READ FIRST! (This is an English translation. the original text can be found at queer jihad.dk in Danish.

Because its a translation the poems wont rhythm. Also words as Gender* have several meanings, In danish Gender and Sex is the same word so whenever the word gender is used it can both mean something about the body, the gender role the identity or a mix. Too add some confussion gender can also mean Pretty so one of the quetes like; no gender makes the world pretty directly mean: no Sex/gender(pretty) makes the world pretty. Beside this gender confussion theres many trans related word which Im not sure how to translate in English (or if they even exist) so I just leaved them as they are and in general try to keep it as original as possible. -----------

Body impossible
Welcome This is the beginning I have wrote this on and off for around a year now, and each time it feels like Im starting over again. It dosent look like Im figuring out what its all about, just that its all in my head, but what do I exactly want to write about? Maybe I just want to tell small story and thoughts who again and again makes me wonder about my gender and sexuality. Maybe to show that theres other things going on in my head than what shown in the movies, even the movies about gay and transsexuals.

Maybe I could just call myself a straight woman, cause I do have whats considered a womans body, and I do fall in love and have sex with men. But saying that would feel like a lie, cause what gender and sexuality one have is more than that. Once Sexuality isnt just about who you have sex with, and ones gender isnt just about having a penis or vagina for fuck sake. How I wish that was what I would feel comfortable with. being a straight woman then I would know exactly how I should be, which role to play. We all play a role its okay if you feel comfortable in your role, I just cant stand being in the same role all the time. Therefore I sometimes step out of it to later step into it again, once in a while I want to play straight woman but not all the time, Im more than that. Maybe you could say Im a straight woman with lesbian and transsexual tendencys but thats more confusing than informing. All the easiness being in a category as straight, woman (or transsexual, transvestite, bisexual etc. ) disappear when its get mixed together, and it make the terms more or less useless. Besides its also very small and hard to define, its things who happen in my everyday life, in my thoughts, dreams and fantasies. But its there and should have all the space in my life it needs. This the deep thoughts from my privacy. Its not a connected text but small stories and mind thoughts, so you can read it

step by step or all at once. You can think this is the worst piece of crap you read, but some people are turned on by craps. Enjoy Trine )

Btw, I can stand up and pee if I just practice hard enough or get one of those stand-to-pee things. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Im going to get something to eat. Its around 0 am, I order and gets my aubergine splash with pita. I can sense there talking about me but I dont know if its good or bad, I finish eating, get up to put the plate on the counter. When I put it down one of the workers make a beard over his lips with the finger while he say magic I smile and leave the shop, he repeats; magic. *** Makes the world pretty*, get rid of genders. *** You say Im super feminine, that my body is feminine, the way I walk my voice my eyes the music I hear. That I eat feminine, sing feminine, that my interest are feminine. And yes, I have small skinny feets my hips bend like womens do, and when I sing about emotional souls it with a light voice, a girly voice. But this doesnt make me a woman, not in my brain, not in my thoughts, not in my dream, not today, maybe tomorrow! *** No gender makes the world pretty *** I find my make up bag, take of the lid with the brush. Hold the mirror so I can see my eyes. I look myself in the eyes while I look straight in the mirror, so I can put the dark mass on my eyelashes and not many other places.

This been a routine. First the right eye on the top, then the left on the top, then left at the bottom and right at the bottom. I pull of a black spot under the left eye and put my mascare back. I find my eyeliner take of the lid, gently point the tip so the colour fits, I tense my upper lip and make the mirror to show my mouth. Neat but certain I make my first string right over the upper lip to the right under my nose, then fast the other, one more and one more, until all the small strings cover my skin on the right side from my corner of my mouth to the middle of the lip. Then I make the strings on the other side check its look equal, correct alittle, and but the mirror and eyeliner back in my bag. *** My beard is painted on, thats not to be unseen. ***

