CLASS NOTES

INTERPERSONAL SECTION

FROM BRIGHT TO DARK -Communication and competence **ITS ALL ABOUT PROCESS

Implications of communication competencies -Reality, Control, Context, Corporation -Communication concepts apply at several levels -Intrapersonal, interpersonal, group, organizationl, public, mass

COMMUNICATIONS, dyadic communication of sharing roles between communicators. -its human, collective, creating something that wasnt before.

COMMUNICATION COMPETENCIES -What is real? Our own reality -If you go into a relationship both of you have to have some form of control. **The end result of communication is so you can become a competent communicator. -Interpersonal interaction creates relationships; joint behavior-cognitive construct, mini cultures. -When two people give value to interaction- see a future of similar behavior-take personal cues-and make decisions based on joint behavior.

PARASOCIAL RELATIONSHIP, not actual interaction because you dont know them. (an example would be Miley Cyrus)

CHARACTERISTIC OF RELATIONSHIPS -Begin with awareness -developed/maintained/evolved through coordinated interaction -individual recognize, analyze **Trenholm says-Competence= Healthy relationships -Shared vision -Clear rules mutually negotiated that benefit the relationship shared work ethics

-DISENTANGLING THE DARK SIDE -Not necessarily catastrophic relational behavior -Definitely problematic: dangerous liaisons -averse interpersonal behavior -behaving badly -evil -interpersonal problems

7 DARK THEMES 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) Dysfunctional, distorted aspect of behavior Deviance. Betrayal, awkward, rude Exploitation Unfulfilled, unpotential, underestimated Study of unattractive, unwanted, distasteful boundaries Conclusions: people relate to each other with mixed motives

7) Different individuals evaluate behavior differently

CLASS NOTES 09/02/13

MISUNDERSTANDINGS

*There is much more to misunderstandings than just a misunderstanding. Misunderstandings increase as the closeness in the relationship increases. -This is because we begin to assume how someone else, or our partner would think.

UNDERSTANDING, congruence between one persons meta-perspective and the other persons direct perspective. MISUNDERSTANDING, the difference in those two perspectives.

~Although at first it sounds crazy when we say that misunderstandings increase with the closeness of the relationship, but as Dr. Woods explained it actually makes complete sense. If you look at a couple who has only been dating for a couple weeks they are new to each other and still getting to know the other persons likes and dislikes. If you change the relationship to a couple who has been married for a long time, the two of them presume they know everything about the other person when they actually know much less. My step father has been married to my mother for almost 15 years now and they are the perfect example of this situation. He is a very conservative Republican and very outspoken about his political views and speaks to my mother as if of course she agrees with him. Im fairly certain that he hasnt ever asked her opinion on politics because he just assumed that since they were both LDS and from Utah they would have the same ideals, where though my mother is not very vocal about it actually is a Libertarian and would love it if Ron Paul ever had a chance. I think this is a perfect example of not only a misunderstanding, but also a motivated misunderstanding because I know my step-father doesnt ever ask her opinion intentionally because he would not be happy if he found out it was anything different from his.

PERSPECTIVES -META-PERSPECTIVE, one persons estimate of the partners perspective. -DIRECT PERSPECTIVE, what the partner actually thinks. *Sillars thoughts on Motivation -Motivation gets mixed with disagreements (in relationships)

DIFFERENT TYPES OF MISUNDERSTANDING -Innocent misunderstanding, a mistake, happened because of noise, easily resolved. -Motivated misunderstanding, driven by affect and structured by goals the sender wants to accomplish. -Sometimes we lie so we can accomplish something . -Sometimes people do not even know their own perspectives themselves.

~Personally, I have seen many women use motivated misunderstanding to accomplish something that their partner might not want to do, but if they use the correct wording to describe the situation then they can coerce their partner to go. An example would be if I really wanted to go up to Park City to do some shopping at the outlets but knew he would not agree to just a shopping trip, then I could highlight that we should go up to Park City to a great new steakhouse Saturday. Since I know he loves steak and always trying a great new place, I know he will take the bait to go and once were on our way I can say I really want to stop in to the outlets for just a bit to get some shopping done while were up here. By that time we will already be up there and Im taking him to dinner then he would feel bad complaining too much about some shopping. In that situation I most definitely had a motivated reason to have him misunderstand my end goal.

Relational partners must constantly check and recheck both perspectives constantly or suffer misunderstanding. Both exist in a CONSTANT state of misunderstanding.

