtime.Then,whenyoufinallygetuptothe window,justaskforchangeofanickel.Itsfun.Theyactuallycallothertellersovertolookatyou. RegardingPokemon,BeanieBabies,andsuch:somethingisreallywrongwhenamajornewsstory concernshowharditistobuyatoy.Idontknowhowyoufeel,butImprettysickofchurchpeople. Youknowwhattheyoughttodowithchurches?Taxthem.Ifholypeoplearesointerestedinpolitics, government,andpublicpolicy,letthempaythepriceofadmissionlikeeverybodyelse.TheCatholic Churchalonecouldwipeoutthenational debtifallyoudidwastaxtheirrealestate.WheneverIseealargecrowdofpeople,Iwonderhowmany ofthemwilleventuallyrequireautopsies.Laptop.Howcanthisbe?Alaphasnotop;ithasonlytwo dimensions,lengthandwidth.Itsnotlikea desk.Adeskhasabottom,atop,andsides;youplaceyourdesktoponthetopofyourdesk.Alap hasonlyoneplane;whenyoustandupyourlapdisappears.Andyourcomputerbecomesafloortop. Everythingbeepsnow. Firsttherewasrocknroll,nowtheresjustrock.Whathappenedtoroll?AndwhatdidSearsdo withRoebuck?AndexactlywhendidMontgomeryleaveMontgomeryWard?Ihaveatheory.Ibelieve thatsomewhereonastagetonightashowwillbeperformedbytheMontgomeryRoebuckRollBand. IthinkthereoughttobeafemininehygienespraycalledSprunt. Thinkofhowstrangewedlookifallthecuts,burns,scrapes,bruises,scratches,bumps,gashes,and scabsweveeverhadsuddenlyreappearedonourbodiesatthesametime.

Regardingjamsessions:jazzmusiciansaretheonlyworkersIcanthinkofwhoarewillingtoputinafull shiftforpayandthengosomewhereelseandcontinueworkingforfree.Whensomeoneasksyouwhat timeitis,glanceatyourwatchandsay,Itseithersixfifteen,orMickeyhasahardon.Guaranteed theyllasksomebodyelse.Whatswiththesesupercautiousdriverswhopullwayovertothefarend ofaspeedbumpsotheircarswonthavetogooverthehighestpoint?Aretheyreallyworriedthat speedbumpshurttheircars?Griddlecakes,pancakes,hotcakes,flapjacks:whyaretherefournamesfor grilledbatterandonlyonewordforlove?Iwouldliketoopenarestaurant,callittheMarilynMonroe Caf,andputhundredsofpicturesofJeffGoldblumonthewall. Inoticethatunlikeonotherholidays,thepolicedontseemtomakeabigdealaboutdrunkdrivingon GoodFriday.YouknowwhatIneverliked?Thehighfive.Iconsideritlamewhiteboyshit.Whenaguy raiseshis armtogivemeahighfive,youknowwhatIdo?Stabhiminthearm.Imtiredofthatshit.SometimesI watchanoldsportsfilmonESPNClassic,andIseeawholegamewithoutasinglehighfive.Itsgreat. Whenyouthinkaboutit,12:15P.M.isactually11:75A.M.Atonetimethereexistedaraceofpeople whoseknowledgeconsistedentirelyofgossip.Acrazypersondoesntreallylosehismind.Itjust becomessomethingmoreentertaining. Insteadofhavingtruckscalesonthehighway,Ithinktheyoughttogetoneofthoseguysfromthe carnivalandlethimguesstheweights. Anartthiefisamanwhotakespictures. YouknowaphraseIneverunderstood?Kingsize.Itsusedtodenotesomethinglarger,butmostofthe kingsyouseeareshort.Youevernoticethat?Usuallyakingisashortlittlefatguy.Youneverseeatall king.Whensthelastganglykingyoucanremember? Ihopetheworldendsduringthedaytime.Iwanttowatchfilmateleven. Everywhereyoulooktherearefamilieswithtoomanyvehicles.Youseethemonthehighwaysintheir RVs.ButapparentlytheRVsarentenough,becausebehindthemtheyretowingmotorboats,go carts,dunebuggies,dirtbikes,jetskis,snowmobiles,parasails,hanggliders,hotairballoons,andsmall, twoman,deepseadivingbells.Theonlythingthesepeoplelackislunarexcursionmodules.Doesnt anybodytakeafuckinwalkanymore?

 Theolderapersongets,thelesstheycarewhattheywear.Oldpeoplecomeupwithsomeofthe strangestclothingcombinationsyoulleversee.Ithinkofitascanceroftheclothing. Werenotsupposedtomentionfuckinginmixedcompany,butthatsexactlywhereittakesplace. TheotherdayIwasthinkingofhowmanypeanutselephantsoweus.Personally,Imdownabout twentythreeortwentyfourbags. Didyoueverstarthittinaguywithabigclubfornoreason?Justwalkuptohimandstartbeatinhim overtheheadwithabig,heavyclub?Itsgreat,isntit? Ifitstruethatourspeciesisaloneintheuniverse,thenIdhavetosaytheuniverseaimedratherlow andsettledforverylittle. INTERVIEWWITHJESUS Interviewer:LadiesandGentlemen,wereprivilegedtohavewithusamanknownaroundtheworldas thePrinceofPeace,JesusChrist. Jesus:Thatsme. I:Howareyou,Jesus? J:Fine,thanks,andletmesayitsgreattobeback. I:Why,afterallthistime,haveyoucomeback?

 J:Mostlynostalgia. I:Canyoutellusalittlebitaboutthefirsttimeyouwerehere? J:Well,theresnotmuchtotell.Ithinkeverybodyknowsthestorybynow.IwasbornonChristmas. Andactually,thatalwaysbotheredme,becauseIonlygotonepresent.Youknow,ifIwasbornacouple ofmonthsearlierIwouldvegottwopresents.Butlook,Imnotcomplaining.Afterall,itsonly materialgoods. I:Theresastorythattherewerethreewisemen. J:Well,therewerethreekingswhoshowedup.Idontknowhowwisetheywere.Theydidntlookvery wise.Theysaidtheyfollowedastar.Thatdontsoundwisetome. I:Didnttheybringgifts? J:Yes.Gold,frankincense,andIbelieve,myrrh,whichIneverdidfindoutwhatthatwas.Youdont happentoknowwhatmyrrhis,doyou? I:Well,Ibelieveitsareddishbrown,bittergumresin. J:Oh,great.JustwhatIneed.WhatamIgonnadowithagumresin?Idratherhavethemoney,that wayIcouldbuysomethingIneed.Youknow,somethingIwouldntnormallybuyformyself. I:Whatwouldthatbe? J:Oh,Idontknow.Abathingsuit.Ineverhadabathingsuit.MaybeaDevohat.Possiblyabicycle.I reallycouldausedabicycle.DoyourealizeallthewalkingIdid?ImustvecrossedCanaansix,eight times.Upanddown,northandsouth,walkingandtalking,doinmiracles,tellinstories.

I:Tellusaboutthemiracles.Howmanymiraclesdidyouperform?J:Well,leavingouttheloavesandthe fishes,atotalof107miracles.I:Whynottheloavesandthefishes?J:Well,technicallythatonewasnta miracle.I:Itwasnt?J:No,itturnsoutalotofpeoplewereputtingthemback.Theywereseveraldays old.Andbesides,not allthosemiracleswerepuremiraclesanyway. I:Whatdoyoumean?Iftheywerentmiracles,whatwerethey? J:Well,someofthemwereparlortricks,opticalillusions,masshypnosis.Sometimespeoplewere hallucinatin.Ievenusedacupressure.ThatshowIcuredmostoftheblindpeople,acupressure. I:SonotalloftheNewTestamentistrue. J:Naaah.Someofthegospelstuffneverhappenedatall.Itwasjustmadeup.LukeandMarkusedalot ofdrugs.Lukewasaphysician,andhehadaccesstodrugs.MatthewandJohnwereokay,butLukeand Markwouldwriteanything. I:WhataboutraisingLazarusfromthedead? J:Firstofall,hewasntdead,hewashungover.Ivetoldpeoplethat.I:ButintheBibleyousaidhewas dead.J:No!Isaidhelookeddead.Isaid,Jeez,Peter,thisguylooksdead!Yousee,Lazaruswasavery heavysleeper,plusthedaybeforewehadbeentoaweddingfeast,andhehadputawayalotofwine. I:Ahhh!WasthattheweddingfeastatCana,whereyouchangedthewaterintowine? J:Idontknow.Wewenttoanawfullotofweddingfeastsinthosedays.I:Butdidyoueverreallyturn waterintowine?J:NotthatIknowof.OnetimeIturnedapplejuiceintomilk,butIdontrecallthe waterandwine.I:Allright,speakingofwater,letmeaskyouaboutanothermiracle.Whataboutwalking on water?Didthatreallyhappen? J:Ohyeah,thatwasonethatreallyhappened.Yousee,theproblemwas,Icoulddoit,andtheother guyscouldnt.Theywerejealous.Petergotsomadatmehehadthesespecialshoesmade,specialbig shoes,thatifyoustartedoutwalkinrealfastyoucouldstayontopofthewaterforawhile.Then,of

course,afterafewyards,baddaboom,downhegoesrightintothewater.Hesinkslikearock.Thats whyIcalledhimPeter.ThouartPeter,anduponthisrockIshallbuildmychurch. I:Well,thatbringsuptheApostles.WhatcanyoutellusabouttheApostles?J:Theysmelledlikebait,but theywereagoodbunchofguys.Thirteenofthemwehad.I:Thirteen?TheBiblesaystherewereonly twelve.J:Well,thatwasaccordingtoLuke.ItoldyouaboutLuke.Actually,wehadthirteen.Wehad Peter, James,John,Andrew,Phillip,Bartholomew,Matthew,Thomas,James,thatsadifferentJames, Thaddeus.Howmanyisthat? I:Thatsten.J:Simon,Judas,andRed.I:Red?J:Yeah,RedtheApostle.I:RedtheApostledoesntappear intheBible.J:Nah,Redkeptprettymuchtohimself.Henevercametoanyoftheweddings.Hewasa littlestrange; hethoughttheRedSeawasnamedafterhim. I:AndwhataboutJudas?J:DontgetmestartedonJudas.Acompletelyunpleasantperson,okay? I:Well,whatabouttheotherApostles,sayforinstance,Thomas,washereallyadoubter? J:Believeme,thisguyThomas,youcouldnttellhimnothin.HewasalwaysaskingmeforID.SoonasI wouldseehim,hewouldgo,YougotanyID?TothisdayhedoesntbelieveImGod. I:AndareyouGod?J:Well,partly.ImamemberoftheTrinity.I:Yes.Infact,yourewritingabook abouttheTrinity.J:Thatsright,itscalledThreesaCrowd.I:AsIunderstandit,itsnothingmore thanathinlyveiledattackontheHolyGhost.J:Listen,itsnotanattack,okay?IthappensIdontget alongwiththeHolyGhost.SoIleavehim alone.Thatsit.Whathedoesishisbusiness. I:Whatsthereason? J:Well,firstofall,hesawiseguy.Everytimeheshowsup,heappearsassomethindifferent.Oneday hesadove,anotherdayhesatongueoffire.Alwaysfoolinaround.Idontbotherwiththeguy.I dontwannaknowabouthim,Idontwannaseehim,Idontwannatalktohim. I:Well,letmechangethesubject.Istherereallyaplacecalledhell?

J:Ohyeah,theresahell,allright.Theresalsoaheck.Itsnotassevereashell,butwevegotaheck andahell. I:Whataboutpurgatory?J:No,Idontknowaboutnopurgatory.Wegotheaven,hell,heck,andlimbo. I:Whatislimbolike? J:Idontknow.Nooneisallowedin.Ifanyonewasinthereitwouldntbelimbo,itwouldjustbe anotherplace. I:Gettingbacktoyourpreviousvisit,whatcanyoutellusabouttheLastSupper? J:Well,firstofall,ifIdaknownIwasgonnabecrucified,Iwouldahadabiggermeal.Youneverwantto becrucifiedonanemptystomach.Asitwas,Ihadalittlesaladandsomeveal. I:Thecrucifixionmusthavebeenterrible. J:Ohyeah,itwasawful.Unlessyouwentthroughityourself,youcouldneverknowhowpainfulitwas. Andtiring.Itwasvery,verytiring.ButIthinkmorethananythingelse,itwasembarrassing.Youknow,in frontofallthosepeople,tobecrucifiedlikethat.But,Iguessitredeemedalotofpeople.Ihopeso.It wouldbeashametodoitfornoreason. I:Wereyouscared? J:Ohyeah.Iwasafraiditwasgonnarain;IthoughtforsureIwouldgethitbylightning.Onegoodthing, though,whileIwasupthereIhadareallygoodview;Icouldactuallyseemyhouse.Theresalwaysa brightside. I:Andthenthreedayslateryourosefromthedead. J:Howsthat?

I:OnEasterSunday.Yourosefromthedead,didntyou? J:NotthatIknowof.IthinkIwouldremembersomethinglikethat.Idoremembersleepingalongtime afterthecrucifixion.LikeIsaid,itwasverytiring.IthinkwhatmightahappenedwasIpassedout,and theythoughtIwasdead.Wedidnthavesuchgoodmedicalpeopleinthosedays.Itwasmostly volunteers. I:And,accordingtotheBible,fortydayslateryouascendedintoheaven. J:Pulleys!Ropes,pulleys,andaharness.IthinkitwasSimoncameupwithagreatharnessthingthat wentundermytoga.Youcouldntseeitatall.Sincethatday,IbeeninHeaven,and,allinall,Iwould havetosaythatwhileIwasdownhereIhadareallygoodtime.Exceptforthesuffering. I:AndwhatdoyouthinkaboutChristianitytoday? J:Well,Imalittleembarrassedbyit.Iwishtheywouldtakemynameoffit.IfIhadthewholethingto doover,IwouldprobablystartoneofthoseEasternreligionslikeBuddha.Buddhawassmart.Thats howcomeheslaughing. I:YouwouldntwanttobeaChristian? J:No,Iwouldntwanttobeamemberofanygroupwhosesymbolisamannailedontosomewood. Especiallyifitsme.Buddhaslaughing,meanwhileImonthecross. I:Ihaveafewmorequestions,doyoumind?J:Hey,bemyguest,howoftendoIgethere?I:Arethere reallyangels?J:Well,notasmanyasweusedtohave.Yearsagowehadmillionsofthem.Todayyou cantgetthe youngpeopletojoin.Itgottoodangerouswithalltheradarandheatseekingmissiles. I:Whataboutguardianangels?Aretheresuchthings?

J:Yes,westillhaveguardianangels,butnow,withthepopulationexplosion,itsoneangelforeverysix people.Yearsagoeverybodyhadhisownangel. I:Doyoureallyanswerprayers? J:No.Firstofall,whatwithsunspotsandradiointerference,alotofthemdontevengetthrough.And betweenyouandme,wejustdonthavethestafftohandletheworkloadanymore.Intheolddayswe tookprideinansweringeverysingleprayer,butlikeIsaid,therewerelesspeople.Andinthosedays peopleprayedforsomethingsimple,tolightafire,tocatchayak,somethinglikethat.Buttodayyougot peopleprayingforhockeyteams,forlongerfingernails,toloseweight.Wejustcantkeepup. I:Well,Ithinkwereaboutoutoftime.Icertainlywanttothankyouforvisitingwithus. J:Hey,nosweat. I:Doyouhaveanywordsofadvice? J:Youmeanlikehowtoremovechewinggumfromasuedegarment?Somethinglikethat? I:No,Imeanspiritualadvice. J:Well,Idontknowhowspiritualitis,butIdsayonethingisdontgiveyourmoneytothechurch. Theyshouldbegivingtheirmoneytoyou. I:Well,thankyou,Jesus,andgoodnight. J:Well,goodnight,thanksforhavingmeonheretoday.Andbytheway,incaseanyoneisinterested, bellbottomswillbecomingbackintheyear2015.Ciao.

 IWISHIHADMYMONEYBACK Doyoueverwonderwhoemptiesthewishingwells?Thatsourmoney.Iveneverreceivedan accounting.Itsjustgone.Someone,apparently,isemptyingthewishingwellsandkeepingthemoney. AndImwonderingwhetherornotthatcancelsoutthewishes.Supposeitsawishthattakestimeto cometrue.Likeifyouwishsomefriendofyourswoulddevelopcancer.Thattakestime.Howcanit cometrueifyournickelhasalreadybeenrolledinawrapperanddepositedinabank? Andwhendoesthiscoinretrievaltakeplace?ImsuretheydontdoitonSundayafternoonassome littlegirlistossinginapenny,wishingforherdaddytocomebackfromheaven.No,theyprobablydoit atthreeinthemorning,wearingblackTshirtsandskimasks.Ithinkthishasgonefarenough.Iwantto knowwhatsgoingon.Myfriendisstillperfectlyhealthy,andImconcerned. PunkBandsIHaveKnown TowerofSwine RoominMyShorts MaryKrenwinklesRevengeSphincterHoedownBasketofFireTreesforLunchGlandularImbalanceA FineWaytoDieLetsPullOurEyesOutSewerTransactionCosmicGroinPullPuddingDiseaseARare TwinkieRubberThoughtsVaginalSpottingTheNoteFuckersPukeAllNightAnalLaceGorillaTits HarmonySucksWarts,WafflesandWalterMessKitGermColonyHideousInfantClotsontheMove SystematicRejectionTheStillbornHouseholdPestBreachofthePeaceThanklessChildPersistentRain DaysofDoubt SackofShit

HoleinMyScrotum Ed,FormerlyDon CocaineSnotGroove HildaFucks WaitressSweat InfectedMole ThisBandNeedsPractice ACATISNOTADOG Mostpeopleunderstandthatcatsarecompletelydifferentfromdogs,andgenerallytheylikethemfor differentreasons.Onequalitypeoplelikeincatsistheirindependence;theyappreciateapetwhocan takecareofhimself.Ineverhavetodoathing.Hecleanshisroom,makeshisownclothing,anddrives himselftowork. Unlikedogs,whoareneedyanddependent,andwholikeyoumerelybecauseyouknowwherethefood islocated,catsdontgetallhunguponfakeaffection.Theydontgonutsandslobberalloveryou whenyoucomehome,thewayadogdoes.Theyparceloutacertainlimitedamountofphysical affectionfromtimetotime,butitprobablyhasmoretodowithstaticelectricitythananythingelse. NotMe!

CatshaveanotherqualityIfindadmirable:blamelessness.Whenacatmakesamistake,hedoesnt acceptresponsibilityorshowembarrassment.Ifhedoessomethingreallystupid,likejumpingontoa tableandlandinginfourseparatecoffeecups,somehowhepassesthewholethingoffasroutine.Dogs arentlikethat.Ifadogknocksoveralamp,youcantellwhodiditbylookingatthedog;heactsguilty andashamed.Notthecat.Whenacatbreakssomething,hesimplymovesalongtothenextactivity. Whatsthat?Thelamp?Notme!Fuckthat,Imacat!Somethingbroken?Askthedog. IMeantThat! Acatcanmakeanymistakeappearintentional.Haveyoueverseenacatraceacrossaroomandcrash intoaglassdoor?Itdoesntfazehimatall. WHIZZZ!SPLAT!! Imeantthat!Iactuallymeantthat.ThatsexactlywhatIwastryingtodo. Thenhelimpsbehindthecouch,holdinghishead: Oh,Jesus!Fuckinmeooow!Goddamnfuckinmeooooooow! Yourcatismuchtooproudtoletyouseehimsuffer.Butifyoulookbehindthecouch,youllseehim recuperatingfromadomesticmishap. Hi.Triedtojumpfromthesofatothewindow.Didntmakeit.Torealigament.Gotmilk? RubMeTender Catsareverytactile;theylovetorubagainstyourleg.Ifyouownacat,andyouhavealeg,youvegot ahappycat. Ohboy,ohboy!Imrubbingagainsthisleg!HowIlovehisleg! Ifyouhavetwolegs,youvegotyourselfaparty. Ohboy,ohboy,twolegs!NowIcandothefigureeight. Theylovetodothefigureeight:aroundoneleg,inbetween,andthenaroundtheother.

Ohboy,ohboy.Imdoingthefigureeight. Hellrubagainstyourlegsevenifyourenotthereyet.Youmightbetwentyfeetdownthehall.As soon asheseesyoucominghestartswalkingsideways.Hedoesntwanttomissashotatyourlegs. Ohboy,ohboy!Herehecomes!SoonIllbedoingthefigureeight. HisAssIsYours Catsaresotactileyoudontevenhavetodothepetting.Allyouneedistoputyourhandsomewhere nearhim,andhellleanintoyouanddoallthework.Theylovetopushback.Thentherestheass trick.Didyoueverstrokeacatwhoslyingabsolutelyflat,andbeforeyouverunyourhandhalfway downhisback,hisassisstickingwayupintheair?Asifyoupressedanassbutton orsomething?Isntheacutelittle...holyshit!Howdidhedothat?Orsometimesifhesonthe bedwithyouhellclimbontoyourchestandstickhisassrightinyourface:Hey,heresmyass! Checkmyass,Daddy!Getanice,cleanlookatmyass!Andthenwhilehesshowingyouhisass,he startsthatkneadingthingwithhispaws;likehesplayinthe piano.God,Ihatethat.Gethimoffame!Jesus,Ihatethat!Idontevenknowwhatitis,andIhate that.Itsasifhegotholdof somebaddrugs.Whatisthat?Itsaninstinctivenursingbehavior,honey.Hemisseshismommy. Youalwayssaythat.Yousaidthataboutthemailman. DOGMOMENTS#1 FidoDoesntCareDogshavenoprioritiesorschedules.Yourarelyseeadogwithawristwatch.Most thingstheydothey willdoanywhere,atanytime.Exceptforthethingsyouteachthemnottodo:Laszlo!Donteverdo thatagain.IfyoudoIllbeattheshitoutofyou!Theydocatchontosuggestionslikethat.But basically,adogdoesntcarewhathedoes.Hellsimplydowhateversnext.Hedoesntreallyknow whatsnext,buthellthinkofsomething.Hemightevendotwothingsinarowthatdontgo together.Didyeverseeadogtrottingthrougharoom,apparentlyheadedsomewhere,andsuddenly hestopsandchewshisbackforabouteightminutes?Asifthewholethingwerescheduledforthat exactmoment?Andthenfinally,whenhesfinishedchewing,heforgetswherehewasgoinginthefirst placeandjustsortoflooksaround,confused.Letssee,wherewasIgoin?Shit,Iforget.Seemed importantatthetime.Well,IguessIlljustlie

downhereunderthischair.Hey,itsniceunderhere.Imustdothismoreoften.Hedoesntknow, andhedoesntcare.ALittleLightBuffetLikeIsay,helldoanythingatanytime.Hemighteven embarrassyouwhenyouhavecompany.Youmighthavesomefolksovertothehouse;folksyoudont knowthatwell;peopleyouretryinto impress.Hell,youmightevenbetryintoborrowmoneyfromoneoftheseassholes.Andallthese peoplearesittinaroundthelivingroom,andyouveputoutsomechipsandalittledip, carrotsticks,maybealittlelightbuffet,andeverybodyiseatingnicelyandchattingpolitely,andthedog is lyingthereonthefloor,infullview. Andsuddenly,youglanceover,andrealizethatthedog...islicking...hisballs!Vigorously!Big,long, lovinglicks,infullviewofeveryone.Andnooneissayingaword.Remembernow,aspectacularthingis takingplace:anaked,livingcreatureisadministeringamodified formofautofellatiointhepresenceofstrangers.Notonlyisitaspectacularact,itsdifficulttodo.IfI coulddothatIdneverleavethehouse. Andyetitgoesunremarked.Andifsomeonedoessaysomething,itsusuallyinnocuous. Look.Isnthecute?Hestakingabath. No,Carla,thatsnotabath.Thatscalledlickingyourballs.Ifthatsabath,Idhavetosayitsa mightyselectiveone.Hesbeenonthatonespotforoveranhournow. Thenthedogtrotsoverandstartstolickyourface. No,no!No,Bruno!Down!Down,Bruno!Nicedoggie! Oh,dontworryaboutit.Dontyouknowtheyhavethecleanestmouthofanyanimal? Well,Imnotachemist,Velma.Imjustbasingmyjudgmentonhismostrecentactivity,which youll recallwaslickinghisballs. SHORTTAKES Heresawordyoudontseeanymore:foodstuffs.Iwishitwouldmakeacomeback.Supposeyoutook anoathbyplacingyourrighthandontheBibleandraisingyourleft?Wouldtheoath stillcount?DoesGodreallygiveashit?Doesanyone?

LetsgivecreditwhereitsdueandadmitthatScotchtapewasareallygreatidea. HeresafunthingtodoonaSaturdayafternoon.AsyouwatchthefootballscoresonTV,tryto visualizeeachcollegescampus.Thenpictureyourselffuckingsomeoneonthelawninfrontofthe AdministrationBuilding. Youliveeightyyears,andatbestyougetaboutsixminutesofpuremagic. AmericawouldbebetteroffifwetookallthesemaleCitadelandVMIstudentsandsimplycastrated them.Whatkindofpigjackoffsgototheseplacesinthefirstplace?Isaycutofftheirnuts. IthinktheblacksinSouthAfricashouldjustgoaheadandkillallthewhitesandbedonewithit. Problemsolved. Rememberingexactlywhereyouwerewhensomefamouspersondiedisameaninglessexercise.Its an attemptbyordinarypeopletoconnecttheirdulllivestoimportantevents.Cantwediscouragethis practice? ThereareeleventeamsintheBigTen. Thegrayhaireddouchebag,BarbaraBush,hasaslogan:Encourageyourchildtoreadevery day.Whatsheshouldbedoingisencouragingchildrentoquestionwhattheyreadeveryday.Rivera Liveissuchagoodshow.IfonlyRiverawerentonit.Sometimeswhenyoureburyingaguyalive, foramomentortwoyoustartfeelingsorryforhim.And thenitpasses,andyoukeeponshovelling. IhaveafriendwholovestorunthroughDerWeinerschnitzelyelling,Bonappetito! IthinkeveryoneshouldtreatoneanotherinaChristianmanner.Iwillnothoweverberesponsiblefor theconsequences.

IwonderifanElvisimpersonatorcouldevergetfamousenoughsothatsomeonewholookedlikehim couldbecomeacelebritylookalike.IsthereroominthiscultureforanElvisimpersonatorlookalike? Probably. Oneobjectiontocloninghumanbeingsisthattheresachanceforabnormaloffspring.Yeah?So?You evertakealookatsomeofthosefamiliesintheSouth? Whydotheybothersayingrawsewage?Dosomepeopleactuallycookthatstuff? IthinkpimpsshouldhaveanEmployeeoftheMonththewayotherbusinessesdo.Itwouldbegoodfor morale.AndIllbetblowjobswouldimprove,too. Yourarelyrunintoadamselanymore. WheneverIhearsomeonereferredtoasaspiritualleader,Iwonderwhythespiritworldneedsleaders. Heresmorebullshitmiddlebrowphilosophy:Thatwhichdoesntkillmemakesmestronger.Ive gotsomethingalittlemorerealistic:Thatwhichdoesntkillmestillmaysevermyspinalcord,crush myribcage,caveinmyskull,andleavemehelplessandparalyzed,soakinginapuddleofmyown waste.PutthatonyourTshirt,touchyfeely,NewAgeasshole! Thesedaysmanypoliticiansaredemandingchange.Justlikehomelesspeople. Ithinkhighwaysshouldhaveabeerlane. Liveandletlive,thatswhatIsay.Anyonewhocantunderstandthatshouldbekilled.Itsasimple philosophy,butitsalwaysworkedwellinourfamily.

Isntittimewestoppedwastingvaluablelandoncemeteries?Talkaboutanideawhosetimehas passed:Letsputallthedeadpeopleinboxesandkeeptheminonepartoftown.Whatkindof medievalbullshitisthat?Isay,plowthesemotherfuckersupandthrowthemaway.Ormeltthemdown. Weneedthatphosphorousforfarming.Ifweregoingtorecycle,letsgetserious. TrueStuff:BecauseofallthelawsuitsagainstgoodSamaritanswhoseeffortsendbadly,fewerpeople arewillingtostopandlendassistanceatthesceneofanaccident.Asaresult,expertsarewondering whetherornotweneedlawscompellingustohelpeachother. JoanRiversturnedintooneofthepeoplesheusedtomakefunof. Imthinkingofbuyingachurchandchangingitaround;maybesellingcrackandhavingafewwhoresin thepews. Heresalittlecarfun.Ifsomeoneisdrivingalongsideyouintherighthandlane,actconcernedand wavethemtowardthesideoftheroad,yelling,Pullover!Pullover!Pullover!Whentheyfinallypull over,justkeepgoing.Letemsitthereandthinkitoverforawhile.Itscertainlynoneofyour concern.Infact,youdontwanttohaveanythingtodowithapersonlikethat. SomethingIreallydontlikeisclaymation;thatstopactionanimationjunk.Whydonttheycanthat shit?Itsfakelooking,anditdetractsfromthestory. DOGMOMENTS#2 CanineStandardTime Adogdoesntunderstandtime.Likeayoungchild,hedoesntknowthedifferencebetweeneight oclockandaweekagoTuesday.Theonlyperiodoftimeadogunderstandsisforever.Andthatshow longhethinkseverythingisgonnalast.

Yeverscratchyourdogbehindtheears?Theyreallylovethat,dontthey? Ohboy,ohboy!Ohboy,ohboy,ohboy!!Daddysscratchinmebehindtheears!Myfavoritething. Ohboy,ohboy!Thisisgreat! Andyourescratchinandscratchin,andheslovinit,andlookinupatyouadoringly,hiseyes rollinbackinhishead,andthensuddenlyyoustop.Andhelooksatyoulikeyouresomekindof diseasedcriminalpervert.Hesdisappointed.Hethoughtthescratchinwasgonnalastforever. Hecanthelpithejustdoesntknowwhattimeitis. HomeAlone Itsespeciallybadwhenyougooutandleavehimalone.Hethinksyourenevercomingback.Never. Thatmustbewhathethinks,orelsewhywouldheactthewayhedoeswhenyoufinallygethome?All hyperandexcitedandrevveduplikehejustateapoundandahalfofmethamphetamine: Ohboyohboyohboyohboyohboy!! IthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehomeIthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehomeIthoughtyouwerenever gonnacomehome!Iwassoscared.Iwassolonely.Scaredandlonely.Ididntknowwhattodo.Iwas allalone.IthoughtIwouldnevereatagain.Idontknowhowtopreparefood.Imadog.Icant cook.Icantdoanything.Idontevenknowhowtooperateacanopener.Howdoyadothat?What doyoudo,pushdownthelittlehandle?Couldntfigureitout.Gimmesomefood.Gimmeakiss.Shake hands.Heresmypaw.Youwantmetorollover?Illdoit.Justdontleaveme!Dontgo!Dontgo! Iswear,Illneverpeeinthehouseagain!Illneverpeeanywhereagain!Justdontleavemealone! Anditdoesntmatterhowlongyouvebeengone.Theygointothisspeedfreakmodeevenifallyou didwasforgetyourhatandcomebackafewsecondslater.

Ohboyohboyohboy!Ithoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehome!Etcetera,etcetera.Isthathowya saythat?Etcetera?Anyway,Igothungry.Again.Theminuteyouleft.Iwasgonnaeatthecat.I couldntfindhim.Wherethefucksthecat?Whatdidyado,hidethecat? Lester,willyoustopit?Calmdown!Iwasjusthereafewsecondsago! Theyreallymissyou.Andtheyhavenoideawhattimeitis. SOMELIKEITHOT Thinkforamomentaboutflamethrowers.Thefactthatwehavethematall.Well,actuallywedont havethem,thearmyhasthem.Youknow,Ihadntthoughtofthat;thearmyhasalltheflamethrowers. Idsaywerejollywellfuckedifwehavetogoupagainstthearmy,wouldntyou? Mypointisthatthereareevensuchthingsasflamethrowersinthefirstplace.Whatitindicatestomeis thatatsomepoint,someperson,Philperhaps,saidtohimself,Lookatallthosepeopleacrossthe road.WhatIwouldntgivetosetthemonfire.ButImmuchtoofaraway.IfonlyIhadsomedevice thatwouldshootflamesonthem. Well,thewholethingmightveendedrightthere,butPhilhappenedtomentionittohisfriend, Dwyane,oneofthosepeoplewhosgoodwithtools.Aboutamonthlater,Dwaynewasback. Phil,thatideaofyours?Quiteaconcept.Watch! WHOOOOOOSH!WHOOOOOOMPH!CRACKLE!BURN! Beforelong,thearmycamearound.Hiboys.Wewanttobuy500,000ofthoseflamethrowers.We havealonglistofpeoplewedliketosetonfire.Giveus500,000andhavethemcamouflaged.We dontwantanyoneseeingthemuntiltheyrefullyconsumedbyflames.

PhilandDwaynemadelotsofmoneyanddiedinafireworksaccidentonthe4thofJuly. MAYBETHEYLLADOPT ConcerningnewscoverageattheNationalZoo:Doyoucareifthepandasfuck?Idont.Whydont theystoptellingusthepandasdidntfuckagainthisyear?Imnotconcerned.Ihavenoemotional stakeinpandafucking.Iftheywanttotheywill,ifnot,theyllwatchThePriceIsRight. Probablytheonlyreasonthepandasarentfuckingonscheduleisbecausesomeenvironmentaljackoff hasmovedintothecagewiththem.CouldyougetahardonifsomeloserinagreenTshirtwastaking yourgirlfriendsrectaltemperature?Leavethesecreaturesalone.AndpleaseGod,savetheplanet fromenvironmentalists. THEMISCELLANEOUSAILMENTSFOUNDATION Noteveryhumanailmenthasatelethontohelpraisemoney.ThisspaceisdonatedtotheMiscellaneous AilmentsFoundation.Ifyouoralovedonesufferfromanyofthefollowingconditions,openyourheart, digdeep,andgivewhatyoucan.Andplease,nosmalldonations.Trytogivemorethanyoucanafford. ITCH?TWITCH?WELTS?WARTS?PIMPLES?NITS?SCABS?SCARS?SORES?BOILS?RASH?GASH? HIVES?CYSTS?CRAMPS?POLYPS?BLISTERS?BLOTCHES?BUNIONS?BEDSORES?ROPEBURNS? PAPERCUTS?COCKEYE?BLACKHEADS?WHITEHEADS?GAGEASILY?SWOLLENGLANDS?EYESTRAIN? NAUSEA?PILES?GAS?CRABS?PEGLEG?ABSCESSEDTOOTH?PENICILLINREACTION?PALENESS? NICKS&CUTS?BRITTLENAILS?WOOZINESS?HOMESICKNESS?FALLDOWNALOT?SICK&TIRED? JUSTDONTFEELGOOD?CHILLS&FEVER?FEVER&CHILLS?CHILLSWITHOUTFEVER?FEVER WITHOUTCHILLS?SMALLPOX?MEDIUMPOX?LARGEPOX?XLARGEPOX?CHICKENPOX?TUNA POX?ROASTBEEFPOX?WHOOPINGCOUGH?WHOOPINGSNEEZE?WHOOPINGGIGGLE?WHEEZING ?SNEEZING?FREEZING?MUMPS?BUMPS?LUMPS?BADEYES?BADFEET?BADBLOOD?BAD BREATH?BADBACK?BADATTITUDE?POORPOSTURE?COWARDICE?TRENCHMOUTH?PUFFYSKIN ?COMPLETEPARALYSIS?ENLARGEDPORES?OUTOFBREATH?ARMHURTS?BADJUDGMENT?DUMB LOOK?OUTOFSORTS?BRUISEEASILY?WINDKNOCKEDOUTOFYOU?SEEINTHINGS?THEBLAHS? THEHOTS?THERUNS?THECREEPS?THEWILLIES?THESHITS?THEVAPORS?THEBENDS?THE HEEBIEJEEBIES?SHOCK?TREMOR?RELAPSE?BOTULISM?LEPROSY?GANGOSA?CANCEROFTHE FIST?JUNGLEROT?THECREEPINCRUD?THE48YEARCREEPINJESUS?MANGE?GRUNGE?SORE TITS?JETLAG?ROOTCANAL?FACIALTICS?POORBALANCE?LOCKJAW?CHARLEYHORSE?

