Thaipusam, Kuala Lumpur

Hindu festival held in the Batu cave shrines. Preparation requires that you fast for 16 days. Here, once a year, the pilgrims and penitents (all men) put themselves through an orgy of self-mutilation that makes the coenobites in Hellraiser look tame! 20 or so very big hooks, weighted down with what look like Limes, hang from their backs and chests without so much as a drop of blood. I believe this to be genuine so cannot explain the last point. Maybe the fact that the participants are covered in the ashes of dead relatives has something to do with it? Imagine your worst ever throw in a javelin event misses the field altogether and hits some poor guy in the side of the face thats basically the size of some of the spears that these people push through their cheeks! Again, no blood, yet we clearly see it being done. It may be a trick, but if it is, then hundreds of guys and hundreds of thousands of spectators are in on it. This is a big occasion. Att ached to these hooks by steel chains are the gigantic Kavadi Altars, which the men carry up the 272 steps to the main cave temple. When released from their burden they pass out. The narrator tells us it is because they are no longer driven by the spirits that possessed them S hock and exhaustion more like. Next stop is a street market in Japan. The meat is so fresh that its still munching a meal when you choose it. All tastes are catered for, with Snake Houses being amongst the most popular. Here we are treated to the spectacle of a snake being chosen and washed. It is then held by the tail in a bulldog clip and deftly split up the middle with a pair of scissors. The blood is caught in a glass and presented to the diner with his stir-fried snake. A side helping of dried Fujiama snake crushed and placed in a doggy bag ensures the punter will be able to pleasure his missus for the foreseeable future (or his Mr, lets not be sexist:) I wonder what Viagra is made of? Various other animals unceremoniously get the chop, including Geckos skinned alive, a large Python, decapitated, but still writhing on a hook. Giant Bats who (disturbingly) seemed to sense their imminent demise and refused to go without a struggle. I personally will never be able to eat Giant Fruit Bat again To give us a chance to catch our breath, we are then shown a 30 second or so scene about how trained monkeys harvest co-co nuts for their owners? (Dont ask me, I only review them.) Refreshed and revived, thanks to the above monkey merriment, we find ourselves in India looking at more snakes. This time the snakes have a better life in the hands of snake charmers. Indeed the cobras are revered, paraded around the town on little carts once a year for the festival of snakes. Children throw offerings of rice and what look like lettuce leaves to the disorientated reptile s. We are told that the best way to avoid poverty is to join The Guild of Snake Charmers. This ensures your welcome at top hotels and tourist spots so ensuring a decent? living

A quick detour around a temple covered in thousands of ornate carvings depicting sexual acts (how shocking!) and its back to India and the poverty, lepers, cripples and generally displaced

that line the banks of the Ganges River. We see a Hindu cremation. The funeral pyre is placed near the river with the recently departed placed atop. Because wood is such a rare and valuable commodity in India, only the wealthiest people can afford enough of it to fully cremate the body, so partially burnt bodies are regularly plonked straight into the Ganges. Cue shots of torsos and other human appendages floating down the river, which are then greedily pounced upon by the waiting vultures. This sequence is not for the squeamish. Despite the commentator saying it was common practice I believe the crew happened upon a rare event. They have to re-use the floating torso shot towards the end. Obviously not a common enough event that they could shoot footage any old day to be added later. If the idea of covering your naked body with boiling hot oil makes you wince, you should probably skip the next segment, because thats exactly what young men in Singapores China Town do to celebrate some monkey God or other. They boil it up in a giant wok then (as Henry Cooper used to say) they splash it all over their naked arms and chests. No burns, no scalds nothing. I would have been more convinced that the oil was genuine if I had seen a bit of Cod bubbling away in it. For now I keep an open mind. Whilst were in Singapore lets take a look around the red light district. We are told that this part of town is mostly unknown by westerners, as it is mainly for residents only. A sort of Local shop for Local people 221; (the league of gentlemen). We see the girls who work for Madam Noona ply their wares up grotty back passageways, Oooer! (Sorry I couldnt resist :) These attractive young women arent averse to getting em out for the lads my mates certainly started taking a bit more interest when they came on. Gradually it is revealed that all the girls have a problem. The problem is they are all men! Lady-Boys! It took me all morning to clean up the marks where my mates had spat their beer, so imagine how shocking it must have been in 1975! A specialist (Professor Ratnam?) informs us that despite learning how to perform a sex change by practising on dead people and reading about it in Time magazine, he is prepared to help the transsexuals achieve their dreams. The next 20 minutes or so is the Op itself. Hmmn, nice! What else? Oh yes! Wrestling midgets (way cool) Gasp as they slide across the squared circle on their forehead! A Tokyo film star having her punani traditionally tattooed with a bamboo spike Japanese love hotels complete with glass ceilings, love swings and video cameras so you can film your animal like athletic prowess, and a bunch (thousands) of Japanese guys running around virtually naked in bitterly cold water in the middle of winter trying to catch a feather. (How should I know?)

Then theres the Tiger Pond Garden where every conceivable torture and S&M fantasy is faithfully recreated in detailed carved miniatures. A kind of Lego-Land for the sick and twisted. And finally the Grotto of Delight, a cave tastefully covered in plastic boobs and punanis.