RED GREENS

B E G I N N E RS G U I D E TO

WOMEN
( F O R M E N W H O D O N T R E A D I N S T R U C T I O N S )

Red Green
Doubleday Canada

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 3

7/9/13 4:15 PM

Copyright 2013 Steve Smith

All rights reserved. The use of any part of this publication, reproduced, transmitted in
any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise,
or stored in a retrieval system without the prior written consent of the publisheror
in the case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, license from the Canadian
Copyright Licensing Agencyis an infringement of the copyright law.
Doubleday Canada and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House of
Canada Limited
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Smith, Steve, 1945-, author
Red Greens beginners guide to women / Red Green.
Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN 978-0-385-67763-9
1. Man-woman relationshipsHumor. 2. Dating
(Social customs)Humor. I. Title.
PS8587.M589R43 2013

C818'.5402

C2013-902636-3
C2013-903033-6

Cover and text design by Leah Springate

Cover image: Max Smith
Printed and bound in the USA
Published in Canada by Doubleday Canada,
a division of Random House of Canada Limited
www.randomhouse.ca
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 4

7/9/13 4:15 PM

INTRODUCTION

et me start by congratulating you on having the courage and

maturity to pick up this book. Whether you bought it for
yourself or received it as a gift or borrowed it from a former
friend or are just reading it in a dark corner of a bookstore hoping
you wont be noticed, it shows that you want to be a better
person, which is commendable and possibly essential.
But in the tradition of any of my earlier works, be careful not
to raise your expectations too high. In many ways, difficult
human relationships are like diarrheaits important for you to
be the first one to realize you have a problem. And while this
book may not provide a complete cure, it will at least get you
running towards the mens room.
So buying the book is a valuable first step, and the less you
paid, the more valuable it is. Even if you stole the book, you may
have morality issues, but you will probably be the most sensitive
person in your cellblock.
As for the content of the book itself, its purpose is not necessarily to draw conclusions, but more to give observations and
anecdotal evidence that will show the results that come from the
various approaches to the most difficult and yet fundamental of
all human relationshipsthat of a man and a woman.
And let me make it clear to any of my wifes friends who may
be reading this book that the examples I give here do not in any
way represent my own personal marital experiences. Instead, a
wide array of friends and acquaintances have generously shared
v

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 5

7/9/13 4:15 PM

their mistakes so you can avoid them. These people are from all
walks of life and many different geographical locations and are
even fictitious when necessary. So what youre looking at here is
a research booka collection of experiences and theories that
will hopefully help you to understand and cohabitate with your
significant otherthe most important person in your world
even when shes not in the room.

Red Green

vi

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 6

7/9/13 4:15 PM

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

want to thank a small collection of Lodge Members who were

kind enough to contribute their experiences and opinions and
without whose input this book would have been no bigger than
a time-share pamphlet. Some might say I have known these men
all my life but I say not yet. And to extend that life as long as
possible, I have decided to keep their identities a secret. I will
refer to them simply as Buster H., Stinky P., Junior S. and Moose T.,
as a favour to the Hadfield, Peterson, Singleton and Thompson
families respectively.

vii

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 7

7/9/13 4:15 PM

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 8

7/9/13 4:15 PM

THE ETERNAL QUESTION

efore we get too far into this thing I think we need to deal
with the question of why is it important for us men to
understand women. Is it really all that essential, or is it just a
cheesy excuse for me to write another book and get a big, fat
advance? No, its not. And it wouldnt have been, even if I did
get a big, fat advance.
You are programmed to cohabitate, and unless youre a masochist, youd like that to be a pleasant lifelong experience. You as
a man need to curry favour with at least one woman, and to do
that, you have to be able to anticipate her every need and want.
And to do that, you need to understand her.
So as you go through this frustrating quest to once and for all
understand that woman in your life, lets not for one moment
forget that if you ever get it right, she will be the greatest thing
that ever happened to you. And conversely, if you continue to get
it wrong, she will make your life a living hell.
Its a long, arduous route with many pitfalls, but you must
always keep your eyes on the prize. And never give up.

MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM MEN

ou may remember learning in your Grade 9 biology class that

when a man and a woman create a baby, the sex of that baby
1

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 1

7/9/13 4:15 PM

is determined by the chromosomes of the male sperm, not from

those of the female egg. To me that means that the woman was
prepared to make either a boy or a girl, depending on what was
shipped to her receiving dock.
Its really the first example of a womans predisposition to
make the best of whatever falls into her lap.
That means that, although the two parents share equally in the
responsibility for the childs general appearance and personality,
the gender of the child comes totally from Dad. So every fertile
man in the world has the capability of fathering a female baby,
which means that every man in the world should be capable of
understanding women, on the basis of local knowledge.
Its probably the origin of the respected phrase takes one to
know one. We have no excuses. Its our first setback.

