C R U C I A L S K I L L S

When Crucial Conversations Go Social How to

Handle Heated Discussions via Social Media

Advice from the authors of Crucial Conversations and stories from readers of the Crucial Skills Newsletter Crucial conversations arent always spoken. Often, theyre
typed. And with the growing prevalence of technologies and virtual forums like instant messaging, texting, and social media, on-screen communication is nearly replacing face-to-face dialogue. So, we wondered, what do crucial conversations look like via social media and how well or poorly are we handling them? Most of us have observed increasing tensions rising in our social feeds as people debate hot-button political issues and share their controversial opinions in the absence of any real company. But just how bad is it? We polled 2,700 people and found that social networks are becoming increasingly hostile. In fact, 78 percent of users report rising incivility online and 2 in 5 admit to blocking, unsubscribing, or unfriending someone due to an argument they had via social media.

Rising Hostility Trends:

3 in 4 have witnessed an argument on social media 4 in 5 report rising incivility on social media 2 in 5 have unsubscribed, blocked or unfriended someone as a result 1 in 5 have reduced in-person contact with someone over a cyber argument 88% believe people are less polite on social media than in person 81% say emotional conversations held on social media are most often unresolved The survey respondents also shared some jaw-dropping stories of these hostile social media interactions that have spilled over into real life and ruined valuable relationships.

Its time for some rules.

Social media platforms are not the problem. The users are. In fact, social media platforms allow us to connect with others and strengthen relationships in ways that werent possible before. But as with all things new, etiquette and guidelines around how to use these platforms havent caught up with the reduced bandwidth. Its time we all followed a few simple rules to ensure our crucial conversations held via social media are not just candid but also respectful. The VitalSmarts authors share the following eight tips for holding crucial conversations via social media:

Check your motives. Social media hasnt only changed the

way we communicate, it has modified our motives. Ask yourself, Is my goal to get lots of likes (or even provoke controversy)? or Do I want healthy dialogue?

The Family Photo Fiasco: One of my brothers posted an

embarrassing picture on Facebook of our sister who asked him to remove it. He not only refused to remove the photo, but instead, blasted it out to his entire contact list. The situation got out of hand and my brother unfriended all of the siblings. He has also refused contact with us for the past two years.

Use the 4X rule. Since others cant see or hear you, realize
theyll amplify the emotion of anything you write fourfold.

Write it twice. Before posting your comments, re-read your

message and ask yourself, How might someone misunderstand my intent? Then re-write it to ensure your true feelings come across.

Replace hot words. If your goal is to make a point rather than

score a point, replace hot words that provoke offense with words that help others understand your position. For example, replace that is idiotic with I disagree for the following reasons

The Hostile Coworker: A frustrated co-worker posted a

message about wanting to handle co-workers like we did in the old days, followed by some descriptive and violent detail. Ultimately, employees unfriended their colleague on Facebook and avoid her in the office for fear shell come after [us].

Pause to put emotions in check. Never post a comment

when youre feeling emotionally triggered. Never! If you wait four hours youre likely to respond differently.

Opinions are Stronger than Blood: My cousin and I are

both Registered Nurses. I posted something healthcare-related on Facebook, and she commented, I am ashamed you are in my family. I cant believe you would post something like this! I responded to her comment via private message and we went backand-forth for a few days. In the end, she unfriended me and said I was bad for her blood pressure.

Agree before you disagree. Its fine to disagree, but dont

point out your disagreement until you acknowledge areas where you agree. Often, arguers agree on 80 percent of the topic but create a false sense of conflict when they spend all their time arguing over the other 20 percent.

Cheating Facebook Fianc: A former classmate was soon

to be married and she thought her fianc was having a pre-extra marital affair. My classmate called both the fianc and the other woman out on Facebook. As it later happened, the classmate apologized on Facebook, deleted the comments and eventually did end up marrying the guy.

Trust your gut. When reading a response to your post and you feel
the conversation is getting too emotional for an online exchange youre right! Stop. Take it offline. Or better yet, face-to-face.

Apologies take twice as long. If, in the end, youve offended

someone, sorry isnt nearly long enough. Express your remorse in an extended enough form to demonstrate your sincerity. In addition to our authors advice, our survey respondents offered the following guidelines, from their years of experience, on what to do and what not to do when communicating online.

