All About CYNICISM

Is the world making you cynical? Don't worry... you're not alone. Come in, stranger, and shut the door behind you. Youre in The Cynics Sanctuary now, safe from the worldly vexations that may have driven you here. What kind of vexations would drive an otherwise healthy human being to seek solace among cynics? How about these, for starters: Overwork Unemployment "Well keep your resume on file" Politicians and other liars Feeling like an alien in your own country Feeling like an alien in your own family Being ridiculed by your inferiors Wondering if youre inferior to your inferiors Going bald, especially if youre a woman Getting stuck in a bad career Realizing that a bad career makes a bad life The decline of Western civilization The triumph of cockroaches and investment bankers Ugliness everywhere you look Cheesy books that stay on the bestseller list for 187 weeks Chronic disappointment Realizing that everything you like to eat can kill you Eating bean sprouts and dying young anyway Eternal damnation as your final reward In these congenial precincts you wont be snubbed by snooty high school cliques or badgered by clueless bosses. You wont have to endure money-mad MBAs, belligerent activists or merchandising tie-ins for the latest blockbuster film. Here youll find no dippy New Age gurus, no surefire diet plans that backfire two months later, no smug certainties of any kind. If you think of yourself as a cynic -- or even if youre not sure what to call yourself -- Id like you to feel at home here. Are you a disgruntled idealist, a subversive wit, a professional misfit, a skeptical jester, a curmudgeon, a social reject, a misanthrope, or a secret sentimentalist who longs for a simpler, sweeter life? Then youre among kindred spirits; youve found your proper tribe. Are you bitter, alienated, underappreciated or overwhelmed? Chances are youll fit right in. Were you born cynical, or was cynicism thrust upon you? Either way, this site was designed for you.

The cynics who visit these pages are as diverse as dogs, but were all brethren under the skin. Something about the ways of the world makes us want to

howl. Instead of baying at the moon -- an activity that could get some of us carried off by the dogcatcher -- weve banded together here in the grand tradition of the ancient Cynics. Let me tell you about them. A brief history of cynicism. Cynicism is a Greek invention, like the Doric column and the gyro sandwich. The first Cynics (we capitalize the name when were talking about the ancient ones) were students of a nowobscure philosopher named Antisthenes, who in turn was a student of the illustrious Socrates. Like Socrates, the Cynics believed that virtue was the greatest good. But they took it a step further than the old master, who would merely challenge unsuspecting folks to good-natured debates and let their own foolishness trip them up. The Cynics were more blunt when it came to exposing foolishness. Theyd hang out in the streets like a pack of dogs ("Cynic" comes from the Greek word for dog), watch the passing crowd, and ridicule anyone who seemed pompous, pretentious, materialistic or downright wicked. In fact, the early Cynics admired dogs for their freedom, their playfulness and joy, their simple morality and even their shamelessness about bodily functions. The ancient Cynics embraced poverty but led fiercely disciplined lives. They took pride in their independence and integrity. The most famous of the ancient Cynics was Diogenes, who reportedly took up residence in a tub to demonstrate his freedom from material wants. This cranky street-philosopher

would introduce himself by saying, "I am Diogenes the dog. I nuzzle the kind, bark at the greedy and bite scoundrels." Hed use a lantern by daylight, explaining that he was searching for an honest man. Even Alexander the Great didnt escape unscathed. When the young conqueror found Diogenes sunning himself in the marketplace and asked how he could help him, the old philosopher curtly replied, "You can step out of my sunlight."

