Resolving Unhealthy Relationships

Wake-up Call
A visit to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website: www.ndvh.com can often be a wake-up call to persons involved in unhealthy relationships. Abuse is so much more than just physical battery and intense violence. It shows its ugly head in many forms so that people in abusive relationships often do not even realize there is a problem. Abuse includes Calling bad names or putting someone down Shouting and cursing Hitting, slapping and/or pushing Making threats of any kind Jealously and suspicion Keeping someone away from family and friends Throwing things around the house Embarrass you with put-downs? Look at you or act in ways that scare you? Try to control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go? Stop you from seeing your friends or family members? Take your money, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money? Make all of the decisions? Tell you that youre a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children? Prevent you from working or attending school? Act like the abuse is no big deal, its your fault, or even deny doing it? Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets? Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons? Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you? Force you to try and drop charges? Threaten to commit suicide? Threaten to kill you?

Does someone you know--

And there is more Actually there are nearly infinite means and methods by which one person can abuse other(s). Here are some commonly found in Christian circles: 1) Spiritual Abuse. Forcing beliefs, whether true or untrue, on someone else's conscience. Often accompanied by a load of Bible texts and/or quotes from other sources believed to be inspired as a means to convince another to change their beliefs and/or actions. Can include threats of hell fire, disfellowshipment and/or other forms of criticism and condemnation. 2) Medical Abuse. Attempting to force another to not seek or accept medical care or professional counsel relative to physical or mental difficulties. 3) Verbal Abuse. Cut downs, teasing, criticism and lectures. Forcing someone to listen to a barrage
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of information, often including spiritual and emotional abuse, yelling and intimidation. Opinions presented so forcefully as to make others afraid to express their own varying opinions. 4) Sexual abuse / assault. Sexual contact such as kissing, touching, fondling, and/or intercourse without consent. Consent means to voluntarily agree to engage in sexual activity. When threats or force are used to obtain consent, that consent is not voluntary. If a person, such as your boss, teacher, doctor or family member uses power they have over you to obtain your consent, your consent is not voluntary. Consent must be clear. If you are too afraid to yell or resist or fight back, your consent cannot be implied. You have the right to decide whether to participate in sexual contact with another person. You can consent to some sexual activities without consenting to all sexual activities. For example, you may agree to go on a date and to hold hands or kiss. You may have agreed to have sexual relations on previous occasions. Agreeing to any or all of these things does not mean you consent to other sexual contact. You have the right to say No to anything at any time. No one stranger, date, friend, relative, spouse, or partnerhas the right to force you into unwanted sexual activity, no matter what has happened before. No means no ALWAYS. For a lot of reasons, Christians are more at risk of enabling and excusing abusive relationships than others because they believe it is their duty to forgive, turn the other cheek, submit to their husband, and stay married as long as the spouse is not committing adultery with other person(s).

Boundaries
It is, however, a complete misunderstanding of Scripture that causes Christians to enable and excuse abusive relationships. The book Boundaries by Henry Cloud dismantles that thinking and makes a sound biblical case for the importance of setting appropriate boundaries and not permitting and enabling abuse to continue. Abuse is sin.
And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins. (Mt 1:21 AV) Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him. (Le 19:17 AV) It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. (Pr 21:19 AV) Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: (Pr 22:24 AV) He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city. (Pr 16:32 AV) Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools. (Ec 7:9 AV) Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: (Eph 4:31 AV) 8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. 9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; 10 And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him: (Col 3:8-10 AV) Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. (Col 3:21 AV)

Verbal, emotional, and physical abuse are very often perpetrated by someone whose spirit is out of
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control. Someone with an anger problem. It is not love to indulge, excuse, and enable them to continually throw temper tantrums and abuse everyone around them. If someone exhibits this behaviour in a public building, security agents are called and the person is escorted out and suffers the consequences of their actions. Similar measures are necessary in the home and other private places as well. Thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him. The requirement for children and wives to submit themselves to their parents and husbands is conditional:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. (Eph 6:1 AV) Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. (Col 3:18 AV)

Women and children are not required to submit to a ranting, raving, angry, bitter, contentious, rude, selfish, and exacting rulership. True respect and unconditional love will
be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine. (2Ti 4:2 AV)