I just got from a lady-party in Berlin where sure most of the people where biowoman. Maybe 90%. Then on a mainstream gaybar where at least 90% where bio men and probably most of them where gay. Its strange that both place made me feel equal uncomfortable like I cant breath or get any space to be myself anywhere, even when Im 90% bio woman. *** Queer is a big a lie as the rest of society, But I choose to belive in this lie who gives me space to do what I want. *** Only lies and the half-truth exist. *** Imagine being on a bar with only straight women, Then Imagine that all the straight women are lesbians. *** Queer - because we dont want to be girls and boys anymore! *** To have a body or to be yourself? ***

What is it to have a body? *** We take care of our body, we train, trim and modern it with clothing and make up. We are free to form our self as we desire, but then what happen when our urge tells us that we want more. That make up and clothing wont satisfy our wish on how we want to look. *** What is normal? ***

Im driving to the city. Im going shopping, but still I got this felling that.. I found the code! Neat moustache, jogging pants, short trimmed hair with male baldness and wild emotional heartbreaking Spanish souls from Roxette flying in my ears from the walkman. *** What dose normal mean? *** I leave the cinema after watching a lesbian movie. I catch a pretty girl who is on the road. My thoughts is only about women and Im longing as I havent long the whole summer, after a pretty butch and still a feminine woman. My brain just code lesbian, is this because I got an expectation that everyone who watched this movie likes girls and therefore technically should be available? *** How many is actually normal when everything comes to an end? *** Queer - Because the rest of society is more fucked up! *** Im going to the toilet on this gaybar where theres almost only gaymen. When I ask if theres toilets behind the closed door, one smile and say. No you must stand and pee where I say Okay fine and goes to the urinal with 9 eyes up in my neck. They almost look over my shoulder and I stand there alittle with my Freelax places right, Fuck, fuck, fuck, out of sudden I cant pee, I need to pee so

badly but now I cant. its weird. In the end I must say I cant pee when they look. There sweet to close the door while one say Let the lady pee I stand there for a while, 2 guys get in who knows nothing about my gender. They pee and it makes my water run who makes the guy beside get big eyes. He ask about my gender when we leave the toilet, but it have never happent before. I guess its some kind of Presentation anoxias, but for peeing, I dont get it. *** You can buy a new nose, or a younger look, then why shouldnt you be able to buy a vagina or penis without saying goodbye to what you already got. ***

You can make a penis from the skin of your stomach, and make a vagina from the skin of the penis, like when you get burned and get transplanted skin from another human being or from another place on your body. Then why not get penis and balls transplanted or a vagina and uterus? Im just saying, we can transplanted a heart, we do experiments with growing ears on mousse who later can be transplanted on a human. They talk about taking out the cells and code them to fix ill organs and bones. Why shouldnt we be able to code them to grow a vagina or uterus? Why not grow a penis on the mouse, or transplanted them from other people like we do with blood, heart, lungs, kidney or skin. ***

The point is that everyone on our body can be transplanted. Its not because we arnt able to figure out how to do these things but because our genetalia is taboo. Nobody think its weird if you want a new heart who will make you healthy. Even cosmetically surgery is acceptable. It dosent change you as a person. But if you want to change someone on your genetalia then youre weird. If you change your genetalia then you also change your gender. Then you become someone ells. (and were not talking about getting bigger boobs or a longer penis) But why? isnt it just organs who could be shifted and added or without, depending on what you want or have the need for. Why is our gender so holy when everything ells seems free? ***

It was late at night. There had been buffet and free bar, I shouted it to the stiff noble art folks inside the national gallery of Denmark. No matter what I do, I will always be a woman What I meant was that I cant escape whats following me. The gender. *** It means too much what we looks like. *** Once body should not decide once gender identity. *** No knife should touch me. Just the thought of a knife against my body makes me shiver. I get sick when I see blood, and close my eyes when the doctor in television cuts his patients. I think its horrible when I cut myself in the finger, the wounds takes forever to heal. My body should defiantly not be shaped my knifes, it is as it is, and no knife should change it. ***