As you might expect, the ancient Cynics habit of ridiculing their fellow citizens didnt win them many friends. People generally dont like to hear the hard truth about themselves, especially in public. But the Cynics felt they were on a mission from Zeus. As the Stoic philosopher Epictetus wrote several centuries later, "A Cynic is a spy who aims to discover what things are friendly or hostile to man; after making accurate observations, he then comes back and reports the truth." Cynics have been making those observations and reporting the truth ever since. The ancient Cynics have turned to dust, but their successors have carried on nobly in their spirit. Great names like Juvenal, Rabelais, Swift, Voltaire and Mark Twain have used the classic Cynics tools -- bitter irony, biting sarcasm and mirthful ridicule -- to expose the follies of their times as well as the timeless foibles of humankind. If you consider yourself a cynic, take pride in your heritage; the world needs you now more than ever. What cynicism means today, and why cynics need a sanctuary. Telling the truth can get you into hot water. As much as the world needs its cynics, it still doesnt REALIZE that it needs them. Cynics today are habitually castigated by politicians, corporate chieftains and other productive citizens with tidy lawns; they know that were on to them, so they lump us with the lowest of the low. Were generally cast as the heavies in the black hats, counterproductive miscreants who broil babies when were not spray-painting obscenities on public monuments. Were portrayed as masters of chicanery and intrigue, untrusting and untrustworthy. Since were neither leaders nor followers, were expected to get out of the way -and the tidy-lawn folks get furious when we dont. Nobody loves a cynic, except maybe another cynic. Even the dictionary definition of a cynic makes us look like scoundrels: "a faultfinding captious critic; esp. one who believes that human conduct is motivated wholly by self-interest." Aside from casting us in a negative light, Webster & Co. miss the point by half a mile. Wheres the hint of lost ideals, the rueful humor, the wounded childlike soul that lurks behind the cynics sarcasm? What a sadly maligned and misunderstood tribe we are! Cynicism, after all, springs not from cruelty or viciousness, but from precisely the opposite: a fatal love of virtue. If we were mere realists, wed have no need for cynicism; the world would never disappoint us because wed expect so little of it. But the best cynics are still idealists under their scarred hides. We wanted the world to be a better place, and we cant shrug off the disappointment when it lets us down. Our cynicism gives us the painful power to behold life shorn of its sustaining illusions. Thus my own definition of a cynic: "an idealist whose rose-colored glasses have been removed, snapped in two and stomped into the ground, immediately improving his vision." If we were activists, wed do something constructive about our discontentment. But were smart enough to know that we wont prevail, and probably a little too lazy to attempt any labor thats predestined to fail. So we retaliate with our special brand of wounded wit. If we cant defeat our oppressors, at least we can mock them in good fellowship. Thats about as much justice as a cynic can expect. The varieties of cynics. Like dogs, cynics come in all shapes and sizes. We have virtuous cynics, sarcastic cynics and wicked cynics... born cynics and midlife converts. Heres a brief but valuable guide to the breeds of cynic youll encounter today. Which kind are you? (Be aware that there are plenty of "mixed breed" cynics, combining two or more of the traits listed below.)