EUPHORIA?PRICKLYHEAT?PEELING?MISCARRIAGE?CROWSFEET?CROWSLEGS?SLOPPY DICTION?OVERBITE?UNDERBITE?SIDEEFFECTS?DOUBLELIMP?SCABBYKNEE?TONEDEAFNESS? LOUDHEART?POSTNASALDRIP?PRENASALDRIP?JAMMEDTHUMB?COMA?KNOCKKNEES? STRETCHMARKS?FATLIP?BLACKEYE?BUMLEG?OVERSIZEBIRTHMARK?STRAWBERRY?SPRING FEVER?FORGETFULNESS?SQUINTING?SURGICALBLUNDER?FACIALHAIR?PLAGUE?ADHESIONS? SUNSTROKE?BADGENES?SCRAWNINESS?CROSSEDNOSTRILS?CALLUSES?PREMATURE EJACULATION?STARVATION?SEEINGSTARS?NERVOUSBREAKDOWN CORNS?ORGANREJECTION?SWELLING?BLOODYNOSE?CATATONIA?BAGSUNDERTHEEYES? FRECKLELOSS?NOURINE?BIGEARS?BADCOLD?FREDDIESDISEASE?NOTORSO?SUICIDE?HEN TOOTH?NATURALCAUSES?CHRONICPUSSYFARTS?ONDINESCURSE?PULLEDGROINMUSCLE? CHAFING?COLDSORES?SPLITLIP?ACHES&PAINS?TRICKKNEE?TRICKNOSE?TRICKDICK? SLEEPINGSICKNESS?LOBOTOMY?NIGHTMARES?PIGEONTOES?DOUBLECHIN?SHYNESS? WINDBURN?CHRONICLETHARGY?HOTFLASHES?DOUBLEVISION?CANCEROFTHEJOWLS? CLUBFOOT?EXCESSEARWAX?SUFFOCATION?REALLYGROSSSKIN FALLINGNOSEHAIRS?INFECTEDTATTOOS?GUNSHOTWOUNDS?ELASTICPOISONING? UNPROVOKEDWEEPING?DISLOCATEDCROTCH?COMPLETEHAIRLESSNESS?NINEMILEFEVER? MIGRATINGBEAUTYMARK?UNDESCENDEDTESTICLE?CHICKENBREASTEDNESS?BOTCHED CIRCUMCISION?GHOSTLIMBS?INDUSTRIALDEAFNESS?HAMMERTOE?DOUBLERECTUM?FALLEN WOMB?INVERTEDNIPPLES?OUTOFCONTROLMOLES?TRANSIENTSLURREDSPEECH?WATERON THEPROFILE?SALINEDEPLETION?GENDERAGONY?NEGATIVEBUOYANCY?CURVATUREOFTHE MIND?INFECTEDDIMPLE?BURNEDATTHESTAKE?BUBONICPLAGUE?BLACKDEATH?MORNING SICKNESS?SUBDURALHEMATOMA?GRANDMALSEIZURE?SPASTICBLADDER?BRAINTUMOR? NIPPLESEEP?DRYTEETH?SIXFOOTNOSEHAIRS?PASSEDBALLS?MIDNASALDRIP?CHAPPEDASS? SPEARWOUNDS?TONSILLITIS?CLAP?CRUCIFIXION?TOTALBODYDIMPLING?FEAROFCLOTHING? SINGLENOSTRIL?HORSESERUMSENSITIVITY? COKEBOTTLEINTHEASS?HENWORKERSLUNG?SEXTUPLEAMPUTEEISM?HEREDITYFRUCTOSE INTOLERANCE?MORTONSFOOT?HUTCHINSONSFRECKLE?ORIENTALNIGHTMAREDEATH SYNDROME?RUMFITS?LIDOCAINEPOISONING?IRREGULARGAIT?GENITALMEASLES?SPRAINED MIND?ICHTHYOSIS?LACKOFHUSTLE?HYPERDYDROSIS?FROTHINGATTHECROTCH?ALZHEIMERS DISEASE?WETBRAIN?PRESENILITYDEMENTIA?LAETRILEOVERDOSE?MUNCHAUSENSSYNDROME ?PAVEMENTBURN?NASALHERPES?CLUSTERHEADACHES?HUNCHBACK?VAGINALCLOSURE? CANCEROFTHEBRIDGEOFTHENOSE?CIRCUMCISIONBLUNDER?SEVEREUNREMITTINGPAIN? COMPLETENERVOUSCOLLAPSE?SIXTYYEARCOMA?RIGORMORTIS?DECAPITATION?SWIMMERS ITCH?BEEFTAPEWORM?SHORTLIMBEDDWARFISM?TICKBORNERICKETS?KOPLIKSSPOTS? IMPETIGO?GASGANGRENE?TRANSVERSEMYELITIS?MALNUTRITION?IRRITABILITY? NONPRODUCTIVECOUGH?SIMPLEMALAISE?EPIDEMICKERATOCONJUNCTIVITIS?FURIOUSRABIES? BLACKVOMIT?DANDYFEVER?EUROPEANTYPHUS?BRILLZINSSERDISEASE?CATSCRATCHDISEASE? STITCHABSCESSES?STRAWBERRYTONGUE?PASTIASLINES?AFRICANSLEEPINGSICKNESS? WOOLSORTERSDISEASE?CAULIFLOWEREAR?ZUCCHININOSE?PARACOCCIDIOIDOMYCOSIS? DESERTRHEUMATISM?LUMPYJAW?MADURAFOOT?HOOKWORM?ORIENTALSORE?ALEPPOBOIL

?FORESTYAWS?SWIMMINGPOOLGRANULOMA?CARDIACDEATH?WHIPWORMINFECTION? GEOPHAGIA?RIVERBLINDNESS?TOTALCOLLAPSE?JEWELRYRASH?TERMINALBROWSING? MAIDENLYHYSTERICS?MARROWFAILURE?PICA?RIBOFLAVINDEFICIENCY?MEDITERRANEAN ANEMIA?AIREMBOLISM?VASCULARFRAGILITY?DRUGINDUCEDPLATELETDEFECTS?FELTYS SYNDROME?BOWELINFARCTION?TETRALOGYOFFALLOT?BUNDLEBRANCHBLOCK?SUDDEN MEGACOLON?RAYNAUDSPHENOMENON?YOUNGORIENTALFEMALEDISEASE?INTESTINAL APOPLEXY?OCCLUSIONATTHEBIFURCATION?MILKLEG?HOMANSSIGN?CONSTANTSCREAMING ?TOTALBODYHEMORRHAGING?MISSINGLUNGS?EXTRASTOMACH?LARVAEINTHESTOOL?BEBOP LEGS?FOREHEADTRANSPLANT?TUMORONTHEBUNS?HUGESPLEEN?CHRONICFALLING?CYSTS ONTHEWRISTS?SUDDENTOTALWEIGHTLOSS? Givenow.Somewhere,someonefeelscrappy.Youcanhelp. GOTANYMORELEAVESINTHATSTALL? RecentlyIcameacrossastatisticpublishedbythePopulationReferenceBureauinWashington.Itstated thatasof1995thenumberofpeoplewhohadlivedonearthwas105,472,380,169.Thefigurewas basedontheassumptionthatthefirsttwopeoplehademergedin50,000B.C.SoIdidalittle arithmeticofmyown,andIveconcludedthatasof1995therehadbeenover987trillionbowel movements.Iwasveryconservative:Iassumedamerethirtyyearlifespanandonlysixbowel movementsperweek.Still,itmeansthatatthispointtherehavebeenalmost1quadrillionhuman bowelmovementsandmostofthemoccurredbeforepeoplehadanythingtoread.Thesearethekinds ofthoughtsthatkeptmefrommovingquicklyupthecorporateladder. DEATHROW Thestoryisthatifyourecondemnedtodeaththeyhavetogiveyouonelastmealofyourchoice. Whatisthatallabout?Agroupofpeopleplanstokillyou,sotheywantyoutoeatsomethingyoulike? Isitajoke?Dotheythinkthefoodpartwilltakeyourmindoffthedyingpart?Ordotheyjustpreferto killyouwhenyourecomingoffapeakexperienceandfullofpositiveenergy? Imnotsurewhatkindofsickgameisgoingon,butwhatthehell,youmightaswellplayalong.Havea littlefun;orderaHappyMeal.TellemyouwanttogotoHootersandeatonthepatio.

Informthemyouveconvertedtoareligionthatembracescannibalism,andyoudliketoeatababy. Withasmallsalad.Ijustthinktheresgreatpotentialhereforfunandmischief.Infact,Imthinking thatifyouworkeditjustrightyoumightevensqueezealittleextratimeoutofthem.Timetofilea coupleofhundredmorefrivolousappeals. Because,asIunderstandit,theyhavetogiveyouanymealyouaskfor.Notincludingelephant,of course.Youcantexpectthemtostartonawholenewelephantforjustonemeal.Butshortofthat, theyhavetogiveyouprettymuchwhatyouwant.Itspartofthehumanityinvolved:Letskillthis fuck,butletsbecivil. SoIsayhavealittlefun;buysometime.Whentheyaskwhatyouwant,tellthemyoucantdecide. Thatsallthereistoit.Youcantdecide. Gee,Idontknow.ImnotsureifIwantsteakorlobster.Imean,Ireallylovethemboth.Ihavent hadlobsterinquiteawhile,butontheotherhand,Ireallylovechicken.Itsmygoodluckfood.And theyrebothrichinprotein.Ijustcantfigureitout. Whatcantheydo?Cantheykillyouunderthosecircumstances?Cantheygoaheadandkillyouifyou honestlydontknowwhatyouwantfordinner?Tellthemyourewillingtotakealiedetectortestand truthserum,butyouhonestlycantdecide.Cantheykillyou?Cantheydragyoudownthelastmile screaming,Surf?Turf?Imonthehornsofadilemma!Ithinktheydhavetogiveyoualittlemore time. Imagineifyoukeptitupforsixmonths.Thinkoftheheadlines. CONDEMNEDMANSTILLALIVE,CANTDECIDE.LEANSTOWARDLOBSTER. Threeyearsgoby.Five.Seven.Andthen,finally,onemorningyouwakeup,anditsclearasabell: Allright,Ivedecided.AndIdontknowwhyIdidntthinkofthislongago.Imgoingtohavethe lambchops.

 Allright,lambchopsitis.Andhowdidyouwantthemcooked? Geez,Ihadntthoughtofthat.Lemmesee.HowdoIwantthemcooked?Listen,guys,canIgetback toyou? HUNGRYMANEXECUTED.DRAGGEDDOWNLASTMILESCREAMINGMEDIUM! CURRENTEVENTS Heresagreatidea.IthinkTexasshouldsaveup500condemnedpeopleandexecutethemallatonce, inelectricchairs.Fivehundredelectricchairsinabiggymnasium.Wouldntthatbefun?IrealizeTexas preferslethalinjection,butmaybetheycouldmakeanexceptionjustthisonce.Orhowaboutexecuting peoplefiveatatimeonelectriccouches.Thatwouldbeinteresting.Putacoffeetableinfrontofthem withmagazinesandsomechipsanddip.Itwouldbefun.Heresanothergoodidea.Ifamarriedcouple killstheirkid,theyshouldbeexecutedinanelectricloveseat.Forcethemtohugasyoupulltheswitch. THEUNKINDESTCUT Idontknowaboutyou,butIthinkO.J.gotscrewed.Doublejeopardyisjustplainwrong.Civiltrial,my ass!Itsnotfair.O.J.beatthesystemandheshouldbeallowedtoenjoyit.GeraldoandCharlesGrodin dontlikeO.J.Simpson.GeraldoandCharlesGrodindealincertitude.Guyslikethatalmostalways impressme. ImreallygladO.J.beattherap.Personally,IdliketoseehimonTVagain,doincommercials.There mustbesomethinghecoulddo.RoachMotel.Theychecksin,buttheydontchecksout.Itwould befun.Weneedmorefun.Peoplegetupsetwithallthewrongthings. LiketheseguysJeffreyDahmerandTimothyMcVeigh.Rightawayeverybodywantstokillthem.Letme tellyou,youdontkillguyslikethat.Thatsexactlywhattheywant.Youknowwhatyoudo?Youlet themoffwithawarning.Justlikeaspeedingticket.Sometimesallaguylikethatneedsisagoodtalking

to.Yousithimdown,andyousay,Listen.Jeff.Nobodythinksyourefunny.Okay?Nooneisamused. Socalmdownandknockofftheshit.Stoptryingtodrawattentiontoyourself.Youeatonemore person,andyoureinbigtrouble. Alotoftheseguysneverhearthatsortofthing.Ithinkitwouldmakethemthinktwicebeforethey cookedanotherpersonsheadandateit.Dontyou? Now,astoTimothyMcVeigh,youvegotaslightlydifferentsituation.Afterall,theguysaveteran,so youhavetoshowhimalittleconsideration.Anddontforget,itshisfirstoffense.SoIsaylethimoff withawarning.Throwagoodscareintohim:Tim,onemoretricklikethat,anditsgonnameana heftyfine. SMILE! Camcordersareagoodexampleoftechnologygoneberserk.Everywhereyougonow,youseesome goofyfuckwithacamcorder.Everyonestapingeverything.Doesntanybodystopandlookatthings THEPLANETISFINE,THEPEOPLEAREFUCKED Atsomepoint,duringeverystageshowIdo,Itakeasipofwaterandasktheaudience,Howsthe waterhere?Ihaventgottenapositiveresponseyet.Notone.LastyearIwasin100differentcities. Notoneaudiencewasabletogivemeapositiveanswer.Nobodytruststheirwatersupply.Nobody. Andthatamusesme.Becauseitmeansthesystemisbeginningtocollapse,beginningtobreakdown.I enjoychaosanddisorder.Notjustbecausetheyhelpmeprofessionally;theyrealsomyhobby.Iman entropybuff. Inhighschool,whenIfirstheardofentropy,Iwasattractedtoitimmediately.Theysaidthatinnature allsystemsarebreakingdown,andIthought,Whatawonderfulthing;perhapsIcanmakesomesmall contributiontothisprocess,myself.And,ofcourse,itsnotjusttrueofnature,itstrueofsocietyas well.Ifyoulookcarefully,youcanseethatthesocialstructureisjustbeginningtobreakdown,just beginningtocomeapartattheseams.

 TheNewsTurnsMeOn WhatIlikeaboutthatisthatitmakesthenewsontelevisionmoreexciting.Iwatchthenewsforonly onething:entertainment.ThatsallIwant.Youknowmyfavoritethingontelevision?Badnews. Accidents,disasters,catastrophes,explosions,fires.Iwannaseeshitbeingdestroyedandbodiesflyin around. Imnotinterestedinthebudget,Idontcareabouttaxnegotiations,Idontwannaknowwhat countrythepopeisin.Butshowmeaburninghospitalwithpeopleoncrutchesjumpinofftheroof, andImahappyguy.Iwannaseeapaintfactoryblowinup,anoilrefineryexplode,andatornadohit achurchonSunday.IwannabetoldtheresaguyrunninthroughtheKmartshootingatcustomers withanautomaticweapon.Iwannaseethousandsofpeopleinthestreetkillingpolicemen;hearabout anuclearmeltdowninabigcity;findoutthestockmarketdropped4,000pointsinoneday.Iwannasee peopleunderpressure! Sirens,flames,smoke,bodies,gravesbeingfilled,parentsweeping.MykindaTV!Excitingshit.Ijust wantsomeentertainment!ThatsthekindofguyIam.YouknowwhatIlikemost?Bigchunksofsteel, concreteandfierywoodfallingoutofthesky,andpeoplerunningaroundtryingtogetoutoftheway. Excitingshit! FuckPakistan! AtleastIadmitit.Mostpeoplewontadmitthosefeelings.Mostpeopleseesomethinlikethat,they say,Ohhhh,isntthatawful?Bullshit!Lyinasshole!Youloveitandyouknowit.Explosionsare fun.Andtheclosertheexplosionistoyourhouse,themorefunitis.Haveyouevernoticedthat? Sometimesanannouncercomesontelevisionandsays,Sixthousandpeoplewerekilledinan explosiontoday.Yousay,Where,where?Hesays,InPakistan.Yousay,Aww,fuckPakistan. Toofarawaytobefun.Butifhesaysithappenedinyourhometown,yousay,Whooa,hotshit, Dave!Cmon!Letsgodownandlookatthebodies! Ilovebadnews.Doesntbotherme.Themorebadnewsthereis,thefasterthissystemcollapses.Im gladthewatersucks.YouknowwhatIdoaboutit?Idrinkit!Ifuckindrinkit!

 ThisIsOneBadSpecies Yousee,Imnotoneofthosepeoplewhoworriesabouteverything.Doyouhavepeoplearoundyou likethat?Thecountrysfullofemnow.Peoplewalkinaroundallday,worriedabouteverything. Worriedabouttheair,thewater,thesoil,pesticides,foodadditives,carcinogens,radon,asbestos. Worriedaboutsavingendangeredspecies. Lemmetellyouaboutendangeredspecies.Savingendangeredspeciesisjustonemorearroganthuman attempttocontrolnature.Thatswhatgotusintroubleinthefirstplace.Interferingwithnature. Meddling.Doesntanybodyunderstandthat? Andasfarasendangeredspeciesareconcerned,itsaphonyissue.Over90percentofallthespecies thateverlivedonthisplanetaregone.Theyreextinct.Wedidntkillthem;theyjustdisappeared. Thatswhatspeciesdo:theyappear,andtheydisappear.Itsnaturesway.Irrespectiveofour behavior,speciesvanishattherateoftwentyfiveaday.Letthemgogracefully.Stopinterfering.Leave naturealone.Haventwedoneenoughdamage? Weresoselfimportant.Soarrogant.Everybodysgoingtosavesomethingnow.Savethetrees,save thebees,savethewhales,savethesnails.Andthesupremearrogance?Savetheplanet!Arethese peoplekidding?Savetheplanet?Wedontevenknowhowtotakecareofourselves;wehavent learnedhowtocareforoneanother.Weregonnasavethefuckinplanet? GreensEatShit Imgettintiredofthatshit.ImtiredoffuckinEarthDay.Imtiredoftheseselfrighteous environmentalist,white,bourgeoisliberalswhothinktheonlythingwrongwiththiscountryisthat therearentenoughbikepaths.TryintomaketheworldsafefortheirrepulsiveVolvos. Besides,environmentalistsdontgiveashitabouttheplanetanyway.Notreally.Notintheabstract. Youknowwhattheyreinterestedin?Acleanplacetolive.Theirownhabitat.Thatsall.Theyre

worriedthatsometimeinthefuturetheymightpersonallybeinconvenienced.Narrow,unenlightened selfinterestdoesntimpressme. And,bytheway,theresnothingwrongwiththeplanetinthefirstplace.Theplanetisfine.Thepeople arefucked!Comparedwiththepeople,theplanetisdoingreat.Itsbeenhereoverfourbillionyears. Didyoueverthinkaboutthat?Theplanethasbeenherefourandahalfbillionyears.Andwevebeen hereforwhat?Ahundredthousand?Andweveonlybeenengagedinheavyindustryforalittleover twohundredyears.Twohundredversus4.5billion!Andwehavethenerve,theconceittothinkthat somehowwereathreat?Thatsomehowweregoingtoputthisbeautifullittlebluegreenballin jeopardy? Believeme,thisplanethasputupwithmuchworsethanus.Itsbeenthroughearthquakes,volcanoes, platetectonics,solarflares,sunspots,magneticstorms,polereversals,planetaryfloods,worldwidefires, tidalwaves,windandwatererosion,cosmicrays,iceages,andhundredsofthousandsofyearsof bombardmentbycomets,asteroids,andmeteors.Andpeoplethinkafewplasticbagsandaluminum cansaregoingtomakeadifference? SeeYa! Theplanetisntgoinanywhere,folks.Weare!Weregoinaway.Packyourshit,weregoin away.Andwewontleavemuchofatrace.ThankGodforthat.Nothingleft.MaybealittleStyrofoam. Theplanetwillbehere,andwellbegone.Anotherfailedmutation;anotherclosedendbiological mistake. Theplanetwillshakeusofflikeabadcaseoffleas.Anditwillhealitself,becausethatswhatthe planetdoes;itsaselfcorrectingsystem.Theairandwaterandearthwillrecoverandberenewed.And ifplasticisreallynotdegradable,well,mostlikelytheplanetwillincorporateitintoanewparadigm:The EarthPlusPlastic.Earthdoesntshareourprejudiceagainstplastic.Plasticcameoutoftheearth.She probablyseesitasoneofhermanychildren. Infact,itcouldbethereasontheearthallowedustobespawnedinthefirstplace;itwantedplasticand didntknowhowtomakeit.Itneededus.Thatcouldbetheanswertoourageoldquestion:Whyare wehere?Plastic,assholes!

IJustCantShakeThisCold Andso,ourjobisdone.Theplasticishere,wecannowbephasedout.AndIthinkthatsalready begun,dontyou?Imean,tobefair,theplanetprobablyseesusasamildthreat,somethingtobe dealtwith.AndImsureitcandefenditselfinthemannerofalargeorganism;thewayabeehiveoran antcolonywouldmusteradefense.Imsuretheplanetwillthinkofsomething.Whatwouldyoube thinkingifyouweretheplanet,tryingtodefendyourselfagainstthispesky,troublesomespecies? Letssee,whatmightItry?Hmmm!Virusesmightbegood;thesehumansseemvulnerable.And virusesaretricky,alwaysmutatinganddevelopingnewstrainswhennewmedicinesorvaccinesare introduced.AndperhapsthefirstvirusItrycouldbeonethatcompromisestheirimmunesystems.A humanimmunodeficiencyvirusthatmakesthemvulnerabletootherinfectionsthatcomealong.And perhapsthisviruscouldbespreadsexually,makingthemreluctanttoengageintheactofreproduction, furtherreducingtheirnumbers. Well,Iguessitsapoeticnotion,butitsastart.AndIcandream,cantI? No,folks,Idontworryaboutthelittlethings.Bees,trees,whales,snails.Idontworryaboutthem.I thinkwerepartofamuchgreaterwisdom.Greaterthanwewilleverunderstand.Ahigherorder.Call itwhatyoulike.IcallitTheBigElectron.TheBigElectron.Itdoesntpunish,itdoesntreward,andit doesntjudge.Itjustis.Andsoarewe.Foralittlewhile.Seeya. SHORTTAKES Youknowwhatweneed?BlackJellO. Idontunderstandwhyprostitutionisillegal.Sellingislegal,fuckingislegal.So,whyisntitlegalto sellfucking?Whyshoulditbeillegaltosellsomethingthatslegaltogiveaway?Icantfollowthe logic.Ofallthethingsyoucandotoaperson,givingthemanorgasmishardlytheworst.Inthearmy theygiveyouamedalforkillingpeople;incivilianlifeyougotojailforgivingthemorgasms.AmI missingsomething?

Wouldntitbegreatifyoucouldmakeaguysheadexplodejustbylookingathim? GuysdontseemtobecalledLeftyanymore. JOINTHERANKSOFTHEUNCLEAN. Insomeoneelseshouse,whenIsitonawarmtoiletseatafterseeinganotherpersonleavethe bathroom,ifthatpersonwasamanImnotquitecomfortable.ButifitwasawomanIfeeljustfine. Unlessitwasareallyfatoroldwoman.Thenitfeelskindofcreepy. ThereasonItalktomyselfisthatImtheonlyonewhoseanswersIaccept. Tomygreatdisgust,thetrendofnamingchildrenwithwhat,untilrecently,hadbeenconsidered surnamescontinuesunabated.Thelatestabominations:Walker,Parker,Kendall,FlynnandMcKenna. Godhelpus. Whyarentthereanyreallydisturbingpopsongs,likeTomorrowImGonnaFuckYourWife?Ifyou weretryingtocleanuptheworldwithagun,youcouldsuredoalotworsethanstartingwitha wholebunchofdeadprosecutors. Iwasthinkingtheotherdaythattheyoughttomakethosehandicappedrampsalittlesteeper.Andput afewcurvesinthem,too.Icouldusesomelaughs.Thinkofhowentertainingitwouldbeifallthe peopleonTVstillhadtheiroriginalteeth.Ithinkweoughttojustgoaheadandmakezillionareal number.Gazillion,too.Azillioncouldbe tenmilliontrillions,andagazillioncouldbeatrillionzillions.Itseemstomeitstimetodothis.Along timeagoinEnglandaguynamedThomasCulpepperwashanged,beheaded,quartered,and disemboweled.WhydoIhavetheimpressionwomenwerenotinvolvedintheseactivities?Iread somewherethatinMexicoCity300tonsoffecalmatteraredepositedintheaireveryday.SoI guessyoucouldsaythatnotonlydoesshithappen,italsofallsonyourhead.InMaine,inordertosave energy,thereareseverallighthousesthatareclosedatnight.Whatsallthefussaboutsamesex marriages?Ivebeenthesamesexallmylife,andIwasmarriedfor years.Noproblem.Whatsthebigdeal?Ithinkthebesthomesecuritysystemofallwouldbeonethat lockstheburglarinsidehisownhouse.Sometimewhenyourewatchingastreetmusician,walkoverin themiddleofasongandwhispertohim thatyoudontlikehismusic.Thentakeadollaroutofhiscupandwalkaway.SometimeafterJohn Denversairplanecrashed,asheriffonTVwasspeculatingthatapelicanhadflownintotheplane.He actuallysaid,Birdsareahazardtoaircraft.Funny,Ialwaysthoughtitwastheotherwayaround.You

knowwhatsafunthingtodo?Gothroughyouraddressbookeveryfewyearsandcrossoutthedead people. Running.Peoplethinkrunningisasport.Runningisntasportbecauseanybodycandoit.Anythingwe canalldocantbeasport.Icanrun,youcanrun.ForChrissakes,mymothercanrun!Youdontsee heronthecoverofSportsIllustrated,doyou? Swimming.Swimmingisntasport.Swimmingisawaytokeepfromdrowning.Thatsjustcommon sense. Sailingisntasport.Sailingisawaytogetsomewhere.Ridingthebusisntasport,whythefuckshould sailingbeasport? Boxingisnotasporteither.Boxingisawaytobeattheshitoutofsomebody.Inthatrespect,boxingis actuallyamoresophisticatedformofhockey.Inspiteofwhatthepolicetellyou,beatingtheshitoutof somebodyisnotasport.WhenpolicebrutalitybecomesanOlympicevent,fine,thenboxingcanbea sport. Bowling.Bowlingisntasportbecauseyouhavetorenttheshoes.Dontforget,thesearemyrules.I makeemup. Billiards.Somepeoplethinkbilliardsisasport,butitcantbe,becausetheresnochanceforserious injury.Unless,ofcourse,youwelchonabetinatoughneighborhood.Then,ifyouwindupwithapool cuestickinoutofyourass,youknowyoumightjustbethevictimofasportsrelatedinjury.Butthat aintbilliards,thatspool,andthatstartswithaP,andthatrhymeswithD,andthatbringsmeto darts. Dartscouldhavebeenasport,becauseatleasttheresachancetoputsomeoneseyeout.But,alas, dartswillneverbeasport,becausethewholeobjectofthegameistoreachzero,whichgoesagainstall sportslogic.

Lacrosseisnotasport;lacrosseisafaggotycollegeactivity.Idontcarehowroughitis,anytimeyoure runningaroundafield,wavingastickwithalittlenetontheendofit,youreengagedinafaggoty collegeactivity.Period. Fieldhockeyandfencing.Samething.Faggotycollegeshit.Also,theseactivitiesarentsports,because youcantgambleonthem.Anythingyoucantgambleoncantbeasport.Whenwasthelasttime youmadeafuckinfencingbet? GymnasticsisnotasportbecauseRomaniansaregoodatit.Ittookmealongtimetocomeupwiththat rule,butgoddammit,Ididit. Poloisntasport.Poloisgolfonhorseback.Withouttheholes.Itsagreatconcept,butitsnota sport.Andasfaraswaterpoloisconcerned,Ihesitatetoevenmentionit,becauseitsextremelycruel tothehorses. Whichbringsmetohunting.Youthinkhuntingisasport?Askthedeer.Theonlygoodthingabout huntingisthemanyfatalaccidentsontheweekends.And,ofcourse,thepermanentlydisfigured hunterswhosurvivesuchaccidents. Thenyouhavetennis.Tennisisverytrendyandveryfruity,butitsnotasport.Itsjustawaytomeet othertrendyfruits.Technically,tennisisanadvancedformofPingPong.Infact,tennisisPingPong playedwhilestandingonthetable.Greatconcept,notasport. Infact,allracketgamesarenothingmorethanderivativesofPingPong.Evenvolleyballis,technically, racketless,teamPingPongplayedwithaninflatedballandaraisednetwhilestandingonthetable. Andfinallywecometogolf.Formyfulltakeongolf,Ireferyouelsewhereinthebook,butletitjustbe saidgolfisagamethatmightpossiblybefun,ifitcouldbeplayedalone.Butitsthevacuous,striving, superficial,malebondingjoinersonehastoassociatewiththatmakesitsucharepulsivepastime.Andit isdecidedlynotasport.Period. GOLFCOURSESFORTHEHOMELESS

 WarIsHeaven WhentheUnitedStatesisnotinvadingsomesovereignnationorsettingitonfirefromtheair,whichis morefunforoursimplemindedpilotswereusuallybusydeclaringwaronsomethinghereat home. Anythingwedontlikeaboutourselves,wedeclarewaronit.Wedontdoanythingaboutit,wejust declarewar.Declaringwarisouronlypublicmetaphorforproblemsolving.Wehaveawaroncrime, awaronpoverty,awaronhate,awaronlitter,awaroncancer,awaronviolence,andRonald Reagansultimatejoke,thewarondrugs.Moreaccurately,thewarontheConstitution. BeItEverSoHumble... Buttheresnowaronhomelessness.Younoticethat?Itsbecausetheresnomoneyinit.Ifsomeone couldendhomelessnessandintheprocessletthecorporateswinestealacoupleofbilliondollars, youdseethestreetsofAmericaclearupprettygoddamnquickly.Butifyouthinkitsgoingtobe solvedthroughhumandecency,relax.Itsnotgonnahappen. YouknowwhatIthinktheyoughttodoabouthomelessness?Changeitsname.Itsnothomelessness, itshouselessness.Itshousesthesepeopleneed.Homeisanabstractidea;itsasetting,astateof mind.Thesepeopleneedhouses.Physical,tangiblestructures.Theyneedlowcosthousing. GetItOuttaHere! Buttheresnoplacetoputit.Peopledontwantlowcosthousingbuiltanywherenearthem.Wehave athinginthiscountrycalledNIMBY:Notinmybackyard!Peopledontwantsocialassistanceofany kindlocatedanywherenearthem.Justtrytoopenahalfwayhouse,arehabcenter,ashelterforthe homeless,orahomeforretardedpeoplewhowanttoworktheirwayintothecommunity.Forgetit. Peoplewontallowit.Notinmybackyard!

Peopledontwantanythingnearthem,especiallyiftheresachanceitmighthelpsomebody.Its partofthatgreat,generousAmericanspiritwehearsomuchabout.YoucanasktheIndiansaboutthat. Ifyoumanagetofindone.WevemadeIndiansjustalittlehardtofind.Shouldyouneedmorecurrent data,selectanyblackfamilyatrandom.AskthemhowgenerousAmericahasbeentothem. LocktheBastardsUp...SomewhereElse Peopledontwantanythingnearthem.Evenifitssomethingtheythinksocietyneeds,likeprisons. Everybodysays,Buildmoreprisons!Butdontbuildthemhere. Well,whynot?Whatswrongwithhavingaprisoninyourneighborhood?Itseemstomeitwould makeforafairlycrimefreearea.Youthinkalotofcrackheadsandthievesandhookersaregonnabe hanginaroundinfrontofafuckinprison?Bullshit!Theyaintgoinanywherenearit. Whatcouldbesaferthanaprison?Allofthecriminalsarelockedinside.Andifacoupleofthemdo managetoescape,whatdoyouthinktheyregonnado?Hangaround?Checkrealestateprices? Bullshit!Theyrefuckingone!Thatsthewholeideaofbreakinoutofprison:togetasfarawayas youpossiblycan. Notinmybackyard.Peopledontwantanythingnearthem.Exceptmilitarybases.Theylikethat, dontthey?Giveemanarmyoranavybase;thatmakesemhappy.Why?Jobs.Selfinterest.Evenif thebaseisloadedwithnuclearweapons,theydontgiveashit.Theyllsay,Well,Idontmindafew mutationsinthefamilyifIcangetadecentjob.Workingpeoplehavebeenfuckedoversolong,those arethekindofdecisionstheymakenow. PuttsforPutzes Butgettingbacktolowcosthousing,IthinkImighthavesolvedthisproblem.Iknowjusttheplaceto buildhousingforthehomeless:golfcourses.Itsperfect.Plentyofgoodlandinniceneighborhoods; landthatiscurrentlybeingsquanderedonamindlessactivityengagedinbywhite,welltodobusiness criminalswhousethegametogettogethersotheycanmakedealstocarvethiscountryupalittlefiner amongthemselves.