INTERPERSONAL PROPERTIES OF PERCEPTION

-FAMILIARTY AND BIAS, ironically, familiarity leads to bias NOT understanding -AMBIGUITY, strategic, ambiguity complicates interactive ambiguity -CERTANITY, without clarifying. Perceptions we increase uncertainty -NARRATIVE AND RHETORICAL, our stories and arguments become one sided, self-serving -our perspectives become incongruent

WHY DONT WEYOU WORK HARDER AT TAKING PERSPECTIVES? -Extreme motivated misunderstandings become conflicts! -Conflicts are almost ALWAYS seen differently from the perspectives of the different parties involved! -When engaged in the same conversation, even on the same subject, normally you arent thinking the same thing.

Sillar says that in any motivated misunderstanding YOU have almost no meta or direct congruence in perspectives. Sillars conclusions: -People have to consciously make a decision to try and understand the other persons perspective. -Realize we RARELY know what our partner is thinking. -We need to make perspective checking a major interpersonal behavior.

~I disagree with Sillars when it comes to him saying that we rarely know what our partner is thinking. I do agree that many people could completely misunderstand almost every situation, but I also believe that there are some people who are very in tune with others thoughts and perspectives and after knowing someone for long enough can almost guess how they will react to a situation or event. I think in romantic relationships this would be harder to accomplish, but I have two best female friends who Ive known since 7th grade and I 99.9% believe that I could guess their direct perspective to almost all of the situations they would come across.

CLASS NOTES 09/02/13

MISUNDERSTANDINGS

*There is much more to misunderstandings than just a misunderstanding. Misunderstandings increase as the closeness in the relationship increases. -This is because we begin to assume how someone else, or our partner would think.

UNDERSTANDING, congruence between one persons meta-perspective and the other persons direct perspective. MISUNDERSTANDING, the difference in those two perspectives.

~Although at first it sounds crazy when we say that misunderstandings increase with the closeness of the relationship, but as Dr. Woods explained it actually makes complete sense. If you look at a couple who has only been dating for a couple weeks they are new to each other and still getting to know the other persons likes and dislikes. If you change the relationship to a couple who has been married for a long time, the two of them presume they know everything about the other person when they actually know much less. My step father has been married to my mother for almost 15 years now and they are the perfect example of this situation. He is a very conservative Republican and very outspoken about his political views and speaks to my mother as if of course she agrees with him. Im fairly certain that he hasnt ever asked her opinion on politics because he just assumed that since they were both LDS and from Utah they would have the same ideals, where though my mother is not very vocal about it actually is a Libertarian and would love it if Ron Paul ever had a chance. I think this is a perfect example of not only a misunderstanding, but also a motivated misunderstanding because I know my step-father doesnt ever ask her opinion intentionally because he would not be happy if he found out it was anything different from his.

PERSPECTIVES -META-PERSPECTIVE, one persons estimate of the partners perspective. -DIRECT PERSPECTIVE, what the partner actually thinks. *Sillars thoughts on Motivation -Motivation gets mixed with disagreements (in relationships)

DIFFERENT TYPES OF MISUNDERSTANDING -Innocent misunderstanding, a mistake, happened because of noise, easily resolved. -Motivated misunderstanding, driven by affect and structured by goals the sender wants to accomplish. -Sometimes we lie so we can accomplish something . -Sometimes people do not even know their own perspectives themselves.

~Personally, I have seen many women use motivated misunderstanding to accomplish something that their partner might not want to do, but if they use the correct wording to describe the situation then they can coerce their partner to go. An example would be if I really wanted to go up to Park City to do some shopping at the outlets but knew he would not agree to just a shopping trip, then I could highlight that we should go up to Park City to a great new steakhouse Saturday. Since I know he loves steak and always trying a great new place, I know he will take the bait to go and once were on our way I can say I really want to stop in to the outlets for just a bit to get some shopping done while were up here. By that time we will already be up there and Im taking him to dinner then he would feel bad complaining too much about some shopping. In that situation I most definitely had a motivated reason to have him misunderstand my end goal.

Relational partners must constantly check and recheck both perspectives constantly or suffer misunderstanding. Both exist in a CONSTANT state of misunderstanding.