Born cynics. Some of us are just skeptical and irreverent by nature, and these people seem to slide effortlessly into lifelong cynicism. Its their birthright. Examples: George S. Kaufman, Groucho Marx, Bill Maher. Snarky cynics. They cant resist mocking anyone less hip or astute than themselves, and their relentless sarcasm can irritate the bejesus out of me. But I have to confess that they add spice to our tribe. Examples: Dorothy Parker, David Letterman, Stephen Colbert. Merry cynics. They positively relish their cynicism and manage to turn it into a lively one-ring circus. Examples: Rabelais, George Bernard Shaw, H. L. Mencken. Angry cynics. Their cynicism has made them bitter and curmudgeonly. They suffer inwardly but often entertain and enlighten the rest of us. Examples: Ambrose Bierce, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor. Misanthropic cynics. First cousins to the angry cynics, they gain whatever comfort they can from despising their fellow humans. Examples: Jonathan Swift, Friedrich Nietzsche, Florence King. Wounded cynics. These good-natured folks started out expecting the best from life and, somewhere along the way, had the rug pulled out from under them. They discovered to their dismay that the world doesnt reward goodness or integrity, though in their heart of hearts they still cling to both. Examples: Samuel Johnson, Holden Caulfield, Rick Bayan (yep, thats me). Alienated cynics. Theyre a breed apart: vaguely depressed, withdrawn, prone to morbid thoughts, nihilism and despair. Think "emo." Examples: Edgar Allan Poe, Charles Baudelaire, Morrisey. "Social" cynics. They lead dutiful, productive and often happy lives but will strike a cynical pose in public for its entertainment value. Examples: Jay Leno, Jerry Seinfeld, Ellen DeGeneres, Chris Rock. Wry cynics. More reflective than bitter, they quietly challenge conventional values with their quirky ideas. Examples: James Thurber, Bill Watterson ("Calvin and Hobbes"), George Carlin. Contrarian cynics. They cant abide smug certainties of any kind, so they develop the habit of questioning all accepted wisdom... a valuable trait, up to a point. Examples: La Rochefoucauld, Christopher Hitchens, Penn Jillette (of Penn and Teller). Distrustful cynics. True to the current dictionary definition of cynicism, they suspect everyones motives, believe that all human behavior is governed by selfishness, and (as H. L. Mencken observed) look around for a coffin whenever they smell flowers. Example: Your neighbor down the street with the hidden cache of weapons and survival supplies. Calculating cynics. They continually look out for #1 and never hesitate to stab a neighbor in the back. These so-called cynics are often castigated by politicians and CEOs who want to look virtuous by comparison. But I hesitate to include them in our tribe -- not simply because I dislike them, but because I dont believe theyre true cynics. Theyre just crass opportunists -- the kind of people who turn otherpeople into cynics. Examples: Josef Stalin, Gordon ("Greed is good") Gekko, Bernie Madoff. Positive cynics. An oxymoron? I dont think so. You can use the tools of cynicism (outrage, disobedience, mockery) to fight the evils of the world and, in your own fashion, make it a better place for the rest of us. Examples: Socrates, Jesus, Voltaire, Thoreau. Former cynics. Yes, some cynics get their fill of cynicism and move on. This can actually be a good thing. I advocate cynicism as a necessary station-stop along the road to enlightenment, but I dont believe it has to be your lifes work. Cynicism gives you the perspective you need to grasp the often sad realities of the universe. Armed with that knowledge, you can proceed to re-

engage with life and make a difference. Examples: Lord Byron, Benjamin Disraeli, Al Franken, Sidney Carton (hero of A Tale of Two Cities). The pros and cons of cynicism. Experts are divided on whether cynicism is good or bad for you, so of course the real answer isnt simple. First lets look at the negative side of the ledger: Even the author of The Cynics Dictionary has to confess that too much cynicism can be hazardous to your health. (I recommend cynicism in moderation, like alcohol and saturated fats.) For example, medical experts claim that cynics keel over from heart disease at three to four times the rate of non-cynics. If true, this shocking statistic can probably be attributed to the cynics inborn suspicion of medical experts (like the ones who issued the report about cynics and heart disease), his nonchalance about diet and smoking, and his indifference to exercise.

Cynics who fight the world (or disengage from it) can end up lonely, hostile, anxious and depressed, which probably wouldnt bode well as a longevity indicator. I also wonder if the cynics perpetual opposition to the ways of the world eventually saps his vitality and will to live. After all, we cynics are prone to believe that nothing we do makes a difference, so maybe our brains send subliminal "abort" signals to our bodies. Our cynicism can trip us up in our social and professional lives, too. Were not "team players," after all, and our chronic negativity can send the wrong message to non-cynics who expect us to cooperate. Were left with two viable options: grit our teeth and go along... or drop out and find fellow cynics who think the way we do. Finally, a world full of cynics probably wouldnt accomplish a whole lot. Yes, were an essential part of the mix, but even I will admit that civilization needs its forward-thinking types who actually go out and do things. Now lets look at the positive side of cynicism: A true cynic typically demands truth and fairness from acquaintances, public figures and institutions alike. In a notoriously corrupt world, this can only be a good thing. Cynics help keep everyone honest. We see through sham and hypocrisy, deplore disingenuous euphemisms, hate bullies and snicker at fools. Were the boy who cried out that the emperor has no clothes; the world needs us more than it knows.