And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. (Eph 5:11 AV) Spouses have a duty in love to reprove excessive or inappropriate sexual activity and are not required to participate in any sexual activity born of lust. It is not fit in the Lord. It is fornication.
The matter now to be settled is: Shall the wife feel bound to yield implicitly to the demands of her husband when she sees that nothing but base passions control him, and when her reason and judgment are convinced that she does it to the injury of her body, which God has enjoined upon her to possess in sanctification and honor, to preserve as a living sacrifice to God? It is not pure, holy love which leads the wife to gratify the animal propensities of her husband at the expense of health and life. If she possesses true love and wisdom, she will seek to divert his mind from the gratification of lustful passions to high and spiritual themes by dwelling upon interesting spiritual subjects. It may be necessary to humbly and affectionately urge, even at the risk of his displeasure, that she cannot debase her body by yielding to sexual excess. She should, in a tender, kind manner, remind him that God has the first and highest claim upon her entire being, and that she cannot disregard this claim, for she will be held accountable in the great day of God.... If she will elevate her affections, and in sanctification and honor preserve her refined, womanly dignity, woman can do much by her judicious influence to sanctify her husband, and thus fulfill her high mission. In so doing she can save both her husband and herself, thus performing a double work. In this matter, so delicate and so difficult to manage, much wisdom and patience are necessary, as well as moral courage and fortitude. Strength and grace can be found in prayer. Sincere love is to be the ruling principle of the heart. Love to God and love to the husband can alone be the right ground of action.... When the wife yields her body and mind to the control of her husband, being passive to his will in all things, sacrificing her conscience, her dignity, and even her identity, she loses the opportunity of exerting that mighty influence for good which she should possess to elevate her husband. She could soften his stern nature, and her sanctifying influence could be exerted in a manner to refine and purify, leading him to strive earnestly to govern his passions and be more spiritually minded, that they might be partakers together of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. The power of influence can be great to lead the mind to high and noble themes, above the low, sensual indulgences for which the heart unrenewed by grace naturally seeks. If the wife feels that in order to please her husband she must come down to his standard, when animal passion is the principal basis of his love and controls his actions, she displeases God; for she fails to exert a sanctifying influence upon her husband. If she feels that she must submit to his animal passions without a word of remonstrance, she does not understand her duty to him nor to her God. Adventist Home, 126-127.

If you have been indulging, perpetuating, enabling, or excusing abuse in any form, seek help now before serious injury, disease, or death occurs.
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The Cause
There are a number of factors that play a part in the development of abusive relationships. Before a cure can be found, the specific causes should be identified. First there are predisposing factors, things in a person's past that can make a person more susceptible to becoming abusive such as the following: 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) Suffering and submitting to any or all forms of abuse from other persons, particularly as a child. Being bullied. Neglect or rejection Fears and insecurities. The absence of developing an appropriate attachment to parents as an infant, particularly the mother. 6) Real and felt needs not being met in a positive way by the parents as an infant, particularly the mother. 7) Parental indulgence of an uncontrolled temper in themselves and the child. These things do not automatically cause a person to become abusive. Many people experience any or all of these things and triumph over them. With God's grace, stumbling blocks can be turned into stepping stones to develop a better person rather than an abuser. But if these factors are in a person's past and they go unresolved they may lie hidden in the back closet for awhile. But then suddenly some precipitating factors may drag them out and cause a person to become abusive such as the following. 1) Stress 2) The perception (whether real or imagined) that something a person says or does is similar to or connected to abuse suffered in the past can trigger a habitual violent reaction. 3) Financial hardship. 4) Failure. 5) Interacting frequently with someone else who has predisposing factors in their past, especially if married to them. 6) Negative thinking patterns. 7) The perception of abuse. 8) The perception of neglect or rejection. 9) The perception of defiance or rebellion in a child or other subordinate. 10) Marrying a spouse that has suffered sexual abuse from anyone (including their spouse) prior to marriage because a sexually abused person will naturally reject or even appropriate sexual activity or at the least be very inhibited in their sexual relationship. A couple with an unhealthy sexual relationship will have an anger problem. 11) Intemperance and addictions. 12) Brain injury. 13) Exhaustion from lack of food and/or sleep. 14) Depression. 15) Disease. 16) A wounded conscience. Then of course there are perpetuating factors that keep an abusive relationship rolling like a snowball from one incident to another. These could include the continuance of any or all the precipitating factors but even in absence of those, the fact that habits of abuse are developed, even when other factors are removed or resolved, these can perpetuate the unhealthy elements of the relationship.

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The Cure
IF ALL parties involved in an abusive relationship are willing to acknowledge that there is a problem and seek help, then real and permanent change can be realized. An abusive marriage can be so totally turned around that a couple can begin to experience a perpetual honeymoon. But it requires commitment, hard work, TIME, and devotion to implementing the measures that can resolve and remove the predisposing and precipitating factors. 1) First identify the predisposing, precipitating, and perpetuating factors causing the abuse in the relationship. Professional help can be very useful in diagnosis. 2) Note that most counsellors and recovery programs cannot cure or permanently resolve most predisposing and some precipitating factors. For a counselling program that does, go to www.caringfortheheart.org and meet with one of these counsellors and / or work through the DVD and workbook series Caring for the Emotionally Damaged Heart.
The things which are impossible with men are possible with God. (Lu 18:27 AV) He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. (Ps 147:3 AV)

3) For healing from depression, go to www.NedleyHealthSolutions.com and attend a Depression Recovery Seminar or order the materials to do it on your own at home. It is also recommended that you seek professional help and apply all means available to experience healing. 4) To gain the victory over anger, fear, anxiety, and habitual abusive behaviours, apply Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Find a counsellor that uses this method or do it yourself at home by studying Telling Yourself the Truth by William Backus and SOS for your Emotions by Lynn Clark.