 Imsickofthesegolfingcocksuckersintheirgreenandyellowpants,preciouslittlehats,andpussified golfcarts.Itstimeforrealpeopletoreclaimthegolfcoursesfromthewealthyandturnthemoverto thehomeless.Golfisanarrogant,elitistgamethattakesupentirelytoomuchspaceinthiscountry. SizeMatters Thearrogantnatureofgolfisevidentinthedesignandscaleofthegame.Thinkofhowbigagolfcourse is.Itshuge;youcantseeoneendofitfromtheother.Buttheballisonlyaninchandahalfin diameter.Sowillsomeonepleaseexplaintomewhatthesepinheadedpricksneedwithallthatland? Americahasover17,000golfcourses.Theyaverageover150acresapiece.Thatsthreemillionplus acres.Fourthousand,eighthundredandtwentysquaremiles.WecouldbuildtwoRhodeIslandsanda Delawaresworthofhousingforthehomelessonthelandcurrentlywastedonthismeaningless, mindless,arrogant,racistgame. Thatsanotherthing:race.Theonlyblacksyoullfindincountryclubsarecarryingtrays.Anddont givemethatTigerWoodsbullshit.FuckTigerWoods.Heaintblack.Heacts,talks,andliveslikeawhite boy.Skinalonedoesntmakeyoublack. WakeMeUponthe19thHole Andletsnotforgethowboringgolfis.Haveyoueverwatcheditontelevision?Itslikewatchingflies fuck.Acompletelymindlessgame.Ishouldthinkittakesafairlylowintellecttodrawpleasurefromthe followingactivity:hittingaballwithacrookedstick...andthenwalkingafterit!Andthen...hittingit again!Isay,Pickitup,asshole,youreluckyyoufoundthefuckinthinginthefirstplace.Putitin yourpocketandgothefuckhome!But,no.Dorko,intheplaidknickers,isgonnahittheballagain. Andthenhesgonnawalksomemore. Isaylettheserichcocksuckersplayminiaturegolf.Letemfuckwithawindmillforanhourandahalf.I wannaseeiftheresanyrealskillamongthesepeople.Andyeah,yeah,Iknowthereareplentyof

golferswhodontconsiderthemselvesrich;peoplewhoplayonbadlymaintainedpubliccourses.Fuck em!Fuckthemandshameonthem!Shame!Forengaginginanarrogant,elitist,racistactivity. THEGOODBREAD Whenyoumakeasandwichathome,doyoureachdownpastthefirstfewslicestogetthereallygood bread?Itsasurvivalthing:Letmyfamilyeattherottenbread.IlltakecareofNumeroUno. Andsometimestheissueisntfreshnessbutthesizeofthesliceyoureafter.Everyoneknowsthe wideronesaresomewherenearthemiddle.Sodownyougopastaboutsixinferiorslicestoreachthe onesyouwant.And,asyoupullthemup,youhavetobecarefultheydonttear.Then,justbeforeyou getthemout,thetopsixslicesshiftpositionandfallperpendiculartotherestoftheloaf. Shit! Ileavethemthatway.Letthefamilythinkaburglarmadeasandwich. SHORTTAKES Didyounoticethatseveralyearsagoeverythinggotdifferent? Ineverreadmemoirs;thelastthingIneedissomeoneelsesmemories.IhaveallIcandotodealwith myown. Ittakestwoscalestofindouthowmuchascaleweighs. Inthiseraofmaxi,megaandmeta,youknowwhatwedonthaveanymore?Super duper.I missthat.

 Fuckwholegraincereal.WhenIwantfiber,Ieatsomewickerfurniture. SuggestionsIignore:George,yougooutanddrawtheirfire,Illsneakuponthemfrombehind. Youmen,nexttimeaprostitutesolicitsyourbusiness,askfortheclergymensrate. Ithinkdoctors,whomustalwaysremainemotionallydetached,shouldbeaccompaniedontheir hospitalroundsbypeasantwomenfromtheMiddleEast.Theoneswhocryandwailandthrow themselvesoncoffinsatthoseterroristfuneralsyouseeontelevision.Justforbalance. Theonlythinghighdefinitiontelevisionwilldoisprovidesharperpicturesofthegarbage. Haveyounoticedthatsomecompaniesnowcalltheirmenialemployeesassociates?Theyretrying tomakethemfeelbetterinspiteofsubsistencesalaries.Associatesisaveryslipperyjobtitle.Dont befooledbyit. Godblessthehomicidalmaniacs.Theymakelifeworthwhile. TherearepatrioticvegetariansintheAmericanLegionwhowillonlyeatanimalsthatwerekilledin combat. PegLegBatesJr.ssoleambitionwastofollowinhisfathersfootstep. WhenIwasakidIcanremembersaying,Crossmyheartandhopetodie.Idliketoconfessnow thatIneverreallymeantthesecondpart. VeryfewGermansknowthatinhonorofherhusband,Mrs.Hitlercombedherpussyhairtooneside.

 Youdonthearalotfromimpsanymore. FECESTAKEPLACE IthinkTVremotesshouldhaveabuttonthatallowsyoutokillthepersononthescreen. Thephrasediggingupdirtseemswrong.Ifyouuseashovelcorrectly,theveryfirsttimeyoustickit inthegroundthethingyoucomeupwithisdirt.Thedirtisrightthereontop.Itdoesnthavetobe dugup. Whenyoureatsomeoneelseshouse,andtheyleaveyoualoneinaroom,doyoulookinthe drawers?Ido.Imnottryingtostealanything;Ijustliketoknowwhereeverythingis. Idontunderstandthisnotionofethnicpride.ProudtobeIrish,PuertoRicanpride,Black pride.Itseemstomethatprideshouldbereservedforaccomplishments;thingsyouattainorachieve, notthingsthathappentoyoubychance.BeingIrishisntaskill;itsgenetic.Youwouldntsay,Im proudtohavebrownhair,orImproudtobeshortandstocky.Sowhythefuckshouldyousay youreproudtobeIrish?ImIrish,butImnotparticularlyproudofit.Justglad!Goddamngladtobe Irish! Dontyouthinkitsfunnythatallthesetoughguyboxersarefightingoverapurse? Iwonder:Onrainynights,doesthesandmansendthemudman? IthinktheyoughttohaveanannualceremonyattheWhiteHousecalledtheBadExampleAward.They shouldgiveittotheonepersoninAmericawhohasmadethemostcompletedisasterofhisown personallife.Someonewhothroughdrugsoralcoholorsimplyabadattitudehasbeenfired,arrested, killedamarriage,completelyalienatedfriendsandfamily,andperhapsevenattemptedsuicideseveral times.Butitmusthavehappenedbecauseofpersonalbehaviorandconsciouschoices,notbadluck.It seemstomepeoplelikethatneverreceiveanyrecognition.

Christiandeodorant:ThouShaltNotSmell LouGehrigwasaprettytoughguy,butIwonderhowhehandleditwhentheytoldhimhehadLou Gehrigsdisease. Mostpeopledontknowwhattheyredoing,andalotofthemarereallygoodatit. SeaWorldshouldhaveaspecialaquariumthatfeaturesfishsticks.Infact,IwouldntmindseeingMrs. Paulherselfswimmingaroundinthere:Hi,kids! DoyouthinkSammyDavisateJuniorMints? Haveyounoticedwhenyouwearahatforalongtimeitfeelslikeitsnotthereanymore?Andthen whenyoutakeitoffitfeelslikeitsstillthere?Whatisthat? Icanneverdecideifwhatshisnameshouldbecapitalized. Doyouknowwhytheycallitablowjob?Soitllsoundliketheresaworkethicinvolved.Makesa personfeelliketheydidsomethingusefulfortheeconomy. Assoonassomeoneisidentifiedasanunsunghero,henolongeris. Itisntgenerallyknown,butyoucansavemoneyonphonecallsbysimplynotlettingtheotherperson talk.Studieshaveshownthatonmanyphonecallsasmuchas50percentofthetalkingisdonebythe otherperson.Ifyoucanmanagetodominatetheconversation,youcansavemoney. DYINGTOSTAYALIVE

Youreallgoingtodie.Ihatetoremindyou,butitisonyourschedule.Itprobablywonthappenwhen youdlike;generally,itsaninconvenience.Forinstance,youmighthaveyourstampcollectionspread outonthediningroomtable. [Ominousmusic] Now? Now. MayIatleastputawaymycommemoratives? No. Inconvenient. Nobodywantstodie.Nobody.Well,maybeEvelKnievel,butmostotherpeopledontliketheidea.It doesntseemlikeanenjoyablething.Peoplefigureifbeingsickisnofun,dyingmustreallybeabother. Afterall,partofthepleasureofbeingaliveistheknowledgethatyourenotdeadyet.Andwhenyou getrightdowntoit,peopledontmindbeingdead,itsgettingdeadthatbothersthem.Noonewants togetdead.Butwereallgonnadoit.Deathisoneofthefewthingsthataretruly democraticeverybodygetsitonce.Butonlyonce.Thatswhatmakesusnervous.Norehearsals. TICKETTONOWHERE Andactually,Ithinkpeopleshouldlookforwardtodeath.Afterall,itsournextbigadventure.Atlast weregoingtofindoutwherewego.Isntthatwhatweveallbeenwondering?Wherewego? Wheredowego?Idontknow.Wemustgosomewhere.True.Philsaysheknows. Iknowhedoes.Buttakemyword,Phildoesntknow. Wheredowego?Maybeitsnowhere;thatwouldbeinteresting.Ontheonehand,youdbe nowhere, butontheotherhand,youwouldntknowit.Soatleastyoudhavesomethingtothinkabout.Ornot. Personally,Ithinkwegowhereverwethinkweregoingtogo.Whatyouthinkiswhatyouget.Have youeverheardoneofthoseguyswhosays,Dontevenbotherprayinforme,Imgoinstraightto hell;Imgointohelltobewithallmyfriends?Well,heis.Hesgoingtohell,andhellprobablybe

withallhisfriends.Whatyouthinkiswhatyouget.Ifyoukeepsayingyouregoingtoheaven,chances areyoullgetthere.Butdontlookforanyofyourfriends. Inmyowncase,IexpectIllbegoingtoapublictoiletinHonduras.Andbytheway,shouldyoube interested,IcantellyouongoodauthoritythatwhenMontyHalldieshewillbespendingalotoftime behinddoornumberthree. DEATH:THESHOW DieBig Myfeelingisthataslongasyouregoingtodie,youshouldgooutwithabang.Makeastatement. Dontjustpassaway.Die! Arniepassedaway. Hedid? Yes.Quietly,inachair. Ididntknow. Well,thatstheidea;nooneknows. True.Ontheotherhand,theysayJimdied. Oh,yes,Jimdied!Hedied,andnowhesdead!Hehadathirtyminuteseizureinahotel,danced acrossthelobby,andwoundupinafountain,twitchinguncontrollably.Bellhopswereactually applauding.

 Godblesshim,hewentoutbig. Isaygooutbig,folks;itsyourlastchancetomakeastatement.Beforeyougo,giveemashow; entertainthoseyouleavebehind. TwoMinuteWarning Now,youmightbewonderingwhyIwouldevensuggestthatsomeonecanaffectthemannerandstyle ofhisdeath.Well,itsbecauseofamysteriousandlittleknownstageofdying,thetwominute warning.Mostpeoplearenotawareofit,butitdoesexist.Justasinfootball,twominutesbeforeyou dieyoureceiveanaudiblewarning:Twominutes!Getyourshittogether!Andthereasonmost peopledontknowaboutitisbecausetheonlyoneswhohearitaredeadtwominuteslater.They nevergetachancetotellus. Butsuchawarningdoesexist,andIsuggestthatwhenitcomes,youuseyourtwominutestoentertain andgooutbig.Ifnothingelse,deliveratwominutespeech.Pickasubjectyoufeelpassionateabout, andjuststarttalking.Beginlowkey,but,withmountingpassion,buildtoarousingclimax.Finally,inthe lastfewseconds,screamatthosearoundyou,Ifthesewordsarenotthetruth,mayGodstrikeme dead!Hewill.Thensimplyslumpforwardandfalltothefloor.Believeme,fromthatmomenton, peoplewillpaymoreattentiontoyou. Ofcourse,suchaspeechisnotyouronlyoption;circumstancesmaypermitamorespectacularexit. Perhapsyoullgetyourtwominutewarningduringanaerobicsclass.Ifso,volunteerforsomething strenuous.Grabthreesetsofdumbells,straponalotoflegweights,andstartrunningonthetreadmill atareallysteepgrade.Whentheytellyoutostop,turnthetreadmillupto20milesanhourandstart leapingintheair.TellthemitsanewexercisecalledtheHinduDeathLeap.Thencollapseonthe treadmill,allowingittoflingyoubackwardintothemirroredwall,breakingthemirrorandshowering everyonewithsmallpiecesofglass.Iguaranteethepolicewillsearchyourlockercarefully. HealThis! OrmaybeyoullbeluckyenoughtoreceiveyourtwominutewarningwhileattendingChristianfaith healingservices.Thisisawonderfulopportunitytogivereligionabadname.Afterthesermon,when

theyaskforthosetocomeforwardwhoneedamiracle,standupandgetonlinewiththecripples. Trytotimethingsjustright.Cutintolineifyouhaveto.Then,withbarelytensecondsleft,kneelinfront ofthepreacher.Hewillplacehishandsonyou,shout,Heal!andyouwillcroakathisfeet.Notquite amiracle,butcertainlyanattentiongetter.Andthenicethingistheyllblameitonthepreacher: THOUSANDSLOOKONASEVANGELISTSLAYSWORSHIPER.POLICESTUDYVIDEOTAPE. PosthumousFun Butyouneedntbesatisfiedwithmerelyanimpressivedeathscene.Youcanactuallytakeitabit further,pastthemomentofdeath,bypreprogrammingsomeposthumousreflexesintoyourbrain. Remember,thecentralnervoussystemrunsonelectricity,anddyingtakesplaceinstages.So,notallof yourelectricalenergyisfullydischargedatthetimeyouarepronounceddead;someofitremains stored.Morgueandfuneralworkersreportthatcorpsesoftenspasmandtwitchasmuchastwodays afterdeath. SoIsay,aslongasyouhavethatpotential,becreative.Beforeyoudie,tryusingautosuggestionand visualimagingtopreprogramintoyourbrainafewposthumousreflexes.Thingsthatwillentertainthe folksyouleavebehindandcapturetheirimaginations.Youmightwanttoconsiderhummingduringyour autopsy,orsnappingyourfingersduringtheembalming,oralwaysabigwinneratawakebolting uprightinyourcoffinandscreaming,Imnotreallydead!Thatoneisespeciallyfunifsomeonehas broughtalongimpressionablechildren. Butperhapsyoureofamoreconservativestripe.Ifso,atyourwake,somethingassimpleassqueezing offseveraldozenloudbutartisticallyredeemingfartsmightbringasmiletothefacesofthosewho knewyoubest:IsntthatjustlikeUncleBob,theyllchuckle,astheyrushtoopenawindow. So,folks,Ithinkmymessageisclear:evenindeath,obligationstoyourlovedonesdonotend.Youstill havetheresponsibilitytoentertainandeasetheirgrief.Andshouldyoupersist,andbetrulycreative withthesepostdeathefforts,youmayaccomplishtherarefeatofleavingbehindagroupofincensed relativeswhobeatyouwithheavyclubsuntiltheyaresatisfiedthatyourefullyandcompletelydead. FUNERALS

 Idontliketoattendfunerals.WhenIdie,Idontwantafuneral,becauseImsureofonething:ifI dontlikeotherpeoplesfunerals,Imgoingtohatemyown. AndIdontwantawake.Idontliketheideaoflyingondisplay,dead,inamahoganyconvertiblewith thetopdown.Everybodylooking,andyouredead.Theyhavenoideayourewearingshortpants,and havenobackinyourjacket.Itsembarrassing.Especiallyiftheyusetoomuchmakeup,andyoulook likeadeceaseddragqueen. Andasyourelyingtherehalfnaked,onebyonetheykneeldownandstaresilentlyintoyourcoffin. Itssupposedtolookreverent.Whattheyrereallydoingissubtractingtheiragefromyourstofind outhowmuchtimetheyhaveleft.Thatis,iftheyreyounger.Iftheyreolder,theyjustgloatbecause youdiedfirst. Helooksgood. Dave,hesdead. Iknow.Butwhenhewasalivehedidntlookthisgood. Itsaperversefactthatindeathyougrowmorepopular.Assoonasyoureoutofeveryonesway, your approvalcurvemovessharplyupward.Yougetmoreflowerswhenyoudiethanyougotyourwholelife. Allyourflowersarriveatonce.Toolate.Andpeoplesaythenicestthingsaboutyou.Theyllevenmake thingsup:Youknow,Jeffwasascumbag.Acompletedegeneratescumbag.Buthemeantwell!You havetogivehimthat.Hewasacompletedegeneratewellmeaningscumbag.PoorJeff. Poorisabigwordwhendiscussingthedead. PoorBillisdead. Yeah,poorBill. AndpoorTomisgone. Jeez,yeah,poorTom. PoorJohndied. PoorJohn.Hey,whataboutEd? Ed?Thatmotherfuckerisstillalive!Iwishhewoulddie.

Yeah.Thedirtyprick.Letskillhim. JUSTFORFUN Whenwritingaletterofreferenceforafriend,givehimaglowingrecommendation,butjustforfun, concludebysaying,DontletDaveslegalhistorytroubleyou.Theresreasontobelievethelittle girlwaslying. Justforfun,knockonthedoorofanystallinapublicrestroomandsay,Sir!Pleasetrytocontrolthe smellinthere.Dontforceustobringinthehoses. CalloneofthoseHowAmIDriving800numbersand,justforfun,complainaboutaparticulardriver. Tellthemhewasdrivingonthesidewalk,vomiting,givingthefingertooldwomen,anddanglingababy outthewindow. Nexttimeyoureatabaseballgame,singthenationalantheminaloudvoice,butjustforfun, alternateeachlinebetweenEnglishandcompletegibberish: Oohsaycanyousee, Floggiebloomskeldopronk, Whatsoproudlywehailed, Cloggadronkslernklamdongblench. Seeifthatdoesntgetthefanstalkingamongthemselves.

Whilestrollingpastasidewalkcaf,justforfun,squeezeoffseveraltrulyrepulsivefarts,silentornoisy. Ifsilent,standtoonesideandwatchtheresults;ifnoisy,tipyourhatandsay,Bonappetito. Walkthroughacrowdedamusementparkcarryingasmalltaperecorderthatplaysthesoundofalittle girlsvoicescreaming,Help,Mommy,themanistouchingmelikeDaddydoesathome!Justforfun. SHORTTAKES Whenyousteponthebrakesyourlifeisinyourfootshands. AttendingcollegeataplacecalledBobJonesUniversityislikeputtingyourmoneyinNick&Tonys Bank. IthinkwhattheauthoritiesneedisaSQUATteam.Hereshowitwouldwork:Asquadofheavilyarmed policebreakintothehouseandtakeashitinthelivingroom. BurmaisnowcalledMyanmar,CeylonisSriLanka,andUpperVoltaisBurkinaFaso.Howcantheydo that?Howcantheyjustchangethenameofacountry?Itdoesntseemrighttome. TheJewsaresmart;theydonthaveahell. Nooneeversayshalfaweek,althoughobviouslythereissuchathing.Asin,Illbebackinaweek andahalf. FUCKRATIONALTHOUGHT YouknowwhowouldmakeaninterestingmurderCsuicide? MadeleineAlbrightandYanni. Whentheyprinttheyearsofsomeonesbirthanddeath,canyouresistfiguringouthowoldthey were? IhopereincarnationisafactsoIcancomebackandfuckteenagersagain. Letmetellyousomething,ifweeverhaveagood,useful,realliferevolutioninthiscountry,Imgonna

killawholelotofmotherfuckersonmylist.Forpurposesofsurprise,Imnotrevealingthenamesat this time.Ifacentipedewantstokickanothercentipedeintheshins,doeshedoitonelegatatime?Or doeshestandonfiftyofhislegsandkickwiththeotherfifty? McDonaldssays100BillionServed.Bullshit,theyhandthemtoyou.Theresadifference. SPOTSAREDOTSUPCLOSE.DOTSARESPOTSFARAWAY. Whyisitapileofdirtyclothesiscalledthelaundry?Imabouttodothelaundry.Andthen, whenit comesoutofthemachine,itsstillcalledthelaundry?Ijustdidthelaundry.Whatsthedeal here?Is laundrycleanordirty?Thereasoncountyfairsdonthavekissingboothsanymoreisbecausesomeone noticedthatalotofthemeninlinehadhardons. Wouldntyouliketoreadsomeofthethingstheyfoundinthesuggestionboxafterameetingofthe AryanBrotherhood?ThisyearfortheOscarsandEmmysIworemyusualoutfit:filthyunderwear.I enjoytelevisionalotmorewhenImcomfortablydressed. Regardingsafeandsound:Iveoftenbeensafe,butseldomhaveIbeenthoughtofassound.True Stuff:ThereisactuallyanautoracecalledtheGoodysHeadachePowder500.IthinkKleenexoughtto putalittlebullseyerightinthemiddleofthetissue.Wouldntthatbegreat? Especiallywhenyourehanginoutwithyourbuddies:(KNNERRFFF!SNGOTT!)Look,Joey,an85! Dustingisagoodexampleofthefutilityoftryingtoputthingsright.Assoonasyoudust,thefactofyour nextdustinghasalreadybeenestablished. Whatexactlyisawingding? WhenThomasEdisonworkedlateintothenightontheelectriclight,hehadtodoitbygaslampor candle.Imsureitmadetheworkseemthatmuchmoreurgent. Haveyounoticedthatinthemovieslatelyapopularthingtodoissticksomeonesheadinthetoilet andflushthetoiletrepeatedly?Wheredidthatcomefrom?Theyneverusedtodothat.Youneversaw

SpencerTracystickHenryFondasheadinthetoilet.MaybeKatharineHepburns,butnotHenry Fondas. Astonesthrowismuchfartherthanahop,skip,andajump,butitsnotnearlyasfarasawhoop,a holler,andastomp. Amusementparksshouldhavearidewherepeoplearepursuedbythepoliceathighspeed,andwhen theyrecaughttheyrebeatenandtortured. Whenyouthinkaboutit,attentiondeficitdisordermakesalotofsense.Inthiscountrythereisntalot worthpayingattentionto. Whydotheycallonesportwomenstennis,andthenturnaroundandcalltheotheroneladies golf? OnceayeartheyshouldhaveNoHairpieceDay.Soeveryonecouldseewhatallthesebaldyheaded, fakehairjerkoffsreallylooklike. Whodecideswhentheapplauseshoulddiedown?Itseemslikeitsagroupdecision;everyonebegins tosaytothemselvesatthesametime,Well,okay,thatsenoughofthat. Imtiredoftheseonesidedheavyweightfights.IthinkMikeTysonshouldjustgoaheadandfighta leopard.Atleastitwouldbeanevenmatch.AndIwishhewouldbitemorepeople.God,thatwasgreat. Ithinkitwouldbefunifhejuststartedbitingpeopleonthestreetfornoreason. Asachild,IusedtowonderifCharlieMcCarthyhadlittlewoodenballs. ADVENTURESINTHESUPERMARKET

Haveyoueverselectedaniteminthesupermarketandputitinsomeoneelsescart?Thenyourealize whatyouredoingandyougetsortofanalienfeeling? Wait!Thisisnotmycart.Lookatthis!Brownflourandsheepentrails.God,Ialmostputmycapersin thiscart.Wheresmine?Oh,thereitis!Theonewiththetapiocacupcakesandthemangopopsicles. ThankGod. Orhaveyoueverstartedtowalkoffwithsomeoneelsescart? Hey!Thatsmystuff! Youhavetothinkfast.Notyetitisnt!Itsnotpaidfor.Technically,thesethingsstillbelongtoallof us.AndifIfeellikeshoppingoutofyourcart,thatswhatIlldo.Letssee,anyorganicscallionsin there?Whatsthis?Elkmilk?Thatllbejustfine.Youmayleavenow. Ivefoundthebestwaytoshopforfoodistoworkupareallybigappetite.Fastforseveraldays,smoke acoupleofjoints,take$700...andgotothesupermarket!Itsgreat.Youbuyeverything! Wow,cannedbread!JustwhatIneed! Andallthegoodthings,thethingsyoureallyloveandcantdowithout?Well,youbuytwoofthem, becauseyouknowyouregoingtoeatoneofthemonthewayhomeataredlight. Shoppinghungryisgreat;youjustkeeploadingthingsintoyourcart.Butthen,afterseveralaisles,you realizeyoumayhaveoverdoneit:Youfindyourselfpushingamotorcadeofthreecarts,alltiedtogether withlongloopsofstringcheese.Onceagain,youvelostcontrol. Andso,asyourealizeyoudonthaveenoughmoneytopayforeverything,youbegintoputbacksome ofthemoreexpensiveitems.Likemeat.

Meat?Twentysevendollars?Bullshit!Illputbackthesesteaksandgrabafewmorepoundcakes. Thekidsshouldntbeeatingmeat,anyway. Thenicestthingaboutputtingthingsbackinthesupermarketisthatyoucanputthemanywhereyou want.Noonecares.YoucanleavetheRobitussinnexttothehamhocksandstickthemarshmallowsin withtheBaconBits.Theydontcare.Theyhavepeoplewhocomearoundatmidnighttostraighten thatstuffout,andinthemorningeverythingisbackwhereitbelongs. Bytheway,nexttimeyoushopatasupermarketinaneighborhoodthathashigherthanaverage marijuanause,takealookatthecookiesection.Combatzone.Halfthepackageshavebeenopened, andallthereallygoodcookiesaregone. WherethehellaretheMallomars? Oh,wecantgetMallomarsintothestore.FolkslineupattheloadingdockforMallomars. Therearealwaysplentyofcrappycookies.Youevernoticethat?Shitty,lowpricedlocalcookies?Like JimsHomeStyleCookies.Twentysixvarieties.Isay,Damn,Jim,ifyoucantmakecookiesin twentyfivetriesleavemeout. Timetoheadhome,folks.LetsgetonthecheckoutlinehereandreadPeoplemagazine.Bytheway,I mustadmitImarealsuckeronthecheckoutline.Imanimpulsebuyer.Anythingthatsondisplay,I wantit.Ievenbuythingsotherpeopleleavebehind. Wow!Extraspicydietfudgeraisintartarsauce.Mustbeasale.Great.Igotthelastone! Onelastthought:haveyoueverbeenontheexpresslineandtriedtoconvincethetoughlooking Hispanicgirlwiththetattoosthattwentysevenpackagesofhotdogsarereallyjustoneitem?Im alwaysgratefulwhenshefinallygivesin.Goahead,mister,itsquickerthanbeatingtheshitoutof you. WELL,ATLEASTTHEPLATEWASBLUE

 Ioftenwonderwhytheresnobluefood.Everyothercoloriswellrepresentedinthefoodkingdom: cornisyellow,spinachisgreen,raspberriesarered,carrotsareorange,grapesarepurple,and mushroomsarebrown.Sowheresthebluefood? Anddontbothermewithblueberries;theyrepurple.Thesameistrueofbluecornandblue potatoes.Theyrepurple.Bluecheese?Nicetry.Itsactuallywhitecheesewithbluemold. Occasionally,youmightrunacrosssomeblueJellOinacafeteria.Donteatit.Itwasntsupposedto beblue.Somethingwentwrong. FUSSYEATER WhenIwasakid,Iwasafussyeater.Thatswhattheycalleditatourhouse. Hesafussyeater. Fussyeaterisaeuphemismforbigpainintheass.Theydtrotoutsomefood,andIdsay,I dont likethat. Why? Idontknow.IknowIdontlikeit.AndIknowthatifIateit,Iwouldlikeitevenless. Well,Ilikeit.Mmmmm!Yumyum! Hey,Ma.Youlikeit?Youeatit!

Sometimestheywouldtrytocornermewithlogic:Well,howdoyouknowyoudontlikeit,ifyouve nevereventriedit? Itcametomeinadream.Bigpainintheass. SomethingsIdidntlikebecauseofthewaytheysounded. Dontsoundrighttome,Ma.Saythatagain? Asparagus. No,Idontlikethat.Imagine.Igotawaywiththatforeightornineyears. Tothisday,therearestillsomethingsIwonteatbecauseofhowtheysound.Yogurtsounds disgusting. Icanteatanythingthathasbothayandaginit.Squashisalsobadlynamed. Youwantsomesquash?Soundslikesomeonesatondinner. Howwouldyoulikeanicetonguesandwich?Itsmadefromslicesofacowstongue. Hey,Ma,areyoufuckintryintomakemesick? Therearealsofoodsthatsoundtoofunnytoeat.Likeguacamole.Itsoundslikesomethingyouyell whenyoureonfire.Holyguacamole!Myassisburnin!Orwhenyoucantrememberthename ofsomething.Ed,wheresthatlittleguacamolethatplugsintothelamp?Anotherfoodtoofunnyto eat:garbanzobeans.Soundslikeacrobats.Ladiesandgentlemen,fromCorsica,thefabulous Garbanzos!Ontheotherhand,thereweresomefoodsIdidntlikebecauseofhowtheylooked.That seemsabitmorerational.

Idontlikethat!Itdontlookrighttome.Didyoumakethat,Ma?Yeah?Isthereapictureofitinthe cookbook?Illbetitdontlooklikethat.Ofcourse,somepeoplewilleatanything,nomatterhowit looks.Isawguyslikethatonthechowlinein thearmy.Hi,boys!Whaddayagot?Illeatanything.Whatsthatcalled?Nevermind,gimmeawhole bunchof it.Itsratsasshole,Don.Well,itsuremakesahellofafondue.Notme.Idonteatanything Idontrecognizeimmediately.IfIhavetoaskquestions,Ipass.Imnotat dinnertomakeinquiries.GimmesomethinIrecognize.Likeacarrot.IknowIcantrustacarrot.Now, therearesomefoodsthateventhoughIknowwhattheyare,Istilldontliketheirlooks.Tomatoes,for instance.Mymainproblemwithtomatoesisthattheydontlookasthoughtheyrefullydeveloped. Theylookliketheyrestillinthelarvalstage;thousandsoftinyseedsandawholelotofjellylookin slime.Getitoffmyplate!Itsslimy!Itslikethatstuffattheendofanegg. Ofcourse,Iknowitsnottheendofanegg...itsthebeginningofachicken!!Itshencome! Eeeeaaaaghhh!Getitoffmyplate!Oh,Imfuninthecoffeeshop.Lobstersandcrabsdontlooklike foodtome,either.Anythingwithbigpincherscrawlingtowardme sidewaysdoesntmakemehungry.Infact,myinstinctisSteponthatfuck!Steponhimbeforehe gets tothechildren!AndIdefinitelycannoteatoysters.Notfortheusualreasontheirsimilarityto snotbutbecausewhenIlookatthewholeoysterIthink,Hey,thatsalittlehouse.Somebodylivesin there.Imnotgonnabreakinonaguyjusttohaveameal.Hemightbemakingapearl.Maybehejust broughthomea doityourselfpearlkitandclearedoffthediningroomtable.WhoamItointerferewiththeplansofan oyster? RUNNINGHOTANDCOLD Therefrigeratorbutterwarmerisastrangeinvention.Originally,humanswerecoldsotheybuiltawarm enclosure.Ahouse.Coldoutside,warminsidethehouse.Everythingwasfineuntiltheyrealizedthat insidethewarmenclosurethemeattendedtospoil.Sotheybuiltacoldenclosurea refrigeratorinsidethewarmenclosure.Warminthehouse,coldintherefrigerator.Everythingwas fineuntiltheyrealizedthatinsidethecoldenclosurethebuttergottoohardtospread.Sotheybuiltan evensmallerwarmenclosureabutterwarmerinsidethecoldenclosure,whichwasalreadyinsidethe largerwarmenclosure.Strange.

ICEBOXMAN AroundourhouseImknownasIceboxMan.Oneofmydutiesiskeepingpeoplefromstandingtoo longwiththeiceboxdooropenwhiletheydecidewhattoeat.Youknow,someonesmokesthreejoints anddecidestoinventorytherefrigerator.Drivesmecrazy. Closethefuckindoor,willya?Yourelettingoutallthecold.Herestwentydollars,godowntothe BurgerKing!Illsavethatmuchonelectricity.Closethegoddamndoor!Ifyoucantdecidewhatyou want,takeaPolaroidpicture,gofigureitout,andcomebacklater.Youkidsarelucky.Wedidnthave Polaroids,wehadtomakeanoilpainting. Itrynottoletthemgetmedown,though,becauseIceboxManhasanevenbiggerjob:pickingthrough therefrigeratorperiodically,decidingwhichitemstothrowaway.Mostpeoplewonttakethat responsibility;theygrabwhattheywantandleavetherest.Theyfigure,Someoneissavingthat; soonerorlateritllbeeaten.Meanwhilethething,whateveritis,isgrowingsmalleranddenserand hasbecomepermanentlyfusedtotherefrigeratorshelf. Well,folks,IceboxManiswillingtomakethetoughdecisions.AndIneveractalone;Ialwaysincludethe family. Inoticesomeeggsaladthatsbeenhereforawhile.AreweengagedinmedicalresearchIhavent beentoldabout? MayIassumefromthecolorofthismeatloafthatitsbeingsavedforSt.PatricksDay? Someonepleasecallthemuseumandhavethisoniondipcarbondated. HowaboutthismultihuedJellOfromChristmas?ItsJulynow.Ifnoonewantsthis,Imgoingto throwitaway.

Didyourmothereverpullthatstuffonyou?OfferyousomefoodthatifyoudidnteatitshewasJust goingtothrowitaway?Well,doesntthatmakeyoufeeldandy? Heressomethingtoeat,Petey.Hurryup,itsspoiling!Bobby,eatthisquickly;thegreenpartis spreading.Ifyoudonteatit,Imgoingtogiveittothedog.Itssonicetobeaheadofthedogin thefoodchain. IceboxManhashadsomeinterestingexperiences.Haveyoueverbeenlookingthroughtherefrigerator andcomeacrossacompletelyemptyplate?Nothingonitbutacoupleoffoodstains?Itsunnerving.I thinktomyself:Couldsomethinghaveeatensomethingelse?MaybetheSpamatetheolives.Maybe thathalfeatenchickenisntreallydead.Heslivingonourfood.SometimesIpicturealittlemouse inaparka,hidingbehindthemustard,waitingfortherefrigeratorlighttogooffsohecanresumehis coldweatherforaging. Probablytheworstexperienceisreachingintotherefrigeratorandfindingsomethingyousimplycannot identifyatall.Youliterallydonotknowwhatitis.Itcouldbemeat;itcouldbecake.Atthosetimes,Itry tobluff. Honey?Isthisgood? Whatisit? Idontknow!Iveneverseenanythinglikeit.Itlookslike,well,itlookslike...meatcake! Smellit! Ithasnosmellwhatsoever. Thatmeansitsgood!Putitback.Someoneissavingitforsomething.Thatswhatfrightensme; thatsomeonewillconsideritachallengeanduseitinsoup.Simplybecauseitsthere.

 Itsaleftover.Whatasadword:leftover. Butthinkaboutthis.Leftoversmakeyoufeelgoodtwice.First,whenyouputthemaway,youfeelthrifty andintelligent:Imsavingfood!Then,amonthlater,whenbluehairisgrowingoutoftheham,and youthrowitaway,youfeelreallyintelligent:Imsavingmylife! DOGMOMENTS#3 BigDog,LittleDog Dogscomeinallsizes.Therearelotsoflittledogs,andlotsofbigdogs.AndwhenIsaybigdogs,I dontmeanjustbigdogs.ImeanBIG,FUCKIN,HUGEGODDAMNDOGS!Somepeoplegothugedogs thatlookmorelikelivestock.Dogsthatoughtabewearincommerciallicenseplates. Whatthehellisthat? Thatsmydog. Jesus,man,heblockedoutthesun! ThatsTiny.HesaGreatAlaskanHorseMooseDog.Sayhello,Tiny.No,no!Tiny!Puttheman down!Baddog! Littledogsaredifferent.Littledogsjumpallaround,andtheirlegsmoverealquick.Theygotthoseteeny littlelegs.Theygotlegsthatifyoufeelaroundunderthefuritslikeapepperonistickunderthere. Sometimestheyjumpuphigh.Someofemcanjumpclearupontoarealhighbed. [Boing!] Holyshit,whatajump!Lemmeseeyadothatagain. Puthimbackonthefloor. [Boing!] God,Icantbelieveit.Cmon,onemoretime.