But what does our cynicism do for us, other than dispose us toward depression and premature heart disease? Plenty. A good cynic refuses to be a passive victim. When the world tries to dismiss us or stomp us underfoot, we dont just wail and gnash our teeth; we retaliate with our special brand of cynical wit. We mock. We sneer. We laugh. We commiserate with our cynical peers. We start cynical websites. By doing so, we take control of a predicament that would otherwise make us feel helpless. Probably most important, our cynicism helps us keep our integrity when the rest of the world is selling out. Sure, we might not reap the same rewards as the go-along types. But were rewarded with a clear conscience, a reliable moral compass and an intact sense of self. That, my friends, is nothing to sneer at.

POSITIVE Cynicism
Traditional cynicism is a worthy and even noble world-view -- up to a point. We cynics value truth and integrity, so its only natural that the ways of the world make us bristle. Furthermore, were perfectly justified in our bristling. (Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.) And believe me, traditional cynicism offers multiple benefits to the true believer:

the rare opportunity to live in harmony with your values freedom from self-deception immunity against faddish "groupthink" development of an independent, contrarian mind and spirit realistic expectations from a less-than-perfect world self-protection against disappointment (we already know what to expect, dont we?) the joy of using irreverent humor to retaliate against our oppressors

So whats not to like? Well, traditional cynicism has its downside, as youve probably come to realize if youve been a practitioner for several years. Alienation, depression and

pervasive pessimism seem to be the true cynics lot. The good doctors have been telling us that all those negative emotions dont exactly do wonders for our health. In fact, Ive read that cynics are almost four times likelier than noncynics to keel over from heart disease. (Seems unfair, but what else can a cynic expect?) On top of that, traditional cynicism can blunt our ability to take action. If we believe that all our efforts are predestined to fail in an unfair world, whats the point of doing anything? Why not just curl up in our dens and hibernate through life? We cynics shouldnt resign ourselves to a life lived in the shadows. I dont want to lead you toward nihilism, despair and premature cardiovascular complaints. We cynics deserve happiness, at least in moderation. We deserve to prosper and prevail. Our stumbling, godforsaken world needs us now more than ever. But heres the million-dollar question: how do we live more positively without renouncing our integrity? Lets look at some existing alternatives to cynicism.