PUBERTY (ITS NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE)

m not even going to bother with the ages from birth to puberty.
Girls are easy to understand during that phase. Theyre basically boys that you dont ever hit or swear at. Puberty is the
game changer. All of a sudden, thirteen years into what has
been a pretty good gig, youre suddenly exchanging your high
voice for body hair and becoming a deodorant customer and
growing like the national debt. Some things that have been
hanging around for years suddenly start working. And Im not
talking about your Uncle Bob.
And no matter how tall you are, there seems to be almost no
distance between your brain and your genitals. Nor is it always
clear whos in charge of who.
This is the beginning of the challenge to be a man. Youre
having racy thoughts and wild fantasies, and the girls you played
hide and seek with last week have no interest in playing hide the
2

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 2

7/9/13 4:15 PM

cannoli this week. This is where the two genders take different
forks in the road. Boys get muscles. Girls get hormones.
And so it begins.

WHAT WOMEN WANT

here is probably no greater mystery facing man since the

beginning of time than for him to try to figure out what
women want. Its a source of great frustration for men because to
them it all seems so simple. Theyre motivated to give women
what they want; theyre even prepared to sacrifice if necessary.
Many times a man will cry out in the night, Just tell me what
you want, although hes usually alone in the garage at the time.
To find out why this has always been a conundrum, you have
to look at the issue from a whole bunch of different sides.
Lets start with the mans perspective. He has a real problem
with anybody who cant tell him what they want. If he doesnt
know what they want, how can he ever provide it? And if they
dont know what they want, how are they ever going to know
when theyve got it? Heck, they may already have it.
A man is thinking, How hard can that be? He knows what
he wantsfried food, sex, a half-decent house and cool toys.
Whats the problem? Well, the problem is that men who have
those things always want other things, eventually. Its not that
they dont want those things at all. Its just that once they get
them, the novelty wears off and they move on to something else.
But they continue to know what they want. Men dont see that
acquiring bigger boats and more expensive toys and larger portions of fried food is just a repetition of the need to satisfy shortterm demands. Every man I know will come up with an instant
list of items when you ask him what he wants. But theyre all
right now things. Like winning the lottery or spending a
3

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 3

7/9/13 4:15 PM

fact-finding half-hour with that blonde at the end of the bar.

When you ask them what they want over the long term, for the
rest of their lives, the room gets pretty quiet. Thats because they
dont know what they want, either.
If you ask a woman what she wants right now, shell have
a lot of quick answers that, with any luck, may include you. But
when you just ask her what she wants, she assumes you mean
long term, and even if she knows, she doesnt want to answer.
Because one of the main things she wants is to not to have to tell
you what she wants.
You may be uncomfortable not knowing what she wants, but
thats not her problem. Maybe youre uncomfortable with it
because you dont really know what you want, either, and it kills
you to be reminded of that. But dont panic, and dont worry.
You dont need to know what your woman wants. You just need
to continue to care what your woman wants, even if you never
find out what it is. The caring will be good enough for her.
Likewise, dont be upset that you dont know what you want.
Your woman knows what you want and if you play your cards
right, shell make sure you get it. You may not know what it is,
but Im betting youll recognize it when you see it.

LOVE AT FIRST SITE?

he young people today seem to do everything on the

Internet. You ask them what the weathers like right now
and theyd rather Google it on their iPhone than look out the
window. And when was the last time anybody looked anything
up in an encyclopedia? You can look things up on the Internet
even if you dont know the alphabet. Every piece of information,
every product, every idea, every theory and everybody is now at
your fingertips. Or, more specifically, your thumbtips.
4

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 4

7/9/13 4:15 PM

So I guess its only natural that people would use the Internet
to find a partner. You can find your past on the ancestry sites,
so maybe you can find your future on the dating sites. And in
many ways its much safer than actual dating. You can stay
anonymous as long as you want. You can be thousands of miles
away from the other person. And if you do find someone interesting, you can do a background check while youre reading
their email.
But I just want you to be careful about what youre doing. You
could be playing with virtual fire. I think some of the appeal of
Internet dating is that people think its another innovation in the
recent string of computer technological breakthroughs. And
sometimes when something is new, people will be drawn to it for
its newness rather than its value.
Maybe the technology of being able to send instant messages
and videos to people all over the world is new, but the concept
of getting romantically involved with someone youve never
met goes back to biblical times. Back in those days it was called
arranged marriages, and maybe the principals werent
involved, but if you let your dad use your laptop, history may
repeat itself.
In more recent centuries weve had mail-order brides, where
some lonely guy whod been rejected by everyone in his own
country would write a letter to a woman in the Far East who was
looking to relocate to the Far West, and if she was agreeable, he
would FedEx her to the nearest port of entry. Sure it took longer
because of the letters going back and forth, but that gave each of
them more time to reconsider.
But think about this: youre each on a path that will lead you
to a person who has been passed over by every person they, and
their mother, have ever met. The Internet is quicker, but that
doesnt mean its better. And even with all the information available, you still know less about the person than you dont know
about the person.
5