Backontothefloor. [Boing!] AndImakehimkeepdoinitanddoinit,overandover,untilhegetsalltiredoutandcantquite reachthebedanymore.Ilethimfallshortafewtimesandcrashbackontothefloor.Thenandonly then,ifIdecideIwanthimonthebed,Iputhimuptheremyself.Itsmydecision;Ibuythedogfood. FleekyDisappoints Besides,ifyoudoallowhimonthebed,soonerorlaterhellcreateanincident.Beforetheeveningis over,hewillforceoneofthehumanstoturntotheotherandsay, Honey,didyoufart? Notme.Ithoughtyoufarted. Notme!Phewww!Thatsnotevenoneofmyfarts!Itoldyou,Ivegotfourfarts.MyHeinekens fart,mybroccolifart,myricepuddingfart,andmynondairycreamerfart.AndthefartImsmellin rightnowisdefinitelynotoneofmine. [Sniffing] Waitaminute.Iknow!Thedogfarted!!Fleekyfarted!Fleeky,whydidyoufart?Lookathim!Lookhow guiltyhelooks.Heknowshefarted.Iseenhisassholeopenup.Iseenit.What?Well,Ijusthappenedto belookinathisassholebychance,thatsall.Whatkindofaquestionisthat?Iwassimplyglancinat hisasshole,andIsawitopenup.Ithoughthewasdoinsomekindadeepbreathingexercise.Ihadno ideahewasintochemicalwarfare. SHORTTAKES IdontmindleavingmyhouseaslongasIdonthavetolookatalotofunattractiveAmericansinthe process.Visors,logohats,fatthighs,beerbellies,badhaircuts,haltertops,cheapsneakers,camcorders, andunattractivechildrenwearingblankexpressions.God,thesepeopleareugly.Istayhomealot. IalwaysrefertoanyindividualmemberoftheRedSoxasaRedSock.Isthiscorrect?

 America:wheretheIrish,English,Germans,Scandinavians,Poles,andItaliansallcametogethertokill Indians,lynchniggers,andbeattheshitoutofspicsandJews. Nextguywhosaystome,Baddaboom,baddabing,isgettinkickedrightinthefuckinnuts. IwasoneofthepeopleatWoodstockwhotookthebrownacid.Lemmetellya,therewasnothing wrongwithit. NEVERFORGET,HITLERWASACATHOLIC. Herewouldbeagoodepitaphforsomeguy:Iwanteveryonetoknowitwasgreatbeingalive,andI reallyenjoyedmyself.Iespeciallyenjoyedfuckingandgoingtothemovies. Ifyoulistentohisvoicecarefullywithoutlookingatthescreen,TedKoppelsoundslikehestakinga shit. Theresathingcalledshakenbabysyndromethatpeoplegetupsetabout.Personally,Ithinkyouhave togiveemagoodshake,ortheydontbakeuniformly. TheGoldenGateBridgeshouldhavealongbungeecordforpeoplewhoarentquitereadytocommit suicidebutwanttogetinalittlepractice. Ifamovieisdescribedasaromanticcomedyyoucanusuallyfindmenextdoorplayingpinball. SomehowIenjoywatchingpeoplesuffer. Mymostfrequentsexfantasy:toworkinadelicatessenandhaveawomancomeinandaskmetogive herapoundoftongue. AndIdsay,Well,Idontgetofftillfouroclock. Andshedsay,Well,Idontgetoffatall,thatswhyIwantsometongue. IftheydecidetocoverViagraunderMedicare,wellallbepayingforotherpeopleshardons.

Youknowwhattheyoughttohave?MotherfuckersDay.ThedayafterMothersDayoughttobe MotherfuckersDay.Actually,whenyouthinkaboutit,FathersDayisMotherfuckersDay. Attentionmen:Thedumblookingshavedheadthinghasfinallyplayedout.Tryfindingsomeotherway ofpretendingtobecoolanddifferent. Inapplyingthestereotypethatalloldpeopleareslowthinkinganddullwitted,whatsoften overlooked isthatmanyofthesepeoplewereslowthinkinganddullwittedthroughouttheirlives.Atthispoint theyresimplyolderversionsofthesameunimpressivepeople. Mymainoperatingprinciple:Donttakeanyshitfromthezeitgeist. Historyisnothappenstance;itisconspiratorial.Carefullyplannedandexecutedbypeopleinpower. Themayflylivesonlyoneday.Andsometimesitrains. Youknowwhatyouneverhearaboutanymore?Quicksand.WhenIwasakid,moviesandcomicbooks hadquicksandallthetime.Whathappened?Samethingwithwhirlpools.Youneverhearaboutsome guybeingsuckeddownintoawhirlpoolanymore.Imissthat. Ithinktheyoughttohaveblackconfetti.Itwouldbegreatforfunerals.Especiallyifthedeadperson wasnttoopopular. Ifyoureallywanttoputafaithhealertothetest,tellhimyouwantasmallershoesize. YouneverseemtogetlaidonThanksgiving.Ithinkitsbecauseallthecoatsareonthebed. IntheUnitedStates,anybodycanbepresident.Thatstheproblem. Youknowhowyoucantellwhenamothfarts?Whenhesuddenlyfliesinastraightline.

Doyourealizethatsomewhereintheworldthereexistsapersonwhoqualifiesastheworstdoctor?If youtookthetime,byprocessofeliminationyoucouldactuallydeterminetheworstdoctorintheworld. Andthefunnypartisknowingthatsomeonehasanappointmenttoseehimtomorrow. Ioftenthinkofsomethingmygrandfatherusedtosay.Hedtellme,Imgoinupstairsandfuck yourgrandma.Hewasareallyhonestman.Hewasntgoingtobullshitafiveyearold. Justbeyondtheedgeofthesolarsystem,intheOortCloud,theresaswarmofaboutatrillioncomets orbitingthesun.Letshopethatrightnowoneofthemisturningslightlyandpointingitselfdirectlyat Mississippi. ThepoliceinLosAngelessaidrecentlythatsomemanhadbeenstabbedintheSanPedroarea.Believe me,Iknowhowpainfulthatcanbe;Iwasoncebittentherebyadog.Itsespeciallypainfulwhenyou gotothebathroom. DoesntJonesborosoundtoyoulikeaplacewhereeveryonehasadrughabit? DOGMOMENTS#4 GimmeaNewOne Ilovemydog.Iloveallmydogs.EverydogIeverhad,Istillloveem.Andinmylife,believeme,Ihave hadmeabunchofgoddamndogs.Becauseyoukeepongettinanewone,dontya?Itstrue.Aslife goeson,youkeepgettinonenewdogafteranother.Thatsthewholesecretoflife.Lifeisaseriesof dogs. Sometimesyoucangetadogthatlooksexactlyliketheoneyouhadbefore.Itstrue.Ifyoushop aroundalittle,youcanfindyouadogidenticaltoyourformerdog.Youjustbringthedeadoneintothe petshop,throwhimuponthecounter,andsay,Gimmeanotheroneofthese.And,byGod,theyll giveyouacarboncopyofyourexgoddamndog.Andthatsrealhandy,becausethenyoudonthave togoaroundyourhousechanginallthepictures.

 Thatsthenicethingaboutdogs.Theydontlivetoolong,andyoucangoandgetanewone. DoggieNoseBest Mostpeopleknowthebestsizedogtohaveisakneehigh,midsizedog.Itstheidealpet.Because wheneversomeniceladycomestovisityou,thefirstthingthatdogdoesisputhisnoserightinher crotch. Hi,Mrs.Effington. Hi,Stuart,howsthe...oooooh!Ooooooh!Whatafriendlydog.Oooohhhh!Youknow,Illbethe smellsmydog. Imnotsure,Mrs.Effington.Judginbywherehesplacedhisnose,Idsayhesgotacompletely differentanimalinmind.Youdontbyanychanceownapussy,doya? No.Imean...well,no! Somepeoplegetembarrassedbythatnosecrotchbehavior.Thedogownerwilloftenfallallover himselftryingtosaveface. Stopthat,Bongo!Stopit!Imawfullysorry,Marzell.Hesusuallysopolite.Youmustanotbathed. Notme,folks;Ineverapologize.Imafunlovinguy.Isay,Getinthere,Bongo!Getyourselfsomeof that.Sniffitout.Listen,Marzell,wouldyoumindspreadinyourlegsalittlebit,sohecangetsome sniffinroom?Plantyourfeetaboutthreefeetapart,wouldya?Thatsit.Good.Airthatthingout. Okay!So,howseverythinggoindownatthechurch?Good.Allright,Bongo,nowgoaroundbackand sniffthatotherthing.Sorry,Marzell,therestwosmellshelikes,andoneofemsintheback. Whatsthat?Yougottago?Well,Imawfullysorry.Listen,beforeyougo,youwouldntbewillinto

letBongohaveaboutthirtysecondsonyourleg,wouldya?No,Ididntthinkso.Okay,noproblem.You takecare, andtellthereverendBongosayshello. Thosedogsarereallygreat.Theyhelptobreaktheicewhenanewneighborcomestocall. Hi,weretheBelchingtons.Ooooooh!Whatshisname? Ballsniffer.Hesacrotchhound.Lemmeknowifyouwannagetcircumcised;hesondutyround the clock. GivetheLittleDogaBigHand WhentheyshowadogonTV,doyoutrytogetyourdogtolookathim?Dontyouwantyourdogto seethedogonTV?Ido. Lookatthedoggie!Lookatthedog!Overthere!OnTV!Look! Hewontlook.EvenifyoutrytotwisthisheadaroundandpointittowardtheTV,hewontlook. Overthere!Turnyourhead!Look!OnTV!Lookatthedog!Goddamnit,youasshole!Lookatthe fuckindog!! Theyneverlookwhereyouwant.Ifyoupointatsomething,theyjuststareatyourhand.Youtrytoshow themsomethinginteresting,andtheythinkyoureshowingthemyourhand.

Therehegoesagain,showingmehishand.Whydoeshedothat?Iguesshesreallyproudofit.Uh oh!Nowhestwistingmyheadaround.Owww!Jeez,whatdidIdonow? Well,foronethingyoucompletelymissedthedogonTV. ACrackerJackMeal AlongtimeagoIhadalittledognamedTippy.AndonetimewhenIwasdoindrugs,IfedTippya wholebunchofCrackerJack,becausethatswhatIwashavin.CrackerJackandtapwater.Seemed likeareasonablemealtome.AndeventhoughTippywasalittledog,sheateabouttwoboxesof CrackerJack.Andthenextday,whenItookheroutforawalk,shesquattedandstrainedandgrunted andshook,andyouknowwhat?ByGod,insteadoftakingashit,shetookaCrackerJack!Rightinfront ofmyeyesIsawfullyformed,undigestedCrackerJackcomingoutofmydog! Well,youknowme,Imapracticalguy.Ikeptwaitinforthelittlesurprisetocomeout,hopinit wouldntbeawhistleorabirdcall.Ifiguretheresacertainamountofbasichygieneyoucant ignore. NOTEXACTLYMARTHASTEWART Didyourdogevereatawholebunchofbrightlycoloredballoons,andwhenhetookashititturnedout toberealfestivelooking?OrmaybeatChristmashedeatsometinseloffthetreeandtakeadump nearthemanger,anditwouldglistenwithlightfromtheyulelog,fillingyourheartwithChristmas spirit?Isntitgreat? Dogsareaconstantsourceofentertainment.Didyoueverhaveadogwhoatecatturds?Someofthem do.Somedogswilleatcatturds.Ofcourse,yougottahaveacat;youcantbegoindowntothe supermarketandbuyincatturds.

Butitstrue.Sometimesadogwilleatcatturds.Dontlethimlickyourfacethatday.Gethimabottle ofListerine,andmakehimgargle.Pouritdownhisthroatandtellhimtohowl.Thenyoucanlethimlick you. Onemorethingaboutdogchow,andthisincludesalittlehouseholdhintthatllhelpyoukeepyour lawnneatandclean.Feedyourdogrubberbands.Justmixtenorelevenrubberbandsinwithhisfood. Hewontcare.Helleatanythingaslongasitsmixedinwithsomethinghelikes. Feedhimabunchofrubberbands,andthenwhenhetakesashit,youllnoticetheresahandylittle rubberloopstickinoutofoneendoftheturd.Then,allyougottadoispickuptheloop,swingthat turdaround,andthrowitinthenextyard.Tellyourneighboritsanewthing:flyinglawnfood. HAVEANICEDAY Idonthavenicedaysanymore.Idontbotherwiththat.Imbeyondtheniceday;IfeelIve outgrownthewholeidea.Besides,Ivealreadyhadmyshareofnicedays.WhyshouldIbehogging themall?Letsomeoneelsehaveafew. Naturally,everyonestillwantsmetohaveone.EverypersonImeetwantsmetohaveaniceday. Especiallyclerks. Haveaniceday. Yeah,yeah,yeah.Youwannagimmemyfuckinchange,please?Imtripleparked! Someofthemarereallyinsistent. Isaidhaveaniceday!Doit! Allright,allright!Illgiveitashot. ThatsthetroublewithHaveaniceday.Itputsallthepressureonyou.Nowyouhavetogooutand somehowarrangetohaveapositiveexperience.Allbecauseofsomelooselippedclerk. Haveaniceday,indeed!MaybeIdontfeellikehavinganiceday.MaybejustmaybeIvehad twentysevennicedaysinarow,andImreadyforacrappyday.Youneverhearthat,doyou? Haveacrappyday!

Why,thankyou.Rightbackatya!Andtoyourwonderfulfamilyaswell! Acrappyday;thatwouldbeeasy.Notroubleatall.Noplanninginvolved.Justgetoutofbedandstart movingaround. Ithinkwhatbothersmemostaboutthewholenicedaythingisthatwordnice.Itsaweak word.Itdoesnthavealotofcharacter.Nice. Isnthenice?Heissonice.Andshesnicetoo!Isntthatnice?Hownicetheyare! Idontcareforit.Itslikefine.Anotherweakword. Howareyou? Fine. Bullshit!Nobodysfine.Hairisfine. Howsyourhair? Fine. Thatmakesmoresensetome. Someguysaregreat!Youevermeetthoseguys? Thisisgreat!Isntthisgreat?Goddamn,thisisgreat!Look,theyregonnakillthatguy!Isntthat great? Notme.Imnotnice,Imnotfine,Imnotgreat.PeopleaskmehowIam,Idontgivethemany superlatives;nothingtogossipabout.ItellthemImfairlydecent.Orrelativelyokay.Imight say,Immoderatelyneato.AndifIminaparticularlyjauntymood,Illtellthem,Imnot unwell,thankyou. Thatonealwayspissesthemoff.Becausetheyhavetofigureitoutforthemselves. HELLOGOODBYE

 Wehavesomanywaysofsayinghello.Howdy,hithere,howareya,howyadoin,howsitgoin, howdoyado,whatsnew,whatsgoinon,whaddayathink,whaddayahear,whaddayasay, whaddayafeel,whatshappenin,whatsshakin,quepasa,whatsgoindown,andwhatitis? Youknowmyfavorite?Howsyourhammerhangin?Thatsagoodone,isntit?Doesntwork toowellwithwomen,though.Unlessyouretalkingtoaladycarpenter.Thenitsperfectlyacceptable. Ivealwayswantedtousethatoneonahighchurchofficial. Goodevening,YourHoliness.Howhangsthyhammer? Sofar,Ihaventhadtheopportunity. Theresoneformofsayinghellothatbothersme.Itswhenaguysays,Aretheykeepinyou busy?Itslikehethinkssomeonehastherighttocomearoundandgivemeoddjobs. Wheneveraguysays,Aretheykeepingyoubusy?Ialwaystellhim,Well,yourwifeiskeepingme prettybusy!Andthatseemstoholdhimforaboutahalfanhour. Ofcourse,wealsohavemanywaystosaygoodbye.Byebye,solong,seeyoulater,tata,becool,take iteasy,stayloose,hangin,takecare,andkeepontruckin.Youknowmyfavorite?Dontgetrun over.Well,Ifindsomepeopleneedpracticaladvice. Occasionally,someonewillsaytome,Haveagoodone!Ijustlaughandsay,Ialreadyhaveagood one.NowImlookingforalongerone!Andthatseemstoholdthemforaboutahalfanhour.

Thentherearealltheforeignwayswesaygoodbye.Somepeoplewhentheyleaveyou,theythinkthey havetogetfancy.Theywhipanarrivedercionyou.Oranaurevoir.Someguyssay,adios.Or theAmericanversion,Adios,motherfucker! InHawaiitheysay,aloha.Thatsaniceone.Itmeansbothhelloandgoodbye.Whichjust goestoshow,ifyouspendenoughtimeinthesunyoudontknowwhetheryourecomingorgoing. Doyouevergetinarutwithyourmannerofsayinggoodbyeandfindyourselfusingthesamephrase, overandover?Andyoubegintofeelalittlestupid? Forinstance,ifyoureleavingaparty,andyouhavetosaygoodbyetofiveorsixpeoplestandingina group,yousay,Okay,hey,takeiteasy.Okay,hey,takeiteasy.Okay,hey,takeiteasy.Okay,hey,take iteasy.Okay,hey,takeiteasy.Okay,hey,takeiteasy.Andyoufeellikeagoddamnmoron. YouknowwhatIdo?Everymonth,whetherIneedtoornot,IchangethewayIsaygoodbye;Istart usingadifferentphrase.Peoplelikethat.Theynoticethatlittleextraeffort.Theyllsaytome,Pardon me,butdidntyouusedtosayOkay,hey,takeiteasy? AndIsay,YesIdid.Butnotanymore.NowIsay,Farewell!Farewell,tillwemeetagain.Maythe forcesofevilbecomeconfusedonthewaytoyourhouse!Thatsastrongone,isntit?Peoplewill rememberyouifyoutalklikethat. Sometimes,forajoke,youcancombineseveralwaysofsayinggoodbyethatdontseemtogo together.LikeToodleoo,gowithGod,anddonttakeanywoodennickels.Thenpeopledont knowwhatthefuckyouretalkingabout. Oryoucanchoosetosaygoodbyeinarealisticmanner.Solong,Steve.Dontletselfdoubtinterfere withyourplanstoimproveyourlife. Well,somepeopleneedpracticaladvice. LOVEANDREGARDS

 Haveyounoticedthatquiteoftenwhenyouleavesomeonetheyaskyoutorelayanaffectionate messagetosomeoneelse?Theyllsay,GivemylovetoKlaus.TellKlausRebeccasendsherlove. Doyoumindthat?Doyoumindbeingusedthatway?Theawesomeresponsibilityofcarrying RebeccaslovetoKlaus?SupposeyoudontseeKlaus?WhatdoyoudowithRebeccaslove?Carryit around?Giveittosomeoneelse? Wilhelm!IcantfindKlaus,heressomeofRebeccaslove. SupposeWilhelmdoesntknowRebecca?Canhelegallyacceptherlove?Especiallywhenitwas originallyintendedforKlaus? OrsupposeyougiveWilhelmRebeccasloveforKlaus,andthenyourunintoKlaus,whatdoyougive him?AllyouhadwasRebeccaslove,andyouvealreadygoneandgiventhattoWilhelm.Canyou reasonablyaskWilhelmtogivebackRebeccaslove?Maybehesgottenusedtoitbynow.CanKlaus sueWilhelm?CanWilhelmbearrested?Canyoubearrestedfortransportingloveacrossastateline? Allright,backtoreality.Justforthesakeofargument,letsleaveWilhelmoutofthisaltogether. SupposeRebeccagivesyouherlovetogivetoKlaus,andyoudoseeKlaus,whatformshouldthelove take?CanyouriskgivingKlausatonguekiss?Whichbringsupanotherpossibility:maybeKlausisgay. KlausdoesntwantRebeccaslove,KlauswantsWilhelmslove!IfKlaustellsyoutogivehisloveto Wilhelm,justtellhim,Bullshit,Klaus.YougiveyourownlovetoWilhelm.ImgoingtofindRebecca! Now,sometimespeopledontquitewantyoutogivetheirlovetosomeoneelse;theyonlywantyouto givetheirregards.Thatsalltheyresendingthatday.Regards.Thatsnotasimportantaslove,is it?No.Bytheway,doyoualwaysrelaythetypeofaffectionthesenderintends?Idont.Generally,I waittillthelastminuteandthendecidewhattheotherpersondeserves. Forinstance,Susanmightsaytome,GivemylovetoDave.Well,ImightnotfeelDaveisdeservingof Susanslove.Davemightbeoneofthosepeoplewhopissmeoff.Illprobablyjustgivehimafew regards;keephiminhisplace.Ifeelitsmydecision.Afterall,Imtheonewhosdoingallthework.

AndifIreallydontliketherecipient,Imightreducethelevelofaffectionbyanevengreaterdegree. Susanmightsay,GiveallmylovetoDaveandtellhimIcantwaittoseehimagainsoIcanholdhim inmyarms,kisshissweet,softlips,andmakelovetohimallnight.AndIllsay,Dave!Susansays hello.ScrewDave!Thatswhathegetsforpissingmeoff. Thentherearetherecipientswhotrytoanticipatewhatdegreeofaffectiontheyregoingtoreceive. DidSusansendherlove? No,Dave.Sheonlysentherregards. Thatsfunny,usuallyshesendsherlove. Well,notthistime.Infact,shespecificallytoldme,DontgiveDaveanyofmylove.Itseems shes runningshortofloveandhastobecarefulwhomshegivesitto.However,shedidsayshes overstockedwithregardsandwantsyoutohaveawholebunchofthem.So,besatisfied,Dave.Take yourregards,andgetthefuckoutofmylife! Well,heshoulddamnwellbesatisfiedwithregards;itsalotbetterthansimplybeingsentsomeones best.Therearesomepeoplewhojustsendyoutheirbest. GivemybesttoDave. Yourbestwhat,Susan?Ifthisisyourbest,perhapsyoudbetterkeepittoyourself. Andyet,receivingsomeonesbestisbetterthansimplybeingrememberedto,isntit?Thats the lowestofall.Hardlywortheventellingthepoorperson. RemembermetoDave. Okay. Dave?YourememberSusan? Yes. Well,sheremembersyou,too. Thatsit,myjobisdone.ImoffnowtofindTex,soIcantellhimBillyBobsaidHowdy.

Onefinalthing.Therearetimeswhensomeonewantsyoutoconveymorethansimplylove.Theywant youtogivesomeoneabighugandkiss.Nowtheyvegotyoutraffickinginsex. GiveJoachimabighugandakissforme. Usuallyitswomen.Ifindthatwomenareabitmoreexpressiveattimeslikethese.Andsometimes theyrereallyexplicit. Byebye,Elena.Drivecarefully.GiveFlacoaniceblowjobforme.Anddontforgettolickhis asshole! Okay,Belinda.ButnexttimeletsgetKlaustotakecareofthat! EXPRESSIONSIQUESTION Therearemanyexpressionswetakeforgranted.Weusethemallthetime,yetneverexaminethem carefully.Wejustsaythemasiftheyreallymadesense. Legallydrunk.Well,ifitslegal,whatstheproblem?Leavemealone,officer,Imlegallydrunk! Youknowwhereyoucanstickit.Whydoweassumeeveryoneknowswheretheycanstickit?Suppose youdontknow?Supposeyoureanewguy,andyouhaveabsolutelynoideawhereyoucanstickit?I thinkthereoughttobeagovernmentbookletentitledWheretoStickIt.NowthatIthinkofit,Ibelieve thereisagovernmentbookletlikethat.TheysendittoyouonApril15. Undisputedheavyweightchampion.Well,ifitsundisputed,whatsallthefightingabout?Tome, undisputedmeansweallagree.Hereyouhavetwomenbeatingtheshitoutofoneanotherover somethingtheyapparentlyagreeon.Makesnosense.

Itsthequietonesyougottawatch.EverytimeIseeatelevisionnewsstoryaboutamassmurderer,the guysneighboralwayssays,Well,hewasveryquiet.AndsomeoneImwithsays,Itsthequiet onesyougottawatch. Thissoundslikeaverydangerousassumption.Illbetanythingthatwhileyourebusywatchingaquiet one,anoisyonewillkillyou. Supposeyoureinabar,andoneguyissittingoverontheside,readingabook,notbotheringanybody. Andanotherguyisstandingupatthefront,banginamacheteonthebar,screamin,Imgonnakill thenextmotherfuckerwhopissesmeoff! Whoyougonnawatch? Lockhimupandthrowawaythekey.Thisisoneyouhearalotfrommen.Menliketotalkthatway;it makesemfeeltough.AguyseesarapistontheTVnews,hesays,Youseethatguy?Theyoughta lockhimup,andthrowawaythekey. Thisisreallystupid.Firstofall,everytimetheguysgottatakeashit,youregonnahavetocallthe locksmith.Ifhesinprisonthirtyyears,evenifheseatingovernmentcheese,itsgonnacostyoua fortune. Second,wheredoyouthrowthekey?Rightoutinfrontofthejail?Hisfriendsllfindit!Howfarcanyou throwakey?Fifty,sixtyfeetthemost.Evenifyouholditflatonitssideandscaleit,whaddayaget?An extratenfeet,tops!Thisisastupidideathatneedstobecompletelyrethought. Downthetubes.Thatsoneyouhearalot.Peoplesay,Thiscountryisgoindownthetubes.What tubes?Haveyouseenanytubes?Wherearethesetubes?Andwheredotheygo?Andhowcome theresmorethanonetube?Itwouldseemtomeforonecountryallyouneedisonetube.Doesevery statehavetohaveitsowntube?Onetubeisallyouneed. Butatubethatbig?Somebodywouldhaveseenitbynow.Somebodywouldvesaid,HeyJoey!Lookit thefuckintube!Bigassfuckintube,overhere!Youneverhearthat.Youknowwhy?Notubes!We donthavetubeone.Weare,sorrytosay,tubeless.

 Takesthecake.Boy,hereallytakesthecake.Where?Wheredoyoutakeacake?Tothemovies? YouknowwhereIwouldtakeacake?Downtothebakery,toseetheothercakes.Andhowcomehe takesthecake?Howcomehedoesnttakethepie?Apieiseasiertocarrythanacake.Easyaspie. Acakeisnottoohardtocarry,either.Pieceofcake. Thegreatestthingsinceslicedbread.Sothisisit?Acoupleofhundredthousandyears...slicedbread? WhataboutthePyramids?ThePanamaCanal?TheGreatWallofChina?Evenalavalamp,tome,is greaterthanslicedbread.Whatssogreataboutslicedbread?Yougotaknife,yougotaloafofbread. Slicethefuckinthing!!Andgetonwithyourlife. Outwalkingthestreets.Thisisanotheroneyouhearfrommen.Someguyseesarapistonthenews. Samerapistasbefore;onlythistimehesbeingreleased.Theguysays,Youseethat?Youseethat guy?Theyrelettinhimgo!Now,insteadofbeininprison,hesoutwalkinthestreets! Howdoweknow?Howdoweknowhesoutwalkinthestreets?Maybeheshomebanginthe babysitter.Noteverybodywhogetsaparoleisoutwalkinthestreets.Alotoftimestheystealacar. Weoughtabeglad.ThankGodhestoleacar.Atleasthesnotoutwalkinthestreets. Fineanddandy.Thatsanoldfashionedone,isntit?Yousaytoaguy,Howareya?Hesays,Fine anddandy.Notme.Ineversaythat.Youknowwhy?BecauseImneverboththosethingsatthe sametime.SometimesImfine.ButImnotdandy.Imightbeclosetodandy.Imightbeapproaching dandy.Imightevenbeinthegeneralvicinityofdandyhood.Butnotquitefullydandy.Othertimes,I mightindeedbehighlydandy.However,notfine.Onetime,1978.August.Foraboutanhour.Iwasboth fineanddandyatthesametime.ButnobodyaskedmehowIwas.Icouldatoldem,Fineand dandy!Iconsideritalostopportunity. Walkingpapers.Someguygetsfired,theysay,Well,theygavehimhiswalkinpaperstoday. Lemmeaskyousomething.Didyouevergetanywalkingpapers?Seriously?Believeme,inmylifeIgot firedalotoftimes.Inevergotanywalkinpapers.Inevergotapinkslip,either.YouknowwhatIwould get?Aguywouldcomearoundtomydeskandsay,Getthefuckouttahere!!Youdontneedpaper forthat.

Theriotact.Theykeepsayingtheyregoingtoreadthattoyou.Tellthetruth,haveyouheardthis thingatall?Ever? Itsespeciallyaproblemwhenyoureakid.Theyliketothreatenyou. Youwaitllyourfathercomeshome.Hesgonnareadyoutheriotact! Ohyeah?Well,tellhimIalreadyreaditmyself!AndIdidntlikeit!Iconsideritwordyandpoorly thoughtout.Ifhewantstoreadmesomethin,howaboutTheGentlemansGuidetotheGoldenAge ofTongueKissing? Morethanhappy.Illbetyousaythatsometimes.Illbetyousay,Oh,Idbemorethanhappytodo that.Howcanyoubemorethanhappy?Tome,thissoundslikeadangerousmentalcondition.We hadtoputLaszlounderphysicalrestraint;hewas...well,hewasmorethanhappy. Onemoreoftheseexpressions:Inyourownwords.Youhearitinclassrooms.Andcourtrooms.Theyll say,Tellus...inyourownwords...Doyouhaveyourownwords?Personally,Imusingtheones everybodyelsehasbeenusing.Nexttimetheytellyoutosaysomethinginyourownwords,say, Nigflotblornyquandofloon. SHORTTAKES Idonthearmuchofthatelevatormusicanymore.Whatsgoingon? ITSTIMETOSTARTSLAPPINGPEOPLE Dontyouthinktherewereprobablyalotofsingerswithgreatvoiceswhonevergotfamousbecause theyweretoouglytostandupandbeseeninpublic? IcantwaittoseeoneofthoseactorassholeswhodriveracecarsgetkilledonTV.

 Whydowomenweareveninggownstonightclubs?Whydonttheywearnightgowns? Ithinkmanyyearsagoanadvancedcivilizationintervenedwithusgeneticallyandgaveusjustenough intelligencetodevelopdangeroustechnologybutnotenoughtouseitwisely.Thentheysatbackto watchthefun.Kindoflikeahumanzoo.Andyouknowwhat?Theyregettingtheirmoneysworth. Afteryoudie,yourstuffbecomesyourpersonaleffects. GODBLESSUSALL.RIGHTINTHEMOUTH Ithinkpeopleshouldbeallowedtodoanythingtheywant.Wehaventtriedthatforawhile.Maybe thistimeitllwork. PeopleaskmeifIhaveanemailaddress,andIsay,www.fuckyou.com@blowme/upyourass.And theyseemtounderstand. MessagetotheDenverNuggetsregardingColumbineHighSchool:Theresnoreasontocancela sportingeventjustbecausesomekidskilleachother.Trytoconcentrateonbasketballandleavethe lifeanddeathshittosomeoneelse. Capitalismtriesforadelicatebalance:Itattemptstoworkthingsoutsothateveryonegetsjustenough stufftokeepthemfromgettingviolentandtryingtotakeotherpeoplesstuff. Baseballbatsarenowthepreferredweaponformanydruggangsandotherswhohaveabusinessneed toadministerbehavioralreminders.Theyrecheap,lethal,legal,untraceable,andhey!Itsthe nationalpastime. Dyingmusthavesurvivalvalue.Oritwouldntbepartofthebiologicalprocess.

 Whyisitthat,whenmakingreferencetosomethinginthepast,peopleoftenthinktheyhavetosay,I hopeImnotdatingmyself?Listen,ifyouresoembarrassedbyyouragetheresasimplesolution: openavein. Idonthavehobbies,Ihaveinterests.Hobbiescostmoney.Interestsarefree. Withallthepresidentialadministrationswevehad,Imsurethatbynowtheremusthavebeenat leastonepersonwho,besidesbeinginthecabinet,wasalsointhecloset. IdontlikeitwhenIminanaudienceandtheemceetellsustogivesomeoneawelcomespecificto thatcity:LetsallgettogetherandgivethislittleladyaniceToledowelcome.IveoftenthoughtifI werefromToledoitwouldbefunnowandthentogivesomeoneaBaltimorewelcome,justtobreakthe emceesballs.OrmaybeslipinanexoticBudapestwelcomewhennooneisexpectingit.OnethingI wouldneverdoisgivesomeoneaDallaswelcome.ThatswhatJFKgot.Dallaswelcomesdontlasttoo long. Yourarelyseeanelderlymidget.Apparentlytheirlifespansareshortertoo. APEARISAFAILEDAPPLE Youkeephearingthatsocietysgreatesttasksareeducatingpeopleandgettingthemjobs.Thats great.Twothingspeoplehatetodo:gotoschoolandgotowork. WebusyourselveswithmeaninglessgesturessuchasTakeOurDaughterstoWorkDay,whichapplies primarilytowhite,middleclassdaughters.Morehelpforthewrongpeople. Peopleseemtothinkthatiftheressomeproblemthatmakesthemunhappyinthiscountry,allthey havetodoisstageabigmarchandeverythingwillchange.Whenwilltheylearn?

Complaint:WheredidthisdumbassSammySosathumpingyourchest,kissingyourfingers,flashing thepeacesignnonsensecomefrom?Whatsthatstupidshitallabout?Geraldodoesavariationonit. Itstrikesmeaspretentious,meaningless,pseudoreligiousbullshit. Idontknowaboutyou,butIreallyhavenoproblemwithatrocities.Whatsthebigdeal?Lightenup. Canplaceboscausesideeffects?Ifso,arethesideeffectsreal? WhenhundredsofpeoplearekilledinanairplanecrashIalwayswonderifmaybetherewasntone guy,alittlebehindschedulethatday,whorandownthelastfewhundredyardsoftheairportconcourse tomaketheplaneontime.Andwhenhefinallysatdowninhisseat,outofbreath,hewasreallygladhe madeit.Andthenanhourlatertheplanegoesdown.Whatgoesthroughhismind?Doyouthinkmaybe inthoselastfewmoments,asheplungestotheEarthhewisheshedhadaheartattackwhilerunning throughtheairport? Whydotheybotherwithasuicidewatchwhensomeoneisondeathrow?Keepaneyeonthisguy. Weregonnakillhim,andwedontwanthimtohurthimself. InoticeatJewishweddingstheybreakaglass.YoueverbeentoanIrishwedding?Glasses,bottles, mirrors,tables,chairs,arms,legs,thebandinstruments,andthegroomsneck.Wedontfuckaround. Mazeltov! HOWSOONIS INTERMISSION? Irecentlyattendedanavantgardeplay.Hereswhatitsaidintheprogram: AnAnteater,aTireIronandaBlueHat byZalFenchley

 ActOne SCENE1Lauraslivingroom,severalweekslater. SCENE2Easter,aboardaTurkishwomansthigh. SCENE3Deepwithinthecolonofawoollymammoth.16,376B.C. SCENE4InsideasailorsshortsduringtheattackonPearlHarbor. ActTwo SCENE1OnaFrenchsidewalk,sixfeetfromescargotvomit. SCENE2InsideacondominHaifa.JewishNewYear. SCENE3Atyourauntshouse.Soon. ActThree SCENE1InaShrinershatbandfollowingoralsex. SCENE2DownwhereArturousedtolive.Notthatlongago. ActFour

 JohnLennontwosongs.(nottonight) HAVEAGOODTIME Youknowwhatbothersme?Peoplewhowanttoknowthetime.Theoneswhocomeupandaskme, Whattimeisit?asifI,personally,wereresponsibleforkeepingtrackofsuchthings. Sometimestheyphraseitalittledifferently.Theyllsay,Doyouhavethetime?AndIsay,No.I dontbelieveIdo.IcertainlydidnthaveitthismorningwhenIleftthehouse.Couldyoupossiblyhave leftitsomewhere?Youknow,nowthatyoumentionit,Ibelievethenavyhasthetime.InWashington. Theykeepitinanobservatoryorsomething,andtheyletalittleofitouteachday.Nottoomuch,of course.Justenough.Theywouldntwanttogiveustoomuchtime;wemightnotuseitwisely. Sometimes,inaplayfulmood,whenaskedifIhavethetime,Illsay,Yes,andsimplywalkaway. WhenIsIt,Anyway? IdothatbecauseIhatetodisappointpeople.Yousee,thereisnotime.Theresjustnotime.Idont mean,Werelate,theresnotime.Imean,thereisnotime. Afterall,whenisit?Doyouknow?Noonereallyknowswhenitis.Wemadethewholethingup.Itsa humaninvention.Therearenonumbersinthesky.Believeme,Ivelooked;theyrenotthere.We madethewholethingup. So,whenarewe?Sometimeswethinkweknowwhereweare,butwereallydontknowwhenweare. Forallweknow,itcouldbethemiddleoflastweek. Andthetimezonesarenohelp;theyrealldifferent.Infact,inpartsofIndiathetimezonesactually operateonthehalfhourinsteadofthehour.Whatisthatallabout?Doesanybodyreallyknowwhat timeitis?