We all know people who glide through life on a perpetual wave of optimism and high spirits. Or people who compromise their integrity to survive. Or those who pour all their energy into a single half-demented cause. All these people have found a way of life that works for them (but probably wouldnt for us). Lets examine their beliefs and lifestyles. Realists are generally well-adjusted and successful, because they shun ideals and accept the world as it is. They also tend to be amoral and indifferent to justice. Theyve adapted to society so thoroughly that theyve lost any connection to archaic concepts like right and wrong. Realists often become effective politicians, lawyers and businesspeople, because they grasp the rules of the game and dont let ethical considerations stand between them and their goals. I have a grudging respect for realists but I find it hard to love them. Activists devote their lives, or at least significant chunks of their lives, to an all-consuming cause. Global warming, animal rights, abortion, gun control and racial justice are all important issues, but each of them is only a single piece of the puzzle that is life. Focusing on that one piece to the neglect of all the others is distorted at best and dangerous at worst. Activism is a trap because it can easily lead to obsession or fanaticism. Society needs its activists (just as it needs politicians), but its not a lifestyle I recommend to anyone who seeks enlightenment. Optimists enjoy life because theyve deluded themselves into believing that everything works out for the best. We cynics know better. Optimism certainly contributes to a sunny view of the universe, and theres nothing wrong with sunshine. But I have to wonder what happens to optimists who lose a child, for example. I suppose they believe that the child has gone straight to heaven. Such beliefs are pretty, but they require a tremendous suspension of both logic and outrage. Besides, congenitally upbeat people miss out on the deeper beauty that embellishes the cynics melancholy view of the world. Great literature and art are rarely produced by optimists. Stoics shield themselves from disappointment by detaching themselves from results. So what if youve spent three years of your life writing a very fine book, only to see it rejected by 37 publishers who would have preferred yet another ghostwritten memoir by yet another millionaire celebrity? The stoic is admirably immune to such slights, while the cynic boils inwardly and heaps infamy on the publishing world. Who is the more enlightened of the two? Probably the stoic. Who is better adjusted? Definitely the stoic. Who is right? Why, the cynic, of course. The publishing world is unfair. Willful indifference to adversity and injustice strikes me as forced and unnatural. The cynics outrage may be counterproductive and injurious to his health, but at least he hasnt cut himself off from his truest instincts. Skeptics use reason to sift through the vast communal basket of received ideas. Like cynics, theyre quick to spot a fraud and toss it into the dustbin. In fact, intelligent skeptics are indispensable members of society -- almost as valuable as the best cynics. We cynics use skepticism when we evaluate our societys sacred cows and find them wanting. The difference between a pure skeptic and a pure cynic is the formers near-total reliance on reason. A skeptic, by his very nature, distrusts the passions. And passionless people rarely have fun or make a mark on the world. Cynics achieve a better balance between reason and emotion; were more prone to righteous anger, mockery, outrage and other primal forces that can animate us and move us to action (as long as were not crippled by our own negativity). Were more childlike than the skeptics, for better or worse; we demand fairness and honesty from those around us. A skeptic just wants the facts. Idealists are what most of us were before we turned into cynics. The true idealist is a passionate believer in virtue, heroism and all of lifes romantic possibilities. We cynics typically look back on our idealistic days with a pang of nostalgia. Many of us would still like to be idealists, but it seems theres no going back; weve already seen too much of the world and its sinister operators. The more benevolent cynics harbor a good deal of affection for idealists; we

want to warn them, protect them, and prevent them from falling too hard. We hope life wont crush their spirits, because idealists are the most vulnerable of all thinking creatures. Unfortunately, idealism has its sinister side as well. It pays to remember that the Bolsheviks and Nazis were idealists, too. Nihilists don't believe in anything, of course. You could say that a nihilist is too cynical even to believe in cynicism. It cant be a pleasant existence, and I strongly urge you not to go there. Positive Cynicism: How to keep your integrity without making yourself miserable. After fifteen years as a professional cynic, I finally concluded that traditional cynicism doesn't make for an especially happy or useful life. Don't get me wrong: I believe cynicism is essential as a station on the road to enlightenment. We need our cynicism to help us see the world clearly and stay true to our principles. But there comes a time when we have to stop grumbling and start living again. Surely there's more to life than being against. What are we for?

Let me introduce you to my newly developed philosophical brainchild, which Ive dubbed POSITIVE CYNICISM. Simply stated, Positive Cynicism retains all the noblest attributes of traditional cynicism without the liabilities. Yes, you can still enjoy the traditional cynics high-minded disillusionment, the rejection of shabby values, the irreverence toward our oppressors, the deep need to think independently of intellectual fashions. But it doesnt stop there. If it did, we could all sink back into pessimism, depression, bitterness, lethargy and despair. The ultimate goal of Positive Cynicism is more ambitious: to help you build a more rewarding life for yourself and others without compromising your best cynical instincts. How do you live fully in this world without selling out or sacrificing your cynics credentials? Im convinced that it all starts here: Focus your energy on something you love. It could be writing or painting, launching your own business or helping the needy. It might be something as simple (and as all-consuming) as starting a family, or as complicated and reckless as entering politics. Take a class, teach a class, cultivate your garden and your social life. Meet new people. Rediscover long-lost friends. Find your soulmate. Build your skills. Feed your spirit. Expand your territory. As your life expands, so will your love of life. Youll be living on your own terms, so you can be your best self -- not the wretched, productivity-driven clone that society expects you to be. Preserve your individuality, your humor and whimsy and your charming childlike traits. Realize that you might not always be the most popular kid on the block, but never tolerate shabby treatment from others. Youre not a victim. Youre entitled to confront wrongdoers, demand justice and hold your head high.