If just my body where made of clay, then I would wake up, each morning as this lovely fresh kneading lump. Just ready for sculpturing. I pull my hand, shaped from yesterday down to the warm and soft consistence of clay just ready for use. I grease it over my stomach over my legs and out to my arms, and then grease it in my clay-face, to wet and grease so it gets soft and easy to work with. I press with my hands against my cheeks, and they get pressed out between my fingers. I mud my face and start making a nose, I keep the cheeks for a while, cant decide which shape to get. I stench the body and lets the arms reach the ceiling, they gets long and crack in the armpits. I let my arms and body fall forward so it reach the floor, roll slowly in the back until I stand up straight. Then, I let my hands slide down on my upper body, down to my hips, grab them and press some clay around the waist, smooth it out and start to form some good and strong back muscles. Yesterday my back where pretty and tiny, Today its goanna be muscular. ***

In dreams, we do so many things, we set aside the rules we know. If only we could always live in dreams. *** Im not ashamed of my body - just scared of your reaction. *** Im not tired of being a woman, its just not enough. *** I dont want to be a man - I want to be nothing, just alittle bit, maybe, always, everywhere, undefined, it all, a human being. ***

Bring no genders in bed. ***

Your penis is so beautiful. All supple and filled with energy. I imagine that its mine, that its get out from my body, I stroke it gently, I can almost feel it, the tiny caress, I move on to where it most sensitive, let my fingertips dance upon the silk soft skin. Im sitting beside you and hold it as if I been alone. Its only me and your penis, In this moment I got a penis. *** Queer Jihad - For the right to any genitals. *** I dress up. Bind my breast. Glue barks on the sides. Shave in in male baldness. Wear a wig . I use my body as a piece of clay. *** Multi-sexual. Many sexualetys, I guess thats me. *** I wish my desire for sex would disapear, at least for a while. *** Multi-gender. Many-gender or multiply-gendered? ***

I knew I was queer when I got the first hair on my chest. 4 hair strings on left

nipple. *** flex gender, a gender identity who shift from time to another. *** I where to get married with this big and dark lady tonight. I was confussed cause I couldnt. In the end it got out and she responsed by giving me a big hug in her lovely soft and naked arms. She said. I understand my sweetheart and then I slept in her arms for the night. I knew I couldnt marry mother earth. Sure she understands. *** Is it freedom to be able to make the plastic surgery or sexchange surgerys you want, or is it something one has to do to be who they feel they are? *** Hermaphrodite, to be born with both male and female genitails, or a mix. ***

I look at my freckles. How many time havent I lay in the sun, uncovered my skin to make the sun paint the frinckes on my breast and stomach. What the hair on

my legs my head and under the arms havent been through. Cut, shaved, waxed, and tried colored in all kinds of products. I examine my arms, muscles, I worked on them the whole last spring. They seams to have got back to the usual. I didnt get to train this timeglass shape eather. Still so thin that I could break. I started to get bloodshots on my legs, more and more appears, I wonder if I should make the tatoo to make them more visable? When will my breast start to hang and do I want them then? Or do I even want them if they turn into floppy bags or would I rather have surgery to get away with them? A flat upper body dosent seams that bad. I could also get some hair implant on my chest. 2 cirkels around my nippels. And then get a fake penis glued on the bottom, or take the full run and get my vegina turned into a penis. Hmm I probably would miss my vegina, and stuff.. Well I keep my vegina and operates a penis on it. *** Do knife gives us freedom or cut our face in paper? *** What is freedom? isnt it just a philosophy term? *** I dont fell free. I feel fucking limited. Mostly by myself. By my thoughts of the structure of gender, sexuality. And thought of life pattern who repeats everywhere. I cant do a shit without reflecting what this means, which stereotypes roles, patterns and ideas I just fall into without notice. *** We live in a country. A Rechtstaat with freedom of speach, free religion, right on your house, equal rights or sexual freedom, but where is the freedom in genders? The right to determine your on gender and the body? *** Transexuals are by the doctor world seen as a mentall disorder. Where the ill person is born with a body who do not match the person mental gender. The illness can be cured as the only mental illness with a operation, exactly a sexchange surgery. Afterward the person are seen as cured. So they belive a person is sick in the head and therefore need to change the body to fit the head. After my view this is an utraditional way to look at ill people. But its also hard to make the dignose and it depend a person have lived a year fully as the gender there mental and what it comes with. One must in a long-lasting therapy course with a psychoritrist to be sure that youre really transexual. ***

5-15% of all men get breast. And not just fat but breast tissue, and those are allowed to be cut of! *** Who decide what can be operated? When can you get a new nose, bigger boobs, more firm skin, or a bigger penis without going though a psychiatrist test? *** Why are transexuals sick? *** I still dont know what freedom is. ***

Who say that if you can be born in the wrong body, man or woman, that you by getting a surgery to another genders body would be in harmony in who you are?