WhatYearDoYouHave? AndnevermindapiddlylittlehalfhourdifferenceinIndia,howaboutthousandsofyears?Themajor calendarsdisagreebythousandsofyears.TotheChinese,thisis4699;theHebrewsthinkits5762;the Muslimsswearits1422.NotellingwhattheMayansandAztecswouldsayiftheywerestillaround.I guesstheirtimeranout. Remember,folks,thesearecalendarsweretalkingabout,instrumentsspecificallydesignedtokeep trackoftime.Andtheyrealldifferent.Andtheyrenotjustoffbyacoupleofweeks,thisisthousands ofgoddamnyearsweretalkingabout.Howdidthathappen? Ourcurrent(Gregorian)calendarissuchanamateurshowthateveryfouryearswehavetocraminan extradayjusttomakethewholethingwork.WecallitFebruary29.Personally,Idontbelieveit.Deep down,IknowitsreallyMarch1.Imean,itjustfeelslikeMarch1,doesntit? Buteventhatsimplequadrennialadjustmentdoesntfixthings,soevery100yearswesuspendthat ruleanddispensewiththeextraday.Unless,ofcourse,theyearisdivisibleby400,inwhichcasewe suspendthesuspensionandaddtheextraday.Butthatsstillnotquiteenough,soevery4,000years wesuspendthatruletoo,andbackcomesFebruary29! Hereshowwegottothissorrystate:TheJuliancalendarwasintroducedin46B.C.,theRomanyear 709,butitwasoffbyelevenminutesayear,soby1582therewasanaccumulatederroroftendays. Accordingly,thatyearPopeGregoryXIIIdecreedthatthedayfollowingOctober4wouldbecalled October15.Theyjustskippedtendays.Threwthemout.Officially,in1582,noonewasborninFrance, Italy,SpainorPortugalduringtheperiodOctober5throughOctober14.Weird,huh? Butevenweirder,BritaindidntadopttheGregoriancalendartill1752,whentheydroppedelevendays outofSeptember.SincethisalsoappliedtotheAmericancolonies,officially,noonewasbornherefrom September3throughSeptember13,1752.ExceptIndians.Bytheway,duringthatsameyearNew YearsDaywasmovedfromMarch25toJanuary1.Thewayithadbeenhandledbefore,forexample, wasthatMarch24,1750,wouldbefollowedbyMarch25,1751.Prettyfuckedup,huh?Andyou thoughtthatbigmillenniumpartyyouwenttowasbeingheldrightontime.

StayingintheNow Wetryhardtokeeptrackoftime,butitsfutile.Youcantpinitdown.Forexample,theresa momentcoming...itsnothereyet...itsstillinthefuture...itsontheway...ithasntarrived ...itsgettingcloser...hereitis...Ohshit,itsgone! Weusewordslikenow.Butitsauselessword,becauseeverytimeyousayit,itmeanssomething different. Canyoutellmethetime? Whichtimedidyouwant?Now?Orthetimeyouaskedme?Orhowaboutnow?Isthisthetimeyou want?Speakup,thisstuffisntstandingstill. Andthinkofthephrasejustnow. Didyouhearthat? What? Justnow. Youmean,Justthen. Yes,justthen.Wait,thereitisagain! When? Justnow. Everythingwethinkofasnowiseithertheveryrecentpastortheverynearfuture.Theresno present. Welcometothepresent.ZOOM!Goneagain! KeepItVague

Itsallsoimprecisethatpeoplesometimesdontbotherwithminutesandhoursatall;theykeep things purposelyvague. Whattimeyougot? Justafter. Justafter?Jeez,mywatchisslow.Igotgoinon. Itsamazinghowsomethingaspreciselycalibratedastimecanbedescribedsoloosely.Especially whereshortperiodsoftimeareconcerned.Wesayatonce,immediately,rightaway,just like that,notimeatall,nothingflat,atamomentsnotice.AndonethatIneverunderstood: BeforeyoucansayJackRobinson.Youdonthearthatmuchanymore,doyou?MaybeJackranout oftime.MaybehewasanAztec. Andletsnotforgetajiffy.Oraflash.Doyouknowwhichisquicker?Well,Ilookeditup;infact, therearetwojiffiesinaflash.Andtherearesixflashesinthetwinklingofaneye.Nooneseemstoknow howmanytwinklingsofaneyethereareintwoshakesofalambstail.And,bytheway,whyisittwo shakesofalambstail?Wouldntthebasicunitofmeasurementbeoneshakeofalambstail? AllofaSudden Anothervaguewordissoon.Forme,soonhasanemotionalquality;ithasgreatpotentialfor sadness. IsDaddyevercomingtovisitusagain? Yes. When? Soon. Heresaspookyone:Soonerthanyouthink.Wow!SoonerthanIthink.Thatslikebeforeyou knowit. Illbebackbeforeyouknowit.

ZOOM! Holyshit!Hedidit!! Soonerorlater,oneofthesedays,anydaynow,fromtimetotime,everynowand then,a littlewhile. Alittlewhileisnice.Sogentle.Illbehomeinalittlewhile.Thatwouldntbotheryou,would it?Ithinkanyonecouldwaitalittlewhile.Itdoesntsoundtoothreatening. Yourfatherissick,buthestillhasalittlewhile.Thatsdifferentfromashorttime.Ashort time soundsterminal. Yourfatherhasonlyashorttime. IfIwereabouttobeexecuted,Idmuchratherhavealittlewhilethanashorttime. AGoodTime Bytheway,doyouhaveafavoriteperiodoftime?Itisnteasytoselectafavoriteperiodoftime,there aresomanyappealingones.Ihaveafew. Tome,themostusefulperiodoftimeisfiveminutes.Thatseemstobetheonemostpeoplechoose whentheyrepressed.Illbethereinfiveminutes.Givemefiveminutes,willya?Whattaya, kiddin?Icouldfixthatthinginfiveminutes! Thatsallmostpeoplewant.Fiveminutes.Agood,solid,respectableperiodoftime.Anditgoesby

fast.IthinkIcoulddojustaboutanythingforfiveminutes.Eventhemostdistastefultask. LetsgotalktoGeorgeBush. Areyoukiddin?Hesanasshole. Look,justfiveminutes,okay? Okay,fiveminutes.Butnomore!AfterthatImgonnapuke. Fifteenminutesisapopularperiodoftime.Butithasaninstitutionalringtoit.Aregulatoryquality.It soundslikeitsassociatedwithsomethingeithercompulsoryorforbidden. Theexchangewindowwillonlybeopenforfifteenminutes. Youhavefifteenminutestofillouttheforms... Infifteenminuteswewillbecomingaroundand... Iliketwentyminutesbetter.Twentyminutessoundskindoffreeandsporty. Illbebacktopickupthosetestpapersinfifteenminutes.Thenyoullhaveatwentyminute break. Heyguys,covermewiththeboss,willya?Illbebackintwentyminutes. Twentyminutes.Justenoughtimetogetlaid. Haveagoodtime.

SHORTTAKES Whywasbrownexcludedfromtherainbow?Andwheredidindigocomefrom?Iwastaughttherewere threeprimarycolorsandthreesecondarycolors.Whatswiththisindigoshit? Afterthehurricaneisgone,wheredopeopleputallthatplywood? Standingovationshavebecomefartoocommonplace.Whatweneedareovationswheretheaudience membersallpunchandkickoneanother. Watchingtelevisionthesedays,Ioftenwonderwhathappenedtotheverticalholdknob.Imissthat. Dontyouhatewhenarockbandcomesonstageandapparentlythedrummerhasdecidedthat somehowitscooltowearafunnyhat? Theresastorenearmyhousewithasignthatsays,UnfinishedFurniture.Imustgointhere.Im looking foranicethreeleggedtable.Ifyoulivelongenough,everyoneyouknowhascancer.Ioncewasdancing withawomanwhotoldmeshehadayeastinfection.SoIaskedhertobakemea loafofbread. Whydontthesepeoplewholiveinhurricaneproneareasjustkeepsomebatteriesonhandathome? Seemslikeasimplethingtome.Therestoomuchlastminuteshopping.Imalwaysrelievedwhen someoneisdeliveringaeulogyandIrealizeImlisteningtoit.WhydontnetworkTVshowshavea warningthatsaysCaution:Youareabouttowatcharealpiece ofshit.Actually,theycouldjustleaveitonthescreenallthetime.Allmusicistheblues.Allofit.I thinkitwouldbeinterestingifoldpeoplegotantiAlzheimersdiseasewheretheyslowlybeganto recoverotherpeopleslostmemories.Electricityisreallyjustorganizedlightning.Youknowwhatthey oughttohaveonplanes?Apassengervoicerecorder.Sowecouldhearallthe screamingwhenaplanegoesdown.Imnotreallyinterestedinthecockpitrecorder;thepilotsare alwaystalkinabunchoftechnicalshitanyway.Butthepassengers!Thatwouldbefun.

Whenyourubyoureyesrealharddoyouseethatcheckerboardpattern?Whatisthat? Comingsoontoatheaternearyou.Actually,thereisnotheaternearyou.Lookaroundyourstreet. Isthereatheaternearyou? Attentioncertainwomen:Transportingchildrenisnotalicensetodriveslowly. Isawasignthatsaid,ComingSoona24HourRestaurant.AndIthought,Well,thatsunusual.Why wouldtheyopenandcloseitsoquickly?Atleasttryitforaweekortwo,andseeifyoucanbuilda clientele. Whyisitwhenthetwomaincharactersinanactionmoviehavetheirbigclimacticfightitalwaysturns outthatbothofthemarereallygoodfighters?Justonce,wouldntyouliketoseeafightbetweentwo leadingmalecharacterswhereoneofthemgetstheshitcompletelybeatoutofhiminabouteight seconds?Especiallythehero. Ivenoticedmyflaxbillisnottoohigh. Wouldsomeonepleaseexplaintomethesupposedappealofhavinggrandchildren?Peopleaskme, Areyouagrandfatheryet?asifitssomegreatthing.Imsureithasitscharms,andIimagine somedullwittedpeoplewanttoseetheirgenespassedalongjustforthesheernoveltyoftheidea.But overall,Idontgetit. Itsbeenonmymindforsometime,butIveneversaiditpublicly.Soheregoes:Vododeodoand ascoddiewoddiedoodahday.Thankyou. Boy,amIgladtofinallyberidofthatfuckinMotherTeresa. Masturbationisnotillegal,butifitwere,peoplewouldprobablytakethelawintotheirownhands.

 Itusedtobeyougotatattoobecauseyouwantedtobeoneofthefewpeoplewhohadatattoo.Now yougetatattoobecauseyoudontwanttobeoneofthefewpeoplewhodonthaveatattoo. JustwhenIdiscoveredthemeaningoflife,itchanged. PeopleinWashingtonsayitsnottheinitialoffensethatgetsyouintrouble,itsthecoverup.They sayyoushouldadmitwhatyoudid,getthestoryout,andmoveon.Whatthisoverlooksisthefactthat mostofthetimethecoverupworksjustfine,andnobodyfindsoutathing.Iwouldimaginethatsthe ruleratherthantheexception.Myadvice:Takeachance.Lie. TheIQandthelifeexpectancyoftheaverageAmericanrecentlypassedeachothergoinginopposite directions. Hotelfun:Smokeabigfatjointandthenwatchacomplexspymoviewithalotofcharactersandplot twists.Thenafewweekslateratadifferenthotel,smokeanotherjointandwatchthesamemovie.Its likeseeingawholenewfilm.Buttherealfunisthatabouteveryfifteenminutessomethinghappensin theplotthatyouseemtoknowalready.Itsanoddfeeling.Bytheway,thisexercisecanprobablybe repeatedindefinitelywiththesamemovie.Aslongasthegrassholdsout. throughheavyclothing.Broccolikillsthelittleones,theonesthatareslowlyeatingyouawayfrom inside.Whileyourgoofy,halfeducateddoctorkeepstellingyou,Youredoinfine,Jim. Infact,bringyourdoctorabowlofbroccoli,hesprobablygotcancer,too.Probablypickeditupfrom you.Theydontknowwhattheyredoing.Itsallguessworkinawhitecoat.Whatyougottatrytodo isdevelopmorethanonekindofcancer,soyoucanturnemagainstoneanother.Thatswhatyou gottahopefor:thatthecancerseateachotherupinsteadofyou.Factis,thewayIlookatit,themore canceryougot,thehealthieryouare. THEHUMOROUSSIDEOFRAPE

Manypeopleinthiscountrywanttotellyouwhatyoucanandcanttalkabout.Orsometimestheyll tellyouyoucantalkaboutsomething,butyoucantjokeaboutit.Likerape.Peoplesayyoucantjoke aboutrape.Theysayrapesnotfunny.AndIsay,Fuckyou,Ithinkitshilarious.Howdoyoulikethat?I canproverapeisfunny:PicturePorkyPigrapingDaisyDuck.See?Hey,whydoyouthinktheycallhim Porky? AndIknowwhatmenaregonnasay.Daisywasaskinforit;shewascominontoPorky,shehadon tightfeathers.Porkygothorny,andhelostcontrol.Alotofmentalklikethat.Theyblameitonthe woman.Theysay,Shehaditcomin.Shewaswearingashortskirt. Doesntseemfairtome;doesntseemright.ButIbelieveyoucanjokeaboutit.Ibelieveyoucanjoke aboutanything.Itjustdependsonhowyouconstructthejoke,whattheexaggerationis.Everyjoke needsoneexaggeration.Everyjokeneedsonethingtobewayoutofproportion. Illgiveyouanexample.Haveyoueverseenanewsstorylikethis?Someburglarbreaksintoahouse, stealssomethings,andwhilehesinthere,herapesaneightyoneyearoldwoman.Andyouthinkto yourself,Why?Whatthefuckkindofsociallifedoesthisguyhave?Iwanttoaskhim,Whydidyou dothat?ButIknowwhatIdhear:Hey,shewascominontome.Shehadonatightbathrobe. AndImthinkin,Nexttime,bealittlemoreselective,willyou? Now,speakingofrape,butchangingthesubjectslightly,youknowwhatIwonder?Istheremorerapeat theEquatorortheNorthPole?Imean,percapita;Iknowthepopulationsaredifferent.Ithinkitsthe NorthPole. MostpeoplethinkitstheEquator.Becauseitshotdownthere,peopledontwearalotofclothing, guyscanseewomenstits,theygethorny,andtheresalotofrapeandalotoffuckingingeneral.But thatsexactlywhythereslessrapeattheEquator;becausetheresalotoffucking,ingeneral.You cantelltheEquatorhasalotoffucking;lookatthepopulationfigures.Billionsofpeoplelivenearthe Equator.HowmanyEskimoswegot?Thirty?Thirtyfive? NoonesgettinlaidattheNorthPole;itstoocold.AnEskimosaystohiswife,Hey,honey,how aboutsomepussy?Shesays,Wally,areyoucrazy?Thewindchillis150below!Eskimoguysare deprived,theyrehorny,theygetpentup,andeverynowandthentheygottarapesomebody.

 Now,thebiggestproblemanEskimorapisthasistryingtogetwetleatherleggingsoffawomanwho first.Wouldntyouwanttohaveraindancepracticejusttogooverthingsagain?Tomakesure everyonewasdoingthecorrectstepsinthecorrectorder?Maybethereweresomenewguys;maybe thedancemasterhadsomenewthingshewantedtotryout.Thereareallsortsofreasonswhythe Indiansmightwanttoplayitsafeandpracticefirst. Myquestionis,iftheydidholdpractice,andtheraindidntcomeimmediately,howwouldtheyknow theyhaddoneitright?Ifthedanceisdonecorrectly,shouldntitrain?OrdidtheIndiansfigurethe raingodknewitwasonlypracticeandwaswaitingfortherealthing? Thenagain,ifitdidrainrightafterpractice,whynotjustcancelthedanceandfigurethenexttimeyou needrainallyouhavetodoispractice? Thesearethekindsofthoughtsthatmadeitnecessarytoseparatemefromtheotherkidsinschool. THINGSTHATAREPISSINGMEOFF Cigars Haventwehadaboutenoughofthiscigarsmokingshit?Whenarethesefat,arrogant,overfed,white collarbusinesscriminalsgoingtoextinguishtheircigarsandmovealongtotheirnextabomination? Soft,white,businesspussiessuckinonabigbrowndick.Thatsallitis,folks,abig,browndick.You know,Freudusedtosay,Sometimesacigarisjustacigar.Yeah?Well,sometimesitsabigbrown dick!Withafat,criminalbusinessassholesuckingonthewetendofit! But,hey.Thenewsisnotallbadforme.Notallbad.Wanttohearthegoodpart?Cancerofthemouth. Good!Fuckem!Makesmehappy;itsanattractivedisease.Solightup,suspenderman,andsuck thatsmokedeepdownintoyouremptysuit.Andblowitoutyourass,youmiserablecocksucker!

 Angels Whatisallthisnonsenseaboutangels?DoyourealizethreeoutoffourAmericansnowbelievein angels?Whatarethey,fuckinstupid?Haseverybodylosttheirgoddamnminds? Angels,myass!YouknowwhatIthinkitis?Ithinkitsamassive,collective,chemicalflashbackfromall thedrugsallthedrugs!smoked,swallowed,snorted,andshotupbyallAmericansfrom1960to2000. Fortyyearsofadulteratedstreetdrugswillgetyousomefuckinangels,myfriend! Angels,shit.Whataboutgoblins?Doesntanybodybelieveingoblins?Andzombies.Wherethefuck areallthezombies?Thatsthetroublewithzombies,theyreunreliable.Isayifyouregonnabuy thatangelbullshit,youmayaswellgoforthegoblinzombiepackageaswell. BikeFrauds HeresanotherhorrifyingexampleofadecliningAmericanculture.Thecontinuedpussificationofthe malepopulation,thistimeintheformofHarleyDavidsonthemerestaurants.Whatisgoingonhere? HarleyDavidsonusedtomeansomething;itstoodforbikerattitude;grimyoutlawsandtheirsweaty mamasfullofbeerandcrank,rollinaroundonHarleys,lookinforagoodtime.Destroyingproperty, rapingteenagers,andkillingpolicemen.Allverynecessaryactivities. Butnow...themerestaurants!Andthissoftshitobviouslydidntcomefromhardcorebikers,itcame fromweekendmotorcyclists.Thesefraudulent,twodayaweeklameswhohavetheirbikestruckedinto Sturgis,SouthDakota,forthebigrallyandthenridearoundtownliketheyjustcameofftheroad. LawyersanddentistsandpussyboysoftwaredesignersgettinuponHarleysbecausetheythinkit makesemcool.Wellhey,Skeezix,youaintcool,yourefuckinchilly.Andchillyaintneverbeen cool. TheHouseofBlues

Ihaveaproposition:Ithinkifwhitepeoplearegoingtoburndownblackchurches,thenblackpeople oughttoburndowntheHouseofBlues.Whatadisgracethatplaceis.TheHouseofBlues.Youknow whattheyoughttocallit?TheHouseofLameWhiteMotherfuckers!Inauthentic,lowfrequency,lame whitemotherfuckers. Especiallythesemalemoviestarswhothinktheyrebluesartists.Youeverseetheseguys?Dontyou justwanttopukeinyoursoupwhenoneofthesefat,overweight,outofshape,middleaged,pasty faced,baldyheadedmoviestarswithsunglassesjumpsonstageandstartsblowinintoaharmonica? Itsafuckinsacrilege. Inthefirstplace,whitepeoplegotnobusinessplayingthebluesever.Atall!Underanycircumstances! Whatthefuckdowhitepeoplehavetobeblueabout?BananaRepublicranoutofkhakis?Theespresso machineisjammed?HootieandtheBlowfisharebreakingup? Shit,whitepeopleoughttounderstand...theirjobistogivepeopletheblues,nottogetthem.And certainlynottosingorplaythem!Illtellyoualittlesecretabouttheblues:itsnotenoughtoknow whichnotestoplay,youhavetoknowwhytheyneedtobeplayed. Andanotherthing,Idontthinkwhitepeopleshouldbetryingtodancelikeblacks.Stopthat!Stickto yourfaggotypolkasandwaltzes,andthatrepulsivecountrylinedancingshitthatyoudo,andbe yourself.Beproud!Bewhite!Belame!Andgetthefuckoffthedancefloor! ADayintheLifeofHenryVIII Wakeup Fuckthequeen Takeashit

Killthequeen Eatsixchickens Getmarried KillthenewqueenEatacowTakeashitStartdatingBelchforanhourEatasheepKillmydateDefythe popeEatagoatTakeashitFuckabishopGetengagedKillmyfianceEatapigMarryapigKillthepig EatthepopeVomitGotosleep FAMILIESWORTHLOATHING Areyousickofthisroyalfamilyshit?Whogivesafuckaboutthesepeople?Whocaresaboutthe Englishingeneral?Theuncivilized,murderous,backwardEnglish.Inbredsavageshidingbehind Shakespeare,pretendingtobecultured.Dontbemisledbythemanners;ifyouwanttoknowwhat lurksbeneaththesurface,takealookatthesoccercrowds.ThatsthetrueBritishcharacter.ImIrish andImAmerican,andwevehadtokickthesedegenerateEnglishmotherfuckersoutofbothofour countries. ButmostAmericansarestupid;theylikeanythingtheyretoldtheylike.Sowhenthedukeandduchess ofWalesorWindsor,orwhatever,visitAmerica,andpeopleareaskediftheylikethem,thesimpletons somethingIwouldliketomakeacontributionto. Haveyounoticedwhenyoulookinthetopdrawerofsomeonesdesktherearealwaysafewpennies inthepenciltray?Itakethem. Inapackageofbacon,underneathalltheneathorizontalstripstheresalwaysoneoddlyfoldedpiece thatseemstohavebeenthrowninatthelastmoment. Yourarelyseeoneoatallbyitself. Thebestthingaboutlivingattheseashoreisthatyouonlyhaveassholesonthreesidesofyou.Andif theycomeatyoufromthewater,youcanusuallyhearthemsplash.

Althoughitsuntruethatrubbingatoadcauseswarts,itdoesgivethetoadahardon. Wewillneverbeanadvancedcivilizationaslongasrainshowerscandelaythelaunchingofaspace rocket. THEPOPEWEARSLOAFERS Ineverworrythatallhellwillbreakloose.Myconcernisthatonlypartofhellwillbreaklooseandbe muchhardertodetect. Whatisallthisdinnerandamovieshit?Whycantpeoplejustgosomewhereandfuckforthreeor fourhours? Inrestaurantswheretheyservefrogslegs,whatdotheydowiththerestofthefrog?Dotheyjust throwitaway?Youneverseefrogtorsosonthemenu.Isthereactuallyagarbagecanfulloffrog bodiesinthealley?Iwouldntwanttobeahomelessguylookingforanunfinishedcheeseburgerand openthelidonthat. Ihopenooneasksmetoshowthemtheropes;Ihavenoideawheretheyare.MaybeIcouldpullsome stringsandfindout. Ifyoupracticethrowingthediscusalone,youhavetogogetityourself. Itsfuntogointothehospitalroomofaterminalpatientandwhispertohim,Hangon.Were working onamiracledrug.Itllbereadyinaboutfiveyears. IreallydontcareifwehaveanuclearwaraslongasIcangetsomeFrenchfries. ImoneofthosepeoplewhohopeElvisPresleyisreallydead.BuddyHollytoo.Thedaythemusic died,shit.AsfarasImconcerned,itwasthedaythemusicgotbetter.Allthoseguysdidwassteal andwaterdownblackmusictomakeitsafeandeasytodigestforfearfulwhitekids.Heresatoastto allthegreatblackartistswhogotrippedoffbynotalentwhitethieves. Onethingniceaboutbeingdeadisthatyouimmediatelybecomeeligibletoappearonstampsand money. Catsthought:Isurecoulddowithanicerat.

Oxencanbetrainedtogenuflectandwhistlesoftlyinthemoonlight. Haveyouevernoticedtheescalatorhandrailandthethingyourestandingondontmoveatthesame speed? Youknowwhatyourarelysee?Aninetythreeyearoldguyworkinonhisrsum. Idontmindgovernmentregulation,butrequiringpeopletowearhelmetsduringintercourseisabit much. Whomdoesamaleladybugdancewith? DidyouevernoticethatapparentlytheLoneRangerandTontonevergottheirlaundrydone? Iprayeachnightthatsomedayonasingleafternoon,severalmajornewsstorieswillbreakwithinafew hoursofeachother.Iwouldlovetoseetwo747scollidingaboveTimesSquare,thepresidentandvice presidentgettingassassinated,IranandIsraelhavinganuclearexchange,theDowJonesdropping8,500 points,andCaliforniahavinganearthquakemeasuring13.7.Itwouldbefunwatchingthenewschannels trytocopewithitall.Andyouknowwhatwouldreallybefun?Readingthenewspapersforthe followingfewweeks. Iknowatranssexualguywhoseonlyambitionistoeat,drink,andbeMary. NotMuchtoDoDept.:SomeonehasactuallygonetothetroubleofdeterminingthatColumbus,Ohio, hasthebestdressedpoliceforce. Hereshowyougetridofcounterfeitmoney:Putitinthecollectionplateatchurch.

IdontunderstandtheproblemsomepeoplehavewithparolingCharlesManson.Isaysethimfreeand lethimgetonwithhiswork.IhavealonglistofcelebritiesIdbegladtosharewithhim. Whenpeoplesaycleanasawhistle,theyforgetthatawhistleisfullofspit. ORGANDONORPROGRAMS Imnottooenthusiasticaboutthisorgandonoridea.Whatbothersmemostisthatitsrunbythe MotorVehiclesBureau.IfigureifIhavetowaitinlinethatlongforakidney,fuckit.Illdowithout. Theysendyoualittlecardyouresupposedtocarryinyourwalletnexttoyourdriverslicense. Youresupposedtolisttheorgansyourewillingtodonateincaseyoudie.Arethesepeoplecrazy?Do youhonestlybelievethatifaparamedicfindsthatcardonyouafteranaccidenthesgonnabetryingto saveyourlife?Noway!Heslookinforparts. Look,Sid!Heresthatlowerintestinewevebeenhopingfor.NevermindtheCPR,thismansa donor! Fuckthat.Ifthesepeoplewantsomethingofmine,theycanhavemyappendix.Thatsit.Thatsall Imgiving.Putitinthecoolerandgetthefuckouttahere. PluggingAlong Anddontgopullinganyplugsonme,either.Thatsanotherbunchofmachobullshitfloatingaround. Peopletalkinabout,Aw,justpulltheplugonme.IfImcomatose?Lyintherelikeavegetable? Justgoaheadandpulltheplug. AndIsay,FUCKYOU!LEAVEMYPLUGALONE!!Getanextensioncordformyplug!Iwanteverythingyou got:tubes,cords,plugs,probes,electrodes,IVs.YoufindIgotanorificethatsnotbeinused,sticka fuckintubeinit.Vegetable,shit!IdontcareifIlooklikeanartichoke.Savemyass!

IfyoueverfindoutImcomatosejustremembertherearethreethingsIgottahave:icecream, morphine,andTV.Givemethaticecreamabouteverytwohours;givemethatmorphineabout,oh, everytenminutes;andturnonthefuckinTV!!IwannawatchSurvivor! Anddontbecomintovisitme,either.Igotnotimeforlivepeople.Imbraindead,here.Aintyou peoplegotnorespectforthebraindead?Hey,yougottabebraindeadtowatchSurvivor!inthefirst place;youmightaswellwatchitwhenyoureclinicallybraindead. Now,onemorethoughtconcerningthiscomatosestuff.Thismightcomeinhandysomeday.Ifyouknow ahomosexualwhoiscomatose,remember,youcanalwayscomforthisfamilybysaying,Lookatitthis way,folks.Hewasafruit,nowhesavegetable.Atleasthesstillintheproducesection. ONTHEBEACH:THEMOVIE Itissaidthatjustbeforeyoudieyourlifeflashesbeforeyoureyes;especiallyifitsasuddendeath.Its likealittlepersonalmovieofyourown.Butitdoesntmakesensetome.Mathematically,howwouldit work? Letssayyoureswimmingatthebeach,yougetcaughtinariptide,anditpullsyououttosea.You panicandbeginswallowingwater.Sinceyoureabouttodie,theflashbackmoviebeginstoroll. Itseemstomethatifitsreallyaflashbackofyourentirelife,youdhavetowatchthewholething, andthatwouldincludetheending.Whichmeansseeingyourselfarriveatthebeach,walkintothesurf, starttodrown,andhavethemoviestartalloveragain.Thereforeyoudhavetowatchitasecondtime, whichwouldincludearrivingatthebeach,walkingintothesurf,and...yougetwhatImean?Thanksto theflashback,youcanneverdie.Themovierunsforever. ICOULDNTCOMMITSUICIDEIFMYLIFE DEPENDEDONIT SoLittleTime

 WheneverIhearthatsomeonehascommittedsuicideIwonderonething.NotWhydidhedoit?or Whatwashethinking?Iwonder,Howdidhefindthetime?Whohastimetoberunningaround committingsuicidethesedays?Arentyoubusy?Dontyouhavethingstodo?Ido.Suicidewouldbe waydownonmylist.Itwouldcomemuchlater,forexample,thansettingmyneighborshouseonfire. Believeme,Iwouldhavetoworksuicideintoanalreadyverycrowdedschedule.Idprobablytryalittle selfmutilationatfirst,justtogetstarted.SeeifIlikethegeneralconcept. Whenyouthinkaboutit,theplanningalonewouldcreateallsortsoftasks.First,youdhavetochoose amethod.Thatsbig.Andthatmighttakeawhile;therearesomanygoodwaystogo. Letssee.Howaboutfiringaguninmymouth?Naaah!Jesus,thatwouldhurt.AndsupposeIlived? Myheadwouldhaveabigholeinthetop.Fuckthat.MaybeIshouldjusthangmyself.No,tooweird.I dontwantpeopletothinkImweird.Justsad.Really,reallysad.IguessIcouldputmyheadinthe ovenandturnonthegas.Shit,itsanelectricoven.WhatamIgonnado?Imafraidofheights,Ihave troubleswallowingpills,andIcantstandthesightofblood.God,thisisdepressing.Iknow!Illthrow myselfinfrontofasubwaytrain.No,IliveinCheyenne.Damn!MaybeIlljusteatsomeinfecteddog shit. DearSurvivor Youalsohavetodecidewhetherornottoleaveanote.Youmightjustthink,Fuckem.Letemfigure itoutforthemselves.AndIreallythinknotleavinganoteisanicetouch,especiallyifyoureaperky, optimistic,happilymarriedpersonandrecentlygotabigpromotion.Letemfigureitoutfor themselves. But,remember,ifyoudoleaveanoteyoullhavetocomeupwithaversionyouresatisfiedwith.You havetogetitright. Letssee,Towhomitmayconcern.No,tooimpersonal.DearMyra.No,thatleavesoutthe kids.Ivegotit!Hi,everybody.Guesswhat?

Oryoumaywanttogoformaximumsurvivorguilt:Toallofyouwhodrovemetothis,youknowwho youare.Ihopeyouresatisfied,nowthatIvedestroyedmyself. Howaboutsimplysaying,Hi.Hopethisnotefindsyouhealthyandhappy.Notme.Healthy,nothappy. Infact,waitllyoureadtherestofthisnote. Supposeyoureawriter?Seemstome,awriterwouldgetsoinvolvedrevisingandpolishingthenote thathednevergetaroundtothesuicide.Hewouldcheerupjustbywritingareallygoodnote.Then hedturnitintoabookproposal. Anotherproblemforsuicidepeopleisthetiming.Okay,Tuesdaysout,gottatakeTimmietothe circus;Wednesdaysmycoloncleansing;theplayoffsstartonFriday;myfolksllbehereforthe weekend.Hmmm!Theweekend... Ifeelsorryforthesesuicidepeople.Therearesomanythingstothinkabout.Dontgetmewrong,Im stillgladtheydoit;Ifindithighlyentertaining.Itcertainlyqualifiesasdrama:anirreversibleactthat putsapermanentendtoyourconsciousness.Talkaboutabigdecision;youdbetterbethinking clearly.Yougottabeatyourbestforsuicide. MustDieTV Ijustlovethewholeidea.Icouldreallyappreciateanallsuicidechannel.Boy,youtalkaboutreality programming:Onepersonafteranother,destroyingthemselvespermanentlyinfrontoftheentire nation.AndnevermindthatVchipshit,letthekidswatch.Teachemtheyhaveoptionsinlife.Iwould showeverymethodimaginable.Andwhentheresalullintheaction,IdrunfilmsofWorldWarII kamikazeraidsandArabsuicidebombers. Ithinkyoucouldgetbigratingswithsuicide.Especiallyifyouhadunusualmethods.Illbetanything youcouldget200peopleinthiscountrytoholdhandsandjumpintotheGrandCanyon.Sickpeople,old people,thechronicallydepressed.Andtogetyoungfolksinvolved,insteadofcallingitsuicide,youbillit asextremeliving.PutitonTVandgivesomeoftheprofitstothesurvivingrelatives.