Youre still free to loathe corporations, government bureaucracy, political parties, mindless pop celebrities, snobs, tyrants, degenerates, fanatics and all other manner of detestable life-forms with which were obligated to share this planet. Reject what you cant tolerate, then seek out everything that delights and improves you. Reward yourself by loving something with a passion. Something good. Something that appeals to your best instincts. Here are just a few of the things you can love without compromising your integrity: Virtue * valor * honesty * character * humor * creativity * friends * family * community * satisfying work * food * sex (assuming you're old enough and ready enough) * romance * nature * travel * exercise * sports * art * music * classic films * reading * education * meditation * adventure * spiritual quests * truth * freedom * good causes * thwarted souls * kindred spirits * yourself! When you live with passion, you generate positive feelings within yourself and around yourself. You begin to attract the right kinds of friends and associates. Youll still be a cynic, but your cynicism will be selective instead of pervasive; youll hate only the things worth hating... not life itself, not the good people and kindred spirits who are out there waiting to enhance your existence. Youll immunize yourself against the traditional cynics despair without abandoning the cynics creed. You could actually be happy -- thoughtfully happy, not mindlessly happy. History is full of Positive Cynics. They just didnt know it at the time.

Think of Socrates, who started by disputing the irrational beliefs of his friends and neighbors and ended up revolutionizing Western thought. Think of Jesus, a renegade provincial preacher who rebuked the religious establishment and transformed countless millions of souls across the world and down through the centuries. Theres Voltaire, who risked his personal security to denounce inhumane institutions and liberate captive minds. Closer to home, Thoreau managed to cause a lasting uproar with his quiet philosophy of nonviolent civil disobedience. Some of the greatest individuals in history qualify as Positive Cynics. They used their cynics critical faculties to spot errors and injustices, but they didnt simply rant in solitude. They had the courage and tenacity to live their beliefs in the open, and the fortitude to prevail. We cant all expect to prevail in this world, but we can emulate the great Positive Cynics of the past and find strength in their examples. Start practicing Positive Cynicism in your own life, and let me know how it works for you. 1. Hold fast to your cynics insistence on truth and integrity 2. Focus your energy on something you love 3. Regain your passion for life; seek out everything that delights and improves you 4. Expand your territory and build a life on your terms

5. Attract kindred spirits into your life 6. Stand up to those who disparage you or your values 7. Be selectively cynical; hate only what's worth hating 8. Emulate the great Positive Cynics and use your beliefs for the public good I'd like to swap ideas with you and forge our new philosophy together. E-mail me at rick@icynic.com and Ill post your thoughts right here on this page. Lets compile some real-life examples of Positive Cynicism in action. And be sure to tell your like-minded friends about our new philosophy; thats how we turn an idea into a movement. I dont pretend to present Positive Cynicism as the answer to all of lifes conundrums and vexations. Cynics know there are no neat answers. But Im convinced that we cynics need to start living with a greater sense of joy and purpose. We werent born cynical, after all; in most cases our cynicism was thrust upon us. We need to shed some of the negative baggage thats been weighing us down. Not all of it, mind you -- just enough to help us see that we can enjoy our earthly existence without sacrificing the principles that turned us into cynics in the first place. We can be cynical without being defeatist, just as we can live passionately without being fanatical. Are you with me? Then lets build a brave new philosophy based on the love of truth, virtue, justice, humor and action -- a philosophy that can transform our lives and possibly even the world. As cynics, we know the road wont be easy. As Positive Cynics, we can resolve to enjoy the journey. All the best,

Rick Bayan