What if youre a hermafrodite born in a womans body, or if you where a man with breast born in a womans body. Or a woman with a beard born in a mans body. Or whatever. If you can change from one gender to another then why not let it be free, if you gonne have a surgery why not get it all, dick,pussy and tits? *** A woman with the deepest voice is so hot! ***

The whole night I had talked with her. Sitting on the roof by the sun-morning red agenst the moutains in the mist. But we where thousand of miles away from each

other. Everything where perfect, nothing left over, everything where said, It only existed there the few days on the roof. *** Sworn virgins: Albanian woman who live and get accepted as men, they must everything other men can exept marrige, parenting or sexual connection. *** Hijral or Aruvani: Indian men who live as woman. Many gets castrated. They are banned from the society, family and have no identity, for exemple they cant get a passport. They live in a small society by praying and sexworking, there said to be able to bless or curse. *** Normal is an illusion, a utopia who claim exist. But nobody is normal, only people who pretend to be, they must live in fear to be discovered. *** The world is not black or white. Humans arnt separated in woman or men. Things arnt masculine or feminine or unisex. Theres more than 1000 colours, sexualetys, genderoles, high, wides, ages, genitails, hands, eyes, teeth, jewelry, hair patterns, toes, desires, dreams, belifes, thoughts, ideas, phylosophies, and much more. *** Definations is made so others can belive they know who you are. *** Maybe Im like the rest of the society 90% hetro. Or maybe thats just why its so much easyer that it more happent that I accidently get together with some of the opposite sex? But it dosent change the 50/50 devision in my head, dose it? ***

Dualism cut out out, Everyone right should be for everyone, so you can design your own body and your own genetails, maybe figure out some new ones, if you can make one then you should be able to do ANYTHING. *** When I grow up I wanna be a hermafrodite. *** Makes the world pretty, get rid of gender. *** Androgynous; a mix or miss of masculine and feminine aesthetic. ***

You can never get everything you want, but how I wish I could change my gender day by day. Or just be a man once in a while. *** Transgender: to be in a movement between or outside the frames of female or male. *** His hair smell like those kind of shampoos, who has a scent of the souths syntactic fruit. I move my nose in his hair, enjoy the scent. He lays on his bag, he let me bend over like men so often have done to me. In the hollow of the knee I have my arms and hold his legs firm to his tight are prest agenst his cheast. I admire his flexibility while I sit between his legs like im to put it into him. His dick is so beautiful as it stand there erect in his frail lap. This position makes it seams huge. I bend agenst him and kiss him. He bite my lips so it pained, I lament. ***

Why cant I be gay just because I got a vegina?

*** If just my body where like those Barbie dolls. Where you can pull the hair out and pull it back again. If I just had those bottom on my nippels and then they could skrink away untill I pushed again and they would get back. I shoud also have a bottom on my clitoris who could turn to a penis by a push click and it was gone. Pop up pop in, pop out pop in. *** If I choice to be between genders then people would still recognize me as female. If I choice to be a man then I will still be seen as a female, or the woman who is a man, not just a man. Only if I choice to be a woman would people see me as who I choose to be, a woman. *** In humans there is a strong urge to identify and be able to identify others. This makes it hard to live as intersex, between or without gender when most people have a urge to always decide once gender or the sex your got at birth. This makes people who feel unconfortable in there genderoles they got from society, feel the need to prove to other that they arnt for ex a man. In our dualistic society, theres only one accepting way to do that, and that is to be in this exemple the woman, who is the opposite. This means that some would go future that what they actually want because its so hard to be something you cant identify with that you rather go alittle future in the other dirrection than to live with the asigned genderole. Today theres no way in between. If youre not a man you must be a woman, and to just slightly being accepted as a woman you must pass as a woman without making doubt in peoples mind. Its not enough to walk in woman clothing, it dosent make people threat you like a woman, they must belive thats you from first sight. And there not to doubt cause then youre a man who may walk in woman clothing but still a man. ***