CEOIsD.O.A. ButIdigress.YouknowwhatIreallylikeaboutsuicide?Thereasonssomepeoplegive.Likethose Japanesebusinessmenwhobankrupttheircompaniesthroughbadmanagementanddecidetoendit all.Imagineaguyinathreepiecegraysuitandredtie,openinghisbriefcase,takingoutafourteeninch fishknife,andslashinghisstomachopeneighteeninchesfromsidetoside.Wow!Ifthattiewasntred beforeitsureisnow.Bytheway,thiswouldbeareallygoodideaforthoseFirestoneandFord executives. NoCoinReturn Ilovesuicide.Youknowwhattheyoughttohaveinamusementarcades?Coinoperatedsuicide machines.Simpleidea.Yousitdownatasteeltableanddeposit50cents.Theresathirtyseconddelay asyouleanforward,placeyourheadonthetable,andputyourarmsbehindyourback.Beforelong,you hear,Five,four,three,two,one.Thenalargecastironhammercomesslammingdownwith2,000 poundsofforceandsmashesyourheadtobits.Anditkeepsonsmashingforabouttwentyminutes,to giveyouyourmoneysworth.Letsyourestinpieces. EUPHEMISTICBULLSHIT Idontlikeeuphemisticlanguage,wordsthatshadethetruth.AmericanEnglishispackedwith euphemism,becauseAmericanshavetroubledealingwithreality,andinordertoshieldthemselves fromittheyusesoftlanguage.Andsomehowitgetsworsewitheverygeneration. Heresanexample.Theresaconditionincombatthatoccurswhenasoldieriscompletelystressed outandisonthevergeofnervouscollapse.InWorldWarIitwascalledshellshock.Simple,honest, directlanguage.Twosyllables.Shellshock.Italmostsoundslikethegunsthemselves.Thatwasmore thaneightyyearsago. Thenagenerationpassed,andinWorldWarIIthesamecombatconditionwascalledbattlefatigue. Foursyllablesnow;takesalittlelongertosay.Doesntseemtohurtasmuch.Fatigueisanicer wordthanshock.Shellshock!Battlefatigue.

 Bytheearly1950s,theKoreanWarhadcomealong,andtheverysameconditionwasbeingcalled operationalexhaustion.Thephrasewasuptoeightsyllablesnow,andanylasttracesofhumanity hadbeencompletelysqueezedoutofit.Itwasabsolutelysterile:operationalexhaustion.Like somethingthatmighthappentoyourcar. Then,barelyfifteenyearslater,wegotintoVietnam,and,thankstothedeceptionssurroundingthat war,itsnosurprisethattheverysameconditionwasreferredtoasposttraumaticstressdisorder. Stilleightsyllables,butweveaddedahyphen,andthepainiscompletelyburiedunderjargon:post traumaticstressdisorder.Illbetiftheyhadstillbeencallingitshellshock,someofthoseVietnam veteransmighthavereceivedtheattentiontheyneeded. Butitdidnthappen,andoneofthereasonsisthatsoftlanguage;thelanguagethattakesthelifeout oflife.Andsomehowitkeepsgettingworse. Herearesomemoreexamples.Atsomepointinmylife,thefollowingchangesoccurred: toiletpaper=bathroomtissuesneakers=runningshoesfalseteeth=dentalappliancesmedicine= medicationinformation=directoryassistancethedump=thelandfillmotels=motorlodgeshouse trailers=mobilehomesusedcars=previouslyownedvehiclesroomservice=guestroomdiningriot= civildisorderstrike=jobactionzoo=wildlifeparkjungle=rainforestswamp=wetlandsglasses= presciptioneyeweargarage=parkingstructuredrugaddiction=substanceabuse soapopera=daytimedrama gamblingjoint=gamingresort prostitute=sexworker theater=performingartscenter

 wifebeating=domesticviolence constipation=occasionalirregularity Health WhenIwasalittleboy,ifIgotsickIwenttoadoctor,whosentmetoahospitaltobetreatedbyother doctors.NowIgotoafamilypractitioner,whobelongstoahealthmaintenanceorganization, whichsendsmetoawellnesscentertobetreatedbyhealthcaredeliveryprofessionals. Poverty Poorpeopleusedtoliveinslums.Nowtheeconomicallydisadvantagedoccupysubstandard housingintheinnercities.Andalotofthemarebroke.Theydonthavenegativecashflow. Theyrebroke!Becausemanyofthemwerefired.Inotherwords,managementwantedtocurtail redundanciesinthehumanresourcesarea,andso,manyworkersarenolongerviablemembersof theworkforce.Smug,greedy,wellfedwhitepeoplehaveinventedalanguagetoconcealtheirsins. Itsassimpleasthat. Government TheCIAdoesntkillanybody,theyneutralizepeople.Ortheydepopulateanarea.The governmentdoesntlie,itengagesindisinformation.ThePentagonactuallymeasuresnuclear radiationinsomethingcalledsunshineunits.Israelimurderersarecalledcommandos,Arab commandosarecalledterrorists.Thecontrakillerswereknownasfreedomfighters.Well,if crimefightersfightcrimeandfirefightersfightfire,whatdofreedomfightersfight? PhysicalDisorders

Andsomeofthissoftenedlanguageisjustsillyandembarrassing.Ontheairlinestheysaytheyregoing topreboardpassengersinneedofspecialassistance.Cripples.Simple,honest,directlanguage. Theresnoshameattachedtothewordcripple.Noshame.ItsawordusedinBibletranslations: Jesushealedthecripples.Itdoesnttakesixwordstodescribethatcondition. Butwedonthavecripplesanymore;insteadwehavethephysicallychallenged.Isthatagrotesque enoughevasionforyou?Howaboutdifferentlyabled?Iveactuallyheardcripplesreferredtoas differentlyabled.Youcantevencallthemhandicappedanymore.Theysay,Werenothandicapped, werehandicapable.Thesepoorsuckershavebeenbullshittedbythesystemintobelievingthatif youchangethenameofthecondition,somehowyoullchangethecondition.Well,itdoesnthappen thatway. Imsureyouvenoticedwehavenodeafpeopleinthiscountry.Hearingimpaired.Andnoones blind.Partiallysightedorvisuallyimpaired.AndthankGodwenolongerhavestupidchildren. Todayskidsallhavelearningdisabilities.Ortheyreminimallyexceptional.Howwouldyoulike tobetoldthataboutyourchild?Actually,itsoundsfaintlypositive. Hesminimallyexceptional. Oh,thankGodforthat,Iguess. Bestofall,psychologistsnowcalluglypeoplethosewithsevereappearancedeficits.Thingsareso badthatanydayIexpecttoheararapevictimreferredtoasanunwillingspermrecipient. GettinOld Ofcourse,itsbeenobviousforsometimethattherearenooldpeopleinthiscountry.Theyalldied, andwhatwehaveareseniorcitizens.Howsthatforalifeless,typicallyAmerican,twentieth centuryphrase?Theresnopulseinaseniorcitizen.

ButthatsatermIvecometoaccept.Thatswhatoldpeoplearegoingbecalled.ButthephraseI willcontinuetoresistiswhentheydescribeanoldpersonasbeingninetyyearsyoung.Imaginehow sadthefearofagingthatisrevealedinthatphrase.Tobeunableeventousethewordold;tohave touseitsantonym. AndIunderstandthefearofagingisnatural;itsuniversal,isntit?Noonewantstogetold,noone wantstodie.Butwedo.Wedie.Andwedontlikethat,sowebullshitourselves. IstartedbullshittingmyselfwhenIreachedmyforties.Idlookinthemirror,andsay,Well,Iguess Imgetting...older!Oldersoundsbetterthanold,doesntit?Soundslikeitmightevenlasta littlelonger.Bullshit.Imgettingold.Anditsokay.ButtheBabyBoomerscanthandlethat,and remember,theboomersinventedmostofthissoftlanguage.Sonowtheyvecomeupwithanewlife phase:preelderly.Howsad.Howrelentlesslysad. GettinDead Butitsallright,folks,becausethankstoourfearofdeath,noonehastodie;theycanalljustpass away.Orexpire,likeamagazinesubscription.Ifithappensinthehospital,itwillbecalledaterminal episode.Theinsurancecompanywillrefertoitasnegativepatientcareoutcome.Andifitstheresult ofmalpractice,theyllsayitwasatherapeuticmisadventure. Tobehonest,someofthislanguagemakesmewanttovomit.Well,perhapsvomitistoostronga word.Itmakesmewanttoengageinaninvoluntary,personalproteinspill. BEERANDPOT WhenIwasyoung,mostkidsinmyneighborhooddrankbeerbeforetheydiscoveredpot.Everybody drankfirst.Saturdaynightwedrankbeerandpukedonourshoes.ItwasanIrishneighborhood.Drink andpuke,thatwasit.AgreatAmericantradition.Itstillgoesontoday.

Thenin1950,whenIwasthirteen,weheardaboutpot.Wediscoveredthatonpotyoudidntstagger, youdidntpukeonyourshoes,andyourbreathdidntsmell.Whichwasimportant.Because,asakid, whenyoucamehomefromdrinkingthereweretwobreathsmellsthatcouldgiveyouaway:alcoholand puke. So,wefoundthatwhenyousmokedpot,youcouldwithstandyourmothersclosestscrutiny.Because, letsfaceit,youhadcomehomedrunksooftenwearingsomeoneelsesclothingthatyourmother wasnowopenlyaskingtosmellyourbreath. Comehere,mister!Letmesmellthebreath.Ahhh!Noboozeorpuke.Thatsagoodboy.Whats thatunderyourarm? TwoboxesofOreos. Thatsagoodboy. Goodnight,Ma. Cool. HIGHONTHEPLANE Airlinesdisappointme.Whydonttheyhaveaflightattendantwhosejobitistohandoutdrugs? Theyrecertainlyaggressiveenoughwhenitcomestoalcohol.Evenbeforethemealbeginstheyrein theaisles:Champagne,redwine,whitewine?Canttheyspareonepersontowanderaround muttering,Coke?Smoke?Chancetogethigh.Crank?Acid?Smack?Yourehighintheplane,nowget highontheplane! Forme,onalongflightitusedtobethatgettinhighwashalfthefun.Hell,evenashortflight.Lockin myselfinthebathroom,firinupajoint.Thatswhatflyinwasallabout.Nowyoucantsmoke

anythingatall,notevenagoodoldfashionedreadyroll.Theyhavesmokedetectors.Jesus!Thepeople inthiscountryhavereallybecomeapackoffearful,ignorantsheep.EverybodysaGodfearing,law abidingassholenow.Fairwarning,myfriend:ifyouregonnasmokeajointontheairplanethesedays, youbetterbeanoldpro. IntheolddaysIalwaysdidmypotsmokingintheforwardlavatory,becauseIfantasizedthatthemirror wastwoway,andthecrewcouldseeme.Icanthelpit,Ijustlikeanaudience.ButIknewmymanners; Ialwaysofferedthecrewahitortwo.Idmakelittlegestureswiththejointtowardthemirror. Cmon,boys,lightenup.Lifeisntallazimuthindicators.Neveranytakers;realstraightfolksup there. Now,Imsureallofyouhighminded,nonchancetakersouttherearethinkin,Whataboutthe smell?Doesntthebathroomfillupwithpotsmoke?Well,folks,thisiswhereabackgroundin physicscomesinhandy.Followmecloselyonthis. Beforetheairlinesintroducedthosefancynewtoilets,theonesthattearyourgenitalsoffwhenthey flush,theoldtoilets,inordertocontrolodors,hadaslow,steadystreamofairthatflowedfromthe lavatoryitselfdownintothebowl.Andyoucouldincreasethespeedofthatairflowbysimplysittingon thetoilet,therebyreducingthesizeoftheairpassagedowntothatlittlewedgeshapedspacebetween yourthighs.Narrowerchannel,strongerflow.Andyourcheeksactedasagasket,sealingofftherestof theopening. Then,ifyoucarefullypointedalitcigarettedownintothetoiletbetweenyourthighs,allthesmokegot suckedawayintothatmysterious,bluechemicalvoid.Nosmoke,nosmell,noproblem.Bytheway,I cannotoveremphasizetheimportanceofthewordcarefullyintheabovesentence. Ofcourse,notallplaneshadequallystrongairflow,soasystemtestwasalwaysinorder.Agood physicistneverproceedswithoutcheckingconditions.Inthiscase,weuseacommonmatch.Alitmatch, quicklyextinguished,producesasmall,visiblewispofsmoke.Ifthematchishelddeepinthebowl,one canobservewhetherthatsmokeissuckedstraightdownwardorrisesgentlybackintothelav.Inthe formercaseallsystemsarego,inthelattercasetheNoSmokingsigniswiselyobserved.Unless,of course,wedecidetogotoPlanB.Onemustalwayshaveabackup.

Andso,weturnourattentiontothesink.Thesinkisamagnificentdevice:itfillswithwater,holdsit awhile,andthen,whenthedrainisreleased,itempties.Andonanairplane,whenitemptiesitishelped alongbywhat?Why,itshelpedalongbyouroldfriend,Mr.AirPressure!And,whaddayaknow,justby pressingdownonthedrainreleaseplungerwecanproduceanevenstrongerflowofairthanwecan withthetoilet,becausethesinkdrainissomuchsmaller.Aquicktestwithalitmatchconfirmsthis. Butremember,thedrainreleaseleverisspringloaded,andthereforeiftheairflowistoremain constant,theplungermustremaindepressedandopenduringtheentireperiodthejointislit.Andthat meanswehavetopropthedraincapopenbywedgingsomeobjectunderneathit.Amatchbookcover, orperhapsoneofthoselittlebarsofsoaptheairlinesusedtoleavenearthesink.Isntsciencefun? Allright,gang,werealmostreadytolightupandgetwasted,butthereisstillonefurther consideration.Ifyouregoingtosmokeajointwhileseatedonthetoilet(asopposedtostandingup, leaningdownintothesink),atsomepoint,youhavetodecidewhetherornotyoushouldpretendtobe takingashit.Inotherwords,whetherornottopullyourpantsdown. Ifyoureallyhavetotakeashitatthetime,thatsgreat;youreallset.Butifyoudont,youhavea decisiontomake.Because,althoughethicallythereisnothingwrongwithtakingafakeshit,ina practicalsenseifthecrewthinksyouvebeenintheretoolong,andtheydecidetobreakdownthe door,youwanttobesurethatwhentheyarriveyouappeartobetakingagenuineshit.Dontforget, theyregoingtocheck.Andnobodywantstobearrestedforshittingwithhispantson,amIright? AlthoughpersonallyIcantellyouIdontcarewhatthechargeisaslongasIgetridofthejoint. Besides,shittingwithyourpantsonisonlyamisdemeanor.Andinmycaseitwouldbeafirstoffense. Whichbringsusbacktomyownpersonalairlinebathroomexperience.OneproblemIalwayshadwas thatafterIgothighIwouldwindupstayinginthebathroomwaytoolong.Potbroughtoutthe superorganizerinme,soonceIdhadafewgood,deephitsandwassecurelylockedin,Itendedtogo towork. FirstthingIdidwasopenupallthoselittlecompartmentsunderthesinkandrearrangethesupplies storedinthere.Idrestackallthesanitarynapkinsaccordingtostrength:regular,super,jumbo,teeny bopper.Idremovetheouterwrappersfromthesparetoiletpaper,makingitreadilyavailableinthe eventsomenastybacteriumfounditswayintothefirstclassentrees.ThenIdrefillthepapertowel dispenser,beingcarefultopackitsotightlythatthetowelswouldnotcomeoutwithoutshredding. Andagain,theolddaysIdmakesuretherewereplentyofthoselittlebarsofsoaplyingoutfor

peopletosteal.Intheoccasionalinstancewhencologne,aftershave,andotheramenitiesweremade available,Iwouldbesuretotakethemhomeforfurtherqualitycontroltesting.Fordisnottheonly placewherequalityisjobone. Then,mychoresdone,Iwouldrelaxsomewhatandreflectontheenvironmentaroundme.Idbecome fascinatedbythelittleslottheyhadforusedrazorblades,andIwonderedwhetherornottheblades actuallydroppedoutoftheairplaneandfellonpeopleshouses,oriftheyjustrustedandrotted somewherebehindthewall.Idreadthevarioussignspostedinthreelanguagesandtrytotranslate preciselythecorrespondingwordsineachlanguage.Then,finally,along,lingeringlookinthemirror, usuallyresultinginthediscoveryofsomehideousfacialflaw,previouslyundetected. Andthen,suddenly,thelittlelightedsignwouldflashontellingmetoReturntoCabin!ReturntoCabin! ReturntoCabin! Idthink,Ohshit,troubleinthecabin.Theyneedme.Ishouldneverhaveleftthemalone.Idbetter seewhatsup.Andthenonmywayout,Idspotonelastsign:PleaseLeaveLavatoryCleanforthe NextPassenger.Well,thatsallIneededtosee.AndbecauseImreallyintodetailnowandeven thoughIdidntmakeamessImexperiencingfelonsguilt.AndIdecidetocleanupforthenext person. Irinseanddryandthoroughlypolishtheentiresinkarea,scouringalltheburstpimpleresidueoffthe mirror,andIevenwashoffthedried,graydirtbubblesleftonthesoapbythepreviousperson.Now Imgettinintoit!PrettysoonIfindmyselfwashingthewallsandceiling,throwingopenthedoor,and yelling,YoupeoplegotsomeSpicandSpanandahardbristlebrushoutthere?IthinkIcangetthese bluestainsoffthetoilet! AndsuddenlyIrealizemyfantasyworldhascollapsed;therealworldiswatching.Adjustingquickly,and relyingonmyidentityasacomedian,Ichuckleweaklyandsay,Yougottacleanupforthenext person. Then,asthefatwomanwaitingtotakeashitpassesmeonherwayintothejohn,Ihiss,Dontfuckit up,lady.Iworkedmyassoffinthere.AndbacktomyseatIgo,secureintheknowledgethat,once again,thankstomyhighlydevelopedworkethic,alongwithsomegreatHumboldtweed,Ivemanaged tomaketheskiesalittlefriendlier.

 SHORTTAKES Youknowoneofthebiggestripoffsintheworld?Flowers.Theygrowfreeallovertheworld,andyet wepayforthem.Andthentheydie.Thatseemsstrange.Flowersareoneofthefewthingswebuy, bringhome,watchdie,andwedontaskforourmoneyback.Normally,wedbescreamingata merchantoversomethinglikethat:Hey,whatkindofshitisthis?Gimmemymoneyback!Thefuckin thingskeeledoverrightonthepiano! Thecaterpillardoesallthework,butthebutterflygetsallthepublicity. Titsalwayslookbetterinapinksweater. Youknowwhatyoudontseeenoughofontelevision?Agoodparachuteaccident.Itskindafun. Askyourdrycleanerifhecanremovethestainsfromonepairofpantsandputtheminanother.He shouldbeabletodothatforthesameamountofmoney.Whileyoureinthere,askifhecanremove semenfromaweddingveil.Thatsthetestofareallygooddrycleaner. Tome,fastfoodiswhenacheetaheatsanantelope. Twomenwhosenamesyouseealotonairconditionerdials:NormandMax. Haveyoueverbeenkissingsomeone,andoneofyouhasasnotthatswhistling?Ittakesyourmindoff thesex,becauseitrequiresathreestepsolution.Firstofall,youhavetofigureoutwhosenoseitsin. Thenyouhavetodeterminewhichnostril.Finally,someonehastodiginthereand,ifnotremoveit completely,atleastpushittoonesidesoitdoesntwhistleanymore.Bytheway,duringallthisactivity themanusuallyloseshishardon. Acrumbisagreatthing:Ifyoubreakacrumbinhalfyoudontgettwohalfcrumbs,yougettwo crumbs.Doesntthatviolatesomelawofphysics?

 IthinkIam,therefore,Iam.Ithink. Haveyouevernoticedthatwhenyouretorturingaperson,afterawhileyougetrealtiredandyou dontknowwhattodotohimnext?Thenyouthinkofsomething,andyousortofgetyourenergy back? Anymanwithasmallmoustachewearingabowtieandaloudvestisanasshole. Acatwillblinkwhenstruckwithahammer. Receptionlineswouldbealotmoreinterestingifinsteadofshakinghands,peoplegreetedeachother withakickinthegroin. Thereasonthemainstreamisthoughtofasastreamisbecauseofitsshallowness. Actualbumpersticker:HORNBROKEWATCHFORFINGER. Funattheballpark:Yevernoticealotofguysbringaglovetothegametocatchafoulball?Never mindthat,bringabat!Whenafoulballcomesflyingtowardyou,BAM!Hititbacktotheplayers. Everyonewillsenseyoureafunfan.Theyllbegladtheycametotheballparkonstraitjacketnight. Ireadsomewherethatfortheaveragepersonfourteenfartsadayareconsiderednormal.Basedon thesefigures,andjudgingfrommyownoutput,Ihavetoassumetherearemillionsofpeoplewhonever fartatall. Idonthaveafearofheights.Ido,however,haveafearoffallingfromheights.

Isntitagoodfeelingwhenyoureadthetabloidsandrealizethatalotoffamouspeoplearejustas fuckedupasyouare? Thejusticesystemshouldhaveapenaltywherebytheysendyoutoprison,andfortenyearstheguards taketurnsdoingthatThreeStooges,jabbingtwofingersinyoureyesthing.Ithinkthatwould straightenalotofguysout. .backwardssentencessaytousedI!shitOh!againgoIThere Inoticedinthenewspaperthattrackandfieldhasaneventcalledthewomenspolevault.Itmakesme wonder:Withalltheoptionsavailabletoherinthisage,howdoesayoungwomangetinterestedin polevaulting?Itseemslikeabizarrechoice.Bytheway,IhopeyounoticedIcompletelyignoredthe obviousopportunityforacheapphallicjoke. IfIeverlosemymindIhopesomehonestpersonwillfinditandtakeittoLostandFound. Insomehotelstheygiveyoualittlesewingkit.YouknowwhatIdo?Isewthetowelstogether.Onetime Isewedabuttononalampshade.Iliketoleaveamark. WhatswrongwithAmerica:ThereareschoolsinFairfaxCounty,Virginia,wherekidsarenotallowedto winsoccergames.Wheneverateamgetstwogoalsaheadtheyhavetogiveuponeplayer.Pathetic. TheAsiancountryknownasMongoliausedtobecalledOuterMongolia.AndjustbelowtheOuter MongolianborderwithChinatherewasanautonomousregioncalledInnerMongolia.Andsinceeachof themhaditsowninnerandouterregions,thatmeansthatatonetimethereexisted,fairlyclosetoone another,anouterInnerMongoliaandaninnerOuterMongolia.Ilikethatsortofthing.Ilike picturingtheroadsignsandallthepeopletakingwrongturns. Whensomeonewithanartificialheartdies,Ithinktheyshouldtakeouttheheart,hookituptoan artificialbody,andletitgoatthat.

Ineverbitemynails;Iconsideritahealthrisk.Instead,Itwistmynailsoffwithpliersandburnawayany excesstissuewithacigarettelighter. SPORTSSHOULDBEFIXED:FIRSTHALF Everyoneknowsbynow,sportsisbigbusiness.Butthemajorsportshavegrownboringandpredictable, andthepublichasbecomejaded.SoImsuggestingafewchangesthatwouldaddexcitementtothe gamesandincreasetheirentertainmentvalue. TakeMeOuttotheHospital Baseballhasonemajorproblem:notenoughseriousinjuries.Alotofbaseballssocalledinjuriesare justastrainedthisorasorewhatchamacallit.Intodaysculturethatsnotgoodenough.Fans arecryingoutforsomeonetobehurtreallybadly. So,toraisetheinjurylevel,whatIwoulddoisplacethirtytofortylandminesintheoutfield;thekindof minesthatspraythousandsoftinynailswhentheyexplode.Notonlywouldthisaddexcitement,it wouldalsoprovidearefreshingelementofsurprise:Theresahigh,lazyflyballtorightfield.ONeill driftsover,patshisglove...BOOOOOOM!Holyfuckinshit!Oh,goodLord!Oh,precious,precious Lord! Baseballisalsoaccusedofbeingtooslow.Heressomethingthatwouldnotonlyspeedupthegame butalsoprovideawelcomeopportunityforseriousinjuries.Likemostgoodideas,itsuncomplicated:if thepitcherhitsthebatterwiththeball,thebatterisout.Thatsit.Asimpleidea,butitcouldmake quiteadifference. Andmaybeiftheballhitsthebatterintheheaditcouldbeadoubleplay.Idontknow,Imnotan expertonrules.Butitscertainlyworthatry.Andjustthink:agoodcontrolpitchercouldhavea perfectgamejustbyhittingtwentysevenguysinarow.Infact,ifyouhadtwoqualitypitchersout there,thefanscouldbeoutofthatballparkinhalfanhour,ontheirwayhometowatchfootballonTV. Wheretheycouldseesomeseriousgoddamninjuries.

GettinMyKicks Now,football.Formanyofyoufans,footballisalreadyaperfectgame.Itsparticularcombinationof speed,strategy,andbruteforceseemsjustrightfortheAmericanpsyche.Butevenawellthoughtout gamelikefootballcanusealittlehelpfromafunlovingguylikeme. Iwouldstartbyimprovingthecointoss,bymakingitafullcontactevent.Whilethecoinisintheair,the teamcaptainsshouldbeallowedtokicktheofficials.Itwouldgetthingsgoingonapositivenote. Remember,thisisasportthatowesitsorigintothepracticeofEnglishsoldiersplayfullykickingaround theheadofaDaneduringthelullsincombat. Now,tothegameitself.Ithinkfootballshouldlimititselftoonlyonerule:Eachdownbeginsinan orderlymanner.Thatsit.Afterthat,theplayersshouldbeallowedtodowhatevertheywant.If theresafight,youmoveitofftoonesideofthefield.Letitrunitscourse;norestrictions.Ifseveral 300poundlinemenarecripplingaplacekicker,fine.Letthemcontinue.Weshouldntbetryingto suppressthenaturalexuberanceofathletes.Keepinmindthesemenarephysicalfreaks,fullofdrugs andanger,andtheyreheretoentertainus.Theyenjoybeinginjured;letthemgoabouttheirbusiness. Somuchforupgradingtheviolence.Heresmysuggestionforaddingexcitement.Currently,eachteam isallowedfortyfiveplayersonthesquad,butmostofthemstandaroundwatchingthegamefromthe sidelines.IfIwereincharge,thiswouldnotbehappening.Instead,Iwouldhaveallninetymenouton thefieldatalltimes.Offense,defense,specialteams.Everyone.Whatfootballreallyneedsisninety steroidmonstrositiesgeekedonamphetaminesracingaroundthefieldtryingtohurtoneanother. Heresanotherwaytospiceupthegame:leavetheinjuredplayersonthefield.Letthemliethere. Thesemenaresupposedtobetough,youcantcoddlethemjustbecausetheybreaksomething.Let theotherguysplayaroundthem.Iftheygetsteppedon,toughtitty.Thesemachopinheadsarealways talkingabouthowitsabigwargoinonoutthere.Fine.LettheRedCrosscomearoundandpick themup. Andregardingthistauntingbehaviorthatsomanypeoplefindoffensive,Idontseetheproblem.In fact,Idontthinktauntinggoesnearlyfarenough.InmyopinionandImcertainlynoprofessional athleteafteragoodhardtacklethedefensiveplayershouldbeallowedtopulldownhispantsand masturbateonthemanhetackled.Itseemslikeasimplething,butitwouldchangethewholetempoof

thegame.Andifhecantejaculatebecause60,000peoplearewatching,youhithimwitha15yard penaltyfordelayofgame. Iendmysuggestionsforimprovingfootballbytakingalookatoneofthosegameendrituals:the pouringofGatoradeonthewinningcoach.Tomymind,thisisfartoofruityforfootball.Itsbarely appropriateforasixthgradedodgeballteam.Whatoughttohappenisthewinningteamshouldbe allowedtocomeacrossthefieldandspikethelosingcoach.Justspikehim.Fourlinebackersturnhim upsidedownandpiledrivehimheadfirstintotheground.Givehimanincentivetoworkalittleharder onthenextweeksgameplan. CAPITALPUNISHMENT Manypeopleinthiscountrywanttoexpandthedeathpenaltytoincludedrugdealers.Thisisreally stupid.Drugdealersarentafraidtodie.Theyrealreadykillineachotherbythehundredseveryday. Drivebys,turfwars,gangkillings.Theyrenotafraidtodie.Thedeathpenaltymeansverylittleunless youuseitonpeoplewhoareafraidtodie.Likethebankerswholaunderthedrugmoney.Forget dealers.Ifyouwanttoslowdownthedrugtraffic,youhavetostartexecutingsomeofthesewhite, middleclassRepublicanbankers.AndIdontmeansoftAmericanexecutionslikelethalinjection.Im talkinaboutcrucifixion,folks.Isaybringbackcrucifixion!AformofcapitalpunishmenttheChristians andJewsofAmericacanreallyappreciate. AndIdtakeitastepfurther:Idcrucifythesepeopleupsidedown.LikeSt.Peter.Feetup,headdown. Andnaked!Idhavenaked,upsidedowncrucifixionsonceaweekonTV,athalftimeoftheMonday NightFootballgames.TheMondayNightCrucifixions!Shit,youdhavepeopletunininwhodont evencareaboutfootball.WouldntyouliketohearDennisMillerexplainwhythenailshavetogoinat aspecificangle? AndIllguaranteeyouonething:youstartnailinonewhitebankerperweektoabigwoodencrosson nationaltelevision,andyouregonnaseethatdrugtrafficbegintoslowdownmightyfuckinquick. Whyyouwontevenbeabletobuydrugsinschoolsandprisonsanymore. Personally,Idontcareaboutcapitalpunishmentonewayoranother,becauseIknowitdoesntdo anything.Itdoesntreallydoanything,exceptsatisfythebiblicalneedforrevenge.Youknow,ifyou readtheBible,youseeitsfilledwithviolence,retribution,andrevenge.Socapitalpunishmentisreally kindofareligiousritual.Apurificationrite.Itsamodernsacrament.

 Andaslongasthatstrue,Isayletslivenitup.Letsaddalittleshowbusiness.Ibelieveifyoumake capitalpunishmentalittlemoreentertaining,andmarketitcorrectly,youcanraiseenoughmoneyto saveSocialSecurity. Andremember,thepollsshowtheAmericanpeoplewantcapitalpunishment,andtheywantSocial Security.AndIthinkeveninafakedemocracypeopleoughttogetwhattheywantonceinawhile.Iffor nootherreasonthantofeedtheillusionthattheyrereallyincharge.Letsusecapitalpunishmentthe samewayweusesportsandshoppinginthiscountry:totakepeoplesmindsoffhowbadlytheyre beinfuckedbytheupper1percent. Now,unfortunatelythefootballseasononlylastsaboutsixmonths.Whatwereallyneediscapital punishmentyearround.PutitonTVeverynightwithsponsors.Yagottahavesponsors.Imsureas longaswerekillingpeople,DowChemicalandMarlborocigaretteswillbeproudtoparticipate.Save SocialSecurity. AndnotonlydoIrecommendcrucifixions,Imalsoinfavorofbringingbackbeheadings.Wouldnt thatbegreat?BeheadingsonTV,completewithslowmotionandinstantreplay.Andmaybeyoucould lettheheadsrolldownalittlehillandfallintooneoffivenumberedholes.Letthefolksathomegamble onwhichholetheheadisgonnafallinto.Interactivetelevisionsnuffgambling!Givethepeoplewhat theywant. Andyoudoitinastadium,sotherabblecangambleonittoo.Raisealittlemoremoney.And,ifyou wanttoextendtheviolencealittlelongertosellafewextracommercialsinsteadofusinganax,you dothebeheadingswithahandsaw.Anddontbothergettingqueasyatthispoint,folks,thebloods alreadyonyourhands;allweretalkingaboutnowisamatterofdegree.Youwantsomethingalittle moredelicate?Wecoulddothebeheadingswithanolivefork.Thatwouldbegood.Andthenicepartis, itwouldtakeareallongtime. Therearealotofgoodthingsyoucoulddowithcapitalpunishment.Whensthelasttimeweburned someoneatthestake?Itsbeentoolong!Heresanotherformofstatekillingthatcomesfromarich religioustradition:burningpeopleatthestake.PutitonTVonSundaymornings;theSundaymorning, evangelical,sendusanoffering,praiseJesus,humanbonfire.Youdontthinkthatwouldgetbig

ratings?Inthissickfuckincountry?Shit,youdhavepeopleskippinchurchtowatchthisstuff.And thenyoutakethemoneyfromtheprayerofferingsanduseittosaveSocialSecurity. Andwhateverhappenedtoboilingpeopleinoil?Rememberthat?Letsbringitback.OnTV.Firstyou gettheoilgoingoodwithanicehighrollingboil.Andthenslowly,attheendofarope,youlowerthe prisoner,headfirst,intotheboilingoil.Boy,youtalkaboutfunshit!Andtoencouragecitizen participation,youlettherabbleinthestadiumcontrolthespeedoftherope.Good,clean,wholesome familyentertainment.Thekidsllloveit.NoVchiptospoilthefun.Andallthewhiletheyreenjoying themselves,wereteachinthemaniceChristianmorallesson.Boilingpeopleinoil. Andmaybe,insteadofboilingalltheseguys,everynowandthenyoucouldFrenchfryacoupleofem. Frenchfriedfelons!Ordipaguyineggbatter,justforagoof.Kindofatempurathing.JeffreyDahmer neverthoughtofthat,didhe?JeffreyDahmer,eatyourheartout!Whichisaninterestingthoughtin andofitself. Allright,enoughnostalgia.Howaboutsomemodernformsofcapitalpunishment?Howaboutthrowin aguyofftheroofoftheWorldTradeCenter,andwhoeverhelandsonwinsthePublishers Clearinghouse? Orperhapssomethingmoresophisticated.Youdipaguyinbrowngravyandlockhiminasmallroom withawolverinewhoshighonangeldust.Thatsoneguywhosnotgonnabefuckinwiththekids atthebusstop. Heresagoodone.Somethingreallynice.Youtakeahighspeedcatapult,andyoushootaguystraight intoabrickwall.Troubleis,itwouldbeovertooquickly.NogoodforTV.Youdhavetodoawhole bunchofguysrightinarow.Rapidfirecapitalpunishment.Fifteencatapults!Whileyoureshootin offone,youreloadinuptheothers.Ofcourse,everynowandthenyoudhavetostopeverythingto cleanoffthewall.Cleanliness!Rightnexttogodliness. Finally,hightech!Isenseyourewaitinforsomehightech.Hereyougo.Youtakeahighly miniaturizedtacticalnuclearweapon,andyoustickitstraightupaguysassandsetitoff.A thermonuclearsuppository.PreparationHBomb.Boy,youtalkaboutfallout!Or,avariation:Youputa bombinsidethatlittleholeontheendofaguysdick.Abombinadick!Andwhenitgoesoff,theguy wouldntknowwhetherhewascominorgoin!Igotalottagoodideas.SaveSocialSecurity.