Wedding Registry Gone Wrong: My husband and I did not

have a traditional wedding and opted to get married privately. We posted a link on Facebook to our wedding registry site for those who felt compelled to purchase a gift for us. My brother-in-law was upset at my perceived audacity and blew up on Facebook. My husband and I unfriended him and did not speak to him for a year until he apologized.

10 Things NOT TO DO When Communicating Via Social Media

Dont forget the conversation is public
A peer called in sick stating she had a migraine then posted on Facebook, My schedule just freed up, who can go to happy hour? This caused quite the commotion after another colleague saw this post and replied, How irresponsible. After a horrible fight with my ex fianc, he changed his Facebook relationship status to single. My best friend and family members called to see if I was okay. While I was still reeling from the aftermath of the fight, he was telling friends and family about our breakup.

The day after the Presidential Election, my youngest brother posted a very derogatory comment on Twitter about the elections outcome. I jokingly tweeted back a smart-mouth tweet that I thought was funny, to which he answered very negatively. He blocked me and my children from Twitter and Facebook and I no longer have a relationship with my brother.

Dont be insensitive to your potential audience

My former classmate posted on Facebook that she didnt have many casual clothes to wear to our high school reunion because she held an important position in the corporate world. Another classmate initiated a new post about how she would not be attending the reunion because she didnt fit in with those who considered themselves so important. One of my best friends is an expat in Central America and posted a complaint on Facebook about the driving culture in the country. He totally missed that he had several local friends. Then a nasty discussion started which ended with him closing his account.

Dont post vague comments

My father-in-law posted on Facebook that he was disappointed he did not receive a thank you card within his desired timeframe for a gift his wife sent out of state. This was passive aggressive as he didnt mention my husband and I directly, but made it clear he was referring to us. I have avoided interaction with him via social media for this reason. My daughter was upset because her boyfriend did not want to come to her 21st birthday celebration with our family. She posted a passive aggressive comment on Facebook about how some people are there for you when you need them and others arent. Since it was vague, others who could not make the celebration thought the comment was directed at them.

Dont forget that what you say can and will be held against you
An employee friended a supervisor in their workplace. The supervisor visited the employees Facebook page and discovered a poor comment. She fired the employee. A friend had her relationship with her child care provider go south. The provider and some of the providers family members became involved and engaged their small community in the dispute to say untrue and unflattering things about my friend. All parties involved engaged in crude and offensive language via Facebook and texts. Unfortunately this situation has been referred to the courts and to fraud investigators due to the social content. At this time the situation remains unresolved.

Dont refuse to agree to disagree

Prior to the 2012 Presidential Election, my youngest brother voiced his political views on Facebook. His views are quite different from mine. One post angered meinstead of commenting, I removed him from my friend list. I posted my support of a political party on Facebook, and the person I was dating at the time had a close relative who sent me repeated comments that were quite offensive. After ignoring it at first, my parents responded in my defense, and I preceded to unfriend that person.

Dont encroach on boundaries

I had a boss who posted on Facebook that she had a possible date for me. I was offended that she would publicly announce the date issue, and upon stating that, she seemingly dismissed my concern. I decided to block her as she did not respect my value of privacy. A Facebook friend regularly posted graphic commentary about her reasons for being vegan. I finally blocked her posts, yet she would message me asking my opinions of her posts. I shared that I was uncomfortable with her postings and she involved our other friends in the matter. I ended up deleting my account.

Dont use sarcasm which is hard to interpret

I observed a manager try to discuss someones poor work performance in an instant message conversation. The staff member thought the manager was joking and responded that the manager was right; he is lazy and doesnt work. LOL. The discussion very quickly became inflamed; nothing was resolved, only amplified.

Dont use social media when another forum is more appropriate

Our Homeowners Association posted a decision affecting our neighborhood on Facebook. This opened up a plethora of complaints about the situation which led to a personal attack on several members of the neighborhood. There is still no resolution. I am the manager of an ICU and several nurses in my unit have friended me. One afternoon, I was on Facebook and saw that one of the nurses was discussing a patient in a specific room. I jumped in and asked them to stop the conversation and remove the post, which they did. However, Ive now been blocked by many of these nurses.

