Developing Skills to Understand Other People

"Tom is a great accountant, but his 'people' skills hold him back. I can't see how he'll ever be promoted unless he does something about it." Many of us know people who have reached a certain point in their careers because of excellent technical skills but they somehow don't get along with team members, because their people skills lag far behind their other job skills. This might be due to the insensitive manner in which they ask co-workers for things, the way they never seem to listen to what others say, or their intolerance for other methods of working. Do you have colleagues like Tom? Or, perhaps, are you like Tom? Workers with poor people skills can often find themselves in the middle of unnecessary conflict. This can be exhausting and stressful for all concerned, and it can destroy even the best laid work plans. Many people are confident that they can develop new technical skills and knowledge through training and experience. However, there's a common belief that "you are how you are" when it comes to people skills or "soft" skills and that there's little or nothing you can do to change these. Fortunately, this is far from true. And a great place to start improving soft skills is by developing the ability to empathize with others.

What Is Empathy?
Empathy is simply recognizing emotions in others, and being able to "put yourself in another person's shoes" understanding the other person's perspective and reality. To be empathic, you have to think beyond yourself and your own concerns. Once you see beyond your own world, you'll realize that there's so much to discover and appreciate! People who are accused of being egotistical and selfish, or lacking perspective, have often missed the big picture: that they are only one person in a world with billions of other people (although, yes, this can be overwhelming if you think about it too long!) If you've been called any of these things, then remind yourself that the world is full of other people, and you can't escape their influence on your life. It's far better to accept this, and to decide to build relationships and understanding, rather than try to stand alone all of the time.

Using Empathy Effectively

To start using empathy more effectively, consider the following: 1. Put aside your viewpoint, and try to see things from the other person's point of view. When you do this, you'll realize that other people most likely aren't being evil, unkind, stubborn, or unreasonable they're probably just reacting to the situation with the knowledge they have. 2. Validate the other person's perspective. Once you "see" why others believe what they believe, acknowledge it. Remember: acknowledgement does not always equal agreement. You can accept that people have different opinions from your own, and that they may have good reason to hold those opinions. 3. Examine your attitude. Are you more concerned with getting your way, winning, or being right? Or, is your priority to find a solution, build relationships, and accept others? Without an open mind and attitude, you probably won't have enough room for empathy. 4. Listen. Listen to the entire message that the other person is trying to communicate. Listen with your ears what is being said, and what tone is being used? Listen with your eyes what is the person doing with his or her body while speaking? Listen with your instincts do you sense that the person is not communicating something important? Listen with your heart what do you think the other person feels? 5. Ask what the other person would do.

When in doubt, ask the person to explain his or her position. This is probably the simplest, and most direct, way to understand the other person. However, it's probably the least used way to develop empathy. It's fine if you ask what the other person wants: you don't earn any "bonus points" for figuring it out on your own. For example, the boss who gives her young team members turkey vouchers for the holidays, when most of them don't even cook, is using her idea of a practical gift not theirs. Practice these skills when you interact with people. You'll likely appear much more caring and approachable simply because you increase your interest in what others think, feel, and experience. It's a great gift to be willing and able to see the world from a variety of perspectives and it's a gift that you can use all of the time, in any situation. Here are some more tips for an empathic conversation:

Pay attention, physically and mentally, to what's happening. Listen carefully, and note the key words and phrases that people use. Respond encouragingly to the central message.

Be flexible prepare to change direction as the other person's thoughts and feelings also change. Look for cues that you're on target.

Sympathy vs. Empathy

I think its important to clarify the difference between empathy and sympathy. The two terms are often confused (even by word nerds like myself). The dictionary defines them as such: Empathy (noun) the ability to understand and share the feelings of another Sympathy (noun) feelings of pity and sorrow for someone elses misfortune. So basically, empathy is the ability to understand someone elses feelings because you have experienced them yourself, or you can at least put yourself in their shoes. Sympathy is simply acknowledging a persons hardship and providing them with comfort and assurance. Sympathy does not produce a deep level of understanding like empathy. Within the customer experience journey, you can think of empathy, or customer understanding, as a practice that prevents situations that lead to sympathy, or customer pity.
Basic Empathy Building Exercises

You may be familiar with the following three exercises in fact, I remember practicing some of them when I was a kid but they can help build your empathic abilities right away by getting you to observe the people around you.

Mirroring
There are 2 types of mirroring exercises physical and emotional. Physical mirroring is an essential part of a childs cognitive development. We see it very early on when children begin to mimic the actions of adults. Later on, as we develop emotions, mirroring becomes the basis for our deeper connections with the events we witness in life. Its scientific basis is a set of cells located on either side of our brain, called mirror neurons, which are fundamental to our ability to see and relate to the world and other people. Mirroring the actions and emotions of others is literally putting yourselves in their shoes. Whether you engage in a physical or emotional mirror exercise, youll identify with the person youre mirroring by acting out their situation and assessing your own feelings which you can assume are also theirs.
Physical Mirroring Exercise

Grab a partner. Decide who will be the leader and who will be the mirror. Have the leader begin a series of simple upper body movements that the mirror will imitate as if the leader is looking directly into a mirror. So if the leader waves his or her right hand, the mirror will wave his or her left hand. Reverse roles and repeat. Do this exercise without appointing a specific leader or mirror. Try to fluidly mirror the other persons movement as you switch back and forth between roles until each role becomes indistinguishable.