 FARMSYSTEM:THUGS,PERVS,NUTS,ANDDRUNKS Heresanotheroneofmyreallygoodideas.Imgoingtosaveusawholelotofmoneyonprisons,but atthesametimeImgoingtoremovefromsocietymanyofourmoreannoyingcitizens.Fourgroups aregoinawaypermanently! Firstgroup:Violentcriminals.Hereswhatyoudo:YoutaketheentirestateofKansasandyoumove everybodyout.Yougivethepeopleacoupleofhundreddollarsapiecefortheirinconvenience,butyou getthemout.Nextyouputa100foothighelectricfencearoundtheentirestate,andKansasbecomesa permanentprisonfarmforviolentcriminals.Nopolice,noparole,nosupplies;theonlythingyougive themislethalweaponsandliveammunition.Sotheycancommunicateinameaningfulmanner. ThenyouputthewholethingoncableTV.TheViolenceNetwork.VNN.Andforacorporatesponsor, yougetoneofthosecompaniesthatlovestosmearitslogofecesalloverthelandscape.Budweiserwill jumpatthisinhalfaminute. Secondgroup:Sexcriminals.Completelyincurable;youhavetolockthemup.Oh,Isupposeyoucould outlawreligionandthesesexcrimeswoulddisappearinagenerationortwo,butwedonthavetime forrationalsolutions.Itsmucheasiertofenceoffanotherrectangularstate.Thistime,Wyoming. Butthisisonlyfortruesexoffenders.Werenotgoingtoharassconsentingadultswhodressupin leatherBoyScoutuniformsandsmasheachotherintheheadwithballpeenhammersastheytake turnsblowingtheircats.Theresnothingwrongwiththat;itsavictimlesshobby.Andthinkofhow happythecatmustbe.No,wereonlygoingtolockuprapistsandmolesters;thosehopelessromantics whoaresofulloflovetheycanthelpgettinalittleofitonyou.Usuallyonyourleg. Youtakealltheseheavybreathingfunseekers,andyousticktheminWyoming.Andyouletthemsuck, fuck,andfondle.Youletthemblow,chew,sniff,lick,whip,gobble,andcornholeoneother...until theirtesticlesarewhistlinOComeAllYeFaithful.Thenyouturnonthecameras,andyouvegot. ..theSemenChannel!Anddontforgetourcorporatesponsor.WeregoingtoletBudweiserputlittle logopatchesontherapistspants:Thispudsforyou!

Nextgroup:Drugaddictsandalcoholics.Notallofthem,dontgetnervous.Justtheoneswhoare makinglifedifficultforatleastoneotherperson.Andwerenotgonnabotherfirstoffenders;people deserveachancetocleanup.So,everyonewillgettwelvechancestocleanup.Okayokay,fifteen!Fine! Thatsfair,andthatsallyouget.Ifyoucantmakeitinfifteentries,offyougo...toColorado!The perfectplaceforstayingloaded. Eachweek,alloftheillegaldrugsconfiscatedintheUnitedStatesatleastthosedrugsthepoliceand DEAdontkeepfortheirownpersonalusewillbeairdroppedintoColorado.Thatway,everyonecan staystoned,bombed,wasted,smashed,hammered,andfuckeduparoundtheclockonanothernew cablechannel:ShitfaceCentral.ThisistherealRockyMountainhigh. Now,Ivesavedmyfavoritegroupforlast.TheManiacsandCrazyPeople.Theoneswholiveoutwhere thebusesdontrun.AndIalwaystakecaretodistinguishbetweenmaniacsandcrazypeople.Amaniac willbeatninepeopletodeathwithasteeldildo.Acrazypersonwillbeatninepeopletodeathwitha steeldildo,buthellbewearingaBugsBunnysuitatthetime. Soyoucantputthemallaway.Youhavetokeepsomeofthemaroundjustfortheentertainment.Like theguywhotellsyoutheKingofSwedenisusinghisgallbladderasaradiotransmittertosendanti Semitic,lesbianmeatloafrecipestoMarvinHamlisch.Aguylikethat,youwanttogivehimhisown radioshow. No,theManiacFarmwillbeusedstrictlyforhopelesscases.Likeaguywhogetsabigtattooonhischest ofMadonnatakingashit.Youknow?Thenhetellsyouthatifheflexescertainmusclesitlookslike sheswipinherass.Aguylikethat,youwannagethimintocustodyasquicklyaspossible. Now,fortheManiacFarmIthinktheresnoquestionwehavetogowithUtah.Easytofence,andright nexttoWyomingandColorado.AndColoradoisrightnextto?Right,Kansas!Andthatmeansthatall fourgroupsofourmostamusingcitizensarenowinoneplace.Exceptforthebigelectricfences.And, folks,IthinkIhaveanotheroneofmyreallygoodideasforcableTV.Gates!Smallslidinggatesinthe fences. Thinkwhatyouhavehere.Fourgroups:degenerates,predators,crackheads,andfruitcakes.All separatedby900milesoffence.Andhereshowyouhavesomefun:everytenmiles,youputasmall,

slidinggateinthefence.Butthegatesareonlytenincheswide,andtheyreonlyopenedoncea month.Forsevenseconds. Andyouknowsomething?Fuckcable,thisstuffbelongsonpayperview.Becauseifthosegatesare onlyopensevensecondsamonth,youaregonnahavesomemightyinterestingpeopletryingtobefirst online.Deeplydisturbed,armed,crankylunaticsondrugs!Youknowtheones:alotoftattoos;alotof teethbrokenoffatthegumline.ThetruefaceofAmerica.Andeverytimeyouopenthegatesafewof themoreaggressiveonesaregonnaslipthrough.Thecrmedelacrme.Thealphas!Theyregonna slipthrough,theyregonnafindeachother,andtheyregonnacrossbreed. AndprettysoonyoullhavetheAmericanmeltingpot:childkillers,corpsefuckers,drugzombies,and fullblowntwelvecylinderwackaloons.Allwanderingthelandscapeinsearchoftruth.Andfun.Justlike now.Everyonewillhaveguns,everyonewillhavedrugs,andnoonewillbeincharge.Justlikenow.But SocialSecuritywillbefullyfunded. ILLBERIGHTBACK Iveneverbeenimpressedwithpeoplewhotellmewhattheyplantodowhentheygotothe bathroom.Doesntthatbotheryou?Peoplewhoannouncetheirintentions? Illberightback,Trevor,Imgonnatakeashit. Nevermind,Pietro!Dowhatyouhavetoandleavemeoutofit.Andpleasedontdescribeitwhen yougetback. [Time,amongotherthings,passes.] Boy,youshouldaseen... Nevermind!

Itsetoffthesmokealarm. Nevermind! Therestroomattendantpassedout. Iveneverunderstoodpeoplewhodescribetheirbowelachievements.NorhaveImuchcaredforit. Especiallyatafinerestaurant. NOTEVERYEJACULATIONDESERVESANAME Haveyounoticedthatmostpeoplewhoareagainstabortionarepeopleyouwouldntwanttofuckin thefirstplace?Conservativesarephysicallyunattractiveandmorallyinconsistent.Theyreobsessed withfetusesfromconceptiontoninemonths,butafterthattheyhavenointerestinyou.None.Noday care,noHeadStart,noschoollunch,nofoodstamps,nowelfare,nonothin.Ifyourepreborn, yourefine;ifyourepreschool,yourefucked. Onceyouleavethewomb,conservativesdontcareaboutyouuntilyoureachmilitaryage.Then yourejustwhattheyrelookingfor.Conservativeswantlivebabiessotheycanraisethemtobedead soldiers. Prolife.Howcantheybeprolifewhentheyrekillingdoctors?Whatsortofmoralphilosophyisthat? Welldoanythingtosaveafetus,butwemighthavetokillitlateronifitgrowsuptobeadoctor? Theyrenotprolife;theyreantiwoman.Simple.Theyreafraidofwomen,andtheydontlikethem. TheybelieveawomansprimaryroleistofunctionasabroodmarefortheState.Iftheythinkafetusis moreimportantthanawoman,theyshouldtrygettingafetustowashtheshitstainsoutoftheir underwear.Fornopay. Prolife.Youdontseemanywhite,antiabortionwomenvolunteeringtohaveblackfetuses transplantedintotheiruteruses,doyou?No.Youdontseethemadoptinganycrackbabies,doyou? No,thatssomethingJesuswoulddo.

 Andyouwontseemanyprolifersdousingthemselveswithkeroseneandlightingthemselvesonfire. RemembertheBuddhistmonksinVietnam?MorallycommittedreligiouspeopleinSoutheastAsiaknew howtostageaprotest:lightyourselfonfire!Cmon,youChristiancrusaders,letsseealittlesmoke. Letsseeifyoucanmatchthatfireinyourbellies. Separatethought:Whyisitwhenitsahumanbeingitscalledanabortion,andwhenitsachicken itscalledanomelet.Arewesomuchbetterthanchickens?Whendidthathappen?Namesixways werebetterthanchickens.See?Noonecandoit.Youknowwhy?Becausechickensaredecent people. Youdontseechickenshangingaroundindruggangs,doyou?No.Youdontseechickensstrappin someonetoachairandhookinuptheirnutstoacarbattery.Andwhensthelasttimeyouheard aboutachickenwhocamehomefromworkandbeattheshitoutofhishen?Huh?Itdoesnthappen. Youknowwhy?Becausechickensaredecentpeople. Backtoabortion:ThecentralquestionseemstobeArefetuseshumanbeings?Well,iffetusesare humanbeings,whyarenttheycountedbythecensus?Iffetusesarehumanbeings,whyisittheres nofuneralfollowingamiscarriage?Iffetusesarehumanbeings,whydopeoplesay,Wehavetwo childrenandoneontheway,insteadofsaying,Wehavethreechildren? Somepeoplesaylifebeginsatconception;Isaylifebeganabillionyearsago,anditsacontinuous process.Andactually,itgoesbackfartherthanthat.Whataboutthecarbonatoms?Humanlifecould notexistwithoutcarbon.Soisitpossiblethatmaybeweshouldntbeburningallthiscoal?Idont meantobepicky,Imjustlookinforalittleconsistency. Thehardcoreproliferstellusthatlifebeginsatfertilization,whenthespermfertilizestheegg.Which usuallyoccursafewminutesafterthemansays,Sorry,honey,Iwasgonnapullout,butthephone startledme. Butevenafterfertilizationitsstillsixorsevendaysbeforetheeggreachestheuterusandpregnancy begins.Andnoteveryeggmakesit.Eightypercentofawomansfertilizedeggsarerinsedoutofher bodyonceamonthduringthosedelightfulfewdaysshehas.Theyenduponsanitarynapkins,andyet theyarefertilizedeggs.So,whattheseantiabortionpeopleareactuallytellingusisthatanywoman

whoshadmorethanoneperiodisaserialkiller.Idontmeantobepicky,Imjustlookingforalittle consistency. Andspeakingofconsistency,CatholicswhichIwasuntilIreachedtheageofreasonCatholicsand otherChristiansareagainstabortions,andtheyreagainsthomosexuals.Well,whohaslessabortions thanhomosexuals?Heresanentireclassofcitizensguaranteednevertohaveanabortion,andthe CatholicsandChristiansarejusttossinthemaside.Youdthinktheydbenaturalallies. AndregardingtheCatholics,whenIhearthatthePopeandsomeofhisholyfriendshave experiencedtheirfirstpregnanciesandlaborpains,andraisedacoupleofchildrenonminimumwage, Illbegladtohearwhattheyhavetosayaboutabortion.Inthemeantime,whattheyoughttodoistell thesepriestswhotookavowofchastitytokeeptheirhandsoffthealtarboys.WhenJesussaid,Suffer thelittlechildrencomeuntome,pedophiliaisnotwhathewastalkingabout.Hehadsomethingelse inmind. IVEGOTYOURSANCTITYOFLIFE Onephrasethatcomesupquiteabitinabortiondiscussionsissanctityoflife.Whataboutthat?Do youthinktheressuchathingassanctityoflife?Personally,Ithinkitsabunchofshit.Whosayslifeis sacred?God?Great,butifyoureadyourhistoryyouknowthatGodisoneoftheleadingcausesof deathandhasbeenforthousandsofyears.Hindus,Moslems,Christians,Jews,alltakingturnskillingone another,becauseGodtoldthemitwasagoodidea.TheswordofGod,thebloodofthelamb, vengeanceismine.Millionsofdeadpeople.AllbecausetheygavethewronganswertotheGod Question: DoyoubelieveinGod? No. BAM!Dead. Howaboutyou?DoyoubelieveinGod?

 Yes. DoyoubelieveinmyGod? No. BAM!Dead! Mygodhasabiggerdickthanyourgod. Forthousandsofyearsallthebloodiestandmostbrutalwarshavebeenbasedonreligioushatred. Which,ofcourse,isfinewithme;anytimeholypeoplearekillingoneanother,Imahappyguy.But please,dontkilleachotherandthengivemethatshitaboutsanctityoflife.Eveniftherewere suchanabsurdthing,IdontthinkyoucouldblameitonGod. Youknowwherethesanctityoflifecomesfrom?Wemadeitup.Youknowwhy?Becausewerealive. Selfinterest!Livingpeoplehaveastrongincentivetopromotetheideathatsomehowlifeissacred.You dontseeBingCrosbyrunninaroundtalkingaboutthisshit,doyou?Youdonthearmuchfrom Mussolinionthesubject.AndwhatsthelatestfromJFK?Notagoddamnthing!Youknowwhy? BecauseJFK,Mussolini,andBingCrosbyareallfuckindead.Theyrefuckindead,anddeadpeople givelessthanashitaboutthesanctityoflife. Theonlypeoplewhocareaboutitaretheliving.Sothewholethinggrowsoutofabiasedpointofview. Itsaselfserving,manmadebullshitstory;oneofthosethingswetellourselvesinordertofeelnoble. Lifeissacred.Makesusfeelgood.Butletmeaskyouthis:Ifeverythingthateverlivedisdead,and everythingaliveisgoingtodie,wheredoesthesacredpartcomein?Canyouhelpmeonthat? Becauseevenwithallwepreachaboutthesanctityoflife,wedontpracticeit.Lookatwhatwekill: Mosquitoesandflies,becausetheyrepests.Lionsandtigers,becauseitsfun.Chickensandpigs, becausewerehungry.Andpeople.Wekillpeople.Becausetheyrepests.Andbecauseitsfun!

 AndheressomethingelseInoticed.Apparently,thesanctityoflifedoesntapplytocancercells,does it?YourarelyseeabumperstickerthatsaysSavetheTumors.OrIBrakeforAdvancedMelanoma.No. Viruses,molds,mildew,maggots,fungus,weeds,intestinalworms,E.colibacteria,thecrabs.Nothin sacredaboutthosethings.Justus. So,atbest,thesanctityoflifeisaselectivething.Wechoosewhichformsoflifewefeelaresacred,and wegettokilltherest.Prettyneatdeal.Youknowhowwegotit?Wemadethewholethingup!Same waywemadeupthedeathpenalty.Thesanctityoflife,andthedeathpenalty.Weresuchaversatile species. READYORNOT,HEREWE COME! ThelatestdisasterforthesolarsystemisthattheUnitedStateshasdecidedgotoMars.And,ofcourse, laterweintendtocolonizedeepspacewithourSaladShootersandSnotCandyandmicrowavehot dogs.Butletmeaskyouthis:WhatarewegoingtotelltheIntergalacticCouncilthefirsttimeoneofour youngwomenthrowshernewbornbabyoutofaseventhstorywindow?Andhowdoweexplaintothe NearStellarTradeConfederationthatourrepresentativewaslateforthemeetingbecausehisbreakfast wascold,andhehadtospendthirtyminutesbeatingtheshitoutofhiswife? DoyouthinktheeldersoftheUniversalBoardofWisdomwillunderstandthatitssimplybecauseof quaintlocalcustomsthatover80millionofourwomenhavehadtheirclitorisesandlabiacutoffand theirvulvassewnshutinordertomakethemmoremarriageableandunabletoderivepleasurefromsex andthusneverbeathreattostrayfromtheirhusbandsbeds? Cantyoujustsensehoweagertherestoftheuniverseisforustoshowup? NEVERHEARDOFHIM!

Youevernoticethatsuddenlyovernightsomeoneyouneverheardofbecomesabigcelebrity;andyou neverheardtheirnamebefore?Ever?Andyouthink,Whothefuckisthis?Howcanthishappenwithout menoticing?Usuallyitsbecausethepersonisinsomelineofworkyourenotinterestedin,like popularmusicornetworktelevision.TheyreonsomeTVshowyouwouldntwatchunlessyouwere strappedinbedinanuthouse,butsuddenlytherearebigmagazinearticlesaboutthem,andtheyreon LenoandLetterman.Dontyoufeelreallygoodtwoyearslaterwhentheyvecompletelydisappeared; gonebacktothesupermarket?Itsverysatisfying. SHORTTAKES Haveyoueverbeenontrialformurder?Itsweird.Youdontknowwhattodowithyourself.Singing isout.MostlyIstareatthejudge. Isavegetarianpermittedtoeatanimalcrackers? Ivefiguredouthowtocommittheperfectdoublemurder.Youpickonepersonupbytheanklesand beattheotherpersontodeathwithhim.Theybothdie,andtheresnomurderweapon. PegLegBatesswifeisonepersonwhoneverhadtowaitfortheothershoetodrop. Haveyoueverhadahatchetgorightthroughyourface?Notaglancingblow,butafullonshot,deep intoyourforehead?Deepenoughsoyoucanshakeyourheadandthehatchetdoesntfallout?Its thestrangestfeeling.Becausejustafterthehatchetgoesin,andbeforetheresanypain,youcanfeela gentlepuffofcoolaironyourbrain.Itfeelsgood.Butsinceitstheonlywaytogetthatfeeling,Itry nottogettoohunguponit. WouldntitbegreatifjustoneofthesetimesatDaytonaorIndianapolis,becauseofaccidentsand variousmechanicalfailures,thereweresimplynocarsatalllefttofinishtherace?Whatcolorflagwould theywavethen?SuggestedbumperstickerWeAretheProudParentsofaChildWhoseSelfEsteemIs Sufficientthat HeDoesntNeedUsAdvertisingHisMinorScholasticAchievementsontheBumperofOurCar.When didtheypassalawthatsaysthepeoplewhomakemysandwichhavetobewearinggloves?Imnot

comfortablewiththis;Idontwantgloveresidueallovermyfood.Itsnotsanitary.Whoknowswhere thesegloveshavebeen?Letsgetbacktohumanhandsmakingsandwichesforhumanbeings. Asyouswimtheriveroflife,dothebreaststroke.Ithelpstocleartheturdsfromyourpath. YOUPICKIT,ILLLICKIT. Haveyouevertriedtothrowawayanoldwastebasket?Youcantdoit.Peoplekeepbringingitback: Here,Howie,Ifoundyourwastebasketinthegarbage.Apparently,youhavetocompletelydestroya wastebasketinordertoconvincepeopleyoureallydontwantitanymore. InLosAngeles,theresahotlineforpeopleindenial.Sofarnoonehascalled. JustonceIdliketoseeahighspeedfuneralprocession.Ahearse,someflowercars,andabunchof limousinestearinassthroughtownat70milesanhour,ontheirwaytothecemetery.Maybesomeday a racecardriverwillputthatinhiswill. YouknowabusinessthatdoesntlenditselftooeasilytotheInternet?Paytoilets. HeressomethingIconsideracrimeagainstsociety:womenwithhyphenatednames.Hey,lady,picka fuckinname,willyou? Hi.ImEmilyJarrikovFortescu. Hi.ImGeorgeJerkmeoffFuckyoutoo! Attentionwomen:Youdontattainselfesteemorpersonaldignitybyaddinganametoyourname. Modernfeministsapparentlythinkhyphenationisaradicalact.Itsnot.Castratingamaninaparking lot withaCokebottleisaradicalact.Hyphenatingyournameispretentious,middleclassbullshit. Nooneeverknowswhatsnext,buttheyalwaysdoit. Youknowwhattheydonthave?AreallygoodFrenchfootballplayer.Youneverhearaboutsomeguy namedPierreLaDouxsmashingthroughthelineofscrimmageandpickingupafirstdown.Whyisthat?

 TheonlyhipthinglefttodoinAmericaistoblowupabuilding.Believeme.FunStuff:Walkintoagun store,buythreegunsandabunchofammunition.Thenaskthemiftheyhaveanyskimasks.Ihavea veryinexpensivesecuritysystem.Ifsomeonebreaksintomyhouse,Irunnextdoorandthrowabrick throughmyneighborswindow.ThatsetsoffhisalarmandwhenthepolicearriveIdirectthemtomy house. AsAsianimmigrantsbecomemorecompletelyassimilatedintoAmericansocietyoverthenextfew generations,theirstandardsofhardworkandacademicexcellencewilldrop,andtheywillfeelmoreat homehere. Someteenagegirlsdelaygettingabortionsbecausetheyreafraidtocomplywiththeparental notificationlaws.Especiallyifoneoftheparentsalsohappenstobethefatherofthechild. Heresaplasticsurgeryoption:haveonenostrilsewnshut.IfeellikeImightbereadyforthat. RegardingthePledgeofAllegianceandotherpatrioticnonsense:whatdoesplacingyourhandoveryour hearthavetodowithanything?Orremovingyourhatwhentheflagispassingby?AmImissing something? TrueStuff:ThereisactuallyaTowTruckHallofFame. IjustrealizedIhaventbeenscaredinareallylongtime. Didntthefirstguywhoworeasombrerorealizeitwascompletelyimpracticalwheneatingpussy? Idontunderstandmotivationbooks.Whathappenedhere?Suddenlyeverybodyneedstobe motivated?Itsafairlysimplething:eitheryouwanttodosomethingoryoudont;theresno mystery.Besides,ifyouremotivatedenoughtogotothestoretobuyamotivationbook,arentyou motivatedenoughtodothat?So,youdontneedthebook.Putitback.Telltheclerk,Fuckyou,Im goinhome.Imalreadymotivated.

SafetyTip:Alwayswearaleatherglovewhengivingaporcupineahandjob. Youknowawordyoudonthearenoughanymore?Hosiery. SPORTSSHOULDBEFIXED:SECONDHALF Basketball:NoHarm,NoFun Continuingmyattempttoimproveprofessionalsportswithbasketball,onceagainIproposetomakethe gamemoreexcitingbychangingtherules.ButinthiscaseIconcentratelessonviolenceandinjuriesand abitmoreonspicingupthegame. Tobeginwith,basketballwouldbefasterandawholelotmoreexcitingiftheyhadathreesecondshot clock.Nevermindthatpassingshit;assoonastheballisinplay,getthatsonofabitchupintheair.I didntpaytowatchagameofcatch,Imlookinfora700pointballgame. Heresanothergoodsuggestion:allfreethrowsshouldbetakenasjumpshots.Playersshouldhaveto drivefromhalfcourt,pullupatthefoulline,andshootthejumper.Muchmoreexciting.Andspeaking offoulshots,Iwouldretainthesixfoullimit,butIwouldincreaseittosixfoulsperquarterperman. Thiswayyouavoidthatstupidfoultroubleshitandkeepthestarsonthecourt. Next,Ithinkbeforeanyonetouchesarebound,itshouldbeallowedtobounceonetimeandthenlet theplayersfightoverit.Andifareboundgoesintothestands,thespectatorwhocatchestheball shouldbeallowedtoshoottwofreethrowsforhisteam.Getthefansinvolved. Andheressomethinginterestingnooneelsehasthoughtof:whenoneofthosehyperactiveplayers divesintothecrowdtryingtokeepaballfromgoingoutofbounds,heshouldhavetostayandsitinthe standsforthreeminutes.Likethepenaltyboxinhockey.Andbytheway,whenisoneofthosediving, CharlieHustleguysgonnabreakhisfuckinneckonachair?Youjustdontseeenoughofthatsortof thing.

Heresanothergoodidea:fiftypointsforanyshotmadefrombeyondthehalfcourtline.Itwouldbe greatforthoselopsidedgamesinthefourthquarter.AndIllguaranteeyousomeguyswouldpractice thatshotandgetgoodatit.Thentheycouldjusthangaroundhalfcourtthewholegame,andwhenthe teamsswitchbasketsathalftime,alltheydhavetodoisturnaroundandfacetheotherway. SomethingelseIllbethasnevercomeupatameetingoftherulescommittee:bonuspointsforany shotthatgoesinthebasketafterbouncingoffanotherguyshead.Fiftypointsifitsateammate,100 ifitsanopponent.Believeme,youdseealotofgoodfights.And,actually,thebraininjuriesalone wouldmakethisonewellworthtrying. Twomoresuggestions.Ifateamfallsbehindbymorethan15points,theyhavetolettheirgirlfriends comeinandhelpthemondefense.Itsjustthekindofmotivationthesemachodudsneedtokeepthe gamesclose. Andlastand,honestly,IdonotthinkthisisexcessiveduringovertimeperiodsIwouldallowthe playerstousesmallpersonalweapons,excludingfirearms.Ithinkknivesandblackjacks,employed sparingly,wouldcontributetosomerousingfinishesintheseevenlymatchedgames. DONTBLAMETHELEADERS You,thePeople Inthemidstofallmybitching,youmightvenoticedthatInevercomplainaboutpoliticians.Ileavethat toothers.Andtheresnoshortageofvolunteers;everyonecomplainsaboutpoliticians.Everyonesays theysuck. Butwheredopeoplethinkthesepoliticianscomefrom?Theydontfalloutofthesky;theydontpass throughamembranefromaseparatereality.TheycomefromAmericanhomes,Americanfamilies, Americanschools,Americanchurches,andAmericanbusinesses.AndtheyreelectedbyAmerican voters.Thisiswhatoursystemproduces,folks.Thisisthebestwecando.Letsfaceit,wehavevery littletoworkwith.Garbagein,garbageout.

Ignorantcitizenselectignorantleaders,itsassimpleasthat.Andtermlimitsdonthelp.Allyoudois getabrandnewbunchofignorantleaders. Somaybeitsnotthepoliticianswhosuck;maybeitssomethingelse.Likethepublic.Thatwouldbea nicerealisticcampaignsloganforsomebody:Thepublicsucks.Electme.Puttheblamewhereit belongs:onthepeople. Becauseifeverythingisreallythefaultofpoliticians,whereareallthebright,honest,intelligent Americanswhoarereadytostepinandreplacethem?Wherearethesepeoplehiding?Thetruthis,we donthavepeoplelikethat.Everyonesatthemall,scratchinghisballsandbuyingsneakerswithlights inthem.Andcomplainingaboutthepoliticians. Vote?No! Formyself,Ihavesolvedthispoliticaldilemmainaverydirectway.OnElectionDay,Istayhome.Two reasons:firstofall,votingismeaningless;thiscountrywasboughtandpaidforalongtimeago.That emptyshittheyshufflearoundandrepackageeveryfouryearsdoesntmeanathing. Second,Idontvote,becauseIfirmlybelievethatifyouvote,youhavenorighttocomplain.Iknow somepeopleliketotwistthataroundandsay,Ifyoudontvote,youhavenorighttocomplain.But wheresthelogicinthat?Thinkitthrough:ifyouvote,andyouelectdishonest,incompetent politicians,andtheyscrewthingsup,thenyoureresponsibleforwhattheyvedone.Youvotedthem in.Youcausedtheproblem.Youhavenorighttocomplain. I,ontheotherhand,whodidnotvotewho,infact,didnotevenleavethehouseonElectionDayam innowayresponsibleforwhatthesepoliticianshavedoneandhaveeveryrighttocomplainaboutthe messyoucreated.WhichIhadnothingtodowith.Whycantpeopleseethat? Now,Irealizelastyearyoufolkshadanotheroneofthosereallyswellpresidentialelectionsyou treasuresomuch.Thatwasnice.Imsureyouhadagoodtime,andImsurethateveryoneslifehas nowimproved.ButImhappytotellyouthatonElectionDayIstayedhome.AndIdidessentiallywhat youdid.TheonlydifferenceiswhenIgotfinishedmasturbatingIhadsomethingtoshowforit.

 The20thCenturyWorldHostilityScoreboard Thefollowingisalistofhostilitiesthattookplaceinthe20thCenturyamongthecivilizedpeoplesofthe world.Theuncivilizedwereunabletoprovidereliablestatistics. 2worldwars 250civilwars 311holywars 1coldwar 516warsofliberation 331warsofcontainment 691warsofhonor 296declaredwars 856undeclaredwars 4brushfirewars 2vestpocketwars 413limitedwars 1,987actsofwar 7,756warlikeacts 88policeactions2nuclearattacks6,578governmentmassacres 4holocausts943jihads693pogroms614longtermpersecutions 12,111actsoftreachery575betrayalsofthemasses958grabsforpower400putsches 50totalenslavements837partialenslavements4totalgenocides461partialgenocides 13,658ceasefireviolations3,115boundarydisputes1,432borderclashes3,047socialconflicts 798sectarianrivalries13,678civildisturbances

946carpetbombings 4,288threatstosecurity 286popularuprisings 1,877areasofunrest 622strifetornregions 165internalupheavals 745politicalrepressions 12,194actsofsabotage 1,633swiftreprisals 818armedresistances 639repressivemeasures 1,126violentoutbursts9,876massdetentions11,904guerillaoperations3,466suicidemissions 823slaughters 1,200bloodbaths 43,096atrocities161reignsofterror715rebellions28revolutions 21counterrevolutions746coups745countercoups457insurgencies458counterinsurgencies 4,622covertoperations3,422directinterventions617enemyincursions 13measuredresponses295commandostrikes694retaliatoryraids844surpriseattacks236protective reactions 2,155frontalassaults213responsesinkind17,867hostileincidents 4,756belligerentmoves938nakedaggressions849foreignadventures601overseasentanglements307 armsraces 98internationalpowderkegs515regionaltinderboxes818militaryflashpoints 2,415heatedexchanges911showsofforce668heighteningsoftension735deliberateprovocations 921militaryconfrontations639dangerousescalations 3,721terroristbombings438preemptivestrikes630outsideaggressions 8,571violentdisturbances646surgicalstrikes

82,879ultimatums788,969,747heatedarguments823,285,571shovingmatches917,704,296fistfights 942,759,050snottyphonecalls Thatshowwedid,folks.Notabadrecord,althoughwecouldhavedonebetter,consideringthe numberoffoolsinourranks. ROCKETSANDPENISESINTHEPERSIANGULF HistoryLesson IdliketotalkalittleaboutthatwarwehadinthePersianGulf.Rememberthat?Thebigwarinthe PersianGulf?Lemmetellyouwhatwasgoinon. Naturally,youcanforgetallthatentertainingfictionabouthavingtodefendthemodeldemocracythose luckyKuwaitisgettoliveunder.Andforthemomentyoucanalsoputasidetheveryreal,periodicneed Americanshavefortestingtheirnewweaponsonhumanflesh.Andalso,justforthefunofit,lets ignoreGeorgeBushsobligationtoprotecttheoilinterestsofhisfamilyandfriends.Therewas another,muchmoreimportant,considerationatwork.Hereswhatreallyhappened. DroppingaLoadforUncleSam ThesimplefactisthatAmericawaslongoverduetodrophighexplosivesonhelplesscivilians;people whohavenoargumentwithuswhatsoever.Afterall,ithadbeenawhile,andthehungergnaws. Rememberthatsourspecialty:pickingoncountriesthathavemarginallyeffectiveairforces. Yugoslaviaisanother,morerecent,example. SurfingUnnecessary Butallthataside,letmetellyouwhatIlikedaboutthatGulfWar:itwasthefirstwarthatappearedon everytelevisionchannel,includingcable.AndeventhoughtheTVshowconsistedlargelyofPentagon warcriminalsdisplayingmapsandcharts,itgotverygoodratings.Andthatmakessense,becausewe likewar.Wereawarlikepeople.Wecantstandnottobefuckingwithsomeone.Wecouldntwait

fortheColdWartoendsowecouldclimbintothebigArabsandboxandplaywithournicenewtoys. Weenjoywar. Andonereasonweenjoyitisthatweregoodatit.Youknowwhyweregoodatit?Becausewegeta lotofpractice.Thiscountryisonly200yearsold,andalreadywevehadtenmajorwars.Weaveragea majorwareverytwentyyears.Soweregoodatit! Anditsjustaswellweare,becausewerenotverygoodatanythingelse.Cantbuildadecentcar anymore.CantmakeaTVset,acellphone,oraVCR.Gotnosteelindustryleft.Notextiles.Cant educateouryoungpeople.Cantgethealthcaretoouroldpeople.Butwecanbombtheshitoutta yourcountry,allright.Wecanbombtheshitouttayourcountry! IfYoureBrown,YoureGoinDown Especiallyifyourcountryisfullofbrownpeople.Oh,welikethat,dontwe?Thatsourhobbynow. Butitsalsoournewjobintheworld:bombingbrownpeople.Iraq,Panama,Grenada,Libya.Yougot somebrownpeopleinyourcountry?Tellemtowatchthefuckout,orwellgoddamnbombthem! Well,whowerethelastwhitepeopleyoucanrememberthatwebombed?Infact,canyouremember anywhitepeopleweeverbombed?TheGermans!Thatsit!Thosearetheonlyones.Andthatwasonly becausetheyweretryintocutinonouraction.Theywantedtodominatetheworld.Bullshit!Thats ourjob.Thatsourfuckinjob. ButtheGermansareancienthistory.Thesedays,weonlybombbrownpeople.Andnotbecause theyrecuttinginonouraction;wedoitbecausetheyrebrown.EventhoseSerbswebombedin Yugoslaviaarentreallywhite,arethey?Naaah!Theyresortofdownneartheswarthyendofthe whitespectrum.Justbrownenoughtobomb.ImstillwaitingforthedaywebombtheEnglish.People whoreallydeserveit. ADisobedientAmerican Now,youfolksmightvenoticed,IdontfeelaboutthatGulfWarthewaywewereinstructedtofeel aboutitbytheUnitedStatesgovernment.Myminddoesntworkthatway.Yousee,Ivegotthisreal

moronthingIdo,itscalledthinking.AndIguessImnotaverygoodAmerican,becauseIliketo formmyownopinions;IdontjustrolloverwhenImtold.MostAmericansrolloveroncommand. Notme.TherearecertainrulesIobserve. BelieveYouMe Myfirstrule:Neverbelieveanythinganyoneinauthoritysays.Noneofthem.Government,police, clergy,thecorporatecriminals.Noneofthem.AndneitherdoIbelieveanythingImtoldbythemedia, who,inthecaseoftheGulfWar,functionedaslittlemorethanunpaidemployeesoftheDefense Department,andwho,mostofthetime,operateasanunofficialpublicrelationsagencyforgovernment andindustry. Idontbelieveinanyofthem.AndIhavetotellyou,folks,Idontreallybelieveverymuchinmy countryeither.IdontgetallchokedupaboutyellowribbonsandAmericanflags.Iseethemas symbols,andIleavethemtothesymbolminded. ShowUsYourDick Ialsolookatwaritselfalittledifferentlyfrommost.Iseeitlargelyasanexerciseindickwaving.Thats reallyallitis:alotofmenstandingaroundinafieldwavingtheirdicksatoneanother.Men,insecure aboutthesizeoftheirpenises,choosetokilloneanother. Thatsalsowhatallthatmoronathletebullshitisabout,andwhatthatmacho,maleposturingand struttingaroundinbarsandlockerroomsrepresents.Itscalleddickfear.Menareterrifiedthat theirdicksareinadequate,andsotheyhavetocompeteinordertofeelbetteraboutthemselves. Andsincewaristheultimatecompetition,essentiallymenarekillingoneanotherinordertoimprove theirgenitalselfesteem. YouneedntbeahistorianorapoliticalscientisttoseetheBiggerDickForeignPolicyTheoryatwork.It goeslikethis:What?Theyhavebiggerdicks?Bombthem!Andofcourse,thebombs,therockets, andthebulletsareallshapedlikepenises.Phallicweapons.Theresanunconsciousneedtoprojectthe nationalpenisintotheaffairsofothers.Itscalledfuckingwithpeople.