Keep in touch
A buddy moved states and I was reminded via Facebook of his birthday. I sent a Facebook message to express my admiration and told him that he inspires me. In person, I would not be that open with my feelings. His response was very generous and the friendship was strengthened.

Show support
My daughter had an issue with her 5th grade teacher. I considered the teacher a bully and was in and out of the principals office. I posted the issue and received some good advice from other moms. Long story short, I finally got my daughter moved to a new teacher and the principal apologized. My friends son died in a work-related accident. He lingered for a week or so before he passed, and Facebook helped keep me informed of how she was doing and how he was progressing. It was a traumatic time, but through Facebook we could stay informed and provide emotional support for my friend when she needed it most.

Dont fight with strangers

I was against a local legislative initiative and stated so online as a status update. It was then rebutted by a friend. Another friend rebutted that argument and a verbal quarrel broke out on my page. I was shocked and upset that two people who didnt know each other had the audacity to go at it publicly on my page. During election season, two of my friends who didnt know each other began to argue about politics in response to a politically neutral statement I posted on Facebook. I was very disappointed in them both for engaging with a stranger in a public space like they did.

Engage in dialogue
I enjoy social media as a place for people of different viewpoints to share thoughtful input on difficult politics. For example, I grew up as a bleeding-heart liberal who never understood Republicans point of view. I have a much better understanding and appreciation for their point of view now because of my friends well-expressed points and critiques.

Dont drink and type

A Facebook friend posted that his wife was going to divorce him. That post resulted in 72 postings and after the 50th post, his wife told him to stop posting because their entire network could see the conversation happen in real time. The conversation probably occurred when they were both drinkingthe next day, cooler heads prevailed because theyre still together.

Have tolerance
A right-wing Facebook friend blamed a well-known media personality of leaning left and said she was dumb. I commented that in a democracy, all people, including media, have an opinion on politics. After a set of volleys and countervolleys, we resolved the issue of being tolerant to others views and opinionseven if one does not agree.

10 Things TO DO When Communicating Via Social Media

Establish mutual purpose
The crucial conversation was of two opposing opinions on healthcare. We were able to find mutual purpose through the larger group conversation that ensued. The originator of the original conversation acknowledged the other views and I think we all came away with a broader perspective.

Apologize
Someone I knew from high school posted something like, I feel the darkness closing in. And I joked, Of course, we all do, since its been raining all week. He replied that he didnt have suicidal thoughts due to the weather. Yikes! I immediately private messaged him and apologized for minimizing his comment, that I didnt know he was talking about suicide, and that I was very sympathetic to his feelings.

 My niece is an atheist and shared a post on how stupid Christians are to believe what we believe. I was offended and actually unfriended her because it was one of many very caustic posts on religion. She contacted me and apologized for offending me. We agreed that she would not include me in any further posts on her views and we refriended.

Another friend just typed, ? Our son was embarrassed by the first friends comment and avoids that person. However, he has remained friends with the second friend due to the tactful way the issue was handled.

Discuss hot-button issues privately

My friend created a secret Facebook group for those who want to debate hot topics. They can join the group and have those discussions privately. It works very wellthere are lots of different opinions and we hear each other out. Most of all, we arent forced to see others opinions, rather, we want to be included.

Start with heart

One of my Facebook friends blasted a police officer for giving her a ticket for not wearing her seat belt. This was a hot-button issue for me and I quickly began typing my opinion. Fortunately, I realized I was too emotionally charged to respond in a productive way so I waited to post until later that evening.

Create safety
After purchasing a new car, I noticed there were some scratches and issues with cleanliness. I posted on the dealerships Facebook page that I was relatively pleased with the purchase with the exceptions noted. The following day the dealership took care of the issues and I left a subsequent Facebook comment on how pleased I was with their customer service. My son posted a joke on Facebook that was in poor taste. One of his friends told him he should be ashamed of himself.

Make new connections

I was contacted via LinkedIn for a consulting opportunity. We had some communication via the network before talking over the phone. The exchange of communication was constructive, detailed, very polite, and efficient.
For more advice from the authors of Crucial Conversations on speaking up in difficult situations, visit the Crucial Skills blog at www.crucialskills.com.