INTERPERSONAL PROPERTIES OF PERCEPTION

-FAMILIARTY AND BIAS, ironically, familiarity leads to bias NOT understanding -AMBIGUITY, strategic, ambiguity complicates interactive ambiguity -CERTANITY, without clarifying. Perceptions we increase uncertainty -NARRATIVE AND RHETORICAL, our stories and arguments become one sided, self-serving -our perspectives become incongruent

WHY DONT WEYOU WORK HARDER AT TAKING PERSPECTIVES? -Extreme motivated misunderstandings become conflicts! -Conflicts are almost ALWAYS seen differently from the perspectives of the different parties involved! -When engaged in the same conversation, even on the same subject, normally you arent thinking the same thing.

Sillar says that in any motivated misunderstanding YOU have almost no meta or direct congruence in perspectives. Sillars conclusions: -People have to consciously make a decision to try and understand the other persons perspective. -Realize we RARELY know what our partner is thinking. -We need to make perspective checking a major interpersonal behavior.

~I disagree with Sillars when it comes to him saying that we rarely know what our partner is thinking. I do agree that many people could completely misunderstand almost every situation, but I also believe that there are some people who are very in tune with others thoughts and perspectives and after knowing someone for long enough can almost guess how they will react to a situation or event. I think in romantic relationships this would be harder to accomplish, but I have two best female friends who Ive known since 7th grade and I 99.9% believe that I could guess their direct perspective to almost all of the situations they would come across.

CLASS NOTES 9/10/13 PERSPECTIVE TAKING Relationships are dangerous liaisons Healthy-----------------Dark Side PERSPECTIVE TAKING -Modivated misunderstanding=lack of perspective taking -Why dont we take each others perspective?

Additional Sillar Insights-People so not seek complete understanding of others, rather they seek a partial understanding that is adequate for their own interaction goals. -Perspective taking requires temporary suppression of ones own perspective, which is especially difficult in a stressful and cognitively demanding environment.

DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS 3 simultaneous conversations what happened (innocent and motivated) What do you do to take perspective? -Being with the third story -Extend an invitation

MAP FOR THE CONVERSATION -Third story -Their story -Your story Ask them their side of the story, then SHUT UP & LISTEN!

CURCIAL CONVERSATIONS -Safety issues are dangerous -When it is unsafe people tend to get silent or violent. -In unsafe interactions perspective taking stops.

MAKE IT SAFE -Step out of content, make it safe, step back in -You must do perspective taking to make it safe again

PERSPECTIVE TAKING -Motivational Interviewing -Perspective taking focused on the other person -Core skills: REFLECTING

Very useful therapist tactic-Therapist reflect, indicates listening, helps the patient clarify their own direct perspective. -Simultaneously clarifies therapists metaperspective. -Become the social mirror, when someone has a problem they listen, then re-clarify the direct perspective back to them.

-This helps them make their own motivated changes (realize what they want to change after hearing someone repeat it to them) -Meta and direct perspectives align. **You get the third story by reflecting in everyday relationships

PERSPECTIVE TAKING -Is a critical issue -Modivated misunderstanding can be addressed with perspective taking. -When dangerous conversations erupt, use the third story and safety concepts to drive perspective taking. -Reflection is a great perspective taking skill -Proactive perspective taking, even simple attempts, addresses Sillars motivated misunderstanding -Perspective taking by reflection supercharges Sillars recommendations. PERSPECTIVE TAKING allows someone else to actually get their point across.

TRANSITIONS ------------ TURBULENCE

RELATIONSHIPS -Real third entity -Created through interaction -Co-created -Exist during interaction, memory when not interacting -Partners see future -Partners give value -They evolve, maintain

RELATIONSHIPS ARE DYNAMIC-THEY CONSTANTLY EVOLVE -Relationships experience turning points; TRANSISTIONS TRANSISTIONS create pressure on relational systems. -The individuals and the relationship change simultaneously RELATIONAL TURBULENCE MODEL RELATIONAL UNCERTAINTY FACTOR, always changing in a relationship. -self uncertainty (uncertain about yourself in the relationship) -partner uncertainty -relational uncertainty

-Once there is increasing uncertainty people become more likely to pull meta perspective and direct perspectives apart. -Think negatively about things, surprises become issues.

INTERDEPENDENCE PROCESS FACTOR -INTERFERENCE -Partner facilitation reduces (not meshing as well) -Partner interference grows -Relationship is DISRUPTED=TURBULENCE *Transitions create turbulence TURBULENCE = RELATIONSHIP INSTABILITY

**WHAT TO DO -Avoid misunderstanding during transistion -More frequent perspective taking

-Lift your awareness of how partners deal with transitions and get ahead of challenges. -Sensitively handled transitions/turbulence can be turned into a relationship enhancing experience.