 ShowUsYourBush So,asfarasImconcerned,thatwholethinginthePersianGulfwasnothingmorethanonebigdick wavingcockfight.Inthisparticularcase,SaddamHusseinquestionedthesizeofGeorgeBushsdick. AndGeorgeBushhadbeencalledawimpforsolong,heapparentlyfelttheneedtoactouthis manhoodfantasiesbysendingAmericaswhitechildrentokillotherpeoplesbrownchildren.Clearly theworstkindofwimp. Evenhisname,Bush,asslang,isrelatedtothegenitalswithoutactuallybeingthegenitals.Abushis sortofapassive,secondarysexcharacteristic.Itsevenusedasaslangtermforwomen:Hey,pal, howsthebushinthisarea?Icanthelpthinking,ifthispresidentsnamehadbeenGeorgeBoner. ..well,hemighthavefeltalittlebetterabouthimself,andhewouldnthavehadtokillallthose children.Toobadhecouldntlocatehismanhood. PrematureExtraction Actually,whenyouthinkaboutit,thiscountryhashadamanhoodproblemforsometime.Youcantell bythelanguageweuse;languagealwaysgivesusaway.WhatdidwedowronginVietnam?Wepulled out!Notaverymanlythingtodo.No.Whenyourefuckingpeople,youresupposedtostaywithit andfuckthemgood;fuckthemtodeath;hanginthereandkeepfuckingthemuntiltheyreallfucking dead. ButinVietnamwhathappenedwasbyaccidentweleftafewwomenandchildrenalive,andwe haventfeltgoodaboutourselvessince.ThatswhyinthePersianGulf,GeorgeBushhadtosay,This willnotbeanotherVietnam.Heactuallysaid,thistimeweregoingalltheway.Imagine.An Americanpresidentusingthesexualslangofathirteenyearoldtodescribehisforeignpolicy. And,ofcourse,whenitgotrightdowntoit,hedidntgoalltheway.FacedwithgoingintoBaghdad hepunkedout.Noballs.JustBush.Instead,heappliedsanctions,sohedbesurethatanextrahalfa millionbrownchildrenwoulddie.Andsohisoilbuddiescouldcontinuetofilltheirpockets. IfyouwanttoknowwhathappenedinthePersianGulf,justrememberthefirstnamesofthetwomen whoranthatwar:DickCheneyandColinPowell.Dickandcolon.Someonegotfuckedintheass.And

thosebrownpeoplebettermakesuretheykeeptheirpantson,becauseDickandColinhavecomeback foranencore. OLDANDSTINGY Heressomethingthatpissesmeoff:retiredpeoplewhodontwanttopaylocalpropertytaxes, becausetheysayitsnottheirgrandchildrenwhogototheschools.Meanspiritedretireesusuallyfrom outofstate.Cheap,selfish,oldBushvoters.TheonesIreadaboutwereinArizona.AARPmembers. Theytakeashitthesizeofapeanutandthinkitsanaccomplishment. Anditsnotliketheseretirementpeoplecantaffordthetaxmoney.Notalloldpeopleareas dependentonSocialSecuritychecksastheydlikeyoutothink.Someofthemgetallkindsofchecks: SocialSecurity,theVA,privatepensions,governmentpensions.Theyalsohavestockdividends,bank interest,andwhateverelsetheyvemanagedtosqueezeoutofthesystem. Andstilltheybegrudgetheirlocalpropertytaxessimplybecausetheirownfuckedup,crosseyed grandchildrenarentgonnausetheschools.Fuckem!Isaypayyourtaxesanddielikeeverybodyelse. Ihopetheychokeonanearlybirddinner. SHORTTAKES Whatexactlyiswrongwithinmatesrunningtheasylum?Itseemstometheyreinanidealpositionto knowjustwhatsneeded. HOORAYFORMOSTTHINGS! Whenitcomestomyorgans,Ivedecidedtodonateonlymyprostateandtesticles,withthestipulation thattheygotooneofthoselovelyfeminists. Heressomethingnooneeverwrotebefore:Bigbatsdowntoonefive,fiveovercross,upthethingo. Nose,baseball,hieroglyphics,hopscotch,pouch.Inevitably,twofoureight,foureight,foureight,four eighth.I.Iwithatwo,two,two.Three.Four.Five.Downhere,Mother,wereallhomenow.Solong,

Jill.Beepbeep.Hungry,hungry.Areyou?Icouldntstandit.Notinmyhouse.Upyours,too,Don.Hes packinthemin!Wellalltryit.Fiftyfifty?Okay,butnotme.Nooneeverwrotethatbefore.Not evenShakespeare.Improudofthat. Civilizationbeganitsdownhillpaththedaysomeguyfirstutteredthewords,Amansgottadowhata mansgottado. Haveyoueverbeeninthemiddleofanice,pleasantdream,whenyousuddenlywakeupandrealize someoneistryingtokillyou?YouknowwhatIdo?Igobacktosleep. Theysayifyoulivetobe100yourluckynumbergoesupbyone. NearasIcantell,jackshitanddiddlysquatareroughlythesameamount. Whatdoyouthinkaboutsomeguywhohearsavoiceinhisheadthattellshimtokillhisentirefamily, andhedoesit?Isthattheonlythingthesevoicesevertellparanoidguystodo?Killpeople?Doesnta voiceeversay,GotakeashitonthesaladbaratWendys!Doesntavoicetellaguytotakeouthis dickonthemerrygoround?Actually,someguysdotakeouttheirdicksonthemerrygoround.But usuallyitstheirownidea. Intheolddayswhitepeopleusedtoputblackgreasepaintontheirfacesandperformmenstrualshows. Thatmusthavebeenreallyinteresting. WhenIfirstheardthesongDontWorry,BeHappy,Irealizeditwasexactlythekindofmindless philosophythatAmericanswouldrespondto.Itwouldmakeagreatnationalmotto.Rightalongwith MeFirst. LittleKnownFact:Whenthestockexchangecloses,theguywhocomesoutonthebalconywiththatbig hammerslamsitontheheadofthepersonwholostthemostmoneythatday.

AmericahastoomanyfakeIrishpubs.GivingyourbaranIrishnamedoesntmakeitapub.Theword pubisearnedthehardway:tonsandtonsofpukeandthousandsofshatteredcheekbones. McDonaldsbreakfastforunderadollarisactuallymoreexpensivethanthat.Youhavetofactorinthe costofbypasssurgery. MayImakeitclearthatIdontcarewhatcountrythepopeisin?Imreallynotinterested.Allthe popeeverdoesisgoaroundtoplaceswherepeoplemakesixdollarsayearandtellthemtohavemore children.Isntthatbright?Andresponsible!Andcompassionate.Suchabright,responsible, compassionateman.Ifthepopewantstotravelaround,flauntinghiswealthandencouragingpoor peopletohavechildren,lethimdoitprivately.AndforGodssake,keepitofftelevision.Thepopeis notnews. NoonewhohaseverhadTapsplayedforthemhasbeenabletohearit. Althoughitstrueblondeshavemorefun,itsimportanttorememberthattheyalsohavemore venerealdisease. Ifyouwatchasitcomcarefully,youcanseethatitsreallynothingmorethanaseriesofdoorsopening andclosingwithaseriesofjackoffsenteringandexiting. Heresagreatidea:Aroachspraythatdoesntkilltheroach,but,instead,fillshimwithselfdoubtas towhetherornothesintherighthouse. Imsurelootersdontcallitlooting.Theyprobablythinkofitasextremeshopping. FUCKTHEPOLITICALCENTER AmericagotwhatitdeservedinElvisPresley:abigfat,drugaddictsquealer.Anddontgetmewrong, theresnothingwrongwithbeingadrugaddict.Buthewasntevenaddictedtoacooldruglike heroin.Itwasmedicine.Fuckindoctordrugs.

 Onegoodreasonformaintainingonlyasmallcircleoffriendsisthatthreeoutoffourmurdersare committedbypeoplewhoknowthevictim. Ifyouliveonthewrongsideofthetracksbutgetupontherightsideofthebed,dothosethingscancel eachotherout?Probablynot. Professionalsoldiersarepeoplewhodieforaliving. HeresSomeFun:Gointoaphotographyshopandaskthemanifyoucanbuythepicturesoftheother peopleinthewindow.Say,Howmuchforthatheavysetcouple?Iguaranteetheyllstareatyoua longtime.Infact,theymightevenbackupseveralfeet. WhenevertheysaysomeonegothitbyastraybulletIwonderaboutthechoiceofwords.Itseemsto methebulletisntstrayatall.Itsdoingexactlywhatphysicspredicts:travellinginastraightline. Whatssostrayaboutthat? ATLEASTEATAFUCKINLIMABEAN,WILLYA? BeverlyHillshasanewrestaurantforbulimiavictims.ItscalledTheScarfandBarf.Originally,they weregonnacallitTheForkandBucket.ThankGod,onceagaingoodtasteprevailedinBeverlyHills. Theyrealsoplanningarestaurantforanorexics,butagain,havingtroublewiththename.Itsatoss upbetweenTheEmptyPlateandLonesomeChef.IsuggestedStartWithoutMe,Guys. Tellyouthetruth,Idontfeelsorryforananorexic.Doyou?Somerichcuntdoesntwannaeat?Fuck her!Donteat.Igiveashit.LikeImsupposedtobeconcerned. Idontwannaeat!

Gofuckyourself!Whydontyouliedowninfrontofarailroadtrainafteryoudonteat? Whatkindofagoddamndiseaseisanorexia,anyway?Idontwannaeat!Howdowecomeupwith thisshit?Wheredowegetourvalues? Bulimia.TheresanotherallAmericandisease.Thishasgottabetheonlycountryintheworldwhere somepeoplearedigginginthedumpsterforapeachpitwhileotherpeopleeatanicemealandpukeit upintentionally.Wheredowegetourvalues? FACETOFACEWITHTHECLOCK Irememberwhentheytriedtoteachmetotelltimeasalittleboy.Whattheydidntknow,ofcourse, wasthatyoudonttelltime;timetellsyou.Stilltheytried. Now,George,thebighandison... Idonthaveabighand.Bothmyhandsarelittle. Nevermind.Justlookattheclock. AndIdid.Itwaswonderful.Ilovethefaceofaclock.Tome,thereisgreatemotionattachedtotheface ofaclock.Aconventionalanalogclock. Digitalclocksareallrightintheirplace,Isuppose,buttheylackthefriendlyspatialrelationshipsthat existbetweenthehandsandthenumeralsonananalogclock. Theresapsychologicalcomponent:tome,thefirsthalfofanyhour,astheminutehandfallsfrom12 to6,passesalotmorequicklythanthesecondhalf,whenithastostruggleupward,fightinggravityall the way. Illsaythismuch:IfIhadonlyhalfanhourtolive,Idwantittobethesecondhalf.Ijustknowit wouldlastalittlelonger. GODHASGOTTAGO

Imakefunofpeoplewhoarereligious,becauseIthinktheyrefundamentallyweak.ButIwantyouto knowthatonapersonallevel,whenitcomestobelievinginGod,Itried.Ireally,reallytried.Itriedto believethereisaGod,whocreatedusinhisownimage,lovesusverymuch,andkeepsacloseeyeon things. Itriedtobelieveit.ButIhavetotellyou,thelongeryoulive,themoreyoulookaround,themoreyou realize...somethingisfucked.Somethingiswrong.War,disease,death,destruction,hunger,filth, poverty,torture,crime,corruption,andtheIceCapades.Somethingisdefinitelywrong. IfthisisthebestGodcando,Imnotimpressed.Resultslikethesedonotbelongonthersumofa supremebeing.Thisisthekindofstuffyoudexpectfromanofficetempwithabadattitude.Inany wellmanageduniverse,thisguywouldvebeenoutonhisallpowerfulassalongtimeago. So,ifthereisaGodifthereisIthinkreasonablepeoplemightagreehesatleastincompetentand maybe,justmaybe,hedoesntgiveashit.WhichIadmireinaperson,andwhichwouldexplainalotof hisresults. IGottheSunintheMornin So,ratherthanbecomingjustanothermindless,religiousrobot,blindlybelievingthateverythingisin thehandsofsomespooky,incompetentfatherfigurewhodoesntgiveashit,Idecidedtolookaround forsomethingelsetoworship.SomethingIcouldreallycounton.Andimmediately,Ithoughtofthesun. Ithappenedinaninstant.Overnight,Ibecameasunworshipper. Well,notovernight;youcantseethesuninthedark.Butfirstthingthenextmorning,Ibecameasun worshipper.Forseveralreasons:Firstofall,Icanseethesun.UnlikesomeothergodsIcouldmention,I canactuallyseethesun.Imbigonthat.IfIcanseesomething,itkindofhelpsthecredibility. EverydayIcanseethesunasitgivesmeeverythingIneed:heat,light,food,flowersinthepark, reflectionsonthelake.Anoccasionalskincancer,but,hey!Atleasttherearenocrucifixions.Andwe sunworshippersdontgoaroundkillingotherpeoplesimplybecausetheydontagreewithus.

Sunworshipisfairlysimple.Theresnomystery,nomiracles,nopageantry,nooneasksformoney, therearenosongstolearn,andwedonthaveaspecialbuildingwhereweallgatheronceaweekto compareclothing.Andthebestthingaboutthesun...itnevertellsmeImunworthy.Itdoesnttell meImabadpersonwhoneedstobesaved.Hasntsaidanunkindword.Treatsmefine. PrayingonMyMind SoIworshipthesun.ButIdontpraytothesun.Youknowwhy?BecauseIwouldntpresumeonour friendship.Itsnotpolite.IveoftenthoughtpeopletreatGodratherrudely.Trillionsandtrillionsof prayerseveryday,askingandpleadingandbeggingforfavors.Dothis;givemethat;Ineedthis;Iwant that.AndmostofthisprayingtakesplaceonSunday,hisdayoff!Itsnotnice,anditsnowayto treatafriend. Butstillpeopledoprayandtheyprayformanydifferentthings.Andthatsallrightwithme.Isay,pray foranythingyouwant.Prayforanything.But...whatabouttheDivinePlan?Rememberthat?The DivinePlan?Alongtimeago,GodcameupwithaDivinePlan.Hegaveitalotofthought,hedecidedit wasagoodplan,andheputitintopractice.AndforbillionsandbillionsofyearstheDivinePlanhas beendoingjustfine. Butnowyoucomealongandprayforsomething.Well,supposethethingyoureprayingforisntin GodsDivinePlan?Whatdoyouwanthimtodo?Changehisplan?Justforyou?Isntthatsortof arrogant?ItsaDivinePlan!WhatgoodisbeingGodifeveryrundownschmuckwithatwodollar prayerbookcancomealongandfuckwithyourplan? Andheresanotherproblemyoumightencounter.Supposeyourprayersarentanswered?Whatdo youdothen?Whatdoyousay?Well,itsGodswill.Thywillbedone?Fine.ButifitsGodswill, andhesgoingtodowhathewantsanyway,whybotherprayinginthefirstplace?Doesntitseem likeabigwasteoftime?Couldntyoujustskiptheprayingpartandgostraighttohiswill?Itsall veryconfusingtome. ToEachHisOwn So,togetaroundallthis,Idecidedtoworshipthesun.ButasIsaid,Idontpraytothesun.Youknow whoIprayto?JoePesci.Tworeasons.Firstofall,Ithinkhesaprettygoodactor.Tome,thatcounts.

Second,helookslikeaguywhocangetthingsdone.Joedoesntfuckaround.Infact,hecamethrough onacoupleofthingsthatGodwashavingtroublewith.ForyearsIaskedGodtodosomethingaboutmy noisyneighborsbarkingdog.Nothinghappened.ButJoePesci?Hestraightenedthatshitoutwithone visit.Itsamazingwhatyoucanaccomplishwithasimplepieceofathleticequipment. So,IvebeenprayingtoJoeforacoupleofyearsnow,andIvenoticedsomething.Ivenoticedthat alltheprayersIusedtooffertoGodandalltheprayersInowoffertoJoePesciarebeingansweredat aboutthesame50percentrate.HalfthetimeIgetwhatIwant,halfthetimeIdont.SameasGod. Fiftyfifty.Sameasthefourleafclover,thehorseshoe,thewishingwell,andtherabbitsfoot.Sameas themojoman,orthevoodooladywhotellsyouyourfortunebysqueezingagoatstesticles.Itsall thesame,fiftyfifty.Sojustpickasuperstitionyoulike,sitback,makeawish,andenjoyyourself. TellMeaStory,Daddy AndforthoseofyouwholooktotheBibleforitsmorallessonsandliteraryqualities,Ihaveacoupleof otherstoriesIdliketorecommend.YoumightwanttotryTheThreeLittlePigs.Thatsagoodone, ithasanicehappyending.ThentheresLittleRedRidingHood,althoughitdoeshavethatoneX ratedpartwheretheBigBadWolfactuallyeatsthegrandmother.WhichIdidntcarefor. Andfinally,IvealwaysdrawnagreatdealofmoralcomfortfromHumptyDumpty.ThepartIlikebest: AllthekingshorsesandallthekingsmencouldntputHumptyDumptybacktogetheragain. ThatsbecausethereisnoHumptyDumpty.AndthereisnoGod.None,notone,neverwas.NoGod. Sorry. BULLETSFORBELIEVERS Idontworryaboutgunsinschool.YouknowwhatImhappyabout?Gunsinchurch!Thisisaterrific development,isntit?Andfinallyitshere!Imsohappy.Iprayedforthis.Oddlyenough,Iactually prayedforthis.AndIpredictedit,too. AcoupleofyearsagoIsaidthatprettysoontheredbesomefuckinyoyoChristianwithaBibleanda riflewhodgoapeshitinachurchandkillsixpeople.Andthemediawouldrefertohimasa disgruntledworshiper.IhadnoideaitwouldbeanonChristian.Thatsareallynicetouch.

 AndmyhatisofftothepeopleofTexasforonceagainleadingthewaywhenitcomestothetakingof belongstothegoodcitizensofLemonLime,Minnesota,wholastyearpoured200,000boxesofJellO powderintothelake.Mostofthelocalsarehappywiththeresults;however,somepeopledivingatthe lakesshallowendhaveinjuredtheirheadsonlargepiecesoffruitcocktail. INEVERFUCKEDA10 Ineverfuckeda10,butonenightIfuckedfive2s.AndIthinkthatoughttocount.Itoughttogo downinmyrecordasapositiveachievement.ButheressomethingImreallyproudof:Ineverfucked a 1.Well,Inevergotdrunkenough.Youhavetoswallowalotofchemicalstoeventalktoa1,muchless actuallyfuckone. Ofcourse,someguyswillfuckanybody.Weknowthat.Theresalwaysoneguyineverycrowdwholl go, Hey,guys!Look!Letsfuckher! Thatsacoatrack,Bob. So? Someguyswillfuckanybody.Notme.Notanymore.NotsinceherpesandAIDShavebeenfloating around.Implayinitsafethesedays.Infact,ImbeingsocarefulIvestoppedjerkingoff.Younever knowwhereyourhandhasbeen. Butifyoureoneoftheseguyswhosstillhappilybashingthecandle,Istronglysuggestthatyou practicesafesexmasturbation.Donttakechances.Ifyouregoingtolieinbedandpretendyoure fuckingsomeunsuspectingfemale,forGodssakeuseacondom.Itdoesnttakemuchtimeoutof

yourfantasytogetupandgoovertothedresserandgetacondom.Shesnotgoinanywhere,thats forsure!Infact,ifyouhandleyourfantasycorrectly,youcanprobablytalkherintogoinoverand gettinthecondomforyou. SHORTTAKES TospiceuptheMissAmericacontest,Ithinktheyoughttomaketheloserskeepcomingbackuntilthey win.Wouldntthatgetspookylookingafteraboutthirtyyears?Howwouldyouliketoseesome seventyyearoldwomaninabathingsuit? Idlikeeveryoneintheworldtoliveinpeaceandharmony. Fine.Sitdownbeforeyoufalldown.Andpickupallthosefuckinbatons! TheMuslimsobservetheirsabbathonFriday,theJewsobserveonSaturday,andtheChristianson Sunday.BythetimeMondayrollsaroundGodiscompletelyfuckinwornout. AlotoftimeswhenapackagesaysOpenOtherEnd,Ipurposelyopentheendwhereitsaysthat. Lookingback,Irealizethatmylifehasbeenaseriesofincidentswhereonepersonhassaidtoanother, Getthisassholeouttahere! Inthedoggiedictionary,underbowwowitsays,Seearfarf. Youknowwhatyouneversee?Ablackguywithbuckteeth. WhenyoulookattheaverageAmericanyourealizetheresnothingnatureenjoysmorethanagood joke.

Thefuturewillsoonbeathingofthepast. CantwesilencetheseChristianathleteswhothankJesuswhenevertheywinandnevermentionhis namewhentheylose?Youneverhearthemsay,Jesusmademedroptheball,or,ThegoodLord trippedmeupbehindthelineofscrimmage.AccordingtoChristianathletes,Jesusisundefeated. Meanwhile,alotoftheseHolyassholesareinsixthplace.Maybeitsoneofthosemiracleswehearso muchabout. HowcometheMidwestisintheUnitedStates,andtheMideastiswaythefuckoverseassomewhere? OnThanksgiving,mostpeoplegivethanksforthethingstheyhave.Notme,IuseThanksgivingtoaskfor morethings. Ithinkifapersondoesntimmediatelyanswerapublicpageinanairport,thepagingshouldget increasinglyhostileeachtimeitisrepeated.Untilfinallytheyresaying,Goddammit,wouldthe miserablejackoffcallinghimselfDavidKlostermanpleasepickupthefuckinwhitecourtesyphone? Regardingthesefamousboxerswhomakecomebackswhentheyreintheirforties,dontyouwish oneofthemwouldgetkilledinthering?Justforagoof? Heresagoodexampleofpracticalhumor,butyouhavetobeintherightplace.Whenalocaltelevision reporterisdoingoneofthoseonthestreetreportsatthesceneofanewsstory,usuallyyoullsee someonlookersinthebackgroundoftheshot,wavingandtryingtobeseenontelevision.Gooverand standwiththembutdontwave.Juststandperfectlystilland,withoutattractingattention,moveyour lips,formingthewords,Ihopeallyoustupidfuckinlipreadersarewatching.Whydontyoujust blowme,yougoofydeafbastards.TheTVstationwillenjoytakingthemanyphonecalls. Ifeelsorryforbisexuals.Canyouimaginewantingtofuckeverybodyyoumeet?Jesus,thinkofallthe phonenumbersyoudcomehomewith.Mightaswellwalkaroundwiththewhitepagesunderyour arm.

Hitlerneverbotheredwithrestaurantreservations;hejustdroppedby.Andsomehowtheyalways foundhimatable. ImgladthePeanutscomicstripisfinished;Ineverunderstooditsappeal.Imlookingforwardnowto thedisappearanceofGarfieldandDoonesbury. OneofthemorepretentiouspoliticalselfdescriptionsisLibertarian.Peoplethinkitputsthemabove thefray.Itsoundsfashionableand,totheuninitiated,faintlydangerous.Actually,itsjustonemore bullshitpoliticalphilosophy. Whenaplanecrashes,andalotofpeopledie,Ialwayswonderwhathappenstotheirfrequentflier miles. Whydonttheyhavewaitersinwaitingrooms? ImgladAmericanshavetrashedtheirnationalparks.IespeciallylikethattheycantblameitonJews, blacksorimmigrants.Itwasalldonebyignorant,whiteslobAmericantourists. Whenyoureadaboutallthepresidentswhohadaffairs,youfeelsorryforGeraldFord.Apparentlyno onewantedtofuckhim.ExceptBetty.Andshewasdrunkalot. THEFOLLOWINGSTATEMENTISTRUE.THEABOVESTATEMENTISFALSE. Manypeoplethinktheyhavetolietogetoutofjuryduty.Youdonthavetolie;tellthejudgethe truth.Tellhimyoullmakeareallygoodjurorbecauseyoucanspotguiltypeoplejustbylookingat them.Explainthatithastodowithhowfaraparttheireyesare.Iguaranteeyoullbeoutofthat courtroombeforeyoucansayjusticesucks. YouknowwhatIlike?Abigfireinanapartmenthouse.

Ecologynote:Inaneconomymeasure,thenumberofbeesinasquadronhasbeenreducedfrom35to 20. Ioftenwonderifmoviedirectorshavecreditsattheendoftheirdreams? SPORTSSHOULDBEFIXED:OVERTIME AutoRacing Idliketoimproveautoracing.ThisisasportthatsverybigintheSouth;aperfectmarriageoffast carsandslowminds.Ithinkiftheywanttolivenuptheseraces,whattheyoughttodoishaveoneguy drivinginthewrongdirection.Simplething:oneguy,movingagainstthetraffic.Maybewithadeer strappedtothehood,andamufflerdragging,makinsparks.Youcouldalsostickthreechildrenwith ricketsinthebackseat.Racingfanswouldappreciateseeinsomethingfamiliar.Makeemfeelrightat home. Heresanotherthingthatwouldincreasethedangerandexcitementintheseraces:Youofferan irresistiblyhugesumofmoney$50milliontoanydriverwhocompletestenlapswhiledrivingin reverse.Doesntmatterwhichdirectionhesgoing,withoragainstthetraffic;itshischoice.Fifty milliondollars!Someguywouldtryit.Countonit.Infact,for$50millionyoumightwindupwith everybodyintheracegoinbackward.PerfectmetaphorfortheSouth. Itwouldalsobehighlyentertainingifthepitcrewshadtochangetiresrightoutonthetrack,duringthe race.Idliketoseethemtrythosetensecondpitstopsundersomereallystressfulconditions.And maybeifyougaveemlongerhosestheycouldrefuelthecarsoutthere,too.Addsafirehazard, heightensthedanger,increasesthefun.Justathought. Andspeakinofdanger,isntitabouttimetheyeliminatedthatboringpacecarshit?Theyoughta starttheseracesbyhavinacoupleofAirForceF18szippinaroundthetrack,reallow.Keepthem tenfeetofftheground,sothelocalscangetarealgoodlook.Justwatchinthemmakethoseturns wouldbeworththewholetriptothetrack.Mostofthoseracingfansaresoldiersniffersandpatriotic halfwitsanyway,soImsuretheydbehonoredtohavetheoccasionalmilitaryjetslamintothecrowd andsendacoupleofhundredofthemofftobewithJesus.

 And,speakingofsuchpossibilities,itgoeswithoutsayingthatthemostsatisfyingpartofautoracingis thehighnumberoffatalaccidents.Somaybewecoulddoafewthingsthatwouldincreasethe frequencyoftheseaccidentsor,ifnot,atleastmakethemalittlemoredangerous. OneideaIhad,althoughitsdecidedlyoffbeat,wouldbetosprayoliveoilonthetrackaboutevery twentyminutes.Notonlywouldthisadddrivingexcitement,itwouldproduceaninterestingaromaasit mingledwiththegasolinefumes,thestalebeer,andthepervasivebodyodor. Anothergoodaccidentenhancerwouldberequiringthedriverstoracesinglefile,exceptfortwoshort, 100yardpassinglanesateachendofthetrack.Letthemjockeyforpositionjustastheyreheading intotheturns.Andguesswhat?Thismightbetheperfectspotfortheoliveoilrelease. Heresanotherthrillprovider:linetheinteriorsofthecarswithplasticexplosivesriggedtogooffwhen anythingtouchestheexteriorofthecar.Anything:thewall,anothercar,debrisfromthetrack.Shit,you couldprobablymakeitsensitiveenoughsothatoneofthoseheavycloudsofcorndogfartsthatcome rollingoutofthegrandstandfromtimetotimewouldsetitoff.Andjustthink,thefartclouditselfwould probablyaddseverallovelycolorstothepyrotechnicdisplayoftheexplosion. SEVENDEATHWISHES Youreinaleatherbarwith200heavilyarmed,wildlydrunk,exconvict,sadomasochisticbutch lesbians.Youclimbonthebarandsay,Whichoneofyousweetlittlecupcakeswantstheprivilegeof beingthefirstinlinetosuckmeoff?Ifyouretheluckyone,andyougivemearealgoodblowjob,I mightdoyouafavorandthrowyouaquickfuckandletyoucookmeanicemeal.Cmon,lineup,you repulsivecunts,andIllchangeyoursexualorientations.Idareyoutocutoffmyballs! Walkingthroughthewoodsoneday,youencounteragroupofdevilworshiperswhoaredisemboweling asmallboy.Youtellthemwhattheyredoingiscowardly,unnatural,andmorallywrong,andyoure suretheywouldnevertryitonagrownup.Especiallyonelikeyourself,wholovesJesus,andalways wearshiscrucifixproudly.YoualsosaythatyoujustarrivedfromAustralia,havenolocalfriendsorliving relatives,andareplanningtoestablishaChristianchurchcalledFuckLucifer.Thenyouorderthemto staywheretheyare,becauseyoureleavingtogetthepolice. YouandyourwifearetheonlynonbikersataHellsAngelswedding,wherealltheothershavebeen drinking,shootingmethamphetamine,andsmokingPCPforelevenstraightdays.Attheheightofthe celebration,youwhipoutyourdick,grabthebridescrotch,andshouttothecrowd,Iunderstandyou

filthy,greasyassholemotorcyclecowardsaresupposedtoberealgoodatgangrape,butIllbetyou cantfucklikeme!Watchthis!Youbeginrippingtheweddinggownoffthebride,pointingoutthat yourownwifeisavirgin,andthatyou,yourself,haveneverbeenfuckedintheass. AtawhitesupremacistsconventioninremoteIdaho,youtakethestagewearinganATFhelmetanda MalcolmXTshirt,andholdingaUnitedNationsflag.Youperformarapsongthatsaysmorallyand intellectuallyinferiorwhitepeopleshouldsubmitthemselvestoblackruleandturn overtheirwivesanddaughterstoblackmenasawayofapologizingforslavery.Youmention thatfollowingyourrecentconversiontoJudaism,youhavebecomeashamedofyourwhiteskin andwouldgladlyhaveitremovedifyoucouldjustfindawaytodoit. Threesadisticsexmaniacshaveenteredyourhouse,andtheyfindyounakedintheshower.Themost coherentamongthemasksifhecanplaywithyourgenitals.Youloseyourtemperandsay,Listen,you perverted,lunaticfuck,leavemysexorgansalone.Andtellyourdrooling,fruitcakebuddiesIwould ratherplacemycockinthatpapershredderlocatedbythewindow,orstuffmytesticlesintothe Cuisinart,whichisinthekitchenontherighthandshelf,thanletyoudisgustingdegeneratestouchmy privateparts. WhileattendingtheFirstCommunionofaMafiabosssgrandson,yousuddenlybegintopistolwhip theboysmother,screaming,Imgonnahityousomemore,youuglydagobitch,andifoneofthese greasy,dicklesscriminalmoronswhocallthemselvesmenmakesamoveonme,Illbreakhisguinea neck.Imhungry!Makemesomefuckinspaghettiandgoeasyontheoil,yahairygreaseballcunt! YourestandinginacrowdedHarlembardressedintherobesofaKuKluxKlanGrandDragon,holding aConfederateflag,andsingingDixieinarealloudvoicewithaMississippiaccent.Youjumponthe bar,shitinthedrinkofahugemanwithnumerousrazorscarsonhisface,wipeyourasswithapictureof MartinLutherKing,andyellattheman,Hey,boy!Getyourmommadownhere,Iwantsomedark meat.Andgetthatfuckinjunglebunnymusicoffthejukebox,orImgonnastartkillinmesome boogies! Haveaniceafterlife. MONOPOLY IneverdidwellatMonopoly.IguessIdonthaveabusinessmind.Oh,Idusuallymanagetoowna coupleofrailroads.AndWaterWorks,ofcourse.Imnotacompleteasshole;Iknowamonopolywhen Iseeone.Everybodyneedswater.Butitalwaysfrustratedmethattheotherguyswouldntletme buildhousesonWaterWorks.Theysaiditwaszoningorsomeshitlikethat.Ithinktheywerejealous

thatIhadvision.TheworstfightIevergotintowaswhenItriedtoputhotelsontheElectricCompany. Vision. Asfarasotherpropertieswereconcerned,naturallyIdsnapupBalticAvenueassoonasthatbecame available. Howmuchisthatsonofabitch?Sixtybucks?Gimmethatmother.Igottahaveaplacetolive. AboutthebestthingIdeverownwouldbeoneortwopropertiesinthelightblueseries.Maybe OrientalAvenue.Nohouses,ofcourse.Justanexcavationortwo.ThatsaboutallIeverhadonmy propertyplans.Surveyorsmarks.Ijustcouldntgetfinancing.Allmyfriendswouldhaveshopping centers,malls,condominiums,industrialparks.Andtheylikedtorubitin. Ohboy,Carlin,yourecomindownmysideoftheboardnow!Getreadytopayup! Ohh,no!PleaseGod,gimmeabigone. ThenIdroll. Hotshit!!Atwelve!Thankyou,God!JUMP!JUMP!JUMP!JUMP!JUMP!JUMP!JUMP!JUMP!JUMP! JUMP!JUMP!JUMP!Fuckyou,Tony.Iaintevenstoppinonyourside.FuckyouandBoardwalk, too! Thatsallright,Carlin,youllbearoundagain. Ofcourse,youcantmoveyourtokenuntilyourememberwhichoneisyours. Whichoneismine?AmIthehat?IcouldswearIwasthehat.No,thatwasyesterday.Wait!Iknow.

Theracingcar.Imtheracingcar.Hey,whostheship?Richie,areyoutheship?No,hesnotthe ship,Imtheship.Igettheshipeverygame.Donteventouchtheship.Tonywasthe biggestguy. Noneofthemwantedtobetheiron.Toofeminine. Theworsttokentohavewasthecannon.Thebiggun.Itwastheonlytopheavytoken.Itkeptfalling over.Throwthediceanywherenearit,anditfellonitsside.Andthensomeanalretentivewouldsay, Whohasthegun?Areyouthegun?Wouldyapickitup,please?Andyou,Paulie,areyouinjailorjust visiting?Well,ifyourejustvisiting,putthecaronthesideofthejail,notontheactualjailpart. Someguysreallycared.Thatswhytheywon. Ineverwon,butIwasalwaysinthereattheend.BecauseIhadalltheonedollarbills.Twentyfive hundreddollarsinsingles,andtheyneededmetomakechange. Iwouldtrytoborrowmoney. Please,Tony.Justfivebucks.Iwannabuysomegum. Fuckyou,Carlin.IllgiveyoufivebucksforWaterWorks. Ten. Sevenfifty. Tony,theydonthaveafiftycentbill.

Toughshit.Tearadollarinhalf. No,Iwasntverygoodatthegame,butIspentalotoftimelandingonChance.AndIalwaystriedto buyit.IgotinmorefightstryingtobuyChance. Idmovemytoken....three,four,five,six,seven,eight,nine...Chance!Turnoverthecard,a littlemanwithahat:Twohundreddollarsforbeinganasshole. Hey,Richie,shufflethosecards,willya?ThatsthesecondtimeIgotthatone.