But What If?

It is unfortunately rare that an abusive person will acknowledge that they have a problem and seek help. It is even more rare for one to stick with the program until they experience complete change and cure. What should the abused do then? 1) Definitely do NOT continue to submit without a word of remonstrance.
A word to the wise is sufficient As an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover upon an obedient ear. (Pr 25:12 AV) 7 He that reproveth a scorner getteth to himself shame: and he that rebuketh a wicked man getteth himself a blot. 8 Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee. (Pr 9:7-8 AV) He, that being often reproved hardeneth his neck, shall suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy. (Pr 29:1 AV)

2) Do everything in your power to resolve and remove the predisposing, precipitating and perpetuating factors. Change all the things you can. 3) Refuse to submit to abuse. If you cannot make them stop, then remove yourself (and all other parties subject to the abuse) from the scene. How far and how long you need to remove yourself is relative to the level of risk of injury, disease, or death. 4) If you cannot remove yourself, then CALL FOR HELP. Abuse is a crime. Don't let it continue.
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Separation
What if separation becomes necessary? Sometimes the decision to separate will provide the necessary motivation for the abuser to acknowledge they have a problem and seek help. It certainly is worth a try as a last resort. If anyone is at risk of injury, disease, or death then separation is absolutely necessary. If you don't then at some point the sin will be found out and authorities will remove any children from the home. Here are some things to keep in mind if separation is necessary: 1) Get legal advice before you make a move. If you will be taking children with you, be certain as to what your rights and responsibilities are in regard to them. You may be limited in how far you can go such as not being able to leave the state. 2) If any chargeable offence has already been committed, get legal advice to know what your rights and responsibilities are. Note that threats of violence are chargeable even if not actually carried out. 3) Search out and consider all the options available for a place to go relative to how long you might need to stay. 4) Search out what is available for financial assistance in the short term and self-support in the long term. 5) Get a bank account in your own name and separate your assets (vehicle?) and debts as far as possible. 6) Notify the post office to hold your mail until you have an address for forwarding. 7) Make copies of the previous three years' tax returns and all financial records you may need. 8) Make a list of all assets you owned when you entered into the relationship. 9) Keep a journal of every incident and experience that could possibly be needed in court. 10) If you have friends, family, or church members that you can trust with information, notify them of your situation so that they are prepared to assist. 11) Pack everything you can and store it in a secure place. 12) Communicate clearly and repeatedly to the abuser that IF they will seek help and stick with the program until real change is established, you will return! Make sure you continually express unconditional love and respect without indulging, enabling, or excusing abuse. 13) Don't be surprised if the children take sides with the abuser and believe all the things that were said against you. They are easily manipulated by abusers. They can become angry, bitter, and blame you for leaving. Expect disciplinary problems to rise. 14) Find out what is available for classes, books, and resources for parents helping their children cope with separation. Youth counsellors can also be very helpful.

Promises
Pray and claim promises and rejoice in the hope of a new life without abuse.
10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
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Behold, all they that were incensed against thee shall be ashamed and confounded: they shall be as nothing; and they that strive with thee shall perish. 12 Thou shalt seek them, and shalt not find them, even them that contended with thee: they that war against thee shall be as nothing, and as a thing of nought.
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For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

Fear not, thou worm Jacob, and ye men of Israel; I will help thee, saith the LORD, and thy redeemer, the Holy One of Israel. 15 Behold, I will make thee a new sharp threshing instrument having teeth: thou shalt thresh the mountains, and beat them small, and shalt make the hills as chaff. 16 Thou shalt fan them, and the wind shall carry them away, and the whirlwind shall scatter them: and thou shalt rejoice in the LORD, and shalt glory in the Holy One of Israel. When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue faileth for thirst, I the LORD will hear them, I the God of Israel will not forsake them. 18 I will open rivers in high places, and fountains in the midst of the valleys: I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water. 19 I will plant in the wilderness the cedar, the shittah tree, and the myrtle, and the oil tree; I will set in the desert the fir tree, and the pine, and the box tree together: 20 That they may see, and know, and consider, and understand together, that the hand of the LORD hath done this, and the Holy One of Israel hath created it. (Isa 41:10-20 AV)
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Resolving Unhealthy Relationships

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