Class Notes 9/17/13 The Trouble with Computer Mediated Interpersonal Communication Reading: Manipulation of Self in Cyberspace by M. T. Whitty, in B. H. Spitzberg, & W. R. Cupach (2007) The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication

THE SOCIAL WORLD OF CYBERSPACE Today many of our relational interaction is being accomplished through various devices in cyberspace. Necessitating that we personally and academically consider how computer mediated communication, or CMC affect our relationships.

CURRENT CMC RESEARCH -Nonverbal and other cues are lacking in CMC -Discrepancies emerge between our online and offline selves -Lying, stalking, and other dark behaviors get supercharged -DISINHIBITION occurs very often when online.

DISSOCIATIVE ANONYMITY, you can be online without anyone knowing who they are.

MANIPULATION OF SELF CYBERSPACE potential space = play space cyberspace = potential space -We may get creative with the selves we present -We may get saturated with too many selves -Keeping track of our different selves may get in the way of face-to-face relationships

MY RESPONSE TO SOME OF THE DISSCUSSION QUESTIONSDo you feel too connected? -I definitely find myself wishing that we could go back to the time when there wasnt Facebook, text messaging, email, and etc a lot. I hate how I am always multi-tasking with texting, FB, taking notes and actually still thinking I can pay attention in class while all of those other things are going on. I am really beginning to notice more and more how it is impossible to be present in the moment these days. Do you believe CMC benefits outweigh the dangers? -When it comes to having general friendships I do really enjoy the benefits of CMC because it helps me stay in touch with many people that I do not live close to anymore. But in reference to CMC when someone is in a committed relationship and they constantly find them self online searching for emotional attention elsewhere I think it is more damaging. It can easily make a persons dark side come out and hurt the relationship. Have you seen a Manti Teo situation? -I think almost every person in their twenties has seen a Manti Teo situation. Even if it didnt happen personally or as dramatic, everyone knows a story of someone being deceived by someone online. As I spoke earlier about a blind date with someone I met on Facebook, I think these situations normally turn out for the worst because when you find out the truth you just feels so betrayed and lied to that you dont want to give the person a chance to make it up. You become very closed off and normally it ends there. What do you believe about the effects of CMC in your current relationship? ~My boyfriend and I recently broke up a couple months ago and I know that CMC actually had a large part in the breakup. The relationship actually started on Facebook when we reconnected after not seeing each other for a very long time. The problem was as our relationship went on I noticed how different our relationship was from his with other females. I would see from comments on his social media wall how different his personality was with those women than with me. He was a lot funnier and carefree, and reminded me of how we were in the beginning stages of dating. It really pointed out how stiff and dull our relationship had become and made me realize we werent bringing out the best in each other. I really think CMCs help you realize which self someone is most comfortable being and who they really want to be offline from their online information.
9/19/13 SUMMARY

-RELATIONSHIP=INTERACTION -INTERACTION= CONTENT & PROCESS

-Both dark and bright processes influence relationships. -Bright and dark are always present within relationships. -No dark side without a bright side! -Most dangers enacted through process

The Real Questions??? -What do we think now -Is there some reality in realizing that there is a dark side? ~Yes, I believe there most definitely is. As we have discussed there is a bright and dark side to everything so once you acknowledge that I think you will have a better perspective of the way things really are. -Do we choose to evoke the dark side? ~I agree with what we said in class that sometimes it is essential that we evoke the dark side in order for us to be able to get our point across. I am the type of person who hates confrontation or arguing in any type of relationship, but especially in romantic relationships. I often find that I suppress many of the things that are important to me because I know my partner would like them a different way. In the beginning I think that it is easier that way because then the argument is avoided, but what really ends up happening is the relationship lacks any perspective from me. I allow him to win all the arguments, choose all the places to eat, politically I dont express my thoughts and soon I find that we have nothing in common when he thinks that I agree with the way things have been going. After taking this class I see how much it that is my fault because Im sure he thinks our perspectives are congruent when he really has no idea what my direct perspective is. If I would evoke the dark side slowly into my relationships Im sure that in the end it would alleviate many of the misunderstanding we come across

-Bad is stronger than good. -Negative interactions are more impactful than good.

THE GOOD NEWS: -While negative relational events have more impact, the positive are more numerous.