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 5

7/9/13 4:15 PM

You may think they have language skills from their emails, but
they could be using spell check and auto-grammar. They may send
a picture so you know what they look like, but even I can go through
a thousand pictures of myself and find one that looks okay. Even
though it doesnt look like me. Which is why it looks okay. Even a
short video of them can be deceiving. You give him a couple of
thousand takes and even Sly Stallone comes off as an actor.
What you get on the Internet is a very produced, edited, airbrushed, polished version of the person. Youre not seeing the
real thing. Youre not going to know if she has hairy hands or
eats with her mouth open. Dont get fooled by the brochure. You
want to do a little test drive before you sign on the dotted line.
Im not saying the Internet is a bad way to meet women. Im
just saying you should lower your expectations or youre going to
be disappointed. A friend of mine who tried it said he heard back
from hundreds of women and his conclusion was the odds are
good but the goods are odd.

GETTING HER ATTENTION

ith any luck, you will know early on if you are heterosexual.
Once thats established, you will want to begin your quest to
find a lifemate or, failing that, a weekend shack-up. In either case,
no woman of the opposite sex is going to be attracted to you until
she at least notices you. You have to get her attention. And that
can be a tough challenge.
Stinky P. told me about the first girl he tried to impress. She
had a backyard pool, so Stinky ran into the yard next door and
screamed Geronimo! as he vaulted over the fence and did a
fully extended bellyflop into her swimming pool. Unfortunately,
he assumed shed be home and watching. He also assumed thered
be water in the pool.
6

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 6

7/9/13 4:15 PM

Moose T. had a party trick that all the guys liked, so he tried
that to get noticed. He would eat a hearty meal of pickled vege
tables and carbonated beverages and, after about an hour of
abdominal exercises and resource management, was able to pass
wind in a way that allowed him to perform the entire Canadian
national anthem, including one verse in French.
But however you plan to get a girls attention, make sure you
focus on her reaction to see how its going. If Moose had only
noticed the look of shock and disgust on the girls face, he could
have cut the performance right after our home and native land,
but instead he just kept blasting away with his eyes closed until
the concert was violently terminated by someone trying to light a
scented candle. But thats the kind of thing you do when youre
thirteen. And when youre Moose.
What both of these guys failed to realize is that they had
reached the point in their lives when they were looking at what
society calls negative options. Thats because their reference
level was a bunch of other guys like themselves. There was
nobody in that group that could give them the slightest hint of
what these girls would find interesting or amusing. The sad truth
is that what most thirteen-year-old boys find entertaining, most
thirteen-year-old girls find repulsive.
So instead of trying to impress girls with what you say or what
you do, which we all know is a long shot at best, I suggest you
appeal to their mercy. You can claim to be having trouble with a
certain school subject and ask them to help you with your homework. You may think youll have to pretend youre stupid, but it
may not be necessary.
Another surefire way to get a girls attention is to hurt yourself
badly in front of her and then act like youre fine. Coming down
a flight of cement stairs while straddling the crossbar of your
bike oughta do it. Her natural nursing instincts will kick in and
you will have her undivided attention at least until you regain
consciousness.
7

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 7

7/9/13 4:15 PM

GROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

f youre a reasonable-looking teenaged boy who does okay at

school and has a few friends and has never done hard time at
juvie, and yet has had no luck in attracting a girlfriend, the problem could be your grooming. Its a sad fact that, on average, girls
are much more particular than us about the level of grooming
i.e., refinementof anyone who expresses an interest in them.
And to make matters worse, girls notice things. Things that
you and your friends would ignore, they cant. Or wont. But
mainly dont.
Now, I know you were hoping that some good-looking un
attached girl would find you acceptable, but unfortunately,
Fantasyland is at Disney World. You have to live in the real world.
So if youve been striking out on a regular basis, you may be surprised by these examples of the level of grooming and personal
hygiene that girls demand:

You cant wear the same clothes today that you wore
yesterday, even if they smell sort of okay.
If a piece of cheese has mould on it or teeth marks
from a mouse, you have to throw the whole thing away
rather than just hack off the bad part.
Its not okay to have a stain on your clothes, even if
its dry.
If you only do the laundry once a week, you need seven
pairs of underwear.
Your hair should be clean enough that people can see
the individual strands.
You may have heard that girls are attracted by the
smell of pheromones in a boys sweat, but its better if
you never meet those girls.
Torn jeans are only cool if the holes are in the right
places.
8

Gree_9780385677639_5p_all_r1.indd 8

7/9/13 4:15 PM

Purchase a copy of

Red Greens
Beginners Guide to Women

at one of these retailers:

Also available:

Published by

Doubleday Canada