Emotional Mirroring Exercise

Find a partner who is experiencing an emotion like distress or extreme joy. Gather as much information as you can about their particular situation and what is causing their emotions. Find a private spot and try to mirror them as accurately as possible from memory assume their body position, posture, tone, speech volume, gestures and facial expressions. Determine how you feel. From that assessment, try to draw some conclusions about how they might be feeling and how the situation they are experiencing might impact someone else in their shoes.

Active Listening
Active listening, also called reflective or empathetic listening, is making a conscious effort to hear what another person is saying and understand the complete message thats being sent. Learning to listen empathetically will help you gain insight into the perceptions of other people. And since customer experience is all about perception, its a skill youll definitely want to master. Too often, many of us spend more time waiting to speak than actually listening. This exercise will help you practice active listening intentionally so that it eventually becomes second nature.

Find a partner who will play the role of the speaker, while you listen to what he or she has to say. Pay close attention to the message being delivered and acknowledge your understanding both verbally and nonverbally. Use body language cues like nodding to let the speaker know youre listening, and ask questions to help clarify parts of the message that you dont completely understand. Abandon your own position and resist the urge to form counter arguments in your head. Remember that waiting to speak is not active listening. When your partner has finished speaking, repeat the message you think you heard and ask him or her to clarify the parts that may still seem unclear. Repeating the message back to your partner lets him or her understand your perception of what was said and pinpoint any communication struggles.

Communication Style Profiling

There are 4 types of communicators: intuitors, feelers, thinkers and sensors. Each one gives and receives information in a certain way, and learning to communicate with them effectively means understanding their communication style and modifying your own style to suit theirs. The best way to display empathy toward those whose communication style does not match your own is to learn to communicate with them on their terms. If you understand how they give and receive information, youll be able to communicate more efficiently and more empathetically.
The 4 communicator types:

Intuitors are problem solvers. They think in terms of conceptual and long-range plans to solve problems. They are big idea people who tend to see things in terms of the bigger picture without giving concrete details. Feelers are naturally empathetic people who use language to express their emotions. Thinkers are logical, realistic people who think in terms of numbers and facts. Sensors are less interested in big ideas and more interested in getting things done fast. They are deadline-driven with short attention spans.

Each of these types needs to be handled differently. Intuitors and feelers may have a hard time communicating with thinkers and sensors, who want you to get to the point quickly and provide numbers and facts to solve problems faster. In this exercise, employees will take a test to help them determine their own communication style. I did this myself not too long ago, and it has proven to be very effective in helping me communicate with my coworkers and superiors. Empathy toward employees is just as important as customer empathy, because employees are an integral part of your companys operation. They are the ones who interact with customers on a daily basis.

Figure out what your communication style is. Share it with your coworkers and with the people you communicate with daily. Post your communication type in a visible location where others can see it. Make it a point to learn and adopt the communication styles of other people with whom you interact. Practice delivering a message to a partner, using their communication style and vice versa.

The Talk Show Game Materials: None How to play: Group students in pairs. In each pair, one plays the role of a talk-show host. The other plays the role of the guest on the show. Present each pair with a scenario that involves empathy or lack of empathy. The goal is for the host to elicit an empathetic response by drawing ideas from the guest about some of the experiences, feelings, and attitudes associated with that scenario. The host interviews the guest for one to two minutes, and then the leader gives a 30-second warning. After the time expires, call for a break, and invite players to stop, switch roles, and take up a new scenario. The process is repeated: the new roles and topic are used within a one- to two-minute time frame. After both students in each pair have played both roles, give the students a few minutes to reflect with each other about the exercise. Possible scenarios for pairs:

A student does not do well on a test. A girl who heard some gossip appears upset. A rumor about you is spreading around the school. You were in a fight with your best friend at lunch today. You liked your new shoes when you put them on this morning, but somebody made fun of them. You thought you would make the basketball team, but you got cut.

Plan for Success: It is the guest who is practicing empathy by imagining himself or herself in the specific situation and trying to identify what it would feel like. The host should not give advice, but should try to ask questions that assist the guest in getting in touch with what it might be like to be involved in the given scenario. Hosts can ask questions which probe the details of a feeling. Because this is a challenging line of questioning, in the beginning interviews will likely be short, composed of perhaps 4 or 5 questions. As students' skills grow, extend the questioning period. Encourage the hosts not to use "why" questions during the interview process. Often when we ask

others to explain why they feel a certain way, we are asking them to rationalize a non-rational experience. This can be confusing and may not forward the empathic experience. Provide specific scenarios, not abstract generalizations. Before playing, model the game with a student, and ask the rest of the class to watch and listen carefully. Play the role of the host, and model asking questions that clarify what the scenario is and lead the guest to his or her own understanding of what someone might feel in this situation. Interview example Scenario: a student does not do well on a test. Host: How do you feel about your grade on the test? Guest: I am disappointed and mad at myself. Host: What grade did you hope to receive? Guest: At least a C. Host: How does it feel when you're mad? What happens inside you? Guest: I get tense and crabby. Right now, I can't think about anything but that test. Host: Have you felt this way before? Guest: Yes-every time I get a bad grade. Host: What do you say to yourself or think about yourself?