Queer: to be agenst or different. With the sexual as the central. But the term is much wider as one of the basic stones in the queer philosophy is not to define oneself or to be in constant redefinitions. *** I pull of my shirt. My skin is light and soft with small scars and birthmarks, but not a hair I find on my cheast. I go deeper in examine my body, hair under the arms, yes, and on the legs, but the most holy place is empty only the pure skin, and small stikky light hair who scarsh on my skin like britstles. *** Ass beard means: 1: to have fun 2: hair around the anus 3: hair around the anus who is cut and gluet on as a beard in the face. *** Im standing in the bar to buy a coke. You can get hot by dancing.

Besides me theres a girl a head smaller than me. Blond hair and satin dress. She looks at me and I can feel she pulls my eyes gently. I smile abit embarrass, while I shake her hands of my ears. She pulls an hand on my arm who is on the counter, bend forward and whisper. you look like someone who needs a hug. But I say I dont need a hug where she then try a few times more. In the end my arm movements and voice arnt very friendly, she gets a strick look at her. Whats going on with her? She have reached my limits too far, I know it was with friendly intentions, and she might have felt pity for me, that I look angry, that I needed love, or something, maybe I do! But I polite said NO THANKS and thats fucking NO even if youre a small blonde girl with blue eyes. Its Sexism! Its the same for me if a man graps my ass even when I have said he shouldnt, it dosent matter if he do it with good intentions or because he thinks I want it, I said No thanks and if you dont accept a no then your discriminating and if it about touching other peoples body then it sexism, it dosent matter how you look or if youre a girl who touch a girl or whatever, NO is NO. ***

As trans I could never be a real man. I would be a experiment to copy a

masculine body. I would never be able to do those thing which I admire about a masculine body. I would never get an erection and make sperm, I would never be a real gay guy, I will always had been raised as a girl, always would I have been a girl and men never had, they where boys, my maleness would had been made and developed very late, I would still have my wide hips, I should take a lot of homones just to get abit beard or half deep voice, I should say goodbye to what I actually think is cool about my female body, by breast or vegina or clitoris, the thing about being pregnant and give birth to kids and to get what? A lot of surgerys? A penis who could stand if you pump. A flat cheast with a lot of scars who still are all thin and pall. Could I maybe had my hips cut of? Or had surgery to get rid of my tiny waist, can I get better feet or a thicker neck? A Adams apple, a real deep voice? If I have to choose and I has to all the time, then I think I choose to stay a woman. At least I still got the option as long I dont get a surgery. I got it more easy im still passing as a woman, no doubt about it, I can always buy a strap-on or put a sock in my pants, glue a beard on and play man once in a while, and dream about how it would be to be a man and seduce gay men and straight girls. But if I first became a man then I cant change back to be a woman again can I? then I could only be a woman then? *** Surgery should not be forced on anyone. Once should be allowed to be the gender they desire no matter which box or norm the society are trying say once physical body must match. *** Its fantastic, those days where peoples beautiful connection with one are there, where I dont see them in gender or sexuality but in persons. *** When will they start doing gender bender surgerys we would be pleased with? So you could change from gender to gender or be somewhere in between. ***

*** I slide my hands down my body. My cheast is without mucles. I let them glide around my breast. My nippels shrinks and gets hard, they stick out of my small breast. One hand slide down to my stomack, a finger around my navle before it runs down to my thin haired guide. The hair are getting thicker and my fingers raise my halfstiff penis, it falls down in my hand as so many times before, I move the hand back and forth all silence then faster and faster and faster and faster. Each time my hand moves agenst the roth my little finger brush my clitoris and I adapt the grip and rhythm so my fingers always hit the right spot, hits deeper andn depper down to they gets in my vegina, deep in my vegina and up over my clitoris and up on my penis again and again and again. --------------------------------------------------------------